TINTO N' MARTY'S MOUSE PARTY
Sept 2, 2023 14:19:10 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 8 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Sept 2, 2023 14:19:10 GMT -5
The cameras open up on Kevin Valentine Jr. standing outside the gates of Walt Disney World. The HKW Backstage Interviewer is dressed as Marcus Mouse, father of Minnie, and stands by with a microphone as people continue to filter into the park for the event.
Kevin Valentine Jr: Welcome fans to Tinto ‘n Marty’s Mouse Party! I’m Kevin Valentine Jr and I can’t tell you how stoked I am to be here tonight but I’m not the only one. Big Bob Iger’s here, Rachel Zegler and Gal Gadot are rumored to be in the VIP section alongside a literal Who’s Who of the XHF Network!
In the background, drunken frat boys approach the gate in good spirits.
Frat Boys: MIGHTY DUCK MONGO, MIGHTY DUCK! MIGHTY DUCK MONGO, MIGHTY DUCK!!
Kevin Valentine Jr: Yes, even Mongo is rumored to be somewhere deep inside the Magic Kingdom! Lets see what people are looking forward to as they line-up for entry.
The roving reporter approaches several fans dressed out in Mighty Ducks shirts.
Kevin Valentine Jr: Hi, folks. Kevin Valentine Junior here. Ahead of tonight’s packed card, who are you most looking forward to seeing in action?
Hockey Group: THE ZAMBONI BANDIT!!!!
Hockey Guy #1: HE’S GOING TO [BLEEP] DEACON OLDHAM UP!!
Hockey Guy #2: But what about the threat of Mystery Entrant #7???
Kevin Valentine Jr: Why not the other mystery entrants?
Hockey Guy #2: He’s number seven! Lucky number seven? HELLO!!!!
Hockey Guy #2 ruffles the hair of Kevin as he retreats.
Kevin Valentine Jr: What about these folks over there?
Kevin approaches two librarian-looking mofos.
Kevin Valentine Jr: Kevin Valentine Junior, official roving reporter for the Mouse Party. Who are you cheering for tonight?
The male of the couple rips off his cardigan to reveal a Winnie The Pooh bondage outfit underneath.
Male Librarian: MISTRESS DISCIPLINE! LIBRARIANS ARE PEOPLE TOO!!
Ducking out before he falls into the trap of asking too many questions, Kevin Valentine backs into a suited-up gentleman.
Kevin Valentine Jr: Kevin Valentine Junior, who are you looking forward to seeing ton-
The man turns around.
Kevin Valentine Jr: CROSS???
Cross Recoba: I’m looking at Bloodied Fox, sorry…Peter Cain tonight. If he’s handing out shots to people like Mistress Discipline then surely he can find time in his schedule to face the XHF Box Office Smash, Cross Recoba! If he loses? I’ll gladly wipe the smug smile of Death Trap’s face as I rob his partner of one of the few times she’s been relevant.
Kevin Valentine Jr: You’re banned from tonight! How do you think you’ll get in?
Cross Recoba: My face is my ticket, Kevin. What else?
Kevin Valentine Jr: SECURITY!!
Cross Recoba: You really want to get Jonnie’s back up like that?
Security enter.
Security Guard #1: Mr Recoba, you can come with me.
Cross Recoba: Why?
Security Guard #2: Marty Donovan specifically excluded you from being a part of tonight.
Cross Recoba: Good job it was Tinto who invited me.
Security Guard #1: Tinto blames you for no-one giving him chair shots in the Rumble. Your whole ABCs not CTEs bit? Yeah, didn’t go down well with our boss.
The two security guards are now less polite as they grab an arm each and march Recoba out of shot.
Cross Recoba: HE’S STILL MAD ABOUT PALM SPRINGS! PALM SPRINGS!!!
Kevin Valentine Jr: Welcome fans to Tinto ‘n Marty’s Mouse Party! I’m Kevin Valentine Jr and I can’t tell you how stoked I am to be here tonight but I’m not the only one. Big Bob Iger’s here, Rachel Zegler and Gal Gadot are rumored to be in the VIP section alongside a literal Who’s Who of the XHF Network!
In the background, drunken frat boys approach the gate in good spirits.
Frat Boys: MIGHTY DUCK MONGO, MIGHTY DUCK! MIGHTY DUCK MONGO, MIGHTY DUCK!!
Kevin Valentine Jr: Yes, even Mongo is rumored to be somewhere deep inside the Magic Kingdom! Lets see what people are looking forward to as they line-up for entry.
The roving reporter approaches several fans dressed out in Mighty Ducks shirts.
Kevin Valentine Jr: Hi, folks. Kevin Valentine Junior here. Ahead of tonight’s packed card, who are you most looking forward to seeing in action?
Hockey Group: THE ZAMBONI BANDIT!!!!
Hockey Guy #1: HE’S GOING TO [BLEEP] DEACON OLDHAM UP!!
Hockey Guy #2: But what about the threat of Mystery Entrant #7???
Kevin Valentine Jr: Why not the other mystery entrants?
Hockey Guy #2: He’s number seven! Lucky number seven? HELLO!!!!
Hockey Guy #2 ruffles the hair of Kevin as he retreats.
Kevin Valentine Jr: What about these folks over there?
Kevin approaches two librarian-looking mofos.
Kevin Valentine Jr: Kevin Valentine Junior, official roving reporter for the Mouse Party. Who are you cheering for tonight?
The male of the couple rips off his cardigan to reveal a Winnie The Pooh bondage outfit underneath.
Male Librarian: MISTRESS DISCIPLINE! LIBRARIANS ARE PEOPLE TOO!!
Ducking out before he falls into the trap of asking too many questions, Kevin Valentine backs into a suited-up gentleman.
Kevin Valentine Jr: Kevin Valentine Junior, who are you looking forward to seeing ton-
The man turns around.
Kevin Valentine Jr: CROSS???
Cross Recoba: I’m looking at Bloodied Fox, sorry…Peter Cain tonight. If he’s handing out shots to people like Mistress Discipline then surely he can find time in his schedule to face the XHF Box Office Smash, Cross Recoba! If he loses? I’ll gladly wipe the smug smile of Death Trap’s face as I rob his partner of one of the few times she’s been relevant.
Kevin Valentine Jr: You’re banned from tonight! How do you think you’ll get in?
Cross Recoba: My face is my ticket, Kevin. What else?
Kevin Valentine Jr: SECURITY!!
Cross Recoba: You really want to get Jonnie’s back up like that?
Security enter.
Security Guard #1: Mr Recoba, you can come with me.
Cross Recoba: Why?
Security Guard #2: Marty Donovan specifically excluded you from being a part of tonight.
Cross Recoba: Good job it was Tinto who invited me.
Security Guard #1: Tinto blames you for no-one giving him chair shots in the Rumble. Your whole ABCs not CTEs bit? Yeah, didn’t go down well with our boss.
The two security guards are now less polite as they grab an arm each and march Recoba out of shot.
Cross Recoba: HE’S STILL MAD ABOUT PALM SPRINGS! PALM SPRINGS!!!
The scene opens up in front of Cinderella's Castle where Kasper Van Zant dressed as Snow White™ stands surrounded by her Seven Dwarfs. She greets the small milling group of people as they pass (they don't know her really) offering them a kind smile and Princess wave what she fails to notice is the sign being lowered over her head that reads: KISS CAM PRACTICE ZONE. The evil Queen and Snow Whites wicked stepmother along with the Huntsmen are behind the lowering of the sign.
Kasper is bumped into and greeted by a very bashful Goofy and Pluto. Kasper very over the top cookie cutter type claps her hands to each cheek..only she isn't really smiling either..
Kasper VZ: Oh goodness what a surprise, Goofy and Pluto!
The pair kindly point up above her head and Kasper as Snow White finally sees the sign, her face turns a light red...
Kasper VZ: I see! Are you both wanting a kiss for courage?
Both Goofy and Pluto acting just as bashful as Bashful the dwarf agree in unison as they point at Kasper and then themselves flexing their muscles.
Kasper VZ: Oh..yes...you do...of course.
Kasper leaned over and kissed both of the big headed costumed characters, and it did the trick so they walked away, and just when Kasper almost started to walk a big gloved hand tapped her on the shoulder...
Kasper VZ: Oh...Mickey Mouse!
And it was Mickey...and Minnie...the camera cuts past Minnie and there was more! A line! There was Aladdin and Genie, Dumbo, all of the Lion King, Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, The Mad Hatter of Alice in Wonderland, all 101 Dalmations, Lilo and Stitch holding hands with Moana, the Fox and the Hound with all of Jungle Book, Wall-E, and more and more as the camera panned out. Kasper aka Snow White was in total shock and one by one she delivered kisses to every single one...
The shot opens on a tranquil body of water as the iconic Cinderella's Castle stands in the distance. The shore is packed with both wrestling and Disney fans. “Under The Sea” from The Little Mermaid play over the speakers as a wrestling ring floats in the center of the lagoon. The camera cuts to the commentary table. All three announcers wear headsets with Mickey or Minnie ears on them. Guillermo O’Bannon is wearing a Smoke Tree Ranch tie like Walt Disney used to. Next to him is Olivia Oldham, sporting her VIP tour guide outfit and a fresh cut. On the end is a miserable looking Phillip Blauer wearing Mickey’s costume from Fantasia.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Welcome to Tinto N’ Marty’s Mouse Party live from the most magical place on Earth, Walt Disney World! Today we’re going to have one heck of a wrestling show to celebrate Tinto’s 8th birthday and Disney Marty Donovan’s 22nd…we’re really going with that?
Olivia nods.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Okay, Disney’s Marty Donovan’s 22nd birthday! I am Guillermo O’Bannon. A special show like this requires a Disney expert so we’re joined by Olivia Oldham. Ollie, is it true you've spent almost every day of the past decade at the park?
Ollie Oldham: That’s right, Guillermo. I’m currently a private tour guide here at Walt Disney World.
Phillip Blauer: I thought you were one of the broads they slap a wig on and pretend is a princess?
Ollie looks offended.
Ollie Oldham: No, I used to work as a close, personal friend of Princess Anna, Princess Rapunzel, and Tinkerbell.
Phillip Blauer: And people try to claim I’m in a cult!
Guillermo O’Bannon: How can you be in such a bad mood in a place like this, Phil?
Phillip Blauer: From the false advertising of my hotel.
Ollie Oldham: Just because it’s named the Swan Resort doesn’t mean you can leave your exotic pet birds unattended in the lobby.
Phillip Blauer: I had a lighting lane reserved for The Magic Carpets of Aladdin. If you have a better idea then I’m all mouse ears.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think Marty actually has a great idea he’d love for us to talk about.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Welcome to Tinto N’ Marty’s Mouse Party live from the most magical place on Earth, Walt Disney World! Today we’re going to have one heck of a wrestling show to celebrate Tinto’s 8th birthday and Disney Marty Donovan’s 22nd…we’re really going with that?
Olivia nods.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Okay, Disney’s Marty Donovan’s 22nd birthday! I am Guillermo O’Bannon. A special show like this requires a Disney expert so we’re joined by Olivia Oldham. Ollie, is it true you've spent almost every day of the past decade at the park?
Ollie Oldham: That’s right, Guillermo. I’m currently a private tour guide here at Walt Disney World.
Phillip Blauer: I thought you were one of the broads they slap a wig on and pretend is a princess?
Ollie looks offended.
Ollie Oldham: No, I used to work as a close, personal friend of Princess Anna, Princess Rapunzel, and Tinkerbell.
Phillip Blauer: And people try to claim I’m in a cult!
Guillermo O’Bannon: How can you be in such a bad mood in a place like this, Phil?
Phillip Blauer: From the false advertising of my hotel.
Ollie Oldham: Just because it’s named the Swan Resort doesn’t mean you can leave your exotic pet birds unattended in the lobby.
Phillip Blauer: I had a lighting lane reserved for The Magic Carpets of Aladdin. If you have a better idea then I’m all mouse ears.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think Marty actually has a great idea he’d love for us to talk about.
Ollie Oldham: That’s right! He’s asking that everybody donates to his new charity, The Marty Donovan Foundation. It would be the perfect birthday present!
Phillip Blauer: You’ve got to be kidding me. A charity run by Marty? For what exactly?
Ollie Oldham: The Marty Donovan foundation is dedicated to providing critical support for the warriors, veterans, and families of Naval Special Warfare.
Phil bursts out in laughter and Ollie glares at him.
Phillip Blauer: This is just a bribe to your old man, a number Marty can point to the next time he gets criticized for not knowing how to change the oil in a car.
Ollie Oldham: That’s not true! Marty said the time he spent with my family has made him passionate about these issues. Don’t you believe him, Guillermo?
There is a long pause on commentary as Guillermo weighs if it’s worse to lie or agree with Phil.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’ll tell you what I believe. That money is going to help so many people.
Both Ollie and Phil roll their eyes at his cowardice. A speed boat races into frame and the crowd cheers as they spot Marty and Tinto, both dressed as Prince Eric. Tinto struggles to hold up a golden statue of Rapunzel’s Tower which is taller than him. Marty meanwhile is waving a golden version of Maui’s fish hook from Moana.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here come the birthday boys! They’re showing off the trophies up for grabs in the Seven Seas Skirmish. Maui’s fish hook will go to the wrestler with the most eliminations and Rapunzel’s Tower will go to the last person in the ring.
Phillip Blauer: They get more than just the trophy though. Our grand winners gets to choose between a free trip aboard the Disney Wish cruise ship or a shot at one of the Hardkore World championships.
Ollie Oldham: I’m no wrestling historian, but I can promise you all this! The Seven Seas Skirmish is going to be the greatest rumble ever on land or sea!
Ollie Oldham: The Marty Donovan foundation is dedicated to providing critical support for the warriors, veterans, and families of Naval Special Warfare.
Phil bursts out in laughter and Ollie glares at him.
Phillip Blauer: This is just a bribe to your old man, a number Marty can point to the next time he gets criticized for not knowing how to change the oil in a car.
Ollie Oldham: That’s not true! Marty said the time he spent with my family has made him passionate about these issues. Don’t you believe him, Guillermo?
There is a long pause on commentary as Guillermo weighs if it’s worse to lie or agree with Phil.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’ll tell you what I believe. That money is going to help so many people.
Both Ollie and Phil roll their eyes at his cowardice. A speed boat races into frame and the crowd cheers as they spot Marty and Tinto, both dressed as Prince Eric. Tinto struggles to hold up a golden statue of Rapunzel’s Tower which is taller than him. Marty meanwhile is waving a golden version of Maui’s fish hook from Moana.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here come the birthday boys! They’re showing off the trophies up for grabs in the Seven Seas Skirmish. Maui’s fish hook will go to the wrestler with the most eliminations and Rapunzel’s Tower will go to the last person in the ring.
Phillip Blauer: They get more than just the trophy though. Our grand winners gets to choose between a free trip aboard the Disney Wish cruise ship or a shot at one of the Hardkore World championships.
Ollie Oldham: I’m no wrestling historian, but I can promise you all this! The Seven Seas Skirmish is going to be the greatest rumble ever on land or sea!
THE WORST RUMBLE EVER ON LAND OR SEA!
By Tuna Meltzer
Even with a fish based nickname, I can’t give this Seven Seas Rumble a pass. It was absolutely dreadful and I doubt readers will be surprised to learn that much of the blame rests with Marty Donovan himself. Yes, Disney's pitchman still lives in Steve Awesome’s massive shadow and the desperation to escape it grows more pathetic each day.
First out was “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall. This was expected. Squid had demanded to be the first entrant given his (likely correct) suspicions that Donovan would intentionally give him an earlier number either way. Despite bad blood with the host, the crowd was still excited to see the young performer and eagerly sang along to “Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis. Squid rode out in a speedboat with the flag of Greater Manchester waving.
Brock Lesnar’s music hit and the fans in front of Disney World went wild. It was a great visual, but honestly, everything was downhill from there.
Marty hadn’t booked Brock, but rather Doug who is just a guy from the ring crew. The mismatch was immediately apparent as the physically unimpressive Doug got face to face with Callum. Squid instantly trapped the poor guy wearing sweatpants and an nWo shirt in an armbar. It was evident this was going to be a long two minutes.
