.::The XHF Network Presents: Night of Champions 14!::.

[Mongo the Destroyer]

The XHF Network Presents:

Night of Champions 14
July 30th, 2023
Central Savings Bank, New York City, New York

---

As the opening of “Gold on the Ceiling” by the Black Keys slowly starts we fade into a worker carrying one of the X*Crown’s many world championships (in a glass case) out of the X*Crown vault at the XHF Headquarters. As the guitar kicks in we get several quick cuts of more and more of the titles being carried out as the vault empties. This gets interspersed with cuts of armored trucks with “Apple Bank” labeled on them. It would seem that part of the deal with the Night of Champion’s location involves safe transfer of the titles. We follow with some equally quick cuts showing some drone shots of an XHF Network convoy being lead by a string of the armored trucks across America.

“Down in the waves
She screams again
Roar at the door
My mind can't take much more”

In the next shot we see the King of Violence, Jesse Jamester walk towards the camera wearing a barbed wire crown. He raises his hands up, and in them a barbed-wire sledgehammer. With the force of a crashing pillar the sledgehammer crashes through a typewriter and table being sat at by Travis Monroe. Monroe is shocked and confused.

“I could never drowwwwwwwwn it”

In one of the back hallways of the Central Savings Bank Steve Awesome is posing promotional photographs. The XHF Hardcore Championship glistens on his shoulder. All of this is in slow motion because you legally can’t show a Steve Awesome photoshoot in normal time. As we zoom in on his face we can see a line of gold cross his sunglasses. The camera continues to move in and then flips around to see his view- the X*Crown Titles being carted one-by-one past him.

“They wanna get my…”

We cut to Poena leading a dark mass at his church (cult?). As he gestures wildly he points his audience to a big screen where we can see TOW Openweight Champion Jack Diamond with Austin Kade meeting and greeting with fans. The camera dives into the scene so it can pull back out and reveal that outside the throng of people is Dana Daniels- who makes the angry DW fist from Arthur seeing his enemy getting so much positive attention.

“They wanna get my
Gold on the ceiling”

On the deck of the Three-Timer’s Club yacht, the current (original) J-ROK Visual Kei Champion Dylan Black and Zoran Sainovic smile widely toast each other with probably illegal and/or mythical champagne, but behind both of their backs they’re holding knives.

“I ain't blind
Just a matter of time
Before you steal it”

We move to a close up of a Samsung Z-Flip series phone, a short pan out reveals that the Star Trekker is using it as her tricorder to examine Yuki Sakaraba, who seems to be patiently letting her (perhaps believing the cosplaying corporate shill really is from space). Once she finishes, Trekker moves to her next subject, Mr. Blobby. However before she can scan the icon/nightmare the phone is slapped out of her hand by Noel Edmonds.

“It's alright
Ain't no groundin’ my high”

A pair of hands are being washed in a sink. Blood comes off of them, a lot of blood. Who would do something that would make such a mess? We pan up the arm to the face of the X*Crown Champion, Bloodied Fox. He looks in the sink’s mirror but what he sees is Takashi Shinbu standing in front of a J-ROK display featuring a giant picture of Charles, the cool and totally real cat. However, Takashi soon is sent running as Charles’ face is ripped open by The Ultimate Warrior bursting through it! Florida Man rides on the back of Jim Hellwig and even pops a wheelie! Fox punches the mirror, re-bloodying his hand.

“Clouds covered love's
Barbed-wire snare
Strung up, strung out
I just can't go without”

We switch to watching as the XHF Phoenix Champion BEEF and the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion El Rey listen to BEEF’s phone on speaker. They make confused faces and frequently look at each other. Why? Down slides into a split screen the other half of the message; it’s Magnus on the phone talking while in what appears to be a street in Mexico. He’s standing next to a car as he seems to be pleading into the phone, suddenly the trunk pops open and out jumps Tom Phillips wearing a luchador mask and tied hand and foot. He hops away as Magnus drops the phone to give chase.

“I could never drowwwwwwwwn in”

In a hallway the camera meets Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kalmin Watts as he passes the camera quickly flips to catch Wrestle: United Kingdom’s World Champion, Wesley Crane walk by him. Watts cranes his head to watch the W:UK title in what appears to be a remake of the “guy looking at the other girl” meme. The camera pans around the corner to find Cross Recoba, who looks at us, winks, and points to his head (also a meme remake), suggesting he masterminded this situation.

“They wanna get my…”

Outside of the Central Savings/Apple Bank is the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, clearly they’re using the hot dog eating contest at the show as a promotional opportunity. The ever-hungry Dinosaur Bones is there and tries to eat the giant sausage; however he is pulled away by his manager, “Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes.

“They wanna get my
Gold on the ceiling”

The camera moves to a dingy alley where an old AWF poster features a picture of Maverick. A hand rips it off and crumples it up. The camera moves back to reveal the hand belongs to Jason Long, the former Maverick. He tosses his old visage over his shoulder. Right as he does SCCW World Champion and fellow AWF alumni Vincent Draven walks past Long- but doesn’t seem to recognize him (or doesn’t think he’s important enough to acknowledge). Jason seems mildly offended by this.

“I ain't blind
Just a matter of time
Before you steal it”

Inside the Central Savings Bank, the interior is being torn down for the show. The ever-elusive Mongo the Destroyer is present and seems to be supervising as the X*Crown titles are being strung up and raised towards the roof. Suddenly he turns around and is spooked by the former NCW owner, Leonard Fox, who seems to have wandered in. Mongo quickly assumes an attack pose not unlike an angry cat and possibly hisses at his former business rival.

“It's alright
Ain't no guttin’ my high”

Quick cuts show Bloodied Fox, now clean of blood, putting on dress pants, a dress shirt, shiny black shoes, and a suit jacket. He looks sharp AF. Quickly though we then screen wipe to a double shot of Sam Sawyer and Jayson Matthews both training their wrestling students. The most surprising part is that in both training sequences is one Eron Hunter, trying out the different styles and working up a sweat with the rookies despite being quite experienced himself.

“They wanna get my…”

We find ourselves suddenly outside of the Angry Mad Chemists’ headquarters. Out of their front door runs a bald-capped Terry Bradshaw. He is met by a very fat fake Reeshi on a motorcycle. Bradshaw jumps on just in time because BOOM! The AMC team comes flying out of their windows and onto their lawn by an explosion of doof floof! This will take days to clean up.

“They wanna get my
Gold on the ceiling”

Elsewhere in the sun are Redmond Fury and Hunter Storms pumping some serious iron as Diago Arakawa lounges around. All of this is being spied on as Ollie Oldham, Random McConalogue, Eli Dresden, and the Industrial Woman peer over the fence dividing them from the irresistible Fury. XHF Tag Team Champion Marty Donovan stands off from them watching and wondering what they’re all looking at but too engrossed at taking a selfie of himself to find out. His partner Decon Oldham is there too but all he’s doing is scowling.

“I ain't blind
Just a matter of time
Before you steal it”

It’s hours before show time and already Randy Angel and Ronnie from SCCW are pregamming. As they make poor choices with alcohol Randy’s brother, GUNS Junior Heavyweight Champion Nelly Angel, along with Joey Hawke, Ulysses Cole, and multiple-time hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut laugh at them over hot dogs and milk.

“It's alright
Ain't no blood in my eye”

We switch to a much darker scene as the camera slowly pans over what appears to be the dead bodies of current (interim) J-ROK Visual Kei Champion Brendan Harding and Armbishi the himbo werewolf. Both of them have large bloody holes where their hearts should be.

“Gold on the ceiling
I ain't blind
Just a matter of time
Before you steal it
It's alright
Ain't no groundin’ my high”

As the song plays out the X*Crown title belt is flipped onto the shoulder of the suited up Bloodied Fox. He walks towards the camera, looking right into it. Behind him are the aforementioned bodies of the people he used to love.

We then fade to live in the arena as the song ends to reveal that indeed there is gold on the ceiling. All 23 world championships hang from the ceiling of the building in a large gleaming circle. In the middle way up in the rafters is the crown that’ll be lowered for the main event.

Hawke: Hello and WELCOME to NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS FOURTEEN! Joey Hawke and Randy Angel are here with you in the former Central Savings Bank to celebrate twenty-one years of the XHF!
Randy: Wooo! I’ll drink to that! And so will the XHF, since its legal now!
Hawke: If you pour out any of that booze on the floor you might get us in trouble.
Randy: I would think you’d be encouraging it as it’s less for me to drink and will help clean up all the blood later.
Hawke: Well that’s a good point. We’ve got a huge show ahead of us folks, no doubt you’ve seen the promotion on TV so I won’t waste your time except to say that EVERY major World, Heavyweight, and World Heavyweight Championship is on the line tonight along with EVERY XHF title AND the coveted X*Crown!
Randy: Go big or go home, that’s how we do it in the XHF Network!
Hawke: And we’re taking it to the Xtreme in our very first match so let’s turn it over to Bonnie Jenkins who is already in the ring!

Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is for the XHF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP! This bout will be an Elimination Exploding Apple Death Match! Once all opponents have been eliminated the remaining competitor will be victorious! Pinfalls and submissions are the only way to eliminate an opponent and must be completed inside the ring in order to be officially recognized. There are NO count outs, NO disqualification, NO rope breaks, and NO holds barred! This match has a sixty minute time limit, in which case if the time has expired, the champion will retain the XHF Hardcore Championship and the match will be declared a DRAW! Are you ready New York?!

Randy: Bonnie is fired up tonight aye? Haven’t heard Bonnie this chipper in–well ever Joey. Are we sure she’s alright?
Hawke: She sure has some fire in her voice this evening. Why shouldn’t she is my question partner? Tonight we celebrate the best of the best all across the XHF Network under one roof. Here we are about to kick off the twenty twenty three Night of Champions show with what I expect to be an absolute violent exchange featuring three studs of the wrestling world.
Randy: No doubt partner. These three are crazy, twisted, sick individuals with a bloodlust unlike many of their peers.
Hawke: Doesn’t surprise me that the XHF wanted to get this one out of the way early in the night. With Steve Awesome pulling

There’s a moment of silence inside of the arena as the crowd awaits for the next match, but then the lights inside of the arena dim to darkness and the crowd sit in silence, but then they hear the words speaking through the P.A. System and that signals for them to begin cheering upon knowing who it might be:

"TAKE ALL MY MONEY

TAKE ALL MY MONEY, HONEY

TAKE ALL MY MONEY AND BLOW (BLOW, BLOW)"

The crowd inside of the building began to cheer loudly as the vocals of “Blow” begin to play through the speakers, the lights beginning to spiral around the arena before bringing them all around onto the stage where The Last Breathing Mercenary steps through the curtain, a large grin along his face as he stops at the top of the ramp and looks around the arena. The camera panned closer toward the man as he began his slow walk down to the ring, soaking in every second that the crowd showed their love for Long.

Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing FIRST! Wrestling out of Wexford Town, County Wexford, Ireland! He weighed in tonight at two hundred and fourteen pounds! ‘The Last Breathing Mercenary’ – JAAAAASOOOONNNNNNN LOOOOOOOOONNGGGGGGGG!!!!

Long finds himself at ringside as his ring introduction is made, taking a moment to stand there and take a deep breath before turning to walk over to the steps and head up along them to get onto the ring apron. From there, he brushes his feet along the apron, removing [his ring jacket / shirt (either of Icon design or one of his own designs)] and steps through the ropes. Long heads into the furthest corner and steps onto the second ropes, keeping himself up high as he looks out through the crowd– which only brings a large smile along his face, slightly laughing at the crowd, before leaping off of the apron and staying within the corner to prepare himself for the match.

Hawke: Jason Long has proven time and time again, when everyone counts him out or bets against him – he can steal the show. His back and forth with Steve Awesome has been a feud that went from a single XHF Hardcore title defense to a series of matches and attacks over the past two months.
Randy: They have fought in J-ROK, been seen in HardKore World, and were recently on Overheated earlier this month.
Hawke: Long is determined to recapture the XHF Hardcore Championship he lost to Steve Awesome, even if it means having to go up against not only Steve, but also Jesse Jamester.
Randy: In an elimination exploding apple death match too!
Hawke: That’s right, another death match type crafted by the mad match scientists over in J-ROK. After the war these three men are about to go through, I wouldn’t be surprised if it shortens all their careers by years.
Randy: That is the price we wrestlers pay in order to keep our pride in check and reach for immortality in this business.
Hawke: Well, it looks like we’re moving right along here as Jason Long waits in his corner and the lights dim in the arena.

As the commentator team spills details on the rivalry and Jason Long takes to a corner in the ring, the lights of the arena begin to dim. The lyrics of the “Everything Ends” by Slipknot smash through the Central Savings Bank of New York. A mixed crowd shows a decisive split of cheers and jeers for the next competitor, who since the start of 2023 has been polarizing as he began his Tour of Violence in J-ROK.

"You are wrong, fucked, and overrated

I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault

This is the end of everything

You are the end of everything"

Music blares over the sound system of the arena. Green and white lights begin to flicker down in a circle near the entrance way. Guitars shred as drums beat viciously through the speakers. Fans begin stomping their feet before seeing the imposing figure cast a shadow in the lit up circle from behind the curtain. The Murder Lizard of the XHF rises from the fog of the stage with a Barbed wire Crown on his head, dawning a crimson red and demon black attire this evening. Jesse Jamester stops at the top of the ramp and bows his head slightly before throwing a fist in the air.

Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing NEXT! Hailing from Calgary, Alberta CANADA! Weighing in this evening at two-hundred-eighty-three pounds! Standing six-foot-six-inches tall! Known in the Northern hemisphere as the Canadian Nightmare, to the XHF Network he is ‘the MURDER LIZARD’, and now as he graces Japan with his Tour of Violence, I present to you, 'the KING OF VIOLENCE’ – JESSSSSE JAMESSSSSTEEEEER!

The Murder Lizard scans the arena as he makes his way down the aisle towards the ringside area. Once he approaches the ring, Jesse stops at the black ring steps, cracking his neck and shrugging his shoulders in a warmup manner. Walking up to the top of the steps, he unhooks his right shoulder attire that wraps around his chest. The pointy scaly black and red shoulder pad is placed on the apron. The whole time, his eyes stay on Jason Long. Setting the barbed wire crown on the ring post in front of the steel stairs, Jesse Jamester walks the apron to the center of the ring. In one motion, Jesse steps between the ropes and enters the ring as he shows authority in his body language; shoulders back, head up, face looking straight ahead. He lets Jason Long know it’s his ring right now, walking past him mouthing something that Jason sneers at. Jesse reaches the ropes and throws a right fist up in the air, before slowly letting his arm return to his side as the music begins to fade out. Jesse Jamester takes to his corner.

Randy: A man or lizard, as we have yet to confirm either with complete accuracy; is looking like he’s ready to dish out some pain muffins.
Hawke: Pain muffins? Please, never say that again around me. However, I see the same read on the Murder Lizard tonight. Should this match favor anyone tonight, it may be Jesse Jamester.
Randy: Free reign to use whatever weapons he can get his hands on, oh yeah!
Hawke: After a hellacious battle recently with Brendan Harding for the Interim Visual Kei championship. I have to believe tonight, the Murder Lizard is feeling like he has to secure a victory and take home the gold.
Randy: Everybody wants the gold, but not everyone can be the person who can hold it and raise not only the company, but the business itself. J-ROK is engrained with talented stars, I should know – I wrestled there too.
Hawke: That you did, but its now time for the main attraction and public enemy number one in this triple threat matchup. Take it away Bonnie!

Bonnie Jenkins: Hailing from Detroit, Michigan! Weighing in this evening at two hundred thirty eight pounds! Known as ‘The Face of the Franchise’, the reigning and defending XHF HARDCORE CHAMPION — STEEEEEEEVE AWWWWEEEESSSOOOOME!

All the lights in the arena die out and the fans in attendance start chanting his name.

Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!

A delayed dramatic pause.

"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"

The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.

"Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!

If you see her wont you tell her for me/

It's better this way to avoid all the misery"

The chorus plays again as Steve Awesome walks down to the ring with the XHF Hardcore Championship strapped around his waist. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.

Hawke: Steve is in rare form tonight, but that should be no surprise for one of the XHF Network’s most successful stars.
Randy: And a man who later tonight has a chance to take home his third X*Crown championship!

XHF Hardcore Championship
Elimination Exploding Apple Death Match
Steve Awesome (c) Vs Jason Long Vs Jesse Jamester

DING! Ding! Ding!

In no time whatsoever, Jason Long and Steve Awesome go straight after Jesse Jamester in double team fashion. While history would argue this was unusual for Long and Awesome, they knew that eliminating the Murder Lizard first would give them the one-on-one fight they desired. Long goes in with a strong kick to the left thigh while Awesome swings with jabs to the shoulder and neck of the Murder Lizard. The two are able to slowly drive Jesse into the corner where a stomp fest begins. First is Jason who goes in with a boot ready to walk a mud hole dry, kicking and stomping the chest and mask of the Murder Lizard until Steve grabs Jason’s arm and pulls him back. Steve steps in to replace Jason and continues the punishment with his own boots.

Randy: I never thought I would see the day that Long and Awesome worked together—-
Hawke: That lasted a whole twenty seconds.

Jason grabs Steve by the hair and whips him down to the canvas with it. Immediately dropping an elbow on the neck of Awesome and turning it into a sleeper hold. Steve fights to his feet, elbowing Jason in the stomach to break free and finally does! BOOT TO THE FACE! Jesse comes barreling back into the match with a fresh boot of his own. Long stumbles backwards before turning his head back to see Jesse reaching out with both hands for his neck. Jesse hoists Long in the air for a double arm choke hold. Long knees Jesse in the midsection twice and drops to his feet. Reaching in his pocket, Long pulls out a shiny apple wrapped with twine. Putting it between his forearm and bicep, Long turns and lands an uppercut on Jesse’s exposed beard!

Hawke: KABOOM! The first exploding apple of the night courtesy of ‘the catalyst’ Jason Long!
Randy: How didn’t he lose an arm in the process? Didn’t Jason steal Dylan’s old bionic arm?
Hawke: We know Steve is known for such antics, but no folks, he did not. As I was explained earlier, the apples here tonight have about the power of a M-80 firework.
Randy: That’s the proof that Long is as dangerous as they come.
Hawke: Now one thing before we get to deep into this Elimination Exploding Apples death match. From what I know, some apples may be stronger or stuffed with more than others.
Randy: A potluck of exploding apples?! Dang, we really have the best job Joey.

Staggering back into the ropes, Jesse holds his face for a brief second before turning back towards Long and standing upright. DOUBLE SUPERKICK BY AWESOME AND LONG!

Hawke: Jesse Jamester has been ejected from the ring as Jason Long and Steve Awesome see past their difference and unite to take care of a common enemy.
Randy: No matter how you slice it; this is going to be one messy apple pie of a night partner.

Swigging from a brown paper bag, Randy quickly hides his favorite drink out of camera shot. The cameras cut back to the ring where Steve and Jason trade blows until they reach the center. Steve dodges a right jab and goes for a wrist lock on Long. Turning it around quickly Long flips Steve over onto his back and keeps the arm in his possession. Reaching down for the second hand, Long was looking to repeat the boot stomping he inflicted on JJ moments ago.

Randy: COUNTERED!
Hawke: Awesome with a double kick to the chest of Jason that shoots him into the corner!
Randy: Steve comes running in with a clothesline attempt AND OH MY DRINK!
Hawke: EXPLODING APPLE TO THE CHEST!

Steve’s chest turns purple from the exploding apple and blood begins to run down his chest as Steve lays on the canvas. Long comes running towards Steve as he rolls over and pushes himself up — DARK SIDE OF THE MOON!

Hawke: A soccer kick that would make Cristiano Ronaldo proud!
Randy: Who? I don’t remember drinking with him.

Rolling Steve over after the stomp Jason goes for the cover!


One!


Two!


Three—


Broken up by the Murder Lizard!

Randy: I don’t get why Jesse did that? Let Jason take out Steve and attack Jason afterwards for an easy win.
Hawke: Nothing is easy in a triple threat Randy, even you know that. With this being elimination, I would put my money on Jesse wanting to be the one to knock Steve off.
Randy: Still dumb of the Murder Lizard to not take advantage of the situation in front of him.
Hawke: I think that’s about to change right – NOW!

Lifting Jason Long on his shoulders in a death valley driver, Jesse drops to his left and drives Jason Long shoulder first into the gut of Steve Awesome! Long rolls off Steve and near the bottom rope as Jesse grabs Steve by the legs and looks at the Big Apple’s crowd in attendance, first to the left,then to the right, and then stomps Steve’s family jewels and keeps his foot there to dot the exclamation mark!

Hawke: Oooooh Steve is definitely not having children after an attack on his Franchise MVPs.
Randy: He probably has a black platinum membership card for the children he’s saving on ice.
Hawke: Time out Randy! (Snags his drink and hands to security) That’s strike out one for the night partner.
Randy: Not according to Long, look what he’s found!
Hawke: A bobbing for exploding apples station screams J-ROK in every imaginable way.

Instead of bobbing for the apples, Jason Long rolled off the apron and sees the bucket on one of the multiple tables setup near the ring barricade. Tonight, the fans would be protected with reinforced Tecdur Blast Glass for this match specifically. The ringside barrier would be running twice, one on the inside ring area and again on the fan’s side. Steel posts anchored the glass every ten feet surrounding the ring and stopping at the edge of the ramp. Jesse catapults Steve backwards towards a corner where Steve catches his footing on the second rope and avoids a face full of turnbuckle. As Jesse stands up he sees Jason Long flicking him off just before multiple exploding apples are chucked directly at the Murder Lizard!

Hawke: Bombs going off in the ring as Jesse Jamester turns around abruptly to avoid them and gets a taste of three apples exploding on impact of hitting the Murder Lizard in the back!
Randy: This is what I have to work with on a night like this? I can’t believe you just had me cut off Hawke, I thought you were one of the cool ones.
Hawke: I am your friend Randy, but I won’t dare risk my job or the integrity of the XHF Network over poor taste with the use of inappropriate jokes.
Randy: Incoming!

Steve jumps off the second rope, springboarding off the middle rope, and hits a flying roundhouse kick that sends Jesse sailing over the top rope and right into the ‘Bob for Apple’ bucket!

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Boom! Boom! booooom!

Explosions go off like crazy and blood is spouting from the Murder Lizard’s arms and back, leaving a burning flesh smell around the ring area. Jason Long smiles a sic grin and turns Steve around & kicks him in the gut. An uppercut to the chin sends Steve rocking on the ropes. Long goes for a clothesline to send Steve over the top rope and towards a table of apple pies made specifically for tonight’s match. Grabbing the top rope at the last second, Steve holds on with two fingers.

Hawke: Steve is barely holding on to his Hardcore Championship right now!
Randy: Don’t make Steve American Pie those pies Jason! He won’t recover financially.

Steve blocks a kick from Jason and goes for a suplex. Jason counters and knees Steve in the head, landing on the second rope, Steve tries to shove Jason to fall on the apron and Jason grabs his wrist and knees him in the face. Jason grabs Steve by the neck and springs from the inside second rope flipping over the shoulders of Awesome and flips him backwards, Driving The Face of the Franchise head first through the table of Apple Pies!

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Boom! Boom! booooom!

Randy: Apple pie turned into applesauce real quick for the Hardcore Champion.
Hawke: I don’t know who got the worst of that exchange. Both men landed on the table and it immediately exploded multiple times before they hit the outside floor.

No pinfall could be counted outside the ring but that was the least of Long and Awesome’s worries right now. Similar to their other challenger, the scars of the Elimination Exploding Apples Death Match were proving to take a larger toll than any of them would have assumed. Jason would roll out of the carnage first and be on his knee after some time. A gash over his left shoulder was being checked out by medical personnel and cleared quickly soon after Jason told them verbatim, “I’d rather eat Steve’s mom’s booty-hole than quit over a scratch like this!” The referee gags a bit and nods for the timekeeper that the match may continue.

Hawke: Blood is flowing, apples are exploding, and it’s only the opener!
Randy: J-ROK does not go quietly into the night. That much has never been challenged.

Steve Awesome remained on the outside floor in a rubble of broken table and what remained of the exploding apple pies the two landed on. When checked by the medical staff Steve was dazed and confused but still able to ask, “Is my hair out of place?” to which they laughed and lied to him that it was fine.

Long uses the barricade to drag himself as he drags a chair with five exploding apples engineered to the seat of it. The gash on Long’s left shoulder was cleaned up when checked out but that didn’t last long as the whole left side of his back was covered in blood down to his tights. CLOTHESLINE! Jesse Jamester comes up from behind Jason and knocks him down face first! The apple chair tips over and falls safely beside him. Jesse cracks a lizard smile before propping the chair up so it may be sat on. Lifting Jason Long to his feet, Jesse knees him in the midsection and shoves Long in the setup position to a powerbomb. Motioning to the crowd this was Long’s end with a cutting the throat gesture, Jesse lifts Long up and BAM! Long nails Jesse right in the mask with an exploding apple and falls down on the chest of him as he falls!

Hawke: Long with a surprise exploding apple that stops Jesse from slamming him through that chair!
Randy: He might have blinded the Murder Lizard in the process too. What a save on Long’s part, huh Joey?

Long struggles to lift Jesse backup and bring him to the ring apron. One arm didn’t fair well with lifting a two hundred and ninety pound man, so Jason turns his attention back to Steve Awesome who had rolled to his stomach but remained down. Long lifts Steve up with more ease and begins to roll him in the ring under the bottom rope. Crawling onto the apron, Long begins to step between the ropes when Steve jumps up and superkicks Long in the head as he’s bent over with one foot in the ring and one on the apron! Long falls on the middle rope before dropping into the ring, and Steve goes for the cover!


One!


Two!


Three–

Jesse pulls Steve out of the ring by his foot and chokeslams him back first on the chair he setup earlier! The apples explode on impact and cause Steve to roll to the barricade as he yells in agony and holds his back. Slipping into the ring, Jesse lifts up Jason Long and rotates him over his shoulder and in an upside down position with Long’s head at Jesse’s knees and his feet pointed up in the air. As the Murder Lizard clenches his hands in a firm grip behind Long’s back, he lifts up his feet and pops off the canvas a few inches before driving Long’ skull first onto the mat for a Violent Grave! Jesse Jamester hooks a leg and leans back on the chest of Long for the pin attempt.


One!


Two!


Three!

Bonnie Jenkins: Jason Long has been eliminated!

Randy: What Jason Long has done in this match has been insane! He has been a wrecking ball that could have taken out Awesome early on, had it not been for The Murder Lizard.
Hawke: Jason Long was doing well until that gash in his shoulder left him a one armed man in a triple threat match with these two. Some price to pay for that ridiculous move you mentioned Randy.
Randy: RIght?! I don’t know where he got the idea but I’m going to follow up – Quake might be up for trying that.

After the announcement of Long’s exit, Jesse Jamester discards the former XHF Hardcore Champion onto the outside ring floor. “This is my ring Long, remember that!” One of the eyes under his scaly mask was discolored, likely from the exploding apple Jason hit Jesse with earlier. The Murder Lizard though was more angry than hurt it seemed, and turns his attention to the side of the ring to find Steve. But Steve was nowhere to be found? Turning around in a full circle to scout the ringside area, Jesse could not find Steve anywhere.

Randy: Did you pay attention to where Awesome went?
Hawke: I did not Randy. That’s the million dollar question as these fans at ringside behind the explosion proof glass stand up to look for themselves.

Jesse turns to the referee and suddenly the arena pops! Steve Awesome appears on the top rope behind Jesse and waits for him with a trash can lid with exploding apples glued to the inside of it.

Hawke: OFF THE TOP ROPE COMES STEVE!

Slamming the trash can lid on Jesse’s shoulder as he turns around, Jesse just barely shifts his body in time to avoid the inevitable exploding apple trash can lid of doom!

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Boom! Boom! booooom!

Steve lands on his feet and Jesse goes stumbling back into the far corner from. Grabbing his right shoulder and neck; the Murde Lizard shows severe burn damage on both as he touches the areas and immediately pulls his hand away.

Randy: SUPERKICK!
Hawke: And Jesse is staggering; rolling on the ropes as he holds that shoulder and shakes his head trying to shake off the superkick!

Awesome runs at the ropes and comes back at Jesse, spinning into a superkick that the Murder Lizard walks into! As it poetry with his motion, Steve Awesome falls on Jesse as he falls to the mat and hooks both legs as he goes for the cover!


One!


Two!


Three!


Bonnie Jenkins: Winner of this match, and still XHF Hardcore Champion — Steve Awesome!

Hawke: And with that we wrap up the opening JROK match that leaves all fans in attendance questioning their taste for apples.
Randy: In the Apple arena no less, go figure.
Hawke: Three came in; a plethora of exploding apples later and the XHF Hardcore Champion retains.
Randy: Give credit where it’s due, these three went for it and left nothing on the table — literally, I see no more items at ringside with exploding apples.

Ring crew take to the ringside area to unassemble the explosive armor shield that was placed at the barricade for the fans safety. Meanwhile Steve Awesome is at the top of the ramp proudly displaying the XHF Hardcore Champion with burn marks and blood all over him. The bout tonight would be his first but not his last, as Steve now had to go back and wait until the main event where he will get a shot to try and win his third X*Crown Championship.

---

Sylvia Starr: The next match is a GUNS match for the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship.

“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”

“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”

Sylvia Starr: Introducing first. He is the CURRENT XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion. He has told us that he is ATLANTA’S FAVORITE SON. He is El RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREY!

The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up their surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.

Phillips: El Rey was embarrassed the way he lost to Nelly Angel at the GUNS season finale and demanded this match.
Magnus: Can you blame him? He lost to an interviewer!
Phillips: You keep saying that, but Nelly Angel is an accomplished wrestler.
Magnus: And I could’ve turned you into one too if you would’ve just shut up at the boarder!

The guitar riffs starting out "La Di Da" by Jet ring out as out from the back walks Nelly Angel with the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship around his waist.

Sylvia Starr: And now entering. He is the defending GUNS Junior Heavyweight Champion. He is Nelly ANGEEEEEEEEEEEEEL

The defiant tone of the song is reflected in his face as he looks down to the ring and the audience, some of whom are holding "#NellyisaHeel" signs. Once he's done scanning the arena he shakes his head, chuckles and smiles to himself. The 20 year ring veteran makes his walk down to the ring, climbs the stairs, and from the ring apron climbs onto the turnbuckle and holds the belt up before jumping off the corner into the ring, ready to start things off.

Phillips: Although Nelly won cleanly and has nothing to prove he happily accepted El Rey’s challenge.
Magnus: Not that he had a choice. The kids dad runs the company. Alongside me of course.

GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship
Nelly Angel (c) Vs El Rey

As he often does the consummate good guy Nelly Angel holds out his hand for a shake, and this time El Rey obliges. Nelly seems pleasantly surprised by the handshake, but his look soon changes as El Rey pulls him into a hammerlock. El Rey wrenches Nelly’s arm behind his back and Nelly slaps his shoulder trying to release the pain and then makes the move and switches the hold and counters into a hammerlock of his own. Now El Rey is slapping his shoulder and he goes for a reverse of his own, but Nelly reverses it right back. El Rey is seething in anger as Nelly wrenches away. El Rey slaps his shoulder again, and again reverses, but this time once he moves behind El Rey strikes Nelly in the back of the head with a stiff elbow shot. Nelly stumbles forward into the ropes and El Rey looks to move in, but the ref stops him as Nelly is in the ropes.

Magnus: That’s an aggressive shot we don’t often see from the kid.
Phillips: He’s clearly tired of Nelly’s veteran moves getting the best of him.

The ref holds his hand up to hold El Rey back as he checks on Nelly. Nelly tells him he’s okay and as soon as the ref drops his hand El Rey charges at Nelly who is leaning up against the ropes. El Rey leaves his feet for a flying clothesline to take Nelly to the outside, but Nelly ducks and grabs the top rope sending El Rey over the top to the outside. Nelly takes a look at El Rey on the outside as he struggles to his feet and begins clapping. The fans soon catch on and clap as Nelly runs and hits the ropes, runs towards El Rey, and flips with a tope con hilo wiping out El Rey on the outside. Nelly quickly gets back up to his feet to a huge pop from the crowd. Nelly then leans down and goes to lift El Rey up to his feet, but El Rey quickly shoves Nelly in the chest causing him to stumble back first into the ring barrier. El Rey quickly regroups and leaps with a dropsault off the chest of Nelly. El Rey lands on his feet and then charges with a lariat driving Nelly’s back again into the ring barrier. El Rey then quickly whips Nelly into the ring and leaps up onto the ring apron. El Rey takes a moment to taunt the crowd before springing up to the top rope and spins with a 450, but Nelly gets the knees up!

Phillips: Crash and burn.
Magnus: Ugh. More wiley old veteran moves from Nelly.
Phillips: And this could be it!

Nelly rolls up El Rey as he’s doubled over and 1…2…No! El Rey kicks out and quickly rolls to the outside. Nelly gets back up to his feet and watches as El Rey begins to walk up the ramp. Nelly shrugs his shoulders and then runs out after him. Nelly catches El Rey and spins him around and Nelly is greeted with a thumb to the eye! Nelly stumbles back and El Rey follows him back to ringside and nails a forearm shot. Nelly is dazed and El Rey grabs him by the wrist and goes to whip him into the ring apron. Nelly is able to leap up onto the apron. El Rey follows in and goes to sweep Nelly’s legs, but Nelly jumps up to avoid and then nails El Rey with a back kick. El Rey stumbles back and Nelly leaps up and spring boards back with a high arching moonsault that nails El Rey and sends him crashing into the rampway.

Magnus: What the hell! Since when can Nelly fly like that?
Phillips: You keep forgetting that he’s a multi time Junior Heavyweight Championship.
Magnus: Next thing you know you’re going to tell me he’s won a Cruiserfest.
Phillips: Since you mention it.

Nelly quickly gets up to his feet to a huge pop from the crowd. Nelly quickly pulls El Rey up to his feet and grabs him by the neck and rolls him in the ring. Nelly gets up to the ropes and sling shots himself over with a senton on El Rey and quickly follows up with a cover 1…2… El Rey kicks out. Nelly quickly gets up to his feet and backs up measuring up his opponent as El Rey slowly sits up. Nelly runs and nails El Rey with a shinning Wizard! Again, Nelly makes a cover 1…2…El Rey reaches and grabs the bottom rope.

Magnus: See, the kid has some veteran moves too.
Phillips: I’m not sure desperately grabbing the ropes is a veteran move.
Magnus: Sure it is.

Nelly pulls El Rey away from the ropes and then runs to the corner and quickly climbs up. Nelly motions to the crowd that he’s gonna spin. The crowd pops as Nelly steadies himself and flies off with a 450 splash! Nelly hits with such great impact that he bounces off the mat and away from El Rey. Nelly holds his stomach in pain as he slowly regains his composure and walks back over to El Rey and goes to lift the young man up, but El Rey rolls him up! 1…2…No, Nelly rolls it over with El Rey’s shoulders on the mat. 1…2…No! El Rey wont let the same thing happen twice and kicks out.

Phillips: Dejavu!
Magnus: Yeah, and we almost saw the match end the same way it did on GUNS.
Phillips: That’s what Dejavu means.
Magnus: Oh. I thought that was the name of the move.
Phillips: How were you ever a world champion?
Magnus: The World may never know.

El Rey slowly stumbles up to his feet as Nelly springs back up. Nelly blocks a lazy right from El Rey and counters with one of his own. El Rey stumbles back and Nelly follows up with another. El Rey stumbles back more and uses the ropes to stabilize himself. Nelly grabs El Rey by the wrist and whips him across the ring and when El Rey bounces off and comes back he’s nailed with a drop kick! Nelly quickly gets back up and pulls El Rey up. Nelly sets him up and calls for the Exclusive! Nelly hooks up El Rey, but El Rey shoves him off. Nelly stumbles into the corner. El Rey runs in after Nelly, but Nelly counters with a back elbow. Nelly then turns the tables putting El Rey in the corner and then lifts him up to the top rope. Nelly leaps and delivers a right elbow to stun his opponent and then climbs up. Nelly takes a long look around the crowd before he jumps going for a Frankensteiner, but when he snaps back El Rey holds on! El Rey then puts his legs over his arms and leaps off with an Avalanche Society Killer!

Phillips: Oh my god!
Magnus: That just happened.
Phillips: If El Rey can make the cover we might have a new champ!

El Rey, though, has bounced away from the champion. El Rey rolls over with his back onto Nelly. 1…2…No! Nelly rolls El Rey into a backslide. 1…2…No! El Rey kicks out! Nelly stumbles to his feet and goes to pick up El Rey, but El Rey rolls him into a small package 1…2…3!
Sylvia Starr: Winner and NEW GUNS Junior Heavyweight Champion, El RRRRRRRRREY!

Nelly rolls out of the ring looking dejected as in the ring El Rey lays on his back spread eagle. He’s grinning ear-to-ear as the ref lays the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship on his waist.

Magnus: The kid did it. His father will be so proud from somewhere in his wheelchair.
Phillips: Thank you for joining us. We’ll rejoin you for the XHF Phoenix Championship match, unless that kids mom wants to meet me in the parking lot first.
Magnus: Eww.

---

Salazar: This is a Hell in a Cell match for the WUK Heavyweight Championship!

The fans cheer as the gilded massive cage is slowly lowered downward, and the ring crew quickly gets it in place. Frank nods as he continues from beside the announce table, and he lifts a hand.

Salazar: Entering first accompanied by the Role Model Anthony Jordan, weighing in at 260 pounds! He is the reigning HKW Heavyweight Champion of the world! KALMIN WATTS!

"Twenties" by Ghost hits. Kalmin Watts walks out from behind the curtain raising his arms to hold the HKW title high. He is followed by Anthony Jordan. Watts interacts and slaps hands with fans as Jordan stays in his ear giving him advice. Once he gets to ringside, Watts walks up the stairs, wipes his boots on the apron, and enters the ring. He walks to his corner and focuses on his match ahead as Jordan climbs up onto the apron to build upon his earlier advice.  AJ soon withdraws to the side of the cage, and Watts prowls back and forth.

Tucker: Watts in two title matches here tonight.
Fulton: I bet Cross loves that.

The fans wait as Frank lifts the mic again.

Salazar: And his opponent, representing the High Roller’s Club at 223 pounds! Fighting out of Syrcuse, New York! He is the reigning and defending WUK World Heavyweight Champion, this ‘THE HIGH ROLLER’ Wesley Crane!

The fans boo, jeering as the shower of sparks goes off as Akon’s ‘I’m so paid’ blasts across the crowd. Crane emerges from the back, laughing as he adjusts the belt on his shoulder before he levels the finger gun at the ring. He smirks, and heads down the ramp with a shrug to AJ before he climbs inside the Hell in a Cell.  He holds the belt up, talking trash to Watts before he hands it over.

Fulton: There is a real champion! Not just some football guy from Okie!
Tucker: Football guy from Okie?
Torchwood: Lads, let’s try to focus!

The door to the cell banged shut, and the ref called for the bell as the pair stepped closer. The fans were on edge as Crane kept running his mouth then he leaned in with a finger pointing at his face. Clearly begging for Watts to hit him, and the fans urged Watts onward.

W:UK World Championship
Hell in a Cell Match
Wesley Crane (c) Vs Kalmin Watts

Watts drove a fist into Crane’s face, knocking him around before he flung Crane at the ropes! The fans explode as he grabs him on the rebound for a spinebuster, and then he crouches over him delivering a few more punches for good measure.

Tucker: Watts has clearly had enough of Crane’s mouth!
Torchwood: I think the HKW Champion may be too fired up!

Watts rises, throwing his arms in the air as he yells at the fans. They cheer back, and Anthony Jordan leans on the cage as he calls out some advice. Watts nods, and turns his attention back to the rising Crane.  LOW BLOW!

Tucker: Below the belt from Crane! This is disgusting! This is how the Champion acts!
Fulton: This is a Hell in a Cell! This is no holds barred!

The fans boo, and Crane laughs as he comes to his feet with a smirk cast at the frowning AJ as he shoves off the grasping hand of Watts.

Torchwood: The challenger in trouble in the early going!

