Post by Jonnie Valentine on Aug 18, 2023 17:31:30 GMT -5
Open up on The Ball Arena as fans try and get on camera with their signs that say “Cross-Watts The Best Series in Hardkore History!”, one fan is holding up a surfboard in reference to Simon Cruise, there are other signs that say “Rat Boy”, “Marty Has Walt Disney’s Corpse”, “Cross Sucks”, “Cruise is The King of the West Coast”, “The Annoying”, “Joey Little Dick”, “Nobody Does It Better”, “Squid Will Die”, “The Dragon Will Fly”, “Kiss-Stealin Kilroy” with hearts all over it, “TUX SUX”, and a possum dressed as Steve Awesome that says “Steve Possum”. The shot fades out to Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello everyone, and welcome to Denver, Colorado! This is Hardkore’s return to the Rocky Mountains for the first time in 19 years, 2004, and these fans have sure missed us!
Phillip Blauer: We’re here in Ball Arena, the Arena with Balls!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I told you it wasn’t funny during mic checks.
Phillip Blauer: It’s for our more high brow clientele.
Guillermo O’Bannon: If you didn’t catch XHF Night of Champions in New York City, Cross Recoba regained his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Kalmin Watts in a submission match.
Phillip Blauer: The belt is back where it belongs. With the man who I will one day call “chief” as I walk by him in the hallway…(daydreaming) with finger guns…
Guillermo O’Bannon: And now, Hardkore World Champion vs. Wrestle: UK World Champion. A dream match. Tonight, the third in their series, a 60 minute Iron Man match.
Phillip Blauer: What?? I’ll die.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You won’t die. The first two matches were classics, what could they have left tonight?
Phillip Blauer: Honestly I haven’t had anything left since…when did Tru Blood get canceled?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Three seasons too late. Then “The High Roller” Wesley Crane puts the Hardkore West Coast Championship up against Simon Cruise. Cruise received this title shot by winning a ladder match with The Sheik and Tuxedo Mask. Tonight, he attempts to cash in on this opportunity he earned, but it is against the lethal former Wrestle: UK World Champion and Hardkore World Tag Team Champion Wesley Crane.
Phillip Blauer: The man literally drips in gold. It’s disgusting.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship is on the line as The Anointed Freebirded and added Steve Awesome, for a match with he and Alexander Von Blankenship against The Mischief Express; Kilroy Evans and Marty Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: This match is further complicated by their seconds: Hasbulla and Lil Corny. I, along with the rest of the nation, hope that little Russian man-person gives that small child a savage beating.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do not sully this great nation by lumping it in with your unfortunate views. Then it’s The Sheik taking on the former Hardkore California Champion “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall. The Sheik is looking to get his Hardkore West Coast title back, while Squid is looking for a rematch for his Hardkore California Championship. A win here in Denver could do a lot to making that a reality.
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik is why we run so late at night in most markets.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Back in July, the dirt sheets reported an incident at new Hardkore California Champion “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse taking on Joe Nobody. Joey shocked the World at Irish Rage in Dublin, winning the title off of Callum Cornwall in an impromptu match. Joe Nobody is looking to continue his win streak since coming to the West Coast.
Phillip Blauer: You know, I gotta be honest…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Please don’t.
Phillip Blauer: …the whole thing with the hat bugs me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why would that bug you?
Phillip Blauer: We got Jimmy Valentine Jr. working his fingers to the bone, selling Hardkore World merchandise and then this guy goes around handing out free fedoras like it’s communist Russia. For Pete’s sake, the man has a gambling habit and huffs model airplane glue, do we have to rob him of his only way to earn a living?
A fierce looking dragon slowly raises its head and spews fire and flames before "Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator before images of Little Dragon executing various moves in his matches as Little Dragon appears on the rampway, soaking in the loud pop from the Denver fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon here in the Rocky Mountains for the first time since he sat ringside here as a child in 2004, watching The Shootfighter wrestle Big Bad Bill.
Phillip Blauer: Good old Triple B.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight, Little Dragon hopes to make his own memory over former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Tuxedo Mask. A man that he once had a lot of respect for, but recently has become disillusioned with the way Tux treats his former fans.
Little Dragon storms ringside, slapping the hands of the fans craning over the railing. When he reaches the ring, Little Dragon leaps over the top rope luchador style and forward rolls his feet into a dragon stance
Yolanda Ando: Little Dragon wears a green sleeveless full body surfer's suit, green ring boots, green MMA cobra gloves and a green mask that covers his face, nose and chin. His waist length dark hair flows freely from the top of his mask and his face, arms and body are covered with dragon tattoos and TAO symbols.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Little Dragon also grew up watching Tuxedo Mask, and his friend, the former Makoto Jupiter, now known as Rei Ei Aun, who was in this very town in 2004, losing a threeway with Tamara Sanchez and Xyrynth. Now he gets to face the fellow cruiserweight, a match he has dreamed about all his life. He has admired him from afar but tonight gets to wrestle the real life, flesh and bone guy.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to The Ball Arena in Denver, Colorado! Hardkore Jonnie Valentine and Hardkore World presents tonight’s wrestling action. Your first match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 225 pounds…LITTLE DRAGON!!!”
The Ball Arena lets out a high pitched cheer from the women and children in the audience
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the cheers turn to jeers. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and stands at the side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak in the boos. He walks to the other side of the ramp. Tux pumps up the fans to boo him on that side as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask getting the reaction he deserves if you ask me.
Phillip Blauer: Has anyone ever asked you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No. But Tuxedo Mask being surprised that these people don’t appreciate his cheating and betrayal isn’t a shock either.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of boos before preparing for the match
Greg Jin: "And his opponent is from Tokushima, Japan. Standing 5 feet 8 inches and Weighing 185 pounds; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure... TUXEDO MASK!!!"
The fans boo as Tuxedo Mask ignores them
Tuxedo Mask vs. Little Dragon
Richie Richardson calls for the bell as we get this underway
Guillermo O’Bannon: The two fighters rush from their corners and immediately lock up. Tuxedo is quick to grab a hammerlock but Dragon reverses before it’s locked in.
Little Dragon transitions to a headlock and bears down on Mask, making him carry the extra weight.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A headlock takedown by Little Dragon takes them down to the mat. Tux is quick to slip out the back and grab the hammerlock again to get to his feet.
The Denver audience chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Tuxedo Mask sneers at them
Phillip Blauer: He really needs to do something here to silent these mountain folk.
Little Dragon twists and grabs a waistlock and uses it to bring Tuxedo Mask to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon hits a snap dropkick before Tux can get to his knees!
The fans cheer. Scrambling for space, Tuxedo Mask unsteadily stands up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon meets Tux with a middle kick but then hits him with a ghettoblaster enzuigiri that sends Tuxedo Mask into the ropes!
Little Dragon hits him with a european uppercut that lands true on the chin of Mask. He grabs Tuxedo Mask’s arm and then short-arm side elbows him to the head to stuns him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon grabs the arm once more and pulls him into a short-arm powerslam!
…ONE
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
A smile showing under his mask, Dynamo Dragon waits for Tuxedo Mask to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon charges in with a forearm that connects with the lower back of Tux. He grabs a full nelson and drops back into a bridging dragon suplex!
Phillip Blauer: You mean Little Dragon Suplex.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wasting no time, Little Dragon lifts Mask to his feet. He lifts him up in an atomic lift and then drops him into a double knee backbreaker!! Once more, Dragon goes for the cover.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hooking a front facelock, Little Dragon lifts Tuxedo Mask up to his feet and then hoists him into the air, but Tux drops down the back. Little Dragon turns around into a jawbreaker!
Phillip Blauer: Finally, Tux has adjusted to the mile high air.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with a lightning fast snap suplex. The Japanese Mat Magician leaves nothing to chance as he takes Dragon into a headlock and runs to the corner into an acid drop bulldog!!
The fans boo and another round of “TUX SUX!” chants begin. Sliding under the bottom rope, Tux waits patiently for Dragon to rise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and jumps off with a springboard dragonrana!!
The jeers and the heckling get louder. Feeding off the Denver crowd, Tuxedo Mask gets Dragon to his feet and drives a lifting knee into his ribs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask pumphandles him up but Little Dragon slips out the back and hits a backdrop driver on Tux!!
The crowd comes to life! Clearly stunned, Mask finds himself in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon charges in with a running roaring elbow that connects! And another! And a third one nearly knocks out Tuxedo Mask!
Going into the center of the ring, Dragon lifts up an arm and charges
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon with a leaping corner splash!
Phillip Blauer: That has to sting!
Barely keeping on his feet as he staggers from the corner, Tuxedo Mask is powerless to stop Dragon from tucking his head between his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon lifts him up on his shoulders and drives him into the mat with a huge powerbomb!!
The Denver crowd, especially the kids in the audience, grow louder as they know what to expect. They start chanting “DSD! DSD! DSD! DSD! DSD!”
Phillip Blauer: The people are really taking to Sony’s Direct Stream Digital.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leaping to the top in one single bound, Dragon sits and waits. He hits his flying backstabber known as the DSD!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator plays and the fans jump to their feet
Greg Jin: "At 8 minutes, 38 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…LITTLE DRAGON!!!"
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson raises Little Dragon’s arm as the Denver crowd cheers wildly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon has done it! He came into Denver and defeated his childhood idol with the DSD. This will surely put him in line for a title shot against Hardkore California Champion Joey Little Horse.
Little Dragon goes through the ropes out onto the floor. He slaps hands with all the ringside fans until he gets to a 7 year old boy wearing his mask
Phillip Blauer: That kid’s parents need to check what kind of knock off glue they use on those things to make sure it’s not toxic. Another valuable parenting tip from good ole Uncle Phil.
Little Dragon holds up the young boy, giving him a moment he’ll cherish forever
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon has one of the closest relationships to our young fans that I can remember anyone having. He truly fights for them. Coming up fans, we have a whole lot more action, so don’t go away!
Nick Ketzinger: Hi, I’m Nick Ketzinger of Swinging Waterbed Emporium here to announce our Going Out Of Business sale. My grandfather “Swinging” Saul Ketzinger started Swinging Waterbed Emporium back in 1971 with his famous commercials!
Cut to clip of grainy 70s commercial
“Swinging” Saul Ketzinger: That’s right, Daddy! And remember if you don’t get twice the tail you did before you got a “Swinging” Saul waterbed, I will give you 50% your money back! The ladies can’t help but submit to the motion of the ocean, if ya know what I mean!
Cut back to modern day commercial
Nick Ketzinger: That was our heyday, My grandfather passed it on to my father who passed it on to me and well…looks like I blew it. Yup. I was the crown prince of waterbeds and somehow I squandered my birthright. I don’t know how I’ll look my wife and family in the eye ever again. I pretend to be happy to go to work in the morning, but I just sit in that empty waterbed store. Alone, with nothing but my thoughts. My poisonous, never ending…thoughts. Sometimes, I just want to ram my head through that wall, just to stop them for…even a second.
Nick stares off into space. He shakes his head, at the horror…suddenly he snaps back to attention
Nick Ketzinger: But let my terrible business sense be your good fortune, and come on down to get yourself 60%, 70%, even 80% off on a brand new waterbed. These things were all the rage in the 70s and 80s, I never thought the money would stop rolling in. But then one day, it no longer became cool to sleep on a jiggly floor of swamp water. Whodathunk it? Some visit Swinging Waterbed Emporium on Highway 74, past the old Panera Bread.
Fade back up on Guillermo O’Bannon and Phil Blauer.
Phillip Blauer: I’ll take this one, because it needs a real reporter. Coming up is the match everyone’s been talking about the past few weeks. TMZ and multiple wrestling publications like The Torch, The Observer, and Incel Newz reported that there was a disturbance at Belfast International Airport between the top two Joes in Hardkore World. Joey Little Horse and Joe Nobody. Now both camps have their version of what happened, but I have the full scoop, the straight poop, on this story!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Which is?
Phillip Blauer: Just looking at Joe Nobody’s face, he seems like the kind of guy who would start some drama in a Northern Irish airport.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s your full scoop?
Phillip Blauer: The straight poop!
The lights in The Ball Arena dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The Denver fans cheer asThe lyrics begin appearing on the screen, and then the crowd starts singing along to them, getting louder with each line
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!!
Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie before making his way to the ring
Phillip Blauer: There’s that scoundrel that gets drunk at airport bars. Airport bars. Can you believe it? Is nothing sacred?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody insists the whole fracas started because he mistakenly threw away Joey Little Horse’s luggage at the airport.
Phillip Blauer: Right, and he just so happens to throw away the only sexy Indian in that airport’s luggage? Tell me another one, buddy.
Joe Nobody arrives at the ring steps and takes two steps before he stops suddenly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh! I think some lucky young man is about to get a pretty cool souvenir.
Phillip Blauer: (mocking) “I think some lucky young man is about to get a pretty cool souvenir.” That’s how you sound right now.
Joe Nobody turns and walks down the ring steps to the front row. He finds an embarrassed teenager, who is sheepish from the attention
Phillip Blauer: Who’s this little dweeb?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey! Be nice. That dweeb paid for your fondue kit.
Phillip Blauer: (folds his arms)
Nobody takes his signature fedora off and puts it on the teenager. He smiles and thanks Joe, who pats him on the shoulder
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda.
Phillip Blauer: Look at the way this guy is dressed. Totally ripping off my look! This bag stealing, baby kissing Nobody has really got some nerve talking about all the intimate apparel in Little Horse’s luggage…
Guillermo O’Bannon: …trash bag.
Phillip Blauer: Trash bag. How would he like Joey talking about those dozens of knockoff fedoras he travels with? (to teenager in front row) Believe me, champ, that’s not his walking around hat…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leave him alone, Phil! Joe Nobody doesn’t care about any airport scuffle, he’s here tonight to continue his winning ways here on the West Coast.
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together.
Greg Jin: “The following non-title match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The Ball Arena cheers as Joe Nobody loosens the ropes
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the Denver fans boo. “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse comes dancing down the ramp to show off
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we said, Joey Little Horse has a completely different version of events of what happened at that airport in Northern Ireland, which he says continued into Dublin.
Phillip Blauer: See? It wasn’t about what was or wasn’t in what Joey thinks is a carrying case. It was about Joe Nobody making an embarrassing example of American indulgence and Joey had to shut it down Little Horse Style!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is Little Horse Style?
Phillip Blauer: I imagined it involved jumping over tiny hurdles?
Joey Little Horse stops and points to his Hardkore California Championship belt while doing more seductive dancing. A fan gets his thumbs down between Little Horse and Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After the altercation at the airport, Joey Little Horse refused to put up his Hardkore California Championship.
Phillip Blauer: It’s like my jiggling Geronimo said…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do not call him that.
Phillip Blauer: This isn’t some 24/7 hogwash where you can roll up some guy in the john at Del Taco. The Hardkore California Championship is like a woman. You have to earn her.
Yolanda Ando: Ew.
Joey Little Horse gets into the ring and tells Joe Nobody to get out of his way. Joe Nobody approaches him, but Kelly O’Connell holds him back. Joey Little Horse begins gyrating his body to the beat of his ring music to taunt Nobody
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse says he’ll decide when Joe Nobody deserves a Hardkore California title shot, but if he loses here tonight, it might be a hard case for him to make.
Phillip Blauer: Plus, we’re not in California. Duh. Or are we? No. I don’t remember a weed store at the airport.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He Is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
The Denver audience boos as Little Horse holds up the Hardkore California Championship
Joe Nobody vs. Joey Little Horse
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and the match is underway
Phillip Blauer: Here we go, The Battle of the Joes! Which Joe will reign supreme?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both Joes circle the ring as they size each other up.
Phillip Blauer: You know, just by looking at him, Little Horse doesn’t seem so small. He’s at least as big as Little Dragon.
Joe Nobody goes to lock up, but Joey Little Horse just pushes him away. The Denver audience says “Ohhhh”
Phillip Blauer: That’s for insulting another man’s luggage. We used to be a proper country.
Joey Little Horse starts trash talking Nobody, getting close to his face talking about his big ego
Guillermo O’Bannon: I would be careful if I was Joey Little Horse. Nobody looks pretty tough…Joey Little Horse slaps Nobody across the face!
The crowd boos and Joey Little Horse starts doing some sexy dancing. Joe Nobody rolls his eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody rocks him with a right hand! Another! And another one drops Joey Little Horse to the mat!
The Ball Arena pops! Joe Nobody pulls Little Horse up by the hair, but Joey pokes him in the eye
Guillermo O’Bannon: And after going after the eyes, it’s Little Horse who gains the upper hand and pulls Nobody into a side headlock.
Little Horse squeezes the hold and tries to grind Nobody down. The audience chants “JOE! JOE! JOE!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody is able to reverse the headlock into a side suplex!
Little Horse is back up to his feet quickly and he throws a clothesline attempt but Nobody ducks behind
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody drops Joey Little Horse with a russian leg sweep!
Nobody hooks the far leg. Kelly O’Connell drops down but Little Horse gets his shoulder up. Nobody starts dragging Little Horse to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse buried a couple elbows to Nobody’s abdomen attempting to gain control but Nobody squashes that and drills Little Horse with a snap suplex!
Joe Nobody starts to feel it as he picks up Joey and nails him with a couple forearms that rock the Little Horse
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse comes running in but he takes a rolling arm drag from Nobody!
Joey Little Horse pops back up and throws a punch but Nobody snatches the arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody nails another Brazilian Jiu Jitsu style rolling arm drag.
Little Horse gets up and his punch gets blocked again and this time Joe Nobody switched to the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody impales Joey Little Horse into the mat with a full nelson suplex!
The Denver fans chant “JOE! JOE! JOE!”
Phillip Blauer: But which Joe are they chanting for?
Joe Nobody calls for it with a point in Joey Little Horse’s direction and runs in and like a cyclone
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody nails a beautiful Status Symbol float over DDT!!
Joey Little Horse spikes onto his head and Nobody goes for the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse gets his shoulder up!
Nobody thought that would be three and double checks with Kelly O’Connell as Little Horse catches his breath. Nobody grabs Little Horse and pulls him up to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody swings a clothesline but Joey Little Horse comes to life and kicks the attempt.
Nobody clutches his arm in pain and Little Horse starts to mount a bit of a comeback with his war dance
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse lights Nobody up with tomahawk chops. Joe starts taking chops from all sides as Joey Little Horse gets himself fired up!
Phillip Blauer: Look at this guy! Bam a chop to the chest! Pow a chop to the side of the head! I love it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse hits him with a tomahawk chop right to the neck that staggers Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: Well it staggered somebody.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse finishes him off with a big one to the head!
Nobody drops to the mat from the blow. The fans boo as Joey Little Horse does another little sexy dance
Phillip Blauer: Look at those moves, Guantanamo. They’re hypnotic!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse continues his onslaught with a standing tornado DDT! Horse quickly hooks the leg for a cover!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody kicks out at two point nine!
Nobody drags himself to the corner, clutching his head and trying to shake off the cobwebs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore California Champion Joey Little Horse comes running in and smashes Nobody with a corner clothesline.
Joe Nobody staggers out of the corner and Joey Little Horse irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse spins Nobody in the air with a tiltawhirl suplex!
Phillip Blauer: Nobody is feeling the pressure now. No wait…somebody is feeling the pressure, and it’s Nobody. Wait…dammit!
Joey Little Horse climbs to the top turnbuckle, but Joe Nobody runs over and slugs him in the stomach, crotching Little Horse on the turnbuckle steel cable hook
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody climbs to the second turnbuckle for a superplex, but Little Horse hits him on the top of the head with a tomahawk chop! Little Horse goes up and over with a Greeting From Charlotte sunset tigerbomb!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody claps his legs together on Little Horse’s head!
The Denver fans cheer and Joey Little Horse is beside himself in rage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse grabs Nobody by the leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab. He sits down low trying to bust his knee out. Joe Nobody is too far from the ropes and cannot reach them.
The Ball Arena rocks with jeers. Little Horse wrenches back on the leg doing as much damage as he can. Nobody does anything he can to fight out of it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Once Little Horse started to feel his grip slip he stepped out and then stomped that knee into the mat for good measure.
Phillip Blauer: That is good measure.
Joe writhes around on the mat clutching his knee. Joey Little Horse keeps up the action with a couple of forearm clubs and stomps to the back.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse pulls Nobody up by the hair and scoops him up, dropping him into a hard backbreaker. Little Horse keeps the pressure by pushing Nobody’s body down over his knee attempting to hyperextend the spine.
Nobody yells out in pain and struggles against the hold, finally getting a leg free. He uses that free leg to kick Horse in the head.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After a few well placed strikes, Joe Nobody is free and he gets back to his feet but has the damage been done?
Phillip Blauer: Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention, has what been done?
Joey Little Horse shakes off the blows and goes for a tie up. Nobody hits a few elbows to the midsection and backs Horse up to the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody goes behind looking for a german suplex but his back and knee hurt him too much and he can’t lift him.
Phillip Blauer: We all have problems.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse staggers Nobody with a back elbow. Nobody drills Little Horse with a european uppercut! He sets up for a fisherman’s buster, but Nobody’s knee buckled a bit on the first lift!
Joe Nobody lets out a warriors scream and the Detroit native hoists Joey up and transitions into an orange crush powerbomb
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse claps his legs together on Nobody’s head!
Nobody is shocked and the Joey from North Carolina gets up onto spaghetti legs and a far away look in his eyes. Nobody pounds the pain out of his knee and signals that it’s all over for the valiant Joey Little Horse
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody gets a quick bounce off the ropes and runs in and nails the Denial of Perfection running STO smack dab in the middle of the ring!! Joe hooks both legs and pins him tight!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Denver fans cheer and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays as Joe Nobody pumps his fist. Kelly O’Connell raises his arm as he tries to catch his breath
Greg Jin: “At 14 minutes 6 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…JOE NOBODY!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody with another huge win over the Hardkore California Champion “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse in a non-title match.
Phillip Blauer: Doesn’t count.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes it does. Nobody so far undefeated here in Hardkore World, and both Little Horse as well as Hardkore West Coast Champion “The High Roller” Wesley Crane would do well to look out for him.
Joey Little Horse grabs his Hardkore California Championship and clutches it to his chest. He walks down the aisle saying “I’m still champ!” The fan that Joe Nobody gave the fedora to gives hm a thumbs down
Chemtrails…Area 51…the JFK Assassination…
What else is the government lying to us about? What’s real? And what’s a government coverup?
Open on a dark parking garage. The camera pans over to a dark corner. The orange glow of a cigarette is the only thing you can see, until a man in a fedora and trenchcoat steps out of the shadow
Man: Maybe all we’ve been told about tanning beds causing skin cancer is just another example of the government telling you what you can and can’t have? But I’m not telling you anything. Do your own research and see what you decide about your God given tanning freedoms.
The man drops the cigarette and steps on it
Man: Your cocoa brown complexion could depend on it.
Brought to you by Tropical Tans 4 You, off Highway 74 next to Swinging Waterbed Emporium
Fade back up on Guillermo O’Bannon and Phil Blauer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Up next is a match that should surely be a clash of styles, The Sheik taking on Callum Cornwall.
Phillip Blauer: Part of me wants to see that young kid’s face smashed in with a chair, and yet another big part of me wants to see The Sheik get embarrassed by the young upstart. As the kids say “The struggle is real.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kids don’t say that anymore.
Phillip Blauer: They don’t? What do they say?
Yolanda Ando: Phil sucks.
Phillip Blauer: They do not. Do they? But I’m so hip and mod.
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis plays and the Denver fans cheer loudly. “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall has every right to be angry. He lost his Hardkore California title to “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023 after Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen was injured in San Jose. He had no ability to prepare for his opponent, and was blindsided by the late entry.
Phillip Blauer: Look, you gotta be able to adapt in this business.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What about the time you walked out when the vending machine in Fresno didn’t have Sprite?
Phillip Blauer: 7 Up is only to be used medicinally for tummy aches.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then what about the time you left Reno because you sneezed when you peed?
Phillip Blauer: There was no telling what kind of damage I did to myself! You’re mixing multiple systems there.
Yolanda Ando: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall wears simple wrestling boots and black tights that have tentacles painted on them in gold.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. But Cornwall can’t worry about getting his belt back from Little Horse tonight, he’s got all he can handle from the wild Sheik. He felt disrespected by The Sheik and says he will not be ignored.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Salford in the United Kingdom; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Denver fans pop. The Sheik runs out like a wild animal with Malcolm Xavier Graves trying to control him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And The Sheik does not look to be in a good place mentally.
Phillip Blauer: And that’s probably not a good thing for The Squid physically.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No. Sheik had very little to say this month, and prefers to do his talking inside the ring.
The Sheik tears away from Malcolm Xavier Graves and runs towards the ring
Greg Jin: “Accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves…”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik attacks Callum Cornwall before the bell!!
Phillip Blauer: Our hero, ladies and gentleman.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A vicious clothesline from behind sends Cornwall through the ropes out onto the floor!
The Sheik dives through the ropes out after him. He walks over and starts stomping a retreating Cornwall as Malcolm Xavier Graves insults The Salford Squid. The Sheik shouts something to MXG who then rushes toward the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik picks Cornwall up and hits a suplex in the aisleway!!
The Sheik then mounts his opponent and lays in some hard punches. Malcolm Xavier Graves returns with a steel chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik uses that chair to choke Cornwall!
Phillip Blauer: You know, you can hit people with those too.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, The Sheik is well aware of that. He stands up and hits an Arabian Skullcrusher on Cornwall!!
The Sheik throws the chair aside and drags Cornwall toward the ring. The Sheik then picks Cornwall up and rolls him into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik makes the cover, but the match hasn’t even begun!
Phillip Blauer: Dummy.
Tommy Milligan tells Guillermo and Phil that the match is a no contest.
Phillip Blauer: What?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan saying that this match is a no contest.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think so, I distinctly heard him brag about his new glow Tron vest. Look at him, being so smug.
The fans boo as Malcolm Xavier Graves climbs up onto the apron to protest. The Sheik begins screaming at the referee and insulting him in Arabic
Phillip Blauer: I think one of those is the F word.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Salford Squid pulls himself up using the ropes and motions for the Sheik to fight him. What an indomitable fighting spirit!
Tommy Milligan runs over to Cornwall to discuss his decision. Cornwall nods, then Milligan tells Guillermo and Phil that Callum Cornwall will fight
Phillip Blauer: No, Tommy I will not get you a Sprite. I’m working!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, he said The Squid will fight and we are on!
The Sheik vs. "The Salford Squid" Callum Cornwall
The bell is rung, and the Sheik runs over and knees Cornwall in the stomach.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall doubles over and is planted with a DDT by the Sheik!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
The Sheik curses, then slaps the Squid in the face
Phillip Blauer: I have a recurring dream where I do that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik climbs the ropes and comes off with a diving leg drop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik picks the Squid up and backs him into the ropes. The Sheik shoots Cornwall across the ring, then takes him down with a clothesline.
The Sheik runs to the corner, then hops up to the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik backflips off the top turnbuckle with a moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik trying to put away The Squid early but Cornwall is out yet. As Cornwall rolls over onto his stomach, the Sheik applies the LeBell Lock!
The Squid yells out in pain as the Sheik wrenches back in the hold. Tommy Milligan checks in but The Squid won’t give up. Malcolm Xavier Graves laughs at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik rocking back in his head and arm, but now The Squid begins to drag himself using his feet and his one free arm.
The Denver crowd is cheering for The Squid to make it. The Squid inches closer and closer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Before he can grab the ropes, The Sheik releases the hold and hits a double ax-handle smash to the back of Cornwall’s head! The Sheik tosses Cornwall to the outside!
The Sheik steps through the ropes and stands on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits a leg drop off the apron onto Cornwall on the outside of the ring!!
The ringsiders chant “SHEIK!! SHEIK!! SHEIK!!” but he ignores them
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik goes back to the LeBell Lock out on the floor! The Squid can do nothing but suffer!
Phillip Blauer: That’s all he’s good for anyway.
The Sheik continues to wrench back on Cornwall’s head and arm, but MXG comes over and tells him to release it and he does. Sheik pulls him up by the hair and tosses the Squid back into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik flips over the top with a somersault leg drop! The Sheik doesn’t make a cover, but backs away from Cornwall.
Phillip Blauer: What’s the hubbub, bub?
The Sheik screams something in Arabic as Malcolm Xavier Graves begins clapping. Cornwall struggles to get to his feet. He finally pulls himself up, but has to hold onto the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m not sure what The Sheik has planned but Callum’s legs are wobbly as he shakes his head unaware of the catastrophe that awaits him. The Squid turns around as the Sheik goes for the Scimitar, but Cornwall ducks the kick and hits a desperation pele kick!
The Denver fans pop as The Sheik stumbles back. Squid hits a dropkick to his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik drops to a knee and shakes his head as he’s still feeling the pele kick. The Squid scrambles up and hits a discus elbow smash!
The Sheik remains up after catching himself with his left arm. The Sheik steadies himself on his knee as the Squid leaps up to the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Squid comes off with a missile dropkick that finally takes the Sheik down!!
The fans cheer on the Squid tries to capitalize on his momentum. Malcolm Xavier Graves screams instructions to The Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall gets up and drives his knee into the Sheik’s face. The Squid pulls down both knee pads and hits a jumping double knee smash to the Sheik’s face!
