CHEW [Night of Champions 2023]

[mosler]

Hello fellow Gourmets!
A whirlwind of Dinosaur Bones shows have just been dropped, and SPOILERS ...there is a fairly good chance you are now inside the dracolich.  Why the sudden rush?  NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS is next weekend, and we will be getting our first CRYSTAL SKULL champion.  While the federation is angled, I'd like to give everyone a shot at the strap with a competitive promo match.  So if you want to actively go after the championship?  Post promos in this thread (ooc comments, questions, concerns or spots PM my way - lets keep this thread IC) - feel free to use reporter Miles Drucker ( 3dacbb ) for interview purposes.

You will all be competing in a free for all in the City of Bones' Colosseum - with the championship being a CRYSTAL SKULL.

1 promo at 500 word max, deadline is Thursday, July 27th at midnight.

Thanks again,
-Geoffrey

TAGS: hardcorehammer24 , Kira Izumi , Nausicaä Suzuki , bloodiedfox , Venom 🕷 , Mongo the Destroyer   , ForeverKuroi , The Dunne Deal , terras , Visit Neom


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The bleeding ulcer that represents a sunset in the City of Bones begins to tapper off.  Squared Circle Observatory reporter turned Murder Hobo laundry washer, Miles Drucker counts the treasure trove of canned meats they'll be using to enter the big fight.  Next to him stands the hooded guide, Scratch...

Miles Drucker (holding up a tin of CRAM): We will make a killing betting these!

Scratch: It will not be necessary...

Miles Drucker: Why not?  We could be eating radroach steak for a month with the right bets!

Scratch: A Crystal Skull is up for grabs in our next encounter...

Miles Drucker: Skulls I got.  No offence Scratch, but that doesn't sound too tasty.

Scratch: A Crystal Skull is our Colosseum's championship... it opens doors.

Miles Drucker: Nothing against Zelda, but I'd rather have food than a key at this point. 

Scratch: We want out of here, BONES - to return outside?  Wizard of Bone is our best shot.  Being able to speak to him, requires getting past a door.  For whoever wins, our championship is a ticket out of our dracolich prison....

Miles Drucker: If my friends just work as a team, I'm sure we have that contest in the bag.

Scratch: Perhaps.  ...but other parties are also interested.  Something to CHEW on.

Well that sounds cryptic even by the hooded man's standards, Miles Drucker looks out across the Bone city and shivers.

[bloodiedfox]

ARM815H1 MK.69 sits on a suitably shaped calcium deposit, playing a particularly shrill rendition of Kylie Minogue's Better The Devil You Know on the recorder. A chill gust of gastro-intestinal wind blows some rubbish past, with one bit of newspaper splatting onto the Furminator's face. They remove the bukkake of journalism and read it...



The Martian sexbot's eyes start to glow an ominous shade of red.

NEW PRIMARY TARGET DESIGNATED - BLOODIED FOX

NEW PRIMARY DIRECTIVE ADDED - ESCAPE LICH AND AVENGE ARMBISHI

ALL OTHER DIRECTIVES SECONDARY

BLOODIED FOX MUST BE FURMINATED

[Mongo the Destroyer]

*Budd Lightyear (until the next name change) of Bar Command is chatting up some of the female denizens of the INSIDE.*

Budd: You know I used to be quite a big deal on the indy circuit. And even though we’ve been trapped in here I’ve been working on my moves, staying sharp. You wanna see some?

*The women nod excitedly- not because they find the man wearing heavily taped Bud Light boxes as some form of armor interesting, but because he’s been with that group that seems at least more well-fed than most. Buzz (whoops, name change) calls over a random person and then holds his shoulder, and drops onto his back! He rolls to his knee for a moment to collect his “FIGHT FOREVERS” and whatnot, but they didn’t come. The women applauded out of politeness. He gets up and returns to them…the man he attacked doesn’t.*

Buzz: Thanks, I call that one the “Tiger Spanish Fly 2020.”

*There’s a hesitation.*

Woman 1: Wait, isn’t that just Edge’s “Downward Spiral?”

Woman 2: Oh yeah! It’s from the No Mercy game!

*It would seem that wrestling is quite prevalent down here.*

Bud: What!? No no, ok ok. Ok. I’ve got another one.