That would be if Tinto knew the difference between minutes and seconds. Marty had foolishly put the small boy in charge of the cues and they immediately called for entrant #3. “Anchor’s Away” played to cue Deacon Oldham’s entrance, but he never appeared. Olivia admitted on commentary that she had talked her 60 year father out of competing earlier due to safety concerns. So within the first three minutes we’ve had a disappointing Brock Lesnar tease, an unathletic ring crew schmuck, and a falsely advertised AARP member.
Doug took advantage of the confusion of the non-entrant and landed a low blow to Squid. He then tried to finish them off with an F5, but wasn’t strong enough to lift his opponent. Cornwall turned it into a guillotine choke as Phil Blauer commented on how the wrestling ring is too dangerous for untrained civilians. He would have made a good point if not for what happened next.
Tinto, adamant that he knows how to tell time, hit the button to cue entrant #4 early too. “Ride A White Swan” by T.Rex played as Phil Blauer, master hypocrite, removed his headset. Blauer had a white, Dalton Castle like jumpsuit underneath his attire with a cape serving as large wings. Phil took his theme song literally and rode a swan boat to the ring. The failed news anchor then tried to leap from the vessel to the top rope and failed spectacularly, crashing to the lake before even entering the match.
The now soaked Phil got in the ring and demanded that Squid hand over Doug. Amused by this circus, Callum agreed. Phil attempted to do Undertaker’s old school rope walk, but tripped on the first step and crotched himself. Doug and Blauer then began an unimpressive chop battle. Meanwhile, Marty scolded Tinto and made sure he waited the entire two minutes for the next entrant.
Boy, was it ever worth the wait.
The 5th entrant was Zamboni Bandit, which means the entire first quarter of the match had featured one competent wrestler. Bandit had constructed a dubious looking ramp and attempted to ride his vehicle of choice down it. I guess he was hoping to build enough speed to launch the Zamboni into the ring? It doesn’t matter because the shoddy thing fell apart and he drove right into the lagoon. Rather than swim to the ring, Bandit went down with his “ship” like a noble captain as the boos in the crowd began. Rescue crews scrambled to find ZB.
Sensing the audience turning on his match, Marty demanded that Tinto send in another entrant. The fake orphan, who had just been lectured on the importance of waiting two minutes, refused. Marty wrestled the remote free and smashed the button.
Mercifully, “See You Soon” by Chelsea Grin played as Donzig marched out accompanied by Sinclair in a Scarlet Witch cosplay. He actually got a nice reaction from the crowd. Perhaps this was to do with a mellowing of his attitude in recent months? Honestly though, I’d wager the crowd was just happy to see a second wrestler in this awful match.
Phil immediately got in Dozig’s face and was dropped with a right hook. The news anchor then found himself in a sharpshooter. Not to be outdone, Squid then applied one to Doug as well. Donzig and Callum tossed insults at each other while keeping the less qualified opponents wrapped up like pretzels. Eventually, they both released the holds and began to trade punches as the crowd came alive. Marty handed back the remote and, after a legitimate two minutes, Tinto cues the 7th entrant.
This was the second surprise wrestler and a much better one than Blauer. "Set the World on Fire" by Annihilator played as Little Dragon lept from the ferry to the apron. He then hit a springboard double dropkick to knock down both Donzig and Squid. The three men then began a battle of their contrasting styles to the delight of the crowd. Donzig attempted to throw Squid out of the ring, but he just skinned the cat back over the rope. Jealous, Blauer tossed himself over the top rope to try one of his own, but gets stuck. Little Dragon was quick to capitalize, dropkicking Phil into the lagoon for the matches first elimination.
The birthday party was then crashed as a boatload of uninvited wrestlers poured into the ring. It quickly became evident that they were sent by Disney’s media rivals because the crew included The Netflix Warrior, The Primal Amazonian, El Hijo de Hulu, Star Trekker, and the Discovery+ Ancient Alien. The actual entrants tried to fight back, but were overwhelmed by the gang tactics. A nervous Marty Donovan checked his watch as the next entrant seemed to be taking forever. He then noticed that Tinto had wandered away from the remote and was busy trying to get a straw into a juicebox. Marty slammed the button, desperately for some fresh reinforcement to win the streaming wars for him.
As luck would have it, the next entrant did just that. “The Man That You Fear” by Marilyn Manson played and the invaders knew they were in trouble as Tarrasque hit the ring. The monster began to toss the streaming mascots around like they were rag dolls. Netflix Warrior called for a test of strength and put up a good fight before being overpowered. After multiple jacknife powerbombs and his "Paralyzing Factor" finisher, the invaders were tossed to the outside. This gave Tarrasque 5 unofficial eliminations. The other entrants didn’t show much thanks and all began to attack the monster in vain.
Tinto was crying, explaining that Marty isn’t responsible enough to press the button like he is, but Donovan ignored the criticism.
The 9th entrant was next and the crowd roared in anticipation when "Bow Down" by I Prevail played. They knew Spike was out for revenge, leaping off the ferry and heading straight for Donzig. Tarrasque told Spike to get lost as he was busy stomping Donzig in the corner and received a Thunderstruck Stunner for his trouble. Kane stepped over the monster and started to deliver some stomps of his own to Donzig.
The cameras caught Phil Blauer, who had managed to swim to one of the deserted islands in the center of the lake. He seemed to have had a nervous breakdown, believing he was in a shipwrecked situation. The other commentators tried to explain that he can just ride one of the boats to shore, but Phil is convinced he saw dozens of alligators in the water. Given the tragic fatality that happened there a few years back, star employee Olivia was quick to try and squash that rumor. Getting into a shouting match with Phil, she promises the viewers that Disney had added numerous safety features and there are zero alligators present.
Then, the 10th entrant, Florida Man walked out in his alligator costume.
FML did his normal call and response with the crowd. He proclaimed that given the circumstances, a double birthday charity show, he would make a rare exception and for this one day only proclaim Walt Disney World as part of Florida Country. He was dead serious.
The gator wrestler hit the ring and immediately wrapped Doug up in the Bridge Over Key Largo which made Marty nervous. Squid broke up the hold and got hit with The Answer for his troubles. The ring crew turned wrestler wisely rolled under the bottom rope and swam to safety. The color drained from Marty’s face as he pondered if FML actually was his former father figure turned nemesis, Cobryn. Meanwhile Spike and Donzig exchanged punches in the corner.
Little Dragon went to the apron, planning to springboard into the ring, when a Scuba diver emerged from the waters. This mystery man yanked Little Dragon into the Lagoon for the second elimination. The diver swam back under the ring. On commentary, Olivia was furious. She realized her father had lied about skipping the match and was actually using his BUD/S training to surprise the other wrestlers.
Entering at 11 was Kenezu Fujiwara, a serious man in suit and shades. He was recently hired to be the bodyguard for Hardkore World’s Joey Little Horse. Kenezu rode out to the ring in a speedboat, but didn’t enter during the battle. He sat in the craft, waiting for something.
Next out was Primal to a nice pop from the crowd, though some of that might have been for the Yacht Captain hat that Buttons was wearing. Primal swam out to the ring wearing a life vest made from his body hair. Best not to ask where exactly that hair was located.
Primal entered the match, hairy fists swinging. He wrapped his chest locks around Spike’s neck and finally broke up the private fight that was going on with Donzig in the corner. Doug crawled back in and things began to get chaotic as the ring became more crowded.
Florida Man tossed Callum to the apron. Squid managed to move just in time as Deacon lept up on the apron. The Hardkore World rookie hit the Navy veteran with a stiff uppercut and tossed him back inside the ring. Tarrasque landed a massive powerbomb to Florida Man, the reptilian luchador seemingly knocked out on the mat. Donzig and Spike attacked Primal anytime he interfered with their duel. Meanwhile, Phil interrupted the broadcast to report he had located a lost tribe across the lake and was going to provide their first contact with the outside world. Olivia explained he was looking at the Ploynisian Resort.
The 13th entrant was next for the first real surprise of the night.
The crowd let out a huge nostalgia pop as Hardkore World / SWAT legend the Reverend Cornelius Marsh strutted out in his all white suit. I don’t think the surprise was that Marsh was here, but rather that he is a free man again after the endless scams his televangelist network ran back in the day. Marsh began to give a sermon to the crowd and reminded them to not let the wrestling distract from what this event really was about.
Namely, the wedding of Marty Donovan and Olivia Oldham.
Clearly, there was a mistake with his notes given how caught off guard the alleged bride and groom were about this. Marsh also stated that Marty’s middle name was Ibdogbe, so fact checking was never his strong point. It was no use trying to tell any of this to Deacon Oldham though. Ollie’s dad was furious, turning his back on the match to shout at Marty’s boat. Donovan desperately pleaded towards the ring that there was a mistake and there wasn’t going to be any Donovan Oldham weddings. I guess he said it too convincingly because Ollie then got mad on commentary. Suddenly, FML made a miraculous recovery and tossed the former Seal into the lagoon for elimination number 3.
Florida Man danced around the ring, bragging about Marty’s “brillant scheme” to help his favorite tag partner eliminate that “old idiot”. There was murder in Deacon’s eyes as Marty dove out of his boat and swam towards the island Phil was on. It was a stupid move since Marty was already on a fast boat, but he was clearly too afraid of Deacon to think straight.
All of this nonsense took so long, that it was time for entrant #14. "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane played as Joe Nobody leaped off the Ferry. The fedora wearing superstar shouted to Kenezu Fujiwara, goading the man to leave his boat. Joe was clearly mad that his rival LIttle Horse had sent a lackey instead of showing up himself. Kenezu leaped into the ring and started throwing hands with Nobody. Phil spoke to the commentary team in a somber voice, explaining that he had just witnessed a terrorist attack. Someone had driven a monorail right into the Contemporary Resort. Guillermo explained there is a train station inside the hotel.
With Marty no longer on the boat, Tinto's reign of terror with the remote began. He pressed the wrestler cue three times in a row.
“Hush” by Tool played and first out was Kasper Van Zant. The exciting rookie wore a Snow White bikini and rode a jet ski to the ring. Flanking her were seven dwarves on tiny jet skis of their own. The fairy tale faction hit the ring and further added to the chaos of the night.
No one’s arrival caused more chaos than the next surprise entrant though.
The long, iconic intro to “No Quarter” by Led Zeppelin played and the crowd absolutely lost their mind. A nonchalant man with flower child hair and an open dress shirt swaggered on to the stage. Cobryn, perhaps the most famous and controversial Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, had made his return to wrestling.
If only it wasn’t just that jobber Scorpion in a bad wig.
It really showed what a petty child Marty Donovan is. Does he not have enough enemies in wrestling at the moment ? He’s rich with a great Disney gig and a beautiful girlfriend! No, even at an exorbitant event to celebrate his life, Marty is obsessed with settling scores from decades ago.
Poor Scorpion timidly entered the ring and was immediately hit with “The Answer” by Florida Man. Donzig picked up the defeated Scorpion and tossed him out. What a waste of an entrant. If it turns out FML actually is the real Cobryn than I imagine Marty is going to have some future issues with his WUK tag team partner.
“Riptide” by Vance Joy played as Simon Cruise rode out on his surfboard named Robinson. The HKW West Coast champion was caught off guard by the mixed reaction he received, likely because he damaged the famous Swiss Family Robinson tree to make his new ride. The commentary team was trying to figure out how Cruise made the surfboard talk and seem so life like. Guillermo asked Olivia for some insight into Disney audio-animatronics, but her mind was focused on family drama.
Cruise buckshot lariated his way into the ring, taking out Squid in order to save his friend Doug. Kasper demonstrated why she is such a promising young wrestler, tossing the others around like they were children. It didn’t hurt to have seven dwarves doing her bidding. Donzig looked at one in horror, as if he had never seen such a being before. I’m guessing that one is named Happy.
Running on an adrenaline rush, Tinto pressed the button ten more times. Which was overkill since there were only three entrants left, all of them mystery wrestlers.
Psychotic Goth rode out in an all black boat. The crowd was excited to see him, but not surprised. Journalists had spotted Goth at the park earlier that week and there was an incident where he refused to leave the Haunted Mansion at closing time. Apparently he had helped himself to a few props as well, judging by the Madame Leota crystal ball in the boat. Goth slid in the ring with a prop tombstone and began hitting wrestlers over the head with it.
Next 'Untouchable' by Motionless In White played and the crowd cheered from a legit surprise. The always intense Eli Dresden lept from the ferry and immediately tackled the Salford Squid, lighting the rookie up with left and right hooks. Elsewhere, Marty pleaded for sanctuary on Phil’s island as Blauer kicked sand in his face. Eventually, after Marty kissed his feet, Phil allowed him to go hide in the shrubs.
Tinto continued to spam the button, but the truck decided to hold off on the last entrant for dramatic effect. For once it was worth the wait.
“Run to the Hills” by Iron Maiden played and the crowd roared as the Hardkore / SWAT legend and UCW founder “Rage” Dave Sadler rode out to the ring. Squid looked like he'd seen a ghost as his wrestling teacher entered the rumble. They shared a brief faceoff before Sadler shot in on Callum and they began some British chain wrestling. It was absolute bedlam in the ring with all the competitors now present. Well, everyone except Reverend Marsh, who was still giving a sermon back at the entrance.
It became hard for people to even move around the ring with it so full. Kenezu used this to his advantage, waving between traffic to keep Joe Nobody at bay. When the fedora fan finally got his hands on Kenezu, he was hit with a sucker punch loaded with a roll of quarters. The bodyguard then tossed Little Horse’s rival out of the rumble. However, Kenezu didn't see Primal charging in and a big boot saw him eliminated just as quickly. Kenezu and Nobody continued to fight in the lagoon itself.
Back on Blauer Island, a livid Deacon stormed the beach. Phil drew a line in the sand and flapped his cape / wings to intimidate the former Seal Team Six member. Deacon just smacked the color commentator across the face and choked him out, demanding to know where Marty went. Donovan used the distraction to swim for the Polynesian Resort. Oldham followed hot on his tail. Mercifully, it was the last we’d see of these three for the rest of the rumble.
Things had only grown more hectic in the rumble. The dwarves had all climbed on Tarrasque, the monster flailing around to free himself. Kasper waited until they were by the ropes to dropkick the monster and her loyal minions into the water. Spike Kane was slumped against the ropes, recovering from his war with Donzig. Primal ran in for another big boot, but Kane dropped down and let the hairiest wrestler go for a swim.
Florida Man seemed possessed, desperate to fight only Eli for reasons none of the crowd was sure of. Guillermo then realized she was mystery entrant #6 he had sworn revenge against in his promo. Confused and frustrated, Eli tugged on the FML’s mask to blind him and then hit The OMFN slingblade. The gator flopped in the center of the ring, knocked out. Psychotic Goth had set a trap though, waiting for her to turn around and then broke the prop tombstone over Eli’s head. He tossed the popular wrestler into the lagoon. Turnabout is fair play though, as Donzig was waiting for Goth. The Scourge DDT’d Goth onto the broken tombstone pieces on the canvas and then chucked him out as well.
Kasper showed off her strength by landing a buckle bomb on Simon Cruise and then tossing him to the outside. The surfer managed to land on Robinson and avoid elimination. Cruise entered again with another buckshot lariat, taking Kasper down. The woozy surfer used the ropes to pull himself back to his feet, where his friend Doug was waiting. A single New Jack City tear rolled down the ring crew member’s face before he whispered “I’m sorry. I love you” and hit the worst looking superkick in history to Simon. The attack knocked Cruise out of the ring and some people wonder if it even made contact at all. Was this a big brother program thing? Did Simon eliminate himself to help Doug’s self-esteem. If so, he’s the gnarliest dude ever.
Doug fell to his knees and sobbed. Donzig capitalized, pulling the ring crew member into a package piledriver and then tossing him into the water. Reverend Marsh finally finished his sermon and boarded a glass bottom boat, so that he could claim he was walking on water. The alleged holy man entered the ring and started to lecture Spike about the need to forgive Donzig. Kane claimed to have seen the light and hugged Marsh, but it was just for a belly to belly suplex. Spike then tossed the preacher into the cleansing waters.