…ONE!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik kicking out with authority there. Cornwall mounts the Sheik and punches away with a flurry of fists until Tommy Milligan forces the break.
The Squid takes the chance to pull up his knee pads as the Sheik gets up. The Squid plays the crowd and then kicks the Sheik in the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Salford Squid is looking for the Confidence of Syberus with the single underhook, but The Sheik throws the Squid into the corner.
The Sheik catches Cornwall with an overhead chop that floors the Squid and then applies a camel clutch
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik quickly applies the Last Crusade! But Cornwall is close enough to the ropes to grab one and force a break. Milligan asking Sheik to break The Last Crusade, but he won’t!
Phillip Blauer: That’s his prerogative.
Tommy Milligan begins the count and gets to four before The Sheik releases The Last Crusade
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s clear the Sheik knew the Squid was too close to the ropes, but just wanted to assert his dominance. The Sheik now just applies the Last Crusade again!
The Sheik locks his fingers underneath Callum’s chin and reaches back on his head and neck. Cornwall gets the break a little slower this time, but manages to get his foot on the bottom rope. Tommy Milligan starts counting again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, the Sheik holds on until he is one count from disqualification.
Malcolm Xavier Graves leans on the apron to taunt the Squid. The Squid rolls out of the ring. As he doubles over due to the effects of the Last Crusade, MXG gets closer to tell Cornwall how hopeless things are for him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Squid reaches out and grabs MXG by the collar!! He is tired of Graves’ mouth!
Phillip Blauer: Everyone is, but you don’t mess with another man’s collar. It’s just the rules.
The Denver fans cheer as the Squid throws back his fist
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tries to get involved and come to the rescue, but the Squid ducks. The Sheik stops short of hitting Graves. He turns around and is hit with an enziguri as the Squid springboards off the apron!!
The Sheik falls on the apron. The Squid rolls him into the ring and plays to the fans again
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall picks The Sheik up in a single underhook and looks for the Confidence of Syberus, but The Sheik throws him onto the mat.
The Sheik tries for an elbow drop, but the Squid scrambles out of the way.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As The Sheik rises, the Squid looks for the Confidence of Syberus again, but the Sheik goes for a release Northern Lights suplex. The Squid manages to flip onto his feet to save himself, but turns around into a black mass kick known as The Scimitar!! He reapplies The Last Crusade!!
The Sheik nearly bends Callum Cornwall in half, leaning back on one knee. Tommy Milligan checks in but Cornwall refuses to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik swings for the fences and finally The Squid has to tap out to The Last Crusade!!
The bell rings and The Ball Arena cheers as “Seasons In The Abyss” by Stone Sour plays
Greg Jin: “At 11 minutes 48 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…THE SHEIK!!!”
The Sheik tears his arm away from Tommy Milligan when he tries to raise it, and he dives through the ropes out to the floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves struggles to keep up as Sheik stomps back to the locker room
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik was in such a dour mood, he attacked Callum Cornwall before the bell and got the jump on him. It was more than Squid could come back from, but he made a valiant attempt to continue.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, that was stupid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t go away, fans we have the championship matches coming up!
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Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our first championship match of the night out of three. Kilroy Evans and Marty Donovan reform The Mischief Express to try to win the belts off of The Anointed, tonight composed of Steve Awesome and Alexander Von Blankenship.
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) How many times must The Anointed prove their the greatest tag team in Hardkore World?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They’re called title defenses, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: (folds his arms) Just seems silly.
The theme from Midnight Express plays as smoke starts billowing out the curtains at the top of the entrance ramp. Suddenly the 7 year old Lil Corny comes out in a pink jacket and a red suit, with a fuzzy tennis racket. “Kiss Stealin” Kilroy Evans and and “Manly” Marty Donovan strut out in sequinned black ring jackets. The pop of the night so far, as fans crane over the railing trying to touch Marty and Kilroy
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Mischief Express back together after 15 years!
Phillip Blauer: It’s way too soon. More hotshot booking.
Kilroy slaps the fans’ hands and points to signs that say “Kiss-Stealin Kilroy” with hearts all over it, and “Marty Has Walt Disney’s Corpse”. Marty takes the tennis racket away from the seven year old child and uses it to cut his way through the audience’s hands and arms to the ringside area. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. protects Lil Corny through the fans out to ringside as well. Kilroy stays behind and points at The Rat Boy sign someone is holding
Phillip Blauer: I know he thinks it’s funny to mock a child…
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s in his early twenties, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: A wee babe.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan already holding the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championships with Florida Man after winning a tournament in New York City, defeating The New Untouchables, Wesley Crane’s henchmen Rage & Cage, and The Brothers Gluck.
Phillip Blauer: He won UK titles in New York? They should throw that out immediately.
Yolanda Ando: Under those ring jackets, Marty Donovan is wearing a puce speedo with the Disney Plus logo on it. He also wears Bryan Danielson style boots and kick pads with the signature Disney D on the knees. Kilroy wears a black “I Accuse My Parents” MST 3000 t-shirt with sneakers and jeans.
Kilroy Evans and Marty get in the ring as Lil Corny waves the tennis racket at the fans.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty looking to counter Hasbulla being at ringside, by coming down to the ring with Lil Corny.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure Child Protective Services would love to hear about Marty having a child for a backup for a fight with two trained athletes and a grown man.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, we cleared this. Are you kidding me? It’s Colorado, Phil. Dog the Bounty Hunter had 11 year olds chasing meth heads down alleyways. But Marty also wants to show his gratitude to Kilroy for standing by him, even when he was allowing The Anointed to hurt him and The Society of the New Breed. He also would love to take those Hardkore World Tag Team Championships from the group that violently kicked him out.
Phillip Blauer: Just like when I kicked the Mickey’s corn dogs out of him at The Hardkore BBQ.
Yolanda Ando: Why were you guys naked?
Phillip Blauer: I was very clear about the reasons for all the accidental pantsing with Talent Relations and Judy Valentine Jr. and she seem to buy it…, I mean, believe me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Can we have one picnic where you don’t wind up naked?
Phillip Blauer: It doesn’t seem to be in the cards.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy says that The Anointed have a ‘CVS size receipt’ coming for what they’ve done to Marty, Dan, The Sheik and himself. He defeated Steve Awesome in the Sadistic Madness match at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023, and now he’s looking to take his Hardkore World Tag Team Championship.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! Your referee is Richie ‘Pee Wee’ Richardson…”
Lil Corny taps Greg’s hip and motions for the microphone. Greg smiles and bends down and hands it to him
Lil Corny: “Denver - you have so many mountains! On my way over here, I looked up at the sky, and though I was IN Doom! SOOOO MANY! I am so jealous, you are very lucky to live here!”
The audience cheers while Marty and Kilroy motion for them to get louder
Lil Corny: “Good night!"
The child starts to leave, before remembering he has a job to finish.
Phillip Blauer: This is ridiculous. That child should be in bed. He probably has a coal mine or a lye factory to get to in the morning.
Lil Corny: “Oh yeah, the champions! Mister Marty is so manly that you may have hot flashes, but don't try to kiss him! Because Mister Kilroy will try to steal them. He has a real problem. ........but not as bad a problem as their opponents, whose problem has a name…THE MISCHIEF EXPRESS!!!”
The Denver crowd drowns out Lil Corny at the end cheering for Marty and Kilroy
All the lights in The Ball Arena die out and some of the fans in attendance start chanting Steve Awesome’s name.
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Dramatic Pause.
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in The Ball Arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones. Alexander Von Blankenship steps out from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. He holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face. Hasbulla comes out blowing his whistle over and over
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her won't you tell her for me/
It's better this way to avoid all the misery
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed unified the Hardkore World Tag Team belts by defeating “The Punisher” Dan Stein and Marty Donovan in that brutal dog collar cage match at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023.
Phillip Blauer: That’s right, you don’t see Dan The Man around that much anymore, do you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, he sustained a back injury in that match. He’ll be back.
Phillip Blauer: An elbow surgery here, a back injury there. When is he going to realize his body is slowly betraying him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: You know, he’s watching.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think they get us in Michigan.
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. AVB looks out at the crowd, his smirk now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring, Von Blankenship points to fans holding signs that has a possum dressed as Steve Awesome that says “Steve Possum” “Rat Boy”, and “The Annoying”, stating loudly "I'm better than you, you, and you!" as he goes. Hasbulla whistles at the fans, demanding they be kicked out, doing the referee “ejection” motion
Guillermo O’Bannon: It drives Steve Awesome up a wall that Kilroy Evans beat him in that terribly bloody Sadistic Madness match at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023.
Phillip Blauer: The man is a two time X Crown winner and a NCW Hall of Famer. Imagine being pinned to the mat by someone like Kilroy. Now he knows what a Slim Jim that fell behind the couch cushion feels.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship says the reason they took The Anointed away from Marty was that he wasn’t as cutthroat as AVB, Wesley Crane, and Steve Awesome, as they proved after the WarGames match in Seattle back in May.
Phillip Blauer: AVB coming in hot with the hard facts. Marty is a sociopath who uses people, and now it’s Kilroy’s turn. Kilroy is an illiterate that abandoned Sheik, who went through great pains to begin to trust anyone other than MXG. Together, they have no hope at unseating the greatest pairing since Sunny & somas..
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy did not abandon The Sheik, they had different opponents tonight is all.
Phillip Blauer: See, you don’t have any friends, so you don’t get it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I have friends.
Phillip Blauer: Who?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jackie and I are supposed to go mini-golfing tomorrow.
The camera nods its head. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him. Meanwhile, AVB walks up the steps to the ring, and stops before he gets inside. He gives the ring the sign of the cross
Phillip Blauer: My good man is trying to exorcize the ring of the bad ju ju left by The Sheik and that Squid Kid.
Yolanda Ando: Steve Awesome wears a black leather jacket with green frills hanging off in various places. He has on some classic aviator sunglasses with neon green tights with a bunch of black sparkly "SA"'s patterned on his tights similar to HBK. On the butt, it says "Awesome" inside a heart. He has black kneepads with the logo on each knee and black and green boots. His wristbands are black with green trim. Alexander Von Blankenship wears dark blue Adidas sweatpants, shirtless, with his hands taped like a boxer, with AVB written across the knuckles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda.
Steve Awesome spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him. Meanwhile, AVB walks up the steps to the ring, and stops before he gets inside. He gives the ring the sign of the cross
Guillermo O’Bannon: To show you the lengths that Steve Awesome has gone to cope with his loss at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023, he went to dog trainer and occupational reality show star Cesar Milan for help on how to control Kilroy like a dog.
Phillip Blauer: I wasn’t there because Cesar Milan still has major heat with me from when his chihuahua killed my swan, Champagne back when we were neighbors. There were lawyers, judgements, arson, arson investigations, arson investigators going missing, it was a whole thing.
Hasbulla is in the ring, blowing his whistle repeatedly while pointing at Lil Corny, who seems scared. Alexander Von Blankenship climbs to the outside turnbuckle, and looks towards the entire crowd. He holds up his Hardkore World Tag Team Championship and yells out "Always Very Blessed!" before jumping down into the ring. He stares down Marty and Kilroy, with a arrogant grin
Greg Jin: “And their opponents are accompanied to the ring by Hasbulla! Featuring first, from Amsterdam in The Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall and Weighing 215 pounds…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!! His partner is from Detroit, Michigan, He stands 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds; He is The Current XHF HARDCORE CHAMPION…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!! They are THE HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE ANOINTED!!!”
The Denver crowd boos as Awesome and Von Blankenship hold up their Hardkore World Tag Team title belts. Kilroy stares right though Steve Awesome, who breaks eye contact and starts conferring with Hasbulla and Von Blankenship
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship
Steve Awesome and Kilroy Evans elect to start out. Steve Awesome goes to lock up, but Kilroy catches him coming in with a snap mare
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Kiss Stealin’” Kilroy goes for a reverse chinlock, but Steve Awesome slips out and goes over the top with a chinlock of his own.
Kilroy tries to escape but Steve cinches it in and pressures him lower to the ground. Lil Corny starts slapping the canvas and the fans start clapping
Guillermo O’Bannon: This Colorado crowd is trying to root on Kilroy early on in this match, and it’s worked, Kilroy is already on his feet. Evans rocks Awesome with an elbow to his stomach.
Another elbow to the stomach frees Kilroy from the reverse chinlock. Evans grabs an armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Kilroy Evans was here in Denver, Colorado was 19 years ago when he defeated “God’s Gift” Jeremiah Vastrix. He tightens up on Steve Awesome’s arm, and tries to wrench it out of its socket.
Richie Richardson checks in but Steve Awesome refuses to submit. Kilroy Evans sinks his teeth into Awesome’s fingers. Steve screams in pain as The Ball Arena pops
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy Evans trying to hit Steve Awesome in the pocketbook by biting those fingers, knowing he has hand modeling gigs in the wings. Mob Adjacent Pinky Rings has a five commercial deal with him for the next Super Bowl.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy chews on Awesome’s fingers! He gives Steve’s arm another twist and tags in Marty.
The Denver crowd roars as Marty Donovan steps up to the second turnbuckle. He jumps off with a double ax handle, hitting Awesome’s twisted arm. Steve Awesome snatches his arm back to his stomach, holding it close to his body
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Manly” Marty Donovan grabs Awesome by the legs and drops him into an inverted atomic drop.
Steve Awesome clutches his balls as Donovan runs into the ropes. He takes Awesome out with a sling blade! Donovan grabs an armbar with a headscissors
Guillermo O’Bannon: Pluma blanca!! Marty stretches out that arm while clamping down on the head in that leglock.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in but Steve refuses to give up. Marty starts talking trash to Awesome
Marty Donovan: “You think you’re a Gaston, but you’re just the heel chef from Ratatouille.”
The audience lets out a collective “OH!”
Phillip Blauer: That was really unnecessary.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He calls them as he sees them. Steve Awesome reaches out and is able to grab the ropes.
Richie Richardson tells Marty to release the pluma blanca. Marty shakes his head and clamps down on his head and arm. The fans cheer as Richardson lays in the count
Phillip Blauer: Where’s your “Oh, come on!” here?? Marty Donovan blatantly breaking the rules here, but not a peep from old Gustavo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty breaks the pluma blanca by the count of five. He pulls Steve up by the hair and irish whips him into the turnbuckles. He follows in but Steve is waiting for him with a boot the the face!
The cheers turn to jeers as a stunned Donovan falls into the turnbuckles. Steve Awesome goes to the kitty corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome charges in with a stinger splash!
The crowd boos. Marty sinks into the corner, and Awesome backs up into the diagonal corner again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome charges in with a bronco buster!
Phillip Blauer: Look at those bankable movie star member of The Anointed’s genitals grinding on Marty’s face! It must be excruciating in more ways than one.
Steve Awesome does an exaggerated crotch chop and The Ball Arena rocks with boos. He walks over to Alexander Von Blankenship and tags him in. The fans heckle AVB as he steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship stomps Marty Donovan in the corner, over and over.
The jeers get louder and AVB takes a second to wave on the fans to boo him even more. Von Blankenship stomps Marty again as he’s lying against the bottom turnbuckle. Hasbulla blows his whistle over and over. He gets on top of Donovan in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB bludgeons Marty in the corner with stiff right hands!
The fans chant “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” and Alexander Von Blankenship pauses, looking around The Ball Arena at all of them. AVB kisses his fist and the boos rain down
Phillip Blauer: What is wrong with these people? He is a human being. With feelings and emotions.
Von Blankenship pulls Marty Donovan up to his feet in the corner and smacks him with a hard chop to the chest. Another chop gets some boos from the Denver audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship smacks Marty Donovan with another blistering chop. He irish whips him, but Marty reverses it and shoots AVB into the turnbuckles. He comes in with a head of steam with a corner dropkick!
Marty Donovan sweeps AVB’s legs out with a leg sweep. He steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan slingshots himself over the ropes into a dropkick while Von Blankenship sits against the bottom turnbuckle!!
The Ball Arena lets out another “OH!” as AVB’s head rocks back from the impact. Marty tags in Kilroy Evans, who pulls Von Blankenship up into a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan hits AVB with a clothesline while Kilroy Evans drops him in a german suplex!
…ONE!
…(Alexander Von Blankenship rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans scoops Alexander Von Blankenship up and starts walking him around the ring, similar to how his father, Rat Bastard used to.
Phillip Blauer: Again, getting needlessly personal here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He fallaway slams AVB across the ring!
The audience roars, recognizing the Rat Bastard reference. Kilroy Evans comes over to AVB, but Blankenship goes for a kick, however Kilroy catches his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans dragon screws him to the mat. Alexander Von Blankenship gets up but walks right into a drop toehold.
Kilroy floats over into a side headlock. On the outside, Lil Corny applauds, then pounds his tennis racket into the apron. However, AVB slips his head out and gets to his feet. While Evans is on the mat, Von Blankenship stomps the back of Kilroy’s knee. Evans howls in pain, as he holds his knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship holds on to those ropes for balance and stomps Kilroy’s knee again.
Hasbulla blows his whistle incessantly. Kilroy pulls himself up to his feet, but AVB goes low and catches his leg, twisting Evans knee with a dragon screw of his own. He tags in Steve Awesome and then irish whips Kilroy into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome lays Kilroy out with a high leg clothesline!
Awesome slaps the back of Kilroy’s head. He chuckles to himself and says “Bad dog!” then slaps Evans again in the back of the head
Phillip Blauer: I know it looks bad, but you have to get their respect early, or they start shitting everywhere.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome slaps Kilroy in the back of the head again!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
The rest of the Denver crowd drowns them out with boos. Awesome picks him up in an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulls him up and over with a reverse suplex!
Kilroy holds his chest and rolls over onto his back. Lil Corny tries to yell some encouraging words to him from ringside. Awesome backs Kilroy into the turnbuckles, and laces Evans’ leg through the second and top rope. Steve backs up into another corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome gets a running start and knees Kilroy in the side of the knee.
Kilroy grimaces in pain, but then grabs Awesome by the shoulders and switches places with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy climbs up the turnbuckles and starts raining punches down on Steve Awesome!
The Ball Arena counts along to ten, and then Kilroy gets down. Steve Awesome walks away, perfectly fine
Phillip Blauer: See? It’ll take more than that to…
Steve Awesome falls flat on his face, popping the crowd
Phillip Blauer: Oh.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans scoops Steve Awesome up and drops that arm that was in the pluma blanca into a shoulderbreaker.
Awesome holds his shoulder and kicks his toes into the mat in pain. Kilroy tags in Marty and then irish whips Awesome into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy drop toe holds Awesome onto the ropes near his corner and Marty follows up with a dropkick to the back of the head! They’re getting their old Mischief Express timing down.
Phillip Blauer: Careful, if Marty starts feeling too much like the old him, he’ll no show every other town.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty atomic drops Awesome’s feet on the top rope, turns around, and then drops down into a rope held neckbreaker!
Steve Awesome sits up in pain, clutching the back of his neck. The crowd cheers and Marty feeds off their energy, screaming
Marty Donovan: “I LOVE DISNEY PLUS!!!”
Phillip Blauer: There’s such a thing as too much brand awareness…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty hammerlocks Awesome’s arm behind him, single overhooks his arm, and lifts him up into a gloria on Steve’s chicken winged arm!
Steve Awesome nurses his left arm, holding it close to his body. Marty Donovan lifts Awesome up by the hair while the audience chants “MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan tosses Steve Awesome over the ropes to the floor below!
Phillip Blauer: Oof, Steve did not look like he landed well.
Hasbulla blows his whistle repeatedly, demanding a disqualification from Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Alexander Von Blankenship goes over to the apron to check on his partner. Kilroy Evans steps through the ropes into the ring, and then gets on his hands and knees by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan gets a running start and uses Kilroy’s back as a springboard as he jumps onto the middle of the top rope and hits The Anointed with a somersault senton!!
The Ball Arena erupts as all Donovan, Von Blankenship, and Awesome lie on the floor. Hasbulla obnoxiously blows his whistle some more. Kilroy Evans steps through the ropes out on to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship gets up but Kilroy catches him from behind with a bulldog off the apron onto the railing!!
Marty Donovan rolls back onto the apron. He hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault reverse DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reedy Creek Racing on the floor!!
Steve Awesome tries to crawl under the ring but Kilroy Evans grabs him by the legs and turns him over onto his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans slingshots Awesome facefirst into the underside of the ring!
Phillip Blauer: Great, three months from now, we’re going to find out that’s why Dan Stein’s foot went through the canvas since Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. isn’t going to fix it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy picks up a chair and smashes AVB over the head with it!!
The Denver fans let out a collective “OH!” and AVB goes down like a redwood. Marty Donovan is near the front row, giving a young kid some passes to California Adventure.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Aw, that’s nice.
Phillip Blauer: They probably expire today.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Probably, but it’s the thought that counts.
Steve Awesome gets up, and Kilroy jams the top of the chair into his shoulder. Evans then turns his attention to AVB
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans now jams the top of that chair into the kneecap of Von Blankenship!
Phillip Blauer: Someone get that chair away from him! He’s gonna kill us all!
Alexander Von Blankenship sits up, howling in pain. Kilroy lifts up the chair again, but Steve Awesome superkicks it into his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome Thigh Slapper Superkicked that chair right into Kilroy’s face, and he is laid out!!
Marty Donovan turns around from handing out free California Adventure tickets and is caught with a canadian destroyer DDT by Steve Awesome
Guillermo O’Bannon: Flip of the Franchise on the concrete!!
Steve Awesome kips up and soaks in the boos from the Denver fans. Meanwhile, Alexander Von Blankenship pulls himself up by the apron. Awesome rolls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty crawls back onto the apron, and Steve Awesome tags in Alexander Von Blankenship. AVB goes over to the ropes, and pulls Donovan up for a suplex over the ropes back into the ring, but halts, and bounces Marty’s feet off the top rope for a slingshot suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Alexander Von Blankenship butterflies Marty Donovan’s arms and lifts him up into an angel’s wings
Guillermo O’Bannon: Purification!!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB scoops Marty up and tosses him across the ring with a fallaway slam!
The Ball Arena rocks with boos and AVB sits up, with his arms up, smiling. He pulls Donovan up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes, catching him with a spinebuster
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship irish whips Marty into the ropes, he ducks down for a backdrop, but Marty goes up and over with a sunset flip into an anklelock! Tinto's Trap!
Lil Corny aka Tinto pounds on the apron in celebration! Alexander Von Blankenship reaches out for the ropes while Hasbulla blows his whistle in protest
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Mischief Express has been targeting that leg of AVB for the entire match and Marty swinging for the fences here to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles!
Phillip Blauer: The way that little fella…
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a shot of Lil Corny
Phillip Blauer: Not that one, the other one.
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of Hasbulla blowing his whistle
Phillip Blauer: That’s my guy. The way he’s blowing that whistle, it tends to make me believe something illegal has been done to procure that Tinto’s Trap. It’s worth looking into.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No it isn’t. “Manly” Marty Donovan wraps his legs around AVB’s leg and drops down into an on the mat version of Tinto’s Trap!
Alexander Von Blankenship desperately reaches out towards Hasbulla. Hasbulla climbs up the ring steps over to the ropes and hands Von Blankenship something
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hasbulla just handed AVB something, Danny get a shot of that!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close-up of Von Blankenship’s hand which now has a small chain wrapped around it
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s a chain! AVB has a chain right now, and Marty is completely unaware!
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure the little guy was just returning it. I imagine covets shiny things.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship kicks his way out of the Tinto’s Trap. Marty comes over and tries to pull him up, but AVB blasts him in the face with that chain around his fist!!
The Ball Arena rocks with boos, and Marty lies out. AVB holds his knee, and struggles to crawl to his corner. Suddenly, Lil Corny slides into the ring and the crowd roars
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Lil Corny!! He’s seen all he can stands and he can’t stands no more!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
The volatile Hasbulla asks Corny if he wants to go. Corny cocks his tennis racket, and they both charge each other
Phillip Blauer: Catfight…or, kitten fight!!!
Hasbulla punches Lil Corny, stopping him immediately. The 7 year old child’s face turns from shock…then a grimace…then a long, wailing cry
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on. He punches a child?
Phillip Blauer: A child that’s nearly twice the size of him!
Kilroy Evans rolls into the ring to go after Hasbulla, but Steve Awesome grabs him from behind with a crossface chicken wing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans tries to intervene on behalf of Lil Corny, but Steve grabs him in The Awesome Lock!!
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers.
Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s El Rey!! Former X Crown Champion! What is he doing here?
El Rey looks around soaking up his first Hardkore pop before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, it’s El Rey!! The former X Man Champion! What is he doing here!?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I just said that.
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) You had no idea who this was. The rascal had a mask! Besides, isn’t our roster getting a little bloated as it is?
El Rey slides into the ring and Hasbulla backs up, and hides behind a limping Alexander Von Blankenship
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey was visiting some friends in the back, and I’m sure he saw Hasbulla strike a child, and no one is going to stand for that!
AVB throws his arms up asking El Rey if he wants to do something about it. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson has had enough and tries to eject both Hasbulla and Lil Corny from the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey walks right up to AVB…but walks right past him?
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson El Rey pulls Marty up and pulls his head into his legs. While Richardson has his back turned, El Rey lifts Donovan up and slams him face first into a styles clash
Guillermo O’Bannon: What?? He just hit The Legacy Killer on Marty Donovan!!
Phillip Blauer: What a great addition to the Hardkore roster!
The Denver fans boo and El Rey rolls out of the ring with a huge smile on his face. Steve Awesome crossface chicken wing suplexes Kilroy
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesomeplex on Kilroy Evans!! AVB smirks and rolls Marty over, making the cover!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is ridiculous. Is El Rey the newest member of The Anointed?
Phillip Blauer: Looks that way! And I for one couldn’t be happier! I hope he decides to keep the mask off. It’s confusing to some of the viewers.
“Blessed Up” by Wande plays and El Rey rolls into the ring to celebrate with AVB and Steve Awesome
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 43 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE ANOINTED!!!”
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a shot of a hysterically crying Lil Corny as Kilroy carries him to the back. Marty staggers behind them
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey pretended to be concerned for the welfare of Lil Corny, when it was all a set-up to keep the Hardkore World Tag Team titles in The Anointed. What a piece of work.
“The High Roller” Wesley Crane joins AVB, El Rey, Hasbulla and Awesome in the ring and they raise their arms under showers of jeers and heckling from the Denver fans. Hasbulla jumps up and down, blowing his whistle
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Seattle this past May, The Anointed was torn in half. They seemingly have regained full strength with the stunning introduction of El Rey.
Trash starts being hurled into the ring as El Rey stands on the middle of the second rope, inviting their hatred. Phil gets hit with a half full cup of Cherry Pepsi
Phillip Blauer: Hey kid, learn to throw!
Guillermo O’Bannon: We urge the fans not to throw debris into the ring, but they can’t help it…
Phillip Blauer: True, they are mountain folk.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, I am talking about the disgusting display they just watched, and the miscarriage of justice they just paid to attend.
Phillip Blauer: Agree to disagree.
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and his team have to clear a way through the booing fans to escort The Anointed to the locker room
Guillermo O’Bannon: Look at the expression on their faces, they are loving this!
Phillip Blauer: They love the heat, baby. Give em some more.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Larry’s probably going to have to arrange a police escort to Denver airport after this. Don’t go away, fans, we still have two title matches ahead, with the West Coast title match between “The High Roller” Wesley Crane and Simon Cruise as well as the 60 minute marathon match between Hardkore World Champion Cross Recoba and former champion Kalmin Watts!
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Pick your favorite Hardkore Wrestler and then do career mode! Try and win the Hardkore World Championship and then defend it!
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Matthew X vs. The Sheik!
Gandhi The Butcher vs. Cross Recoba!
The Mischief Express vs. Memphis Vice!
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With all of the signature matches like Hardkore Helloween! The LA Freeway Match! Sadistic Madness! Double Hell Match!
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next is our Hardkore West Coast Championship match between “The High Roller” Wesley Crane and Simon Cruise. Cruise won this title shot by winning a ladder match last month at Irish Rage in Belfast 2023. He’s been undefeated since arriving here on the West Coast, but now runs into his biggest challenge since coming to Hardkore World, the Hardkore World Tag Team Champion, and Hardkore West Coast Champion Wesley Crane.
Phillip Blauer: Simon Cruise thinks he has it all thought out, but Wesley Crane knows all the inside info on this skater chop, and has his number. Odds are, Crane is the sure bet!
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over the PA system. A fan in the front row has a surfboard that he holds up in the air to the beat of the song. A beach ball starts bouncing around the crowd. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue short board. If any of the Denver crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise with his first title shot here in the company where he started setting up the ring more than a decade ago. When he was setting up the rings, he always looked forward to the title defenses of former Hardkore West Coast Champions like “Flyin’ Ryan Hill, Andrew Karnage, James Fierce and “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar being some of his favorites.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t worry. When Wesley Crane is done with him, he’ll be back to selling programs in the lobby.
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Guillermo O’Bannon: He debuted in February in Oakland with a win over Dana “The Drone” Daniels, then he went on to beat Moondog Dook, Little Dragon, Biker Daddy, Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen, and Tuxedo Mask before getting an opportunity that he maximized at Irish Rage in Belfast 2023 by winning tonight’s title shot in a threeway between himself, Tux, and The Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: He should have let The Sheik get it. He will rue the day he grabbed that clipboard. Rue it, I say!