Crane grins down at Watts, and makes the double guns before he steps back into the corner. The fans are not happy at all, and AJ is yelling on the outside as Crane lines up before he comes out of the corner with a roar.  IN DA FACE!  Watts sags to the mat, and the fans groan as Crane laughs as he dusts off his hands before he makes the cover.

1….


2…..

…..

…..KICKOUT!

Tucker: YES!

The fans are cheering wildly as Crane stares at Watts before he looks up at the ref. He gets on his feet, shoving the referee as he holds up three fingers before he pushes the man back again. He stalks back and forth, glaring at Watts as he drags himself to his knees.  Watts motions for Crane to bring it, and Crane drops back in the corner before he levels the guns again.

Fulton: Watts wants this over and done with! He knows he can’t beat the High Roller!

IN DA—OKLAHOMA HAMMER!  The roof comes off the building as Crane flops to the mat, and Watts struggles to his feet as he slaps his fists against his chest. The straps come down, and he stares down at Crane before he grabs for him.  He rips Crane upwards, and spins him around to deliver a brutal belly to belly suplex! Crane rolls around in pain, and falls from the ring! The fans groan, and AJ slaps his hand against the gilded chain link.

Torchwood: Brilliant ring awareness from the Champion!
Tucker: AJ looks to be trying to tell Watts something, but the challenger is not listening!

Watts has dropped back, and hits the ropes before he charges across the ring. And he dives between the ropes at the champion! But Crane steps aside, and flings Watts into the Cell! The fans boo, and Watts lands in a heap before Crane starts stomping and kicking away at him as he tries to rise.  Crane grabs his leg, jerking him off balance before he stomps down on Watts’ knee! Watts howls, and Crane does it again as Jordan shakes his head on the outside. A third time!

Fulton: Crane trying to take out Watts’ deadliest move!
Torchwood: Wesley Crane showing no mercy here tonight at Night of Champions!

Crane smirks, and grabs Watts’ leg to bend it backwards as he locks on a Single Leg Boston Crab! He leans back hard, grabbing the Cell for leverage as Watts curses and grabs for the cage as he tries to escape the hold. The fans are on their feet, and Crane snarls at the ref as he twists the leg higher!

Tucker: Crane can’t win on the outside!
Fulton: This isn’t about winning, this is about sending a message!

Crane breaks the hold, and he laughs at the fans as he walks over to dig under the ring. He produces a tool box, and slaps his hand against the bottom before he drops down with a smirk. Then he charges forward, slamming the tool box into the face of the rising Watts.  Blood flows down the challenger’s face, and Crane rolls inside the ring to dump out the tools before he grabs a wrench before he goes back to the outside. AJ is furious outside the cage, and Crane comes forward swinging the wrench!  Watts moves aside, and grabs Crane to slam his head against the ring apron with blow after blow. The fans are going wild, and Watts grabs the wrench before he uses it to deliver a blow across the head of Crane!  Now the Champ is bleeding, and Watts grabs him to lift him over his head before flinging him inside the ring.

Torchwood: Watts is incensed!
Fulton: How dare he smack Crane with a wrench!
Tucker: It’s Crane’s wrench!

Watts rolls inside the ring, staggering as he comes to his feet. He limps a step, hitting his leg before his eyes narrow on Crane as he shakes his head. He pulls himself up the ropes, muttering as he glares at Watts through blood streaked hair. Watts rips him away from the ropes, and starts battering away at his head and face with stiff elbows before he hits a bridging suplex!

1….

2….

…..KICKOUT!

Tucker: That was a close one!
Fulton: That was a fast count! Who is this referee?

Watts shakes his head angrily, and grabs Crane for another belly to belly that leaves the High Roller arching from the mat as he holds at his back. He starts stomping and kicking at him, and then rips him to his feet once more before he tosses him into the corner.  Crane leans hard, shaking his head as Watts goes to square up for the tackle. But he staggers as his knee again gives him trouble, and then he charges in. But Crane uses the stumble to step aside, and Watts slams hard into the ring post!

Torchwood: That knee is slowing Watts down!
Tucker: Crane knows he can’t beat Watts if the challenger is at 100%!
Fulton: Ridiculous!

The fans boo as Crane grabs Watts shoving him into the corner, before he drops back with a smirk.  EUROPEAN UPPERCUT!  AND ANOTHER!  AND A THIRD!

Torchwood: Crane is battering away at the challenger!

Watts stumbles forward, and drops to the mat before Crane leaps to the ringpost! The fans boo, jeering as Crane stares down at him before he slaps his elbow before he leaps off! But Watts rolls out of the way, and Crane sprawls on the mat kicking his foot as he grabs at his elbow with a shake of his head.  Both men are down, and the ref starts a count!

Tucker: It can’t end like this!
Fulton: Champ retains in a draw, tell him Sir Arthur!
Torchwood: Well, the Champ does –
Tucker: Go to Hell, Ful– Is that?

The fans are booing as Preston Reese is running down the ramp, shoving referees out of the way before he yanks at the door before fumbling with the chains. He pushes another ref, and then grabs another as he points at the lock.

Tucker: He is trying to get the referees to open the Cell!
Fulton: He is concerned for his best friend!

The fans are booing, and Reese shoves the referee again before he points at the lock. And then the Role Model comes around the side of the ring, he shoves Reese backwards as he shakes his head. Preston Reese glared at him, cursing as he steps forward.

Torchwood: The history between Reese’s father and the Role Model can fill volumes!

Reese shoves Anthony Jordan, and then shoves him again. The Role Model stares at him, and then punches him in the face! The roof comes off the building, and AJ grabs him by the suit to fling him against the side of the cage before he starts delivering punches and kicks as the referees try to get them under control.

Fulton: Only a scumbag from Mississippi would lay their hands on a hero like Preston Andre Reese!
Tucker: Oh, my god. You’re so obnoxious!

Inside the ring, Watts stares at the chaos outside the ring as he leans on the ropes. He drags himself upwards, shaking his head as he winces as he puts weight on his leg. Crane rises as well, the High Roller grinning as wipes the blood from his face before he motions for Watts to bring it on.

Tucker: Watts is limping! His knee has taken alot of abuse!
Fulton: Crane smells blood in the water!

Watts staggers a step, limping forward and Crane sees an opening!  IN DA FACE!  The fans groan, but Watts manages to get out of the way. Crane hits the ropes, and is grabbed for a huge backdrop! The place explodes as both men are down, and the fans are going wild as the ref looks between them in confusion. Then Watts crawls to his knees, slowly rising as Crane follows a moment later before he fires off a kick at the wounded knee! Watts stumbles, and Crane goes for the HRKO but misses as Watts shoves him away!  German Suplex!

Torchwood: Watts with the counter! I can’t believe it!

Crane staggers to his feet, and Watts delivers a kick of his own! Crane doubles over, and Watts hits a PILEDRIVER on the scattered tools! The place explodes as Watts rolls him over, and makes the cover.

1….

2….

……THREE!

Fulton: No! NO! This is a nightmare!

Tucker: Kalmin Watts has done it! He is a double world champion! These fans are going crazy!

Watts drops to his knees, shaking his head as the cage lifts slowly upwards. AJ rolls inside, shoving both belts into his hands as Watts stares down at them. The fans are stomping as Reese drags the bleeding and battered Crane from the ring, glaring murder at the pair in the ring.

Torchwood: At Night of Champions, Kalmin Watts has become the fourth man to be called WUK World Champion!
Tucker: That was a war!

---

MEANWHILE... Backstage. The Dread Lord finishes with the craft service table, while his cowboy tag partner wishes he’d eaten first.

Dinosaur Bones: TELL ME BILLIE, WHAT APE MUST I SUBJUGATE TO MY WILL THIS EVENING?

“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: Joey Chestnut.

Dinosaur Bones: AH YES, CHESTNUTS – I AM FAMILIAR WITH HIS WORK. THE APE HAS A HARD EXTERIOR BUT MUCH PROTEIN HIDDEN WITHIN... AND AFTER THE MEAL, I CAN ADD THE TOW GOLD TO MY DRAGON HOARD?

“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: Joey isn’t a wrestling champion-

Dinosaur Bones: THE TITLE IS NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS, HOW DID THIS LEGUME GET ON THE CARD WITHOUT A TITLE?

“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: He’s a celebrated eater! Just the win you need to get back on the horse!

Dinosaur Bones: NEVER! MY DAYS OF COMPETITIVE EATING ARE OVER-

“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes (throwing his plate down): Now Bonesy, we both know that gluttony is the only thing animating that old skeleton of yours. You were born to eat – and chomping down on more hotdogs than Chestnut is a big step towards getting revenge on Kobayashi.

Dinosaur Bones: ...HOTDOGS...

“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: That’s the match – a real championship – all the hotdogs you can get your hands on. There’s a little trophy and everything.

Dinosaur Bones (lowering head and dutifully heading towards the free food): ...ONCE MORE UNTO THE BREACH... FOR MY APE FANS.

“Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes: That’s the spirit!

As the Extinction Connection exits down the hallway, the image cuts back to the arena where a climatron has been set up around the ring. The backstage segment covered most of the glass dome’s assembly, but as animal handlers bring in boxes of murder hornets – the camera cuts to the announce position to finish stalling.

Hawke: Our next title match is a grudge match for the ages-
Randy: These two DESPISE each other.
Hawke: A little history. Redmond Fury was the last AWF Phoenix champion, the rookie sensation winning the belt at Night of Champions 12. He subsequently took the XHF Phoenix title to GUNS, where he enjoyed a good working relationship with owner, Magnus. During End of Days ’12, however, Fury was eaten by a bear...
Randy: That kills most people, but being an incredibly tough SOB, Fury lived – apparently continuing to make his monthly title defences while inside the beast!
Hawke: Everyone just assumed Fury had died, however, and no rescue mission was mounted. This complicated things when it turned out that GUNS owner Magnus had accidentally married Fury, and collected on his life insurance policy.
Randy: Magnus knew EXACTLY what he was doing.
Hawke: When Fury escaped the bear, he was incensed and subsequently divorced Magnus for a small fortune. Vowing revenge, Magnus convinced former GUNS ACE BEEF that Fury was a endangering the federation, and needed to be stopped. In reality, Fury is MISTER GUNS and beloved by the audience, but BEEF didn’t see that... and has spent Season 5 tormenting the Buckeye Bruiser.
Randy: Yeah, if BEEF was helping GUNS – it backfired horribly. At REIGN’s Cruising For Gold back in September, BEEF cost Team GUNS an interpromotional match against Bad to the Bone racing by throwing Redmond off a cruise ship.
Hawke: BEEF has also frustrated Fury’s attempts to reclaim the Phoenix championship from rival promotions CAR and Hardkore World – when Fury FINALLY rescued the title from Marty Donovan on the May the Fourth Special, BEEF immediately attacked him from behind to become the current champion.
Randy: Yeah, but even before that BEEF injured Fury so badly he couldn’t compete in the Rumble, then won everyone’s hearts in the Rumble! That has to be a bitter pill for Redmond.
Hawke: Lastly, while Fury was confined to a wheelchair, BEEF threw him into GUNS’ Sarlacc Pit… where he has spent the past two months trying to teach himself out to walk again. ...just so he can dance on BEEF’s grave.
Randy: A river of bad blood between these two amazing muscle heads, and all because Magnus clearly still holds a torch Fury. Talk about unhealthy...

*BUMP*

Magnus: What’s unhealthy?
Randy: ...uh... the amount Quake has been drinking lately.
Magnus: I didn’t want to say anything, but we’re all worried.
Hawke: Fans, we’ve been joined at the announce position by GUNS’ Magnus-
Magnus: Well it is MY championship, and to see Fury finally put down? I wouldn’t miss this front row seat for the world.
Hawke: Will Phillips be joining us?
Magnus: I haven’t seen Phillips – the arena must be within a hundred feet of a grade school.
Hawke: Fair enough – well fans, it looks like the dome has finally been secured, and the murder hornets put in place – so lets send it over to Bonnie for the introductions.

The camera pans past the glass dome, whose panels almost look like honeycombs. Inside referee Mitch Mitchell is wearing a industrial strength Wasp Protective Suit – but still looks incredibly uncomfortable under the climatron. Each corner of the ring has a large glass case each featuring a dozen of the Japanese giant hornets. Refusing to step foot near them, Bonnie Jenkins is outside the dome – microphone in hand.

Bonnie Jenkins: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A MURDER HORNET DEATH MATCH FOR THE XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP!

A massive pop for stating the obvious.

Bonnie Jenkins: The only way to win is by pinfall or submission, and those won’t be counted until the wasps have been released from ALL FOUR containers!

Hawke: Stipulation originally suggested by Radu Matei, but refined into its current form by his tag partner, Anthony Caffrey, for the 2021 Rumble. Only the second time it’s been used-
Randy: Because it’s stupid dangerous.
Magnus: Fury is a bastard for demanding it, and I hope he’s turned into a pincushion for his request.

Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first, the challenger, coming to us from Akron, Ohio by way of GUNS – weighing in at 275lbs, the longest reigning Phoenix champion of all time- MISTER GUNS HIMSELF-
THAT BUCKEYE BRUISER
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDMOND
FURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY!

The familiar notes of Gut Feeling act as a siren's call, beckoning the audience to crowd around the aisle, before the mad lyrical flow of Devo cue up the pyro. White sparks explode across the entrance curtain. Stepping out of the back, Redmond Fury gestures that the belt is finally coming home. Moving with the tune, Fury slaps hands, signs autographs, busts moves, all while taking the time to flex for the camera. Arriving at the glass dome, Fury slaps one of the hexagon planes to work the crowd up into a frenzy. Climbing up the steel steps, Fury enters the ring, sizes up the giant wasps - then tears his FURY ROAD T-shirt to shreds. This shows off his impressive pecks, but also exposes his heavily bandaged ribs.

Magnus: Bandages! No fair! He’s cheating. Trying to use cloth to protect himself from the bees...
Randy: He did spend two months trying not to die at the bottom of your sinkhole.
Hawke: It’s been a rough season for Redmond Fury, and he’s definitely carrying some serious wounds into this match.

Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent, THE CHAMPION... coming to us from ATLANTA, GEORGIA courtesy of DTF-

Magnus: Who approved this copy!

Bonnie Jenkins: And weighing in at 320lbs... the XHF’s number one choice for a Bodyguard, that slab of muscle, and current XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIOOOOOOON-
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!

BEEEEEEEEEEEF

Rings out over the P.A. System followed by the sounds of “ATliens” by OutKast. As the song breaks in BEEF jumps out from behind the curtain landing with a thud that rings out throughout the arena. Rather than his usual ring gear, BEEF is decked out in a supped up Wasp Protective Suit – that kind of makes his hulking frame look like Superman’s DOOMSDAY before the comic villain’s costume burnt off. The big man poses for the crowd to rounds of “BEEEEEEF” before beginning his decent down the ramp. He doesn’t interact with the fans, but presumably under the green mask gives them a smile until he reaches the dome. Once there BEEF slowly enters through the glass door, allowing it to be sealing behind him – eyes up the hated wasps, then shows off his athleticism by leaping up into the ring apron. He surveys the wasps again, before stepping through the ropes and posing for the crowd one more time in the center of the ring.

Magnus: ...what?
Hawke: You’re not going to accuse BEEF of cheating or cowardice by wearing a beekeeper suit to a bee match?
Magnus: BEEF’s just using his head. Something he learned at GUNS I might add!
Randy: Both men throwing punches before the bell!

XHF Phoenix Championship
Murder Hornet Death Match
BEEF (c) Vs Redmond Fury

DING! DING! DING!

Dead center of the ring, BEEF and Fury trade shot for shot. Fury is used to being substantially larger than his opponents, but gives up almost fifty pounds to BEEF – which shows in the exchange. Neither man is willing to give up an inch, unloading on one another with rapid-fire punches. Though the seasoned brawler, Fury winces every time he throws a left – clearly working through a number of injuries. Even though BEEF has more weight behind his blows, the costume he wears to deal with his bee phobia, limits his vision – otherwise he might focus on body shots and work Fury’s injured midsection. The end result sees both men peppering away with rabbit punches for a long time, before a haymaker from the bigger man finally sends the smaller muscle freak staggering back towards a box... but he puts the breaks on before he can break it open.

Magnus: SO CLOSE!
Hawke: Big right hand almost sent Fury staggering into that murder hornet box, but he held on.

BEEF has a crippling fear of bees, which logically extends to massive hornets. Fortunately his wasp protection gives him wasp protection testicles, and BEEF throws caution to the wind – following up with an avalanche!

Hawke: Big splash into the corner – FURY moves!
Magnus: Damn it – WAIT, YES!
Hawke: BEEF managing to put the breaks on – grabbing the ropes before he could slam into the glass.

Fury drives an elbow into BEEF’s gut, causing him to hunch over slightly. Grabbing the back of his head, Fury tries to slam BEEF face first into the box – but the larger man again holds fast. Cringing as he puts pressure on his bruised ribs, Fury leaps up onto the ropes, and tries to use the elevation to bulldog BEEF down into the bees. Being this close to the wasps clearly makes BEEF uncomfortable, but he digs deep – and fights through the fear to again put the breaks on. Reaching an arm around Fury’s back, he manages to flip him up – both men coming out of the corner for BEEF to hit a pendulum backbreaker. Hanging onto Fury, BEEF continues to grind his spine across the larger man’s knee for a backbreaker. Fury swings wildly, punching away to break the hold, but it’s an awkward position to swing from, and BEEF ignores the shots, maintains the submission. Repositioning his grip, BEEF is able to turn it into a bodyslam – hoisting Fury back up in the air, and slamming him through the glass container!

#SHATTER#

Randy: One down – three to go!
Hawke: And you could see the hesitation in BEEF’s movement before he threw Fury into that box-
Magnus: He has a serious phobia. Fury picked this stipulation to give himself an outrageously unfair advantage. It’s my divorce proceedings all over again. But good for BEEF fighting through the fear to put my miserable ex in his place!
Hawke: I’m surprised to hear you sing BEEF’s praises; there have been rumours of heat between you too.
Magnus: Hawke, you know better than to believe what you read in the rags. BEEF might be helping that training facility to launch, but we all know come GUNS season 5, he’ll be back as OUR champion.
Hawke: I stand corrected.
Magnus: Besides, even if we had words, we are old friends united in our shared hatred of that roid raging himbo, Redmond.

When Fury comes too he has a giant angry wasp crawling on his face. Reaching up quickly, the Buckeye Bruiser flicks the wasp off of him – which is the wrong move, as it pisses the insect off further. It was also the only thing keep BEEF at bay. Without fear of the bug, BEEF drives his boot down with a thrust kick. The wasp starts to fly back towards Fury, who attempts to roll away – only to roll right into another thrust kick. The impact sends Fury back into the wasp, before he lets out a sharp cry.

Randy: Wasps seem a little disoriented from the container break, but at least one of them has drawn first blood.
Hawke: Fury twitching in agony from a wasp sting to the back, but trying to shake it off.
Magnus: He’s always like this – always posturing. Just quit before you get really hurt, you macho oaf!

Fighting through the pain, Fury rolls forward – putting some distance between him and the released hornets, and going under a BEEF kick attempt. BEEF turns around with a closeline, only for Fury to hook the arm and fire him off with an Irish whip towards another container. Again his fear of wasps kicks in, and BEEF is able to get his arms up to block. Fury charges in with a spear – happy to send both of them into the container, but BEEF counters with a kneelift. Running on adrenaline, Fury shakes off the knee to the head, and hooks the leg – trying to use a single leg takedown to drive BEEF into the container. Shoving his elbows out across the top rope, BEEF is reminded of high school wrestling as he desperately tries to keep his shoulders in the air. Fury keeps pushing in, crunching BEEF like an accordion, as he leans precariously back on top of the wasp container.

Randy: How has it not shattered?
Hawke: I don’t know but if we could see BEEF’s face, I bet he’d look like he was having kittens. Scrambling to avoid being thrown through that container, and what incredible strength on Fury’s part getting the three-hundred plus pound man up there.
Magnus: Get a room!

Groaning as he pops the tape around his ribs, Fury manages to get the other leg up – now going for a double leg takedown. Instincts kicking in, Beef suddenly crosses the legs – and shoving off, comes out of the corner with a-

Hawke: Headscissors! BEEF is just full of surpris-

#SHATTER#

Hawke: And while taking Fury over, both men knocked over that glass container – another dozen murder hornets aided to the dome!
Randy: And the first group have taken to the air. I know legal made sure the cage would hold them, but I’m still uncomfortable being this close to them.
Hawke: Actually I think legal had their hands full trying to import these wasps to New York State.
Randy: Damn it.

Seeing the new set of wasps, BEEF takes a few steps back – then remembering his suit, charges in with an overhand cop that grounds Fury. Kneeling over him, BEEF starts to nail repeated elbows to the side of Fury’s face.

Magnus: Hope Red enjoyed his harlequin romance looks while they lasted, because we’re seeing Tenderized BEEF!
Hawke: Fury has been chasing this match for so long, he jumped at the opportunity, but from those injuries it doesn’t look like he was ready.
Magnus: PLEASE. BEEF might be dominating “Mister GUNS” but he’s doing it while no doubt having a full on panic attack from this disgusting stipulation. Don’t give any excuses for when Fury is a stain on the canvas, BEEF is doing God’s work.

Grabbing Fury’s wrist, BEEF pulls him up like a rag doll with such strength that he might dislocate the muscular arm. Beef starts to whip him towards the third container, only to turn it, shooting Fury into the ropes – as the Buckeye Bruiser comes back, BEEF nails a flapjack.

Randy: GROUNDED BEEF! And THERE’S THE COVER! It’s over!
Hawke: Referee Mitch Mitchell complimenting BEEF’s wasp protection suit, wondering where he got it in that colour, and reminding him that pinfalls won’t count until all the wasps have been released.

Shrugging, BEEF picks up Fury and charges into the far corner with a running buckle bomb!

#SHATTER#

Hawke: BEEF BOMB! Fury is DEAD – and Beef just nonchalantly destroyed the third container.
Randy: Yeah, but he went through it too – and those wasps aren’t looking as docile as the last two groups.

Beef knows the suit protects him, but the three wasps flying around his visor still kick in flight mode. Crawling away from Fury, Beef swats at the bees – trying to make them leave him alone, but only succeeding in angering them further. Eventually he stops flailing, and takes a zen like approach – which causes them to join the others in flying around the ceiling. The distraction is just the time Fury needs to regain consciousness. Helping him wake up is an angry wasp that penetrates his abdomen.

Hawke: Fury getting stung again-
Randy: Is he hulking up or just having a spasm from the pain?
Magnus: Sadly, probably both.

Before Fury can shake back up to his feet, BEEF grounds him with a kneedrop. Standing over his prey, BEEF kicks away at the back of his head – trying not to make big movements that might attract the local wildlife.

Hawke: WAIT, FURY WITH A FISTFUL OF GLASS FROM THAT BROKEN CONTAINER, TRYING TO CUT A HOLE IN BEEF’S SUIT!
Randy: BEEF desperately trying to pull his leg away, but Fury going to town!
Magnus: Leave it to Red to CHEAT with a sharp weapon.
Hawke: Everything in the dome is perfectly legal-
Magnus: If you’re in love with Red no skin off my back, Hawke, but we’ve been colleagues long enough that I think you’d ask permission before lusting after my ex.
Randy: He’s not wrong, Hawke.
Hawke: ...You both have problems.

A series of overhand chops finally knock Fury off of him. Leg free, BEEF pops off another thrust kick – which breaks the glass in Fury’s hand drawing blood. Spotting a hole in his suit by the ankle, BEEF takes a few steps back and starts trying to tie it off before a wasp can get in. BEEF succeeds in his knot, just as Fury gets back up to his feet. The two men again meet in the middle of the ring to exchange rapid-fire fists. With glass in his right hand, Fury is forced to go southpaw.

Hawke: Fury with a forearm smash, but BEEF answers with an overhead chop, which rocks the challenger. And another – BEEF herding Fury towards the forth box.
Randy: BEEF has a chance to become X*Crown champion later tonight, he needs to finish Fury fast to focus on the main event.
Magnus: Of course, BEEF would have been GUNS choice for Overheated – but sadly since GUNS is the permanent home of the X*Crown, we weren’t allowed to send a second representative. I’m sure that BEEF will keep Fox honest though, just as I am that GUNS will retain possession at the end of the night.

Just as the brawl is starting to heat up, a murder hornet starts to buzz in Fury’s face. He takes a right from BEEF, but rather than trade one back, Redmond has to take a step back to avoid the stinger. BEEF tries to punch the wasp into Fury’s face! ...Only it flutters to the right, and is more swatted away, leaving Fury to take another nasty shot. Even though it REALLY grosses him out, BEEF snatches the wasp out of the air – and stabs it into Fury’s face!

Hawke: BEEF USING THE HORNET AS A SHIV!
Magnus: THAT WAS REALLY CLOSE TO HIS EYE-
Randy: Did he Dylan Black him?

Fury is brought to his knees, shuddering in pain. Pulling the hornet out of his face, blood splashes the canvas. More shuddering. Fury slowly looks up – a large gash a few centimetres from his right eye. Almost blinded.

Randy: I’d say BEEF took it too far, but between throwing Fury overboard into the Atlantic, and then hundreds of feet down an alien hell mouth – that ship has sailed.
Magnus: Half an inch, and it would have pulped Red’s eye.
Hawke: More of this killer instinct from the former bodyguard that has won over the XHF in recent months-

Clenching his right fist, and breaking the class that was lodged in it, Fury tosses a fistful of blood into BEEF’s facemask blinding him. As BEEF tries to wipe it off, Fury charges in with a series of Bicep Smashes. Forgetting the visor, BEEF covers up – only for Fury to reach up and SPIN the wasp protective helmet around, completely blinding BEEF. As BEEF flails around throwing blind haymakers with one hand, while trying to turn the visor back – Fury continues to work him over with the brutal Bicep shots.

Hawke: WAIT, Fury using that costume against BEEF-
Magnus: What ridiculous cheating – how does GUNS continue to cheer this monster?

Snatching a murder hornet out of the air with his good hand, Fury ducks a blind lariat, and yanking open BEEF’s collar – shoves the insect down his suit. BEEF spins around with another lariat, but Fury again ducks, tucking the collar back to give the insect no escape!

Magnus: Oh no-
Randy: That’s so vicious.

BEEF finally spins his visor back around, and starts to wipe away the blood when it hits him. Almost doubling over in pain – BEEF wonders if one of his muscles exploded because he is so incredibly ripped. That would be troubling. Then another stabbing pain which is more troubling. Realizing that something is in his suit, a still blinded BEEF starts to slap at the suit – trying to crush the uninvited guest, while still spasming over and over again like he’s been stung a dozen times. Insane with pain, BEEF frantically tries to punch his visitor. Where is it? Rather than give him time to think, Fury hits a Pec-Plex! BEEF doesn’t have time to sell it though, jumping right back up to his feet with another hornet shot. When Fury goes for another, BEEF throws his arms away, and charges in the general direction of the attack with a-

Randy: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!

#SHATTER#

Hawke: BEEF going for his beloved version of the pounce, but nowhere near Fury and runs smack dab into the fourth container! All the murder hornets have been released, and they are not happy!
Magnus: Well those containers did have lids they could have opened instead.
Randy: I don’t know what they expected from this – open lids? This is Hoss city.

Scrambling back up to his feet, an enraged BEEF finally rips the top of his uniform clean off. Mask and torn shirt fall to the canvas. No longer protected from the hated insect, but from the 13 bloody wounds on his body, BEEF is over getting stung. In many other ways, he’s far more traumatized. They’ll be time for therapy later. Right now he has to rip off Mr. GUNS’ head, and take a dump down the hole it leaves.

Hawke: BEEF finally shows his face- and looks livid.
Randy: Full hornets released, so pinfalls count, not that these two won’t go for the knockout.

The two meet in the center of the ring, brawling again. Left. Right. Left. Right. With Fury only using the one hand, it’s only a matter of time before BEEF gets the advantage. Setting up a roaring elbow-

Randy: BEEFbo- nope.

Before BEEF can hit the brutal shot, the big man is stung by another murder hornet.

Hawke: The champion trying to walk off that bug sting, but Fury charging in- PEC POP!

Fury starts to punch BEEF with his pectoral muscle – only to stop, as he too is stung. On the pec.

Hawke: BEEF trying to capitalize on Fury’s discomfort with an overhand chop, but Fury catches it – and turns it into THE ORPHANIZER!!!!

At least he tries, in mid-swing Fury rams head first into one of the many hornets, which stings him in the face! Did it get the eye?

Hawke: Half an inch from the eye... with this many wasps, they really should be wearing goggles.
Magnus: BEEF tried too...

As Fury shakes violently from the pain, he is easy pickings for BEEF to lift him up in the air for a torture rack.

Hawke: Here we go – BEEF has him up for the TORTURED BEEF!!!
Randy: It’s over!

Before BEEF can follow through with the Samoan drop finish – a Murder Hornet lands on his chin. He suddenly gets very still, not wanting to get stung in the throat. Fury doesn’t have the same compulsions, wiggling out of the torture rack – or just making enough racket that BEEF eventually lets go out of self-preservation. Seeing the bad situation that BEEF is in, Fury nods in understanding, and starts to walk away.

Hawke: Fury letting BEEF try to get the hornet away from his jaw. Damn decent of him.
Randy: You don’t want to mess around with stingers to the throat – remember My Girl?

Psyche! Having gone out of the ring, Fury uses the ropes to slingshot back in with a kneelift that rams the hornet into BEEF’s face!

Hawke: BUCKEYE SHOT II! And there’s the pin-

ONE!

Magnus: MASSIVE KICKOUT!
Randy: I’m not sure that was BEEF trying to get out of the pin, as much as spasming from the stinger to the throat.

Grabbing BEEF by the back of the neck, Fury starts to go for a rocker dropper into the ropes – only as he jumps off, BEEF backdrops him up in the air. High enough that Fury is sent crashing into a dozen hornets that are circling the dome’s ceiling.

Hawke: I don’t know how many stingers he took from the ride, but Fury thrown into the swarm!
Randy: Look at those welts – they are both pushing around fifteen – we should get some odds on this.

Even though he seems to be Swiss cheese, Fury lands on his feet – the perfect opportunity for a pop-up powerbomb! BEEF takes an extra step with the move to send Fury back first into a pile of glass, and hangs on for a pin. Trying to avoid a murder hornet, it takes Mitch Mitchell a second to get into position-

Hawke: SITOUT POWERBOMB!

ONE!

TWO!

Randy: Kickout!
Magnus: Come on ref, he had ‘em!

Slowly getting up, BEEF calls for the Pressed BEEF.

Randy: PRESSED BEEF – and Fury is already a corpse, no answer for this-

BEEF starts to lift Fury up... when he notices the ring curtain moving.

Hawke: Who is-
Magnus: Oh come on, this is GUNS time! Get him out of here.

Tinto the CAR Orphan staggers out from under the ring, holding his throat. He seems to be gasping.

Randy: I’m inclined to agree with you Magnus, this isn’t appropriate.
Hawke: Mr. Rip’N’Terror, a former Phoenix champion, once again looking to steal the title – but this match is too dangerous for adults let alone children.
Randy: Wait, he looks like he’s in real trouble...

Out of the back races Marty Donovan with an EpiPen in his hand, because OF COURSE Marty Donovan carries an EpiPen around with him everywhere. Arriving at ringside, the Hardkore World star demands that officials open up the cage to help the strung orphan. They aren’t inclined to agree, having been tricked before.

Hawke: Marty Donovan trying to get Tinto an EpiPen – is he allergic to wasp stings?
Randy: Well with these hornets, a boy that size is going to be pretty susceptible to their venom.
Hawke: Officials stalling however...
Magnus: In fairness, these two are constantly jerking around our division...

As Marty threatens officials on the outside, Tinto face plants on the concrete. Seeing this BEEF freezes, as My Girl flashes before his eyes.

Magnus: SNAP OUT OF IT BEEF! MY GIRL IS JUST A MOVIE!

The My Girl trauma flooding through his thoughts, BEEF doesn’t notices Fury behind him until it’s too late.

Hawke: BUCKEYE BREEZE!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

DING! DING! DING!

Magnus: Wait – what?

Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match and NEW XHF Phoenix Champion, Redmond Fury!!!!!!!

Magnus lets off a string of curse words that sees his headset cut off. “Real American” plays as GUNS Nation goes wild for their in-house hero. The DTF fans are less happy their muscular star being robbed. Marty finally convinces the officials to open the dome, so that he can maybe still save Tinto’s life? The boy isn’t moving.

Hawke: Both Redmond Fury and BEEF have so many fans that the result is polarizing.
Randy: Not just losing the Phoenix, but the amount of damage he sustained, BEEF is going to be hurting going into the X match.

The announcers clearly avoid mentioning Tinto because they don’t want to sensationalize a snuff video. Kneeling over the boy, Marty Donovan raises the EpiPen – only for Tinto to start laughing.

Tinto: Bahahaha- got you, Mister Marty!

Marty Donovan: WHY?

Tinto: It was funny. SO FUNNY.  You should see your face!

As hilarious as Tinto finds My Girl parodies, the smile fades as he notices a few Murder Hornets flying around the Ready Creek heroes. Before Marty can try to explain why this prank wasn’t harmless, the two are running out of the dome – pursued by a dozen murder hornets.

Hawke: Well it looks like Tinto is alright.
Randy: At least for now, with those tiny legs – the insects may catch up with him yet.
Hawke: Let’s hope the two of them can make it to Lightning McQueen and lock the doors first.

Having chased the XHF Phoenix championship, his belt, since last year’s Night of Champions – Fury is finally reunited with the belt. Climbing a turnbuckle, the bloody champion raises it to a mixed but largely positive reaction. Searching the many smiling faces in the audience, Fury’s gaze falls on the sour puss of Magnus. Hopping down, The Buckeye Bruiser makes his way out through the door, and approaches the announce position.

Redmond Fury: Look Magnus... this has been going on for far too long.

The GUNS owner seems furious, then taken aback, and starts to soften. Are the two about to bury the hatchet?

Redmond Fury: What are we doing here, Magnus? I don’t know how we got so far away from what we had...

Magnus: Look Red… I...

Redmond Fury: But I do have an honest question for you... and I really need an answer... 

Magnus: ...yes, Red...

Redmond Fury: Magnus ...is that a Murder Hornet in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Magnus: What?

Before Magnus can get it, Redmond Fury holds up a squirming giant insect, and shoves it down Magnus’ pant pocket. As Magnus starts shudder like he’s been stung into oblivion – the mixed crowd suddenly start hooting and hollering, having been thoroughly won over by Mister GUNS. For his part, Redmond Fury climbs the announce position and tears his “Fury Road” T-shirt in half, like he put on a new one just to shred.

Hawke: Paramedics coming out to check on Magnus-
Randy: He’s going to need it.
Hawke: And BEEF in the ring, processing his My Girl memories and this upset-

BEEF punches one of the climatron’s walls – his awesome power almost knocking it open. The audience seem a little uncomfortable like more of the deadly insects could be unleashed on the crowd. Exiting the dome, BEEF starts to head up the aisle – leaving animal handlers to use smoke to contain the remaining murder hornets. A dozen members of the ring crew go to dismantle the climatron. As Magnus is loaded on a stretcher, his long-term victim – Redmond Fury poses for the crowd.

Randy: Hellacious strength on the part of BEEF-
Hawke: Given the mood he's in, I would not want to be the other participants in the X*Crown match.  In the meantime, as we get on top of these hornets, what better time to throw it over to New York City traffic-

---

Outside the Central Savings Bank, where the XHF Night of Champions is occuring, CAR has assembled at a red light.

Grandma Mary: Welcome, XHF fans, to the CAR Silicone Cup! The CAR Cup made from a chest prosthetic. I’m glad you have found the light!

Uncle: The arena exit signs were well lit. Oh! You mean the street light.

Grandma Mary: I meant the light in each of our teams’, and our CARnie fans’, hearts that shine a little brighter for a CAR race. The whole CAR Planning Committee would like to thank the XHF and XHF Community, excepting GUNS, for welcoming us into their hearts and minds.

Uncle: By “minds”, do you mean thinking about how much fun CAR is to watch?

Grandma Mary: Please welcome the Angry Mad Chemists! Recently they have been mistaken for a cult with a device that causes infatuation with them. This seems wholly false, anyone with their driver’s backside is sure to cause infatuation.

Uncle: I believe he’s still sensitive about that.

Grandma Mary: Oh. Well. Next to them we have the CopyCat, an impressive winner despite the reduced horsepower of his eco-friendly vehicle.

Uncle: The vehicle is entirely made from cardboard and powered by the man running with it strapped to his body.

Grandma Mary: He won the Sippy Cup and traffic is certainly keeping things walking speed.

Uncle: This is a race, Mother!

Grandma Mary: I’m introducing the crews! Fans, please welcome Mother. The Car.

Uncle: Congratulations to the crew for their-

Grandma Mary: The whole CAR Planning Committee extends their best wishes for the future!

Uncle: Such a happy place to be in one's life.

Grandma Mary: The Happiest Place. Sadly, the same sentiment cannot be extended to our final crew, Reedy Creek. And with that we are read-

The light changes to green.

CAR Silicone Cup
NYC Traffic Nightmare Race
Angry Mad Chemists Vs BANG Vs MOTHER! The Car Vs Reedy Creek Racing

Grandma Mary: Go!

Uncle: And they're off! Reedy Creek and CopyCat are in the lead as they sprint off the starting line.

Grandma Mary: CopyCat is moving surprisingly fast today. But Mother is right on their heels.

Uncle: AMC is bringing up the rear but this is still everyone's race as the racers catch up to the traffic.

Grandma Mary: Wow! This traffic is like four lanes of Grandfather Mountain Highland Games' traffic. Someone grab some bagpipes! They aren’t going to escape this quickly.

Uncle: I thought Mongo secured a closed road for this race?

Grandma Mary: He asked if we would go halfsies- the traffic are the obstacles this month.

Uncle: Ahh! That’s what you were hiding from me?

Grandma Mary: Sure. CopyCat has started weaving through the other cars like an overly wide bicycle.

Uncle: I think the Industrial Woman just caused a fender bender.

Grandma Mary: She looks fine. I’m sure the other car just panicked at the sound of someone else's horn and decided to kiss someone else’s bumper with their bumper.

Uncle: Reedy Creek sure is leaning on their insulting horn.

Grandma Mary: Those insults, while surprising, don’t seem to be phasing the drivers around them.

Uncle: Yeah. We can’t play what the non-racers are saying in response.

Grandma Mary: Oh, come on! Let’s see what happens:

The radio cracked as they turn the volume up:
Billy: BEEP BEEP MOTHER TRUCKERS! Chemical weapons away!

The radio is turned back down as the Chemists do nothing because that isn’t an approved modification and use of an unapproved modification would forfeit the race.

Grandma Mary: Well. That was anticlimactic.

Uncle: Honestly, it was better than I thought it would be. Looks like they've hit a red light.

Grandma Mary: Wow. They’re all stuck here. No one got past it. I think this is a great time to talk about our CAR Sponsor-

Uncle: Uh oh, there appears to be a man who has made his way onto the crosswalk. I thought we shut those down? Maybe he’s a fan or venue employee?

Grandma Mary: Oh, he’s gonna get hurt, someone needs to get him out of there!

Uncle: I can’t believe it, this man is now standing in the middle of the road seemingly trying to flag these cars down?!

Grandma Mary: What is he doing??

Uncle: Does anyone recognize him? This guy is gonna get himself and everyone else killed!

The light changes to green and all vehicles resume their journey.

Uncle: Mother just whizzed past him, and he didn’t even look up from his phone!

Grandma Mary: Is that? Yes, that is Hardkore World’s color commentator, Phil Blauer?

Uncle: But what is he doing in the road?

Sound amplifying equipment for audience response:

Phil: Uber?? Are any of you guys my Uber?

Phil throws his arms up exasperated.

Phil: I really don’t have time for this, I have to get to the show or Gilligan O’Halloran or whatever his name is does that thing where he points to his wrist where a watch would be.

CopyCat attempts to run past as Phil tries to get in the “backseat” of the cardboard car. He can’t find the door handle, because there isn’t one.

