Post by Rage and Cage on Aug 6, 2023 15:23:59 GMT -5
Nicholas H. Cage is watching TV in his suite at Turning Rock Casino. He takes a drag from his vape pen and laughs.
Cage: Hey, Wes, see this bullshit from Florida Man!
“Woke” Wesley Rage walks into the room.
Rage: What’s up?
Cage: I’m catching up with what our opponents are saying. Fueling the fire, you know? I’m starting with Florida Man.
Rage groans with disgust.
Rage: This fucking guy. He acts like he’s been smoking bath salts for the whole weekend.
Cage: Florida Man…yelling all the time…Miami’s in Florida…got to be coke, bro.
Rage: Whatever! He’s high on something!
What kind of loser does drugs?
The red-eyed Cage takes another drag from his vape pen and tosses it to his brother. Rage takes a drag, coughs, and tosses it back. They watch the Florida Man promo until he appears to be in front of the casino. They both look at each other and rush to the window.
Rage: Can you see him?
Cage: It’s night! I can’t see anything!
Rage: He’s lucky he published this video once he got back to Florida! If the doorperson had called me, I would have wrecked Florida Man’s shit! I owe him for Revolution!
Cage takes a deep breath.
Cage: Be careful, bro. I think he’s a necromancer. I know the Ultimate Warrior’s dead, but he was there with Florida Man!
Rage: Nic, that wasn’t…ugh…
Rage knows Cage wouldn’t lie, and he doesn’t want to dissect Florida Man.
Rage: We can’t worry about that. We need to be pissed off that Epcot Mafia dealt the most severe blow to the social justice movement! Do you know how many people of color were counting on us? Do you know how many queer people were counting on us? The poor, oppressed people needed hope, and Epcot Mafia stepped on their throats! I’m going to murder them in War Games!
Cage: Yeah, fuck those guys! Just because they beat us fair and square doesn’t mean they’re better than us!
Rage: What?
Cage: What?
Rage: Whatever. Focus, Nic! We can’t afford to lose to Florida Person and Marty DeSantis! People are doubting the High Rollers Club, and that shit can’t stand! Hope is a precious thing, and cisgendered, heterosexual, hwite men are trying to extinguish it. Epcot Mafia doesn’t use their privilege to lift others up! They never will. They’ll walk around with our belts eating Mickey Mouse ice cream bars and refusing to fight for a living wage for Disney employees. It disgusts me! We need to destroy them in War Games to show how much of a fluke it was at Revolution! Rage and Cage have to reestablish themselves!
Cage: Dude, we got this. Epcot Mafia came in as unknowns and surprised us. I didn’t even know who was in Epcot Mafia or what their finishers were. They still don’t have profiles on WUK.com! (hint, hint)
Rage: And Crane has been personally training us! He’s showing us their weaknesses!
Cage: Exactly. No one knows Marty Donovan better than Mr. Crane! He knew Marty was dead weight, so he kicked him out of the country! Not just WUK, but the whole United Kingdom! Mr. Crane has said that either one of us could beat Donovan one on one. Once we take care of him, we’ll double team Florida Man.
Rage: Crane’s made it clear that he has dibs on Watts. The Glucks will demolish the Dark Stars. They can’t compete with us!
Cage takes another drag and nods. They watch the rest of Florida Man’s adventures. Once those are over, the next thing queued up is Kalmin Watts’ manager talking to the press.
Cage: Some champion! Watts can’t even make his own appearances. He’ll probably have to retire after the beating Mr. Crane gave him!
Rage: Why are there so many people from Mississippi in this company? I know we’re supposed to be allies with the Glucks, but come on! Where are the wrestlers from more enlightened areas?
They continue to watch until they get to where the manager discusses Rage and Cage. Neither looks impressed until Rage is discussed. His eyes go wide as his body begins to trimble. Cage leaps behind the couch.
Rage: NO…THIS….MOTHERFUCKER…DIDN’T!
Rage stands up and screams at the screen.
Rage: “LIMOUSINE LIBERAL!” THE ACTUAL FUCK! I’M A FUCKING COMMUNIST! I KEEP IT 100! I DON’T PRETEND TO WANT TO HELP PEOPLE, BUT REFUSE TAX INCREASES! A CONSERVATIVE IS A FROWNING FASCIST! A LIBERAL IS A SMILING FASCIST! FUCK THAT BOOMER! FUCK HIS LIBERAL/CONSERVATIVE DICHOTOMY! AFTER I KILL EPCOT MAFIA, I’M FINDING THAT FUCKER!
Rage storms out of the room. The sound of glass breaking is heard from his direction. After a few seconds, Cage crawls back over the couch. He’s scared, but supportive.
Cage: Yeah! You’ll show him!
Cage takes another drag.
Cage: He just called me a “star of stage and screen.” I got off easy. That’s what I actually am!
Cage smiles as the queue ends.
Cage: Is that it?
Cage fumbles with the Apple TV remote and accidentally opens Peacock.
Cage: Peacock? There’s no wrestling on that!
Cage accidentally plays a random episode of The Office.
Cage: What is this?
Cage watches the introduction and the first few minutes of the show. He chuckles at what he sees.
Cage: Yo, y’all are on camera! Why are you doing that?
Jim Halpert is shown on camera. Cage sits up and leans in.
Cage: Is that Marty Donovan? How’d he get on this paper company documentary?
Cage keeps watching.
Cage: He even shaved for this! He looks a lot younger!
Michael Scott says something ridiculous, and Cage busts out laughing.
Cage: How’d they not fire this dude? I mean, I love him, but he sucks at his job!
Jim looks at the camera. Cage stops laughing. He gets up and runs to Rage.