*Lightbeer grabs another randomly shuffling around member of the INSIDE and tells him to act like he’s stunned. The man kindly stops shuffling and just wobbles in place. After much unnecessary crowd pumping-up that takes almost a full minute itself (indies man, gotta work the crowd. That’s where REAL WRESTLING happens) Lightyear does a little dance and then with a spin kicks the guy in the gut. He goes down and holds his stomach with a great sell. But smiles with a good indy cocky 4th-wall breaking smirk.*

Budd: That’s a modified superkick. You probably haven’t seen it like that before. I know a lot of guys do the normal one, but I thought I’d mi-

Woman 3: Oh! Oh! Trouble in Paradise!

Buzz: What? No, it’s a modif-

Woman 1: I loooove Kofi! Looks like you need to get a little more height on it though!

Bud: NO! IT’S NOT SOME MAINSTREAM CRAP!

*He’s getting flustered.*

Budd: THIS IS INDY WRESTLING! This is where real moves come from!

*Feeling incensed he approaches another rando shuffling the streets, grabs him by the neck, and drops down. He gets up and walks around with his arms out waiting to absorb all the “THIS IS AWESOME” chants that he’s used to getting from the indy shows he does.*

Woman 1: Kanyon Cutter?

Woman 2: Stunner?

Woman 3: RKO?

*He’s heartbroken.*

Bud: WHAT? No! It’s a 3/4th’s neckbreaker 2.0! You see, it can be hit out of anywhere!

Woman 3: That’s literally the gimmick of the RKO.

*No longer interested in ring rats since it’s interfering with his “art,” Lightyear begins to walk away. But shouts as he goes.*

Budd: You’ll see! One day everyone will be stealing MY wrestling moves, that I perfected where it REALLY MATTERS in front of a LIVE CROWD with no piped in sounds!

*He leaves to find food, or practice his moves.*

Buzz: SMARKS!

[Mongo the Destroyer]

Location: Bad to the Bone Racing Compound

“Chief wrestler’s log, supplemental. I’ve heard the rumors…”

*The camera slowly pans over a 24th century Star Trek uniform lying on the floor*

“…They say that I chose wrong, that I sided with the greatest evil in the XHF Network- not Lord Dominicus, but an actual murderer…”

*We make our way to the bed, where a 23rd century phaser lies, equally unused.*

“…But I know better. I know those people that Dinosaur Bones swallowed are still alive, and it’s my job to get them out to prove it…”

*A quick cut to the bottom of a zipper as it follows all the way up a jumpsuit.*

“…Going into an unknown and dangerous location where none have returned to save the human race AND get out alive?”

*The zip finishes as the camera pans out to reveal the Star Trekker in an Enterprise uniform- probably the Captain Archer one, but they all look more or less the same. She grabs a huge phaser rifle.*

Trekker: I’m gonna need some M.A.C.Os.

---

*Black screen soon goes to half-screen as a ringing cell phone is answered.*

Guy 1: Hello, this is Steven Culp. Who is this?

*Trekker comes in on the other side of the screen. She is of course holding her phone like an old-school communicator.*

Trekker: Major Hayes, I need you to get your men ready, we’re heading into a mission- not everyone might make it out, but I’ll do my best.

*There’s a pause.*

Culp: Ha ha, real funny. Yeah I was on Star Trek. Look I don’t get the joke but anyway save it for somebody like Conner.

*He hangs up. Trekker JanewayThinks- and by that I mean she doesn’t think at all and just acts on the next impulse she has. After dialing in a new set of numbers…*

Guy 2: Yello! Conner Trinneer here-

Guy 3: And me! I’m here too! Dominic Keating! I was on Star Trek Enterprise with Conner; we had a really good episode together!

Trekker: Don’t sell yourself short, you had a lot of great episodes- well not you, Reed, but Enterprise overall was an excellent show!

Trinneer: So what can we do for ya?

Trekker: Well I-

Keating: Did we mention that we’re together right now because we’re planning future episodes of the Shuttlepod Sh-

Trekker: I don’t advertise non-licensed properties. Anyway, I need to go into an unknown wasteland to ensure that everything goes back to the way it was and make sure that a crew of people that haven’t really gotten the chance yet to get the fans behind them get out alive. Also there’ll probably be strange creatures and phaser fights and whatnot.

Keating: That sounds like season 3 of Enterprise.

*She snaps her fingers.*

Trekker: Bang, got it in one! Can I count on the engineering chief and armory officer?

*The now 20 years older actors look at each other.*

Trinneer: Sure, sounds like fun.

Keating: We’re on strike anyway so it’s not like we can do anything else.

Trinneer: Well, I’m on strike, you’re just being a bro.

Keating: I am the broiest of bros.

*The two try to continue to banter but are quickly cut off.*

Trekker: Yeah yeah, cool. Suit up and I’ll send you the details!