Phil: Finally! Take me to Liberty Ave in Lower Manhattan! And step on it!

Phil sniffs and eyes the smoking cigar against the cardboard side of the car.

Phil: Look chum, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job but having your front seat on fire is not how you get a 5 star rating.

Phil walks towards another side street for better options.

Grandma Mary: -and stay out. How did the rest of the teams take this?

She turns the radio back up:

Billy: NO YOOOOOUR MOTHER IS A BEAVER! How rude you all are!

She turns the radio back down.

Uncle: I did notice an odd number of beavers in the city today.

A large number of Pokemon Bidoof are dancing on the sidewalks of the race course.

Grandma Mary: That’s a rude thing to say about a lady. Oh! You mean the furries? That’s not what I think of when I hear the term beaver.

Uncle: I suppose they do look a little cartoonish. They aren’t wearing pants! Or Shirts! I don’t think anyone was ready to see this many naked beavers in the city today.

Grandma Mary: You do understand it’s a colloquial anatomical term, right?

Uncle: I think these are from a kids cartoon. They seem to be taunting the AMC.

Grandma Mary: That’s a no then? Mother is really in the racing spirit today. Accelerating and slamming on her breaks like that joke about a blonde at a blinking red light.

Uncle: What joke?

Grandma Mary: What goes VROOM, Screech, VROOM, Screech, VROOOM, Screech?

Uncle: Not Reedy Creek, they are really gliding through the traffic. Look at the lane change. Like tempered rage or barely controlled fury. Beautiful. It’s like watching the clouds roll in.

Grandma Mary: Speaking of clouds rolling in, it looks like NYC is about to get a summer thunderstorm to rival Florida. I wonder if that’s the metaphor Reedy Creek wants?

Uncle: Wha- Oh. That’s a shade of purple blue that reminds me of the whale here at the NYC’s American Museum of Natural History.

Grandma Mary: A curtain of rain is chasing the racers.

The Forest Force usher spectators from the metal bleachers onto the sidewalks and into stores.  In the crew designated area, Tinto grabs himself with a metal shield, and hides under a tree. J.R. runs to Bogdan with an umbrella, because the most toxic relationship in the XHF is kind of a cute couple.  The oncoming wall of water hits with a bang of thunder. A bright day suddenly turns dark, except for the flashes of lightning.

The radio amplifies the concerns of others:
Ovi: Surely our ablative armor and chemical engine will counter the fact our car is unpainted ferro-magnetic metal …

The amount of metal used in CAR is concerning. Except for CopyCat. Who is, in fact, surrounded by non-electromagnetic cardboard. It is now very wet. He is very wet. The “vehicle” is showing serious signs of deterioration.

Grandma Mary: Oh! The final red light before the finish line. Reedy Creek has slammed to a stop. Mother would have run it but had to stop or slam into Reedy Creek. CopyCat has swerved to avoid hitting anyone in their delicate vehicle.

Uncle: Another person in the crosswalk? Jez. Where is the Forest Force?

Grandma Mary: Still helping people off the- *pause for thunder* - bleachers. That was a close one. Only three seconds.

Uncle: Lightning can hit anywhere in two miles. If you count the number of seconds between the flash of lightning and the sound of thunder, and then divide by 5, you'll get the distance in miles to the lightning. That’s anything within ten seconds.

Grandma Mary: Right now, I’m more concerned about visibility. *Pause for thunder* We can’t call off the race that is so close to the end, but I can’t see all the vehicles now and the finish line is even further away.

Uncle: I’m more concerned that the vehicles can’t see each- *Thunder clap* -other.

Grandma Mary: Green light! The traffic is movin’ but I can’t see who is where anymore.

Uncle: Well, I’m right here and I think this is a great time to tell you about this race’s sponsor- *Crack of thunder drowns out what he says next*

Grandma Mary: I agree! Please support CAR by supporting our sponsor *Thunder shakes the room*.

Uncle: And there’s the end of the race whistle. Time to talk winners!

Grandma Mary: Every crew at CAR is a winner! Our four crews this month did an excellent job, especially considering the inclement climate. You are all winners to me! And each other. This month’s Fan Belt is a four way tie.

Uncle: For those who aren’t ‘in-the-know’ and somehow still with us, the Fan Belt is a CAR title awarded to the crew that receives the most votes each month we have voting open. Any XHF user in good standing can cast a vote for a crew that raced that month during the voting window on the voting thread.

Grandma Mary: CAR values participation and positive feedback from our fans. CAR would like to thank the following people for their help in planning today’s race: Kuroi, Johnnie Valentine, and D-Flipz.

A text message lights up Grandma Mary’s cell phone.

Uncle: Oh, good. You had someone snap a photo of the finish line. Wait. Is that a yellow cab car blocking the whole shot? Do you have it from a different angle?

The two swipe through other photos.

Grandma Mary: This rainstorm is really… not helping.

Uncle: The Silicone Cup is the CAR XHF title and will be awarded to one crew. One. Crew. Mom. One. Crew.

Grandma Mary: Alright fine. Here’s an almost acceptable shot. The winner of this year’s Silicone Cup is Angry Mad Chemists. Y’all are the biggest boob.

From several blocks away
Billy: *sobs* MY BOOB! FINALLY! …. Now I need a complete set …

Uncle: They aren’t…

Grandma Mary: Please join us next month in CAR for a Sippy Cup Qualifier. New crews that want to race next month are accepted now through the end of the sign up window on the 5th.

---

Hawke: Alright, up next is the SCCW World Championship match so we're gonna turn things over to Aleister Mayfield!
Randy: Do us proud, Ronnie!
Hawke: I hope Ronnie doesn't get mentioned, if he does it means something went wrong.
Randy: A toast to the best tech guy in the Network!
Hawke: ...Just.....just turn our audio over to Aleister.

SCCW World Championship
Vincent Draven (c) Vs Hunter Storms

---

Josh Jones: XHF Network, it is an honor to be behind the table here at Night of Champions as we put the Diamond Training Facility on full display on our way to crowning our first ever DTF Champion! I'm Josh Jones and to my right is my Diamond Mine partner, a former champion in countless promotions, "Dynamic" Doug Stevens. Doug… is this amazing or what?
Doug Stevens: It certainly is, Josh, and for those that haven't watched our promotion yet, what are you waiting for? For two months in a row Diamond Mine has been one of the most talked about shows on the Network. One of which just happened to be last night!
Josh Jones: But tonight it's about the two men who will go one on one to crown the inaugural DTF Champion, Ulysses Cole and Dana "The Drone" Daniels.
Doug Stevens: It's a true David versus Goliath scenario for the much smaller and much less experienced, Dana Daniels but if Diamond Mine I taught us anything, it is that Dana is nothing if not resourceful.

Dana, who is backing into the corner, turns to see BEEF gearing up and running at him. He dives at the big man’s feet and BEEF can’t slow up in time, tripping over the beekeeper and smashing into the turnbuckle. Dana uses BEEF’s momentum, grabbing the tree-trunk-like legs and pulling him down into a school boy roll up. Eason is right there!

ONE!

TWO!!

THREE!!!

Visser applies a wrist lock and Kade quickly escapes with a headlock takedown. BEEF returns to the ring, behind Ulysses and grabs him, hitting a powerful sidewalk slam, shaking the ring and knocking Visser and Kade off balance a bit. Visser backs into Dana who has slipped back into the ring, tripping him up and Dana rolls Visser up this time. Eason is there!

ONE!

TWO!!

THREE!!!

Josh Jones: He ultimately secured three pins in that Diamond Rush match, as did Cole. All it will take tonight is for them to achieve one fall. If Dana can replicate the luck he had last month, he could be our champion!
Doug Stevens: Cole was impressive at Diamond Mine I and if a few other things had went his way, he would have gone to Overheated instead of BEEF and he could be fighting for the X*Crown tonight.

Trying for the top rope Oxygen Destroyer, Cole shifts BEEF around on his massive shoulders and goes for the powerbomb, but BEEF somehow has the wherewithal and lower body strength to turn the powerbomb into a top rope Hurricanrana. The two men hit the ring with a resounding thud that tests the ring crew's solid work prior to show. Cole takes the brunt of the fall but BEEF hits his head hard as well.

Jack Diamond: Holy shit did you see that!

Josh Jones: A top rope hurricanrana from BEEF, my God that was impressive!

Doug Stevens: I think both men are knocked out, guys!

Josh Jones: I’m looking at the replay now, it looks like both of them hit their heads.

Jack Diamond: And look! Each has an arm draped over the other’s chest! Eason is counting both men!

ONE!

TWO!!

THREE!!!

Ulysses Cole has made it to the top turnbuckle on one end of the ring. Cole Looks back to the downed opponents, then across to Kade. He nods and launches himself off the ropes backwards for a Coffin Drop, landing with a sickening thud on top of BEEF.

Josh Jones: THAT’S NO MOON!

Jack Diamond: Cole’s on BEEF! Kade’s on Timo!

Simultaneously both Andrew Eason and Arturo Carrillo, who slid into the ring, count.

ONE! ONE!

TWO!! TWO!!

THREE!!! THREE!!!

Doug Stevens: All that leads us here tonight, for the DTF Championship!
Josh Jones: So it is with great honor we send it to Bonnie Jenkins in the ring.

Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen the following match is scheduled for One Fall!

Crowd: ONE FALL!

Bonnie Jenkins: And is for the DTF Championship! Introducing first…

Bonnie Jenkins:… Standing at Six foot, Four inches and tipping the scales at just over three hundred and sixty pounds… from the Amboy Crater, California… The California Kaiju…Ulysses Cole!!!

The heavy beat of Blood Code hits the speakers, drawing cheers from the fans. They stomp their feet and slap the barricade in time to it as Ulysses Cole steps through the curtain, nodding his head in time.

Josh Jones: Here he comes, Doug, coined as the next big thing. I don't know about the "next" part, but he definitely has the "big" down pat.
Doug Stevens: You've got that right, even if these fans weren't stomping their feet, you'd still hear stomping from that man as he makes his way down to the ring.

He surveys the audience and grins, then starts making his way down to the ring, bruising the hands of fans brave or foolhardy enough to stick one out for a high five.

Josh Jones: Now, UC has been very quiet this week, he only gave one exclusive interview and would not let our own Joseph Beck even have a word with him last night during our Diamond Mine broadcast.
Doug Stevens: That's where we messed up, not sending Michelle to interview him. I bet we could have gotten a scoop then.

Coles slides his not inconsiderable bulk into the ring, taking some nice big stompy steps around as he soaks in the appreciation.

Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent…

Bonnie Jenkins: from Palm Springs, California, he weighs in tonight well shy of two hundred pounds and just over six foot if you include his antennae, Dana "The Drone" Daniels!!!

Dana walks out on stage dressed in his cartoon bee costume. He squats down and surveys the ring.

Josh Jones: Could you have ever guessed heading into Diamond Mine I, that Dana Daniels would come out of the evening as one of the contenders for the DTF Championship?
Doug Stevens: To be blunt, I still don't believe it, yet here we are.

As he begins to walk down the ramp, there is a text scroll at the bottom of the screen asking Jodie to forgive him and providing a phone number he can be reached at.

Josh Jones: At least he is finally going by Dana instead of La Abeja Misteriosa, after the "big" reveal last night.
Doug Stevens: I think he was the only one that thought he was doing a good job of hiding that. It's no wonder why he had problems with his ex.

Dana gets to the ring, but only steps up to the apron, not wanting to get too close to his opponent yet.

Josh Jones: DTF head referee, Andrew Eason checks both men as he goes over what he expects. He's ready, we're ready, the XHF is ready! He calls for the bell!

DTF Championship
Dana Daniels Vs Ulysses Cole

DING! DING!

Dana Daniels enters the ring hesitantly, visibly intimidated by Ulysses Cole's massive size and power. Ulysses Cole struts confidently around the ring, playing to the crowd and showcasing his charismatic personality. Dana avoids locking up with Cole, choosing to circle the ring and dodge the bigger opponent. Cole smirks, taunting Dana to face him head-on, but Dana retreats to the ropes, avoiding any confrontation.

Josh Jones: Cole is ready to get this match started but it looks like Dana is either scared or he's trying to play mind games.
Doug Stevens: Look at UC, now look at Dana. First, let's assume Dana was even smart enough TO play mind games. You'd have to be stupid to mess with Cole so it would cross each other out.

Dana finally attempts a lock-up but is easily overpowered by Cole's strength, getting thrown into the corner. Cole tries to deliver a big boot, but Dana ducks and rolls out of the ring to catch a breather. The crowd boos Dana's evasive tactics, urging him to engage Cole in the fight.

Josh Jones: Big Boot but no one's there. Dana gets out of dodge and UC is able to pull up in time before doing any damage to himself.
Doug Stevens: And this New York crowd is letting Dana hear it. It may be a cowardly move, but honestly, I can't blame the poor fool.

Back in the ring, Dana tries to gain an advantage with a quick dropkick to Cole's knee, but the big man remains unfazed. Cole chuckles, patting Dana's head patronizingly, and proceeds to toss him across the ring with ease.

Josh Jones: Did he just pat him?
Doug Stevens: I mean, Dana may be dressed like a bee but you would think a mere fly landed on Cole there the way he just bounced off of him during that weak dropkick attempt.

Dana, desperate to escape Cole's grip, manages to slip out and land a few strikes, but they have little effect on the larger opponent. .Cole catches Dana's hand mid-strike, lifts him and slams him to the mat with a resounding thud.

Doug Stevens: OH!
Josh Jones: You have to commend him for trying, but Cole is just proving to be too big and too strong right now for Dana. What's that? The crowd is actually cheering for him to get up.

The crowd actually begins to rally behind Dana, chanting his name, hoping to see the underdog put up a fight. Dana shows determination, attempting a series of basic moves like body slams and snap suplexes, but Cole powers out effortlessly each time, shoving Dana off of him.

Josh Jones: He goes for a body slam. No. Suplex… no. There is just too much mass there to move it in the way Daniels wants.
Doug Stevens: Ha, look at UC now! He's playing mind games now.

Cole starts toying with Dana, laughing and showboating, raising his arms to encourage more cheers from the crowd. In the midst of the showboating, Dana attempts a roll-up out of desperation, surprising Cole!

Josh Jones: Looking to steal it! Eason's there!

ONE!

Doug Stevens: Quick kick out!
Josh Jones: You can tell that annoyed Cole quite a bit.

Cole kicks out swiftly, looking amused. He gets to his knees and claps sarcastically for Dana's attempt. Then Cole begins to assert his dominance again. Cole grabs Dana by the top of his mask, pulling him in and lifting into a crushing bearhug, squeezing the air out of him. Dana grimaces in pain, desperately trying to break free from Cole's vice-like grip. After enduring the bearhug for what feels like an eternity, Dana manages to rake Cole's eyes, forcing him to release the hold.

Josh Jones: That bearhug was in tight, but he failed to secure Dana's arms so he was able to get his hands up and rake at the eyes. That is one way to break the hold.
Doug Stevens: Yeah, in a battle like this where you are clearly outsized, you have to take the low road at times. Smart move on Dana's part.

Both wrestlers take a moment to catch their breath, with Dana crawling towards the ropes to pull himself up. Cole charges towards Dana, aiming for a running clothesline, but the smaller wrestler ducks, causing Cole to collide with the turnbuckle. Seizing the opportunity, Dana rolls Cole up in a schoolboy pin.

Josh Jones: He ducks the clothesline and Cole eats the turnbuckle! Dana rolls him up!!!

ONE!

TWO!!

THR-KICKOUT!!!

Doug Stevens: WOW! We almost had our champion thee, Josh.
Josh Jones: And it would have been Dana Daniels. That schoolboy pin surprised Cole and he almost couldn't get the shoulder up.

Back to their feet, Cole's size and strength continues to overwhelm Dana, as he starts targeting Dana's midsection with punishing gut punches. Dana doubles over in pain, trying to catch his breath, while Cole smirks, enjoying his dominance in the ring. Cole lifts Dana effortlessly, showcasing his power with a military press slam, tossing him across the ring

Josh Jones: He's taking over now. Those punches were brutal.
Doug Stevens: And that press slam… he threw him like a lawn dart.
Josh Jones: Yeah, Dana is in a bad way right now. Cole looks to go on the attack some more.

The impact leaves Dana writhing in pain, holding his back, as Cole towers over him. Cole lifts Dana by the mask, taunting him, and then delivers a massive vertical suplex, shaking the entire ring. Cole goes for the pin, but Dana's foot is sprawled under the bottom rope.

Josh Jones: Suplex! Trying to put him away!
Doug Stevens: Look though! His foot is under the ropes!
Josh Jones: And Andrew Eason is right now it, waving Cole off from the pin attempt. Pretty good ring awareness from Dana there.
Doug Stevens: Or pure luck, but that luck may have ran out. I'm not sure I'd want to stay in a match when my opponent had the scowl on his face that UC has right now.

Cole, now slightly frustrated, delivers a series of clubbing blows to Dana's back, trying to weaken him further. Dana's movements become sluggish, and he struggles to maintain his footing as Cole continues the assault. Cole positions Dana for a powerbomb, lifting him high into the air, but Dana counters with a hurricanrana, sending Cole crashing to the mat.

Josh Jones: He just hit a hurricanrana! That is probably the most impressive move he's ever pulled off!

The crowd erupts in cheers as Dana seizes the opportunity, quickly walking to the corner and contemplating scaling them. He thinks better of it though and ascends only to the bottom turnbuckle, turning around to face Cole. Dana dives and connects with a less than stellar bottom rope splash. He lays on top for the cover!

Josh Jones: That wasn't though, but he still goes for the pin!

ONE!

TWO!!

Doug Stevens: Uh oh.

But Cole manages to sit up while holding Dana. He rolls and uses his large legs to push himself up, still holding the smaller Daniels. As he gets vertical, he lifts Dana up a bit before driving him back to the mat with a falling powerslam.

Josh Jones: He absolutely flattened him with that falling powerslam!

ONE!

TWO!!

THRE-SHOULDER UP!

Josh Jones: But Dana somehow gets a shoulder up there!
Doug Stevens: We can all agree that Dana is much smaller than Cole. But he is still nearing two hundred pounds and despite how low of impact the bottom rope splash was, for Cole to be able to sit up with him, get to his feet and slam him down… that's impressive. I really thought he was putting him away there.

Josh Jones: You have to give Dana credit for having so much heart. Cole doesn't look happy about it though and is in Andrew Eason's face now.

Cole's frustration begins to show as he glares at the referee, questioning the count's speed.

Doug Stevens: He thinks twice about getting too close to the ref and turns his attention back to Dana.

Cole remains in control, using his raw power to toss Dana into the corner with authority. Dana clings to the turnbuckle for support, attempting to catch his breath, but Cole charges at full speed for a body avalanche. At the last second, Dana sidesteps, causing Cole to crash chest-first into the turnbuckles.

Josh Jones: No one home again! The way Dana flies around and avoids the high impact moves against him is akin to a bee getting swatted at but being missed.
Doug Stevens: Yeah and now he looks poised and ready to sting!

Dana seizes the opening, taking Cole down with a basement dropkick to the back of his knees, causing the big man to stumble forward. With Cole off balance, Dana lunges forward, connecting with a running forearm smash to the back of Cole's head.

Josh Jones: Running forearm but Cole is still on his feet!
Doug Stevens: Between the basement dropkick and the forearm, Dana is throwing some bombs and on normal men he may have even gotten a huge advantage, but Cole isn't normal.

Cole staggers but remains on his feet, still showing resilience despite the offense he has endured .Dana refuses to back down, bouncing off the ropes and attempting another forearm smash, but Cole catches him mid-air.

Doug Stevens: Oh no, this isn't good.
Josh Jones: Coles catches the flying bee, and has the bear hug locked in!

Cole showcases his strength, holding Dana in a bearhug position and rag-dolling him a bit before tossing him overhead with a belly-to-belly suplex. The impact leaves Dana sprawled on the mat, clutching his back in agony, as Cole takes a moment to catch his breath.

Josh Jones: High impact belly-to-belly! If Cole's stamina was just a bit higher, he would be winning the title right now! Dana is in pain!

Cole measures Dana as he struggles to get back up, and then charges, attempting a running big boot. At the last second, Dana ducks, and Cole's boot crashes into the top turnbuckle, causing him to stagger backward in pain. Dana takes advantage, rushing forward and hitting a running bulldog, planting Cole's face into the mat.

Josh Jones: What a bulldog!
Doug Stevens: Again, Cole charges, Dana evades, and Dana comes out on top. It may not work the more he gets scouted but he's been very wily in his first two DTF matches.

Dana scrambles to the bottom rope again looking to capitalize on his momentum, and launches himself off with another low impact diving elbow drop, but Cole rolls out of the way just in time, and Dana crashes and burns, clutching his injured ribs.

Josh Jones: No one home on that elbow drop.
Doug Stevens: And that's why the man doesn't go beyond the bottom rope. I'm sure it doesn't feel great, especially if you hit your funny bone, but really Dana should just be able to get right back up; whereas if he had done that from the top, Cole would be able to capitalize.

Cole uses this opportunity to recover, taking a few moments to regain his composure as Dana struggles to get back up. Cole lifts Dana onto his shoulders, showcasing his raw power, and prepares for his Torture Rack into Powerbomb finisher.

Josh Jones: Cole is going to put it away with the Oxygen Destroyer! No!
Doug Stevens: He slides out of it! He rakes him across the back! Bold move!

But Dana manages to wriggle free, sliding off Cole's shoulders and landing on his feet behind him. Dana capitalizes on Cole's momentary confusion by raking the big man's back! Angered, Cole turns around and Dana wraps his arms around him for a bear hug.

Doug Stevens: Uh…
Josh Jones: His arms don't even fit all the way around Cole's large frame.
Doug Stevens: It's a bear hug without the bear, and that is saying a lot around this network. Wait, what is Cole doing…
Josh Jones: Looks to be having some fun in there with Dana.

Dana squeezes, as Cole looks around to the crowd in a "this guy can't be serious, right?" moment. The crowd is in a frenzy so Cole plays along, pretending to fight towards the ropes, when in actuality he could have broken it at any moment. Cole makes it to the ropes, forcing the break. Dana holds up his thumb and index finger, close together, signaling to Cole how close he was to making the big man submit.

Doug Stevens: See, here's my problem. Dana really thinks he was hurting Cole. This is dangerous. It over inflates the ego of someone that is clearly not all there.
Josh Jones: Would you rather he beat him to a pulp instead?
Doug Stevens: Well, if the shoe fits…

Dana continues to fight with all he has, trying to outsmart his larger opponent. Dana aims for a running dropkick, targeting Cole's knee, but the Cole side steps, causing Dana to crash into the turnbuckle. Cole takes advantage of the situation, charging towards Dana with a running splash in the corner. At the last possible second, Dana dives out of the way, and Cole collides with the turnbuckle, his massive frame shaking the ring.

Josh Jones: Did you see the way the ring shifted there? That would have ended Dana if it had connected.
Doug Stevens: Both men came up empty on that sequence, but it looks like Dana is calling for the splash!
Josh Jones: JODIE GIVE DANA A SECOND CH-
Doug Stevens: He's caught!

Dana, seizing the opening, attempts his Stinger Splash finisher but Cole catches him in mid-air, transitioning into a rib-crushing backbreaker, leaving Dana gasping for air.

Doug Stevens: Oh! Horrible looking backbreaker, I hope Dana is ok…
Josh Jones: I think he'll get over that move in no time…

Cole lifts Dana up once again, this time setting him up for a powerbomb. With a display of his raw strength, Cole hoists Dana high overhead, holding him up for a few seconds before driving him into the mat with a thunderous powerbomb. The reverberation of the powerbomb makes the canister of bees tip over and roll towards where the two men are.

Josh Jones: Thunderous powerbomb!
Doug Stevens: It's over!

Cole goes for the cover, hooking Dana's leg.

ONE!

TWO!!

….

Doug Stevens: Look out!

The referee jumps up. Bees are angrily buzzing around. Dana had felt the canister and had just enough consciousness to open it, distracting the referee and now Cole who is dancing around in the ring, swinging his massive hand at the bees.

Josh Jones: They are everywhere! This situation just got intense!

Dana rolls to the outside of the ring, seeking a moment of respite, but Cole quickly follows, not giving him any rest, even if it is to get away from the bees. Cole grabs Dana by the antennae on his mask, yanking him back up, and hurls him into the steel ring steps with tremendous force. The impact causes the steps to shift slightly, as Dana collapses to the floor in agony, holding his shoulder.

Josh Jones: Into the steps!
Doug Stevens: Those steps are unforgiving too.
Josh Jones: They need to get it back into the ring before someone gets hurt.

Cole smirks, taking a moment to admire his handiwork before stalking Dana who crawls under the ring to try and get away from the massive Cole. Before Cole can bend down, he notices the opposite apron move and looks across the ring, seeing Dana come out that side but never stand. The crowd is cheering.

Doug Stevens: Dana is playing a cat and mouse game with him now.
Josh Jones: Cole tracked him to the other side. He thinks he's hiding just like he thought people didn't know who he was.

Dana is obviously hiding so Cole smirks and begins walking around the ring saying "Little Bee, Little Bee, Let me in". As he rounds the last corner, Dana explodes with a Sling Blade that catches Cole completely off guard, taking him down to the ground with force. Dana lifts the bigger man up and rolls him into the ring, following behind.

Josh Jones: Sling Blade! He's using all his strength to roll him into the ring! This could be it!

Dana immediately follows up with a standing moonsault, hooking Cole's leg.

ONE!

TWO!!

KICKOUT!!!

Doug Stevens: Dana is really picking up the pace with two excellent moves!

Crowd: DA-NA DAN-IELS!
Clap. Clap. Clap-clap-clap.
Crowd: DA-NA DAN-IELS!
Clap. Clap. Clap-clap-clap.

Josh Jones: This crowd is loving it! Say, Doug, does Dana look ok to you?

Dana, sensing the end may be near, signals for his signature Stinger Splash finisher.
The crowd roars in excitement, rallying behind Dana as he lunges towards Cole in the corner.
But Cole manages to sidestep, causing Dana to crash chest-first into the turnbuckles.

Doug Stevens: Misses the Splash! But yeah, Dana looks fine. It just seems like it finally clicked for him here in DTF. He's moving around that ring with purpose, determination, we haven't seen that out of him.

Josh Jones: Dana smashes into the corner and now it looks like Cole is going to try and put him away with his torture rack, powerbomb move!

Cole wraps his arms around Dana's waist, preparing for his Torture Rack finisher once more.
Cole lifts Dana onto his shoulders, showing off his strength to the crowd, but Dana slips out at the last second, landing behind Cole. Dana takes off to the ropes, rebounding and just as Cole turns, he is met with a huge knee to the face that sends him falling into the ropes.

Josh Jones: The V-trigger! I can't believe it, Dana just paid homage to his former mentor, Marty Donavan by landing the Dis-knee! But Cole is tied up in the ropes. If Dana wants to capitalize then he needs to free the big man.

Dana pulls Cole out from under the ropes, and surveys the damage. He walks to the corner and adjusts his mask. Instead of going to the bottom turnbuckle, Dana gracefully scales the post this time, steadying himself on top. He jumps and lands a beautiful 450 splash! Dana makes the cover, hooking the leg with all his might!

Doug Stevens: Hm, he's been avoiding the top all match long and now jumps up there without any fear. And lands a picture perfect 450 at that!
Josh Jones: Another case of paying homage to Marty, using Marty's "Ode to Romero" move.
Doug Stevens: Or, you now, since we are in the house that Diamond built, that was a fantastic Shuffled Deck!
Josh Jones: In any case, Eason is in position as Dana makes the cover!

ONE!

TWO!!

THREE!!!

DING! DING! DING!

Bonnie Jenkins: Here is your winner, Da-

Jack Diamond is making his way down to the ring as the crowd is stunned and Dana is on his knees celebrating the hard fought victory. Bonnie can't finish her announcement because she saw Jack waving her off. Jack walks over to ringside to Bonnie Jenkins, and then to the announce table. He calls the referee outside the ring as Dana watches, having taken the DTF Championship and hugging it in the corner.

Doug Stevens: Did he just say what I think he said?
Josh Jones: Now that the action has halted, Dana does look a bit different.

The ref bends down, lifting up the ring skirt. Jack just shakes his head as out crawls Dana Daniels. They all turn towards the ring where the other Dana drops the belt, and holds up his hands. Referee Andrew Eason gets in the ring and walks over to the other Daniels, reaching up and pulling his mask off, revealing none other than Disney's Marty Donovan.

Doug Stevens: I knew it! I knew something wasn't right!
Josh Jones: Marty just pulled the switcheroo with Dana and won the title!
Doug Stevens: He would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for DTF owner Jack Diamond and those meddling refs.

Marty Donovan: What is this, some Warner Bros knock off?

Eason ejects Marty from ringside and Jack escorts him back to the back, Marty complaining and pleading his case the whole way. Andrew Eason orders Dana to get back into the ring. Cole who is just starting to stir, and realizes what just happened looks furious as he pulls himself up in the corner. Andrew Eason walks to the corner and says something to Bonnie.

Josh Jones: It looks like Dana is getting back in the ring. Marty is going to the back, where he should be anyway preparing for his match!
Doug Stevens: Same could be said for Jack, he has much bigger issues to deal with.
Josh Jones: Well, the matter of his first DTF champion is a big deal.

Bonnie Jenkins: Referee Andrew Eason has ordered this match to continue.

Josh Jones: Here we go again!

DING! DING!

Dana runs and tries for a flying crossbody, but Cole catches him in mid-air, transitioning into a powerslam. Cole hooks Dana's leg for the pinfall.

ONE!

TWO!!

THRE-KICKOUT!

Doug Stevens: So close!
Josh Jones: Big powerslam, and UC almost got it back after all the commotion!

The near fall is met with a standing ovation from the crowd. Cole smirks, impressed by Dana's tenacity, and acknowledges the crowd's cheers, signaling for his Coffin Drop finisher.

Doug Stevens: Oh we saw this move last month! If UC can hit it, it will be over!
Josh Jones: It doesn't look like he'll have a chance to land it.

Cole climbs to the top rope, poised to deliver the terrifying move, but Dana quickly rolls out of the ring to avoid the impact. Cole, annoyed by Dana's evasive tactics, decides to take the fight to the outside. He climbs out and charges at Dana, but the smaller wrestler sidesteps, causing Cole to crash shoulder-first into the steel ring post. Cole staggers backward, clutching his shoulder in pain, as Dana capitalizes with a shoulder block right to the sore arm of Cole.

Josh Jones: Oh! Dana lures him outside the ring and Cole is paying for it!
Doug Stevens: You have to wonder how much damage Marty was able to do. If Dana plays his cards right here, it could be easy pickins.

The crowd erupts in cheers as Dana climbs up on the ring apron. He leaps off with a flying crossbody, but Cole catches Dana in mid-dive, showcasing his incredible power by hoisting him overhead and tossing him back into the ring.

Josh Jones: Now, that was impressive. He just threw him up and over the top rope, back into the ring!

Cole follows, stalking Dana as the smaller wrestler struggles to get back up. As Dana gets to his feet, Cole signals for his Torture Rack finisher once more. Cole hoists Dana onto his shoulders, showing off his strength once more, but Dana manages to slip out and attempt a quick roll-up pin.

Doug Stevens: Another roll-up!

ONE!

TWO!!

THRE-KICKOUT!

Josh Jones: And another close call! That was Dana's game plan last month and it worked to pretty good success. Again he just needs one of them this month!

Cole barely manages to kick out in time but the force of the kick-out sends Dana rolling away.
Both competitors are down momentarily. As they both make their way back to their feet, Dana musters his remaining energy and charges towards Cole, attempting another running dropkick to his knee. But Cole catches Dana mid-air, causing him to slam into the mat while Cole holds his legs. The impact of Dana's head to mat causes him to be dazed. Cole bends down and drags Dana over to the corner, propping him up in a seated position. The big man walks to the opposite end of the ring.

Doug Stevens: This could all but end Dana's hopes of being a wrestler!

The big man takes of running and flips near the corner, attempting a cannonball like move, but Dana moves out of the way and Cole tails the corner, upside down and in a bad way. Dana uses all his strength to shove Cole out of the corner and covers him!

Josh Jones: BUNKER BUST-NO! DANA MOVES! No one there!
Doug Stevens: Oh my god, it's over! Dana pins and Eason counts!!!

ONE!

TWO!!

THREE-NO! KICKOUT

Josh Jones: He kicked out just as the hand was about to touch the mat for the third time!

Crowd: HOLY SHIT!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT!

Doug Stevens: I am thoroughly impressed with Dana, Josh. I mean, sure, some of it has been on the sneaky side, but sometimes you have to win at all costs!

Dana, catching his second wind, charges towards Cole, who is just getting back to his feet, with a series of forearm strikes, backing him into the ropes. Dana whips Cole across the ring with all his might, sending him rebounding off the opposite ropes. On the return, Dana attempts a back body drop, but Cole counters with a stiff kick to the chest.

Josh Jones: After all the praise, he made a poor choice there trying to go for a back body drop on someone so much larger than him! And he paid for it with that stiff kick!

The impact staggers Dana, leaving him vulnerable as Cole lifts him into a fireman's carry position, but Dana musters the strength to wiggle free. As Dana lands on his feet behind Cole, he quickly takes advantage, hitting a backstabber that sends Cole sprawling to the mat. Dana makes the cover!

Doug Stevens: That's one way to get the ball back in your court!
Josh Jones: Could it be?

ONE!

TWO!!

THR-KICKOUT!!!

Josh Jones: No! This time it's Cole barely able to escape defeat!

Both wrestlers are visibly fatigued, but their desire to win keeps them going. Dana tries to stay one step ahead, unleashing a barrage of strikes to wear down Cole. Cole absorbs the blows, his size advantage evident as he weathers the storm. Cole counters Dana's strikes with a powerful lariat, knocking Dana off his feet.

Josh Jones: He just upended him with that lariat!
Doug Stevens: It's a wonder his boots didn't fly off! But Cole isn't done!
Josh Jones: No, he isn't. It looks like he wants to put this away with the Oxygen Destroyer!

Cole lifts Dana up, setting him up for the Torture Rack once more. Dana struggles, but Cole manages to hoist him onto his shoulders, displaying his incredible power. Cole begins to apply pressure, and instead of going for the powerbomb portion, he continues to rack Dana, trying to get the submission!

Doug Stevens: That has to be pure hell for Dana right now after all the impacts he's taken in this match! But you have to give him props, he won't give up. Not sure if that was beaten into him at Marty's dojo or not.

Dana fights back, and he grits his teeth, refusing to submit. With a burst of adrenaline, Dana manages to slip out of the Torture Rack, landing behind Cole. Dana takes advantage, delivering a swift dropkick to Cole's back, sending him stumbling forward towards the corner. Cole turns around, only to be met with a surprise Stinger Splash from Dana, hitting his target perfectly.

Josh Jones: JODIE GIVE DANA A SECOND CHANCE!
Doug Stevens: Such a clever name, he's essentially got you begging Jodie now.
Josh Jones: He's going for another bulldog…

The impact drives Cole back into the corner, and Dana follows up with a bulldog, planting Cole's face into the mat. Dana steps over to the corner and climbs onto the bottom turnbuckle and attempts another diving splash.

Josh Jones: …and hits it! He's looking to follow it up with his bottom rope splash again!!!
Doug Stevens: Look out! Knees up!

But Cole gets his big knees up and Dana crashes chest-first into them, the impact knocking the wind out of him. Cole capitalizes, grabbing Dana and setting him into a powerbomb position. This time he lifts him up and flips him over, slamming him down to the mat.

Josh Jones: Kaiju Krunch! Cole is going to put it away!

A loose bee from earlier flies in and lands on Cole's neck before he can cover Dana. He swats at it but it's too late and the bee stings him. He yells out which is all it takes to give Dana a boost, as Dana rolls the big man up!

Doug Stevens: Did that…
Josh Jones: Roll-up!
Doug Stevens: ..just happen?!

ONE!

TWO!!

THR-KICKOUT!

Josh Jones: NO! Cole gets a shoulder up but he's holding his neck!
Doug Stevens: In all my years, I've never seen a bee stop someone from a pinning attempt and almost give an assist to a person dressed as a bee!

Dana, though disappointed, remains determined, knowing he must keep the pressure on if he wants to win. Dana pulls Cole back up, and tries for a hip toss but Cole blocks it, countering with a knee to Dana's midsection. Cole whips Dana into the ropes, preparing for a clothesline, but Dana ducks. On the rebound, Dana charges at full speed, hitting a running forearm smash that sends Cole reeling. Cole stumbles but manages to keep his footing. Dana, desperate to get Cole down, attempts a dropkick, but Cole swats him away easier than the bee.

Josh Jones: So many times tonight we have seen Dana get some momentum only to not be able to make it count. Cole just swatted him away like he was nothing!

Cole charges towards Dana, aiming for a clothesline again, but Dana ducks out of the way once more. On the rebound, Dana charges at full speed, hitting a running dropkick that sends Cole crashing into the turnbuckles. Dana follows up with a series of kicks and strikes, trying to keep Cole off balance.

Josh Jones: He's got some pretty good instincts, Doug. If he had a little more power he could actually be dangerous.
Doug Stevens: It's a broken record at this point, Josh. Cole charges, Dana evades. Can he get over that last hump though! He's got Cole and sends him into the corner!

Dana whips Cole into the opposite corner, setting him up for the Stinger Splash once again.
The crowd roars as Dana charges towards Cole, but Cole manages to move out of the way just in time. Dana crashes chest-first into the turnbuckles, dazed and vulnerable.

Josh Jones: Coles taking a page out of Dana's book there getting out of the way!

Cole takes advantage, grabbing Dana from behind and setting him up for a modified torture rack position. Cole lifts and turns Dana onto his shoulders, displaying his raw strength, but instead of a powerbomb, he transitions into a rolling torture rack.

Doug Stevens: Wow, I've never seen this! Cole is tossing Dana around on his shoulders like he is nothing! Racking him over and over again!
Josh Jones: I don't know if he can last much longer!

The crowd gasp as Cole spins Dana around, flipping him over and on his shoulders, applying the torture rack. He is crushing every piece of Dana, causing additional damage to his back. The pain becomes too much for Dana, and he has no choice but to tap out.

Josh Jones: There it is! He tapped!

DING! DING! DING!

Bonnie Jenkins: Here is your winner by submission…AND NEW DTF CHAMPION!!! ULYSSES COLE!!!

After the bell sounds, Ulysses Cole makes one more massive display of strength, spinning Dana around and powerbombing him out of the torture rack. He walks over to the ropes and grabs the DTF Championship from the timekeeper.

Doug Stevens: Oh! That was uncalled for.
Josh Jones: The frustration of the many near falls, the evasion all match long, dealing with Marty's shenanigans, I can't say I really blame UC there, Doug.
Doug Stevens: You're right, I understand why he did that, but it was just adding salt in the wound. Regardless, we are staring at the first ever DTF Champion and what a scary champion that is.
Josh Jones: There will undoubtedly be a target on his back, lucky for him his back is big enough to paint it! Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for allowing us to be a part of Night of Champions, and we can't wait to catch up with you all next month at Diamond Mine III! It's time for us to send it back over to Randy and Hawke!

[Mongo the Destroyer]

Hawke: Coming up next we ha-
Randy: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
Hawke: ...The XHF Ta-
Randy: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Hawke: The XHF Tag Team Championships.
Randy: BOO-
Hawke: Stop that! You lost them fair and square.
Randy: Nothing is fair when Marty is around.
Hawke: Anyway, let's turn things over to Aleister Mayfield so he can call the match!
Randy: Wait, why don't we get to call it?
Hawke: Something in his contract about SCCW wrestlers, I don't know.
Randy: BOOOOO MARTY AND OLD MAN!

XHF Tag Team Championships
Dis' N Griz' (c) Vs Cut Throat Chaos (Hunter Storms and Daigo Arakawa)

---

Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is scheduled for ONE FALL and is a UNIFICATION match for the JROK Visual Kei Championship! Sanctioned under the rules of a Golden Gauntlet match, a winner is decided when one competitor scores a pinfall or submission in the ring! This bout will have a sixty minute time limit.

