Friendly Fire {FML Overheated}
Jul 12, 2023 9:35:13 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 5 more like this
Post by flo on Jul 12, 2023 9:35:13 GMT -5
March 30th, 2023.
J-RoK Headquarters.
The company’s new CEO steps in from a sunny Sapporo afternoon, entering into the lobby of the XHF’s premier puroresu federation. The receptionist rises to greet her, but the two barely make eye contact – separated by a wave of employees. A line-up has formed that apparently starts at the entrance, but snakes through doors, and down corridors, well into the administrative section. This is new. Perhaps this is a recent tradition that began in the Super Saiyan Rosé’s absence? First day on the job, there will be many learning opportunities. Nausicaä Suzuki makes her way down the hallway towards her new office, which oddly enough, seems to be the direction that the line is heading towards. If the entire company has come out to congratulate her promotion, Suzuki is touched, but confused why no one in the line is acknowledging her presence.
It is an odd collection of talent, not just office staff, but also production members, technical crew, and even on-air performers. They all seem to be holding random expensive objects. Poor Psycho KGB carries an 80-inch 4K TV on his back. Rather than turn their heads to the right to see their new CEO, the hundreds of J-RoK employees have tunnel vision – exhausted from standing for hours, and making sure no one cuts in front of them. Arms giving out on her, MUSHI puts down a Bergère – before giving a dirty look to the wheelbarrow full of empties that Quake is pushing behind him.
MUSHI:
“(WHAT KIND OF TRIBUTE IS THAT?)."
Kris Quake:
Super Sake needs no introduction!
MUSHI:
“(They are all empty...)."
Kris Quake:
Naturally. I get Super Sake for free – what kind of tribute would that be? But this? These cans are worth their weight in tin!
Hurrying forward, Nausicaä finally arrives at the end of the line – her new office.
Eri Sano:
“(NO CUTTING!)”
The seven hours of waiting have made even the normally angelic J-RoK interviewer lose who unnaturally calm demeanour. Realizing she just raised her tone to her new boss, Sano lowers her head.
Eri Sano:
“(Sorry Madam Chairman.)”
Trying to be a cool and approachable employer, Suzuki makes the tactful decision to respond to this behaviour – by enter her office, and closing the door behind her. Time to get to the bottom of this mystery-
Florida Man (smoking cigars with his feet on the desk):
Tell Jamester to get this through his diggity dang MURDER LIZARD BRAIN. Nausicaä is now calling the shiggity shots. She’s the madam to my Sky Force harem, thus my sidekick, which means YOUR MOTHER LOVIN’ FLORIDA MAAAAANG IS RUNNING THE SHOW! CALL ME HE-MAN, CAUSE I GOT THE POWER! Double J wants his Tour of Violence to be a success? Grease the dang wheels!
Having made his subtle suggestion for bribes, FML slams his bright red replica Batman phone down.
Florida Man (looking up):
So what ya gotz for me?
Nausicaä Suzuki:
What is this?
Florida Man (rising from his seat):
Look doll. You’re not a grenade, but when it comes to tributes – cold hard cash is gonna go waaaaay further to getting a push from Nausicaä, than throwing yourself at me.
Nausicaä Suzuki:
I am Nausicaä.
The pupils of Florida Man’s cartoon eyes separate, looking in opposite directions – as an uncomfortable exclamation point on the awkward silence.
Florida Man (triple take):
NAUSICAÄ! What a pleasure to FINALLY meet you. As I’m sure you’ve heard, I'm the great leader that's been holding Sky Force together during your sabbatical...
Nausicaä Suzuki:
They did mention something about a vagrant claiming membership-
Florida Man:
Vagrant? Those jokers! ...They’d all be sportin’ E.V.E. tramp stamps by now, without my enlightened guidance!
Nausicaä Suzuki (looking at the treasure trove in the corner):
What are you doing here?
Florida Man:
I took over Kira’s office, figured you wouldn’t mind. Given all I’ve done for Sky Force, now that WE’RE RUNNING J-RoK, time to get my hustle on!
Nausicaä Suzuki:
There is no WE here. I’m running J-RoK, and favour with the CEO cannot be bought. Though you’ve gone a long way to earning contempt today.
Florida Man (picking up a solid gold boom box):
I just want my fifty percent manager fee...
Crossing over to her desk, Nausicaä finds the intercom under a sea of nachos.
Nausicaä Suzuki (pressing button):
Security?
