Post by Jonnie Valentine on Oct 13, 2023 3:38:37 GMT -5
The shot opens on a wild Palm Springs crowd holding up signs that say “Punish Cross”, “I’m A Cruise Dude”, “The Annoying”, a woman dressed as Rin Kubo with a sign that says “Rin’s Twin!”, one fan holds up a surfboard, signifying his love of Simon Cruise. Other signs say “The Sheik and The Man With No Physique”,“Hardkore World…Say It”, “Florida Man Stole My Catalytic Converter”, “Nobody’s Fan”, “El Rey Has A Punchable Face”, “Phil’s Luau Sucked”, “Dan The Man”, “This Is The End”, A little toddler holding a sign that says “I’m A Little Dragon” while his mom holds up a sign that says “The Danimal”! A beach ball bounced around by Simon Cruise fans keeps the crowd lively. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. fades out to Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans, and we are back here in Palm Springs! The home base!
Phillip Blauer: The place that has my picture up at all the tanning salons asking the employees to notify police immediately!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m Guillermo O’Bannon, along with Phil Blauer and Hardkore Fashion reporter Yolanda Ando. After our blockbuster show with JROK in Hawaii, we’re back in the continental US, back in Palm Springs…
Phillip Blauer: And back to days so hot, your phone overheats in an air conditioned car.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our main event here tonight is a big one! Cross Recoba, after defeating JROK Visual Kai Champion Brendan Harding in a Two out of Three Falls match, will take on the undefeated former Hardkore World Champion “The Punisher” Dan Stein.
Phillip Blauer: Pardon my french, but that’s redonkulous. You can’t become a number one contender on an operating table. You can’t just waltz in here with your big stick and tell everyone you’re the number one contender.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You tell him.
Phillip Blauer: Well…I can’t do everything around here. I already…plan the company picnic.
Yolanda Ando: That gets canceled every year.
Phillip Blauer: Because we’re in Ireland for most of the summer!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s going on at this year’s picnic?
Phillip Blauer: It’s canceled.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then we have to clean the place up a bit, because XHF is visiting! XHF Junior Heavyweight Zoran Sainovic, after defeating Lord Dominicus in Houston at Wrestle: UK’s Showdown In Texas, Sainovic comes to the West Coast to take on former champion El Rey.
Phillip Blauer: El Rey should have never lost that title in the first place. Like with many other things, Palm Springs will be a place for healing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok. These two have quite a history, going back to last year’s End of Days and El Rey’s attempted treachery. Zoran Sainovic making his second appearance in Hardkore World after his match with Marty in February. We’ll see if it’s a successful one.
“Time to Rock and Roll” plays and “The Canadian Beauty” Latoya Hixx comes out pointing her one finger in the air
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here is the newest member of the Hardkore Women’s division! She has held the women’s championship in PWC and ECWF, and was Intercontinental Women’s Champion for SGW.
Phillip Blauer: What was she pointing to up there? Are we being recorded??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes?
Latoya Hixx walks down the aisle and high fives some fans of hers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Latoya Hixx is an accomplished veteran with quite a tall order for her first match in Hardkore World, taking on two time Hardkore Women’s Champion, and a 25 year veteran Ri Eun-Ae. However, this is not her first big match, and if anyone can score an upset, it’s her.
Hixx gets inside of the ring and climbs up on the top rope. She does the one finger and raises it up in mid air. She gets down and her music dies down as she waits for her opponent to arrive
Greg Jin: “Hello Ladies and Gentleman, and welcome back to Hardkore Hall!”
The Palm Springs fans roar and start a chant of “HARDKORE WORLD! HARDKORE WORLD! HARDKORE WORLD!” while Greg Jin smiles along
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Toronto, Ontario, Canada; Standing 5 feet 4 inches tall; Weighing 125 pounds…’THE CANADIAN BEAUTY’ LATOYA HIXX!!!”
The audience pops as "Adrenaline" by Rosetta Stone plays and the fans jump to their feet! Ri Eun-Ae walks out giving the fans a peace sign
Phillip Blauer: Two? Two what? Latoya indicated she only wanted one of whatever she wants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae, the former Makoto Jupiter, made her return at the JROK show in Maui in the fourway match to decide the new Hardkore Women’s Champion. Rin Kubo came out the winner in that one, and now Ri hopes to win this and get into contention for the next shot against the champ.
Ri Eun-Ae slaps fans hands as they pat her on the back, and even hugs a few familiar Palm Springs fans that have watched her since 1998
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Ri Eun-Ae was in Palm Springs was nearly twenty years ago, October 12, 2004 when she lost her Hardkore Women’s Championship to Xyrynth in a fourway with and Darlene, Phoenix "The Killer Geisha".
Phillip Blauer: Ah, Darlene. She broke every glass we had backstage when she thought she was shorted on her match check. (chuckles) We sure learned to keep our hooch in thermoses that run, am I right?
Guillermo O’Bannon: She broke the mug my daughter made me that said World’s Greatest Daddy.
Phillip Blauer: Well, Darlene didn’t like liars. Especially mugs that lie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: has been training hard for this moment, and appears more focused than her friend Tuxedo Mask is.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, so we won’t have to wake her up when her theme music starts?
Eun-Ae climbs to the top turnbuckle and backflips into the ring to pop the crowd! She goes to a split and gives them another peace sign as Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a tight close up
Phillip Blauer: We get it, she’s pretty. Isn’t there more important news we could focus on? I hear Greg’s adopting.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is that true?
Phillip Blauer: No, but I heard it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is a second chance for Ri Eun-Ae and she is not letting it go to waste. Unfortunately she is in the ring with a decorated veteran, Latoya Hixx.
Greg Jun: “And her opponent is from Olympia, Washington; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 148 pounds…RI EUN-AE!!!”
The Palm Springs fans erupt as Ri Eun-Ae yells “Yeah!” while throwing up the peace sign
Ri Eun-Ae vs. "The Canadian Beauty" Latoya Hixx[hr]
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson signals for the bell and Eun-Ae and Hixx circle one another
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Canadian Beauty” Latoya Hixx goes in to lock up, but Ri backs her off with a left palm thrust to the nose.
A dazed Latoya Hixx backs off, backpedaling as she tries to regain her wits. Eun-Ae moves in for the kill but Hixx backs her off with reverse knife edge chop. A second ont gets a “Woo!” out of the crows
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hixx with another blistering chop to the chest of Ri. Eun-Ae responds with another shotei palm strike to the face.
Latoya Hixx tries for another chop but Ri Eun-Ae twists Hixx’s arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae gives Hixx’s arm another twist.
Phillip Blauer: One more and she could pop her elbow out of the socket.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae begins battering the back of Hixx’s head with kicks while holding on to her twisted arm!
Acrisure Arena starts to counting along as Ri Eun-Ae whacks Hixx with kicks to the back of the head and shoulders
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT!
NINE!
TEN!
Guillermo O’Bannon: A dazed Latoya Hixx falls to the mat!
Hardkore Hall shouts “COMBO!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae irish whips Hixx into the ropes, but Latoya comes back with a bicycle kick to the chest!
The fans cheer. Latoya Hixx pulls Ri Eun-Ae up to her feet by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Canadian Beauty” Latoya Hixx runs to the middle of the ring with a one handed bulldog!
Latoya Hixx crouches in to the corner, waiting for Ri Eun-Ae to get back to her feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hixx charges in with a clothesline, but Ri catches her around the head, and flips her into a bridging head and arm suplex!
ONE!
Latoya Hixx rolls her shoulder up!
Ri Eun-Ae irish whips throw “The Canadian Beauty” Latoya Hixx into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun Ae uses those long legs to choke Hixx with her boot, Nash style.
Phil attaches a headband with a GoPro camera
Phillip Blauer: Tonight, I take you guys inside the ring with my newest feature Phil In The Blanks!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, that is a bad idea and an even worse title…
Phillip Blauer: It’s so much easier to tear down than it is to build something, Ganja.
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. switches to Phil’s GoPro view. Phil gets up on the apron and walks over to Ri Eun-Ae, who is continuing to choke Latoya Hixx while Richie Richardson lays in the count
Phillip Blauer: Excuse me, Mako. A moment of your time.
Ri Eun-Ae: (grunting) I’m a little busy right now, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: No one’s ever too busy for journalism, except for me when I want to take a steam instead. So how’s it feel to be back? Do they still have that easy to jimmy lock in the girl’s locker room here?
Latoya pushes the distracted Eun-Ae’s leg away and grabs her around the neck from behind. Phil rolls his eyes and returns back to the announce position
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Canadian Beauty” Latoya Hixx now standing on the second turnbuckle, lifting Ri Eun-Ae off her feet in the rear naked choke! (sees Phil put his headset on) Way to go, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: How is this my fault? Blame the media’s obsession with gotcha journalism.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae gets back to her feet, grabs Hixx’s arm and flips her over her shoulder to the mat below!
Ri Eun-Ae scoops Hixx up and steps on the bottom rope. Then she shows her awesome leg power by standing on the second rope, and then backflips into a moonsault powerslam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Supreme Thunder Crash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Latoya Hixx kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae lifts Hixx up into a suplex, then flips her out into a flatliner! Implant Thunder!!
The crowd cheers and she motions for them to get up, and they happily oblige.
Phillip Blauer: My next question was going to be to try and crack the code of her moves. Is it like Foxtrot Charlie?
Ri Eun-Ae presses Latoya Hixx over her head and gives her three military presses and then drops her into a tiltawhirl backbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: And a Jupiter Thunder Dragon!!
…ONE
…TWO
…THREE!!!
“Adrenaline” by Rosetta Stone plays and Ri Eun-Ae hops to her feet with her arm in the air
Greg Jin: “At 8 minutes 2 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…RI EUN-AE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae dispatches with Latoya Hixx with her sights set on the Hardkore Women’s Champion Rin Kubo, to try and win back the championship she has won twice.
Ri Eun-Ae slaps the fans hands as she walks to the back and signs some autographs
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis plays and the Palm Springs fans jump to their feet for the first non dark match of the night. “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our first of a few grudge matches of the evening, Callum Cornwall lost his Hardkore California title to “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023. Little Horse was a last minute replacement after Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen had his ribs injured in San Jose.
Phillip Blauer: The old adage is to make sure the replacement was better than what was advertised, and buddy? Check mate.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was Callum Cornwall’s first loss, and he has been in a bit of a funk ever since.
Phillip Blauer: These millennials fold like a shirt at the first sign of struggle. Move back in with Mummy and try your hand at professional video game yelling.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think he’s too young to be a millennial.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t ask me, I’m from the Pepsi Generation.
Yolanda Ando: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall wears simple wrestling boots and black tights that have tentacles painted on them in gold.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Callum has had weeks to train for the also former Hardkore California Champion “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse, so no surprises tonight. Cornwall wants to avenge this loss to hopefully get back into contention and get his Hardkore California Championship back.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Salford in the United Kingdom; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
The fans pop as Cornwall waves his flag.
Then “Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the cheers turn to jeers boo. Mary Yellowbird leads the way as “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse comes dancing down the ramp to show off
Phillip Blauer: You see? Something was off before. Joey’s concerned with both sexy dancing, and wrestling. He needed someone to focus his two loves, and I think that big Indian girl is the one to do it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird recently wrestled Hardkore Women’s Champion Rin Kubo for the title in Waikiki, now lending her support and advice to Joey Little Horse as he attempts to get his Hardkore California title back from Florida Man. He says if Callum can beat him, that might put him in line for a title shot against Florida.
Phillip Blauer: I say we ban that pervert Kevin Valentine Jr. from interviewing people while they change.
Yolanda Ando: Joey Little Horse wears a small loin cloth with yellow trunks underneath.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by Mary Yellowbird; From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
The Palm Springs audience boos while Joey gyrates for them
“El Exotico” Joey Little Horse vs. “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and Little Horse and Callum Cornwall lock up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall grabs him in a side headlock. He cranks the headlock, and twists his neck to the side.
Little Horse slips his head out and grabs Cornwall by the hair, using it to snap mare him to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse grabs a front facelock. He locks his hands together, clamping down on his throat.
Joey Little Horse starts shaking his butt a little, getting the Palm Springs crowd to boo
Phillip Blauer: Yeah! Shake your teepee!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil!
Phillip Blauer: Hasn’t his people suffered enough without your chastising me for enjoying his sexy, sexy dancing?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, I’m not sure. Little Horse converts it into a reverse chinlock. He’s on one knee, grinding that chinlock against Cornwall’s jawline.
Little Horse flattens out his body to put more pressure on the back of Squid’s head. The fans start clapping in support of Cornwall
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall using the energy of the 11,000 people here at Acrisure Arena to fight his way to his feet while Joey hangs on to the reverse chinlock!
Callum Cornwall elbows Little Horse in the gut, and then rocks him with a european uppercut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Squid comes off the ropes with a running european uppercut. He shoots Little Horse into the ropes and catches him with a leg lariat!
The fans cheer and Cornwall applies a spinning toehold. He grabs hold of Little Horse’s foot and gives it a second spin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse grabs Cornwall’s head and pulls him down into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall first to his feet but runs into a kneelift by Joey Little Horse. He takes over with a chicken wing.
Hardkore Hall boos as Joey Little Horse pulls up on Squid’s wrist, trying to hyperextend his elbow. Little Horse gives them a little hip swivel as Mary Yellowbird yells words of encouragement from the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse hoping to wear down that arm and soften it up for the Indian Standoff. But Squid does a go behind and counters with a full nelson. Cornwall converts it into a dragon suplex!
…ONE!
…Joey Little Horse rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall grabs a sleeper hold on Little Horse. He clamps down on it, trying to sap the energy of the Native American early on here.
Kelly O’Connell checks in but Joey Little Horse refuses to give up. Mary Yellowbird calls it a choke and tells Kelly to check it
Phillip Blauer: You just can’t beat good managerial advice like that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse drops down into a jawbreaker to escape the sleeper hold! He slaps Cornwall’s chest with a palm strike, and another one that rings through Hardkore Hall!
Little Horse irish whips Cornwall into the turnbuckles, then follows him in with a clothesline
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse applies a stomach claw while “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall is in the corner.
Kelly O’Connell tells Joey Little Horse to get Cornwall out of the corner, and gives him a five count to do so
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse grabs him in a front facelock and climbs to the second turnbuckle. He hops off with a tornado DDT!
The crowd jeers and Joey Little Horse does a little war dance for them and the boos get louder
Phillip Blauer: What is wrong with these people? Do they not like the casinos?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! Joey sticks his knees into Cornwall’s back and rolls him up into a bow and arrow!
Callum Cornwall cries out in pain, as Joey bends him in half across his knees. Kelly O’Connell checks in with Squid, but he valiantly refuses to submit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse continues to try and break Squid’s back with the bow and arrow, but he’s getting nowhere, so he finally releases him. He scoops him up for a bodyslam, but Cornwall gives him a small package on the way down!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey gets up but walks right into a pele kick from Callum Cornwall that catches him right between the eyes!
The fans cheer. Squid picks him up on his shoulders and gives him a rolling fireman’s carry slam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall butterflies Little Horse’s arms and then snap double underhook suplexes him across the ring!
Callum Cornwall comes over and rocks Joey Little Horse with an elbow shot to the jaw. Little Horse responds with a tomahawk chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Squid hits back with a european uppercut, and Joey Little Horse hits him with a forearm to the jaw.
Squid blasts him with another elbow, and Joey cracks him with a right hook to the jaw
Phillip Blauer: Someone call the zoo! A fistfight has broken out between a squid and a little horse!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse takes over with a flurry of punches, backing Cornwall into the ropes. He irish whips him into the other side and tiltawhirl suplexes him!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse applies a nerve hold to the carotid artery in between Squid’s neck and shoulder.
The Palm Springs fans boo. Kelly O’Connell asks Squid if he wants to give up, but she doesn’t get an answer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell tests Callum Cornwall’s arm. He keeps it up, and the match continues!
The Acrisure Arena starts clapping faster and faster to root on The Salford Squid. He begins to wake up and shake his head, trying to wipe out the cobwebs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall on one knee now, and rocks an elbow into Little Horse’s stomach. Another one frees him from the nerve hold! He flips Joey Little Horse into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall grabs Little Horse’s legs and rolls him over into a boston crab! He pulls back on his legs, bending his spine into a C!
Mary Yellowbird yells instructions from ringside, while Kelly O’Connell looks for the tap out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse grabs Squid’s boot, and hooks his ankle. He tucks and rolls until he is on top with a single leg boston crab!
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos as Mary Yellowbird applauds on the outside, proud of her advice. Joey Little Horse sits back on the half crab, trying to break Squid’s knee
Phillip Blauer: Would you look at that? Mary Yellowbird in the clutch.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse converts it into an Indian deathlock! He leans back on Callum Cornwall’s twisted legs, pushing off the mat to gain more leverage.
Callum Cornwall crawls over and hooks the bottom rope. Kelly O’Connell forces Joey Little Horse to release the indian deathlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” applies a ¾ nelson and drops him on his head with a t-bone suplex!
