The Plan for Florida Man (BOB2)
Oct 1, 2023 16:16:10 GMT -5
flo and "The High Roller" Wesley Crane like this
Post by Rage and Cage on Oct 1, 2023 16:16:10 GMT -5
Rage: Did you see this bullshit?!
Woke Wesley Rage looks at his phone in disbelief inside Rage and Cage’s suite at Wesley Crane’s casino. His brother walks into the living room.
Cage: What?
Rage: We have a tag title match against Epcot Mafia at Battle of Britain 2!
Cage: Nice!
Rage: No! Not nice! Did you watch Legacy?
Cage: The TV was on. I was on the couch,bbbbuuuuuuuuuttttttttt I was pretty high. I guess I maybe watched it.
Rage: It ended with the Oblivion Death Squad winning the XHF Tag Team Titles. The biggest tag belts are now in WUK. Were we offered the spot given to ODS? NO! Were we selected as the first opponents for ODS? NO! We get to face shitty Marty Donovan and shitty Florida Man for the shitty second rate WUK Tag Team Titles!
Cage: That’s shitty!
Rage: Exactly!
Cage: So are we going to try to win at the BOB?
Rage: Yes. I’m pissed off about the disrespect, but we’re fucking up the Epcot Mafia! We’re doing them in a favor. Florida Man needs to be in rehab.
Cage takes a hit from his vape pen.
Cage: It’s real sad when people get addicted to something.
Rage: Florida Man is a walking stereotype. He’s not even ashamed of it! The world gets worse when we have stereotypes. There are sane, decent people in Florida. I mean, there are fewer in Miami-Dade county than there used to be, but there are some!
Cage: Yeah, at least 47.9%!
Rage: Probably lower after the new voting laws. Anyway, we’re done sitting back and letting Florida Man hold a tag team title. The man bowls, Nic. Bowls!
Cage: Hey, we have that in common!
Rage: Not that kind of bowl! It’s a flyover county “sport”. If you drew a Venn diagram of bowlers and hwite people who like people of color, you’d get two separate circles!
Cage: Oooooooooo! You think Florida Man will bring a ball into the ring?
Rage: He’ll try to use his balls to go hardcore on us, but we can fight dirty, too! I’ll bring a pin to the ring and swing it like a club!
Cage: No, dude! Hit him in the balls with the pin!
Rage: Nice.
Cage: Nice.
Rage: Niiiiiiiiice!
Cage: Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!
Rage: NIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!
Cage: Nice…n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nice!
Rage: Nice.
Cage: Nice.
Rage: Did you know Florida Man travels with a bag of soil from Florida?
Cage: Bro, I got you! I’ll steal it like I stole the Declaration of Independence.
Rage: If anyone can do it, it’s you!
Cage: Bro, it’s already done…except for actually doing it.
Rage: Once we capture the mystical source of Florida Man’s power, the Epcot Mafia will fall!
Cage: So once I get the Florida dirt, do I inherit the power of Florida Man?
Rage: You just may.
Cage: Bad ass! Beer won’t have any effect on me! I’ll know how to wrestle alligators! I’ll know how to best prepare iguana to make it delicious!
Rage: You’ll also want to hang out with Disney’s Own Marty Donovan, so you can’t give in to the dirt.
Cage: Don’t worry, I won’t hang out with DOMD! Even if he can get me into DisneyWorld for free! Even if he lets me drive the Jungle Cruise! Even if he lets me smoke up, then watch the fireworks! Even if he gets me service at California Grill…
Rage: Bro, you’re in a Florida spiral!
Cage: Oh shit!
Cage hits the vape pen again and is fine.
Cage: I’m good. I can still get the Florida Man Dirt!
Rage: Maybe wear some gloves and PPE when handling it. Just talking about it almost made you turn Florida.
Cage: Don’t worry, I’ll hire a crew and get someone from Florida to handle the Dirt, so they’ll have some natural immunity.
Rage: That’s smart.
Cage: Does it destroy Florida Man immediately or does he slowly weaken over time?
Rage: I don’t know. I’m not into mysticism. I assume he gets weaker as he leaves Florida without some connection to the state.
Cage: So he’ll look like a normal guy by Battle of Britain?
Rage: He could. He might go full white bread with a Polo shirt and a cell phone holder on his belt.
Cage: The Anti-Florida Man!
Rage: He’s still problematic, but it’s progress.
Cage: If I don’t get the dirt, we need to find an Anti-Florida Man and bring him to the show!
Rage: Where would we find this Anti-Florida Man?
Cage: Internet?
Rage: You can take the lead on that one.
Cage: I won’t let you down!
Cage whips out his phone.
Cage: You know what? Let’s let AI handle this. I’ll ask ChatGPT to build me an Anti-Florida Man.
Rage: So, what’d it say?
Cage: It takes time….it’s done! Hmmm…it didn’t find one person, but gave us some traits to look for.
Rage: Like?
Cage: Resides in the Midwest. Iowa and Minnesota are listed as states to search. We’re looking for a teetotaler without a criminal record. He’s an older man who listens to reruns of Prairie Home Companion.
Rage: I don’t know what half of those words mean.
Cage: Stupid AI!
Cage presses a few buttons.
Cage: I just deleted the app to show ChatGPT that we’re mad at it.
Rage: What does that do?
Cage: It’s AI! It has to know that I deleted it. It’ll figure out why and beg my forgiveness!
Rage: Okay…I don’t want to go to Iowa.
Cage: Minnesota legalized weed, so I could go there. I’ve heard they’re polite and helpful.
Rage: Maybe outside of the pigs in Minneapolis.