Squid had the highlight of his career, choking out his mentor with their own Tazmission. He didn’t see Kasper coming in from the side with a running knee as he attempted to stand. She grabbed the choked out Sadler and tossed the legend out of the ring for the biggest feather in her cap yet. Squid was livid as he rose to his feet to confront her. He didn’t notice Donzig sneak up from behind and apply a tazmission of his own. The squid was then thrown back into his watery home.
We were down to the final four. Kasper, Donzig, Spike and…Florida Man still snoozing in the center of the ring. Van Zant rested in the corner, knowing that Spike was just going to focus on attacking his enemy and not wanting to risk falling into a Florida Man trap. The two rivals continued to go to war while the others rested. Eventually, Donzig was in the corner and Spike went in for a slash. Donzig got out of the way in time and Spike crashed into the turnbuckles. Donzig hit the dazed Kane with The Event Horizon and tossed him outside.
Spike wasn’t interested in stopping. He immediately got back in the ring and continued to attack Donzig, ignoring the ref. A boat full of Disney security had to break the two apart, but no before Spike got his hand on a nightstick and cracked Donzig across the head with it. Kane was forcibly removed from the match as the bleeding Donzig struggled to get to his feet.
Kasper wasted no time, running in and nearly spearing Donzig out of his boots. The crimson masked Donzig was still trying to stand and fight back, but it was no use. Kasper picked him up and tossed him out of the ring. With four eliminations, Donzig had seemingly clinched the golden version of Maui’s Fish Hook, but Spike had cost him the match.
It was now a waiting game as Kasper was in no hurry to engage Florida Man, who had already been caught playing possum earlier. She waited in the corner for an eternity, but the gator never moved. Van Zant took off one of her boots and tossed it on FML, seeing if she could lure him into attacking. The footwear just bounced off the downed wrestler.
Kasper is then ambushed from behind! It was the Zamboni Bandit who was never eliminated! ZB was fighting with more fire and strength than ever shown before, clearing mourning his vehicle of choice. Kasper attempted to power bomb him over the top rope, but Bandit had her head wrapped up in a guillotine choke. He was trying to cut off the flow of air and use gravity to pull her over instead.
The two wrestlers teetered over the top rope towards the water as Florida Man leaped to his feet. The luchador gator ran across the ring, lifting Van Zant’s leg to send both of the competitors into the lagoon. The bell rung and the crowd let out a surprised pop as FML had tricked them all.
Tinto presented the golden version of Maui’s Fish Hook to Sinclair since Donzig was still receiving medical attention. Tinto was then supposed to give FML the Rapunzel’s Tower golden statue, but tried to explain it would be safest to keep it in his bedroom. Florida Man was too excited to even listen, listing both the trophy and boy at once.
Whew, I need a stiff drink and a “Best of Steve Awesome” DVD. -5 Stars
DO NOT ALLOW ENTRY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE
EXPERT PHOTOSHOP BY MARTY
Tibet-Butler Nature reserve, just North of Disney World.
Dark mists swirl as Poena strides into view, surrounded by the most loyal members of his congregation. The Child leads, marking every step out carefully for the Dark Messiah to land his unearthly footfalls into. As the cluster of the convicted paces forwards, a low, mocking call slowly escapes Poena’s lips.
Poena: Naaaaaaaaaaaaaataaaaaaaaaaaaaashaaaaaaaaaaa…
The rising and falling in tone is almost songlike yet also deeply unsettling. An enormous, near formless shape forms out of the shadows of a copse of trees causing Poena’s eyes to flash with malice for a brief second. The child turns and glances up at their prophet who forms a smile, jackal like in its insincerity. Again the call is made.
Poena: Naaaaaaaaaaaaaataaaaaaaaaaaaaashaaaaaaaaaaa…
The shape in the forest turns. A giant of a man, seven foot and maybe an inch taller takes a glacially slow deliberate set of giant strides towards Poena and his group. Robes flutter in the night air as the sound of immense weight carelessly trampling on loose branches sounds like the breaking of a thousand bones as it resonates through the trees.
Poena: A second? Is the Goddess of Death… scared?
Poena smiles broadly as the ogrish figure comes close. He draws himself up to his full height, towering over Poena and extends an absurdly oversized hand, presenting a piece of parchment and a small bottle of a mysterious dark brown liquid. Though the hood of his robe casts a shadow over the eyes and brow, the unmistakable chin, huge, square as if it had been roughly hewn from a block of granite reveal exactly who is underneath.
Sean Murphy: A missive. And an offering.
A voice so deep it could fissure a mountain yet soft as to not disturb a sleeping child. Poena cocks his head to the side quizzically, accepts the gift and unfurls the note, reading it aloud in a portentious tone.
“Poena,
I do not lower myself to fighting mere prophets.”
Poena scowls at this
“But I am fully aware of who I would find interesting to fight. And so I offer you this gift. If you refuse it, I will judge you as insignificant and will offer you no satisfaction in battle. You have the choice. He leaves without an offering or He comes out to PLAY!
Sláinte,
Natasha”
The scowl on Poena’s face contorts into a crooked smile, then a grin, then a full on maniacal laugh.
Poena: PLAY? Oh you want to play, Goddess of Death?
In a single gulp, Poena necks the entire bottle of liquid. He coughs, unused as he is to its unique harshness. He convulses, standing, jerking in a manner most unnatural. Poena closes his eyes for a second and then reopens them to reveal a solid cobalt blue colour where whites and pupils once danced.
Poena: THEN LET US PLAY!
A flash of wrought iron through the air cuts a deep rend, as if splitting reality itself open as easily as you would cut an opening in a taut piece of cloth. Natasha throws her sword directly at her husband as she steps out, a thick deep grey mist leaking forth into the woods from the tear. Sean catches the sword without even looking, as if having a claideb thrown at him was a regular occorunce.
Natasha: Sean, go check on Damien. God of Pain? Come.
Seething a little, Poena ushers his followers out of His way and He and Natasha disappear through the rend in the veil.
The screaming. The endless screaming starts the second Natasha and Poena walk through the improvised gate Natasha put up. Poena quickly orients himself as Natasha moves her arm dismissively towards the wound in reality and a small murder of crows suture the fissure between realms with some skilled beakmanship. There is no colour in this place, only the long shadows of gnarled, rotting trees, black ichor oozing from their dead branches.
A rotting wrestling ring, off balanced as the beams beneath it creak like an overused and ancient bed stands in a clearing. Natasha sashays toward it and steps carefully up the ragged steps and through the fraying ropes. Poena follows the Goddess inside the ring and the pair lock up. The Sanctified One takes a top wrist lock and levers Natasha down to the mat, twisting away at his silver haired opponent.
Poena: SUFFER!
Natasha: Not in this realm.
The screaming and keening seems to get louder as Poena works over Natasha’s wrist. He slowly separates the fingers out, grasping hold of pairs of fingers now in either hand. The Thegn of Torture orders the howling masses to be silent which they most certainly do not before jerking the fingers suddenly apart…
AND THERE IS NO SNAP.
Poena looks annoyed by this as Natasha’s fingers twist like sprouting branches back into a more finger like shape.
Natasha: You want pain? You want suffering? You want agony?
Almost mist like, Natasha floats around behind Poena and holds his shoulders.
Natasha: Lissssssssssssssssssten.
A snake like rasp. The screaming, the howling, it all builds to a near deafening cacophony.
Natasha: Hear that wall of sound? My ben síde. Those who passed while mourning. Tell me, God of Pain. Is there any greater pain than the loss of a true love? Is there any physical pain, physical torture that bores a hole in your very existence more than having your greatest ally, your firmest friend, your carer, your lover, your sworn betrothed for all time ripped through the veil? And to pass one’s self while twisted by this agony? Drink, God of Pain. For your cup here runneth over.
Poena: I came to fight, Natasha. Do not lecture me on my nature.
Natasha: A warrior such as yourself demands an arena. Follow.
Stepping through a shape that would give Euclid a brain aneurysm, Natasha and Poena step into an arena. The cool blue lighting contrasts reflects of harsh steel of Poena’s pauldrons and greaves, Natasha’s long black hair flows over her leather amour as she unsheathes her claideb, her Celtic short sword. The scraping of steel on the ground lessens as The Sanctified One draws his Urumi, his four bladed whip sword. Poena draws a huge figure eight with the sword in front of him, slicing the air in every direction. The Goddess of War backs off, not straying into the hail of steel that faces her in the centre of the ring.
Poena: Better.
Wheeling round, attemping to catch an angle where she can strike Natasha is in full evasion mode. The cloud of death gets close enough to strike the leather and it slices into the tanned hide. Knowing that mobility is her only advantage, not a usual thing for her, Natasha uses the relative lack of mass in her suit of armour to circle until she gets an attack from 3/4rs behind, diving in and attempting to a strike at a gap in the plate but Poena blocks the haphazard blow with the side of his gauntlet. Poena’s helm rises and falls as he chuckles from beneath it.
Another slow, methodical step forward with the haze of blades makes Natasha hop backwards a few steps in some level of urgency and the Goddess of War has to totally change tack. She uses the full force she can manage and hurls her sword into the writhing mass of steel and Poena is forced to drop the Kerala whip-sword as it becomes entirely tangled around the Celtic weapon.
With a firm stomp that rattles the ring, Poena storms into Natasha’s range. The Gothic Goddess fires off two, three quick punches that rattle Poena’s helm and jerk his head backwards but with an almighty swing of his gauntleted arm, The Sanctified One connects with a back hand strike that sends Natasha spilling down to the floor. Poena follows up by merely falling forward, attempting to crash his helmeted head into Natasha’s shoulder but the Goddess rolls out of the way to avoid getting crushed.
Natasha throws her arms up and around Poena’s head, pulling at the helm after easily unstrapping it from his chin. Rolling at mat level she attempts to apply pressure to his mail standard, pressing into his Adam’s apple but Poena uses the sharp edge at the base of his gauntlet to drive into the weak spot in Natasha’s shirt causing her to be forced into rolling away again. Both combatants roll away and stand.
Natasha: We could fight here forever.
Poena: I would win, eventually.
Natasha: You would not. For neither of us would win. Let us depart for somewhere to end this.
The ring remains steady while everything else falls. Pieces of the set, weaponry, armour, years from Natasha’s face. Just a wrestling ring, bathed in a soothing pinkish red light from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Poena stands in a most noble version of his wrestling gear, true gold piping glittering a crystalline yellowy-rose colour against the lights. Natasha in a white dress, cut for maximum flexibility of movement and bearing a hairband of roses, thorns and all.
Poena is the first to move, snaking his way towards the center of the ring as Natasha keeps herself facing the correct direction, almost carefree in attitude and actually, genuinely smiling. The Sanctified One closes the distance and lashes Natasha across the chest with a fierce chop. The low cut of the dress provides plenty of skin on her upper chest to use as a target and with the Goddess of Love offering little resistance, Poena goes for a second chop that echoes all around the local area, disturbing a flight of birds somewhere in the distance. Almost giddily, Natasha speaks…
Natasha: Again!
Another chop is fired in, fiercer still. It’s hard to tell in the lighting, but Natasha’s chest is already a darker shade than her usual porcelain white tone. Poena ducks a wildly thrown slap in return and using his lower vertical base, powers Natasha forwards and into a corner. Kobashi like machine gun chops follow, then three massive arcing right hands, knuckles driving straight into Natasha’s brow. A trickle of blood starts from above Natasha’s eye and Poena’s eyes light up instantly.
After a swift kick to the midsection, Poena grabs a front facelock and throws Natasha’s arm over his back. With an ease he lifts Natasha up as if about to suplex the Goddess of Love but reverses the momentum mid move and just dumps Nats face and chest first on the canvas. A small pool of blood begins to form beneath Natasha’s face as Poena walks around and hooks up the Bloody Child’s legs into an Inverted Indian Deathlock. Poena takes a step forwards as he lets the leg lock loose and stomps HARD into the back of Natasha’s head, driving her face into the blood on the mat.
Natasha rolls over and lets the blood from her further opened wound flow down her face. She grins as Poena mounts and traps an arm firing in elbow after elbow after elbow, right into the cut. Natasha’s dress is now stained with her own blood (or was it already?) and Poena slides the back of his hand across her forehead, licking the crimson fluid from it, in what wouldearn him a “YOU SICK FUCK!” chant if there were a wrestling crowd in this Elsewhere.
Poena flips Natasha onto her stomach and transitions smoothly to a leg lace around Natasha’s arm before locking his arms around the bridge of the Goddess’ nose. He cranks back hard on her head, the blood flowing over his forearm and down onto the dress. Almost… too much blood?
Poena: REPENT!
Natasha does not respond. Her mouth isn’t obscured, she just doesn’t feel like saying anything.
Poena: CONFESS!
Natasha replies in a voice which is partially fading away, partially utterly, totally unhinged.
Natasha: I cOnFEss thAt ThiS IS fuN!
…and then the whole world turns to mist, Natasha first. Poena blinks, the cobalt colour is gone from his eyes and his followers come to surround him in the Nature reserve.
Dark mists swirl as Poena strides into view, surrounded by the most loyal members of his congregation. The Child leads, marking every step out carefully for the Dark Messiah to land his unearthly footfalls into. As the cluster of the convicted paces forwards, a low, mocking call slowly escapes Poena’s lips.
Poena: Naaaaaaaaaaaaaataaaaaaaaaaaaaashaaaaaaaaaaa…
The rising and falling in tone is almost songlike yet also deeply unsettling. An enormous, near formless shape forms out of the shadows of a copse of trees causing Poena’s eyes to flash with malice for a brief second. The child turns and glances up at their prophet who forms a smile, jackal like in its insincerity. Again the call is made.
Poena: Naaaaaaaaaaaaaataaaaaaaaaaaaaashaaaaaaaaaaa…
The shape in the forest turns. A giant of a man, seven foot and maybe an inch taller takes a glacially slow deliberate set of giant strides towards Poena and his group. Robes flutter in the night air as the sound of immense weight carelessly trampling on loose branches sounds like the breaking of a thousand bones as it resonates through the trees.
Poena: A second? Is the Goddess of Death… scared?
Poena smiles broadly as the ogrish figure comes close. He draws himself up to his full height, towering over Poena and extends an absurdly oversized hand, presenting a piece of parchment and a small bottle of a mysterious dark brown liquid. Though the hood of his robe casts a shadow over the eyes and brow, the unmistakable chin, huge, square as if it had been roughly hewn from a block of granite reveal exactly who is underneath.
Sean Murphy: A missive. And an offering.
A voice so deep it could fissure a mountain yet soft as to not disturb a sleeping child. Poena cocks his head to the side quizzically, accepts the gift and unfurls the note, reading it aloud in a portentious tone.
“Poena,
I do not lower myself to fighting mere prophets.”
Poena scowls at this
“But I am fully aware of who I would find interesting to fight. And so I offer you this gift. If you refuse it, I will judge you as insignificant and will offer you no satisfaction in battle. You have the choice. He leaves without an offering or He comes out to PLAY!
Sláinte,
Natasha”
The scowl on Poena’s face contorts into a crooked smile, then a grin, then a full on maniacal laugh.
Poena: PLAY? Oh you want to play, Goddess of Death?
In a single gulp, Poena necks the entire bottle of liquid. He coughs, unused as he is to its unique harshness. He convulses, standing, jerking in a manner most unnatural. Poena closes his eyes for a second and then reopens them to reveal a solid cobalt blue colour where whites and pupils once danced.
Poena: THEN LET US PLAY!
A flash of wrought iron through the air cuts a deep rend, as if splitting reality itself open as easily as you would cut an opening in a taut piece of cloth. Natasha throws her sword directly at her husband as she steps out, a thick deep grey mist leaking forth into the woods from the tear. Sean catches the sword without even looking, as if having a claideb thrown at him was a regular occorunce.
Natasha: Sean, go check on Damien. God of Pain? Come.
Seething a little, Poena ushers his followers out of His way and He and Natasha disappear through the rend in the veil.
