Post by flo on Oct 9, 2023 13:23:35 GMT -5
Disneyland.
Specifically the Pirate's Lair on Tom Sawyer Island.
Wood gives way, as Florida Man and his faithful lawyer, Gazoo - the dwarf painted green - break apart pieces of the hideout in search of copper wire. Shoving fistfuls of the metal into a burlap sack, the gator-faced luchador looks up at the camera with a toothy grin.
Florida Man:
Rage. Cage. You know, when the Epcot Mafia first set foot in the United Kingdom...
Gazoo (looking up from breaking the leg off a chair):
It was New York-
Florida Man (shrug):
Lower Florida... when we signed up for the Revolution, I figured for sure that you'd be the team to send us pickity packing from that tournament. Far as I was concerned, as home teams went - you were the odds on favourite to win the whole dang thing. Should have been tag champs a year earlier - except apparently The Bastards have better personalities than yourselves. Not saying you could beat us in a fair fight - but between fast counts, or High Roller interference, you'd have found a dang way. ....only you didn't. We did to the Glucks what you could only do with a LOT of help. Then to compound things... we owned you again in War Games. Top contenders? To me this seems more like charity. Congratulations Rage, Cage, on your affirmative action...
The fort's door swings open.
Marty Donovan:
Oh, it's just you.
Looking for copper, Gazoo breaks open one of the plastic skeletons.
Florida Man:
I was just telling Rage & Cage, we special guest stars can't drop the belts until we've had our celebration party-
Marty Donovan:
.....Security had reports of looters, but if its just you two - I'll be on my way.
The Epcot Mafia leader looks genuinely touched. It might be the mask.
Florida Man:
Marty... you'd be our accomplice, pal?
Marty Donovan (turning to leave):
No. If I took you in, I'd probably have to admit to knowing you. Just leave the lair exteriors alone.
Florida Man (taken aback by his BFF's cold tone):
Something bothering you, Marty?
Marty Donovan:
No. I just have a Lorcana doubles tournament this afternoon, and Ollie can't make it.
A light bulb goes off over Florida Man's head... Gazoo may have messed up the wiring while gutting the walls.
Florida Man:
I could sit in for Ollie.
Marty Donovan (stopping):
You play Lorcana?
Florida Man (big smile, probably the mask):
Do I play Lorcana? You're only talking to the FIVE time Lorcana champion of Florida!
Disney's Own furrows his brow, then softens.
Marty Donovan:
Okay, in that case - it starts at 2 over by the Mad Tea Party.
Florida Man:
Looking forward to seeing you in Lorcana action.
Is his pathologically lying tag partner once again lying? No, being a world champion Lorcana player is just the kind of thing a Florida Man would do.
Marty Donovan:
Alright. Thanks. See you then.
With that Disney's Own exits the pirate's lair. Seconds later Gazoo removes a load bearing copper rod which sees the ceiling collapse, covering our intrepid adventures in so many plastic skeletons.
Gazoo:
Do you even know what Lorcana is, Flo?
Florida Man:
Not a clue. All good though, thanks to Bing I'm basically Harvard Man.
Gazoo:
To the internet!
SMASH CUT. The duo take their pirate copper to a broker for the kind of funds that methhead dreams are made of.
SMASH CUT. Florida Man spends all their new found wealth on a rock that has "magic" written on it. FML's financial planner gives him a thumbs up over this purchase. Gazoo is the financial planner.
SMASH CUT. Using the magic rock to shatter a car window, FML borrows the laptop inside.
SMASH CUT. Florida Man signs up for the E-University of Honolulu's Masters degree in Lorcana.
SMASH CUT. Burning the midnight oil, Florida Man thumbs through the pages of Lorcana For Dummies. Finding it dry, FML watches the movie that was made out of the book. Gazoo brings popcorn.
SMASH CUT. Florida Man's degree arrives in the e-mail.
Florida Man:
I did it, Gaz! You are looking at a MASTERS of Lorcana!
Gazoo:
Congratulations, Flo! So what is Lorcana?
Florida Man:
Not a clue.
The dwarf falls over.
Florida Man:
But like my WUK tag run, I'm just gonna wing it. How hard can it be?
SMASH CUT: The Mad Tea Party. 2 pm.
Hundreds of tables have been set up with thousands of players in attendance. Marty looks nervously through the massive crowds, before spotting his friendly neighbourhood arsonist. Florida Man signs a few autographs on his way through the card carrying sea. Eventually arriving at Marty's table - Florida Man pulls up a chair.
Marty Donovan:
I was starting to get worried.
Florida Man:
Would I bail on you, pal? Nah, I was just bolstering my diggity dang deck.
Reaching into his overalls, Florida Man produces number of cards. Elisa, Spirit of Winter. Tinker Bell, Giant Fairy. Stitch, Carefree Surfer. Jealousy creeps into Marty's eyes. These are rare pieces.... so despite appearances, it seems like Florida Man knows his stuff.
Announcer:
The first round is about to begin!
Chairs turn. The Epcot Mafia stare down their first opponents. Gavin Miller, age 9, and his younger brother, Dean.
Announcer:
And............. GO!
Gavin Miller throws down Aurora, Briar Rose.
Sweat drips down Marty's forehead, he takes this quite seriously.
Florida Man looks at Aurora, then at his own hand. He takes it all in, clearly thinking.........
.......then punches Gavin in the face.
Florida Man:
BAM!
The child falls back in his chair like a 9-year-old that has just been assaulted by a celebrated Fight Club brawler. Marty tries to plead his case to the referee, not wanting to get banned like Tinto. Unable to read a room, Florida Man proceeds to cut a promo on the unconscious child.
Florida Man:
That's how the Epcot Mafia roll! Rage. Cage. Watcha gonna do, when we use our Lorcana skills on you!
