Post by Rage and Cage on Aug 4, 2023 9:43:28 GMT -5
Nicholas Honest Cage is wearing a device on his neck. A stick sprouts off from it to hold his phone. It looks like a selfie stick for quadriplegics.
Cage: What’s good, ‘Gram? Threadverse or whatever y’all call yourselves, I’ll edit this down to 5 minutes whenever I feel like it. This is Nicholas H. Cage, and I’m hitting you with a new, original concept. Imma about to show you where I live and how I live. By the end, you’ll understand how good it is to be a High Roller!
Cage enters Wesley Crane’s penthouse. He walks around the living room showing off gold statues and fancy pieces of art.
Cage: A man with means has a responsibility to live with class. I bet y’all think that was said by a president or something but that was Mr. Crane! He’s right. Think about it. Anyone can go to Paris and see the Mona Lisa behind 10 feet of glass but only Mr. Crane and a select few can get up close and personal to all this good shit!
Cage walks through multiple rooms to get to the master bathroom. The room itself looks like art with all the marble.
Cage: Now after Mr. Crane has hard a tough match or gone 12 rounds with some ladies, he needs a place to get his body and mind right, you feel me? Up in here we got a steam room and a sauna because sometimes he wants dry heat and sometimes he wants wet heat. BTDubs, any of you ladies who are 9s or lower, keep dreaming! You might as well just go back to your man now because you ain’t gettin in here! However, I’ve been known to scoop up some 8s and 9s, so holla at ya boy!
Cage walks over to an enormous tub.
Cage: I’ve been personally assured by Mr. Crane that this tub can fit 20 women. A few of them had to sit on each other’s laps or do that standing 69-Tombstone thing to each other but it’s still 20. No one drowned. Mr. Crane has Henderson verify that ladies can hold their breath for at least 5 minutes because they need to have that ability, if you know what I mean! HA HA! Let’s go!
Cage walks over to a Japanese toilet.
Cage: Mr. Crane is a highly educated man, so he’s mastered that sushi language. I’ve been on this thing yelling SALMON ROLL for hours and it never worked! Oh well!
Cage walks through a lot of rooms to get back to the entrance.
Cage: How could I forget? This is the stand for Mr. Crane’s pride and joy: The WUK World Title…ooops!
Cage quickly spins around.
Cage: It’s not here but it will be soon again soon! You see Night of so-called Champions didn’t explain to you what really happened down in the NYC. Wesley Crane didn’t fight Kalmin Watts in Hell in a Cell. He fought a shaved gorilla…told me that it smelled better than Watts though! And…and y’all know that Mr. Crane ain’t about that animal abuse so he was fighting with one hand behind his back! And..you know what, this is bringing us down, hold on…
Cage hits pause. The stream comes back with him in his own suite.
Cage: This is the suite of Rage and Cage! It can’t compete with the Crane Penthouse, but what can? Still better than what you got!
Cage spins around
Cage: We’re thinking about renting that Japanese dude who transformed into a border collie. Maybe use him for parties or to show girls my tender side when I bring them back. Now, my boy can’t be in the bedroom while I’m doin my thing. That’s just weird.
Cage stops by a stand.
Cage: And just like Mr. Crane, Rage and Cage have a beautiful display for the WUK Tag Team…FUCK!
Cage realizes what he should have already known. The feed stops. When the stream resumes, he is in the elegant ballroom.
Cage: That’s better. Here we are in the elegant ball…oh shit!
Cage trips and almost wipes out.
Cage: I forgot about that! That’s the Brady dent! Mr. Crane undid about $10 million in plastic surgery with that HRKO and caused about $50 million more to be needed! We’re in the process of roping this area off, then we’ll charge $50 to see it. But that’s nothing compared to what Rage and Cage are going to do to the Epcot Mafia in War Games!
“Woke” Wesley Rage walks in and high-fives his brother.
Rage: Before The Revolution, Mr. Crane gave me the greatest gift I could get when he dropped that 1%er Tom Brady faster than the value of FTX!
Rage laughs and high-fives with Cage again.
Rage: As for The Revolution, it was a fluke! The High Rollers Club were targeted by the wealthy elites. It’s a grand conspiracy that even touched Wesley Crane. But they made a big mistake: they let us find out about it! It won’t happen again!
Rage reaches up and turns the phone to him.
Rage: Florida Man, you’re so insignificant that you don’t even have a profile on WUK.com. I’ve tried to look you up online, and I haven’t found shit. WUK knows what you’re about to learn at War Games: you won’t be here long!
Cage reaches up and turns the camera back.
Cage: And Marty Donovan, you broke my heart! We are alike. We both only wrestle in tag matches in WUK. I really thought we’d be cool, but you had to go and fight hard in an earnest competition. That’s disgusting! Try that again at War Games and see where that gets you! BTDubs, the Glucks will be looking for you, too!