Cage: WES! MARTY’S IN THE TV! HE’S WATCHING US!
Cage: Hey, Wes, see this bullshit from Florida Man!
“Woke” Wesley Rage walks into the room.
Rage: What’s up?
Cage: I’m catching up with what our opponents are saying. Fueling the fire, you know? I’m starting with Florida Man.
Rage groans with disgust.
Rage: This fucking guy. He acts like he’s been smoking bath salts for the whole weekend.
Cage: Florida Man…yelling all the time…Miami’s in Florida…got to be coke, bro.
Rage: Whatever! He’s high on something!
What kind of loser does drugs?
The red-eyed Cage takes another drag from his vape pen and tosses it to his brother. Rage takes a drag, coughs, and tosses it back. They watch the Florida Man promo until he appears to be in front of the casino. They both look at each other and rush to the window.
Rage: Can you see him?
Cage: It’s night! I can’t see anything!
Rage: He’s lucky he published this video once he got back to Florida! If the doorperson had called me, I would have wrecked Florida Man’s shit! I owe him for Revolution!
Cage takes a deep breath.
Cage: Be careful, bro. I think he’s a necromancer. I know the Ultimate Warrior’s dead, but he was there with Florida Man!
Rage: Nic, that wasn’t…ugh…
Rage knows Cage wouldn’t lie, and he doesn’t want to dissect Florida Man.
Rage: We can’t worry about that. We need to be pissed off that Epcot Mafia dealt the most severe blow to the social justice movement! Do you know how many people of color were counting on us? Do you know how many queer people were counting on us? The poor, oppressed people needed hope, and Epcot Mafia stepped on their throats! I’m going to murder them in War Games!
Cage: Yeah, fuck those guys! Just because they beat us fair and square doesn’t mean they’re better than us!
Rage: What?
Cage: What?
Rage: Whatever. Focus, Nic! We can’t afford to lose to Florida Person and Marty DeSantis! People are doubting the High Rollers Club, and that shit can’t stand! Hope is a precious thing, and cisgendered, heterosexual, hwite men are trying to extinguish it. Epcot Mafia doesn’t use their privilege to lift others up! They never will. They’ll walk around with our belts eating Mickey Mouse ice cream bars and refusing to fight for a living wage for Disney employees. It disgusts me! We need to destroy them in War Games to show how much of a fluke it was at Revolution! Rage and Cage have to reestablish themselves!
Cage: Dude, we got this. Epcot Mafia came in as unknowns and surprised us. I didn’t even know who was in Epcot Mafia or what their finishers were. They still don’t have profiles on WUK.com! (hint, hint)
Rage: And Crane has been personally training us! He’s showing us their weaknesses!
Cage: Exactly. No one knows Marty Donovan better than Mr. Crane! He knew Marty was dead weight, so he kicked him out of the country! Not just WUK, but the whole United Kingdom! Mr. Crane has said that either one of us could beat Donovan one on one. Once we take care of him, we’ll double team Florida Man.
Rage: Crane’s made it clear that he has dibs on Watts. The Glucks will demolish the Dark Stars. They can’t compete with us!
Cage takes another drag and nods. They watch the rest of Florida Man’s adventures. Once those are over, the next thing queued up is Kalmin Watts’ manager talking to the press.
Cage: Some champion! Watts can’t even make his own appearances. He’ll probably have to retire after the beating Mr. Crane gave him!
Rage: Why are there so many people from Mississippi in this company? I know we’re supposed to be allies with the Glucks, but come on! Where are the wrestlers from more enlightened areas?
They continue to watch until they get to where the manager discusses Rage and Cage. Neither looks impressed until Rage is discussed. His eyes go wide as his body begins to trimble. Cage leaps behind the couch.
Rage: NO…THIS….MOTHERFUCKER…DIDN’T!
Rage stands up and screams at the screen.
Rage: “LIMOUSINE LIBERAL!” THE ACTUAL FUCK! I’M A FUCKING COMMUNIST! I KEEP IT 100! I DON’T PRETEND TO WANT TO HELP PEOPLE, BUT REFUSE TAX INCREASES! A CONSERVATIVE IS A FROWNING FASCIST! A LIBERAL IS A SMILING FASCIST! FUCK THAT BOOMER! FUCK HIS LIBERAL/CONSERVATIVE DICHOTOMY! AFTER I KILL EPCOT MAFIA, I’M FINDING THAT FUCKER!
Rage storms out of the room. The sound of glass breaking is heard from his direction. After a few seconds, Cage crawls back over the couch. He’s scared, but supportive.
Cage: Yeah! You’ll show him!
Cage takes another drag.
Cage: He just called me a “star of stage and screen.” I got off easy. That’s what I actually am!
Cage smiles as the queue ends.
Cage: Is that it?
Cage fumbles with the Apple TV remote and accidentally opens Peacock.
Cage: Peacock? There’s no wrestling on that!
Cage accidentally plays a random episode of The Office.
Cage: What is this?
Cage watches the introduction and the first few minutes of the show. He chuckles at what he sees.
Cage: Yo, y’all are on camera! Why are you doing that?
Jim Halpert is shown on camera. Cage sits up and leans in.
Cage: Is that Marty Donovan? How’d he get on this paper company documentary?
Cage keeps watching.
Cage: He even shaved for this! He looks a lot younger!
Michael Scott says something ridiculous, and Cage busts out laughing.
Cage: How’d they not fire this dude? I mean, I love him, but he sucks at his job!
Jim looks at the camera. Cage stops laughing. He gets up and runs to Rage.
Cage: WES! MARTY’S IN THE TV! HE’S WATCHING US!