Irish Rage In Dublin 2023
Jul 12, 2023 2:06:53 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Jesse Jamester, and 3 more like this
Post by Jonnie Valentine on Jul 12, 2023 2:06:53 GMT -5
Open on the disorderly Dublin crowd, holding up Irish flags and signs that say “I Came To See Cross Get Stretched”, “The Annoying”, “Fuck Cross!“, “Little Dragon Rulez!”, “We Want Awesome’s Blood”, “Squiddy!”, “Tux Sux”, “Shit Show - The Book Was Better”, “Rat Boy”, “Awesome vs. Kilroy: Dream Match”, “I Heart Sheik”, “Sun & Pun Back Together Agun!” “Simon, Hit Phil In The Bean Again!” and “I’d Fancy A Fedora, Joe!” Fade to Guillermo and a scarecrow of Phil Blauer sitting at ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans, and welcome to Irish Rage in Belfast, a show we started in 1992 if you can believe it! Hello, I’m Guillermo O’Bannon, and sitting to my left is the incomparable, Phil Blauer. Phil, how are you this evening?
Scarecrow Phillip Blauer: …
Guillermo O’Bannon: (laughs) Thanks, partner! I too am ready for tonight’s action, which I’ve been looking forward to for weeks!
Scarecrow Phillip Blauer: …
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why thank you! I have been working on my high energy intros!
Scarecrow Phillip Blauer: …
Guillermo O’Bannon: A little. I cut out soda, and I’ve been walking a couple miles a day.
Yolanda Ando: Guillermo? You’re scaring me.
Scarecrow Phillip Blauer: …
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re right, buddy. It is time to show people the history and the highlights of a show that goes back nearly 30 years!
Cut to a video package
Fade back to Guillermo and Scarecrow Phil Blauer, with the crowd still roaring, singing and banging drums
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a look back at some wild moments we’ve had at Irish Rage in Belfast, but for the first time, we are making history and doing this year’s show in Dublin. Where we hope to make new memories…
You can see Phil Blauer’s torso moving behind him as he barges into the announce position
Phillip Blauer: Can you believe this? I’m late! Did you know they drive on the wrong side of the road here? Anyway, that’s what the guy on the hood of my car kept yelling at me. And boy did I give him a…who is this?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s…it’s Scarecrow Phil.
Phillip Blauer: I know god damn well, it’s Scarecrow Phil. I’m the one who finds the finest hay in the land to stuff him with. I am the one who double stuffs the crotch so no one can tell the difference. I’m asking why he’s in my chair right now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well…he was here for the pre-show and the dark matches, and it was going so well, and I made a funny joke during the Joey Little Horse vs. Scorpion match, and he didn’t shut me down like you always do and I just hoped…
Phillip Blauer: Hey, hey, hey. This is no place for frivolities. This isn’t The Chuckle Hut. It’s Hardkore World. You know, you are a sad, sad little man.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Those were actually my mother’s dying words.
Phil knocks Scarecrow Phil out of his chair and sits down
Guillermo O’Bannon: You don’t have to hit him like that…
Phil starts setting up his fondue kit while the Dublin crowd continues to roar, sing soccer songs, bang drums, and boo Phil. They start singing
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Phillip Blauer: I can’t hear you, Guantanamo, but I think you said “How have these people come to love you so much?” And I agree, the affection they have for me is undeniable. I don’t know what language it is they speak out here, but it is so charming. As a US ambassador, you have to just smile and nod as they blather on. I frequently get a peace sign, although they do it with the back of their hand out here. (sees some fans rudely gesturing to him) Yes! Peace to you as well! And whatever that tongue thing is. Boy, are these guys gonna go nuts over all the irish whips tonight or what? That’s their thing you know?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (rolls his eyes) Anyway fans, we have a huge show here tonight. The big rematch between Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba and Kalmin Watts. They wrestled before in Portland this past March. With Cross Recoba getting the win by disqualification when Kalmin Watts got disqualified for a chair that Recoba was actually using. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson saw the chair near Watts and disqualified the wrong man.
Phillip Blauer: Hey look, if you’re not going to be able to overcome bad officiating, don’t show up if Richie’s booked for your match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Can’t Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson just get better?
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think that’s in the cards, chum.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then after Cross defeated Little Dragon in Sacramento, Kalmin interrupted his celebration to remind him that he has the next title match. In San Jose, they had another challenge, but this time it was who could make more people tap out to their respective finishers. But it appeared that Kalmin Watts and Moondog Dook had a bit of an agreement and giving him a suspicious win.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t live your life with suspicion it eats away at you, like a cancer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What about your thing with Tommy Milligan?
Phillip Blauer: What? Where I think he doesn’t really have a fishing boat?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He does have a boat, it’s all he talks about.
Phillip Blauer: Then why have I never been invited?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Because he doesn’t like you.
Phillip Blauer: See? That makes no sense. I’m very good looking and I have a lot more money than him. I might accidentally drop it on his dirty old fishing boat. Believe me, if he actually had a boat, I’d be his first mate.
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
The audience is deafening, especially the ringsiders, drowning out the announcers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, tonight Recoba and Watts cross paths again, this time for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. But we’re set to get started already, we can’t hear ourselves think!
The lights in the 3Arena dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The Dublin crowd gets louder for the first televised match of the night. The lyrics begin appearing on the screen, and then the Dublin audience starts singing along to them, getting louder with each line
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!!
Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie before making his way to the ring
Phillip Blauer: Joe getting chummy with Jackie could be relationship that pays dividends.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody has scored wins over Moondog Dook in Sacramento and former Hardkore America Tag Team Champion Leo Van Dam in San Jose. Now in the opening match of Irish Rage in Dublin 2023. He says he wants to set the tone for tonight’s action with an opponent he really respects from his time in Ascension Wrestling Federation.
Phillip Blauer: He needs to report that plumber to the Better Business Bureau, or at the very least let me do an sweeps piece on contractors who do dances on your time. “Plumbers’ Promenade?”
Guillermo shakes his head
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, I’m not married to the title.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Let’s toss now to Hardkore Fashion Reporter Yolanda Ando.
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda.
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of the fan who holds up a sign that says “I’d Fancy A Fedora, Joe!” Joe Nobody arrives at the ring steps and takes two steps before he stops suddenly.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, he forgot something. I’d forget my head if it wasn’t attached.
Joe Nobody turns and walks down the ring steps to the front row. He finds a young Irish boy who panics at being this close to Joe Nobody
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody taking a moment to make that young kid’s day.
Nobody takes his signature fedora off and puts it on the pre-teen. His Dad films the boy on his phone while the surrounding fans cheer wildly. The rest of the ringsiders all take the opportunity to pat Joe Nobody on the shoulders, arms and back
Phillip Blauer: Come on, are you buying this malarkey? He’s obviously got a sweet fedora hook up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe says that he is ready to take Little Dragon to the limit tonight, to steal the show.
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together.
Greg Jin: “Hello Ladies and Gentleman, and welcome to the first ever Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!!!”
The audience keeps a steady roar as Greg Jin nods proudly
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The Dublin crowd lets out a crazy pop while Joe Nobody claps
"Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator plays and 3Arena’s kids’ make their presence known as video plays of Little Dragon executing various moves in his matches Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. pushes his shot in on two children wearing Little Dragon masks.
Phillip Blauer: We gotta get this guy a cereal. But the question is? Marshmallows?
Little Dragon appears on the rampway with a cast on his arm. He is nearly blown back by the volume of the pop. He touches his heart
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon took it to the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba in Sacramento, but he wasn’t able to put him away. Tonight he gets Joe Nobody, who he knows well from the Ascension Wrestling Federation.
The fans chant “DRAGON!! DRAGON!! DRAGON!!” as Little Dragon storms ringside, slapping the ringside fans’ hands with his arm in a cast
Phillip Blauer: The Hardkore style takes its toll on the entire roster. Backstage resembles a triage most nights.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s unfortunately very true. Little Dragon and Joe Nobody never wrestled one another in AWF, they considered one another “The One That Got Away” as far as matchups go.
Little Dragon reaches the ring apron and slides under the ropes. Joe Nobody backs up as Dragon forward rolls to his feet in a dragon stance
Yolanda Ando: Little Dragon wears a green sleeveless full body surfer's suit, green ring boots, green MMA cobra gloves and a green mask that covers his face, nose and chin and his waist length dark hair flows freely from the top of his mask and his face and arms and body are covered with dragon tattoos and TAO symbols. He’s got a cast on his left arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is a dream come true for Little Dragon to wrestle at Irish Rage. He grew up watching this show. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2006, Little Dragon’s mother Dragonatrix, who was Hardkore Nippon Women’s Champion at the time, wrestled with Vampira with Jane Tyrra, EAW Women's Champion Shanna, Mo, and Jaclyn Frost in an elimination hell in a cell match that "Habanero" Amanda Kauffman won.
Phillip Blauer: Back then, ladies just went by first names. If that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: On that same show, The Shootfighter lost to “The Show Starter” Vincent Silvestri. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2005, his family friend, The Shootfighter successfully defended his Hardkore West Coast Championship over “Giant” Baba O’Reilly and Zack Daniels in a Belfast death match. Little Dragon also predicts a match of the year candidate. We’ll see if it translates into a win as well.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, Hailing from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet tall, Weighing 225 pounds; Dynamo Dragon…LITTLE DRAGON!!!”
The 3Arena continues to chant “DRAGON!! DRAGON!! DRAGON!!” as Little Dragon remains in his stance. He motions for Greg Jin to hand him the microphone
Little Dragon: "They say nobody is a nobody but I don't believe in that philosophy. You see everybody is a somebody including my opponent Joe Nobody."
The ringsiders cheer
Little Dragon: "We go back a few years in the AWF and I have quite a bit of respect for him. He's one of the best wrestlers Hardkore World has ever signed and I know you all shall appreciate his constant blue collar work ethic in the ring. Tonight shall be no different and it's going to be quite a match."
The ringsiders cheer louder and chant both Little Dragon's and Joe Nobody's name
Little Dragon: "Tonight you are going to see an epic of a match between two great athletes. Now I know that I still have a cast on my arm, but that's no excuse to back out of a match and I never back out of my matches. Professional wrestlers never do and they still wrestle injured no matter the outcome."
The ringsiders cheer louder
Little Dragon: "No matter if I win, lose or draw it doesn't matter to me. I'll still acknowledge Joe Nobody since it's what I believe in and that's respect my opponents. It's like I said before it's going to be a truly epic match up in the true way Hardkore World fans always expect and that's true action in the ring. So Joe Nobody let's do this."
The ringsiders continue to chant both Little Dragon's and Joe Nobody's name.
Little Dragon vs. Joe Nobody
The two fighters eye each other, both waiting for the bell to ring to get this match and Irish Rage in Dublin, underway.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson motions a hand to timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. who rings the bell. Both men are quick to come out from their corners, circling one another as they look for an opening.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leaning into his catch-as-catch-can credentials, Nobody looks as if he’ll engage but drops down to a knee to try and bait the second generation Hardkore World star. Shooting forward once more, the Michigan shooter aims for the leg but it’s a feint and instead, he picks up the leg of Little Dragon and takes him to the mat with a leg trip.
Still holding the leg, Nobody tries to spin around it but Little Dragon replies by using his free leg to sweep the Detroit wrestler to the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Flipping over with a leg hooked, Little Dragon attempts the pin.
…ONE!
…Bridging up whilst twisting, Joe manages to turn it into a backslide…
…ONE!
…Little Dragon kicks out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men get to their feet and it’s the Hong Kong wrestler who gets the quick march on his opponent, grabbing a quick standing wristlock.
But the advantage is only temporary as Joe manages to reach out and grab the hand, twisting the arm attached into a standing wristlock of his own
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Prince of Perfection works the hold, trying to bear his weight down onto the heavier wrestler. Dragon rolls forward and kips up before reversing the hold and taking Joe over with an arm drag into an armbar.
Joe, the technical wizard, quickly swings a leg over the bottom rope before Little Dragon can sink the armbar in
Guillermo O’Bannon: Immediately relinquishing the hold, Little Dragon gets to his feet and, in a grand gesture of sportsmanship, allows Nobody to get to a vertical base.
Phillip Blauer: That’s precious.
“Pee Wee” Richardson motions for the match to continue and this time they meet with a collar-and-elbow tie-up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Once more, Joe Nobody’s grasp enables him to use Dragon’s weight against him to dart around into a waistlock. He tries to take the two-time NPW Phoenix Champion to the mat with a waistlock takedown but the Dynamo Dragon firmly plants his feet.
Little Dragon pushes his arms down into the hold, trying to create some space. He drops to a seated position but Nobody picks him up in a wheelbarrow lift but Dragon comes back with a headlock takedown
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody spots that Dragon’s pressing the hold off the balls of his feet to get extra leverage. With perfect timing, Joe rolls the hold into a pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody keeps hold of the arm. He drives a knee into the shoulder socket of Little Dragon.
Still keeping wrist control, Nobody yanks Dragon to his feet and once more goes back to the wristlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Turning his back on Dragon, Nobody drives an elbow into his opponent’s elbow joint. And once more!
The Detroit wrestler twists the arm again but this time follows up with a stiff kick that echoes around the 3Arena.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody follows up with another hard kick to the arm! The Michigan mat master still keeps hold of the arm but traps the other arm too. He tucks his head under an arm, then flips him into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon bridges up and out of the pin!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon turns around and with a flash, he takes Nobody down with a dragon screw leg whip! Nobody scrambles to his feet but Dragon uses his in-ring experience he positions himself as his opponent rises and smacks him upside the head with a ghettoblaster enzuigiri!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Dragon’s boot hitting Nobody’s skull. Not letting up on the attack, Little Dragon uses the hair of Joe to drag him to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon irish whips Joe Nobody into the corner.
Phillip Blauer: I would have thought the Irish whip would have gotten a huge reaction out here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon follows him in with a monkey flip out of the corner! Rolling under the ropes, Dragon measures his man, then slingshots himself over the ropes into an elbow drop! Dragon He hooks the leg!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon keeps the pace up, lifting his opponent to his feet but he eats a european uppercut for his troubles, and Joe Nobody applies an octopus stretch!
The fans cheer as Little Dragon struggles to fight off Nobody as he sinks into the hold.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reaching for the ropes, the slight size advantage works in the Dragon’s favor as he makes headway towards safety.
Working furiously, Joe Nobody tries to hook the leg in place but Little Dragon continues to get closer to a rope break.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon reaches for the ropes but Joe Nobody rolls backwards into a crucifix pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody returns back to the arm and uses it to bring up Little Dragon in a full nelson. Nobody hits a release dragon suplex that sends Dragon rolling under the ropes to the apron!
Getting to his feet, Joe goes over to the ropes and grabs the head of Dragon. He rains down short elbows on the temple of his opponent
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody follows it up with a headbutt that drops Dragon to the floor.
Rolling out the ring, Nobody follows Little Dragon to the outside as Richie Richardson starts the count:
ONE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody helps Dragon back to his feet with a european uppercut as they summit. He lifts him atomic drop style and folds in the knee, then he runs the knee into the ringpost!!
TWO!
Setting his man down, Nobody still keeps the leg, trapping it under his arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody with a dragon screw leg whip into the steel steps!!
THREE!
The fans let out another “OH!” at the sound of the ring steps ringing through the 3Arena. Joe picks up Dragon once more, Nobody grabs his arm and sends him with an irish whip
FOUR!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon reverses it and shortarm release overhead belly to belly suplexes Nobody into the ring post!!
FIVE!
The audience has a dueling chant of “HOLY SHIT! LET’S GO DRAGON! HOLY SHIT! LET’S GO DRAGON!” Getting to his feet, Dragon rolls Nobody onto the mat and follows up to break the count.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon yanks Nobody to his feet and connects with a huge forearm! And another! Nobody is teetering and Dragon scoops him up. Emerald Flowsion onto the apron!!
The Dublin crowd chants “THAT WAS AWESOME! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*THAT WAS AWESOME! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*” Pushing his opponent under the ropes, Little Dragon raises an arm to the crowd.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon with a springboard shooting star press!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The mask hides most of his reaction but Little Dragon’s mouth aghast tells the whole story.
Phillip Blauer: I bet he’s a real uggo under that mask. Just a feeling I get.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It would mean so much for Little Dragon to get a win here. He’s watched this PPV as a boy all his life. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2007, his father Dragon Belt teamed with The Shootfighter, Psychotic Goth, and Tong Fairtex in a losing effort to The Order who was comprised of Ishan Goldenfire, "The Wolf" Tsai Jingkai, Hiroshima, Tarrasque in a wargames match. His family friends like The Shootfighter, lost to Noah Hanson at Irish Rage in Belfast 2008. Shootfighter also lost a Kilroy’s House of Fun match to Kilroy at Irish Rage in Belfast 2012. At Kilroy Evans Presents Irish Rage in Belfast 2009, The Shootfighter lost to Manwel.
The fans start clapping faster and faster
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reaching down, Little Dragon applies a front facelock as he brings Nobody to his feet, then drill his head into the mat with a satellite DDT!!
The impact sits Nobody back up. Rushing to the ropes, Dragon catches the sitting and dazed Nobody with a sliding dropkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Picking up Nobody by the hair, Dragon once again delivers a forearm to the head of his opponent. He goes for an irish whip, but Dragon reverses it and goes for a spinning back elbow but Nobody ducks! Joe connects with a superkick in the teeth that knocks Dragon off his feet! Nobody nails Dragon with a Status Symbol floatover DDT as he rises! Joe hooks the leg as he covers!
…ONE!
…TWO
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Keeping the hooked leg trapped, Nobody drops a knee into the hamstring of his opponent before following up with a soccer like penalty kick into the same muscle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hooking the leg under his arm, Joe Nobody sets him up then drops him with a grounded dragon screw legwhip. The former Northern Pro Phoenix Champion holds his leg in pain but he’s immediately taken back into the match with Nobody setting up for a suplex as he lifts him to his feet. Joe hooks the leg and lifts him, fisherman buster style into an orange crush powerbomb!! Awesome Driver!
Phillip Blauer: Does Steve know about this?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody makes the cover!
…ONE!
Crowd: ONE!
…TWO!
Crowd: TWO!
Crowd: THR-
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Some of the Irish fanbase audibly lets out a noise of disappointment as they were sure Nobody had it. Once more, Nobody lines up for a superkick as Dragon tries to rally himself back into the match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody swings his leg up but Little Dragon ducks the superkick, hits the ropes and nails Nobody in the back of the head with a clothesline from hell!
The crowd yells “LARIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” as Dragon goes for the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody gets his foot on the bottom rope!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon can’t quite believe it! He brings Nobody back to a standing base but Nobody throws a forearm. It’s answered by one of Dragon’s own.
The two men are now trading forearms. Joe looks for a huge hook but it’s ducked and Dragon grabs a full nelson. Nobody braces himself for the dragon suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon feints out and throws Nobody over into a bridging german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Nobody gets a weak shoulder up!
Realizing that protesting with Pee Wee would be pointless, Dragon makes a beeline for the turnbuckle. He leaps to the top in one jump. The crowd are on their feet behind Blauer and Guillermo as Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. accidentally takes a shot of them instead of the action in the ring
Phillip Blauer: Uh, Danny, wrong camera, chum.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry fans. We’re having a bit of an early technical difficulty here. But if you could see what’s in the ring you would see that Joe ran up to the turnbuckle himself and caught Little Dragon in an avalanche victory roll!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out but Joe rolls through into an anklelock!
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets back on track and takes Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.’s shot inside the ring of Joe Nobody twisting Little Dragon’s foot in the ankle lock. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in on Dragon who can do little to stop Nobody from locking the hold in
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody is on his feet, elevating the hold to add more pressure with each inch. Dragon reaches out to the ropes but Joe adjusts the hold and leans back. Pressing up on his hands, Little Dragon rolls out of the ankle lock! The former NPW Phoenix Champion rushes at Nobody but he ducks, and catches Dragon with a german suplex! He keeps hold of the waistlock and rolls to his feet! Wheelbarrow facebuster! Victory Buster! Nobody rolls over into a clutch style pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Nobody pounds the mat in frustration and rolls to his feet. He charges at the rising Dragon
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crouching dragon, hidden wrist control!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Little Dragon pulls the ripcord, but Nobody ducks and grabs a half nelson. Dragon uses his free arm to swing an elbow into the side of Nobody’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon hits a snap suplex. He holds on and pulls Joe up into a second snap suplex.
Dragon rolls his hips for a third snap suplex but Joe blocks it and does a go behind with a half nelson. He lifts him up into a half nelson slam into a cutter
Guillermo O’Bannon: ComboBreaker!!
The audience cheers and Little Dragon staggers up to his feet. Joe Nobody charges in with his running STO
Guillermo O’Bannon: Denial of Perfection!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays and the audience cheers the hard fought battle
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 14 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…JOE NOBODY!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody picks up another win here in Hardkore World. This time in front of these amazing Dublin fans!
Richie Richardson raises Joe Nobody’s arm and the crowd roars! Joe Nobody calls Dragon over and raises his arm as well. The fans give both men a big round of applause out of respect
Guillermo O’Bannon: A rare show of sportsmanship…
Phillip Blauer: Wait, now I’m confused. Who won?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: Then why did the bell ring?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Because Nobody won.
Phillip Blauer: Right, so why ring the bell?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Because the match is over.
Phillip Blauer: Who won?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody.
Phil’s left eye starts to flutter as the fans continue to cheer both Joe and Dragon in the ring, including the boy in the front row with a new fedora
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is the ladder match for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Champion “The High Roller” Wesley Crane! We’ve still got plenty of action coming up tonight but I hear that Kevin’s standing by with, at least for now, Hardkore World Champion, Cross Recoba.
Phillip Blauer: We all know who the REAL World Champion is!
Kevin Valentine Jr. does indeed stand-by with Cross Recoba. The HardKore World title over one shoulder, the HCW Diamond belt over the other. Clearly raring to go, Recoba is in full ring attire as he stands next to the Valentine family member, a look of determination etched across his face.
Kevin Valentine Jr.:Thanks, Guillermo. I’m standing by with Cross Recoba who, later tonight, puts his title on the line against a man many are seeing as a future building block of the company, Kalmin Watts. Cross, your third defence of that World title: are you confident of carrying the title out of Dublin tonight?
Recoba smiles as he hears the last sentence, the key question to the ramble.
Cross Recoba: Look, I hope everyone out there had a chance to take a good look and listen to what I had to say to Kalmin ahead of tonight’s match. He’s got nearly ten-thousand fans out there all expecting him to bring his best when that bell rings, ten-thousand fans all having paid what amounts to a month’s salary for them to see this event and more crucially, this match. Has Jordan managed to fit any training into their camp? Has he prepared him for the noise that that crowd can make, the pressure they can put on a man’s shoulders when they put their own hopes and fears on his shoulders?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: You don’t think that you might split the crowd out there tonight?
Cross Recoba: I’m willing to bet a large portion of that crowd out there tonight were in this very arena last Summer to witness me become the first-ever Infinite Pro National Openweight Champion but that won’t change their mind on me. They’ve been told that Watts is who they should be cheering, been conditioned to accept it, maybe a smattering’ll see sense but I’m not going to let that factor into my game-plan.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: So, eight-thousand angry Irish fans aren’t going to put you off your stride?
Recoba openly laughs.
Cross Recoba: I’ve spent my time here in HKW putting away everyone that’s put before me up-and-down the West Coast of America! You don’t think that the Seattle crowd wouldn’t have rather seen Tuxedo Mask walk out with this title-
He places a firm hand on the HKW World title.
Cross Recoba: -or the Sacramento fans have preferred seeing Little Dragon put me away? I’ve proven time and time again that I thrive on the fans vitriol, that I use their jeers and hate to drive me to victory, to shatter their dreams and force them to watch their heroes fail! Go do yourself a favor, go find Watts and Jordan and ask them your questions. See how they deal with it. Watch as Watts’ eyes dart around as he realizes the expectation on his shoulds, watch Jordan scramble to cover for him as the full reality of tonight hits his client. Watch how they react, I spent my time training, I didn’t go out of my way to make appearances on Podcasts, why should I? You watch Hardkore World and, like it or not, you know that Cross Recoba is the top dog in the promotion. Watts might dispute it, Crane might not understand it, but it’s an undeniable fact. I avenged the one spot on my record that kept it from being perfect when I put Tuxedo Mask away, can Watts say that about Crane? I spent my time between shows training and now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to replay how I will beat Watts tonight in my head and wait for that bell to ring with anticipation!
Recoba walks out of the shot as we go back to ringside.
Open on Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. placing ladders around the ringside areas. There is a clipboard with a contract for a title shot for the Hardkore West Coast Championship. The Dublin fans start singing and swaying from side to side
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Welcome back, fans. Coming up is the ladder match to determine the number one contender to the Hardkore West Coast Championship, currently held by “The High Roller” Wesley Crane. The candidates? The Sheik, Tuxedo Mask, and Simon Cruise!
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over the PA system. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue short board. If any of the Dublin crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside. A younger man holds up a “Simon, Hit Phil In The Bean Again!”sign
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here comes Simon Cruise, crowd surfing to the ring, much in the way he has surfed through the competition since coming to Hardkore World, undefeated thus far. And now he’s got a brand new board, something that had been weighing on him recently.
Phillip Blauer: Well, I’m glad he finally met someone.
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise slapping hands with the fans here at ringside, as they embrace him as one of their own!
The audience chants “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” A fan in a Kilroy Evans shirt hands Simon Cruise a beer in a plastic cup. Cruise shrugs and takes a long pull off of it, before burping and handing it back to the man
Phillip Blauer: Whatever happened to getting high on life?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise got himself into contention with his big win over Tuxedo Mask in Sacramento. He loved their match as it took him to the limit, and he’s excited to be in the ring with him again as well as former Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. This is Simon’s second match with Tuxedo Mask, but his first with the unpredictable Sheik with his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves. He says he knows it won’t be a walk in the park, but for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Champion “The High Roller” Wesley Crane, he’ll risk it all.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is a Ladder Match for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Championship. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds, The Big Kahuna…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The Irish crowd roars and continues to chant “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” Simon Cruise bangs his head in time
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the 3Arena changes it’s tune. The jovial mood is over and the jeers and heckling start raining down. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and looks out for a bit with a sneer. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of all the “TUX SUX” signs in the crowd
Phillip Blauer: Finally, a handsome person! Sorry, Gavin, you guys are great. But after a while, us Lovely People have to see one of our own or we get very sad.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. Tux does a little bow to loud boos, as Simon Cruise applauds from the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Last year, at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, Tuxedo Mask won the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship with his former friend Kilroy Evans, defeating The Anointed, and then Ruben Bowman and Eron Hunter. 13 years earlier, at Kilroy Evans Presents Irish Rage in Belfast 2009, Tuxedo Mask lost to Andrew Karnage.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure that decision is on appeal pending a drug test.
A fan has a sign that says “Tux Is A Pox Bottle”. Tuxedo Mask points at the sign and says to Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. “OK, that’s a little too much.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask dropped a match to Simon Cruise in Sacramento, but he has only ever been in the ring with The Sheik during Hardkore Helloween 2022.
Tuxedo Mask slides into the ring under the bottom rope. He climbs to the second turnbuckle for one last bit of glamming. He drops down and does a split and flashes the peace sign. The Dublin crowd chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!“
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Tuxedo Mask not entering the ring, keeping his distance from Simon Cruise. He’s the veteran in this match, looking to get a shot at “The High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Greg Jin: “From Tokushima, Japan; He Stands 5 feet 8 inches tall and Weighs 185 pounds; The 5 Star Skirt Chaser, He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
The 3Arena rocks with boos as Tuxedo Mask gives them a bow
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Dublin audience erupts in cheers. The Sheik walks out with Malcolm Xavier Graves walking out behind him. The Sheik begins to walk to the ring when Kilroy Evans walks out from the back. MXG signals to Kilroy that they do not need him to accompany them to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans trying to support his partner, but The Sheik, or at least Malcolm Xavier Graves letting him know, they want to do this on their own.
Kilroy keeps asking “Are you sure?” but The Sheik is long gone, with MXG nodding his head that they are fine without Evans. A young fan holds an “I Heart Sheik” sign that Sheik tears out of the kid’s hands and tosses out of his way
Phillip Blauer: Eventually everyone realizes Kilroy is a drag to hang out with. For The Sheik that has apparently taken one month.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik has bigger things on his mind, namely that Hardkore Jonnie Valentine himself is actively working against The Sheik, keeping him out of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title picture. Malcolm Xavier Graves and The Sheik say they were robbed in their Hardkore World Heavyweight title match against Marty Donovan in Portland this past March when both Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome interfered. MXG threatened to boycott this match in response.
The Sheik walks towards Tuxedo Mask, but Tux just backs away until it is futile. Sheik turns his attention to Simon Cruise, standing in the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: MXG points to the wrestlers he calls “Golden Boys” and claims XHF management in general shields them from The Sheik, who has been in some of the most violent matches in XHF’s recent history, and deserving of title shots.
The Sheik slides into the ring and Simon Cruise walks up to meet him. Kelly O’Connell backs Simon off, while Malcolm Xavier Graves holds back The Sheik. Tuxedo Mask uses the distraction to quietly enter the ring himself
Guillermo O’Bannon: Graves has said that if this was a straight match, The Sheik would have the clear advantage. But he concedes that a ladder match lends some inherent risk to his client. But The Shiek isn’t worried about any of that and says he will defeat both of these men, and get revenge on Wesley Crane for what he has done.
Greg Jin: “Accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; Hailing from Arabia’s Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 230 pounds, The Man from Rub' al Khali…THE SHEIK!!!”
The Dublin audience gives The Sheik a loud pop
Ladder Match for Hardkore West Coast Title Shot
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell, and Tuxedo Mask bolts to the outside. He hops the guardrail and sits in a conveniently empty seat in the stands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on.
Phillip Blauer: Plenty of good seats still available, Gordon.
Tuxedo Mask tries to put his arm around the Irish lass next to him and is promptly slapped
Phillip Blauer: Larry! The talent is being assaulted! Spring into action!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. nods and makes his way out to the crowd. Tuxedo Mask kicks his feet up and motions for Sheik and Simon Cruise to fight
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik needs no prompting and rushes Cruise, who was distracted by Tux. The Sheik’s punch sends Cruise to the mat, then the Sheik follows up with violent stomps.
The Shiek irish whips Simon Cruise into the and backdrops him over turnbuckles to floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves hands him a chair, and The Sheik sets i up in front of the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik runs into the ropes, vaults off the chair onto the middle of the top rope, turns around and triple jump moonsaults Simon Cruise into the railing!!
The Dublin fans chant “SHEIK!! SHEIK!! SHEIK!!” while Tux nudges some fans and tells them “That had to hurt.” The Sheik collapses a ladder, and lifts it over his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik throws that steel ladder down onto Simon Cruise!!
The sound of the ladder rings through the 3Arena
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik then hits a standing senton onto the ladder strewn across Simon Cruise’s entire body!!
The Dublin crowd cheers as Simon Cruise sits up in pain. The fans start clapping faster and faster
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
The Sheik picks up the ladder and tosses it into the ring. He lifts up Cruise and suplexes his back on the apron. Tuxedo Mask stands up from his seat and inches closer to the railing until he sees Sheik sit up. Tux then sits down and acts nonchalant
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is ridiculous, Tux has got to participate in this match.
Phillip Blauer: Where? Under my advice, Tux has retained Air Bud’s lawyer, and nowhere does it say he has to participate in this match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes it does, in the contract he signed to be in this match!
Phillip Blauer: Look, he’s just a small time dog lawyer, he doesn’t understand your big city contracts and binding agreements…
The Sheik stomps Simon Cruise again. Malcolm Xavier Graves yells something to Sheik, which leads to Sheik rolling Cruise over and applying a camel clutch
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Last Crusade!! It’s early in this match, and it’s on the floor, but The Sheik expressed confidence that he could make quick work of these two.
The audience is loud as The Sheik locks his hands together and peels back Simon Cruise’s head. Meanwhile, out in the audience, Tuxedo Mask sees an opportunity. He gently climbs over the barricade and tiptoes to the ring. MXG pounds his cane on the apron for support
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise fights as best he can as the Sheik wrenches in The Last Crusade! Last year, at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, The Sheik lost to Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion The Great Syberus in the main event.
Tuxedo Mask slowly rolls into the ring and rolls closer to the ladder. The Sheik rocks back, sitting on the small of Cruise’s back
Guillermo O’Bannon: There’s no submissions in this match, but The Sheik is clearly trying to take out Cruise so he can climb up that ladder and get that Hardkore West Coast title shot against “The High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Tux gets up into a squat and slowly picks up the ladder despite the fact that he can’t hide from anything in the ring. He opens the ladder up and moves it under the contract
Guillermo O’Bannon: Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Sheik or Simon, Tuxedo Mask gingerly climbs up the ladder.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t mind him.
The Dublin fans get louder as Tuxedo Mask climbs each rung, chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” as Tuxedo Mask shushes them
Guillermo O’Bannon: The noise gets the attention of the Sheik. He releases The Last Crusade and rushes into the ring!
The second he feels the Sheik’s hand on his leg, a look of pure terror washes over the face of Tuxedo Mask. Tux looks down at the Sheik and pleads for mercy
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think The Sheik even understands the concept.
Phillip Blauer: Why? Because he’s from The Empty Quarter? It’s an up and coming neighborhood.
The Sheik releases Tux’s leg and climbs the ladder. He gets his head between Tux’s legs and lifts up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask reaches for the contact in vain as the Sheik falls back and Tux crashes into the mat!
The Dublin audience pops and starts singing
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
The Sheik shakes off the fall and gets back to his feet. Malcolm Xavier Graves points to the contract. The Sheik begins to climb the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise is getting back up and sees the Sheik ascending the ladder. He runs into the ring and pulls Sheik down from the ladder!
The two men begin trading punches as Tux rolls out of the ring and hobbles back to his seat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, is Tux sitting down again?
Phillip Blauer: He’s gotta rest his arches.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Meanwhile, Simon Cruise hits a knee to the abdomen that slows the Sheik down. He quickly hits a sitout jawbreaker.
As the Sheik is bent over, Cruise hits a dropkick that catches Sheik in the jaw and sends him down to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise follows up by jumping up to the middle rope and hitting a moonsault on Sheik!!
Simon Cruise takes the ladder down and places it on the Sheik. Cruise climbs up to the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise jumps off, lands on the rungs, and surfs the Sheik!!
The crowd cheers the bitchin’ move as The Sheik snarls and tries to throw Cruise off
Phillip Blauer: He broke one of the rungs. Where are we supposed to find another ladder in Ireland? They don’t have those here yet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise responds by jumping up and stomping Sheik in the hole between two rungs!!
Cruise climbs out and fires off a “Hang Loose” to the crowd. Cruise picks the ladder up off the Sheik and sets it up. He points to the contract as the fans cheer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise climbs the ladder as the Dublin fans stand in anticipation. After a few rungs, Cruise reaches up and hits the clipboard
The clipboard flies around as Cruise reaches up. He reaches a little further
Guillermo O’Bannon: Low blow from Tuxedo Mask! Tux had snuck into the ring and hits Cruise with a low blow.
Cruise drops off the ladder. Tuxedo Mask sticks his knee into Simon Cruise’s back and pulls back his arms in a standing surfboard submission
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, submissions don’t count in this match, but Tux clearly sending a message with this submission hold. He yanks back on Cruise’s arms, trying to pull them out of their sockets.
