Post by Dave D-Flipz on Sept 28, 2023 22:36:04 GMT -5
*We open up at the front door of the rental property where Bowler Hat Brigade has been shacked up for months now since the Sarlacc Pit incident at GUNS. There is the sound of a key in the lock from outside, tumblers fall as the key is turned, and the front door opens up. In walks Funaki, being trailed behind by a very annoyed looking Dr. Chaos still in scrubs.*
"He just … SITS there! Something is clearly wrong! As his manager you have a duty to get him treatment! DO SOMETHING!"
"… I was doing something…"
"PERFORMING A NEUTERING ON A STRAY DOG TO SET AN EXAMPLE FOR A TEAM OF DRIVING DOGS IS NOT SOMETHING!"
*Chaos lowers her glasses to the rim of her nose and unties the bun her blonde hair was tucked in, letting it cascade down her shoulders. She then death glares right into Funaki’s fear filled eyes.*
"Do NOT raise your voice to me in my own home little man! I will throw you out on the street and get a new PR specialist so fast! I know the famous XHF Legend … the goat! I can get him you know."
*Funaki, at 5’7”, 180lbs cowers in fear over the much more intimidating and larger Dr. Chaos, standing 5’2” in heels and 140 pounds soaking wet … wait… well he cowers.*
"Yes ma’am!"
*Suddenly from the other room spills out a man. He has a long scraggly beard, his hair is disheveled, he has on a Coheed and Cambria t-shirt and ripped, stained jeans. And of course flying pig socks. His face is dirty and unkempt, he has pizza grease on his shirt and in his moustache. Patches of grey fleck on his face and head. He has enormous bags under his eyes.*
"Will you both shut up! I … am TRYING … to FOCUS!"
*He lifts a 3L bottle of Dr. Pepper to his lips and downs 2/3 of it. His compatriots shudder.*
"I have been playing for 46 hours straight but I think I am finally getting the hang of this game. It’s so HARD! I keep LOSING! LIKE LIFE! But I’m finally improving!"
"What is he playing? Dark Souls? Bloodborne? That King Arthur game from the Super Nintendo?"
"… … Fortnite."
*Chaos drops her stethoscope … her eyes wide.*
"Oh … oh that’s bad."
*They follow DT as he “drunkenly” stumbles in a stupor back to his recliner where he kicks back, downs a fistful of caramel corn, gets his controller all sticky, and loads into a game. He drops off the battle bus … and IMMEDIATELY gets taken down.*
"HA HA SEE! Lasted TWICE AS LONG!"
*He laser focuses back onto the screen.*
"Calling in the big guns…"
*Funaki looks at her face*
"I thought you were the big guns?"
"No no I just HAVE them-"
*Funaki’s eyes drift to her slightly open scrub top. It’s hard to contain them after al-*
"-On Speed Dial!"
"Oh."
*Oh*
*An hour later we cut back. Funaki and Chaos are standing in the foyer waiting for “the big guns” and munching on popcorn.*
"I’m so much better at this game."
*He is now playing Tetris. He is building a vertical tower with the tetrominoes.*
"I’ve never seen someone fail upwards at this level."
"YES I WIN AGAIN! RECORD TIME! It keeps saying level one but I know it’s 100. MY LOSING DAYS ARE FINALLY OVER!"
*At this point Mistress Discipline walks through the door, looking very put out.*
"Chaos, this had BETTER be good. Did you know there are no Bed Bath and Beyond anymore? How am I to fix the results of the incident without-"
*Chaos just taps her shoulder and points to the disgusting loaf of man that is DT in his chair. She looks at him, recoils in horror, looks at his screen and then-*
"Oh bless your heart …"
*She turns back to Chaos*
"This qualifies."
*She stalks closer to DT.*
"HUSBAND!"
"LOOK HON! I’m finally winning. I’m the greetest!"
"Oh no, a Futurama reference."