Florida Man:
Ain’t no call for that. I just want what I’m owed. Where is the gratitude?
Five large men enter, and immediately manhandle Florida Man’s Sky Force leader.
Nausicaä Suzuki:
GRATITUDE?!
Florida Man (trying to pull his arms free):
Sky Force is going to hear about this!
Nausicaä Suzuki:
We already had a meeting. Thank you for your service, but it was put to a vote – and you’re out.
Florida Man (trying to kick his legs free, even as he’s hoisted up in the air):
So you admit I was a real member, SUCKER – wait, OUT? You can’t do that! I’m the leader! CHARLES WOULD NEVER LET YOU...
Nausicaä Suzuki:
Charles is the one that called for the vote, and cast the decided ballot.
Florida Man:
LIAR! CHARLES WOULDN’T DO ME LIKE THAT!
Security carry Florida Man through the door, bumping his head on the frame. Dignity be damned! Scaly claws try to hang onto the wall, but they pry him loose. Making his hissy fit all the more humiliating, is the hundred of his peers that are all standing in the corridor, watching this pathetic display of impotent rage. The CEO steps out into the hallway to address the crowd.
Nausicaä Suzuki:
Thank you all for coming, but you have been misinformed. It is the policy of my administration not to accept gifts-
Florida Man:
SUZUKI, YOU’RE JUST LIKE KIRA! ROTTEN TO THE CORE! YA MIGHT WANNA HANG ONTO MY LOOT, CAUSE YOU’RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!
Freeing up a hand to reach into his pants, the still airborne Florida Man produces the one thing he was able to take out of Nausicaä's office... a contract to represent J-RoK at Overheated!
Florida Man:
I’ll show you, Suzuki, just like I’ll show Kira, JUST LIKE I’LL SHOW ALL OF YOU! Night of Champions I'm getting the BIG ONE – I could have been Sky Force’s X*Crown winner – but you snooty spinsters wouldn’t know real talent if it was catnip!
Arriving at the front door, security throws Florida Man down the entrance steps.
...He lands on his face, and everyone cheers.
Lying in the gutter, the Floridian dreams of revenge.
The present.
An establishing shot shows the 7-Eleven located just before the i75 turnoff for Bonita Springs. The one with a sad looking Ultimate Warrior chained to its bike rake.
A dissolve takes us inside of Florida Man’s fortress of solitude, where a flock of pigeons are trying to use the microwave. The clerk – Nametag Melvin – attempts to chase away the diseased birds with a broom. Just the distraction Florida Man needs to use the employee phone! He punches so many buttons that can't be local.
Gazoo:
Japan again?
Florida Man (holding phone, uses free claw to wave his green dwarf manager off):
HELLO CHARLES, it's y'boi Flo... again... not sure if you got my last few messages. This whole vote thing was a rib right? So funny. Haaaaaaaaaa! When I get back to Japan we’re gonna have to seriously restructure MY sky force. AMERICAN PUSSY WILL RIDE AGAIN! Hello?
Gazoo:
He hang up on you?
Florida Man:
Nah, just the dang machine again.
Nametag Melvin (returning to counter):
Mister Florida, please stop calling the Orient with the store phone – that comes out of my wages!
Gazoo:
Not having your calls returned by an inanimate object... how the mighty have fallen.
Shaking his head in frustration, Florida Man takes a few steps away from the counter – then looks up at the security camera, speaking to the ceiling like he was having a religious experience.
Florida Man:
Are you there, Esmur? It’s me, Florida Man.
What a match... the tag team specialist and the tag team NAMING specialist. Nihilists, huh? Based on how attached y'all are to the past glory, more like The Nostalgics!
Esmur, I may only have a thirdish grade education – but I seems to have a better grasp of dang nihilism then you. Nothing matters. Yet you bitch about me getting to a grand stage? Grand Stage! Must think mighty big of rasslin events, but that is only in your questionable estimation, you jolly optimist. You seem to think winning a title will somehow make things right for you. That only works for me. Yo Nihilist – everything sucks, and it’s not worth trying to change anything, because what’s the fucking point? Levar Burton just called – said you guys should spend less time watching the Big Lebowski for buzzwords, and pick up a fucking book. His words, not mine. Maybe you knew Neichze at some point, but these days you’re just a sad rip-off of them Broken Hardys. Esmur, you’re Matt. Burn.