Panning around the Central Savings Bank in New York City, fans light up with signs held up high, an assortment of painted fraternity bellies. Two specific fan groups are caught with the following letters painted across their chests: ‘X-H-F’ and ‘B-E-E-F’. The XHF fandom was truly at its peak here for the XHF Network’s fourteenth Night of Champions showcase.

Hawke: You can feel a palpable moment here as these fans brace for a historic moment in J-ROK’s history about to take place.
Randy: Don’t threaten me Joey! I don’t know what palpable means but it doesn’t sound enjoyable.
Hawke: (sigh) As I was saying, the next match will see a unification of the J-ROK Visual Kei Championships. Dylan Black has held the original Visual Kei title for some time now. After an incident in Tokyo however, Black decided that his talents were best utilized elsewhere and took a hiatus from the Japanese company.
Randy: You forget? He was wrestling over at GUNS instead Joey. Come’on! Everyone who is any one knows that.
Hawke: Correct partner. While Dylan was off working the ranks of GUNS, J-ROK introduced the Interim Visual Kei championship, which Brendan Harding would find in his possession after some tough battles in the land of the rising sun.
Randy: And tonight – they battle to the death to determine the true universal Visual Kei champion!
Hawke: Something like that. (rolls eyes) This may very well be the match that sets the expectation of what J-ROK’s future looks like folks. Get your drinks and snacks ready, you won’t want to miss this one!


Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing FIRST! Hailing from Camden, London, England! Weighing in this evening at two hundred twenty two pounds! The Interim JROK Visual Kei Champion, ‘King Zen’ — BREEEEEENNNNNDAAAAN HAAAAARRRRDDDDIIIIIIIINNNNNG!

"Gnostic Flesh/Mortal Hell" by Health x BackXwash x HO99O9 blares all throughout the Central Savings Bank arena. A blue light shines down over the stage as the hooded Brendan Harding makes his way out with the Interim Visual Kei championship over his shoulder. As the music picks up temp, Brendan flicks back the hood and is center stage as the spotlight shines down on him. One half of the Black Knife Cabal, who were former XHF Tag Team Champions up until Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon dethroned them. Brendan Harding however would not miss a beat and found success in singles as he continued his climb up the J-ROK ranks to become its flag bearer. On the apron now, Brendan poses for the fans briefly before stepping through the ropes and into the ring. The blue hue over the ringside area flickers white for a few moments until pyro shoots out from the backside of the ring just as Brendan Harding lifts the Interim Visual Kei title belt into the air.

Randy: This Golden Gauntlet match, what is it exactly?
Hawke: All weapons at the ringside area are completely coated in gold Randy. This will be a battle of destruction that even the mightiest kings of history could never have fathomed.

The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.

"You say I need psychotherapy

Now you're making me mad

I say you quit trying to fix me

Or this is gonna get bad"

All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arm outstretched, the hand just slightly crackling with electricity.

"If you want a battle, I'll give you a war

Think you control me, don't know what you're in for

Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see

Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me

IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!

I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus. Pausing at the top of the stage to the boos from the crowd, he offers no more than a smirk before walking down the ramp, a few ballsy fans pelting him with some trash as he makes sure to savor every second of this. He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up and gets into the ring, standing in the center with the original JROK Visual Kei Championship. Antonio Katō stands on the apron, microphone in hand as the music dies down.

Antonio Katō: And now in the ring at this time... HE STANDS AT SIX-FEET-THREE-INCHES TALL, and weighed in tonight at a slim TWO-HUNDRED-AND-SEVEN-POUNDS, he is the GREATEST UNDERAPPRECIATED NETWORK STAR, ZORAN SAINOVIC'S SUPER FRENEMY, and you all know him as the GREATEST X*CROWN CHAMPION OF THE XHF NETWORK ERA! THE DAAAAAAAAAEMON! OF MAAAAAAAYHEM! DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN! BLAAAAAAAAAACK!

Dylan raises his arm in the air, a fist in the pose of E.V.E. He turns to his corner, leaning into it while waiting for the match to start. Completely ignoring whoever may already be in or coming down to the ring.

Randy: Does he not look like a total badass when he comes out or what?
Hawke: The youngest XHF X*Crown champion in history, not to forget, a three time X*Crown champion. Since coming on the scene here in the XHF Network, Dylan Black has accomplished nearly every achievement he could possibly achieve and he’s done it with a level of precision and dominance that many fans argue; are hall of fame worthy.
Randy: Don’t suck up now Joey, we all know how bias you are against Dylan.
Hawke: What!? I have always called it–
Randy: Yeah yeah yeah, the match is starting, save it for someone who cares.

JROK Visual Kei Championship Unification
Golden Gauntlet Match
Brendan Harding (Interim) Vs Dylan Black (Original)

DING! Ding! Ding!

Brendan Harding goes for a takedown and Dylan Black sprawls to avoid it. Dylan hooks on a headlock and goes to wrench it, but Brendan grabs the wrist and bends it backward to break the lock and escape. Brendan slips behind Dylan and gets an elbow to the ribs before Dylan snap mares Brendan over his shoulder and to the mat. Dylan then locks in a pentagram choke hold that only lasts a few moments before Brendan slips it. Both men race to their feet for a stand off.

Hawke: Brendan is being tested by what fans of the XHF call one of the greatest to ever do it. Love him or hate him, and many hate him, Dylan Black has sent shockwaves through the XHF in his years with the Network.
Randy: Dylan has built a hearty resume that can be stacked against any XHF legend and be even if not better by comparison. That being said, he’s also pulling double duty tonight in the Junior Heavyweight royale of doom match.
Hawke: On one side though, you have this down right smug and arrogant version of Black that has been unstoppable. On the other side is a hungry and battle tested Brendan Harding. Tonight they decide who gets to be the true one and only JROK Visual Kei Champion.
Randy: Right now it looks like these two have each other scouted to a stalemate.

The stand off is met with a nod from Brendan that Dylan shakes his head at. Black had no respect for his opponent and wasn’t giving him any over that exchange for sure. Walking in a circle opposite one another the two close the gap and tie up — uppercut from Black! Step through palm strike to the chest by Black sends Brendan rolling into the corner. Black comes rushing in and throws a palm but it’s a fake and changes his stance to knee Brendan in the chest! Brendan slumps on Dylan who hooks his neck in a suplex and spins around, snap release suplex into the turnbuckle!

Randy: Vicious delivery by Dylan, looking to really damage the back and chest of Brendan in the early going.
Hawke: Dylan doesn’t hold back when it comes to picking apart an opponent. Once an area is targeted, he sees it through to inflict as much damage as humanly possible.
Randy: Harding needs to get outside the ring where pin falls and submissions don’t count to avoid a loss here.

Dylan cracks his neck as he stands up, smugly half smiling as he relishes the jeers of the fans.

Hawke: Crowd really giving it to Dylan.
Randy: Of course they are. He’s got such a punchable face.

Brendan follows Hawke’s advice and rolls to the outside to regain his composure. He stretches out as in the ring Dylan reaches through the ropes and reaches to grab Brendan by the head, but Brendan quickly turns around and strikes with a European uppercut that sends Dylan stumbling back into the ring.

Hawke: Quick thinking by Brendan there.
Randy: A nice shot right to the punchable face.

Brendan on the apron, goes to leap through the middle and top rope and roll, but its a knee to the face as Dylan comes sailing at him mid-journey! Brendan slumps on the middle rope, looking like laundry hanging on a rope outside in the summer. Rolling out of the ring, Black flips the ring skirt up and seeks an item. Moments later he reveals a thick golden burlap sack that’s closed by a string.

Randy: Dylan Black has plans for that table.
Hawke: Oh no, this just went full JROK with the golden thumbtacks being poured out over the golden table at ringside.

Dylan spreads the thumbtacks evenly across the distance of the table before climbing back on the apron, pulling Brendan from the second rope where he was hanging into the ring. Dylan goes for a suplex but Brendan fights it by grabbing the top rope. A straight jab to the right collar bone and Brendan let’s go, Dylan repositions himself and goes up for a kick, but Brendan blocks it! Brendan kicks the left shin of Dylan’s grabs him by the neck, but Dylan uses both hands to chop the knees and then wraps his hands around the quads of Harding. Lifting Brendan up and jumping right off the apron with a falling spinebuster to Brendan through the golden thumbtacks and table!

Randy: GOLDEN THUMBTACKS AND SPLINTERS EVERYWHERE!
Hawke: Dylan with a reversal off the apron that sends this crowd in a frenzy.
Randy: No way Brendan gets up after that. Look at how Dylan just reacted, it’s so solid.

[Replaying the clip on the XtremeTron of the Apple Arena, fans see the destruction of the golden table and the thumbtacks laid there earlier by Dylan Black.]

Hawke: Both men are going to have a hard time getting up after that.
Randy: There’s more wood out there than a Home Depot.
Randy: Are either of them moving?
Hawke: Not that I can see, and my monitor is stuck on replay.

Soon Dylan Black emerges from the rubble and crawls to the ring and begins using the ring apron to pull himself up. He turns around resting his back against the ring as he looks down at the destruction he has caused. After a few moments Dylan begins tossing aside the remnants of the table until he finds Brendan buried under it all. Dylan picks Brendan up and rolls him into the ring. Dylan gets up onto the apron and turns to the crowd to taunt them to a chorus of boos before he gets back in the ring. Dylan sends a couple of kicks to the side of Brendan before pulling him up to his feet. Dylan calls for the end before pulling Brendan in, but Brendan pulls away and delivers a quick kick to the gut and delivers a desperation DDT! Brendan falls and drapes an arm over Dylan, but Dylan kicks out!

Randy: Brendan outta knowhere!
Hawke: I don’t know how he had the energy for that after going through that tack covered table.

Both men are down as the golden gauntlet weapons and equipment ringside looks more like a golden trash dump. Broken golden tables and mangled chairs, golden glass and thumbtacks everywhere.

[“Atomic” by Don Broco rings out suddenly to a pop from the crowd.]

Hawke: IS IT REALLY HAPPENING!?
Randy: I think so! TEMERARIO is going to cash in the Golden Guitar!

TEMERARIO hits the ring within seconds with the Golden Guitar in his left hand, stopping at the referee’s side, TEMERARIO looks down at both wrestlers with hesitation. Seeming to be in pre-planning mode of whether to cash in or not, as he scans for the best course of action and the fans cheers die down with it, pausing the arena’s sound in the process. Silence comes over the Apple Arena. Suddenly TEMERARIO holds out the golden guitar and hands it to the referee, confirming he is going to cash it in!

Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, TEMERARIO has CASHED IN his Golden Guitar to enter this match for the Unified JROK Visual Kei Championship!

Lifting up Dylan Black,

Randy: He’s going to steal this one and plant his flag of victory in Dylan Black!
Hawke:


TEMERARIO hits Dylan Black with a TERMERARIO PAQUETE #1 and goes straight into the pin combination!


One!


Two!


Three—

SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!

Splinters fly everywhere as Brendan breaks up the pin by smashing the Golden Guitar over TEMERARIO’s head

Randy: And DENIED!
Hawke: Brendan takes TEMERARIO and discards him under the bottom rope to the outside ring area.
Randy: And he goes straight back to Dylan, but he’s picking him up? Just pin him Brendan!

Brendan hooks the neck of Dylan as Black’s chest faces the rafters, hoisting him up and into a tombstone position. Two steps forward and he spins, driving Dylan into the canvas with another Zen Driver! Hooking the leg for a cover, the referee slides to the side and checks the shoulders before counting.


One!


Two!


Three!

Bonnie Jenkins: Winner of this match and the UNDISPUTED JROK Visual Kei Champion —- BRENDAN HARDING!

---

Hawke: Hungry fans? You will be after our next contest, where DINOSAUR BONES will take on the reigning Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Champion Joey Chestnut – in a hot dog eating contest!
Randy: Wait, Donzig had to defend his Two Kingdoms title on Overheated because J-RoK and WUK had other title offerings. Space is limited, and I thought only title were on the line tonight. Why the heck are we announcing a competitive eating match.
Hawke: That goes back to Bones being shocked someone wanted “money” for food, and while complaining to Bonnie about it – she mentioned that affiliates get stipends towards operating costs like craft services. Now knowing Bonnie, she just meant that Bones should be harassing Memaw to feed him instead of wasting her time-
Randy: Sounds like Bonnie.
Hawke: Only instead he got his tiny hands on the necessary forms and became a federation.
Randy: Hang on, I might be slightly buzzed, play that back – are you actually saying that the XHF recognizes Dinosaur Bones as a wrestling fed?
Hawke: It makes more sense than a dracolich.
Randy: ...That is fair.
Hawke: So if we inexplicably acknowledge Bones as a wrestling federation, then he has just as much right to defend his title as the other championships. Thus – the hot dog contest.

DB Hotdog Eating Championship
Oscar Meyer Mania
Dinosaur Bones Vs Joey Chestnut

Tables have been set up in the ring, with massive trays of cooked wieners.

Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is the official Night of Champions HOT DOG EATING CONTEST! Entering first – the SIXTEEN TIME NATHAN’S HOT DOG EATING CHAMPION, JOEY CHESTNUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DNCE’s “Cake By The Ocean” pumps over the PA system, as Joey Chestnut walks through the curtains to a hero’s welcome. Now I’m a Supremacy supporter, but if you believe MONGO that Night of Champions is the Wrestlemania of the XHF... and Joey Chestnut is the celebrity guest. We’re in Gennifer Flowers territory.

Randy: Look at that tiny guy, Bones is going to have a cakewalk.
Hawke: Actually Bones has been involved in competitive eating for a few months now, and it never ends well for him.

Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent...

Light piano music sets a sophisticate tone as a single classy spotlights moves up to the entrance curtains; All attention turns to the stage, as the crowd wonders who this reserved entrance is for-

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The camera pans away from the entrance, following the blood curling screams into the crowd. A section of the audience has started to panic, fleeing from the source of the disturbance. Anyone who doesn't backpedal fast enough is knocked through the air as that prehistoric menace rampages through the audience towards the ring. There has to be a precedent for this vicious fan treatment. Japan. The George Clinton cover of "Walk the Dinosaur" pumps over the PA system, to add an extra level of warning for those damned souls with seats between The Dread Lord and the ring.

Bonnie Jenkins: How do we keep falling for it? ...DINOSAUR BONES!!!

The raging beast suddenly becomes quite docile, the moment he sees the table covered in frankfurts. Using his tiny arms to pull up a chair, Dinosaur Bones sits in front of his feast. If he had saliva glands, the beast would be drooling all over the meal. And if Bones had eyeballs, they be giving Joey Chestnut the evilest eye.

DING! DING! DING!

Hawke: And they are off!
Randy: The way they eat, it’s actually hard to tell which one is the beast.
Hawke: Yes, but Bones tiny t-rex reach puts him at a disadvantage as Chestnut goes to town. Wait, the dinosaur making a comeback-

Just when it looks like Dinosaur Bones is picking up pace, WRESTLE: UK’s Olympia approaches the tables.

Olympia: I’m here for the Crystal Skull Championship tourna-

Before the words can escape her mouth, Dinosaur Bones mistakes the decorated SWAT Amazon for a hotdog – and promptly eats her. Joey Chestnut downs another 2 while Olympia’s still kicking her legs out of Bones’ throat.

Mitch Mitchell: 6 – 3...

Dinosaur Bones (swallow): 3? THAT LAST APE SAUSAGE SHOULD HAVE COUNTED FOR TWELVE!

Mitch Mitchell: One slab of mystery meat, one hotdog – you know the rules!

Bones continues to argue with the referee over the need to factor in weight distribution in food towards the results.

MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST.

The Coliseum.

Thousands of unfortunate souls that Bones has apparently eaten over the years watch from the elevated stands, staring down at a sandy arena floor stained red with blood. Horrific mutilations, waves of gore, and a few body parts that haven’t been swept up – show the aftermath of the grotesque tournament that led to this epic final battle. Weeks of brawls have leading up to the finals – each encounter with a stipulation more sadistic than the last. After the polar bear riding joust semi-final, the few participants that remain aren’t looking forward to the last dangerous reveal.

Shockingly enough – the final survivors of the thousand person tournament, just happen to be the characters we’ve been following all along. What are the odds? Though in different ragtag groups, the familiar faces stand together waiting for the final announcement.

Harsh Winter Pilgrim (seeing who is still in the rival team): Did brother Wombat not make it?

Träcy: ‘Bat said he had no intention of winning an escape ticket until he found his wife.

Pilgrim nods. Then spots L.A. Wombat in the bleachers, looking for his probably dead wife.

Harsh Winter Pilgrim: That marsupial is a regular Odysseus.

The crowd start cheering rabidly, all eyes turning to a luxury box that acts as a summit for the seatings. Here the Mayor of Bone, Rex Rosemen, approaches a podium.

Rex Rosemen: Dear constituents - please stand, for our guiding light- THE MAGNIFICENT WIZARD OF BONE!

A red robed figured that looks a bit like Cobra Commander during his hood days, steps out to thunderous applause-

Wizard of Bone: Am I the meanessst?

Everyone: SHO' NUFF!

Wizard of Bone: Am I the prettiessst?

Everyone: SHO' NUFF!

Wizard of Bone: Am I the BADDESSST MOTHERFUCKER IN ALLLLLLLL BONE LAND?

Everyone: DAMN SKIPPY!

Wizard of Bone: NOW CAN YOUUUUUUU DIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGG ITTTTTT?

Most of the audience have lived on 30 calories over the past month, but this doesn't stop the hungry masses from throwing food at their fearless leader in tribute - most of which is caught or picked up by henchmen.

Wizard of Bone: These eyes have ssseen this tournament of Bone... and it was good! On this last stage, however, something special is in order... the theatre of death!

The participants tense up, as the sands start to move. Rising out of the ground, into the centre of the arena is a large black box, the size of a house...

Rex Rosemen: Outside the safety of our world, in the wastelands beyond, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny is well on its way to being the blockbuster of the summer! I know it's easy to think about Barbie and wonder, in here can't we have nice things? We can my friends! To synergize with the popular Dial of Destiny, the finals of our Bone Tournament will be a Crystal Skull Death Match!

A hush falls over the crowd, acknowledging how deadly and vicious this contest will be. Picking up on the tone of the building, the participants are obviously concerned.

Rex Rosemen: The rules are simple... participants will enter THE DEATH BOX... where.... Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull will be played on loop, until they are robbed of their sanity! The last Warrior viewing it will be our victor, and the proud recipient of our own Crystal Skull!

Marmaduke Matters: That's it? Yesterday I was ridding logs into buzzsaws - watching a movie seem so safe and anticlimactic.

Venöm: ...kid, you've clearly never seen the Crystal Skull...

Wizard of Bone: TO THOSE OF YOU ABOUT TO DIE - WE SALUT YOU!

The audience both cheer and weep for the lives that are about to be thrown away. Underwhelmed by the stipulation, but also not entirely sure what they are getting into our heroes approach the box. It is at this point that Olympia falls from the sky, but the Death Box roof breaks her fall. The guards shrug - it would be too much trouble to remove her from the other participants that actually put time and energy into making the finals. She isn't the only interloper, as Trekker wanders in with the gang.

Trekker: Don't worry, this away mission is going to get everyone home.

Harsh Winter Pilgrim: ...thanks?

Marmaduke Matters: Where did you come from?

Trekker: I just beamed in.

AMG: Just follow my orders, minion.

Paramount+'s Star Trekker probably doesn't actually have teleporter technology, but whatever she's done to simulate it might be more impressive.

BONE CITY COLISEUM

TOURNAMENT OF BONE FINALS

CRYSTAL SKULL DEATH MATCH

Al Cole Hall vs. AMG vs. ARM815H1 MK.69 vs. Budd Lightbeer vs. vs. Foster's BEER Man vs. Ferocious TIKI vs. Harsh Winter Pilgrim vs. Hollow Earth Lost Nazi Platoon vs. King Edmund IV vs. Kudor vs. LiLi vs. Lilo Cosplayer Tina vs. Marmaduke Matters vs. Mutt vs. Olmec Captain Nemo vs. Olympia vs. Paramount+'s Star Trekker vs. PSW Tracy vs. Venöm the Dinosaur Hunter Cripple Mode vs. Wiley Sharpe

Harsh Winter Pilgrim: No matter how bad this gets my friends, as long as we work as a team - we can all get out of here...

HWP is stopped dead in his tracks by LiLi. The giant panda has decided to make herself comfortable in the aisle, and is difficult to get around - not unlike Snorlax. LiLi's anti-social behaviour towards victory shouldn't be a surprise, given how late he joined the rest of the group. A now equally large monster, Kudor backflips down the opposite aisle - getting a seat dead centre. The alien is oblivious to how his superior seating might be a hinderance, if it makes watching the awful film easier. Al Cole Hall just slumps down in the first seat he can find, apparently already three sheets to the wind. Why ration booze when Off the Wagon could rescue him at anytime. Having not found any testicles on offer in the concession session, Wiley Sharpe hunkers down for the long haul. Only for Sharpe to immediately move, when AMG demands his seat. She's very commanding. The only person with a clue at how gruelling this match will be, Vënom is forced to sit at the front - because there is a blank space for his wheelchair. PSW Träcy rolls him up, locks the wheels, then sits next to him. She'd rather be at the back of the theatre too, and her back is starting to hurt from pushing him everywhere.

The lights go down. The projector starts.

DING! DING! DING!

René Belloq (on the screen): IT'S BEAUTIFUL!

Wiley Sharpe: EVERYONE CLOSE YOUR EYES!

Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Why-AAAAaahhh-

Projectionist: Whoops.

They accidentally put on the wrong Indiana Jones reel. The conclusion of Raiders of the Lost Ark plays - the dozen members of the Hollow Earth Lost Nazi Platoon that were in the theatre suddenly melt. The grotesque image is enough to give Harsh Winter Pilgrim hysterical blindness

HOLLOW EARTH LOST NAZI PLATOON ELIMINATED.

AMG: I thought this was just going to be a movie. Why am I knee deep in dead Nazis slurry - these boots were designer!

Seems like an odd thing to complain about. Realizing the error of his ways, the Projectionist puts on the Crystal Skull. This will be far less traumatizing. Perhaps the blindness will give HWP an edge on the competition? As Kudor and LiLi paw up Nazi slurry like this was a competitive eating contest, I am reminded to check back in on that...

MEANWHILE... AT NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS...

Mitch Mitchell: 22 - 18!

Hawke: Dinosaur Bones trying his best to catch up, but every time he eats a random audience member it's really hurting him.
Randy: They knew it was a problem after their Kobyashi defeat, I'm surprised Bill Stokes didn't work on that part of his game.
Hawke: The only thing I can think, is that he'd be eating TWICE as many audience members otherwise.
Randy: If he was taking on Joey Chestnut in an all you can eat golden retriever contest, I think I'd give Bones the edge, but hotdogs are Joey Chestnut's thing - so this challenge just seems preposterously optimistic.

MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE THEATRE OF DEATH...

Indiana Jones (on screen): ...You and I went to school together at the University of Chicago. And you were never *this* interesting.

Marmaduke Matters: How interesting does he think this is? Ugh, this is awful. Be thankful you can't actually see it, Pilgrim.

Harsh Winter Pilgrim (blind): But the loss of sight has heightened my other senses - so I can pay more attention to the dialogue.

Marmaduke Matters: Jesus Christ.

Budd Lightyear has the perfect strategy to deal with this movie - drink himself into oblivion. With enough Bud Light, Budd can turn any film into Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy - which is Citizen Kane in Budd's mind. He just has to find that sweet spot between distorting reality, and not passing out - because he doesn't want to be eliminated on a TKO. Trying to avoid the puddles of melted Nazis, AMG has made six people change their seats with her. With her model looks, the Supervillainess gets away with murder. ARM815H1 MK.69 is trying to reroot its operating system to maximize masochism pleasure thresholds - no price is too steep to get out of BONES to take revenge on Bloody Fox. ...but there is no reason for the Furminator not to enjoy itself. Trekker might be enjoying the film most of all, because she thinks its a documentary like those found in the 21st century. Fascinating. LiLi is aided by the film not being in Mandarin, but can still feel its spirit melting away. Kudor doesn't speak the language or have a cultural background to understand that this isn't an especially good movie - so is crushing this challenge.

Lilo Cosplayer Tina: Hey Stitch, we should sit together.

Kudor: Blahlalalalalalablargh.

LCT is not the first fan of the Disney film to mistake the blue alien for the title monster in her favourite film. Mistaking her for the dancing popcorn that played at the preview, Kudor nods appreciatively then scarfs the small child down!

LILO COSPLAYER TINA ELIMINATED.

Unfortunately for Kudor, this food causes him to shrink slightly. He's still massive, but apparently his planet never prepared him for Alice in Wonderland size references. Should he drink something? Only one person seems to notice that Kudor isn't penalized for murdering another contestant, which gets sinister gears moving. King Edmund IV stalks around the back of the theatre. Mutt has never seen a movie before, so rather than being tortured, is looking forward to it. He is also looking for stray pieces of popcorn that might be on the floor...

King Edmund IV: This PURILE American propaganda is an affront to our proud Supremia values!

The Supremia sovereign drags Mutt towards the back of the theater by his ear.

King Edmund IV: Better that I should physically remove these PEASANTS from the venue, then sit through such drivel...

KING EDMUND IV OF SUPREMIA ELIMINATED.

King Edmund IV: Wh-

Looking down, King Edmund finds that he's accidentally stepped over a line into the lobby area. A waiting official counts that as giving up. Outrageous! This is a declaration of war!

Marion Ravenwood (screen): MUTT can be a little impetuous.

Mutt turns back to the theatre, is the screen speaking to him? Is he the hero of this "motion picture." The King reaches a hand back into the main area, to slap Mutt across the back of the head.

King Edmund IV: Mutt! Clear the theater - (pointing at line) but stay inside.... and find my stone! We aren't here on vacation! Not that you deserve to even know what a vacation is!

Al Cole Hall (having a hard time following the plot, and assuming its related to the scheming behind him): Ssssssssssssh.

Mutt grabs the drunkard by the throat, and places him in a headlock. Holding firm, Mutt tries to drag the OtW super fan out by the neck. No stranger to being forcibly removed from places, Al Cole Hall goes slack. Sadly this dead weight, coupled with the slippery nature of the nazi ooze covered floor - causes the two men to slide back into LiLi. The giant panda doesn't really need an excuse to pick a fight, and starts to maul them. The rest of the participants look at this as a welcome distraction from the soul draining film.

Venöm: About time!

Hands on his wheels, the dinosaur hunter starts to speed off towards the action! Only the locks are on. Damn it. He would much rather be over there. Venöm feels more like a chair than a person! He would damn El Combatiante for putting him in it, if he was Venom, but he is Venöm and this is an unrelated accident.

ARM815H1 MK.69: HELLO BIG BOY, IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?

Träcy: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

ARM815H1 MK.69: THE MORE THE MERRIER.

ARM815H1 MK.69 isn't the only one with claws, and even in PSW mode, Träcy doesn't take too kindly to the flirtations. It isn't long before Furminator and legit First Lady of GUNS are rolling around the floor in a cat fight! This is far more interesting than the movie, unfortunately as they start to roll up the aisle, they are obscured by the seats - and from his locked wheel chair position Venöm can't see anything but the Crystal Skull. Reaching under his seat cushion, the professional Turok killer, and novice Dinosaur Hunting cripple pulls out a tranquelizer gun. He just needs one shot to save his better half from the sexed up alien robot.

Budd Lightyear: Want a cold one buddy?

Slapping Venöm on the back, Lightyear hands him a bud light. Unfortunately his gesture causes Venöm's finger to slip - and just when it looks like Träcy will be the first person in BONE-LAND who can actually hold her own against the Furminator, she takes a dart to the neck.

Tracy: REALLY?

Before she has time to tear Venöm a new asshole - which it doesn't look like he'd currently feel - Tracy faints. She falls halfway out of the curtains, into the lobby.

PSW TRÄCY ELIMINATED!

ARM815H1 MK.69 (seeing that it Venöm that eliminated this physical threat): THIS UNIT DIDN'T KNOW YOU CARED, TIGER.

God damn it. As the Furminator flirts from the other side of the theatre, Venöm tries to turn his tranquilizer gun on Budd Lightyear - but he isn't the only one taking exception to the acohol slinging pseudo-mascot.

Foster's Beer Man: Call that a beer - this is a beer...

Another alcohol mascot. Never meet your heroes. Before Budd Lightyear can ask for an autograph, Foster's Beer Man smashes a can over his head. It draws spuds! The two then start throwing beers at one another, most of which miss and hit Venöm. The Dinosaur Hunter could use a drink, but the full cans being whipped at him really hurt. Closer to the exit, Mutt gets Wiley Sharp close to the lobby curtains - when Olympia knocks him off with a judo chop to the chest. Mutt tries to come back, only to take another one. Wiley starts to charge at Mutt, ready to get Edmund's unpleasant influence out of this movie watching experience - when Olympia catches him from behind with a German suplex. She starts to go for rolling Germans, when a blind pilgrim confronts her.

Harsh Winter Pilgrim (reaching out): There is no need for violence sister, we can achieve God's will if we put aside our differences...

Spinning the blind man around, Olympia catches him with the Zeus' Wrath - the force of which sends Pilgrim staggering out the exit.

HARSH WINTER PILGRIM ELIMINATED.

Marmaduke Matters: Hang on, there was no call for that-

Before he can be the voice of reason, Olympia hits him with an Ares Strike. Double M lands in the nazi slurry, splashing it up onto AMG's new dress.

AMG (trying to wring out her cape): Will you fools watch where you're roughhousing.

Not taking kindly to the tone of super villainess, Olympia goes after her. Before she can lay a hand on the master criminal, Marmaduke steps in. Only his human shield act doesn't last long, as Kudor - not wanting to be left out, and thinking it might be a human tradition to brawl during films, hits him with a backflip kick. Continuing to backflip, and take Marmaduke along for the ride, Kudor spins him towards the exit. Here Kudor unleashes a hip attack, which at his current size, is enough to knock Marmaduke into a still prone HWP.

MARMADUKE MATTERS ELIMINATED.

Without Matters to defend the prissy megalomaniac, Olympia grabs AMG by the hair. NOT THE HAIR! She just had it done. New to Bone-Land so not understanding the power dynamics, Olympia immediately gains the wrath of AMG's self-proclaimed underlings. As Wiley Sharp, Al Cole Hall, and Kudor all throw Olympia out. AMG berates them for taking so long.

OLYMPIA ELIMINATED.

Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Am I in heaven?
Marmaduke Matters: Nah, we're just in the lobby - but they have stale popcorn, so this might be the best place we've been in for months.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Marm, is that you?
Marmaduke Matters: Still blind? Yeah, the damned alien got me.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: At least it sounds like a few of our allies are still fighting the good fight. There is hope for us to get the Crystal Skull and salvation yet.
Marmaduke Matters: Not sure about the championship, this film is really making me hate Crystal Skulls. And my neck is sore enough, that I'm starting to dislike aliens too - damned Kudor.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: The main thing is that the winner gets a meeting with the Wizard, and he can send us home - so as long as it's not one of the third party scabs. We all have a shot, brother.
Marmaduke Matters: Well LiLi and Kudor seemed to team up in throwing Olympia out, but are now at each other's throats. They seem to know each other, which explains why they hate one another's guts. I don't know them, and I can't stand them.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Your heart needs to be more charitable.

As the hundredth can of beer shatters open, Venöm looks concussed. He is also so covered in beer that ARM815H1 MK.69 makes a comment about making him wet. Venöm answers these flirtations with a tranquilizer dart - unfortunately, the concussion means that he COMPLETELY MISSES the Furminator, and hits Foster's Beer Man instead. As the beloved mascot drools on himself, the less beloved mascot hits a 3/4th’s neckbreaker 2.0! The big impact move knocks Foster back into his chair, but he is out cold - and soon removed by officials.

FOSTER'S BEER MAN ELIMINATED.

Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Who did it?
Marmaduke Matters: Budd, with an assist from Venöm. You ever notice how the alcohol mascots only seem to fight with each other?
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: There's is a circular conflict, of questionable refreshment.
Marmaduke Matters: Looks like Foster's Beer Man has left a piece of his meat behind. Budd is contemplating eating it.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Don't do it, Budd! You'll lose sight of who you are!
Marmaduke Matters: ...
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: ...he ate it, didn't he?
Marmaduke Matters: Budd Lightbeer is now Bill Darkbeard.

Wiley Sharpe takes down Mutt and medium sized TIKI with a double closeline, then runs over at punts Olmec Captain Nemo's hat off with a super kick.

Wiley Sharpe: I came here to chew bull testicles and kick ass... and I'm all out of bull's testicles.

A man on fire, Sharpe's ego is so inflated that he tries another double closeline on LiLi and Kudor. Which goes about as well as one might expect.

WILEY SHARPE ELMINATED.

Having removed the interloper, the two titans continue to throw big shots - aided by the fact that they don't understand the dialogue of the movie. Closer to the screen, just as the fire ant scene is shown, Bill Darkbeard is getting Al Cole Hall sauced. Trying to explain that he's the same alcohol pimping astronaut that everyone loves, despite the new colour of his beard, Bill walks the OtW super fan up the aisle. Sucking down Bud after bud, Al assures Bill that he thinks the beard looks good. Then throws up on himself. Mutt starts trying to eliminate Bill Darkbeard, leaving a sauced Al to sway back and forth on the edge of the theatre.

Marmaduke Matters: Wait, Al, turn around-
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: I have complete faith in Brother Hall.
Marmaduke Matters: No, the other way-
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: You can do it! I'm praying for your success-

Seeing double, from the safety of his wheelchair, Venöm fires a dark into Al Cole Hall's behind. The sharp pain is just enough double Al over, where he proceeds to lose his liquid lunch. The weight of the fluids being lost is enough to tip Al over the edge, as he slumps forward into the lobby.

AL COLE HALL ELIMINATED.

Mutt and Bill roll up and down the aisle. Not recognizing Budd in his current form, ARM815H1 MK.69 stomps on both - pinning them to the theatre floor. Before he can say something flirty, ARM815H1 MK.69 is assaulted by Olmec Captain Nemo in his POPEYE'S CHICKEN CARTON minisub.

ARM815H1 MK.69: BEEEEEEHAVE. I HOPE YOU'RE PACKING PROTECTION, SAILOR.

Reaching through the front window of the sub, ARM815H1 MK.69 rips out the Logitech controller used to operate it. As the sub goes out of control, it fires Popeye's hot sauce in the FURMINATOR's optical receptacles - blinding it. Less effective are the popcorn chicken that are fired like missiles. This does get hungry participants to abandon their own brawls and try to score free food off of ARM815H1 MK.69, but his razor sharp claws usually make them second guess their approach. The Furminator may maim most of the match participants as blind as Pilgrim, but his main target is the sub that foolishly attacked him. The counter measures come swift, and fierce. Until unable to operate under its own power, the giant vessel is left sinking into a puddle of former hollow earth fascists; Olmec Nemo trapped inside.

OLMEC CAPTAIN NEMO ELMINATED.

Marmaduke Matters: What a way to go.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Describe it-
Marmaduke Matters: Some things you're better off not knowing. ...the only thing that is going to make me feel good after that is listening to Blink 182.

Despite being crushed by ARM815H1 MK.69, Mutt and Bill Darkbeard continue to brawl around the floor. It is during this scuffle, that a dazzling stone falls out of Bill's pocket. Eyes gleaming, Mutt steps on Bill's crotch, trying to push past him to grab the Supremia Stone. Bill puts up a good fight, desperate for a win to transform into a variation on his name that is closer to his alcohol drive. The two fishhook and claw at each other desperately trying to get to the stone first, Mutt is within inches of it-

King Edmund IV: ...didn't you used to be dig out my ROYAL commode?

Usher: ach... I have no idea what you mean, my liege.

King Edmund IV: Seeking asylum in this Lizard? FOOL! SAVAGE! As our national anthem CLEARLY states, escape is impossible! MUTT we've got a deserter - to me! Catch him at once! At once, I say!

His finger tip is on the stone, just another second. No. Mutt knows that tone. Abandoning the Supremia Stone, Mutt kicks Bill in the face on his way towards the exit. Before Mutt can eliminate himself in pursuit of the Usher, a backflip bicycle kick from Kudor knocks LiLi into the Supremia retainer. Growing, the giant panda takes out his frustrations on Mutt - using a shoulder tackle to knock him through a wall.

MUTT ELIMINATED.

When LiLi turns back to Kudor, she finds him watching Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, completely enthralled with it. Aliens. LiLi starts stalking towards his gourmet rival, when he stubs his toe on the Ferocious TIKI. The last time these two confronted each other, TIKI was twice as big. It's time in Bones has devastated the living idol's stature. LiLi picks up the TIKI, starts to eat it - finds its stone exterior less than palatable, then tosses it through the ceiling. Team Rocket blasting off.

THE FEROCIOUS TIKI ELIMINATED.

No sooner is a hole made in the theatre ceiling, than spikes start to lower from it, and the roof starts to collapse.

Marmaduke Matters: The theatre is booby trapped! This is just like Temple of DOOM, which is a MUCH better movie.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: There are worse ways to go-
Marmaduke Matters: Yeah, like drowning in a Popeyes' chicken box full of melted nazis, or watching Crystal Skull - but its still a nasty way to go.

Seeing the spikes coming his way, Venöm desperately tries to move his wheelchair, but can't figure out the breaks.

Is this the end of our DINOSAUR BONES heroes?

For the thrilling conclusion.... join us at next year's Night of Champions - same Night of Champion's Time, same Night of Champion's channel.

MEANWHILE... BACK AT NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS.

Mitch Mitchell: 70-69...

Hawke: Don't call it a comeback! I don't believe what I'm seeing.
Randy: Never count Dinosaur Bones' stomach out. I've never seen an undead dinosaur make more of a pig of himself.

Just as Bones is starting to dig himself out of the hole, Al Jabroni approaches with two men.

Hawke: Wait what-
Randy: Al Jabroni leading two street people towards the buffet. The lengths he'll go to to avoid Bones appetite.
Hawke: I think those are... YES... it's Dominic Keating and Conner Trinneer!
Randy: Who are?
Hawke: Actors from the least popular Star Trek show.
Randy: The stars have really come out tonight for our big event.

Keating and Trinneer attempt to explain that they've been paid a special appearance fee, but traffic delayed them from the start of the mission. Say no more, Bones assures them - before feasting on the actors. A small group of audience members start chanting "Bring Back Tripp!" ...but it doesn't catch on.

Hawke: Dinosaur Bones starting to thank Jabroni for the light snack-
Randy: Al is going to get his.

Mitch Mitchell: 76-71!

Hawke: OH NO! Taking time to chew on those actors have once again cost Bones, and Chestnut takes a serious lead.

Dinosaur Bones: DO YOU CALL THIS HELP, APE?

Al Jabroni makes himself scarce. Bones would follow him, but in the time it took to hunt and skin Jabroni, Chestnut would probably scarf down another hundred hotdogs.

Hawke: I don't know how Bones will come back from this- WHOA!
Randy: THAT'LL DO IT!
Hawke: DINOSAUR BONES BITING JOEY CHESTNUT IN HALF!

Meanwhile... IN THE MOVIE THEATRE OF BROKEN DREAMS.

The ceiling continues to slowly threaten death by spikes.

Venöm thinks about crawling around on the floor, but its just too filthy. Instead, the Dinosaur Hunter loads his gun again and fires a tranquilizer dart at AMG. It hits her hair, which has enough volume to be quite impervious. The nerve! AMG orders some of her minions to break his arms too - only to realize she's running out of henchmen.

AMG: You can't find good help these days.

Pulling out a death ray, AMG fires at Venöm - only to miss and singe ARM815H1 MK.69's pseudo mane. ARM815H1 MK.69 had been trying to throw Bill Darkbeard into the ceiling spikes, but gives up on the prospect - leaving Bill to hit the ground HARD. The Furminator then kicks Bill hard enough that he hits the ceiling... and gets stuck on it. ARM815H1 MK.69 then turns his attention towards AMG, chasing her with his razor sharp metal claws. She blindly fires back her death ray, which keeps the scariest competitor at bay. As the two circle around the aisles, the behemoths that are LiLi and Kudor continue to trade blows.

