Post by flo on Aug 25, 2023 16:42:06 GMT -5
Walmart.
Specifically the big box store next to the Almeda Mall in South Houston.
The security camera feed switches from a parking lot camera to one in the deli section, where a man dressed as a 60s Gorn may have put some pastrami down his overalls. The alternative is that the space alien has a massive erection next to a green child - better call 911, no wait, it's a dwarf. A security guard goes back through the footage to try to find the exact frame where the meat was five fingered - only there isn't a clear angle. When the guard returns to the LIVE feed, the alien is starring up directly into the camera.
Florida Man:
No more jokes? Then how is Neon Bushido going to get into the match?
Clutching his stomach, which looks huge based on the home entertainment systems he's hiding under his wifebeater - Florida Man pantomimes a belly laugh at his own wit.
Florida Man (still talking to security camera):
Takaru, Oni, y'all seem to take issue with the fans enjoying what your friendly neighbourhood Epcot Mafia does... like winning. We stole your Revolution slot? You should be thanking your lucky stars, Bushido! If you HAD been in it, how far would you go? Yet now you get a shot without the hoops. Dark Stars just ran out the Glucks at War Games. I was dang proud to stand next to 'em. Those future fighters are awesomesauce, but because they were in that tournament - they're still working towards a shot. Meanwhile, by virtue of not being beaten by us yet, Bushido are top contenders. Y'all sure are angry for no reason. Are you eating enough Snickers? Given the small army that Donzig assembled for his Hardcore City Shinjuku, you'd think the two Japanese wrestlers he regularly would run into in the back would be shoe-ins. Guess you two were just too comical for that crew. Instead, we gotta put you down. Shame, y'all hate laughing - cause I gotta KILLER Knock Knock joke that uses your faces...
The dwarf waiting patiently next to him in the deli line, suddenly notices Florida Man speaking to the ceiling.
Gazoo:
What are you doing, Flo?
Florida Man (pointing at security camera):
Cutting a promo for Showdown in Houston, Gaz.
Gazoo:
Why not use the gear that WUK sent us?
Florida Man:
Sold it.
Gazoo (shaking head):
But- But- WHY - they gave you nice lights and everything-
Florida Man:
That "Epcot Mafia win WUK gold" celebration party is gonna be lit! Do you see how much Marty is spending on his Birthday Party, Gaz? ....we need more funds to compete for his fond memories...
Gazoo:
We are already months behind. At this rate, you'll lose the belts before you celebrate winning them. Just go simple.
Florida Man:
Never!
The duo return to waiting at the meat counter. The woman in front of them sure does love salami.
Gazoo:
You know, Flo, you were going awfully hard on Neon Bushido.
Florida Man:
I can't help it... I'm just so dang jealous of Matsui.
Gazoo:
Because his tag partner likes him?
Florida Man:
What? Me and Marty are as thick as thieves............. that have been caught trying to burgle a mad scientist, and been sewn into a Human Centipede. I'm the head, by the way. Nah, I'm jealous of Matsui's manager. Out of nowhere, Neon Bushido get a tag shot - and in the same week, he challenges Foxie's EX for the Visual Kei strap? I've been in J-RoK for almost TWO YEARS, been actively feuding with the Visual Kei champs for every minute of that time - and still don't have a shot to show for it. That MXG is really good to his clients. Matsui is so lucky. Maybe I should sign with MXG? Why don't you ever get me shots, Gaz?
Gazoo:
I'm more of a ringside assistance manager, what your lamenting is your agent. Who is that?
Florida Man:
Bucky O. Finklemen.
Gazoo:
Never heard of him.
Florida Man:
He doesn't handle a lot of wrestlers - I might be the only one. His acts are more diverse. Why he represents No Neck Drumsticks.
Gazoo:
My word, the headless chicken that plays percussion?
Florida Man:
Nah Gaz, the No Neck Drumsticks that piloted the Titan submersible until last month - OF COURSE the headless chicken studio musician. How many No Neck Drumsticks do you know?
Gazoo:
Remarkable bird. Saw her perform at Altamont. Kept perfect timing, which is unusual in a normal chicken, let alone a headless one. Flo, I don't suppose you could get me her autograph?
Florida Man:
For you, Gaz? No problem. There has to be some fringe benefit to having Bucky as my agent.... instead of that Matsui pimping MXG.
Speaking of pimping, that reminds the world's most charming Floridian of another talking point, so he returns to screaming at the security camera.
Florida Man:
You want ONI to eat me face? Then can I interest you in some bath salts?
"Excuse me, sir-"
Walmart security approaches WUK's favourite J-RoK superstar.
Guard:
Can you come with me, sir.
Deli Counter:
NEXT!
Dang. What awful timing. Florida Man starts to leave with security, confident that Gazoo can use their spot to get the ham needed for a later prank. Unfortunately, the people of Walmart just trample the dwarf and steal his spot. Unaware of this, the Sunshine State Stud continues to walk towards the security room - with all manner of stolen merchandise falling out as he strolls. Chicken AND Beef? Apparently when you start shoving protein down your drawers, you stop caring abut cross contamination.
Florida Man:
Can I get a copy of the security tape?
Guard:
What for?
Florida Man:
Television mostly.
And like that Florida Man finds a way to record a promo without any fancy WUK videographers.
Because when it comes to telling the masses how badly you're going to beat Neon Bushido?