*She clears her throat*
"Husband, you are more … valuable … outside of your Tetris abilities. So ... Why?"
"I spent 47 hours trying to perfect the “2 week” game, but some crafty teenager named ‘RuffRuffPewPew’ kept interfering with my greatness-"
"Oh for the love of-"
*Chaos begins tapping away at her phone*
"I got so close to winning. I came in 100th … out of 100!"
"Okay but … WHY?"
*She begins to get exasperated. She gestures out to him inquisitively*
"You are an accomplished wrestler and a talented driver-"
"Eeeehhhhhhhh"
"VERY talented wrestler, and my husband. There is already a lot on your plate. Focus on the things that require your attention, and not these distractions. Also sleep, get some sleep."
*DT looks at his table*
"Actually Funaki ate all my pizza rolls, my plate is empty."
*Chaos shakes her head.*
"Oh my dog…"
"Eating is important. Right now sleep seems to be more important. Did you see I changed the sheets? I chose lilac, they are supposed to be soothing."
"I haven’t been to bed. The nightmares of losing, all I see … so I’ve been trying to win something to get my mojo back!"
"How about showering? You could win at that!"
*MD snaps around at her friend*
"NOT IN MY BATHROOM HE MAY NOT!"
"Pfft, I am not tired, and I smell FIIIIINE!"
*Funaki walks next to him to grab more food as DT lifts his arms to show this fact. Funaki faints face first into the habañero salsa. Mistress slowly raises her arms and puts them on top of DT’s and lowers them back to his sides.*
"Chaos, grab the hose"
"Eep."
*Death Trap stands in the foyer, dripping dry with a towel around his naughty bits. He looks peppy.*
"Nothing like a cold shower to focus your energy, I am ready to confront the next challenge."
*He begins to walk back to his gaming set up, stepping over Funaki, who is writhing on the floor scratching at his eyes*
"CHAOS GRAB THE MILK! THE MILK!"
"You are NOT wasting my cashew milk, you can suffer for not taking better care of her husband."
*Mistress reaches out to grab DT, and pulls him back, using her other hand to keep his towel decent.*
"NO! The time for games has ended! You know what you can do in that ring. It is time to show THEM you still can do it! After your nap."
"Hold on hold on, let me get my phone. Say a few lines before bed."
"You know Mongo frowns upon shirtless promos ever since Jeffrey Viper debuted right?"
"Viper doesn’t have your abs!"
"FINE, say a few lines before bed. NOW! Go!"
"… This has been the hardest half a year of my career. Not life. No the ten years I lost to my head injuries were far worse. Nothing could eclipse that horror. But this, professionally, is the worst stretch of my life. Six months … forced into racing … my only victories being concussing a ninety year old man, and somehow beating one of the men I have to fight in the first round. I don’t suppose there’s going to be a pity parade for me. It’s not like I haven’t lived up to the status as a legend. And everyone loves to pile on the guy down on his luck."
"If the words eight men and a crooked ref pass your lips, mister …"
*DT gulps and adjusts his towel. He tries to anyway, Mistress’s hand is still right in the middle holding it in place. Surely that’s why her hand is there.*
"Even now, I am in a compromising position. I just … I don’t know how to handle THIS level of failure. Even in the old days I’d eke out wins here and there to keep my morale up while I struggled back to the top. But here I am in a fed with no titles. Here I am putting on the worst performance of anyone in a tournament in the fed I helped get off the ground. Here I am losing races to a team run by a child or a team run by a mad scientist or a team run by Greg fucking Adkins… HE DRUNK DROVE AND BEAT ME!"
*DT sighs and pulls the towel away from MD and steps off camera. He arrives back on scene in his wrestling tights.*
"This tournament was not on my radar. Not until I got my groove back. But Mary just threw me into it. And I don’t have it in me to not show up and put on a show for the fans, even if I end up on my back … watching Jack Diamond move on. It’s SO frustrating. I should be the favorite to win this. I have won before! I have held the X*Crown TWICE. And yet … I couldn’t take it back from Fox."