Simon Cruise slaps some hands of the fans in the front row then steps through the ropes into the ring. He flashes a hang loose sign to Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Simon Cruise believes Wesley Crane is too preoccupied with his loss in New York City where he lost his Wrestle: UK World Championship to Kalmin Watts in the hell in the cell match. Crane treated him with derision and disrespect over the weeks, and Simon believe his arrogance will be his undoing.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall, with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, the challenger; From Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds, The Big Kahuna…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Huge pop from the Denver fans as Simon Cruise smiles and loosens up in the corner. The beach ball bounces around the audience while the fan in the front row waves his surfboard.
"I'm So Paid" by Akon plays and The Ball Arena lights turn plum purple
The crowd boos as the house lights begin pulsing with the beat of “I’m So Paid”.
“Rubbing on that Italian leather
'Dem Konvict jeans on!
Ay yo Weezy! You Ready, yeah!
I get it in 'till sunrise
Doing ninety in a sixty five
Windows rolled down screaming ah!
Hey-ey-ey' I'm so paid
Number one hustla' gettin' money
Why do you wanna count my money
I'm a hustla' and I don't need them!
One of them y'all see!
I'm so paid”
The lights go back to normal and out steps “The High Roller” Wesley Crane with the Hardkore West Coast Championship wrapped around his waist and the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship slung over his shoulder. The fans boo loudly as he surveys them with contempt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane defeated Kilroy Evans for the Hardkore West Coast Championship in Portland on one of Simon Cruise’s first shows here in Hardkore World back in March. He claims to have never heard of him, failing to get his name right most of the time.
Phillip Blauer: And how would he? No Stress Wes doesn’t get here for opening matches. If there’s one thing you can take away from Bret Hart’s career it’s that only suckers show up for the curtain jerkers.
“High Roller” Wesley Crane stands on the stage and looks around at everyone. Fans hold up signs that have The Anointed’s logo but it says “The Annoying”. He lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He was devastated by the loss to Kalmin Watts for his Wrestle: UK World Championship at Night of Champions, but he plans on getting that back along with keeping his Hardkore West Coast Championship. He claims to have the ability to overwhelm Simon Cruise and easily win tonight’s match up.
Phillip Blauer: Big Brain Crane has 5 inches on this guy and lives in a penthouse from all the success he has had in this business. Simon Crane named all those guys and not one of them is half as good a West Coast Champion as The High Roller is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do you have money on this match or something?
Phillip Blauer: Blau Dog just needs a big win is all, that’ll put me back in the game.
Wesley Crane slowly makes his way to the ring, the entire time looking around at the angry fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Some of those in the crowd, seemingly still very upset by the end of the Hardkore World Tag Team title match, where El Rey cost The Mischief Express the match by joining The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: They’re still on that? Move on.
Once at ringside, Wesley Crane climbs up the steps and holds onto the ring ropes. He wipes his feet off on the ring apron before entering the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Despite being confident, Wesley Crane has scouted Simon Cruise. He has thought out counters and strategized how to dominate this match.
Once inside he stands in the center of the ring and holds his arms wide open while Simon Cruise looks at him from behind
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane has promised brutality in this match, perhaps to send a message to Kalmin Watts but also to protect his Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS and The Current HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…“THE HIGH ROLLER” WESLEY CRANE!!!”
The boos are resounding as Wesley Crane holds up both championships
Hardkore West Coast Championship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane and Simon Cruise lock up. Crane pushes down on him, but Simon grabs a side headlock.
Simon Cruise wrenches the headlock in, putting pressure on the temple. Crane tries to escape, but Cruise has it locked in
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane pushes Cruise off of the headlock into the ropes. Cruise comes back and hits Wesley with a shoulderblock, but Crane knocks him to the mat!
Phillip Blauer: Wesley Crane said he was going to physically dominate him.
The Denver fans boo. Simon Cruise gets up and smiles at Wesley Crane, who returns a grin. Cruise challenges Crane to try the same thing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane hits the ropes, but when he comes in, Cruise arm drags him! Wesley gets up, but gets caught in another lightning fast arm drag.
Wesley Crane gets up a third time, but Simon Cruise catches him with a dropkick then applies an armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise has Wesley Crane on the mat with that armbar.
Wesley Crane complains to Kelly O’Connell about a hairpull. Kelly asks Cruise if he pulled the hair and he shakes his head
Phillip Blauer: Liar.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise pulls back on that arm, trying to pull it out of its socket.
Crane refuses to give up and rolls on his back onto his feet, with Cruise hanging on to the armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane reaches through Simon’s legs and scoops him up for a bodyslam, but Cruise inside cradles him on the way down!
…ONE!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane rolls to his feet and cracks Simon Cruise with a right hand. He grabs him by the hair and pops him with another hard jab to the face.
Wesley Crane slugs him in the stomach, backing him into the ropes. He rocks Cruise in the jaw with a european uppercut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane trying to gain control of this match by switching to brawling. He grabs Cruise by the hair and drops down into a jawbreaker!
Crane clutches his chin and drops to the mat in pain. The fans boo as Crane shakes some feeling into his arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane stomps Simon Cruise’s chest a couple of times. He pulls Cruise up by the hair and irish whips him violently into the corner!
Phillip Blauer: I think the ring moved a couple inches on that one.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane comes charging in with a hard knee to the stomach.
The audience chants “Crane Sucks! Crane Sucks! Crane Sucks!” but Wesley ignores them as he grabs Simon in a front facelock and steps onto the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane jumps off the second turnbuckle with a tornado DDT!
The impact shoots Simon up to his knees and then facedown to the mat. The jeers from The Ball Arena get louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon gets up onto his hands and knees, but Crane kicks him in the ribs.
Phillip Blauer: My father always told me never to kick a man when he’s down. Wait until he’s on his hands and knees, because more of his vital organs are exposed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s heartwarming.
The boos are at a high volume level as Cruise rolls over onto his back. Wesley Crane pulls him up into a waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise puts the breaks on a german suplex, probably too early for that, and does a go behind into his own waistlock. He goes for a suplex, of some sort, but Wesley Crane back elbows him in the face.
Phillip Blauer: The more Wesley Crane can keep this a fight instead of a wrestling match, the more likely he is to win this one.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s actually very astute.
Phillip Blauer: You’re darn tootin, cowpoke
Phil does a finger gun at Guillermo. Inside the ring, Wesley Crane sets Simon Cruise up for a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane goes for a suplex, but Simon Cruise rolls back into a small package!
…ONE!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Wesley Crane gets up and walks right into a high angle thrust kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kickflip!! Simon Cruise double stomps Crane’s chest!
Crane sits up, holding his chest, trying to get some air. Simon Cruise motions for him to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise scoops him up into a michinoku driver II!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise irish whips Crane into the corner and follows him in half a step behind with a spinning heel kick that takes Wesley up and over the ropes to the floor below!!
The crowd cheers loudly and Simon Cruise’s eyes get big as he feeds off their energy. He steps through the ropes and jumps off with a flying kneelift off the apron to Crane on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘17!!
The Denver fans erupt, chanting “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” Wesley Crane is laid out on the floor. Simon Cruise pulls Crane up by the hair and tosses him over the security rail into the audience. He yanks the railing back and slides back into the ring. Cruise runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise leaps over the ropes and hits Wesley Crane out in the crowd with a suicide dive!!
The Ball Arena explodes with wild cheering as Cruise and Wesley Crane lie amongst the overturned chairs in the third row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise gets on top of Wesley Cruise out in the audience and starts pummeling him with right hands!
Simon Cruise bludgeons Wesley Cruise with lefts and rights out in the audience. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. struggles to get through the ringside fans to get a good shot of the action
Phillip Blauer: The marks impede Jackie!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise pulls Wesley Crane up by the hair and blasts him with a big punch that knocks Crane further back into the sixth row!
A fan throws that surfboard at Wesley Crane but luckily Crane catches it. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tackles the fan to the ground and neutralizes him
Phillip Blauer: Get him, Larry! Get his ass!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, we beg the fans not to throw objects at the wrestlers.
Phillip Blauer: I disagree. All bets are off when they do that. Look at Larry ruin that man’s appearance!
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Simon Cruise running dropkicks that surfboard into Wesley Crane’s face!!
The audience pops as Crane is sprawled out on the floor. Simon Cruise takes the surfboard and lays it over him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise goes to leg drop that surfboard, but Cruise rolls out of the way!!
Wesley pulls Simon Cruise up by the hair to his feet. Cruise tries to punch him, but Crane blocks it with his forearm, and returns fire with a left jab. Another left hook by Crane jars Simon
Phillip Blauer: These two are brawling in the crowd!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane grabs Simon Cruise by the hair and rams his face into the steel guardrail!
The crowd jeers Wesley Crane, who flips them off in response. He lifts Simon Cruise up in a fireman’s carry
Phillip Blauer: I’m just glad he said it. We were all thinking it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, we weren’t. Wesley Crane death valley drivers Simon Cruise over the railing into the ringside area!!
Crane steps over the railing into the ringside area. He places Simon Cruise’s head against the ring steps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane gets a running start and knees the side of Simon Cruise’s head into those steel stairs!!
The fans let out a collective “OH!!” at the sound of Cruise’s head ringing off of those metal steps through The Ball Arena
Phillip Blauer: I just wish massive head trauma could affect someone like Simon Cruise.
Wesley Crane rolls a now busted open Simon Cruise back into the ring. A fan in the front row says something particularly offensive and Simon Cruise walks over and challenges him to a fight
Phillip Blauer: Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. needs to do something about these people.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They paid their ticket, they can say whatever they want.
Phillip Blauer: But these tickets are so cheap.
Wesley Crane climbs to the apron and pulls Cruise up by the hair to his feet next to the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: A bleeding Simon Cruise grabs Crane by the hair and drops his throat down onto the top rope!
Simon Cruise runs into the ropes as Wesley clutches his throat and struggles to catch a breath
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise cartwheels into a spinning heel kick that knocks Wesley Crane off the apron into the railing!!
Denver lets out another loud “OH!!” from Wesley Crane hitting the metal security rail. Simon pulls himself onto the middle of the top rope and springboard sentons Crane on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘18!!
The Ball Arena chants SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” as both men lie out on the concrete floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: That blood really coming out as Simon Cruise now climbs up onto the apron. He looks back to see a rising Crane, then hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault into the railing!!
The fans are jumping up and down as Crane and Cruise are in shambles next to one another
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise rolls Crane up onto the apron and climbs up there with him. But Wesley rocks him with a european uppercut and grabs him around the head and neck. Crane flips him with an exploder off the apron!!
The air goes out of The Ball Arena as Simon Cruise groans in pain on the floor, and Wesley Crane tries to recover
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane rolls Simon Cruise back into the ring. He climbs to the top turnbuckle and dives off with a flying elbow!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Simon remains on his side while he tries to collect himself. Wesley Crane pulls him up and sets him up for a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane lifts Simon Cruise up in a suplex but then drops him violently into a brainbuster! He makes a cover.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane pulls Simon Cruise up and cracks him with a right hook. Another hard hook rattles the surfer. Crane backs up and then flattens Simon with a running european uppercut!
The Denver fans jeer. Wesley Crane shakes his head, saying he isn’t done with him. Crane pulls Simon up by his bloodsoaked hair
Phillip Blauer: This is for making Wesley Crane suffer through surf antics in the Rocky Mountains!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane rears back and slugs Simon Cruise. Another shot has Cruise reeling. But Simon blocks the next volley, and counter with a sharp jab of his own. Now it’s his turn to punch Crane right in the nose!
Simon Cruise starts rapidly punching Crane and the fans are on their feet! He floors Wes with a double leg takedown
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise now on top of Crane, bashing him in the face with stiff punches!
Kelly O’Connell tries to stop Simon, but he snatches his arms back and pummels Crane some more as the fans chant “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!”
Phillip Blauer: Get in there, Kelly!
O’Connell finally convinces Simon Cruise to stop bludgeoning Wesley Crane and he walks away in frustration.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Crane uses the ropes to pull himself up, while Simon motions for him to get to his feet. Cruise runs and takes Wesley Crane out with a spinning spear
Guillermo O’Bannon: Barrel Roll!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise crosses Wesley Crane’s legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf! He reaches back and hooks Crane’s left arm as well!
The audience cheers as Cruise cranks back on Crane’s crossed legs. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Crane shakes his head, refusing to quit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise working on three out of four appendages there.
Phillip Blauer: Just seems greedy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane begins to use his one good arm to crawl towards the ropes.
Simon Cruise tries to do as much damage as he can before Crane can finally hook the bottom rope. The Ball Arena boos as Kelly O’Connell demands Cruise release the texas cloverleaf armlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: A busted open Simon Cruise pulls him up into a front facelock, but Crane blocks a DDT. Wesley stands up into a fireman’s carry and then runs across the ring for a death valley driver!
The impact sits Simon Cruise up and then Wesley Crane applies a dragon sleeper. The anger from the fans gets louder as The High Roller clasps his hands together and wrenches back on Cruise’s head and neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane goes down to one knee and sticks it into Cruise’s spine while peeling back on his head.
Wesley Crane wraps his legs around Simon Cruise’s waist and then drops back into an on the mat version of the dragon sleeper
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane rocks back on that dragon sleeper. Kelly O’Connell checks in but doesn’t get an answer from Simon. She tests his arm, but Cruise keeps it up in the air!
The Denver audience roars at Simon Cruise’s resiliency. Crane releases the dragon sleeper, and gets to his feet. He stomps Cruise a few times and then walks over to the corner. The fans jeer him as he waits for Simon to get to his feet. Wesley has a blood smear on his side from where Simon bled on him
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane nearly takes Simon Cruise out of his boots with that spear!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane goes for a superkick but Simon ducks it and counters with a Bitchin Dropkick!!
The audience comes to life as both men lie on the mat, exhausted. Simon Cruise bleeds a pool of blood on the canvas
Guillermo O’Bannon: After some agonizing moments, Simon Cruise gets to his feet. He grabs Crane by the legs, and slingshots him up into an ace cutter! Cruisin’ USA!!
The fans cheer but Simon Cruise fails to capitalize. He finally gets to a vertical base and staggers over to the corner. The Ball Arena pops as Simon looks up to the top turnbuckle
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle and then flips off with the Wave Breaker senton bomb but Wesley Crane rolls out of the way!!
The cheers turn to jeers as a wobbly Simon Cruise staggers to his feet. Wesley Crane catches him with an RKO
Guillermo O’Bannon: HRKO!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane lifts Simon Cruise up into another brainbuster and drops him on his skull!
Crane rolls his hips and pulls Simon Cruise up into another suplex position. He lifts him up and drops him in another brainbuster
Phillip Blauer: The lights are out but The High Roller just needs to be sure.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane lifts him up for a third brainbuster but Simon Cruise falls back down into an inside cradle!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Denver fans leap to their feet in celebration as “Riptide” by Vance Joy plays.
Phillip Blauer: No!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t believe it!! Simon Cruise has upset Wesley Crane and won the Hardkore West Coast Championship!!
Greg Jin: “At 27 minutes 49 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…SIMON CRUISE!!”
Wesley Crane complains to Kelly O’Connell about a fast count as Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. hands a crimson masked Simon Cruise the Hardkore West Coast Championship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise has gone from Hardkore Ring Crew to Hardkore West Coast Championship!! He watched Hardkore West Coast Champions like Big Brute ACE, Stan “Mr. Space Mountain” Nickelson, and Poke the Clown. Now he can etch his name alongside those legends!
Simon Cruise leans back on the jubilant fans in the front row against the security rail while Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of him
Phillip Blauer: Wesley Crane ruled the West Coast for 5 months and it took a fluke win to get that belt off of him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise persevered through the onslaught of Wesley Crane’s brawling and achieved a personal dream tonight.
Wesley Crane storms to the back, smacking away fans that try and touch him. A bloody Simon Cruise is back in the ring, standing on the second turnbuckle, holding up the Hardkore West Coast Championship while he bathes in the love from the 18,256 fans in The Ball Arena
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stay tuned, fans we have the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Iron Match coming up next between two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba and Kalmin Watts!
We find Barry Wimbledon, the main character of the franchise played by Steve Awesome, sitting in his zen garden. He has salt and pepper colored hair and he’s wearing regular eyeglasses.
He glances up at the dark ominous clouds rolling in.
Barry Wimbledon: “Don’t concern yourself with that Barry….”
He says to himself.
Barry Wimbledon: “….we’re not in the storm chasing business anymore.”
He takes a deep breath and goes back to relaxing.
~~~~
Cut to Barry Wimbledon walking into the familiar laboratories of StormCo.
Barry Wimbledon: “You all better be presenting me a plaque or something, because I’m retired.”
Even though Barry was older now, he was still cool enough to grab a chair, spin it around and sit in it backwards. A scientist at a computer looks at some data on his screen.
Scientist: “We got a storm brewing!”
Barry shrugs his shoulders.
Barry Wimbledon: “So send out an official StormCo team to investigate. I already told you I’m retired.”
Barry started to get up and leave when a female voice he hadn’t heard in a long time freezes him in his tracks.
“You are going to want to hear this, Barry.”
It was the voice of his old complicated flame. It was Regina Cummingtime. (Played by Cameron Diaz) She was an older but still sexy and super dignified scientist. Barry and Regina stare at each other and you could cut the sexual tension with a knife.
Barry Wimbledon: Regina! I haven’t seen you in ages. It’s good to see you.
Regina hands Barry a pair of headphones and she smiles.
Regina Cummingtime: Likewise.
Barry puts the headphones on and is immediately disgusted by what he heard.
youtu.be/mfCvgxoVARM
Barry Wimbledon: AH! EWW. Ah just ahhh…”
Barry immediately rips the headphones off and glares at everyone.
Barry Wimbledon: Is this a joke? What am I listening too?
Regina places her hand on Barry’s and looks deep into his eyes.
Regina Cummingtime: These sounds seem to be coming through space and time. From what we understand these “gusts of wind” are squeezing out into our atmosphere through tiny holes. Whenever and wherever they want. It doesn’t matter. In or out of public, loud ones, quiet ones, sometimes they will pop up real close and let a bunch of little ones rip next to you while your not paying attention.
Barry crossed his arms over his bulging chest.
Barry Wimbledon: I still don’t understand what this has to do with me?
Regina Cummingtime: We believe that this “wind” is from Shitstorm! But the Shitstorm from the past. They are….”
Close up angle on Regina.
Regina Cummingtime: The Winds of Shitstorm’s Past!
Barry slowly pulled his glasses off in shock.
Barry Wimbledon: Oh…my……gawd!
~~~~~
“There have been eight of these movies and they just get progressively worse each time.”
-Movie Critic Magazine.
“Steve Awesome fills your bargain bins yet again with Shitstorm 8. Get your giant wooden crate full now.”
-Merchant Weekly.
“WHY!?”
-The quick question Blog.
“WERE INTO IT!”
-Dutch People Magazine.
“Featuring the new Weird Al Yankovic parody of that classic Rachel Platten hit.
“Fart Song”
~~~~~
We open on a city at night. The lead Shitstorm (played by Garey Busey) floats through the night sky with other various Shitstorms from space and time!
Shitstorm: Who ever smelt it, dealt it. Whoever supplied denied it….”
Shitstorm pops another fart wind from its ominous cloud.
Shitstorm: And whoever heard’er gets MURDERED!!!!!”
Suddenly Barry Wimbledon appears flanked by some cavemen, a couple medieval knights, a gang of cowboys, some guys from World War Two and a couple of people who look like they are from the future.
Everyone charges as the Weird Al parody plays!
🎶This is my fart song!🎶
🎶Don’t trust that shart song!🎶
All except Barry who just looks at all the insanity and the war and violence going on. He shakes his head and sighs.
Barry Wimbledon: I’m getting too old for this shit.
Cut as Barry runs into the fray.
SHITSTORM 8: WINDS OF SHITSTORMS PAST
Coming to a theater near you.
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil Blauer, who has a knapsack and lots of camping equipment
Guillermo O’Bannon: And now fans it is time for the main event. The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba taking on Wrestle: UK World Champion Kalmin Watts in a 60 minute iron man match.
Phillip Blauer: They can’t ask me to sit through an hour of wrestling. I will be picketing The Office in Palm Springs tomorrow morning.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’ll be 118 degrees.
Phillip Blauer: Never mind. In that case, I’ve brought all the essentials for a long night. I brought a sleeping bag, a rubber ball and paddle to stave off madness, and a punch bowl of clam chowder for sustenance…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, it’s just an hour.
Phil isn’t listening. He’s chugging from the very large bowl of room temperature clam chowder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Since February, these two have been at each other’s throats. Their battles have stretched from the Pacific Northwest, to the emerald island of Ireland, to the Big Apple, to here in the Rocky Mountains. They have traded the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and inflicted injuries on each other.
Phillip Blauer: (wipes his mouth) I think we’ve all grown a little from this experience.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Dublin, Ireland, Kalmin Watts upset Cross Recoba for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. In New York City, Kalmin Watts won the Wrestle: UK World Championship from “The High Roller” Wesley Crane in a hell in a cell match but the damage of that match allowed Cross Recoba to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship back in a submission match.
Phillip Blauer: Look, Tap Out owner and a man with a shrewd eye for talent, Cross Recoba has already won this trilogy. Lest us not forget, he was victorious in the Portland match back in March.
Guillermo O’Bannon: First off, Phil. If Cross hasn’t hired you yet, I wouldn’t hold my breath…
Phillip Blauer: That is hurtful.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Secondly, no one is counting that win in Portland. That was a completely erroneous disqualification decision caused by Richie Val-...
Phillip Blauer: (interrupting) Up, up, up….
Guillermo O’Bannon: …by Richie Richardson’s inexperience.
Phillip Blauer: No one checks into that kind of stuff. It’ll just say Recoba wins and probably “show went over”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, now the trilogy comes to Denver, Colorado where Cross Recoba will once again put his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship against Wrestle: UK World Champion Kalmin Watts in this Iron Man match.
Phillip Blauer: How much have these two learned from three matches over the past six months that will aid them in this literal marathon match?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is actually a great point, Phil. This is a chess match…
Phillip Blauer: Tap Out could have these same incisive points with just a “show me” type contract that got me out of this California indie vanity project. My agent is Morty something or other…Honestly, it’s pretty embarrassing. He’s been my agent for 30 years. He told me the first day and I was thinking about something else when he said it. Probably something about “Where’s The Beef?” or how I could avoid The Noid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Right. But like you said these two have learned one another’s tendencies…
Phillip Blauer: I feel like it’s Chechen or Czech…
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one cares, Phil. Now they have to try and get the most pinfalls in 60 minutes of wrestling one another. The man who does that, walks out of Denver with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. The Ball Arena lets out an ear splitting pop. Kalmin Watts walks out from behind the curtain with the Wrestle: UK World Championship wrapped around his waist and a knee brace. He nods at the cheering fans while Anthony Jordan steps out behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: In New York City at Night of Champions, Kalmin Watts lost so much blood in his matches with Wesley Crane and Cross Recoba that he had to be checked out by XHF medical personnel and was advised to go to the hospital for a transfusion but he refused.
Phillip Blauer: Bunch a bureaucrats looking to pad their billing. Smart move.
Kalmin Watts jogs down to the ring. The Dublin fans reach out to touch him as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and Anthony Jordan team up to keep the more energetic of fans from actually touching Watts. Fans hold up signs that say “Cross-Watts The Best Series in Hardkore History!” and “I Came To See Cross Get Stretched”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan says ironically the long pause between Kalmin Watts’ two matches worked against him. It allowed the adrenaline from the earlier match to subside.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, and I bet the sun was in his eyes and his shoes were untied.
Yolanda Ando: Kalmin Watts is wearing an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
A middle school aged kid hugs Kalmin Watts. He slaps a few more hands, and then a woman in the front row throws her hands around him and gives him a kiss on his cheek
Phillip Blauer: This guy could be mayor of Denver!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan and Kalmin Watts make no excuses for what happened at Night of Champions. They rolled the dice and accepted the consequences. But in this match, they say Kalmin has beaten Cross Recoba once, he can do it again.
Phillip Blauer: The sun shines on a dog’s ass every once in a while. But can it twice?
Kalmin Watts steps through the ropes and starts loosening up his neck muscles. Anthony Jordan holds up the Wrestle: UK World Championship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has watched their Night of Champions’ match over and over to see where he could improve. Tonight, he looks exploit every weakness he saw on tape.
Watts paces in the ring, waiting for Cross Recoba to come down to the ring
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside The Ball Arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. Out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The High Caliber Wrestling Diamond Championship is draped over his shoulder. whilst the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship is proudly displayed around his waist. His ribs are lightly taped
Phillip Blauer: There he is, the two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion! The title is back where it belongs around the svelte waist of the World’s Greatest Boss! Cross Recoba!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba back on top after that crazy match in Ireland, winning his title back in New York, but now has to outlast Kalmin Watts for an hour in this iron man match.
Phillip Blauer: No champion has been this put upon, this beleaguered since Nick Bockwinkel had to appear at Datsun Fest at a promoter’s Sheboygan dealership.
The Denver fans rain boos down Cross Recoba. He uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.. Recoba holds up the cane to a big heel pop from the fans. He smiles at the reaction and starts walking down the ramp, still holding that cane aloft
Phillip Blauer: Why do these people hate a cane so much? It’s really disturbing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba trying to create dissension between Kalmin Watts and his manager Anthony Jordan. He puts Watts' loss at Night of Champions squarely on him.
Cross Recoba walks past signs that say “Fuck Cross!” and “Cross Sucks!” as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. protects Cross Recoba from the fans trying to touch him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross claims that Kalmin Watts was not ready for the moment, and that Hardkore World is somehow better off with him as champion.
Phillip Blauer: It’s true. The air is sweeter. Time seems to go slower. I feel like I could understand Mandarin.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck. He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba claims that an affluent place like Denver could never relate with an Oklahoma bred talent like Kalmin Watts.
Phillip Blauer: That is true of the Aspen crowd, but I feel he’s discounting the belly scratching undercurrent of mountain folk that attend wrasslin shows.
Cross climbs up onto the apron and, with a wipe of his feet, slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross says that Kalmin took his eyes off the prize by going for the Wrestle: UK belt in a match before defending the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and it wound up costing him. Tonight he says Kalmin doesn’t have the stamina and endurance to keep up with the leaner Cross Recoba, and that will be his downfall.
Cross stands to his full height and smirks, stepping over to the far corner to await the beginning of the match. The bell rings as The Ball Arena darkens save for a lone spotlight on Greg Jin
Greg Jin: “Ladies and gentleman, the following match is the Main Event of the evening! It is Recoba-Watts III!!”
The crowd roars
Greg Jin: “It is an Iron Man Match where the man with the most victories after 60 minutes will be the HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager, ‘The Role Model’ Anthony Jordan; He is from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is The Current Wrestle: UK World Heavyweight Champion…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The spotlight swings over to Kalmin Watts who intensely stares Cross Recoba while the Denver fans blow the roof off the building
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, hailing from Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall, Weighing in at 230 pounds; The Box Office Smash of the XHF Network, He is The CEO of Tap Out Wrestling and The HCW Diamond Champion. The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The Ball Arena shakes with jeers, Cross wordlessly hands his two championship belts to Tommy Milligan. Milligan holds up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Iron Man Match
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Kalmin Watts walks to the center of the ring and motions for Cross to do the same. Recoba smirks and slowly walks over until they are chest to chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have wrestled one another all summer, and it all comes to a boil, right here and right now!
The audience is at a fever pitch as Watts and Cross mutter threats and promises to one another
Phillip Blauer: Whoever cracks first will lose this little battle of psychology here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba cracks Kalmin Watts in the jaw with a punch.
Phillip Blauer: Sorry, my mic shorted out there a little. I mean to say, whoever can take control early will win this match!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts whacks Recoba in the chest with a chop. Cross answers with a reverse knife edge chop. Watts hits him even harder with a big chop.
Phillip Blauer: These two have talked around each other for months. Things have been said that can’t be unsaid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba backs Watts into the corner with a hard elbow shot the face. He smacks him with another knife edge chop to the chest. And another!
Cross Recoba reaches back and strikes him with another blistering chop but Watts just stares at him
Phillip Blauer: Uh oh!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba panics and whacks Watts with another chop to no effect!
The audience cheers wildly as Kalmin Watts backs Cross out of the corner, while Recoba calls for calm and reason
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts in no mood, and gives Cross a big chop! Another one backs him into the ropes. He irish whips him into the ropes and takes him out with a reverse knife edge chop to the throat!
Cross Recoba gets up and walks right into a discus punch by Watts! Kalmin stomps around the ring, pumping up the cheering crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts arm drags him! Another deep armdrag flings him across the ring!
Kalmin Watts scoops Recoba up and slams him down to the ring hard. Cross holds the small of his back in pain
Phillip Blauer: We can’t have much more time remaining! We’re getting down to the final minutes of this match!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s been four minutes.
Phillip Blauer: Gadzooks! I feel like I’ve aged four years!
Phil starts bouncing his rubber ball and paddle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts gets Cross Recoba up for a slow hip toss; muscling him up and then violently depositing him onto the canvas.