Rage: Enjoy your short time at the top, boys!
Cage: What’s good, ‘Gram? Threadverse or whatever y’all call yourselves, I’ll edit this down to 5 minutes whenever I feel like it. This is Nicholas H. Cage, and I’m hitting you with a new, original concept. Imma about to show you where I live and how I live. By the end, you’ll understand how good it is to be a High Roller!
Cage enters Wesley Crane’s penthouse. He walks around the living room showing off gold statues and fancy pieces of art.
Cage: A man with means has a responsibility to live with class. I bet y’all think that was said by a president or something but that was Mr. Crane! He’s right. Think about it. Anyone can go to Paris and see the Mona Lisa behind 10 feet of glass but only Mr. Crane and a select few can get up close and personal to all this good shit!
Cage walks through multiple rooms to get to the master bathroom. The room itself looks like art with all the marble.
Cage: Now after Mr. Crane has hard a tough match or gone 12 rounds with some ladies, he needs a place to get his body and mind right, you feel me? Up in here we got a steam room and a sauna because sometimes he wants dry heat and sometimes he wants wet heat. BTDubs, any of you ladies who are 9s or lower, keep dreaming! You might as well just go back to your man now because you ain’t gettin in here! However, I’ve been known to scoop up some 8s and 9s, so holla at ya boy!
Cage walks over to an enormous tub.
Cage: I’ve been personally assured by Mr. Crane that this tub can fit 20 women. A few of them had to sit on each other’s laps or do that standing 69-Tombstone thing to each other but it’s still 20. No one drowned. Mr. Crane has Henderson verify that ladies can hold their breath for at least 5 minutes because they need to have that ability, if you know what I mean! HA HA! Let’s go!
Cage walks over to a Japanese toilet.
Cage: Mr. Crane is a highly educated man, so he’s mastered that sushi language. I’ve been on this thing yelling SALMON ROLL for hours and it never worked! Oh well!
Cage walks through a lot of rooms to get back to the entrance.
Cage: How could I forget? This is the stand for Mr. Crane’s pride and joy: The WUK World Title…ooops!
Cage quickly spins around.
Cage: It’s not here but it will be soon again soon! You see Night of so-called Champions didn’t explain to you what really happened down in the NYC. Wesley Crane didn’t fight Kalmin Watts in Hell in a Cell. He fought a shaved gorilla…told me that it smelled better than Watts though! And…and y’all know that Mr. Crane ain’t about that animal abuse so he was fighting with one hand behind his back! And..you know what, this is bringing us down, hold on…
Cage hits pause. The stream comes back with him in his own suite.
Cage: This is the suite of Rage and Cage! It can’t compete with the Crane Penthouse, but what can? Still better than what you got!
Cage spins around
Cage: We’re thinking about renting that Japanese dude who transformed into a border collie. Maybe use him for parties or to show girls my tender side when I bring them back. Now, my boy can’t be in the bedroom while I’m doin my thing. That’s just weird.
Cage stops by a stand.
Cage: And just like Mr. Crane, Rage and Cage have a beautiful display for the WUK Tag Team…FUCK!
Cage realizes what he should have already known. The feed stops. When the stream resumes, he is in the elegant ballroom.
Cage: That’s better. Here we are in the elegant ball…oh shit!
Cage trips and almost wipes out.
Cage: I forgot about that! That’s the Brady dent! Mr. Crane undid about $10 million in plastic surgery with that HRKO and caused about $50 million more to be needed! We’re in the process of roping this area off, then we’ll charge $50 to see it. But that’s nothing compared to what Rage and Cage are going to do to the Epcot Mafia in War Games!
“Woke” Wesley Rage walks in and high-fives his brother.
Rage: Before The Revolution, Mr. Crane gave me the greatest gift I could get when he dropped that 1%er Tom Brady faster than the value of FTX!
Rage laughs and high-fives with Cage again.
Rage: As for The Revolution, it was a fluke! The High Rollers Club were targeted by the wealthy elites. It’s a grand conspiracy that even touched Wesley Crane. But they made a big mistake: they let us find out about it! It won’t happen again!
Rage reaches up and turns the phone to him.
Rage: Florida Man, you’re so insignificant that you don’t even have a profile on WUK.com. I’ve tried to look you up online, and I haven’t found shit. WUK knows what you’re about to learn at War Games: you won’t be here long!
Cage reaches up and turns the camera back.
Cage: And Marty Donovan, you broke my heart! We are alike. We both only wrestle in tag matches in WUK. I really thought we’d be cool, but you had to go and fight hard in an earnest competition. That’s disgusting! Try that again at War Games and see where that gets you! BTDubs, the Glucks will be looking for you, too!
Rage: Enjoy your short time at the top, boys!