*DT sits on the couch looking dejected, depressed, and miserable.*
"And now this is my only chance to rectify that. Fuck Fox. He wants to go down in infamy. Fuck him. Once more into the breach. Once more, putting on the main attraction of the evening. Once more, doing the impossible, doing the unexpected, doing what has to be done. And I question if I still have it in me to bring it the way I need to."
"Ya know you don’t actually need to BEAT Jack Diamond, right?"
"What? Is it not still one on one matches?"
"Four person matches with 2 people advancing. You could just beat Layla Lavoie or King Edmund IV."
*DT looks confused*
"Uh … who? Wait … they changed the format since I won? Hold the phone this is … this is ok! I don’t need to WIN, I can just not lose! I can come in second and still break this slump without having to get completely out of this rut. And that will give me the momentum I can ride to the top."
"Well … that is at least progress on this depression. Now if we can just talk about my bathroom and how you plan to-"
*DT stands up with a jolt, knocking into the table and spilling Doctor Pepper onto Funaki.*
"OH GOD THAT MADE IT WORSE!"
*Chaos kicks him in the ribs*
"HUSH! My client is working right now, sir!"
*DT seems full of energy for the first time in months.*
"Alright. I can advance, then I can win my way to the top, then … dethrone Fox. I can finish what I started. I can make him regret what he tried to do to you, hon!"
"Focus on the task at hand, first!"
"Layla! I really have no clue who you are. When you’re as experienced and … well old … as I am you tend to let some small things fall through the cracks. I am sure you are a fantastic stunt double. But, look, you understand. I need this. I … NEEEEEEED … this. If I fail out here … I don’t know what will happen to me. I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. See I still have a bunch in the tank. I’m not ready to fade into the sunset. So it’s nothing personal … but … I’m going to be a roadblock in your journey out of WCW to 2023."
"I don’t think it’s the same WC-"
*DT frantically gets closer to the camera phone in her hands, she staggers back a bit*
"Edmund! You are a disgusting, vile human being. And … I don’t think Supremia actually exists. There I said it. I was an A student in geography and I never heard of it before you had an army attack the rumble that one time. Frankly, I’m not scared of your big oaf. I make a habit of choking out big ugly dudes. Wait …"
"*sigh* Phrasing, honey."
"And Jack. A legend. Look man, I have all the respect in the world for you. You and I should go on to do great things in this tourney. But … you couldn’t beat me at my lowest. You couldn’t outperform Sticky the clown. I think Poena has really done a number on you and maybe you should take some time off, run your company, and recover. You deserve better than all this shit Cross has put you through. He gives us Italians a bad name. But see, you are riding in off a legendary title run. I am coming off a six month losing streak. I am coming off a YEAR of being a tag team wrestler first. I … NEED … this. Once more. Just once more man. I just … I just …"
*He trails off, tears in his eyes*
"None of you in this tournament… understand. Where I am coming from. None of you could. You either never had the highs I’ve had or you never hit the lows I’m at. I need to get the real ME back … Jack. And I know one other person goes on and I want it to be you so we can meet up one on one in the semis. But … I … NEED this. You are DTF, I am not."
"Not what my mistress says!"
"Look, you three are fine wrestlers. But I am a legend. I … I need to find the real me again. I need to win. No if’s and’s or but’s. And I will do what I have to … to make it happen. I … neeeeeeed …"
*He trails off with tears in his eyes. He then yawns. Mistress grabs him to escort him to bed.*
"You NEEEEEEEEED sleep. To bed! Now!"
*DT curls into his bed with a yawn, pulling up the lilac sheet.*
"Would you like me to hold you until you fall asleep?"
"No I don’t need a sleeper hold."