Phillip Blauer: (checks his watch) That was a slow hip toss. Come on, let’s go. Vamanos!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts pulls Cross Recoba up and irish whips him into the turnbuckles. He charges in but Cross is waiting for him with a knee to the stomach. He puts him in the corner and stands him up with an uppercut forearm.
Cross irish whips Kalmin into the corner and follows him in half a step behind with a back elbow. The audience boos as Cross mockingly shakes out his elbow from the impact. Watts sinks down to the mat, leaning against the bottom turnbuckle
Phillip Blauer: He needs to watch it with that elbow, we still have at least 10 minutes to go.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil…
Yolanda Ando: Guillermo, he has no sense of time. Like a dog. Or an infant.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Got it. Cross Recoba now on top of him in the corner, smashing him in the face with elbows.
The Ball Arena boos as Cross Recoba backs up to the kitty corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gets a running start and basement dropkicks Kalmin Watts in the corner!
The fans let out a collective “OH!” at the sight of Watts’ head whipping back. Anthony Jordan pounds on the mat for Kalmin to get back to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts gets up and ducks a clothesline, and does a go behind into a rear waistlock. Cross tries to twist out of it, but Kalmin has it locked in.
Recoba attempts to unlace Kalmin’s fingers but he’s too strong. Watts turns it into a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross dips out of the full nelson and grabs a chicken wing. He goes for a half nelson, but Watts drops down and arm drags Cross again.
Kalmin Watts holds onto an arm bar. He wraps his legs around Recoba’s arm and drops back into a fujiwara armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts rows back on Recoba’s arm, trying to put pressure on the back of Cross’ elbow.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Recoba shakes his head, refusing to give up. Recoba sits up and clasps his own hand so Kalmin can’t wrench back on it any longer
Phillip Blauer: Cross fighting over his own arm here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now it’s Kalmin trying to unlace Cross’ fingers so he can reapply the fujiwara. Recoba rolls until Kalmin is on his chest, still hanging on to Cross’ arm.
Kalmin gets back to his feet and gives Cross’ arm a twist. He bends down and takes Cross feet out from under him and makes a lateral press
…ONE!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs a wristlock on the mat. He pushes down on Recoba’s wrist, pointing his elbow up into the air, while bridging him backwards from the pressure.
Cross Recoba is forced to push back on the wristlock until he is halfway even with Watts, standing up. Recoba takes his free hand and pulls on Watts’ hair to gain control of the wristlock
Phillip Blauer: Look at the raw power of the two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion! He’s going toe to toe and giving it back with the supposed powerhouse, Kalmin Watts!
Guillermo O’Bannon: With the help of a hair pull.
Phillip Blauer: Do you have rocks in your head? He barely has any hair.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba turns it into a wristlock armlock. He gives Watts’ arm another twist, and pushes down on the back of his wrist, trying to break the elbow.
Watts refuses to submit, so Cross abandons his arm and grabs a side headlock. Recoba keeps it high and tight, while Watts tries to throw him off
Phillip Blauer: Cross hanging on to that wild animal for dear life. Like a soccer Mom at a bachelorette party on a mechanical bull trying to show she’s still got it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba clamping down on that headlock while…
Yolanda Ando: But she’s just gonna fall asleep at Denny’s before her food gets there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, thank you for that, Yolanda. Cross plants his feet and rolls Kalmin Watts into a side headlock takedown.
The Denver fans boo. Anthony Jordan offers advice on escape, while Cross locks his hands together. Tommy Milligan checks to see if Watts’ shoulders are on the mat
Phillip Blauer: As he said in his gripping promotional video, Cross is going to try and use his superior conditioning to outlast this snorting wildebeest.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba presses Kalmin Watts to the mat with that headlock.
…ONE!
…Kalmin Watts sits up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts now on his knees while Cross hangs on to the headlock. Watts works his way to his feet, while Recoba grinds that headlock as much as he can.
Watts puts his finger up for the audience, unbeknownst to Cross. Recoba gets a smile on his face and clamps down on the headlock. The fans laugh and Cross shouts “He ain’t going anywhere!” while Kalmin continues to play possum
Phillip Blauer: Boy, that headlock must be devastating. Kalmin is putting up next to no defense to it anymore.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts stops toying with Cross Recoba and lifts him up high on his shoulder, and then on the back of his head with a back suplex!
The crowd roars! A shocked Recoba rolls onto his stomach while Kalmin motions for the crowd to get louder. Anthony Jordan pumps his fist
Phillip Blauer: You can’t toy with people, Geronimo. This guy is supposed to be a role model?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts applies another armbar. He uses that 5 inch height advantage to lean so far back on his arm that Cross is nearly lifted off the mat.
Recoba grunts in agony while Kalmin Watts sticks his knee in the ball of his shoulder and clamps down on his arm. He reaches up and grabs Watts’ hair again, but this time Tommy Milligan sees it and gives him a five count to release it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross is on his feet, but Watts still has that armbar locked. He scoops Watts up, but Kalmin has that reversal from their earlier match scouted, and slips off his shoulder behind him. He scoops Recoba up into a shoulderbreaker.
Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside. Kalmin pulls him back up and power whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts backdrops him up and over!
The Denver fans roar. Cross Recoba rolls out of the ring and signals for a time out and the boos drown out Guillermo and Phil
Phillip Blauer: Very smart. We still have 15 minutes to go here, plenty of time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s only been 15 minutes. But now Cross Recoba getting out of the proverbial kitchen as the heat rises.
Phillip Blauer: Which is a valuable fire lesson, because you see, Cross is an actual role model.
Cross Recoba walks around the ring, catching his breath. Kalmin Watts challenges him to get back in the ring. Cross gets to where Anthony Jordan is, who takes a fighting stance
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba thinks better of it and steps up onto the apron. Kalmin goes over to grab him but Recoba is ready for him with a kick to the stomach. He hooks Kalmin by the head, but Watts blocks a DDT. He stands up and suplexes Recoba up high in the air!
The Denver fans gasp at the height that Watts gets while holding Cross perfectly still in the air. He takes away his arm to make the feat more impressive, and waves the fans on to cheer louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin finally drops him to the mat!
Cross sits up from the impact, then his eyes roll around as he falls back down. Kalmin gets up and smacks the ropes in intensity. The audience chants “WATTS!! WATTS!! WATTS!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts grabs a hammerlock on Recoba’s arm on the mat. He rolls Cross onto his stomach while torturing him with that chicken wing.
Phillip Blauer: I did that once to Jonah Hill when he was dieting to get as skinny as Jerry Garcia for the Grateful Dead movie.
Kalmin Watts gets on his back and pulls up on his hammerlocked arm while grinding his face into the canvas
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross maneuvers into a sitting position while Kalmin holds on to the chicken wing. He reaches back and snap mares Watts over into another hammerlock of his own.
Recoba cinches up on Watts’ wrist, trying to hyperextend the elbow. Kalmin fights his way back to his feet, with Cross applying pressure to the arm bent behind Watts’ back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba runs him into the ropes and then tumbles back into an O’Conner roll!
Phillip Blauer: Hey, that’s named after you!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts gets up and walks right into a dropkick. Cross irish whips him into the corner and then follows him in with a running double knee strike.
Cross gets a running start and walks up Watts’ chest over the ropes onto the apron below, forcing Watts into a sitting position. He then slingshots over the ropes into a dropkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Combination de Cabron! He pulls Watts out of the corner with a snap suplex. He climbs to the top turnbuckle and jumps off with a flying elbow, but there’s no water in the pool!!
The Denver crowd comes to life! Kalmin Watts tries to collect himself, while Cross holds his ribs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts gets to his feet, and scoops him up into a backbreaker on those recovering ribs. He pulls Cross up and grabs him in a bearhug.
Cross screams in pain. He tries to punch his way out of it, but Watts readjusts his grip on the small of Recoba’s back and crushes him some more
Phillip Blauer: Nobody wants a hug from this guy. Bear or otherwise.
Yolanda Ando: I don’t know, he seems nice.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts continuing to constrict the breathing of Cross Recoba, in that powerful bearhug of his. Cross digs his fingernails into the eyes of Kalmin, so Watts ends it with a spinning belly to belly suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Cross up and fallaway slams him across the ring!
As Kalmin Watts walks over to him, Cross trips him up with a drop toehold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba sits on Watts’ back and applies a camel clutch! He locks his fingers under Kalmin’s chin and rocks back on his head and neck.
The fans boo and chant “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” Cross sneers and yanks back on Watts’ head some more
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Millgan checking in to see if Kalmin Watts wants to submit but the Oklahoma Sooner is refusing.
Cross eventually abandons the camel clutch and scoops him up for a bodyslam. He steps up onto the second turnbuckle and waits for Kalmin to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba catches Watts in the chest with a missile dropkick!
Cross Recoba steps through the ropes out on to the apron, and wipes his sweat off and flings it at the crowd. The fans boo
Phillip Blauer: Little refreshment for the front row there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba slingshots himself over the top rope into an elbow drop!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba climbs up to the second turnbuckle again, this time hitting a diving european uppercut!
Cross Recoba pulls him up and irish whips him but Kalmin reverses it and shoots Recoba into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts catches him with a full powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts applies an abdominal stretch. Kalmin cranks back on Recoba’s arm, twisting his stomach muscles and spine. But what he is mostly doing is softening up those ribs for The Sooner Squeeze.
Phillip Blauer: But Cross’ ribs are not butter that can be softened as easily as leaving them on the counter.
Recoba shakes his head, refusing to give up to Tommy Milligan. So Kalmin Watts gut wrench suplexes him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts applies the stomach claw. He goes over those previously injured ribs with that powerful meaty hand of his.
Phillip Blauer: Gross.
Cross Recoba cries out in agony, trying to scoot away from Kalmin on the mat. Anthony Jordan yells “Now you have ‘em!”
Phillip Blauer: Pipe down, Tony.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts scoops him up and drops him into a ribbreaker. Another ribbreaker, and a third before dropping Cross to the mat.
The fans chant The crowd chants “WATTS!! WATTS!! WATTS!!” Cross holds his side and Kalmin Watts pumps up the crowd to a fever pitch. He pulls Recoba up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts hits him in the chest with an Oklahoma Hammer!!
The Denver fans erupt and Cross Recoba puts his hands on his chest, trying to get a breath, and bends over. Kalmin Watts jumps up on his back and applies a leg scissors around Cross’ torso
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sooner Squeeze!! He’s got it locked in!
The audience leaps to their feet and gives The Sooner Squeeze a loud pop! Tommy Milligan asks Cross if he wants to submit, and he nods
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gives up! That was pretty sudden.
Phillip Blauer: He’s got another 10…
Guillermo O’Bannon: …30.
Phillip Blauer: …minutes to go. He’s got to save himself.
Cross Recoba clutches his sides and rolls out of the ring. Kalmin Watts raises his arms as the fans cheer.
Greg Jin: “At 26 minutes 25 seconds, Kalmin Watts has scored a fall. The score is now 1-0 Watts.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion has lost the initial fall and now has to play some catch up.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure he can make that up, he still…
Cross Recoba crashes a chair across the back of Kalmin’s head!! The audience lets out a loud “OH!” at the sickening sound of metal crashing against Watts’ head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba just bent the frame of that chair on the back of Kalmin’s head!! He wails back and smashes the back of Kalmin’s head again!!
The audience boos as Cross Recoba wears Kalmin out with the chair over and over, until the chair is unrecognizable
Phillip Blauer: I knew he had a plan. I knew it, I was just, you know, building the suspense.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is reprehensible. Cross rolls a limp Kalmin Watts over and covers him.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Greg Jin: “At 27 minutes 40 seconds, Cross Recoba has scored a fall. The score is now tied 1-1”
Phillip Blauer: What a master chess player, saving himself and then deftly using tools to procure a tie. Just like in chess!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Have you ever played chess?
Phillip Blauer: Do I look like the kind of nerd that would play a game with a horsey? No, but I know chess when I see it. And that baby? That’s chess.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba completely violating the spirit of the iron man match. I’m not even sure if Kalmin Watts is going to be able to continue.
Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. comes over to check on Kalmin Watts, but Cross pushes him away and the boos get louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba now on top of Kalmin and bludgeoning him with fists!
Anthony Jordan is raising hell with a shrugging Tommy Milligan. Cross Recoba walks over and kicks the ropes in front of Jordan, who almost gets into the ring but Mulligan cuts him off
Phillip Blauer: Get him out of there, Tommy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross rolls him over onto his back, and then climbs to the top turnbuckle. He measures him and jumps off with a flying elbow to the spine!!
Cross Recoba pulls a woozy Kalmin Watts up to his knees. Recoba catches him with a short huracanrana, drilling his head into the canvas
Guillermo O’Bannon: Chicago Overcoat!! Cross pulls him up into a waistlock, and then falls back into a japanese leg roll with a bridge!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on.
Phillip Blauer: He’s just toying with him now!
Greg Jin: “At 30 minutes 33 seconds, Cross Recoba has scored a fall. The score is now 2-1, Cross Recoba!”
The Ball Arena rocks with boos as the cocky Cross Recoba unfolds his bridge and stands to his feet. He gives them a little bow, and the anger is palpable
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross brutalized him with that chair, and is now just running up the score. This is not a sportsman like tactic by the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion.
Phillip Blauer: It is not Cross Recoba’s job to give Kalmin Watts a fighting chance.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba gives Kalmin Watts a receipt for that earlier abdominal stretch, and then turns it into a cobra twist.
The fans jeer Cross Recoba as he clasps his arms together and presses Watts’ head and arm together. Tommy Milligan asks him if he wants to tap out, but he doesn’t get an answer
Phillip Blauer: Kalmin could be out. This could be another point for Cross Recoba.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan tests his arm but Kalmin Watts keeps it up!
The audience roars at the tenacity of Kalmin Watts and Anthony Jordan celebrates at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba spins around on Kalmin Watts’ back, converting the cobra twist into a giant octopus!
Phillip Blauer: He’s pulling out the whole zoo!
The cheers turn to jeers. Recoba locks his hands together pulling back on Watts’ arm, while pushing down on his head with his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba now extending Watts’ arm to put more pressure on that limb, trying to hyperextend the elbow.
Kalmin Watts screams in pain. He tries to pulls his arm away, and twists back into a front facing position. But Cross is able to pull it back again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross braces his own elbow against Kalmin Watts’ forearm, pushing it back and trying to pop the shoulder out of its socket.
Tommy Milligan checks in, but Kalmin Watts shakes his head. Watts is able to snatch his arm away, while Recoba maintains the giant octopus
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba violently elbows Kalmin Watts in the back of the head repeatedly to get back control of his arm! Kalmin won’t give it to him, so Cross Recoba straightjacket suplexes him!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Greg Jin: “At 33 minutes 3 seconds, Cross Recoba has scored a fall. The score is now 3-1, Cross Recoba!”
Phillip Blauer: This is gonna be a rout!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts is clearly feeling the effects of that blindside cheap shot chair shot to the back of the head and you know it.
Phillip Blauer: You don’t know what I know. I barely know what I know.
The Denver fans chant “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” as he walks with his hands at his sides, soaking in their hatred
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba irish whips Kalmin Watts into the turnbuckles. He follows him in with a european uppercut. Watts turns his back on Recoba in the corner, and Cross runs up the ropes into an enzuigri!
Cross Recoba turns around and backslides Kalmin Watts back to the mat, but then rolls over top of him into a bridge
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bushi roll! Cross may just get to run this score up even higher.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- Kalmin Watts kicks out!
The audience erupts with cheers as Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets a tight close up of the shocked look on Cross Recoba’s face as he sits on the mat
Phillip Blauer: Hey! That must have been a slow count from old gin blossom Tommy Milligan!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts kicked out! I thought we were going to have to stop this one after all this punishment Cross has doled out on a defenseless Kalmin Watts, but the Wrestle: UK World Champion trying to find something to hang on to here.
Phillip Blauer: Whatever they’re paying you, Tommy, I’m sure Cross can double it and still give me a sweet finders fee.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba grabs him in a dragon sleeper, and wraps his legs around Watts’ waist.
Phillip Blauer: That’ll put that fire out.
The crowd heckles Cross while he blocks them out, pulling back on that inverted facelock. Anthony Jordan pleads with Kalmin to hang on from ringside. The crowd chants “WATTS!! WATTS!! WATTS!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross not allowing Kalmin to get any new air with that bodyscissors while peeling back on the head and neck of the Oklahoma Sooner.
Phillip Blauer: As an astute observer that would be a gamechanger for any Tap Out B show or online only content, I would point out that Cross has been targeting Kalmin Watts’ neck often in this match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, I just don’t want you to get your heart broken when this doesn’t happen.
Phillip Blauer: I hear they have tikki masala in catering. I have no idea what it is, but it’s fun to say.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, Kalmin Watts trying to fight off the dragon sleeper, but Recoba looks to have it all locked down.
Anthony Jordan pounds on the apron, trying to get the fans to clap. The Ball Arena answers the call, and claps faster and faster, trying to will Kalmin Watts to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Denver fans really getting behind the Wrestle: UK World Champion! Kalmin Watts is able to roll over on his side, and reaches out for those ropes!
Cross Recoba continues to tug back on the inverted facelock, while clamping down on his kidneys with his bodyscissors. Watts scoots closer to the side of the ring as the audience’s clapping is resounding
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has hooked the bottom rope!
Phillip Blauer: Aw, nuts.
The fans pop! Tommy Milligan forces a reluctant Cross Recoba to release the dragon sleeper. Cross pulls him up into a headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gets a running start and bulldogs Kalmin’s face into the canvas!
The Ball Arena chants “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” as Recoba steps through the ropes, out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba pulls on the rope to slingshot himself onto the middle of the top rope, then springboards into a crossbody but Kalmin Watts catches him with a powerslam!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- Cross Recoba kicks out!
The fans are jubilant and cheer wildly as Cross and Kalmin both lie on the mat, exhausted
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts came to life!
Phillip Blauer: Was that three??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yea…no, Tommy Milligan only holding up two fingers; he is signaling it was not a three count.
Phil checks his heart, then gulps when he doesn’t feel anything
Phillip Blauer: That’s probably not good. When did that start?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts gets to his feet, and so does Recoba! Kalmin Watts lays into him with a chop, and another chop that you can hear through The Ball Arena!
Phillip Blauer: I think the people using those disgusting bathrooms here can hear that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts lifts him up into a suplex, drops Recoba’s feet on the top rope and ricochets back into a slingshot suplex!
The audience chants “WATTS!! WATTS!! WATTS!!” as Kalmin Watts walks around the ring banging his head to the beat. He goes to the other corner then gets down in to a three point stance
Phillip Blauer: Stay down, Cross! I don’t think he can hear me. Larry?
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. lumbers over to the announce position
Phillip Blauer: Can you tell Mr. Cross…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts spears Cross Recoba nearly out of his boots!!
Phillip Blauer: Never mind, Larry.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has gotten back on the board!
Greg Jin: “At 42 minutes 59 seconds, Kalmin Watts has scored a fall. The score is now 3-2, Cross Recoba!”
The crowd is ecstatic as Kalmin Watts rolls over onto his side. Anthony Jordan pats his back from ringside
Phillip Blauer: Great, now he won’t cover the spread! Kalmin Watts has just gotten very unpopular at Vegas sportsbook spots like The Venetian and MGM in Vegas and The Rootin Tootin Bettin’ Saloon over in Laughlin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men utterly exhausted.
Yolanda Ando: Cross Recoba’s hair completely drenched with sweat. As fashion reporter, I thought it was my place to mention that.
Phillip Blauer: She’s in charge of hair now too??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Just let her have it, Phil. Kalmin Watts now up and pulls Recoba up by his, as Yolanda mentioned, sweaty hair. He presses Cross over his head! After nearly 45 minutes of punishment, and that chair shot, how does he still have anything left??
The Ball Arena roars as Watts walks a panicked Cross around the ring and then deposits him over the ropes to the floor below with a sickening splat
Phillip Blauer: We gotta start ponying up for mats.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Apparently, that’s one expense too far for Jonnie. Kalmin steps through the ropes, out onto the floor. He scoops Recoba up and slams him on the concrete!
Cross arches his back in pain. Kalmin moves in and Recoba asks for more time
Phillip Blauer: Meathead Watts once again not being sportsmanlike.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts hip tosses him on to our…woah!!
Kalmin Watts hip tosses Cross so hard he hits the announce table and drinks and papers go everywhere as he falls to the other side of the table
Phillip Blauer: Hey, my doodles! Those are gonna be worth millions!
Yolanda Ando: (horrified, looking at them on the ground) Why does no one have eyes??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry fans, we’re gonna try and stay with you as long as we can as they fight amongst our video and audio equipment. Kalmin now pulls him back into the ringside area, and suplexes him on the concrete!!
Phillip Blauer: Ugh, it sounds like a bag of meat falling from two stories.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts pulls him up and leans him against the apron, slapping him with a hard chop to the chest. Kalmin beating Cross’ chest beet red from those chops.
Watts rolls back into the ring while Cross struggles to get to the apron. Kalmin goes over to pull him back in to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba sneaks under his arms, and slingshots through the middle ropes into a school boy roll up with his feet on the ropes!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Greg Jin: “At 47 minutes 47 seconds, Cross Recoba has scored a fall. The score is now 4-2, Cross Recoba!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on, Recoba now building on that ridiculous lead he got after the chairs and…Kalmin has him by the throat! He’s done with Cross’ dirty tricks! He kicks him in the stomach, and then double underhook suplexes him across the ring!
The fans cheer and Kalmin keeps on top of him. He scoops him up and drops Recoba’s stomach on his knee with a gutbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts chicken wings Recoba’s arm behind his back and lifts him up into a hammerlock suplex that lands him on his aching arm!
Cross holds his elbow and kicks his toes into the mat in pain, while Kalmin motions for him to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts whacks Recoba with a chop. An exhausted Cross responds with a spinning elbow.
Audience: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts with a big overhand chop!
Audience: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross hits him with a weakish punch.
Audience: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts just tearing into Cross’ pectorals with those chops!
Audience: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is just desperation now, both these men are spent. Cross with a european uppercut.
Audience: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts twirls around with a discus punch that floors Cross Recoba!
The fans roar and Cross is laid out cold. Watts falls into the ropes from the impact
Phillip Blauer: See? I don’t like my wrestlers to twirl…
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one cares, Phil. Kalmin scoops Cross Recoba up and runs him into the center of the ring with a running powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba gets his foot on the bottom rope!
The Denver audience groans and Kalmin can’t believe it. Anthony Jordan tries to keep his man focused with encouraging words
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin pulls Cross up into an inverted facelock, and then pulls him up and over with a reverse suplex!
Cross rolls around in pain. Kalmin uses the ropes to pull himself up and then Recoba stumbles into a front waistlock with Watts’ head under Cross’ shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts flips him into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The Ball Arena is at a fever pitch and the fans celebrate with one another as Kalmin raises one arm
Greg Jin: “At 52 minutes 24 seconds, Kalmin Watts has scored a fall. The score is now 4-3, Cross Recoba!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has battled back, from down a 3-1 deficit, to now one pin or submission away from tying this up at 4-3!
Both men just lie there, trying to find the energy just to sit up. Anthony Jordan pounds on the apron, getting the crowd to clap for Watts and they start chanting “WATTS!! WATTS!! WATTS!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: A wobbly Cross gets up and goes for Watts, but Watts collapses from exhaustion and Recoba falls through the ropes to the apron.
Phillip Blauer: I think the next finishing move is going to be a finger to the chest.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts goes to pull Cross back into the ring, but Recoba grabs Watts’ head in a front facelock and pulls it through the ropes. Cross jumps up into a hangman’s DDT on the apron!! The hardest part of the ring!
Kalmin Watts slips through the ropes onto the floor as the crowd heckles Cross Recoba at ringside. Both men lie there, motionless for nearly a minute. The Denver fans chant “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: This match, this series, it has to be under consideration for match of the year, feud of the year…
Phillip Blauer: Wouldn’t Jonnie have to take time away from a show to do one of those?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh no, I just meant hypothetically.
Cross Recoba finally climbs back into the ring, and pulls himself up by the ropes. Anthony Jordan helps Kalmin Watts back up to his feet. Recoba runs into the ropes and dives over catching Watts with dropkick on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Million Lira Dropkick!!
Phillip Blauer: (does an Italian accent) That’s a lotta Lira.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t.
The Ball Arena boos as Cross and Kalmin try and stay conscious. Anthony Jordan comes over and starts lightly slapping Watts’ cheeks to keep him awake
Phillip Blauer: See, that? That should be illegal.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross hit him with a chair and used the ropes to beat him.
Phillip Blauer: Yes, but he wasn’t a sympathetic father figure offering support and nurturing.
Cross Recoba slowly gets up and rolls Kalmin Watts back into the ring. He painstakingly pulls himself up on to the apron, and then climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross dives off with a flying forearm, but Kalmin backs up to receive him like a catcher in baseball, and then overhead belly to belly suplexes him!
The jeers turn to cheers and the fans explode with an ear-shattering pop! Kalmin pulls him up and scoops him up into another gutbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts curls him back up and then drops Recoba’s spine across his knee with a backbreaker! He lifts him up for a third time and drops him into a ribbreaker!
Cross is on his side, holding his stomach, but Kalmin Watts pulls him up into a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts hits a perfect german suplex with a bridge to try and tie this thing and force overtime before time runs out!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba rolls his shoulder up!
Cross Recoba painfully stands up by pulling himself up by the ropes and then turns around into another stomach claw
Phillip Blauer: That damned thing again!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs him and spikes him into the mat with a devastating spinebuster!
Cross Recoba eyes are big as saucers as he stares back up at the lights. Watts pulls up Cross’ limp head and pulls it into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts lifts Cross up and drills his skull into the canvas with a jumping piledriver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- Cross Recoba kicks out!
A frustrated Kalmin Watts slaps the mat, and then sits for a second, trying to catch his breath. He pulls Cross up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oklahoma Hammer to the collarbone of Cross, and when he keels over, Cross jumps on his back with The Sooner Squeeze!!
The crowd jumps up and down as Kalmin clamps down on the bodyscissors with all his might and Tommy Milligan signals for the bell
Phillip Blauer: No! No! Make it all a dream! I miss my waterbed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts did it, and made Cross Recoba tap to The Sooner Squeeze twice! We are now going to go to overtime to decide who is the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion!!
Anthony Jordan embraces a completely spent Kalmin Watts through the bottom ropes as Cross lies completely spread eagle, gasping for breath
Greg Jin: “Ladies and Gentleman, One Hour is Up! THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, With A Score Of 4-3…AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…CROSS RECOBA!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: What??
“Hello My Name Is Human” by Highly Suspect plays and The Ball Arena comes unglued. Tommy Milligan drapes the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship across the prone body of Cross Recoba
Phillip Blauer: What a genius! The mental clock in his head told him to lay low and just not get beat and he outlasted him in an unbelievable iron man match! Now that’s chess, baby!
Anthony Jordan pleads his case but Tommy Milligan explains that the time limit expired as Kalmin Watts had The Sooner Squeeze on. The fans start to throw cups and trash in to the ring. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his medical team rush to both competitors with oxygen
Guillermo O’Bannon: What Cross Recoba did was take a fall so that he could go bezerk on an unsuspecting Kalmin Watts with a chair, and win a couple of cheap falls, that wound up making the difference.
Phillip Blauer: Chess, baby!
Anthony Jordan assists Kalmin Watts out of the ring, and along with Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr., they help him gingerly walk down the aisle as the fans pat Watts on the back and shoulders
Guillermo O’Bannon: Make no mistake. Neither man is walking out of here the wrestler they walked in as. Both men have taken something from this match, and learned something about themselves as athletes. And I think Kalmin Watts should be proud of how he conducted himself tonight.
A full soda cup lands near Cross’ head, waking him up a little and he rolls over to his side with David Valentine Jr. still administering oxygen. The fans boo as Cross’ music continues to play
Guillermo O’Bannon: He has been through hell and back this summer with Kalmin Watts, and emerged as a two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion. This series will go down in Hardkore history as one of, if not the best of all time. There was Kilroy and Death Gojira, Rated X and Cyrus Williams, and the former Makoto Jupiter now known as Ri Eun-Ae and “Sexy” Anjanette Turner, but as far as pure wrestling goes, this one by far was the best.
Cross knocks the oxygen away and stands up on his feet. He holds up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship belt and soaks in the jeers of the angry Denver crowd
Phillip Blauer: He snatched victory out of the jaws of defeat, and has emerged from this summer, a better champion and somehow more handsome.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba looked great here tonight, and his future contenders now have an hour to try and find any weaknesses in his game in this match tonight.
Cross Recoba gives the fans a bow, and the boos and trash get heavier. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tells him it’s time to go before it gets dangerous, but Cross ignores him and stands on the second turnbuckle to let the fans get a good look at the two time champion
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, thank you for joining us for our return to the Rocky Mountains, we now fly halfway across the Pacific to have our supershow with J-ROK in Maui, Hawaii.
Phillip Blauer: And I can’t wait to…what? Are you even allowed to fly in there?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Very unclear. But that’s the plan, and it will be where we crown a new Hardkore Women’s Champion, as well as see the best of Hardkore take on the best of Japan’s J-ROK! See you there, and until then Mahalo!