The screaming. The endless screaming starts the second Natasha and Poena walk through the improvised gate Natasha put up. Poena quickly orients himself as Natasha moves her arm dismissively towards the wound in reality and a small murder of crows suture the fissure between realms with some skilled beakmanship. There is no colour in this place, only the long shadows of gnarled, rotting trees, black ichor oozing from their dead branches.
A rotting wrestling ring, off balanced as the beams beneath it creak like an overused and ancient bed stands in a clearing. Natasha sashays toward it and steps carefully up the ragged steps and through the fraying ropes. Poena follows the Goddess inside the ring and the pair lock up. The Sanctified One takes a top wrist lock and levers Natasha down to the mat, twisting away at his silver haired opponent.
Poena: SUFFER!
Natasha: Not in this realm.
The screaming and keening seems to get louder as Poena works over Natasha’s wrist. He slowly separates the fingers out, grasping hold of pairs of fingers now in either hand. The Thegn of Torture orders the howling masses to be silent which they most certainly do not before jerking the fingers suddenly apart…
AND THERE IS NO SNAP.
Poena looks annoyed by this as Natasha’s fingers twist like sprouting branches back into a more finger like shape.
Natasha: You want pain? You want suffering? You want agony?
Almost mist like, Natasha floats around behind Poena and holds his shoulders.
Natasha: Lissssssssssssssssssten.
A snake like rasp. The screaming, the howling, it all builds to a near deafening cacophony.
Natasha: Hear that wall of sound? My ben síde. Those who passed while mourning. Tell me, God of Pain. Is there any greater pain than the loss of a true love? Is there any physical pain, physical torture that bores a hole in your very existence more than having your greatest ally, your firmest friend, your carer, your lover, your sworn betrothed for all time ripped through the veil? And to pass one’s self while twisted by this agony? Drink, God of Pain. For your cup here runneth over.
Poena: I came to fight, Natasha. Do not lecture me on my nature.
Natasha: A warrior such as yourself demands an arena. Follow.
Stepping through a shape that would give Euclid a brain aneurysm, Natasha and Poena step into an arena. The cool blue lighting contrasts reflects of harsh steel of Poena’s pauldrons and greaves, Natasha’s long black hair flows over her leather amour as she unsheathes her claideb, her Celtic short sword. The scraping of steel on the ground lessens as The Sanctified One draws his Urumi, his four bladed whip sword. Poena draws a huge figure eight with the sword in front of him, slicing the air in every direction. The Goddess of War backs off, not straying into the hail of steel that faces her in the centre of the ring.
Poena: Better.
Wheeling round, attemping to catch an angle where she can strike Natasha is in full evasion mode. The cloud of death gets close enough to strike the leather and it slices into the tanned hide. Knowing that mobility is her only advantage, not a usual thing for her, Natasha uses the relative lack of mass in her suit of armour to circle until she gets an attack from 3/4rs behind, diving in and attempting to a strike at a gap in the plate but Poena blocks the haphazard blow with the side of his gauntlet. Poena’s helm rises and falls as he chuckles from beneath it.
Another slow, methodical step forward with the haze of blades makes Natasha hop backwards a few steps in some level of urgency and the Goddess of War has to totally change tack. She uses the full force she can manage and hurls her sword into the writhing mass of steel and Poena is forced to drop the Kerala whip-sword as it becomes entirely tangled around the Celtic weapon.
With a firm stomp that rattles the ring, Poena storms into Natasha’s range. The Gothic Goddess fires off two, three quick punches that rattle Poena’s helm and jerk his head backwards but with an almighty swing of his gauntleted arm, The Sanctified One connects with a back hand strike that sends Natasha spilling down to the floor. Poena follows up by merely falling forward, attempting to crash his helmeted head into Natasha’s shoulder but the Goddess rolls out of the way to avoid getting crushed.
Natasha throws her arms up and around Poena’s head, pulling at the helm after easily unstrapping it from his chin. Rolling at mat level she attempts to apply pressure to his mail standard, pressing into his Adam’s apple but Poena uses the sharp edge at the base of his gauntlet to drive into the weak spot in Natasha’s shirt causing her to be forced into rolling away again. Both combatants roll away and stand.
Natasha: We could fight here forever.
Poena: I would win, eventually.
Natasha: You would not. For neither of us would win. Let us depart for somewhere to end this.
The ring remains steady while everything else falls. Pieces of the set, weaponry, armour, years from Natasha’s face. Just a wrestling ring, bathed in a soothing pinkish red light from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Poena stands in a most noble version of his wrestling gear, true gold piping glittering a crystalline yellowy-rose colour against the lights. Natasha in a white dress, cut for maximum flexibility of movement and bearing a hairband of roses, thorns and all.
Poena is the first to move, snaking his way towards the center of the ring as Natasha keeps herself facing the correct direction, almost carefree in attitude and actually, genuinely smiling. The Sanctified One closes the distance and lashes Natasha across the chest with a fierce chop. The low cut of the dress provides plenty of skin on her upper chest to use as a target and with the Goddess of Love offering little resistance, Poena goes for a second chop that echoes all around the local area, disturbing a flight of birds somewhere in the distance. Almost giddily, Natasha speaks…
Natasha: Again!
Another chop is fired in, fiercer still. It’s hard to tell in the lighting, but Natasha’s chest is already a darker shade than her usual porcelain white tone. Poena ducks a wildly thrown slap in return and using his lower vertical base, powers Natasha forwards and into a corner. Kobashi like machine gun chops follow, then three massive arcing right hands, knuckles driving straight into Natasha’s brow. A trickle of blood starts from above Natasha’s eye and Poena’s eyes light up instantly.
After a swift kick to the midsection, Poena grabs a front facelock and throws Natasha’s arm over his back. With an ease he lifts Natasha up as if about to suplex the Goddess of Love but reverses the momentum mid move and just dumps Nats face and chest first on the canvas. A small pool of blood begins to form beneath Natasha’s face as Poena walks around and hooks up the Bloody Child’s legs into an Inverted Indian Deathlock. Poena takes a step forwards as he lets the leg lock loose and stomps HARD into the back of Natasha’s head, driving her face into the blood on the mat.
Natasha rolls over and lets the blood from her further opened wound flow down her face. She grins as Poena mounts and traps an arm firing in elbow after elbow after elbow, right into the cut. Natasha’s dress is now stained with her own blood (or was it already?) and Poena slides the back of his hand across her forehead, licking the crimson fluid from it, in what wouldearn him a “YOU SICK FUCK!” chant if there were a wrestling crowd in this Elsewhere.
Poena flips Natasha onto her stomach and transitions smoothly to a leg lace around Natasha’s arm before locking his arms around the bridge of the Goddess’ nose. He cranks back hard on her head, the blood flowing over his forearm and down onto the dress. Almost… too much blood?
Poena: REPENT!
Natasha does not respond. Her mouth isn’t obscured, she just doesn’t feel like saying anything.
Poena: CONFESS!
Natasha replies in a voice which is partially fading away, partially utterly, totally unhinged.
Natasha: I cOnFEss thAt ThiS IS fuN!
…and then the whole world turns to mist, Natasha first. Poena blinks, the cobalt colour is gone from his eyes and his followers come to surround him in the Nature reserve.
We cut to a wrestling ring and crowd in front of the replica of Grauman's Chinese Theatre.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Welcome back, folks! We’ve moved the action over to Disney’s Hollywood Studios. Before you get your hopes up, let me just say Phil will be back. He’s drying off after that incredible aquatic performance earlier. We now go to Olivia and Marty with a special segment!
Various Disney princes and princesses romantically dance around the ringside area. Costumed characters such as the hyenas from The Lion King and Sweetums from The Muppets run around with paper lanterns. Standing in the center of the ring is Olivia, smiling from ear to ear and shaking with excitement. Marty is there too. They are dressed as Flynn Rider and Rapunzel from Tangled
Ollie Oldham: Now it's time for the part of the show you've all been looking forward to, the kiss cam!
“I See The Light” from Tangled begins to play as the camera cuts to various couples in the audience who then kiss. The shot changes Primal in the front row, who gives a loving smooch to Buttons.
Ollie Oldham: All the doggo kisses!
It then cuts to Tinto wearing his “Mr. Rip N’ Terror” fiend costume. He is seated between Elsa and Anna who both lean down and kiss him on the cheek. The fake orphan squirms and tries to be intimidating, wanting nothing to do with this segment.
Ollie Oldham: That mask can’t hide a cutie!
Finally, the camera focuses on a beautiful redhead in the front row. She holds up a sign that reads “THAT’S MY BROTHER” and everyone laughs.
Ollie Oldham: Never mind!
In the background, Phil Blauer can be seen desperately running down the aisle to get in frame with the woman. He trips over someone’s bag and goes face first into a tray of beers.
Ollie Oldham: Really, Phil?
The camera cuts back to Ollie and Marty in the ring. The blonde fakes surprise.
Ollie Oldham: Look! Martini! We’re on the kiss cam!
Marty Donovan: What are the odds?
Marty leans in towards Ollie, but he is then dropped by a superkick. Olivia screams as the three costumed hyenas pounce on Marty like the pack animals they are, putting the boots to Donovan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What!?!?
The hyena that kicked him stalks Rapunzel and takes off his mask to reveal their true identity.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It is that no good snake, Steve Awesome!
Steve Awesome notices he is on the big screen and has an evil grin. Meanwhile the other two hyenas have revealed themselves as Alexander Von Blankenship and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane. Awesome pops a breath mint and corners Olivia as the audience reigns down boos.
Kalmin Watts jumps out of the front row and slides into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts! Watts isn’t going to let Steve get away with that! He sends Awesome flying with a huge belly to back suplex.
The crowd comes alive as Marty starts to scrap with AVB and Watts exchanges blows with Crane. Steve tries to rejoin the scuffle, but somebody on the outside is holding his leg. It is Sweetums from The Muppets!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Muppet Interference!
Steve slides out of the and shoves the big furry monster, daring them to start something. Sweetums shoves back! Steve goes for the superkick, but it is caught and spun around. Sweetums lands a cutter and then takes off his mask for the biggest pop of the night
Yet!
Guillermo O’Bannon: KILROY EVANS!
Kilroy. Watts, and Marty begin an all out brawl with The Anointed. Hasbulla runs down the ramp dressed as baby Simba and swinging two nunchakus.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s the dastardly Hasbulla! He’s wielding his famous, deadly nunchakus!
“Dragula” by Rob Zombie plays and Mr. Rip N’ Terror speeds down the ramp in his dark light powerwheel. Hasbulla runs for his life.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mr. Rip N’ Terror is here to even the odds!
AVB screams in horror as the power wheel collides with its target and Hasbullas flies through the air. The Anointed head for the hills.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They’re running like scaled Hyenas!
Kilroy, Kalmin, and Rip dare the fleeing villains to try that again as the bloodied Marty approaches the crying Olivia. He surprises her with a smooch and the crowd cheers. Unsure of what to do, the truck decides to play “Dragula” again as the shot fades out on them kissing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Welcome back, folks! We’ve moved the action over to Disney’s Hollywood Studios. Before you get your hopes up, let me just say Phil will be back. He’s drying off after that incredible aquatic performance earlier. We now go to Olivia and Marty with a special segment!
Various Disney princes and princesses romantically dance around the ringside area. Costumed characters such as the hyenas from The Lion King and Sweetums from The Muppets run around with paper lanterns. Standing in the center of the ring is Olivia, smiling from ear to ear and shaking with excitement. Marty is there too. They are dressed as Flynn Rider and Rapunzel from Tangled
Ollie Oldham: Now it's time for the part of the show you've all been looking forward to, the kiss cam!
“I See The Light” from Tangled begins to play as the camera cuts to various couples in the audience who then kiss. The shot changes Primal in the front row, who gives a loving smooch to Buttons.
Ollie Oldham: All the doggo kisses!
It then cuts to Tinto wearing his “Mr. Rip N’ Terror” fiend costume. He is seated between Elsa and Anna who both lean down and kiss him on the cheek. The fake orphan squirms and tries to be intimidating, wanting nothing to do with this segment.
Ollie Oldham: That mask can’t hide a cutie!
Finally, the camera focuses on a beautiful redhead in the front row. She holds up a sign that reads “THAT’S MY BROTHER” and everyone laughs.
Ollie Oldham: Never mind!
In the background, Phil Blauer can be seen desperately running down the aisle to get in frame with the woman. He trips over someone’s bag and goes face first into a tray of beers.
Ollie Oldham: Really, Phil?
The camera cuts back to Ollie and Marty in the ring. The blonde fakes surprise.
Ollie Oldham: Look! Martini! We’re on the kiss cam!
Marty Donovan: What are the odds?
Marty leans in towards Ollie, but he is then dropped by a superkick. Olivia screams as the three costumed hyenas pounce on Marty like the pack animals they are, putting the boots to Donovan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What!?!?
The hyena that kicked him stalks Rapunzel and takes off his mask to reveal their true identity.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It is that no good snake, Steve Awesome!
Steve Awesome notices he is on the big screen and has an evil grin. Meanwhile the other two hyenas have revealed themselves as Alexander Von Blankenship and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane. Awesome pops a breath mint and corners Olivia as the audience reigns down boos.
Kalmin Watts jumps out of the front row and slides into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts! Watts isn’t going to let Steve get away with that! He sends Awesome flying with a huge belly to back suplex.
The crowd comes alive as Marty starts to scrap with AVB and Watts exchanges blows with Crane. Steve tries to rejoin the scuffle, but somebody on the outside is holding his leg. It is Sweetums from The Muppets!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Muppet Interference!
Steve slides out of the and shoves the big furry monster, daring them to start something. Sweetums shoves back! Steve goes for the superkick, but it is caught and spun around. Sweetums lands a cutter and then takes off his mask for the biggest pop of the night
Yet!
Guillermo O’Bannon: KILROY EVANS!
Kilroy. Watts, and Marty begin an all out brawl with The Anointed. Hasbulla runs down the ramp dressed as baby Simba and swinging two nunchakus.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s the dastardly Hasbulla! He’s wielding his famous, deadly nunchakus!
“Dragula” by Rob Zombie plays and Mr. Rip N’ Terror speeds down the ramp in his dark light powerwheel. Hasbulla runs for his life.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mr. Rip N’ Terror is here to even the odds!
AVB screams in horror as the power wheel collides with its target and Hasbullas flies through the air. The Anointed head for the hills.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They’re running like scaled Hyenas!
Kilroy, Kalmin, and Rip dare the fleeing villains to try that again as the bloodied Marty approaches the crying Olivia. He surprises her with a smooch and the crowd cheers. Unsure of what to do, the truck decides to play “Dragula” again as the shot fades out on them kissing.
The shot cuts back to ringside where Captain Hook holds a sign that reads "IF PETER WINS WE RIOT!".
Guillermo O’Bannon: And now we’ve come to our contractual obligation match.
Ollie Oldham: Well, it was more that Mongo offered Marty a lot of money, which he will of course be donating to our new charity.
Guillermo O’Bannon:…Of course.
Olivia and Guillermo look at Phillip in disgust as we cut to the ring.
Greg Jin: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following is a singles match with a 60 minute time limit, and is for the XHF X*Crown championship! Introducing first, the challenger…
"The Planets Op. 32: IV. Jupiter- Bringer of Jollity" by Gustav Holst begins to play on the speakers. Mistress Discipline steps onto the stage and adjusts the high collar and neckline of her blouse, which is white rather than blue for once. The blue is now on the apron style dress she wears over it, giving her a look familiar to Disney fans.
Ollie Oldham: MD coming out as Belle from Beauty and the Beast! A fine choice for someone so well read.
Oh dear indeed, for Dr Chaos is dressed as Mrs Potts, ergo a teapot.
Greg Jin: hailing from Raleigh, North Carolina and weighing in at 200 pounds, MISTRESS DISCIPLINE!!!
Mistress marches to the ring with a purpose. Cheered on by the fans, she rolls into the ring and adjusts her trademark hair buns, then steps into the corner and begins stretching her arms while awaiting her opponent.
Greg Jin: And her opponent… some guy.
Greg shrugs and leaves the ring as the fans laugh.
Phillip Blauer: Oh very professional, Greg!