Joey Little Horse does his war dance again and the fans jeer and heckle him. He pulls Callum Cornwall up and applies a double armlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Indian Standoff!! Joey’s got both those arms locked, trying to break them at the elbows.
Mary Yellowbird pounds on the apron in celebration while the boos are very loud. Kelly O’Connell asks Squid if he wants to give up but he shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse cranks back on The Indian Standoff, and Callum Cornwall nods his head, submitting!
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and the fans boo. “I’m Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays as Joey Little Horse drops Callum Cornwall to the mat
Greg Jin: “At 14 minutes 19 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse scores his first win with Mary Yellowbird has his manager, and puts himself right in line for a rematch against Hardkore California Champion Florida Man soon!
Mary Yellowbird holds up Joey Little Horse’s arm in victory as the audience jeers. He goes back to his sexy dancing
Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. put the finishing touches on the steel cage going up around the ring
Phillip Blauer: Cage match? Thank god, that must mean the show is almost over.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stop putting away your headset, that’s just how stacked this show is!
Phillip Blauer: So Donnie’s going to have to tear this thing down immediately afterwards? Has anyone told him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not yet. I was supposed to, but he started talking about his fantasy football team and how there’s some tight end underperforming and honestly I just checked out.
Phillip Blauer: He’s got a point. Kyle Pitts is going out of his way to ruin Donnie’s team. It’s unconscionable.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Back in May, in Seattle, Steve Awesome took The Anointed from one of its founding members, Marty Donovan by betraying him after the wargames match.
Phillip Blauer: Come on, do you think Dave Thomas still runs Wendy’s? Grow up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think Dave Thomas is dead.
Phillip Blauer: Come on, have you seen what a triple baconator does to your ventricles? Grow up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In June, Steve Awesome defeated Marty in a falls count anywhere match in Sacramento. Tonight, two of the top contenders for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, Awesome and Donovan, meet in a steel cage to decide the man who will face the champion at Hardkore Helloween 2023.
“Baylon Skoll Theme” plays and the fans jump to their feet and cheer. Lil Corny leads out Disney’s Marty Donovan, who has a lightsaber, dressed as Baylon Skoll from Ahsoka, now streaming on Disney+, with the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship wrapped around his waist. Lil Corny walks out in his blue suit and jacket with a fuzzy tennis racket
Phillip Blauer: Now why does Papa Smurf have a lightsaber?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s not Papa Smurf, it’s the guy from Ahsoka, which I haven’t gotten around to watching yet.
Phillip Blauer: You see, I don’t like when I have to Bing the characters he dresses as. Why can’t he ever do a simple one that everyone likes? Like one of the crows from Dumbo?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Marty was here, he lost the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship to Cross Recoba in the main event of Palm Springs Punishment 2023. A year prior, at Palm Springs Punishment 2022, he defeated Natalie Burrows in the first ever Reedy Creek Rules match. This was also the town where Marty made his Hardkore debut in December of 2005, defeating Hardkore Nippon Brass Knuckles Champion "The Saikyo Terrorist" Tatsuya Arakawa. At Palm Springs Punishment 2010, he defeated Andrew Karnage in a match that forced Karnage to become his slave.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, when slavery was a match gimmick. Simpler times.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He has faced Kilroy twice here. Once in 2012, he won the Hardkore America Heavyweight title from Kilroy Evans in a falls count anywhere match, and once at Palm Springs Punishment 2009 when he beat him in the greatest tuxedo match of all time.
Phillip Blauer: Fuji-Steele was better.
Inside the cage, Marty and Lil Corny stage a battle in the middle of the ring with the lightsaber and tennis racket
Yolanda Ando: Marty Donovan wears a gray speedo with the Disney Plus logo on it. He also wears Bryan Danielson style boots and kick pads with the signature Disney D on the knees.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan has become a bit of a steel cage match expert and wants to finally get revenge on the man that stripped him of everything, in route to getting Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship back from Cross Recoba.
Greg Jin: “The following Steel Cage Match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is to determine the number one contender to the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Lil Corny; He is brought to you by Disney Plus who reminds you to stream Loki, Season Two! Hailing from Orlando in the Magic Kingdom, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 218 pounds; He is One Half of the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Champions…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
The audience lets out the loudest pop of the night so far as Lil Corny leaves the cage and Marty prepares for the match
All the lights in the Acrisure Arena die out and The fans boo at the interruption. Some of the crowd start chanting
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS! {Dramatic Pause.}
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in Hardkore Hall explode to life! The Palm Springs crowd jeers at the interruption as the lights flash green and black to the beat. Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her won't you tell her for me/ It's better this way to avoid all the misery
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring past the signs the fans are holding up that say “Steve Awful” and “The Annoying”
Phillip Blauer: There’s my guy, Barry Wimbledon!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, Phil. We’ve been over this. Barry Wimbledon is a fictional character that Steve Awesome plays, poorly, in The Shit Show movies.
Phillip Blauer: I see, like Alf?
Guillermo O’Bannon: If that helps you, sure.
The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome back where he debuted at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, defeating Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen.
Phillip Blauer: I remember that. He nearly stole the poor chap’s wife. Classic Barry Wimbledon. Like the time in Shit Storm 4 when that lady slapped him, and he kissed her, and then she decided she loved him and was being silly about him killing her husband and blowing up her house.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, remember Phil, he’s like Alf.
Phillip Blauer: Are you out of your tree, good sir? Alf never did any of those things. He ate cats and had racist bloopers. Classic Alf.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds; He is The Only One That Matters, He is The Current XHF HARDCORE CHAMPION…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
The audience boos as Steve Awesome raises his arms.
"The Hardkore Face of the Franchise" Steve Awesome vs. Disney's Marty Donovan
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Kelly O’Connell locks the cage door. Awesome and Marty approach each other. Awesome runs his mouth and smirks as Marty looks unimpressed. Awesome gets a surprised look on his face, then points behind Marty
Steve Awesome: “Hey, it’s Mickey Mouse!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty’s not going to fall for that…
Marty Donovan: “My liege?”
Guillermo O’Bannon: I stand corrected. But Steve Awesome is making a break for the side of the cage!
Phillip Blauer: This’ll be over in record time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty quickly turns around and gives chase! But instead of trying to climb out, Awesome springboards against the middle rope and catches Marty with an elbow to the head!
Marty goes down to the mat. The Palm Springs fans boo as Steve Awesome mocks him
Phillip Blauer: Who says Steve Awesome isn’t a good actor? No one after seeing Shit Storm 8: Winds of Shit Storms Past. Coming to select theaters and domestic flights.
Steve Awesome stomps Marty to keep him on the mat. Lil Corny complains to Tommy Milligan from ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome follows up with a quick jumping leg drop. He makes the cover!
…ONE!
…Marty quickly gets his left shoulder off the mat.
Awesome protests what he feels to be a slow count by Tommy Milligan. As he goes to slam his hand down on the mat, he catches Marty in the balls. Marty doubles over and rolls away.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on, what was that?
Milligan seems to be willing to accept that it was an accident, but warns Awesome to not let it happen again. The fans boo Awesome as he stands up and walks over to Marty
Phillip Blauer: Look, we’re not in the ring. Tommy is. We haven’t been drunk since lunch time. Tommy is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: With Marty barely able to resist, Awesome grabs Marty’s legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf.
Awesome pulls back on his legs as Marty groans in pain. The audience jeers and heckles Steve Awesome as he sits low on the cloverleaf.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan laboriously pulls his way to the side of the ring and finally grabs one of the ropes to force a break. But Awesome won’t release the texas cloverleaf!
Phillip Blauer: He just got comfortable!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. Lil Corny complains to Tommy Milligan. Tommy does the 5 count and finally forces Steve Awesome to let go of Donovan’s legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome runs across the ring, hits the ropes, and baseball slides into Marty’s right arm!
The slide also makes Marty crash into the cage. Awesome takes a mini-victory lap as the fans jeer. Marty scoots under the bottom rope and starts to pull himself back up with his left arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome cuts him off with a running hip check.
Marty Donovan falls back with his head resting against the bottom turnbuckle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome doesn’t waste the opportunity and hits the bronco buster!
The crowd boos as Steve cavorts on Marty’s face. Once Awesome stops, he makes the belt motion across his waist, which riles the fans up some more Awesome laughs before he picks Marty up and sets him on the top turnbuckle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome steps up to the second turnbuckle and sets Marty up for a superplex. As Awesome lifts, Donovan grabs the cage with his left hand and blocks!. Marty responds with a couple headbutts that send Awesome down to the mat!
The fans come to life! Marty uses the cage to pull himself up to his feet on the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Domovan follows up with a flying elbow drop!!
Marty immediately clutches at his right arm as he hurt himself as bad as he hurt Steve Awesome
Guillermo O’Bannon: That arm obviously hasn’t healed up since his match Hell in a Cell against Zoran Sainovic in Orlando, even if Marty didn’t wear the sling to the ring.
Phillip Blauer: And if there’s one person who can exploit an old arm injury, it’s Steve Awesome. He’s gonna exploit it worse than his Estonian film crew that shot the car chase scenes in Shit Storm 8: Winds of Shit Storms Past. He wiped out three boom mic operators practicing a Tokyo drift that wasn’t even in the movie.
The fans encourage Marty to fight through the pain as both men begin to rise.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan is up first and feigns The Dis-Knee. Awesome falls to the mat to avoid up while missing that Marty stopped short. Marty hits a quick senton to take advantage!
That pops Hardkore Hall. Marty picks Awesome up, then hits a side kick to the ribs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty connects with a second kick! Marty goes for a third, but it’s caught by Awesome. Marty responds with an enzuigiri!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan pulls Awesome up by the hair, and then hits a chop.
Hardkore Hall gives Donovan a “Woo!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan tries to run back to the ropes, but Awesome snatches his right arm and snaps Marty down to the mat!
Phillip Blauer: I think you can see Marty’s arm separate a little from his body there.
Marty Donovan yells out in pain as he clutches his right arm. The Palm Springs crowd jeers Steve Awesome as he smirks
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome knew about Marty’s weakness, but took his time in getting to it. Attacking it as Marty Donovan was at his most confident did a lot of damage, physically and mentally.
Phillip Blauer: Hubris is his biggest weakness. That and all his passwords are Daisy Duck.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome pulls Marty up to his feet and chicken wings his arm behind him. He lifts Donovan up and drops him on the back of his head with a hammerlock backdrop!!
Acrisure Arena boos and Steve Awesome pops up to his feet. He violently stomps Marty’s right arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome continues to batter Marty Donovan’s injured arm with stomp after stomp. He goes for a cover and puts all his weight on Marty’s left side.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty gets his right shoulder up!
Marty Donovan clutches at his right arm as Awesome stands up on his knees. He pulls Marty up with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome and applies a wristlock to Marty Donovan’s right arm.
Marty instantly drops to a knee. Tommy Milligan checks in to see if he wants to quit. Steve Awesome uses the added leverage to inflict more pain. He jumps up and whips Marty’s arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome lets go of the hold, scoops Marty up, and hits a shoulder breaker to Marty’s right shoulder.
This time, Awesome puts both knees on Marty’s right arm and holds his left shoulder down with both hands to make the cover
…ONE!
…TWO
…Marty kicks out with his legs and is able to get his left shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome grabs an arm bar. He sticks his knee in the ball of Marty’s shoulder and clamps down on his arm.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Marty Donovan shakes his head and refuses to submit. Donovan yells out in pain as his left arm reaches out to the fans. Hardkore Hall responds by standing up and cheering for Marty. Marty Donovan fights his way to his feet and pushes both men toward the ropes. Awesome releases the hold before they get to the ropes and rolls backward onto his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Marty manages to get back on his feet, Awesome rushes in with and applies his Awesome Lock chicken wing crossface!
The Acrisure Arena boos loudly as Steve Awesome cinches in The Awesome Lock, keeping him away from the ropes. Tommy Milligan checks in but Marty Donovan refuses to quit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome makes sure to chicken wing Marty’s injured right arm. Marty fights to stay vertical as Awesome wants to take him back down to the mat. The last time Steve Awesome was here was his debut at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, when he defeated Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen.
Phillip Blauer: Things are still tense when he’s in the same room as Mickie Fury.
Marty Donovan reaches for the ropes as the Palm Springs fans cheer him on. Awesome increases pressure on the chicken wing, and Marty’s left arm drops. Steve then crossface chicken wing suplexes him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome hits the Awesome-Plex!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
… Marty Donovan rolls his shoulder up!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of Steve Awesome’s expression of disbelief
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome can’t believe it! Disney’s own armed Marty Donovan keeps fighting!
Steve Awesome yells at the cheering fans and signals that it’s over. He pulls Marty up and lifts him up into a fireman’s carry
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome goes for the SteveKO but Marty reverses it into a tornado DDT! Both men are down!
The fans cheer as Tommy Milligan starts the double count
One!
Phillip Blauer: Steve is mostly tired from the press junkets, I don’t know what Marty’s problem is.
Two!
Hardkore Hall is trying to will Marty Donovan to his feet
Three!
Steve Awesome starts stirring. Marty is still out
Four!
Five!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulls himself up by the ropes and gets back to his feet to break the count!
Steve Awesome shakes his head and looks at the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Hardkore Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome rushes to the cage and begins to climb!
The Palm Springs fans beg Marty to get up. Awesome reaches the top of the cage and begins to cross to the outside.
Phillip Blauer: Steve Awesome is nearly the number one contender for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship!
The deafening crowd finally wakes Marty Donovan up. He gets up, sees Awesome, and runs to the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan’s more or less climbing with one arm, but still quickly gets up the cage. He catches Awesome at the top of the cage!
Donovan grabs Steve Awesome by the hair and stops him from leaving. Awesome tries to elude Marty’s grasp and slither to the outside, but Marty won’t let go. Awesome’s legs dangle on the outside as he’s caught on the top of the cage.
Phillip Blauer: The studio executives behind Shit Storm 8: Winds of Shit Storms Past? Their hearts are in their throats right now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan hits a headbutt, then rushes up to superplex Awesome back into the ring!!
The Palm Springs fans let out a monster pop! Marty, fueled by adrenaline, covers Steve Awesome
…ONE!
…TWO!
… Steve Awesome kicks out!
Acrisure Arena boos as Awesome gets his left shoulder up. Marty takes a few seconds to get his breath back, then picks Awesome up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan puts Awesome in a hammerlock and rushes him toward the corner. Marty throws Awesome’s right shoulder into the turnbuckle!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” Steve Awesome groans as the old injury starts to burn
Guillermo O’Bannon: 19 Marty Donovan hits a dropkick to Steve Awesome’s right shoulder!
Marty Donovan gets up and screams at the crowd
Marty Donovan: “Watch Loki Season Two!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Doniovan grabs Awesome’s right arm and pulls him down to hit a double knee shoulder breaker!
Steve Awesome rolls onto his back as he clutches his arm. Marty Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle. He tucks his head and rolls into a 450 splash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty hits the Ode to Romero!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Hardkore Hall boos again as they thought Marty had it won. Marty stays on the attack and pulls Awesome up. Marty grabs the back of Awesome’s head and points to the cage.
Marty Donovan: “PHASE ONE!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan bashes Steve Awesome’s head into the cage!!
The crowd roars. Donovan grabs Marty by the hair
Marty Donovan: “PHASE TWO!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan throws Awesome face first into the steel cage!!
Blood begins to trickle down Steve Awesome’s face. But Marty maintains hold of Steve’s hair
Marty Donovan: “PHASE THREE!”
Steve Awesome is on spaghetti legs as the only thing holding him up is Marty grabbing his hair
Marty Donovan: “PHASE FOUR!”
Phillip Blauer: Unlike the MCU, Marty stops while he’s ahead…
Alexander Von Blankenship runs down to the ring
Phillip Blauer: It’s AVB!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is he doing here??
Von Blankenship starts scaling the cage and climbs it cage halfway
Phillip Blauer: He’s here to add some star power to this match!
AVB tosses a small chain over the top of the cage into the ring, near Steve Awesome’s body
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, he’s here to fix the match for The Anointed, as usual.
A bloody Steve Awesome picks up the chain and wraps it around his fist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome picks up that chain and bashes Marty in the face with it!! He collapses on top of Donovan!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty gets his foot on the bottom rope!
The fans breathe a sigh of relief, and suddenly a whack is heard
Phillip Blauer: That little ankle biter just hit AVB with that tennis racket in the back!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Serves him right, after all the horrible things he’s done to Lil Corny in Hawaii, Colorado, and Ireland. Oh, he better not!
An enraged Alexander Von Blankenship stares at Lil Corny and starts walking towards him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lil Corny takes off into the audience and AVB tries to follow him out into the crowd! Meanwhile, inside the cage, Steve Awesome wraps his right arm around the top rope.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Awesome milks every second of the five count from Tommy Milligan before finally releasing Marty. Marty stumbles away from the ropes while clutching his arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome goes for the Thigh Slapper Super Kick, but the it was weak given the status of Awesome’s shoulder. The kick didn’t take Marty down.
