Post by Visit Neom on Aug 8, 2023 0:03:18 GMT -5
( The shot opens on the inside of a car. Disney’s Marty Donovan is driving. Riding shotgun is his girlfriend Olivia Oldham, who has her hands over her eyes.)
Ollie: Can I look yet? Tintin, the suspense is killing me!
Marty: Just a little bit further.
(Marty parks the car and looks at her for a moment. He is clearly nervous.)
Marty: Okay, now you can look.
(Ollie uncovers her eyes and gasps in delight. The camera turns to reveal they are in a store parking lot.)
Ollie: Shut up, is this a surprise Target run!?!
(Marty hands her a Target gift card.)
Ollie: Martini, you’re so sweet.
Marty: I want you to know how sorry I am about the war games match.
Ollie: Relax, I’m not mad about that anymore. I mean don’t get me wrong. It was a traumatizing bloodbath, but that was months ago.
(Marty doesn't respond. Ollie grows nervous.)
Ollie: I said the war games match was months ago, Martin.
(There is another long pause before Marty finally responds.)
Marty: One of them sure was.
(Like a car going 0 to 60, Ollie is suddenly sobbing uncontrollably. Marty scrambles to open the gift card box.)
Marty: Look! Look at the size of your gift card! This baby can buy so many inspirational bath mats.
Ollie: Is it enough to purchase your casket?
Marty: Jimney H. Cricket, I’m not going to die out there. I’m facing the pathetic High Roller’s Club. If The Anointed is a beloved Disney movie then Wesley’s little stable is the direct to home video sequel. Rage and Cage. The Glucks. I beat all four of those clowns in a single night. Now enough tears. We don’t want to miss on those back to school savings. Calculators are 30% off!
Ollie: Wesley tried to maim you last time.
Marty: That was before Kalmin took his world title. No-brain Crane has blinders on. He is only going to be able to focus on the big man from Oklahoma now. He's mad that the Okie piledrove him on to a tool. I guess it was sort of a family reunion since this Crane is the biggest tool I know. Wesley only mentioned my name once in his promo. That is a huge mistake considering I pinned him clean in the center of a Hardkore World ring.
Ollie: They don’t play by the rules though. What if they have some kind of trap planned?
Marty: Planned!?! These guys couldn't plan a trip to Taco Bell. Rage and Cage spent their week filming Wesley’s own personal episode of Cribs and commenting that I look like the main guy from Jack Ryan.
Ollie: Really? I don’t see it.
Marty: Me neither, though I’ve never watched a frame. My Disney sponsorship has forbidden me from streaming any Amazon Prime shows. That girl on The Peripheral is really cute though. Meanwhile the Glucks just hang out in the sticks. Watts is training away in the gym while they're mixing different types of bathroom cleaner into a bathtub gin. When it comes to trap setting none of my opponents are exactly Lawrence of Arabia. Besides, The Dark Stars claim to be from the future. They can just check the holodeck archives or whatever and let us know what happens in the match, alter history.
Ollie: They’re not actually time travelers.
Marty: Even if they’re not, I ain’t worried. No ambush is a match for an alligator. We got Florida Man! Yeah, I know he might seem like he's wandered in from a remedial clown college, but that dude's got more surprises up his sleeve than Gambit. Sure, he may seem like a harmless Meth head, but Florida Man's got some serious fight in him. He's like an everglades fan boat of chaos and energy when he steps in that ring. You can bet your Mickey Mouse ears he's gonna turn heads and leave a trail of jaw-dropped fans.
Ollie: That may all be true, but it doesn’t mean I'm feeling any better about this. War Games is a sadistic structure and the idea of you risking your life in one again has me filled with dread. Do you get what I’m saying?
Marty: That this is a serious issue and one expensive trip to Target isn’t going to make things better.
Ollie: Exactly.
(Marty starts the car up.)
Ollie: We’re also going to have to go to Nordstrom.
(Marty sighs and turns the car back off. The shot fades out as they head inside.)
Ollie: Can I look yet? Tintin, the suspense is killing me!
Marty: Just a little bit further.
(Marty parks the car and looks at her for a moment. He is clearly nervous.)
Marty: Okay, now you can look.
(Ollie uncovers her eyes and gasps in delight. The camera turns to reveal they are in a store parking lot.)
Ollie: Shut up, is this a surprise Target run!?!
(Marty hands her a Target gift card.)
Ollie: Martini, you’re so sweet.
Marty: I want you to know how sorry I am about the war games match.
Ollie: Relax, I’m not mad about that anymore. I mean don’t get me wrong. It was a traumatizing bloodbath, but that was months ago.
(Marty doesn't respond. Ollie grows nervous.)
Ollie: I said the war games match was months ago, Martin.
(There is another long pause before Marty finally responds.)
Marty: One of them sure was.
(Like a car going 0 to 60, Ollie is suddenly sobbing uncontrollably. Marty scrambles to open the gift card box.)
Marty: Look! Look at the size of your gift card! This baby can buy so many inspirational bath mats.
Ollie: Is it enough to purchase your casket?
Marty: Jimney H. Cricket, I’m not going to die out there. I’m facing the pathetic High Roller’s Club. If The Anointed is a beloved Disney movie then Wesley’s little stable is the direct to home video sequel. Rage and Cage. The Glucks. I beat all four of those clowns in a single night. Now enough tears. We don’t want to miss on those back to school savings. Calculators are 30% off!
Ollie: Wesley tried to maim you last time.
Marty: That was before Kalmin took his world title. No-brain Crane has blinders on. He is only going to be able to focus on the big man from Oklahoma now. He's mad that the Okie piledrove him on to a tool. I guess it was sort of a family reunion since this Crane is the biggest tool I know. Wesley only mentioned my name once in his promo. That is a huge mistake considering I pinned him clean in the center of a Hardkore World ring.
Ollie: They don’t play by the rules though. What if they have some kind of trap planned?
Marty: Planned!?! These guys couldn't plan a trip to Taco Bell. Rage and Cage spent their week filming Wesley’s own personal episode of Cribs and commenting that I look like the main guy from Jack Ryan.
Ollie: Really? I don’t see it.
Marty: Me neither, though I’ve never watched a frame. My Disney sponsorship has forbidden me from streaming any Amazon Prime shows. That girl on The Peripheral is really cute though. Meanwhile the Glucks just hang out in the sticks. Watts is training away in the gym while they're mixing different types of bathroom cleaner into a bathtub gin. When it comes to trap setting none of my opponents are exactly Lawrence of Arabia. Besides, The Dark Stars claim to be from the future. They can just check the holodeck archives or whatever and let us know what happens in the match, alter history.
Ollie: They’re not actually time travelers.
Marty: Even if they’re not, I ain’t worried. No ambush is a match for an alligator. We got Florida Man! Yeah, I know he might seem like he's wandered in from a remedial clown college, but that dude's got more surprises up his sleeve than Gambit. Sure, he may seem like a harmless Meth head, but Florida Man's got some serious fight in him. He's like an everglades fan boat of chaos and energy when he steps in that ring. You can bet your Mickey Mouse ears he's gonna turn heads and leave a trail of jaw-dropped fans.
Ollie: That may all be true, but it doesn’t mean I'm feeling any better about this. War Games is a sadistic structure and the idea of you risking your life in one again has me filled with dread. Do you get what I’m saying?
Marty: That this is a serious issue and one expensive trip to Target isn’t going to make things better.
Ollie: Exactly.
(Marty starts the car up.)
Ollie: We’re also going to have to go to Nordstrom.
(Marty sighs and turns the car back off. The shot fades out as they head inside.)