*Chaos’s phone dings*
"I just got a text from Sarah in her bedroom. She says she wants Death Trap to log back in to Fortnite, it’s more fun sniping him out of the gate than actually playing with people…"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT! BED! NOW!"
*Chaos steps back in shock as DT cowers into his bed*
"He just … SITS there! Something is clearly wrong! As his manager you have a duty to get him treatment! DO SOMETHING!"
"… I was doing something…"
"PERFORMING A NEUTERING ON A STRAY DOG TO SET AN EXAMPLE FOR A TEAM OF DRIVING DOGS IS NOT SOMETHING!"
*Chaos lowers her glasses to the rim of her nose and unties the bun her blonde hair was tucked in, letting it cascade down her shoulders. She then death glares right into Funaki’s fear filled eyes.*
"Do NOT raise your voice to me in my own home little man! I will throw you out on the street and get a new PR specialist so fast! I know the famous XHF Legend … the goat! I can get him you know."
*Funaki, at 5’7”, 180lbs cowers in fear over the much more intimidating and larger Dr. Chaos, standing 5’2” in heels and 140 pounds soaking wet … wait… well he cowers.*
"Yes ma’am!"
*Suddenly from the other room spills out a man. He has a long scraggly beard, his hair is disheveled, he has on a Coheed and Cambria t-shirt and ripped, stained jeans. And of course flying pig socks. His face is dirty and unkempt, he has pizza grease on his shirt and in his moustache. Patches of grey fleck on his face and head. He has enormous bags under his eyes.*
"Will you both shut up! I … am TRYING … to FOCUS!"
*He lifts a 3L bottle of Dr. Pepper to his lips and downs 2/3 of it. His compatriots shudder.*
"I have been playing for 46 hours straight but I think I am finally getting the hang of this game. It’s so HARD! I keep LOSING! LIKE LIFE! But I’m finally improving!"
"What is he playing? Dark Souls? Bloodborne? That King Arthur game from the Super Nintendo?"
"… … Fortnite."
*Chaos drops her stethoscope … her eyes wide.*
"Oh … oh that’s bad."
*They follow DT as he “drunkenly” stumbles in a stupor back to his recliner where he kicks back, downs a fistful of caramel corn, gets his controller all sticky, and loads into a game. He drops off the battle bus … and IMMEDIATELY gets taken down.*
"HA HA SEE! Lasted TWICE AS LONG!"
*He laser focuses back onto the screen.*
"Calling in the big guns…"
*Funaki looks at her face*
"I thought you were the big guns?"
"No no I just HAVE them-"
*Funaki’s eyes drift to her slightly open scrub top. It’s hard to contain them after al-*
"-On Speed Dial!"
"Oh."
*Oh*
*An hour later we cut back. Funaki and Chaos are standing in the foyer waiting for “the big guns” and munching on popcorn.*
"I’m so much better at this game."
*He is now playing Tetris. He is building a vertical tower with the tetrominoes.*
"I’ve never seen someone fail upwards at this level."
"YES I WIN AGAIN! RECORD TIME! It keeps saying level one but I know it’s 100. MY LOSING DAYS ARE FINALLY OVER!"
*At this point Mistress Discipline walks through the door, looking very put out.*
"Chaos, this had BETTER be good. Did you know there are no Bed Bath and Beyond anymore? How am I to fix the results of the incident without-"
*Chaos just taps her shoulder and points to the disgusting loaf of man that is DT in his chair. She looks at him, recoils in horror, looks at his screen and then-*
"Oh bless your heart …"
*She turns back to Chaos*
"This qualifies."
*She stalks closer to DT.*
"HUSBAND!"
"LOOK HON! I’m finally winning. I’m the greetest!"
"Oh no, a Futurama reference."
*She clears her throat*
"Husband, you are more … valuable … outside of your Tetris abilities. So ... Why?"