The fans boo as Steve Awesome gears up again
Guillermo O’Bannon: This time the Thigh Slapper Super Kick obliterates Marty!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
The fans sigh with relief again, and suddenly Lil Corny is back at ringside, having lost AVB in the audience. Steve Awesome climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. He backflips into a moonsault foot stomp, but Marty rolls out of the way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan moves out of the way of the Awesome Sault!
Lil Corny throws the tennis racket over the cage wall into the ring
Phillip Blauer: What did that little snot nose just throw in the ring?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty catches the tennis racket! He turns around and absolutely brains Steve Awesome with it!!
The Palm Springs fans erupt and Donovan collapses on top of him
…ONE!
…TWO!
….THREE!!!
The crowd jumps to their feet in celebration as “Baylon Skoll Theme” plays. Tommy Milligan raises Marty’s limp arm
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 23 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty did it! He’s gotten the shot at Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba at Hardkore Helloween 2023!
Phillip Blauer: No! That’s not fair, Lil Crusty threw that squash racket in there!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He was fighting fire with fire after Alexander Von Blankenship threw that chain for Steve Awesome to use.
Phillip Blauer: But AVB is an adult! Adults can do stuff like that! That’s grown folks stuff.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Will Marty Donovan finally get a rematch against the man who took his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, and the man who recently pulled him off that stretcher in Waikiki and corkscrew tombstoned him on the concrete, Cross Recoba? Or will he take on his old bodyguard, Dan Stein?
Marty is now on his feet, walking out the cage door. Lil Corny tries to help him down the steps, but they need the help of Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr.
A grumpy Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. deconstructs the cage surrounding the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is our first title match of the evening, as Florida Man puts his newly won Hardkore California title on the line against Joe Nobody. Florida Man defeated Joey Little Horse for the title in Maui, and now hopes to defend it against Joe Nobody who has been undefeated thus far.
The lights in The Acrisure Arena dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The Palm Springs crowd pops asThe lyrics begin appearing on the screen, and then the crowd starts singing along to them, getting louder with each line
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!! Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie before making his way to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is Joe Nobody’s first title opportunity here in Hardkore World, after defeating the former Hardkore California Champion Joey Little Horse in Denver, Little Dragon at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023, and Moondog Dook in Sacramento.
Phillip Blauer: I was surprised in Sacramento. I thought the Dog was due.
Joe Nobody arrives at the ring steps and takes two steps before he stops suddenly. He turns and walks down the ring steps to the front row. He finds a little girl who’s a big fan. Nobody takes his signature fedora off and puts it on the little girl, who shows it to her parents.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody considers it his personal mission to get the Hardkore California Championship off of Florida Man, considering him not on the roster, and an invader to the West Coast locker room.
Phillip Blauer: Now that is just wrong. Florida Men are very welcoming to outsiders. We should extend them the same courtesy. The least Nobody could do is offer him a secret bus ride 1000 miles away.
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Nobody says that he has the entirety of Hardkore World standing behind him in this match. And I think he may be right.
Phillip Blauer: He doesn’t have me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s true, he doesn’t have Phil.
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is for the HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
Hardkore Hall cheers as Joe Nobody loosens the ropes
“Gimme Some Lovin'” by The Spencer Davis Group plays and the fans boo. Florida Man walks out with the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship strapped around his waist, holding his Hardkore California title up, with a piece of tape over the California with the word “Florida” written in magic marker
Phillip Blauer: Hey look, he spelled it right. And those naysayers claim there’s some problem with Florida’s educationism?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man scored an upset in Maui by defeating longtime veteran “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse in a thumbtacks and legos match.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, I remember seeing Frank Gotch wrestle those with my Dad when he got back from the pepper mines. He made all the people around us sneeze, you see…
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one cares, Phil. Now Florida Man has taken that title and renamed it the Hardkore Florida title. A slap in the face to the lineage of that belt.
Phillip Blauer: Didn’t we just change it from the TV title?
Guillermo O’Bannon: So your Dad worked in a pepper mine?
Phillip Blauer: Oh yes. When the canaries would die in the caves, he would bring them home for me to play with. I’d put little army uniforms on them and re-fight the Spanish American war…
Yolanda Ando: How old are you? Anyway, Florida wears a mask resembling an old Halloween gorn mask, only the snout has been elongated to look more like a gator. A wide brim straw hat appears to have been stitched into the mask. The brim is angled to look like a halo. A small hole in the corner of his plastic toothy smile is so he can easily access his cigarettes, but at the moment it holds a piece of straw to complete his lackadaisical country swagger. Instead of traditional tights, he wears overalls and vintage tees.
Phillip Blauer: Salt of the earth, El Guapo. Salt of the earth. You know, he’s been getting some mainstream coverage lately, which will always help lend eyeballs to our shows that run opposite Fry Daddy infomercials. I Binged him, and just this week, he had a naked stand off with police, he was bitten by a rabid otter, and hired a plane to find his stolen car at the bottom of a lake. You can’t buy that kind of publicity!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man says this is no tour. He wants his J-ROK YTA belt back from Kilroy Evans and won’t leave until he gets it.
Phillip Blauer: And what is a YTA title, pray tell?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I forgot to ask.
Phillip Blauer: Honestly, I hope we keep it the Hardkore Florida title, then we could go to Miami and I could show off my cabana wear. I have the necks professionally lowered to accent my supple chest.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from America’s Wang, God’s Waiting Room, The Gunshine State of Florida; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 198 pounds; He is One Half of the Wrestle:UK Tag Team Champions and The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA…”
Florida Man goes over to Greg Jin and grabs the microphone away from him
Florida Man: “I am the HARDKORE FLORIDA CHAMPION…FLORIDA MAN!!”
The Palm Springs fans boo Florida Man who tosses the microphone after Greg as he flees the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Aw, you can’t mess with Greg!
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, who doesn’t like Greg?
Yolanda Ando: Greg, come over here!
Greg huddles with Yolanda Ando, looking terrified back at the ring. FLM keeps his gaze on poor Greg but doesn’t notice the sound of the bell
Hardkore California Championship Match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody rushes in with full force. Florida Man puts his guard up to avoid the knees, elbows and forearms but can’t stop a huge full Nelson slam from Joe Nobody!
Joe hooks the leg for an early attempt to win it.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Florida Man scrambles to his feet and gives Joe the one minute sign.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man takes a second to readjust his straw hat and then when the time was right he hits Joe with a thumb to the eye.
The Palm Springs fans boo. Joe grips at his right eye but Flo instinctively grabs him in a headlock before Richie Richardson could investigate.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man grinds the headlock and notices that Greg Jin is still staring at him.
Florida Man: “Stop looking at me Greg! Unless you are going to announce my title correctly, turn your seat around and face the audience.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Come on Greg, you don’t have to listen to him.
Greg Jin: No it’s fine. I’ll do it.
Greg reluctantly turns his chair around and Florida Man likey. FML nods his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Suddenly Joe Nobody pops out of the headlock and grabs an inverted facelock. He drops Flo head first with a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man is quick to his feet and Flo and Joe start to throw right hands! Florida Man drills him with a right hand. But Joe eats it and sends one right back. Oh boy here we go with a trade off! Flo! Joe! Flo! Joe! Flo! Joe!
Phillip Blauer: Heh that rhymes! I feel like a rapper. Flo! Joe! Flo! Joe!
Guillermo O’Bannon: They are just destroying each other! Flo! Joe! Flo! Joe!
Phillip Blauer: Flo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe!
Yolanda Ando: Flo!
Greg Jin: Joe!
Florida Man: “Shut the fuck up Greg!”
Greg Jin: Sorry!
That brief distraction allows Joe to follow up with a huge forearm to the face that dents in the gator nose a little bit
Guillermo O’Bannon: FML staggers back to the ropes and comes back with a big chop to the throat. Flo follows up with a couple jabs and finger jabs to the solar plexus.
Flo signals for something big and goes for the set-up but Joe Nobody counters into the with a half nelson slam into a cutter
Guillermo O’Bannon: ComboBreaker!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Both men are on their feet. Joe goes after Flo but again Florida Man asks for a minute.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on, what is this?
This time he covers his mouth hole and blows hard inside his mask. The dented and bent gator nose suddenly pops back out to its regular size and Flo looks satisfied
Phillip Blauer: Is this going to be every match?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The two lock up again and this time Flo grabs Joe’s tie and flips him with a snapmare. Flo gets behind and starts raining elbows down into the neck and shoulder of Joe.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks if Joe wants to quit, but Joe endures the pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Suddenly Florida Man locks him in a rear naked choke and starts rolling around choking and disorienting his opponent.
Hardkore Hall boos. Joe looks like he’s fading but he has fought his way out of the leg hooks
Guillermo O’Bannon: And with a last bit of effort Joe flips himself backward. Florida Man either gets pinned or releases the hold!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man scrambles out of the pinning predicament
Florida Man looks around a bit confused at what just happened. Joe is still down, trying to suck in air to continue. Flo goes to finish off Joe when he suddenly notices Greg Jin was looking at the ring again.
Florida Man: “What did I tell you about looking at me, Greg!?”
Enraged, FML rolls out to ringside and starts pushing Greg Jin around.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey, hey, hey. Come on!
The fans boo loudly
Phillip Blauer: He’s getting close to me as well, Gipetto!
Florida Man starts slapping Greg in the head and publicly berating him when suddenly "Miami Disco (metal cover)" by Alex Yarmak” starts blaring over the speakers!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s KILROY!!
Florida Man stops and turns to look toward the entrance ramp as the crowd light up and get to their feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well that is Kilroy’s theme. But…wait who is that behind Florida Man!? It’s Kilroy Evans! BAD TOUCH!!
Kilroy spins FML around and drops him lightning quick with his diamond cutter on the concrete! Greg Jin thanks Kilroy and together they both throw FML into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody is waiting for his moment! He runs at him with his STO, known as The Denial of Perfection!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Hardkore Hall erupts in cheers as "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays and Richie Richardson hands Joe Nobody the Hardkore California Championship title belt
Greg Jin: (triumphantly) “At 10 minutes 22 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…JOE NOBODY!!!”
Kilroy Evans stands in the ring, holding up Joe Nobody’s arm, pointing at the new Hardkore California Champion
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man’s incessant bullying of our beloved ring announcer wound up costing him the Hardkore California title, as Kilroy Evans couldn’t stand by and let him do it.
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy may have just made a fellow hillbilly his greatest enemy yet. I’m getting mosquito bites just thinking about it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our next title match is for the newly revived Hardkore Women’s Championship. Rin Kubo puts her belt on the line against Mickie Fury. We have a styles clash in this one, with Mickie being a powerhouse and the champion being more of a speed demon with a nasty lariot.
“Queen of the Night'' by Whitney Houston plays and a spotlight follows Mickie Fury as the fans cheer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury didn’t get into the wrestling business just to look good, she’s in it for the titles and the glory. She feels she has a better shot than she did in Maui with it being a one on one match…
Phillip Blauer: (shushing him) This is my jam! (singing) “I've got the stuff that you want, I've got the thing that you need, I've got more than enough, To make you drop to your knees!”
When Mickie Fury gets to ringside she poses for Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like her namesake, Mickie is afraid that Rin Kubo will make her lose her temper, so she wants to remain focused as her husband and trainer Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen taught her.
Phillip Blauer: Plus Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. doesn’t want to clean up the spot on the canvas that Mickie would turn Rin Kubo into.
Yolanda Ando: Mickie Fury is dressed in a white catsuit and boots.
Fury vaults over the ropes and jumps into the ring. She does some dance moves and then goes to the corner to await her opponent.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Introducing first, From Pasadena, California, Currently Residing in Los Angeles, Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 148 pounds…MICKIE FURY!!!”
"Run This Town" plays as Rin Kubo appears on stage holding a SKY Force Fund banner in her hands. She has the Hardkore Women’s Championship strapped around her waist as she begins to make their way down the ramp
Guillermo O’Bannon: And there is our new champion, over in Japan, she’s won the Angels of Sakura Championship, The Rose City Tag Team Champions and has been XHF Tag Team Champions but she was never able to win singles gold. That is until last month in Hawaii, when she won a four way elimination match between Ri Eun-Ae, Mickie Fury, and Yuki Sakaraba to become the first Hardkore Women’s Champion since Madison Dyson in 2009. A title that goes back to 1994.
Rin Kubo stops and sees the woman at ringside with the “Rin’s Twin” sign dressed as Rin. She gives her a hug and compliments her look
Phillip Blauer: It’s all fun and games until you start your car and they’re in your backseat. Take it from me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! I’m sure she’s a wonderful young lady who’s a big fan of the Hardkore Women’s Champion. Rin Kubo recently successfully defended her belt against Mary Yellowbird in Waikiki, abd she hopes to do the same against the heavy hitter, Mickie Fury.
Kubo gets inside the ring and joins the ends of her thumbs and index fingers to form a triangle with the gap before shrinking it down to form a small triangle, placing the gap on her left eye - closing her right eye while doing so - and appears to be looking around
Greg Jin: “And her opponent is from Kawasaki, Kanagawa, Japan, Standing 5 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 147 pounds; The Enforcer of SKY Force and The Current HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…RIN KUBO!!!”
The Palm Springs fans cheer loudly and Rin Kubo holds her right fist out in front of her while placing her left fist on her right breast in a saluting manner
Hardkore Women's Championship
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and Rin Kubo and Mickie Fury circle one another, looking for an opening
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury and Rin Kubo lock up into a collar and elbow tie-up. Both women jockeying for position, but Fury using her 6 inch height and strength advantage early by backing the champion into the corner.
Kelly O’Connell calls for a clean break and begins giving them the 5 count
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury flips Rin Kubo with a judo toss out of the corner!
The fans cheer. Kubo gets up, but runs right into a hip toss. Rin Kubo gets up, and Mickie Fury challenges her
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo hits Fury with a dropkick that makes her stumble backwards.
Mickie Fury waves her on, daring Kubo to try and knock her down, popping the crowd. Kubo looks around at the crowd, and then hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore Women’s Champion smashes into Fury with a jumping shoulder tackle, but Fury stays on her feet!
Phillip Blauer: That reminds me, I have to get mosquito spray.
Hardkore Hall is impressed. Rin Kubo’s brow furrows with resolve, and then she runs back into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: This time Mickie Fury flips Rin end over end with a running clothesline!
The Acrisure Arena lets out a collective “OH!” at the stiff clothesline and the way Kubo landed
Mickie Fury: “There is a new bitch in town, you know it!”
Phillip Blauer: You hear that, Gazpacho? She’s after your job.
Mickie Fury pulls Kubo up and irish whips Kubo into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury cartwheels into a handspring, but Kubo moves out of the way of the back elbow into the corner!
Fury staggers out from the turnbuckles, and Rin Kubo grabs her hair from behind and drops down into an edge-o-matic
Guillermo O’Bannon: Maple Leaf Buster!
…ONE!
….Mickie Fury kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury tries to get up but Kubo punt kicks her in the ribs while Fury is on her hands and knees.
Kubo gets on top of Mickie and batters her with punches as the crowd gets louder and louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo finishes her off with a couple of headbutts and then gets back to her feet. She grabs hold of Fury’s arms and then starts bludgeoning her with a flurry of stomps to her chest!
The Palm Springs fans give her an “OH!” with each stomp. Finally she pulls Fury up and shoots her into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kubo comes in hot, but Fury steps out, lifts her up and lets her crash into the turnbuckles chest first!
Hardkore Hall lets out another “OH!” and then Mickie Fury double underhooks Rin Kubo’s arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury uses that raw power to snap butterfly suplex Kubo! Kubo stands up just in time for a tornado kick that knocks her over the ropes to the floor below!
The audience buzzes with anticipation as Mickie Fury climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury leaps off the top rope with a plancha, catching Rin on the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans cheer as both ladies lie on the floor. Fury eventually gets to her feet and pulls Kubo up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie scoops Rin up and bodyslams her on the concrete!!
Rin Kubo arches her back in pain on the Acrisure Arena floor. Fury pulls her up by the hair again, and uses it to snapmare her onto the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hairmare on the floor! Mickie Fury backs up and waits for the Hardkore Women’s Champion to get to her feet, then runs and hits her with a spinning heel kick on the floor!
Mickie Fury rolls back into the ring and stands up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury slingshots herself over the ropes into a cross body onto Rin Kubo and they both hit the floor hard!!
Mickie Fury takes a few moments to collect herself, and then goes over to the ring apron. She stands up on the apron and waits for Rin Kubo to stand up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury runs along the apron and somersaults into a senton, but Rin Kubo ducks and Mickie hits the railing!!
Hardkore Hall lets out another “OH!!” at the sound of Fury’s body hitting the steel railing.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, looks like an unfortunate grandma in the front row might have gotten her knees squished by that maneuver. Well, you can’t make an omelet without breaking some legs.
Rin Kubo rolls back into the ring and climbs to the top turnbuckle, meanwhile Mickie Fury pulls herself up by the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo dives off the top and hits Mickie Fury with a somersault senton on the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans erupt with cheers as the two ladies try and catch their breath on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo stands up and grabs Mickie Fury by the legs. She drops down and catapults Mickie Fury face first into the corner post!!