Tux picks him up by the hair and throws him to the outside. He goes out as well and walks over to the announce position
Phillip Blauer: Oh, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Tuxedo Mask: (puts on a headset) “I could hear Guillermo’s biased commentary from the ring, and no, I didn’t think I could end the match on a submission, the real pain for Cruise there was the irony…”
The Sheik is stalking Tux at ringside. Tux panics and tears off his headset, trying to talk some sense into The Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik doesn’t want to hear it and is now chasing Tuxedo Mask around ringside.
Phillip Blauer: He’ll never catch him. He’s easily the fastest guy on our roster.
Tuxedo Mask rolls into the ring and picks up the ladder as Sheik slides in after him. Tux tries to hit him in the head with the ladder, but Sheik’s head goes through the broken ladder rung, and it just goes around his shoulders
Phillip Blauer: He’s captured The Sheik in that ladder! Now he has to grant him three wishes!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I keep telling you he is not a genie, but he is mad and looking for some answers!
When The Sheik spins, the ladder spins with him. Tux has to keep ducking to avoid the ladder. Simon Cruise rolls back in to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise walks right into that ladder as it swings around!!
The impact knocks Simon Cruise back to the floor, and Sheik’s head pinballed around inside the ladder. The audience jeers as Tuxedo Mask picks him up and tosses him over the top rope to the floor below
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask ignores going for the clipboard and climbs the ropes.
The Dublin audience flip Tux off and start chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Tuxedo Mask grabs his crotch at them and the boos only get louder
Phillip Blauer: That’s right, show them no fear.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux flips off the top with a huracanrana but both Sheik and Cruise have the same idea and hit a standing powerbomb that sends Tux into the ring post!!
The 3Arena lets out a collective “OH!!” at the sound of Tuxedo Mask hitting the corner post. Tux crumbles to the ground and lays in a heap on the floor
Phillip Blauer: Luckily for Tuxedo Mask, he wasn’t lined up perfectly and avoided hitting his head on the post.
Cruise and Sheik look at each other, then rush into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon:Great minds think alike and both men making a bee line for that ladder!
Phillip Blauer: They do think alike. Maybe we can do a show. “The Surfer and The Sheik”! They solve mysteries and run a surf shop and hookah store…
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik is quicker and stomps Cruise as he slides into the ring.
The Sheik yells something to Malcolm Xavier Graves who rushes to get a steel chair. As the Sheik stomps Cruise, MXG slides the chair into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon:The Sheik picks the chair up and slams it down into Cruise’s back!! The Sheik hits Cruise’s back a second time!
Simon Cruise tries to get up, but The Sheik waffles him a third time in the back, dropping him. He knocks the ladder down and sets it on the mat. The Sheik scoops Cruise up and bodyslams him on the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik places that chair over the back of Cruise’s head, and then climbs to the top turnbuckle. He somersaults off an Arabian skullcrusher leg drop!!
The audience erupts in cheers as the fans chant “SHEIK!! SHEIK!! SHEIK!!” With Cruise down, the Sheik tosses the chair away before turning to where Tux is. The Sheik glares at Tux to make sure he’s down. At the wrong time, Tux lifts his head up to check what is going on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask showed his cards there a little.
The Sheik yells something in Arabic and exits the ring. Tux crawls away from the Sheik then is able to get onto his feet and run
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik once again in pursuit of Tuxedo Mask.
Phillip Blauer: Maybe his plan is to run into a hole in the wall and have The Sheik bang his face trying to follow? That’ll certainly tangle his whiskers!
Tuxedo Mask ducks down as he rounds the corner and darts under the ring. The Sheik misses him, but Malcolm Xavier Graves points under the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik goes under the ring to find Tux. Tux pops up on the opposite side of the ring, then rushes into the ring. He’s setting up that ladder under the Hardkore West Coast title match contract!
Tux climbs the ladder as MXG begins yelling at Sheik. A few seconds later, the Sheik crawls out from under the ring to see Tux climb another rung.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik slides into the ring and climbs up the opposite side. Once he’s even with Tux, Sheik starts throwing hard rights as Tux fights to hang onto the ladder.
Simon Cruise is slowly pulling himself up as Sheik attacks Tux. Simon climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits to pounce
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon jumps off with a Cruise Missile dropkick to the ladder that knocks it over, with Tux and Sheik on it!!
The crowd erupts and the fans chant “CRUISE!! CRUISE!! CRUISE!!” Simon Cruise lays on the mat along with the other two wrestlers that just fell off a ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise now setting up that ladder underneath the clipboard with that contract for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Championship.
The Dublin audience gets louder as Cruise climbs each rung. The Sheik gets to his feet and begins climbing up the other side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise has got the contract!
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and the crowd jumps to their feet. The Sheik keeps trying to climb up after Cruise, but Malcolm Xavier Graves holds him back. “Riptide” by Vance Joy plays as Cruise holds up the clipboard and gives the camera a hang loose sign
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 8 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE HARDKORE WEST COAST TITLE SHOT…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise has won a shot at Hardkore West Coast Champion “The High Roller” Wesley Crane in Denver, Colorado!
Simon Cruise slaps hands with the fans at ringside. He walks over to the announcers’ position and grabs a pen off of the desk
Phillip Blauer: Hey, that’s mine! If you turn it upside down you can see Rue McClanahan naked.
Simon Cruise signs his name on the contract as Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of it. Cruise says to the camera “See you in Denver, Wes!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is The Sadistic Madness Match between Steve Awesome and Kilroy Evans!
The camera pans from the Velvet Strand to the sands of Portmarnock Beach, located in Northern Dublin – the blue flag rated waters offer an inviting blue horizon against the sandy backdrop. Though lacking tacky tourist trappings like fast food vendors that usual spot the coastline of his West Coast digs, Simon Cruise has set up chairs and umbrellas to create a set like atmosphere for his guest. Hardkore World Champion Cross Recoba sits across from Cruise, not expecting any surfing lessons, or questions that his people didn’t approve first.
Simon Cruise: Alright, alright, alright – welcome Hardkore World to the beautiful beaches of Dublin, where I have the pleasure of picking the calculating mind of our world champion, Cross Recoba. Cross, thank you for joining me at this time.
Cross Recoba: My pleasure, this is the only interview show I’m doing this Summer…
Simon Cruise: It is appreciated. Now, the term iconoclast gets bandied about so often these days-
Yes, these will be softball questions.
Cross Recoba: Excuse me...
A small child has wandered into frame and started pouring sand on Recoba’s hush puppies. Aware that cameras are rolling, the champion doesn’t kick the brat, but is clearly distracted by the boy’s antics. Pale and shovel in hand, the seven-year-old appears to be trying to bury the champion.
Simon Cruise: Hey little dude, do you mind playing over there?
Tinto the CAR Orphan: Yes, this area has nicer sand.
Simon Cruise (furrows brow): Uh, radical. It’s just that we’re trying to shoot a television program.
Tinto the CAR Orphan (smiles at camera): I don’t mind. (goes back to his serious work of burying Cross)
Cross Recoba: You don’t have security?
Simon Cruise (shrug): I find with rugrats, if you ignore the little dudes, they’ll eventually get bored and wander off.
Cross Recoba (nodding): If we must...
JUMP CUT.
The world champion has been buried up to his neck in sand.
Simon Cruise: Now I hear you like pizza...
The softballs keep getting thrown. They really do show Cross in a humanizing light. His people were right to write them for Cruise. Having run out of body to bury, Tinto starts trying to shovel sand into Recoba’s face.
Cross Recoba (spitting sand): No, now really – this is too much.
Simon Cruise (having run out of cue cards): Now dude, what would you say to critics that claim you spend far more time trying to promote Tap Out Wrestling on HKW TV, rather than actually looking after Hardkore World interests?
Cross Recoba (eyes narrow): I think we’re done here. So if you have everything you need, I’ll be...
Oh no. Why can’t Cross rise up from the sand like a he was world champion athlete, and it was sand? How deeply is he packed in? Head wiggling, Cross desperately tries to free himself.
Tinto the CAR Orphan (using an Al Pacino fake Cuban accent): Every day above ground is a good day.
Is the little creep playing mafia? Cross Recoba has been buried alive.
Simon Cruise: Your TOW has sent Sam Sawyer to Overheated, while HKW is banking on Steve Awesome. Who do you think has a better chance, buuuuuuuddy?
Cross Recoba: I’m not saying another word until you get me out of here.
Simon Cruise (realizing Cross is actually stuck): Oh, sorry about that let me-
Before Cruise can dig Recoba out-
“Simon, you son of a bitch!”
An angry Marty Donovan stomps towards the set. Not a stranger to being harassed by dudes that aren’t mellow, but trying to keep it off camera, Simon walks away from the champion – trying to cut Marty off. Unfortunately, it’s just as Simon wanders off that water splashes Cross’ chin – with the tide coming in.
Simon Cruise: Bro – how you doing?
Marty Donovan: Not as good as I was before YOU CUT DOWN THE SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON TREEHOUSE.
Cross Recoba (from afar): thetideiscominginglurrrrrrrrg-
Simon Cruise (yelling back at Cross): Sorry dude this will just take a minute… (nodding at Marty) you should see the awesome board I’m making out of it-
Marty Donovan: My employers don’t take too kindly to having their property stolen, and I’m talking about fountain drink refills, not FULL BLOWN ATTRACTIONS.
Simon Cruise: Marty, a tree is nature. You can’t own nature. That’s like owning the waves. Oh sure, someone might say “I’m going to make that wave my bitch” but they always end up wiping out.
Marty Donovan: There was a family of monkey butlers living in that ride!
Simon Cruise: They have been resituated.
JUMP CUT. As the argument over whether you can steal a theme park ride if it pretends to be part of the land rages on, Tinto continues to torment the undercover cop he’s planning to whack.
Cross Recoba: This has been fun, but you need to dig me out right now.
Tinto the MADE MAN: Listen, Little Boy, in this business there's only one law you gotta follow to keep out of trouble... do it first, do it yourself, and keep on doing it!
At least the Scarface quotes are coming from a better movie. Incensed, Cross tries to bite the child – only to get a mouthful of onrushing salt water.
Tinto the MADE MAN: You betrayed the family- all that is left for you is a watery grave.
Cross Recoba: When I get out of here I’m going to-gluuuuuuuuuuug!
At this point, the waves are so high they threaten to knock over Tinto. The little boy has to sheepishly move away from his victim, trying to run in and tease, then run away from the incoming flood. Even when the water retreats, it's now so close to the champion that he has to tilt his head up.
Cross Recoba (spitting up water): ...elp...
The world champion’s cries are so faint that they could only be picked up by the animal kingdom. Fortunately Purrman Melville was in the neighbourhood. Drawn to these cries for help, which might be a fish he can have for dinner – the kitten races to the scene of the crime. A human in trouble? Wanting to protect his secret identity, Purrman Melville races to the nearest liter box – which is fortunately a beach, and changes out of his civilian specs to transform into-
Tinto the MADE MAN: OH MY GOSH! THE PURRICANE!
The superhero kitten bounds towards the drowning world champion faster than an animal of superior speed! It stops just shy of the water, not wanting to get wet. Places a paw in to check the temperature, then asks itself “Mew Mow?” Which we can only assume translates to “What would The Hurricane! do?” In between waves, the kitten charges up and with one surreally strong paw swipe aided by a JUMP CUT manages to pull the drowned rat that is Cross Recoba to safety. It is only the explosion of sand that draws back the attention of the other adults.
Simon Cruise (racing next to Recoba, pats him on the back trying to force him to cough up water): Cross, what happened?
Cross Recoba: thepurr… cough… icanesavedme.
Marty Donovan (less pleased to see Recoba, but feeling like something needs to be said): Look Tinto was just playing with you, I’m sure he wasn’t actually trying to murder you.
Tinto the CAR Orphan (big smile): Mister Marty, if Mister Recoba drowned then I would be the Hardkore World champion!
Marty Donovan (uncomfortable): Okay, so maybe he was trying to kill you.
Tinto the CAR Orphan (hands on hips): And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that meddlesome Purricane!
The kitten is now examining a hermit crab, and apparently frightened of it.
Simon Cruise (helping Cross up): I hope you won’t let this little incident sour you on your Catching the Wave experience.
Cross Recoba (pushing Simon off him, then realizing he needs the help, falls to a knee): My... brand... is... NEVER... going to recover from this.
Simon Cruise: It wasn’t that bad.
A pink jalopy drives up onto the beach. The window rolls down and the toothy smile of an alligator faced luchador pokes out.
Florida Man: Let’s haul ass to the Guinness Storehouse!
Tinto is Danny Ocean (running to the car): YAY! Heist!
Florida Man: See you bitches at the Frank A. Marano Memorial!
Stomping on the gas, the Florida-mobile slowly drives away – because it’s a jalope more sight gag than functioning vehicle, and on sand. Marty Donovan really doesn’t want to spend time with Florida Man, but the alternative is Cross Recoba and Simon Cruise.
Marty Donovan: ...He’s my ride.
With that the Epcot Mafia slowly depart. Remembering this is an interview segment, Cruise turns back to the camera.
Simon Cruise: And that wraps another Catching the Wave- I would like to once again thank my guest Cross Rec-
Cross Recoba (still coughing up salt water): Get bent.
Simon Cruise: ...Join us next time, when our guest will be Dan Stein! I mean, we haven’t asked him yet, but how could he say no?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans, Kilroy Evans and the new leader of The Anointed XHF Hardcore Champion Steve Awesome finally lock up in a Sadistic Madness Match, where you cannot pin your opponent until he is bleeding. A match Dan Stein invented when he wrestled Adrian Tanner Jr. at Irish Rage in Belfast 2006. 17 years later, its Kilroy Evans and Steve Awesome. A dream match that people have fantasy booked for years is finally happening.
Phillip Blauer: I have Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. running every possibility with Kilroy and Steve Awesome action figures in the back. It’s part of the reason I was so late. That and the vehicular manslaughters.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome has taken cheap shots and sucker punches on both Marty Donovan, and The Sheik. Two of Kilroy’s friends…
Phillip Blauer: I wouldn’t really call The Sheik a friend.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It didn’t sound right even leaving my mouth…but nonetheless, Kilroy likes Sheik, and he clearly never could bring himself to hate Marty, and tonight he wants to show Steve Awesome what happens when you mess with the people he likes.
Phillip Blauer: But don’t really like him back.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Exactly, now Steve Awesome had his face bitten by Kilroy at the WarGames in Seattle…
Guillermo is interrupted by the singing of the fans
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
All the lights in the 3Arena die out and The Irish fans boo at the interruption. Some of the crowd start chanting
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
{Dramatic Pause.}
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in the 3Arena explode to life! The Irish fans boo at the interruption as the lights flash green and black to the beat. Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her won't you tell her for me/ It's better this way to avoid all the misery
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring past the signs the fans are holding up that say The Annoying”, “We Want Awesome’s Blood”, “Shit Show - The Book Was Better”, and “Awesome vs. Kilroy: Dream Match.”
Phillip Blauer: Finally, I can do my real commentary for Barry Wimbledon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who?
Phillip Blauer: Do you have rocks in your head?? Barry Wimbledon. The star of Shit Storm, Shit Storm 2: Even Shittier, Shit Storm 3: Santa Gets Naughty, Shit Storm 4, Shit Storm 5: The Shit Hits The Fan, Shit Storm 6: Montezuma’s Revenge, and of course, who could forget Shit Storm 7: The Curse of Diarrhea Falls.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And you watch these movies?
Phillip Blauer: First day they come out! You have to, they’re usually not in theatres very long. In fact, I admit, the last two I had to get out of the DVD bin at my local truck stop. They always know what I’m there for. The day a new Shit Storm gets released, I come in and they say “It’s in the back, Phil!” (chuckles) Oh, Bev.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, you know he’s not the character he plays in those movies?
Phillip Blauer: Sure. (winks) His secret is safe with me. I don’t waste the good stuff on the earlier types. That’s something his little parasite Tuna Meltzer can take a cue from. I’m like Hogan in Japan. I only work when the situation calls for it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: O…K. Steve Awesome knows Kilroy is dangerous in this kind of match, for how willing he is far to go, sometimes too far. He found out in the WarGames match in Seattle when Kilroy bit his face.
Phillip Blauer: Going after a man’s face. His money maker. Dirty pool, mister. Dirty pool.
The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Steve Awesome claims to be the better wrestler and says that Kilroy is a mark for himself.
Greg Jin: “The following is a Sadistic Madness Match. You cannot pin or make your opponent submit, until he is bleeding. There is a 30 Minute Time Limit and your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds; Not Safe For Wrestling…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
The 3Arena rocks with ear splitting boos as Steve Awesome drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms.
"Miami Disco (metal cover)" by Alex Yarmak plays and the Dublin fans get rowdy and loud! A relaxed Kilroy walks out and the pop is just tremendous
Guillermo O’Bannon: Would you listen to that ovation!
Phillip Blauer: Ugh, the favoritism they show this guy just because he’s Irish.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s Welsh, I think.
Phillip Blauer: That’s like a town in Ireland.
Kilroy walks down to the ring, slapping hands with the audience pressed against the side rails. He takes time time to talk to the fans. He laughs with a couple of drunk lads as they embrace him, accidentally spilling beer down Kilroy’s back
Phillip Blauer: We all do things that make us hate ourselves when we drink, but I could only imagine finding out I hugged Kilroy on pay-per-view. I would walk into the ocean.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil…
Phillip Blauer: The ocean!!
Kilroy Evans points to the sign that says “Awesome vs. Kilroy: Dream Match”, and “We Want Awesome’s Blood” and smiles, nodding at the fans with his fist cocked
Guillermo O’Bannon: You want to talk about a streak? Kilroy Evans has not lost at this event! At Irish Rage in Belfast 2005, he defeated his greatest rival, Death Gojira in a double hell match. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2006, he won a quick scaffold match over Death Gojira when he poured marbles on the scaffold and Gojira fell off in less than 5 minutes. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2007, he defeated Poke the Clown in an exploding barbed wire. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2008, he unbelievably teamed with Poke the Clown and defeated the Hollywood Syndicate, Tyler Hollywood and Scott Justice. In 2009, he even hosted the event with Kilroy’s Irish Rage in Belfast 2009, where he unified the Hardkore West Coast title with the Hardkore World Television title by defeating Cecil Kennedy.
Phillip Blauer: Ah yes, I remember that one vividly. It was catered by Lunchables.
Yolanda Ando: I remember those pet raccoons he had were all over backstage. They seemed like they wanted to be your friend, but they just wanted the rest of your Lunchables.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think those were his pets. I think they just show up whenever he’s somewhere. He’s their Aquaman.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Irish Rage in Belfast 2012 Kilroy Evans defeated The Shootfighter in a Kilroy’s House of Fun match. Then 10 years later, at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, Kilroy Evans won the Hardkore World Tag Team titles with Tuxedo Mask in a one night tournament, defeating Marty Donovan and Alexander Von Blankenship in the first round, and then Ruben Bowman and Eron Hunter in the finals.
Phillip Blauer: We don’t need people thinking he has some magical properties inside this country. People will start showing up to rub his beard to get some sort of good fortune, and this is already a heavily luck based economy.
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy is wearing a white “Red Zone: Cuba” t-shirt, jeans and sneakers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda, as I’ve said Kilroy says that what Marty did to him hurt him, but in a bizarre way he was glad to see him succeed in a way he hadn’t previously. But when Steve Awesome took The Anointed from him, that hurt him much deeper because it destroyed Kilroy to see everything taken away from Marty.
Phillip Blauer: Do you even understand how messed up that is?
Once Kilroy Evans is in the ring, he's still all smiles, but is completely focused on Steve Awesome now. Kilroy locks eyes on him barely blinking as he stares at Aweseome
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds, He is Undefeated at Irish Rage…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The roof nearly blows off the 3Arena but Kilroy doesn’t even react just stares at Steve Awesome, who nervously loosens the ropes
Sadistic Madness Match
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell. As soon as he does, Kilroy immediately moves in but Steve Awesome backs into the corner and sticks his head and body through the ropes. Milligan forces Kilroy back as the fans boo
Phillip Blauer: Hold your horses, Chucklehead.
The audience starts clapping faster and faster
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy feeding off the energy of these fans here and goes for another lock up, but again, Steve Awesome escapes through the ropes.
Phillip Blauer: Just like Barry Wimbledon, he’s outsmarting the poor rube. He’s trying to tire Kilroy out, knowing of his pre-match ritual of a dozen or so pulled pork sandwiches. The man travels with a crockpot and stinks up the whole backstage area.
Kilroy motions for Steve to come on, and Steve tells Tommy Milligan to keep Kilroy back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan laying the law down and demands that Steve Awesome get out of the ropes.
Tommy starts counting and gets to four before Steve dips his head back into the ring and says “Alright, alright. Fine.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome hesitantly locks up with Kilroy, and they jockey for position. Awesome grabs a headlock.
Steve Awesome plants his feet, and flips Kilroy into a side headlock takedown. He converts it into a reverse chinlock. He clamps his hands together, grinding Kilroy’s jawline. Then he begins doing a handstand while holding on to Evans with a reverse chinlock
Phillip Blauer: Look at that balance. That poise. Those haunches.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome back on the mat, as Kilroy then works his way to his feet with Steve hanging on to that headlock. Evans is finally able to slip his head out, and then takes Awesome over with a snapmare. Kilroy immediately chains it into an armbar.
Kilroy sticks his knee into the ball of Awesome’s shoulder and clamps down on his arm. Kilroy starts biting the fingers of Steve’s trapped arm
Phillip Blauer: Aw, come on. He’s biting him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The rules don’t say where they have to be bleeding. But Awesome slips away before Kilroy is able to break the skin. Evans scoops Awesome up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker.
Kilroy applies a reverse chinlock but then bends Awesome backwards over his hip, almost bringing him to a bridge
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans cutting off Awesome’s air, bending him backwards. He pulls him up and irish whips him, but Awesome counters and shoots Kilroy into the corner. He charges in with a running knee to the stomach. He does a step up into an shining wizard!
The audience boos as Kilroy falls in the corner. Steve Awesome smirks and backs up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome charges in with a bronco buster!
The 3Arena jeers and heckles Steve as he does an exaggerated romp in the corner on Kilroy’s face
Phillip Blauer: That’s how he killed a trained assassin in Shit Storm 3: Santa Gets Naughty. In the director’s cut, they show his eyeballs getting crushed.
Suddenly Steve Awesome makes a face, and starts furiously trying to get away from Kilroy
Phillip Blauer: Oh, he’s biting that now? That’s a new low!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, he put em there.
Steve Awesome sits down, holding his nuts. Kilroy steps over his head and pulls Awesome’s feet up in a stump puller
Phillip Blauer: You see, Steve is going to be unfamiliar with this move because he mostly wrestled after the late 50s.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans lifts up on his ankles, pushing his head back into his body. He puts pressure on the back of his neck, while hurting the hamstrings. But still, even if he wanted to, Steve Awesome cannot submit.
Phillip Blauer: Bummer.
Kilroy Evans releases the stump puller and pulls him up into a reverse side waistlock, into a gut wrench suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy grabs a chicken wing.
Phillip Blauer: First time I’ve ever heard that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He pulls up on Awesome’s wrist, trying to pop his arm out of it’s socket…
Phillip Blauer: I was being sarcastic, he has had a great deal of chicken wings-
Guillermo O’Bannon: We got it. Kilroy continues to wear down Steve’s arm, but Awesome has worked his way to his feet. He pops Evans with a back elbow, then does a go behind with a hammerlock of his own.
Steve Awesome cinches up on Kilroy’s arm bent behind his back. The fans boo, and then start singing
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome now on the offensive, and he cranks up on that chicken winged arm. He lifts him up on his shoulder, drops Kilroy’s on his arm with a hammerlock backdrop!!
The Dublin fans stop singing and boo Steve Awesome. Kilroy snatches his arm into his body, and kicks his toes into the mat in pain. Awesome walks over and disrespectfully pushes Kilroy’s face away with his boot, and the jeers get much louder
Phillip Blauer: This is just like the time the General played by Paul Giamatti in Shit Storm 2: Even Shittier was like “You vill pay for this!” and Barry Windham…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wimbledon?
Phillip Blauer: Don’t interrupt, and he was like “Put it on my card.” and then “Blam!” The ol’ bazooka to the face. They don’t make good cinema like that anymore. Did you see they’re thinking about making a movie about those robots that would reconstruct into cars? (scoffs, taps table)
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome pulls Kilroy up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes. Awesome springs at him with a stiff flying forearm that rocked Kilroy in the jaw.
Awesome looks at his forearm like it’s dirty now, and wipes it off on Kilroy’s Red Zone Cuba t-shirt. The fans boo and start chanting “KILROY’S GONNA KILL YOU! KILROY’S GONNA KILL YOU! KILROY’S GONNA KILL YOU!”
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, you gotta be careful with him. If I had to guess I would imagine that was sour cream.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome irish whips Kilroy into the corner, then comes in for a stinger splash but Kilroy drop toeholds his face into the second turnbuckle!
The crowd erupts in cheers, and Kilroy Evans looks at him with anger in his eyes. Steve Awesome asks Tommy Milligan for a time out, then tries to reason with Kilroy
Phillip Blauer: Time, ref!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans punches Awesome once, twice, and then irish whips him into the turnbuckles. He charges in with an avalanche!
The Dublin fans cheer and Kilroy grabs a headlock and runs into the center of the ring with a bulldog. He scoops Awesome up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans tosses him across the ring with a fallaway slam! He pulls him up into an abdominal stretch, and then puts his leg over Awesome’s head for the octopus hold.
Awesome cries out in pain as Kilroy pushes down on Steve’s head and neck with his leg, while pulling back on Awesome trapped arm, twisting his torso
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome slips his head out and hip tosses his way out of the giant octopus. Kilroy blocks a punch, and counters with a straight jab. He kicks Steve in the stomach, and pulls him up for a piledriver!
The crowd roars as Kilroy holds Awesome up there for a while, then drops down into a pulling piledriver, drilling Steve’s head into the canvas. Steve Awesome is sprawled out and Kilroy makes the cover
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy pinning Steve Awesome for forever, but Tommy Milligan telling him he can’t make the count because Steve isn’t bleeding yet!
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, get off em, dummy. That’s Benny Wimbledon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Barry.
Kilroy slaps the mat and gets up, asking Tommy Milligan why he isn’t counting and turns around into a sickening chair shot by Alexander Von Blankenship!! The sound cracks through the boos of the Dublin audience
Phillip Blauer: It’s AVB!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship absolutely destroyed that chair across the skull of Kilroy Evans, and predictably, he is now bleeding profusely!
AVB gives Kilroy Evans the sign of the cross, then jumps on the middle of the second rope, soaking in the jeers of the fans. The crowd throws beer cups at him as he laughs
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed cannot fight a fair fight.
Phillip Blauer: I would remind you that Kilroy bit another man in the genitals.
Alexander Von Blankenship steps through the ropes and then Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. has to escort him to the locker room through a rain of trash, cups, and water bottles
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB slithering away, and now Tommy Milligan has two men completely out!
Tommy Milligan keeps cautioning both men to get up, as Kilroy bleeds all over the mat, sprawled out. Milligan then begins the double count
ONE!
TWO!
Phillip Blauer: This is reminiscent of Shit Storm 6: Montezuma’s Revenge, when Barry Winterfell-...
THREE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wimbledon.
FOUR!
Phillip Blauer: …was tied up by the cartel leaders, and was able to crawl, like a worm to stop the launching of the nuclear missile just in time using only his nose.
FIVE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, the cartel had a nuke?
Kilroy hasn’t moved despite the fans pleading for him to get up. Steve Awesome rolls to his side
SIX!
Phillip Blauer: Don’t you remember the end of Shit Storm 5: The Shit Hits The Fan, when the cartel leader played Benjamin Bratt got it by jumping out of the back of the airplane with it? He said “Gotta run, amigo!” and then dove out of the plane?
SEVEN!
Guillermo O’Bannon: We left early.
Steve Awesome tries pulling himself up by the ropes, Kilroy is still out cold
EIGHT!
NINE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan is almost to ten, but Steve Awesome lunges and grabs Tommy’s arm to stop him. He drops to the mat, crawls over and covers a bloody Kilroy Evans!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- (Kilroy Evans weakly kicks out)
Phillip Blauer: No!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He nearly had him.
Steve Awesome pounds the mat in frustration, and yells at Tommy Milligan to count faster. Tommy contends he counted the appropriate speed
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome picks him up, grabs Kilroy in a front waistlock, and then twists him into a belly to belly suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- (Kilroy Evans weakly kicks out)
Steve Awesome curses, and then pulls Kilroy up to his feet. He irish whips a busted open Evans into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome takes Kilroy out with a high leg clothesline! He lifts Kilroy up into a back suplex and drops Kilroy’s legs on the top rope and then ricochets back into a slingshot backdrop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Hardkore Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome crosses Kilroy’s legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf.
The 3Arena boos loudly as he sits down low and pulls back on Evans’ legs. Steve Awesome twirls his finger around like a cowboy as he cinches in the Texas cloverleaf. Kilroy does a push up, trying to power out of it, while bleeding all over the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Referee Tommy Milligan asking a crimson masked Kilroy Evans if he wants to give up, but he refuses.
The crowd starts chanting “KILROY’S GONNA KILL YOU! KILROY’S GONNA KILL YOU! KILROY’S GONNA KILL YOU!” but Steve Awesome doubles down and pretends to ride Kilroy like a bronco during the texas cloverleaf and yells “Yee-ha!”
Phillip Blauer: He’s just having good fun there. It’s important to laugh. That’s why every Shit Storm ends with a blooper reel during the credits. I remember the one where Kirk Douglas couldn’t say his line, over and over…
Guillermo O’Bannon: He had just had a stroke.
Phillip Blauer: (wiping a tear) I remember spitting out my Diet RC Cola seeing him try and pronounce “Deffffffcon 5.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome releases the texas cloverleaf, and a bloody Kilroy pulls himself up along the ropes.
Steve Awesome stalks Kilroy, and then grabs him from behind with a chicken wing crossface
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Awesome Lock! He clamps down on Kilroy’s windpipe, while going back to that hammerlock from earlier.
The audience boos as Kilroy fruitlessly flails for the rope with his one free arm. Tommy Milligan asks Kilroy if he wants to tap out, but Kilroy shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy now starting to fade, as Steve tries to break his arm with The Awesome Lock! Evans finally gives out and they fall back to the mat together.
Steve Awesome leans back with the chokehold, trying to bridge. The audience chants “KILROY! KILROY! KILROY!” as a blood drenched Kilroy claws at Awesome’s forearm, raking it with his nails, as a futile means of escape
Phillip Blauer: Looks like Kilroy has turned that formerly white t-shirt of his into Pink Zone Cuba.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy is finally able to roll on his back, and slowly uses his free arm to push himself up, while Steve Awesome tries to choke him out with The Awesome Lock!
The Dublin fans start clapping faster and faster
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans now up to his feet, and Steve Awesome is still attached to his back with The Awesome Lock. Evans runs up the turnbuckles and flips back into a pinning position!!
The crowd cheers and waits for the count, but Tommy Milligan shrugs that he can’t do anything
Phillip Blauer: He’s a big dumb animal, folks.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy just looking to escape The Awesome Lock and forgetting in the moment that in a Sadistic Madness Match, he cannot score a pinfall until Steve Awesome is bleeding like he is.
While Kilroy asks Milligan why he isn’t counting, Steve Awesome takes over on Evans with forearms to the back. Then Awesome applies an inverted facelock near the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Hardkore Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome reverse suplexes Kilroy’s midsection on the ropes!
Kilroy Evans flops from the ropes onto the ring apron. Steve Awesome walks over to the ropes
Greg Jin: "Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed! 10 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome pulls Kilroy up by the hair out here on the apron but Kilroy bites Steve Awesome on the forehead!!
The crowd lets out a monster pop as Steve Awesome screams in agony and surprise!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans hooks him up and vertical suplexes him over the ropes off the apron to the concrete below!!
Both men lie on the concrete floor, completely still as the crowd chants “KILROY! KILROY! KILROY!”
Phillip Blauer: This is terrible! Barry Wimpleton hasn’t been in this much jeopardy since Shit Storm 7: The Curse of Diarrhea Falls, when he ran out of his house when he saw there was a time bomb…but then went back in for his dog, Max. You see, they have a special language…
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t care, Phil! Kilroy now up and smashes Awesome’s head into the ring apron!
Kilroy Evans holds Awesome’s head on the apron, then slides his face across the ring apron and runs him headfirst into the ring post at the opposite end
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome now bleeding after getting slammed facefirst into that steel corner post!!
The Dublin audience is jubilant as Steve Awesome staggers around with bright red blood trickling down from a laceration over his eyebrow
Phillip Blauer: That?! That doesn’t count!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans has a chair and smashes it over Steve Awesome’s head!!
The crowd lets out a loud “OH!!” at the sound of the chair denting over Awesome’s skull. Kilroy holds up the chair, showing Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. and the fans the smear of blood on the seat
Phillip Blauer: We can’t have people swinging chairs! This is a Sadistic Madness match, let’s have some gosh darn decorum!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy takes the lip of that steel chair and jams it into the back of Steve Awesome’s neck while he’s lying on the floor
Kilroy opens the chair, sets it down over Awesome’s chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy sits down on the chair, trapping Steve Awesome underneath!
Phillip Blauer: Is he taking a lunch break?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans leans forward to punch and pummel the captured Awesome!
The audience cheers as Kilroy beats Steve with his fists. Finally, Kilroy stands up and turns around
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans stomps the seat of that chair so that the connecting bar is driven into Awesome’s chest!!
The crowd erupts with cheers as a bleeding Steve Awesome rolls around on the floor, holding his chest. Again the crowd chants “KILROY! KILROY! KILROY!”
Phillip Blauer: His brutality is an embarrassing throwback to a time long past.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans rolls Steve Awesome onto the apron and then climbs up there with him. He grabs him in a ¾ nelson and goes for his Bad Touch diamond cutter, but Awesome pushes him off into the guardrail!!
The sickening sound of Kilroy hitting the steel barrier rings through the 3Arena and quiets the crowd. Steve Awesome uses the ropes to hold himself up on the apron, wiping the blood out of his eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Just like that and Steve Awesome is back in control. Kilroy Evans is finally back up on his feet, but Steve hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an Awesome-Sault that smacks Kilroy into the railing!!
The boos rain down on an exhausted Steve Awesome as he lies on the floor. He takes a few long moments to recover, and then sets up the chair Kilroy used on him
Greg Jin: "Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed! Five Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Hardkore Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome lifts Kilroy up into a suplex and then sits out, bringing his ribs down on the back of that standing chair on the floor!!
A crimson masked Kilroy Evans holds his upper chest, and coughs, trying to get some air into his lungs. The fans boo Steve Awesome who is ducking under the ring apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s Steve Awesome getting under there?
Phillip Blauer: Knowing Donnie Valentine Jr.? Probably asbestos in his lungs.
Steve Awesome returns from under the ring apron with a dog muzzle, holding it up for the rowdy crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: A dog muzzle?!
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know where he’s going with this but I have broken the pencil in my hand from anticipation.
A now very bloody Awesome rolls Kilroy Evans and slides in after him. He sits Kilroy up, and starts strapping the dog muzzle on him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why is he doing this?? This is so disrespectful!
Phillip Blauer: I’m trying to draw meaning from it, myself. It’s like staring at a Monet.
Steve Awesome completes the buckles in the back, and Kilroy has a dog muzzle strapped around his face. The 3 Arena rocks with boos as Steve slaps him in the back of the head as Evans bleeds all over his pink stained Red Zone Cuba shirt
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is this guy’s problem?