Security move in as we fade to black.
Specifically the Pirate's Lair on Tom Sawyer Island.
Wood gives way, as Florida Man and his faithful lawyer, Gazoo - the dwarf painted green - break apart pieces of the hideout in search of copper wire. Shoving fistfuls of the metal into a burlap sack, the gator-faced luchador looks up at the camera with a toothy grin.
Florida Man:
Rage. Cage. You know, when the Epcot Mafia first set foot in the United Kingdom...
Gazoo (looking up from breaking the leg off a chair):
It was New York-
Florida Man (shrug):
Lower Florida... when we signed up for the Revolution, I figured for sure that you'd be the team to send us pickity packing from that tournament. Far as I was concerned, as home teams went - you were the odds on favourite to win the whole dang thing. Should have been tag champs a year earlier - except apparently The Bastards have better personalities than yourselves. Not saying you could beat us in a fair fight - but between fast counts, or High Roller interference, you'd have found a dang way. ....only you didn't. We did to the Glucks what you could only do with a LOT of help. Then to compound things... we owned you again in War Games. Top contenders? To me this seems more like charity. Congratulations Rage, Cage, on your affirmative action...
The fort's door swings open.
Marty Donovan:
Oh, it's just you.
Looking for copper, Gazoo breaks open one of the plastic skeletons.
Florida Man:
I was just telling Rage & Cage, we special guest stars can't drop the belts until we've had our celebration party-
Marty Donovan:
.....Security had reports of looters, but if its just you two - I'll be on my way.
The Epcot Mafia leader looks genuinely touched. It might be the mask.
Florida Man:
Marty... you'd be our accomplice, pal?
Marty Donovan (turning to leave):
No. If I took you in, I'd probably have to admit to knowing you. Just leave the lair exteriors alone.
Florida Man (taken aback by his BFF's cold tone):
Something bothering you, Marty?
Marty Donovan:
No. I just have a Lorcana doubles tournament this afternoon, and Ollie can't make it.
A light bulb goes off over Florida Man's head... Gazoo may have messed up the wiring while gutting the walls.
Florida Man:
I could sit in for Ollie.
Marty Donovan (stopping):
You play Lorcana?
Florida Man (big smile, probably the mask):
Do I play Lorcana? You're only talking to the FIVE time Lorcana champion of Florida!
Disney's Own furrows his brow, then softens.
Marty Donovan:
Okay, in that case - it starts at 2 over by the Mad Tea Party.
Florida Man:
Looking forward to seeing you in Lorcana action.
Is his pathologically lying tag partner once again lying? No, being a world champion Lorcana player is just the kind of thing a Florida Man would do.
Marty Donovan:
Alright. Thanks. See you then.
With that Disney's Own exits the pirate's lair. Seconds later Gazoo removes a load bearing copper rod which sees the ceiling collapse, covering our intrepid adventures in so many plastic skeletons.
Gazoo:
Do you even know what Lorcana is, Flo?
Florida Man:
Not a clue. All good though, thanks to Bing I'm basically Harvard Man.
Gazoo:
To the internet!
SMASH CUT. The duo take their pirate copper to a broker for the kind of funds that methhead dreams are made of.
SMASH CUT. Florida Man spends all their new found wealth on a rock that has "magic" written on it. FML's financial planner gives him a thumbs up over this purchase. Gazoo is the financial planner.
SMASH CUT. Using the magic rock to shatter a car window, FML borrows the laptop inside.
SMASH CUT. Florida Man signs up for the E-University of Honolulu's Masters degree in Lorcana.
SMASH CUT. Burning the midnight oil, Florida Man thumbs through the pages of Lorcana For Dummies. Finding it dry, FML watches the movie that was made out of the book. Gazoo brings popcorn.
SMASH CUT. Florida Man's degree arrives in the e-mail.
Florida Man:
I did it, Gaz! You are looking at a MASTERS of Lorcana!
Gazoo:
Congratulations, Flo! So what is Lorcana?
Florida Man:
Not a clue.
The dwarf falls over.
Florida Man:
But like my WUK tag run, I'm just gonna wing it. How hard can it be?
SMASH CUT: The Mad Tea Party. 2 pm.
Hundreds of tables have been set up with thousands of players in attendance. Marty looks nervously through the massive crowds, before spotting his friendly neighbourhood arsonist. Florida Man signs a few autographs on his way through the card carrying sea. Eventually arriving at Marty's table - Florida Man pulls up a chair.
Marty Donovan:
I was starting to get worried.
Florida Man:
Would I bail on you, pal? Nah, I was just bolstering my diggity dang deck.
Reaching into his overalls, Florida Man produces number of cards. Elisa, Spirit of Winter. Tinker Bell, Giant Fairy. Stitch, Carefree Surfer. Jealousy creeps into Marty's eyes. These are rare pieces.... so despite appearances, it seems like Florida Man knows his stuff.
Announcer:
The first round is about to begin!
Chairs turn. The Epcot Mafia stare down their first opponents. Gavin Miller, age 9, and his younger brother, Dean.
Announcer:
And............. GO!
Gavin Miller throws down Aurora, Briar Rose.
Sweat drips down Marty's forehead, he takes this quite seriously.
Florida Man looks at Aurora, then at his own hand. He takes it all in, clearly thinking.........
.......then punches Gavin in the face.
Florida Man:
BAM!
The child falls back in his chair like a 9-year-old that has just been assaulted by a celebrated Fight Club brawler. Marty tries to plead his case to the referee, not wanting to get banned like Tinto. Unable to read a room, Florida Man proceeds to cut a promo on the unconscious child.
Florida Man:
That's how the Epcot Mafia roll! Rage. Cage. Watcha gonna do, when we use our Lorcana skills on you!
Security move in as we fade to black.