The fans chant “KUBO!! KUBO!! KUBO!!” Fury covers her forehead and kicks her toes into the floor in pain. Rin pulls her up by the hair and rolls her back into the ring, and then follows after her
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo measures her and then drops a precision elbow across her chest.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo grabs her by the legs and turns her over into a boston crab.
Mickie Fury cries out in pain, as Kubo bends her in half. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Fury shakes her head, refusing to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kubo sitting far back on that boston crab, putting tremendous pressure on Mickie’s lower back. Mickie, reaching out for those ropes!
Fury using that half foot height advantage she has to do a push up, and gets herself close enough to the side of the ring to hook the bottom rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell forces Rin Kubo to release the boston crab. Kubo finally relinquishes it, but gives Fury a hard stomp to the lower back for good measure.
Rin Kubo climbs up to the top turnbuckle, but Mickie Fury tornado kicks her foot and crotches her on the turnbuckle steel cable hook
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury climbs to the second turnbuckle and plucks Kubo off the top rope with a huracanrana!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Rin Kubo kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury sticks her knees into Kubo’s back and rolls her up into a bow and arrow!
Fury pulls down on Rin’s head and legs, while impaling her spine with both her knees. Kubo grunts, but shakes her head, refusing to tap out to Kelly O’Connell
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury attempting to win the Hardkore Women’s Championship with the bow & arrow taught to her by her trainer Tum Tum.
Phillip Blauer: That’s funny. I would think that Joey Little Horse or Mary Yellowbird would have taught her that move.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why?
Yolanda Ando: Yeah, why Phil?
Phillip Blauer: (panicked) No reason. No reason whatsoever.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s what I thought. Mickie Fury finally releases the bow & arrow, that Tum Tum taught her…(glares at a withering Phil), and pulls her up into a front facelock. She swings her around into a swinging neckbreaker!
Rin Kubo sits up, holding the back of her neck. Mickie pulls her up by the hair and rocks her with a forearm to the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore Women’s Champion answers with a european uppercut that knocks Fury into the ropes, but Fury comes back with a running european uppercut that drops Kubo.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know how wise it is to get into a fist fight with Mickie Fury.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, you were in that superbowl Bitcoin ad with Tom Brady and Shaq.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, they told me as long as I got enough people into it, it wouldn’t be a pyramid scheme.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo walks right back up to her and pops her with a surprise headbutt between the eyes!
Mickie Fury staggers back, but before Kubo could capitalize, Mickie twirls around into a discus forearm smash
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Kubo doesn’t go down this time! She dropkicks Mickie Fury, who falls into the ropes, and gets her arms twisted between the top and second rope!
The fans cheer as Rin Kubo clobbers her with punches while Kelly O’Connell fruitlessly tries to free Mickie Fury’s arms
Phillip Blauer: Get her out of there, Kelly! Jeez louise.
Guillermo O’Bannon: She’s trying, Phil.
O’Connell finally gets Mickie Fury untangled from the ropes, and Mickie collapses forward on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo now jumps on her back and hooks on the STF! She clamps down on Fury’s windpipe while peeling back on her head and neck.
Mickie reaches back and tries to get her fingers in between Kubo’s forearm and her throat. She rolls over on her side, but Rin Kubo hangs on to the STF
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kubo locks her hands together, but Mickie gets her wrist in between them and breaks her facelock.
Rin Kubo releases the STF. Mickie Fury sits up, but Rin Kubo comes off the ropes with a kick between her shoulder blades that gets a resounding “OH!” from Hardkore Hall. Fury arches her back in pain, while Rin runs to the other side of the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin with a basement dropkick to the face of a sitting Mickie Fury!
That gets another sympathetic groan from the fans. Rin Kubo climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Mickie Fury to stand back up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo comes off the top with a diving tackle that takes out her opponent!
The audience cheers. Mickie Fury labors to get up quickly and tries to roundhouse kick her ribs, but Kubo catches her leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie swings around with her other leg and gives Kubo a step up enzuigiri upside Kubo’s temple!
The crowd reacts with a big “OH!” and Rin goes down like a redwood. Mickie Fury starts dancing to get the Acrisure Arena on her side
Phillip Blauer: (chuckles) That’s some good ole fashioned American cavorting right there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo tries to sneak up with a kick but Mickie is ready and grabs her leg, taking her over into a dragon screw into a single leg boston crab!
Mickie Fury plants her feet and rocks back on her trapped leg, trying to hyperextend the knee. Kelly O’Connell asks Rin Kubo if she wants to quit but the champion doesn’t answer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury sits back as far as she can on Kubo’s back, and pulling most of her leg with her. Kelly O’Connell in position to see the tap out if it comes to that.
Rin Kubo shakes her head, while reaching out for the bottom rope. The Palm Springs fans start chanting “KUBO!! KUBO!! KUBO!!” Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets a shot of the woman dressed as Rin Kubo in the crowd joining in on the chant
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo does a push up off of the canvas. She tucks her head and rolls out of the half crab. She runs into the ropes, but Mickie Fury catches her in a flapjack!
The impact bounces Kubo off her chest, right back up to her knees and back down again. Mickie Fury applies a head scissors
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kubo trying to work her way up to her feet, while Mickie Fury hangs on to that headscissors. She’s now on her feet, but Mickie does a handstand headscissors!
The audience applauds Mickie’s balance, and then Fury takes her over in a headscissors takedown
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury pulls her up into a powerbomb but Rin Kubo reverses it into a huracanrana!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo kicks her in the stomach and drops down into a Rin Factor Stunner!
The fans cheer and Rin pulls her up to her feet. She irish whips her into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kubo swings with that Burning Sword lariat, but Mickie ducks underneath and hits the ropes from the other side. She comes back with her Dance Off spin wheel kick!!
The audience erupts and Mickie Fury does a wheelbarrow motion. She grabs Kubo up into a wheelbarrow and then grabs her head into her DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Move Away!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What an upset! Mickie Fury has won the Hardkore Women’s Championship from Rin Kubo!
“Queen of the Night” by Whitney Houston plays as Kelly O’Connell hands a crying Mickie Fury the Hardkore Women’s Championship belt. The Palm Springs fans applaud as she holds up the title for them
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 57 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…MICKIE FURY!!!”
Hardkore Hall lets out a huge pop as Mickie Fury straps the Hardkore Women’s Championship around her waist. Rin Kubo stands in front of her
Phillip Blauer: Rin might not be done here. She had someone dress up like her and everything.
Rin Kubo puts her hand out and Mickie Fury happily shakes it
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, the former champion is all class and congratulating Mickie Fury on her hard fought victory.
Mary Yellowbird, Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen, and Joey Little Horse get into the ring to help Mickie Fury celebrate
Guillermo O’Bannon: And now Mickie’s husband and friends hit the ring to be the first to congratulate the new champion, Mickie Fury!
Fade up on the Hardkore World Tag Team title belts hanging over the ring with a multitude of ladders inside and outside of the ring
Phillip Blauer: I remember when Rally Jackson hung my luggage up there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, now it’s the Hardkore World Tag Team titles and the only way they’re coming down is with the champions. 5 tag teams, including the champions, The Anointed will vie for those belts in a wild…
Phillip Blauer: Clusterfuck.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ladder match.
An eerie cold silence drops over The Acrisure Arena as an ominous chanting begins while the lighting begins to darken.
Phillip Blauer: Can you hear that too or is that just my inner monologue hooked up to the PA system?
Once the building is shrouded in darkness, the sound system and the people are shocked awake by the explosion of the heavily distorted guitars beginning the intro riff to the music.
Pale green and murky orange lights circle the building and pulse lightly with the beat of “Angel's Thanatos” by Akira Yamaoka from Silent Hill 2. Two spotlights appear in the middle of the entrance way. From the shadows, out walk two men to take their spots. Mehrunes Smith, in his trademarked leather coat, strokes at the tentacles of his mask as he surveys the buildings from behind the dead black eyes of the mask while Scott Fargo has his sights lasered in on the direction of the ring while he unzips his black hoodie.
Phillip Blauer: I feel like that mask will make a mint over at the merch table.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is The End.
Phillip Blauer: My only friend?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, The former Next Level Wrestling Tag Team Champions. They have come to Hardkore World seeking one of the oldest tag team titles around. The Hardkore World Tag Team Championships go back to 1989. They were highly sought after by the other territories here in XHF, but they chose Hardkore World and Jonnie Valentine.
Phillip Blauer: Why??
While making their walk, Smith continues to glare around out at the booing people while Fargo continues a determined walk, his body swaying with the rough beat. A fan holds up a “This Is The End” sign
Guillermo O’Bannon: They say that they’re violence is intended to remind people that death and The End is coming for all of us.
Phillip Blauer: Not me, I drink silver tonic and get blood drainings once a month. I’m as fit as a fiddle…
Phil spits out a tooth. As The End nears the ring, Smith takes the stairs and skirts along the apron, gesturing out to the jeering crowd as he does. Fargo rolls in under the bottom rope and pounces to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like the tag team specialists they are, The End have watched a lot of tape on their opponents and see weaknesses in all their games. They plan on walking right into the West Coast and taking the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship on one of their first nights in the territory.
Smith crouches down in the ring and faces toward the hard camera with a tilted head, Fargo poses behind him taking off his hoodie and holding it above his head
Greg Jin: “The following Ladder Match is for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Lafayette, Louisiana; Standing 5 feet 9 inches tall; Weighing 201 pounds…MEHRUNES SMITH!! His partner is from Minneapolis, Minnesota; Standing 6 feet 3 inches, and Weighing 250 pounds…SCOTT FARGO!! They are the former Next Level Wrestling Tag Team Champions…This Is THE END!!!”
The Palm Springs fans boo as The End stoically looks at the entrance.
“Playing With Fire” by Ovidiu Cernăuțeanu plays and The Dutch Express, Harley van Houten and Leonard van Dam walk out with Leonard’s sister “The Milkman’s Daughter” Klazina Van Dam. The two fun loving reddish husky guys come out on the ramp waving to the fans. Both men are wearing matching overalls. Klazina gracefully walks behind them dressed as a Dutch milk maid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The former Hardkore America Tag Team Champions Dutch Express gets a huge ovation from these Palm Springs fans! This is the city where they won those titles from Better Than Sex.
Phillip Blauer: That was back when we had a tag division stout enough to have two tag team titles, not just The Anointed vs. Kilroy and his best friend of the month.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is the first time they’ve been here since Palm Springs Punishment 2009 when they lost to the late “Lonewolf” Eric McNeely and Dave Brickheart.
Phillip Blauer: I wished I loved anything like those two love denim.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Klazina Van Dam last wrestled here at Palm Springs Punishment 2010 when she defeated Tori Meriweather.
The Dutch Express and Klazina Van Dam slap hands and visit with familiar fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Two second generation wrestlers, Leonard van Dam and his sister Klazina, are children of Suikerbossie, the former Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Champion. This past May, Leonard has lived out a dream by teaming with his father where they took on The Anointed in Tacoma, Washington, that night consisting of their countryman, Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome.
Phillip Blauer: How can two people from the same country be on such opposite sides of the cool factor?
Yolanda Ando: The Dutch Express both wear overalls with open shirts underneath with black boots. Underneath, they wear brief trunks with the Dutch flag on the butt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey and Leonard say they respect teams like Team Fairtex after years of sharing the locker room, saying they looked up to them while coming up in the ranks. Unfortunately, shortly after giving that interview, they were attacked by unknown assailants.
Phillip Blauer: The authorities are baffled, but I’ve launched my own Desert News Hawk investigation into it, and my sources tell me they just have very punchable faces.
Greg Jin: “Accompanied to the ring by their manager, ‘The Milkman’s Daughter’ Klazina van Dam; Originally from Rotterdam in the Netherlands, now making their home in San Francisco, California; Both Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; First, Weighing 250 pounds…HARVEY VAN HOUTEN!! His partner is 225 pounds…LEONARD VAN DAM!! They are the former Hardkore America Tag Team Champions…THE DUTCH EXPRESS!!!”
The Palm Springs fans give them a huge ovation while The Dutch Express and Klazina Van Dam motion for more noise
"UFC Remix" plays and the Acrisure Arena roars in celebration! Tong Fairtex comes to ringside accompanied by his brother Phantam.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Listen to that ovation! Team Fairtex has returned to Hardkore World! The last time Team Fairtex was here was 11 years ago when they defeated Landon Cale & Gregory Dent at Palm Springs Punishment 2012.
Phillip Blauer: I can never tell these two apart. Which is the one with the crippling gambling addiction?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Neither.
Phillip Blauer: Then I’m totally lost.
The fans pat the laser focused Team Fairtex on the shoulders and back as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tries to get them through the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex are former SWAT World Tag Team Champions. World travelers, Tong and Phantam Fairtex are huge stars in Australia, they have appeared in Hardkore Australia, as well as Wrestle: UK.
Yolanda Ando: Team Fairtex wears tight fitting MMA fighting trunks with a dragon and tiger on the sides and the Thailand Flag in the front and black wrestling boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Tong and Phantam Fairtex are the twin sons of Hardkore World legend, former Hardkore West Coast Champion, The Shootighter, hoping to enjoy the same success on the West Coast that their father did.
Tong Fairtex enters the ring and goes to each corner saying a prayer before going to his corner jumping up and down slapping and pounding his chest and face with his fists psyching himself up as his brother Phantam gives him instructions.
Greg Jin: “From Bangkok, Thailand; They both Stand 6 feet tall, and Weigh 235 pounds; TONG FAIRTEX!! PHANTAM FAIRTEX!! They are the former SWAT World Tag Team Champions…TEAM FAIRTEX!!!”
Hardkore Hall lets out a loud pop for Phantam Fairtex and Tong Fairtex as they wave back at the fans
"Miami Disco (metal cover)" by Alex Yarmak plays and the Palm Springs crowd cheers wildly! Malcolm Xavier Graves leads The Sheik and Kilroy Evans through the curtain
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Something Wild!
Phillip Blauer: You mean The Great Mideastern Thrillkill?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They’re still hammering out the name.
The Sheik glares at the fans who reach out for his hand. Kilroy strolls to the ring at a relaxed pace. Evans points to a sign that says “The Sheik and The Man With No Physique” and laughs at it
Phillip Blauer: It’s good that he owns it now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik and Kilroy Evans haven’t exactly been hunkered down in planning together. Frankly, they still seem to remember a lot of what both of them have done to one another.
The Sheik climbs into the ring and stands on the second rope. Kilroy Evans is still going around ringside, slapping hands with the fans.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans had to work with a cardboard cut out for promos.
Phillip Blauer: And I’m sure those two will be much happier together than the actual Kilroy and Sheik.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik and Malcolm Xavier Graves think this match is beneath them, and don’t see the other teams in this match as worthy competition for a wrestler such as himself. He brought up his contract renewal and how his client is not happy here on the West Coast.
Kilroy and The Sheik get in the ring with The Dutch Express, Team Fairtex, and The End. Kilroy Evans is all smiles, but is completely focused on The End
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy Evans wears a black “The Crawling Hand” Mystery Science Theatre shirt with jeans and sneakers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Everytime The Sheik wrestles here in Palm Springs, it’s against someone in this match. The last time he was here was Palm Springs Punishment 2023 when he beat Alexander Von Blankenship in a stairway to heaven match. At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, The Sheik fought his now partner Kilroy Evans in an LA Freeway match, and won. They had wrestled previously in May of 2022 in the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament, where Kilroy won.
Kilroy Evans locks eyes with Phantam Fairtex. He barely blinks as he stares at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy is taking the happy bus, as usual, he cannot wait to for the opportunity to get his hands on Alexander Von Blankenship and Wesley Crane in the confines of a ladder match after what happened in Denver and what Hasbulla did to Marty in Waikiki.
Greg Jin: “Accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; From The Empty Quarter, Arabia; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 230 pounds; The Man from Rub' al Khali, The former Hardkore West Coast Champion…THE SHEIK!! His partner is from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds; The Attbury Assassin, Your Boy Kilroy, The Two Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion…KILROY EVANS!! They are Something Wild, They Are THE GREAT MIDEASTERN TRENDKILL!!!”
The Palm Springs crowd lets out an ear splitting pop for Great Mideastern Trendkill. Kilroy breaks eye contact with Phantam Fairtex and begins looking to the entrance area. Evans psyches himself up by pacing slowly and purposefully until The Anointed’s music begins
“Blessed Up” by Wande plays and Hardkore Hall rocks with boos.
A thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere. The lights go back to normal and out steps the Hardkore World Tag Team Champions, “The High Roller” Wesley Crane, Alexander Von Blankenship, and Hasbulla to a vitriolic reaction from the audience
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
Phillip Blauer: Now that’s an entrance! These boos are making my ears bleed more than normal.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The group that has held the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships since January 12th for the past 9 months, The Anointed! “The High Roller” Wesley Crane and Alexander Von Blankenship!
AVB has a conceited smirk on his smug face while he points to the Hardkore World Tag Team title belt around his waist. Wesley Crane stands on the stage with the Hardkore World Tag Team title belt slung over his shoulder. Crane looks around at all the booing fans. Hasbulla blows his whistle at the fans, “disqualifying” them all
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Waikiki, the dastardly Hasbulla disguised himself as a small child and broke a glass candy jar over Marty Donovan’s head when he was trying to take a picture with Jonnie’s Kids.