Cage: So the Dirt of Florida and Anti-Florida Man? Sounds like we got a plan. What about DOMD?
Rage: We’ll deal with him later.
Woke Wesley Rage looks at his phone in disbelief inside Rage and Cage’s suite at Wesley Crane’s casino. His brother walks into the living room.
Cage: What?
Rage: We have a tag title match against Epcot Mafia at Battle of Britain 2!
Cage: Nice!
Rage: No! Not nice! Did you watch Legacy?
Cage: The TV was on. I was on the couch,bbbbuuuuuuuuuttttttttt I was pretty high. I guess I maybe watched it.
Rage: It ended with the Oblivion Death Squad winning the XHF Tag Team Titles. The biggest tag belts are now in WUK. Were we offered the spot given to ODS? NO! Were we selected as the first opponents for ODS? NO! We get to face shitty Marty Donovan and shitty Florida Man for the shitty second rate WUK Tag Team Titles!
Cage: That’s shitty!
Rage: Exactly!
Cage: So are we going to try to win at the BOB?
Rage: Yes. I’m pissed off about the disrespect, but we’re fucking up the Epcot Mafia! We’re doing them in a favor. Florida Man needs to be in rehab.
Cage takes a hit from his vape pen.
Cage: It’s real sad when people get addicted to something.
Rage: Florida Man is a walking stereotype. He’s not even ashamed of it! The world gets worse when we have stereotypes. There are sane, decent people in Florida. I mean, there are fewer in Miami-Dade county than there used to be, but there are some!
Cage: Yeah, at least 47.9%!
Rage: Probably lower after the new voting laws. Anyway, we’re done sitting back and letting Florida Man hold a tag team title. The man bowls, Nic. Bowls!
Cage: Hey, we have that in common!
Rage: Not that kind of bowl! It’s a flyover county “sport”. If you drew a Venn diagram of bowlers and hwite people who like people of color, you’d get two separate circles!
Cage: Oooooooooo! You think Florida Man will bring a ball into the ring?
Rage: He’ll try to use his balls to go hardcore on us, but we can fight dirty, too! I’ll bring a pin to the ring and swing it like a club!
Cage: No, dude! Hit him in the balls with the pin!
Rage: Nice.
Cage: Nice.
Rage: Niiiiiiiiice!
Cage: Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!
Rage: NIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!
Cage: Nice…n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nice!
Rage: Nice.
Cage: Nice.
Rage: Did you know Florida Man travels with a bag of soil from Florida?
Cage: Bro, I got you! I’ll steal it like I stole the Declaration of Independence.
Rage: If anyone can do it, it’s you!
Cage: Bro, it’s already done…except for actually doing it.
Rage: Once we capture the mystical source of Florida Man’s power, the Epcot Mafia will fall!
Cage: So once I get the Florida dirt, do I inherit the power of Florida Man?
Rage: You just may.
Cage: Bad ass! Beer won’t have any effect on me! I’ll know how to wrestle alligators! I’ll know how to best prepare iguana to make it delicious!
Rage: You’ll also want to hang out with Disney’s Own Marty Donovan, so you can’t give in to the dirt.
Cage: Don’t worry, I won’t hang out with DOMD! Even if he can get me into DisneyWorld for free! Even if he lets me drive the Jungle Cruise! Even if he lets me smoke up, then watch the fireworks! Even if he gets me service at California Grill…
Rage: Bro, you’re in a Florida spiral!
Cage: Oh shit!
Cage hits the vape pen again and is fine.
Cage: I’m good. I can still get the Florida Man Dirt!
Rage: Maybe wear some gloves and PPE when handling it. Just talking about it almost made you turn Florida.
Cage: Don’t worry, I’ll hire a crew and get someone from Florida to handle the Dirt, so they’ll have some natural immunity.
Rage: That’s smart.
Cage: Does it destroy Florida Man immediately or does he slowly weaken over time?
Rage: I don’t know. I’m not into mysticism. I assume he gets weaker as he leaves Florida without some connection to the state.
Cage: So he’ll look like a normal guy by Battle of Britain?
Rage: He could. He might go full white bread with a Polo shirt and a cell phone holder on his belt.
Cage: The Anti-Florida Man!
Rage: He’s still problematic, but it’s progress.
Cage: If I don’t get the dirt, we need to find an Anti-Florida Man and bring him to the show!
Rage: Where would we find this Anti-Florida Man?
Cage: Internet?
Rage: You can take the lead on that one.
Cage: I won’t let you down!
Cage whips out his phone.
Cage: You know what? Let’s let AI handle this. I’ll ask ChatGPT to build me an Anti-Florida Man.
Rage: So, what’d it say?
Cage: It takes time….it’s done! Hmmm…it didn’t find one person, but gave us some traits to look for.
Rage: Like?
Cage: Resides in the Midwest. Iowa and Minnesota are listed as states to search. We’re looking for a teetotaler without a criminal record. He’s an older man who listens to reruns of Prairie Home Companion.
Rage: I don’t know what half of those words mean.
Cage: Stupid AI!
Cage presses a few buttons.
Cage: I just deleted the app to show ChatGPT that we’re mad at it.
Rage: What does that do?
Cage: It’s AI! It has to know that I deleted it. It’ll figure out why and beg my forgiveness!
Rage: Okay…I don’t want to go to Iowa.
Cage: Minnesota legalized weed, so I could go there. I’ve heard they’re polite and helpful.
Rage: Maybe outside of the pigs in Minneapolis.
Cage: So the Dirt of Florida and Anti-Florida Man? Sounds like we got a plan. What about DOMD?
Rage: We’ll deal with him later.