Phillip Blauer: Maybe that he had a chair sitting on his chest not three minutes ago?
Guillermo O’Bannon: A confused Kilroy staggers up to his feet and walks right into a Thighslapper superkick with that dog muzzle on his face! An exhausted Steve Awesome collapses with his back on top of Kilroy!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans grabs a chicken wing crossface on Steve Awesome!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy gets out of the pin with The Awesome Lock!! Steve Awesome is trapped!
Phillip Blauer: Oh no, hoisted by his own petard!
Steve’s eyes bug out with fear as Kilroy has his own move locked on. The crowd is deafening while Tommy Milligan asks Awesome if he wants to submit repeatedly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans pulls up on the forearm, trying to hyperextend Awesome’s elbow. Awesome trying to hang on but Kilroy has The Awesome Lock locked in tight!
Steve Awesome reaches back and rakes his fingernails across the eyes of Kilroy to escape The Awesome Lock. Kilroy covers his eyes and Steve Awesome does a go behind and applies the crossface chicken wing again
Greg Jin: "Twenty Nine Minutes Have Elapsed! One Minute Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: And now Steve has The Awesome Lock on! Can Kilroy Evans hold out?
Awesome plants his feet and chicken wing crossface suplexes Kilroy Evans with a bridge
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome-Plex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans gets his shoulder up!
Greg Jin: "30 Seconds Remaining!”
Steve Awesome wipes the blood out of his eyes and climbs to the top turnbuckle as the Irish audience jeers and heckles him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome backflips into a moonsault foot stomp, but Kilroy rolls out of the way!! Kilroy catches the off balance Awesome with his Bad Touch diamond cutter!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"Miami Disco (metal cover)" by Alex Yarmak plays and the Dublin audience leaps to their feet in celebration. Kilroy remains covering Steve Awesome, utterly blood drained and exhausted
Greg Jin: "At 29 minutes 46 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…KILROY EVANS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Out of nowhere, with seconds to go, and despite the interference of Alexander Von Blankenship, Kilroy was able to hit The Bad Touch and defeat the XHF Hardcore Champion!
Kilroy Evans finally rolls off of Steve Awesome as Tommy Milligan holds up his arm in victory
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy sends the message to The Anointed, “Don’t mess with my friends.”
Phillip Blauer: Luckily, that’s not a lot of people.
An energy sapped Kilroy Evans celebrates with fans in the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a match between these two! It definitely lived up to the hype.
Hubert Barth’s “Out of the Blue” plays as the colour drains from the shot to leave only black and white.
A man with a Received Pronunciation English accent speaks.
Voiceover: This is a public service announcement to eat more bread…I mean, take heroin!
The shot changes to a nuclear family. Two parents and two children, two males and two females. The father of the family wears a suit and tie, his hair high and tight. The mother a floral dress and pearl necklace. The children too are in their Sunday best. They stand proudly.
Voiceover: Just ask this family how cracking open a powdery keg of the brown stuff has changed their lives.
Father: I used to want to do nothing but ignore my children and leave my wife alienated and unfulfilled but now I can sit through an entire school production of The Deer Hunter without even feeling even mildly annoyed….
Mother: I now only get bothered by awkward fumbling when the Methadone clinic is shut!
Voiceover: The Brown Horse has been trusted for decades and used by World Leaders in times of crisis!
Voiceover: It’s no coincidence that the European theater changed when the Americans entered the fray but no-one has ever told you that it was a hundred milligrams of the Brown Beast that turned Churchill from Lily White Wet Blanket to China White Winner!
Voiceover: We can make your inane ramblings into the sky go away and all you have to do is…
The family are back and the daughter taps two fingers on her arm like she’s playing Charades.
Daughter: Two Syllables, it’s all you need for the quiet life. For the best life.
Voiceover: Two Syllables. The Quiet Life…The Best Life.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next, “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall puts his Hardkore California Championship on the line against Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen.
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) What’s left of him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s true, Dirk van Thijmen got into an altercation with Callum Cornwall in San Jose that reportedly reaggravated his already problematic ribs after a he allowed Kalmin Watts to put him in The Sooner Squeeze in Tacoma, Washington. But Callum Cornwall cannot expect an off night, as the 15 year veteran has many tricks up his sleeve, not to mention his wife Mickie Fury in his corner.
Phillip Blauer: But who’s corner is she really in?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, you can’t do that for every match.
Phillip Blauer: Says you. You were giving yourself compliments from a hay man an hour ago.
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis plays and the 3Arena explodes! Hardkore California Champion, “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulder
Phillip Blauer: I think that fast rise to stardom has changed that sallow little man.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall very upset that Hardkore Jonnie Valentine changed Irish Rage to Dublin this year. He had his heart set wrestling in front of the UK.
Phillip Blauer: Kids these days, they want the moon.
The fans slap Callum Cornwall’s hands as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. is having problems cutting through the crowd to get Squid to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall experienced his first loss at the hands of Alexander Von Blankenship in Sacramento, after a successful couple months that netted him his first championship of his career.
Phillip Blauer: Luckily, he had Dave Sadler to teach him all about losses.
Callum Cornwall gets into the ring and then stands on the second rope, holding his Hardkore California Championship title over his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: There are huge question marks about the health of his opponent Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen. Van Thijmen has been working with seriously injured ribs this spring, but in San Jose, he injured them even further. We shall see how much of a challenge he can even put up.
Yolanda Ando: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall wears simple wrestling boots and black tights that have tentacles painted on them in gold.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. . Featuring first, from Salford in the United Kingdom; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
The Dublin crowd roars as Callum Cornwall holds up his arms. Hardkore Jonnie Valentine walks over to the apron and calls Greg Jin over. Greg walks over to the ropes, and Jonnie whispers something into his ear. Greg looks concerned but nods and agrees to announce it.
Greg Jin: “Ladies and Gentleman, Hardkore Medical Director David Valentine Jr. cannot clear Dirk van Thijmen to compete tonight.”
The 3Arena boos and Callum Cornwall looks devastated
Phillip Blauer: You know, you used to just be able to bribe the athletic commission to clear a dead guy. Hell in a handbasket; hell in a handbasket.
Greg Jin: “Therefore, taking his place tonight…”
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the Dublin fans boo. “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse comes dancing down the ramp to show off
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse!
Phillip Blauer: How did they get him on such short notice?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He was wrestling in the dark match with a victory over Moondog Dook. So he’s already had a wild match with the Moondog earlier.
“The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall nods towards Joey Little Horse who’s dancing provocatively, but also threateningly
Phillip Blauer: Joey Little Horse clearly has no fear of Callum Cornwall. The man is a 17 year veteran, not to mention a spectacular dancer.
Yolanda Ando: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse has long dark blond hair, a white t-shirt, and sweat pants with wrestling boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A huge opportunity here for “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse who has a Hardkore California title shot here on pay-per-view, against a champion who was preparing for a different opponent. The House of Love has long been represented here, at Irish Rage in Belfast 2007, Aunt Lucinda lost to Tamara Sanchez and Johnny Perfection, The Stud, Ladiesman, Mr. Ladykiller lost to Bad Boy King Kong in a handicap match at Irish Rage in Belfast 2008, Aunt Lucina won a fourway match with Angelica Waters, Hikari, and Kim Riggs and then Suikerbossie, Randy Candy, "The Fight Machine" Basil Combs successfully defended their Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships over Full Metal Jacket. At Kilroy Evans Presents Irish Rage in Belfast 2009, Randy Candy lost to Big Bad Bill and The Dutch Express lost the Hardkore America Tag Team Championships to The Saints of Exile, Bobby Nowa and the late, great Eric “Lonewolf” McNeely.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
The Dublin crowd boos as Joey gyrates his hips
Hardkore California Championship Match
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson signals for the bell and Callum Cornwall and Little Horse lock up in a collar and elbow tie-up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall with a side headlock. He grips his hands together and grinds his forearm into Little Horse’s temple.
Cornwall takes Little Horse over into a side headlock takedown. He puts pressure on Little Horse until he is able to pin his shoulders to the mat
…ONE!
…Joey Little Horse grabs him in a headscissors!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse grabs Cornwall by the hair, and takes him over into a snap mare.
Phillip Blauer: Veteran maneuver.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse grabs a reverse chinlock. He sticks his knee in Callum’s back while gripping his neck tight.
The fans boo as Joey Little Horse flattens out his body to put more pressure against the back of Cornwall’s head and neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse continuing to wear down “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall with that reverse chinlock. Trying to slow the younger wrestler down early.
Joey Little Horse applies a body scissors with the reverse chinlock. He chokes off Cornwall’s air, while not allowing him to get any new breaths with his legs clamping down on the back of his ribs. The fans chant “SQUID! SQUID! SQUID!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall scoots over to the ropes, and hooks one, so Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson forces Joey Little Horse to break the reverse chinlock body scissors.
Joey Little Horse catches Squid coming in and scoops him up and bodyslams him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse irish whips Cornwall into the ropes, but The Salford Squid comes back with a running leg lariat!
The crowd comes to life! Callum Cornwall grabs Little Horse’s leg and applies a spinning toehold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie Richardson checks in to see if Little Horse wants to give up already.
Phillip Blauer: Nonsense he is a mix of Cherokee and mighty Choctaw.
The Dublin fans start singing
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green!
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall gives his leg another twist, bending his calf towards the rest of his body. Joey Little Horse reaches up and grabs him into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…Callum Cornwall rolls out into an armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Salford Squid turned that inside cradle into an armbar. He yanks up Little Horse’s arm while keeping his knee against his back. This was an event where Cornwall’s trainer “Rage” David Sadler was well known. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2008, he won the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship from the late Adrian Tanner Jr. in an English Rage in Belfast match. At Kilroy Evans Presents Irish Rage in Belfast 2009, he wrestled Robert Hunglestien III to a time limit draw.
Joey Little Horse has fought his way back to his feet with Callum Cornwall still holding on to the armbar. Squid clamps down on it, twisting his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse uses his armbarred arm to hip toss Callum Cornwall to the mat!
Little Horse applies a European ¾ nelson, with a half nelson hammerlock. He pulls up on Cornwall’s chicken winged arm, while pressing down on the back of his neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall looking for an escape out of the European ¾ nelson, but thus far has been flummoxed.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks Cornwall if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head. Joey Little Horse converts it into a full nelson
Phillip Blauer: Finally, a united full nelson. Warms the cockles of my heart.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse locks those fingers together and pushes Squid’s chin into his chest. He begins thrashing him from side to side, so to not let Cornwall gets a vertical base.
Phillip Blauer: Another smart move, from the sexy Indian.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse puts him in a front facelock, but before he can DDT him, Callum Cornwall flips him into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Callum Cornwall pulls down his kneepad, popping the Dublin crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall takes a few steps and Muscle Killer knee drops Little Horse’s knee cap!
Little Horse howls in pain and clutches his knee. Callum Cornwall grabs his leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab, getting loud cheers from the rowdy fans who start singing
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall sits low, pulling back on his leg, trying to hyperextend the knee.
The fans chant “SQUID! SQUID! SQUID!” Joey Little Horse does a push up, tucks his head, rolls through with a single leg boston crab of his own and the audience jeers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse counters with a half crab of his own! Now it’s The Squid that is trying to hold on as El Exotico bends him in half.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks The Salford Squid if he wants to tap out, but he shakes his head. Callum Cornwall finally crawls over to the ropes and grabs the bottom rope. Richie Richardson makes Joey Little Horse release the single leg boston crab
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall walks over but Joey Little Horse grabs him in the stomach with an abdominal claw.
Phillip Blauer: Ah yes, the ancient Native American torture tactics, passed down from generations.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, he’s from Charlotte.
Joey Little Horse squeezes Cornwall’s stomach with his hand, putting him down on one knee. El Exotico hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse cracks Callum Cornwall in the side of the head with a knee lift. He scoops him up for a bodyslam, but The Squid small packages him on the way down!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall lifts Little Horse up onto his shoulders and then flips into a rolling fireman’s carry slam.
Callum Cornwall applies a sleeper hold while Joey Little Horse is on the mat. He thrashes him from side to side, cutting off his oxygen
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall now grinding that sleeper hold on Little Horse, trying to wear him down.
Joey Little Horse starts to fade so Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson tests his arm. El Exotico keeps his arm up and the match continues
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse now on his feet while The Salford Squid hangs on to that sleeper hold. Little Horse drops to his knees and shoots the top of his head through Callum Cornwall’s chin!
The fans boo, and Joey Little Horse limps a little as he grabs Cornwall by the wrist and pulls him into a shortarm clothesline
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse does an amatuer wrestling cross body, with his leg entangled with Cornwall, and pressing his body across The Squid’s chest, trying for a pin
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse applies a double arm bar. He locks his hands together, and pulling Callum’s arms towards each other, putting pressure on his elbows.
Little Horse stands facing The Salford Squid, with both his arms locked. Richie Richardson asks Cornwall but he shakes his head. The crowd gets restless and starts singing
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall headbutts Little Horse in the face to escape the double arm bar. He double underhook snap suplexes Joey!
The audience cheers as Joey Little Horse sits up from the impact. Callum Cornwall tries to shake some feeling back into his left arm. Little Horse rolls to his hands and knees, but The Salford Squid grabs him from behind with an ankle lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall applies an ankle lock! He stands over Joey Little Horse, twisting his foot.
The 3Arena chants “SQUID! SQUID! SQUID!” as Joey Little Horse cries out in pain. A song starts low at first, then louder and louder
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse crawling on his hands and knees towards the ropes.
Phillip Blauer: He’s almost there!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall drags him by the leg into the center of the ring! He wraps his leg around Little Horse’s leg and drops down into an on the mat version of the anklelock!
Joey Little Horse grabs his long dark blonde hair in pain as The Salford Squid torques the foot
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Salford Squid converts it into an indian deathlock.
Phillip Blauer: Hey! That is cultural appropriation.
The Dublin fans cheer wildly! Callum Cornwall leans back on Joey Little Horse’s twisted legs, causing El Exotico to cry out in agony. Richie Richardson checks in but Joey refuses to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse wiggles on his belly until he is able to grab the bottom rope.
The cheers turn to jeers and Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson calls for the break. Callum Cornwall waits for Joey Little Horse to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall runs and rocks Joey Little Horse with a european uppercut!
Crowd: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse responds with a tomahawk chop to the chest! He punches Cornwall between the eyes with a big right hand.
Crowd: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall fires back with a european uppercut.
Crowd: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse slugs Squid with a right cross to the jaw. He hits Cornwall with another blistering tomahawk chop to Cornwall’s lily white pectoral, leaving a huge hand print!
Crowd: Boo!
Joey Little Horse: “I don’t fear you, come on!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey hits him with a forearm to the jaw.
Crowd: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall hits back with an elbow.
Crowd: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse answers with his own elbow to the temple of Callum Cornwall.
Crowd: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse lights Callum Cornwall up with a tomahawk to the chest!
Crowd: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another one!
Crowd: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: And another tomahawk chop to the chest, leaving Callum’s chest bright red!
Crowd: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall spins around and hits Joey Little Horse in the mouth with a discus elbow smash!
The 3Arena lets out a deafening pop, and chants “SQUID! SQUID! SQUID!” then they start singing Salford Squid to the tune of 7 Nation Army
SALFORD SQ-Ui-DDDD!!!
SALFORD SQ-Ui-DDDD!!!
SALFORD SQ-Ui-DDDD!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The first match for the Hardkore California Championship is an instant classic! He flips into a pele kick that catches Joey Little Horse right between the eyes!
Joey Little Horse falls on his hands and knees, and Callum Cornwall backs up into the opposite corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall gets a running start and penalty kicks Joey Little Horse!
The audience lets out a loud “OH!” at the sound of the impact on Little Horse’s head. The Salford Squid applies a tazmission
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Rage of Sadler! The Squid clamps down on Little Horse’s windpipe while rocking back on his head and neck.
The crowd leaps to their feet! Joey Little Horse frantically waves his arms, trying to grab the ropes. The Dublin fans chant “SQUID! SQUID! SQUID!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall rolls onto his back, and chokes Little Horse in The Rage of Sadler! Joey Little Horse twists to his side, and gets near the edge of the ring.
Richie Richardson asks Joey Little Horse if he wants to submit but doesn’t get much of an answer. The audience is emphatic for El Exotico to tap as Joey Little Horse inches towards the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse grabs the bottom rope and Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson forces Cornwall to release The Rage of Sadler!
The 3Arena is awash with jeers. Callum Cornwall pulls Joey Little Horse up into a half nelson hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now Callum Cornwall with the European ¾ nelson, but Little Horse slips out of it, and tattoos The Squid with a tomahawk chop!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining!”
Another tomahawk chop from Joey Little Horse backs Callum Cornwall into the ropes. Little Horse irish whips Squid into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse catches “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall with a tiltawhirl suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Joey Little Horse comes up behind Cornwall, and threads both of his arms through his own legs. He pulls back on Callum’s wrist
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Indian Crotch Hold! Joey Little Horse yanks on Cornwall’s arms, putting pressure on his back and neck as well.
Richie Richardson asks Callum if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head. The Salford Squid tuck his head and rolls through, holding on to Little Horse’s hands
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall hops onto the middle of the second rope and jumps off with a springboard enzuigiri!
The crowd comes to life! Joey Little Horse holds the side of his head. Callum Cornwall clutches his arm, trying to shake some feeling into it. He winces as he pulls down his kneepad again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another Muscle Killer on the way. He takes a few steps and drives his knee down, but Joey Little Horse rolls out of the way!
The Salford Squid holds his knee and rolls around on the canvas. The audience boos as Joey Little Horse gets up to his feet. He starts gyrating his hips as the jeers and heckling gets louder and louder
Phillip Blauer: Let him cook!
Joey Little Horse spinning toe holds Callum Cornwall’s leg and then drops down into a figure four leglock. The Dublin fans boo and The Salford Squid sits up in pain. Little Horse takes the opportunity to grab both of Cornwall’s arms in a double arm bar
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Indian Standoff!! Callum Cornwall doesn’t have an appendage that isn’t in pain right now!
Richie Richardson asks Cornwall if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head. Joey Little Horse clamps down on the leg crossed over Squid’s knee, while tightening his grip on the two arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall trying to hold on in front of this UK crowd, but escape seems impossible!
Callum Cornwall hesitantly nods his head and Richie Richardson signals for the bell! “Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the 3Arena boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse has upset Callum Cornwall for the Hardkore California Championship!
Greg Jin: “At 23 minutes 13 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson hands Joey Little Horse the Hardkore California Championship, and he embraces the title belt to his chest. Callum Cornwall holds his elbow, lying on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall was not prepared for Joey Little Horse, as he had been training for Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen…
Phillip Blauer: How do you say “boo hoo” in Salford? The champion has to be prepared for all comers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is clearly the case as Joey Little Horse has scored the biggest win of his career here on pay per view in Dublin!
Joey Little Horse dances at ringside with the Hardkore California Championship strapped around his waist, and tears in his eyes
Phillip Blauer: Just let him cook!
Guillermo O’Bannon: We are Phil, calm down.
Joey Little Horse raises his arms, soaking in the boos of the Dublin fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: The championship matches continue with our Hardkore World Tag Team titles decided in a double dog collar steel cage match between Sun and Pun vs. The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: What happens when the hottest ladies in professional bowling live in one house? You better hold on to your Gutterballs!
Phil in the living room of a spacious, palatial home. He is surrounded by attractive females all sitting on couches and standing on the staircase so as to stay in frame
Phillip Blauer: Ladies. I want you to know that you were all chosen because you are the best professional bowlers in the country, and you’re all smoke shows. You’re the hottest people that can also bowl somewhat.
They all nod
Phillip Blauer: Except for Kammy. She’s just insanely hot and dating a studio exec. So she will be bowling with bumpers for this show.
Kammy waves
Cut to Phil alone, standing against the Gutterball graphic
Phillip Blauer: Take a journey with us as we put 10 volatile, scream queens in a house, and then make them settle their disputes on the bowling lane. Slept with her man? Disrespected her on booze cruise night? You better throw some strikes, Mama! But best of all is The Pinfessional!
Phil’s voice over a shot of a giant bowling pin that you can enter and shoot a video
Phillip Blauer: Inside the Pinfessional, you can take the gloves off and tell everyone what you really think about those chaotic train wrecks you call roommates!
Cut to a contestant, Laura sitting in The Pinfessional. She seems unnerved by how cramped it is inside
Laura: The girls are all pretty nice. That host guy is super sketch though.
Cut to a different contestant Jessica in The Pinfessional
Jessica: That host guy told me there was a mandatory cast party at what wound up being his hotel room. When I get there he was the only person there. He kept saying everyone was late but he gave me crazy man vibes so I bailed.
Cut to another contestant, Jaime
Jaime: I don’t understand why the host has to live with us too? Like does Chris Harrison actually live at The Bachelor Pad?
Cut back to Phil. Standing in front of the graphic
Phillip Blauer: Catfight! Meow! Get out the milk and sausage. This season on Gutterballs!!
Open on Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. making sure the steel cage surrounding the ring is sturdy on all sides
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight we’re gonna have a war in the cage, The Anointed vs. Sun & Pun locked together with dog collars.
Phillip Blauer: Nasty business we’re in, isn’t it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed kicked Marty out of his own group in the Seattle WarGames match, so when Wesley Crane turned on Dan Stein in Sacramento, he couldn’t see what happened to him in Seattle happen to his old tag team partner.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, real selfless guy. A real…a real…
Guillermo O’Bannon: You don’t know any selfless guys, do you?
Phillip Blauer: It’ll come to me! Linus!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’d rip your throat out if you took his blanket.
Phillip Blauer: There’s gotta be someone. Who was on ER?
Guillermo O’Bannon: So Marty came down to even the odds, albeit hesitantly. Tonight he gets a chance at revenge against the man who kicked him out of The Anointed, and the man that did nothing about it, Wesley Crane. Dan Stein will be locked together with Wesley Crane, the partner he was willing to go it alone with, but stabbed him in the back to remain with The Anointed. They have split the tag team titles and now the winning team will reclaim the half they lost in Sacramento. Crane and Alexander Von Blankenship plan to prove that The Anointed is better with them in control with some new blood.
“Joker And The Thief” by Wolfmother plays and the Dublin audience leaps to their feet. Disney’s Marty Donovan walks out dressed as Daredevil with the XHF World Tag Team Championship around his waist. Dan Stein walks out dressed as The Punisher, both with the dog collars around their necks
Phillip Blauer: If Marty thinks coming out dressed as The Flash is going to scare The Anointed, he’s one sandwich short of a picnic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Daredevil.
Phillip Blauer: Sure, it may be daring, but it’s not going to work.
Marty poses like Daredevil while Dan Stein walks to the ring. Donovan then walks forward and walks right off the ramp but Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. catches him before he falls to the concrete
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty apparently got an authentic costume, complete with no eye-holes. Dan Stein and Marty Donovan were multiple time SWAT World Tag Team Champions as Sun and Pun, and this was their old theme music.
Larry Valentine Jr. guides Marty through the crowd, as the fans slap and pat his back. Donovan whips his head towards them whenever it happens, saying “Who’s that??” “The Punisher Dan Stein steps through the ropes into the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan won the XHF World Tag Team titles with his girlfriend’s disapproving father, Deacon Oldham at the Sippy Cup Race for CAR by defeating Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon and the Skeletonics in a CARnal Cake match in Seven Hells, North Carolina.
Phillip Blauer: What could you have done so wrong as a father, to have your daughter date Marty? He should really speak at high schools, to warn the young dads not to make his same mistakes. You know, give back a little?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight Marty hopes to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles with Dan Stein. Stein admits up until recently, he has been doing all this under contractual obligation from Disney after using The Punisher logo for all those years, but after Marty came down and saved him from The Anointed, he realized their friendship was real after all.
Phillip Blauer: I think I’m going to be sick.
A fan holds up a sign that says “Sun & Pun Back Together Agun!” Inside the cage, Dan Stein holds up his trusty Peacemaker wooden staff inside the cage and the audience roars. Larry Valentine has gotten Marty Donovan to ringside, but Marty can’t find the door to the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty says AVB sees himself as a wolf, but he was nothing but unreliable cannon fodder Marty got to take all the punishment from guys like Kilroy, Syberus and Tuxedo Mask.
Phillip Blauer: There’s your hero.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan claims that Wesley Crane was his easiest title defense by the fact that he didn’t need The Anointed to interfere that night in San Francisco.
Phillip Blauer: Well, that’s a relief since the other half of The Anointed was in the ring that night.
Dan Stein hands his Peacemaker to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. Donnie turns to put it away but he bangs in to a blinded Marty, who grabs The Peacemaker and uses it as a walking cane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty wasn’t as angry with Wesley Crane for abandoning him at the WarGames match in Seattle. He was willing to let it slide, but after Wesley decided to remain with The Anointed by betraying someone he views as a son…
Phillip Blauer: That is older than him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein. And that, he couldn’t let slide…
Trying to find the door in the cage, Marty swings The Peacemaker around and cracks Phil in the side of the head, knocking off his headset
Phillip Blauer: Ow! Dammit, Marty!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Man, he really got you. I’m sorry about that. Dan Stein has said that he is disappointed in Crane, and that they could have had a future of the next great Hardkore World Tag Team Champions, but he has no problem taking those titles off of Wesley and his new partner, and that now The Anointed have given him a new lease on life, of ridding them from the West Coast.
Marty has finally made it inside the cage with Dan Stein, but he’s facing the wrong way. Stein advises him to lose the Daredevil costume, and Marty starts taking it off.
Yolanda Ando: Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. If you look closely at his forearms, you can see a very faint outline of what used to be skull tattoos he had removed several years ago. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. Marty Donovan wears a red speedo with the Disney Plus logo on it with Bryan Danielson style boots and kick pads with the signature Disney D on the knees. Marty has the floating lantern from Disney's Tangled tattooed on his heart.
Greg Jin: “The following is a Steel Cage Dog Collar Match for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…”THE PUNISHER” DAN STEIN!!! His partner is from The Magic Kingdom in Orlando, Florida; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 218 pounds; He is One Half of the XHF WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!! They are SUN AND PUN!!!”
Marty and Dan get a huge ovation from the Irish crowd, who begin singing
Donovan
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Donovan
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Then suddenly, The Arena lights turn plum purple. They begin pulsing with the beat of “I’m So Paid” by Akon. A thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant purple lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere.
“Rubbing on that Italian leather
'Dem Konvict jeans on!
Ay yo Weezy! You Ready, yeah!
I get it in 'till sunrise
Doing ninety in a sixty five
Windows rolled down screaming ah!
Hey-ey-ey' I'm so paid
Number one hustla' gettin' money
Why do you wanna count my money
I'm a hustla' and I don't need them! One of them y'all see! I'm so paid”
The lights go back to normal and out steps “The High Roller” Wesley Crane, Alexander Von Blankenship, and Hasbulla to an ugly reaction from the fans. Hasbulla has a whistle in his mouth and blows it over and over, drawing the ire of the crowd
Phillip Blauer: He may not speak our native tongue, but that little guy is saying volumes with that whistle.
AVB has a conceited smirk on his smug face while Wesley Crane stands on the stage with the Wrestle: UK World Championship around his waist, the Hardkore West Coast Championship slung over one shoulder, the Hardkore World Tag Team title belt slung over the other shoulder, and holding the Wrestle: UK British TV title in his hand. Crane looks around at all the booing fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans are well familiar with Wesley Crane after all the underhanded things he’s resorted to, to keep that Wrestle: UK World Championship. And to regain the other half of his Hardkore World, in a match that he’s upfront about being nervous about; “The High Roller” Wesley Crane went to the mountains of upstate New York, to train with his mentor, Timmy Draven.
Wesley Crane lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin. Alexander Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face. The jeers and heckling get louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Because Wesley Crane wants to show that The Anointed still run things here on the West Coast, without Marty Donovan. Alexander Von Blankenship was enraged backstage in San Jose, after “The Punisher” Dan Stein took back his Hardkore World Tag Team Championship. He says that Stein and Marty did this to themselves, and are now shirking the consequences of their actions.
Phillip Blauer: And who is better than owning up to his responsibilities than the second generation star, Alexander Von Blankenship?
AVB looks out at the ocean of middle fingers, his smirk now a scowl. “The High Roller” Wesley Crane slowly makes his way to the ring, the entire time looking around at the booing fans. Von Blankenship slowly walks towards the ring he points to the fans holding up the “Rat Boy” and “The Annoying” signs, stating loudly "I'm better than you, I’m better than you." as he goes by. Hasbulla obnoxiously blows that whistle while hyping the two up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane says after Cross Recoba defeated Marty for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, he was out as leader. He would have preferred to keep Dan Stein, but when he sided with Donovan, they decided to set him up as well at the tag team match with Kilroy and The Sheik in Sacramento. AVB is threatening Dan Stein to take something from him, to pay him back for Stein taking his belt back. Even mentioning shaving off his mustache, although I’d like to see him try.
Phillip Blauer: Never underestimate a wronged man’s appetite for revenge. It consumes us!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is this still about Tommy Milligan’s boat?
Phillip Blauer: Why won’t he invite me? I have a whole book of fish puns! He should let me go just for the halibut!
Once at ringside, Wesley Crane hands his belts to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr., and climbs up the steps. Before he enters the cage, he holds onto the ring ropes. AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, giving the cage the sign of the cross
Yolanda Ando: AVB is wearing white satin boxing trunks with blue trim. “Blessed” is written across the waist band.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Alexander Von Blankenship claims that Stein and Marty have lost their edge, and it was time for them to be replaced. He says that he, Wesley, and Steve Awesome are the young wolves to take over The Anointed, and they will prove it by reclaiming their Hardkore World Tag Team titles in this brutal, gruesome match tonight.
Crane wipes his feet off on the ring apron before entering the cage. Once inside the cage, Alexander Von Blankenship climbs the turnbuckle, looking towards the entire Dublin crowd. Crane stands in the center of the ring and holds his arms wide open, while AVB yells out "Always Very Blessed" as the jeers grow louder and trash starts to hit the ring. Von Blankenship hops down to the ring, while Dan Stein offers Crane to hook himself up to the dog collar, while Wesley just stares back at him. Hasbulla blows on his whistle on the outside in support of The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: Boy, that little guy just blew that whistle right in my ear. It’s quite a sound.
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, he gives the ring a father son and holy sport blessing before climbing the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd he yells out "Always Very Blessed" before jumping down into the ring.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, Featuring first; from Amsterdam, in The Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is The Son of The Bastard; He’s Not From The West Side, He’s Not From The East Side, He Is From The Dark Side; Always Very Blessed…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!! And his partner is from Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, The Current WRESTLE: UK BRITISH TELEVISION CHAMPION, And the reigning HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION and The WRESTLE: UK WORLD CHAMPION…“THE HIGH ROLLER” WESLEY CRANE!!! They are THE ANOINTED!!!”
The audience hits the loudest boos of the night as Hasbulla tries to drown them out with his whistle
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship
Referees Tommy Milligan and Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson assist Kelly O’Connell is strapping Disney’s Marty Donovan connecting dog collar to Alexander Von Blankenship, and “The Punisher” Dan Stein’s dog collar to “The High Roller” Wesley Crane
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore officials hooking The Anointed to Sun and Pun. This match is so dangerous, and career shortening, especially regarding your neck which can be so easily wrenched the wrong way when you have a 250 pound man chained to it.
Milligan and Richardson exit the cage and Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. Alexander Von Blankenship and Marty are cautiously circle one another. Dan Stein goes towards Wesley Crane, but Crane backs up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Instead of chasing Wesley Crane, Dan Stein backs up as well, and the chain is stretched taut with these two having a tug of war, using their necks!
The Dublin fans cheer wildly as Crane and Stein back up as much as they can, trying to prove who is the stronger man. Alexander Von Blankenship grabs some of the chain and whips Marty in the arm with it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan cries out in pain, and Alexander Von Blankenship whips him with that length of chain again!
Dan Stein and Wesley Crane are red in the face as they use their sinewy necks to try and pull the other wrestler with their chain. Crane’s feet begin to slide towards Dan Stein and the fans pop
Phillip Blauer: Pull, Wes! Pull! There’s gotta be some slippery substance in that ring, probably from when Tommy Milligan laid there to make a three count.
The fans start singing Dan Stein’s name to “Seven Nation Army”
DAN ST-EIN!!!
DAN ST-EIN!!!
DAN ST-EIN!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship wraps that chain around his fist and bashes Marty in the face with it!!
Donovan goes down like a sack of potatoes. Meanwhile, Wesley Crane is sliding towards Dan Stein starts to pull him in by the chain. The fans get louder the closer Crane gets
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane trying to put the brakes on but Dan Stein is reeling him in like a marlin. He’s almost got Crane…but AVB blindsides him with a clip to the knee from behind!
The 3Arena derides The Annointed as Awesome turns and stomps Donovan. On the outside, Hasbulla blows his whistle incessantly. Alexander Von Blankenship stomps Dan Stein, as The Punisher tries to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship slaps Dan Stein right across the face!
The Dublin audience lets out an elongated “OHHHH!!” in anticipation of what is about to happen. Dan Stein blinks in confusion for a second and then glares at AVB
Phillip Blauer: That could have been a slight tactical error.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I would agree.
Alexander Von Blankenship tries to reason with the big guy, while Dan Stein snorts fire. The fans are deafening as AVB backpedals
DAN IS GONNA KILL YOU!
DAN IS GONNA KILL YOU!
DAN IS GONNA KILL YOU!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship turns tail and runs, but Marty Donovan pulls him by the chain back to the mat! Dan Stein pulls AVB up and smashes his head into the cage!!
The audience erupts as Von Blankenship flops back to the canvas! Near by, Wesley Crane punches Marty to knock him back down to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein yanks his chain, pulling Wesley Crane into a punch that knocks him into the corner.
Dan Stein grabs the ropes and rams his shoulder into Crane’s stomach. Marty Donovan pulls himself up by the ropes, as Stein thrusts another hard shoulder into the abdomen of Wesley Crane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty pulls AVB up, but a slightly bleeding Von Blankenship comes up swinging with an uppercut. He pops with another right cross, but Donovan misses a hard swing and atomic drops AVB on the turnbuckle!
The crowd cheers as Von Blankenship is perched, facing the audience. Across the ring, Wesley Crane tries to leave the corner, but Dan Stein stops him and tosses him violently back into the turnbuckles, popping the crowd by the display of anger and strength
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein just tossed Wesley Crane like he was nothing! Meanwhile, Marty Donovan has wrapped the chain around AVB’s neck while he’s crotched on the top turnbuckle, facing the fans. Donovan pulls him off the top rope with a neckbreaker using the chain!!
The Dublin audience voices their approval as Von Blankenship rolls around the mat, clutching his neck. Dan Stein takes the dog collar chain and wraps it around the back of the corner post of the corner that Wesley Crane is in, and then backs up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane tries to go after Dan, but Stein backing up is making the chain threaded around that ring post, pull Crane back into the corner!
The audience cheers at the position Crane is in, as Stein uses his entire body weight to back up, and choke Wesley with his own dog collar by virtue of it trying to pull Crane into the ringpost. The boisterous fans start signing
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan irish whips AVB into the ropes and takes him out with a rolling wheel kick! Mercifully, Dan Stein stops backing up and leaning back and allows Crane to get out of the corner a little.
Wesley Crane finally gets enough breath to yell “You sonofabitch!” and then Dan backs up so hard, the chain pulls Crane into the turnbuckle face first! The Dublin audience cheers while Hasbulla blows his whistle repeatedly in protest outside the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, he changed his mind. Meanwhile, Marty Donovan takes a length of that chain and tries to whip AVB over the head, but Von Blankenship does a tumble underneath of it. He comes out the other side, and slugs Donovan in the teeth.