The audience’s laughter turns to boos and jeers as a group of six black clad and masked security guards appear and flank the entrance. Instead of the expected Hellraiser soundbite and ‘Vore’ by Sleep Token however, an eerie whistling begins to play and a hooded figure walks out between them, covered in a black hooded cloak and holding a sickle in each hand.
Phillip Blauer: Well speaking of reaping…
Reaching behind his back, the figure retrieves a sack dripping with a red liquid and tosses it down the rampway, whereupon it spills out its contents: a bloodied Mickey Mouse head. Smirking as the crowd rain boos down upon him, Bloodied Fox throws back his hood and walks to the ring, escorted by the security guards. He calmly slams both sickles into the Mickey head, then tosses his cloak on top of it, revealing his ring gear and his X*Crown belt around his waist. The guards remain at ringside as he rolls into the ring, unhurriedly removing the belt and handing it the referee.
Guillermo O’Bannon:I suppose it is fitting for beauty to face a beast.
Phillip Blauer: Are you two even going to try and be unbiased here?
Guillermo O’Bannon:No.
Ollie Oldham: No.
The bell rings and the two competitors go straight at each other, unloading with strikes. Mistress Disicipline, clearly driven by anger at what was done to her husband when he and Fox met in GUNS, rifles in hard slaps to the face and chest. The more experienced striker, however, Fox weathers the storm and begins to overwhelm, forearms and low kicks increasingly hitting home with no answer. Step by step, MD is being driven back towards the ropes, until Fox fires in a sidekick towards the ribs only for it to be caught and held. Wasting no time, Mistress hits a wince-inducingly hard slap to the jaw, knocking Fox off balance and allowing her to take him down and lock on a grapevine ankle lock.
Guillermo O’Bannon:The Procedure! A move she adopted from former X*Crown champion Antony Caffrey!
Desperately trying to escape, Fox claws at the mat, managing to squirm and pivot enough to grab onto the bottom rope. The ref administers the count…
1…
2…
3…
4…
Mistress Discipline reluctantly let’s go, rolling to the side to create some separation. Fox regains his footing, shaking his leg gingerly before turning around right into The Final Bell! MD goes straight to the cover…
1!!!
2!!!
Kick out!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon:Mistress Discipline off to a strong start here!
Not wanting to waste time, Mistress pulls Fox up with her and back him to the ropes, sending him off with an irish whip. She bends down for a back body drop, but Fox leapfrogs her! MD turns, hoping to catch him on the rebound, only to be met with a hurricanrana! The momentum carries her back up to her feet, only for Fox to leap and hit a poisonrana! Again momentum results in MD standing dazed, meaning she is unable to duck or dodge as Fox pivots and hits the MDK! Mistress goes down hard and Fox dive into a tight cover…
1!!!
2!!!
Kick out!!!
Fox glowers angrily at the ref, who holds up two fingers to confirm the count. Snarling, he pulls MD up with him in a suplex position, then rolling back with her and bringing her up then down with the rolling small package driver he calls Descension. Having travelled across the ring, they land by the ropes, and as Fox reaches to make a cover, MD rolls out of the ring to the outside.
Ollie Oldham: A smart move; buys her some time to recover.
Chaos fusses over Mistress as best she can in a teapot costume. Fox, meanwhile, angered at losing his prey, rolls out after her. Chaos glowers at him but since she doesn’t have her trusty tranquiliser rifle to hand she’s powerless as she’s shoved aside.
Ollie Oldham: Hey! Hands off the fine china, you thug!
Fox turns and looks at Ollie with a sinister smile.
Bloodied Fox: Oh hello, they really will let anyone on commentary these days, even a vacuous cu…
Ollie is up and absolutely blasts Fox with a slap! Dazed, he looks at her in fury, but in his anger he doesn’t realise that MD is back up; only discovering that fact for himself when he’s blindsided with another Final Bell!!! Spun from the impact, Fox’s back is presented, allowing Mistress to lock on her choke sleeper, Dunce Cap! As the crowd cheers, Fox fades, sinking first to his knees, before simply collapsing forward.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fox is out cold!
Ollie Oldham: Yes!!!
Indeed, the ref is standing by the ropes pointing out the same thing. Sighing, MD and Dr Chaos lift the dead weight of the X*Crown champion and roll him into the ring. Mistress follows and hooks the leg on the cover…
1!!!
2!!!
3!!! NO!!! FOX’S FOOT IS ON THE BOTTOM ROPE!!!
Phillip Blauer: What ring awareness!!! What testicular fortitude!!!
Mistress Discipline looks at the ref in disbelief, who can only shrug in response as the audience boos. Shaking her head, she focuses on the task at hand, and decides to continue on the oxygen deprivation theme, locking on her gogoplata, Naughty Child. Unfortunately for her, the near escape from defeat seems to have kickstarted Fox’s second wind, as he slowly pulls himself to his feet while carrying her weight, hefting her up further then slamming her down with a powerbomb to break the hold! Gasping for air, he staggers back to create space, waiting for MD to get back to a vertical base before charging in and leaping, connecting with Bloody Rain! Mistress doesn’t get the chance to drop from the superman palm strike, as Fox hooks the full nelson and hits a Fox Trap Suplex! Bridging for the cover…
1!!!
2!!!
KICK OUT!!!
Fox doesn’t try to argue the count this time, as the fans cheer and chant for his opponent, instead heading to the ropes and stepping out onto the apron. Grabbing the ropes, he vaults and springboards, launching Air Vulpine… WHICH MISSES!!! Having rolled to the side to avoide the frog splash, Mistress Discipline quickly shifts, locking Fox in The Detention! Trapped in the middle of the ring, Fox tries to claw for the ropes but quickly realises they’re too far away. Instead, he lurches his weight to one side, rolling MD over and pinning her shoulders to the mat…
1!!!
2!!!
MD SLIPS OUT AND pivots to lock on The Suspension!!!
Fox tries the same trick again, but Mistress Discipline won’t fall for the same trick twice, counter shifting her weight to ensure Fox can’t roll her over. However, the rolling from the pin attempt has put them closer to the ropes and with great effort Fox pulls himself forward, managing to grasp the bottom rope.
1…
2…
3…
4…
Not wanting to disqualify her, the referee physically interjects to get Mistress to break the hold. The fans boo, and amidst the distraction almost no-one notices Fox pull a butterfly knife from his kickpad. Almost no-one that is except for Dr Chaos, who sheds her teapot to reveal her regular clothes and a stashed tranquiliser rifle! Determined to protect her friend, Chaos raises her weapon and fires. Unfortunately, as she does so, the ref turns and sees Fox’s blade and reaches out to snatch it from him. Catching the veterinary doctor’s actions in his peripheral, Fox grabs the ref and spins him around to be a human shield! The tranq dart slams into him and since it was dosed for an elite athlete rather than a doughier gentleman he immediately collapses!
Guillermo O’Bannon:Oh no!
Ollie Oldham: Oh no!
Fox casually drops the snoring ref, as Chaos reloads frantically with unladylike language. However, as she raises it to shoot again, one of the security guards snatches it from her! Shoving her down, the guard rips off his mask and unzips his bodysuit to reveal…
Guillermo O’Bannon:King Submaxiswear!
Meanwhile in the ring, Fox advances on MD. Mistress looks at the knife, at Fox, at Submaxiswear, then scowls in the terrifying fashion only a librarian can manage. She kicks the blade from Fox’s hand, then kicks him in the gut and hits The Explusion!
1!!!
2!!!
3!!!
WE HAVE A NEW X*CROWN CHAMPION!!! OR WE WOULD IF THE REFEREE WASN’T CURRENTLY DROOLING ON THE CANVAS!!!
The fans somewhat unfairly boo this enforced failure of officiating, as a frustrated Mistress Discipline stands up. After giving Fox a couple of boots to the ribs, she turns to see Submaxiswear pointing the rifle at her. Before she can dodge, he fires, but his aim is completely thrown off the moment before squeezing the trigger as Ollie hits him in the back with her official engraved Tangled frying pan.
Phillip Blauer: Hey! That should be a disqualification!
Guillermo O’Bannon:Phil, that was nearly our second shooting of the match. Let it go.
Throwing the rifle down in disgust, Submaxiswear turns and points a threatening finger at Ollie. Before he can do more than threaten, however, he’s hit with a baseball slide by Mistress Discipline! The crowd stop singing an Oscar winning earworm to cheer that, and then cheer louder as the birthday boy himself Marty Donovan runs down the ramp and starts brawling with the traitorous security guards!
Phillip Blauer: I thought The Anointed had already taken care of him!
MD and Ollie exchange a fist bump, but the celebrations are cut short as Bloodied Fox springboards out of the ring and hurricanranas Mistress on the flimsy ringside mats! Having taken out the security guards, Marty rushes around the ring to confront his nemesis.
Marty Donovan: I should have told Mongo to stuff his money! No amount of cash is worth having you around messing up my birthday show, Cain!
Marty launches himself forward with the Dis-Knee! It connects… but not on Fox! Submaxiswear shoves the champion aside and takes the knee strike instead in a way that would be touching if he wasn’t such an arsehole. As Fox slides into the ring, Marty checks on Ollie before following his quarry. Fox backs away from the House of Mouse’s favourite grappler until he’s at the ropes on the other side. Then he stops and grins. Marty blinks, then curses as he hears the fans cry out and the sound of tearing canvas. He turns around and confirms his fears.
Guillermo O’Bannon:SEIRIOS!!! That masked behemoth is tearing his way out from under the ring!!!
Marty goes to Dis-Knee the giant of the Illuminati, but he’s too late. SEIRIOS catches him around the throat, effortlessly lifting him and turning, chokeslamming him neck first into the turnbuckles! Marty goes down in a heap as the fans gasp and boo. The giant looks at Fox for instruction, who nods to the outside. Getting his meaning, SEIRIOS steps out over the top rope and over to where Mistress Discipline is picking herself up after the rana. As easily as he did Marty, SEIRIOS picks up Mistress, holding her above his head and lawn darting her into the ring. Before she can even regain her footing, Fox is on her, grabbing a waistlock and spiking her with the Leviathan Suplex.
Phillip Blauer: That’s it, it’s over!
Indeed, the ref is still down, as Fox realises when his cover gets nothing but boos. Standing and surveying the situation, he shrugs and then shouts something to SEIRIOS. The masked man reaches under the ring and pulls out two steel chairs that he slides into the ring. Fox sets them up facing each other, then pulls Mistress up…
Guillermo O’Bannon:No!!! This is too far!
The crowd jeers what is clearly about to happen, only to erupt into cheers as another figure rushes from the entrance.
Guillermo O’Bannon:Death Trap!!! Death Trap is here!!!
Indeed, Mistress Discipline’s husband clearly wasn’t going to stand idly by with his wife in danger. He slides into the ring, as Fox registers his presence and drops MD. It does him no good however, as DT fires home a flurry of punches, then grabs Fox and spins, driving him headfirst into the chairs with The Main Attraction!!! Death Trap checks on Mistress, as SEIRIOS comes back into the ring. DT is back standing and he and the giant begin exchanging punches! Meanwhile, Marty has managed to get over to the referee and continues shaking him until the man finally responds. Groggily, the official sees the hole in the canvas, both participants on the canvas, two entirely different people punching each other, and the dart sticking out of his chest. He sighs and motions to the timekeeper, who rings the bell.
Greg Jin: Ladies and Gentlemen, as a result of… well, everything really, the referee has declared this match a no contest.
The audience seem split between booing the lack of a defined finish and cheering that Fox at least didn’t get a win. Upon hearing the announcement, SEIRIOS grabs Death Trap and beale tosses hom away, before picking up the barely conscious Fox and hoisting him over his shoulder. The giant exits up the rampway, joined by a staggering King Submaxiswear. In the ring, Mistress Discipline regains her feet, and immediately has her arms raised by Death Trap and Marty. Dr Chaos enters the ring as well, giving her friends a hug and Marty a handshake. Marty then offers Death Trap a bowler hat with Mickey Mouse ears, leading to a group sitcom laugh.
Kevin Valentine Jr is still outside by the turnstiles.
Kevin Valentine Jr: What a show we’re seeing tonight! But the guests keep on coming, and even going! Leonardo DiCaprio was seen escorting his date out in true Disney fashion saying something about if the clock struck midnight she’d turn into an adult!
We see a suited man walk past as he talks loudly and obnoxiously into his cellphone.
Suited Man: Yeah, tell them we’ll option that. Who doesn’t want to appeal to the mature market and fucking feminism! We’d LOVE to release Angela Carter’s takes on Fairy Tales, could even charge more on Disney Plus for an ‘After Dark’ add-on. Just imagine it, Angela Carter’s BlueBeard leading into Bella Thorne doing whatever it is she does now to make money!!
Kevin spots a familiar lion-headed cane.
Kevin Valentine Junior: CROSS! YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED IN TONIGHT!!
Recoba ignores him and approaches the entrance.
Cross Recoba: Yeah, look, I’m way up on the totem pole at Disney. I could give you my name but why would you know my name? I don’t know your name! I’m here to meet up with Big Bob, I’m a guest of Tinto!
Disney Staff: By who?
Cross Recoba: Tinto. You know, precocious child, obsessed with ultra-violence, permanently annoyed he’s too old to be breastfed by Ollie Oldham yet too young to make a move on her?
Disney Staff: SECURITY!!
Cross Recoba: It’s true!!
Disney Staff: You didn’t use his official title, Doomguy Junior!
The Security Guards once more escort Recoba out of shot.
Guillermo O’Bannon: So Phil ran off after Bloodied Fox's entourage, desperate to be the newest member.
Ollie Oldham: Good riddance! Well fans its more gold coming up next!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s right. When Bogdan Tomas took over CAR’s MOTHER The Car racing team, he rescued a certain XHF orphan from a sweatshop, and made him the MTC mascot. Now Tomas wants to celebrate Tinto’s Birthday by winning him the XHF Phoenix championship!
Ollie Oldham: You know when we were competing in CAR; I didn’t think much of Bogdan, but seeing him go to these lengths for Tinto? What a swell fella!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not sharing your perspective? “Mister GUNS” Redmond Fury – who feels Bogdan trying to win it as a present is diminishing his championship.
Ollie Oldham: That muscle head stole the title from Tinto, and deserves what he gets. Kids – don’t do steroids!
The camera turns to Greg Jin.
Greg Jin: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest has a thirty-minute time limit, is scheduled for one fall, and is for the XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP!
Ollie Oldham: Held by both Marty and Tinto, there is no arguing that it is the most prestigious championship in all of the XHF.
“Mother” by Danzig starts to pump over the PA system.
Greg Jin: Entering first, the challenger – representing the great federation of CAR, he comes to us from Bucharest, Romania via Houston, Texas, stands at 5’6”, and weighs 190lbs, please give a warm Disney welcome to the Team Principle of MOTHER THE CAR... BOGDAN TOMAS!!!
The curtains pull back as Bogdan steps out, decked out in some orange tights that suggest he might have been a wrestler before he was a racecar driver. Tomas is seconded by the monster truck, Gravedigger, with the vehicle appearing to be acting as his manager. The duo makes their way down the aisle in sync with the music, slapping hands as they go.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A very popular CAR racing team – winner of two Sippy Cups – though I understand the demonic mother the team was named for recently made a return, and is causing some problems for the team.
Ollie Oldham: You can tell there is a lot of love in that family. I know all the CAR fans are looking forward to them getting back in the scene.
Getting close to a camera, Bogdan is quick to yell “Happy Birthday Tinto” before making his way into the ring.
Greg Jin: And the champion, representing GUNS, coming to us from Akron, Ohio via Atlanta, Georgia; he stands at 6’3”, weighs 275lbs, please give a warm welcome to...
The Buckeye Bruiser-
REDMOND FUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRY!
Though one of the only legitimate faces on the Network, and quite popular in most places – the decidedly pro-Marty & Tinto crowd begin to throw garbage at the entranceway as “Gut Feeling” by DEVO pumps over the PA system. Pushing through the curtains is the muscular Adonis, who elicits deafening jeers – except for the female contingent that finds him rather easy on the eyes. ...with one exception...