Cross Recoba stumbles down the aisle way with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship as fans flip him off and give him a thumbs down as the show fades out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello everyone, and welcome to Denver, Colorado! This is Hardkore’s return to the Rocky Mountains for the first time in 19 years, 2004, and these fans have sure missed us!
Phillip Blauer: We’re here in Ball Arena, the Arena with Balls!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I told you it wasn’t funny during mic checks.
Phillip Blauer: It’s for our more high brow clientele.
Guillermo O’Bannon: If you didn’t catch XHF Night of Champions in New York City, Cross Recoba regained his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Kalmin Watts in a submission match.
Phillip Blauer: The belt is back where it belongs. With the man who I will one day call “chief” as I walk by him in the hallway…(daydreaming) with finger guns…
Guillermo O’Bannon: And now, Hardkore World Champion vs. Wrestle: UK World Champion. A dream match. Tonight, the third in their series, a 60 minute Iron Man match.
Phillip Blauer: What?? I’ll die.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You won’t die. The first two matches were classics, what could they have left tonight?
Phillip Blauer: Honestly I haven’t had anything left since…when did Tru Blood get canceled?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Three seasons too late. Then “The High Roller” Wesley Crane puts the Hardkore West Coast Championship up against Simon Cruise. Cruise received this title shot by winning a ladder match with The Sheik and Tuxedo Mask. Tonight, he attempts to cash in on this opportunity he earned, but it is against the lethal former Wrestle: UK World Champion and Hardkore World Tag Team Champion Wesley Crane.
Phillip Blauer: The man literally drips in gold. It’s disgusting.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship is on the line as The Anointed Freebirded and added Steve Awesome, for a match with he and Alexander Von Blankenship against The Mischief Express; Kilroy Evans and Marty Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: This match is further complicated by their seconds: Hasbulla and Lil Corny. I, along with the rest of the nation, hope that little Russian man-person gives that small child a savage beating.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do not sully this great nation by lumping it in with your unfortunate views. Then it’s The Sheik taking on the former Hardkore California Champion “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall. The Sheik is looking to get his Hardkore West Coast title back, while Squid is looking for a rematch for his Hardkore California Championship. A win here in Denver could do a lot to making that a reality.
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik is why we run so late at night in most markets.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Back in July, the dirt sheets reported an incident at new Hardkore California Champion “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse taking on Joe Nobody. Joey shocked the World at Irish Rage in Dublin, winning the title off of Callum Cornwall in an impromptu match. Joe Nobody is looking to continue his win streak since coming to the West Coast.
Phillip Blauer: You know, I gotta be honest…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Please don’t.
Phillip Blauer: …the whole thing with the hat bugs me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why would that bug you?
Phillip Blauer: We got Jimmy Valentine Jr. working his fingers to the bone, selling Hardkore World merchandise and then this guy goes around handing out free fedoras like it’s communist Russia. For Pete’s sake, the man has a gambling habit and huffs model airplane glue, do we have to rob him of his only way to earn a living?
A fierce looking dragon slowly raises its head and spews fire and flames before "Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator before images of Little Dragon executing various moves in his matches as Little Dragon appears on the rampway, soaking in the loud pop from the Denver fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon here in the Rocky Mountains for the first time since he sat ringside here as a child in 2004, watching The Shootfighter wrestle Big Bad Bill.
Phillip Blauer: Good old Triple B.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight, Little Dragon hopes to make his own memory over former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Tuxedo Mask. A man that he once had a lot of respect for, but recently has become disillusioned with the way Tux treats his former fans.
Little Dragon storms ringside, slapping the hands of the fans craning over the railing. When he reaches the ring, Little Dragon leaps over the top rope luchador style and forward rolls his feet into a dragon stance
Yolanda Ando: Little Dragon wears a green sleeveless full body surfer's suit, green ring boots, green MMA cobra gloves and a green mask that covers his face, nose and chin. His waist length dark hair flows freely from the top of his mask and his face, arms and body are covered with dragon tattoos and TAO symbols.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Little Dragon also grew up watching Tuxedo Mask, and his friend, the former Makoto Jupiter, now known as Rei Ei Aun, who was in this very town in 2004, losing a threeway with Tamara Sanchez and Xyrynth. Now he gets to face the fellow cruiserweight, a match he has dreamed about all his life. He has admired him from afar but tonight gets to wrestle the real life, flesh and bone guy.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to The Ball Arena in Denver, Colorado! Hardkore Jonnie Valentine and Hardkore World presents tonight’s wrestling action. Your first match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 225 pounds…LITTLE DRAGON!!!”
The Ball Arena lets out a high pitched cheer from the women and children in the audience
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the cheers turn to jeers. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and stands at the side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak in the boos. He walks to the other side of the ramp. Tux pumps up the fans to boo him on that side as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask getting the reaction he deserves if you ask me.
Phillip Blauer: Has anyone ever asked you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No. But Tuxedo Mask being surprised that these people don’t appreciate his cheating and betrayal isn’t a shock either.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of boos before preparing for the match
Greg Jin: "And his opponent is from Tokushima, Japan. Standing 5 feet 8 inches and Weighing 185 pounds; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure... TUXEDO MASK!!!"
The fans boo as Tuxedo Mask ignores them
Tuxedo Mask vs. Little Dragon
Richie Richardson calls for the bell as we get this underway
Guillermo O’Bannon: The two fighters rush from their corners and immediately lock up. Tuxedo is quick to grab a hammerlock but Dragon reverses before it’s locked in.
Little Dragon transitions to a headlock and bears down on Mask, making him carry the extra weight.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A headlock takedown by Little Dragon takes them down to the mat. Tux is quick to slip out the back and grab the hammerlock again to get to his feet.
The Denver audience chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” Tuxedo Mask sneers at them
Phillip Blauer: He really needs to do something here to silent these mountain folk.
Little Dragon twists and grabs a waistlock and uses it to bring Tuxedo Mask to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon hits a snap dropkick before Tux can get to his knees!
The fans cheer. Scrambling for space, Tuxedo Mask unsteadily stands up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon meets Tux with a middle kick but then hits him with a ghettoblaster enzuigiri that sends Tuxedo Mask into the ropes!
Little Dragon hits him with a european uppercut that lands true on the chin of Mask. He grabs Tuxedo Mask’s arm and then short-arm side elbows him to the head to stuns him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon grabs the arm once more and pulls him into a short-arm powerslam!
…ONE
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
A smile showing under his mask, Dynamo Dragon waits for Tuxedo Mask to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon charges in with a forearm that connects with the lower back of Tux. He grabs a full nelson and drops back into a bridging dragon suplex!
Phillip Blauer: You mean Little Dragon Suplex.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wasting no time, Little Dragon lifts Mask to his feet. He lifts him up in an atomic lift and then drops him into a double knee backbreaker!! Once more, Dragon goes for the cover.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hooking a front facelock, Little Dragon lifts Tuxedo Mask up to his feet and then hoists him into the air, but Tux drops down the back. Little Dragon turns around into a jawbreaker!
Phillip Blauer: Finally, Tux has adjusted to the mile high air.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with a lightning fast snap suplex. The Japanese Mat Magician leaves nothing to chance as he takes Dragon into a headlock and runs to the corner into an acid drop bulldog!!
The fans boo and another round of “TUX SUX!” chants begin. Sliding under the bottom rope, Tux waits patiently for Dragon to rise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and jumps off with a springboard dragonrana!!
The jeers and the heckling get louder. Feeding off the Denver crowd, Tuxedo Mask gets Dragon to his feet and drives a lifting knee into his ribs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask pumphandles him up but Little Dragon slips out the back and hits a backdrop driver on Tux!!
The crowd comes to life! Clearly stunned, Mask finds himself in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon charges in with a running roaring elbow that connects! And another! And a third one nearly knocks out Tuxedo Mask!
Going into the center of the ring, Dragon lifts up an arm and charges
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon with a leaping corner splash!
Phillip Blauer: That has to sting!
Barely keeping on his feet as he staggers from the corner, Tuxedo Mask is powerless to stop Dragon from tucking his head between his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon lifts him up on his shoulders and drives him into the mat with a huge powerbomb!!
The Denver crowd, especially the kids in the audience, grow louder as they know what to expect. They start chanting “DSD! DSD! DSD! DSD! DSD!”
Phillip Blauer: The people are really taking to Sony’s Direct Stream Digital.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leaping to the top in one single bound, Dragon sits and waits. He hits his flying backstabber known as the DSD!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator plays and the fans jump to their feet
Greg Jin: "At 8 minutes, 38 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…LITTLE DRAGON!!!"
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson raises Little Dragon’s arm as the Denver crowd cheers wildly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon has done it! He came into Denver and defeated his childhood idol with the DSD. This will surely put him in line for a title shot against Hardkore California Champion Joey Little Horse.
Little Dragon goes through the ropes out onto the floor. He slaps hands with all the ringside fans until he gets to a 7 year old boy wearing his mask
Phillip Blauer: That kid’s parents need to check what kind of knock off glue they use on those things to make sure it’s not toxic. Another valuable parenting tip from good ole Uncle Phil.
Little Dragon holds up the young boy, giving him a moment he’ll cherish forever
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon has one of the closest relationships to our young fans that I can remember anyone having. He truly fights for them. Coming up fans, we have a whole lot more action, so don’t go away!
Nick Ketzinger: Hi, I’m Nick Ketzinger of Swinging Waterbed Emporium here to announce our Going Out Of Business sale. My grandfather “Swinging” Saul Ketzinger started Swinging Waterbed Emporium back in 1971 with his famous commercials!
Cut to clip of grainy 70s commercial
“Swinging” Saul Ketzinger: That’s right, Daddy! And remember if you don’t get twice the tail you did before you got a “Swinging” Saul waterbed, I will give you 50% your money back! The ladies can’t help but submit to the motion of the ocean, if ya know what I mean!
Cut back to modern day commercial
Nick Ketzinger: That was our heyday, My grandfather passed it on to my father who passed it on to me and well…looks like I blew it. Yup. I was the crown prince of waterbeds and somehow I squandered my birthright. I don’t know how I’ll look my wife and family in the eye ever again. I pretend to be happy to go to work in the morning, but I just sit in that empty waterbed store. Alone, with nothing but my thoughts. My poisonous, never ending…thoughts. Sometimes, I just want to ram my head through that wall, just to stop them for…even a second.
Nick stares off into space. He shakes his head, at the horror…suddenly he snaps back to attention
Nick Ketzinger: But let my terrible business sense be your good fortune, and come on down to get yourself 60%, 70%, even 80% off on a brand new waterbed. These things were all the rage in the 70s and 80s, I never thought the money would stop rolling in. But then one day, it no longer became cool to sleep on a jiggly floor of swamp water. Whodathunk it? Some visit Swinging Waterbed Emporium on Highway 74, past the old Panera Bread.
Fade back up on Guillermo O’Bannon and Phil Blauer.
Phillip Blauer: I’ll take this one, because it needs a real reporter. Coming up is the match everyone’s been talking about the past few weeks. TMZ and multiple wrestling publications like The Torch, The Observer, and Incel Newz reported that there was a disturbance at Belfast International Airport between the top two Joes in Hardkore World. Joey Little Horse and Joe Nobody. Now both camps have their version of what happened, but I have the full scoop, the straight poop, on this story!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Which is?
Phillip Blauer: Just looking at Joe Nobody’s face, he seems like the kind of guy who would start some drama in a Northern Irish airport.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s your full scoop?
Phillip Blauer: The straight poop!
The lights in The Ball Arena dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The Denver fans cheer asThe lyrics begin appearing on the screen, and then the crowd starts singing along to them, getting louder with each line
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!!
Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie before making his way to the ring
Phillip Blauer: There’s that scoundrel that gets drunk at airport bars. Airport bars. Can you believe it? Is nothing sacred?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody insists the whole fracas started because he mistakenly threw away Joey Little Horse’s luggage at the airport.
Phillip Blauer: Right, and he just so happens to throw away the only sexy Indian in that airport’s luggage? Tell me another one, buddy.
Joe Nobody arrives at the ring steps and takes two steps before he stops suddenly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh! I think some lucky young man is about to get a pretty cool souvenir.
Phillip Blauer: (mocking) “I think some lucky young man is about to get a pretty cool souvenir.” That’s how you sound right now.
Joe Nobody turns and walks down the ring steps to the front row. He finds an embarrassed teenager, who is sheepish from the attention
Phillip Blauer: Who’s this little dweeb?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey! Be nice. That dweeb paid for your fondue kit.
Phillip Blauer: (folds his arms)
Nobody takes his signature fedora off and puts it on the teenager. He smiles and thanks Joe, who pats him on the shoulder
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda.
Phillip Blauer: Look at the way this guy is dressed. Totally ripping off my look! This bag stealing, baby kissing Nobody has really got some nerve talking about all the intimate apparel in Little Horse’s luggage…
Guillermo O’Bannon: …trash bag.
Phillip Blauer: Trash bag. How would he like Joey talking about those dozens of knockoff fedoras he travels with? (to teenager in front row) Believe me, champ, that’s not his walking around hat…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leave him alone, Phil! Joe Nobody doesn’t care about any airport scuffle, he’s here tonight to continue his winning ways here on the West Coast.
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together.
Greg Jin: “The following non-title match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The Ball Arena cheers as Joe Nobody loosens the ropes
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the Denver fans boo. “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse comes dancing down the ramp to show off
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we said, Joey Little Horse has a completely different version of events of what happened at that airport in Northern Ireland, which he says continued into Dublin.
Phillip Blauer: See? It wasn’t about what was or wasn’t in what Joey thinks is a carrying case. It was about Joe Nobody making an embarrassing example of American indulgence and Joey had to shut it down Little Horse Style!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is Little Horse Style?
Phillip Blauer: I imagined it involved jumping over tiny hurdles?
Joey Little Horse stops and points to his Hardkore California Championship belt while doing more seductive dancing. A fan gets his thumbs down between Little Horse and Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After the altercation at the airport, Joey Little Horse refused to put up his Hardkore California Championship.
Phillip Blauer: It’s like my jiggling Geronimo said…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do not call him that.
Phillip Blauer: This isn’t some 24/7 hogwash where you can roll up some guy in the john at Del Taco. The Hardkore California Championship is like a woman. You have to earn her.
Yolanda Ando: Ew.
Joey Little Horse gets into the ring and tells Joe Nobody to get out of his way. Joe Nobody approaches him, but Kelly O’Connell holds him back. Joey Little Horse begins gyrating his body to the beat of his ring music to taunt Nobody
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse says he’ll decide when Joe Nobody deserves a Hardkore California title shot, but if he loses here tonight, it might be a hard case for him to make.
Phillip Blauer: Plus, we’re not in California. Duh. Or are we? No. I don’t remember a weed store at the airport.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He Is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
The Denver audience boos as Little Horse holds up the Hardkore California Championship
Joe Nobody vs. Joey Little Horse
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and the match is underway
Phillip Blauer: Here we go, The Battle of the Joes! Which Joe will reign supreme?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both Joes circle the ring as they size each other up.
Phillip Blauer: You know, just by looking at him, Little Horse doesn’t seem so small. He’s at least as big as Little Dragon.
Joe Nobody goes to lock up, but Joey Little Horse just pushes him away. The Denver audience says “Ohhhh”
Phillip Blauer: That’s for insulting another man’s luggage. We used to be a proper country.
Joey Little Horse starts trash talking Nobody, getting close to his face talking about his big ego
Guillermo O’Bannon: I would be careful if I was Joey Little Horse. Nobody looks pretty tough…Joey Little Horse slaps Nobody across the face!
The crowd boos and Joey Little Horse starts doing some sexy dancing. Joe Nobody rolls his eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody rocks him with a right hand! Another! And another one drops Joey Little Horse to the mat!
The Ball Arena pops! Joe Nobody pulls Little Horse up by the hair, but Joey pokes him in the eye
Guillermo O’Bannon: And after going after the eyes, it’s Little Horse who gains the upper hand and pulls Nobody into a side headlock.
Little Horse squeezes the hold and tries to grind Nobody down. The audience chants “JOE! JOE! JOE!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody is able to reverse the headlock into a side suplex!
Little Horse is back up to his feet quickly and he throws a clothesline attempt but Nobody ducks behind
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody drops Joey Little Horse with a russian leg sweep!
Nobody hooks the far leg. Kelly O’Connell drops down but Little Horse gets his shoulder up. Nobody starts dragging Little Horse to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse buried a couple elbows to Nobody’s abdomen attempting to gain control but Nobody squashes that and drills Little Horse with a snap suplex!
Joe Nobody starts to feel it as he picks up Joey and nails him with a couple forearms that rock the Little Horse
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse comes running in but he takes a rolling arm drag from Nobody!
Joey Little Horse pops back up and throws a punch but Nobody snatches the arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody nails another Brazilian Jiu Jitsu style rolling arm drag.
Little Horse gets up and his punch gets blocked again and this time Joe Nobody switched to the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody impales Joey Little Horse into the mat with a full nelson suplex!
The Denver fans chant “JOE! JOE! JOE!”
Phillip Blauer: But which Joe are they chanting for?
Joe Nobody calls for it with a point in Joey Little Horse’s direction and runs in and like a cyclone
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody nails a beautiful Status Symbol float over DDT!!
Joey Little Horse spikes onto his head and Nobody goes for the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse gets his shoulder up!
Nobody thought that would be three and double checks with Kelly O’Connell as Little Horse catches his breath. Nobody grabs Little Horse and pulls him up to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody swings a clothesline but Joey Little Horse comes to life and kicks the attempt.
Nobody clutches his arm in pain and Little Horse starts to mount a bit of a comeback with his war dance
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse lights Nobody up with tomahawk chops. Joe starts taking chops from all sides as Joey Little Horse gets himself fired up!
Phillip Blauer: Look at this guy! Bam a chop to the chest! Pow a chop to the side of the head! I love it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse hits him with a tomahawk chop right to the neck that staggers Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: Well it staggered somebody.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse finishes him off with a big one to the head!
Nobody drops to the mat from the blow. The fans boo as Joey Little Horse does another little sexy dance
Phillip Blauer: Look at those moves, Guantanamo. They’re hypnotic!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse continues his onslaught with a standing tornado DDT! Horse quickly hooks the leg for a cover!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody kicks out at two point nine!
Nobody drags himself to the corner, clutching his head and trying to shake off the cobwebs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore California Champion Joey Little Horse comes running in and smashes Nobody with a corner clothesline.
Joe Nobody staggers out of the corner and Joey Little Horse irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse spins Nobody in the air with a tiltawhirl suplex!
Phillip Blauer: Nobody is feeling the pressure now. No wait…somebody is feeling the pressure, and it’s Nobody. Wait…dammit!
Joey Little Horse climbs to the top turnbuckle, but Joe Nobody runs over and slugs him in the stomach, crotching Little Horse on the turnbuckle steel cable hook
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody climbs to the second turnbuckle for a superplex, but Little Horse hits him on the top of the head with a tomahawk chop! Little Horse goes up and over with a Greeting From Charlotte sunset tigerbomb!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody claps his legs together on Little Horse’s head!
The Denver fans cheer and Joey Little Horse is beside himself in rage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse grabs Nobody by the leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab. He sits down low trying to bust his knee out. Joe Nobody is too far from the ropes and cannot reach them.
The Ball Arena rocks with jeers. Little Horse wrenches back on the leg doing as much damage as he can. Nobody does anything he can to fight out of it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Once Little Horse started to feel his grip slip he stepped out and then stomped that knee into the mat for good measure.
Phillip Blauer: That is good measure.
Joe writhes around on the mat clutching his knee. Joey Little Horse keeps up the action with a couple of forearm clubs and stomps to the back.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse pulls Nobody up by the hair and scoops him up, dropping him into a hard backbreaker. Little Horse keeps the pressure by pushing Nobody’s body down over his knee attempting to hyperextend the spine.
Nobody yells out in pain and struggles against the hold, finally getting a leg free. He uses that free leg to kick Horse in the head.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After a few well placed strikes, Joe Nobody is free and he gets back to his feet but has the damage been done?
Phillip Blauer: Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention, has what been done?
Joey Little Horse shakes off the blows and goes for a tie up. Nobody hits a few elbows to the midsection and backs Horse up to the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody goes behind looking for a german suplex but his back and knee hurt him too much and he can’t lift him.
Phillip Blauer: We all have problems.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse staggers Nobody with a back elbow. Nobody drills Little Horse with a european uppercut! He sets up for a fisherman’s buster, but Nobody’s knee buckled a bit on the first lift!
Joe Nobody lets out a warriors scream and the Detroit native hoists Joey up and transitions into an orange crush powerbomb
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse claps his legs together on Nobody’s head!
Nobody is shocked and the Joey from North Carolina gets up onto spaghetti legs and a far away look in his eyes. Nobody pounds the pain out of his knee and signals that it’s all over for the valiant Joey Little Horse
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody gets a quick bounce off the ropes and runs in and nails the Denial of Perfection running STO smack dab in the middle of the ring!! Joe hooks both legs and pins him tight!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Denver fans cheer and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays as Joe Nobody pumps his fist. Kelly O’Connell raises his arm as he tries to catch his breath
Greg Jin: “At 14 minutes 6 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…JOE NOBODY!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody with another huge win over the Hardkore California Champion “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse in a non-title match.
Phillip Blauer: Doesn’t count.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes it does. Nobody so far undefeated here in Hardkore World, and both Little Horse as well as Hardkore West Coast Champion “The High Roller” Wesley Crane would do well to look out for him.
Joey Little Horse grabs his Hardkore California Championship and clutches it to his chest. He walks down the aisle saying “I’m still champ!” The fan that Joe Nobody gave the fedora to gives hm a thumbs down
Chemtrails…Area 51…the JFK Assassination…
What else is the government lying to us about? What’s real? And what’s a government coverup?
Open on a dark parking garage. The camera pans over to a dark corner. The orange glow of a cigarette is the only thing you can see, until a man in a fedora and trenchcoat steps out of the shadow
Man: Maybe all we’ve been told about tanning beds causing skin cancer is just another example of the government telling you what you can and can’t have? But I’m not telling you anything. Do your own research and see what you decide about your God given tanning freedoms.
The man drops the cigarette and steps on it
Man: Your cocoa brown complexion could depend on it.
Brought to you by Tropical Tans 4 You, off Highway 74 next to Swinging Waterbed Emporium
Fade back up on Guillermo O’Bannon and Phil Blauer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Up next is a match that should surely be a clash of styles, The Sheik taking on Callum Cornwall.
Phillip Blauer: Part of me wants to see that young kid’s face smashed in with a chair, and yet another big part of me wants to see The Sheik get embarrassed by the young upstart. As the kids say “The struggle is real.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kids don’t say that anymore.
Phillip Blauer: They don’t? What do they say?
Yolanda Ando: Phil sucks.
Phillip Blauer: They do not. Do they? But I’m so hip and mod.
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis plays and the Denver fans cheer loudly. “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall has every right to be angry. He lost his Hardkore California title to “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023 after Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen was injured in San Jose. He had no ability to prepare for his opponent, and was blindsided by the late entry.
Phillip Blauer: Look, you gotta be able to adapt in this business.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What about the time you walked out when the vending machine in Fresno didn’t have Sprite?
Phillip Blauer: 7 Up is only to be used medicinally for tummy aches.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then what about the time you left Reno because you sneezed when you peed?
Phillip Blauer: There was no telling what kind of damage I did to myself! You’re mixing multiple systems there.
Yolanda Ando: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall wears simple wrestling boots and black tights that have tentacles painted on them in gold.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. But Cornwall can’t worry about getting his belt back from Little Horse tonight, he’s got all he can handle from the wild Sheik. He felt disrespected by The Sheik and says he will not be ignored.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Salford in the United Kingdom; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Denver fans pop. The Sheik runs out like a wild animal with Malcolm Xavier Graves trying to control him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And The Sheik does not look to be in a good place mentally.
Phillip Blauer: And that’s probably not a good thing for The Squid physically.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No. Sheik had very little to say this month, and prefers to do his talking inside the ring.
The Sheik tears away from Malcolm Xavier Graves and runs towards the ring
Greg Jin: “Accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves…”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik attacks Callum Cornwall before the bell!!
Phillip Blauer: Our hero, ladies and gentleman.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A vicious clothesline from behind sends Cornwall through the ropes out onto the floor!
The Sheik dives through the ropes out after him. He walks over and starts stomping a retreating Cornwall as Malcolm Xavier Graves insults The Salford Squid. The Sheik shouts something to MXG who then rushes toward the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik picks Cornwall up and hits a suplex in the aisleway!!
The Sheik then mounts his opponent and lays in some hard punches. Malcolm Xavier Graves returns with a steel chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik uses that chair to choke Cornwall!
Phillip Blauer: You know, you can hit people with those too.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, The Sheik is well aware of that. He stands up and hits an Arabian Skullcrusher on Cornwall!!
The Sheik throws the chair aside and drags Cornwall toward the ring. The Sheik then picks Cornwall up and rolls him into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik makes the cover, but the match hasn’t even begun!
Phillip Blauer: Dummy.
Tommy Milligan tells Guillermo and Phil that the match is a no contest.
Phillip Blauer: What?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan saying that this match is a no contest.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think so, I distinctly heard him brag about his new glow Tron vest. Look at him, being so smug.
The fans boo as Malcolm Xavier Graves climbs up onto the apron to protest. The Sheik begins screaming at the referee and insulting him in Arabic
Phillip Blauer: I think one of those is the F word.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Salford Squid pulls himself up using the ropes and motions for the Sheik to fight him. What an indomitable fighting spirit!
Tommy Milligan runs over to Cornwall to discuss his decision. Cornwall nods, then Milligan tells Guillermo and Phil that Callum Cornwall will fight
Phillip Blauer: No, Tommy I will not get you a Sprite. I’m working!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, he said The Squid will fight and we are on!
The Sheik vs. "The Salford Squid" Callum Cornwall
The bell is rung, and the Sheik runs over and knees Cornwall in the stomach.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall doubles over and is planted with a DDT by the Sheik!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
The Sheik curses, then slaps the Squid in the face
Phillip Blauer: I have a recurring dream where I do that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik climbs the ropes and comes off with a diving leg drop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik picks the Squid up and backs him into the ropes. The Sheik shoots Cornwall across the ring, then takes him down with a clothesline.
The Sheik runs to the corner, then hops up to the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik backflips off the top turnbuckle with a moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik trying to put away The Squid early but Cornwall is out yet. As Cornwall rolls over onto his stomach, the Sheik applies the LeBell Lock!
The Squid yells out in pain as the Sheik wrenches back in the hold. Tommy Milligan checks in but The Squid won’t give up. Malcolm Xavier Graves laughs at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik rocking back in his head and arm, but now The Squid begins to drag himself using his feet and his one free arm.
The Denver crowd is cheering for The Squid to make it. The Squid inches closer and closer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Before he can grab the ropes, The Sheik releases the hold and hits a double ax-handle smash to the back of Cornwall’s head! The Sheik tosses Cornwall to the outside!
The Sheik steps through the ropes and stands on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits a leg drop off the apron onto Cornwall on the outside of the ring!!
The ringsiders chant “SHEIK!! SHEIK!! SHEIK!!” but he ignores them
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik goes back to the LeBell Lock out on the floor! The Squid can do nothing but suffer!
Phillip Blauer: That’s all he’s good for anyway.
The Sheik continues to wrench back on Cornwall’s head and arm, but MXG comes over and tells him to release it and he does. Sheik pulls him up by the hair and tosses the Squid back into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik flips over the top with a somersault leg drop! The Sheik doesn’t make a cover, but backs away from Cornwall.
Phillip Blauer: What’s the hubbub, bub?
The Sheik screams something in Arabic as Malcolm Xavier Graves begins clapping. Cornwall struggles to get to his feet. He finally pulls himself up, but has to hold onto the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m not sure what The Sheik has planned but Callum’s legs are wobbly as he shakes his head unaware of the catastrophe that awaits him. The Squid turns around as the Sheik goes for the Scimitar, but Cornwall ducks the kick and hits a desperation pele kick!
The Denver fans pop as The Sheik stumbles back. Squid hits a dropkick to his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik drops to a knee and shakes his head as he’s still feeling the pele kick. The Squid scrambles up and hits a discus elbow smash!
The Sheik remains up after catching himself with his left arm. The Sheik steadies himself on his knee as the Squid leaps up to the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Squid comes off with a missile dropkick that finally takes the Sheik down!!
The fans cheer on the Squid tries to capitalize on his momentum. Malcolm Xavier Graves screams instructions to The Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall gets up and drives his knee into the Sheik’s face. The Squid pulls down both knee pads and hits a jumping double knee smash to the Sheik’s face!
…ONE!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik kicking out with authority there. Cornwall mounts the Sheik and punches away with a flurry of fists until Tommy Milligan forces the break.
The Squid takes the chance to pull up his knee pads as the Sheik gets up. The Squid plays the crowd and then kicks the Sheik in the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Salford Squid is looking for the Confidence of Syberus with the single underhook, but The Sheik throws the Squid into the corner.
The Sheik catches Cornwall with an overhead chop that floors the Squid and then applies a camel clutch
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik quickly applies the Last Crusade! But Cornwall is close enough to the ropes to grab one and force a break. Milligan asking Sheik to break The Last Crusade, but he won’t!