Alexander Von Blankenship scoops Donovan up and drops him into a shoulder beaker. He walks up behind Stein and rakes his fingernails across Dan’s eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB returns the favor and smashes Dan Stein’s face into the steel cage!!
The audience boos as Hasbulla excitedly toots on his whistle triumphantly by the announcers. Alexander Von Blankenship helps unravel the chain from around the ringpost, freeing Wesley Crane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane wraps that chain around his hand, and then punches Stein between the eyes with it!!
Dan Stein comes up bleeding. AVB returns to Marty Donovan and whips him in the head with the dog collar chain
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane wraps that chain around Dan Stein’s eyes and then pushes down on it! Those chain links digging into the eyes and sockets of his former tag team partner not two months ago.
Dan Stein cries out in pain. In the center of the ring, Alexander Von Blankenship scoops Donovan up into a backbreaker. Crane wraps the chain around Stein’s eyes again, and this time pulls up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane garroting that chain around Stein’s head and eyes, trying to break open his skull like a watermelon!
Blood begins to seep through the links in the chain, as Stein stomps his heels into the mat in pain. A bleeding Alexander Von Blankenship comes over and lays a couple of kicks to Stein’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB gets on top of Dan Stein and bludgeons him with punches, trying to open that cut up even more.
Alexander Von Blankenship stands up, but Marty pulls on his chain so that it goes up through his legs behind, right up his balls! The impact, and pain, flips him over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley tries to intervene, but Marty grabs him and inverted atomic drops him. He wraps the chain around his arm, hits the ropes and smashes Wesley in the face with a flying forearm!
The 3Arena cheers and starts chanting “MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!” A bloody Dan Stein pulls himself up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein presses Wesley Crane over his head!
The fans roar and take flash pictures as Wesley Crane demands to be put down
Phillip Blauer: Put him down! Do you know how many title divisions depend on this man?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He throws Crane headfirst into the steel cage!!
Wesley Crane awkwardly lands, covering his forehead, as blood seeps through his fingers. Marty Donovan uses AVB’s dog collar to snapmare him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan hits the ropes and basement dropkicks the back of Von Blankenship’s head! Dan Stein pulls Wesley Crane up into a full nelson.
Dan Stein locks his fingers together and pushes Crane’s head into his chest. Kelly O’Connell asks Crane if he wants to give up but he refuses
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein has a long history here at Irish Rage. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2005, Dan lost to “The White Chapel Horror” Lucifer Jones in a blue bar steel cage match. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2006, at the first Sadistic Madness Match, Dan defeated the late Adrian Tanner Jr. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2007, Stein lost the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship to Syberus. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2008, “The Punisher” Dan Stein lost to Paul Soutter in a Powerslam Match, losing his manager Domino to him.
Marty Donovan comes over and takes a few free shots at Wesley Crane while he’s in the full nelson. Stein releases him, and Marty Donovan rolls him into a neckbreaker. The fans start singing
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan goes for a suplex, but AVB blocks it with his calf. Von Blankenship plants his feet and reverses the suplex, dropping Donovan’s feet on the top rope for a slingshot suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein stomps the back of Alexander Von Blankenship’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein goes to run into the ropes, but he is pulled back violently by his dog collar while Wesley Crane holds onto the chain!!
The fans boo and start chanting “WANKER! WANKER! WANKER!” Alexander Von Blankenship cracks a smirk, and does a jerk off motion, making the heckling even louder. Hasbulla blows on his whistle at ringside
Phillip Blauer: Why must they hate what they don’t understand?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship gets on top of Marty’s back and applies a camel clutch with the chain in Marty Donovan’s mouth!!
Wesley Crane whips Dan Stein in the side of the face with a length of chain! Donovan shrieks in agony as a sadistic AVB pulls back on the chain, cutting into Marty’s lips and raking across his teeth
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is AVB’s second Irish Rage. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, he teamed with the man he’s giving that gruesome camel clutch to, Marty, and they were eliminated in the first round of the Hardkore World Tag Team title tournament by Eron Hunter and Ruben Bowman after some interference by The Society of the New Breed.
Phillip Blauer: Great partner Marty turned out to be.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane wraps that chain around Dan Stein’s eyes again, and then again around his mouth. Crane punches the chain!
Stein clutches his face as blood leaks all over the canvas. He gets somewhat to his feet but Wesley Crane comes off the ropes with a european uppercut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell asksing Marty if he wants to give up but he is refusing to tap out to that camel clutch with the chain in his mouth. Crane backs Stein into the turnbuckles, and then gives him a running knee in the stomach.
Alexander Von Blankenship releases the camel clutch, and then pulls Marty to his feet. He rakes Donovan’s head from side to side, across the steel mesh, shredding Donovan’s forehead
Phillip Blauer: AVB using the cage as a cheese grater. Marty was the only one not bleeding, I guess he didn’t want his former boss to feel left out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane backs up and charges in with another knee, but Stein moves out of the way, and The High Roller crashes into the turnbuckles knee first!
The fans come to life as Dan Stein furiously stomps Crane until he’s lying in the corner. He steps on Wesley’s throat, and uses the ropes for balance while he chokes him. The crowd chants “DAN! DAN! DAN!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein grabs Alexander Von Blankenship from behind with a rear waistlock, and drops him with a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship rolls his shoulder up!
The Dublin fans start singing
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green!
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein wraps that chain around his fist and pummels Wesley Crane in the corner, making him an even more bloody mess!
Marty Donovan is trying to climb to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. Alexander Von Blankenship climbs up behind him, getting on the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan and AVB now standing on the top turnbuckle, and Marty Donovan pops him in the face with a right hand. Von Blankenship fires back with a chop to his chest.
Alexander Von Blankenship holds on to the top of the cage and blasts him with another reverse knife edge chop.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan ducks another chop, and smashes Von Blankenship’s head onto the top of the cage!!
A dazed AVB tries to wander off, and crotches himself on the top rope! The fans celebrate his painful condition
Phillip Blauer: That could affect the bloodline.
AVB’s eyes cross as he dangles on the top rope while Hasbulla whistles repeatedly in protest. A busted open Marty Donovan somersaults off the top rope, and that causes the chain to yank Von Blankenship down with Marty
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein lifts Crane up in a suplex and leaves him up there!
The Dublin crowd is on their feet as Stein lets all the blood rush to Wesley Crane’s head and then drops him in a jumping vertical suplex. A blood drenched Crane sits up from the impact. Marty Donovan grabs AVB in a front facelock and climbs to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan jumps off with a tornado DDT, but Von Blankenship reverses it into a spinebuster!
The 3Arena boos as Alexander Von Blankenship wraps the chain around Dan Stein’s neck, ties up their legs and then snaps back into a russian leg sweep
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein holds the back of his head, while Alexander untangles all the chains around them both. AVB grabs Marty Donovan and snap suplexes him to the mat.
Wesley Crane crawls over to Dan Stein and starts forcing some of the chain links into his mouth as the jeers get louder
Phillip Blauer: Wes’ biggest complaint during their partnership was Dan didn’t eat enough iron.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardy, har, har. Wesley Crane now closing Stein’s mouth and punching him over and over.
Alexander Von Blankenship wraps the chain around his fist and steps up to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB jumps off the second rope with a chain fistdrop that catches Marty right between the eyes!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane wraps the chain around Dan Stein’s neck and applies a dragon sleeper. He sits low, nearly bending The Punisher in half, while using that chain to strangle his ex-partner!
Alexander Von Blankenship takes a free shot and gives Dan Stein another stiff slap getting a big “OH!” from the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like a coward, AVB waiting until Dan Stein is helpless to slap him in the face.
Phillip Blauer: Sure, have you seen him? His chest hair has chest hair.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship scoops Marty up and fallaway slams Donovan into the cage wall!!
The crowd lets out another “OH!” as Marty Donovan slides down the chain link fence. On the outside, a jubilant Hasbulla jumps up and down, blasting his whistle. Inside the cage, Kelly O’Connell asks Dan Stein if he wants to give up to the dragon sleeper Wesley Crane has applied, but Stein stops answering
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell tests Dan Stein’s arm, but he keeps it up! Dan Stein begins to try to power out of the dragon sleeper, but Von Blankenship comes over and stomps him.
Alexander Von Blankenship turns around into a springboard front missile dropkick from Disney Marty Donovan that pops the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein muscles his way out of the inverted facelock and gets to his feet! He grabs Wesley by the chain and swings him in the air, facefirst into the cage!! Look at the power!
The Dubin fans are shocked at the display of strength and chant “DAN!! DAN!! DAN!!” He catches an incoming AVB with a discus clothesline
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein scoops Wesley Crane up and walks over the corner. Dan races to the center of the ring with a running powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship stomps the back of his head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan charges AVB, but Alexander ducks and Marty floats over into a sunset flip!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out but Marty converts it into an anklelock!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tinto’s Trap! He stands over Alexander Von Blankenship twisting his foot.
Dan Stein fireman’s carries Crane up on his shoulders and sits him on the top turnbuckle. He wraps Crane’s legs around the rope and then climbs to the second turnbuckle. Alexander Von Blankenship bleeds all over the mat as he tries to crawl to the ropes while Donovan cranks that anklelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan wraps his legs around AVB’s leg and drops down to the mat with the Tinto’s Trap! Marty trying to win another dog collar match like he did at Kilroy Evans Presents Irish Rage in Belfast 2009, when he successfully defended his Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship against Aaron Rupp. Athis first Irish Rage in Belfast 2006, he regained the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight title from “Platinum” Pat Bozzini in a barbed wire match. Next year, at Irish Rage in Belfast 2007, he and Dougie Ray Bullet were having a ladder match for the Hardkore Nippon Junior Heavyweight title when Jagi Shiro inserted himself and got the belt himself.
Phillip Blauer: And we just allowed that to happen??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Those were wild times. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2008, Marty defeated “Lonewolf” Daniel Gafet. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2012, Marty Donovan lost his Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship to Bruno in a ladder match.
Dan Stein drops down, but hangs onto the chain, pulling Wesley downwards by the head and neck while Crane’s legs are still wrapped around the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein bending Wesley Crane in half, using the dog collar as a guillotine! Marty Donovan rolls on the mat in that Tinto’s Trap ankle lock, while a blood pink stained haired AVB tries to hang on!
Alexander Von Blankenship rolls over and kicks Marty with his free leg, and escapes the ankle lock. He staggers to his feet and uses the chain to pull Marty into a superkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
He hops onto the middle of the second rope and hits a springboard leg drop to the suspended Dan Stein!!
The 3Arena rocks with boos and the fans chant “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” Wesley Crane stands up on the top turnbuckle with the chain wrapped around his elbow
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane comes off the top with a flying elbow using that chain on Dan Stein!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship pulls Marty’s head into his legs, and flips Donovan up on his shoulder, and then drops him on his head with a Desecrated barry white driver!!
Wesley Crane wraps the chain around Dan Stein’s neck and then grabs him around the head, kicking his legs out into an RKO
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane uses that chain to help with his HRKO!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship wraps the chain around his fist and climbs up on the second turnbuckle. He aims his fist, but Marty yanks on the chain and AVB loses his balance and falls to the mat!
The crowd cheers wildly and they both lie next to one another, exhausted. Dan Stein climbs back up to his feet. Wesley Crane looks to nail him with a spear
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane comes 100 miles per hour with that spear but Dan Stein catches him with an edgecution lifting DDT!
“The Punisher” Dan Stein stands up like a shot and looks around the 3Arena with wild eyes and blood running down to his chest. The fans are deafening as they call for Stein to dish out some pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein throws Wesley Crane over the top rope into the cage!!
The Dublin audience lets out a collective “OH!!” at the sound of Crane’s skull hitting the chain link fence. A crimson masked Marty Donovan slowly gets to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein now hanging Crane over the top rope with the chain, sticking his knee in his back!
The crowd erupts as Wesley’s eyes bug out of his skull, and his face is a bloody mess. AVB gets to his feet, and Marty hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan goes for the Dis-Knee but AVB throws a fist full of white powder in his face, blinding him!
Donovan staggers around in darkness, and walks right into the human torture rack. Dan Stein has his back turned while hanging Wesley Crane with the dog collar. Alexander Von Blankenship drops Donovan on his head in a burning hammer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Omnipotence!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“Blessed Up” by Wande plays and the fans groan. Dan Stein hears the bell and drops Crane, thinking they won. Referees Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson, Tommy Milligan, and Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. rush into the cage to detach the participants from their dog collars
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 30 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE ANOINTED!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan looked like he was about to put AVB away before Von Blankenship threw whatever that was in his eyes.
Alexander Von Blankenship and Wesley Crane look hand dipped in blood as Kelly O’Connell hands them their Hardkore World Tag Team title belts.
Phillip Blauer: My monitor must have blinked out, I’m gonna have to put a ticket in for Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. to check it out
Dan Stein charges after them as they escape through the cage door, but is cut off by the ropes. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of a white baggie on the ring apron that says “White House stuff”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is that what AVB threw at Marty??
Phillip Blauer: If so, that would be a fortune. We should be honored he thinks to waste that much good blow on a match in Ireland for Pete’s sake.
Dan Stein and Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. check on Marty, who is sitting up and slowly getting his vision back. A heavily bandaged Steve Awesome meets Alexander Von Blankenship and Wesley Crane and an obnoxiously whistling Hasbulla at the top of the ramp, and celebrates with the new Hardkore World Tag Team Champions
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a horrible way to keep the Hardkore World Tag Team titles within The Anointed. If a cage and dog collars weren’t enough, we had to try and blind a man too?
Phillip Blauer: Don’t expect any quarter from the wolf pack once you turn your back on it. There was never a doubt in my mind.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They may have won this battle, but there is enough between these four men that you can be sure that won’t be the last title match between them.
Open on Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. taking down the ring while Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. tries fruitlessly to mop up the blood on the canvas. The crowd starts singing
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a dog collar cage match that was, but now we have our main event! This goes back to February, when Cross Recoba took umbrage with The Sooner Squeeze Challenge that Kalmin Watts had been doing for months for charity. He had his lawyers issue an injunction to Anthony Jordan at a house show in Oakland to prevent The Sooner Squeeze Challenge.
Phillip Blauer: Thank goodness. All that good he was doing for those less fortunate was not worth the infringement on intellectual property.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That lead to their match where Cross tricked referee Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson into disqualifying Kalmin in Portland, Oregon, but if that hadn’t happened it looked as though things were going Kalmin’s way.
Phillip Blauer: And if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle. Cross Recoba was merely playing mind games with the big meathead out of boredom. Observations like that are why I would make an amazing B squad announcer for Tap Out, the top wrestling territory on the West Coast!
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. The 3Arena cheers as Kalmin Watts walks out from behind the curtain with Anthony Jordan in tow
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans recently saw Kalmin Watts lose the Wrestle: UK British Television Championship to “The High Roller” Wesley Crane last month in London at Royal Albert Hall.
Phillip Blauer: In Jolly Old England!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jesus, I’m talking, Phil! God. Crane had to use the title belt to win, but Watts can’t worry about that now. He’s got a big opportunity ahead of him here tonight against Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba. He’s proud of getting this shot and wants to make the most of it.
Kalmin Watts jogs down to the ring. The Dublin fans reach out to touch him as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and Anthony Jordan struggle to hold them back
Phillip Blauer: Hold the perimeter, Larry!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has had some bumps along the road as of late, both here in the UK and back in the West Coast. But this is his first year in the business and he has learned from each experience with the help of his manager, Anthony Jordan.
Phillip Blauer: You mean the shyster with his hand in Watts’ pocket? What’s that freeloader going to tell him? That he’s gonna have to pick up the check again tonight at supper?
Kalmin Watts slaps as many fans hands as he can, but the people are craning forward, desperate to make contact with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts feels at home at Hardkore World, and the people here in Dublin and on the West Coast have accepted him as one of their own. He says the belt needs to be on someone who loves Hardkore World as opposed to someone like Cross Recoba.
Phillip Blauer: Cross has sampled these people’s wares and is not a fan. One can hardly blame him.
Kalmin Watts gets to ringside and looks at the ring for a moment, taking in the gravity of the moment. Anthony Jordan pats his shoulder and gives him some encouragement
Yolanda Ando: Kalmin Watts is wearing an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Kalmin doesn’t believe Cross will even try to put the Garibaldi’s Guillotine on him here tonight in Dublin.
Phillip Blauer: Reverse psychology? That’ll never work.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we saw, Kalmin has been training hard in the gym for this match, letting the locals watch his work outs. We’ll see if it all pays off with his first World Championship victory.
Kalmin Watts steps through the ropes and jogs in place while Anthony Jordan loosens him up in the corner. The crowd starts singing again
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect interrupts their singing as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. The Dublin fans boo as out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The High Caliber Wrestling Diamond title is draped over his shoulder and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship is strapped around his waist. The crowd responds with a shower of boos
Phillip Blauer: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion makes his grand entrance at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!
Guillermo O’Bannon: This will be his first pay-per-view as champion, and he intends on walking out of here with that belt tonight.
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba comes in here with the confidence of a man who has defeated Kalmin Watts, albeit by hinky disqualification, before. He says that the spotlight will wilt Watts as it has before in England.
Cross holds up the cane and gets nearly blown back by the vitriol from the Irish fans. He sneers and begins down the ramp still holding the cane aloft. He passes middle fingers and signs that says “Fuck Cross!” and “I Came To See Cross Get Stretched”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba claims that despite Kalmin Cross being stronger and more powerful, he lacks the intellectual acumen that it takes to be a World Champion like he is.
Phillip Blauer: That’s great advice. Like those people on Shark Tank you sometimes have to say, “You can already get dog treats at the store, and it doesn’t take a subscription and an app to do it.” Sometimes you just have to tell people they have a bad idea.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck, then he sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron
Phillip Blauer: Like on most subjects, Cross and I agree when it comes to that parasite, Tony Jordan. He adds nothing to the package other than he keeps away rats with that Ben Gay knee smell.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Would you stop? Recoba says he will be able to out work and out maneuver the former Wrestle: UK British TV Champion and that the rookie is out of his depth here in a pay per view title shot.
With a wipe of his feet, Recoba slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder. Carl Valentine Jr. rings the bell and the lights drop, and a spotlight hits ring announcer Greg Jin in the center of the ring
Greg Jin: “The following match is the Main Event of Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!”
The Dublin fans give him a big ovation
Greg Jin: “It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is for the HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager, ‘The Role Model’ Anthony Jordan; He is from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is The Master of The Sooner Squeeze…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The 3Arena roars as Kalmin Watts raises his arms
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, hailing from Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall, Weighing in at 230 pounds; The Box Office Smash of the XHF Network, He is The CEO of Tap Out Wrestling and The HCW Diamond Champion. The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The boos rain down as Cross gives them another mocking bow and then hands his two championship belts to Tommy Milligan. Milligan holds up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Milligan signals for the bell and the fans cheer as Kalmin Watts and Cross Recoba circle one another nervously. The crowd starts clapping and singing
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross and Kalmin lock up, and Watts immediately gets the advantage and turns it into a wristlock. Both men jockeying for position.
Cross Recoba’s knees begin buckling as Kalmin Watts pushes him. The fans cheer as Watts exerts as much pressure as he can until Recoba is nearly at a full bridge
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba tries to straighten back up, and eventually gets to a vertical base, and abandons the wristlock for a headlock.
The fans boo Cross being in control while he hangs on for dear life from a bucking Kalmin Watts. Recoba sneaks in a little punch to Watts’ face, then reapplies the headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba takes him over into a side headlock takedown. He locks his hands together and clamps down on the head and neck of Watts.
Anthony Jordan yells instructions over to Kalmin who looks for an escape. Cross presses Watts’ shoulders to the mat.
…ONE!
…Kalmin Watts rolls Cross Recoba into a cradle!
…ONE!
…Cross Recoba rolls back into the headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba continuing to grind that headlock while keeping the big man on the mat.
Kalmin Watts works his way to his feet while Cross hangs on to the headlock. Watts slips his head out and grabs a hammerlock on Recoba
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts now with the chicken wing on Cross’ arm. He cinches up on the wrist, trying to hyperextend Recoba’s elbow.
Watts grabs Recoba in a rear waistlock, and then performs a go behind takedown. Watts presses Recoba forward, while gets his positioning with his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin keeps Recoba down with his amateur wrestling skills. Recoba works his way into a sitting position while Watts hangs onto that rear waistlock.
Cross Recoba gets to his feet while Watts still has a good grip on him in the waistlock. Recoba gets his arms in between Kalmin’s arms and peels his arm away enough to grab Watts’ wrist and twist his arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gives Watts’ arm another twist, and then drops down into a fujiwara armbar.
Recoba puts pressure on the back of Watts’ elbow, while pulling up on Kalmin’s forehead. The fans start singing Kalmin Watts’ name to the tune of Seven Nation Army
“KALMIN…
WA-TTS!!!
KALMIN…
WA-TTS!!!
KALMIN…
WA-TTS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba cranks up on Kalmin Watts’ arm some more, grinding his shoulder with his body weight. He turns it into a hammerlock.
Cross pulls up on Kalmin Watts’ wrist. Tommy Milligan checks in but Kalmin shakes his head, and then works his way into a sitting position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts reaches up and takes him over into a snapmare. He pulls Recoba’s arms back into a surfboard.
Cross Recoba cries out in pain as Watts yanks back on his arms with his knees in the small of his back. He slowly fights his way back to a vertical base while Watts holds on to both of his hands
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba takes him over into an arm drag! Another one takes Watts to the mat, and then the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion grabs an armbar.
The Dublin fans boo. Recoba sticks his knee into Watts’ shoulder and clamps down on his arm. Anthony Jordan shouts out instructions to Kalmin from ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts now on his feet while Cross continues to apply that armbar. Recoba twists that arm, putting Watts down to one knee.
Anthony Jordan slaps the apron over and over and the audience starts to chant “KALMIN! KALMIN! KALMIN!” Watts starts to feed off the energy, and pumps his fist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts plants his feet and uses his armbarred arm to hip toss Cross Recoba across the ring!
The 3Arena erupts in cheers! Cross sits in the corner and signals for Kalmin Watts to slow down. The fans start to sing
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green!
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs Cross Recoba and shoots him into the ropes. He backdrops Cross Recoba nearly into the lights!
The crowd lets out an ear splitting pop! Cross Recoba lands hard on the mat, and signals for a time out. Tommy Milligan pleads with him that he isn’t authorized to give him one
Phillip Blauer: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion should be able to demand a time out when he needs one. When is the next competition committee vote?
Kalmin Watts moves in and Cross Recoba rolls out of the ring. The cheers turn to jeers as Cross Recoba shakes some feeling into his arm while he walks around ringside. The fans chant “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” Cross walks over to a particularly unruly fan and challenges him to cross the guardrail.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on. What does this prove?
Phillip Blauer: It proves that our World Champion would absolutely dog walk that ruddy gentleman.
Cross Recoba begs the red haired fan to step over the railing and give him permission to assault him. Anthony Jordan finally walks over and grabs Cross Recoba by the shoulder to stop him from hitting the guy. Cross Recoba whips around and glares at Anthony. The audience boos louder
Phillip Blauer: Tony Bologna probably made a mistake there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba walking towards Anthony Jordan!
Kalmin Watts is now at ringside and walks up behind Anthony Jordan. Cross Recoba stops in his tracks as Jordan ducks behind Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops him up and bodyslams Recoba on the concrete!
The audience cheers as Cross Recoba arches his back in pain! Kalmin Watts pulls Recoba up by the hair and rolls him back into the ring. He slides into the ring after him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba is waiting for Watts as gets back into the ring. He moves in, but Kalmin catches him with an arm drag into an armbar.
Watts uses that power to wrench up on Cross Recoba’s trapped arm, trying to pull it out of it’s socket. Cross rolls to his feet with Kalmin maintaining the armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross reaches between Watts’ legs and lifts him up into a bodyslam to escape the armbar. Kalmin gets up right into a knife edge chop.
The audience jeers as Recoba whacks Watts in the chest again with another stiff chop. Kalmin Watts returns fire with a pectoral chop of his own
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts hits Cross with another hard chop you can hear through the 3Arena! Recoba answers with a hard right hand to the jaw! He hooks Watts up and nearly snap suplexes him out of his boots!
Cross Recoba applies an abdominal stretch and then grabs a facelock, turning it into a cobra twist. He locks his hands together, pulling sideways on Kalmin Watts’ head, tweaking his neck the wrong way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan asking Kalmin Watts if he wants to submit to the cobra twist but he refuses to give up. He slips his head out, and hip tosses his way out of the submission maneuver!
Cross runs right into a bodyslam turned into a rib breaker. He shows his strength by lifting Watts back up and hitting him with another rib breaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts lifts him for a third time and drops his ribs onto his knee. He lifts him up for a fourth time and drops his stomach across his knee for a gutbuster!
Cross Recoba holds his stomach and rolls around the mat. Watts pulls him up and butterflies his arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts double arm suplexes Cross Recoba across the ring!
The 3Arena pops at the height Cross Recoba gets across the ring. When Cross tries to get up, he tries to reason with a seething Kalmin Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs Cross Recoba in a bearhug! He clasps those hands together on the small of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion’s back, and squeezes for dear life!
Cross screams in pain as the crowd is jubilant! Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside of the ring. Watts grips his hands and constricts Recoba’s breathing. Tommy Milligan asks Recoba if he wants to give up but he shakes his head. Cross’ head begins to list to the side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts softening up those ribs for possibly The Sooner Squeeze later on in the match.
Phillip Blauer: Tommy Milligan tests Cross’ arm, but the champion keeps it up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba drills Kalmin Watts in the face with a hard right, and a second one frees him from the bearhug. He kicks Watts in the stomach, and grabs him in a headlock. Recoba runs into the middle of the ring with a bulldog!
Recoba lifts him up into an inverted facelock, and then applies a dragon sleeper. He wraps his legs around Watts’ midsection and drops down to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba leans back on that dragon sleeper! He grips those hands together and peels back on Kalmin’s head and neck.
Watts grunts in pain while Cross reclines backwards with the inverted facelock with clamping down on the body scissors. The Dublin fans start singing
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Recoba glares at the audience, slightly selling the effect of their song. Kalmin fights his way to his feet with Cross Recoba hanging onto the dragon sleeper
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba drops down into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba rocks Watts with a european uppercut. Another one rocks the jawline of Kalmin Watts.
Phillip Blauer: Cross Recoba seizing the moment so far here tonight.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He cracks Watts with an elbow smash. Watts ducks a second one and belly to back suplexes the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion!
The crowd comes alive as Kalmin Watts recovers on the mat. Watts gets to his feet and scoops Recoba up, dropping him into a shoulderbreaker. Recoba holds his shoulder and lies on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts applies an abdominal stretch. He plants his foot and cranks back on Recoba’s arm, bending him backwards and putting pressure on his midsection.
Cross Recoba shakes his head, refusing to give up. Watts uses his superior size for extra leverage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross uses his free arm to rake his fingernails across Watts’ eyes. He hip tosses his way out of the abdominal stretch. He applies an octopus stretch!
The Dublin fans boo. Recoba pushes Watts head down with his leg, while tearing back on his trapped arm. Anthony Jordan pleads with Kalmin to hang on along with the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba converts it into a straightjacket suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba kneelifts Watts in the midsection, and then catches him with a flying headscissors into a la carretera cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Cross Recoba steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba springboards into a crossbody but Kalmin Watts catches him with a full powerslam!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
The impact bounces Kalmin Watts back up as the crowd roars! Watts flexes his muscles for the 3Arena. He picks Cross up by the hair, and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts blasts him with a big chop that knocks the champ to the mat! He grabs Recoba in a gut wrench suplex.
Kalmin irish whips him but Cross reverses it and shoots Watts into the corner. Recoba follows him in with a back elbow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba rocks Kalmin Watts in the corner with one forearm uppercut after another. Watts drops to the mat, and Cross continues to hammer him with elbow shots to the temple.
The Dublin fans boo as Cross cracks a sitting Watts with elbows. He backs up into the opposite corner on the other side of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba comes in with a cannonball but Watts moves out of the way!
The audience cheers! Cross holds his back as Kalmin Watts gets to his senses. He grabs an on the mat wristlock on Recoba
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts pushes down on Recoba’s forearm while torquing up on the champion’s elbow. He converts it into a hammerlock. Recoba gets back to his feet while Cross has his arm chicken winged. Kalmin hammerlock suplexes Cross onto his own arm!!
The ovation is loud as Recoba clutches his arm and kicks his toes into the mat. Watts picks him up into a suplex but just hangs him up there
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts has Cross up in that suplex, letting all the blood rush to his head!
Kalmin Watts puts his finger in the air with his free hand, and the crowd gets more raucous
Phillip Blauer: That’s quite enough.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At long last, Kalmin Watts drops Cross in that suplex!
The impact sits Cross Recoba up, and then back down to the mat. The fans start singing
“If you hate Cross, Stand UP!
If you hate Cross, Stand UP!
If you hate Cross, Stand UP!
If you hate Cross, Stand UP!
If you hate Cross, Stand UP!
If you hate Cross, Stand UP!”
Everyone in the 3Arena is standing up as Kalmin Watts sets him up for another suplex, but Cross blocks it. Recoba counters with an exploder ‘98 that lands Watts on his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lansky Ballroom Love Letter!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba sits on his back with a camel clutch! He sits on Watts’ back with those fingers laced underneath Kalmin’s chin.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
The Dublin fans chant “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” Recoba rocks back with Watts’s head in his hands. Anthony Jordan shouts out words of encouragement to Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba releases the camel clutch and just starts pummeling Kalmin Watts on the mat!
Cross belts Watts over and over while crouching over him. Recoba shakes his hand from hitting him so hard
Phillip Blauer: Kalmin Watts’ big advantage over everyone is his thick skull.
Cross Recoba waits for Watts to get to his feet. He gets underneath Watts with a saito suplex, but Watts slips off his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Cross up and fallaway slams him across the ring! Wow, he really got some distance on that one!
Cross Recoba lies against the ropes as the fans roar! Kalmin Watts pumps his arms, getting the crowd to cheer louder. Recoba pulls himself up by the ropes and turns around into a stomach claw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts has Recoba’s abs twisted in that stomach claw, and then picks his legs up into a spinebuster!
Kalmin Watts gets on top of Recoba’s back and wraps his legs around his waist. The fans pop and Recoba quickly crawls to the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts almost had the champ in The Sooner Squeeze!
Phillip Blauer: Ah yes, but Cross brilliantly got to the ropes to nullify it. That’s using the old grape.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts stands in a three point stance. Cross staggers up to his feet and Watts tackles him!
The impact bounces Kalmin Watts up to his feet and he looks around to the crowd as they cheer wildly at him. Anthony Jordan pounds on the apron in celebration. Watts pulls Cross up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba ducks an Oklahoma Hammer grabs a sleeper, then dumps Watts on the head with The Network Special sleeper suplex!!
Cross and Kalmin both take a moment to gather their senses as the crowd boos. Anthony Jordan is crouched at ringside, crestfallen. Recoba gets up and walks over to Watts. He lifts Kalmin’s legs, steps through and applies a scorpion style ankle lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Lupara Bianca!! Recoba sits down on Kalmin’s back with his knee on the back of his head.
Kalmin Watts screams in pain as Recoba bends him in half. He pulls back on his legs, while twisting Kalmin’s foot and ankle. The 3Arena rocks with boos as fans and Anthony Jordan plead with Watts to hang on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Millgan asks Watts if he wants to tap out to The Lupara Bianca but he’s getting no answer. Kalmin’s fist balls up, as he tries not to give up. Watts puts his hand down and tries to do a push up to somehow power out of The Lupara Bianca!
Watts pushes off of the mat and his powerful trunk-like legs unfurl and he breaks out of The Lupara Bianca. The audience lets out a mighty roar, as Kalmin Watts uses their energy to will himself to his feet
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts charges in with The Oklahoma Hammer but Cross Recoba catches him with a hotshot, dropping his throat on the ropes!
The air goes out of The 3Arena, as Cross Recoba hastily gets to his feet and pulls Kalmin’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts back drops his way out of Garibaldi’s Guillotine! He pulls Recoba’s head into his legs and drills his skull into the mat with a piledriver!!
The crowd counts along
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“Twenties” by Ghost plays and the audience leaps to their feet! Kalmin Watts rolls off of Cross Recoba, completely drained
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t believe it! Kalmin Watts has upset the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba here at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!!!
Greg Jin: “At 25 minutes, 48 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
Phillip Blauer: No! Wait, no. This can’t be! Tony Jordan must have had Cross’ feet hooked or something!
Anthony Jordan runs into the ring with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship belt and hands it to an almost confused Kalmin Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts can’t believe his eyes as he looks at the Hardkore World championship belt that he just won after a 25 minute classic.
Watts presses his face into the belt, his shoulders heaving from crying. Anthony Jordan grips Watts’ shoulder with pride. Cross Recoba rolls out of the ring and holding the top of his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: In his first year in the business, he wins a World Championship that goes back to 1989!
Kalmin Watts goes to the corner and holds up his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship as he soaks in the love of the Dublin crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans cheered him on in Wrestle: UK, and now they got to see him win his first World Championship here in Hardkore World!
Cross Recoba passes by the announce table as he nurses a bad neck and aching head
Phillip Blauer: (to Cross) I guess we’ll talk later about my tape?
Cross either doesn’t hear Phil or ignores him as he walks to the back
Phillip Blauer: Bad time? No, totally get it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba will get a rematch for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in a submission match with the new champion Kalmin Watts at XHF Night of Champions at the Central Savings Bank in New York City.
Kalmin Watts goes through the ropes out onto the floor and starts celebrating with the ringside fans. He tries to hug each and every person who comes up to him as he holds the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Surely a champion to be proud of! Our next show is back in the US, with our return to the Rocky Mountains, Denver, Colorado! We’ll see you there, fans and thank you for joining us for Irish Rage in Belfast 2023!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans, and welcome to Irish Rage in Belfast, a show we started in 1992 if you can believe it! Hello, I’m Guillermo O’Bannon, and sitting to my left is the incomparable, Phil Blauer. Phil, how are you this evening?
Scarecrow Phillip Blauer: …
Guillermo O’Bannon: (laughs) Thanks, partner! I too am ready for tonight’s action, which I’ve been looking forward to for weeks!
Scarecrow Phillip Blauer: …
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why thank you! I have been working on my high energy intros!
Scarecrow Phillip Blauer: …
Guillermo O’Bannon: A little. I cut out soda, and I’ve been walking a couple miles a day.
Yolanda Ando: Guillermo? You’re scaring me.
Scarecrow Phillip Blauer: …
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re right, buddy. It is time to show people the history and the highlights of a show that goes back nearly 30 years!