Marmaduke Matters: AMG and ARM815H1 MK.69 really working up a sweat.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Marm-
Marmaduke Matters: ARM815H1 MK.69 asked me to phrase it that way.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Don't our friends see that if they don't put aside their differences, they'll all be crushed?
Marmaduke Matters: Wait, it looks like your youth pastor wisdom might be rubbing off on two of them-
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Which ones brother...
Marmaduke Matters: Kudor seems to be trying to put aside his differences with LiLi.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: The godless bear? Leave it to the martian to show us the way!
Marmaduke Matters: Kudor is trying to give LiLi a gift-
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: That's nice.
Marmaduke Matters: It's a human baby.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: That's awful.
Marmaduke Matters: Maybe it's an alien custom?
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: I guess it's the thought that counts. Perhaps LiLi can grow as a person, like Kudor, by raising the infant as his own.
Marmaduke Matters: LiLi just ate the baby.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: ...I think we might be in hell.
Marmaduke Matters: Like LOST?

#KABOOM#

LILI ELIMINATED.

Not an actual baby, but a bomb fashioned to look like one - LiLi's hunger gets the best of him. Kudor celebrates this victor over its longstanding foodie rival, the only way he knows how, by doing backwards summersaults. LiLi is not dead, but the explosion sent her through a wall into the lobby... where she has smashed through a concession stand. The panda takes comfort in the milk duds.

Marmaduke Matters: What's that noise?
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: We have been joined on commentary by LiLi.
LiLi: 宝贝很好吃，值得，我还会再做一次.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Don't make eye contact.
Marmaduke Matters: WAY ahead of you.

A GIANT HOTDOG FALLS THROUGH THE ROOF OF THE THEATRE.

Bending as it smashes through a few support pillars, the hot dog prevents the spikes from lowered any further. The giant hole created by the fifty foot Weiner floods the theatre with light, which washes out the movie image. It's still barely watchable.

AMG: Looks like it's time to make a hasty retreat.

Kicking over one of the theatre chairs, AMG enters an escape pod - the super villainess always prepared.

AMG: Better luck next time Mister 69.

With an evil laugh, her rocket ignites - and with it her escape! if only it didn't land three feet from where it started. What a substandard rocket. ARM815H1 MK.69 looks at her sideways, then punts the pod as hard as he can. It flies through another wall, out into the arena sands.

AMG ELIMINATED.

ARM815H1 MK.69 looks up at the ceiling, where Bill is still stuck like a bug... then over at Kudor, who has returned to his seat and is enjoying the movie.

Marmaduke Matters: THIS IS IT!
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Who'd it come down to?
Marmaduke Matters: I think Budd - Bill? Is dead. So our boy ARM815H1 MK.69 just needs to take out the other alien.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Our salvation lies in space - I knew it all along.
Marmaduke Matters: Kudor trying to enjoy the film, the crazy bastard - don't they have garbage on his planet? So ARM815H1 slashes him in the neck with his claw!
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Did he decapitate him?
Marmaduke Matters: Anyone else would be in two, but who knows about these alien's physiologies. Kudor giving 69 a dirty look, and trying to go back to the film. Which he thinks is hilarious.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: I bet ARM815H1 doesn't care for that.
Marmaduke Matters: No he does not, slashing Kudor again. And again. I think the backflipping bastard is starting to get it - unleashing the razor claws of his own! Both now slashing away, and it's like an Errol Flynn film with sparks flying as they parry each others brutal shots!

As the duelling titanium razor claws turns into a full light show-

"I DID IT!"

The aliens are suddenly distracted, as Venöm draws way too much attention to himself finally being able to move his wheelchair. He forgot Dinosaur Hunting 101.

Venöm (begging off): Continue.

Kudor: Blaaaaaaablablabla.

As Kudor stops to converse, ARM815H1 MK.69 hits a boot to the midsection, setting up a Violently Removing Your Groin From My Face (Even Though I Moved It There Myself In The First Place)... with enough authority that Kudor is sent crashing through the floor, and out of theatre bounds.

KUDOR ELIMINATED.

Venöm really wishes he had celebrated quietly, as ARM815H1 MK.69 turns to his new tease with claws at the ready.

Marmaduke Matters: It looks like Venöm is boned.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: In this world, we're all boned. Still, at least our team will win - when ARM815H1 MK.69 picks up the skull, we're all heading home! Salvation, brother!
Marmaduke Matters: Short of the technodrom making a run-in, I don't think there was any doubt that-

SUDDENLY JOEY CHESTNUT'S FOOT FALLS THROUGH THE ROOF-

ONLY IT'S LIKE ATTACK ON TITAN SIZE!

The giant foot crashes through a solid quarter of theatre, pulping it, and knocking a fifth of the venue loose.

Unfortunately, ARM815H1 MK.69 is standing on the part of the theatre that is no longer in the theatre.

ARM815H1 MK.69 ELIMINATED.

The theatre being destroyed also knocks Bill Darkbeard from the ceiling. He falls on his face. He looks near death... fortunately there is a piece of Tina the Lilo Cosplayer laying on the ground. Eat monster meat? YES! Bill Darkbeard gets a second lease on life as... Biff Bluebird.

Indiana Jones (screen): So what are you, a triple agent?
Mac (screen): Nah, I just lied about being a double.

Biff looks up at the screen in contempt.

Venöm (pointing tranquilizer gun at Biff): Would you mind crossing into the lobby? I'd rather not drag you.

Biff Bluebird: Sure Venöm, when you get the skull - can me and my friends join you in getting out of here?

Venöm: Naturally. I'm not a bad guy, despite what Turok may be telling people...

The Bud Light mascot steps over the line.

BIFF BLUEBIRD ELIMINATED.

Breathing a sigh of relief that he doesn't have to watch any more of this horrible film, Venöm claims his victory - rolling out the rest of the way.

VENÖM THE DINOSAUR HUNTER HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.

DING! DING! DING!

Venöm: What -but there was no one? (looking back at the theatre, then stops) Clever girl.

Marmaduke Matters: It's over.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Was it one of ours?
Marmaduke Matters: No, but it's okay because she promised-

Rex Rosemen: THE WINNER OF THE TOURNAMENT OF BONE, AND NEW CRYSTAL SKULL CHAMPION- Paramount+'s Star TREEEEEEEEEEEEEKKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The movie stops.

Trekker (sitting up in her seat): Is there more? These 21st century earth documentaries are fascinating.

The theatre starts to disappear into the sand, leaving the broken bodies of the BONES crew. A gruelling match, but at least with the Crystal Skull, home is within reach. From his podium, the Wizard of Bone gives the participants a slow clap. Rosemen and a compliment of guards walk across the arena with Crystal Skull in hand.

Rex Rosemen: To the victor-

The mayor hands over the championship skull - which glows in Trekker's hands.

Harsh Winter Pilgrim: So miss... can we go home now?

Trekker: I came here with that intention. ...But now that I've seen this thriving community, and how you are all part of it. ...I can't.

Marmaduke Matters: What the f-

Trekker: I thought I was saving you, but you are all part of this... and the PRIME DIRECTIVE prevents me from interfering in primitive civilizations.

Harsh Winter Pilgrim: I'm going to kill her-

The guards hold our heroes back from lynching the Trekker. They really want to. In the commotion, the winner disappears.

Rex Rosemen: Where did she go?

Marmaduke Matters: Probably transported away. (looking up) Mister Wizard, sir - can you do anything to get us out of here?

Wizard of Bone: ...If you wish to go to the wastelands beyond Bones borders - then you require the crystal skull. So your path is clear. To ever see your loved ones again, hunt down this Trekker like a dog - and remove the crystal skull from her person by any means necessary.

Marmaduke Matters: She can't have transported far!

Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Let's get her!

Everyone: YEAH!

And with that the heroes of Bone set off on a new noble quest, to murder Paramount+'s Star Trekker.

MEANWHILE, AT NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS...

Mitch Mitchell: 97-96.

Hawke: Even as half a man, Joey Chestnut proving TWICE the man that Dinosaur Bones is!
Randy: Well, Bones isn't a man, so that's fair.
Hawke: And they're both technically dead, so even playing ground.

Bones looks defeated. Fortunately, a few of the hotdogs start to fall out of area where Joey Chestnut's stomach used to be. The referee counts 3.

Mitch Mitchell: 96-94 for Bones.

BEEEEEEEEEEE!

The buzzer sounds.

DING! DING! DING!

Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match with a score of 96 to 94, and NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS HOT DOG EATING WINNER-
DINOSAUR BONES!!!!!!!!!!

Bones almost falls apart like a Mario World Dry Bones. He really needed this win. Like a beauty pageant, Bones offers the loser a hug - only for Joey to flop over in his chair, more hotdog than man.

Dinosaur Bones: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, IT'S AN HONOUR JUST TO EAT MORE-

A tiny Japanese man stands up, looks Bones up and down then turns his back. Leaving.

Dinosaur Bones: THAT'S RIGHT, KOBYASHI .........I'M COMING FOR YOU!

Bones is lying to himself. The dracolich is actually terrified of the competitive eating legend. Kobayashi is in his head, just as everyone else is in his stomach.

---

Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for this year’s CRUISERFEST!!! This match is a GAUNTLET ROYALE! Mongo has asked that we make it very clear that it has an E at the end as it is a battle royale, not a bid for monarchy.

Randy: GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
Hawke: … King actually.
Randy: No no, it’s long live the king … then you shove him off the cliff and watch as wildebeest trample-

Bonnie Jenkins: This match will begin with all competitors in the ring and is an over the top battle royale … until it isn’t! We will make announcements after every THREE eliminations changing the elimination method!

Hawke: I’m glad SHE paid the maths budget. I wouldn’t want to have to think about percentages.
Randy: *Standing on his chair using a liquor jug to amplify his voice* NEEEEEEEEEERD!

Bonnie shoots Randy a death stare and he slinks back into his chair.

Bonnie Jenkins: Whoever is the competitor who escapes the cage after the final 2, will be the XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!

“Tsuki to Hanaba” by Sayuri hits the speakers as the lights become strobe lights. They finally settle on the stage as the Xtremetron shows videos of cats, mostly doing cat things. Suddenly the crowd erupts as Charles, the super cool, totally real feline rides down to the ring on a skateboard. A conveniently placed cameraman accidentally steps on the front of the board at the bottom of the ramp and Charles is launched over the top rope to raucous applause and lands in the center of the ring with a flourish.

Bonnie Jenkins: Uh … entering first, representing SKY Force, he weighs in at a svelte 8 ounces, and stands at a robust 11 inches … CHARLES!

The theme from Star Trek: The Next Generation hits the speakers and the Xtremetron becomes a giant billboard for Paramount+, the nerdy members of the crowd erupt as the rest of the crowd stare at the entrance as Paramount+’s The Star Trekker, an ancillary member of CAR’s Bad to the Bone Racing squad, appears to beam into the arena through the fancy use of holograms and lights and mirrors. She then strolls to the ring in the center of the bank and rolls in. She whips out her tricorder (a flip phone) and tries to scan Charles, making notes in the phone.

Bonnie Jenkins: Entering next, representing the interests of Paramount+, she stands at 5’5” and weighs in at 114 pounds … THE STAR TREKKER

Runnin’ Across the Tracks by Billy Talent now echoes through the Central Savings Bank. The Xtreme Tron shows a quill being drawn across the screen, spelling out the name of the Author … Travis Monroe. A book rises from the stage and then flips open like a door, as some pages flip open we see the hidden compartment in the book and out steps Travis Monroe. He walks with purpose to the ring and rolls inside before ignoring the cosplayer and stuffed feline to pose on the middle rope.

Bonnie Jenkins: And next, from Eugene, Oregon, standing at 6’2” and weighing in at 212 pounds, he is the Author … TRAVIS MONROE!

Randy: Well the first three competitors are in the ring, I hope someone takes out that fiendish feline. Always harshing Off the Wagon’s buzz!
Hawke: You’re betting against the inanimate object?
Randy: I know! After all the desks, bedposts, lampposts, and floors I’ve lost fights to?
Hawke: Your words not mine.

"Unbreakable" blares through the speakers and the arena erupts in anticipation. Austin Kade emerges from the backstage area, his hair flowing behind him, exuding an aura of confidence as he plays to the crowd. The crowd's cheers intensify as he makes his way down the ramp, exchanging high-fives and connecting with the fans. Reaching the ring, Austin slides under the bottom rope with grace, rising to his feet in one fluid motion. He ascends the turnbuckle, his arms raised high, basking in the adoration of the crowd. As the music beings to die down, Austin jumps down, focused and determined, ready to ready for his match.

Bonnie Jenkins: And next, straight out of the Diamond Training Facility, he hails from Las Vegas, by way of Charlotte, North Carolina. He stands at 6’1” and weighs in at 205 pounds … AUSTIN KADE!

Randy: The son of Jack Diamond. Can you hear the crowd react? Listen to the noise! *ding* Oh my water is done boiling for my tea. Need tea for Long Island Iced Tea!
Hawke: … How can you be SO out of touch?

The theme music to Noel Edmonds House Party plays. Noel comes out in a Dad shirt and trackie bottoms. He raises a hand to a non-existent pop from the crowd who say nothing. He raises his hands again to try and rally the crowd and the roof comes off the building! He smiles to himself until he realizes that his heterosexual life partner, Mr. Blobby has emerged and 'stolen' his pop. He looks back and shakes his head as he starts to jog like all white old guys jog as he heads down the aisle. He rolls into the ring and, in one swift movement, he rips off his trackies and shirt to reveal a wrestling singlet patterned with the boxes from Deal or No Deal. The referee approaches him and, out of habit, he starts to explain he can't sign autographs because he couldn't fit a pen in the singlet. Performing the pre-match checks the camera perfectly captures the moment Noel realizes that no one really knows who he is anymore. The checks complete, Noel sighs to himself and with a resigned look on his face gestures for the ref to hurry up and get this over with. XHF referee, Troy Hastings, hastily tries to intercept Mr. Blobby as he beelines for Charles for some reason. He is consequently sent to the back. Many very old British fans in the crowd groan in disappointment … as do several of the young ladies.

Bonnie Jenkins: And next, at 72 years old and one half of the GUNS Tag Team Champions…
Noel Edmonds: And gentlemen’s pairs champion-
Bonnie Jenkins: I AM NOT ACKNOWLEDGING THOSE … Ahem … NOEL EDMONDS!

“Long Walk Home” by Howl Trance blares across the NYC Bank and onto the ramp steps the former Junior Heavyweight Champion, Eron Hunter. The pride of WUK and HKW walks to the ring with purpose, high fiving a few young fans before rolling into the ring and stretching.

Bonnie Jenkins: And next, hailing from the island of Sicily, standing at 6’2” and weighing in at 210 pounds … he is the former XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion … ERON HUNTER!

The stage lights fade to eerie teal green as "Five Ten Fiftyfold" by the Cocteau Twins begins

"Wheezing and sneezing,
Tenfold it blew apart,
It halved it in half,
And went gushing gust wind"

The lights reach their full bgloom as the bass gliiiides, the drums hit and Random McConalogue appears, a large towel tied to her wrist, swaying as she walks. Serene and calm, she casually strolls, shoulders lightly oscillating in a slow sync. Her body is calm and relaxed, like a moonlight walk in the park, but her gaze is fixed, staring at her opposition with snake eyes. She's never in a hurry, she doesn't need to be. She stops to take in the bank arena, a base of operations very much to her mathematical mind’s liking. She slides into the ring and stares deep into the unblinking eyes of Charles.

Bonnie Jenkins: And next, hailing from Glagow, Scotland. She stands at 5’9” and weighs in tonight at 136 pounds, RANDOM MCCONALOGUE!

Hawke: Why is she having a staring contest with a toy?
Randy: That cat’s dynamite, Joey.

“Motor City Madhouse” by Ted Nugent blasts out over the speakers as the crowd begins to chant “B-A-N-A-N-A-S! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!” and the tron shows the image of a hoagie being devoured before then reading “THE MIGHTY SANDWICH!” Jayson Matthews arrives on the stage and throws his hands in the air like he just don’t care. He sprints to the ring and leaps to the apron then springboards onto the top rope and launches himself with a front flip and somersault into the ring and ends up in the super hero landing pose as he soaks in the atmosphere.

Bonnie Jenkins: And now, one half of the SCCW Tag Team, Motor City Mafia. He comes to us by way of the Dojo of the Sandwich. He is … THE MIGHTY SANDWICH … standing at 5’9” and weighing in at 191 pounds … JAYSON MATTHEWS!

The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.

"You say I need psychotherapy
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad"

All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arm outstretched.

"If you want a battle, I'll give you a war
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me

IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus. Pausing at the top of the stage to the boos from the crowd, he offers no more than a smirk before walking down the ramp, a few ballsy fans pelting him with some trash as he makes sure to savor every second of this. He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up them and gets into the ring, standing in the center. Antonio Katō stands on the apron, microphone in hand as the music dies down. Dylan raises his arm in the air, a fist in the pose of E.V.E. He turns to his corner, leaning into it while waiting for the match to start.

Bonnie Jenkins: And now, needing no introduction, he is the longest reigning X*Crown champion in history, one of only two three-time X*Crown champions, he hails from Boston, Massachusetts. Standing at 6’3” tall and weighing 207 pounds … the Daemon of Mayhem … DYLAN BLACK!

Hawke: There are many here who think Dylan should be the favorite. He is one of the most decorated Network era stars.
Randy: Also an arsonist murderer! …
Hawke: Allegedly …
Randy: He hates Super Sake, how could he be innocent?

'Untouchable' hits the sound system as the overhead lights dim, the crowd loudly cheering for the woman that is about to emerge. Blue and white lights flash along the rampway as spotlights of similar shades swirl over the crowd... and Eliza Dresden doesn't make them wait for long. Bounding out from behind the curtain, Dresden is quick to make her way to the top of the ramp -- and once she's there? She thrusts her hand into the air, earning a fresh wave of cheers. Of course, since she can't be idle for long, Eli is quick to bounce and poing her way down to the ring, darting from side to side to slap offered hands and otherwise play to the crowd. It's about three-fourths of the way down the ramp that she abandons that, speeding up to slide into the ring headfirst on her stomach before she twists onto her back and kips up to her feet. She's quick to mount the nearest turnbuckle, once again shoving that hand skyward to more of that positive reaction from the fans before she's popping back down and turning to look toward the middle of the ring. As her music fades, she bounces around on the balls of her feet, eagerly waiting for the match to get underway.

Bonnie Jenkins: And making her return, hailing from Pittsburgh, PA. Standing today at 5’5” and weighing in at 143 pounds, she is ELI DRESDEN!

“Hey” by the Pixies rocks the bank as J-RoK’s own Takashi Shinobu marches out to the ramp and throws his hand up to the crowd. He slides into the ring and surveys the crowding field of bodies.

Bonnie Jenkins: And representing J-RoK’s Heroes for Hire, he stands at 6’1” and weighs in at 215 pounds … TAKASHI SHINOBU!

The Heavy’s “Big Bad Wolf” hits the speakers and the crowd immediately begins to boo heavily. In the ring, Dylan Black is smiling while everyone else watches the entrance with a wary reluctance. Except Charles who stands as stoic as ever. Onto the stage steps the XHF Devil, wearing his usual fancy tailored suit, ever-present scowl on his face. He smirks as he eyes up the ring and begins looking at each fighter while counting out loud.

Randy: What is he…
Hawke: If I had to guess, how many kidneys he can see to stab …

Zoran removes his suit coat as Haskins pats him down and has him remove several sharp implements from his person. Zoran, bemused by this, waves at his fellow competitors. He takes a place near Dylan as they await the final competitors.

Bonnie Jenkins: And entering the ring, the only OTHER Three time X*Crown champion. He comes to us from Belgrade, Serbia and stands at a threatening 6’1” and weighs in at a lean and very … VERY mean … 212 pounds … THE FINAL BOSS … ZORAN SAINOVIC

Randy: Taking all bets, how many get stabbed tonight?
Hawke: That depends, are we also counting Fox later on?

“Shining Star” by Masaki Matsubara hits the speakers. The Kawaii Supernova sprints out to the middle of the ramp and stops, she poses like a superstar and the crowd pops. The camera zooms in on her face as she blows a kiss to it then sprints out of view. We cut to the hard cam and she slides into the ring as the lights go out and star shaped spotlights dance around the ring. She poses again then looks at everyone in the ring. She glares at Dylan … and backs into a corner.

Bonnie Jenkins: And next, from … uh … is this right? Ok, fine. From Across the Universe … but probably somewhere in Japan … she stands at 5’2” and weighs in at a lean 110 pounds … the Kawaii Supernova … YUKI SAKARABA!

“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”

“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”

The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echoes over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up the surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He hands his title over to the referee. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.

Bonnie Jenkins: And finally, hailing from Atlanta, Georgia, standing at 5’10” and weighing in at 203 pounds, he is the reigning and defending XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Please welcome … EL RRRRRRRRREY!!!!!!!

Referee Troy Hastings holds the title up high and lets the 14 competitors all get a good look in at it. He then passes it to the timekeeper. He checks in with the competitors and calls for the bell!

XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship
Gauntlet Royal Match
El Rey (c) Vs Yuki Sakaraba Vs Austin Kade Vs Dylan Black Vs Takashi Shinobu Vs Zoran Sainovic Vs Noel Edmonds Vs Random McConalogue Vs Travis Monroe Vs Charles Vs Eli Dresden Vs Eron Hunter Vs The Star Trekker vs Jayson Matthews

With the sound of the bell, the action begins with a blur of motion. Yuki Sakaraba immediately grabs hold of the super cool feline and hoists him into the air like he weighed under twenty pounds. She begins to give him an earful of insults. Dylan and Zoran move to their own little corner of the ring and stare each other down. They smirk and Zoran beckons his super frienemy to embrace this challenge. Star Trekker goes to Random and begins to pitch they work together. Random seems to consider this, and they end up doing as such when Takashi and Noel Edmonds attack them from behind. Shinobu rains down punches to the mostly harmful Scot. Noel unloads with several bitch slaps to the turtling Trekker. Our plucky space case turns this around with a series of karate chops to make Bill Shatner proud. McConalogue manages to catch the arms of her assailant under her arms and then uses her legs to kick out his own legs and bring him to a kneeling base, where she unloads with a ferocious elbow strike to the head. She snaps him into a fujiwara armbar. Trekker, not to be outdone, grabs the arm of Edmonds, who begs for mercy. Meanwhile the actual champ is stalking around the ring, waiting for an opening. He suddenly yelps and jumps from the force of a full palm slap on his ass. He whirls around … and sees Eli Dresden, who waves her fingers in his face. He throws his hands up and yells NOPE! He turns to move to another place when he is met with a Charles to the gut by Yuki who is trying to pry the cat off her hands as he chews on her. Now hunched over … Eli winks at the camera and then begins to grind on the champ’s butt while slapping his cheeks. He yelps again and spins around only to have his face forced to her crotch as the grind continues.

Randy: Well that’s not safe for work …
Hawke: Eli IMMEDIATELY making her presence felt to the champ. And every man in the front ten rows. Security just had to drag away Tom Phillips …

She finishes with a hump to the butt, sending El Rey sprawling to the mat holding his head in disgust. At this moment Trekker’s sizable badonkadonk enters her periphery as well. Eli shrugs and moves over to the star fleet wannabe, who is hunched over Noel Edmonds and trying to pry his arms free into a submission. Dresden simply recreates her hump and grind on the Star Trekker as well!

Randy: An equal opportunity deviant?
Hawke: I mean I THINK It’s all in good fun. Do we have an HR rep in the back who can clarify this for us?

Shinobu manages to free himself from Random by grabbing the ropes with his free hand. The submission specialist allows him to dive through the ropes to the outside then turns to see the sheer chaos of her temporary ally being defiled by the XHF’s resident bi-saster. Monroe and Kade have begun to jockey back and forth in a series of chain wrestling, clearly the two out to make the biggest impression. Eron Hunter and Jayson Matthews meanwhile are engaged in a trade off of strikes. Noel Edmonds just stares, eyes wide, at the antics of Eli. He seems unable to move from shock … or something. Trekker meanwhile is quite put off by this and turns to yell out, “NO MEANS NO FLO! … Wait …” Thinking quickly, Trekker pulls Random and Eli aside and they roll out of the ring. Meanwhile Shinobu begins laying in kicks to the chest of Edmonds. Monroe gets the advantage and hits Austin with a snap suplex and taunts to the crowd … just to get a stuffed cat into his face. He claws at the clawed mascot of SKY Force who is really biting and scratching him good!

Randy: NIBBLES … BUSINESS CUT! NIBBLES! BUSIN- how does this cat have signature moves … it’s DISGRACFUL!
Hawke: Stop being biased Randy. Have some more super sake and enjoy the show.

Yuki grabs the cat … and turns to the corner where Dylan and Zoran are currently trading chops (complete with requisite WOOs from the crowd). Kade tackles Monroe to the mat and locks in an arm triangle choke. Sakaraba waits for her moment and swings her arm, sending Charles like a rocket square into the jewels of the Daemon of Mayhem. Dylan crumples like he was hit by a cinderblock to the nuts. Zoran’s eyes flash red and he turns … he smiles that sinister smile at Yuki. Suddenly he is attacked from behind by a Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Zoran just stands there and looks at Trekker … then his arm goes numb. He doesn’t have time to enact revenge as he is greeted by a springboard flying elbow from Eli Dresden, who launches right over Trekker. As Zoran stumbles away, Yuki hits him with a spinning leaping front roundhouse (trouble in paradise). Sainovic crashes to the mat hard. A slowly rising Dylan tries to choke the life out of the stuffed cat, but sees Zoran getting thrashed and instead tosses Charles, who lands with a crushing thud in the center of the ring. Black however is met by a rugby tackle spear by the master of miscellany. As Random rolls to her feet, the four women give each other a knowing nod. Trekker and Random pair off, as do Eli and Yuki. Dylan and Zoran slowly rise, grumbling like Harry Lime of Home Alone fame.

Randy: Hey they can’t team up like that! … But then again… KILL ZORAN, LADIES! SHOTS OF SUPER SAKE FOR WHOEVER CUTS HIS TITS OFF!
Hawke: RANDY!?
Randy: He’s not USING them, Joey!

Yuki and Eli hit a double thrust kick to the ribs of Zoran. Trekker and Random hit stereo dropkicks to Dylan, sending him to the mat. Kade and Monroe have tumbled to the floor fighting for the mount position on each other. Takashi has Matthews in a key lock on the mat, the Mighty Sandwich howls in pain and continues to wriggle to try and get his limbs free. Eron Hunter and El Rey are circling each other. A quick arm drag by Rey, kip up and follow up hip toss by Hunter. Rey rolls to his feet and sweeps the legs of the WUK star. Hunter manages to plant his hands on the mat and push back up to his feet with no ill effect. Suddenly, Noel Edmonds barrels into the two men basically doing the “I’m going to swing my arms like this and if you get punched it’s YOUR fault” move. Rey dodges, Hunter catches the septuagenarian and hits a northern lights suplex. He rolls back and pulls him up. On the second attempt, Edmonds clamps down in a guillotine choke, mostly out of fear not skill. Suddenly El Rey realizes he is all alone on his feet … with a certain feline. At least he was, Edmonds manages to get free of Hunter and releases the choke. He runs and tries to punt Charles into the face of his pursuer … and instead crumples in a heap holding his right foot. Hunter skids to a stop and pops an eyebrow… El Rey however takes advantage using his original mentor’s signature move.

Hawke: THE DROP TOE HOLD! What a move. And Eron Hunter is holding his head in agony.
Randy: He basically did a falling headbutt to Charles! Damn cheating cat.

Referee Troy Hastings sees two men down in a heap from touching a cat … and recalls the attack on Dylan. He examines Charles … and unzips something. The cinderblock falls to the mat. As Hastings removes the brick, he places Charles down … and El Rey laughs … charges … and punts the cat out of the ring and ten rows deep!

Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of both disqualification AND being launched over the top rope and hitting the floor … CHARLES IS ELIMINATED. Oh thank God, that charade was getting old fast.

Randy: HA! SUCK IT CHARLIE!
Hawke: Uncalled for.
Randy: HE DRANK ALL MY BEER!
Hawke: … how?
Randy: Cat enema of course…

Rey wastes no time hauling Edmonds to his feet and dumping him over the top rope. But Noel instinctively grabs the top rope and clings to it like a monkey in a tree. Austin Kade comes springboarding off the top rope with a thunderous drop kick to the champ. He wastes no motion pushing to his feet and hitting a standing moonsault. Yuki continues to rain kicks to the chest of Zoran, who is trying to block the blows. Dresden comes running looking for a slingblade but Sainovic manages to hold her in the air and dumps her over the ropes. Star Trekker breaks off from Dylan and slides out of the ring to the floor and catches Eli and rolls her back under the bottom rope. This allows Dylan to hit a throat chop to Random and hip toss her over the ropes! But she lands on the apron and then launches herself through the ropes with a spear to the Final Boss! Yuki turns her attention to Dylan and hits a fisherman’s buster on the former X*Crown champ!

Randy: Man those ladies are like a well-oiled machine. … Can we make them get oiled up plea-
Hawke: Randy! Stop it!
Randy: I just think it would add to the skill required to win the match! Maybe they all should be drunk too! ZORAN HAVE SOME SUPER SAKE! *he sips from a bottle of super sake … only the sticker peels a bit and the camera sees it’s actually Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale …*

The XHF Devil lashes out with a twisting stomach claw to gut of McConalogue. She writhes in agony as he slowly gets to his feet and uses this to force her to the mat. Trekker attempts to save her but a rogue Sandwich is sent careening across the ring at her! She ducks him but he handsprings, hits the ropes, and on the rebound he catches her with a neckbreaker. Dresden slides in and kicks the Final Boss in the back of the head before leaping off the middle rope, looking for a springboard diving DDT. Zoran however reverses it into a spine buster. Austin Kade meanwhile has Edmonds and Shinobu and slams their heads together. He then hits a standing dropkick to Edmonds, who rolls to the floor. El Rey comes flying off the top rope with a frog splash to the fallen Eli!

Hawke: Hey! He managed to attack her!
Randy: Yeah but she needs to go over the top rope.

Zoran pats Rey on the back and turns to Dylan. He grabs Yuki by her hair and yanks her off of Dylan. This allows Black to hit a bicycle knee strike to the intergalactic superstar.

Randy: DISASTERPIECE TO YUKI!

Star Trekker comes charging into the ring and sends a chop flurry to the Junior Heavyweight Champ. She pulls him away by his hair and tries to dump him over the ropes. Rey however reverses course and sends HER over the top rope! But the star fleet officer manages to catch her legs on the middle rope and save herself. Meanwhile Zoran has the Kawaii Supernova locked in the Conditionizer! He is choking the life out of her for interfering in his sparring match. Dresden is slow to her feet. Rey bumps into her and again his resolve withers. One little wink and he throws his hands up and walks away. Dresden stalks Zoran and Yuki. But before she can save her temporary ally, she is promptly grabbed from behind by Austin Kade, who hits her with a German Suplex. Eron Hunter now seizes the opportunity to grab the champion and throw him into the corner. He climbs up to the middle rope and rains down forearm shots as the crowd counts with him. Finally Trekker is able to get to her feet and hit a running senton on Zoran to break the submission and save Yuki, who like Edmonds, rolls out of the ring. Eli and Kade are trading arm drags when she sends him to the corner and charges in. He ducks out of the corner but she runs up the turnbuckle and backflips out into a moonsault to take him down. He locks his arms around her and manages to arch his back and rotate to get them both to a vertical base. The son of Diamond then back body drops Dresden to the apron … she launches a shoulder to his gut and then stands up … SUPERKICK!

Randy: ICON KICK! A move his father has perfected, and Eli Dresden is to the floor! Austin Kade racks up an elimination on a dark horse in this match.
Hawke: Eli is no push over for sure, having tamed the likes of Hyperion.

Bonnie Jenkins: ELI DRESDEN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

Eron Hunter has the champ on his knees and has a combination hammerlock and standing crossface locked in. Takashi is staggered in the ring by a flurry of kicks by the Motor City Mad Lad. A scoop slam and suddenly Matthews looks out at the crowd. He makes a show of calling for his move then runs off the ropes. He handsprings into the ropes and rebounds to his feet with a springing backflip elbow drop!

Randy: BANANARAMA!!!!! The move that ended Zoran’s night in SCCW during the Saints and Sinners cup!
Hawke: I can’t believe he landed it.

The Mighty Sandwich hauls his foe to his feet and then pulls him to the ropes. He leaps up with a headscissors and rotates to the ropes. Grabbing the top rope, Matthews launches Shinobu over the ropes and to the floor!

Bonnie Jenkins: TAKASHI SHINOBU HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! As of this point the method of elimination is now pinfalls only!

Travis Monroe charges in and steamrolls Austin Kade. He then turns his attention to Dylan Black, blasting him in the face with a series of elbows before pulling him into a short arm clothesline. Sainovic pulls Monroe away from Dylan and eats a jaw breaker for his troubles. Matthews finds himself with no time to celebrate as Random McConalogue rugby tackles him to the mat and locks in an anaconda vice! Monroe begins to stomp a mudhole in Zoran. Dylan kips up and grabs Monroe and blasts him with a forearm shiver. Monroe sends one right back. Eron Hunter has finally released the hold on El Rey. He drags the champ to the corner and pulls him to his feet and tries to get him onto the top rope. Rey sends a flurry of headbutts to the man he took the title from. Eron stumbles but manages to catch a leaping champ with a jumping roundhouse kick right to the nose. Rey collapses to the mat, face first, and grabs his nose. He is gushing blood. Hunter rolls into a pin. Troy Hastings dives for count.

ONE!
TWO!
Rey kicks out and rolls to the corner. Hunter doesn’t let up.

Randy: El Rey is busted open and bleeding bad.
Hawke: His nose appears broken.

Rey sits in the corner only to get blasted by a basement dropkick as more blood sprays. Rey instinctively kicks the feet out from Hunter. Meanwhile, Zoran Sainovic has seen this and catches the foot of Monroe. He writes a new method of pain for the Author by sitting up and DDT’ing the foot into the mat then sending an elbow to the front of the knee which buckles. Monroe collapses to the mat and Zoran rolls to his feet before dropping one heavy elbow drop on the throat of the Author. Zoran stalks Eron Hunter. Star Trekker jumps on Zoran from behind but the Final Boss flips her over his head and to the mat hard. He locks in the twisting stomach claw.

Hawke:Another Interrogation ’01! Star Trekker is crying out in pain.

Rey pulls to his feet and hits a stiff kick to the jaw of Eron before telling the ref to check him. As Hastings does, Rey unties the turnbuckle pad and tosses it to the ground. Yuki comes flying off the top rope to break the hold but Zoran releases and she lands full force on Trekker. Zoran simply grabs Sakaraba and pulls her into the spinning reverse STO facebuster.

Randy: THE REVOLVER! Yuki is down and out. And Trekker is in no position to save her.

Zoran pins. ONE! McConalogue moves to save her, but Dylan Black intercepts her with a Disasterpiece bicycle knee. TWO! THREE!

Bonnie Jenkins: Due to a pinfall, YUKI SAKARABA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

Dylan grabs the hair of Random and hits a rising kick to the throat. He then stomps down on her throat and grinds his boot. McConalogue gasps for air and continues to try and pull Dylan away. Finally she manages to get a grip on his leg and wrench Dyl down. She then rolls him into an inside cradle.

ONE!

Zoran boots her in the back behind the lungs to break the pin.

Hawke: No flash roll-up for Random at this time.
Randy: She’s become really known for those despite being a submission expert.

Hunter has El Rey tangled up in the corner and is sending chop after chop to the chest of the champion, whose torso is a glowing bright red. Noel Edmonds sneaks into the ring and catches Austin Kade from behind with a big boot. He grabs the hair and uses it to bounce the DTF star’s head off the mat. Referee Hastings rushes over and gives him a five count. Monroe rises to his feet and lets out a roar. He looks around and finds the Star Trekker on the mat in agony from her interaction with Zoran. He laughs and stalks her. He pulls her to her feet an hushes the crowd before sending an overhand chop to the chest, which echoes throughout the bank arena. Zoran approaches Eron Hunter and locks in a cobra clutch, pulling him away from a woozy El Rey. The champ’s nose is still leaking blood.

Randy: Zoran saving his protégé, what a guy! … Someone kill him!
Hawke: It’s utter chaos in the ring right now-HOLY SHIT!

Jayson Matthews comes from nowhere and off the corner with a backflip and catches both Monroe and Trekker with a cutter!

Randy: I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT CUTTER!!!!!!
Hawke: … Well yeah, because it clearly was.

He then runs off the ropes and hits the BANANARAMA on Travis Monroe, remaining on top of him and hooking the leg!

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!

Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of the BANANARAMA and a pinfall, TRAVIS MONROE IS ELIMINATED!

Dylan Black with a European uppercut to the throat of Random. She grasps at her neck, which is really swelling. But Dylan next walks right into the Western Spiral Arm Bar. The EVE member yelps in pain as his arm is wrenched hard in the socket. Noel Edmonds is now retreating as Austin Kade has recovered and knocked him off of him. In the corner Zoran continues to choke out Eron Hunter, allowing Rey to get his stomps in. Hunter manages to kick him in the gut then springboard off the ropes to backflip over Sainovic. He plants him with a reverse DDT. Rey cracks him in the head with an elbow then tosses him spine first into the exposed turnbuckle. Kade catches Edmonds as he runs, and pulls him in only to get poked in the eyes. Noel sees his foe blinded and laughs… he begins to pepper him with sloppy closed fist punches. Kade reflexively snaps out and hits Edmonds hard with a Kade Kick followed by the Kade Kutter!!

Randy: WHOA! He didn’t even need to see Noel to hit that combo. I bet it was the old man smell.
Hawke: … Oooh … Kay …

But Austin cannot pin his foe as he stumbles back and into a recovering Star Trekker who instinctively rolls him up and grabs the tights.

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!!!!

Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of pinfall, AUSTIN KADE IS ELIMINATED! Eliminations can now only happen by submission!

As Austin is helped out of the ring he sees a fan in the front row wearing Poena merchandise. The man shouts at Kade that his dad will be the new prophet. Austin just warily walks away.

Hawke: Well this really puts people in an interesting situation. Only Zoran and Random really use submissions here with any regularity.
Randy: Necessity is the *BEEEEEELCH* … invention … et cetera …

Random is really struggling to breathe as Dylan continues to rain shot to the throat. Trekker pops to her feet and attempts to save her remaining ally. Dylan however bounces their heads off each other. Only he then eats a leaping knee to the back of the neck sending him sprawling to the mat. We hear a shout of BANANA SANDWICH BAY BAY! McConalogue scrambles away from the ruckus. Matthews locks Dylan in a Boston Crab and calls for the crowd to cheer. Meanwhile. EL Rey has Eron Hunter in that corner and is sending kicks into his gut and ribs to try and ground the speedy fighter. In a bit of desperation, Hunter grabs the belt of El and yanks him into the turnbuckle, face first. A huge gash opens up over the right eye of the champ and he drops to the mat and rolls from the ring, his face now a shade of crimson. Trekker and Rey both reside on the outside as Hastings notices the turnbuckle pad and admonishes Eron, who claims he didn’t realize. Troy then ties the turnbuckle pad back on. In his distraction, he misses the Grab a Grand being executed by Noel Edmonds on Dylan Black and Jayson Matthews.

Randy: No man wants an older man fondling his dangly bits.
Hawke: I actually whole heartedly agree.

Black reflexively frees himself by gouging the eyes of Edmonds hard. A headbutt from the Daemon of Mayhem actually causes both he and Noel to drop to the mat in pain. Jayson stumble off to a neutral corner. Random has the misfortune of finding her way, not to her ally Trekker, but to the pants legs of Zoran Sainovic. She pulls herself up on the man who turns to acknowledge this only to be pulled into an armbar. Sainovic seems put out by this and begins to mutter curses in Serbian at the dangerous Scot. The Final Boss makes his way to the ropes and grabs hold. Troy Hastings has Random break the hold. As the ref buries his head under the arm of Random to pull her away, Zoran slides a hidden blade, no larger than an inch, down his sleeve. He thrusts the blade right into the quadricep of McConalogue as she is pushed away and she screams in agony and collapses in a heap. Zoran hides his weapon and immediately ties her up with his rolling guillotine choke!