Phillip Blauer: No, no, no. Marty just assumed all of those children sized people were kids. Ok, Boomer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lil Corny came out and saved Marty from a savage beating, and Hasbulla has been in a terrible mood ever since.
Wesley Crane lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin. Alexander Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face. The jeers and heckling get louder
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave
'Cause I'm peeping the visuals, I bring the visuals
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane went to the woods of upstate New York with his mentor, Timmy Draven, who worries that Wesley might have gone too far off the deep end as of late and wonders if The Anointed are the best company for him.
Phillip Blauer: See, that’s crazy sauce. I would give anything to hang out with The Anointed. I wish these guys would return my texts, but I totally get it. It takes a while for them to get them because I have a rotary cell phone. If I get a text and an alarm relatively close to each other, my phone smokes.
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the ocean of middle fingers, his smirk now a scowl. “The High Roller” Wesley Crane slowly makes his way to the ring, the entire time looking around at the booing Palm Springs fans. While Von Blankenship slowly walks towards the ring, he points to the fans holding up the “Rat Boy”, “Wesley Lame”, and “The Annoying” signs. He tells them loudly "I'm better than you, I’m better than you." as he goes by. Hasbulla obnoxiously blows that whistle while pointing at his tag team
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed feel no other tag team can touch them, and come into this match with the confidence of a team that have ruled this division for 9 months.
Once at ringside, Wesley Crane hands his belts to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr., and climbs up the steps. Before he enters the cage, he holds onto the ring ropes. AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, giving the cage the sign of the cross
Yolanda Ando: Alexander Von Blankenship is shirtless, wearing dark blue Adidas sweatpants, with his hands taped like a boxer, with “AVB” written across the knuckles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time “The High Roller” Wesley Crane was here was at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, when he successfully defended those Hardkore World Tag Team Championships with Dan Stein against Kalmin Watts and Gavin Drake. The last time Alexander Von Blankenship was here was Palm Springs Punishment 2023 when he lost a stairway to heaven match to The Sheik. At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, AVB lost in the main event to Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Syberus. His very first match was here in May of 2022, where he defeated former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Andrew Karnage in the first round of the tournament to decide the new champion.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, and seemingly ran Karnage out of the business.
Once inside the ring, Alexander Von Blankenship climbs one of the ladders, looking towards the entire Acrisure Arena. Crane stands in the center of the ring and holds his arms wide open
Alexander Von Blankenship: "Always Very Blessed!!!"
The boos grow louder as AVB hops off of the ladder. Hasbulla blows on his whistle on the outside in support of The Anointed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda, The Anointed are the hunted in this match. Their title reign has never been in more jeopardy with four other teams vying for those Hardkore World Tag Team title belts hanging over the ring.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, Featuring first; from Amsterdam, in The Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is The Son of The Bastard; Always Very Blessed…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!! And his partner is from Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds…“THE HIGH ROLLER” WESLEY CRANE!!! They are The Current HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…This is THE ANOINTED!!!”
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos and heckling while Hasbulla blows on his whistle on the outside.
Hardkore World Tag Team Champions
Harvey van Houten pops Phantam Fairtex with a boxing jab and Tommy Milligan signals for the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: And we are underway! “The High Roller” Wesley Crane cracks Mehrunes Smith with a right hand. The Sheik slugs Alexander Von Blankenship with a right cross to the jaw.
Leonard van Dam tries to hit Kilroy Evans with an overhand punch, but Kilroy captures his arm. Van Dam tries to counter with a left, but Kilroy catches that arm as well
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans batters van Dam with a flurry of trapped headbutts to the forehead!
The Palm Springs fans cheer! Another sharp jab to the face by Harvey van Houten to Phantam Fairtex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Scott Fargo smashes Crane between the eyes with a hard right hand. AVB takes over on The Sheik with a flurry of punches.
Phantam ducks the next boxing jab and takes Harvey van Houten over in a fireman’s carry. His brother, Tong Fairtex comes over and they hook him up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex with a double suplex on Harvey van Houten!
Harvey van Houten sits up in pain. Tong Fairtex stands up and walks right into a kick to the midsection by Leonard van Dam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fargo takes Crane over in a snapmare, and then Mehrunes Smith running penalty kicks the sitting Wesley in the face!
Hardkore Hall lets out a collective “OH!” but The End isn’t finished. Scott Fargo tags Crane in the spine with a soccer kick to get another pop from the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik stomps Wesley Crane over and over. He pulls Crane up, but Wesley comes up swinging! Kilroy Evans scoops Harvey van Houten up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker.
Wesley Crane headbutts The Sheik. Kilroy irish whips van Houten, but Harvey reverses it and shoots Evans into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten back body drops Kilroy high up over his shoulder! His partner Leonard van Dam grabs a reverse chinlock on Evans.
Phantam Fairtex mexican arm drags Scott Fargo. Van Dam grinds that chinlock along Kilroy’s jawline, while Phantam Fairtex applies an arm bar to Fargo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship stomps Mehrunes Smith’s foot!
Phillip Blauer: It’s the desert, probably saw a scorpion.
Guillermo O’Bannon: An angry Smith tries to kick him in the stomach, but AVB catches his foot. But Mehrunes swings around with an enzuigiri to the side of Von Blankenship’s head!
Phantam Fairtex sticks his knee into the ball of Scott Fargo’s shoulder, clamping down his armbarred arm. The Sheik picks up a ladder and walks over to where Leonard van Dam has Kilroy Evans in the reverse chinlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik wasting no time utilizing one of those ladders and smashes it down on the back of Leonard van Dam’s head!!
Phillip Blauer: I think a simple stomp could have freed Kilroy from a reverse chinlock but when in Rome, I guess.
The fans cheer the ladder being introduced. Leonard clutches the back of his head and kicks his toes in the mat. Meanwhile, Scott Fargo works his way to his feet with Phantam holding onto that armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Scott Fargo reaches down and scoops Phantam Fairtex and bodyslams him to escape the armbar.
Alexander Von Blankenship pulls Kilroy up and positions him near the ladder with a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB goes for a suplex on the ladder, but Kilroy blocks it. The Sheik comes over and they double snap suplex Von Blankenship! And Scott Fargo and Mehrunes Smith hit Wesley Crane with double legsweeps!
Phillip Blauer: Hey, they can’t just target the champs! Mingle! Mingle! How do you get these blasted people to chant stuff?
Wesley Crane rolls out of the ring and slaps the apron in frustration. Tong Fairtex pulls Leonard van Dam up, but van Dam grabs him by the wrist and twists his arm. Harvey van Houten irish whips Alexander Von Blankenship into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten tries to hit a cross body block, but AVB catches him and drops him into a backbreaker.
Hardkore Hall boos Von Blankenship as Harvey van Houten rolls out of the ring. Leonard van Dam gives Tong Fairtex’s arm another twist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship runs to attack The Sheik, but Kilroy Evans trips him with a drop toehold on the ladder!!
Hardkore Hall lets out a loud “OH!!” AVB covers his face in pain. Kilroy Evans rolls out of the ring. Hasbulla blows his whistle obnoxiously loud, constantly
Phillip Blauer: Not even that small boy’s sweet music can distract me from my worry for Avebah after that terrible fall on the ladder.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You know AVB are initials, right? You don’t think his name is really Avebah, do you?
Phillip Blauer: No, of course, I…he and I are great chums. Even to the point that I would know what his name is…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mehrunes Smith gets a running start and jumps over the ropes with a suicide dive onto Harvey van Houten and Wesley Crane!!
The fans jeer Smith as he lies on the floor with van Houten and Crane. Kilroy Evans takes one of the ladders and bridges it between the apron and the railing. Phantam Fairtex steps through the ropes out onto the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: By the ropes, Tong Fairtex muy thai clenches Leonard van Dam and then jacks him with several knee strikes to the body, as well as pulling him down into a knee smash.
Behind them, The Sheik picks up a ladder. On the floor, Phantam Fairtex pulls Havery van Houten up to his feet and starts brawling with him around the ringside area. Kilroy Evans rolls Wesley Crane up onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here in front of us at the announce position, Mehrunes Smith pulls Wesley Crane up by the hair, but Crane drops to his knees with a jawbreaker. Back inside the ring, The Sheik throws a ladder that smashes into Tong Fairtex and a just rising Alexander Von Blankenship!!
The Acrisure Arena roars at the sound of the steel ladder hitting Tong and AVB.
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) Why, that’s illegal! Ring the bell, Tammy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy.
Phillip Blauer: I know, but Hardkore World misspelled his name on his monogrammed referee shirt, and I just like giving him guff about it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans headlocks Wesley Crane on the apron, then runs and bulldogs him face first onto the bridged ladder on the railing and apron!!
The audience lets out a huge pop! In the aisleway, Harvey van Houten hits Phantam with some jabs, but Fairtex is overwhelming him with chops to the chest. Mehrunes Smith crawls back into the ring where The Sheik picks up the ladder again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten hits a desperation thumb to Phantam Fairtex’s eye in the aisle here behind us. Back in the squared circle, The Sheik turns around into Scott Fargo who shows quick instincts with a snap roundhouse kick to the ladder into Sheik’s face!!
The Sheik sprawls out and the ladder goes flying as the fans boo. In the aisle, Phantam Fairtex tries to shakes off his temporary blindness
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten scoops Phantam Fairtex up onto his shoulder, but Phantam floats over onto his feet behind him. Phantam grabs van Houten by the hair and smashes his face into the railing in the aisle!
Ringside fans scatter to get away from the area of the aisle where Phantam bashes van Houten face first into the guardrail. Inside the ring, Scott Fargo irish whips The Sheik into the ropes
illermo O’Bannon: Scott Fargo pops The Sheik up and Mehrunes Smith hits him with a rising knee strike!!
The Palm Springs fans heckle The End. Out on the floor, Kilroy Evans hooks Phantam Fairtex and suplexes his back into the cornerpost! Wesley Crane painstakingly rolls back into the ring. Tong Fairtex hammerlocks both of Alexander Von Blankenship’s arms behind his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex double chicken wing suplexes AVB! He gets up to muy thai elbow Wesley, but Crane ducks it and german suplexes Fairtex!
Tong rolls out of the ring as Hasbulla blows his whistle at him. The End double irish whip The Sheik into the ropes, but The Sheik hops on to the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hops back into a double springboard elbow that catches both members of The End!!
The audience cheers. The Sheik pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up by the hair, but AVB pokes him in the eye. Out on the floor, Harvey van Houten grabs a handful of Phantam Fairtex’s hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten knee lifts Phantam Fairtex in the aisle.
Phillip Blauer: Well, it was more in the face region.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Back in the ring, Leonard van Dam lines a ladder up on it’s side, and inverted atomic drops The Sheik’s groin on the ladder!!
The Palm Springs fans let out an “OH!” as The Sheik grimaces in pain. Scott Fargo gets underneath an unawares Alexander Von Blankenship with a spinning saito suplex! Hasbulla whistles on the outside in worry
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten is now up on the apron. He gets a running start and dives on to both Team Fairtex with a cross body!
Hardkore Hall pops. Leonard van Dam sets up the ladder on the mat and pulls The Sheik up by the hair. The Sheik slugs Leonard with a hard right hook
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik sits out and smashes van Dam into the ladder with a facebuster!
Harvey van Houten sets up a table and rolls Phantam Fairtex onto it. He climbs back up to the apron, but Tong follows him up there
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex hammers Harvey van Houten with muy thai punches, and replaces him on the table instead of his brother, Phantam.
Inside the ring, The Sheik comes off the second rope with a leg drop, but Mehrunes Smith rolls out of the way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong rolls back into the ring, runs into the ropes, hops onto the middle of the top rope and springboard sentons Harvey van Houten through the table!!
The crowd roars and starts chanting “FAIRTEX! FAIRTEX! FAIRTEX!!”
Phillip Blauer: They’re not fooling me, they’re just chanting that because they can’t tell them apart.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You might be right. Mehrunes Smith tiger suplexes The Sheik!
Meanwhile, Kilroy gets behind his brother, Phantam Fairtex and lifts him in an atomic drop, then ties him up into a tree of woe with his foot caught in the steel railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mehrunes Smith turns around into a superkick from “The High Roller” Wesley Crane! At ringside, Kilroy Evans backs up and then spears the upside down Phantam against the guardrail!!
Phillip Blauer: There’s too much action to call!
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re not calling any of it.
Phillip Blauer: I just gave my reason!
Inside the ring, Wesley Crane sets up a ladder underneath the belts. He goes to climb up but Leonard van Dam dropkicks him into the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship now climbing up the ladder underneath the Hardkore World Tag Team titles!
Phillip Blauer: The Anointed have had enough! Time to end this thing!
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB is under the title belts, he’s got his hand on one! But wait, Leonard van Dam is climbing up the other side!
Phillip Blauer: Get that Dutchman down!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leonard van Dam scoops AVB up on the ladder, and he presses him over his head!
The Palm Springs fans go wild as they cheer the impressive feat of Leonard military pressing Von Blankenship while standing on a ladder. At ringside, Hasbulla blows on his whistle in protest
Phillip Blauer: Ah! Nevermind, put him down!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leonard van Dam finally slams Alexander Von Blankenship down to the mat!!
The crowd continues it’s roar as AVB lies motionless on the mat. Now Leonard van Dam attempts to grab the belts, but Wesey Crane climbs up the other side
Phillip Blauer: No! Not The Dutch Express!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Dam trying to yank down those belts. Wesley Crane gets to the top and pulls Leonard down into a front facelock. Crane jumps off the ladder into a tornado DDT down to the mat below!!
Hardkore Hall groans after the prospect of The Dutch Express winning the Hardkore World Tag Team titles is momentarily over
Phillip Blauer: Phew.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans is back in the ring and electric chairs Scott Fargo up onto his shoulders. But Fargo squeezes his legs together and backflips into a poisonrana!!
The audience boos. Harvey van Houten climbs to the top turnbuckle and comes down and catches Wesley Crane between the eyes with a double ax handle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten pulls AVB up, but Von Blankenship with a desperation kick to his balls!
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know if it’s desperation, I think he just thinks it’s funny.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex in the ring now, and they take out Harvey van Houten with a double shoulderblock! Scott Fargo comed over but he catches a double DDT!
Tong Fairtex pulls Wesley Crane’s head into his legs and lifts him up as Phantam climbs to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex with a spike piledriver on Wesley Crane!!
Phantam Fairtex starts peppering AVB with muy thai knee and fist strikes while Tong begins climbing the ladder. The audience gets louder with every step
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex gets to the top of that ladder, but The Sheik climbs up the other side! The Sheik huracanranas Tong off the ladder to the mat below!!
The crowd erupts and chants “SHEIK!! SHEIK!! SHEIK!!” Kilroy and Phantam both look at their partners laying on the mat, then look at each other. They both get the same idea and begin climbing the ladder at the same time
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s a race to the top! Phantam gets there first…
Phillip Blauer: Of course, he’s so much more physically fit. The last ladder Kilroy climbed was to his bunk bed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam grabs for the belt, but Kilroy stops him! Fairtex gives him a guillotine choke on the top of the ladder!
Mehrunes Smith pulls Leonard van Dam into his legs and pulls him up into a high angle tigerbomb!! On the top of the ladder, Fairtex leans back, using gravity to put immense pressure on Evans’ neck. Some of the audience cheers for Phantam, while the rest chant “KILROY!! KILROY!! KILROY!!” Suddenly Hasbulla enters the ring
Phillip Blauer: A small child is in the ring!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, that’s Hasbulla!
Hasbulla starts shaking the ladder but it doesn’t move at all. Scott Fargo scoops Wesley Crane up into a brainbuster! Suddenly the fans cheer as Lil Corny starts making his way down to the ring with his tennis racket
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Lil Corny!
Phillip Blauer: I’m sorry, do we have a children’s locker room now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lil Corny runs into the ring and chases Hasbulla out by swinging that tennis racket at him!
Phantam Fairtex continues to squeeze Kilroy in the guillotine choke on the top of the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans slips his head out and does The Bad Touch diamond cutter on Phantam off of the ladder!!
The Palm Springs fans jump up and down in celebration while the ring is a car wreck. Lil Corny is celebrating with his tennis racket when Alexander Von Blankenship suddenly steals it from him
Phillip Blauer: Good, kid could put an eye out with that thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship cracks Lil Corny with his own tennis racket!!
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos as AVB stands over Lil Corny’s lifeless body, seemingly unsure of his action. Kilroy Evans gets up and sees Lil Corny lying there
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans is enraged as he attacks AVB!
Kilroy and Alexander Von Blankenship spill out to ringside as they punch one another, when suddenly Florida Man runs out
Phillip Blauer: Florida Man is still here! He must be on the no fly list still.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man biting the neck of Kilroy Evans!!
Phillip Blauer: He’s gonna need shots after that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans is going to need more than shots…
Phillip Blauer: No, I was talking about Florida Man.