"I spent 47 hours trying to perfect the “2 week” game, but some crafty teenager named ‘RuffRuffPewPew’ kept interfering with my greatness-"
"Oh for the love of-"
*Chaos begins tapping away at her phone*
"I got so close to winning. I came in 100th … out of 100!"
"Okay but … WHY?"
*She begins to get exasperated. She gestures out to him inquisitively*
"You are an accomplished wrestler and a talented driver-"
"Eeeehhhhhhhh"
"VERY talented wrestler, and my husband. There is already a lot on your plate. Focus on the things that require your attention, and not these distractions. Also sleep, get some sleep."
*DT looks at his table*
"Actually Funaki ate all my pizza rolls, my plate is empty."
*Chaos shakes her head.*
"Oh my dog…"
"Eating is important. Right now sleep seems to be more important. Did you see I changed the sheets? I chose lilac, they are supposed to be soothing."
"I haven’t been to bed. The nightmares of losing, all I see … so I’ve been trying to win something to get my mojo back!"
"How about showering? You could win at that!"
*MD snaps around at her friend*
"NOT IN MY BATHROOM HE MAY NOT!"
"Pfft, I am not tired, and I smell FIIIIINE!"
*Funaki walks next to him to grab more food as DT lifts his arms to show this fact. Funaki faints face first into the habañero salsa. Mistress slowly raises her arms and puts them on top of DT’s and lowers them back to his sides.*
"Chaos, grab the hose"
"Eep."
*Death Trap stands in the foyer, dripping dry with a towel around his naughty bits. He looks peppy.*
"Nothing like a cold shower to focus your energy, I am ready to confront the next challenge."
*He begins to walk back to his gaming set up, stepping over Funaki, who is writhing on the floor scratching at his eyes*
"CHAOS GRAB THE MILK! THE MILK!"
"You are NOT wasting my cashew milk, you can suffer for not taking better care of her husband."
*Mistress reaches out to grab DT, and pulls him back, using her other hand to keep his towel decent.*
"NO! The time for games has ended! You know what you can do in that ring. It is time to show THEM you still can do it! After your nap."
"Hold on hold on, let me get my phone. Say a few lines before bed."
"You know Mongo frowns upon shirtless promos ever since Jeffrey Viper debuted right?"
"Viper doesn’t have your abs!"
"FINE, say a few lines before bed. NOW! Go!"
"… This has been the hardest half a year of my career. Not life. No the ten years I lost to my head injuries were far worse. Nothing could eclipse that horror. But this, professionally, is the worst stretch of my life. Six months … forced into racing … my only victories being concussing a ninety year old man, and somehow beating one of the men I have to fight in the first round. I don’t suppose there’s going to be a pity parade for me. It’s not like I haven’t lived up to the status as a legend. And everyone loves to pile on the guy down on his luck."
"If the words eight men and a crooked ref pass your lips, mister …"
*DT gulps and adjusts his towel. He tries to anyway, Mistress’s hand is still right in the middle holding it in place. Surely that’s why her hand is there.*
"Even now, I am in a compromising position. I just … I don’t know how to handle THIS level of failure. Even in the old days I’d eke out wins here and there to keep my morale up while I struggled back to the top. But here I am in a fed with no titles. Here I am putting on the worst performance of anyone in a tournament in the fed I helped get off the ground. Here I am losing races to a team run by a child or a team run by a mad scientist or a team run by Greg fucking Adkins… HE DRUNK DROVE AND BEAT ME!"
*DT sighs and pulls the towel away from MD and steps off camera. He arrives back on scene in his wrestling tights.*
"This tournament was not on my radar. Not until I got my groove back. But Mary just threw me into it. And I don’t have it in me to not show up and put on a show for the fans, even if I end up on my back … watching Jack Diamond move on. It’s SO frustrating. I should be the favorite to win this. I have won before! I have held the X*Crown TWICE. And yet … I couldn’t take it back from Fox."
