Roll the dice [FML WAR GAMES]
Aug 3, 2023 13:43:24 GMT -5
Kira Izumi, Cross Recoba, and 2 more like this
Post by flo on Aug 3, 2023 13:43:24 GMT -5
We slowly fade into a desolate wasteland...
"War Games..."
What a bleak setting... hopefully the Dark Stars can do something to change this horrible future.
"War Games never changes."
Oh wait, it's just present day New York. The deep pseudo-Fallout intro voice belongs to Gaz, Florida Man's legal counsel - who just happens to be a partially clothed dwarf who has been painted green. Gas turns from the gutters towards a kindergarten playground, where Florida Man is entertaining the toddlers with a shell game.
Florida Man:
EASY MONEY! Step right up, step right up, easy money! MONEY SO EASY you'd swear you had Magnificent Marty BY GOD Donovan, Killer Kalman Watts, Keen Kono, and Noble Niko as teammates - because the WIN is GUARANTEED!
The small children crowd around a small table.
Florida Man (holding up a stone like it was a pokeball):
All you have to do is FIND THE MARBLE!
Your child swindling Floridian drops the marble into a Dixie cup, then flips it over onto the table. Pulling out two more cups, Florida Man starts to move them around on the table - gambling that he hasn't huffed enough glue to throw off his slight of hand.
Florida Man:
Keep your eyes on the marble. Which cup is it under - is it over here? Or there? All you have to do is guess which one. As simple as that. Which will it be? Place your bets - place your bets! This dapper young man in the Paw Patrol shirt - step right up! Find the marble, as easy as that - which cup is it under... over here... over there... which will it be?
The two-year-old lifts the right cup.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
What a loser.
Gazoo collects the children's bets, while they cry.
Florida Man:
You're learning the game, learning the game - keep your bets coming! My luck can't hold up! Who will step up this time? Can't win if you don't play! Double or nothing, double or nothing! ...I WIN AGAIN.
The waterworks are really coming now.
Florida Man (aside):
How are we doing?
Gazoo:
18 hotwheels, 5 bottle caps, 1 Barbie head, 6 hard candies, 27 pieces of twine, 41 tidilywinks, quite a bit of lint, 4 strands of twine -red, the shoe piece from a monopoly game, and a dollar twenty five.
Florida Man (seeing dollar signs):
Pounds?
Gazoo:
...once again, we are in America.
Florida Man (rubbing his claws together like a master criminal):
Is that enough to throw a swanky victory party for Epcot Mafia's WUK tag title win?
Gazoo:
...it is not.
Florida Man (dollar signs fade):
...dang.
Gazoo (pointing at toddlers):
These deadbeats just aren't the cash cows your celebrations require.
This is depressing. One of the children is already calling RUN-DMC to explain that she's been tricked out of her gold chain. Before the rap group can hunt our protagonist down with a rendition of "It's Tricky" - a lightbulb goes off over FML's head.
Florida Man:
GAZ! I recently met some fools with more success than common sense-
Gazoo:
Just the kind of pathetic marks we need to fund the bouncy castle your party requires!
Florida Man:
TO THE FLORIDA MOBILE!
A Wally Gator face flies into the screen, then flies out for a '66 Batman transition.
Outside a swank hotel.
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
Florida Man sits on top of Ultimate Warrior - the former WWF champion turned little girls' bike. The crazed Floridian has fixed three beer bottles to his fingers - thumb, index and middle - which he clatters together.
Florida Man:
HIGH ROLLERSSSSSSSSSSSS... COME OUT AND PPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAY!
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
Florida Man:
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH ROOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLEEEEEERSSSSSSS... COOOOME OOOOOUT AAAAAND PPPPPPLLLLLAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
Florida Man:
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSS
COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNDDDDDDD PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
If this actually is the High Rollers hotel, they aren't getting any sleep. Florida Man has been known to commit to these Warriors film parodies for HOURS. An uncomfortable doorman approaches the gang.
Doorman:
Sir, the police have been called. We all like that movie, but really, you've made your point- I think it's best that you leave.
Florida Man:
Point? I'm just inviting the High Rollers to a little shell game. I was under the impression they liked to gamble, and I'm here to give them some pretty nice odds.
Doorman:
I don't know what you're talking about, but the police will be here soon.
Ultimate Warrior:
*SNARL*
Intimidated by the bicycle, the doorman returns to his post.
Florida Man (sigh):
...looks like we ain't gonna get that ice sculpture of us running a train on the Glucks after all. I thought the High Rollers would rise to the challenge, but it seems like they only take safe bets. (turning to camera) Wesley Crane... me and my boi, Marty, we already beat ALL of your henchmen in the tournament. Perhaps it's that servant mindset that kept them from being winners? Now, I'm not saying you're holding them down, Crane - that's my job... but this War Games? This is the Glucks, Rage and Cage... their chance to get back in the tag title fight. Only... WHICH ONE IS IT GOING TO BE? You want Watts. That is straight forwards, but your flunkies? They might have the same goal... proving themselves better than THE CHAMPS... but they ain't on the same page. We beat THEM BOTH in the tournament... far as I'm concerned, Dark Stars are far more worthy contenders because we haven't tried our luck against them yet. I'm looking forwards to seeing the Dark Stars in action - kicking the Rage and Cage's asses. So seeing if your four merry men put their own interests aside long enough to prop you up? Well Crane... THAT is a real gamble.
...But you probably would have had better luck with my shell game.