*Trekker hangs up the phone. She then looks at the camera and does her best Scott Bakula.*

Trekker: Let’s go!

*Roll credits.*

[Kira Izumi]

Everyone's favorite Panda and the only bear to be on Olive Garden's banned list is shown brightly in the mountains of his homeland.

"(It seems like there's another prize to get in DB. Well who's more fitting to fight for it than the face of dinosaur bones!)" The panda would roar out loudly.

"(After all I gave a great showing at Overheated and almost beat that lame actor! Tom Cruise is way better and way more handsome than him anyways! But to the matter at hand, there's a crystal skull to win. I can't eat it so I'm not sure how good it'll be. But I'll prove my dominance and make history as the first ever champion! With my skills and new found experience fighting a real wrestler, there's no stopping me.)"

"(I am the face of this company. The eating champion of the world. And I will bring great honor to this promotion, and to my home! Prepare yourself because it's getting dangerous very soon!)"

[Venom 🕷]

Crikey!

We open surrounded by leaves. Small beams of light shine through here and there letting us know it’s daytime outside this dark hiding hole. This is where we find Venöm the Dinosaur Hunter hunkered up alongside his wife Träcy. Venöm watches through the leaves as Dinosaur Bones walks through the courtyard of the local Courtyard Inn.

Venöm: There is the little fella.

Venöm turns and looks at his wife who is ignoring him and playing on her phone.

Venöm: AHEM!

Träcy: What?

Venöm: I said, “there is the little fella.”

Träcy: I don’t want to do this.

Venöm: Träce. You wanted a vacation. This is how we got one. Play. Along.

Träcy: Ugh. Fine.

She takes a deep breath.

Träcy: Blimey, that’s no little fella.

Venöm: You’re right. That’s a big boi and he’s the one who ate Wombat’s wife. If we don’t take him out and free Mrs. Wombat poor Magnus might be stuck with their 27 children forever.

Träcy: Blimey. I wouldn’t with my worst enemies kids to be raised by Magnus.

Venöm: That’s why we have to stop the prehistoric lizard. Now, if I could just get a clean shot.

Träcy: You can’t shoot him!

Venöm: It’s a non lethal tranquilizer. It’s harmless.

Träcy: It may be, but look at him, he’s filled with air. You’ll pop him and everyone will be stuck in side.

Venöm: Blimey, you’re right. I guess I’ll have to do this the old fashioned way then.

Träcy: What could you mean by that?

Venöm: I’m going in.

We zoom in on shocked Träcy and it fades.

[hardcorehammer24]

Flashback:
The last we met our imbicilic little extraterrestrial, he was sliding down the bones of...um...well...Dinosaur Bones. All efforts to bring Kudor out of the beast had failed.

Present:
Camera pan in on Kudor as he prepares for his shot at the Crystal Skull championship. He is getting his heart and (green) blood pumping jump-roping with a long string of sausages he found sitting in DB's ribcage. He frantically leaps, backwards, hoping for the day he can return to the land of the living and feed upon the flesh of living, breathing chickens once again. Romulan ale still coursing through his system from earlier, what was initially thought to be toxic had evolved into a performance enhancing drug, doubling the alien in size and giving the once apathetic creature a new lease on his career. Kudor then threw the sausages in the air and leapt, consuming the deliciously preserved meat product in one mighty gulp. He proceeded to scale DB's vertebrae.

Could Kudor be attempting his escape from his calcified prison?

Hell no! Instead the alien completes 50 chin ups on DB's collarbone. Spinning through the putrid air, he clears the landing on the Bakuhatsa for the first time in his career (an impressive feat for any two legged lifeform), and flips 10 times in place in celebration. It was clear to Kudor, and in due time, the rest of the world...hell...to the rest of the UNIVERSE...

In the Colosseum of Bone...he would feed as he had never fed before.

[edwarddubin0604]

(Deep in the forest Olympia is looking into a camera with a shaky camera angle.)

Olympia: "Can you hold the camera steady."

MacDougal: "I'm a ghost."

Olympia: "Fine. So Dinosaur Bones is having a Crystal Skull Championship Tournament. I may be new here and haven't wrestled yet but what a way to make my debut winning that Crystal Skull Championship. Sign up the 'Golden Spartan.' I'll make sure I win it my way which is the Spartan way with Iron and Steel cold ruthlessness."

Mac Dougal: "Oh that was impressive lass."

Olympia: "Thanks. We're out of here."

(They leave as the scene slowly fades to black.)