*DT sits on the couch looking dejected, depressed, and miserable.*
"And now this is my only chance to rectify that. Fuck Fox. He wants to go down in infamy. Fuck him. Once more into the breach. Once more, putting on the main attraction of the evening. Once more, doing the impossible, doing the unexpected, doing what has to be done. And I question if I still have it in me to bring it the way I need to."
"Ya know you don’t actually need to BEAT Jack Diamond, right?"
"What? Is it not still one on one matches?"
"Four person matches with 2 people advancing. You could just beat Layla Lavoie or King Edmund IV."
*DT looks confused*
"Uh … who? Wait … they changed the format since I won? Hold the phone this is … this is ok! I don’t need to WIN, I can just not lose! I can come in second and still break this slump without having to get completely out of this rut. And that will give me the momentum I can ride to the top."
"Well … that is at least progress on this depression. Now if we can just talk about my bathroom and how you plan to-"
*DT stands up with a jolt, knocking into the table and spilling Doctor Pepper onto Funaki.*
"OH GOD THAT MADE IT WORSE!"
*Chaos kicks him in the ribs*
"HUSH! My client is working right now, sir!"
*DT seems full of energy for the first time in months.*
"Alright. I can advance, then I can win my way to the top, then … dethrone Fox. I can finish what I started. I can make him regret what he tried to do to you, hon!"
"Focus on the task at hand, first!"
"Layla! I really have no clue who you are. When you’re as experienced and … well old … as I am you tend to let some small things fall through the cracks. I am sure you are a fantastic stunt double. But, look, you understand. I need this. I … NEEEEEEED … this. If I fail out here … I don’t know what will happen to me. I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. See I still have a bunch in the tank. I’m not ready to fade into the sunset. So it’s nothing personal … but … I’m going to be a roadblock in your journey out of WCW to 2023."
"I don’t think it’s the same WC-"
*DT frantically gets closer to the camera phone in her hands, she staggers back a bit*
"Edmund! You are a disgusting, vile human being. And … I don’t think Supremia actually exists. There I said it. I was an A student in geography and I never heard of it before you had an army attack the rumble that one time. Frankly, I’m not scared of your big oaf. I make a habit of choking out big ugly dudes. Wait …"
"*sigh* Phrasing, honey."
"And Jack. A legend. Look man, I have all the respect in the world for you. You and I should go on to do great things in this tourney. But … you couldn’t beat me at my lowest. You couldn’t outperform Sticky the clown. I think Poena has really done a number on you and maybe you should take some time off, run your company, and recover. You deserve better than all this shit Cross has put you through. He gives us Italians a bad name. But see, you are riding in off a legendary title run. I am coming off a six month losing streak. I am coming off a YEAR of being a tag team wrestler first. I … NEED … this. Once more. Just once more man. I just … I just …"
*He trails off, tears in his eyes*
"None of you in this tournament… understand. Where I am coming from. None of you could. You either never had the highs I’ve had or you never hit the lows I’m at. I need to get the real ME back … Jack. And I know one other person goes on and I want it to be you so we can meet up one on one in the semis. But … I … NEED this. You are DTF, I am not."
"Not what my mistress says!"
"Look, you three are fine wrestlers. But I am a legend. I … I need to find the real me again. I need to win. No if’s and’s or but’s. And I will do what I have to … to make it happen. I … neeeeeeed …"
*He trails off with tears in his eyes. He then yawns. Mistress grabs him to escort him to bed.*
"You NEEEEEEEEED sleep. To bed! Now!"
*DT curls into his bed with a yawn, pulling up the lilac sheet.*
"Would you like me to hold you until you fall asleep?"
"No I don’t need a sleeper hold."
*Chaos’s phone dings*
"I just got a text from Sarah in her bedroom. She says she wants Death Trap to log back in to Fortnite, it’s more fun sniping him out of the gate than actually playing with people…"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT! BED! NOW!"
*Chaos steps back in shock as DT cowers into his bed*