Ollie Oldham: BOOOOOOOO!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Please Ollie, he’s a guest!
The wave of rancid produce continues to follow Mister GUNS until he enters the ring. Slowly taking the Phoenix championship off, Fury stares at his prized possession, before handing it over to referee Sweet Shimmy.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
REDMOND FURY (c) vs. BOGDAN TOMAS
DING! DING! DING!
Trying not to lose himself for the bad blood, Fury offers a handshake. Only Bogdan slaps it away.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Handshake denied! No love loss between these two men. The preamble promotional material got rather heated, with them forming a tag team known as the Gold Diggers, only to immediately having a falling out over which one would be Stan Lane in their questionable endeavour.
Ollie Oldham: Bogdan can do better.
Shaking his head at the insult, Fury charges forward with a closeline – only for Bogdan to matrix under it. The Buckeye Bruiser charges into the ropes, then comes back with another closeline – only for Bogdan to leap frog over it. Fury runs into the ropes again, and comes back a third time – only for Bogdan to hook the wrist! HA! The smile is short lived, as Bogdan tries to go for an armdrag only to realize that Captain America comics have lied to him, and getting a man double your size over isn’t as easy as it seems. Bogdan ducks a roundhouse right, hanging onto the wrist and trying again, and again, and again. Fury pulls him into a short-arm closeline, but Bogdan leaps into it – wrapping his arm around the tree trunk arm for a cross armbreaker! Fury lifts him up in the air, but Bogdan holds on for dear life. Flexing HARD, Fury gets Tomas to loosen his grasp – the inch of baby oil does the rest, causing Bogdan to slide down the gun show into a chokeslam. A second chokeslam causes the former driver to let go of the armbar. Free, and not particularly caring for the audience’s abuse, Fury looks to end things with a-
Guillermo O’Bannon: THE DUST OFF! Did you see Tomas bounce? If he decides to enter a third sport, I think he has a future in SlamBall.
Ollie Oldham: As the ball?
Guillermo O’Bannon: There’s the pin! ONE! TWO!
Suddenly Grave Digger decides to test his hydraulics. The subsequent impact is enough to shake the ring, and cause Tomas’ leg to flop onto the bottom rope.
Guillermo O’Bannon: NO! Bogdan somehow getting his foot on the ropes, despite looking thoroughly unconscious...
While Fury argues outside interference to the referee, Grave Digger uses one of his windshield wipers to throw smelling salts at Tomas. That gets him up. Tomas tries to pull the distracted Fury into a small package, but the bodybuilder is too damn strong. Fury tries to shake Tomas off him with a thrust kick, but the smaller athlete rolls out of the way. A leg lariat is caught, and turned into a half-boston, for all of a second before Fury kicks Tomas off. Bogdan goes for a dropkick, only to bounce off Fury’s chest. Fury tries to drag him up, but Tomas knocks him off with a big boot. Charging into the ropes, Tomas comes off with a shining wizard. That hit the mark! Building confidence, Tomas dives into the ropes, then comes off with a springboard moonsault! Only to get caught in midair...
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is going to hurt-
Fury tosses Bogdan Tomas into the audience like a lawn dart!
Ollie Oldham: Over the top rope? Disqualify him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wrong century, Ollie.
The audience catch Bogdan, and toss him back! Bogdan tries to turn it into flying dropkick, only to once again get caught by Fury – who chucks him back. Bogdan is once again caught. He thanks the audience, until they throw him back at the ring.
Bogdan Tomas: Whose side are you on?
This time Tomas is tossed into a straight right hand that DROPS HIM hard. Fury lifts him up, then hits a BICEP SMASH that sends the racing team principle slumping into the ropes. Calling for the Buckeye Shot ’17, Fury charges back into the ropes – only to get tripped when Grave Digger opens a car door.
Guillermo O’Bannon: COME ON REF! Grave Digger with an obvious trip!
Ollie Oldham: How is he going to trip him? Grave Digger is a truck. It’s clear that Fury just has two left feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Getting upset, Fury reaching through the ropes and has Grave Digger by the windshield wiper!
Ollie Oldham: He wouldn’t dare!
Before Fury can further manhandle the monster truck manager, Tomas comes from behind with a double axe-handle! Catching him, Fury backdrops Bogdan over the top rope – ONTO Grave Digger.
Ollie Oldham: Poor Bogdan sent face first into his manager! What a horrible fall. I don’t know whose more hurt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Definitely Bogdan. Monster trucks are made of tougher stuff-
Using the ropes, Fury slingshots over the top, to land on both Bogdan and Grave Digger-
Guillermo O’Bannon: FLYING CROSSBODY BLOCK! And he just took out both Bogdan and Grave Digger! ...at least he would have if one of them weren’t a monster truck. As it stands the two official competitors looking like bugs on Digger’s window.
Ollie Oldham: Disqualify him ref!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Titles don’t change hands on disqualifications.
Ollie Oldham: Never mind then!
Sweet Shimmy starts to give a ten count, when the door to the monster truck swings open.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is he doing here? The former MOTHER owner, and occasional Bogdan squeeze, JR Lupei getting out of Grave Digger and now on the apron trying to bribe the referee.
Ollie Oldham: I think they make a cute couple.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Referee Sweet Shimmy wanting no part of Lupei’s bribes, but he is effectively distracting her-
Redmond Fury starts to recover on the floor. The door of the monster truck still open, a feral cat suddenly leaps out and attaches itself to Fury’s face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: MIMSY! I thought Junior the car returned her to her proper owners for a reward, but apparently she’s back – or at least another stray, they all kind of look alike, and its clawing Fury’s chiselled profile!
Ollie Oldham: Cats have a great sense of people. IF she doesn’t like Fury, that just shows he’s evil.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury desperately trying to pull her off, but those claws are dug in!
With his opponent distracted, Bogdan Tomas charges in with a knee to the back, which sends Fury into the guardrail. Bogdan then follows this up with a series of rapid-fire knife-edge chops. Fury throws blind punches in response, but with the cat in his face, there is nowhere to tell where the next chop is coming from.
“Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!”
Suddenly multiple time FWA Anarchy champion, Princess Poochipino IV – Industrial Woman’s prized Pomeranian – scurries out from under the ring. The tiny yapping dog has her sights set on Mimsy, who hisses, and climbs further up Fury’s head for protection. Able to breathe again, Fury shoves Bogdan away from him – then reaching up, pries the cat off his head – tossing her away. The animal violence doesn’t go over well with the crowd, who remember the bloodied monster stealing the Phoenix from Tinto for the glory of GUNS.
Ollie Oldham: HOW DARE HE! CAT SLINGER!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury freeing himself of the stray, who is now being chased around the ring in circles by a Pomeranian. Here comes Tomas again, no, Fury catching him and SPINEBUSTER on the concrete floor!
Sweet Shimmy: ONE!
JR Lupei leaving the apron to do something else at ringside, the referee finally gets to start her ten count. Before she can get to two, Fury tosses the crushed Tomas under the bottom rope. Shimmy then gets distracted by the animal race around the ring, which is too cute. Fury starts to follow Bogdan into the ring, when he’s stopped... an eight-foot Jiminy Cricket holding onto his ankle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A giant Jiminy Cricket with a one handed giant swing, throws Fury into the ringsteps!
Ollie Oldham: He’s just letting his conscience be his guide.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jiminy gorilla pressing Fury into the crowd, and unlike Bogdan, these fans aren’t willing to catch the strong man.
Ollie Oldham: He brought it on himself.
Fury wipes out on a few steel chairs, and is now quite bloody. The Jiminy chants are fierce.
Ollie Oldham: What are you waiting for? Count him out, ref!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The title doesn’t change hands on count outs.
Ollie Oldham: Never mind then.
The crowd boo as Fury charges out of the audience, using a chair to leap over the guardrail – and swinging another chair. KATHUNK! The springboard chairshot is strong enough that it knocks Jiminy’s head off. Revealing that Cycloptic menace underneath...
Guillermo O’Bannon: Colossus Rhodes! Don’t worry viewers at home. Jiminy Cricket was NOT decapitated, it was actually just Rhodes dressed as him. We should have been tipped off by his massive stature.
Ollie Oldham: It was still a hate crime.
Fortunately the Jiminy head cushioned the blow, so Rhodes isn’t completely unconscious. A big right hand knocks Fury to the ground. Rolling through, Fury comes back with another BIG chair shot. Rhodes just shakes it off, and catches Fury with a big boot. As strong as Fury is, the Colossus continues to no sell the brutal chair strikes, and come back with overpowering strikes.
Redmond Fury: Hey Grave Digger, why is this guy on my case again?
Grave Digger: A tale as old as time...
Never one to pass up the chance to become a Greek Chorus, the monster truck’s hood starts to flap open and shut like a mouth, as it recounts the ballad of Fury and Rhodes. No sooner has the lid started flapping, than Fury buries the chair into the Colossus’ crotch. Try no selling that. As Colossus Rhodes doubles over, Fury rocks him with a chair assisted BICEP SMASH. THUNK! The impact knocks Rhodes back, where Fury promptly shoves him into Grave Digger’s hood mouth.
Grave Digger: Aaaaaack!
Rhodes and Digger struggle, but as one chokes on the other, they are thoroughly stuck.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hopefully that is the last of the outside interference. Oh look, Poochipino and Mimsy have tired themselves out.
Ollie Oldham: Adorable!
No longer distracted by the cat and dog show, Sweet Shimmy returns to the ten count.
Sweet Shimmy: TWO!
Then the animals catch their second wind, and the referee is distracted again.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury entering the ring – NO! Blindsided by Donald and Goofy.
A pantomime Donald Duck and Goofy knock Fury to the floor, and start putting the boots to him. The crowd delights in these Disney Icons’ footwork.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury in a bad way. It’s amazing the referee hasn’t noticed any of these extra bodies.
Ollie Oldham: What are you talking about? This is the happiest place on earth. Donald and Goofy have every right to be here.
Things look grim – until Fury HULKS up! Donald and Goofy are stunned by a double European uppercut. Popping back up to his feet, Fury slams the duo’s heads together, before knocking off their heads to reveal.
Redmond Fury: Really fellas? Why?
The attackers are his closest friends.
Ohio Native: Man Red, you should be an X*Crown champ by now.
Unboxed Ken: Yeah Red, the phoenix is just holding you back. It’s time to give it to Tinto, and move on with your career.
Redmond Fury: I understand what you’re trying to say guys, really I do...
The Buckeye Bruiser takes the two men down with a double closeline from hell!
Guillermo O’Bannon: FURY IS ON FIRE! WAIT, HERE COMES BOGDAN!
Having recovered in the ring, Bogdan Tomas comes off the top with a tope con hilo!
Ollie Oldham: YES!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury catches him!
Ollie Oldham: NO!
Holding Tomas in the air, Fury rams him spine first into the ring post. As Bogdan flails around like a broken man, Fury tosses him back under the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh look! Mimsy and the Pooch have tuckered themselves out, and are having a nap.
Ollie Oldham: SO CUTE!
No longer distracted, the referee returns to her ten count.
Sweet Shimmy: THREE!
Before anyone else can drag him back out, Fury rolls under the bottom rope to break the ten count. Dropping a bionic elbow, the pin is academic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: HERE WE GO!
Ollie Oldham: I can’t watch!
Guillermo O’Bannon: One! Two! Thre- JR Lupei back up on the apron distracting the referee. Come on, Shimmy!
Ollie Oldham: I’m sure Bogdan would have kicked out, even if JR weren’t there. Us wacky racers have a lot of stamina.
Fed up, Fury gets up and confronts Lupei.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I was really looking forward to a singles contest, but it feels more and more like Fury is taking on an army.
Ollie Oldham: You’re just imagining things Guillermo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: ...wait... it couldn’t be...
Ollie Oldham: It’s all in your head.
Guillermo O’Bannon: NO, I’m right! Redmond Fury isn’t facing Bogdan Tomas... he’s actually wrestling ORPHAN’S ELEVEN!
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
Redmond Fury (c) vs. Orphan’s Eleven
Ollie Oldham: Sorry Guillermo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not you too!
Ollie Oldham: Tinto has his heart set on that title.
There is a bump sound as Oldham leaves the announce position. Despite the crowd’s protests to leave the tycoon alone, Fury rocks him with a bicep smash that sends Lupei falling off the apron, and crashing to the floor. Sweet Shimmy looks to see if the older man is all right, while Fury walks back towards Bogdan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ollie tossing Bogdan a purse! Which he uses to BRAIN Fury!
Bogdan falls on top of Fury for the cover. As Shimmy returns to the action, Bogdan attempts to throw the purse back; only the brick in it weighs it down.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Loaded purse shot! It can’t end like this-
ONE!
TWO!
THREE- shoulder up!
The crowd boo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a relief! Fury has given too much to see it end like that.
Bogdan goes to grab the purse again, but Fury trips him, and then rocks him with a PEC-PLEX. While the crowd jeer this Fury offence, the camera moves around to ringside to notice a small ramp has been constructed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What was JR Lupei doing when he wasn’t breaking up three counts?
No sooner does the question leave O’Bannon’s lips then the crowd lose their shit for Lightning McQueen! The racecar speeds down the aisle, up the ramp, into the ring, and comes to a stop in the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lightning McQueen stopping on a dime! Unfortunately that dime was in Fury’s pocket.
Having been run over by a racecar, Fury now finds himself pinned the canvas under the weight of the vehicle. There is another bump sound, as Oldham re-joins the announce position.
Ollie Oldham: Did I miss anything?
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is outrageous!
Ollie Oldham: Pinning a little boy for a title is outrageous. I hope Fury sees the error of his ways.
In the ring, Sweet Shimmy has a hard time ignoring the car. This might be grounds for a disqualification. JR Lupei holds his jaw, but argues that the car is unrelated to the match, just happened to be going for a joy ride, and could have hit Bogdan just as easily as it actually hit Fury. So it really shouldn’t count as outside interference. Lupei then holds up Mimsy whose blood shot eyes don’t do the Puss in Boots thing, but the stray seems to win over Sweet Shimmy who agrees it probably wasn’t on purpose.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bogdan Tomas climbing behind the driver’s seat of Lightning McQueen – finally back in his element – and that apparently counts as a pin!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE?
MASSIVE BOOS!
Ollie Oldham: How?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kickout! KICKOUT! Even being pinned to the canvas by a car, Mister GUNS is somehow strong enough to kick out! Where does he get it from?
Ollie Oldham: Clearly steroids.
At Fury’s insistence, Sweet Shimmy and some ring crew begin to roll Lightning McQueen off of him – out of the ring. While the referee is distracted, Tomas goes for another purse shot, only to eat a headbutt. Then another. Fury can barely stand, might have a collapsed lung, but still manages to duck purse shots, and get his headbutts in. The crowd are practically spitting as the recently run over Fury starts to set Tomas up for an Orphanizer!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Could this be the Orphanizer?
Ollie Oldham: WATCH OUT, BOGDAN!
Before Fury can hit the ring, he’s blindsided by two hooded figures.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Druids! The hooded scourge of professional wrestling-
Ollie Oldham: That’s bigotry.
The two druids put the boots to Fury, stomping a hole in him. Then stop.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, they stopped… they are lowering their hoods.
The larger druid is Ursusla, GUNS’ man-eating bear.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ursusla? How could she turn on Redmond Fury like this?
Ollie Oldham: He was asking for it.
While the smaller turns out to be...
Ollie Oldham: There’s your answer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rival Recruiter Ozawa! Is there anyone he can’t recruit?
Ozawa laughs and panders to the camera, bragging about his latest perverted soul. Fury reaches out with a bloody hand, trying to touch the paw of his BEAR WITH ME teammate. Ozawa just kicks it away, and handing Bogdan his loaded purse, tells Ursusla to hold Fury up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Three on one. I can’t watch. Oh the humanity.
Ollie Oldham: It’s Tinto’s main gift.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is disgusting. Ursusla holding Fury up, and here comes Bogdan with that loaded purse-
Bogdan charges in-
Ollie Oldham: Darn it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: YES!