Phillip Blauer: That’s his prerogative.
Tommy Milligan begins the count and gets to four before The Sheik releases The Last Crusade
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s clear the Sheik knew the Squid was too close to the ropes, but just wanted to assert his dominance. The Sheik now just applies the Last Crusade again!
The Sheik locks his fingers underneath Callum’s chin and reaches back on his head and neck. Cornwall gets the break a little slower this time, but manages to get his foot on the bottom rope. Tommy Milligan starts counting again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, the Sheik holds on until he is one count from disqualification.
Malcolm Xavier Graves leans on the apron to taunt the Squid. The Squid rolls out of the ring. As he doubles over due to the effects of the Last Crusade, MXG gets closer to tell Cornwall how hopeless things are for him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Squid reaches out and grabs MXG by the collar!! He is tired of Graves’ mouth!
Phillip Blauer: Everyone is, but you don’t mess with another man’s collar. It’s just the rules.
The Denver fans cheer as the Squid throws back his fist
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tries to get involved and come to the rescue, but the Squid ducks. The Sheik stops short of hitting Graves. He turns around and is hit with an enziguri as the Squid springboards off the apron!!
The Sheik falls on the apron. The Squid rolls him into the ring and plays to the fans again
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall picks The Sheik up in a single underhook and looks for the Confidence of Syberus, but The Sheik throws him onto the mat.
The Sheik tries for an elbow drop, but the Squid scrambles out of the way.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As The Sheik rises, the Squid looks for the Confidence of Syberus again, but the Sheik goes for a release Northern Lights suplex. The Squid manages to flip onto his feet to save himself, but turns around into a black mass kick known as The Scimitar!! He reapplies The Last Crusade!!
The Sheik nearly bends Callum Cornwall in half, leaning back on one knee. Tommy Milligan checks in but Cornwall refuses to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik swings for the fences and finally The Squid has to tap out to The Last Crusade!!
The bell rings and The Ball Arena cheers as “Seasons In The Abyss” by Stone Sour plays
Greg Jin: “At 11 minutes 48 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…THE SHEIK!!!”
The Sheik tears his arm away from Tommy Milligan when he tries to raise it, and he dives through the ropes out to the floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves struggles to keep up as Sheik stomps back to the locker room
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik was in such a dour mood, he attacked Callum Cornwall before the bell and got the jump on him. It was more than Squid could come back from, but he made a valiant attempt to continue.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, that was stupid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t go away, fans we have the championship matches coming up!
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Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our first championship match of the night out of three. Kilroy Evans and Marty Donovan reform The Mischief Express to try to win the belts off of The Anointed, tonight composed of Steve Awesome and Alexander Von Blankenship.
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) How many times must The Anointed prove their the greatest tag team in Hardkore World?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They’re called title defenses, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: (folds his arms) Just seems silly.
The theme from Midnight Express plays as smoke starts billowing out the curtains at the top of the entrance ramp. Suddenly the 7 year old Lil Corny comes out in a pink jacket and a red suit, with a fuzzy tennis racket. “Kiss Stealin” Kilroy Evans and and “Manly” Marty Donovan strut out in sequinned black ring jackets. The pop of the night so far, as fans crane over the railing trying to touch Marty and Kilroy
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Mischief Express back together after 15 years!
Phillip Blauer: It’s way too soon. More hotshot booking.
Kilroy slaps the fans’ hands and points to signs that say “Kiss-Stealin Kilroy” with hearts all over it, and “Marty Has Walt Disney’s Corpse”. Marty takes the tennis racket away from the seven year old child and uses it to cut his way through the audience’s hands and arms to the ringside area. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. protects Lil Corny through the fans out to ringside as well. Kilroy stays behind and points at The Rat Boy sign someone is holding
Phillip Blauer: I know he thinks it’s funny to mock a child…
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s in his early twenties, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: A wee babe.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan already holding the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championships with Florida Man after winning a tournament in New York City, defeating The New Untouchables, Wesley Crane’s henchmen Rage & Cage, and The Brothers Gluck.
Phillip Blauer: He won UK titles in New York? They should throw that out immediately.
Yolanda Ando: Under those ring jackets, Marty Donovan is wearing a puce speedo with the Disney Plus logo on it. He also wears Bryan Danielson style boots and kick pads with the signature Disney D on the knees. Kilroy wears a black “I Accuse My Parents” MST 3000 t-shirt with sneakers and jeans.
Kilroy Evans and Marty get in the ring as Lil Corny waves the tennis racket at the fans.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty looking to counter Hasbulla being at ringside, by coming down to the ring with Lil Corny.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure Child Protective Services would love to hear about Marty having a child for a backup for a fight with two trained athletes and a grown man.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, we cleared this. Are you kidding me? It’s Colorado, Phil. Dog the Bounty Hunter had 11 year olds chasing meth heads down alleyways. But Marty also wants to show his gratitude to Kilroy for standing by him, even when he was allowing The Anointed to hurt him and The Society of the New Breed. He also would love to take those Hardkore World Tag Team Championships from the group that violently kicked him out.
Phillip Blauer: Just like when I kicked the Mickey’s corn dogs out of him at The Hardkore BBQ.
Yolanda Ando: Why were you guys naked?
Phillip Blauer: I was very clear about the reasons for all the accidental pantsing with Talent Relations and Judy Valentine Jr. and she seem to buy it…, I mean, believe me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Can we have one picnic where you don’t wind up naked?
Phillip Blauer: It doesn’t seem to be in the cards.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy says that The Anointed have a ‘CVS size receipt’ coming for what they’ve done to Marty, Dan, The Sheik and himself. He defeated Steve Awesome in the Sadistic Madness match at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023, and now he’s looking to take his Hardkore World Tag Team Championship.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! Your referee is Richie ‘Pee Wee’ Richardson…”
Lil Corny taps Greg’s hip and motions for the microphone. Greg smiles and bends down and hands it to him
Lil Corny: “Denver - you have so many mountains! On my way over here, I looked up at the sky, and though I was IN Doom! SOOOO MANY! I am so jealous, you are very lucky to live here!”
The audience cheers while Marty and Kilroy motion for them to get louder
Lil Corny: “Good night!"
The child starts to leave, before remembering he has a job to finish.
Phillip Blauer: This is ridiculous. That child should be in bed. He probably has a coal mine or a lye factory to get to in the morning.
Lil Corny: “Oh yeah, the champions! Mister Marty is so manly that you may have hot flashes, but don't try to kiss him! Because Mister Kilroy will try to steal them. He has a real problem. ........but not as bad a problem as their opponents, whose problem has a name…THE MISCHIEF EXPRESS!!!”
The Denver crowd drowns out Lil Corny at the end cheering for Marty and Kilroy
All the lights in The Ball Arena die out and some of the fans in attendance start chanting Steve Awesome’s name.
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Dramatic Pause.
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in The Ball Arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones. Alexander Von Blankenship steps out from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. He holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face. Hasbulla comes out blowing his whistle over and over
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her won't you tell her for me/
It's better this way to avoid all the misery
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed unified the Hardkore World Tag Team belts by defeating “The Punisher” Dan Stein and Marty Donovan in that brutal dog collar cage match at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023.
Phillip Blauer: That’s right, you don’t see Dan The Man around that much anymore, do you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, he sustained a back injury in that match. He’ll be back.
Phillip Blauer: An elbow surgery here, a back injury there. When is he going to realize his body is slowly betraying him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: You know, he’s watching.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think they get us in Michigan.
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. AVB looks out at the crowd, his smirk now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring, Von Blankenship points to fans holding signs that has a possum dressed as Steve Awesome that says “Steve Possum” “Rat Boy”, and “The Annoying”, stating loudly "I'm better than you, you, and you!" as he goes. Hasbulla whistles at the fans, demanding they be kicked out, doing the referee “ejection” motion
Guillermo O’Bannon: It drives Steve Awesome up a wall that Kilroy Evans beat him in that terribly bloody Sadistic Madness match at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023.
Phillip Blauer: The man is a two time X Crown winner and a NCW Hall of Famer. Imagine being pinned to the mat by someone like Kilroy. Now he knows what a Slim Jim that fell behind the couch cushion feels.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship says the reason they took The Anointed away from Marty was that he wasn’t as cutthroat as AVB, Wesley Crane, and Steve Awesome, as they proved after the WarGames match in Seattle back in May.
Phillip Blauer: AVB coming in hot with the hard facts. Marty is a sociopath who uses people, and now it’s Kilroy’s turn. Kilroy is an illiterate that abandoned Sheik, who went through great pains to begin to trust anyone other than MXG. Together, they have no hope at unseating the greatest pairing since Sunny & somas..
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy did not abandon The Sheik, they had different opponents tonight is all.
Phillip Blauer: See, you don’t have any friends, so you don’t get it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I have friends.
Phillip Blauer: Who?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jackie and I are supposed to go mini-golfing tomorrow.
The camera nods its head. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him. Meanwhile, AVB walks up the steps to the ring, and stops before he gets inside. He gives the ring the sign of the cross
Phillip Blauer: My good man is trying to exorcize the ring of the bad ju ju left by The Sheik and that Squid Kid.
Yolanda Ando: Steve Awesome wears a black leather jacket with green frills hanging off in various places. He has on some classic aviator sunglasses with neon green tights with a bunch of black sparkly "SA"'s patterned on his tights similar to HBK. On the butt, it says "Awesome" inside a heart. He has black kneepads with the logo on each knee and black and green boots. His wristbands are black with green trim. Alexander Von Blankenship wears dark blue Adidas sweatpants, shirtless, with his hands taped like a boxer, with AVB written across the knuckles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda.
Steve Awesome spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him. Meanwhile, AVB walks up the steps to the ring, and stops before he gets inside. He gives the ring the sign of the cross
Guillermo O’Bannon: To show you the lengths that Steve Awesome has gone to cope with his loss at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023, he went to dog trainer and occupational reality show star Cesar Milan for help on how to control Kilroy like a dog.
Phillip Blauer: I wasn’t there because Cesar Milan still has major heat with me from when his chihuahua killed my swan, Champagne back when we were neighbors. There were lawyers, judgements, arson, arson investigations, arson investigators going missing, it was a whole thing.
Hasbulla is in the ring, blowing his whistle repeatedly while pointing at Lil Corny, who seems scared. Alexander Von Blankenship climbs to the outside turnbuckle, and looks towards the entire crowd. He holds up his Hardkore World Tag Team Championship and yells out "Always Very Blessed!" before jumping down into the ring. He stares down Marty and Kilroy, with a arrogant grin
Greg Jin: “And their opponents are accompanied to the ring by Hasbulla! Featuring first, from Amsterdam in The Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall and Weighing 215 pounds…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!! His partner is from Detroit, Michigan, He stands 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds; He is The Current XHF HARDCORE CHAMPION…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!! They are THE HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE ANOINTED!!!”
The Denver crowd boos as Awesome and Von Blankenship hold up their Hardkore World Tag Team title belts. Kilroy stares right though Steve Awesome, who breaks eye contact and starts conferring with Hasbulla and Von Blankenship
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship
The Anointed (Steve Awesome and Alexander Von Blankenship)
vs.
The Mischief Express (Disney's Marty Donovan and Kilroy Evans)
Steve Awesome and Kilroy Evans elect to start out. Steve Awesome goes to lock up, but Kilroy catches him coming in with a snap mare
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Kiss Stealin’” Kilroy goes for a reverse chinlock, but Steve Awesome slips out and goes over the top with a chinlock of his own.
Kilroy tries to escape but Steve cinches it in and pressures him lower to the ground. Lil Corny starts slapping the canvas and the fans start clapping
Guillermo O’Bannon: This Colorado crowd is trying to root on Kilroy early on in this match, and it’s worked, Kilroy is already on his feet. Evans rocks Awesome with an elbow to his stomach.
Another elbow to the stomach frees Kilroy from the reverse chinlock. Evans grabs an armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Kilroy Evans was here in Denver, Colorado was 19 years ago when he defeated “God’s Gift” Jeremiah Vastrix. He tightens up on Steve Awesome’s arm, and tries to wrench it out of its socket.
Richie Richardson checks in but Steve Awesome refuses to submit. Kilroy Evans sinks his teeth into Awesome’s fingers. Steve screams in pain as The Ball Arena pops
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy Evans trying to hit Steve Awesome in the pocketbook by biting those fingers, knowing he has hand modeling gigs in the wings. Mob Adjacent Pinky Rings has a five commercial deal with him for the next Super Bowl.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy chews on Awesome’s fingers! He gives Steve’s arm another twist and tags in Marty.
The Denver crowd roars as Marty Donovan steps up to the second turnbuckle. He jumps off with a double ax handle, hitting Awesome’s twisted arm. Steve Awesome snatches his arm back to his stomach, holding it close to his body
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Manly” Marty Donovan grabs Awesome by the legs and drops him into an inverted atomic drop.
Steve Awesome clutches his balls as Donovan runs into the ropes. He takes Awesome out with a sling blade! Donovan grabs an armbar with a headscissors
Guillermo O’Bannon: Pluma blanca!! Marty stretches out that arm while clamping down on the head in that leglock.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in but Steve refuses to give up. Marty starts talking trash to Awesome
Marty Donovan: “You think you’re a Gaston, but you’re just the heel chef from Ratatouille.”
The audience lets out a collective “OH!”
Phillip Blauer: That was really unnecessary.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He calls them as he sees them. Steve Awesome reaches out and is able to grab the ropes.
Richie Richardson tells Marty to release the pluma blanca. Marty shakes his head and clamps down on his head and arm. The fans cheer as Richardson lays in the count
Phillip Blauer: Where’s your “Oh, come on!” here?? Marty Donovan blatantly breaking the rules here, but not a peep from old Gustavo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty breaks the pluma blanca by the count of five. He pulls Steve up by the hair and irish whips him into the turnbuckles. He follows in but Steve is waiting for him with a boot the the face!
The cheers turn to jeers as a stunned Donovan falls into the turnbuckles. Steve Awesome goes to the kitty corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome charges in with a stinger splash!
The crowd boos. Marty sinks into the corner, and Awesome backs up into the diagonal corner again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome charges in with a bronco buster!
Phillip Blauer: Look at those bankable movie star member of The Anointed’s genitals grinding on Marty’s face! It must be excruciating in more ways than one.
Steve Awesome does an exaggerated crotch chop and The Ball Arena rocks with boos. He walks over to Alexander Von Blankenship and tags him in. The fans heckle AVB as he steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship stomps Marty Donovan in the corner, over and over.
The jeers get louder and AVB takes a second to wave on the fans to boo him even more. Von Blankenship stomps Marty again as he’s lying against the bottom turnbuckle. Hasbulla blows his whistle over and over. He gets on top of Donovan in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB bludgeons Marty in the corner with stiff right hands!
The fans chant “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” and Alexander Von Blankenship pauses, looking around The Ball Arena at all of them. AVB kisses his fist and the boos rain down
Phillip Blauer: What is wrong with these people? He is a human being. With feelings and emotions.
Von Blankenship pulls Marty Donovan up to his feet in the corner and smacks him with a hard chop to the chest. Another chop gets some boos from the Denver audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship smacks Marty Donovan with another blistering chop. He irish whips him, but Marty reverses it and shoots AVB into the turnbuckles. He comes in with a head of steam with a corner dropkick!
Marty Donovan sweeps AVB’s legs out with a leg sweep. He steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan slingshots himself over the ropes into a dropkick while Von Blankenship sits against the bottom turnbuckle!!
The Ball Arena lets out another “OH!” as AVB’s head rocks back from the impact. Marty tags in Kilroy Evans, who pulls Von Blankenship up into a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan hits AVB with a clothesline while Kilroy Evans drops him in a german suplex!
…ONE!
…(Alexander Von Blankenship rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans scoops Alexander Von Blankenship up and starts walking him around the ring, similar to how his father, Rat Bastard used to.
Phillip Blauer: Again, getting needlessly personal here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He fallaway slams AVB across the ring!
The audience roars, recognizing the Rat Bastard reference. Kilroy Evans comes over to AVB, but Blankenship goes for a kick, however Kilroy catches his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans dragon screws him to the mat. Alexander Von Blankenship gets up but walks right into a drop toehold.
Kilroy floats over into a side headlock. On the outside, Lil Corny applauds, then pounds his tennis racket into the apron. However, AVB slips his head out and gets to his feet. While Evans is on the mat, Von Blankenship stomps the back of Kilroy’s knee. Evans howls in pain, as he holds his knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship holds on to those ropes for balance and stomps Kilroy’s knee again.
Hasbulla blows his whistle incessantly. Kilroy pulls himself up to his feet, but AVB goes low and catches his leg, twisting Evans knee with a dragon screw of his own. He tags in Steve Awesome and then irish whips Kilroy into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome lays Kilroy out with a high leg clothesline!
Awesome slaps the back of Kilroy’s head. He chuckles to himself and says “Bad dog!” then slaps Evans again in the back of the head
Phillip Blauer: I know it looks bad, but you have to get their respect early, or they start shitting everywhere.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome slaps Kilroy in the back of the head again!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
The rest of the Denver crowd drowns them out with boos. Awesome picks him up in an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulls him up and over with a reverse suplex!
Kilroy holds his chest and rolls over onto his back. Lil Corny tries to yell some encouraging words to him from ringside. Awesome backs Kilroy into the turnbuckles, and laces Evans’ leg through the second and top rope. Steve backs up into another corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome gets a running start and knees Kilroy in the side of the knee.
Kilroy grimaces in pain, but then grabs Awesome by the shoulders and switches places with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy climbs up the turnbuckles and starts raining punches down on Steve Awesome!
The Ball Arena counts along to ten, and then Kilroy gets down. Steve Awesome walks away, perfectly fine
Phillip Blauer: See? It’ll take more than that to…
Steve Awesome falls flat on his face, popping the crowd
Phillip Blauer: Oh.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans scoops Steve Awesome up and drops that arm that was in the pluma blanca into a shoulderbreaker.
Awesome holds his shoulder and kicks his toes into the mat in pain. Kilroy tags in Marty and then irish whips Awesome into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy drop toe holds Awesome onto the ropes near his corner and Marty follows up with a dropkick to the back of the head! They’re getting their old Mischief Express timing down.
Phillip Blauer: Careful, if Marty starts feeling too much like the old him, he’ll no show every other town.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty atomic drops Awesome’s feet on the top rope, turns around, and then drops down into a rope held neckbreaker!
Steve Awesome sits up in pain, clutching the back of his neck. The crowd cheers and Marty feeds off their energy, screaming
Marty Donovan: “I LOVE DISNEY PLUS!!!”
Phillip Blauer: There’s such a thing as too much brand awareness…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty hammerlocks Awesome’s arm behind him, single overhooks his arm, and lifts him up into a gloria on Steve’s chicken winged arm!
Steve Awesome nurses his left arm, holding it close to his body. Marty Donovan lifts Awesome up by the hair while the audience chants “MARTY!! MARTY!! MARTY!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan tosses Steve Awesome over the ropes to the floor below!
Phillip Blauer: Oof, Steve did not look like he landed well.
Hasbulla blows his whistle repeatedly, demanding a disqualification from Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Alexander Von Blankenship goes over to the apron to check on his partner. Kilroy Evans steps through the ropes into the ring, and then gets on his hands and knees by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan gets a running start and uses Kilroy’s back as a springboard as he jumps onto the middle of the top rope and hits The Anointed with a somersault senton!!
The Ball Arena erupts as all Donovan, Von Blankenship, and Awesome lie on the floor. Hasbulla obnoxiously blows his whistle some more. Kilroy Evans steps through the ropes out on to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship gets up but Kilroy catches him from behind with a bulldog off the apron onto the railing!!
Marty Donovan rolls back onto the apron. He hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault reverse DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reedy Creek Racing on the floor!!
Steve Awesome tries to crawl under the ring but Kilroy Evans grabs him by the legs and turns him over onto his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans slingshots Awesome facefirst into the underside of the ring!
Phillip Blauer: Great, three months from now, we’re going to find out that’s why Dan Stein’s foot went through the canvas since Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. isn’t going to fix it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy picks up a chair and smashes AVB over the head with it!!
The Denver fans let out a collective “OH!” and AVB goes down like a redwood. Marty Donovan is near the front row, giving a young kid some passes to California Adventure.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Aw, that’s nice.
Phillip Blauer: They probably expire today.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Probably, but it’s the thought that counts.
Steve Awesome gets up, and Kilroy jams the top of the chair into his shoulder. Evans then turns his attention to AVB
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans now jams the top of that chair into the kneecap of Von Blankenship!
Phillip Blauer: Someone get that chair away from him! He’s gonna kill us all!
Alexander Von Blankenship sits up, howling in pain. Kilroy lifts up the chair again, but Steve Awesome superkicks it into his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome Thigh Slapper Superkicked that chair right into Kilroy’s face, and he is laid out!!
Marty Donovan turns around from handing out free California Adventure tickets and is caught with a canadian destroyer DDT by Steve Awesome
Guillermo O’Bannon: Flip of the Franchise on the concrete!!
Steve Awesome kips up and soaks in the boos from the Denver fans. Meanwhile, Alexander Von Blankenship pulls himself up by the apron. Awesome rolls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty crawls back onto the apron, and Steve Awesome tags in Alexander Von Blankenship. AVB goes over to the ropes, and pulls Donovan up for a suplex over the ropes back into the ring, but halts, and bounces Marty’s feet off the top rope for a slingshot suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Alexander Von Blankenship butterflies Marty Donovan’s arms and lifts him up into an angel’s wings
Guillermo O’Bannon: Purification!!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB scoops Marty up and tosses him across the ring with a fallaway slam!
The Ball Arena rocks with boos and AVB sits up, with his arms up, smiling. He pulls Donovan up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes, catching him with a spinebuster
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship irish whips Marty into the ropes, he ducks down for a backdrop, but Marty goes up and over with a sunset flip into an anklelock! Tinto's Trap!
Lil Corny aka Tinto pounds on the apron in celebration! Alexander Von Blankenship reaches out for the ropes while Hasbulla blows his whistle in protest
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Mischief Express has been targeting that leg of AVB for the entire match and Marty swinging for the fences here to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles!
Phillip Blauer: The way that little fella…
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a shot of Lil Corny
Phillip Blauer: Not that one, the other one.
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of Hasbulla blowing his whistle
Phillip Blauer: That’s my guy. The way he’s blowing that whistle, it tends to make me believe something illegal has been done to procure that Tinto’s Trap. It’s worth looking into.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No it isn’t. “Manly” Marty Donovan wraps his legs around AVB’s leg and drops down into an on the mat version of Tinto’s Trap!
Alexander Von Blankenship desperately reaches out towards Hasbulla. Hasbulla climbs up the ring steps over to the ropes and hands Von Blankenship something
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hasbulla just handed AVB something, Danny get a shot of that!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close-up of Von Blankenship’s hand which now has a small chain wrapped around it
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s a chain! AVB has a chain right now, and Marty is completely unaware!
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure the little guy was just returning it. I imagine covets shiny things.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship kicks his way out of the Tinto’s Trap. Marty comes over and tries to pull him up, but AVB blasts him in the face with that chain around his fist!!
The Ball Arena rocks with boos, and Marty lies out. AVB holds his knee, and struggles to crawl to his corner. Suddenly, Lil Corny slides into the ring and the crowd roars
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Lil Corny!! He’s seen all he can stands and he can’t stands no more!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
The volatile Hasbulla asks Corny if he wants to go. Corny cocks his tennis racket, and they both charge each other
Phillip Blauer: Catfight…or, kitten fight!!!
Hasbulla punches Lil Corny, stopping him immediately. The 7 year old child’s face turns from shock…then a grimace…then a long, wailing cry
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on. He punches a child?
Phillip Blauer: A child that’s nearly twice the size of him!
Kilroy Evans rolls into the ring to go after Hasbulla, but Steve Awesome grabs him from behind with a crossface chicken wing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans tries to intervene on behalf of Lil Corny, but Steve grabs him in The Awesome Lock!!
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers.
Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s El Rey!! Former X Crown Champion! What is he doing here?
El Rey looks around soaking up his first Hardkore pop before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, it’s El Rey!! The former X Man Champion! What is he doing here!?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I just said that.
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) You had no idea who this was. The rascal had a mask! Besides, isn’t our roster getting a little bloated as it is?
El Rey slides into the ring and Hasbulla backs up, and hides behind a limping Alexander Von Blankenship
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey was visiting some friends in the back, and I’m sure he saw Hasbulla strike a child, and no one is going to stand for that!
AVB throws his arms up asking El Rey if he wants to do something about it. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson has had enough and tries to eject both Hasbulla and Lil Corny from the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey walks right up to AVB…but walks right past him?
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson El Rey pulls Marty up and pulls his head into his legs. While Richardson has his back turned, El Rey lifts Donovan up and slams him face first into a styles clash
Guillermo O’Bannon: What?? He just hit The Legacy Killer on Marty Donovan!!
Phillip Blauer: What a great addition to the Hardkore roster!
The Denver fans boo and El Rey rolls out of the ring with a huge smile on his face. Steve Awesome crossface chicken wing suplexes Kilroy
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesomeplex on Kilroy Evans!! AVB smirks and rolls Marty over, making the cover!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is ridiculous. Is El Rey the newest member of The Anointed?
Phillip Blauer: Looks that way! And I for one couldn’t be happier! I hope he decides to keep the mask off. It’s confusing to some of the viewers.
“Blessed Up” by Wande plays and El Rey rolls into the ring to celebrate with AVB and Steve Awesome
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 43 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE ANOINTED!!!”
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a shot of a hysterically crying Lil Corny as Kilroy carries him to the back. Marty staggers behind them
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey pretended to be concerned for the welfare of Lil Corny, when it was all a set-up to keep the Hardkore World Tag Team titles in The Anointed. What a piece of work.
“The High Roller” Wesley Crane joins AVB, El Rey, Hasbulla and Awesome in the ring and they raise their arms under showers of jeers and heckling from the Denver fans. Hasbulla jumps up and down, blowing his whistle
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Seattle this past May, The Anointed was torn in half. They seemingly have regained full strength with the stunning introduction of El Rey.
Trash starts being hurled into the ring as El Rey stands on the middle of the second rope, inviting their hatred. Phil gets hit with a half full cup of Cherry Pepsi
Phillip Blauer: Hey kid, learn to throw!
Guillermo O’Bannon: We urge the fans not to throw debris into the ring, but they can’t help it…
Phillip Blauer: True, they are mountain folk.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, I am talking about the disgusting display they just watched, and the miscarriage of justice they just paid to attend.
Phillip Blauer: Agree to disagree.
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and his team have to clear a way through the booing fans to escort The Anointed to the locker room
Guillermo O’Bannon: Look at the expression on their faces, they are loving this!
Phillip Blauer: They love the heat, baby. Give em some more.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Larry’s probably going to have to arrange a police escort to Denver airport after this. Don’t go away, fans, we still have two title matches ahead, with the West Coast title match between “The High Roller” Wesley Crane and Simon Cruise as well as the 60 minute marathon match between Hardkore World Champion Cross Recoba and former champion Kalmin Watts!
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Pick your favorite Hardkore Wrestler and then do career mode! Try and win the Hardkore World Championship and then defend it!
Or do any dream match you want in our Dream Match mode.
Matthew X vs. The Sheik!
Gandhi The Butcher vs. Cross Recoba!
The Mischief Express vs. Memphis Vice!
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With all of the signature matches like Hardkore Helloween! The LA Freeway Match! Sadistic Madness! Double Hell Match!
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next is our Hardkore West Coast Championship match between “The High Roller” Wesley Crane and Simon Cruise. Cruise won this title shot by winning a ladder match last month at Irish Rage in Belfast 2023. He’s been undefeated since arriving here on the West Coast, but now runs into his biggest challenge since coming to Hardkore World, the Hardkore World Tag Team Champion, and Hardkore West Coast Champion Wesley Crane.
Phillip Blauer: Simon Cruise thinks he has it all thought out, but Wesley Crane knows all the inside info on this skater chop, and has his number. Odds are, Crane is the sure bet!
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over the PA system. A fan in the front row has a surfboard that he holds up in the air to the beat of the song. A beach ball starts bouncing around the crowd. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue short board. If any of the Denver crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise with his first title shot here in the company where he started setting up the ring more than a decade ago. When he was setting up the rings, he always looked forward to the title defenses of former Hardkore West Coast Champions like “Flyin’ Ryan Hill, Andrew Karnage, James Fierce and “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar being some of his favorites.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t worry. When Wesley Crane is done with him, he’ll be back to selling programs in the lobby.
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Guillermo O’Bannon: He debuted in February in Oakland with a win over Dana “The Drone” Daniels, then he went on to beat Moondog Dook, Little Dragon, Biker Daddy, Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen, and Tuxedo Mask before getting an opportunity that he maximized at Irish Rage in Belfast 2023 by winning tonight’s title shot in a threeway between himself, Tux, and The Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: He should have let The Sheik get it. He will rue the day he grabbed that clipboard. Rue it, I say!