Randy: CONDITIONIZER LOCKED IN! Random is in agony from that stab to the leg.
Hawke: And the throat was already damaged by Dylan Black.

Random fights it for a long time. She manages to get to her hands and knees and rock forward into a pinning predicament! But Zoran immediately lifts his shoulders and tightens the hold. On the verge of passing out, Random spies her ally Trekker slowly climbing into the ring … only to be cut off by El Rey yanking her back out and slamming her spine first into the barricade, then whipping her back first into the ring apron. Random has no choice but to tap out to avoid the wrath of the XHF Devil.

Zoran Sainovic: You are good for sure. But I am ze best. Better luck next time!

Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of submission, RANDOM MCCONALOGUE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

Hawke: A valiant fight but in the end not enough to survive the three time X*Crown champ.
Randy: *gulping sake from a big gulp* Still, impressive. I can see why Cross likes that one.

Eron Hunter manages to find a woozy Noel Edmonds. Edmonds flails wildly at him but Hunter uses his surgical style accuracy to pepper the old man with kicks to his ribs and gut.

Noel Edmonds: BLOBBY! BLOBBY COME SAVE ME! HE STOLE YOUR SHERBET!

A roar of “BLOOOBBBBY!” is head and the thing himself comes running down the ramp. But he is intercepted by the loads of security the bank, XHF, and the city of New York have placed here. Eron Hunter looks back at his foe and gets an uppercut to the dick for his trouble. The ref, tending to Blobby, misses this. Edmonds locks in a front chancery on Eron.

Noel Edmonds: REF! He tapped out! He gave in to my superior talent!

Eron however refutes this by simply picking up Noel and planting him with a Rising Star Suplex! Edmonds is basically out cold on the mat and Hunter locks in a cloverleaf with immediate tap out.

Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of submission, NOEL EDMONDS HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Now please get that pink monstrosity out of here? And Blobby also!

Blobby grabs his friend and carries him away. There is a break in the action in the ring as Hunter, Matthews, Black and Sainovic all top to catch their breath and survey the damage. Meanwhile outside the ring …

Randy: STOP MAN SHE’S ALREADY DEAD!
Hawke: Indeed, Rey has spent the last minute slamming the spine of the Star Trekker into every solid object around the ring he could find.

Indeed a loud metal thud from the Picardophile hitting the steel stairs rings out through the entire bank. The poor interloper of a popular racing squad is on the floor holding her back in agony. Rey just laughs as his face is completely obscured by blood. Blood which STILL pours. Rey rolls her into the ring and tells everyone else to back off. Zoran steps forward as a way to enforce this decree as Dylan shrugs and sits on the top turnbuckle. El Rey locks the legs of the Trekker, and then the arms. He rolls back into a bow and arrow lock. You can almost hear the crunch of bones as he pushes with all his strength with his knees in her back. Despite a valiant effort … she has no choice but to tap out.

Hawke: A great showing from the young nerd- I mean rising star!
Randy: Can’t it be both?

Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of submission, THE STAR TREKKER HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! The next three eliminations can only happen via KO or ten count.

The five remaining superstars all look around at each other. Matthews and Eron Hunter realize the dire straits they are in. Zoran steps forward to laugh at them.

Zoran Sainovic: Nobody would blame you for laying down. It would be ze better part of valor. I’d hate to have to use more dangerous tactics to shut you both down.

Dylan slowly inches up behind Zoran … he looks ready to strike … when Eron and Jayson have had enough and charge in. They push both men back and sandwich Rey behind them in the corner as they unleash a torrent of kicks on them. Hunter yanks Zoran away from Dylan and Rey and sends a flurry of punches to the Final Boss. Hunter whips him into the corner and signals to Matthews who sprints in and clobbers Zoran with a BANANA SANDWICH!

Randy: That little Detroit dude just put Zoran to the mat!
Hawke: Zoran looks more annoyed than injured.

Dylan charges after him. The Mighty Sandwich turns around right into a huge clothesline. Jayson flips and lands face down on the mat. Eron and El Rey now stare each other down … Rey just laughs and tells him to bring it. Eron unloads with a combination of chops and punches before sending three kicks to the gut. EL Rey spits out blood and looks worse for wear. Dylan stomps away on the Motor City Mafioso. Matthews manages to roll out of the assault to the apron and then kicks Dylan’s ankle as he approaches. Black falls forward and catches his throat on the top rope. Jayson kips up on the apron and leaps over Dylan and plants him with a Code Red! Hunter meanwhile hauls Rey from the corner only to get caught with a knee to the gut. Rey leaps up and double stomps onto the spine of the hunched Hunter. Matthews pulls Dylan to his feet then hits a release belly-to-belly sending him over the top to the floor!

Randy: AIR DYLAN! Serves you right ya terrorist!
Hawke: Allegedly.
Randy: Nothing alleged about it! It totally serves him right.

Zoran grabs Jayson and hits a flurry of elbows to the head but Matthews counters with a ribkracker after a quick shove. The ref is counting out Dylan outside. At three he begins to roll around. Rey manages to hit Eron with the X’d Out and stumbles to the corner … clearly fading from blood loss. He looks down at his worthy opponent. He slowly climbs to the top rope … but Eron sprints in and crotches him. Dylan is up at six and stumbles toward the ring where Matthews is now stomping Zoran on the mat. Hunter climbs to the top rope and looks for a big move. But Rey sends a few rabbit punches to the challenger and then headbutts him. Now wearing a crimson mask of Rey’s blood, Hunter manages to hold on and hit a few forearm shots. But Rey grabs him … SLICED BREAD OFF THE TOP ROPE!

Hawke: HOLY EXPLETIVE DELETED! Hunter is down!

Rey … not content, slowly climbs BACK up top … he points to the sky and wipes the blood from his eyes. 630 SENTON SPLASH!!!!! Hunter spasms from the impact then goes limp. Hastings begins the count. Dylan slides into the ring and clubs Matthews in the back but gets a mule kick to the gut for his trouble. Dylan backs off and Matthews scoop slams Zoran. The crowd goes nuts as he taunts. As the ref hits five, Rey begins to stir. At seven, Matthews charges off the ropes for the finish. He handsprings. At eight, Rey is to his wobbly feet and stumbles to the neutral corner where Dylan resides. NINE! TEN! Hunter is eliminated. Matthews leaps into his back flip when Zoran springs his trap and catches the man mid-air and locks in the Balachko Clutch!

Randy: HE REVERSED THE BANANARAMA!
Hawke: To the well too many times.

Zoran Sainovic: No no, no more of zis. You can go to sleep now.

Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of failing to answer the referee’s ten count, ERON HUNTER IS ELIMINATED

Matthews struggles. He fights. He uses all his energy to try and survive. It’s what he does best. He needs to prove he isn’t a loser. But the lights slowly fade. The ref lifts his arm. It falls. Dylan sneaks up behind El Rey … and clubs him in the back of the head with an axe handle smash. The ref lifts Matthews’s arm again. It falls.

Zoran Sainovic: Zis is how it had to end, Rey. Ze three of us. Now you can prove yourself … ah …

DYNAMIC OUTRO TO EL REY! A blood splatter on the ring signifies the blood loss and damage. The third check … Matthews is done. Troy waves it off and signals the elimination.

Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of KO, JAYSON MATTHEWS HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

Zoran tosses the limp man aside as he checks on El Rey … Dylan pushes him back and signifies one of them has to walk out with the title. It was predestined. Dylan then pulls El Rey into a camel clutch. The ref checks him. Rey spits blood … and then goes limp. Haskins waves off Rey!

Bonnie Jenkins: As a result of blood loss, EL REY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Please lower the cage! The first man of these two to escape will be your new XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP!

There are a few quick lunges that are dodged before Zoran and Dylan begin circling the ring. Where once they were a pair of sharks, now they were…well they were still a pair of sharks, just now they were trying to eat each other. It would seem neither was able to get the drop on the other as they were hoping.

Randy: Am I the only one who thinks it’s kinda sus that the Super Frenemies made it to the end.
Hawke: I see what you’re getting at but it’s well within the rules for them to work together. And now it looks like they’re both trying to get an opening on the other!

The crowd is on their feet as both men circle the ring. Dylan is the first one to touch the cage wall, thinking that perhaps his youthful vigor can get him up the cage wall quickly enough before the much older Zoran catches him. He is wrong though, as soon as Dylan reaches back the other three-time X*Crown champion lunges at him and reminds him that the ring is only so big. Zoran whips Black into the ropes but then follows him bashing his head against the cage before he can bounce off!

Hawke: And see? They’re not even playing nice.
Randy: Well that’s at least some comfort.

Dylan turns to his super frenemy, a little blood trickling from his lip from the contact with the cage. He smiles. He throws a punch toward Sainovic, but Zoran has had Dylan scouted for months and just diverts the punch- that’s when he realizes that Dylan has had Zoran scouted for months because Dylan jumps up with a surprise knee to the face! Sainovic stumbles backwards. Dylan takes advantage by throwing his body at Zoran, knocking him over with a cross-body splash!

Hawke: It would appear that Dylan Black is taking a kamikaze approach in order to throw Zoran off of his game.
Randy: Dylan DID say he really needed this win.

Dylan rolls through the splash and, jumps up, and quickly tries to climb the cage. As a wrestler though, he starts to slow down pretty quickly into climb, which is problematic as Zoran gets back on his feet, quickly ascends after him and grabs him. While holding Dylan, Sainovic mouths something about gooses and ganders, then LAUNCHES himself off the cage wall with his legs, yanking Dylan off and sending both men tumbling to the ring!

Hawke: What a fall!
Randy: What kind of bump card does Zoran have to continue putting his body on the line!?

The two men start to get up. They’re both smiling, but it’s an unsettling smile. Dylan, again trying something new, does what appears to be a break dancing move and spins on the ground with a kick to Zoran! Sainovic grabs his leg though- AND BITES IT!

Randy: In some sense maybe Dylan is thankful he can feel that.
Hawke: I doubt he’s feeling very thankful now.

Dylan drops a hammer of a fist on the back of Zoran’s skull to knock him off his leg. The older man scoots back a bit and shows a slightly redder toothy grin to his opponent. Dylan gets up, gingerly at first, but then takes a run at Zoran. He goes for a spin-kick to the still-down Sainovic, but Zoran quickly yanks down the top rope, trapping Dylan’s foot between it and the middle rope! He then gets up slowly as Dylan hops on one foot trying to loosen himself but BAM! A massive Serbian fist sends him reeling back- though still stuck. That’s when an equally large Serbian boot meets Dylan’s caught leg.

Hawke: Oh no…
Randy: This…this is suddenly methodical.
Hawke: I didn’t know you knew what that meant.
Randy: You’d be surprised what I pick up.

Dylan is down on the mat, his leg still stuck. He bangs the mat in frustration and pain when Zoran squares up for another SHARP kick to the prone leg! Satisfied that the damage is done as Dylan tries to go limp in hopes of being free, Sainovic walks to the other side of the ring and slowly begins to climb up. It’s a slow climb though. Once he gets to the top of the cage for some reason he pauses. He can’t help but to look back and see if his bear-trapped opponent has yet gnawed off his own leg. As it turns out he has not. In fact, Dylan isn’t even there anymore. The three-time X*Crown champion curses to himself because he knows exactly what’s about to happen.

Hawke: DYLAN HAS JUST LAUNCHED HIMSELF OFF OF THE TURNBUCKLE AND NEARLY FLOWN TO THE TOP OF THE CAGE!

Using his good foot Dylan was able to project himself off of the top and jump juuuuust high enough to grab Zoran by the face and introduce said face to the scaffold at the top of the cage! As he comes down from this jump, Dylan grabs the side of the cage and completes his own climb. The two are now precariously perched on top of the cage. Zoran smiles at the only other three-time X*Crown champion, a wicked smirk.

Zoran Sainovic: Go ahead, jump. Get your title. It’ll only cost…one leg. zat’s a better offer than your silly Star Wars fed ever offered- or JROK, for zat matter.

Dylan actually considers it, but decides he’d rather not go back to being handicapped. Instead Black jumps onto Zoran, unloading years of frustration over his maiming onto his frenemy.

Hawke: It looks like Zoran struck a nerve with that comment!

Punch after punch rains down onto Zoran’s face, tenderizing it like meat. After finally exorcising his demons he takes a breather and stares into Zoran’s swollen eyes. HEADBUTT! The Final Boss reminds Dylan of why he has his name and in one move causes blood to flow from Dylan’s nose. HEADBUTT! Again! A sick smile forms across Zorans face. HEADBUTT! Now he’s in control as he’s getting up and Black backs away. HEA- NO! Dylan grabs Zoran’s head and pulls it under his arm. He looks around at the crowd and into the ring down below.

Randy: No way, he’s not going to head-drop-thing Zoran into the ring is he!?
Hawke: You mean DDT? It’s a basic move, you literally do it. But anyway, he just might!

But that moment of hesitation is a moment too long! Zoran wraps his arms around Dylan and powers into a not-exactly-suplex! The two of them fall onto the cage top, barely avoiding falling to the ground below. Dylan is down, breathing hard. Zoran starts to get back up. He reaches down to Dylan, extending a helping hand. DYLAN TAKES IT!

Randy: This is the weirdest love story ever.
Hawke: I don’t like agreeing with you but…

Carefully, Zoran helps Dylan get to his feet, something that is done with a little difficulty because of Dylan’s already injured leg. Once he’s settle the two square back up. Zoran signals for Black to take a swing at him. Dylan does, but Sainovic just backs up at the right time, allowing Dylan to stumble forward. With his legs no longer stabilizing him, it is a simple matter for Zoran to push Dylan off the cage and back into the ring. THUD.

Randy: That was not a pretty landing.
Hawke: Zoran using his wisdom and experience might have just taking Dylan out of this match- at the very least.

Taking a moment to survey what he has done, Zoran Sainovic, three-time X*Crown Champion, slicks back his sweaty hair, and slowly descends the outside of the cage.

Bonnie Jenkins: YOUR WINNER … AND NEW XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPON … THE FINAL BOSS … ZORAN SAINOVIC!!!

Zoran leans on the announce table as he is handed the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship. He laughs and holds it high. He shrugs at the broken body of Dylan Black in the ring, who reaches out to him in pain. On the ground the referees are still tending to El Rey, patching up the bleeding in the timekeeper’s area.

Randy: Fox is currently X*Crown champ, pending results tonight, and now Zoran is our Junior Heavyweight champ … what did we do to deserve this?
Zoran Sainovic: I know! Great, right? Don’t worry, I will wear zis with honor to preserve ze legacy my dear El Rey started. Unlike some other feds might … I’m sure Memaw is rolling in her grave.
Hawke: I don’t think Grandma Mary is … uh … deceased …
Zoran Sainovic: YET! Give it time …

The scene fades out with medical personal sliding into the ring as the cage lifts. They meet Troy Hastings over the broken body of Dylan Black as he tries to shove them away and leave on his own power. Zoran simply sits on the announce table and watches the referee and medical personal tend to the two people he almost barely kind of cared about…

---

Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello everyone and welcome to Hardkore World’s Heavyweight Championship match, I’m Guillermo…
Phillip Blauer: And I’m Phillip Blauer, sorry I was a little late. Little fun trivia. New York has this crazy business called “traffic.” Being from Palm Springs, I was unaware of this custom. Luckily I was able to find a charming rickshaw…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jonnie Valentine saw you brought here by a homeless guy pushing you a shopping cart?
Phillip Blauer: Must you be so crude? But yes. And his name was Zipperface Pete. Now, unless you’ve been watching West Coast television at 11pm on a Friday, many of you XWF…
Guillermo O’Bannon: XHF…
Phillip Blauer: XHF…that can’t be right…anyway, X something fans, may not know who we are. I totally get it, and believe me, I wish I was you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore World has been around since 1989, but this is our first time in New York!
Phillip Blauer: This is a much better production department than I am accustomed to. I’ve been hearing these things called “cues” in my earlobe cozy…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Headphones.
Phillip Blauer: …Headphones. And we’re working a bank? This place is great, there’s free lollipops!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is true.
Phillip Blauer: And all the free pens!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, that’s…wait, you can’t take the pens home. They have those little chains on them.
Phillip Blauer: Sure you can. You barely even have to brace your leg against the table to rip those things off. Believe me, I got into a sort of rhythm after a while.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well we are very honored to be representing Hardkore World here at our first XHF event!
Phillip Blauer: It’s a lot like when your cousin gets out of prison and comes to that one Thanksgiving before everyone decides it’s for the best if you just stay far away from The Normals.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We’ll try to behave. But it might get out of hand as usual as we are about to have our epic submission rematch between new Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kalmin Watts and former champion Cross Recoba. This goes back to March when the two had competing submission challenges. There were lawyers, injunctions, and head to head challenges before they finally got into the ring in Portland. That match was a pretty unsatisfactory DQ ending, so they hooked back up at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023 in the main event, and Kalmin Watts was able to beat Cross Recoba clean in the middle to win his first World Championship. Now these two submission masters return to the ring for a match where the only way to win is to make your opponent tap out.

"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside Central Savings Bank as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. Out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The HCW Diamond title is draped over his shoulder. The crowd responds with a cavalcade of boos and jeers. Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the audience. He holds up the cane that has caused so much trouble in the past to an even more venomous response from the fans, and begins down the ramp still holding it aloft.

Phillip Blauer: And here he is, the man who will get back to me on my resume tape when he has some time on his hands, the Tap Out Owner, my future employer, and the next two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba. If any other territory happens to be looking for a color commentator, I am more than willing to jump ship to literally anywhere else.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And if you need any kind of letter of recommendation, I would be happy to write one for you.
Phillip Blauer: (pats Guillermo’s hand) Aw, that’s sweet, but we need it to be spelled correctly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba has become a man possessed, consumed by the need to regain his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. He feels it was a fluke brought on by a hostile Irish crowd that are fans of his from Wrestle: UK.
Phillip Blauer: Not to mention the heavy travel Cross was forced to endure with his commitments to Tap Out, and that Irish soda bread. What the hell is that stuff?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross claims that Hardkore World needs him as champion. He thinks that him being on top is what has lead to our growth over the past year. Cross can say whatever he wants, but Kalmin Watts was the better man that night in Dublin, and if he hopes to get his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship back he is going to have to make a man who has never submitted, tap out.
Phillip Blauer: That would be a tall order on a normal evening, but Kalmin Watts just went through a hell in the cell match for the Wrestle: UK Championship. Whatever is left of that Oakie from Wiskokie, Cross can tie into a pretzel.

Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck. He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron and, with a wipe of his feet, slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder

Guillermo O’Bannon: That is true, Cross is working with quite the advantage here tonight. Earlier tonight, Kalmin Watts defeated Wesley Crane by piledriving him on some tools to win the Wrestle: UK World Championship. But it was a taxing encounter that would be very hard to recover from in a few days, let alone an hour or so. But Kalmin would have it no other way, and with one title belt secured, he is looking to walk out of here with both of them.
Phillip Blauer: Why are these New York sweathogs booing Mr. Recoba? He’s good looking, smells terrific. See, I go mostly by smell…

Cross stands to his full height and smirks, stepping over to the far corner to await the beginning of the match.

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba has vowed to show no mercy, even predicting that he will force Anthony Jordan to throw in the towel looking towards the entrance, waiting to see what condition Kalmin Watts is in.
Phillip Blauer: I imagine it’s bad. I’m picturing it right now and it’s troubling.

"Boomer Sooner" hits. Kalmin Watts walks out from behind the curtain with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship wrapped around his waist and a white bandage over his forehead from the earlier cut from the hell in a cell match. Anthony Jordan walks out behind him, with the Wrestle: UK World Championship slung over his shoulder, pumping up the crowd. Watts raises the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and soaks in the cheers of the New York fans.

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts’ second appearance tonight after winning that Wrestle: UK World title from “The High Roller” Wesley Crane, but this is his first appearance as Hardkore World Champion and this crowd is electric!
Phillip Blauer: You’re supposed to be quiet in a bank. It’s pretty rude actually.

Watts interacts and slaps hands with fans as Jordan stays in his ear giving him advice.

Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan trying to get his client to see the big picture, and urges him not to leave himself with nothing going into their August Iron Man match in Denver.
Phillip Blauer: That’s loser talk. How do any of his clients win with Eeyore as their manager?
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Kalmin Watts looking to do the impossible tonight, and defend the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship after that brutal hell in a cell match with The High Roller” Wesley Crane. But the odds were stacked against him in Dublin, and he was able to still pull it out in the end.

Once he gets to ringside, Watts walks up the stairs, wipes his boots on the apron, and enters the ring. He walks to his corner and focuses on his match ahead as Jordan follows him in.

Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts is proud to be our champion,

The lights go out and then a spotlight hits XHF ring announcer Bonnie Jenkins. The audience roars in anticipation of the next match

Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and Gentleman, the following contest is a Submission Match for the HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!

The New Yorkers pop

Bonnie Jenkins: It is scheduled for one fall, 30 minute time limit and will be fought under Hardkore World rules and standards. Your referee is XHF official, Gary Mundt. Featuring first, The Challenger. From The Entertainment Capital of the World, Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch, and Weighs 230 pounds; He is the CEO of Tap Out, He is The Hammer, He is The HCW Diamond Champion…CROSS RECOBA!!!

The Central Bank rocks with boos that Cross ignores; smirking at Kalmin Watts and Anthony Jordan

Bonnie Jenkins: His opponent is accompanied to the ring by the manager of champions, Anthony Jordan. He hails from The Sooner State in Tulsa, Oklahoma; He stands 6 foot 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is the new Wrestle: UK World Champion; He is The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…KALMIN WATTS!!!

The audience drowns out Bonnie with a thunderous wave of cheers and whistles. Kalmin Watts holds up his both his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship belt and his Wrestle: UK World title. Cross Recoba nods at them as Anthony Jordan pats Watts’ shoulder and gives him some last minute advice

Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Submission Match
Kalmin Watts (c) Vs Cross Recoba

Gary Mundt signals for the bell and Cross and Kalmin circle one another

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts moves in for a lock up but Recoba backs into the corner and sticks his head through the ropes. The XHF official is forced to ask Kalmin to back off.

The crowd boos Cross Recoba who sneers back at them. Watts tries to get around the referee but Mundt cuts him off, so Kalmin must relent and back up

Phillip Blauer: Kalmin Watts is the larger man, so Cross has to use the ring as a weapon. Being the true ring veteran that he is. He studies film, and will study this match, and I hope when he watches this back he sees insight like that is what would make me an essential new piece of the Tap Out team.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba cautiously leaves the corner and measures Kalmin, looking for a way to strike. But the bull-like Kalmin side steps around the ring, daring the former champ to try it.

Kalmin Watts locks up with Cross, but Cross grabs a side headlock. He locks his hands and cranks up on the temple as the fans jeer

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin tries to push him off but Cross hangs onto the headlock. Watts then lift Recoba up onto his shoulder for an atomic drop, but Recoba takes him over in a headlock takedown!
Phillip Blauer: (cups his hand around the mic on his headset) The fatigue difference is showing itself early on here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, making your commentary louder won’t make it better.
Phillip Blauer: I just want Cross and the other territory owners to be able to hear me clearly later.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross now has Kalmin in a headlock on the mat. He’s got control of the big guy on the mat.

Kalmin Watts whips up his legs and peels back Cross’ head with a headscissors. Anthony Jordan yells encouragement from the outside

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts clamping down on Recoba’s head with those trunk like legs.
Phillip Blauer: He must save a fortune on nutcrackers with those thighs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok? Cross works his way to his tippy toes, with Watts still holding onto his head with the leg scissors.

Cross flips and slips his head out of the headscissors and lands on his feet behind Watts. He grabs Watts in a headlock, and cracks him with a few punches to the bandage over the eyebrow

Phillip Blauer: Cross giving him a little English there in the old eyebrow.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The referee calling for a break, but Recoba continuing to attempt to open up Watts with those punches. Watts grabs him in a waistlock, and drops Cross on the back of his head with a belly to back suplex!

The audience comes to life! Cross Recoba rolls out of the ring holding the back of his head. He almost walks into Anthony Jordan, then sees him and turns around, walking the opposite direction

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts may have had that brutal hell in a cell match earlier with Wesley Crane for the Wrestle: UK Championship, but there is still a lot of fight in the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion!

Kalmin Watts rips off the bandage and reveals his stitches have opened up

Phillip Blauer: See? Watts is already bleeding. That was easier than microwaving a Pop Tart.

The New York fans chant “WATTS!! WATTS!! WATTS!!” as Cross Recoba paces on the floor, still holding the back of his neck

Phillip Blauer: No rush. All the time in the World. It’s XHF so we’re not about to lose our satellite window like we’re used to back home.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross slides back into the ring and then sits in the corner, forcing the XHF official to push Watts back.

The fans boo as an exasperated Watts pleads with Gary Mundt to just let him at Cross.

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross comes out of the corner and catches the over excited Watts with a snapmare. He catches Watts getting up with a dropkick.

Cross Recoba backs him into a corner and stands him up with an uppercut forearm. He whacks Kalmin Watts with a chop to the chest. Another chop gets a scattered “Woo!” from the New York fans

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts fires back with his own chop. He grabs Cross under the shoulders, and forcefully switches places with him in the corner. Kalmin then smacks Recoba with another hard chop and then belly to belly suplexes him out of the corner!

The fans cheer and Cross sits up in pain. Kalmin Watts scoops him up and bodyslams him to the mat

Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts irish whips Cross into the ropes and backdrops him high into the lights!

The audience lets out a monster pop as Cross lands hard on his back, pain etched all over his face

Phillip Blauer: Cross cannot let Kalmin get this crowd into a frenzy like they did in Dublin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m not used to you talking this much during a match, it’s throwing me off.
Phillip Blauer: (disingenuous) What? I’m always this eager to participate.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’ve caught you napping.
Phillip Blauer: Sometimes you gotta let a match breathe, son.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts irish whips Recoba back into the ropes, but this time Recoba comes back with a basement dropkick to his knee.

Kalmin Watts holds his leg, and grinds his own face into the mat in pain. His fists ball up, while Cross Recoba gets up looking like the cat that swallowed the canary. The audience rains boos down on to the ring

Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s the same knee that Crane put through the ringer in their match earlier tonight.
Phillip Blauer: If a man can’t stand, he can’t fight.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m surprised that you saw Karate Kid?
Phillip Blauer: Who’s Karate Kid? I was just explaining why I pick on the handicapped.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba sits on Watts’ back and applies a camel clutch. He locks his fingers underneath Watts’ chin and rocks back his head and necks.

The fans boo. The referee checks in to see if he wants to give up, but a crimson masked Kalmin shakes his head

Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba sits back low on the small of Kalmin Watts’ back, rocking back on the camel clutch.

Cross Recoba finally releases the camel clutch, and pulls Watts up to his feet. He snap suplexes him hard into the mat, and then climbs to the top turnbuckle. A bloody Watts gets to his feet as the crowd urges him to get out of the way

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba dives off the top turnbuckle with a flying spinning forearm that catches him right between the eyes!

Recoba pulls him up and scoops him up into a bodyslam, but Kalmin floats over the top and lands on his feet behind him in an inverted facelock

Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion lifts him up into the air, and then drops him on his back with a reverse suplex!

Cross Recoba tries to spring back up, but staggers into a bearhug. Recoba cries out in pain as Kalmin restricts his breathing

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts with the vice like grip on Cross Recoba’s lower back! XHF referee Gary Mundt checks in but Cross refuses, trying his best to hang on, as Kalmin tries to soften up his ribs for The Sooner Squeeze.

The referee asks Recoba again, but Cross shakes his head. Suddenly, Kalmin swinging him into a spinning belly to belly suplex that knocks the wind out of Cross

Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts applies a wristlock on the mat. He pushes down on Recoba’s wrist, pointing their elbows up into the air.

Watts sits on the mat with the wristlock on Cross’ arm, putting pressure on his wrist and arm. Cross back rolls back to his feet with Watts holding onto the arm

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba uses that arm to arm drag Kalmin Watts. Watts rolls to his feet and comes at him but Cross takes him out with a leg lariat. He grabs Watts’ leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab.

The New York crowd boos. Cross Recoba sits down low on Kalmin’s back, pulling back on his leg. XHF official Gary Mundt checks in to see if Watts wants to give up while he bleeds a puddle on the mat

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross trying to hyperextend that knee that took a lot of punishment, including a single leg by Wesley Crane as well.
Phil Blauer: And that’s realer than “Real Deal” Holyfield. See? To the other companies watching this, I can also appeal to today’s youth with hip interjections like that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, but I think those youth you’re trying to appeal to are in their late 40’s. But Kalmin does a push up and uses those powerful legs to push out of the half crab, pitching Cross to the ground.

Kalmin Watts tries to pull himself up by the ropes, but Cross comes up from behind him and knees him in the back of the knee

Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba puts Watts’ foot on the bottom rope, and then stomps the side of Kalmin’s knee.

Watts howls in pain, rolling around the mat, clutching his knee. While Kalmin is on his hands and knees, Cross grabs him by the ankle, lifts him off the mat and slams him knee first into the mat with a knee crusher. Anthony Jordan tries to get Kalmin’s attention as he deals with the pain

Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts pulls himself up by the ropes, Cross goes to hip toss him, but Watts blocks it. Kalmin counters with an abdominal stretch!

The New York fans come to life as Kalmin Watts twists Cross like a pretzel in the abdominal stretch. Cross’ face is awash with pain

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts using that 5 inch height advantage to bend Recoba to an impossible degree.
Phil Blauer: That hardly seems fair. Is it too late to request that Watts should have to do the match on his knees?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Probably. Watts continuing to target the ribs for The Sooner Squeeze. He plants his foot and pulls back on Recoba’s trapped arm.

The referee asks Recoba if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head. Watts converts it into a gut wrench suplex. Cross holds the side of his ribs and moans

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin scoops Recoba up and drops him on his knee with a ribbreaker. He shows his incredible strength by pressing him back up and then hitting him with another ribbreaker, and a third!

The busted wide open Kalmin Watts finally allows Cross to drop to the mat. The audience chants “LET’S GO WATTS!! LET’S GO WATTS!! LET’S GO WATTS!!” while Anthony Jordan pounds on the apron in time

Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts arm drags him and quickly applies an armbar. He uses that height advantage to wrench up on the arm, driving Cross down to one knee.

Cross clenches his fist, but Kalmin clamps down on the arm bar and he is forced to release it from the pain. Recoba stands back up, looking for an escape.

Phil Blauer: And you know, I’m not just looking for a commentator position. If any of these other companies need a backstage interviewer, pre-show hype guy…I’ll pitch merch deals during intermission. I’m really looking to diversify my portfolio.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba uses his free arm to scoop Watts up and bodyslam him. Watts gets back up and goes in for the kill, but Recoba catches that leg in a drop toehold. He gets on Kalmin’s back with a hammerlock.

Cross pulls up on Watts’ arm from behind his back, bending his elbow to the breaking point. Anthony Jordan pounds on the mat and then the New York fans clap in support of Kalmin.

Guillermo O’Bannon: The drumbeat of the audience here in the Big Apple wills Kalmin back to his feet. Cross grabs Watts’ other arm and release tiger suplexes him!!

The wind goes out of the sails of the crowd. Cross Recoba climbs to the top turnbuckle while some in the audience chant “Asshole!:Asshole!:Asshole!”:

Phil Blauer: Have some couth. There are children here at this…bank. Late at night.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gets some serious air before hitting Kalmin Watts right on the button with that missile dropkick!!

Cross pops right back up with a snap, causing the fans to react with louder taunts and heckling

Phil Blauer: Did you hear that lady?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Everyone heard that lady.
Phil Blauer: Our director is asking us to try and talk over her, as her language has become both descriptive and abusive.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I will try, Cross lifts Watts up into a headlock, then runs into the center of the ring for a bulldog, but Watts tosses him off into the turnbuckles!

The fans erupt! Kalmin Watts pulls Cross up by the hair, and irish whips him into the ropes

Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts catches him coming with a lightning fast powerslam!

The impact bounces Kalmin up to his feet, and he flexes his arms to the roar of the crowd, pumping himself up. He motions for Cross to get up, who motions to Gary Mundt for a time out

Guillermo O’Bannon: A bloody Kalmin Watts presses Cross Recoba over his head!!

The audience erupts as Recoba is military pressed in the air, shaking his head. Watts tosses him over the ropes to the concrete floor with a sickening splat. Recoba lies motionless on the floor while the fans chant “WATTS! WATTS! WATTS!”

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba lying in a heap in front of us, holding his chest and ribs, kicking his toes into the floor in pain.
Phil Blauer: I would help him, but as he is about to see, I am an objective journalist keeping at arm’s length…Unless he doesn’t want me to? Cross? Damn, he can’t hear me. Cross?? Mr. Recoba?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts now out on the floor and pulls a limp Cross Recoba up to his feet. He hooks him in an inverted facelock and then reverse suplexes his abdomen on the guardrail!!

The audience cheers and Cross is perched on the steel railing, his top half in the ringside area, his bottom half in the crowd.

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts uses that big arm to hip toss Recoba back into the ringside area.

Watts goes down in to a three point stance and the fans buzz with anticipation

Phil Blauer: Guys like this never leave the football field in their mind.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts comes in with a tackle but Cross drops to the floor, and Watts hits the ringpost!!

The Central Savings Bank fans let out a collective “OH!!” at the sound of Kalmin’s head hitting the ringpost

Phil Blauer: He is a big dumb animal. Nothing you can do.

Anthony Jordan goes over to attend to him, but Cross Recoba pushes him back. Jordan cocks a fist at him but holds back as Cross pulls Kalmin back up to his feet

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts now a bloody mess. Cross Rolls him back into the ring but hangs his legs off and then pulls him into the cornerpost, groinfirst!

Kalmin Watts sits up, holding his aching testicals. Cross Recoba goes over to the XHF timekeeper Lloyd Gaul and pulls up the empty chair next to him. He folds the chair and walks over to Kalmin Watts in the corner

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba jams that chair into the side of Watts’ knee against that ringpost!!

Kalmin Watts sits up, and clutches at his knee. XHF official Gary Mundt threatens to disqualify Cross Recoba, who drops the chair and puts his hands up in innocence

Phil Blauer: Gary hasn’t seen what we do. But then again, he’d have to be up pretty late to see what we do.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba rolls back into the ring and looks at Kalmin like a wounded animal, looking for his opportunity.

Kalmin gets to his knees, but Cross catches him with a short headscissors that drives his bloody head into the mat

Guillermo O’Bannon: Chicago Overcoat!! Cross grabs that leg and spinning toe holds it, then drops down into a figure four!

The Central Savings Bank rocks with boos as Kalmin sits up from the pain. Anthony Jordan yells words of encouragement from ringside as Watts falls back to the mat, bleeding on the canvas

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba clamps down on Watts’ twisted leg, crushing his knee with his own leg. Gary Mundt checks in as Kalmin tries to hang onto his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.

Watts shakes his head refusing to give up, so Anthony Jordan starts pounding on the mat, trying to get the crowd into it. They start clapping faster and faster, waking Watts up

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts now sitting back up, and begins feeding off this energy from this small but intimate crowd here at the Central Savings Bank in New York City.

Watts starts pumping his fist, and uses the audience’s will to slowly start turning over, taking Cross Recoba with him, no matter how much he fights it

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts trying to reverse the figure, using every ounce of strength in his 260 pound body!
Phil Blauer: If he turns this over, I’m going to require a urine test.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stop asking people for pee, I’m serious…he did it! Watts reversed the figure four leglock!

The audience jumps to their feet and Cross shakes his head, screaming in pain. Anthony Jordan celebrates at ringside. The crimson masked Kalmin presses down on Recoba’s legs as now the referee is asking him if he wants to tap out

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba crawling on his hands and is finally able to hook the bottom rope, so Gary Mundt forces a break.
Phil Blauer: Good ole’ Gary.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Cross up and drops him across his back with a backbreaker. He pulls him back up again, and then drops his stomach on his knee with a gutbuster.

Recoba rolls around on the mat, trying to breathe as the fans chant “WATTS! WATTS! WATTS!” Kalmin scoops him up on his shoulder and walks over to the corner

Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts goes for the running powerslam, but Cross slips off his shoulder into an inverted DDT!

Cross Recoba takes a few minutes to recover as the boos rain down. He pulls Watts up by his bloodsoaked hair, and kicks him in the gut. Recoba pulls him up into a styles clash, but then turns it into a lion tamer

Phil Blauer: Yes!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Garibaldi’s Guillotine!! Cross pulls back on those massive legs, while bending his back.

The boos are deafening. Gary Mundt checks in but Kalmin shakes his head, crying out in agony

Phil Blauer: The two matches have caught up with Kalmin Watts. Really, a failure of management on Tony Bologna’s part.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba has Garibaldi’s Guillotine locked in, seemingly no escape. Recoba cashing in on that knee he and Crane have been wearing down all night.

On the outside, Anthony Jordan gets the crowd clapping as they root on the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion. Blood drips down from Watts’ forehead to the mat below. Suddenly, Kalmin’s body stiffens

Phil Blauer: What’s happening?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know, but Cross is suddenly struggling to balance while holding up Watts. Is…is Kalmin Watts, powering out of Garibaldi’s Guillotine?? He is!

The fans jump up and down, cheering on Kalmin as he extends his legs, finally causing Cross Recoba to lose his balance

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has broke out of Garibaldi’s Guillotine!! He is running on rage and instinct right now! He applies that stomach claw!

Cross runs in place from the pain, and then Kalmin spinebusters him stiffly into the mat. The impact bounces Kalmin back to his feet and he pulls down his straps, getting the crowd even louder. He goes down to a three point stance

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts takes out Cross Recoba with that football tackle! He shoots Recoba into the ropes and hits him hard in the ribs with that Oklahoma Hammer!

Every fan in attendance is standing as Recoba is doubled over, holding his chest

Phil Blauer: Cross had mentioned that maybe Kalmin would be unknown outside of the West Coast and UK and Ireland, but it seems these New Yorkers must have gotten the internet somehow, I can barely hear myself think vain thoughts!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts hops on Cross’ back and applies The Sooner Squeeze!! He’s got it locked in!
Phil Blauer: No! No! Someone turn off the lights and have a big return here! Wrestling Gods, I beg you, turn off the lights!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The lights seem fine as Watts constricts Recoba’s ribs with those legs.
Phil Blauer: But he’s got a bad wheel, how much can he rely on that leg for this homerun swing?

Cross’ fist balls up so he doesn’t tap out while the audience chants “TAP! TAP! TAP!” Recoba’s body gives out and he collapses to the mat

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba now on the mat! Kalmin Watts now with all the leverage with that bodyscissors.

Gary Mundt asks Cross if he wants to tap out, but he doesn’t answer. Instead, he starts punching away at Kalmin’s knee

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross trying to punch his way out of The Sooner Squeeze, but how much gas does he have in the tank?

The punches force Watts to loosen up his body vice, and Cross lunges over and grabs the ropes. Cross covers his face in disappointment, collapsing as the air has been sucked out of The Central Savings Bank

Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men completely spent!

Kalmin Watts walks over and pulls Cross’ head into his legs

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts lifts him up and drills his head into the mat with that piledriver!

He pulls Recoba up into a suplex position, but Cross blocks it with his calf

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba counters with a cradle suplex, that he drops into a fisherman’s buster! He gets on Watts’ back and applies a camel clutch!

The Central Savings Bank crowd boos. Recoba smiles back at them as he locks his hands under Watts’ chin and pulls back.

Guillermo O’Bannon: The referee asking Watts if he wants to tap, but the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion is suddenly on his knees! He gets into a crouching position with Cross still hanging on to that camel clutch. Watts stands up, with Cross on his shoulders!

The audience roars as Cross looks around, looking for a soft landing as Kalmin walks around with him in an electric chair

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts’ knee buckles under the weight and they both fall back to the mat!