Referees Tommy Milligan, Kelly O’Connell, Richie Richardson and Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. try to pull Florida Man off of Kilroy Evans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Meanwhile, his partner, The Sheik climbing up to grab the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships!
The Acrisure Arena chants “SHEIK!! SHEIK!! SHEIK!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik has a hand on each title…but The End knock the ladder down to the mat!!
The Sheik staggers to his feet, but The End is on either side of him, and spin out into a high low spin kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Total Elimination!!
Scott Fargo sets up the ladder underneath the belts, and then they both climb up either side of it
Guillermo O’Bannon: The End wisely taking up both sides of the ladder, and Mehrunes Smith plucks the Hardkore World Tag Team titles from the hook!!
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and the Palm Springs audience boos. Mehrunes Smith and Scott Fargo hold the Hardkore World Tag Team title belts up in the air. “Angel's Thanatos" by Akira Yamaoka plays
Greg Jin: “At 26 minutes 31 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE END!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The End have made history and won the Hardkore World Tag Team titles in their first big show here tonight! There was a lot of moving parts that are still going on…
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts to Hardkore Security seperating Kilroy Evans, Florida Man, and Alexander Von Blankenship. Blood is pouring down Kilroy’s neck where Florida Man bit him
Guillermo O’Bannon: …but The End had their tag team expertise on display here tonight and preserved through four other teams.
Scott Fargo and Mehrunes Smith stand in the center of the ring, each holding their Hardkore World Tag Team title belt up in the opposite hand
Phillip Blauer: It was an amazing 9 month reign for The Anointed. They went through membership changes but the heart of the group remained the same, me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They will go down as one of the great champions, joining Tempered Steel, The Creamer Dynasty, and the Miracle Violence Combination II. However, that was a horrible display by both AVB and Florida Man. Both have a reckoning with Kilroy coming.
Phillip Blauer: So do most double western cheeseburgers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, The End makes history here at Hardkore Hall, and sit atop the West Coast!
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next is our Hardkore West Coast title match between the new champion Simon Cruise, putting it on the line against former Hardkore World Champion Kalmin Watts.
Phillip Blauer: Look. I’m going to come right out and say it. I don’t like either of these guys.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But?
Phillip Blauer: Hmm?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (rolls his eyes) Two of Hardkore World’s top athletes looking to become King of the West!
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. The Acrisure Arena cheers wildly as a masked Kalmin Watts walks out from behind the curtain with the Wrestle: UK World Championship wrapped around his waist.
Phillip Blauer: What’s with the mask?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t you watch any of the promos?
Phillip Blauer: Show me the column in my paycheck that shows the money I get from watching promos.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin suffered a serious orbital socket injury in his marathon match with Cross Recoba when Cross used a chair and that mask is to protect it from further damage.
Phillip Blauer: He should have asked to borrow Mehrunes Smith’s mask. Have you seen that thing? It’s nifty!
Kalmin Watts jogs down to the ring as the Palm Springs fans reach out to touch him as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. try to hold them back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recently his manager…
Phillip Blauer: Not seen here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …has been concerned that since Kalmin Watts lost the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, that his brand needs retooling.
Phillip Blauer: Seems like sound marketing perception to me. You see, that’s why Kermit…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin.
Phillip Blauer: Kalmin Watts needs Anthony Jordan. Let Watts worry about dumb bells and hindu squats, and let Anthony Jordan do what Anthony Jordan does.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re not calling him Tony Bologna this month?
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) That’s not appropriate. The man’s not even Italian. Plus he’s a job provider. Not only has he managed Kalmin Watts to two World Championships on two different continents, but he threw a bone to old Scorpion there. You know, this business is brutal on it’s old timers. CM Punk is finding that out now. But leave it to someone like Anthony Jordan to provide some dignity for someone like ol’ Scorpy.
Yolanda Ando: Kalmin Watts is wearing an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thanks, Yolanda. The last time Kalmin Watts was here was Palm Springs Punishment 2023, when he teamed with Gavin Drake to unsuccessfully challenge for the Hardkore World Tag Team titles against “The Punisher” Dan Stein and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane. But just recently, over in Cardiff, Wales for Wrestle: UK, Kalmin Watts teamed with longtime Hardkore star Psychotic Goth to defeat Preston Reese and Wesley Crane.
Kalmin Watts steps through the ropes and starts loosening up his neck muscles. He messes with his mask, trying to straighten it out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan says that Kalmin Watts respects Simon Cruise and they both consider him a rival for years to come. But he doesn’t want Simon to have any illusions that it will somehow lessen the intensity in which the Wrestle: UK World Champion is going to come after him.
Phillip Blauer: He was just being polite. He doesn’t sweat this sawed off beach bum that has to look up to Kalmin Watts. That’s a little thing we call in the biz, “professional courtesy.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: I had no idea you even knew that word existed.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit, and it is for the HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, hailing from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is The Current Wrestle: UK World Heavyweight Champion…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The Hardkore fans cheer loudly! Watts nods and looks towards the entrance
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over The Acrisure Arena. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launches himself into the audience on Robinson, his talking surfboard. If any of the Palm Springs crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside. A fan holds up a sign that says “I’m A Cruise Dude”
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is Simon Cruise’s first Hardkore West Coast title defense after defeating “The High Roller” Wesley Crane in Denver. He got that shot after winning a threeway with Tuxedo Mask and The Sheik at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023. Once again, Simon says that the landlocked Palm Springs affects his mindset and he apparently hopes to offset that by getting inside the mind of Kalmin Watts by driving a further wedge between himself and Anthony Jordan.
Phillip Blauer: I’m getting a little tired of everyone picking on Kalmin Watts for having audacity of having a manager. Didn’t anyone ever hear of the great managers of yesteryear? Slick? “Coach” John Tolos? Sir Oliver Humperdink? Sonny Ono??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Heenan.
Phillip Blauer: What in God’s name is a Heenan?
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Guillermo O’Bannon: (clapping) That never gets old!
Phillip Blauer: I disagree.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Are you going to be like this the entire match?
Phillip Blauer: Can’t we get that little guy to come back and blow his whistle? That was nice.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Simon Cruise realizes that Kalmin Watts has his fans and he doesn’t want to alienate them by disparaging the former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, but he doesn’t much care for his manager. He was let down by Kalmin not addressing him personally, and feels he’s not taking this match, or Simon Cruise seriously.
Phillip Blauer: It’s shocking that someone wouldn’t take a grown man in board shorts with the proper gravity.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like every night, Simon Cruise wants to steal the show, and wants everyone vying for the Hardkore West Coast title.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds, The Big Kahuna, He is The Current HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The crowd roars as Simon Cruise flashes them a hang loose sign. The beach ball bounces around the audience while a fan in the front row waves his surfboard.
Hardkore West Coast Title Match
Richie Richardson signals for the bell. Simon Cruise and Kalmin Watts locks up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs a wristlock. He puts pressure on Cruise’s wrist and elbow, while Simon tries to push back.
Simon pushes Kalmin’s wristlock back, so Watts easily overtakes him with a headlock. He locks his hands together and clamps down on Simon’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise slips his head out and grabs a headlock of his own.
Phillip Blauer: Submission infringement.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise tries to pop Watts’ head off like a bottle top, and in doing so, is moving that protective mask a little so that Kalmin will be having trouble seeing.
Phillip Blauer: Picking on the handicapped. Despicable.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts escapes the headlock and does a go behind, and takes him to the mat with a rear waistlock takedown. He applies a hammerlock while Cruise is face down on the canvas.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in but Cruise doesn’t answer. He plants his palm on the mat, and then spins his body until he’s behind Kalmin in a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore West Coast Champion attempting to hold his own with the Oklahoma collegiate wrestler. Watts works his way to his feet and peels Cruise’s locked hands apart. But Simon takes him over into an arm drag.
Simon Cruise grabs an arm bar. Kalmin Watts fixes his mask’s eye holes, while Cruise clamps down his arm. Simon tries to rip the arm out of it’s socket
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts realizes he can’t stay on the mat with Cruise, and fights his way back to his feet with Simon hanging on to that armbar. Watts uses his free hand, to easily pick up the 205 pound Cruise and bodyslam his way out of the arm bar!
The fans cheer, but Simon Cruise hangs on and flips him right back into the armbar again, popping the crowd
Phillip Blauer: He’s like a sticker you can’t quite get off your shoe.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon sticks his knee into the ball of Watts’ shoulder. Watts kips back up to his feet, with Cruise continuing to hang on to that arm bar.
Kalmin Watts finally hip tosses his way out of the arm bar for good. Cruise rolls back up and charges, but Watts arm drags him. Kalmin fixes his mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Cruise up into a shoulderbreaker. He pulls Cruise up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes. Watts back drops him up high in the air!
Hardkore Hall cheers and Cruise sits up in pain. Watts pulls him up and into a reverse side waistlock and then gut wrench suplexes him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts goes for a suplex but Cruise blocks it. The quicker Simon Cruise hits him with a standing dropkick!
Watts tries to get to his feet but has to pull his mask back into place, and gets caught with a kneelift
Phillip Blauer: I gotta say, Kalmin Watts seems to be very hindered by that mask. He might want to consider just going blind instead.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’ll pass that along. Cruise irish whips him but Watts reverses it and shoots Simon into the ropes, catching him with a devastating full powerslam!
ONE!
TWO!
Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Simon Cruise up into a gutbuster.
A gasping Cruise holds his stomach and tries to regain his breath. He stands up but Watts is right behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Belly to back suplex by Kalmin Watts! He pulls Simon Cruise up into a bearhug!
The fans cheer as Cruise cries out in pain. Kalmin Watts clasps his wrist behind Simon’s lower back and crushes it with his powerful arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts, restricting Simon’s breathing, with that big chest pressing against Cruise’s. The Hardkore West Coast Champion tries to punch his way out of the bearhug, but Kalmin just clamps down.
Phillip Blauer: He just put out that fire. Where is Anthony Jordan, by the way?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He is clearly choosing to stay away, giving his client some space.
Richie Richardson asks Simon Cruise if he wants to submit, but the surfer shakes his head. Some of the fans chant “SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise nodding his head, feeding off the crowd’s energy. They were introduced to him just five months ago, Simon Cruise was here at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, defeating Little Dragon. However, he was here as a youth working ring crew.
Phillip Blauer: He always got my lunch order wrong. Chicken McNuggets with the breading and chicken separated in two different piles with the dipping sauces from Wendy’s, and a Mello Yello from Arby’s. How hard is that to remember?
He punches Watts’ forehead, but it has no effect.
Simon Cruise claps his hands together, ringing Kalmin’s head like a bell with his forearm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise with another bell clap, finally freeing him from the bearhug! He japanese arm drags Watts to the mat.
Another one whips Kalmin to the other side of the ring. Simon irish whips Kalmin Watts into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise with a diving clothesline that takes out Kalmin Watts!
The Acrisure Arena cheers, and Simon flashes them the “hang loose” sign
Phillip Blauer: I shall “hang” however I please. You’re not the boss of me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise measures him and then drops a leg across Watts’ jawline.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle. He waits for Kalmin to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise dives off the top rope with a flying body press but Kalmin Watts catches him!
Kalmin Watts walks him around the ring as the Palm Springs audience applauds his impressive show of strength
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts now walking Simon Cruise around the ring!
Phillip Blauer: Watts is just toying with him now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts bodyslams him but Simon hangs onto his leg and inside cradles him!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts gets to his feet first and whacks Cruise with a hard chop! Simon Cruise answers with a punch! Watts with another blistering chop!
Hardkore Hall “Woos!” with each chop from Kalmin Watts, and Simon responds with hard right hands
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts with another overhand chop to Cruise’s chest!
Phillip Blauer: That’s going to leave a mark.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon comes back with a punch, but Kalmin catches his arm.
Simon Cruise tries to punch him with his free left hand, but Watts catches that one as well. Cruise gulps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin double arm overhook suplexes Simon Cruise!
The crowd applauds. Watts pulls Cruise up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts chops Cruise in the throat with a reverse knife edge, taking him out!
The Palm Springs audience gets louder! Simon clutches his throat, as he tries to breathe. Watts pulls him back up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts scoops him up and drops his spine across his knee with a backbreaker. He lifts Simon up into a vertical suplex and just leaves him up there!
The fans applaud as Kalmin holds a shaky Cruise up there, but soon Simon falls on top of him in a body press
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Phillip Blauer: Looks like someone forgot to eat their Wheaties this morning.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It could be that orbital injury coming back to haunt him. Kalmin gets up and walks right into a roundhouse kick!
Phillip Blauer: Well that’s not gonna help his orbital situation.
Kalmin Watts falls through the ropes to the floor below. He gets back up near the apron and has to fix his mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise hits the ropes and baseball slide dropkicks Kalmin Watts into the guardrail!
Cruise steps through the ropes out onto the ring apron. He gets a running start along the apron and jumps off with a kneelift that catches Watts right between the eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘17!!
Phillip Blauer: Was that a good year for wipeouts or something? I’m not following.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m not surprised. Simon Cruise back in the ring and runs into the ropes. He somersaults over the ropes with a Tailspin tope con hilo!!
Hardkore Hall erupts and the fans chant “SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!” Simon Cruise crawls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise suicide dives over the ropes but Kalmin Watts avoids it and the Hardkore West Coast Champion crashes into the railing!!
The fans let out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Cruise hitting the guardrail. Watts adjusts his mask, then bodyslams Cruise on the concrete! Simon arches his back in pain as Kalmin Watts rolls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise pulls himself back up to the apron, but Kalmin is waiting for him on the other side. He suplexes Cruise back into the ring, bounces Simon’s feet on the top rope into a slingshot suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops him up and drops Cruise into a ribbreaker. Another one! He pulls him up for another one, but decides against it and just dumps him on the mat.
Phillip Blauer: One has to be judicious in their ribbreakers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts irish whips Cruise into the ropes and catches him coming back with a spinning belly to belly suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts applies an abdominal stretch. He uses that 10 inch height advantage he has to rack Cruise across his body.
Simon Cruise screams in great agony while Kalmin pulls back on his hooked arm. Richie Richardson asks Cruise if he wants to tap out but he screams out “No!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts plants his foot and leans back on that arm, stretching Simon’s abdominal muscles.
Phillip Blauer: Hence the name.
Some of the fans start clapping faster and faster, trying to root Simon Cruise on. Cruise bangs his head in time with the clapping
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise plants his feet and hip tosses his way out of the abdominal stretch. Watts gets up and kicks him in the stomach, then pulls him up for a piledriver, but Cruise rolls up onto his shoulders and around to the back of his neck, then tucks forward for a victory roll!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise does a handspring into a Radomizer mule kick to Kalmin Watts’ face!
Cruise steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and then springboard sentons Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘18!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts gets his shoulder up!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise tries to put the big man out with a sleeper hold. He clamps down on the head and throat of Kalmin Watts, thrashing him from side to side. These two have battled for 20 minutes already, and Cruise attempting to use the bigger man’s fatigue against him.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks Kalmin Watts if he wants to give up but doesn’t get an answer. He tests Watts’ arm but he keeps it up and the match continues
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts powers his way back to his feet, but Simon Cruise is not letting go of that sleeper. Cruise piggybacks onto Watts so he can continue to squeeze the air from the big wildebeest.
Phillip Blauer: Hardly seems nice.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts might be going down again, this time for good! But he uses the last of his strength to backpedal into the corner, squashing Cruise against the turnbuckles!
The fans cheer. Watts adjusts his mask while he tries to catch his breath. He scoops Cruise up on his shoulder and backs into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Running powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Kalmin Watts goes to the corner to wait for Simon Cruise to get up. He gets down in a three point stance and the Palm Springs crowd roars in anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts charges in with an Oklahoma Tackle that nearly knocks Simon Cruise out of the ring!
Kalmin Watts applies a stomach claw. Cruise grimaces in pain, and pulls himself up to his feet while Watts squeezes his abdominal muscles with his powerful hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts grabs Cruise by the legs and spinebusters him hard into the mat!
The fans cheer loudly as the impact bounces Watts right back up to his feet. He pulls down his straps and pulls Simon back up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts goes for a textbook suplex, but Simon Cruise pulls Kalmin’s mask to the side, over his eyes, and rolls back into a small package!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Palm Springs crowd leaps to their feet! A blinded and angry Kalmin Watts tries to get his mask right so he can see! “Riptide” by Vance Joy plays as Simon Cruise flees the ring and collects his Hardkore West Coast Championship from Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr.
Greg Jin: “At 23 minutes 30 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Phillip Blauer: That’s illegal! You can’t use a man’s orbital protection unit against him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts is nearly 10 inches taller than Cruise and outweighs him by 60 pounds. I think after 20 plus minutes, Simon was ready to use any advantage he could.
Kalmin Watts argues with Richie Richardson, who claims there is nothing illegal about using your mask against you
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise with a huge victory here tonight, getting through his first title defense against a former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion.