Simon Cruise slaps some hands of the fans in the front row then steps through the ropes into the ring. He flashes a hang loose sign to Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Simon Cruise believes Wesley Crane is too preoccupied with his loss in New York City where he lost his Wrestle: UK World Championship to Kalmin Watts in the hell in the cell match. Crane treated him with derision and disrespect over the weeks, and Simon believe his arrogance will be his undoing.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall, with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, the challenger; From Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds, The Big Kahuna…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Huge pop from the Denver fans as Simon Cruise smiles and loosens up in the corner. The beach ball bounces around the audience while the fan in the front row waves his surfboard.
"I'm So Paid" by Akon plays and The Ball Arena lights turn plum purple
The crowd boos as the house lights begin pulsing with the beat of “I’m So Paid”.
“Rubbing on that Italian leather
'Dem Konvict jeans on!
Ay yo Weezy! You Ready, yeah!
I get it in 'till sunrise
Doing ninety in a sixty five
Windows rolled down screaming ah!
Hey-ey-ey' I'm so paid
Number one hustla' gettin' money
Why do you wanna count my money
I'm a hustla' and I don't need them!
One of them y'all see!
I'm so paid”
The lights go back to normal and out steps “The High Roller” Wesley Crane with the Hardkore West Coast Championship wrapped around his waist and the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship slung over his shoulder. The fans boo loudly as he surveys them with contempt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane defeated Kilroy Evans for the Hardkore West Coast Championship in Portland on one of Simon Cruise’s first shows here in Hardkore World back in March. He claims to have never heard of him, failing to get his name right most of the time.
Phillip Blauer: And how would he? No Stress Wes doesn’t get here for opening matches. If there’s one thing you can take away from Bret Hart’s career it’s that only suckers show up for the curtain jerkers.
“High Roller” Wesley Crane stands on the stage and looks around at everyone. Fans hold up signs that have The Anointed’s logo but it says “The Annoying”. He lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He was devastated by the loss to Kalmin Watts for his Wrestle: UK World Championship at Night of Champions, but he plans on getting that back along with keeping his Hardkore West Coast Championship. He claims to have the ability to overwhelm Simon Cruise and easily win tonight’s match up.
Phillip Blauer: Big Brain Crane has 5 inches on this guy and lives in a penthouse from all the success he has had in this business. Simon Crane named all those guys and not one of them is half as good a West Coast Champion as The High Roller is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do you have money on this match or something?
Phillip Blauer: Blau Dog just needs a big win is all, that’ll put me back in the game.
Wesley Crane slowly makes his way to the ring, the entire time looking around at the angry fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Some of those in the crowd, seemingly still very upset by the end of the Hardkore World Tag Team title match, where El Rey cost The Mischief Express the match by joining The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: They’re still on that? Move on.
Once at ringside, Wesley Crane climbs up the steps and holds onto the ring ropes. He wipes his feet off on the ring apron before entering the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Despite being confident, Wesley Crane has scouted Simon Cruise. He has thought out counters and strategized how to dominate this match.
Once inside he stands in the center of the ring and holds his arms wide open while Simon Cruise looks at him from behind
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane has promised brutality in this match, perhaps to send a message to Kalmin Watts but also to protect his Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS and The Current HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…“THE HIGH ROLLER” WESLEY CRANE!!!”
The boos are resounding as Wesley Crane holds up both championships
Hardkore West Coast Championship
"The High Roller" Wesley Crane vs. Simon Cruise
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. Wesley Crane and Simon Cruise eye one another as they look for their spotGuillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane and Simon Cruise lock up. Crane pushes down on him, but Simon grabs a side headlock.
Simon Cruise wrenches the headlock in, putting pressure on the temple. Crane tries to escape, but Cruise has it locked in
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane pushes Cruise off of the headlock into the ropes. Cruise comes back and hits Wesley with a shoulderblock, but Crane knocks him to the mat!
Phillip Blauer: Wesley Crane said he was going to physically dominate him.
The Denver fans boo. Simon Cruise gets up and smiles at Wesley Crane, who returns a grin. Cruise challenges Crane to try the same thing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane hits the ropes, but when he comes in, Cruise arm drags him! Wesley gets up, but gets caught in another lightning fast arm drag.
Wesley Crane gets up a third time, but Simon Cruise catches him with a dropkick then applies an armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise has Wesley Crane on the mat with that armbar.
Wesley Crane complains to Kelly O’Connell about a hairpull. Kelly asks Cruise if he pulled the hair and he shakes his head
Phillip Blauer: Liar.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise pulls back on that arm, trying to pull it out of its socket.
Crane refuses to give up and rolls on his back onto his feet, with Cruise hanging on to the armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane reaches through Simon’s legs and scoops him up for a bodyslam, but Cruise inside cradles him on the way down!
…ONE!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane rolls to his feet and cracks Simon Cruise with a right hand. He grabs him by the hair and pops him with another hard jab to the face.
Wesley Crane slugs him in the stomach, backing him into the ropes. He rocks Cruise in the jaw with a european uppercut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane trying to gain control of this match by switching to brawling. He grabs Cruise by the hair and drops down into a jawbreaker!
Crane clutches his chin and drops to the mat in pain. The fans boo as Crane shakes some feeling into his arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane stomps Simon Cruise’s chest a couple of times. He pulls Cruise up by the hair and irish whips him violently into the corner!
Phillip Blauer: I think the ring moved a couple inches on that one.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane comes charging in with a hard knee to the stomach.
The audience chants “Crane Sucks! Crane Sucks! Crane Sucks!” but Wesley ignores them as he grabs Simon in a front facelock and steps onto the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane jumps off the second turnbuckle with a tornado DDT!
The impact shoots Simon up to his knees and then facedown to the mat. The jeers from The Ball Arena get louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon gets up onto his hands and knees, but Crane kicks him in the ribs.
Phillip Blauer: My father always told me never to kick a man when he’s down. Wait until he’s on his hands and knees, because more of his vital organs are exposed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s heartwarming.
The boos are at a high volume level as Cruise rolls over onto his back. Wesley Crane pulls him up into a waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise puts the breaks on a german suplex, probably too early for that, and does a go behind into his own waistlock. He goes for a suplex, of some sort, but Wesley Crane back elbows him in the face.
Phillip Blauer: The more Wesley Crane can keep this a fight instead of a wrestling match, the more likely he is to win this one.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s actually very astute.
Phillip Blauer: You’re darn tootin, cowpoke
Phil does a finger gun at Guillermo. Inside the ring, Wesley Crane sets Simon Cruise up for a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane goes for a suplex, but Simon Cruise rolls back into a small package!
…ONE!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Wesley Crane gets up and walks right into a high angle thrust kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kickflip!! Simon Cruise double stomps Crane’s chest!
Crane sits up, holding his chest, trying to get some air. Simon Cruise motions for him to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise scoops him up into a michinoku driver II!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise irish whips Crane into the corner and follows him in half a step behind with a spinning heel kick that takes Wesley up and over the ropes to the floor below!!
The crowd cheers loudly and Simon Cruise’s eyes get big as he feeds off their energy. He steps through the ropes and jumps off with a flying kneelift off the apron to Crane on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘17!!
The Denver fans erupt, chanting “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” Wesley Crane is laid out on the floor. Simon Cruise pulls Crane up by the hair and tosses him over the security rail into the audience. He yanks the railing back and slides back into the ring. Cruise runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise leaps over the ropes and hits Wesley Crane out in the crowd with a suicide dive!!
The Ball Arena explodes with wild cheering as Cruise and Wesley Crane lie amongst the overturned chairs in the third row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise gets on top of Wesley Cruise out in the audience and starts pummeling him with right hands!
Simon Cruise bludgeons Wesley Cruise with lefts and rights out in the audience. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. struggles to get through the ringside fans to get a good shot of the action
Phillip Blauer: The marks impede Jackie!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise pulls Wesley Crane up by the hair and blasts him with a big punch that knocks Crane further back into the sixth row!
A fan throws that surfboard at Wesley Crane but luckily Crane catches it. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tackles the fan to the ground and neutralizes him
Phillip Blauer: Get him, Larry! Get his ass!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, we beg the fans not to throw objects at the wrestlers.
Phillip Blauer: I disagree. All bets are off when they do that. Look at Larry ruin that man’s appearance!
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Simon Cruise running dropkicks that surfboard into Wesley Crane’s face!!
The audience pops as Crane is sprawled out on the floor. Simon Cruise takes the surfboard and lays it over him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise goes to leg drop that surfboard, but Cruise rolls out of the way!!
Wesley pulls Simon Cruise up by the hair to his feet. Cruise tries to punch him, but Crane blocks it with his forearm, and returns fire with a left jab. Another left hook by Crane jars Simon
Phillip Blauer: These two are brawling in the crowd!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane grabs Simon Cruise by the hair and rams his face into the steel guardrail!
The crowd jeers Wesley Crane, who flips them off in response. He lifts Simon Cruise up in a fireman’s carry
Phillip Blauer: I’m just glad he said it. We were all thinking it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, we weren’t. Wesley Crane death valley drivers Simon Cruise over the railing into the ringside area!!
Crane steps over the railing into the ringside area. He places Simon Cruise’s head against the ring steps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane gets a running start and knees the side of Simon Cruise’s head into those steel stairs!!
The fans let out a collective “OH!!” at the sound of Cruise’s head ringing off of those metal steps through The Ball Arena
Phillip Blauer: I just wish massive head trauma could affect someone like Simon Cruise.
Wesley Crane rolls a now busted open Simon Cruise back into the ring. A fan in the front row says something particularly offensive and Simon Cruise walks over and challenges him to a fight
Phillip Blauer: Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. needs to do something about these people.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They paid their ticket, they can say whatever they want.
Phillip Blauer: But these tickets are so cheap.
Wesley Crane climbs to the apron and pulls Cruise up by the hair to his feet next to the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: A bleeding Simon Cruise grabs Crane by the hair and drops his throat down onto the top rope!
Simon Cruise runs into the ropes as Wesley clutches his throat and struggles to catch a breath
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise cartwheels into a spinning heel kick that knocks Wesley Crane off the apron into the railing!!
Denver lets out another loud “OH!!” from Wesley Crane hitting the metal security rail. Simon pulls himself onto the middle of the top rope and springboard sentons Crane on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘18!!
The Ball Arena chants SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” as both men lie out on the concrete floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: That blood really coming out as Simon Cruise now climbs up onto the apron. He looks back to see a rising Crane, then hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault into the railing!!
The fans are jumping up and down as Crane and Cruise are in shambles next to one another
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise rolls Crane up onto the apron and climbs up there with him. But Wesley rocks him with a european uppercut and grabs him around the head and neck. Crane flips him with an exploder off the apron!!
The air goes out of The Ball Arena as Simon Cruise groans in pain on the floor, and Wesley Crane tries to recover
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane rolls Simon Cruise back into the ring. He climbs to the top turnbuckle and dives off with a flying elbow!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Simon remains on his side while he tries to collect himself. Wesley Crane pulls him up and sets him up for a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane lifts Simon Cruise up in a suplex but then drops him violently into a brainbuster! He makes a cover.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane pulls Simon Cruise up and cracks him with a right hook. Another hard hook rattles the surfer. Crane backs up and then flattens Simon with a running european uppercut!
The Denver fans jeer. Wesley Crane shakes his head, saying he isn’t done with him. Crane pulls Simon up by his bloodsoaked hair
Phillip Blauer: This is for making Wesley Crane suffer through surf antics in the Rocky Mountains!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane rears back and slugs Simon Cruise. Another shot has Cruise reeling. But Simon blocks the next volley, and counter with a sharp jab of his own. Now it’s his turn to punch Crane right in the nose!
Simon Cruise starts rapidly punching Crane and the fans are on their feet! He floors Wes with a double leg takedown
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise now on top of Crane, bashing him in the face with stiff punches!
Kelly O’Connell tries to stop Simon, but he snatches his arms back and pummels Crane some more as the fans chant “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!”
Phillip Blauer: Get in there, Kelly!
O’Connell finally convinces Simon Cruise to stop bludgeoning Wesley Crane and he walks away in frustration.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Crane uses the ropes to pull himself up, while Simon motions for him to get to his feet. Cruise runs and takes Wesley Crane out with a spinning spear
Guillermo O’Bannon: Barrel Roll!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Wesley Crane kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise crosses Wesley Crane’s legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf! He reaches back and hooks Crane’s left arm as well!
The audience cheers as Cruise cranks back on Crane’s crossed legs. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Crane shakes his head, refusing to quit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise working on three out of four appendages there.
Phillip Blauer: Just seems greedy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane begins to use his one good arm to crawl towards the ropes.
Simon Cruise tries to do as much damage as he can before Crane can finally hook the bottom rope. The Ball Arena boos as Kelly O’Connell demands Cruise release the texas cloverleaf armlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: A busted open Simon Cruise pulls him up into a front facelock, but Crane blocks a DDT. Wesley stands up into a fireman’s carry and then runs across the ring for a death valley driver!
The impact sits Simon Cruise up and then Wesley Crane applies a dragon sleeper. The anger from the fans gets louder as The High Roller clasps his hands together and wrenches back on Cruise’s head and neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane goes down to one knee and sticks it into Cruise’s spine while peeling back on his head.
Wesley Crane wraps his legs around Simon Cruise’s waist and then drops back into an on the mat version of the dragon sleeper
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane rocks back on that dragon sleeper. Kelly O’Connell checks in but doesn’t get an answer from Simon. She tests his arm, but Cruise keeps it up in the air!
The Denver audience roars at Simon Cruise’s resiliency. Crane releases the dragon sleeper, and gets to his feet. He stomps Cruise a few times and then walks over to the corner. The fans jeer him as he waits for Simon to get to his feet. Wesley has a blood smear on his side from where Simon bled on him
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane nearly takes Simon Cruise out of his boots with that spear!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane goes for a superkick but Simon ducks it and counters with a Bitchin Dropkick!!
The audience comes to life as both men lie on the mat, exhausted. Simon Cruise bleeds a pool of blood on the canvas
Guillermo O’Bannon: After some agonizing moments, Simon Cruise gets to his feet. He grabs Crane by the legs, and slingshots him up into an ace cutter! Cruisin’ USA!!
The fans cheer but Simon Cruise fails to capitalize. He finally gets to a vertical base and staggers over to the corner. The Ball Arena pops as Simon looks up to the top turnbuckle
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle and then flips off with the Wave Breaker senton bomb but Wesley Crane rolls out of the way!!
The cheers turn to jeers as a wobbly Simon Cruise staggers to his feet. Wesley Crane catches him with an RKO
Guillermo O’Bannon: HRKO!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane lifts Simon Cruise up into another brainbuster and drops him on his skull!
Crane rolls his hips and pulls Simon Cruise up into another suplex position. He lifts him up and drops him in another brainbuster
Phillip Blauer: The lights are out but The High Roller just needs to be sure.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The High Roller” Wesley Crane lifts him up for a third brainbuster but Simon Cruise falls back down into an inside cradle!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Denver fans leap to their feet in celebration as “Riptide” by Vance Joy plays.
Phillip Blauer: No!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t believe it!! Simon Cruise has upset Wesley Crane and won the Hardkore West Coast Championship!!
Greg Jin: “At 27 minutes 49 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…SIMON CRUISE!!”
Wesley Crane complains to Kelly O’Connell about a fast count as Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. hands a crimson masked Simon Cruise the Hardkore West Coast Championship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise has gone from Hardkore Ring Crew to Hardkore West Coast Championship!! He watched Hardkore West Coast Champions like Big Brute ACE, Stan “Mr. Space Mountain” Nickelson, and Poke the Clown. Now he can etch his name alongside those legends!
Simon Cruise leans back on the jubilant fans in the front row against the security rail while Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of him
Phillip Blauer: Wesley Crane ruled the West Coast for 5 months and it took a fluke win to get that belt off of him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise persevered through the onslaught of Wesley Crane’s brawling and achieved a personal dream tonight.
Wesley Crane storms to the back, smacking away fans that try and touch him. A bloody Simon Cruise is back in the ring, standing on the second turnbuckle, holding up the Hardkore West Coast Championship while he bathes in the love from the 18,256 fans in The Ball Arena
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stay tuned, fans we have the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Iron Match coming up next between two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba and Kalmin Watts!
We find Barry Wimbledon, the main character of the franchise played by Steve Awesome, sitting in his zen garden. He has salt and pepper colored hair and he’s wearing regular eyeglasses.
He glances up at the dark ominous clouds rolling in.
Barry Wimbledon: “Don’t concern yourself with that Barry….”
He says to himself.
Barry Wimbledon: “….we’re not in the storm chasing business anymore.”
He takes a deep breath and goes back to relaxing.
~~~~
Cut to Barry Wimbledon walking into the familiar laboratories of StormCo.
Barry Wimbledon: “You all better be presenting me a plaque or something, because I’m retired.”
Even though Barry was older now, he was still cool enough to grab a chair, spin it around and sit in it backwards. A scientist at a computer looks at some data on his screen.
Scientist: “We got a storm brewing!”
Barry shrugs his shoulders.
Barry Wimbledon: “So send out an official StormCo team to investigate. I already told you I’m retired.”
Barry started to get up and leave when a female voice he hadn’t heard in a long time freezes him in his tracks.
“You are going to want to hear this, Barry.”
It was the voice of his old complicated flame. It was Regina Cummingtime. (Played by Cameron Diaz) She was an older but still sexy and super dignified scientist. Barry and Regina stare at each other and you could cut the sexual tension with a knife.
Barry Wimbledon: Regina! I haven’t seen you in ages. It’s good to see you.
Regina hands Barry a pair of headphones and she smiles.
Regina Cummingtime: Likewise.
Barry puts the headphones on and is immediately disgusted by what he heard.
youtu.be/mfCvgxoVARM
Barry Wimbledon: AH! EWW. Ah just ahhh…”
Barry immediately rips the headphones off and glares at everyone.
Barry Wimbledon: Is this a joke? What am I listening too?
Regina places her hand on Barry’s and looks deep into his eyes.
Regina Cummingtime: These sounds seem to be coming through space and time. From what we understand these “gusts of wind” are squeezing out into our atmosphere through tiny holes. Whenever and wherever they want. It doesn’t matter. In or out of public, loud ones, quiet ones, sometimes they will pop up real close and let a bunch of little ones rip next to you while your not paying attention.
Barry crossed his arms over his bulging chest.
Barry Wimbledon: I still don’t understand what this has to do with me?
Regina Cummingtime: We believe that this “wind” is from Shitstorm! But the Shitstorm from the past. They are….”
Close up angle on Regina.
Regina Cummingtime: The Winds of Shitstorm’s Past!
Barry slowly pulled his glasses off in shock.
Barry Wimbledon: Oh…my……gawd!
~~~~~
“There have been eight of these movies and they just get progressively worse each time.”
-Movie Critic Magazine.
“Steve Awesome fills your bargain bins yet again with Shitstorm 8. Get your giant wooden crate full now.”
-Merchant Weekly.
“WHY!?”
-The quick question Blog.
“WERE INTO IT!”
-Dutch People Magazine.
“Featuring the new Weird Al Yankovic parody of that classic Rachel Platten hit.
“Fart Song”
~~~~~
We open on a city at night. The lead Shitstorm (played by Garey Busey) floats through the night sky with other various Shitstorms from space and time!
Shitstorm: Who ever smelt it, dealt it. Whoever supplied denied it….”
Shitstorm pops another fart wind from its ominous cloud.
Shitstorm: And whoever heard’er gets MURDERED!!!!!”
Suddenly Barry Wimbledon appears flanked by some cavemen, a couple medieval knights, a gang of cowboys, some guys from World War Two and a couple of people who look like they are from the future.
Everyone charges as the Weird Al parody plays!
🎶This is my fart song!🎶
🎶Don’t trust that shart song!🎶
All except Barry who just looks at all the insanity and the war and violence going on. He shakes his head and sighs.
Barry Wimbledon: I’m getting too old for this shit.
Cut as Barry runs into the fray.
SHITSTORM 8: WINDS OF SHITSTORMS PAST
Coming to a theater near you.
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil Blauer, who has a knapsack and lots of camping equipment
Guillermo O’Bannon: And now fans it is time for the main event. The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba taking on Wrestle: UK World Champion Kalmin Watts in a 60 minute iron man match.
Phillip Blauer: They can’t ask me to sit through an hour of wrestling. I will be picketing The Office in Palm Springs tomorrow morning.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’ll be 118 degrees.
Phillip Blauer: Never mind. In that case, I’ve brought all the essentials for a long night. I brought a sleeping bag, a rubber ball and paddle to stave off madness, and a punch bowl of clam chowder for sustenance…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, it’s just an hour.
Phil isn’t listening. He’s chugging from the very large bowl of room temperature clam chowder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Since February, these two have been at each other’s throats. Their battles have stretched from the Pacific Northwest, to the emerald island of Ireland, to the Big Apple, to here in the Rocky Mountains. They have traded the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and inflicted injuries on each other.
Phillip Blauer: (wipes his mouth) I think we’ve all grown a little from this experience.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Dublin, Ireland, Kalmin Watts upset Cross Recoba for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. In New York City, Kalmin Watts won the Wrestle: UK World Championship from “The High Roller” Wesley Crane in a hell in a cell match but the damage of that match allowed Cross Recoba to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship back in a submission match.
Phillip Blauer: Look, Tap Out owner and a man with a shrewd eye for talent, Cross Recoba has already won this trilogy. Lest us not forget, he was victorious in the Portland match back in March.
Guillermo O’Bannon: First off, Phil. If Cross hasn’t hired you yet, I wouldn’t hold my breath…
Phillip Blauer: That is hurtful.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Secondly, no one is counting that win in Portland. That was a completely erroneous disqualification decision caused by Richie Val-...
Phillip Blauer: (interrupting) Up, up, up….
Guillermo O’Bannon: …by Richie Richardson’s inexperience.
Phillip Blauer: No one checks into that kind of stuff. It’ll just say Recoba wins and probably “show went over”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, now the trilogy comes to Denver, Colorado where Cross Recoba will once again put his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship against Wrestle: UK World Champion Kalmin Watts in this Iron Man match.
Phillip Blauer: How much have these two learned from three matches over the past six months that will aid them in this literal marathon match?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is actually a great point, Phil. This is a chess match…
Phillip Blauer: Tap Out could have these same incisive points with just a “show me” type contract that got me out of this California indie vanity project. My agent is Morty something or other…Honestly, it’s pretty embarrassing. He’s been my agent for 30 years. He told me the first day and I was thinking about something else when he said it. Probably something about “Where’s The Beef?” or how I could avoid The Noid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Right. But like you said these two have learned one another’s tendencies…
Phillip Blauer: I feel like it’s Chechen or Czech…
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one cares, Phil. Now they have to try and get the most pinfalls in 60 minutes of wrestling one another. The man who does that, walks out of Denver with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. The Ball Arena lets out an ear splitting pop. Kalmin Watts walks out from behind the curtain with the Wrestle: UK World Championship wrapped around his waist and a knee brace. He nods at the cheering fans while Anthony Jordan steps out behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: In New York City at Night of Champions, Kalmin Watts lost so much blood in his matches with Wesley Crane and Cross Recoba that he had to be checked out by XHF medical personnel and was advised to go to the hospital for a transfusion but he refused.
Phillip Blauer: Bunch a bureaucrats looking to pad their billing. Smart move.
Kalmin Watts jogs down to the ring. The Dublin fans reach out to touch him as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and Anthony Jordan team up to keep the more energetic of fans from actually touching Watts. Fans hold up signs that say “Cross-Watts The Best Series in Hardkore History!” and “I Came To See Cross Get Stretched”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan says ironically the long pause between Kalmin Watts’ two matches worked against him. It allowed the adrenaline from the earlier match to subside.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, and I bet the sun was in his eyes and his shoes were untied.
Yolanda Ando: Kalmin Watts is wearing an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
A middle school aged kid hugs Kalmin Watts. He slaps a few more hands, and then a woman in the front row throws her hands around him and gives him a kiss on his cheek
Phillip Blauer: This guy could be mayor of Denver!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan and Kalmin Watts make no excuses for what happened at Night of Champions. They rolled the dice and accepted the consequences. But in this match, they say Kalmin has beaten Cross Recoba once, he can do it again.
Phillip Blauer: The sun shines on a dog’s ass every once in a while. But can it twice?
Kalmin Watts steps through the ropes and starts loosening up his neck muscles. Anthony Jordan holds up the Wrestle: UK World Championship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has watched their Night of Champions’ match over and over to see where he could improve. Tonight, he looks exploit every weakness he saw on tape.
Watts paces in the ring, waiting for Cross Recoba to come down to the ring
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside The Ball Arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. Out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other. The High Caliber Wrestling Diamond Championship is draped over his shoulder. whilst the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship is proudly displayed around his waist. His ribs are lightly taped
Phillip Blauer: There he is, the two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion! The title is back where it belongs around the svelte waist of the World’s Greatest Boss! Cross Recoba!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba back on top after that crazy match in Ireland, winning his title back in New York, but now has to outlast Kalmin Watts for an hour in this iron man match.
Phillip Blauer: No champion has been this put upon, this beleaguered since Nick Bockwinkel had to appear at Datsun Fest at a promoter’s Sheboygan dealership.
The Denver fans rain boos down Cross Recoba. He uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.. Recoba holds up the cane to a big heel pop from the fans. He smiles at the reaction and starts walking down the ramp, still holding that cane aloft
Phillip Blauer: Why do these people hate a cane so much? It’s really disturbing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba trying to create dissension between Kalmin Watts and his manager Anthony Jordan. He puts Watts' loss at Night of Champions squarely on him.
Cross Recoba walks past signs that say “Fuck Cross!” and “Cross Sucks!” as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. protects Cross Recoba from the fans trying to touch him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross claims that Kalmin Watts was not ready for the moment, and that Hardkore World is somehow better off with him as champion.
Phillip Blauer: It’s true. The air is sweeter. Time seems to go slower. I feel like I could understand Mandarin.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck. He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba claims that an affluent place like Denver could never relate with an Oklahoma bred talent like Kalmin Watts.
Phillip Blauer: That is true of the Aspen crowd, but I feel he’s discounting the belly scratching undercurrent of mountain folk that attend wrasslin shows.
Cross climbs up onto the apron and, with a wipe of his feet, slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to heckle and boo even louder.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross says that Kalmin took his eyes off the prize by going for the Wrestle: UK belt in a match before defending the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and it wound up costing him. Tonight he says Kalmin doesn’t have the stamina and endurance to keep up with the leaner Cross Recoba, and that will be his downfall.
Cross stands to his full height and smirks, stepping over to the far corner to await the beginning of the match. The bell rings as The Ball Arena darkens save for a lone spotlight on Greg Jin
Greg Jin: “Ladies and gentleman, the following match is the Main Event of the evening! It is Recoba-Watts III!!”
The crowd roars
Greg Jin: “It is an Iron Man Match where the man with the most victories after 60 minutes will be the HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager, ‘The Role Model’ Anthony Jordan; He is from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is The Current Wrestle: UK World Heavyweight Champion…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The spotlight swings over to Kalmin Watts who intensely stares Cross Recoba while the Denver fans blow the roof off the building
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, hailing from Sin City, Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall, Weighing in at 230 pounds; The Box Office Smash of the XHF Network, He is The CEO of Tap Out Wrestling and The HCW Diamond Champion. The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The Ball Arena shakes with jeers, Cross wordlessly hands his two championship belts to Tommy Milligan. Milligan holds up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Iron Man Match
Cross Recoba vs. Kalmin Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have wrestled one another all summer, and it all comes to a boil, right here and right now!
The audience is at a fever pitch as Watts and Cross mutter threats and promises to one another
Phillip Blauer: Whoever cracks first will lose this little battle of psychology here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba cracks Kalmin Watts in the jaw with a punch.
Phillip Blauer: Sorry, my mic shorted out there a little. I mean to say, whoever can take control early will win this match!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts whacks Recoba in the chest with a chop. Cross answers with a reverse knife edge chop. Watts hits him even harder with a big chop.
Phillip Blauer: These two have talked around each other for months. Things have been said that can’t be unsaid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba backs Watts into the corner with a hard elbow shot the face. He smacks him with another knife edge chop to the chest. And another!
Cross Recoba reaches back and strikes him with another blistering chop but Watts just stares at him
Phillip Blauer: Uh oh!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba panics and whacks Watts with another chop to no effect!
The audience cheers wildly as Kalmin Watts backs Cross out of the corner, while Recoba calls for calm and reason
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts in no mood, and gives Cross a big chop! Another one backs him into the ropes. He irish whips him into the ropes and takes him out with a reverse knife edge chop to the throat!
Cross Recoba gets up and walks right into a discus punch by Watts! Kalmin stomps around the ring, pumping up the cheering crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts arm drags him! Another deep armdrag flings him across the ring!
Kalmin Watts scoops Recoba up and slams him down to the ring hard. Cross holds the small of his back in pain
Phillip Blauer: We can’t have much more time remaining! We’re getting down to the final minutes of this match!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s been four minutes.
Phillip Blauer: Gadzooks! I feel like I’ve aged four years!
Phil starts bouncing his rubber ball and paddle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts gets Cross Recoba up for a slow hip toss; muscling him up and then violently depositing him onto the canvas.
Phillip Blauer: (checks his watch) That was a slow hip toss. Come on, let’s go. Vamanos!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts pulls Cross Recoba up and irish whips him into the turnbuckles. He charges in but Cross is waiting for him with a knee to the stomach. He puts him in the corner and stands him up with an uppercut forearm.