Why are you here? Because SCCW knows their cause is hopeless. It didn’t matter who they sent. Death Trap won the crown for MCCW, but when it became SCCW, he abandoned that sinking ship! If the one dude who was able to win that company the X, by any other name, doesn’t think the new incarnation is worthy of it or his time – who are we to argue with him? Death Trap is right. So SCCW embraces nihilism by not caring about Overheated, but Esmur? He’s got that gold fever!
Even your big revenge strategy makes zero sense... you want to send Foxie to the void? Wouldn’t that just make Majesty happy? You remember, that dude who set your face on fire? Thanks for the clip show, by the way. Now, I’m no certified brain surgeon... but shouldn’t you be trying to annoy your deceased nemesis, by helping Foxie instead? Your presence here is nonsensical, and frankly reeks of desperation. Might wanna put some AXE on that.
Speaking of axes, you got some to grind with a lot of people who... are no longer here. Too bad you couldn’t have those Fireside memories, when it was a thing. Rather than find a new voice, you instead try to make us care about the past. Care? Screw that. We shouldn’t care about anything, nihilists. Yet to make up the fact that your current title run is based on issues with Caffrey, Ziko, and Natasha... you namedrop Mongo and Jamester like it makes you relevant. Rather optimistic pandering, Nihilists. Your politics are too on the nose. Fireside history? I took THEIR SHOT, because the federation wasn’t worthy. I used that shot to end Foxie’s celebrated run. Esmur, you wanna somehow make Fireside relevant again, so your pain matters? Good – we can let history repeat itself, when I use you as a steppingstone to finish Foxie AGAIN.
You think you're diggity due? No matter how mangled your face is, hothead – you have never had a stuffed cat ghost you.
Esmur… you seem to think life owes you...
I SPENT TWO YEARS TRYING TO ENGAGE WITH SKY FORCE... YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS!
SO DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT VOIDS, I REDEFINE DESPAIR ON A DAILY DANG BASIS!
Grabbing a bottle of Squirt, a livid Florida Man tosses it at the camera – with surprisingly good aim. It explodes, not breaking the camera, but covering it in enough liquid to distort the image. Sighing, Nametag Melvin grabs his mop – used to such displays of communication. While the employee cleans up the mess, Florida Man rolls over the counter, and picks up the 711’s phone.
Florida Man:
Are you there, Charles? Hello?
Embrace the void.
J-RoK Headquarters.
The company’s new CEO steps in from a sunny Sapporo afternoon, entering into the lobby of the XHF’s premier puroresu federation. The receptionist rises to greet her, but the two barely make eye contact – separated by a wave of employees. A line-up has formed that apparently starts at the entrance, but snakes through doors, and down corridors, well into the administrative section. This is new. Perhaps this is a recent tradition that began in the Super Saiyan Rosé’s absence? First day on the job, there will be many learning opportunities. Nausicaä Suzuki makes her way down the hallway towards her new office, which oddly enough, seems to be the direction that the line is heading towards. If the entire company has come out to congratulate her promotion, Suzuki is touched, but confused why no one in the line is acknowledging her presence.
It is an odd collection of talent, not just office staff, but also production members, technical crew, and even on-air performers. They all seem to be holding random expensive objects. Poor Psycho KGB carries an 80-inch 4K TV on his back. Rather than turn their heads to the right to see their new CEO, the hundreds of J-RoK employees have tunnel vision – exhausted from standing for hours, and making sure no one cuts in front of them. Arms giving out on her, MUSHI puts down a Bergère – before giving a dirty look to the wheelbarrow full of empties that Quake is pushing behind him.
MUSHI:
“(WHAT KIND OF TRIBUTE IS THAT?)."
Kris Quake:
Super Sake needs no introduction!
MUSHI:
“(They are all empty...)."
Kris Quake:
Naturally. I get Super Sake for free – what kind of tribute would that be? But this? These cans are worth their weight in tin!
Hurrying forward, Nausicaä finally arrives at the end of the line – her new office.
Eri Sano:
“(NO CUTTING!)”
The seven hours of waiting have made even the normally angelic J-RoK interviewer lose who unnaturally calm demeanour. Realizing she just raised her tone to her new boss, Sano lowers her head.
Eri Sano:
“(Sorry Madam Chairman.)”