Cut to a video package
“Devil’s Dance Floor” by Flogging Molly plays and it starts with Irish Rage in Belfast 92 when Shamrock made “Nature Boy” Dutch Danger tap out to his Pot O’ Gold scorpion leglock to win the Hardkore World TV title in the main event. Then at Irish Rage in Belfast 94, when Da Bomb shocked everyone by getting Big Brute ACE up for a powerbomb and winning the Hardkore West Coast Championship and Ms. Alexandria Macabre submitted to Velvet’s Velvet Rope to lose her Hardkore Women’s Championship. Irish Rage in Belfast 98, has Julius Hudson Jr.’s Team Supreme defeating The Badd B Boys for the Hardkore World Tag Team titles. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2005’s Double Hell Match, Kilroy Evans spinning ocean cyclone suplexes Death Gojira off his shoulders into the C4 explosive triggered platform. Cobryn shaves Cyrus “The F’n” Vyrus” Williams’ head after a hair vs. hair match. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2006, where after a brutal stretcher match with Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Syberus, Soutter is taken out on a reinforced gurney. Hardkore World Women’s Champion Yuku Shiro tossing Tamara Sanchez by the hair into the back of an ambulance rig to win her ambulance match. Irish Rage in Belfast 2007, with the exploding barbed wire match where Kilroy Evans speared Poke the Clown into the barbed wire, setting off the C4 and then catching Poke with The Bad Touch on the way out. The WarGames match between The Order and Judge Death’s Court, where “Knife Edge” Takeda Yokosuda bludgeoned The Shootfighter bloody with his own stainless steel singapore cane. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2008, Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Andrew Karnage runs up a ramped ladder to hit Syberus who is standing on another ladder with a Nightmare Lariat. Then in a four corner weapons match, Raoh Shiro executes a superplex as Ken Shiro dives off the top turnbuckle with a frog splash, timing the landing as Dougie Ray Bullet hits the table with “Big” Stan Wilson under the table. Raoh Shiro slowly fights to his feet, drenched in blood with wooden shrapnel stuck into his right arm and upper chest. It fades to Kilroy Evans Presents Irish Rage 2009, where Matthew X lights his glove on fire and gives Adrian Tanner Jr. a flaming thumper heart punch. Then Aaron Rupp wraps a dog collar chain around Marty Donovan's throat and drops back into an orton backbreaker. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2012, Marty Donovan springboards up onto the top rope and blasts the side of the ladder with a Japanese style dropkick that knocks the ladder off balance and sends Bruno crashing over the top rope and down onto the pile of Marty’s lackeys. Andrew Karnage picks up the barbed wire oar and charges with it, driving it into Syberus' ribs. He arcs it back and brings it around across the side of Syberus's head. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, Kilroy Evans flips Eron Hunter up into a powerbomb and Tuxedo Mask flips off the top turnbuckle with a somersault neckbreaker. Malcolm Xavier Graves throws a fireball in “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar’s face, catching his ponytail on fire.
Fade back to Guillermo and Scarecrow Phil Blauer, with the crowd still roaring, singing and banging drums
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a look back at some wild moments we’ve had at Irish Rage in Belfast, but for the first time, we are making history and doing this year’s show in Dublin. Where we hope to make new memories…
You can see Phil Blauer’s torso moving behind him as he barges into the announce position
Phillip Blauer: Can you believe this? I’m late! Did you know they drive on the wrong side of the road here? Anyway, that’s what the guy on the hood of my car kept yelling at me. And boy did I give him a…who is this?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s…it’s Scarecrow Phil.
Phillip Blauer: I know god damn well, it’s Scarecrow Phil. I’m the one who finds the finest hay in the land to stuff him with. I am the one who double stuffs the crotch so no one can tell the difference. I’m asking why he’s in my chair right now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well…he was here for the pre-show and the dark matches, and it was going so well, and I made a funny joke during the Joey Little Horse vs. Scorpion match, and he didn’t shut me down like you always do and I just hoped…
Phillip Blauer: Hey, hey, hey. This is no place for frivolities. This isn’t The Chuckle Hut. It’s Hardkore World. You know, you are a sad, sad little man.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Those were actually my mother’s dying words.
Phil knocks Scarecrow Phil out of his chair and sits down
Guillermo O’Bannon: You don’t have to hit him like that…
Phil starts setting up his fondue kit while the Dublin crowd continues to roar, sing soccer songs, bang drums, and boo Phil. They start singing
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Phillip Blauer: I can’t hear you, Guantanamo, but I think you said “How have these people come to love you so much?” And I agree, the affection they have for me is undeniable. I don’t know what language it is they speak out here, but it is so charming. As a US ambassador, you have to just smile and nod as they blather on. I frequently get a peace sign, although they do it with the back of their hand out here. (sees some fans rudely gesturing to him) Yes! Peace to you as well! And whatever that tongue thing is. Boy, are these guys gonna go nuts over all the irish whips tonight or what? That’s their thing you know?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (rolls his eyes) Anyway fans, we have a huge show here tonight. The big rematch between Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba and Kalmin Watts. They wrestled before in Portland this past March. With Cross Recoba getting the win by disqualification when Kalmin Watts got disqualified for a chair that Recoba was actually using. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson saw the chair near Watts and disqualified the wrong man.
Phillip Blauer: Hey look, if you’re not going to be able to overcome bad officiating, don’t show up if Richie’s booked for your match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Can’t Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson just get better?
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think that’s in the cards, chum.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then after Cross defeated Little Dragon in Sacramento, Kalmin interrupted his celebration to remind him that he has the next title match. In San Jose, they had another challenge, but this time it was who could make more people tap out to their respective finishers. But it appeared that Kalmin Watts and Moondog Dook had a bit of an agreement and giving him a suspicious win.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t live your life with suspicion it eats away at you, like a cancer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What about your thing with Tommy Milligan?
Phillip Blauer: What? Where I think he doesn’t really have a fishing boat?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He does have a boat, it’s all he talks about.
Phillip Blauer: Then why have I never been invited?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Because he doesn’t like you.
Phillip Blauer: See? That makes no sense. I’m very good looking and I have a lot more money than him. I might accidentally drop it on his dirty old fishing boat. Believe me, if he actually had a boat, I’d be his first mate.
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
The audience is deafening, especially the ringsiders, drowning out the announcers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, tonight Recoba and Watts cross paths again, this time for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. But we’re set to get started already, we can’t hear ourselves think!
The lights in the 3Arena dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The Dublin crowd gets louder for the first televised match of the night. The lyrics begin appearing on the screen, and then the Dublin audience starts singing along to them, getting louder with each line
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!!
Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie before making his way to the ring
Phillip Blauer: Joe getting chummy with Jackie could be relationship that pays dividends.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody has scored wins over Moondog Dook in Sacramento and former Hardkore America Tag Team Champion Leo Van Dam in San Jose. Now in the opening match of Irish Rage in Dublin 2023. He says he wants to set the tone for tonight’s action with an opponent he really respects from his time in Ascension Wrestling Federation.
Phillip Blauer: He needs to report that plumber to the Better Business Bureau, or at the very least let me do an sweeps piece on contractors who do dances on your time. “Plumbers’ Promenade?”
Guillermo shakes his head
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, I’m not married to the title.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Let’s toss now to Hardkore Fashion Reporter Yolanda Ando.
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda.
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of the fan who holds up a sign that says “I’d Fancy A Fedora, Joe!” Joe Nobody arrives at the ring steps and takes two steps before he stops suddenly.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, he forgot something. I’d forget my head if it wasn’t attached.
Joe Nobody turns and walks down the ring steps to the front row. He finds a young Irish boy who panics at being this close to Joe Nobody
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody taking a moment to make that young kid’s day.
Nobody takes his signature fedora off and puts it on the pre-teen. His Dad films the boy on his phone while the surrounding fans cheer wildly. The rest of the ringsiders all take the opportunity to pat Joe Nobody on the shoulders, arms and back
Phillip Blauer: Come on, are you buying this malarkey? He’s obviously got a sweet fedora hook up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe says that he is ready to take Little Dragon to the limit tonight, to steal the show.
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together.
Greg Jin: “Hello Ladies and Gentleman, and welcome to the first ever Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!!!”
The audience keeps a steady roar as Greg Jin nods proudly
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The Dublin crowd lets out a crazy pop while Joe Nobody claps
"Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator plays and 3Arena’s kids’ make their presence known as video plays of Little Dragon executing various moves in his matches Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. pushes his shot in on two children wearing Little Dragon masks.
Phillip Blauer: We gotta get this guy a cereal. But the question is? Marshmallows?
Little Dragon appears on the rampway with a cast on his arm. He is nearly blown back by the volume of the pop. He touches his heart
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon took it to the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba in Sacramento, but he wasn’t able to put him away. Tonight he gets Joe Nobody, who he knows well from the Ascension Wrestling Federation.
The fans chant “DRAGON!! DRAGON!! DRAGON!!” as Little Dragon storms ringside, slapping the ringside fans’ hands with his arm in a cast
Phillip Blauer: The Hardkore style takes its toll on the entire roster. Backstage resembles a triage most nights.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s unfortunately very true. Little Dragon and Joe Nobody never wrestled one another in AWF, they considered one another “The One That Got Away” as far as matchups go.
Little Dragon reaches the ring apron and slides under the ropes. Joe Nobody backs up as Dragon forward rolls to his feet in a dragon stance
Yolanda Ando: Little Dragon wears a green sleeveless full body surfer's suit, green ring boots, green MMA cobra gloves and a green mask that covers his face, nose and chin and his waist length dark hair flows freely from the top of his mask and his face and arms and body are covered with dragon tattoos and TAO symbols. He’s got a cast on his left arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is a dream come true for Little Dragon to wrestle at Irish Rage. He grew up watching this show. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2006, Little Dragon’s mother Dragonatrix, who was Hardkore Nippon Women’s Champion at the time, wrestled with Vampira with Jane Tyrra, EAW Women's Champion Shanna, Mo, and Jaclyn Frost in an elimination hell in a cell match that "Habanero" Amanda Kauffman won.
Phillip Blauer: Back then, ladies just went by first names. If that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: On that same show, The Shootfighter lost to “The Show Starter” Vincent Silvestri. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2005, his family friend, The Shootfighter successfully defended his Hardkore West Coast Championship over “Giant” Baba O’Reilly and Zack Daniels in a Belfast death match. Little Dragon also predicts a match of the year candidate. We’ll see if it translates into a win as well.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, Hailing from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet tall, Weighing 225 pounds; Dynamo Dragon…LITTLE DRAGON!!!”
The 3Arena continues to chant “DRAGON!! DRAGON!! DRAGON!!” as Little Dragon remains in his stance. He motions for Greg Jin to hand him the microphone
Little Dragon: "They say nobody is a nobody but I don't believe in that philosophy. You see everybody is a somebody including my opponent Joe Nobody."
The ringsiders cheer
Little Dragon: "We go back a few years in the AWF and I have quite a bit of respect for him. He's one of the best wrestlers Hardkore World has ever signed and I know you all shall appreciate his constant blue collar work ethic in the ring. Tonight shall be no different and it's going to be quite a match."
The ringsiders cheer louder and chant both Little Dragon's and Joe Nobody's name
Little Dragon: "Tonight you are going to see an epic of a match between two great athletes. Now I know that I still have a cast on my arm, but that's no excuse to back out of a match and I never back out of my matches. Professional wrestlers never do and they still wrestle injured no matter the outcome."
The ringsiders cheer louder
Little Dragon: "No matter if I win, lose or draw it doesn't matter to me. I'll still acknowledge Joe Nobody since it's what I believe in and that's respect my opponents. It's like I said before it's going to be a truly epic match up in the true way Hardkore World fans always expect and that's true action in the ring. So Joe Nobody let's do this."
The ringsiders continue to chant both Little Dragon's and Joe Nobody's name.
Little Dragon vs. Joe Nobody
The two fighters eye each other, both waiting for the bell to ring to get this match and Irish Rage in Dublin, underway.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson motions a hand to timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. who rings the bell. Both men are quick to come out from their corners, circling one another as they look for an opening.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leaning into his catch-as-catch-can credentials, Nobody looks as if he’ll engage but drops down to a knee to try and bait the second generation Hardkore World star. Shooting forward once more, the Michigan shooter aims for the leg but it’s a feint and instead, he picks up the leg of Little Dragon and takes him to the mat with a leg trip.
Still holding the leg, Nobody tries to spin around it but Little Dragon replies by using his free leg to sweep the Detroit wrestler to the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Flipping over with a leg hooked, Little Dragon attempts the pin.
…ONE!
…Bridging up whilst twisting, Joe manages to turn it into a backslide…
…ONE!
…Little Dragon kicks out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men get to their feet and it’s the Hong Kong wrestler who gets the quick march on his opponent, grabbing a quick standing wristlock.
But the advantage is only temporary as Joe manages to reach out and grab the hand, twisting the arm attached into a standing wristlock of his own
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Prince of Perfection works the hold, trying to bear his weight down onto the heavier wrestler. Dragon rolls forward and kips up before reversing the hold and taking Joe over with an arm drag into an armbar.
Joe, the technical wizard, quickly swings a leg over the bottom rope before Little Dragon can sink the armbar in
Guillermo O’Bannon: Immediately relinquishing the hold, Little Dragon gets to his feet and, in a grand gesture of sportsmanship, allows Nobody to get to a vertical base.
Phillip Blauer: That’s precious.
“Pee Wee” Richardson motions for the match to continue and this time they meet with a collar-and-elbow tie-up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Once more, Joe Nobody’s grasp enables him to use Dragon’s weight against him to dart around into a waistlock. He tries to take the two-time NPW Phoenix Champion to the mat with a waistlock takedown but the Dynamo Dragon firmly plants his feet.
Little Dragon pushes his arms down into the hold, trying to create some space. He drops to a seated position but Nobody picks him up in a wheelbarrow lift but Dragon comes back with a headlock takedown
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody spots that Dragon’s pressing the hold off the balls of his feet to get extra leverage. With perfect timing, Joe rolls the hold into a pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody keeps hold of the arm. He drives a knee into the shoulder socket of Little Dragon.
Still keeping wrist control, Nobody yanks Dragon to his feet and once more goes back to the wristlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Turning his back on Dragon, Nobody drives an elbow into his opponent’s elbow joint. And once more!
The Detroit wrestler twists the arm again but this time follows up with a stiff kick that echoes around the 3Arena.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody follows up with another hard kick to the arm! The Michigan mat master still keeps hold of the arm but traps the other arm too. He tucks his head under an arm, then flips him into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon bridges up and out of the pin!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon turns around and with a flash, he takes Nobody down with a dragon screw leg whip! Nobody scrambles to his feet but Dragon uses his in-ring experience he positions himself as his opponent rises and smacks him upside the head with a ghettoblaster enzuigiri!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Dragon’s boot hitting Nobody’s skull. Not letting up on the attack, Little Dragon uses the hair of Joe to drag him to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon irish whips Joe Nobody into the corner.
Phillip Blauer: I would have thought the Irish whip would have gotten a huge reaction out here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon follows him in with a monkey flip out of the corner! Rolling under the ropes, Dragon measures his man, then slingshots himself over the ropes into an elbow drop! Dragon He hooks the leg!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon keeps the pace up, lifting his opponent to his feet but he eats a european uppercut for his troubles, and Joe Nobody applies an octopus stretch!
The fans cheer as Little Dragon struggles to fight off Nobody as he sinks into the hold.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reaching for the ropes, the slight size advantage works in the Dragon’s favor as he makes headway towards safety.
Working furiously, Joe Nobody tries to hook the leg in place but Little Dragon continues to get closer to a rope break.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon reaches for the ropes but Joe Nobody rolls backwards into a crucifix pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody returns back to the arm and uses it to bring up Little Dragon in a full nelson. Nobody hits a release dragon suplex that sends Dragon rolling under the ropes to the apron!
Getting to his feet, Joe goes over to the ropes and grabs the head of Dragon. He rains down short elbows on the temple of his opponent
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody follows it up with a headbutt that drops Dragon to the floor.
Rolling out the ring, Nobody follows Little Dragon to the outside as Richie Richardson starts the count:
ONE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody helps Dragon back to his feet with a european uppercut as they summit. He lifts him atomic drop style and folds in the knee, then he runs the knee into the ringpost!!
TWO!
Setting his man down, Nobody still keeps the leg, trapping it under his arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody with a dragon screw leg whip into the steel steps!!
THREE!
The fans let out another “OH!” at the sound of the ring steps ringing through the 3Arena. Joe picks up Dragon once more, Nobody grabs his arm and sends him with an irish whip
FOUR!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon reverses it and shortarm release overhead belly to belly suplexes Nobody into the ring post!!
FIVE!
The audience has a dueling chant of “HOLY SHIT! LET’S GO DRAGON! HOLY SHIT! LET’S GO DRAGON!” Getting to his feet, Dragon rolls Nobody onto the mat and follows up to break the count.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon yanks Nobody to his feet and connects with a huge forearm! And another! Nobody is teetering and Dragon scoops him up. Emerald Flowsion onto the apron!!
The Dublin crowd chants “THAT WAS AWESOME! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*THAT WAS AWESOME! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*” Pushing his opponent under the ropes, Little Dragon raises an arm to the crowd.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon with a springboard shooting star press!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The mask hides most of his reaction but Little Dragon’s mouth aghast tells the whole story.
Phillip Blauer: I bet he’s a real uggo under that mask. Just a feeling I get.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It would mean so much for Little Dragon to get a win here. He’s watched this PPV as a boy all his life. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2007, his father Dragon Belt teamed with The Shootfighter, Psychotic Goth, and Tong Fairtex in a losing effort to The Order who was comprised of Ishan Goldenfire, "The Wolf" Tsai Jingkai, Hiroshima, Tarrasque in a wargames match. His family friends like The Shootfighter, lost to Noah Hanson at Irish Rage in Belfast 2008. Shootfighter also lost a Kilroy’s House of Fun match to Kilroy at Irish Rage in Belfast 2012. At Kilroy Evans Presents Irish Rage in Belfast 2009, The Shootfighter lost to Manwel.
The fans start clapping faster and faster
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reaching down, Little Dragon applies a front facelock as he brings Nobody to his feet, then drill his head into the mat with a satellite DDT!!
The impact sits Nobody back up. Rushing to the ropes, Dragon catches the sitting and dazed Nobody with a sliding dropkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Picking up Nobody by the hair, Dragon once again delivers a forearm to the head of his opponent. He goes for an irish whip, but Dragon reverses it and goes for a spinning back elbow but Nobody ducks! Joe connects with a superkick in the teeth that knocks Dragon off his feet! Nobody nails Dragon with a Status Symbol floatover DDT as he rises! Joe hooks the leg as he covers!
…ONE!
…TWO
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Keeping the hooked leg trapped, Nobody drops a knee into the hamstring of his opponent before following up with a soccer like penalty kick into the same muscle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hooking the leg under his arm, Joe Nobody sets him up then drops him with a grounded dragon screw legwhip. The former Northern Pro Phoenix Champion holds his leg in pain but he’s immediately taken back into the match with Nobody setting up for a suplex as he lifts him to his feet. Joe hooks the leg and lifts him, fisherman buster style into an orange crush powerbomb!! Awesome Driver!
Phillip Blauer: Does Steve know about this?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody makes the cover!
…ONE!
Crowd: ONE!
…TWO!
Crowd: TWO!
Crowd: THR-
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Some of the Irish fanbase audibly lets out a noise of disappointment as they were sure Nobody had it. Once more, Nobody lines up for a superkick as Dragon tries to rally himself back into the match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody swings his leg up but Little Dragon ducks the superkick, hits the ropes and nails Nobody in the back of the head with a clothesline from hell!
The crowd yells “LARIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” as Dragon goes for the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody gets his foot on the bottom rope!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon can’t quite believe it! He brings Nobody back to a standing base but Nobody throws a forearm. It’s answered by one of Dragon’s own.
The two men are now trading forearms. Joe looks for a huge hook but it’s ducked and Dragon grabs a full nelson. Nobody braces himself for the dragon suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon feints out and throws Nobody over into a bridging german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Nobody gets a weak shoulder up!
Realizing that protesting with Pee Wee would be pointless, Dragon makes a beeline for the turnbuckle. He leaps to the top in one jump. The crowd are on their feet behind Blauer and Guillermo as Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. accidentally takes a shot of them instead of the action in the ring
Phillip Blauer: Uh, Danny, wrong camera, chum.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry fans. We’re having a bit of an early technical difficulty here. But if you could see what’s in the ring you would see that Joe ran up to the turnbuckle himself and caught Little Dragon in an avalanche victory roll!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out but Joe rolls through into an anklelock!
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets back on track and takes Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.’s shot inside the ring of Joe Nobody twisting Little Dragon’s foot in the ankle lock. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in on Dragon who can do little to stop Nobody from locking the hold in
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody is on his feet, elevating the hold to add more pressure with each inch. Dragon reaches out to the ropes but Joe adjusts the hold and leans back. Pressing up on his hands, Little Dragon rolls out of the ankle lock! The former NPW Phoenix Champion rushes at Nobody but he ducks, and catches Dragon with a german suplex! He keeps hold of the waistlock and rolls to his feet! Wheelbarrow facebuster! Victory Buster! Nobody rolls over into a clutch style pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Little Dragon kicks out!
Nobody pounds the mat in frustration and rolls to his feet. He charges at the rising Dragon
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crouching dragon, hidden wrist control!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Little Dragon pulls the ripcord, but Nobody ducks and grabs a half nelson. Dragon uses his free arm to swing an elbow into the side of Nobody’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon hits a snap suplex. He holds on and pulls Joe up into a second snap suplex.
Dragon rolls his hips for a third snap suplex but Joe blocks it and does a go behind with a half nelson. He lifts him up into a half nelson slam into a cutter
Guillermo O’Bannon: ComboBreaker!!
The audience cheers and Little Dragon staggers up to his feet. Joe Nobody charges in with his running STO
Guillermo O’Bannon: Denial of Perfection!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays and the audience cheers the hard fought battle
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 14 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…JOE NOBODY!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody picks up another win here in Hardkore World. This time in front of these amazing Dublin fans!
Richie Richardson raises Joe Nobody’s arm and the crowd roars! Joe Nobody calls Dragon over and raises his arm as well. The fans give both men a big round of applause out of respect
Guillermo O’Bannon: A rare show of sportsmanship…
Phillip Blauer: Wait, now I’m confused. Who won?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: Then why did the bell ring?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Because Nobody won.
Phillip Blauer: Right, so why ring the bell?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Because the match is over.
Phillip Blauer: Who won?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody.
Phil’s left eye starts to flutter as the fans continue to cheer both Joe and Dragon in the ring, including the boy in the front row with a new fedora
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is the ladder match for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Champion “The High Roller” Wesley Crane! We’ve still got plenty of action coming up tonight but I hear that Kevin’s standing by with, at least for now, Hardkore World Champion, Cross Recoba.
Phillip Blauer: We all know who the REAL World Champion is!
Kevin Valentine Jr. does indeed stand-by with Cross Recoba. The HardKore World title over one shoulder, the HCW Diamond belt over the other. Clearly raring to go, Recoba is in full ring attire as he stands next to the Valentine family member, a look of determination etched across his face.
Kevin Valentine Jr.:Thanks, Guillermo. I’m standing by with Cross Recoba who, later tonight, puts his title on the line against a man many are seeing as a future building block of the company, Kalmin Watts. Cross, your third defence of that World title: are you confident of carrying the title out of Dublin tonight?
Recoba smiles as he hears the last sentence, the key question to the ramble.
Cross Recoba: Look, I hope everyone out there had a chance to take a good look and listen to what I had to say to Kalmin ahead of tonight’s match. He’s got nearly ten-thousand fans out there all expecting him to bring his best when that bell rings, ten-thousand fans all having paid what amounts to a month’s salary for them to see this event and more crucially, this match. Has Jordan managed to fit any training into their camp? Has he prepared him for the noise that that crowd can make, the pressure they can put on a man’s shoulders when they put their own hopes and fears on his shoulders?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: You don’t think that you might split the crowd out there tonight?
Cross Recoba: I’m willing to bet a large portion of that crowd out there tonight were in this very arena last Summer to witness me become the first-ever Infinite Pro National Openweight Champion but that won’t change their mind on me. They’ve been told that Watts is who they should be cheering, been conditioned to accept it, maybe a smattering’ll see sense but I’m not going to let that factor into my game-plan.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: So, eight-thousand angry Irish fans aren’t going to put you off your stride?
Recoba openly laughs.
Cross Recoba: I’ve spent my time here in HKW putting away everyone that’s put before me up-and-down the West Coast of America! You don’t think that the Seattle crowd wouldn’t have rather seen Tuxedo Mask walk out with this title-
He places a firm hand on the HKW World title.
Cross Recoba: -or the Sacramento fans have preferred seeing Little Dragon put me away? I’ve proven time and time again that I thrive on the fans vitriol, that I use their jeers and hate to drive me to victory, to shatter their dreams and force them to watch their heroes fail! Go do yourself a favor, go find Watts and Jordan and ask them your questions. See how they deal with it. Watch as Watts’ eyes dart around as he realizes the expectation on his shoulds, watch Jordan scramble to cover for him as the full reality of tonight hits his client. Watch how they react, I spent my time training, I didn’t go out of my way to make appearances on Podcasts, why should I? You watch Hardkore World and, like it or not, you know that Cross Recoba is the top dog in the promotion. Watts might dispute it, Crane might not understand it, but it’s an undeniable fact. I avenged the one spot on my record that kept it from being perfect when I put Tuxedo Mask away, can Watts say that about Crane? I spent my time between shows training and now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to replay how I will beat Watts tonight in my head and wait for that bell to ring with anticipation!
Recoba walks out of the shot as we go back to ringside.
Open on Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. placing ladders around the ringside areas. There is a clipboard with a contract for a title shot for the Hardkore West Coast Championship. The Dublin fans start singing and swaying from side to side
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Welcome back, fans. Coming up is the ladder match to determine the number one contender to the Hardkore West Coast Championship, currently held by “The High Roller” Wesley Crane. The candidates? The Sheik, Tuxedo Mask, and Simon Cruise!
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over the PA system. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue short board. If any of the Dublin crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside. A younger man holds up a “Simon, Hit Phil In The Bean Again!”sign
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here comes Simon Cruise, crowd surfing to the ring, much in the way he has surfed through the competition since coming to Hardkore World, undefeated thus far. And now he’s got a brand new board, something that had been weighing on him recently.
Phillip Blauer: Well, I’m glad he finally met someone.
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise slapping hands with the fans here at ringside, as they embrace him as one of their own!
The audience chants “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” A fan in a Kilroy Evans shirt hands Simon Cruise a beer in a plastic cup. Cruise shrugs and takes a long pull off of it, before burping and handing it back to the man
Phillip Blauer: Whatever happened to getting high on life?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise got himself into contention with his big win over Tuxedo Mask in Sacramento. He loved their match as it took him to the limit, and he’s excited to be in the ring with him again as well as former Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. This is Simon’s second match with Tuxedo Mask, but his first with the unpredictable Sheik with his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves. He says he knows it won’t be a walk in the park, but for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Champion “The High Roller” Wesley Crane, he’ll risk it all.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is a Ladder Match for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Championship. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds, The Big Kahuna…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The Irish crowd roars and continues to chant “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” Simon Cruise bangs his head in time
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the 3Arena changes it’s tune. The jovial mood is over and the jeers and heckling start raining down. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and looks out for a bit with a sneer. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of all the “TUX SUX” signs in the crowd
Phillip Blauer: Finally, a handsome person! Sorry, Gavin, you guys are great. But after a while, us Lovely People have to see one of our own or we get very sad.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. Tux does a little bow to loud boos, as Simon Cruise applauds from the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Last year, at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, Tuxedo Mask won the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship with his former friend Kilroy Evans, defeating The Anointed, and then Ruben Bowman and Eron Hunter. 13 years earlier, at Kilroy Evans Presents Irish Rage in Belfast 2009, Tuxedo Mask lost to Andrew Karnage.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure that decision is on appeal pending a drug test.
A fan has a sign that says “Tux Is A Pox Bottle”. Tuxedo Mask points at the sign and says to Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. “OK, that’s a little too much.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask dropped a match to Simon Cruise in Sacramento, but he has only ever been in the ring with The Sheik during Hardkore Helloween 2022.
Tuxedo Mask slides into the ring under the bottom rope. He climbs to the second turnbuckle for one last bit of glamming. He drops down and does a split and flashes the peace sign. The Dublin crowd chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!“
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Tuxedo Mask not entering the ring, keeping his distance from Simon Cruise. He’s the veteran in this match, looking to get a shot at “The High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Greg Jin: “From Tokushima, Japan; He Stands 5 feet 8 inches tall and Weighs 185 pounds; The 5 Star Skirt Chaser, He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
The 3Arena rocks with boos as Tuxedo Mask gives them a bow
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Dublin audience erupts in cheers. The Sheik walks out with Malcolm Xavier Graves walking out behind him. The Sheik begins to walk to the ring when Kilroy Evans walks out from the back. MXG signals to Kilroy that they do not need him to accompany them to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans trying to support his partner, but The Sheik, or at least Malcolm Xavier Graves letting him know, they want to do this on their own.
Kilroy keeps asking “Are you sure?” but The Sheik is long gone, with MXG nodding his head that they are fine without Evans. A young fan holds an “I Heart Sheik” sign that Sheik tears out of the kid’s hands and tosses out of his way
Phillip Blauer: Eventually everyone realizes Kilroy is a drag to hang out with. For The Sheik that has apparently taken one month.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik has bigger things on his mind, namely that Hardkore Jonnie Valentine himself is actively working against The Sheik, keeping him out of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title picture. Malcolm Xavier Graves and The Sheik say they were robbed in their Hardkore World Heavyweight title match against Marty Donovan in Portland this past March when both Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome interfered. MXG threatened to boycott this match in response.
The Sheik walks towards Tuxedo Mask, but Tux just backs away until it is futile. Sheik turns his attention to Simon Cruise, standing in the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: MXG points to the wrestlers he calls “Golden Boys” and claims XHF management in general shields them from The Sheik, who has been in some of the most violent matches in XHF’s recent history, and deserving of title shots.
The Sheik slides into the ring and Simon Cruise walks up to meet him. Kelly O’Connell backs Simon off, while Malcolm Xavier Graves holds back The Sheik. Tuxedo Mask uses the distraction to quietly enter the ring himself
Guillermo O’Bannon: Graves has said that if this was a straight match, The Sheik would have the clear advantage. But he concedes that a ladder match lends some inherent risk to his client. But The Shiek isn’t worried about any of that and says he will defeat both of these men, and get revenge on Wesley Crane for what he has done.
Greg Jin: “Accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; Hailing from Arabia’s Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 230 pounds, The Man from Rub' al Khali…THE SHEIK!!!”
The Dublin audience gives The Sheik a loud pop
Ladder Match for Hardkore West Coast Title Shot
Simon Cruise vs. The Sheik vs. Tuxedo Mask
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell, and Tuxedo Mask bolts to the outside. He hops the guardrail and sits in a conveniently empty seat in the stands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on.
Phillip Blauer: Plenty of good seats still available, Gordon.
Tuxedo Mask tries to put his arm around the Irish lass next to him and is promptly slapped
Phillip Blauer: Larry! The talent is being assaulted! Spring into action!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. nods and makes his way out to the crowd. Tuxedo Mask kicks his feet up and motions for Sheik and Simon Cruise to fight
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik needs no prompting and rushes Cruise, who was distracted by Tux. The Sheik’s punch sends Cruise to the mat, then the Sheik follows up with violent stomps.
The Shiek irish whips Simon Cruise into the and backdrops him over turnbuckles to floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves hands him a chair, and The Sheik sets i up in front of the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik runs into the ropes, vaults off the chair onto the middle of the top rope, turns around and triple jump moonsaults Simon Cruise into the railing!!
The Dublin fans chant “SHEIK!! SHEIK!! SHEIK!!” while Tux nudges some fans and tells them “That had to hurt.” The Sheik collapses a ladder, and lifts it over his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik throws that steel ladder down onto Simon Cruise!!
The sound of the ladder rings through the 3Arena
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik then hits a standing senton onto the ladder strewn across Simon Cruise’s entire body!!
The Dublin crowd cheers as Simon Cruise sits up in pain. The fans start clapping faster and faster
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
The Sheik picks up the ladder and tosses it into the ring. He lifts up Cruise and suplexes his back on the apron. Tuxedo Mask stands up from his seat and inches closer to the railing until he sees Sheik sit up. Tux then sits down and acts nonchalant
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is ridiculous, Tux has got to participate in this match.
Phillip Blauer: Where? Under my advice, Tux has retained Air Bud’s lawyer, and nowhere does it say he has to participate in this match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes it does, in the contract he signed to be in this match!
Phillip Blauer: Look, he’s just a small time dog lawyer, he doesn’t understand your big city contracts and binding agreements…
The Sheik stomps Simon Cruise again. Malcolm Xavier Graves yells something to Sheik, which leads to Sheik rolling Cruise over and applying a camel clutch
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Last Crusade!! It’s early in this match, and it’s on the floor, but The Sheik expressed confidence that he could make quick work of these two.
The audience is loud as The Sheik locks his hands together and peels back Simon Cruise’s head. Meanwhile, out in the audience, Tuxedo Mask sees an opportunity. He gently climbs over the barricade and tiptoes to the ring. MXG pounds his cane on the apron for support
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise fights as best he can as the Sheik wrenches in The Last Crusade! Last year, at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, The Sheik lost to Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion The Great Syberus in the main event.
Tuxedo Mask slowly rolls into the ring and rolls closer to the ladder. The Sheik rocks back, sitting on the small of Cruise’s back
Guillermo O’Bannon: There’s no submissions in this match, but The Sheik is clearly trying to take out Cruise so he can climb up that ladder and get that Hardkore West Coast title shot against “The High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Tux gets up into a squat and slowly picks up the ladder despite the fact that he can’t hide from anything in the ring. He opens the ladder up and moves it under the contract
Guillermo O’Bannon: Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Sheik or Simon, Tuxedo Mask gingerly climbs up the ladder.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t mind him.
The Dublin fans get louder as Tuxedo Mask climbs each rung, chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” as Tuxedo Mask shushes them
Guillermo O’Bannon: The noise gets the attention of the Sheik. He releases The Last Crusade and rushes into the ring!
The second he feels the Sheik’s hand on his leg, a look of pure terror washes over the face of Tuxedo Mask. Tux looks down at the Sheik and pleads for mercy
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think The Sheik even understands the concept.
Phillip Blauer: Why? Because he’s from The Empty Quarter? It’s an up and coming neighborhood.
The Sheik releases Tux’s leg and climbs the ladder. He gets his head between Tux’s legs and lifts up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask reaches for the contact in vain as the Sheik falls back and Tux crashes into the mat!
The Dublin audience pops and starts singing
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
The Sheik shakes off the fall and gets back to his feet. Malcolm Xavier Graves points to the contract. The Sheik begins to climb the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise is getting back up and sees the Sheik ascending the ladder. He runs into the ring and pulls Sheik down from the ladder!
The two men begin trading punches as Tux rolls out of the ring and hobbles back to his seat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, is Tux sitting down again?
Phillip Blauer: He’s gotta rest his arches.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Meanwhile, Simon Cruise hits a knee to the abdomen that slows the Sheik down. He quickly hits a sitout jawbreaker.
As the Sheik is bent over, Cruise hits a dropkick that catches Sheik in the jaw and sends him down to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise follows up by jumping up to the middle rope and hitting a moonsault on Sheik!!
Simon Cruise takes the ladder down and places it on the Sheik. Cruise climbs up to the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise jumps off, lands on the rungs, and surfs the Sheik!!
The crowd cheers the bitchin’ move as The Sheik snarls and tries to throw Cruise off
Phillip Blauer: He broke one of the rungs. Where are we supposed to find another ladder in Ireland? They don’t have those here yet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise responds by jumping up and stomping Sheik in the hole between two rungs!!