Simon Cruise celebrates with some ringside fans with his Hardkore West Coast title
Guillermo O’Bannon: As I said earlier, perhaps Kalmin Watts’ eye injury affecting him here tonight in Palm Springs as he seemed a little off. Coming up fans is the XHF Junior Heavyweight Title Match between Zoran Sainovic and El Rey! Don’t go away!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans up next we have some XHF Global Action-
Phillip Blauer: That's right, Guillermo! It is time for Hardkore World to become the new GUNS of the XHF - with a grotesque monopoly on all the XHF branded titles! ...And who better to make us look superior than GUNS' favourite son?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It will be The Anointed's El Rey challenging his mentor, Zoran Sainovic for the Junior Heavyweight Championship!
Phillip Blauer: First the X*Crown, now the JHC - and you can take that to the bank!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don't think it will be a cake walk, Phil. The two of us saw this dieting Zoran at Marty'N'Tinto's Birthday Bash... and he seemed dangerously hangry.
Phillip Blauer: Don't mention cake, he'll go on a stabbing spree!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Couldn't happen to a nicer guy than El Rey. ...though I certainly hope that HKW can win more gold. Let's throw it over to Greg Jin for introductions...
In the ring, Greg looks suspiciously at his cue cards... he doesn't recognize the writing - but his main professional polish is reading whatever is handed to him, regardless of consequences.
Greg Jin: The following contest is the BETTER HALF of the double main event!
Phillip Blauer: Double main event? I'd bet money on what Serbian career wrestling politician swapped cue cards on Greg.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jonnie is not going to like that-
Greg Jin: ...And is for the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Audience: We Like Titles POP!!!
Greg Jin: Entering first, the challenger - coming to us by way of Atlanta, Georgia - he stands at 5'10", weight in at 203lbs... please give a warm round of applause for-
Atlanta's Favourite Son-
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLL REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up there surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey is a former JHC title holder - having lost the strap at Night of Champion's Cruiserfest, in a match eventually won by his mentor.
Phillip Blauer: You know Rey is itching for revenge!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Actually he wanted nothing to do with this match, and on our Maui joint show was tricked into it by Sainovic - as a test. Watch the programs, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: I watch lots of things...
Greg Jin: And the champion... coming to us from Atlanta, George by way of Belgrade, Serbia - he stands at 6'1", and weighs in at 210lbs - that part was underlined. Please give a warm Hardkore World welcome to...
THAT XHF DEVIL-
YOUR FINAL BOSS-
ZOOOOOOOOOOOOORAN SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINOVIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Heavy’s “Big Bad Wolf” pumps over the PA system.
#With Time Slipping Away#
#I Can't Say What I'll Do...#
#You Got Nothing To Saaaaaaaaaaaay#
#'Til I Tell You Who's Whoooooooooooooo#
#You Know Why?#
The arena is plunged into darkness, before white spotlights search through the crowd - finally coming to a rest by the ramp. The flash of a blade draws attention to the entrance curtains, just as a scythe cuts them down. The XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion steps out into the arena, his appearance triggering a surge of pyro. Red and orange fireworks cast the middle age European in a light that is reminiscent of hell.
#Cos I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
The XHF Devil’s appearance sparks a steady stream of garbage to be tossed at the entranceway. This reaction is no doubt for stabbing Marty. If he'd come earlier, the audience would be throwing roses instead.
#And I'm Blowing Down Your Neighbourhood#
Zoran uses the steps to enter the ring, greeted by a barrage of red and white streamers. As the Final Boss centers himself, a second volley of pyro is set off.
#I SAID#
#AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#
The sparks burn away the thin streamer paper - until the flaming scraps fall off Zoan's shoulders. Those familiar with the monster from the rest of the network will notice Sainovic seems to have dropped thirty pounds of muscle. He is still scary though. Unfastening the JHC, Sainovic hands it to referee Kenzie McSpurts - and stares daggers at Rey.
Phillip Blauer: So these two are currently tagging?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They have already advanced through the first round of XHF's Annihilator - and will face The Anointed next week.
Phillip Blauer: But Rey is a member... there is nothing stopping him from turning on Sainovic, and turning it into a gang beating.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran didn't seem concerned. That would probably be his preference.
Phillip Blauer: That guy is sick.
DING! DING! DING!
As the bell rings, Zoran explodes out of the corner - into a... handshake.
El Rey: May the better man win.
Smiling coldly, Sainovic stops his attack, shaking hands.
Zoran Sainovic:Zat's alright Rey, I really need you to win.
Oh no, El Rey isn't falling for those passive aggressive barbs - this is going to be a friendly.
El Rey: Just so long as the focus is on our technical display and friendship...
Nodding at this mission statement of "no blood or cripplings," El Rey starts to let go of the handshake. He's letting go of his grasp. He's clearly trying to move away. What the hell, let go of my hand! What a tight grip. Even in his emaciated state, Sainovic holds his ground. El Rey tries to pull himself away, not unlike a frustrated toddler, but is also trying to maintain his badass image. It's a difficult balance.
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey trying to shake off, but Sainovic holding firm.
Zoran Sainovic: Treat me like I'm anyone else...
El Rey (thinking about gnawing his own arm off): I couldn't do that. I, uh, respect you too much?
The grip gets stronger, forcing El Rey down a knee as he worries about breaking his hand.
Zoran Sainovic: Knock it off, Rey. We probably have Ze End in two weeks, and I need you LETHAL. If Scottie Fargo shook your hand, how would it play out?
El Rey (using his free hand to try to pull Sainovic's claw open): I'd really rather not...
Zoran Sainovic: Anyone else offers you a hand, what do the get, Rey?
El Rey (near tears): Please don't make me...
Zoran Sainovic: DO IT!
Jumping back up to his feet, El Rey kicks Zoran in the crotch to break the handshake.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Guillermo O’Bannon: EL REY STARTING THINGS OFF WITH A LOW BLOW ON HIS SAINOVIC & SON FATHER FIGURE!
A hush falls over the crowd, as they fully expect El Rey to be murdered for this move. He was relatively new to the HKW roster, so they are sure they'll get over Rey's demise quickly - but still kind of sad. You could hear a pin drop. Which makes it all the more menacing when Sainovic's laughter rings out.
Phillip Blauer: The handshake... didn't break!
Zoran Sainovic: Call that a low blow?
El Rey (trembling): I really want this to be a clean-
Zoran Sainovic: AGAIN!
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey with another thrust kick to the crotch! But Zoran stands his ground!
Zoran Sainovic: YOU CAN DO BETTER!
#SMACK#
Phillip Blauer (cringe): That one was loud enough that I could hear it...
Guillermo O’Bannon: This seems nonsensically traumatic, but I hear Sainovic like adopting anyway.
Zoran Sainovic: Do you even like gold?
Snapping, and hand turning purple, El Rey unloaded with some rapid fire STIFF Kawada kicks to Zoran's crotch.
#SMAAAACK#
#SMAAAAAAAAACK#
#SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK#
The last kick is so hard that Sainovic doubles over, the gap is loosened.
Zoran Sainovic:Zat's more like it my boy.
El Rey stands up, confident that he can beat Zoran - he just needed to find the way. The path is now clear - hit groin shots until Zoran's testicles have swollen up to the size of grapefruits, and the old man won't be able to chase him. Rey feels just like Luke Skywalker in the Dark Side Cave. Yoda is screwed!
#THUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD#
The confidence is short lived as Zoran breaks the handshake by knocking El Rey off with a hellacious forearm smash.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After all that work on El Rey's part, Zoran is the one to make the break. Needlessly cruel.
Phillip Blauer: What a dick.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You took the words right out of my mouth.
Leaning over his downed protege, Zoran offers Rey a hand up. El Rey starts to take it, only to stop himself. Good. He's learning. Rey rolls back to put some space between himself and the haggard ghoul. Shaking his hand to get some feeling back in it, El Rey circles the ring like he was sizing Zoran up. He starts to dart in a few times, but stops himself. When the hand upgrades from purple to blue, El Rey shoots in for a collar tie-up... only before Zoran can cinch it in, the smaller man uses his superior speed to slink around back for a waistlock! This is going to be a technical wrestling match whether Zoran likes it or not. Rather than try to wrestle out of it, Sainovic just throws back a hard elbow which ROCKS Rey off of him. ER tries to shoot in with a double leg takedown, but Sainovic knees him in the face. Sainovic charges in with a jumping kneelift, but Rey slides under his mentor. Recovering to attack from behind, Rey once again tries to shepherd the contest away from hard strikes and back into the technical arts - by applying a waistock. Sainovic again tries to shake the younger star off with elbows, but this time Rey is able to bob and weave away from them. Reaching over, Zoran tries to find a fist full of hair to ace breaker out - but before he gets the chance, Rey falls back turning it into a school boy roll-up. 1... 2... big kickout.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Just as the champion forced Rey to hit low, Rey is now forcing the two to chain wrestle. Perhaps looking for a flash pin to end this with a quick surprise.
Phillip Blauer: I'm rooting for Rey here, but if he is looking for a surprise pin, he'd better hope Zoran doesn't notice it worked until they have a view states between them.
Rey tries to apply a wristlock - but Zoran whips him into the corner. ER hits the turnbuckles hard enough that he rebounds back. Zoran changes in to meet him with a Pressure Point, but Rey ducks under and again applies the waistlock like he may still lull Sainovic into a false sense of security. El Rey is insidious that way. This time Zoran stomps on the foot, loosening the grasp, then spins around with another elbow, which Rey avoids but has to give enough slack that Zoran twists out. Sainovic starts to pull Rey into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but has lost enough muscle that Rey usable to transition it into a victory roll. It doesn't look pretty but does get a 1... 2 count before Zoran reverses it. Thee is a 1 count, but Zoran lets go because that isn't how this is going to end. Sainovic hoists Rey off the canvas for a spine buster, but Rey turns it into a inside cradle! 1... 2... foot in the ropes. El Rey continues this chain wrestling rouse, because the alternative would be painful.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Impressive mat work on display from the latest addition to The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: Even if its not causing too much physical damage, he just has to keep t up. With Zoran yo-yo diet to stay a junior heavyweight, he'll be gassed in no time. Rey just has to stay two moves ahead-
Guillermo O’Bannon: ...and he's chain wrestled his way into another handshake.
El Rey: Oh come on!
ER kicks the ropes in frustration, but referee Kenzie McSpurts informs him that a handshake isn't the kind of hold he'd enforce a rope break over.
Phillip Blauer: El Rey just ca't catch a break.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This good sportsmanship is going to be the death of him.
El Rey: You asked for it!
Hand being crushed by Zoran, El Rey leaps onto the middle ropes, then dives off with a dropkick to the crotch!
#THWAP#
The Final Boss seems unfazed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sainovic using the handshake to pull Rey into a VICIOUS short-arm closeline- but doesn't let go! Just drags him back up into another! And another! And Another! And Another! And Another! And Another! And Another!
Phillip Blauer: Stop! He's already dead!
Guillermo O’Bannon: And ANOTHER!
Being pulled back up in the air like a rag doll, which is no small feat as Sainovic currently looks like a rag doll, Rey desperately kicks out hitting a makeshift enziguri.
#THWACK#
The kick hits hard enough that Zoran releases his hold. Rey tries to recover on the canvas, but Sainovic just stands there - semi-conscious. Rey notices a few strands of hair on his boot. Gross. Wait, is that blood? Even more gross! Rey tries to wipe his boot off on the canvas. Zoran reaches up, and checks the back of his head - heavy bleeding from a misplaced heel.
Phillip Blauer: Rey draws first blood! Good for him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What are you saying? How can any good come from that?
Phillip Blauer: Oh you're right, RUN REY!
Wide eyed, Rey rolls out under the bottom rope before Zoran can give him a receipt. Perhaps a breather on the floor will let calmer heads prevail?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
#CRASH#
Guillermo O’Bannon: SUICIDE DIVE!
Diving out of the ring, Zoran drives El Rey into the guardrail. Before Rey can recover, Zoran grinds his face into the guardrail. Kenzie McSpurts begins a 10 count. 1. While Rey tries to pull himself off the guardrail, Zoran starts clubbing down with forearm smashes. 2. Lifting Rey up in the air, Zoran hits a press into the guardrail. 3. Rey staggers off. Sainovic tries to grab his wrist, but El Rey arm drags him into the guardrail. 4. Before Zoran can pull himself off the steel, Rey hits a stinger splash into it. The force is enough to dislodge the steps. 5! Confidence building, El Rey climbs up onto the apron, leaps into the ropes, then dives off with an Asai Moonsault that further grinds Zoran into the steel. 6! That is plenty of time! Climbing back up onto the apron, this time Rey jumps up to the top turnbuckle before leaping off!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Guillermo O’Bannon: TOPE CON HI-
#CRASH#
Sainovic rolls to one side, leaving Rey to splatted against the jagged edges of the overturned steps. 7! Grabbing Rey by the ankle, Zoran drags him down the steps so that Rey hits every step on the way down to the concrete floor. 8! Not wanting to retain, let alone on a count out, Zoran giant swings Rey under the bottom rope and into the ring. 9! Zoran waits a moment to show the referee who is boss. There is no 10 count coming - before following Rey into the ring. No sooner does Sainovic reenter, then Rey is on top of him with boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sainovic just beating the count, and Rey immediately pounces - stomping a hole in him.
Phillip Blauer: It's Zoran's fault for taking his sweet time coming back in. Rey has the better cardio to begin with. Zoran might play up being scary, but since going down a weight division he's lost to both Copycat AND Tinto. I've seen it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: If you look at his stats, the champion has lost more matches in the last two months than he has the rest of the year. Rey certainly showing more confidence now, trying to open up that cut in the back of Sainovic's head.
Going up top, Rey comes off the top with a double stomp! 1... 2... fistful of ropes. Sainovic starts to climb back up using the ropes, but Rey continues to stomp away, trying to keep the older man down. Eventually Zoran grabs one of the feet aimed at his chest, twists it, then tosses Rey back. Before Rey can recover, Zoran is back up to his feet. This isn't good. The Final Boss starts to charge at the challenger with a pressure point!
El Rey: No Steve, I can take care of this myself!
Zoran turns, a blade drawn fro his sleeve to gut Steve Awesome - nothing.
Phillip Blauer: Rey bluffs that he had Anointed backup.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why doesn't he have Anointed back-up?
Phillip Blauer: He doesn't want to piss Zoran off. Steve Awesome shows up, and Zoran would MURDER Rey.
When Sainovic turns back to Rey from the phantom Steve with a sneer, he's immediately drawn into a-
Guillermo O’Bannon: INSIDE CRADLE!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THR- NO!
Phillip Blauer: Slow count! Come on ref! I swear these XHF officials with their slow counts are just trying to screw Hardkore World.
Both men scramble up to their feet, only for Sainovic to NAIL Rey with a sickle strike.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rey trying to sucker Zoran into another flash pin, and I think he's finally succeeded in rubbing his mentor the wrong way.
Rey charges in for a Rana, but Sainovic catches him with a STIFF knife-edge chop that hacks him out of the air. Rey falls to the canvas, holding his midsection in pain, but doesn't have too long to rub his wounds before Sainovic hits him with an overhand knife-edge chop. Rey tries to bring his arms up to defend, but Zoran just keeps chopping away.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shouldn't have mentioned Awesome. Up until that point, it looked like Zoran genuinely wanted Rey to win, but now-
Phillip Blauer: Why did Zoran want to lose? Is it just the dieting thing?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He also wanted to get Rey out of the Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: How would winning the JHC get Rey out of the Anointed?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It's a touring belt, Phil. Rey would be on the road defending against other federations, and wouldn't have time to hang out with the Anointed in HKW.
Phillip Blauer: Wait, so the XHF global prize is to lose whatever talent wins it? That is horrid. Why did Jonnie throw in with these clowns?
As Phil makes sense, Zoran continues to beat his protege into raw hamburger. Survival instincts kicking in, Rey answers the onslaught with some stiff kicks of his own. A thrust kick to the gut causes Zoran to double over, seeing the older man up for a face wash. Just when it looks like repeated kicks t the head are going to knock the champion out, Zoran fires back with rapid fire tomahawk chops - drawing blood. Another big boot - connects with the jaw. Back and forth the men exchange strikes while the crowd counts along. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27.
Phillip Blauer: I didn't know they could count that high.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Really Phil, stop teasing the audience. And the tag team of Sainovic & Son almost out on their feet but still going blow for blow.
45. Now each shot staggers them, and it is pure spite that keeps both men standing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran shaking off another kick to the ribs - which look broken - and going in for the pressure point! No, ducked-
El Rey staggers around, again going for a waistlock, only this time turns it into a dragon suplex - dropping Sainovic on his neck. The striking stalemate at an end, the audience cheer. Not because they like El Rey - screw that guy - but because they weren't caught in the embarrassing reveal that they don't know the number 47. With Zoran down, a wobbly El Rey goes up top-
Phillip Blauer: 630 Senton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran getting a foot in the ropes, and Rey is livid.
Zoran starting to stir, El Rey is quick to push the can barely walk offence- jumping into the ropes for a springboard 450-
Phillip Blauer: E-RAY PRESS-
Guillermo O’Bannon: NO, Sainovic catches him with the Harvester-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-foot in the ropes.