Letting go of Fury at the last minute, Ursula hits a massive hip attack on Tomas – probably breaking his ribs. The force sends the purse up in the air. Rival Recruiter Ozawa runs for it – only for the grizzly bear to scoop it up, and HAMMER him with it. The force knocks Ozawa both silly and out of the ring. The audience have made more trash to throw.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ursusla going up top – SHOOTING STAR PRESS onto Bogdan!
Ollie Oldham: Outside interference, that’s cheating!
Using her snout, Ursusla rolls Fury on top of Tomas – then bounds out of the ring to get Sweet Shimmy’s attention.
Ollie Oldham: NOT like this!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shimmy back in the ring – one, two, three!
DING! DING! DING!
Greg Jin: The winner of this match, and STILL XHF Phoenix Champion, Redmond Fury!
Ollie Oldham: What a cheater.
Guillermo O’Bannon: ...really?
Ollie Oldham: No, Bogdan had this won. He wouldn’t have lost if that bear hadn’t have turned him into jelly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: ...Despite Orphan’s Eleven’s best efforts, it looks like the birthday boy won’t be getting his hands on the Phoenix title tonight.
Ollie Oldham: Tinto said that cash was all right too.
The crowd turn ugly as Fury once again deprives a small child of a feeling of accomplishment. Some hero. With Fury in no state to walk, UrsusLa puts the muscleman on her back. Poochipino joins them as well, with the title belt in its mouth. As the first irate Tinto-fanatic hops the guardrail, the bear barrels down the aisle. Security have their hands full keeping the crowd from rioting.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I wonder though...
Ollie Oldham: What’s that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Orphan’s Eleven is all about baiting and switching... maybe the phoenix wasn’t their goal in the first place.
Ollie Oldham: Well now you’re just talking nonsense.
As security is focused on crowd control, a Xenomorph enters through the loading dock.
Still outside, we check in with the Roving Reporter.
Kevin Valentine Junior: The atmosphere, even from this distance, is electrifying! And yet we’re STILL seeing latecomers arrive.
Someone in a Trudy Van Tubb get-up walks past.
Kevin Valentine Junior: WOW! Someone with an equally as obscure costume as my own. Trudy Van Tubb, wife to Mickey’s antagonist Peg-Leg Pete! I gotta find out who they want to win in a battle of good vs evil. Is it going to be Disney’s Own Marty Donovan or the very likely Disney Princess that is Chinese-sponsored Xenomorph, the Alien Queen?
Kevin rushes towards van Tubb.
Kevin Valentine Junior: Miss! Miss!
Trudy van Tubb covers her face.
Trudy Van Tubb (suspicious falsetto): No, I’m very shy. Very shy.
Kevin reaches to put his arm on Van Tubb’s shoulder but misses and grabs the wig off their head.
Kevin Valentine Junior: CROSS??
Cross Recoba: Every other company gets their representatives in, who does Tap Out get? It’s a stupid vendetta from Marty because he’s still sore that I put him down on his ass and took the gold from a pretender and put it on a true artist inside the ring!
Kevin Valentine Junior: You know that Steve Morrison and Laura Messier are inside already?
Recoba is grabbed under each arm by the Security Guards and pulled off-screen.
Cross Recoba: THEY’RE JUST ON-SCREEN TALENT!! ON-SCREEN TALENT!!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s time for the showstopper! Marty Donovan will face a mystery Disney opponent of Tinto’s choosing.
Phillip Blauer: You know it’s just going to be Dana Daniels dressed as some predictable fan favorite like Uncle Remus.
Greg Jin: Ladies and Gentlemen the following is the main event of the evening and a FROZEN HELL IN A CELL MATCH.
On the stage is Olivia dressed as Aurora from Sleeping Beauty. She pretends to slumber on a bed. “Once Upon A Dream” plays as Marty rides out on a horse. He is dressed as Prince Phillip and even has the sword of truth and the Shield of Virtue. Marty hops off his steed and plants a big kiss on his girlfriend.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait. Why did we have the whole kiss cam segment if they were just going to do this entrance?
Phillip Blauer: Oh, cut her some slack. It’s the poor girl’s birthday party.
Ollie pretends to awaken and smiles. Marty carries her over to the horse and they ride down to the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it isn’t. Today is about celebrating Marty and Tinto.
Phillip Blauer: So we had a kiss cam and Sleeping Beauty themed horse ride?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, she really did throw herself a bonus birthday.
Stepping off of Samson, Marty strips down to his wrestling gear. He hands the props and costume to Ollie before sharing one more kiss before stepping into the structure. He pretends to look concerned as the referee locks the door.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This match will be officiated by Papito from REIGN.
Phillip Blauer: Only the most crooked ref will due for Marty’s birthday.
Guillermo O’Bannon: There’s Dana Daniels. He seems quite distraught about something.
Phillip Blauer: What do you mean something. We know it's Jack Diamond's sexual appetitie.
Marty and Ollie stare at Dana in confusion and concern. If he’s out there then who is inside the box? The giant present falls apart as a mystery opponent tears their way out. Tinto applauds widely at the sight of his favorite Disney Princess. The crowd roars in shock as a suited Zoran Sainovic stands there, more urban legend than man at this point, and glares at his opponent.
Guillermo O’Bannon: DEAR LORD, IT IS ZORAN SAINOVIC!
Phillip Blauer: THE FOUNDER OF SEA WORLD!
Marty immediately rolls out of the ring and begins to desperately yank on the cage door. It won’t open and he vomits up his Mickey waffles. A loud thud is heard.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Olivia has fainted! We need medical attention over here!
Phillip Blauer: Oh great. We have to sit through her Sleeping Beauty entrance again?
Donovan looks around desperate for an escape route. There are none to be had. Changing tactics, he squints across the ring. Pretending to finally recognize Zoran, he smiles and waves before sliding back into the ring.
Marty Donovan: Could it be? It is! Zoran, I didn’t even recognize you. That JHW run has you looking fit. I was worried you didn’t get your invite to the party. I’m so happy you’re here!
Zoran Sainovic: Zen why was I banned?
Marty Donovan: What’s that?
Zoran produces the invite from his coat pocket and points to the banned names.
Zoran Sainovic: Your outfit is appropriate. I feel snubbed like Maleficent.
Marty glances at the invite, feigning surprise.
Marty Donovan: Banned? Is Tinto mad at you? He was the one who made the guest list.
Zoran Sainovic: Last time we crossed paths here I let you pin me and zis is my zanks?
Marty Donovan: You didn’t let me do anything. I beat you clean.
Zoran Sainovic: You honestly believe that, Bebo?
Papito searches Zoran for weapons and, to Marty’s horror, finds nothing. He calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
Marty again rolls out of the ring and tries to rip the door open.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty tugging on the door again. He wants nothing to do with the man who stabbed him.
Phillip Blauer: Donovan is regretting paying for that state of the art lock. Zoran follows him outside.
Marty keeps walking away backwards, facing his opponent and ducking behind ring posts. The terrified spokesperson flees Zoran on the outside while the Serbian calmly follows him in a straight line, even momentarily walking over the ring steps instead of going around them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Look at the precise movements of Zoran as he stalks his prey. This is like a horror movie. He’s the Terminator.
Phillip Blauer: Is that a Disney property?
Marty slides in the ring and waits for Zoran to come back in. Marty bounces off the ropes and ducks under a clothesline.
Guillermo O’Bannon: There is no place to hide. Marty has to fight for his life now.
Marty bounces back the other way and eats a big boot.
Phillip Blauer: He’s off to a great start.
Marty flops around. Zoran yanks him up by the hair and slams his face into a turnbuckle. Marty bounces off the turnbuckle and staggers around the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty certainly isn’t at 100 percent. He’s already suffered attacks today from The Anointed and Bloodied Fox’s thugs.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t forget that I kicked sand on him too.
Donovan tries to flee the ring on his knees, but Zoran yanks him back in and slams his face against the turnbuckle again.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Final Boss doesn’t seem interested in a wrestling clinic. This is all about inflicting pain.
Sainovic irish whips Donovan and goozles him on the way back.
Phillip Blauer: I know this one. Here comes the smokegram!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Chokeslam.
Marty stomps on Zorans knee and punches free.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty fighting back. He forces Zoran into the corner with boxing jabs.
Marty irish whips him out. Zoran reverses it and Marty takes a big bump into the opposite corner. The crowd gasps as Marty flips over until he is seated on the turnbuckle and then flips back down onto his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ouch! That was a rough ride for the already injured wrestler.
Phillip Blauer: Donovan stumbling around like someone who hit every country in EPCOT. He doesn’t see Zoran waiting.
Marty staggers around, turning into a clothesline from the suited man.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This has been one sided so far. Marty is trying to pull himself up by the ropes. A big punch from Zoran drops him!
Zoran steps on his neck. Marty writhes in pain as the referee starts the count. Zoran pleads with him on four.
Zoran Sainovic: Wait! I don’t know how to count in english.
Papito starts to count in Spanish instead. Marty gasps for air as Zoran calls time out on four again.
Zoran Sainovic: Wait. I don’t know zat either. Could you do Serbian? It goes jedan, dva, tri, četiri, pet.
Papito struggles through the foreign count and Zoran eventually lifts his foot off.
Phillip Blauer: Say what you will about Zoran, but he showed some great sportsmanship by breaking the count on tri.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Right. Zoran with a scoop slam and then a big leg drop. He still has not gone for a pin.
Marty raises on spaghetti legs. Zoran Irish whip into the ropes and follows it up with a huge back body drop. The crowd gasps as Marty gets major air.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dear lord! Marty just took a Splash Mountain like drop.
Phillip Blauer: Putting his body on the line to fight cancel culture.
Zoran reaches under the ring skirt and pulls out a knife. The crowd gasps as Marty backs into the corner, pleading.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He has a knife!
Marty Donovan: Don’t kill me! It’s my birthday!
Zoran Sainovic: What? I had no idea. To zink, I was going to stab you with zis!
Zoran hands the knife to Papito who turns around to remove it from the ring. Marty lets out a sigh of relief.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran showing some rare mercy.
Zoran however reaches into the apron again and pulls out an even bigger blade with the words “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARTY” engraved on it.
Phillip Blauer: Or not.
Marty shrieks and rolls out of the corner just as Zoran stabs the knife into the top turnbuckle pad.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran hits a back elbow to Marty and then tosses him to the outside.
Donovan’s feet hit the cage wall on the way down. Zoran leaves his weapon in the pad and follows.
Phillip Blauer: Nasty collision there. This is your old school, smaller cell. For Tinto’s birthday, Marty spared every expense.
Zoran corners Marty and lifts him up against the cage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran has him against the steel, but Marty pokes him in the eye!
Phillip Blauer: A time honored technique from House Blauer.
Marty begins to climb to safety, but Zoran yanks Marty off the cage wall to the floor.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The match continues to be all Zoran.
Phillip Blauer: This is getting to be excessive. I wish he would just stab Marty already and then cut the birthday cake, with separate knives if possible.
The final boss Irish whip Marty into the cage wall. He then lifts Disney’s own up in the last ride position.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran looking for a big move, but Marty holds the cage wall with one hand. He begins to fight back with elbows to the head.
Zorans drops Marty, but immediately hits him with a headbutt before any offense can be landed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan dropped with an uppercut. Everytime it looks like Marty is about to get things going, he is shut down.
Phillip Blauer: It’s just like when he was trying to bone Natalie Burrows.
Zoran stands Donovan up against the ring apron and begins with a series of alternating rib punches.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran working the body. There have been repeated allegations of his gloves being loaded.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah right and my hair isn’t real.
A wounded Marty slumps against the wall. Zoran picks him up like a small child in a hug. Sainovic runs Marty’s back into the ring post and then corner post of the cage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Brutal! Zoran continues to alternate between running Marty’s spine into the ring post and cage corner. He’s using the structure as a weapon.
Phillip Blauer: Never mind that. The real story is what’s going on outside the cage.
The camera cuts to Olivia who has recovered. The crying woman pleads with Bob Iger in the front row to call off the match. Iger pretends to take a call on his cellphone.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Disney CEO Bob Iger. You would think he’d have more sympathy for his wounded employee.
Phillip Blauer: Wow, Aurora pleading for mercy with the greedy boardroom. It’s like something by Banksy.
Meanwhile, Marty is slumped on the ground. Zoran puts his boot to his neck against the cage wall. Papito counts again in Serbian and Zoran breaks on four.
Zoran Sainovic: Your pronunciation has improved!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran irish whip Marty into the cage wall. The Final Boss backs up and runs in for a big splash.
Marty collapses to the side when Zoran follows in for a splash and he crashes against the cage wall.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran collides with the steel. He stumbles backwards and trips over the prone Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: Marty rushing to get in his face, just like I plan to do in the parking lot with my future employer Cross Recoba. I brought a resume and some nice glossy headshots.
Marty begins to wail on Zoran with punches on the floor.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan finally fighting back. Marty creates some distance by going in the ring.
Zoran staggers to his feet and gets up on the apron. Marty bounces off the opposite ropes and hits a flying forearm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ouch! Zoran sent flying through the air and then he collided with the cell wall.
Marty doesn’t waste any time. He runs across the ring and hits a springboard senton to the recovering Zoran.
Phillip Blauer: Donovan taking a page out of my own book with that beautiful springboard senton.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty climbs up the cell wall then comes off with an elbow drop to Zoran below!
Donovan tosses some insults Zoran’s way before climbing the cell and hitting another.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Brutal elbow drops. Zoran writhes in pain. Donovan climbs up the cage wall a third time.
Phillip Blauer: It’s called the rule of threes and it's why my comedy is so well regarded.
As Donovan climbs, a wounded Zoran lifts up one of the ring mats next to him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait! Zoran is recovering. He’s taped a knife under that mat. Donovan doesn’t know and is going to drop down again!
Phillip Blauer: Like I said, rule of threes.
Zoran lays back down, holding the blade pointed up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty! wait!
Ollie screams just as Marty starts to let go.
Phillip Blauer: Marty alerted of danger at the last possible second. He’s clawing like a cat to stay on the cage wall.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran is rising with the weapon, but Marty leaps onto his shoulders!
Marty hits a hurricanrana and the blade goes flying out of Zoran’s hands.
Phillip Blauer: Clever counter, but I would have gotten in a cool catchphrase first.
Marty grabs a chair painted ice blue from under the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran is cracked across the back with a brutal chair shot. Look at the anger in Marty’s eyes.
Phillip Blauer: It’s like when Kilroy wants Chick-Fil A on a Sunday!
The Final Boss rolls around in pain. Marty notices Olivia sobbing on the outside.
Marty Donovan: Are you mad at me?
Ollie Oldham: Keep your eyes on Zoran!
Marty Donovan: That wasn't an answer. I feel some anger here. Let me hit your move.
Marty struggles to get Zoran up, but eventually hits a tiger driver ‘98.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ollie Driver ‘22! The tables have turned. Zoran crawls back inside the ring.
Phillip Blauer: What kind of name is Ollie Drive ‘22?
Marty brings the chair in the ring and hits him over the back with it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan goes back to the chair. Zoran is trying to rise to his feet, but Marty connects with a third shot to the back.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, she’s a race car driver.
Zoran stumbles across the ring and leans against the ropes to keep standing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty twisting the ropes around to trap Zoran’s arms.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, they started dating in 2022.
Marty Donovan: Babe, look! He’s our favorite movie, Tangled! Are you upset?
Zoran Sainovic: She’s clearly mad at you!
Marty yells in frustration and starts to punch Zoran.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Papito forcing Marty to back away from his defenseless opponent.
Phillip Blauer: He was cool with stabbings though.
Marty shoves past the ref and runs in for a Dis-Knee.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty going for his finisher, but Zoran raises his leg for a big boot while trapped.
Phillip Blauer: That’s just the level top athletes like Zoran and I operate at. Disabling the arms isn't enough. If cornered I could fight a man off with just my dimples.
Marty runs in a second time, but The Final Boss manages to get one of his arms free.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Counter! Zoran lifts Donovan over the top rope.
Marty flips to the floor. His legs collide with the Olaf audio-animatronic, sending it crashing to the floor.