Cruise climbs out and fires off a “Hang Loose” to the crowd. Cruise picks the ladder up off the Sheik and sets it up. He points to the contract as the fans cheer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise climbs the ladder as the Dublin fans stand in anticipation. After a few rungs, Cruise reaches up and hits the clipboard
The clipboard flies around as Cruise reaches up. He reaches a little further
Guillermo O’Bannon: Low blow from Tuxedo Mask! Tux had snuck into the ring and hits Cruise with a low blow.
Cruise drops off the ladder. Tuxedo Mask sticks his knee into Simon Cruise’s back and pulls back his arms in a standing surfboard submission
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, submissions don’t count in this match, but Tux clearly sending a message with this submission hold. He yanks back on Cruise’s arms, trying to pull them out of their sockets.
Tux picks him up by the hair and throws him to the outside. He goes out as well and walks over to the announce position
Phillip Blauer: Oh, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Tuxedo Mask: (puts on a headset) “I could hear Guillermo’s biased commentary from the ring, and no, I didn’t think I could end the match on a submission, the real pain for Cruise there was the irony…”
The Sheik is stalking Tux at ringside. Tux panics and tears off his headset, trying to talk some sense into The Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik doesn’t want to hear it and is now chasing Tuxedo Mask around ringside.
Phillip Blauer: He’ll never catch him. He’s easily the fastest guy on our roster.
Tuxedo Mask rolls into the ring and picks up the ladder as Sheik slides in after him. Tux tries to hit him in the head with the ladder, but Sheik’s head goes through the broken ladder rung, and it just goes around his shoulders
Phillip Blauer: He’s captured The Sheik in that ladder! Now he has to grant him three wishes!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I keep telling you he is not a genie, but he is mad and looking for some answers!
When The Sheik spins, the ladder spins with him. Tux has to keep ducking to avoid the ladder. Simon Cruise rolls back in to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise walks right into that ladder as it swings around!!
The impact knocks Simon Cruise back to the floor, and Sheik’s head pinballed around inside the ladder. The audience jeers as Tuxedo Mask picks him up and tosses him over the top rope to the floor below
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask ignores going for the clipboard and climbs the ropes.
The Dublin audience flip Tux off and start chanting “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Tuxedo Mask grabs his crotch at them and the boos only get louder
Phillip Blauer: That’s right, show them no fear.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux flips off the top with a huracanrana but both Sheik and Cruise have the same idea and hit a standing powerbomb that sends Tux into the ring post!!
The 3Arena lets out a collective “OH!!” at the sound of Tuxedo Mask hitting the corner post. Tux crumbles to the ground and lays in a heap on the floor
Phillip Blauer: Luckily for Tuxedo Mask, he wasn’t lined up perfectly and avoided hitting his head on the post.
Cruise and Sheik look at each other, then rush into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon:Great minds think alike and both men making a bee line for that ladder!
Phillip Blauer: They do think alike. Maybe we can do a show. “The Surfer and The Sheik”! They solve mysteries and run a surf shop and hookah store…
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik is quicker and stomps Cruise as he slides into the ring.
The Sheik yells something to Malcolm Xavier Graves who rushes to get a steel chair. As the Sheik stomps Cruise, MXG slides the chair into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon:The Sheik picks the chair up and slams it down into Cruise’s back!! The Sheik hits Cruise’s back a second time!
Simon Cruise tries to get up, but The Sheik waffles him a third time in the back, dropping him. He knocks the ladder down and sets it on the mat. The Sheik scoops Cruise up and bodyslams him on the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik places that chair over the back of Cruise’s head, and then climbs to the top turnbuckle. He somersaults off an Arabian skullcrusher leg drop!!
The audience erupts in cheers as the fans chant “SHEIK!! SHEIK!! SHEIK!!” With Cruise down, the Sheik tosses the chair away before turning to where Tux is. The Sheik glares at Tux to make sure he’s down. At the wrong time, Tux lifts his head up to check what is going on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask showed his cards there a little.
The Sheik yells something in Arabic and exits the ring. Tux crawls away from the Sheik then is able to get onto his feet and run
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik once again in pursuit of Tuxedo Mask.
Phillip Blauer: Maybe his plan is to run into a hole in the wall and have The Sheik bang his face trying to follow? That’ll certainly tangle his whiskers!
Tuxedo Mask ducks down as he rounds the corner and darts under the ring. The Sheik misses him, but Malcolm Xavier Graves points under the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik goes under the ring to find Tux. Tux pops up on the opposite side of the ring, then rushes into the ring. He’s setting up that ladder under the Hardkore West Coast title match contract!
Tux climbs the ladder as MXG begins yelling at Sheik. A few seconds later, the Sheik crawls out from under the ring to see Tux climb another rung.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik slides into the ring and climbs up the opposite side. Once he’s even with Tux, Sheik starts throwing hard rights as Tux fights to hang onto the ladder.
Simon Cruise is slowly pulling himself up as Sheik attacks Tux. Simon climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits to pounce
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon jumps off with a Cruise Missile dropkick to the ladder that knocks it over, with Tux and Sheik on it!!
The crowd erupts and the fans chant “CRUISE!! CRUISE!! CRUISE!!” Simon Cruise lays on the mat along with the other two wrestlers that just fell off a ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise now setting up that ladder underneath the clipboard with that contract for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Championship.
The Dublin audience gets louder as Cruise climbs each rung. The Sheik gets to his feet and begins climbing up the other side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise has got the contract!
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and the crowd jumps to their feet. The Sheik keeps trying to climb up after Cruise, but Malcolm Xavier Graves holds him back. “Riptide” by Vance Joy plays as Cruise holds up the clipboard and gives the camera a hang loose sign
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 8 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE HARDKORE WEST COAST TITLE SHOT…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise has won a shot at Hardkore West Coast Champion “The High Roller” Wesley Crane in Denver, Colorado!
Simon Cruise slaps hands with the fans at ringside. He walks over to the announcers’ position and grabs a pen off of the desk
Phillip Blauer: Hey, that’s mine! If you turn it upside down you can see Rue McClanahan naked.
Simon Cruise signs his name on the contract as Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of it. Cruise says to the camera “See you in Denver, Wes!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is The Sadistic Madness Match between Steve Awesome and Kilroy Evans!
CATCHING THE WAVE
with
Simon Cruise
Featuring
Cross Recoba
The camera pans from the Velvet Strand to the sands of Portmarnock Beach, located in Northern Dublin – the blue flag rated waters offer an inviting blue horizon against the sandy backdrop. Though lacking tacky tourist trappings like fast food vendors that usual spot the coastline of his West Coast digs, Simon Cruise has set up chairs and umbrellas to create a set like atmosphere for his guest. Hardkore World Champion Cross Recoba sits across from Cruise, not expecting any surfing lessons, or questions that his people didn’t approve first.
Simon Cruise: Alright, alright, alright – welcome Hardkore World to the beautiful beaches of Dublin, where I have the pleasure of picking the calculating mind of our world champion, Cross Recoba. Cross, thank you for joining me at this time.
Cross Recoba: My pleasure, this is the only interview show I’m doing this Summer…
Simon Cruise: It is appreciated. Now, the term iconoclast gets bandied about so often these days-
Yes, these will be softball questions.
Cross Recoba: Excuse me...
A small child has wandered into frame and started pouring sand on Recoba’s hush puppies. Aware that cameras are rolling, the champion doesn’t kick the brat, but is clearly distracted by the boy’s antics. Pale and shovel in hand, the seven-year-old appears to be trying to bury the champion.
Simon Cruise: Hey little dude, do you mind playing over there?
Tinto the CAR Orphan: Yes, this area has nicer sand.
Simon Cruise (furrows brow): Uh, radical. It’s just that we’re trying to shoot a television program.
Tinto the CAR Orphan (smiles at camera): I don’t mind. (goes back to his serious work of burying Cross)
Cross Recoba: You don’t have security?
Simon Cruise (shrug): I find with rugrats, if you ignore the little dudes, they’ll eventually get bored and wander off.
Cross Recoba (nodding): If we must...
JUMP CUT.
The world champion has been buried up to his neck in sand.
Simon Cruise: Now I hear you like pizza...
The softballs keep getting thrown. They really do show Cross in a humanizing light. His people were right to write them for Cruise. Having run out of body to bury, Tinto starts trying to shovel sand into Recoba’s face.
Cross Recoba (spitting sand): No, now really – this is too much.
Simon Cruise (having run out of cue cards): Now dude, what would you say to critics that claim you spend far more time trying to promote Tap Out Wrestling on HKW TV, rather than actually looking after Hardkore World interests?
Cross Recoba (eyes narrow): I think we’re done here. So if you have everything you need, I’ll be...
Oh no. Why can’t Cross rise up from the sand like a he was world champion athlete, and it was sand? How deeply is he packed in? Head wiggling, Cross desperately tries to free himself.
Tinto the CAR Orphan (using an Al Pacino fake Cuban accent): Every day above ground is a good day.
Is the little creep playing mafia? Cross Recoba has been buried alive.
Simon Cruise: Your TOW has sent Sam Sawyer to Overheated, while HKW is banking on Steve Awesome. Who do you think has a better chance, buuuuuuuddy?
Cross Recoba: I’m not saying another word until you get me out of here.
Simon Cruise (realizing Cross is actually stuck): Oh, sorry about that let me-
Before Cruise can dig Recoba out-
“Simon, you son of a bitch!”
An angry Marty Donovan stomps towards the set. Not a stranger to being harassed by dudes that aren’t mellow, but trying to keep it off camera, Simon walks away from the champion – trying to cut Marty off. Unfortunately, it’s just as Simon wanders off that water splashes Cross’ chin – with the tide coming in.
Simon Cruise: Bro – how you doing?
Marty Donovan: Not as good as I was before YOU CUT DOWN THE SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON TREEHOUSE.
Cross Recoba (from afar): thetideiscominginglurrrrrrrrg-
Simon Cruise (yelling back at Cross): Sorry dude this will just take a minute… (nodding at Marty) you should see the awesome board I’m making out of it-
Marty Donovan: My employers don’t take too kindly to having their property stolen, and I’m talking about fountain drink refills, not FULL BLOWN ATTRACTIONS.
Simon Cruise: Marty, a tree is nature. You can’t own nature. That’s like owning the waves. Oh sure, someone might say “I’m going to make that wave my bitch” but they always end up wiping out.
Marty Donovan: There was a family of monkey butlers living in that ride!
Simon Cruise: They have been resituated.
JUMP CUT. As the argument over whether you can steal a theme park ride if it pretends to be part of the land rages on, Tinto continues to torment the undercover cop he’s planning to whack.
Cross Recoba: This has been fun, but you need to dig me out right now.
Tinto the MADE MAN: Listen, Little Boy, in this business there's only one law you gotta follow to keep out of trouble... do it first, do it yourself, and keep on doing it!
At least the Scarface quotes are coming from a better movie. Incensed, Cross tries to bite the child – only to get a mouthful of onrushing salt water.
Tinto the MADE MAN: You betrayed the family- all that is left for you is a watery grave.
Cross Recoba: When I get out of here I’m going to-gluuuuuuuuuuug!
At this point, the waves are so high they threaten to knock over Tinto. The little boy has to sheepishly move away from his victim, trying to run in and tease, then run away from the incoming flood. Even when the water retreats, it's now so close to the champion that he has to tilt his head up.
Cross Recoba (spitting up water): ...elp...
The world champion’s cries are so faint that they could only be picked up by the animal kingdom. Fortunately Purrman Melville was in the neighbourhood. Drawn to these cries for help, which might be a fish he can have for dinner – the kitten races to the scene of the crime. A human in trouble? Wanting to protect his secret identity, Purrman Melville races to the nearest liter box – which is fortunately a beach, and changes out of his civilian specs to transform into-
Tinto the MADE MAN: OH MY GOSH! THE PURRICANE!
The superhero kitten bounds towards the drowning world champion faster than an animal of superior speed! It stops just shy of the water, not wanting to get wet. Places a paw in to check the temperature, then asks itself “Mew Mow?” Which we can only assume translates to “What would The Hurricane! do?” In between waves, the kitten charges up and with one surreally strong paw swipe aided by a JUMP CUT manages to pull the drowned rat that is Cross Recoba to safety. It is only the explosion of sand that draws back the attention of the other adults.
Simon Cruise (racing next to Recoba, pats him on the back trying to force him to cough up water): Cross, what happened?
Cross Recoba: thepurr… cough… icanesavedme.
Marty Donovan (less pleased to see Recoba, but feeling like something needs to be said): Look Tinto was just playing with you, I’m sure he wasn’t actually trying to murder you.
Tinto the CAR Orphan (big smile): Mister Marty, if Mister Recoba drowned then I would be the Hardkore World champion!
Marty Donovan (uncomfortable): Okay, so maybe he was trying to kill you.
Tinto the CAR Orphan (hands on hips): And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that meddlesome Purricane!
The kitten is now examining a hermit crab, and apparently frightened of it.
Simon Cruise (helping Cross up): I hope you won’t let this little incident sour you on your Catching the Wave experience.
Cross Recoba (pushing Simon off him, then realizing he needs the help, falls to a knee): My... brand... is... NEVER... going to recover from this.
Simon Cruise: It wasn’t that bad.
A pink jalopy drives up onto the beach. The window rolls down and the toothy smile of an alligator faced luchador pokes out.
Florida Man: Let’s haul ass to the Guinness Storehouse!
Tinto is Danny Ocean (running to the car): YAY! Heist!
Florida Man: See you bitches at the Frank A. Marano Memorial!
Stomping on the gas, the Florida-mobile slowly drives away – because it’s a jalope more sight gag than functioning vehicle, and on sand. Marty Donovan really doesn’t want to spend time with Florida Man, but the alternative is Cross Recoba and Simon Cruise.
Marty Donovan: ...He’s my ride.
With that the Epcot Mafia slowly depart. Remembering this is an interview segment, Cruise turns back to the camera.
Simon Cruise: And that wraps another Catching the Wave- I would like to once again thank my guest Cross Rec-
Cross Recoba (still coughing up salt water): Get bent.
Simon Cruise: ...Join us next time, when our guest will be Dan Stein! I mean, we haven’t asked him yet, but how could he say no?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans, Kilroy Evans and the new leader of The Anointed XHF Hardcore Champion Steve Awesome finally lock up in a Sadistic Madness Match, where you cannot pin your opponent until he is bleeding. A match Dan Stein invented when he wrestled Adrian Tanner Jr. at Irish Rage in Belfast 2006. 17 years later, its Kilroy Evans and Steve Awesome. A dream match that people have fantasy booked for years is finally happening.
Phillip Blauer: I have Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. running every possibility with Kilroy and Steve Awesome action figures in the back. It’s part of the reason I was so late. That and the vehicular manslaughters.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome has taken cheap shots and sucker punches on both Marty Donovan, and The Sheik. Two of Kilroy’s friends…
Phillip Blauer: I wouldn’t really call The Sheik a friend.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It didn’t sound right even leaving my mouth…but nonetheless, Kilroy likes Sheik, and he clearly never could bring himself to hate Marty, and tonight he wants to show Steve Awesome what happens when you mess with the people he likes.
Phillip Blauer: But don’t really like him back.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Exactly, now Steve Awesome had his face bitten by Kilroy at the WarGames in Seattle…
Guillermo is interrupted by the singing of the fans
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
All the lights in the 3Arena die out and The Irish fans boo at the interruption. Some of the crowd start chanting
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
{Dramatic Pause.}
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in the 3Arena explode to life! The Irish fans boo at the interruption as the lights flash green and black to the beat. Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her won't you tell her for me/ It's better this way to avoid all the misery
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring past the signs the fans are holding up that say The Annoying”, “We Want Awesome’s Blood”, “Shit Show - The Book Was Better”, and “Awesome vs. Kilroy: Dream Match.”
Phillip Blauer: Finally, I can do my real commentary for Barry Wimbledon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who?
Phillip Blauer: Do you have rocks in your head?? Barry Wimbledon. The star of Shit Storm, Shit Storm 2: Even Shittier, Shit Storm 3: Santa Gets Naughty, Shit Storm 4, Shit Storm 5: The Shit Hits The Fan, Shit Storm 6: Montezuma’s Revenge, and of course, who could forget Shit Storm 7: The Curse of Diarrhea Falls.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And you watch these movies?
Phillip Blauer: First day they come out! You have to, they’re usually not in theatres very long. In fact, I admit, the last two I had to get out of the DVD bin at my local truck stop. They always know what I’m there for. The day a new Shit Storm gets released, I come in and they say “It’s in the back, Phil!” (chuckles) Oh, Bev.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, you know he’s not the character he plays in those movies?
Phillip Blauer: Sure. (winks) His secret is safe with me. I don’t waste the good stuff on the earlier types. That’s something his little parasite Tuna Meltzer can take a cue from. I’m like Hogan in Japan. I only work when the situation calls for it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: O…K. Steve Awesome knows Kilroy is dangerous in this kind of match, for how willing he is far to go, sometimes too far. He found out in the WarGames match in Seattle when Kilroy bit his face.
Phillip Blauer: Going after a man’s face. His money maker. Dirty pool, mister. Dirty pool.
The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Steve Awesome claims to be the better wrestler and says that Kilroy is a mark for himself.
Greg Jin: “The following is a Sadistic Madness Match. You cannot pin or make your opponent submit, until he is bleeding. There is a 30 Minute Time Limit and your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds; Not Safe For Wrestling…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
The 3Arena rocks with ear splitting boos as Steve Awesome drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms.
"Miami Disco (metal cover)" by Alex Yarmak plays and the Dublin fans get rowdy and loud! A relaxed Kilroy walks out and the pop is just tremendous
Guillermo O’Bannon: Would you listen to that ovation!
Phillip Blauer: Ugh, the favoritism they show this guy just because he’s Irish.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s Welsh, I think.
Phillip Blauer: That’s like a town in Ireland.
Kilroy walks down to the ring, slapping hands with the audience pressed against the side rails. He takes time time to talk to the fans. He laughs with a couple of drunk lads as they embrace him, accidentally spilling beer down Kilroy’s back
Phillip Blauer: We all do things that make us hate ourselves when we drink, but I could only imagine finding out I hugged Kilroy on pay-per-view. I would walk into the ocean.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil…
Phillip Blauer: The ocean!!
Kilroy Evans points to the sign that says “Awesome vs. Kilroy: Dream Match”, and “We Want Awesome’s Blood” and smiles, nodding at the fans with his fist cocked
Guillermo O’Bannon: You want to talk about a streak? Kilroy Evans has not lost at this event! At Irish Rage in Belfast 2005, he defeated his greatest rival, Death Gojira in a double hell match. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2006, he won a quick scaffold match over Death Gojira when he poured marbles on the scaffold and Gojira fell off in less than 5 minutes. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2007, he defeated Poke the Clown in an exploding barbed wire. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2008, he unbelievably teamed with Poke the Clown and defeated the Hollywood Syndicate, Tyler Hollywood and Scott Justice. In 2009, he even hosted the event with Kilroy’s Irish Rage in Belfast 2009, where he unified the Hardkore West Coast title with the Hardkore World Television title by defeating Cecil Kennedy.
Phillip Blauer: Ah yes, I remember that one vividly. It was catered by Lunchables.
Yolanda Ando: I remember those pet raccoons he had were all over backstage. They seemed like they wanted to be your friend, but they just wanted the rest of your Lunchables.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think those were his pets. I think they just show up whenever he’s somewhere. He’s their Aquaman.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Irish Rage in Belfast 2012 Kilroy Evans defeated The Shootfighter in a Kilroy’s House of Fun match. Then 10 years later, at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, Kilroy Evans won the Hardkore World Tag Team titles with Tuxedo Mask in a one night tournament, defeating Marty Donovan and Alexander Von Blankenship in the first round, and then Ruben Bowman and Eron Hunter in the finals.
Phillip Blauer: We don’t need people thinking he has some magical properties inside this country. People will start showing up to rub his beard to get some sort of good fortune, and this is already a heavily luck based economy.
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy is wearing a white “Red Zone: Cuba” t-shirt, jeans and sneakers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda, as I’ve said Kilroy says that what Marty did to him hurt him, but in a bizarre way he was glad to see him succeed in a way he hadn’t previously. But when Steve Awesome took The Anointed from him, that hurt him much deeper because it destroyed Kilroy to see everything taken away from Marty.
Phillip Blauer: Do you even understand how messed up that is?
Once Kilroy Evans is in the ring, he's still all smiles, but is completely focused on Steve Awesome now. Kilroy locks eyes on him barely blinking as he stares at Aweseome
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds, He is Undefeated at Irish Rage…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The roof nearly blows off the 3Arena but Kilroy doesn’t even react just stares at Steve Awesome, who nervously loosens the ropes
Sadistic Madness Match
Kilroy Evans vs. Steve Awesome
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell. As soon as he does, Kilroy immediately moves in but Steve Awesome backs into the corner and sticks his head and body through the ropes. Milligan forces Kilroy back as the fans boo
Phillip Blauer: Hold your horses, Chucklehead.
The audience starts clapping faster and faster
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy feeding off the energy of these fans here and goes for another lock up, but again, Steve Awesome escapes through the ropes.
Phillip Blauer: Just like Barry Wimbledon, he’s outsmarting the poor rube. He’s trying to tire Kilroy out, knowing of his pre-match ritual of a dozen or so pulled pork sandwiches. The man travels with a crockpot and stinks up the whole backstage area.
Kilroy motions for Steve to come on, and Steve tells Tommy Milligan to keep Kilroy back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan laying the law down and demands that Steve Awesome get out of the ropes.
Tommy starts counting and gets to four before Steve dips his head back into the ring and says “Alright, alright. Fine.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome hesitantly locks up with Kilroy, and they jockey for position. Awesome grabs a headlock.
Steve Awesome plants his feet, and flips Kilroy into a side headlock takedown. He converts it into a reverse chinlock. He clamps his hands together, grinding Kilroy’s jawline. Then he begins doing a handstand while holding on to Evans with a reverse chinlock
Phillip Blauer: Look at that balance. That poise. Those haunches.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome back on the mat, as Kilroy then works his way to his feet with Steve hanging on to that headlock. Evans is finally able to slip his head out, and then takes Awesome over with a snapmare. Kilroy immediately chains it into an armbar.
Kilroy sticks his knee into the ball of Awesome’s shoulder and clamps down on his arm. Kilroy starts biting the fingers of Steve’s trapped arm
Phillip Blauer: Aw, come on. He’s biting him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The rules don’t say where they have to be bleeding. But Awesome slips away before Kilroy is able to break the skin. Evans scoops Awesome up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker.
Kilroy applies a reverse chinlock but then bends Awesome backwards over his hip, almost bringing him to a bridge
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans cutting off Awesome’s air, bending him backwards. He pulls him up and irish whips him, but Awesome counters and shoots Kilroy into the corner. He charges in with a running knee to the stomach. He does a step up into an shining wizard!
The audience boos as Kilroy falls in the corner. Steve Awesome smirks and backs up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome charges in with a bronco buster!
The 3Arena jeers and heckles Steve as he does an exaggerated romp in the corner on Kilroy’s face
Phillip Blauer: That’s how he killed a trained assassin in Shit Storm 3: Santa Gets Naughty. In the director’s cut, they show his eyeballs getting crushed.
Suddenly Steve Awesome makes a face, and starts furiously trying to get away from Kilroy
Phillip Blauer: Oh, he’s biting that now? That’s a new low!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, he put em there.
Steve Awesome sits down, holding his nuts. Kilroy steps over his head and pulls Awesome’s feet up in a stump puller
Phillip Blauer: You see, Steve is going to be unfamiliar with this move because he mostly wrestled after the late 50s.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans lifts up on his ankles, pushing his head back into his body. He puts pressure on the back of his neck, while hurting the hamstrings. But still, even if he wanted to, Steve Awesome cannot submit.
Phillip Blauer: Bummer.
Kilroy Evans releases the stump puller and pulls him up into a reverse side waistlock, into a gut wrench suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy grabs a chicken wing.
Phillip Blauer: First time I’ve ever heard that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He pulls up on Awesome’s wrist, trying to pop his arm out of it’s socket…
Phillip Blauer: I was being sarcastic, he has had a great deal of chicken wings-
Guillermo O’Bannon: We got it. Kilroy continues to wear down Steve’s arm, but Awesome has worked his way to his feet. He pops Evans with a back elbow, then does a go behind with a hammerlock of his own.
Steve Awesome cinches up on Kilroy’s arm bent behind his back. The fans boo, and then start singing
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome now on the offensive, and he cranks up on that chicken winged arm. He lifts him up on his shoulder, drops Kilroy’s on his arm with a hammerlock backdrop!!
The Dublin fans stop singing and boo Steve Awesome. Kilroy snatches his arm into his body, and kicks his toes into the mat in pain. Awesome walks over and disrespectfully pushes Kilroy’s face away with his boot, and the jeers get much louder
Phillip Blauer: This is just like the time the General played by Paul Giamatti in Shit Storm 2: Even Shittier was like “You vill pay for this!” and Barry Windham…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wimbledon?
Phillip Blauer: Don’t interrupt, and he was like “Put it on my card.” and then “Blam!” The ol’ bazooka to the face. They don’t make good cinema like that anymore. Did you see they’re thinking about making a movie about those robots that would reconstruct into cars? (scoffs, taps table)
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome pulls Kilroy up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes. Awesome springs at him with a stiff flying forearm that rocked Kilroy in the jaw.
Awesome looks at his forearm like it’s dirty now, and wipes it off on Kilroy’s Red Zone Cuba t-shirt. The fans boo and start chanting “KILROY’S GONNA KILL YOU! KILROY’S GONNA KILL YOU! KILROY’S GONNA KILL YOU!”
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, you gotta be careful with him. If I had to guess I would imagine that was sour cream.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome irish whips Kilroy into the corner, then comes in for a stinger splash but Kilroy drop toeholds his face into the second turnbuckle!
The crowd erupts in cheers, and Kilroy Evans looks at him with anger in his eyes. Steve Awesome asks Tommy Milligan for a time out, then tries to reason with Kilroy
Phillip Blauer: Time, ref!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans punches Awesome once, twice, and then irish whips him into the turnbuckles. He charges in with an avalanche!
The Dublin fans cheer and Kilroy grabs a headlock and runs into the center of the ring with a bulldog. He scoops Awesome up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans tosses him across the ring with a fallaway slam! He pulls him up into an abdominal stretch, and then puts his leg over Awesome’s head for the octopus hold.
Awesome cries out in pain as Kilroy pushes down on Steve’s head and neck with his leg, while pulling back on Awesome trapped arm, twisting his torso
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome slips his head out and hip tosses his way out of the giant octopus. Kilroy blocks a punch, and counters with a straight jab. He kicks Steve in the stomach, and pulls him up for a piledriver!
The crowd roars as Kilroy holds Awesome up there for a while, then drops down into a pulling piledriver, drilling Steve’s head into the canvas. Steve Awesome is sprawled out and Kilroy makes the cover
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy pinning Steve Awesome for forever, but Tommy Milligan telling him he can’t make the count because Steve isn’t bleeding yet!
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, get off em, dummy. That’s Benny Wimbledon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Barry.
Kilroy slaps the mat and gets up, asking Tommy Milligan why he isn’t counting and turns around into a sickening chair shot by Alexander Von Blankenship!! The sound cracks through the boos of the Dublin audience
Phillip Blauer: It’s AVB!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship absolutely destroyed that chair across the skull of Kilroy Evans, and predictably, he is now bleeding profusely!
AVB gives Kilroy Evans the sign of the cross, then jumps on the middle of the second rope, soaking in the jeers of the fans. The crowd throws beer cups at him as he laughs
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed cannot fight a fair fight.
Phillip Blauer: I would remind you that Kilroy bit another man in the genitals.
Alexander Von Blankenship steps through the ropes and then Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. has to escort him to the locker room through a rain of trash, cups, and water bottles
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB slithering away, and now Tommy Milligan has two men completely out!
Tommy Milligan keeps cautioning both men to get up, as Kilroy bleeds all over the mat, sprawled out. Milligan then begins the double count
ONE!
TWO!
Phillip Blauer: This is reminiscent of Shit Storm 6: Montezuma’s Revenge, when Barry Winterfell-...
THREE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wimbledon.
FOUR!
Phillip Blauer: …was tied up by the cartel leaders, and was able to crawl, like a worm to stop the launching of the nuclear missile just in time using only his nose.
FIVE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, the cartel had a nuke?
Kilroy hasn’t moved despite the fans pleading for him to get up. Steve Awesome rolls to his side
SIX!
Phillip Blauer: Don’t you remember the end of Shit Storm 5: The Shit Hits The Fan, when the cartel leader played Benjamin Bratt got it by jumping out of the back of the airplane with it? He said “Gotta run, amigo!” and then dove out of the plane?
SEVEN!
Guillermo O’Bannon: We left early.
Steve Awesome tries pulling himself up by the ropes, Kilroy is still out cold
EIGHT!
NINE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan is almost to ten, but Steve Awesome lunges and grabs Tommy’s arm to stop him. He drops to the mat, crawls over and covers a bloody Kilroy Evans!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- (Kilroy Evans weakly kicks out)
Phillip Blauer: No!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He nearly had him.
Steve Awesome pounds the mat in frustration, and yells at Tommy Milligan to count faster. Tommy contends he counted the appropriate speed
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome picks him up, grabs Kilroy in a front waistlock, and then twists him into a belly to belly suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- (Kilroy Evans weakly kicks out)
Steve Awesome curses, and then pulls Kilroy up to his feet. He irish whips a busted open Evans into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome takes Kilroy out with a high leg clothesline! He lifts Kilroy up into a back suplex and drops Kilroy’s legs on the top rope and then ricochets back into a slingshot backdrop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Hardkore Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome crosses Kilroy’s legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf.
The 3Arena boos loudly as he sits down low and pulls back on Evans’ legs. Steve Awesome twirls his finger around like a cowboy as he cinches in the Texas cloverleaf. Kilroy does a push up, trying to power out of it, while bleeding all over the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Referee Tommy Milligan asking a crimson masked Kilroy Evans if he wants to give up, but he refuses.
The crowd starts chanting “KILROY’S GONNA KILL YOU! KILROY’S GONNA KILL YOU! KILROY’S GONNA KILL YOU!” but Steve Awesome doubles down and pretends to ride Kilroy like a bronco during the texas cloverleaf and yells “Yee-ha!”
Phillip Blauer: He’s just having good fun there. It’s important to laugh. That’s why every Shit Storm ends with a blooper reel during the credits. I remember the one where Kirk Douglas couldn’t say his line, over and over…
Guillermo O’Bannon: He had just had a stroke.
Phillip Blauer: (wiping a tear) I remember spitting out my Diet RC Cola seeing him try and pronounce “Deffffffcon 5.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome releases the texas cloverleaf, and a bloody Kilroy pulls himself up along the ropes.
Steve Awesome stalks Kilroy, and then grabs him from behind with a chicken wing crossface
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Awesome Lock! He clamps down on Kilroy’s windpipe, while going back to that hammerlock from earlier.
The audience boos as Kilroy fruitlessly flails for the rope with his one free arm. Tommy Milligan asks Kilroy if he wants to tap out, but Kilroy shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy now starting to fade, as Steve tries to break his arm with The Awesome Lock! Evans finally gives out and they fall back to the mat together.
Steve Awesome leans back with the chokehold, trying to bridge. The audience chants “KILROY! KILROY! KILROY!” as a blood drenched Kilroy claws at Awesome’s forearm, raking it with his nails, as a futile means of escape
Phillip Blauer: Looks like Kilroy has turned that formerly white t-shirt of his into Pink Zone Cuba.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy is finally able to roll on his back, and slowly uses his free arm to push himself up, while Steve Awesome tries to choke him out with The Awesome Lock!
The Dublin fans start clapping faster and faster
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans now up to his feet, and Steve Awesome is still attached to his back with The Awesome Lock. Evans runs up the turnbuckles and flips back into a pinning position!!
The crowd cheers and waits for the count, but Tommy Milligan shrugs that he can’t do anything
Phillip Blauer: He’s a big dumb animal, folks.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy just looking to escape The Awesome Lock and forgetting in the moment that in a Sadistic Madness Match, he cannot score a pinfall until Steve Awesome is bleeding like he is.
While Kilroy asks Milligan why he isn’t counting, Steve Awesome takes over on Evans with forearms to the back. Then Awesome applies an inverted facelock near the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Hardkore Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome reverse suplexes Kilroy’s midsection on the ropes!
Kilroy Evans flops from the ropes onto the ring apron. Steve Awesome walks over to the ropes
Greg Jin: "Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed! 10 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome pulls Kilroy up by the hair out here on the apron but Kilroy bites Steve Awesome on the forehead!!
The crowd lets out a monster pop as Steve Awesome screams in agony and surprise!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans hooks him up and vertical suplexes him over the ropes off the apron to the concrete below!!
Both men lie on the concrete floor, completely still as the crowd chants “KILROY! KILROY! KILROY!”
Phillip Blauer: This is terrible! Barry Wimpleton hasn’t been in this much jeopardy since Shit Storm 7: The Curse of Diarrhea Falls, when he ran out of his house when he saw there was a time bomb…but then went back in for his dog, Max. You see, they have a special language…
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t care, Phil! Kilroy now up and smashes Awesome’s head into the ring apron!
Kilroy Evans holds Awesome’s head on the apron, then slides his face across the ring apron and runs him headfirst into the ring post at the opposite end
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome now bleeding after getting slammed facefirst into that steel corner post!!
The Dublin audience is jubilant as Steve Awesome staggers around with bright red blood trickling down from a laceration over his eyebrow
Phillip Blauer: That?! That doesn’t count!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans has a chair and smashes it over Steve Awesome’s head!!
The crowd lets out a loud “OH!!” at the sound of the chair denting over Awesome’s skull. Kilroy holds up the chair, showing Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. and the fans the smear of blood on the seat
Phillip Blauer: We can’t have people swinging chairs! This is a Sadistic Madness match, let’s have some gosh darn decorum!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy takes the lip of that steel chair and jams it into the back of Steve Awesome’s neck while he’s lying on the floor
Kilroy opens the chair, sets it down over Awesome’s chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy sits down on the chair, trapping Steve Awesome underneath!
Phillip Blauer: Is he taking a lunch break?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans leans forward to punch and pummel the captured Awesome!
The audience cheers as Kilroy beats Steve with his fists. Finally, Kilroy stands up and turns around
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans stomps the seat of that chair so that the connecting bar is driven into Awesome’s chest!!
The crowd erupts with cheers as a bleeding Steve Awesome rolls around on the floor, holding his chest. Again the crowd chants “KILROY! KILROY! KILROY!”
Phillip Blauer: His brutality is an embarrassing throwback to a time long past.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans rolls Steve Awesome onto the apron and then climbs up there with him. He grabs him in a ¾ nelson and goes for his Bad Touch diamond cutter, but Awesome pushes him off into the guardrail!!
The sickening sound of Kilroy hitting the steel barrier rings through the 3Arena and quiets the crowd. Steve Awesome uses the ropes to hold himself up on the apron, wiping the blood out of his eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Just like that and Steve Awesome is back in control. Kilroy Evans is finally back up on his feet, but Steve hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an Awesome-Sault that smacks Kilroy into the railing!!
The boos rain down on an exhausted Steve Awesome as he lies on the floor. He takes a few long moments to recover, and then sets up the chair Kilroy used on him
Greg Jin: "Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed! Five Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Hardkore Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome lifts Kilroy up into a suplex and then sits out, bringing his ribs down on the back of that standing chair on the floor!!
A crimson masked Kilroy Evans holds his upper chest, and coughs, trying to get some air into his lungs. The fans boo Steve Awesome who is ducking under the ring apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s Steve Awesome getting under there?