Trying to be a cool and approachable employer, Suzuki makes the tactful decision to respond to this behaviour – by enter her office, and closing the door behind her. Time to get to the bottom of this mystery-
Florida Man (smoking cigars with his feet on the desk):
Tell Jamester to get this through his diggity dang MURDER LIZARD BRAIN. Nausicaä is now calling the shiggity shots. She’s the madam to my Sky Force harem, thus my sidekick, which means YOUR MOTHER LOVIN’ FLORIDA MAAAAANG IS RUNNING THE SHOW! CALL ME HE-MAN, CAUSE I GOT THE POWER! Double J wants his Tour of Violence to be a success? Grease the dang wheels!
Having made his subtle suggestion for bribes, FML slams his bright red replica Batman phone down.
Florida Man (looking up):
So what ya gotz for me?
Nausicaä Suzuki:
What is this?
Florida Man (rising from his seat):
Look doll. You’re not a grenade, but when it comes to tributes – cold hard cash is gonna go waaaaay further to getting a push from Nausicaä, than throwing yourself at me.
Nausicaä Suzuki:
I am Nausicaä.
The pupils of Florida Man’s cartoon eyes separate, looking in opposite directions – as an uncomfortable exclamation point on the awkward silence.
Florida Man (triple take):
NAUSICAÄ! What a pleasure to FINALLY meet you. As I’m sure you’ve heard, I'm the great leader that's been holding Sky Force together during your sabbatical...
Nausicaä Suzuki:
They did mention something about a vagrant claiming membership-
Florida Man:
Vagrant? Those jokers! ...They’d all be sportin’ E.V.E. tramp stamps by now, without my enlightened guidance!
Nausicaä Suzuki (looking at the treasure trove in the corner):
What are you doing here?
Florida Man:
I took over Kira’s office, figured you wouldn’t mind. Given all I’ve done for Sky Force, now that WE’RE RUNNING J-RoK, time to get my hustle on!
Nausicaä Suzuki:
There is no WE here. I’m running J-RoK, and favour with the CEO cannot be bought. Though you’ve gone a long way to earning contempt today.
Florida Man (picking up a solid gold boom box):
I just want my fifty percent manager fee...
Crossing over to her desk, Nausicaä finds the intercom under a sea of nachos.
Nausicaä Suzuki (pressing button):
Security?
Florida Man:
Ain’t no call for that. I just want what I’m owed. Where is the gratitude?
Five large men enter, and immediately manhandle Florida Man’s Sky Force leader.
Nausicaä Suzuki:
GRATITUDE?!
Florida Man (trying to pull his arms free):
Sky Force is going to hear about this!
Nausicaä Suzuki:
We already had a meeting. Thank you for your service, but it was put to a vote – and you’re out.
Florida Man (trying to kick his legs free, even as he’s hoisted up in the air):
So you admit I was a real member, SUCKER – wait, OUT? You can’t do that! I’m the leader! CHARLES WOULD NEVER LET YOU...
Nausicaä Suzuki:
Charles is the one that called for the vote, and cast the decided ballot.
Florida Man:
LIAR! CHARLES WOULDN’T DO ME LIKE THAT!
Security carry Florida Man through the door, bumping his head on the frame. Dignity be damned! Scaly claws try to hang onto the wall, but they pry him loose. Making his hissy fit all the more humiliating, is the hundred of his peers that are all standing in the corridor, watching this pathetic display of impotent rage. The CEO steps out into the hallway to address the crowd.
Nausicaä Suzuki:
Thank you all for coming, but you have been misinformed. It is the policy of my administration not to accept gifts-
Florida Man:
SUZUKI, YOU’RE JUST LIKE KIRA! ROTTEN TO THE CORE! YA MIGHT WANNA HANG ONTO MY LOOT, CAUSE YOU’RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!
Freeing up a hand to reach into his pants, the still airborne Florida Man produces the one thing he was able to take out of Nausicaä's office... a contract to represent J-RoK at Overheated!
Florida Man:
I’ll show you, Suzuki, just like I’ll show Kira, JUST LIKE I’LL SHOW ALL OF YOU! Night of Champions I'm getting the BIG ONE – I could have been Sky Force’s X*Crown winner – but you snooty spinsters wouldn’t know real talent if it was catnip!
Arriving at the front door, security throws Florida Man down the entrance steps.
...He lands on his face, and everyone cheers.
Lying in the gutter, the Floridian dreams of revenge.
The present.
An establishing shot shows the 7-Eleven located just before the i75 turnoff for Bonita Springs. The one with a sad looking Ultimate Warrior chained to its bike rake.