Both men lie on the mat, trying to recover. Cross Recoba holds his ribs with one arm, and pulls himself up with the other. Meanwhile, Anthony Jordan is yelling at the bleeding Kalmin to get up, but he seems unable to.

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba pulls him into his legs and then lifts him up into Garibaldi’s Guillotine again!! He pulls back on that inoperable knee of Kalmin Watts!
Phil Blauer: He’s tapping!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba has done it! He has regained the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship!!

The bell rings and “My Name is Human” by Highly Suspect plays. The fans boo as Cross collapses alongside Kalmin Watts

Bonnie Jenkins: The Winner of The Match, And ONCE AGAIN, HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…CROSS RECOBA!!!

Gary Mundt presents Cross with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship belt, which he snatches away

Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba joins Kentaro Korose, Matthew X, “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson, “Lightning” Leon Jones, Adrian Faust, Syberus, Cobryn, Cyrus Williams, James Fierce and Kilroy Evans as the only men in Hardkore World’s 25 year history to win the Heavyweight Championship twice!
Phil Blauer: That’s quite rarified air to breathe with those types, but I would say Cross Recoba is better than all of them. And that’s coming from a man who will work for scale!

Anthony Jordan helps Kalmin Watts limp out of the ring, but the ringside physicians stop them them and attempt to treat him. Inside the ring, Cross Recoba stands on the second turnbuckle holding up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship

Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts gave his all, but wrestling two violent matches like this proved to be too much. He’s very young and probably sees himself as bulletproof, but tonight the odds were stacked too high against him, clearly.
Phil Blauer: Yeah, real sad. Buck up, chum.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not at all helpful. However, Cross Recoba wrestled a perfect match and was able to pick off that leg tonight, not giving up with Garibaldi’s Guillotine didn’t work the first time, and coming away with a piece of history tonight.

Cross slings the belt over his shoulder and gives the jeering fans a bow, and trash starts flying into the ring. At ringside, a blood drenched Kalmin Watts waves off the medical help and limps to the back with his despondent manager at his side, holding the Wrestle: UK World Championship title

Guillermo O’Bannon: These two will meet up in Denver in August at The Ball Arena for a 60 minute Iron Man match, with Cross defending his Hardkore World Championship against the now former champion Kalmin Watts. Until then. thank you fans for giving Hardkore World an opportunity here at XHF Night of Champions. We hope to be a regular part of these global events in the future, and hope that you like enough of what you saw to give us a try.
Phil Blauer: Sure, all you need is a DVR or no job to watch us.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! That’s not true, you can…you can probably have a job.

---

Steve Morrison: Good evening, XHF fans! I’m Steve Morrison and tonight, whilst Cross recovers from the gruelling match we all just witnessed, I’m joined by Maori Legend and Tap Out Road Agent, Va’aiga!
Va'aiga: BOO-YAH! Kia Ora, motherfuckers!
Steve Morrison: I’d like to thank all of our announcing colleagues tonight for some great work and also congratulate the new XHF Tag-Team Champions who’ll be facing off in our Co-Main Event of Tap Out Wrestling 16 against the team of Close and Tuff Collins, the Throw Show!
Va'aiga: That motherfuckin’ match is going to be full of bombs!
Steve Morrison: As will our match! Now, if you haven’t seen DTF last night then allow us to bring you up to speed in the latest development of Poena playing mind-games with our Champion and on his birthday no less.

Bobby Barratt: Now, we know you celebrated your birthday with 'Kota and Ace a few nights ago, but tonight we celebrate as Icons, and what's a birthday without gifts! And brother, do we have some gifts for you!

Jack looks surprised and Jason Long smiles.

Jason Long: As you can see, there is another Icon missing tonight. So, Jackie-boy, please direct your attention to the big screen. I think you'll like this...

The screen lights up and we see a closeup of fellow Icon, James Franklin Karn smiling as neon lights flash behind him. The crowd begins a "J-F-K" chant.

J.F.K.: Jack! First allow me to apologize for not making the trip to Minnesota to celebrate with you gentlemen properly, but if I'm being honest, I really didn't want to take the chance of running into any of the idiots that work for Mongo at HQ, and on the off chance that Mongo was in town ahead of tomorrow night's Night of Champions... I definitely didn't want to see that ass clown!

Jack laughs as Jason Long points at Bobby, mouthing the words: "Don't you work at HQ?".

J.F.K.: However, I wanted to make sure that I could get on here tonight, and give you a birthday present, and I think you are really going to like it!

The camera zooms out and we see that JFK is in a casino, more specifically, Jack's Vegas casino. Behind him, there is a large black curtain draped across the back of the casino floor. Jack looks on skeptically.

J.F.K.: Jack... so I uh... kinda tore up a corner of your casino, it was all penny slots anyways who cares about the poor am I right?

Jack has a worried look on his face, but JFK's smile gets even larger.

J.F.K.: Anyways, let me present you, the all-new Diamond Sportsbook!

The curtain comes down to show off a high-end sports bar with sports betting. Jack claps excitedly as the crowd cheers.

J.F.K.: I hope you have a great birthday, Jack. Now, if you'll excuse me, your boy JFK is about to go put fifty large on this Poirier fight!

JFK turns to walk towards the sportsbook as the screen cuts off.

Bobby Barratt: What a pal, that JFK. He is without a doubt the most iconic Karn brother. Let's move on, Tug?

Tug steps up and grabs a microphone. He pulls a gift out of his pocket, handing it over to Jack.

Tug Stephens: Boss, you've given me more opportunities in these last few years than I could ever have dreamed of when I was back in Alabama. I could never repay you but I hope this gift at least shows my appreciation.

Jack mouths "thank you" as he opens the gift. Everyone leans in, all smiles but the color in Jack's face drains. Tug leans in and he starts looking around.  Jack pulls an eye patch out of the box as Bobby, Jason and Aiden start looking around as well on high alert.

Tug Stephens: That... that's not my gift. What the fu-

Jack Diamond: It's ok. Seriously. It's just someone trying to play mind games. It's not going to work and it's not going to ruin tonight.

Jack tosses the eyepatch down and slaps Tug on the shoulder, reassuring him that it is alright and that he was sure Tug's gift was nice. The other three relax as well as Jason Long steps over, motioning for Aiden Merric to step over.

Jason Long: Alright, Aiden Merric... let's move on to your gift.

Jack turns his attention to his hired guard, Aiden Merric. Merric grabs the microphone from Jason.

Aiden Merric: Uh, I'm not really good at these things but I got you something, Jack.

He reaches in his pants pocket and pulls out a snake-skin wallet.

Aiden Merric: I, uh, made you this with a beauty of a diamondback that I caught and skinned. I figure you need a new new wallet so you can hold that money you are paying me.

Merric gives a big grin as Jack smiles back.

Jack Diamond: That... is actually surprisingly thoughtful of you man. Thanks!

Jason Long steps back in and grabs the microphone back from Aiden as Bobby walks over to the large stand in the corner.

Jason Long: Now, Jackie-boy, it's time for my gift, and it's the best one, if I say so myself.

He gives a big smile as he points to Bobby who whips off the cover from the stand, showing a large photo of he, Jason Long and Jack Diamond early on in their Icon days. Jason Long laughs and motions to the photo as if waiting for Jack to shower him with appreciation. Jack's face shows a look of surprise, as if he just receieved the greatest gift in the world.

Jack Diamond: Thanks Mav! It's the best!

The crowd pops as the pure goofiness that the group is displaying. Bobby, trying not to lose it, quiets the crowd.

Bobby Barratt: Alright, alright, alright. It's time for my gift. Jack, we go way back man. As I said earlier, we were bitter rivals and that rivalry made way for a friendship and bond that would stand the test of time. Through all our ups and downs, you've been a true friend, a true brother....

As Bobby is talking, a large cake is being rolled out to the ring which catches everyone attention. Jack, thinking this is Bobby's gift starts to act surprised again, but he quickly hears something in Bobby's voice that makes him stop smiling.

Bobby Barratt: ...in this indust- what the hell. Mate, that's not my gift... we didn't get a cake.

Before Bobby can say anything else, the cake opens up and Poena's pupil, The Child is standing there smiling and staring a dagger in the Tap Out Openweight Championship, as she lets a finger trace down the scars that she suffered at the hands of Jack, Tug and his security detail. Bobby, Jason and Aiden all step up towards the ropes, ready to fight for Jack if needed. Tug drops back a step, standing beside Jack.  The crowd begins to stir and murmur loudly. As the three men in front have their eyes locked on The Child, there is a commotion behind them. Poena slithers into the ring behind Jack.

Doug Stevens: LOOK OUT!

As Jack and Tug begin to turn, Poena sprays mist!

Josh Jones: AMAZING GRA-
Doug Stevens: WHAT WAS THAT!

In a blur, Jack is knocked out of the way as Tug takes the turquoise mist right into his good eye! Poena turns and is blasted with a superkick!

Doug Stevens: ICONKICK!
Josh Jones: Poena blasted Tug with Amazing Grace. Is that... It's Raiden Ishimori!
Doug Stevens: What the hell?

Bobby, Jason and Aiden turn around and see Jack standing over Poena. They look beside Jack; Raiden Ishimori stands there looking on. He had come from the crowd and pushed Jack out of the way of the mist. The Child scrambles over to that side of the ring and pulls her mentor out of harm's way before the rest of the group can continue any further damage.  Jack, livid, picks up his Tap Out Openweight Championship that he had dropped in the scuffle, and walks towards the ropes as Aiden and Raiden stands beside him. Bobby and Jason check on Tug who is wiping at his eye, blinded by the mist.

Doug Stevens: What a tense situation we have here!
Josh Jones: It is going to be absolutely insane tomorrow night! Poena... Jack Diamond... for the Tap Out Openweight Championship inside a no escape cage! You do not want to miss it! Tune in tomorrow night, live and ONLY on the XHF Network! We are out of time!

Jack holds up the Openweight Championship high in the air as the crowd cheers. Poena looks on, smiling as he rubs his mouth, a trickle of blood painting the corner of the evil grin.

Steve Morrison: Tonight though, there’s no room for tricks as Poena and Jack Diamond step into the cage for the TAP OUT OPENWEIGHT TITLE! It’s the trilogy and will Jack Diamond make it a clean sweep or will Poena finally get what he has desired since all the way back last year? Introducing our fighters, Laura Messier.

Laura Messier: WELCOME XHF FANS! IT’S TIME FOR YOUR CO-MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!!!! The following contest is set for one fall!!

Crowd: ONE FALL!!!!!!!

Laura Messier: Coming to the ring first…

"Stay in your Coma" plays as stills and clips of Jack's failures fill the titantron, including his lies to himself and his family. As the voices get louder and effigies of Tug, Dakota, Austin, and Jack are suddenly lit by spotlights on the stage. Then Poena's voice cuts the voices—the world telling Jack to stay asleep and trapped—down to silence in an instant.

"Jaaaccckk… We are here to save you. Wake Up."

"O'Death" fills the arena as turquoise flames fill the stage, burning the effigies to ash, with Poena walking from the fire moments later with his arms out to his sides, unscathed and reveling in their glory. The camera swings in as Poena’s multicolored eye seems to flare and make the flames slither down the sides of the ramp, allowing The Child and three others to come out and join Poena on the ramp.  The ramp is lined with Tap Out and XHF Crew, wary of the danger of leaving Poena unchecked could bring.

Steve Morrison: No stone unturned in order to keep this match fair!

The Child is holding a “baby” that looks like a bloody version of Jack, wrapped in barbed wire. The other three are each masked. One is a broken bunny, the other is a fierce wolf, and the last is a rabid rat. They walk as one as Poena makes his way down to the ramp. The flickering turquoise flames reveal his twisted Rosary around his neck and the Death card’s image sewn into his ragged finery.  The turquoise flames snap off as Poena and the rest get to ringside, instantly replaced with a turquoise spotlight as Poena looks up at the cage with a near holy reverence, seeing His altar—the place he’d finally convert Jack— The Desert of Broken Glass.

Poena: WAKE UP!

Poena laughs madly as he slides through the door and under the ropes into the ring, kneeling in prayer as the spotlight surrounds him in glory.

Poena: AND BE SAVED!!

The ‘Security’ team form a barrier between Poena and his disciples and the cage door.

Va'aiga: He’s twisted!
Steve Morrison: Understatement of the year!

The lights in the arena go dark. Smoke begins to fill the entrance way as the opening notes of Faling in Reverse's "Watch the World Burn" begins to play.

"Yeah, I've got voices in my head again, Tread carefully.
And I don't medicate, it helps me temporarily.
I got problems, I got issues, yeah apparently
Trauma that I'm burying, I thnk I need some therapy.
I battle depression, I'm back with a message
I'm askin' the question, that if you hate me why you actin' obsessive?
I'm past the point of no return, F*ck being passive aggressive
Ill brandish a weapon, teach all you mother f*ckers a lesson!"

Jack Diamond emerges through the smoke, wearing a dark robe, it's hood over his head. His Tap Out openweight champion sits around his waist, his eyes are locked on the ring, the steel cage, and Poena. He is flanked by his recent entourage, Tug Stephens, Aiden Merric, Jason Long and Bobby Barratt. Jack bounces a bit, feeling the electricity in the crowd. He breaks his gaze away from the ring momentarily to take a look around the Central Savings Bank. He nods in acknowledgement of the crowd who break into "I-CON" chants and chants of "D-T-F".  Jack begins to stroll to the ring, eyes locked on Poena's again, as the latter paces back and forth, smiling.

"Cause I got enemies trying to get rid of me,
Evil tendencies are f*cking with me mentally.
I got people that don't like me in the industry.
I can feel your energy, you are not a friend to me."

Jack gets to the ring as his entourage circles the outside, making sure that he is covered on all sides if need be. He removes the belt and climbs up one of the ring posts, security moving for him to do so. He removes his hood and holds the Tap Out Openweight championship high in the air, never taking his eyes off of Poena.

Steve Morrison: Jack rightfully wary of the challenger and if this explodes, I’d take his entourage over Poena’s disciples…

"I can't control the monster any longer that's inside."

Pyro explodes high above the ring as the crowd cheers loudly. Jack jumps down into the ring, handing the belt over to the referee as his entourage enters the cage. He removes his robe, handing it down to Tug, who snarls at Poena a bit, his eye patch still speckled with turquoise from last night's DTF show. As the drums pick up in the theme song, Jack backs into his corner and continues bouncing, getting the blood pumping.

"WATCH THE WORLD BURN!"

Jack raises up his Diamond high in the sky and leans back into the corner, waiting for the introductions.

Laura Messier: INTRODUCING OUR CHALLENGER FIRST! To my right! From the Ninth Deep...Standing at six-feet even and weighing a hundred-and-ninety pounds...The Sanctified One....POENA!!!!!!

Poena seems trance-like in his gaze across the ring.

Laura Messier: AND THE CHAMPION! Fighting out of Las Vegas, Nevada by way of Cherokee, North Carolina. He made weight at one-hundred-and-ninety-five pounds...THE ACE...OF SPADES!!! JACK.....DIAMOND!!!

Diamond continues to lean in the corner, a firm and stern gaze fixed right back at Poena.

Steve Morrison: Like a bad habit he can’t shift, this is for Austin, Dakota, Tug, and Ace! We’re just moments from this match kicking off and I. CAN’T. WAIT!

TOW Openweight Championship
No Escape Cage Match
Jack Diamond (c) Vs Poena

“Big” John Quinn gives the nod to the Tap Out and XHF ring crew members who keep the two fighters and their entourages apart to take their leave from the ring.

Crowd: TAP OUT RULES! TAP OUT RULES! TAP OUT RULES! TAP OUT RULES! TAP OUT RULES! TAP OUT RULES! TAP OUT RULES! TAP OUT RULES! TAP OUT RULES!

First, the disciples of Poena’s church, led by The Child, depart seemingly without a word or a glance back towards the ring. They’re ushered to the aisle-side of the ring-floor as the crew form a guard on the adjacent side of the cage.

Steve Morrison: It remains to be seen whether or not this match might have a chorus to accompany it on the outside.
Va'aiga: Be some big hitting on the outside. Motherfuckin’ boom if that thing goes off on the outside!

With one area secure, Merric, Long, Tug and Barratt are led out of the ring with no complaints, only Merric reaching out to test the chickenwire that makes up the cage as he goes through the door. They’re shown to the opposite side of the cage, their escorts forming a barrier on the last remaining side of the cage to keep the two sides penned in.

Steve Morrison: The tension here is at fever pitch. Both entourages look calm for now but who knows what could set off a powder-keg on the outside.

Quinn raises the Tap Out Openweight title above his head and shows it to the arena.

Crowd: LET’S GO DIAMOND! ICONS RULE! LET’S GO DIAMOND! ICONS RULE! LET’S GO DIAMOND! ICONS RULE! LET’S GO DIAMOND! ICONS RULE! LET’S GO DIAMOND! ICONS RULE!

Quinn passes the title through the door to the XHF Timekeeper.

Va'aiga: This match though, almost goes past the title.
Steve Morrison: If you’ve seen the same discussion boards I have, the prevailing thought is that keeping the title is a bonus for Jack Diamond if he can exact revenge and it’s in Poena’s backseat after trying to bring him into the twisted church he keeps.

The cameras zoom in on the door being chained shut by one of the XHF crew members, two of their colleagues stress-test it and seem pleased at the lack of give or strain on the lock.

Steve Morrison: Remember fans, this is a ‘No Escape’ match. No disqualifications, no count-outs and the only ways to win are inside that cage, not out of it!

Standing inside the ring, “Big” John looks to both corners before beckoning Poena to join him in the center of the ring. The Disciple of Devastation slinks towards Quinn with deliberate slowness as if soaking in the atmosphere and the crowd’s almost unanimous support against him. Quinn turns to face Poena and reaches his arm back, beckoning the Champion from his corner.

Va'aiga: Ask my Iwi, no time for being motherfucking nice before a match like this!

Diamond steps towards the center of the ring, each of his steps measured as if he suspects Poena might suddenly rush him.

Steve Morrison: Diamond can’t afford to second-guess himself tonight. He knows the threat, we know the threat but it can’t dictate his game plan.

With both men in place, Quinn goes over the rules of the match and points several times to each party’s allies on the outside to warn of the ramifications of their involvement. Poena seems not to register a word, his eyes almost trance-like in their fixation on his opponent.  For the Champion, the formality is one he’d prefer to avoid as he cracks his neck and makes sure to put Quinn between himself and the Challenger, wary of being caught before the bell officially sounds.

Steve Morrison: Still, Jack’s taking nothing for granted even before the bell.

Satisfied, Quinn sends both men back to their corners but Poena lingers.

Poena: Come serve at His high table and take your place on my side…

Diamond snaps his head back at the words with a look of sheer hatred towards the Terror from the Ninth Deep but keeps it in check, even if the likelihood is that that’s a temporary measure at best.  “Big” John calls for the bell!!

DING! DING! DING!

Steve Morrison: AND WE ARE GO!

The Central Savings Bank crowd reach a fever pitch that drowns out the last bell before it sounded out. Diamond sprints from his corner and immediately connects with a forearm driven into the temple of his opponent. He immediately grabs the hair of the Dark Messiah and brings his forearm again into the skull of Poena with force!

Steve Morrison: Straight out the gate and Diamond’s throwing strikes for Tug, Ace, Dakota and Austin from the outset!

A driven knee to the ribs doubles his opponent over and Jack measures him with a European Uppercut that collides with Poena’s chin and sends him into the corner.

Va'aiga: Motherfucker threatens your family, you put that motherfucker down!

Keeping up the furious pace, Diamond introduces a boot to the ribs of the Priest of Pain and pairs it with alternating rights and lefts that pepper the midsection of Poena.

Steve Morrison: I’d ask whether this is part of a larger strategy but it seems the Champion is just swinging and hitting what he hits!

Poena’s expression seems almost content and at peace, slumped in the corner.

Va'aiga: He’s not right, not in any sense.

Taking steps back into the ring, Diamond turns and charges in with a HUGE running back elbow that finds its mark on the side of Poena’s head.

Steve Morrison: Diamond has EXPLODED out the blocks since this match began and he’s holding nothing back. He looks like he wants this over and done with because no-one has the oxygen tank to keep this up if the match goes long!

Grabbing the head of his opponent, Jack throws him from the corner with a modified snap-mare….A HUGE PUNT KICK CONNECTS WITH POENA’S SPINE AND THE SOUND ALMOST ECHOES THROUGH THE CENTRAL SAVINGS BANK!

Va'aiga: LOUDER THAN A MAORI WAR CRY!

Again the camera crew catches sight of Poena’s face and captures what looks to be a smirk.

Steve Morrison: Poena’s showing no sign of emotion...almost trance-like.

Diamond once more uses the hair of Poena to wrench him from the mat. Poena rakes the eyes of Jack!

Steve Morrison: Poena finally enters the match.

Pouncing on the opening, POENA BITES THE FOREHEAD OF JACK AND DRIVES HIM UP AGAINST THE CAGE!

Va'aiga: Like a rabid Kea Bird, that motherfucker’s sunk his teeth in deep!

The Angel of Chaos pushes a forearm up against his opponent’s throat.

Poena: Let Him enter your soul! Embrace him!

The words barely have time to echo inside the skull of the Ace of Spades before Poena lands a sickening headbutt that buckles the knee of Jack.

Steve Morrison: That sound’s enough to make your stomach turn…

POENA USES THE WAISTBAND OF DIAMOND’S TRUNKS TO SEND HIM BETWEEN THE ROPES INTO THE CHICKEN WIRE CAGE!

Steve Morrison: He’s the first to use the cage as a weapon!
Va'aiga: Gotta show your desire in this game!

The Deliverer of His Word drives a pointed elbow into the spine of Jack and then grinds his face against the mesh!

Steve Morrison: Poena leaving no inch of the ring or cage unturned!

Out of necessity, Diamond throws a mule kick that hits Poena where no man should be kicked!!

Va'aiga: Boo-yah! That’ll break any man from a trance!

Jack spins around and throws another kick to the ribs before grabbing a headlock…the Icon takes Poena down to the mat and immediately throws short closed-fist punches!

Steve Morrison: Quinn has to let them slide…

Instinctively, Quinn steps towards the fracas to break it up but stops himself. Poena uses Diamond’s hair to roll him over into a pin…

ON-

DIAMOND PIVOTS BACK TO THE HEADLOCK!

Poena pushes the hold to a standing position but Jack refuses to relinquish it just yet as he looks to drive his fist through the skull of Poena with a punch….Diamond throws Poena head-first into the cage!!

Steve Morrison: Jack’s one of the best technicians in the game but tonight he’s fighting like it’s a Casino Floor Brawl!

Diamond drives a forearm into Poena’s lumbar!

Va'aiga: Stone cold shot!

Lifting up the Challenger with an Atomic Drop lift, DIAMOND RAMS THE KNEE OF POENA INTO THE CAGE!!

Steve Morrison: Perhaps a glimpse into the long-term plan for the match as Diamond’s been known to target the knee for the Aces Wild Figure-Four Leglock.

Keeping hold of the leg as he drops Poena to the mat, Jack unleashes a flurry of short kicks to the hamstring of the Dark Savior!

Va'aiga: Diamond’s straight out goin’ Murdertanga!

Switching it up, Jack drives a knee into the same spot and still holds onto the leg. He spins around it…

Steve Morrison: Could he be going for Aces Wild so early or just softening up the leg?

POENA THROWS HIS TRAILING LEG INTO THE CHEST OF DIAMOND, SHOVING HIM BACK!

Steve Morrison: Neither! Poena kicks him away!

Soaring to his feet, the Ninth Deep Nightmare bursts forward with a rising knee that strikes the chin of Jack.

Va'aiga: BOO-YAH!

Poena grabs the head of Diamond and uses the top rope to choke him out!

Steve Morrison: Poena’s draining the air out of him!

Diamond’s face, obscured through the chickenwire, is rapidly losing color!

Poena: PRAISE HIM!

Relinquishing the chokehold, Poena drops Diamond to the mat and instead starts to untie the turnbuckle cover.

Steve Morrison: I don’t like this. We saw this the first-time these two faced off and it ended up with a Drop-Down Shoulderbreaker from the top that left lasting damage to Diamond after their match!

Diamond gets to his feet, the rope burn visible on his neck.  Poena rabbit punches Jack in the throat BEFORE THROWING HIM INTO THE EXPOSED STEEL SHOULDER-FIRST!!

Steve Morrison: He targets the shoulder once more!!!!

Merric can be seen wincing as the replay takes place on the big screen.

Va'aiga: That steel has NO GIVE!

Poena uses the impacted shoulder to bring Jack out from the corner like a shark smelling blood in the water. He steps under into an arm-wringer before raises an arm and driving an elbow into the shoulder socket of the Tap Out Openweight Champion.

Steve Morrison: Poena doesn’t beat opponents, he breaks them.

The Challenger laughs as he raises his arm again and once more drills a sharp elbow strike into the joint that drops Diamond to his knees. The cameraman at ringside provides horrifying framing as Poena stands over the kneeling Champion with a twisted look of love.

Va'aiga: How can anyone get behind someone like that!?!

HUGE KICK TO THE ARM OF DIAMOND!

Steve Morrison: Each of those kicks takes away the effectiveness of the Stacked Deck, suplexes, throws and even punches.

Diamond’s body snaps back in pain but it’s short-lived before the attack carries on, Poena grabs the limb of Jack and hoists him up…short-arm shoulder block!  And another!  He goes for a third one…DIAMOND LANDS AN ELBOW TO BREAK FREE!

Steve Morrison: The Champion lands a vicious elbow!!

Two quick middle kicks buy Jack some room, he dashes in…POENA LIFTS HIM UP AND DROPS HIM DOWN WITH A SIT-OUT SHINBREAKER!

Va'aiga: He cut him off!

Back to the arm! The Terror of the Ninth Deep folds it back on itself, pressing it against the mat….HE DRIVES A BOOT THROUGH IT!!!

Steve Morrison: Huge boot that hit its target at full bore!

Jack holds his arm as he rolls on the mat.

Va'aiga: Nowhere to go inside that cage!

Stalking behind the Champion, Poena grabs a waistlock….SNAP GERMAN SUPLEX!!!

Steve Morrison: Crisp execution from the Dark Savior.

Jack tries to get up instantly and starts from a crawling position but Poena treats the Champion like a cat does a mouse and kicks out the arm he’s lasered in on from under the Icon.

Va'aiga: He’s tauntin’ him!

Raising his hand up to get back to his feet, Jack’s powerless to stop Poena from grabbing him by the fingers, bending them back to gain control of the limb….KNEELING ARMBAR!!

Steve Morrison: You knew it’d be a matter of time before Poena went to what seems to be an endless list of ways to torture the limbs of his opponents!

“Big” John’s in a great position to watch the hold unfold. Poena plants his weight onto the shoulder of the Champion as the crowd noise begins to rise.

Crowd: DON’T TAP, JACK! DON’T TAP, JACK! DON’T TAP, JACK! DON’T TAP, JACK! DON’T TAP, JACK!

Using his ‘good’ arm, Diamond pushes off it…HE GRABS A SCHOOLBOY!

ONE…

POENA ROLLS OUT AND LOOKS TO TWIST HIS LEGS BACK AROUND THE SHOULDER OF THE CHAMPION BUT DIAMOND RAINS HAMMERFISTS DOWN TO FREE HIMSELF!!

Steve Morrison: That ring experience of Jack’s saved the day there! Great vision to see the pin and then switching gears as soon as he saw the tide turning!

Having time to readjust his game plan, Jack circles Poena as he rises and lands a kick to the chest that echoes around the Central Savings Bank.

Va'aiga: Both these guys showing their Dan Carterness!

No sooner has his leg touched back down than it’s flung forward again, landing in the same place as its predecessor. Using the opening in Poena’s defense, Diamond quickly hooks a front-facelock and lifts him up for a suplex….DIAMOND THROWS POENA INTO THE CHICKEN-WIRE CAGE WALL!

Steve Morrison: Payback from the Champion!

The Messiah of Mayhem finds himself perilously draped over the top rope….DIAMOND DRIVES HIM INTO THE MAT WITH A DRAGON SCREW NECK WHIP!

Steve Morrison: What execution!

The Tap Out Champion rolls to his feet and sees Poena rise, Chop Block!

Steve Morrison: Can he get a rhythm going…

A STANDING ENZUIGURI KEEPS POENA FROM GETTING BACK UP!

Steve Morrison: Aiming his boot through the skull of the challenger!

The Icon leans back into the turnbuckle as he gets to his feet. Poena sits up…Rolling Neck Snap!  Diamond hits the ropes…a Basement dropkick takes Poena down to the mat!!!

Steve Morrison: This quicker pace suits the Champion far more than his opponent.

The confident smile that has sponsored countless Diamond wins returns as he reaches down to lift up Poena. THE SANCTIFIED ONE CLAWS AT THE CHAMPION’S FACE!!

Va'aiga: Now we know what that eye-patch was about last night!!

Wrenching his face from Poena’s grip, Diamond ducks down with his hands covering his features. POENA THROWS A KNEE THAT BREAKS THROUGH THE GUARD!

Steve Morrison: Snapping his head right back!

Once more using the trunks of the Champion, Poena pulls him between his legs and lifts…he runs…

Va'aiga: OH FU-

CRUCIFIX POWERBOMB TOSS INTO THE CAGE!!!!

Steve Morrison: BORDER TOSS INTO THE UNFORGIVING CHICKENWIRE CAGE!!!

The cameras quickly juxtapose the grinning face of the Poena fan from earlier with that of the concerned faces of Long, Barratt, Stephs and Merric as they look at the crumbled body of Jack Diamond.  Poena covers…

ONE…

The Challenger looks serene.

TWO…

The sole Poena fan in the front row leans over the rail…

T-

DIAMOND RAISES AN ARM!

Crowd: DTF! DTF DTF! DTF! DTF! DTF! DTF DTF! DTF! DTF! DTF! DTF DTF! DTF! DTF! DTF! DTF DTF! DTF! DTF! DTF! DTF DTF! DTF! DTF!

Steve Morrison: Diamond survives but c-

POENA USES THE RAISED ARM TO PIVOT DIAMOND…FUJIWARA ARMBAR!!!

Va'aiga: What a motherfuckin’ transition!

The move immediately silences the Central Savings Bank!

Poena: COME TO HIM! REPENT AND BASK IN HIS LIGHT!

The last word is stretched out as Poena works the hold.

Steve Morrison: Jack knows he cannot afford to take a breather as this hold’s applied. Every millisecond counts in lowering the likelihood of an escape.

“Big” John asks Diamond if he wants to quit but his request is met with a vehement shake of the head.

Va'aiga: Stubbornness, toughness, love it!

Poena leans back against the torso of the Champion and plants his boots firm against the mat, arching his body up to increase the angle and with it, the hold.

Crowd: DON’T TAP OUT! DON’T TAP OUT! DON’T TAP OUT! DON’T TAP OUT! DON’T TAP OUT!

Once more, Diamond digs deep and works through the pain.

Steve Morrison: He’s working towards something h-

ONCE AGAIN, DIAMOND ROLLS POENA INTO A PIN!

ONE…

T-

KICKOUT FROM POENA!

Steve Morrison: Diamond reminding the challenger that he can and will pin you from anywhere!

Going for the kill, Poena goes to grab Diamond…JACK LIFTS HIM UP AND HOTSHOTS HIM INTO THE UNFORGIVING CHICKEN-WIRE!!!

Steve Morrison: FACE-FIRST INTO THE CAGE!!!!

Barratt can be seen riling up the crowd on the outside and a chant breaks out:

Crowd: LET’S GO, JACK! LET’S GO, JACK! LET’S GO, JACK! LET’S GO, JACK! LET’S GO, JACK!

Poena extricates himself and turns around…THE CHAMPION NAILS HIM WITH AN EXPLODER SUPLEX!!

Va'aiga: Noughties Japan!

Diamond charges in….SHOTGUN DROPKICK!!!!

Steve Morrison: EIGHTY-SIXED!!!

Diamond rolls backwards and leans against the ropes before dashing in…SLINGBLADE!!!

Steve Morrison: SNAKE EYES!!!

Diamond makes the cover…

ONE…

TWO….

POENA KICKS OUT!

Va'aiga: HOOK A MOTHERFUCKIN’ LEG!

Amidst a sea of crestfallen faces, Poena’s lone fan in the front row grins like a Cheshire Cat.

Steve Morrison: He’s even got the t-shirt! We don’t sell Poena tees!
Va'aiga: Never met a motherfuckin’ weirdo who wasn’t dedicated…

Undeterred, the Tap Out Openweight Champion rolls to his feet and works his angles out.

Steve Morrison: Jack has to clear his head, put away the vengeance and use his wrestling brain now…

He grabs the arm of Poena….SHORT-ARM URANAGE BACKBREAKER…..HAYMAKER!!!

Steve Morrison: TRAP TRICK! BORROWED FROM MERRIC!!!

Pushing the prone body of Poena off his knee, Jack hones in on the legs of the Challenger. He lifts up one and drops a leg on it.

Steve Morrison: He’s going to take the legs. No Anathema if Poena can’t power the lift from his legs!

Keeping a firm grip on the leg of the Sanctified one, Jack drops a knee to drive the limb into the mat.

Steve Morrison: HE SMASHES THAT KNEE TO THE CANVAS!

Still keeping the leg trapped, Diamond spins around it. He does it once, working the ankle as he does so.

Steve Morrison: Is it the Figure-Four….

A second rotation as he continues to try and level the damage on both sides.

Va'aiga: AMARILLO SPECIAL, BOO-YAH!
Steve Morrison: Thank you, Va’aiga. Spinning Toe Hold for those of you left confused…

Jack spins again…POENA KICKS HIM OFF AND ROLLS TO HIS FEET….JACK CATCHES HIM RISING WITH A EUROPEAN UPPERCUT THAT SETS HIM OFF-BALANCE…DIAMOND WHIPS POENA INTO THE EXPOSED BUCKLE CHEST FIRST!!

Steve Morrison: He uses that steel against Poena!!

Diamond lifts Poena to the top turnbuckle. The cameras show that the tattered finery that Poena wears for attire is close to being shredded.

Steve Morrison: We’ve all seen what’s under those rags and if you haven’t, count your blessings tonight before bed!

Jack holds his arm, feeling how much the lift took out of him as he climbs up…..

Va'aiga: Has Poena done the damage already?
Steve Morrison: We think he wanted the Stacked Deck but can he get it…

He wraps his strong arm around the waist of Poena…

Steve Morrison: I think I know what’s coming…

AVALANCHE ONE-ARMED GERMAN SUPLEX FROM THE TOP ROPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Va'aiga: E TOKO ATUA!!!!!!!!
Steve Morrison: OH MY GOD! We saw it the last time these two met but this time Jack raises the game, literally, and hits it off the top!!!!

Crowd: HOLY SHIT! THAT WAS AWESOME! HOLY SHIT! THAT WAS AWESOME!

The cameras pan around the front row as the crowd goes wild. A fan pushes a sign in front of the cameras.

"ALWAYS BET ON THE STACKED DECK!"

Both men lay in the center of the ring on their backs. Quinn checks that both are conscious and sees enough to be satisfied to not intervene.

Steve Morrison: Seemingly conscious enough to continue but both men felt that move!

Diamond crawls over to Poena and hooks a leg as he pins.

ONE….

TWO…

TH-

POENA KICKS OUT!

Va'aiga: He used his motherfuckin’ fucked arm to hook the leg!
Steve Morrison: That could be the difference tonight!

Jack looks to keep the pressure on as he grabs the head of Poena and lifts a knee into the chin as he pushes the Challenger up, staggering Poena backwards.

Steve Morrison: Huge hit!

Diamond once more grabs the head of his opponent with a firm grip. HE THROWS A FOREARM INTO THE SKULL OF POENA!

Va'aiga: Smashin’ that head like a pumpkin!

AND ANOTHER!

Steve Morrison: No give in any of those shots!

Poena’s legs waver but his facial expressions are almost rictus.

Va'aiga: WEIRDTANGA!
Steve Morrison: Facing Poena isn’t so much a battle as it is psychological warfare. We’ve seen it with NOMAD, Gordon, Strychnine and Random but NO-ONE knows what that is more than Jack Diamond!

Releasing his hold, Diamond throws two quick leg kicks.

Steve Morrison: Using the kick to establish range?

Working up, Diamond fires off a mid-kick…it’s caught!!!

Va'aiga: Too easy to read…

Poena ducks the Enzuiguri! Capture Backbreaker!!! The Champion’s thrown to the mat. THE CHALLENGER CONNECTS WITH A ROUND KICK TO THE SHOULDER!

Steve Morrison: BACK TO THAT SHOULDER!!

Grabbing the arm of Diamond and pulls him up but only for a moment as The Dark Savior stretches out the arm before violently flipping forward in a modified Dragon Screw Arm Whip!

Steve Morrison: We saw him use that on Gordon way back last year!

Diamond looks shocked from the move and he shoots up from the mat out of instinct…POENA LEVELS HIM WITH A REVERSE RANA!

Va'aiga: MOTHERFUCKIN’ PLANTED HIM!

Stepping up a gear, Poena charges in and CONNECTS WITH A DROPKICK TO THE SIDE OF DIAMOND’S HEAD!

Steve Morrison: Poena chaining together moves now seemingly at will…

Jack staggers to his feet, a shoulder drooping just noticeably lower than the other. RUNNING FLYING LARIAT TAKES HIM DOWN!

Steve Morrison: PERSONAL JESUS!
Va'aiga: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOO

Looking briefly at the Child, Poena peels Diamond from the canvas and IRISH WHIPS HIM INTO THE EXPOSED TURNBUCKLE!!

Steve Morrison: IF he retains, and that is an if right now, Diamond might not be able to compete at our next show. If that’s a scheduled shot? He’ll forfeit even in victory!
Va'aiga: That is the motherfuckin’ worst way to lose a title.

Jack writhes in pain in the corner, his arm clutching at his shoulder.

Steve Morrison: The damage done, can Diamond fight around it or through it tonight?

Poena fires off a hard right hand and follows it up with a left hook that lands in the kidney area of Diamond’s torso.

Steve Morrison: Not quite the liver blow of the Eleventh Hour but the wind knocked clean out of Jack!

Using both hands to grab Diamond’s head, Poena kisses him on the forehead BEFORE CRACKING HIS OWN SKULL AGAINST IT! The legs of Diamond buckle from the blow but Poena keeps him on his feet.

Poena: For his warmth is glorious for those who bask in it!

The Challenger follows up with an uppercut that seats Diamond on the middle turnbuckle. Poena backs into the center of the ring and charges…JACK GETS A BOOT UP!!

Crowd: LET’S GO, JACK! LET’S GO, JACK! LET’S GO, JACK! LET’S GO, JACK! LET’S GO, JACK!

Racing from the corner, the Icon unloads with a flurry of forearms that connect with the skull of his opponent, each one setting them back a step. Diamond throws a European Uppercut but no-one’s home! He spins and ducks a wild hook from the Bad Shepherd and catches a follow-up, twisting the arm into a standing arm-bar.

Steve Morrison: What will he do here?

Using a finger to his lips, he shushes the crowd.

*SNAP*

The crowd remain silent, almost unsure of what they just saw.

Steve Morrison: HE SNAPPED POENA’S FINGERS!!!!!! FINALLY, A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE!

The stillness in the air is broken - POENA LAUGHS!

Va'aiga: THAT CAT IS NOT MOTHERFUCKIN’ RIGHT!

Reaching to his fingers with his free arm, THE SANCTIFIED ONE RESETS HIS OWN FINGERS IN A GROTESQUE MANNER!

Steve Morrison: I think I just saw someone throw up and I’m not going to lie, I’m close.

In haste, Diamond throws a kick to the chest of Poena…and another.

Va'aiga: Diamond’s doing the right thing, motherfucker’s fighting on and ignoring him!

He whips the Challenger to him…DDT!

Steve Morrison: SNAP DDT!

Scooping Poena up before the Challenger can react, he gets a side-waistlock…Saito Suplex!

Steve Morrison: This feels like it’s leading to something…

Seemingly renewed by his momentum, Jack leaps to the top turnbuckle.