Phillip Blauer: DEAR LORD, OLAF IS DEAD!
Marty watches in horror as Olaf twitches on the ground, sparks flying.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty currently dreading the repair costs more than his opponent.
Phillip Blauer: He shouldn’t be, Zoran has finally freed himself from those ropes.
Zoran catches his breath in the corner. Marty slides into the ring and goes back on the attack.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty with a basement dropkick! He follows it up with a leg sweep and then another slingshot corner dropkick.
Phillip Blauer: The combination made famous by Tanahashi Naito, the second man to wrestle as Jushin Liger.
Marty stands in the diagonal corner, signaling for his finisher.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty waits for Zoran to rise. He’s planning to end this with the Dis-Knee.
Phillip Blauer: Look who left his front row seat though.
Bob Iger tugs on the cage door, demanding that the referee open it immediately.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bob Iger wants the cage door open so that imagineers can check on Olaf.
Phillip Blauer: So we now know that thing costs more than Marty’s deal.
Papito leaves the ring to talk to Iger. Marty charges out of the corner and lands a brutal V-Trigger on Zoran.
Guillermo O’Bannon: THE DIS-KNEE.
Marty leans against the ropes exhausted.
Phillip Blauer: The ref isn’t there to…
Zoran sits up unphased. The crowd erupts in disbelief. The camera zooms in on a stunned Marty.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t believe it! Zoran sat right up after taking The Dis-Knee. Marty can’t believe it either. Tears are flowing down the birthday boy’s face.
Phillip Blauer: You would cry too if it happened to you.
Iger yells at Papito to hurry as the ref uses a miniature Keyblade to unlock the cage door.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The cell is open. Imagineers are pouring in to check on Olaf!
Phillip Blauer: Marty notices the commotion and slides out of the ring. He’s done playing with Zoran.
Meanwhile, Zoran is taking his time. The serbian gets up and fixes his appearance.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Olivia urging Marty to flee. He’s shoving through the crowd of Imagineers.
Phillip Blauer: There’s no price you can put on escaping Zoran, even if you have to Goldberg spear Bob Iger.
Marty is just about to join Ollie on the outside when the cage door is slammed in his face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Look out! A man in a hoodie has mounted Marty. He’s unloading with punches.
Phillip Blauer: You buried the lead. It is a Universal Studios hoodie.
The hooded man yanks Marty up and slams his head against one of the snowgies
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty’s been busted open! His face is a crimson mask!
Phillip Blauer: Ollie is trying to stop this. Protecting Marty with the courage of a woman desperate to be in his will.
Olivia has grabbed the man from behind and tries to yank him away. The attacker turns around and shoves her. The CAR driver stumbles back and her head bumps against the door frame.
Guillermo O’Bannon: NO! Olivia’s head just had a nasty collision with the cell! We need help right now!
Phillip Blauer: I am helping. I’m providing color.
Tinto watches concerned as paramedics hurry over to Olivia. The mystery man grabs Marty and rolls him into the ring. Zoran watches suspiciously as they lower their hood.
Guillermo O’Bannon: SON OF A BITCH! IT IS EL REY!
Phillip Blauer: What? I mean…us Anointed had this planned for months! You didn’t notice El Rey was missing earlier?
El Rey has a big smile on his face and points to the wounded Marty on the mat. Zoran is guarded and gives no response.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tense moment between Zoran and El Rey. They’ve had a father and son like bond in the past, but El Rey tried to turn on him at last year's End Of Days. Zoran also recently won El Rey’s Junior title.
Phillip Blauer: Does anyone actually have an earnest, unfearful relationship with Zoran? I feel like he’s our Jabba.
The men both begin to put the boots to a helpless Marty as the boo’s reign down.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, the one thing that brings the entire XHF together. A hatred of Marty.
Dana Daniels runs through the open door and slides in the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Dana Daniels! He’s shaking up that thermos of bees, but El Rey lands a superkick!
The thermos rolls out of the ring as Dana is dropped. Zoran picks him back up and hits a high angle SPIKED Gutwrench Suplex.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran with The Pain!
Phillip Blauer: Young Tinto has run over to the timekeeper area. Perhaps he’s seen enough bloodshed for one day and wants to ride the teacups?
Tinto scurries into the ring and gets in front of the wounded Marty. Zoran and El Rey just stare at him confused.
Greg Jin: Ladies and Gentleman. Tinto has added a stipulation to this Frozen Hell in a Cell. It is now a TWO ON TWO MY DAD CAN BEAT UP YOUR DAD MATCH!
Guillermo O’Bannon: WHAT!?! SOMEBODY STOP THIS!?!
El Rey laughs hysterically as Zoran looks down at the small boy with pity. Tinto smiles at the bloodied Marty, who’s begging him to run away.
Tinto: Come on, Mister Marty! Let’s kick some shell!
Tinto runs forward with a war scream and begins to windmill his arms.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tinto running towards battle, but El Rey places his palm against the boy's head to hold him back.
Phillip Blauer: Look at the smile on El Rey’s face. Disney can spend millions on attractions, but nothing will ever top the joy of picking on someone weaker than you.
El Rey picks Tinto up, but is then bitten on his hand.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rey screams in pain as Tinto bites down.
Phillip Blauer: Can you imagine how hungry an orphan must be? It’d make a great song. Hell, I bet I could write a whole musical around the topic.
Tinto scurries out of the ring and El Rey chases after him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran is barking for his partner to come back. He thinks it’s best to leave the child be.
Phillip Blauer: Or he wants to kill him last.
El Rey chases Tinto around the outside, having to shove through the imagineers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tinto’s running as fast as his little legs will carry him, but it’s not quick enough. Wait! El Rey just slipped on something.
The crowd laughs as Rey bumps on the outside. To his horror, he looks at his boots and see’s a half-eaten Mickey waffle.
Phillip Blauer: It was Marty’s regurgitated breakfast. Or is it lunch? I feel like he probably has Mickey waffles four times a day.
The fake orphan laughs in his face. Furious, El Rey grabs Tinto and begins to military press him over his head with ease.
Phillip Blauer: Does he think that’s impressive? I could easily lift Two Tintos, maybe even three!
El Rey carelessly tosses Tinto over his head, but the orphan grabs on to the cage wall unscathed. The arena pops.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank goodness! El Rey hasn’t turned around. He thinks the crowd is cheering for him.
Tinto: Look, Mister Rey! It’s like your Bonesaw and I’m Seabiscuit!
Enraged, El Rey starts to climb after him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran walks across the ring and yells for El Rey to come back. He doesn’t see Marty staggering to his feet!
Phillip Blauer: Turn around, Zaddy!
Marty runs across the ring, landing a massive V-trigger as Zoran turns around.
Guillermo O’Bannon: THE DIS-KNEE!
Phillip Blauer: El Rey doesn’t even notice. He’s climbing after Tinto.
Marty collapses on top of him for the pin. Papito makes the count.
ONE
TWO
THRE…KICKOUT!
Zoran sits up once more, this time with a bloody nose. He bellows El Rey’s name.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Somehow, Zoran managed to kick out of the Dis-Knee.
Phillip Blauer: No thanks to El Rey. That had to be Marty’s last shot at winning this. He’s lost too much blood.
Zoran gets in El Rey’s face, scolding him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The protege is getting an earful. Rey assures him that he won't miss a save again. The mentor barks out a few commands and then marches off.
Phillip Blauer: He’s going to get that birthday blade out of the turnbuckle!
El Rey holds Marty in a full nelson as Zoran closes in with his knife. Tinto slides in the ring and opens up something.
Guillermo O’Bannon: THE THERMOS OF BEES!
Phillip Blauer: Those little guys are furious. They must have seen what Zoran did to Copycat!
El Rey drops Marty and flees from the angry insects. Zoran blindly swings the knife around to shield his face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a great distraction! Marty is giving Tinto a piggyback ride as the fake orphan directs him to safety.
Phillip Blauer: Why is he tugging on Donovan’s hair?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s from Ratatouille.
On the outside,El Rey is still having to swing away bees and runs right into the imagineers, knocking Olaf back onto the ground.
Phillip Blauer: Welp, looks like EPCOT is going to be short one attraction. People might actually visit Canada.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bob Iger is furious. He’s screaming at El Rey, who points to his Universal hoodie.
Zoran baseball slides out of the ring, knocking the greedy CEO into the cage wall.
Guillermo O’Bannon: IGER IS DOWN! IMAGINEERS ARE RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES!
Zoran steps on Iger’s neck and holds up the Vulcan salute.
Phillip Blauer: A true Paramount man. Marty wishes he was this effective of a brand ambassador.
The wall street darling passes out as Rey tugs on his hoodie with pride.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mixed reaction from the crowd here. Seems like some of the people are happy to see Iger hurt.
Phillip Blauer: Attending Sun Valley during layoffs was a boneheaded decision.
Zoran and Rey follow Marty, but two tourists with backpacks and tasers rush them.
Phillip Blauer: Hey! Those jerks interrupted my flirting with Ariel. I had her eating out of my hand, told this funny anecdote about meeting Robert Vaughn in a Trader Joe’s.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Those are undercover security guards for the park.
Rey slams the door shut just as they’re about to enter, knocking the men over.
Phillip Blauer: Hopefully minimum wage. Iger’s lucky Zoran has his heart set on stabbing Marty.
Zoran and Rey begin to put the boots to the security guards as Tinto runs up.
Tinto: Mr.Zoran! I’m on your team now. Marty drove away to Animal Kingdom in a big Safari jeep with a lion and a cheetah and a baby hippo!
Tinto looks up and winks. Zoran turns around and notices Marty hiding on the top of the cell.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran is climbing the cage! Tinto’s roundhouse kicks have done nothing to stop him.
Phillip Blauer: It’s amazing to see a man of that size climbing this structure.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s the Junior Heavyweight Champion.
Phillip Blauer: Nothing about the division makes sense.
Zoran attempts to yank up the crawling Marty, but is hit with a low blow.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty doing whatever he can to stay away from that knife.
Marty goes for an Olliedriver ‘22, but Zoran reverses it into a back body drop on top of the cage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We’re lucky he didn’t break through the cell roof on that drop!
Marty tries to crawl away and Zoran hits a Spinning Wristclutch Fisherman’s Buster.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The SureShot! Zoran’s yanking Marty up by his hair. LOOK OUT HE’S GOING TO TOSS HIM OVER!
Phillip Blauer: He better not hit the table. I just started my cheese fondue.
The crowd screams as Zoran casually tosses his opponent over the edge. Marty manages to grab on to the cell with one hand.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty’s hanging on. He’s right above us. This is bad.
Phillip Blauer: Can a man not enjoy a hot snack in peace?
Zoran pulls the birthday blade out of his coat and swings at Marty’s head.
Guillermo O’Bannon: ZORAN HAS THE KNIFE! MOVE!
Donovan has no choice. He lets go of the cage and crashes through the announce table below.
Guillermo O’Bannon: WE NEED HELP OVER HERE! MARTY IS HURT!
Phillip Blauer: Never mind that! Get a shot of this.
The camera shows a close up of Phil’s unspilled cheese fondue.
Phillip Blauer: What are the odds? How many times on past shows have I spilled that scorching hot treat?
Like something out of a horror movie, Zoran is suddenly in the frame. He picks Marty up by the head and tosses him on to the next table. Two people in blue body paint flee.
Phillip Blauer: Zoran’s not done. He’s put Marty on the Na'vi announce desk!
Marty is forced to stand up and then gets tossed to the floor.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Enough already! You made your point!
Zoran leans down to pick up Marty and Tinto breaks the cheese fondue over his head.
Phillip Blauer: NO! THAT LITTLE PUNK TAMPERED WITH A MIRACLE!
The serbian screams in pain and then chases after the fleeing orphan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: RUN TINTO! Zoran is livid. I don’t think he’s going to show him any more mercy.
Tinto tries to wake up one of the security guards on the ground. Meanwhile, El Rey approaches the announcer area and puts on Prince Phillip’s cape from Marty’s entrance.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tinto flees back into the cage! We can’t just sit here!
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, it’s awkward without the table.
El Rey twirls around obnoxiously in the cape before beginning to slap the prone Marty around.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Real tough guy!
Phillip Blauer: Even as a fellow Anointed member I think this is too much. Rey is sullying the name of Prince Phillip.
Tinto hides behind Papito. The referee tries to talk sense into the approaching Zoran. Guillermo stands up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I can’t just sit here and watch this. I’m going to…
El Rey slaps the taste out of Guillermo’s mouth. The commentator rolls around in pain before El Rey puts him in a headlock.
Phillip Blauer: This makes me sick. There are multiple Hardkore World cameramen here at ringside. They’ve known Guillermo for decades, but none of them are brave enough to stand up to El Rey. Despicable coworkers.
Zoran shoves the ref over and Tinto goes to flee. The Final Boss yanks the boy up by his shirt collar, so that he is eye to eye with the mad wrestler.
Phillip Blauer: Per Disney policy, Tinto can’t be declared dead on property.
Tinto tasers Zoran in the neck.
Phillip Blauer: What! That little guy must have stolen a taser off one of those cockblocking security guards.
The Final Boss collapses to the ground as the crowd pops in excitement. El Rey finally notices what is happening and lets go of Guillermo.
Phillip Blauer: Zoran is down and El Rey is a long way off. Tinto has a shot at an open goal.
El Rey frantically runs towards the ring, but Marty yanks on the cape.
Phillip Blauer: Rey tugged to the ground by Prince Chekov’s cape!
The excited orphan runs towards the ropes and does a Hulk Hogan lean against the middle one before running back the other way.
Phillip Blauer: You got to be kidding me!
Tinto lands a massive (not really) legdrop on Zoran.
El Rey scrambles to stand up, but Marty slams the Shield of Virtue in his face. Rey rolls around in pain, blood pouring out of his nose now, as Marty collapses.
Phillip Blauer: Not the money maker! He was the second hottest Anointed member after me!
Tinto jumps on top of Zoran. Papito makes the count.
ONE
TWO
THREE
DING DING DING!
“Hot and Cold” by Jermaine Stewart plays as Tinto leaps around the ring excitedly. The tropical music blares as we cut to the three other men in pools of blood.
Greg Jin: Here are your winners, Disney’s Marty Donovan & TINTO!!!!
The biggest pop of the night is heard as the crowd tries to process the upset they just saw. Guillermo struggles back into his seat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What happened?
Phillip Blauer: Nice of you to join us, Sleeping Beauty. Tinto just pinned Zoran.
Guillermo O’Bannon: WHAT? HOW?
Phillip Blauer: I think he used the One Winged Angel.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is this Tinto’s theme song?
Phillip Blauer: Hang on, I’m getting info from the truck. He chose this to celebrate turning 8 since he’ll finally be old enough to watch Weekend at Bernie’s.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think that’s true.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, there are some major beach baddies in that film. Women were just hotter in the 80s.
Ollie, with a bandage on her head, rushes out to check on Marty while he is loaded onto a stretcher.
“For Boston” by the Boston College Marching Band plays as football legend Doug Flutie walks out. Clearly, this was supposed to be the surprise of the night and not a knife wielding Serb. The Heisman Trophy winner actually gets a mixed reaction from the crowd, no doubt some in attendance are still salty over The Miracle in Miami. Doug has a title belt in a velvet bag and a pigskin.
Doug Flutie: Hey Marty, Olivia tells me you're BC's biggest fan. How about I throw you a touchdown pass?
The gravely wounded Marty tries to speak, desperate to toss the football with his hero, but Olivia shakes her head no.
Doug Flutie: Okay, rain check then. Here you go little buddy!
Flutie pulls a title out of the bag and hands it to Tinto.
Tinto: WOW! MISTER MARTY’S OLD SWAT SPRINGFIELD CHAMPIONSHIP!
Confetti falls as Tinto holds up the belt, crying tears of joy.
Phillip Blauer: Talk about a feel good moment. You just know Soutter is looking down on this from Heaven and smiling.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Paul is alive.
Phillip Blauer: Are you sure?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes!
Phillip Blauer: Then where the hell has he been lately?
The shot fades out on Tinto celebrating as “When You Wish Upon A Star” plays.