A dissolve takes us inside of Florida Man’s fortress of solitude, where a flock of pigeons are trying to use the microwave. The clerk – Nametag Melvin – attempts to chase away the diseased birds with a broom. Just the distraction Florida Man needs to use the employee phone! He punches so many buttons that can't be local.
Gazoo:
Japan again?
Florida Man (holding phone, uses free claw to wave his green dwarf manager off):
HELLO CHARLES, it's y'boi Flo... again... not sure if you got my last few messages. This whole vote thing was a rib right? So funny. Haaaaaaaaaa! When I get back to Japan we’re gonna have to seriously restructure MY sky force. AMERICAN PUSSY WILL RIDE AGAIN! Hello?
Gazoo:
He hang up on you?
Florida Man:
Nah, just the dang machine again.
Nametag Melvin (returning to counter):
Mister Florida, please stop calling the Orient with the store phone – that comes out of my wages!
Gazoo:
Not having your calls returned by an inanimate object... how the mighty have fallen.
Shaking his head in frustration, Florida Man takes a few steps away from the counter – then looks up at the security camera, speaking to the ceiling like he was having a religious experience.
Florida Man:
Are you there, Esmur? It’s me, Florida Man.
What a match... the tag team specialist and the tag team NAMING specialist. Nihilists, huh? Based on how attached y'all are to the past glory, more like The Nostalgics!
Esmur, I may only have a thirdish grade education – but I seems to have a better grasp of dang nihilism then you. Nothing matters. Yet you bitch about me getting to a grand stage? Grand Stage! Must think mighty big of rasslin events, but that is only in your questionable estimation, you jolly optimist. You seem to think winning a title will somehow make things right for you. That only works for me. Yo Nihilist – everything sucks, and it’s not worth trying to change anything, because what’s the fucking point? Levar Burton just called – said you guys should spend less time watching the Big Lebowski for buzzwords, and pick up a fucking book. His words, not mine. Maybe you knew Neichze at some point, but these days you’re just a sad rip-off of them Broken Hardys. Esmur, you’re Matt. Burn.
Why are you here? Because SCCW knows their cause is hopeless. It didn’t matter who they sent. Death Trap won the crown for MCCW, but when it became SCCW, he abandoned that sinking ship! If the one dude who was able to win that company the X, by any other name, doesn’t think the new incarnation is worthy of it or his time – who are we to argue with him? Death Trap is right. So SCCW embraces nihilism by not caring about Overheated, but Esmur? He’s got that gold fever!
Even your big revenge strategy makes zero sense... you want to send Foxie to the void? Wouldn’t that just make Majesty happy? You remember, that dude who set your face on fire? Thanks for the clip show, by the way. Now, I’m no certified brain surgeon... but shouldn’t you be trying to annoy your deceased nemesis, by helping Foxie instead? Your presence here is nonsensical, and frankly reeks of desperation. Might wanna put some AXE on that.
Speaking of axes, you got some to grind with a lot of people who... are no longer here. Too bad you couldn’t have those Fireside memories, when it was a thing. Rather than find a new voice, you instead try to make us care about the past. Care? Screw that. We shouldn’t care about anything, nihilists. Yet to make up the fact that your current title run is based on issues with Caffrey, Ziko, and Natasha... you namedrop Mongo and Jamester like it makes you relevant. Rather optimistic pandering, Nihilists. Your politics are too on the nose. Fireside history? I took THEIR SHOT, because the federation wasn’t worthy. I used that shot to end Foxie’s celebrated run. Esmur, you wanna somehow make Fireside relevant again, so your pain matters? Good – we can let history repeat itself, when I use you as a steppingstone to finish Foxie AGAIN.
You think you're diggity due? No matter how mangled your face is, hothead – you have never had a stuffed cat ghost you.
Esmur… you seem to think life owes you...
I SPENT TWO YEARS TRYING TO ENGAGE WITH SKY FORCE... YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS!
SO DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT VOIDS, I REDEFINE DESPAIR ON A DAILY DANG BASIS!
Grabbing a bottle of Squirt, a livid Florida Man tosses it at the camera – with surprisingly good aim. It explodes, not breaking the camera, but covering it in enough liquid to distort the image. Sighing, Nametag Melvin grabs his mop – used to such displays of communication. While the employee cleans up the mess, Florida Man rolls over the counter, and picks up the 711’s phone.
Florida Man:
Are you there, Charles? Hello?
Embrace the void.