Crowd: HE’S AN ICON! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* HE’S AN ICON! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*HE’S AN ICON! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*HE’S AN ICON! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*HE’S AN ICON! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*

Seeing his target rise, Jack leaps…SPINNING HEEL KICK!!

Steve Morrison: HE GOT ALL OF THAT!

For a moment it looks like Diamond is going to cover him but he decides against it and instead throws Poena back into the corner. He steps back….ICON KICK!!!

Va'aiga: BOO-YAH!!!!!!

Slumped into the corner, Poena can only watch as Diamond scales the turnbuckle….COUP DE GR CE!!!!!

Steve Morrison: JACKPOT!!!!!!!

Diamond drags his opponent from the corner and covers…

ONE….

TWO….

THRE-

POENA THROWS UP A SHOULDER!!!!!!

Steve Morrison: HOW?!?!

What sounds like a gasp resounds from the Central Savings Bank crowd.

Va'aiga: Every motherfucker here’s asking the same thing!

On the outside, Team Diamond bang on the cage to rally Jack.

Steve Morrison: They’re keeping both theirs and Diamond’s spirits up.

The Icon picks up Poena but the Challenger leaps as he rises, INVERTED STOMP ARMBREAKER!!

Steve Morrison: He slams that shoulder right into the soles of his boots!

Poena follows up with an ARM-TRAPPED BACKSTABBER!

Va'aiga: OOF! MOTHERFUCKER GOT HIM COLD!

Looking for a way to reverse the tide, Diamond pushes up on his good arm to his feet but Poena grabs him with a front-facelock and lifts…RELEASE SUPLEX!

Steve Morrison: This looks a set-up…

Poena immediately slithers forward and throws a HUGE PUNT KICK TO THE SHOULDER OF THE KNEELING CHAMPION!!!!

Steve Morrison: DID YOU HEAR THAT CONNECTION!?! Each move seems like it’s only one stop away from more trauma to Jack’s arm and shoulder!

Showing no let-up, Poena hooks a Hammerlock as he brings Diamond to his feet….SPIKE DDT!!!

Va'aiga: Hooked the arm on that DDT!

Reaching down, The Master of Digital Manipulation drags up Diamond by the hair. The Champion throws an arm forward to grab Poena but he only gets the remains of Poena’s top which rips away in his arm AND REVEALS A HORRIFIC MAP OF WELTS UPONS BURNS UPON SCAR TISSUE!

Va'aiga: WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK IS THAT?

A quick pan across the crowd shows the revulsion etched upon their faces at the sight of Poena’s penance for his God.

Steve Morrison: That is the price Poena has paid to serve whatever he is calling his God…

Hooking the arm, Poena folds in the knee as he lifts…

Steve Morrison: Is Poena going for Anathema? Could we see a new champion?

DIAMOND THROWS HIS FREE KNEE INTO THE SKULL OF POENA! ANOTHER KNEE CONNECTS TO RELEASE HIM!

Va'aiga: HE ROCKED HIM!!!

DIAMOND SPRINTS AND LEAPS OFF THE TURNBUCKLE, HE TAKES A STEP ON THE CAGE AND LEAPS……CUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crowd: THAT WAS AWESOME! HOLY SHIT! THAT WAS AWESOME! HOLY SHIT! THAT WAS AWESOME! HOLY SHIT! THAT WAS AWESOME! HOLY SHIT! THAT WAS AWESOME! HOLY SHIT!

Va'aiga: E TOKO ATUA!
Steve Morrison: CAGE-RUN STACKED DECK!!!!!!

With a tired push, Diamond makes the cover, a confident smile on his face as he lays back.

ONE…
Crowd: ONE!

TWO….
Crowd: TWO!

THRE-
Crowd: THREE!!

POENA ROLLS A SHOULDER OFF THE MAT!

Lone Poena Fan: OUR DARK SAVIOR RULES!

Steve Morrison: Somehow he kicked out!
Va'aiga: A stronger pin and this motherfucker was cooked! He was DONE!

Diamond lifts his head from the torso of Poena looking shell-shocked. On the outside, neither Stephens, Barratt, Long or Merric can believe it either.

Steve Morrison: No-one can believe it!

Rolling to his feet, Diamond hooks a front-facelock to bring Poena to his feet…SNAP SUPLEX!

Steve Morrison: Crisp snap suplex…

Jack holds on and rolls…SNAP SUPLEX!!

Steve Morrison: Holding on…

Again, Jack rolls…SNAP SUP-NO!!! POENA BLOCKS IT WITH HIS FOOT AND BREAKS HIS ARM FREE…HE RAKES THE EYE AND GRABS DIAMOND’S ARM….KIMURA!!!!

Va'aiga: POENA CAUGHT HIM COLD!!!

Wrapping his legs around the waist of the Champion, Poena tweaks the hold to be more acute with each degree bringing Diamond closer to the mat.

Steve Morrison: Jack finds himself in huge danger here…

“Big” John is mere inches away from Jack’s face, asking him if he wants to submit. The Icon shakes his head in defiance.

Va'aiga: He’s too motherfuckin’ stubborn to tap and I’d be the same!

Both of Poena’s arms now wrench at the limb of the Champion, each flex of the hold turning the volume down on the night’s crowd.

Steve Morrison: Poena working those angles as he moves the hold to find that sweet spot.

Long starts to bang on the cage once more to get the crowd behind the Champion.

Va'aiga: Mav’s losing his motherfuckin’ mind!

Jack starts to push up with his arm, getting his feet out from under him in the process. Poena tries to adapt to the hold but DIAMOND DOUBLES-DOWN WITH A GUTTURAL ROAR AND RUNS THE DARK SAVIOR INTO THE CAGE TO RELEASE THE HOLD!!!

Steve Morrison: Diamond hangs on but he needs something huge to follow!

As Poena drops from the cage, Diamond staggers backwards into the ropes and reaches into his trunks…

Va'aiga: MOTHERFUCKER!

DIAMOND RUSHES IN WITH AN OVERHAND PUNCH TO THE HEAD OF THE SANCTIFIED ONE!

Steve Morrison: BRASS KNUCKLES! NO GUESSES WHICH AUSTRALIAN GAVE THOSE TO HIM!!

POENA’S BUSTED OPEN!!!!!

Va'aiga: Poena with the Crimson Mask!!!

UNRELENTING, DIAMOND USES THE CUT FOR A TARGET AND UNLEASHES A TORRENT OF BLOWS TO THE FOREHEAD!

Steve Morrison: Now it’s Jack who smells blood!

Using the top rope, JACK TIES UP POENA IN THE ROPES!!!

Va'aiga: Tie him the fuck up!

THE CHAMPION SPRINTS OFF THE ROPES….V-TRIGGER KNEE!!!

Steve Morrison: KINGSLAYER KNEE!! NO DOUBT PICKED UP FROM TEAMING WITH JASON LONG FOR SO MANY YEARS!!!

Poena’s head lolls forward while Diamond unties him and lifts him up in a slam…HE DROPS HIM FACE-FIRST INTO THE TURNBUCKLE!!

Steve Morrison: Huge impact!

With an almighty amount of effort, Diamond lifts Poena to the top and inhales deeply.

Crowd: HIT THE STACKED DECK! *CLAP* CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* HIT THE STACKED DECK! *CLAP* CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* HIT THE STACKED DECK! *CLAP* CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*

Jack tests his arm before starting to climb.

Steve Morrison: Could we be seeing the Stacked Deck??

CRADLE DDT FROM THE TOP ROPE!!!!!!!!!

Va'aiga: MOTHERFUCKIN’ CHRIST!

Diamond somehow rolls backwards to an unsteady base.

Steve Morrison: He DOESN’T go for the pin!

HE GRABS THE LEGS AND SPINS….

Va'aiga: He’s going another way…

FIGURE-FOUR LEGLOCK!!!

Steve Morrison: ACES WILD!!!!! CENTER OF THE RING!!!!

The Central Savings Bank crowd are on their feet as the volume reaches a deafening level.

Steve Morrison: The fans can smell a Diamond victory!

DIAMOND RAISES A LEG BRIEFLY BEFORE SLAMMING IT DOWN ON THE ANKLE OF POENA!!!

Va'aiga: MOTHERFUCKIN’ BREAK THAT BONE!

“Big” John asks the Sanctified One if he wants to tap but Poena shakes his head and stares through the Head Match Official of Tap Out Wrestling. Poena’s eye appears to glow where it didn’t before, the blood from his cut seeping into it.

Steve Morrison: DID YOU SEE THAT?

Looking to raise the elevation, Diamond leans back and extends his arms to bridge the hold but his damaged limb doesn’t allow it.

Steve Morrison: Poena’s eye has changed color, gotten brighter, something as Diamond tries to increase the pressure.

Keeping one hand to form the bridge, Diamond pushes up to increase the angle as best he can.

Va'aiga: He can’t do a full bridge, that arm is FUCKED!

Quinn is almost imploring the Challenger to give up as he talks to him.

Steve Morrison: Poena isn’t one to submit and he’s not going to start tonight it seems!!

Poena raises his head, the glowing eye still present, as he tries to hang on for an opening.

Va'aiga: He’s spotted somethin’!

DIAMOND PUSHES UP BUT POENA USES IT TO BREAK THE BRIDGE AND WITH IT, THE HOLD!!!

Steve Morrison: The hold ends…

The crowd noise dampens instantly.

Steve Morrison: and with it the crowd’s mood.

Both men rush to their feet but it’s Poena who lands the first blow with another headbutt. RABBIT PUNCH!!!

Steve Morrison: Dirty boxing from the Sanctified One!

Seemingly possessed, the Challenger grabs Diamond by the face and appears to dig his fingers into the eyes of the Ace of Spades as he brings him to the ropes…HE RAKES THE CHAMPION’S EYES ACROSS THE CHICKEN WIRE!!!

Steve Morrison: Poena fighting like a man possessed, the intensity somehow up a notch!

DIAMOND’S BUSTED OPEN!!!

Va'aiga: DIAMOND TURNS TO RUBY!

POENA RAMS THE HEAD OF DIAMOND INTO THE EXPOSED METAL OF THE TURNBUCKLE!!!

Steve Morrison: BRUTALITY!

THE CHALLENGER LIFTS UP DIAMOND…MODIFIED BRAINBUSTER ONTO THE EXPOSED STEEL!!!!!!!

Va'aiga: MOTHERFUCKIN’ FATALITY!

The Champion tries to keep moving, the threat of a loss bearing down on him. POENA TRAPS AN ARM WITH HIS FOOT.

Steve Morrison: He’s out to end his career….

STOMPING ARM BREAKER!!!

Steve Morrison: Diamond’s arm snapped back!

DIAMOND SHOOTS UP FROM THE MAT IN AGONY….SPIKE RANA DRIVER!!!!

Va'aiga: MOTHERFUCKIN’ PLANTED HIM!!

POENA ROLLS THROUGH INTO A CROSS ARMBAR!!!

Steve Morrison: BACK TO THE ARM!!!

The Child is shown to smile sweetly outside the cage, the disciples impassive in expression even with Poena in the ascendancy.

Va'aiga: They are motherfuckin’ weirdtanga!

Jack’s legs kick out as the hold is locked in.

Steve Morrison: Poena not breaking the hold even with those kicks…

Quinn asks Jack if he wants to submit but the Tap Out Champion shakes his head in defiance.

God Mode Poena: GIVE IN TO ME!

Diamond manages to roll to his feet but the hold is still in place. He throws a hammerfist but Poena holds on.

God Mode Poena: WORSHIP ME!

Using all of his strength, DIAMOND STEPS THROUGH WITH A STOMP TO BREAK THE HOLD!

Va'aiga: MOTHERFUCKIN’ ED NORTON STYLE!

The Champion staggers back, clutching his shoulder. HE CAN’T BLOCK THE RUSHING KNEE TO THE MIDSECTION!!!

Steve Morrison: Huge knee!

POENA LIFTS HIM UP AND GOES TO FOLD THE KNEE, DIAMOND GOES DOWN THE BACK!!!

Steve Morrison: HE ESCAPES ANATHEMA A THIRD TIME!!!

JACK LEAPS FOR THE CUTTER!

Va'aiga: STACKED DECK!!!!!

IT’S REVERSED INTO A SNAP BACK SUPLEX!!!

Steve Morrison: NO! POENA PLANTED HIM!!!!

THE CHALLENGER RUSHES IN AND SWINGS HIS BOOT……PENALTY KICK MISSES AS DIAMOND SWEEPS THE TRAILING LEG AND HOLDS ON. HE SPINS AROUND IT…

Steve Morrison: ACES WILD!!!

POENA LEANS FORWARD AND RAKES THE EYE BEFORE THE FIGURE-FOUR CAN BE APPLIED! THE SANCTIFIED ONE RUSHES IN WITH A BASEMENT DROPKICK….

Steve Morrison: What can he be going for…

Leaning back into the turnbuckle, Poena charges and leaps…CURB STOMP TO THE SHOULDER!!!!

Va'aiga: Motherfucker got motherfuckin’ air!!!

Poena throws Diamond to his feet almost, LIVER PUNCH COLLAPSES DIAMOND INTO THE CORNER!

Steve Morrison: ELEVENTH HOUR FOLDS THE CHAMPION UP!!

With unnerving calmness, Poena approaches Diamond.

Steve Morrison: Where can this match go?

JACK RAKES THE EYES BEFORE RETURNING TO FAVORING WHERE THE LIVER PUNCH LANDED.

Va'aiga: Diamond’s like a motherfuckin’ wounded animal and he knows it!

DIAMOND LURCHES FORWARD WITH AN ICON KICK….POENA DUCKS IT AND GRABS THE HAND OF THE DAMAGED ARM…

*SNAP*

Steve Morrison: HE MIGHT JUST HAVE BROKEN THE FINGERS OF THE CHAMPION!!!

Diamond drops to the mat and that’s all that Poena needs…HYPERNORMALIZATION OMOPLATA!!

Steve Morrison: PENANCE! HE’S GOT IT IN!!!!!!!

Poena’s leg traps one arm whilst an arm pulls back the devastated limb of Diamond to an ungodly angle.

Va'aiga: HOW HAS JACK NOT TAPPED INSTANTLY???

Quinn asks if Diamond wants to tap but he weakly shakes his head.

Steve Morrison: Diamond’s hanging in there, we’ve seen him escape every submission attempt so far, can he go for one more?

The Omoplata continues to be worked deeper.

God ModePoena: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! GIVE IN, JACK! YOUR SUBMISSION TO YOUR TRUE GOD IS INEVITABLE!
POENA KEEPS THE HOLD TIGHT AND THROWS HIS HEAD FORWARD INTO THE DELTOID THAT HAS BEEN WORKED OVER SO MUCH IN THE MATCH AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN!!!

Quinn asks if he wants to submit….

Va'aiga: If he continues he might not have a career to look forward to….

POENA CONTINUES TO PULL BACK AS HIS HEAD VIOLENTLY LURCHES FORWARD WITH PRECISION HEADBUTTS TO THE SHOULDER AND UPPER ARM!!!!

Steve Morrison: HEADBUTTS TO THAT DAMAGED SHOULDER!!!!!!!!!

“BIG” JOHN GETS NO RESPONSE FROM DIAMOND!!! HE CALLS FOR THE BELL!!!!!!!!

DING! DING! DING!

Va'aiga: E TOKO ATUA! E TOKO ATUA! E toko atua…
Steve Morrison: I can’t quite believe it. I know it happened but POENA JUST BEAT DIAMOND FOR THE TITLE!

The Central Savings Bank seems to be in shock save for the lone Poena fan in the front-row who leaps around in joy at his hero becoming the victor. Every other fan in the vicinity looks at him like a plague to be avoided.

Steve Morrison: Fans, you might have this if you’re watching with friends but save for one person, the entire arena seems to be stupefied….

The Tap Out and XHF crew are quick to realign and make sure that neither side mixes as they undo the door and pass the Tap Out Openweight Title to Quinn.

Laura Messier: The winner of this match….AND THE NEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW TAP OUT OPENWEIGHT CHAMPION, THE TERROR FROM THE NINTH DEEP…..POENA!!!

As Quinn raises his arm, the glow of Poena’s eye remains. The newly crowned Champion quickly shakes off the arm of the match official. On the outside, Diamond’s entourage is going apeshit as they try and break-through to get to their fallen friend.

Steve Morrison: They want him out of there but he’s not moved, he passed out instead of tapping out.
Va'aiga: Motherfucker needs out of there NOW!

The glowing eye seems to burn brighter as Poena raises his hand over Jack Diamond and grabs the Icon by the throat…MERRIC AND LONG BREAK THE HOLD!!! BARRATT PULLS DIAMOND TO HIS FEET AND RUSHES HIM OUT OF THE CAGE!

Steve Morrison: What did Poena do?
Va'aiga: The match is over but the motherfuckin’ war rumbles on!

MERRIC AND LONG BACK AWAY FROM POENA, THEIR EYES NEVER LEAVING THE NEW CHAMPION AS THEY EXIT THE CAGE AND HEAD DOWN THE RAMP.

Steve Morrison: What does this mean for the future of Jack Diamond? What does this mean for the future of Tap Out?

[Mongo the Destroyer]

Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is your MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!

The crowd erupts. It's been a long night full of bangers but naturally the XHF has saved its biggest banger for last!

Bonnie Jenkins: THIS... is a THRONE OF GOLD match! The objective of this match is simple - up on the stage there is a golden throne. Hanging above me and the ring is a golden crown. To win the X*Crown, someone must first retrieve the crown, make their way up to the stage, put on the throne and sit on the throne. Once one of these wrestlers is sitting on the throne AND wearing the crown, the match is over and that wrestler walks out the X*Crown Champion! With that, let the entrances begin!

The bank's lights dim as the synth bassline of Dua Lipa's “Physical” hits, the foggy neon on the screen becoming the main source of light. The tension in the song starts to pick up, and upon reaching the climax, the first verse begins and the bank lights flash briefly before returning to a dim glow, now with the same neon colors as the screen. The fans cheer when Sam Sawyer walks out. As they cross the floor they slap some of their hands, barely looking at them, then climb the steps and enter the ring. They wait, a look of stoic determination on their face.

Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first, from Houston, Texas! They stand at FIVE-FEET-SIX-INCHES TALL, and weighed in tonight at ONE-HUNDRED-AND-SIXTY-POUNDS. They represent TAPOUT, they are SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

Hawke: Sam has had the roughest few weeks. Just moments after a career defining win at Overheated their mother was murdered in cold blood.
Randy: Out of respect for the memory of Sam's mom I'm not going to make any comments, other than we at XHF express our sincerest thoughts and prayers to the Sawyer family.

BEEEEEEEEEEEF!

Rings out over the P.A. System followed by the sounds of “ATliens” by OutKast. As the song breaks in BEEF jumps out from behind the curtain landing with a thud that rings out throughout the arena. The big man poses for the crowd to rounds of “BEEEEEEF” before beginning his decent down the ramp. He doesn’t interact with the fans, but gives them a smile until he reaches the ring. Once there he shows off his athleticism by leaping up into the ring apron. He surveys the ring before stepping through the ropes and posing for the crowd one more time in the center of the ring.

Bonnie Jenkins: Up next, representing D-T-F! No Tom, I'm not D-T-F you. In fact, eff you. Anyway, he stands at SIX-FEET-TWO-INCHES TALL, and weighed in tonight at THREE-HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY-POUNDS, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!

Randy: BEEF is a wrestling prodigy. He made his debut almost six years ago but in the last season and a half of GUNS he has shown tremendous expertise around that ring.
Hawke: But even he admits he can be better, which is why he is taking names and kicking ass in the Diamond Training Facility! Run by one of the best X*Crown Champions in recent memory!

All the lights in the arena die out and the fans in attendance start chanting his name.

Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!

Dramatic Pause.

"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"

The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.

"Lonely nights, and a whole lot of wasted time!

If you see her wont you tell her for me-

It's better this way to avoid all the misery"

The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.

Bonnie Jenkins: Up next, he represents Hardkore World. He stands at SIX-FEET-TWO-INCHES TALL, and weighed in tonight at TWO-HUNDRED-AND-THIRTY-EIGHT-POUNDS, he is "THE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE," STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE AWWWWWWWWWWWWWESOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!

Hawke: Steve is perhaps the most seasoned wrestler in this match. Having danced these fabled rings since the original XHF, he looks to join an elite club tonight of 3-time X*Crown Champions. Though you have to wonder if his Hardcore Championship match earlier tonight took enough of a toll on him to spoil his chances of victory.
Randy: He doesn't care, he's about to join a club exclusive to the Super Frenemies! Steve is ready to hit that ring and FINISH THE STORY!

"WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT?"

Audience (clap back): Fox. To. Lose.

"WHAT DOES EVERYBODY NEED?"

Audience (clap back): Fox. To. Lose!

"WHO IS GONNA DO IT?"

Audience (clap back): Steve. Awesome.

"...THAT DUDE IS A DOUCHE!"

Audience (clap back): Yes. We. know.

Everyone's favourite gator pushes through entrance curtains as "Gimme Some Lovin" by the Spencer Davis Group pumps on the PA system.

Florida Man: What about me?

Audience (clap back): Your. Cocaine. Has. Too. Much. Baby. Laxative.

Florida Man: I thought we were past that?

Audience (clap back): It. Is. Still. In. Our. Systems.

Florida Man: Really? That's a quality product!

Audience (clap back): Go. To. Hell.

Florida Man: Having to wrestle Sawyer. I'm already there!

Bonnie Jenkins (realizing this crowd interaction will go on all night if she doesn't interject): Please give a round of applause for J-RoK's representative, Florida Man!

The crowd pop hard for the J-RoK star that spends more time in GUNS, WUK, HKW, CAR, and Dinosaur Bones than his homefed. Despite murdering his entire entourage, the deranged drug dealer is the closest thing this match has to a face. Be better XHF.

Hawke: Eighteen months ago Florida Man did the unthinkable. He ended a monumental reign in the XHF history books. That reign? Bloodied Fox's Junior Heavyweight Championship run.
Randy (downing a pint): So what?
Hawke: Despite many calling his win a fluke, Florida Man's inconsistent style has stolen the hearts of many fans and TONIGHT! It might steal another one of Fox's coveted titles.

The house lights cut. The XHFtron lights up to show David Geffen Hall in Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts, wherein the New York Philharmonic Orchestra are ready to perform. With a wave of the conductor’s baton, they launch into Ennio Morricone’s The Ecstasy of Gold. As the orchestral rendition of the spaghetti western classic plays, a golden spotlight shines upon the stage into which slowly rises the ornate golden throne that the victor will have to sit upon bearing the crown currently hanging above the ring to win the match. Sitting on it currently, however, is the defending X*Crown champion. A hooded robe on over his ring gear, Bloodied Fox seems unmoved as the crowd boos him ferociously. As The Ecstasy of Gold hits its first crescendo, the orchestra stops. For a moment all that can be heard is the boos. Then…

"You have chosen The Lament Configuration..."

As the orchestrally enhanced version of Sleep Token’s Vore plays, Fox rises from the throne and walks calmly towards the ring. He shows no fear or hesitation at the four opponents waiting for him or the crowd’s hostility. Calmly, he removes the robe and tosses it aside before rolling into the ring. He then removes his X*Crown title belt from around his waist and lays it on the ground before him, as though drawing a line in the sand.

Bonnie Jenkins: AND FINALLY, HE IS THE REEEEEEEEEEIGNING, DEFEEEEEENDING, XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION! FROM READING, BERKSHIRE, ENGLAND! HE STANDS AT FIVE-FEET-NINE-INCHES TALL, AND WEIGHED IN THIS EVENING AT ONE-HUNDRED-AND-NINETY-SIX-POUNDS. REPRESENTING GUNS, HE IS "SCAR VULPINE," "THE ANTI-VILLAIN," BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIED FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!

Hawke: The champion is here and he looks more than ready to defend tonight!
Randy: Some very stiff competition in the ring tonight but he is more than confident in his chances to defend!

XHF X*Crown Championship
Throne of Gold Match
Bloodied Fox (c) (GUNS) Vs BEEF (DTF) Vs Steve Awesome (HKW) Vs Florida Man (J-ROK) Vs Sam Sawyer (TOW)

DING DING! DING DING!

The five competitors are all looking around at one another, waiting for someone to make the first move. Steve Awesome steps to the middle of the ring and starts directing traffic, barking orders at everyone. He points at Fox and Sawyer first.

Steve Awesome: You two! Go fight amongst yourselves!

He then points at BEEF and Flodown.

Steve Awesome: And you two! You scare me. Get some weapons and kill each other or something.

He then points to himself.

Steve Awesome: While you all do that, I'm going to go get that crown and sit on the throne. Sound good?

Everyone looks amongst themselves and they all swarm and start beating up Steve! Quickly pounding the two-time X*Crown Champion to a pulp in the middle of the ring! Stomping a mudhole in him and walking it dry! Sam Sawyer picks Steve up and Irish whipping him into the ropes, nailing him with a FIRE WITH FIRE! LARRRRRRRRRRIATOOOOOOOOO! Steve slaps his thigh and does a double flip! Turned inside out! Fox picks Steve up and caves his skull in with an MDK! SKULL KICK TO THE... SKULL... OF STEVE! Beef kneels on Steve and begins laying heavy elbows into the face of the Face of the Franchise! TENDERIZED BEEF! He rolls off of him and Florida Man comes off the top with a LEAP OF FAITH! The crowd caws as Flodown nails an Assassins Creed-style jump on Steve!

Randy: Wow, these guys really uh... really don't like Steve.
Hawke: Well when you try to play the Ring General and you're less respected than GUNTHER you don't exactly get to enjoy your time in that ring.

Satisfied with the mugging they just committed on Steve so early in the match, the boys and Sam quickly turn on one another. Sam and Fox are quick to begin trading strikes in the ring. Sam tries to intimidate Fox with their cold stare that worked so well in FIRESIDE but Fox laughs in their face. He drives an elbow into Sam's face and she stumbles between Flodown and BEEF! BEEF and Florida Man are trading bombs in ways only then can! And while BEEF is tenderizing the Man Florida wishes it could Forget, Jeff Conine is busy shoving a golden banana down his gullet. The shaft of the banana in his mouth he tosses the golden peel into the middle of the ring where definitely no one will forget about it, least of all the road agent for this match. BEEF backs Flo into a corner and he chops the fuck out of the King Gator! Flodown spits golden banana all over BEEF's face, which just angers the beast and causes him to lariat him in the corner!

Fox is in hunting mode, stalking Sam as they lay recovering on the ground from a lethal kick! He picks up the former FIRESIDE Wildfire Champion and gets a thumb to his eye! He screams as Sam drives an elbow back into the champ's head! He cries out and Sam delivers a gut kick before a high knee topples the current X*Crown Champion! Sam runs the ropes and goes for a senton! They nail it and it knocks the wind out of Fox! He's in pain, gasping for air and reaching out for Sam. Sam just kicks him in the face! There's a crack and blood trickles from Fox's nose! He screams and lunges out, knocking Sam off their feet with a stiff kick across the knees! Sam collapses and Fox mounts for a Thesz press but Sam wraps both hands around his head and drives their heads together! CRACK! Fox screams and falls back!

Hawke: Sam showing a cold, ruthless side not seen since their FIRESIDE days!
Randy: And frankly Fox deserves it! All the times he's been a dick for the last seven months he deserves a few hard knocks!
Hawke: Now now, Fox is just misunderstood Randy. He's had a rough time since everyone abandoned him and frankly he deserves better than the crap sandwiches we've been feeding him!
Randy: All due respect, shut up Joey.

While Fox and Sam are having their tussle, BEEF just steamrolled into the corner! He tried to splash Florida Man but the boy from Florida jumped out of the way and BEEF ate the post! FLM backs up and slips on that banana peel from earlier! He stumbles around and grabs onto BEEF, pulling him down and nailing a cradle DDT on the DTF representative! BEEF goes face first on the mat and Flo dances a little jig to commemorate his big win! Despite the fact he didn't win shit... yet... Florida Man does a Snoop Dogg run to the ropes and jumps on BEEF with a big splash! It's not very effective. BEEF is already pushing to his feet. So Flodown reaches into his pocket, which yes has access to Hammer Space, and pulls out a golden Walmart mobility scooter! He rides that into the ropes... it rolls through the ropes and he topples out of the ring at the feet of the commentators!

Randy: As a fellow J-RoKer I am legally obligated to be biased towards Florida Man. So GO FLODOWN! NUMBAH ONE! IF YOU CAN'T DO IT, NO ONE CAN!
Hawke: Sometimes I wonder if horny King would have been better than drunk Randy...

Just then Hawke catches something out of the corner of his eye.

Hawke: Wait, look over there! What's Steve up to?

While everyone is distracted with the action in the ring, Steve has come too and pulled a golden ladder from under the ring. He pushes it into the ring and stands up, only to eat the ladder as someone (it's unclear who we just see quick boots and the camera follows Steve after this) dropkicks the ladder into Steve's face! He topples into the apron and holds his face! This angers the Face of the Franchs and he charges the ring! It's Steve-o time! He sees Sam being whipped towards him. THIGH SLAP! SUPERKICK! He turns to BEEF, who is holding Flodown in a military press position! THIGH SLAP! SUPERKICK! Fox turns Steve around. EYE POKE! FOX'S OTHER EYE IS POKED AND HE'S BLINDED FROM... A THIGH SLAP! A DELAYED SUPERKICK AS FOX GOT HIS HANDS UP IMMEDIATELY! This just leaves Florida Man who is slowly coming to. Steve tunes the band in a corner, stamping and watching before... THIGH SLAP! SUPERKICK TO END ALL SUPERKICKS! Steve is standing in the wake of Superkick City, bitch! Steve sets the ladder up in the middle of the ring and begins his ascent! Steve climbs to the top rung and reaches for the crown!

Hawke: This is about to be the quickest Throne of Whatever match ever. Steve's fingers are just grazing the crown!
Randy: I can't believe he's about to... STEVE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Steve has turned around to see everyone piling up like zombies at the base of the ladder. He turns and... AWESOME SAULT!

Hawke: STEVE JUST HAD THE MATCH WON AND HE... and he threw it away to be a showoff.
Randy: Lol. Classic Steve.

Steve is holding his back and pulls himself to his feet, noticing everyone is laid out on the ground. Everyone but Florida Man. Florida Man has picked up the ladder and folded it up, he rams it into Steve's face! Steve falls down and Florida Man turns around into a C-C-C-C-C-COMBO FROM SAM! PUNCHES AND KICKS TO KNOCK THE LADDER OUT OF HIS HANDS! FIRE BY FIRE LARIAT! FLORIDA MAN IS DOWN! Sam turns grabs the ladder, sets it up in the middle of the ring all business-like. Before they can start the ascent Steve knocks them out of the way! He looks around wildly and begins the climb ten, fifteen feet in the air. He is just fingertips away from the crown. The key to the first half of the match. Steve goes to take another step, BUT SAM SAWYER IS ABLE TO GRAB HIS FEET AND HOLD HIM TIGHTLY! He tries to kick the Texas native but they've got a latch onto both legs. This gives BEEF the opportunity to grab the other side of the ladder and tip it backwards! The ladder falls onto Sam, knocking them out of the match for a bit but Steve gets it worse. He crotches himself on the top ropes and flops out of the ring. BEEF flexes for the crowd and doesn't notice a vile vulpine spring-boarding over the top rope behind him. Fox nails BEEF with a springboard Famouser!

Just as quickly as Steve took everyone out, everyone has now taken each other out! Fox stands alone, face dripping with blood. A literal Bloodied Fox. He grabs the ladder and Florida Man tries to stop him when a flash of white goes across the ring!

Hawke: THAT'S KING SUBMAXISWEAR!
Randy: And you know when this nutjob's here his friends aren't far behind!

Sure enough marching out on the stage and sitting in the golden throne is SEIRIOS. Keeping the seat warm for Fox! Submaxiswear is putting boots to the J-RoK representative and Fox is getting an assist. He stamps on Jeff Conine where he can while trying not to over-exert himself. SEIRIOS just sits on the throne, arms crossed and staring intensely at the ring. King Submaxiswear whips Flodown into the ropes and Fox delivers a high knee to the face of the challenger! Submaxiswear turns his attention to BEEF and kicks him straight where the babies get made! Steve Awesome style! BEEF's eyes roll back and he collapses! Fox is getting the ladder ready for the long climb when there's a crack at the top of the stage! The golden throne is stained with blood, SEIRIOS' blood, and shoving his head into the throne is the NEW Visual Kei Champion, BRENDAN HARDING!

MEGA MOTHERFUCKING POP!

The new locker room leader for J-RoK charges down to the ring with a golden steel chair in hand! Harding rolls under the ropes and ducks under a clothesline from KS and dropkicks the ladder, sending it toppling across the ring. Fox jumped off the ladder and lands on his feet, but Brendan is hitting the ropes and bashes King Submaxiswear with his chair! He damn near folds the chair across the spine of KS! Fox and Brendan are standing alone in the ring. You can cut the tension with a dull knife. Fox is staring at his husband, Brendan staring back. They turn and stand about two feet from each other. Brendan drops the chair at his feet.

Randy: ...
Hawke: ...
Randy: ... *BURP*
Hawke: Really?

Fox leans forward and points to his cheek, begging Brendan to take a swing. Begging Brendan to betray him like the rest of the world has done so. He even holds his arms behind his back so as to not retaliate. A cheek rolls down Brendan's face as he shakes his head, mouthing a few choice words to Fox. This just enrages Fox who berates Harding for not being man enough to take a shot, saying this is just as vile a movement as hitting him. Brendan shakes his head and turns to leave the ring. Fox grabs his arm and Brendan swings, decking Fox with a lethal right hook! Fox crumbles to the ground and Brendan stands over him, tears streaming down his face. He wipes them and turns back to King Submaxiswear, kicking him out of the ring before rolling out himself. He grabs KS by the scruff of the neck and drags him up to SEIRIOS, who's just come to at the top of the ramp and gets speared by his affiliate! Harding drags them both out of the equation and we're left again with five people in the ring!

Hawke: Who's gonna stand up first?
Randy: Writer's discretion I guess.

Sam Sawyer is the first one to their feet. Everyone else is still reeling and recovering. They set up the ladder and make the climb up it. Reaching up into the stars. SAM GRABS THE CROWN! They're trying to unhook it and accidentally drops it to the ground below. Where everyone else is sitting up and staring at it.

Hawke: COLLISION INCOMING!
Randy: Sam's about to get mauled.

All four of the people not on the ladder leap for the crown. All with a hand on it, all tugging it back-and-forth. SAM COMES FLYING OFF THE TOP OF THE LADDER AND SPLASHES ON EVERYONE BELOW! EVERYONE'S TAKEN OUT AND SAM TAKES THE CROWN! They roll out but BEEF, who got the least of that splash, is on the hunt. Sam's limping up the ramp and BEEF grabs them from behind, German suplexing them Perc Angle style! Sam lands on their feet and elbows BEEF. BEEF laughs and begs for more. Sam begins to lay into BEEF with stiff strikes, really putting the hurt on the DTF star. BEEF stumbles back and Sam dropkicks them into the golden barricades! They step back and SPEAR! NO! SAM JUST DROVE THEMSELF HEADFIRST INTO THE BARRICADE AND THEIR EYES ARE GLOSSED OVER, THEY'RE OUT!

Hawke: Oof! Nasty impact from Sam!
Randy: Honestly the scariest weapon-related incidents are with common things like the ring or the barricade.

And just when BEEF thinks he has the match won, a golden Walmart mobility scooter decides to park itself right on him! The handicapped driver? Your friendly neighborhood Florida Man! Flodown laughs until he notices the golden crown on the ground and his wide eyes expand to the size of dinner plates! He reaches down and grabs it, unsure how much he could sell this for. The crowd starts chanting "PUT IT ON / SIT ON THE THRONE!" and Florida Man realizes he has the key to SKY Force's hearts in the palm of his hand!

Hawke: OH NO! FLORIDA MAN HAS THE CROWN!
Randy: FLODOWN IS ABOUT TO STEAL ANOTHER GLOBAL BELT FROM FOX!

Florida Man stands at the top of the stage, cackling. He puts the crown on his oversized Gorn mask. He is one Hayley Grimes-sized Crash Bootycoot from being the newest person in a star-studded lineage of certified Hall of Famers. Just has to drop that absolute dumptruck of an ass on a chair and that's it. Bell rings, confetti and cheers, pomp and circumstance, hell he might even take his mask off for shits and giggles. Let a people get a glimpse at the Jeff Conine underneath that mask. Can you guys tell I'm stretching this out? Something's about to happen. Someone's about to run out and cost Florida Man the match. Sorry Flodown. Hey where's those commentators who are supposed to break the news?

Randy: WAIT! WHO'S THAT MASKED DUO RUNNING OUT?
Hawke: WHY LET ME BREAK THE NEWS. THAT'S ESMUR RUNNING OUT, WITH GEBIN BEHIND HIM!

Sure enough, the SCCW Double Down Champions The Nihilists are stalking Florida Man! Or rather, Esmur is stalking and Gebin is trying to pull Esmur back! Pleading with him to take the moral high road! But Esmur pulls out a (golden, we're sticking with the gimmick folks) flamethrower!

Hawke: Remember folks, Florida Man punched his ticket to Night of Champions by beating Esmur!
Randy: And now Esmur is about to punch Florida Man because he didn't get a ticket for Night of Champions!

Florida Man hears the commotion behind him and turns around, jumping as he sees Esmur about to torch his ass! He ducks as Esmur lets the torch rip! Gebin rips it back and aims it in the sky! As the Double Down Champions argue, the lights flicker. FLORIDA MAN DOES SOMETHING! MURPHY'S LAW! ESMUR'S OUT LIKE A LIGHT! Gebin stands in shock as Flo asks if he wants a slice of that! Gebin shakes his head and drags Esmur to the back. Florida Man smirks and sits on the throne!

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Why isn't the bell ringing? He sat on the throne, he has the crown-

THE CROWN! WHERE'S THE CROWN?!

Florida Man scrambles off of the throne to find the crown, it fell off his head when he jumped in fright at Esmur! He's frantically searching and doesn't notice Sam Sawyer has picked it up, Sam is scrambling to get up to the throne! They are mere feet from the throne when Steve superkicks them from behind! The crown goes flying and Fox catches it, he makes a mad dash for the throne but he's fucking BODIED, pounced like Adam Cole by Keith Lee by the BEEF machine. BEEF has the crown in hand and drops his shoulder, knocking Steve, Sam and Florida Man out of his way. BEEF feels a tugging on his leg and the dead weight of FOX is weighing him down! He tries to stomp on the champion but Fox rolls through, BLOODY REIGN! SUPERMAN PALM STRIKE! BEEF GOES DOWN AND FOX GRABS THE CROWN! HE LEAPFROGS OVER FLORIDA MAN! HE SLIDES UNDER STEVE! HE SIDE STEPS SAM SAWYER! FOX SITS ON THE THRONE AND PUTS ON THE CROWN! FOX WINS!

DING DING! DING DING!

Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND STIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLL XHF X*CROOOOOOOOOOOOWN CHAMPION...BLOODIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED FOX!

"Vore" slams on the speakers and Fox cackles! His evil plan complete, he rests in the throne, enjoying the moment as the crowd boos vehemently!

Hawke: Fox is still champion! He outlasted the dastardly Florida Man, the seasoned Steve, the rookie BEEF, and the silent Sam!
Randy: Very few betted on Fox retaining and he just shut up all his haters!
Hawke: Unfortunately, it looks like he has a budding war with his husband to look forward to. But tonight, he can relish and look forward to day 92 as X*Crown Champion tomorrow morning.

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Credits:
Mongo did not do everything no matter what he says...

Graphics: Maverick

XHF Hardcore Championship: JJ

GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship: Scorps

W:UK World Championship: Donzig

XHF Phoenix Championship: Mosler

CAR Silicone Cup: H2F

SCCW World Championship: Raiden

DTF Championship: Jack Diamond

XHF Tag Team Championships: Raiden

JROK Visual Kei Championship Unification: JJ/Scorps

DB Hotdog Eating Championship: Mosler

XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship: DT

Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship: Jonnie Valentine

TOW Openweight Championship: Cross

XHF X*Crown Championship: Dylan