There is always a way.
Specifically the big box store next to the Almeda Mall in South Houston.
The security camera feed switches from a parking lot camera to one in the deli section, where a man dressed as a 60s Gorn may have put some pastrami down his overalls. The alternative is that the space alien has a massive erection next to a green child - better call 911, no wait, it's a dwarf. A security guard goes back through the footage to try to find the exact frame where the meat was five fingered - only there isn't a clear angle. When the guard returns to the LIVE feed, the alien is starring up directly into the camera.
Florida Man:
No more jokes? Then how is Neon Bushido going to get into the match?
Clutching his stomach, which looks huge based on the home entertainment systems he's hiding under his wifebeater - Florida Man pantomimes a belly laugh at his own wit.
Florida Man (still talking to security camera):
Takaru, Oni, y'all seem to take issue with the fans enjoying what your friendly neighbourhood Epcot Mafia does... like winning. We stole your Revolution slot? You should be thanking your lucky stars, Bushido! If you HAD been in it, how far would you go? Yet now you get a shot without the hoops. Dark Stars just ran out the Glucks at War Games. I was dang proud to stand next to 'em. Those future fighters are awesomesauce, but because they were in that tournament - they're still working towards a shot. Meanwhile, by virtue of not being beaten by us yet, Bushido are top contenders. Y'all sure are angry for no reason. Are you eating enough Snickers? Given the small army that Donzig assembled for his Hardcore City Shinjuku, you'd think the two Japanese wrestlers he regularly would run into in the back would be shoe-ins. Guess you two were just too comical for that crew. Instead, we gotta put you down. Shame, y'all hate laughing - cause I gotta KILLER Knock Knock joke that uses your faces...
The dwarf waiting patiently next to him in the deli line, suddenly notices Florida Man speaking to the ceiling.
Gazoo:
What are you doing, Flo?
Florida Man (pointing at security camera):
Cutting a promo for Showdown in Houston, Gaz.
Gazoo:
Why not use the gear that WUK sent us?
Florida Man:
Sold it.
Gazoo (shaking head):
But- But- WHY - they gave you nice lights and everything-
Florida Man:
That "Epcot Mafia win WUK gold" celebration party is gonna be lit! Do you see how much Marty is spending on his Birthday Party, Gaz? ....we need more funds to compete for his fond memories...
Gazoo:
We are already months behind. At this rate, you'll lose the belts before you celebrate winning them. Just go simple.
Florida Man:
Never!
The duo return to waiting at the meat counter. The woman in front of them sure does love salami.
Gazoo:
You know, Flo, you were going awfully hard on Neon Bushido.
Florida Man:
I can't help it... I'm just so dang jealous of Matsui.
Gazoo:
Because his tag partner likes him?
Florida Man:
What? Me and Marty are as thick as thieves............. that have been caught trying to burgle a mad scientist, and been sewn into a Human Centipede. I'm the head, by the way. Nah, I'm jealous of Matsui's manager. Out of nowhere, Neon Bushido get a tag shot - and in the same week, he challenges Foxie's EX for the Visual Kei strap? I've been in J-RoK for almost TWO YEARS, been actively feuding with the Visual Kei champs for every minute of that time - and still don't have a shot to show for it. That MXG is really good to his clients. Matsui is so lucky. Maybe I should sign with MXG? Why don't you ever get me shots, Gaz?
Gazoo:
I'm more of a ringside assistance manager, what your lamenting is your agent. Who is that?
Florida Man:
Bucky O. Finklemen.
Gazoo:
Never heard of him.
Florida Man:
He doesn't handle a lot of wrestlers - I might be the only one. His acts are more diverse. Why he represents No Neck Drumsticks.
Gazoo:
My word, the headless chicken that plays percussion?
Florida Man:
Nah Gaz, the No Neck Drumsticks that piloted the Titan submersible until last month - OF COURSE the headless chicken studio musician. How many No Neck Drumsticks do you know?
Gazoo:
Remarkable bird. Saw her perform at Altamont. Kept perfect timing, which is unusual in a normal chicken, let alone a headless one. Flo, I don't suppose you could get me her autograph?
Florida Man:
For you, Gaz? No problem. There has to be some fringe benefit to having Bucky as my agent.... instead of that Matsui pimping MXG.
Speaking of pimping, that reminds the world's most charming Floridian of another talking point, so he returns to screaming at the security camera.
Florida Man:
You want ONI to eat me face? Then can I interest you in some bath salts?
"Excuse me, sir-"
Walmart security approaches WUK's favourite J-RoK superstar.
Guard:
Can you come with me, sir.
Deli Counter:
NEXT!
Dang. What awful timing. Florida Man starts to leave with security, confident that Gazoo can use their spot to get the ham needed for a later prank. Unfortunately, the people of Walmart just trample the dwarf and steal his spot. Unaware of this, the Sunshine State Stud continues to walk towards the security room - with all manner of stolen merchandise falling out as he strolls. Chicken AND Beef? Apparently when you start shoving protein down your drawers, you stop caring abut cross contamination.
Florida Man:
Can I get a copy of the security tape?
Guard:
What for?
Florida Man:
Television mostly.
And like that Florida Man finds a way to record a promo without any fancy WUK videographers.
Because when it comes to telling the masses how badly you're going to beat Neon Bushido?
There is always a way.