Phillip Blauer: Knowing Donnie Valentine Jr.? Probably asbestos in his lungs.
Steve Awesome returns from under the ring apron with a dog muzzle, holding it up for the rowdy crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: A dog muzzle?!
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know where he’s going with this but I have broken the pencil in my hand from anticipation.
A now very bloody Awesome rolls Kilroy Evans and slides in after him. He sits Kilroy up, and starts strapping the dog muzzle on him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why is he doing this?? This is so disrespectful!
Phillip Blauer: I’m trying to draw meaning from it, myself. It’s like staring at a Monet.
Steve Awesome completes the buckles in the back, and Kilroy has a dog muzzle strapped around his face. The 3 Arena rocks with boos as Steve slaps him in the back of the head as Evans bleeds all over his pink stained Red Zone Cuba shirt
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is this guy’s problem?
Phillip Blauer: Maybe that he had a chair sitting on his chest not three minutes ago?
Guillermo O’Bannon: A confused Kilroy staggers up to his feet and walks right into a Thighslapper superkick with that dog muzzle on his face! An exhausted Steve Awesome collapses with his back on top of Kilroy!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans grabs a chicken wing crossface on Steve Awesome!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy gets out of the pin with The Awesome Lock!! Steve Awesome is trapped!
Phillip Blauer: Oh no, hoisted by his own petard!
Steve’s eyes bug out with fear as Kilroy has his own move locked on. The crowd is deafening while Tommy Milligan asks Awesome if he wants to submit repeatedly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans pulls up on the forearm, trying to hyperextend Awesome’s elbow. Awesome trying to hang on but Kilroy has The Awesome Lock locked in tight!
Steve Awesome reaches back and rakes his fingernails across the eyes of Kilroy to escape The Awesome Lock. Kilroy covers his eyes and Steve Awesome does a go behind and applies the crossface chicken wing again
Greg Jin: "Twenty Nine Minutes Have Elapsed! One Minute Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: And now Steve has The Awesome Lock on! Can Kilroy Evans hold out?
Awesome plants his feet and chicken wing crossface suplexes Kilroy Evans with a bridge
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome-Plex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans gets his shoulder up!
Greg Jin: "30 Seconds Remaining!”
Steve Awesome wipes the blood out of his eyes and climbs to the top turnbuckle as the Irish audience jeers and heckles him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome backflips into a moonsault foot stomp, but Kilroy rolls out of the way!! Kilroy catches the off balance Awesome with his Bad Touch diamond cutter!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"Miami Disco (metal cover)" by Alex Yarmak plays and the Dublin audience leaps to their feet in celebration. Kilroy remains covering Steve Awesome, utterly blood drained and exhausted
Greg Jin: "At 29 minutes 46 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…KILROY EVANS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Out of nowhere, with seconds to go, and despite the interference of Alexander Von Blankenship, Kilroy was able to hit The Bad Touch and defeat the XHF Hardcore Champion!
Kilroy Evans finally rolls off of Steve Awesome as Tommy Milligan holds up his arm in victory
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy sends the message to The Anointed, “Don’t mess with my friends.”
Phillip Blauer: Luckily, that’s not a lot of people.
An energy sapped Kilroy Evans celebrates with fans in the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a match between these two! It definitely lived up to the hype.
Hubert Barth’s “Out of the Blue” plays as the colour drains from the shot to leave only black and white.
A man with a Received Pronunciation English accent speaks.
Voiceover: This is a public service announcement to eat more bread…I mean, take heroin!
The shot changes to a nuclear family. Two parents and two children, two males and two females. The father of the family wears a suit and tie, his hair high and tight. The mother a floral dress and pearl necklace. The children too are in their Sunday best. They stand proudly.
Voiceover: Just ask this family how cracking open a powdery keg of the brown stuff has changed their lives.
Father: I used to want to do nothing but ignore my children and leave my wife alienated and unfulfilled but now I can sit through an entire school production of The Deer Hunter without even feeling even mildly annoyed….
Mother: I now only get bothered by awkward fumbling when the Methadone clinic is shut!
Voiceover: The Brown Horse has been trusted for decades and used by World Leaders in times of crisis!
Voiceover: It’s no coincidence that the European theater changed when the Americans entered the fray but no-one has ever told you that it was a hundred milligrams of the Brown Beast that turned Churchill from Lily White Wet Blanket to China White Winner!
|
Voiceover: We can make your inane ramblings into the sky go away and all you have to do is…
The family are back and the daughter taps two fingers on her arm like she’s playing Charades.
Daughter: Two Syllables, it’s all you need for the quiet life. For the best life.
Voiceover: Two Syllables. The Quiet Life…The Best Life.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next, “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall puts his Hardkore California Championship on the line against Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen.
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) What’s left of him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s true, Dirk van Thijmen got into an altercation with Callum Cornwall in San Jose that reportedly reaggravated his already problematic ribs after a he allowed Kalmin Watts to put him in The Sooner Squeeze in Tacoma, Washington. But Callum Cornwall cannot expect an off night, as the 15 year veteran has many tricks up his sleeve, not to mention his wife Mickie Fury in his corner.
Phillip Blauer: But who’s corner is she really in?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, you can’t do that for every match.
Phillip Blauer: Says you. You were giving yourself compliments from a hay man an hour ago.
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis plays and the 3Arena explodes! Hardkore California Champion, “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulder
Phillip Blauer: I think that fast rise to stardom has changed that sallow little man.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall very upset that Hardkore Jonnie Valentine changed Irish Rage to Dublin this year. He had his heart set wrestling in front of the UK.
Phillip Blauer: Kids these days, they want the moon.
The fans slap Callum Cornwall’s hands as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. is having problems cutting through the crowd to get Squid to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall experienced his first loss at the hands of Alexander Von Blankenship in Sacramento, after a successful couple months that netted him his first championship of his career.
Phillip Blauer: Luckily, he had Dave Sadler to teach him all about losses.
Callum Cornwall gets into the ring and then stands on the second rope, holding his Hardkore California Championship title over his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: There are huge question marks about the health of his opponent Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen. Van Thijmen has been working with seriously injured ribs this spring, but in San Jose, he injured them even further. We shall see how much of a challenge he can even put up.
Yolanda Ando: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall wears simple wrestling boots and black tights that have tentacles painted on them in gold.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. . Featuring first, from Salford in the United Kingdom; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
The Dublin crowd roars as Callum Cornwall holds up his arms. Hardkore Jonnie Valentine walks over to the apron and calls Greg Jin over. Greg walks over to the ropes, and Jonnie whispers something into his ear. Greg looks concerned but nods and agrees to announce it.
Greg Jin: “Ladies and Gentleman, Hardkore Medical Director David Valentine Jr. cannot clear Dirk van Thijmen to compete tonight.”
The 3Arena boos and Callum Cornwall looks devastated
Phillip Blauer: You know, you used to just be able to bribe the athletic commission to clear a dead guy. Hell in a handbasket; hell in a handbasket.
Greg Jin: “Therefore, taking his place tonight…”
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the Dublin fans boo. “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse comes dancing down the ramp to show off
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse!
Phillip Blauer: How did they get him on such short notice?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He was wrestling in the dark match with a victory over Moondog Dook. So he’s already had a wild match with the Moondog earlier.
“The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall nods towards Joey Little Horse who’s dancing provocatively, but also threateningly
Phillip Blauer: Joey Little Horse clearly has no fear of Callum Cornwall. The man is a 17 year veteran, not to mention a spectacular dancer.
Yolanda Ando: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse has long dark blond hair, a white t-shirt, and sweat pants with wrestling boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A huge opportunity here for “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse who has a Hardkore California title shot here on pay-per-view, against a champion who was preparing for a different opponent. The House of Love has long been represented here, at Irish Rage in Belfast 2007, Aunt Lucinda lost to Tamara Sanchez and Johnny Perfection, The Stud, Ladiesman, Mr. Ladykiller lost to Bad Boy King Kong in a handicap match at Irish Rage in Belfast 2008, Aunt Lucina won a fourway match with Angelica Waters, Hikari, and Kim Riggs and then Suikerbossie, Randy Candy, "The Fight Machine" Basil Combs successfully defended their Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships over Full Metal Jacket. At Kilroy Evans Presents Irish Rage in Belfast 2009, Randy Candy lost to Big Bad Bill and The Dutch Express lost the Hardkore America Tag Team Championships to The Saints of Exile, Bobby Nowa and the late, great Eric “Lonewolf” McNeely.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
The Dublin crowd boos as Joey gyrates his hips
Hardkore California Championship Match
"The Salford Squid" Callum Cornwall vs. "El Exotico" Joey Little Horse
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson signals for the bell and Callum Cornwall and Little Horse lock up in a collar and elbow tie-up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall with a side headlock. He grips his hands together and grinds his forearm into Little Horse’s temple.
Cornwall takes Little Horse over into a side headlock takedown. He puts pressure on Little Horse until he is able to pin his shoulders to the mat
…ONE!
…Joey Little Horse grabs him in a headscissors!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse grabs Cornwall by the hair, and takes him over into a snap mare.
Phillip Blauer: Veteran maneuver.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse grabs a reverse chinlock. He sticks his knee in Callum’s back while gripping his neck tight.
The fans boo as Joey Little Horse flattens out his body to put more pressure against the back of Cornwall’s head and neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse continuing to wear down “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall with that reverse chinlock. Trying to slow the younger wrestler down early.
Joey Little Horse applies a body scissors with the reverse chinlock. He chokes off Cornwall’s air, while not allowing him to get any new breaths with his legs clamping down on the back of his ribs. The fans chant “SQUID! SQUID! SQUID!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall scoots over to the ropes, and hooks one, so Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson forces Joey Little Horse to break the reverse chinlock body scissors.
Joey Little Horse catches Squid coming in and scoops him up and bodyslams him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse irish whips Cornwall into the ropes, but The Salford Squid comes back with a running leg lariat!
The crowd comes to life! Callum Cornwall grabs Little Horse’s leg and applies a spinning toehold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie Richardson checks in to see if Little Horse wants to give up already.
Phillip Blauer: Nonsense he is a mix of Cherokee and mighty Choctaw.
The Dublin fans start singing
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green!
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall gives his leg another twist, bending his calf towards the rest of his body. Joey Little Horse reaches up and grabs him into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…Callum Cornwall rolls out into an armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Salford Squid turned that inside cradle into an armbar. He yanks up Little Horse’s arm while keeping his knee against his back. This was an event where Cornwall’s trainer “Rage” David Sadler was well known. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2008, he won the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship from the late Adrian Tanner Jr. in an English Rage in Belfast match. At Kilroy Evans Presents Irish Rage in Belfast 2009, he wrestled Robert Hunglestien III to a time limit draw.
Joey Little Horse has fought his way back to his feet with Callum Cornwall still holding on to the armbar. Squid clamps down on it, twisting his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse uses his armbarred arm to hip toss Callum Cornwall to the mat!
Little Horse applies a European ¾ nelson, with a half nelson hammerlock. He pulls up on Cornwall’s chicken winged arm, while pressing down on the back of his neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall looking for an escape out of the European ¾ nelson, but thus far has been flummoxed.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks Cornwall if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head. Joey Little Horse converts it into a full nelson
Phillip Blauer: Finally, a united full nelson. Warms the cockles of my heart.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse locks those fingers together and pushes Squid’s chin into his chest. He begins thrashing him from side to side, so to not let Cornwall gets a vertical base.
Phillip Blauer: Another smart move, from the sexy Indian.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse puts him in a front facelock, but before he can DDT him, Callum Cornwall flips him into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Callum Cornwall pulls down his kneepad, popping the Dublin crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall takes a few steps and Muscle Killer knee drops Little Horse’s knee cap!
Little Horse howls in pain and clutches his knee. Callum Cornwall grabs his leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab, getting loud cheers from the rowdy fans who start singing
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall sits low, pulling back on his leg, trying to hyperextend the knee.
The fans chant “SQUID! SQUID! SQUID!” Joey Little Horse does a push up, tucks his head, rolls through with a single leg boston crab of his own and the audience jeers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse counters with a half crab of his own! Now it’s The Squid that is trying to hold on as El Exotico bends him in half.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks The Salford Squid if he wants to tap out, but he shakes his head. Callum Cornwall finally crawls over to the ropes and grabs the bottom rope. Richie Richardson makes Joey Little Horse release the single leg boston crab
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall walks over but Joey Little Horse grabs him in the stomach with an abdominal claw.
Phillip Blauer: Ah yes, the ancient Native American torture tactics, passed down from generations.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, he’s from Charlotte.
Joey Little Horse squeezes Cornwall’s stomach with his hand, putting him down on one knee. El Exotico hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse cracks Callum Cornwall in the side of the head with a knee lift. He scoops him up for a bodyslam, but The Squid small packages him on the way down!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall lifts Little Horse up onto his shoulders and then flips into a rolling fireman’s carry slam.
Callum Cornwall applies a sleeper hold while Joey Little Horse is on the mat. He thrashes him from side to side, cutting off his oxygen
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall now grinding that sleeper hold on Little Horse, trying to wear him down.
Joey Little Horse starts to fade so Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson tests his arm. El Exotico keeps his arm up and the match continues
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse now on his feet while The Salford Squid hangs on to that sleeper hold. Little Horse drops to his knees and shoots the top of his head through Callum Cornwall’s chin!
The fans boo, and Joey Little Horse limps a little as he grabs Cornwall by the wrist and pulls him into a shortarm clothesline
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse does an amatuer wrestling cross body, with his leg entangled with Cornwall, and pressing his body across The Squid’s chest, trying for a pin
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse applies a double arm bar. He locks his hands together, and pulling Callum’s arms towards each other, putting pressure on his elbows.
Little Horse stands facing The Salford Squid, with both his arms locked. Richie Richardson asks Cornwall but he shakes his head. The crowd gets restless and starts singing
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall headbutts Little Horse in the face to escape the double arm bar. He double underhook snap suplexes Joey!
The audience cheers as Joey Little Horse sits up from the impact. Callum Cornwall tries to shake some feeling back into his left arm. Little Horse rolls to his hands and knees, but The Salford Squid grabs him from behind with an ankle lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall applies an ankle lock! He stands over Joey Little Horse, twisting his foot.
The 3Arena chants “SQUID! SQUID! SQUID!” as Joey Little Horse cries out in pain. A song starts low at first, then louder and louder
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Salford Squid
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse crawling on his hands and knees towards the ropes.
Phillip Blauer: He’s almost there!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall drags him by the leg into the center of the ring! He wraps his leg around Little Horse’s leg and drops down into an on the mat version of the anklelock!
Joey Little Horse grabs his long dark blonde hair in pain as The Salford Squid torques the foot
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Salford Squid converts it into an indian deathlock.
Phillip Blauer: Hey! That is cultural appropriation.
The Dublin fans cheer wildly! Callum Cornwall leans back on Joey Little Horse’s twisted legs, causing El Exotico to cry out in agony. Richie Richardson checks in but Joey refuses to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse wiggles on his belly until he is able to grab the bottom rope.
The cheers turn to jeers and Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson calls for the break. Callum Cornwall waits for Joey Little Horse to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall runs and rocks Joey Little Horse with a european uppercut!
Crowd: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse responds with a tomahawk chop to the chest! He punches Cornwall between the eyes with a big right hand.
Crowd: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall fires back with a european uppercut.
Crowd: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse slugs Squid with a right cross to the jaw. He hits Cornwall with another blistering tomahawk chop to Cornwall’s lily white pectoral, leaving a huge hand print!
Crowd: Boo!
Joey Little Horse: “I don’t fear you, come on!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey hits him with a forearm to the jaw.
Crowd: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall hits back with an elbow.
Crowd: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse answers with his own elbow to the temple of Callum Cornwall.
Crowd: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse lights Callum Cornwall up with a tomahawk to the chest!
Crowd: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another one!
Crowd: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: And another tomahawk chop to the chest, leaving Callum’s chest bright red!
Crowd: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall spins around and hits Joey Little Horse in the mouth with a discus elbow smash!
The 3Arena lets out a deafening pop, and chants “SQUID! SQUID! SQUID!” then they start singing Salford Squid to the tune of 7 Nation Army
SALFORD SQ-Ui-DDDD!!!
SALFORD SQ-Ui-DDDD!!!
SALFORD SQ-Ui-DDDD!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The first match for the Hardkore California Championship is an instant classic! He flips into a pele kick that catches Joey Little Horse right between the eyes!
Joey Little Horse falls on his hands and knees, and Callum Cornwall backs up into the opposite corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall gets a running start and penalty kicks Joey Little Horse!
The audience lets out a loud “OH!” at the sound of the impact on Little Horse’s head. The Salford Squid applies a tazmission
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Rage of Sadler! The Squid clamps down on Little Horse’s windpipe while rocking back on his head and neck.
The crowd leaps to their feet! Joey Little Horse frantically waves his arms, trying to grab the ropes. The Dublin fans chant “SQUID! SQUID! SQUID!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall rolls onto his back, and chokes Little Horse in The Rage of Sadler! Joey Little Horse twists to his side, and gets near the edge of the ring.
Richie Richardson asks Joey Little Horse if he wants to submit but doesn’t get much of an answer. The audience is emphatic for El Exotico to tap as Joey Little Horse inches towards the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse grabs the bottom rope and Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson forces Cornwall to release The Rage of Sadler!
The 3Arena is awash with jeers. Callum Cornwall pulls Joey Little Horse up into a half nelson hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now Callum Cornwall with the European ¾ nelson, but Little Horse slips out of it, and tattoos The Squid with a tomahawk chop!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining!”
Another tomahawk chop from Joey Little Horse backs Callum Cornwall into the ropes. Little Horse irish whips Squid into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse catches “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall with a tiltawhirl suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Joey Little Horse comes up behind Cornwall, and threads both of his arms through his own legs. He pulls back on Callum’s wrist
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Indian Crotch Hold! Joey Little Horse yanks on Cornwall’s arms, putting pressure on his back and neck as well.
Richie Richardson asks Callum if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head. The Salford Squid tuck his head and rolls through, holding on to Little Horse’s hands
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall hops onto the middle of the second rope and jumps off with a springboard enzuigiri!
The crowd comes to life! Joey Little Horse holds the side of his head. Callum Cornwall clutches his arm, trying to shake some feeling into it. He winces as he pulls down his kneepad again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another Muscle Killer on the way. He takes a few steps and drives his knee down, but Joey Little Horse rolls out of the way!
The Salford Squid holds his knee and rolls around on the canvas. The audience boos as Joey Little Horse gets up to his feet. He starts gyrating his hips as the jeers and heckling gets louder and louder
Phillip Blauer: Let him cook!
Joey Little Horse spinning toe holds Callum Cornwall’s leg and then drops down into a figure four leglock. The Dublin fans boo and The Salford Squid sits up in pain. Little Horse takes the opportunity to grab both of Cornwall’s arms in a double arm bar
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Indian Standoff!! Callum Cornwall doesn’t have an appendage that isn’t in pain right now!
Richie Richardson asks Cornwall if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head. Joey Little Horse clamps down on the leg crossed over Squid’s knee, while tightening his grip on the two arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall trying to hold on in front of this UK crowd, but escape seems impossible!
Callum Cornwall hesitantly nods his head and Richie Richardson signals for the bell! “Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the 3Arena boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse has upset Callum Cornwall for the Hardkore California Championship!
Greg Jin: “At 23 minutes 13 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson hands Joey Little Horse the Hardkore California Championship, and he embraces the title belt to his chest. Callum Cornwall holds his elbow, lying on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall was not prepared for Joey Little Horse, as he had been training for Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen…
Phillip Blauer: How do you say “boo hoo” in Salford? The champion has to be prepared for all comers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is clearly the case as Joey Little Horse has scored the biggest win of his career here on pay per view in Dublin!
Joey Little Horse dances at ringside with the Hardkore California Championship strapped around his waist, and tears in his eyes
Phillip Blauer: Just let him cook!
Guillermo O’Bannon: We are Phil, calm down.
Joey Little Horse raises his arms, soaking in the boos of the Dublin fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: The championship matches continue with our Hardkore World Tag Team titles decided in a double dog collar steel cage match between Sun and Pun vs. The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: What happens when the hottest ladies in professional bowling live in one house? You better hold on to your Gutterballs!
Gutterballs!
Phil in the living room of a spacious, palatial home. He is surrounded by attractive females all sitting on couches and standing on the staircase so as to stay in frame
Phillip Blauer: Ladies. I want you to know that you were all chosen because you are the best professional bowlers in the country, and you’re all smoke shows. You’re the hottest people that can also bowl somewhat.
They all nod
Phillip Blauer: Except for Kammy. She’s just insanely hot and dating a studio exec. So she will be bowling with bumpers for this show.
Kammy waves
Cut to Phil alone, standing against the Gutterball graphic
Phillip Blauer: Take a journey with us as we put 10 volatile, scream queens in a house, and then make them settle their disputes on the bowling lane. Slept with her man? Disrespected her on booze cruise night? You better throw some strikes, Mama! But best of all is The Pinfessional!
Phil’s voice over a shot of a giant bowling pin that you can enter and shoot a video
Phillip Blauer: Inside the Pinfessional, you can take the gloves off and tell everyone what you really think about those chaotic train wrecks you call roommates!
Cut to a contestant, Laura sitting in The Pinfessional. She seems unnerved by how cramped it is inside
Laura: The girls are all pretty nice. That host guy is super sketch though.
Cut to a different contestant Jessica in The Pinfessional
Jessica: That host guy told me there was a mandatory cast party at what wound up being his hotel room. When I get there he was the only person there. He kept saying everyone was late but he gave me crazy man vibes so I bailed.
Cut to another contestant, Jaime
Jaime: I don’t understand why the host has to live with us too? Like does Chris Harrison actually live at The Bachelor Pad?
Cut back to Phil. Standing in front of the graphic
Phillip Blauer: Catfight! Meow! Get out the milk and sausage. This season on Gutterballs!!
Open on Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. making sure the steel cage surrounding the ring is sturdy on all sides
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight we’re gonna have a war in the cage, The Anointed vs. Sun & Pun locked together with dog collars.
Phillip Blauer: Nasty business we’re in, isn’t it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed kicked Marty out of his own group in the Seattle WarGames match, so when Wesley Crane turned on Dan Stein in Sacramento, he couldn’t see what happened to him in Seattle happen to his old tag team partner.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, real selfless guy. A real…a real…
Guillermo O’Bannon: You don’t know any selfless guys, do you?
Phillip Blauer: It’ll come to me! Linus!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’d rip your throat out if you took his blanket.
Phillip Blauer: There’s gotta be someone. Who was on ER?
Guillermo O’Bannon: So Marty came down to even the odds, albeit hesitantly. Tonight he gets a chance at revenge against the man who kicked him out of The Anointed, and the man that did nothing about it, Wesley Crane. Dan Stein will be locked together with Wesley Crane, the partner he was willing to go it alone with, but stabbed him in the back to remain with The Anointed. They have split the tag team titles and now the winning team will reclaim the half they lost in Sacramento. Crane and Alexander Von Blankenship plan to prove that The Anointed is better with them in control with some new blood.
“Joker And The Thief” by Wolfmother plays and the Dublin audience leaps to their feet. Disney’s Marty Donovan walks out dressed as Daredevil with the XHF World Tag Team Championship around his waist. Dan Stein walks out dressed as The Punisher, both with the dog collars around their necks
Phillip Blauer: If Marty thinks coming out dressed as The Flash is going to scare The Anointed, he’s one sandwich short of a picnic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Daredevil.
Phillip Blauer: Sure, it may be daring, but it’s not going to work.
Marty poses like Daredevil while Dan Stein walks to the ring. Donovan then walks forward and walks right off the ramp but Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. catches him before he falls to the concrete
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty apparently got an authentic costume, complete with no eye-holes. Dan Stein and Marty Donovan were multiple time SWAT World Tag Team Champions as Sun and Pun, and this was their old theme music.
Larry Valentine Jr. guides Marty through the crowd, as the fans slap and pat his back. Donovan whips his head towards them whenever it happens, saying “Who’s that??” “The Punisher Dan Stein steps through the ropes into the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan won the XHF World Tag Team titles with his girlfriend’s disapproving father, Deacon Oldham at the Sippy Cup Race for CAR by defeating Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon and the Skeletonics in a CARnal Cake match in Seven Hells, North Carolina.
Phillip Blauer: What could you have done so wrong as a father, to have your daughter date Marty? He should really speak at high schools, to warn the young dads not to make his same mistakes. You know, give back a little?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight Marty hopes to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles with Dan Stein. Stein admits up until recently, he has been doing all this under contractual obligation from Disney after using The Punisher logo for all those years, but after Marty came down and saved him from The Anointed, he realized their friendship was real after all.
Phillip Blauer: I think I’m going to be sick.
A fan holds up a sign that says “Sun & Pun Back Together Agun!” Inside the cage, Dan Stein holds up his trusty Peacemaker wooden staff inside the cage and the audience roars. Larry Valentine has gotten Marty Donovan to ringside, but Marty can’t find the door to the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty says AVB sees himself as a wolf, but he was nothing but unreliable cannon fodder Marty got to take all the punishment from guys like Kilroy, Syberus and Tuxedo Mask.
Phillip Blauer: There’s your hero.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan claims that Wesley Crane was his easiest title defense by the fact that he didn’t need The Anointed to interfere that night in San Francisco.
Phillip Blauer: Well, that’s a relief since the other half of The Anointed was in the ring that night.
Dan Stein hands his Peacemaker to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. Donnie turns to put it away but he bangs in to a blinded Marty, who grabs The Peacemaker and uses it as a walking cane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty wasn’t as angry with Wesley Crane for abandoning him at the WarGames match in Seattle. He was willing to let it slide, but after Wesley decided to remain with The Anointed by betraying someone he views as a son…
Phillip Blauer: That is older than him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein. And that, he couldn’t let slide…
Trying to find the door in the cage, Marty swings The Peacemaker around and cracks Phil in the side of the head, knocking off his headset
Phillip Blauer: Ow! Dammit, Marty!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Man, he really got you. I’m sorry about that. Dan Stein has said that he is disappointed in Crane, and that they could have had a future of the next great Hardkore World Tag Team Champions, but he has no problem taking those titles off of Wesley and his new partner, and that now The Anointed have given him a new lease on life, of ridding them from the West Coast.
Marty has finally made it inside the cage with Dan Stein, but he’s facing the wrong way. Stein advises him to lose the Daredevil costume, and Marty starts taking it off.
Yolanda Ando: Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. If you look closely at his forearms, you can see a very faint outline of what used to be skull tattoos he had removed several years ago. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. Marty Donovan wears a red speedo with the Disney Plus logo on it with Bryan Danielson style boots and kick pads with the signature Disney D on the knees. Marty has the floating lantern from Disney's Tangled tattooed on his heart.
Greg Jin: “The following is a Steel Cage Dog Collar Match for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…”THE PUNISHER” DAN STEIN!!! His partner is from The Magic Kingdom in Orlando, Florida; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 218 pounds; He is One Half of the XHF WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!! They are SUN AND PUN!!!”
Marty and Dan get a huge ovation from the Irish crowd, who begin singing
Donovan
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Donovan
He's one of our own,
He's one of our owwwwn,
Salford Squid, he's one of our own.
Then suddenly, The Arena lights turn plum purple. They begin pulsing with the beat of “I’m So Paid” by Akon. A thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant purple lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere.
“Rubbing on that Italian leather
'Dem Konvict jeans on!
Ay yo Weezy! You Ready, yeah!
I get it in 'till sunrise
Doing ninety in a sixty five
Windows rolled down screaming ah!
Hey-ey-ey' I'm so paid
Number one hustla' gettin' money
Why do you wanna count my money
I'm a hustla' and I don't need them! One of them y'all see! I'm so paid”
The lights go back to normal and out steps “The High Roller” Wesley Crane, Alexander Von Blankenship, and Hasbulla to an ugly reaction from the fans. Hasbulla has a whistle in his mouth and blows it over and over, drawing the ire of the crowd
Phillip Blauer: He may not speak our native tongue, but that little guy is saying volumes with that whistle.
AVB has a conceited smirk on his smug face while Wesley Crane stands on the stage with the Wrestle: UK World Championship around his waist, the Hardkore West Coast Championship slung over one shoulder, the Hardkore World Tag Team title belt slung over the other shoulder, and holding the Wrestle: UK British TV title in his hand. Crane looks around at all the booing fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans are well familiar with Wesley Crane after all the underhanded things he’s resorted to, to keep that Wrestle: UK World Championship. And to regain the other half of his Hardkore World, in a match that he’s upfront about being nervous about; “The High Roller” Wesley Crane went to the mountains of upstate New York, to train with his mentor, Timmy Draven.
Wesley Crane lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin. Alexander Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face. The jeers and heckling get louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Because Wesley Crane wants to show that The Anointed still run things here on the West Coast, without Marty Donovan. Alexander Von Blankenship was enraged backstage in San Jose, after “The Punisher” Dan Stein took back his Hardkore World Tag Team Championship. He says that Stein and Marty did this to themselves, and are now shirking the consequences of their actions.
Phillip Blauer: And who is better than owning up to his responsibilities than the second generation star, Alexander Von Blankenship?
AVB looks out at the ocean of middle fingers, his smirk now a scowl. “The High Roller” Wesley Crane slowly makes his way to the ring, the entire time looking around at the booing fans. Von Blankenship slowly walks towards the ring he points to the fans holding up the “Rat Boy” and “The Annoying” signs, stating loudly "I'm better than you, I’m better than you." as he goes by. Hasbulla obnoxiously blows that whistle while hyping the two up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane says after Cross Recoba defeated Marty for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, he was out as leader. He would have preferred to keep Dan Stein, but when he sided with Donovan, they decided to set him up as well at the tag team match with Kilroy and The Sheik in Sacramento. AVB is threatening Dan Stein to take something from him, to pay him back for Stein taking his belt back. Even mentioning shaving off his mustache, although I’d like to see him try.
Phillip Blauer: Never underestimate a wronged man’s appetite for revenge. It consumes us!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is this still about Tommy Milligan’s boat?
Phillip Blauer: Why won’t he invite me? I have a whole book of fish puns! He should let me go just for the halibut!
Once at ringside, Wesley Crane hands his belts to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr., and climbs up the steps. Before he enters the cage, he holds onto the ring ropes. AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, giving the cage the sign of the cross
Yolanda Ando: AVB is wearing white satin boxing trunks with blue trim. “Blessed” is written across the waist band.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Alexander Von Blankenship claims that Stein and Marty have lost their edge, and it was time for them to be replaced. He says that he, Wesley, and Steve Awesome are the young wolves to take over The Anointed, and they will prove it by reclaiming their Hardkore World Tag Team titles in this brutal, gruesome match tonight.
Crane wipes his feet off on the ring apron before entering the cage. Once inside the cage, Alexander Von Blankenship climbs the turnbuckle, looking towards the entire Dublin crowd. Crane stands in the center of the ring and holds his arms wide open, while AVB yells out "Always Very Blessed" as the jeers grow louder and trash starts to hit the ring. Von Blankenship hops down to the ring, while Dan Stein offers Crane to hook himself up to the dog collar, while Wesley just stares back at him. Hasbulla blows on his whistle on the outside in support of The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: Boy, that little guy just blew that whistle right in my ear. It’s quite a sound.
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, he gives the ring a father son and holy sport blessing before climbing the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd he yells out "Always Very Blessed" before jumping down into the ring.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, Featuring first; from Amsterdam, in The Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is The Son of The Bastard; He’s Not From The West Side, He’s Not From The East Side, He Is From The Dark Side; Always Very Blessed…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!! And his partner is from Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, The Current WRESTLE: UK BRITISH TELEVISION CHAMPION, And the reigning HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION and The WRESTLE: UK WORLD CHAMPION…“THE HIGH ROLLER” WESLEY CRANE!!! They are THE ANOINTED!!!”
The audience hits the loudest boos of the night as Hasbulla tries to drown them out with his whistle
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship
Steel Cage Dog Collar Match
The Anointed vs. Sun And Pun
Referees Tommy Milligan and Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson assist Kelly O’Connell is strapping Disney’s Marty Donovan connecting dog collar to Alexander Von Blankenship, and “The Punisher” Dan Stein’s dog collar to “The High Roller” Wesley Crane
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore officials hooking The Anointed to Sun and Pun. This match is so dangerous, and career shortening, especially regarding your neck which can be so easily wrenched the wrong way when you have a 250 pound man chained to it.
Milligan and Richardson exit the cage and Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. Alexander Von Blankenship and Marty are cautiously circle one another. Dan Stein goes towards Wesley Crane, but Crane backs up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Instead of chasing Wesley Crane, Dan Stein backs up as well, and the chain is stretched taut with these two having a tug of war, using their necks!
The Dublin fans cheer wildly as Crane and Stein back up as much as they can, trying to prove who is the stronger man. Alexander Von Blankenship grabs some of the chain and whips Marty in the arm with it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan cries out in pain, and Alexander Von Blankenship whips him with that length of chain again!
Dan Stein and Wesley Crane are red in the face as they use their sinewy necks to try and pull the other wrestler with their chain. Crane’s feet begin to slide towards Dan Stein and the fans pop
Phillip Blauer: Pull, Wes! Pull! There’s gotta be some slippery substance in that ring, probably from when Tommy Milligan laid there to make a three count.
The fans start singing Dan Stein’s name to “Seven Nation Army”
DAN ST-EIN!!!
DAN ST-EIN!!!
DAN ST-EIN!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship wraps that chain around his fist and bashes Marty in the face with it!!
Donovan goes down like a sack of potatoes. Meanwhile, Wesley Crane is sliding towards Dan Stein starts to pull him in by the chain. The fans get louder the closer Crane gets
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane trying to put the brakes on but Dan Stein is reeling him in like a marlin. He’s almost got Crane…but AVB blindsides him with a clip to the knee from behind!
The 3Arena derides The Annointed as Awesome turns and stomps Donovan. On the outside, Hasbulla blows his whistle incessantly. Alexander Von Blankenship stomps Dan Stein, as The Punisher tries to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship slaps Dan Stein right across the face!
The Dublin audience lets out an elongated “OHHHH!!” in anticipation of what is about to happen. Dan Stein blinks in confusion for a second and then glares at AVB
Phillip Blauer: That could have been a slight tactical error.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I would agree.
Alexander Von Blankenship tries to reason with the big guy, while Dan Stein snorts fire. The fans are deafening as AVB backpedals
DAN IS GONNA KILL YOU!
DAN IS GONNA KILL YOU!
DAN IS GONNA KILL YOU!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship turns tail and runs, but Marty Donovan pulls him by the chain back to the mat! Dan Stein pulls AVB up and smashes his head into the cage!!
The audience erupts as Von Blankenship flops back to the canvas! Near by, Wesley Crane punches Marty to knock him back down to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein yanks his chain, pulling Wesley Crane into a punch that knocks him into the corner.
Dan Stein grabs the ropes and rams his shoulder into Crane’s stomach. Marty Donovan pulls himself up by the ropes, as Stein thrusts another hard shoulder into the abdomen of Wesley Crane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty pulls AVB up, but a slightly bleeding Von Blankenship comes up swinging with an uppercut. He pops with another right cross, but Donovan misses a hard swing and atomic drops AVB on the turnbuckle!
The crowd cheers as Von Blankenship is perched, facing the audience. Across the ring, Wesley Crane tries to leave the corner, but Dan Stein stops him and tosses him violently back into the turnbuckles, popping the crowd by the display of anger and strength
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein just tossed Wesley Crane like he was nothing! Meanwhile, Marty Donovan has wrapped the chain around AVB’s neck while he’s crotched on the top turnbuckle, facing the fans. Donovan pulls him off the top rope with a neckbreaker using the chain!!