Burn. As red lights flicker in the distance, our noise complaint throws his bottles to the street. Pulling back on the muscular arms that double as handlebars, Florida Man starts driving off on his Warrior.
"...War Games never changes."
"War Games..."
What a bleak setting... hopefully the Dark Stars can do something to change this horrible future.
"War Games never changes."
Oh wait, it's just present day New York. The deep pseudo-Fallout intro voice belongs to Gaz, Florida Man's legal counsel - who just happens to be a partially clothed dwarf who has been painted green. Gas turns from the gutters towards a kindergarten playground, where Florida Man is entertaining the toddlers with a shell game.
Florida Man:
EASY MONEY! Step right up, step right up, easy money! MONEY SO EASY you'd swear you had Magnificent Marty BY GOD Donovan, Killer Kalman Watts, Keen Kono, and Noble Niko as teammates - because the WIN is GUARANTEED!
The small children crowd around a small table.
Florida Man (holding up a stone like it was a pokeball):
All you have to do is FIND THE MARBLE!
Your child swindling Floridian drops the marble into a Dixie cup, then flips it over onto the table. Pulling out two more cups, Florida Man starts to move them around on the table - gambling that he hasn't huffed enough glue to throw off his slight of hand.
Florida Man:
Keep your eyes on the marble. Which cup is it under - is it over here? Or there? All you have to do is guess which one. As simple as that. Which will it be? Place your bets - place your bets! This dapper young man in the Paw Patrol shirt - step right up! Find the marble, as easy as that - which cup is it under... over here... over there... which will it be?
The two-year-old lifts the right cup.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
What a loser.
Gazoo collects the children's bets, while they cry.
Florida Man:
You're learning the game, learning the game - keep your bets coming! My luck can't hold up! Who will step up this time? Can't win if you don't play! Double or nothing, double or nothing! ...I WIN AGAIN.
The waterworks are really coming now.
Florida Man (aside):
How are we doing?
Gazoo:
18 hotwheels, 5 bottle caps, 1 Barbie head, 6 hard candies, 27 pieces of twine, 41 tidilywinks, quite a bit of lint, 4 strands of twine -red, the shoe piece from a monopoly game, and a dollar twenty five.
Florida Man (seeing dollar signs):
Pounds?
Gazoo:
...once again, we are in America.
Florida Man (rubbing his claws together like a master criminal):
Is that enough to throw a swanky victory party for Epcot Mafia's WUK tag title win?
Gazoo:
...it is not.
Florida Man (dollar signs fade):
...dang.
Gazoo (pointing at toddlers):
These deadbeats just aren't the cash cows your celebrations require.
This is depressing. One of the children is already calling RUN-DMC to explain that she's been tricked out of her gold chain. Before the rap group can hunt our protagonist down with a rendition of "It's Tricky" - a lightbulb goes off over FML's head.
Florida Man:
GAZ! I recently met some fools with more success than common sense-
Gazoo:
Just the kind of pathetic marks we need to fund the bouncy castle your party requires!
Florida Man:
TO THE FLORIDA MOBILE!
A Wally Gator face flies into the screen, then flies out for a '66 Batman transition.
Outside a swank hotel.
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
Florida Man sits on top of Ultimate Warrior - the former WWF champion turned little girls' bike. The crazed Floridian has fixed three beer bottles to his fingers - thumb, index and middle - which he clatters together.
Florida Man:
HIGH ROLLERSSSSSSSSSSSS... COME OUT AND PPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAY!
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
Florida Man:
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH ROOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLEEEEEERSSSSSSS... COOOOME OOOOOUT AAAAAND PPPPPPLLLLLAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
Florida Man:
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSS
COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNDDDDDDD PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
If this actually is the High Rollers hotel, they aren't getting any sleep. Florida Man has been known to commit to these Warriors film parodies for HOURS. An uncomfortable doorman approaches the gang.
Doorman:
Sir, the police have been called. We all like that movie, but really, you've made your point- I think it's best that you leave.
Florida Man:
Point? I'm just inviting the High Rollers to a little shell game. I was under the impression they liked to gamble, and I'm here to give them some pretty nice odds.
Doorman:
I don't know what you're talking about, but the police will be here soon.
Ultimate Warrior:
*SNARL*
Intimidated by the bicycle, the doorman returns to his post.
Florida Man (sigh):
...looks like we ain't gonna get that ice sculpture of us running a train on the Glucks after all. I thought the High Rollers would rise to the challenge, but it seems like they only take safe bets. (turning to camera) Wesley Crane... me and my boi, Marty, we already beat ALL of your henchmen in the tournament. Perhaps it's that servant mindset that kept them from being winners? Now, I'm not saying you're holding them down, Crane - that's my job... but this War Games? This is the Glucks, Rage and Cage... their chance to get back in the tag title fight. Only... WHICH ONE IS IT GOING TO BE? You want Watts. That is straight forwards, but your flunkies? They might have the same goal... proving themselves better than THE CHAMPS... but they ain't on the same page. We beat THEM BOTH in the tournament... far as I'm concerned, Dark Stars are far more worthy contenders because we haven't tried our luck against them yet. I'm looking forwards to seeing the Dark Stars in action - kicking the Rage and Cage's asses. So seeing if your four merry men put their own interests aside long enough to prop you up? Well Crane... THAT is a real gamble.
...But you probably would have had better luck with my shell game.
Burn. As red lights flicker in the distance, our noise complaint throws his bottles to the street. Pulling back on the muscular arms that double as handlebars, Florida Man starts driving off on his Warrior.
"...War Games never changes."