Cross irish whips Kalmin into the corner and follows him in half a step behind with a back elbow. The audience boos as Cross mockingly shakes out his elbow from the impact. Watts sinks down to the mat, leaning against the bottom turnbuckle
Phillip Blauer: He needs to watch it with that elbow, we still have at least 10 minutes to go.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil…
Yolanda Ando: Guillermo, he has no sense of time. Like a dog. Or an infant.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Got it. Cross Recoba now on top of him in the corner, smashing him in the face with elbows.
The Ball Arena boos as Cross Recoba backs up to the kitty corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gets a running start and basement dropkicks Kalmin Watts in the corner!
The fans let out a collective “OH!” at the sight of Watts’ head whipping back. Anthony Jordan pounds on the mat for Kalmin to get back to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts gets up and ducks a clothesline, and does a go behind into a rear waistlock. Cross tries to twist out of it, but Kalmin has it locked in.
Recoba attempts to unlace Kalmin’s fingers but he’s too strong. Watts turns it into a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross dips out of the full nelson and grabs a chicken wing. He goes for a half nelson, but Watts drops down and arm drags Cross again.
Kalmin Watts holds onto an arm bar. He wraps his legs around Recoba’s arm and drops back into a fujiwara armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts rows back on Recoba’s arm, trying to put pressure on the back of Cross’ elbow.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Recoba shakes his head, refusing to give up. Recoba sits up and clasps his own hand so Kalmin can’t wrench back on it any longer
Phillip Blauer: Cross fighting over his own arm here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now it’s Kalmin trying to unlace Cross’ fingers so he can reapply the fujiwara. Recoba rolls until Kalmin is on his chest, still hanging on to Cross’ arm.
Kalmin gets back to his feet and gives Cross’ arm a twist. He bends down and takes Cross feet out from under him and makes a lateral press
…ONE!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs a wristlock on the mat. He pushes down on Recoba’s wrist, pointing his elbow up into the air, while bridging him backwards from the pressure.
Cross Recoba is forced to push back on the wristlock until he is halfway even with Watts, standing up. Recoba takes his free hand and pulls on Watts’ hair to gain control of the wristlock
Phillip Blauer: Look at the raw power of the two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion! He’s going toe to toe and giving it back with the supposed powerhouse, Kalmin Watts!
Guillermo O’Bannon: With the help of a hair pull.
Phillip Blauer: Do you have rocks in your head? He barely has any hair.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba turns it into a wristlock armlock. He gives Watts’ arm another twist, and pushes down on the back of his wrist, trying to break the elbow.
Watts refuses to submit, so Cross abandons his arm and grabs a side headlock. Recoba keeps it high and tight, while Watts tries to throw him off
Phillip Blauer: Cross hanging on to that wild animal for dear life. Like a soccer Mom at a bachelorette party on a mechanical bull trying to show she’s still got it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba clamping down on that headlock while…
Yolanda Ando: But she’s just gonna fall asleep at Denny’s before her food gets there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, thank you for that, Yolanda. Cross plants his feet and rolls Kalmin Watts into a side headlock takedown.
The Denver fans boo. Anthony Jordan offers advice on escape, while Cross locks his hands together. Tommy Milligan checks to see if Watts’ shoulders are on the mat
Phillip Blauer: As he said in his gripping promotional video, Cross is going to try and use his superior conditioning to outlast this snorting wildebeest.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba presses Kalmin Watts to the mat with that headlock.
…ONE!
…Kalmin Watts sits up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts now on his knees while Cross hangs on to the headlock. Watts works his way to his feet, while Recoba grinds that headlock as much as he can.
Watts puts his finger up for the audience, unbeknownst to Cross. Recoba gets a smile on his face and clamps down on the headlock. The fans laugh and Cross shouts “He ain’t going anywhere!” while Kalmin continues to play possum
Phillip Blauer: Boy, that headlock must be devastating. Kalmin is putting up next to no defense to it anymore.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts stops toying with Cross Recoba and lifts him up high on his shoulder, and then on the back of his head with a back suplex!
The crowd roars! A shocked Recoba rolls onto his stomach while Kalmin motions for the crowd to get louder. Anthony Jordan pumps his fist
Phillip Blauer: You can’t toy with people, Geronimo. This guy is supposed to be a role model?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts applies another armbar. He uses that 5 inch height advantage to lean so far back on his arm that Cross is nearly lifted off the mat.
Recoba grunts in agony while Kalmin Watts sticks his knee in the ball of his shoulder and clamps down on his arm. He reaches up and grabs Watts’ hair again, but this time Tommy Milligan sees it and gives him a five count to release it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross is on his feet, but Watts still has that armbar locked. He scoops Watts up, but Kalmin has that reversal from their earlier match scouted, and slips off his shoulder behind him. He scoops Recoba up into a shoulderbreaker.
Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside. Kalmin pulls him back up and power whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts backdrops him up and over!
The Denver fans roar. Cross Recoba rolls out of the ring and signals for a time out and the boos drown out Guillermo and Phil
Phillip Blauer: Very smart. We still have 15 minutes to go here, plenty of time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s only been 15 minutes. But now Cross Recoba getting out of the proverbial kitchen as the heat rises.
Phillip Blauer: Which is a valuable fire lesson, because you see, Cross is an actual role model.
Cross Recoba walks around the ring, catching his breath. Kalmin Watts challenges him to get back in the ring. Cross gets to where Anthony Jordan is, who takes a fighting stance
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba thinks better of it and steps up onto the apron. Kalmin goes over to grab him but Recoba is ready for him with a kick to the stomach. He hooks Kalmin by the head, but Watts blocks a DDT. He stands up and suplexes Recoba up high in the air!
The Denver fans gasp at the height that Watts gets while holding Cross perfectly still in the air. He takes away his arm to make the feat more impressive, and waves the fans on to cheer louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin finally drops him to the mat!
Cross sits up from the impact, then his eyes roll around as he falls back down. Kalmin gets up and smacks the ropes in intensity. The audience chants “WATTS!! WATTS!! WATTS!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts grabs a hammerlock on Recoba’s arm on the mat. He rolls Cross onto his stomach while torturing him with that chicken wing.
Phillip Blauer: I did that once to Jonah Hill when he was dieting to get as skinny as Jerry Garcia for the Grateful Dead movie.
Kalmin Watts gets on his back and pulls up on his hammerlocked arm while grinding his face into the canvas
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross maneuvers into a sitting position while Kalmin holds on to the chicken wing. He reaches back and snap mares Watts over into another hammerlock of his own.
Recoba cinches up on Watts’ wrist, trying to hyperextend the elbow. Kalmin fights his way back to his feet, with Cross applying pressure to the arm bent behind Watts’ back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba runs him into the ropes and then tumbles back into an O’Conner roll!
Phillip Blauer: Hey, that’s named after you!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts gets up and walks right into a dropkick. Cross irish whips him into the corner and then follows him in with a running double knee strike.
Cross gets a running start and walks up Watts’ chest over the ropes onto the apron below, forcing Watts into a sitting position. He then slingshots over the ropes into a dropkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Combination de Cabron! He pulls Watts out of the corner with a snap suplex. He climbs to the top turnbuckle and jumps off with a flying elbow, but there’s no water in the pool!!
The Denver crowd comes to life! Kalmin Watts tries to collect himself, while Cross holds his ribs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts gets to his feet, and scoops him up into a backbreaker on those recovering ribs. He pulls Cross up and grabs him in a bearhug.
Cross screams in pain. He tries to punch his way out of it, but Watts readjusts his grip on the small of Recoba’s back and crushes him some more
Phillip Blauer: Nobody wants a hug from this guy. Bear or otherwise.
Yolanda Ando: I don’t know, he seems nice.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts continuing to constrict the breathing of Cross Recoba, in that powerful bearhug of his. Cross digs his fingernails into the eyes of Kalmin, so Watts ends it with a spinning belly to belly suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Cross up and fallaway slams him across the ring!
As Kalmin Watts walks over to him, Cross trips him up with a drop toehold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba sits on Watts’ back and applies a camel clutch! He locks his fingers under Kalmin’s chin and rocks back on his head and neck.
The fans boo and chant “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” Cross sneers and yanks back on Watts’ head some more
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Millgan checking in to see if Kalmin Watts wants to submit but the Oklahoma Sooner is refusing.
Cross eventually abandons the camel clutch and scoops him up for a bodyslam. He steps up onto the second turnbuckle and waits for Kalmin to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba catches Watts in the chest with a missile dropkick!
Cross Recoba steps through the ropes out on to the apron, and wipes his sweat off and flings it at the crowd. The fans boo
Phillip Blauer: Little refreshment for the front row there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba slingshots himself over the top rope into an elbow drop!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba climbs up to the second turnbuckle again, this time hitting a diving european uppercut!
Cross Recoba pulls him up and irish whips him but Kalmin reverses it and shoots Recoba into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts catches him with a full powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts applies an abdominal stretch. Kalmin cranks back on Recoba’s arm, twisting his stomach muscles and spine. But what he is mostly doing is softening up those ribs for The Sooner Squeeze.
Phillip Blauer: But Cross’ ribs are not butter that can be softened as easily as leaving them on the counter.
Recoba shakes his head, refusing to give up to Tommy Milligan. So Kalmin Watts gut wrench suplexes him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts applies the stomach claw. He goes over those previously injured ribs with that powerful meaty hand of his.
Phillip Blauer: Gross.
Cross Recoba cries out in agony, trying to scoot away from Kalmin on the mat. Anthony Jordan yells “Now you have ‘em!”
Phillip Blauer: Pipe down, Tony.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts scoops him up and drops him into a ribbreaker. Another ribbreaker, and a third before dropping Cross to the mat.
The fans chant The crowd chants “WATTS!! WATTS!! WATTS!!” Cross holds his side and Kalmin Watts pumps up the crowd to a fever pitch. He pulls Recoba up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts hits him in the chest with an Oklahoma Hammer!!
The Denver fans erupt and Cross Recoba puts his hands on his chest, trying to get a breath, and bends over. Kalmin Watts jumps up on his back and applies a leg scissors around Cross’ torso
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sooner Squeeze!! He’s got it locked in!
The audience leaps to their feet and gives The Sooner Squeeze a loud pop! Tommy Milligan asks Cross if he wants to submit, and he nods
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gives up! That was pretty sudden.
Phillip Blauer: He’s got another 10…
Guillermo O’Bannon: …30.
Phillip Blauer: …minutes to go. He’s got to save himself.
Cross Recoba clutches his sides and rolls out of the ring. Kalmin Watts raises his arms as the fans cheer.
Greg Jin: “At 26 minutes 25 seconds, Kalmin Watts has scored a fall. The score is now 1-0 Watts.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion has lost the initial fall and now has to play some catch up.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure he can make that up, he still…
Cross Recoba crashes a chair across the back of Kalmin’s head!! The audience lets out a loud “OH!” at the sickening sound of metal crashing against Watts’ head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba just bent the frame of that chair on the back of Kalmin’s head!! He wails back and smashes the back of Kalmin’s head again!!
The audience boos as Cross Recoba wears Kalmin out with the chair over and over, until the chair is unrecognizable
Phillip Blauer: I knew he had a plan. I knew it, I was just, you know, building the suspense.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is reprehensible. Cross rolls a limp Kalmin Watts over and covers him.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Greg Jin: “At 27 minutes 40 seconds, Cross Recoba has scored a fall. The score is now tied 1-1”
Phillip Blauer: What a master chess player, saving himself and then deftly using tools to procure a tie. Just like in chess!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Have you ever played chess?
Phillip Blauer: Do I look like the kind of nerd that would play a game with a horsey? No, but I know chess when I see it. And that baby? That’s chess.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba completely violating the spirit of the iron man match. I’m not even sure if Kalmin Watts is going to be able to continue.
Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. comes over to check on Kalmin Watts, but Cross pushes him away and the boos get louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba now on top of Kalmin and bludgeoning him with fists!
Anthony Jordan is raising hell with a shrugging Tommy Milligan. Cross Recoba walks over and kicks the ropes in front of Jordan, who almost gets into the ring but Mulligan cuts him off
Phillip Blauer: Get him out of there, Tommy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross rolls him over onto his back, and then climbs to the top turnbuckle. He measures him and jumps off with a flying elbow to the spine!!
Cross Recoba pulls a woozy Kalmin Watts up to his knees. Recoba catches him with a short huracanrana, drilling his head into the canvas
Guillermo O’Bannon: Chicago Overcoat!! Cross pulls him up into a waistlock, and then falls back into a japanese leg roll with a bridge!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on.
Phillip Blauer: He’s just toying with him now!
Greg Jin: “At 30 minutes 33 seconds, Cross Recoba has scored a fall. The score is now 2-1, Cross Recoba!”
The Ball Arena rocks with boos as the cocky Cross Recoba unfolds his bridge and stands to his feet. He gives them a little bow, and the anger is palpable
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross brutalized him with that chair, and is now just running up the score. This is not a sportsman like tactic by the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion.
Phillip Blauer: It is not Cross Recoba’s job to give Kalmin Watts a fighting chance.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba gives Kalmin Watts a receipt for that earlier abdominal stretch, and then turns it into a cobra twist.
The fans jeer Cross Recoba as he clasps his arms together and presses Watts’ head and arm together. Tommy Milligan asks him if he wants to tap out, but he doesn’t get an answer
Phillip Blauer: Kalmin could be out. This could be another point for Cross Recoba.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan tests his arm but Kalmin Watts keeps it up!
The audience roars at the tenacity of Kalmin Watts and Anthony Jordan celebrates at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba spins around on Kalmin Watts’ back, converting the cobra twist into a giant octopus!
Phillip Blauer: He’s pulling out the whole zoo!
The cheers turn to jeers. Recoba locks his hands together pulling back on Watts’ arm, while pushing down on his head with his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba now extending Watts’ arm to put more pressure on that limb, trying to hyperextend the elbow.
Kalmin Watts screams in pain. He tries to pulls his arm away, and twists back into a front facing position. But Cross is able to pull it back again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross braces his own elbow against Kalmin Watts’ forearm, pushing it back and trying to pop the shoulder out of its socket.
Tommy Milligan checks in, but Kalmin Watts shakes his head. Watts is able to snatch his arm away, while Recoba maintains the giant octopus
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba violently elbows Kalmin Watts in the back of the head repeatedly to get back control of his arm! Kalmin won’t give it to him, so Cross Recoba straightjacket suplexes him!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Greg Jin: “At 33 minutes 3 seconds, Cross Recoba has scored a fall. The score is now 3-1, Cross Recoba!”
Phillip Blauer: This is gonna be a rout!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts is clearly feeling the effects of that blindside cheap shot chair shot to the back of the head and you know it.
Phillip Blauer: You don’t know what I know. I barely know what I know.
The Denver fans chant “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” as he walks with his hands at his sides, soaking in their hatred
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba irish whips Kalmin Watts into the turnbuckles. He follows him in with a european uppercut. Watts turns his back on Recoba in the corner, and Cross runs up the ropes into an enzuigri!
Cross Recoba turns around and backslides Kalmin Watts back to the mat, but then rolls over top of him into a bridge
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bushi roll! Cross may just get to run this score up even higher.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- Kalmin Watts kicks out!
The audience erupts with cheers as Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets a tight close up of the shocked look on Cross Recoba’s face as he sits on the mat
Phillip Blauer: Hey! That must have been a slow count from old gin blossom Tommy Milligan!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts kicked out! I thought we were going to have to stop this one after all this punishment Cross has doled out on a defenseless Kalmin Watts, but the Wrestle: UK World Champion trying to find something to hang on to here.
Phillip Blauer: Whatever they’re paying you, Tommy, I’m sure Cross can double it and still give me a sweet finders fee.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba grabs him in a dragon sleeper, and wraps his legs around Watts’ waist.
Phillip Blauer: That’ll put that fire out.
The crowd heckles Cross while he blocks them out, pulling back on that inverted facelock. Anthony Jordan pleads with Kalmin to hang on from ringside. The crowd chants “WATTS!! WATTS!! WATTS!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross not allowing Kalmin to get any new air with that bodyscissors while peeling back on the head and neck of the Oklahoma Sooner.
Phillip Blauer: As an astute observer that would be a gamechanger for any Tap Out B show or online only content, I would point out that Cross has been targeting Kalmin Watts’ neck often in this match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, I just don’t want you to get your heart broken when this doesn’t happen.
Phillip Blauer: I hear they have tikki masala in catering. I have no idea what it is, but it’s fun to say.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, Kalmin Watts trying to fight off the dragon sleeper, but Recoba looks to have it all locked down.
Anthony Jordan pounds on the apron, trying to get the fans to clap. The Ball Arena answers the call, and claps faster and faster, trying to will Kalmin Watts to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Denver fans really getting behind the Wrestle: UK World Champion! Kalmin Watts is able to roll over on his side, and reaches out for those ropes!
Cross Recoba continues to tug back on the inverted facelock, while clamping down on his kidneys with his bodyscissors. Watts scoots closer to the side of the ring as the audience’s clapping is resounding
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has hooked the bottom rope!
Phillip Blauer: Aw, nuts.
The fans pop! Tommy Milligan forces a reluctant Cross Recoba to release the dragon sleeper. Cross pulls him up into a headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba gets a running start and bulldogs Kalmin’s face into the canvas!
The Ball Arena chants “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” as Recoba steps through the ropes, out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba pulls on the rope to slingshot himself onto the middle of the top rope, then springboards into a crossbody but Kalmin Watts catches him with a powerslam!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- Cross Recoba kicks out!
The fans are jubilant and cheer wildly as Cross and Kalmin both lie on the mat, exhausted
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts came to life!
Phillip Blauer: Was that three??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yea…no, Tommy Milligan only holding up two fingers; he is signaling it was not a three count.
Phil checks his heart, then gulps when he doesn’t feel anything
Phillip Blauer: That’s probably not good. When did that start?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts gets to his feet, and so does Recoba! Kalmin Watts lays into him with a chop, and another chop that you can hear through The Ball Arena!
Phillip Blauer: I think the people using those disgusting bathrooms here can hear that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts lifts him up into a suplex, drops Recoba’s feet on the top rope and ricochets back into a slingshot suplex!
The audience chants “WATTS!! WATTS!! WATTS!!” as Kalmin Watts walks around the ring banging his head to the beat. He goes to the other corner then gets down in to a three point stance
Phillip Blauer: Stay down, Cross! I don’t think he can hear me. Larry?
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. lumbers over to the announce position
Phillip Blauer: Can you tell Mr. Cross…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts spears Cross Recoba nearly out of his boots!!
Phillip Blauer: Never mind, Larry.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has gotten back on the board!
Greg Jin: “At 42 minutes 59 seconds, Kalmin Watts has scored a fall. The score is now 3-2, Cross Recoba!”
The crowd is ecstatic as Kalmin Watts rolls over onto his side. Anthony Jordan pats his back from ringside
Phillip Blauer: Great, now he won’t cover the spread! Kalmin Watts has just gotten very unpopular at Vegas sportsbook spots like The Venetian and MGM in Vegas and The Rootin Tootin Bettin’ Saloon over in Laughlin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men utterly exhausted.
Yolanda Ando: Cross Recoba’s hair completely drenched with sweat. As fashion reporter, I thought it was my place to mention that.
Phillip Blauer: She’s in charge of hair now too??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Just let her have it, Phil. Kalmin Watts now up and pulls Recoba up by his, as Yolanda mentioned, sweaty hair. He presses Cross over his head! After nearly 45 minutes of punishment, and that chair shot, how does he still have anything left??
The Ball Arena roars as Watts walks a panicked Cross around the ring and then deposits him over the ropes to the floor below with a sickening splat
Phillip Blauer: We gotta start ponying up for mats.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Apparently, that’s one expense too far for Jonnie. Kalmin steps through the ropes, out onto the floor. He scoops Recoba up and slams him on the concrete!
Cross arches his back in pain. Kalmin moves in and Recoba asks for more time
Phillip Blauer: Meathead Watts once again not being sportsmanlike.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts hip tosses him on to our…woah!!
Kalmin Watts hip tosses Cross so hard he hits the announce table and drinks and papers go everywhere as he falls to the other side of the table
Phillip Blauer: Hey, my doodles! Those are gonna be worth millions!
Yolanda Ando: (horrified, looking at them on the ground) Why does no one have eyes??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry fans, we’re gonna try and stay with you as long as we can as they fight amongst our video and audio equipment. Kalmin now pulls him back into the ringside area, and suplexes him on the concrete!!
Phillip Blauer: Ugh, it sounds like a bag of meat falling from two stories.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts pulls him up and leans him against the apron, slapping him with a hard chop to the chest. Kalmin beating Cross’ chest beet red from those chops.
Watts rolls back into the ring while Cross struggles to get to the apron. Kalmin goes over to pull him back in to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba sneaks under his arms, and slingshots through the middle ropes into a school boy roll up with his feet on the ropes!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
Greg Jin: “At 47 minutes 47 seconds, Cross Recoba has scored a fall. The score is now 4-2, Cross Recoba!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on, Recoba now building on that ridiculous lead he got after the chairs and…Kalmin has him by the throat! He’s done with Cross’ dirty tricks! He kicks him in the stomach, and then double underhook suplexes him across the ring!
The fans cheer and Kalmin keeps on top of him. He scoops him up and drops Recoba’s stomach on his knee with a gutbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts chicken wings Recoba’s arm behind his back and lifts him up into a hammerlock suplex that lands him on his aching arm!
Cross holds his elbow and kicks his toes into the mat in pain, while Kalmin motions for him to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts whacks Recoba with a chop. An exhausted Cross responds with a spinning elbow.
Audience: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts with a big overhand chop!
Audience: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross hits him with a weakish punch.
Audience: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts just tearing into Cross’ pectorals with those chops!
Audience: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is just desperation now, both these men are spent. Cross with a european uppercut.
Audience: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts twirls around with a discus punch that floors Cross Recoba!
The fans roar and Cross is laid out cold. Watts falls into the ropes from the impact
Phillip Blauer: See? I don’t like my wrestlers to twirl…
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one cares, Phil. Kalmin scoops Cross Recoba up and runs him into the center of the ring with a running powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba gets his foot on the bottom rope!
The Denver audience groans and Kalmin can’t believe it. Anthony Jordan tries to keep his man focused with encouraging words
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin pulls Cross up into an inverted facelock, and then pulls him up and over with a reverse suplex!
Cross rolls around in pain. Kalmin uses the ropes to pull himself up and then Recoba stumbles into a front waistlock with Watts’ head under Cross’ shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts flips him into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The Ball Arena is at a fever pitch and the fans celebrate with one another as Kalmin raises one arm
Greg Jin: “At 52 minutes 24 seconds, Kalmin Watts has scored a fall. The score is now 4-3, Cross Recoba!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts has battled back, from down a 3-1 deficit, to now one pin or submission away from tying this up at 4-3!
Both men just lie there, trying to find the energy just to sit up. Anthony Jordan pounds on the apron, getting the crowd to clap for Watts and they start chanting “WATTS!! WATTS!! WATTS!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: A wobbly Cross gets up and goes for Watts, but Watts collapses from exhaustion and Recoba falls through the ropes to the apron.
Phillip Blauer: I think the next finishing move is going to be a finger to the chest.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts goes to pull Cross back into the ring, but Recoba grabs Watts’ head in a front facelock and pulls it through the ropes. Cross jumps up into a hangman’s DDT on the apron!! The hardest part of the ring!
Kalmin Watts slips through the ropes onto the floor as the crowd heckles Cross Recoba at ringside. Both men lie there, motionless for nearly a minute. The Denver fans chant “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: This match, this series, it has to be under consideration for match of the year, feud of the year…
Phillip Blauer: Wouldn’t Jonnie have to take time away from a show to do one of those?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh no, I just meant hypothetically.
Cross Recoba finally climbs back into the ring, and pulls himself up by the ropes. Anthony Jordan helps Kalmin Watts back up to his feet. Recoba runs into the ropes and dives over catching Watts with dropkick on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Million Lira Dropkick!!
Phillip Blauer: (does an Italian accent) That’s a lotta Lira.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t.
The Ball Arena boos as Cross and Kalmin try and stay conscious. Anthony Jordan comes over and starts lightly slapping Watts’ cheeks to keep him awake
Phillip Blauer: See, that? That should be illegal.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross hit him with a chair and used the ropes to beat him.
Phillip Blauer: Yes, but he wasn’t a sympathetic father figure offering support and nurturing.
Cross Recoba slowly gets up and rolls Kalmin Watts back into the ring. He painstakingly pulls himself up on to the apron, and then climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross dives off with a flying forearm, but Kalmin backs up to receive him like a catcher in baseball, and then overhead belly to belly suplexes him!
The jeers turn to cheers and the fans explode with an ear-shattering pop! Kalmin pulls him up and scoops him up into another gutbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts curls him back up and then drops Recoba’s spine across his knee with a backbreaker! He lifts him up for a third time and drops him into a ribbreaker!
Cross is on his side, holding his stomach, but Kalmin Watts pulls him up into a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts hits a perfect german suplex with a bridge to try and tie this thing and force overtime before time runs out!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba rolls his shoulder up!
Cross Recoba painfully stands up by pulling himself up by the ropes and then turns around into another stomach claw
Phillip Blauer: That damned thing again!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs him and spikes him into the mat with a devastating spinebuster!
Cross Recoba eyes are big as saucers as he stares back up at the lights. Watts pulls up Cross’ limp head and pulls it into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts lifts Cross up and drills his skull into the canvas with a jumping piledriver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- Cross Recoba kicks out!
A frustrated Kalmin Watts slaps the mat, and then sits for a second, trying to catch his breath. He pulls Cross up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oklahoma Hammer to the collarbone of Cross, and when he keels over, Cross jumps on his back with The Sooner Squeeze!!
The crowd jumps up and down as Kalmin clamps down on the bodyscissors with all his might and Tommy Milligan signals for the bell
Phillip Blauer: No! No! Make it all a dream! I miss my waterbed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts did it, and made Cross Recoba tap to The Sooner Squeeze twice! We are now going to go to overtime to decide who is the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion!!
Anthony Jordan embraces a completely spent Kalmin Watts through the bottom ropes as Cross lies completely spread eagle, gasping for breath
Greg Jin: “Ladies and Gentleman, One Hour is Up! THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, With A Score Of 4-3…AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…CROSS RECOBA!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: What??
“Hello My Name Is Human” by Highly Suspect plays and The Ball Arena comes unglued. Tommy Milligan drapes the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship across the prone body of Cross Recoba
Phillip Blauer: What a genius! The mental clock in his head told him to lay low and just not get beat and he outlasted him in an unbelievable iron man match! Now that’s chess, baby!
Anthony Jordan pleads his case but Tommy Milligan explains that the time limit expired as Kalmin Watts had The Sooner Squeeze on. The fans start to throw cups and trash in to the ring. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his medical team rush to both competitors with oxygen
Guillermo O’Bannon: What Cross Recoba did was take a fall so that he could go bezerk on an unsuspecting Kalmin Watts with a chair, and win a couple of cheap falls, that wound up making the difference.
Phillip Blauer: Chess, baby!
Anthony Jordan assists Kalmin Watts out of the ring, and along with Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr., they help him gingerly walk down the aisle as the fans pat Watts on the back and shoulders
Guillermo O’Bannon: Make no mistake. Neither man is walking out of here the wrestler they walked in as. Both men have taken something from this match, and learned something about themselves as athletes. And I think Kalmin Watts should be proud of how he conducted himself tonight.
A full soda cup lands near Cross’ head, waking him up a little and he rolls over to his side with David Valentine Jr. still administering oxygen. The fans boo as Cross’ music continues to play
Guillermo O’Bannon: He has been through hell and back this summer with Kalmin Watts, and emerged as a two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion. This series will go down in Hardkore history as one of, if not the best of all time. There was Kilroy and Death Gojira, Rated X and Cyrus Williams, and the former Makoto Jupiter now known as Ri Eun-Ae and “Sexy” Anjanette Turner, but as far as pure wrestling goes, this one by far was the best.
Cross knocks the oxygen away and stands up on his feet. He holds up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship belt and soaks in the jeers of the angry Denver crowd
Phillip Blauer: He snatched victory out of the jaws of defeat, and has emerged from this summer, a better champion and somehow more handsome.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba looked great here tonight, and his future contenders now have an hour to try and find any weaknesses in his game in this match tonight.
Cross Recoba gives the fans a bow, and the boos and trash get heavier. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tells him it’s time to go before it gets dangerous, but Cross ignores him and stands on the second turnbuckle to let the fans get a good look at the two time champion
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, thank you for joining us for our return to the Rocky Mountains, we now fly halfway across the Pacific to have our supershow with J-ROK in Maui, Hawaii.
Phillip Blauer: And I can’t wait to…what? Are you even allowed to fly in there?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Very unclear. But that’s the plan, and it will be where we crown a new Hardkore Women’s Champion, as well as see the best of Hardkore take on the best of Japan’s J-ROK! See you there, and until then Mahalo!
Cross Recoba stumbles down the aisle way with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship as fans flip him off and give him a thumbs down as the show fades out