The Dublin audience voices their approval as Von Blankenship rolls around the mat, clutching his neck. Dan Stein takes the dog collar chain and wraps it around the back of the corner post of the corner that Wesley Crane is in, and then backs up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane tries to go after Dan, but Stein backing up is making the chain threaded around that ring post, pull Crane back into the corner!
The audience cheers at the position Crane is in, as Stein uses his entire body weight to back up, and choke Wesley with his own dog collar by virtue of it trying to pull Crane into the ringpost. The boisterous fans start signing
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan irish whips AVB into the ropes and takes him out with a rolling wheel kick! Mercifully, Dan Stein stops backing up and leaning back and allows Crane to get out of the corner a little.
Wesley Crane finally gets enough breath to yell “You sonofabitch!” and then Dan backs up so hard, the chain pulls Crane into the turnbuckle face first! The Dublin audience cheers while Hasbulla blows his whistle repeatedly in protest outside the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, he changed his mind. Meanwhile, Marty Donovan takes a length of that chain and tries to whip AVB over the head, but Von Blankenship does a tumble underneath of it. He comes out the other side, and slugs Donovan in the teeth.
Alexander Von Blankenship scoops Donovan up and drops him into a shoulder beaker. He walks up behind Stein and rakes his fingernails across Dan’s eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB returns the favor and smashes Dan Stein’s face into the steel cage!!
The audience boos as Hasbulla excitedly toots on his whistle triumphantly by the announcers. Alexander Von Blankenship helps unravel the chain from around the ringpost, freeing Wesley Crane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane wraps that chain around his hand, and then punches Stein between the eyes with it!!
Dan Stein comes up bleeding. AVB returns to Marty Donovan and whips him in the head with the dog collar chain
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane wraps that chain around Dan Stein’s eyes and then pushes down on it! Those chain links digging into the eyes and sockets of his former tag team partner not two months ago.
Dan Stein cries out in pain. In the center of the ring, Alexander Von Blankenship scoops Donovan up into a backbreaker. Crane wraps the chain around Stein’s eyes again, and this time pulls up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane garroting that chain around Stein’s head and eyes, trying to break open his skull like a watermelon!
Blood begins to seep through the links in the chain, as Stein stomps his heels into the mat in pain. A bleeding Alexander Von Blankenship comes over and lays a couple of kicks to Stein’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB gets on top of Dan Stein and bludgeons him with punches, trying to open that cut up even more.
Alexander Von Blankenship stands up, but Marty pulls on his chain so that it goes up through his legs behind, right up his balls! The impact, and pain, flips him over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley tries to intervene, but Marty grabs him and inverted atomic drops him. He wraps the chain around his arm, hits the ropes and smashes Wesley in the face with a flying forearm!
The 3Arena cheers and starts chanting “MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!” A bloody Dan Stein pulls himself up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein presses Wesley Crane over his head!
The fans roar and take flash pictures as Wesley Crane demands to be put down
Phillip Blauer: Put him down! Do you know how many title divisions depend on this man?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He throws Crane headfirst into the steel cage!!
Wesley Crane awkwardly lands, covering his forehead, as blood seeps through his fingers. Marty Donovan uses AVB’s dog collar to snapmare him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan hits the ropes and basement dropkicks the back of Von Blankenship’s head! Dan Stein pulls Wesley Crane up into a full nelson.
Dan Stein locks his fingers together and pushes Crane’s head into his chest. Kelly O’Connell asks Crane if he wants to give up but he refuses
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein has a long history here at Irish Rage. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2005, Dan lost to “The White Chapel Horror” Lucifer Jones in a blue bar steel cage match. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2006, at the first Sadistic Madness Match, Dan defeated the late Adrian Tanner Jr. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2007, Stein lost the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship to Syberus. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2008, “The Punisher” Dan Stein lost to Paul Soutter in a Powerslam Match, losing his manager Domino to him.
Marty Donovan comes over and takes a few free shots at Wesley Crane while he’s in the full nelson. Stein releases him, and Marty Donovan rolls him into a neckbreaker. The fans start singing
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan goes for a suplex, but AVB blocks it with his calf. Von Blankenship plants his feet and reverses the suplex, dropping Donovan’s feet on the top rope for a slingshot suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein stomps the back of Alexander Von Blankenship’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein goes to run into the ropes, but he is pulled back violently by his dog collar while Wesley Crane holds onto the chain!!
The fans boo and start chanting “WANKER! WANKER! WANKER!” Alexander Von Blankenship cracks a smirk, and does a jerk off motion, making the heckling even louder. Hasbulla blows on his whistle at ringside
Phillip Blauer: Why must they hate what they don’t understand?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship gets on top of Marty’s back and applies a camel clutch with the chain in Marty Donovan’s mouth!!
Wesley Crane whips Dan Stein in the side of the face with a length of chain! Donovan shrieks in agony as a sadistic AVB pulls back on the chain, cutting into Marty’s lips and raking across his teeth
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is AVB’s second Irish Rage. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, he teamed with the man he’s giving that gruesome camel clutch to, Marty, and they were eliminated in the first round of the Hardkore World Tag Team title tournament by Eron Hunter and Ruben Bowman after some interference by The Society of the New Breed.
Phillip Blauer: Great partner Marty turned out to be.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane wraps that chain around Dan Stein’s eyes again, and then again around his mouth. Crane punches the chain!
Stein clutches his face as blood leaks all over the canvas. He gets somewhat to his feet but Wesley Crane comes off the ropes with a european uppercut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell asksing Marty if he wants to give up but he is refusing to tap out to that camel clutch with the chain in his mouth. Crane backs Stein into the turnbuckles, and then gives him a running knee in the stomach.
Alexander Von Blankenship releases the camel clutch, and then pulls Marty to his feet. He rakes Donovan’s head from side to side, across the steel mesh, shredding Donovan’s forehead
Phillip Blauer: AVB using the cage as a cheese grater. Marty was the only one not bleeding, I guess he didn’t want his former boss to feel left out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane backs up and charges in with another knee, but Stein moves out of the way, and The High Roller crashes into the turnbuckles knee first!
The fans come to life as Dan Stein furiously stomps Crane until he’s lying in the corner. He steps on Wesley’s throat, and uses the ropes for balance while he chokes him. The crowd chants “DAN! DAN! DAN!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein grabs Alexander Von Blankenship from behind with a rear waistlock, and drops him with a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship rolls his shoulder up!
The Dublin fans start singing
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green!
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein wraps that chain around his fist and pummels Wesley Crane in the corner, making him an even more bloody mess!
Marty Donovan is trying to climb to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. Alexander Von Blankenship climbs up behind him, getting on the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan and AVB now standing on the top turnbuckle, and Marty Donovan pops him in the face with a right hand. Von Blankenship fires back with a chop to his chest.
Alexander Von Blankenship holds on to the top of the cage and blasts him with another reverse knife edge chop.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan ducks another chop, and smashes Von Blankenship’s head onto the top of the cage!!
A dazed AVB tries to wander off, and crotches himself on the top rope! The fans celebrate his painful condition
Phillip Blauer: That could affect the bloodline.
AVB’s eyes cross as he dangles on the top rope while Hasbulla whistles repeatedly in protest. A busted open Marty Donovan somersaults off the top rope, and that causes the chain to yank Von Blankenship down with Marty
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein lifts Crane up in a suplex and leaves him up there!
The Dublin crowd is on their feet as Stein lets all the blood rush to Wesley Crane’s head and then drops him in a jumping vertical suplex. A blood drenched Crane sits up from the impact. Marty Donovan grabs AVB in a front facelock and climbs to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan jumps off with a tornado DDT, but Von Blankenship reverses it into a spinebuster!
The 3Arena boos as Alexander Von Blankenship wraps the chain around Dan Stein’s neck, ties up their legs and then snaps back into a russian leg sweep
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein holds the back of his head, while Alexander untangles all the chains around them both. AVB grabs Marty Donovan and snap suplexes him to the mat.
Wesley Crane crawls over to Dan Stein and starts forcing some of the chain links into his mouth as the jeers get louder
Phillip Blauer: Wes’ biggest complaint during their partnership was Dan didn’t eat enough iron.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardy, har, har. Wesley Crane now closing Stein’s mouth and punching him over and over.
Alexander Von Blankenship wraps the chain around his fist and steps up to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB jumps off the second rope with a chain fistdrop that catches Marty right between the eyes!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane wraps the chain around Dan Stein’s neck and applies a dragon sleeper. He sits low, nearly bending The Punisher in half, while using that chain to strangle his ex-partner!
Alexander Von Blankenship takes a free shot and gives Dan Stein another stiff slap getting a big “OH!” from the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like a coward, AVB waiting until Dan Stein is helpless to slap him in the face.
Phillip Blauer: Sure, have you seen him? His chest hair has chest hair.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship scoops Marty up and fallaway slams Donovan into the cage wall!!
The crowd lets out another “OH!” as Marty Donovan slides down the chain link fence. On the outside, a jubilant Hasbulla jumps up and down, blasting his whistle. Inside the cage, Kelly O’Connell asks Dan Stein if he wants to give up to the dragon sleeper Wesley Crane has applied, but Stein stops answering
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell tests Dan Stein’s arm, but he keeps it up! Dan Stein begins to try to power out of the dragon sleeper, but Von Blankenship comes over and stomps him.
Alexander Von Blankenship turns around into a springboard front missile dropkick from Disney Marty Donovan that pops the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein muscles his way out of the inverted facelock and gets to his feet! He grabs Wesley by the chain and swings him in the air, facefirst into the cage!! Look at the power!
The Dubin fans are shocked at the display of strength and chant “DAN!! DAN!! DAN!!” He catches an incoming AVB with a discus clothesline
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein scoops Wesley Crane up and walks over the corner. Dan races to the center of the ring with a running powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship stomps the back of his head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan charges AVB, but Alexander ducks and Marty floats over into a sunset flip!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out but Marty converts it into an anklelock!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tinto’s Trap! He stands over Alexander Von Blankenship twisting his foot.
Dan Stein fireman’s carries Crane up on his shoulders and sits him on the top turnbuckle. He wraps Crane’s legs around the rope and then climbs to the second turnbuckle. Alexander Von Blankenship bleeds all over the mat as he tries to crawl to the ropes while Donovan cranks that anklelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan wraps his legs around AVB’s leg and drops down to the mat with the Tinto’s Trap! Marty trying to win another dog collar match like he did at Kilroy Evans Presents Irish Rage in Belfast 2009, when he successfully defended his Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship against Aaron Rupp. Athis first Irish Rage in Belfast 2006, he regained the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight title from “Platinum” Pat Bozzini in a barbed wire match. Next year, at Irish Rage in Belfast 2007, he and Dougie Ray Bullet were having a ladder match for the Hardkore Nippon Junior Heavyweight title when Jagi Shiro inserted himself and got the belt himself.
Phillip Blauer: And we just allowed that to happen??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Those were wild times. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2008, Marty defeated “Lonewolf” Daniel Gafet. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2012, Marty Donovan lost his Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship to Bruno in a ladder match.
Dan Stein drops down, but hangs onto the chain, pulling Wesley downwards by the head and neck while Crane’s legs are still wrapped around the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein bending Wesley Crane in half, using the dog collar as a guillotine! Marty Donovan rolls on the mat in that Tinto’s Trap ankle lock, while a blood pink stained haired AVB tries to hang on!
Alexander Von Blankenship rolls over and kicks Marty with his free leg, and escapes the ankle lock. He staggers to his feet and uses the chain to pull Marty into a superkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
He hops onto the middle of the second rope and hits a springboard leg drop to the suspended Dan Stein!!
The 3Arena rocks with boos and the fans chant “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” Wesley Crane stands up on the top turnbuckle with the chain wrapped around his elbow
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane comes off the top with a flying elbow using that chain on Dan Stein!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship pulls Marty’s head into his legs, and flips Donovan up on his shoulder, and then drops him on his head with a Desecrated barry white driver!!
Wesley Crane wraps the chain around Dan Stein’s neck and then grabs him around the head, kicking his legs out into an RKO
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane uses that chain to help with his HRKO!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship wraps the chain around his fist and climbs up on the second turnbuckle. He aims his fist, but Marty yanks on the chain and AVB loses his balance and falls to the mat!
The crowd cheers wildly and they both lie next to one another, exhausted. Dan Stein climbs back up to his feet. Wesley Crane looks to nail him with a spear
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane comes 100 miles per hour with that spear but Dan Stein catches him with an edgecution lifting DDT!
“The Punisher” Dan Stein stands up like a shot and looks around the 3Arena with wild eyes and blood running down to his chest. The fans are deafening as they call for Stein to dish out some pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein throws Wesley Crane over the top rope into the cage!!
The Dublin audience lets out a collective “OH!!” at the sound of Crane’s skull hitting the chain link fence. A crimson masked Marty Donovan slowly gets to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein now hanging Crane over the top rope with the chain, sticking his knee in his back!
The crowd erupts as Wesley’s eyes bug out of his skull, and his face is a bloody mess. AVB gets to his feet, and Marty hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan goes for the Dis-Knee but AVB throws a fist full of white powder in his face, blinding him!
Donovan staggers around in darkness, and walks right into the human torture rack. Dan Stein has his back turned while hanging Wesley Crane with the dog collar. Alexander Von Blankenship drops Donovan on his head in a burning hammer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Omnipotence!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“Blessed Up” by Wande plays and the fans groan. Dan Stein hears the bell and drops Crane, thinking they won. Referees Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson, Tommy Milligan, and Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. rush into the cage to detach the participants from their dog collars
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 30 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE ANOINTED!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan looked like he was about to put AVB away before Von Blankenship threw whatever that was in his eyes.
Alexander Von Blankenship and Wesley Crane look hand dipped in blood as Kelly O’Connell hands them their Hardkore World Tag Team title belts.
Phillip Blauer: My monitor must have blinked out, I’m gonna have to put a ticket in for Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. to check it out
Dan Stein charges after them as they escape through the cage door, but is cut off by the ropes. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of a white baggie on the ring apron that says “White House stuff”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is that what AVB threw at Marty??
Phillip Blauer: If so, that would be a fortune. We should be honored he thinks to waste that much good blow on a match in Ireland for Pete’s sake.
Dan Stein and Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. check on Marty, who is sitting up and slowly getting his vision back. A heavily bandaged Steve Awesome meets Alexander Von Blankenship and Wesley Crane and an obnoxiously whistling Hasbulla at the top of the ramp, and celebrates with the new Hardkore World Tag Team Champions
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a horrible way to keep the Hardkore World Tag Team titles within The Anointed. If a cage and dog collars weren’t enough, we had to try and blind a man too?
Phillip Blauer: Don’t expect any quarter from the wolf pack once you turn your back on it. There was never a doubt in my mind.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They may have won this battle, but there is enough between these four men that you can be sure that won’t be the last title match between them.
Open on Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. taking down the ring while Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. tries fruitlessly to mop up the blood on the canvas. The crowd starts singing
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a dog collar cage match that was, but now we have our main event! This goes back to February, when Cross Recoba took umbrage with The Sooner Squeeze Challenge that Kalmin Watts had been doing for months for charity. He had his lawyers issue an injunction to Anthony Jordan at a house show in Oakland to prevent The Sooner Squeeze Challenge.
Phillip Blauer: Thank goodness. All that good he was doing for those less fortunate was not worth the infringement on intellectual property.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That lead to their match where Cross tricked referee Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson into disqualifying Kalmin in Portland, Oregon, but if that hadn’t happened it looked as though things were going Kalmin’s way.
Phillip Blauer: And if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle. Cross Recoba was merely playing mind games with the big meathead out of boredom. Observations like that are why I would make an amazing B squad announcer for Tap Out, the top wrestling territory on the West Coast!
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. The 3Arena cheers as Kalmin Watts walks out from behind the curtain with Anthony Jordan in tow
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans recently saw Kalmin Watts lose the Wrestle: UK British Television Championship to “The High Roller” Wesley Crane last month in London at Royal Albert Hall.
Phillip Blauer: In Jolly Old England!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jesus, I’m talking, Phil! God. Crane had to use the title belt to win, but Watts can’t worry about that now. He’s got a big opportunity ahead of him here tonight against Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba. He’s proud of getting this shot and wants to make the most of it.
Kalmin Watts jogs down to the ring. The Dublin fans reach out to touch him as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and Anthony Jordan struggle to hold them back
Phillip Blauer: Hold the perimeter, Larry!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has had some bumps along the road as of late, both here in the UK and back in the West Coast. But this is his first year in the business and he has learned from each experience with the help of his manager, Anthony Jordan.
Phillip Blauer: You mean the shyster with his hand in Watts’ pocket? What’s that freeloader going to tell him? That he’s gonna have to pick up the check again tonight at supper?
Kalmin Watts slaps as many fans hands as he can, but the people are craning forward, desperate to make contact with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts feels at home at Hardkore World, and the people here in Dublin and on the West Coast have accepted him as one of their own. He says the belt needs to be on someone who loves Hardkore World as opposed to someone like Cross Recoba.
Phillip Blauer: Cross has sampled these people’s wares and is not a fan. One can hardly blame him.
Kalmin Watts gets to ringside and looks at the ring for a moment, taking in the gravity of the moment. Anthony Jordan pats his shoulder and gives him some encouragement
Yolanda Ando: Kalmin Watts is wearing an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Kalmin doesn’t believe Cross will even try to put the Garibaldi’s Guillotine on him here tonight in Dublin.
Phillip Blauer: Reverse psychology? That’ll never work.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we saw, Kalmin has been training hard in the gym for this match, letting the locals watch his work outs. We’ll see if it all pays off with his first World Championship victory.
Kalmin Watts steps through the ropes and jogs in place while Anthony Jordan loosens him up in the corner. The crowd starts singing again
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect interrupts their singing as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. The Dublin fans boo as out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The High Caliber Wrestling Diamond title is draped over his shoulder and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship is strapped around his waist. The crowd responds with a shower of boos
Phillip Blauer: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion makes his grand entrance at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!
Guillermo O’Bannon: This will be his first pay-per-view as champion, and he intends on walking out of here with that belt tonight.
Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the jeering audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba comes in here with the confidence of a man who has defeated Kalmin Watts, albeit by hinky disqualification, before. He says that the spotlight will wilt Watts as it has before in England.
Cross holds up the cane and gets nearly blown back by the vitriol from the Irish fans. He sneers and begins down the ramp still holding the cane aloft. He passes middle fingers and signs that says “Fuck Cross!” and “I Came To See Cross Get Stretched”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba claims that despite Kalmin Cross being stronger and more powerful, he lacks the intellectual acumen that it takes to be a World Champion like he is.
Phillip Blauer: That’s great advice. Like those people on Shark Tank you sometimes have to say, “You can already get dog treats at the store, and it doesn’t take a subscription and an app to do it.” Sometimes you just have to tell people they have a bad idea.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck, then he sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron
Phillip Blauer: Like on most subjects, Cross and I agree when it comes to that parasite, Tony Jordan. He adds nothing to the package other than he keeps away rats with that Ben Gay knee smell.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Would you stop? Recoba says he will be able to out work and out maneuver the former Wrestle: UK British TV Champion and that the rookie is out of his depth here in a pay per view title shot.
With a wipe of his feet, Recoba slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder. Carl Valentine Jr. rings the bell and the lights drop, and a spotlight hits ring announcer Greg Jin in the center of the ring
Greg Jin: “The following match is the Main Event of Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!”
The Dublin fans give him a big ovation
Greg Jin: “It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is for the HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager, ‘The Role Model’ Anthony Jordan; He is from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is The Master of The Sooner Squeeze…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The 3Arena roars as Kalmin Watts raises his arms
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, hailing from Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall, Weighing in at 230 pounds; The Box Office Smash of the XHF Network, He is The CEO of Tap Out Wrestling and The HCW Diamond Champion. The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The boos rain down as Cross gives them another mocking bow and then hands his two championship belts to Tommy Milligan. Milligan holds up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Cross Recoba vs. Kalmin Watts
Milligan signals for the bell and the fans cheer as Kalmin Watts and Cross Recoba circle one another nervously. The crowd starts clapping and singing
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!
Ole! Ole!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross and Kalmin lock up, and Watts immediately gets the advantage and turns it into a wristlock. Both men jockeying for position.
Cross Recoba’s knees begin buckling as Kalmin Watts pushes him. The fans cheer as Watts exerts as much pressure as he can until Recoba is nearly at a full bridge
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba tries to straighten back up, and eventually gets to a vertical base, and abandons the wristlock for a headlock.
The fans boo Cross being in control while he hangs on for dear life from a bucking Kalmin Watts. Recoba sneaks in a little punch to Watts’ face, then reapplies the headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba takes him over into a side headlock takedown. He locks his hands together and clamps down on the head and neck of Watts.
Anthony Jordan yells instructions over to Kalmin who looks for an escape. Cross presses Watts’ shoulders to the mat.
…ONE!
…Kalmin Watts rolls Cross Recoba into a cradle!
…ONE!
…Cross Recoba rolls back into the headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba continuing to grind that headlock while keeping the big man on the mat.
Kalmin Watts works his way to his feet while Cross hangs on to the headlock. Watts slips his head out and grabs a hammerlock on Recoba
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts now with the chicken wing on Cross’ arm. He cinches up on the wrist, trying to hyperextend Recoba’s elbow.
Watts grabs Recoba in a rear waistlock, and then performs a go behind takedown. Watts presses Recoba forward, while gets his positioning with his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin keeps Recoba down with his amateur wrestling skills. Recoba works his way into a sitting position while Watts hangs onto that rear waistlock.
Cross Recoba gets to his feet while Watts still has a good grip on him in the waistlock. Recoba gets his arms in between Kalmin’s arms and peels his arm away enough to grab Watts’ wrist and twist his arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gives Watts’ arm another twist, and then drops down into a fujiwara armbar.
Recoba puts pressure on the back of Watts’ elbow, while pulling up on Kalmin’s forehead. The fans start singing Kalmin Watts’ name to the tune of Seven Nation Army
“KALMIN…
WA-TTS!!!
KALMIN…
WA-TTS!!!
KALMIN…
WA-TTS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba cranks up on Kalmin Watts’ arm some more, grinding his shoulder with his body weight. He turns it into a hammerlock.
Cross pulls up on Kalmin Watts’ wrist. Tommy Milligan checks in but Kalmin shakes his head, and then works his way into a sitting position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts reaches up and takes him over into a snapmare. He pulls Recoba’s arms back into a surfboard.
Cross Recoba cries out in pain as Watts yanks back on his arms with his knees in the small of his back. He slowly fights his way back to a vertical base while Watts holds on to both of his hands
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba takes him over into an arm drag! Another one takes Watts to the mat, and then the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion grabs an armbar.
The Dublin fans boo. Recoba sticks his knee into Watts’ shoulder and clamps down on his arm. Anthony Jordan shouts out instructions to Kalmin from ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts now on his feet while Cross continues to apply that armbar. Recoba twists that arm, putting Watts down to one knee.
Anthony Jordan slaps the apron over and over and the audience starts to chant “KALMIN! KALMIN! KALMIN!” Watts starts to feed off the energy, and pumps his fist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts plants his feet and uses his armbarred arm to hip toss Cross Recoba across the ring!
The 3Arena erupts in cheers! Cross sits in the corner and signals for Kalmin Watts to slow down. The fans start to sing
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green!
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green,
Stand up for the boys in green!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs Cross Recoba and shoots him into the ropes. He backdrops Cross Recoba nearly into the lights!
The crowd lets out an ear splitting pop! Cross Recoba lands hard on the mat, and signals for a time out. Tommy Milligan pleads with him that he isn’t authorized to give him one
Phillip Blauer: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion should be able to demand a time out when he needs one. When is the next competition committee vote?
Kalmin Watts moves in and Cross Recoba rolls out of the ring. The cheers turn to jeers as Cross Recoba shakes some feeling into his arm while he walks around ringside. The fans chant “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” Cross walks over to a particularly unruly fan and challenges him to cross the guardrail.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on. What does this prove?
Phillip Blauer: It proves that our World Champion would absolutely dog walk that ruddy gentleman.
Cross Recoba begs the red haired fan to step over the railing and give him permission to assault him. Anthony Jordan finally walks over and grabs Cross Recoba by the shoulder to stop him from hitting the guy. Cross Recoba whips around and glares at Anthony. The audience boos louder
Phillip Blauer: Tony Bologna probably made a mistake there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba walking towards Anthony Jordan!
Kalmin Watts is now at ringside and walks up behind Anthony Jordan. Cross Recoba stops in his tracks as Jordan ducks behind Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops him up and bodyslams Recoba on the concrete!
The audience cheers as Cross Recoba arches his back in pain! Kalmin Watts pulls Recoba up by the hair and rolls him back into the ring. He slides into the ring after him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba is waiting for Watts as gets back into the ring. He moves in, but Kalmin catches him with an arm drag into an armbar.
Watts uses that power to wrench up on Cross Recoba’s trapped arm, trying to pull it out of it’s socket. Cross rolls to his feet with Kalmin maintaining the armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross reaches between Watts’ legs and lifts him up into a bodyslam to escape the armbar. Kalmin gets up right into a knife edge chop.
The audience jeers as Recoba whacks Watts in the chest again with another stiff chop. Kalmin Watts returns fire with a pectoral chop of his own
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts hits Cross with another hard chop you can hear through the 3Arena! Recoba answers with a hard right hand to the jaw! He hooks Watts up and nearly snap suplexes him out of his boots!
Cross Recoba applies an abdominal stretch and then grabs a facelock, turning it into a cobra twist. He locks his hands together, pulling sideways on Kalmin Watts’ head, tweaking his neck the wrong way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan asking Kalmin Watts if he wants to submit to the cobra twist but he refuses to give up. He slips his head out, and hip tosses his way out of the submission maneuver!
Cross runs right into a bodyslam turned into a rib breaker. He shows his strength by lifting Watts back up and hitting him with another rib breaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts lifts him for a third time and drops his ribs onto his knee. He lifts him up for a fourth time and drops his stomach across his knee for a gutbuster!
Cross Recoba holds his stomach and rolls around the mat. Watts pulls him up and butterflies his arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts double arm suplexes Cross Recoba across the ring!
The 3Arena pops at the height Cross Recoba gets across the ring. When Cross tries to get up, he tries to reason with a seething Kalmin Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs Cross Recoba in a bearhug! He clasps those hands together on the small of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion’s back, and squeezes for dear life!
Cross screams in pain as the crowd is jubilant! Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside of the ring. Watts grips his hands and constricts Recoba’s breathing. Tommy Milligan asks Recoba if he wants to give up but he shakes his head. Cross’ head begins to list to the side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts softening up those ribs for possibly The Sooner Squeeze later on in the match.
Phillip Blauer: Tommy Milligan tests Cross’ arm, but the champion keeps it up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba drills Kalmin Watts in the face with a hard right, and a second one frees him from the bearhug. He kicks Watts in the stomach, and grabs him in a headlock. Recoba runs into the middle of the ring with a bulldog!
Recoba lifts him up into an inverted facelock, and then applies a dragon sleeper. He wraps his legs around Watts’ midsection and drops down to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba leans back on that dragon sleeper! He grips those hands together and peels back on Kalmin’s head and neck.
Watts grunts in pain while Cross reclines backwards with the inverted facelock with clamping down on the body scissors. The Dublin fans start singing
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Said Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
Cross Recoba is terrified
Kalmin Watts is on fire, Kalmin Kalmin Watts is on fire on fire, Kalmin Watts is on fire
(C'mon)
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
Recoba glares at the audience, slightly selling the effect of their song. Kalmin fights his way to his feet with Cross Recoba hanging onto the dragon sleeper
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba drops down into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba rocks Watts with a european uppercut. Another one rocks the jawline of Kalmin Watts.
Phillip Blauer: Cross Recoba seizing the moment so far here tonight.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He cracks Watts with an elbow smash. Watts ducks a second one and belly to back suplexes the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion!
The crowd comes alive as Kalmin Watts recovers on the mat. Watts gets to his feet and scoops Recoba up, dropping him into a shoulderbreaker. Recoba holds his shoulder and lies on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts applies an abdominal stretch. He plants his foot and cranks back on Recoba’s arm, bending him backwards and putting pressure on his midsection.
Cross Recoba shakes his head, refusing to give up. Watts uses his superior size for extra leverage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross uses his free arm to rake his fingernails across Watts’ eyes. He hip tosses his way out of the abdominal stretch. He applies an octopus stretch!
The Dublin fans boo. Recoba pushes Watts head down with his leg, while tearing back on his trapped arm. Anthony Jordan pleads with Kalmin to hang on along with the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba converts it into a straightjacket suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba kneelifts Watts in the midsection, and then catches him with a flying headscissors into a la carretera cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Cross Recoba steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba springboards into a crossbody but Kalmin Watts catches him with a full powerslam!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
The impact bounces Kalmin Watts back up as the crowd roars! Watts flexes his muscles for the 3Arena. He picks Cross up by the hair, and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts blasts him with a big chop that knocks the champ to the mat! He grabs Recoba in a gut wrench suplex.
Kalmin irish whips him but Cross reverses it and shoots Watts into the corner. Recoba follows him in with a back elbow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba rocks Kalmin Watts in the corner with one forearm uppercut after another. Watts drops to the mat, and Cross continues to hammer him with elbow shots to the temple.
The Dublin fans boo as Cross cracks a sitting Watts with elbows. He backs up into the opposite corner on the other side of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba comes in with a cannonball but Watts moves out of the way!
The audience cheers! Cross holds his back as Kalmin Watts gets to his senses. He grabs an on the mat wristlock on Recoba
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts pushes down on Recoba’s forearm while torquing up on the champion’s elbow. He converts it into a hammerlock. Recoba gets back to his feet while Cross has his arm chicken winged. Kalmin hammerlock suplexes Cross onto his own arm!!
The ovation is loud as Recoba clutches his arm and kicks his toes into the mat. Watts picks him up into a suplex but just hangs him up there
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts has Cross up in that suplex, letting all the blood rush to his head!
Kalmin Watts puts his finger in the air with his free hand, and the crowd gets more raucous
Phillip Blauer: That’s quite enough.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At long last, Kalmin Watts drops Cross in that suplex!
The impact sits Cross Recoba up, and then back down to the mat. The fans start singing
“If you hate Cross, Stand UP!
If you hate Cross, Stand UP!
If you hate Cross, Stand UP!
If you hate Cross, Stand UP!
If you hate Cross, Stand UP!
If you hate Cross, Stand UP!”
Everyone in the 3Arena is standing up as Kalmin Watts sets him up for another suplex, but Cross blocks it. Recoba counters with an exploder ‘98 that lands Watts on his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lansky Ballroom Love Letter!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba sits on his back with a camel clutch! He sits on Watts’ back with those fingers laced underneath Kalmin’s chin.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
The Dublin fans chant “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” Recoba rocks back with Watts’s head in his hands. Anthony Jordan shouts out words of encouragement to Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba releases the camel clutch and just starts pummeling Kalmin Watts on the mat!
Cross belts Watts over and over while crouching over him. Recoba shakes his hand from hitting him so hard
Phillip Blauer: Kalmin Watts’ big advantage over everyone is his thick skull.
Cross Recoba waits for Watts to get to his feet. He gets underneath Watts with a saito suplex, but Watts slips off his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Cross up and fallaway slams him across the ring! Wow, he really got some distance on that one!
Cross Recoba lies against the ropes as the fans roar! Kalmin Watts pumps his arms, getting the crowd to cheer louder. Recoba pulls himself up by the ropes and turns around into a stomach claw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts has Recoba’s abs twisted in that stomach claw, and then picks his legs up into a spinebuster!
Kalmin Watts gets on top of Recoba’s back and wraps his legs around his waist. The fans pop and Recoba quickly crawls to the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts almost had the champ in The Sooner Squeeze!
Phillip Blauer: Ah yes, but Cross brilliantly got to the ropes to nullify it. That’s using the old grape.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts stands in a three point stance. Cross staggers up to his feet and Watts tackles him!
The impact bounces Kalmin Watts up to his feet and he looks around to the crowd as they cheer wildly at him. Anthony Jordan pounds on the apron in celebration. Watts pulls Cross up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba ducks an Oklahoma Hammer grabs a sleeper, then dumps Watts on the head with The Network Special sleeper suplex!!
Cross and Kalmin both take a moment to gather their senses as the crowd boos. Anthony Jordan is crouched at ringside, crestfallen. Recoba gets up and walks over to Watts. He lifts Kalmin’s legs, steps through and applies a scorpion style ankle lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Lupara Bianca!! Recoba sits down on Kalmin’s back with his knee on the back of his head.
Kalmin Watts screams in pain as Recoba bends him in half. He pulls back on his legs, while twisting Kalmin’s foot and ankle. The 3Arena rocks with boos as fans and Anthony Jordan plead with Watts to hang on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Millgan asks Watts if he wants to tap out to The Lupara Bianca but he’s getting no answer. Kalmin’s fist balls up, as he tries not to give up. Watts puts his hand down and tries to do a push up to somehow power out of The Lupara Bianca!
Watts pushes off of the mat and his powerful trunk-like legs unfurl and he breaks out of The Lupara Bianca. The audience lets out a mighty roar, as Kalmin Watts uses their energy to will himself to his feet
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts charges in with The Oklahoma Hammer but Cross Recoba catches him with a hotshot, dropping his throat on the ropes!
The air goes out of The 3Arena, as Cross Recoba hastily gets to his feet and pulls Kalmin’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts back drops his way out of Garibaldi’s Guillotine! He pulls Recoba’s head into his legs and drills his skull into the mat with a piledriver!!
The crowd counts along
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“Twenties” by Ghost plays and the audience leaps to their feet! Kalmin Watts rolls off of Cross Recoba, completely drained
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t believe it! Kalmin Watts has upset the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba here at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023!!!
Greg Jin: “At 25 minutes, 48 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
Phillip Blauer: No! Wait, no. This can’t be! Tony Jordan must have had Cross’ feet hooked or something!
Anthony Jordan runs into the ring with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship belt and hands it to an almost confused Kalmin Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts can’t believe his eyes as he looks at the Hardkore World championship belt that he just won after a 25 minute classic.
Watts presses his face into the belt, his shoulders heaving from crying. Anthony Jordan grips Watts’ shoulder with pride. Cross Recoba rolls out of the ring and holding the top of his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: In his first year in the business, he wins a World Championship that goes back to 1989!
Kalmin Watts goes to the corner and holds up his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship as he soaks in the love of the Dublin crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans cheered him on in Wrestle: UK, and now they got to see him win his first World Championship here in Hardkore World!
Cross Recoba passes by the announce table as he nurses a bad neck and aching head
Phillip Blauer: (to Cross) I guess we’ll talk later about my tape?
Cross either doesn’t hear Phil or ignores him as he walks to the back
Phillip Blauer: Bad time? No, totally get it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba will get a rematch for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in a submission match with the new champion Kalmin Watts at XHF Night of Champions at the Central Savings Bank in New York City.
Kalmin Watts goes through the ropes out onto the floor and starts celebrating with the ringside fans. He tries to hug each and every person who comes up to him as he holds the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Surely a champion to be proud of! Our next show is back in the US, with our return to the Rocky Mountains, Denver, Colorado! We’ll see you there, fans and thank you for joining us for Irish Rage in Belfast 2023!!