Grabbing Rey by the throat, Zoran rams him headfirst into the corner turnbuckle - choking him while slamming his head again and again into the post. Fatigue from his body eating itself makes this MOWDOWN less intense than usual, and Rey is able to hook a leg over the neck, breaking it with his rocker dropper - Tribute. Picking Zoran up, Rey charges out of the corner with a Fireman's carry, then drops the older man with a reverse DDT.
Phillip Blauer: E-Ratio Variation 3!
Guillermo O’Bannon: You learned all the variations - no wonder you don't want Rey to win the title and tour away... follows it up with a standing shooting star press for the cover-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-kickout.
El Rey starts to go for the E-Reytio Variation 2, only to eat a PRESSURE POINT. A follow-up forearm keeps Rey on his feet, and back into the ropes, where a rising Zoran hits a-
Guillermo O’Bannon: SICKLE CLUTCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillip Blauer: NO, Rey somehow getting a shoulder up!
Shaking his head, Zoran starts to apply the Interrogation '19 - with a thumb over his protege's eye.
Zoran Sainovic: I hope pirate gimmicks make a comeback my boy, because if zat's all you've got - you're going to be sporting an eye patch.
Phillip Blauer: I can't watch-
Like Copycat, Zoran is about to pulp El Rey's eye - when his plucky protege twists out into a standing backflip cutter!
Guillermo O’Bannon: SLICED BREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THR-Zoran breaks the pin with an eye gouge.
A hush falls over the crowd as they wonder if Rey still has both eyes. He does. They cheer. But the celebration is short lived, as Zoran stops another dragon suplex attempt with a knee lift... then pulls Rey into a Balachko Clutch.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobra Clutch variation gets-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE- Rey with a foot in the ropes.
Zoran Sainovic: ...if... you zink... I'll take it easy on you, because I need a partner. Just... remember... if you... die... I can win it alone.
The Final Boss takes all fight out of Rey with a sleeper hold. Rey tries to counter, but Zoran just drops flat - turning it into the Sleep Deprivation. Sick of trading finishers, and expecting more fro Rey than that - Sainovic lifts his tag partner up in the air for The Pain-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Only this lesser form, with thirty pounds less of muscle, takes a few extra seconds to lift El Rey up for the high angle of the spike. Just enough time for El Rey to shift his weight into what looks like a crossbody block - but at an awkward enough angle that it pins Zoran to the canvas turning his spine into an accordion.
Phillip Blauer: REVERSAL!
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey with a press at an awkward angle-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DING! DING! DING!
Greg Jin: The winner of this match... and NEW XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion,
ELLLLLLLLLLLLLL REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY
The crowd cheer - not because they like El Rey, frankly they were kind of hoping that Zoran would kill him, but HKW has another global title!
Phillip Blauer: What did we just see?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Almost all the XHF Global titles are belonging to us!
The applause wakes the two men in the ring, who slowly crawl up to their knees.
El Rey (as excited as a small child): I DID IT, ZORAN!
Zoran Sainovic (already eating a Big Mac): I KNEW YOU COULD, REY!
The two horribly bruised men stagger up to their feet. El Rey offers a handshake.
El Rey: Thanks.
Zoran Sainovic (shaking head in disgust at the handshake): What are we, enemies?
Ignoring Rey's hand, Zoran gives his tag partner a hug.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Display of affection for Sainovic & Son - it's shocking to think they're the frontrunners for the Annihilator tournament.
Phillip Blauer: Which Anointed did we send?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hesbulah version.
As the hug stops, Sainovic raises Rey's arm in victory. It is at this moment that it becomes apparent they both have knives sticking out of their backs.
Phillip Blauer: They just can't help it can they...
El Rey: What the- is this a toy?
Rey tries to pull out the knife, only to find his King Arthur dreams go up in the air - as that blade isn't going anywhere. The new champion passes out.
Zoran Sainovic (noticing the knife in his own back, but still eating a rack of lamb): Damn it Rey, if I've said it once, I've said it a zousand times, you need to twist to do any real damage!
The Final Boss pulls the knife out of his own back, which starts to spurt blood like a lawn sprinkler. Maybe its the sudden blood loss, or the sugar high of eating real food - but the XHF Devil passes out as well. Both members of Sainovic & Son bleed out in the middle of the ring.
Phillip Blauer: I hate to be the voice of reason, but if the world title match doesn't want to be a slip & slide situation, we should probably get some paramedic out here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Those two deserve each other.
Phillip Blauer: And how.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans, and we are back here in Palm Springs! The home base!
Phillip Blauer: The place that has my picture up at all the tanning salons asking the employees to notify police immediately!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m Guillermo O’Bannon, along with Phil Blauer and Hardkore Fashion reporter Yolanda Ando. After our blockbuster show with JROK in Hawaii, we’re back in the continental US, back in Palm Springs…
Phillip Blauer: And back to days so hot, your phone overheats in an air conditioned car.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our main event here tonight is a big one! Cross Recoba, after defeating JROK Visual Kai Champion Brendan Harding in a Two out of Three Falls match, will take on the undefeated former Hardkore World Champion “The Punisher” Dan Stein.
Phillip Blauer: Pardon my french, but that’s redonkulous. You can’t become a number one contender on an operating table. You can’t just waltz in here with your big stick and tell everyone you’re the number one contender.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You tell him.
Phillip Blauer: Well…I can’t do everything around here. I already…plan the company picnic.
Yolanda Ando: That gets canceled every year.
Phillip Blauer: Because we’re in Ireland for most of the summer!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s going on at this year’s picnic?
Phillip Blauer: It’s canceled.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then we have to clean the place up a bit, because XHF is visiting! XHF Junior Heavyweight Zoran Sainovic, after defeating Lord Dominicus in Houston at Wrestle: UK’s Showdown In Texas, Sainovic comes to the West Coast to take on former champion El Rey.
Phillip Blauer: El Rey should have never lost that title in the first place. Like with many other things, Palm Springs will be a place for healing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok. These two have quite a history, going back to last year’s End of Days and El Rey’s attempted treachery. Zoran Sainovic making his second appearance in Hardkore World after his match with Marty in February. We’ll see if it’s a successful one.
“Time to Rock and Roll” plays and “The Canadian Beauty” Latoya Hixx comes out pointing her one finger in the air
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here is the newest member of the Hardkore Women’s division! She has held the women’s championship in PWC and ECWF, and was Intercontinental Women’s Champion for SGW.
Phillip Blauer: What was she pointing to up there? Are we being recorded??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes?
Latoya Hixx walks down the aisle and high fives some fans of hers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Latoya Hixx is an accomplished veteran with quite a tall order for her first match in Hardkore World, taking on two time Hardkore Women’s Champion, and a 25 year veteran Ri Eun-Ae. However, this is not her first big match, and if anyone can score an upset, it’s her.
Hixx gets inside of the ring and climbs up on the top rope. She does the one finger and raises it up in mid air. She gets down and her music dies down as she waits for her opponent to arrive
Greg Jin: “Hello Ladies and Gentleman, and welcome back to Hardkore Hall!”
The Palm Springs fans roar and start a chant of “HARDKORE WORLD! HARDKORE WORLD! HARDKORE WORLD!” while Greg Jin smiles along
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Toronto, Ontario, Canada; Standing 5 feet 4 inches tall; Weighing 125 pounds…’THE CANADIAN BEAUTY’ LATOYA HIXX!!!”
The audience pops as "Adrenaline" by Rosetta Stone plays and the fans jump to their feet! Ri Eun-Ae walks out giving the fans a peace sign
Phillip Blauer: Two? Two what? Latoya indicated she only wanted one of whatever she wants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae, the former Makoto Jupiter, made her return at the JROK show in Maui in the fourway match to decide the new Hardkore Women’s Champion. Rin Kubo came out the winner in that one, and now Ri hopes to win this and get into contention for the next shot against the champ.
Ri Eun-Ae slaps fans hands as they pat her on the back, and even hugs a few familiar Palm Springs fans that have watched her since 1998
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Ri Eun-Ae was in Palm Springs was nearly twenty years ago, October 12, 2004 when she lost her Hardkore Women’s Championship to Xyrynth in a fourway with and Darlene, Phoenix "The Killer Geisha".
Phillip Blauer: Ah, Darlene. She broke every glass we had backstage when she thought she was shorted on her match check. (chuckles) We sure learned to keep our hooch in thermoses that run, am I right?
Guillermo O’Bannon: She broke the mug my daughter made me that said World’s Greatest Daddy.
Phillip Blauer: Well, Darlene didn’t like liars. Especially mugs that lie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: has been training hard for this moment, and appears more focused than her friend Tuxedo Mask is.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, so we won’t have to wake her up when her theme music starts?
Eun-Ae climbs to the top turnbuckle and backflips into the ring to pop the crowd! She goes to a split and gives them another peace sign as Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a tight close up
Phillip Blauer: We get it, she’s pretty. Isn’t there more important news we could focus on? I hear Greg’s adopting.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is that true?
Phillip Blauer: No, but I heard it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is a second chance for Ri Eun-Ae and she is not letting it go to waste. Unfortunately she is in the ring with a decorated veteran, Latoya Hixx.
Greg Jun: “And her opponent is from Olympia, Washington; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 148 pounds…RI EUN-AE!!!”
The Palm Springs fans erupt as Ri Eun-Ae yells “Yeah!” while throwing up the peace sign
Ri Eun-Ae vs. "The Canadian Beauty" Latoya Hixx[hr]
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson signals for the bell and Eun-Ae and Hixx circle one another
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Canadian Beauty” Latoya Hixx goes in to lock up, but Ri backs her off with a left palm thrust to the nose.
A dazed Latoya Hixx backs off, backpedaling as she tries to regain her wits. Eun-Ae moves in for the kill but Hixx backs her off with reverse knife edge chop. A second ont gets a “Woo!” out of the crows
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hixx with another blistering chop to the chest of Ri. Eun-Ae responds with another shotei palm strike to the face.
Latoya Hixx tries for another chop but Ri Eun-Ae twists Hixx’s arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae gives Hixx’s arm another twist.
Phillip Blauer: One more and she could pop her elbow out of the socket.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae begins battering the back of Hixx’s head with kicks while holding on to her twisted arm!
Acrisure Arena starts to counting along as Ri Eun-Ae whacks Hixx with kicks to the back of the head and shoulders
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT!
NINE!
TEN!
Guillermo O’Bannon: A dazed Latoya Hixx falls to the mat!
Hardkore Hall shouts “COMBO!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae irish whips Hixx into the ropes, but Latoya comes back with a bicycle kick to the chest!
The fans cheer. Latoya Hixx pulls Ri Eun-Ae up to her feet by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Canadian Beauty” Latoya Hixx runs to the middle of the ring with a one handed bulldog!
Latoya Hixx crouches in to the corner, waiting for Ri Eun-Ae to get back to her feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hixx charges in with a clothesline, but Ri catches her around the head, and flips her into a bridging head and arm suplex!
ONE!
Latoya Hixx rolls her shoulder up!
Ri Eun-Ae irish whips throw “The Canadian Beauty” Latoya Hixx into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun Ae uses those long legs to choke Hixx with her boot, Nash style.
Phil attaches a headband with a GoPro camera
Phillip Blauer: Tonight, I take you guys inside the ring with my newest feature Phil In The Blanks!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, that is a bad idea and an even worse title…
Phillip Blauer: It’s so much easier to tear down than it is to build something, Ganja.
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. switches to Phil’s GoPro view. Phil gets up on the apron and walks over to Ri Eun-Ae, who is continuing to choke Latoya Hixx while Richie Richardson lays in the count
Phillip Blauer: Excuse me, Mako. A moment of your time.
Ri Eun-Ae: (grunting) I’m a little busy right now, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: No one’s ever too busy for journalism, except for me when I want to take a steam instead. So how’s it feel to be back? Do they still have that easy to jimmy lock in the girl’s locker room here?
Latoya pushes the distracted Eun-Ae’s leg away and grabs her around the neck from behind. Phil rolls his eyes and returns back to the announce position
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Canadian Beauty” Latoya Hixx now standing on the second turnbuckle, lifting Ri Eun-Ae off her feet in the rear naked choke! (sees Phil put his headset on) Way to go, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: How is this my fault? Blame the media’s obsession with gotcha journalism.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae gets back to her feet, grabs Hixx’s arm and flips her over her shoulder to the mat below!
Ri Eun-Ae scoops Hixx up and steps on the bottom rope. Then she shows her awesome leg power by standing on the second rope, and then backflips into a moonsault powerslam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Supreme Thunder Crash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Latoya Hixx kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae lifts Hixx up into a suplex, then flips her out into a flatliner! Implant Thunder!!
The crowd cheers and she motions for them to get up, and they happily oblige.
Phillip Blauer: My next question was going to be to try and crack the code of her moves. Is it like Foxtrot Charlie?
Ri Eun-Ae presses Latoya Hixx over her head and gives her three military presses and then drops her into a tiltawhirl backbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: And a Jupiter Thunder Dragon!!
…ONE
…TWO
…THREE!!!
“Adrenaline” by Rosetta Stone plays and Ri Eun-Ae hops to her feet with her arm in the air
Greg Jin: “At 8 minutes 2 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…RI EUN-AE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae dispatches with Latoya Hixx with her sights set on the Hardkore Women’s Champion Rin Kubo, to try and win back the championship she has won twice.
Ri Eun-Ae slaps the fans hands as she walks to the back and signs some autographs
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis plays and the Palm Springs fans jump to their feet for the first non dark match of the night. “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our first of a few grudge matches of the evening, Callum Cornwall lost his Hardkore California title to “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023. Little Horse was a last minute replacement after Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen had his ribs injured in San Jose.
Phillip Blauer: The old adage is to make sure the replacement was better than what was advertised, and buddy? Check mate.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was Callum Cornwall’s first loss, and he has been in a bit of a funk ever since.
Phillip Blauer: These millennials fold like a shirt at the first sign of struggle. Move back in with Mummy and try your hand at professional video game yelling.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think he’s too young to be a millennial.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t ask me, I’m from the Pepsi Generation.
Yolanda Ando: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall wears simple wrestling boots and black tights that have tentacles painted on them in gold.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Callum has had weeks to train for the also former Hardkore California Champion “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse, so no surprises tonight. Cornwall wants to avenge this loss to hopefully get back into contention and get his Hardkore California Championship back.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Salford in the United Kingdom; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
The fans pop as Cornwall waves his flag.
Then “Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the cheers turn to jeers boo. Mary Yellowbird leads the way as “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse comes dancing down the ramp to show off
Phillip Blauer: You see? Something was off before. Joey’s concerned with both sexy dancing, and wrestling. He needed someone to focus his two loves, and I think that big Indian girl is the one to do it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird recently wrestled Hardkore Women’s Champion Rin Kubo for the title in Waikiki, now lending her support and advice to Joey Little Horse as he attempts to get his Hardkore California title back from Florida Man. He says if Callum can beat him, that might put him in line for a title shot against Florida.
Phillip Blauer: I say we ban that pervert Kevin Valentine Jr. from interviewing people while they change.
Yolanda Ando: Joey Little Horse wears a small loin cloth with yellow trunks underneath.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by Mary Yellowbird; From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
The Palm Springs audience boos while Joey gyrates for them
“El Exotico” Joey Little Horse vs. “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and Little Horse and Callum Cornwall lock up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall grabs him in a side headlock. He cranks the headlock, and twists his neck to the side.
Little Horse slips his head out and grabs Cornwall by the hair, using it to snap mare him to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse grabs a front facelock. He locks his hands together, clamping down on his throat.
Joey Little Horse starts shaking his butt a little, getting the Palm Springs crowd to boo
Phillip Blauer: Yeah! Shake your teepee!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil!
Phillip Blauer: Hasn’t his people suffered enough without your chastising me for enjoying his sexy, sexy dancing?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, I’m not sure. Little Horse converts it into a reverse chinlock. He’s on one knee, grinding that chinlock against Cornwall’s jawline.
Little Horse flattens out his body to put more pressure on the back of Squid’s head. The fans start clapping in support of Cornwall
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall using the energy of the 11,000 people here at Acrisure Arena to fight his way to his feet while Joey hangs on to the reverse chinlock!
Callum Cornwall elbows Little Horse in the gut, and then rocks him with a european uppercut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Squid comes off the ropes with a running european uppercut. He shoots Little Horse into the ropes and catches him with a leg lariat!
The fans cheer and Cornwall applies a spinning toehold. He grabs hold of Little Horse’s foot and gives it a second spin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse grabs Cornwall’s head and pulls him down into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall first to his feet but runs into a kneelift by Joey Little Horse. He takes over with a chicken wing.
Hardkore Hall boos as Joey Little Horse pulls up on Squid’s wrist, trying to hyperextend his elbow. Little Horse gives them a little hip swivel as Mary Yellowbird yells words of encouragement from the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse hoping to wear down that arm and soften it up for the Indian Standoff. But Squid does a go behind and counters with a full nelson. Cornwall converts it into a dragon suplex!
…ONE!
…Joey Little Horse rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall grabs a sleeper hold on Little Horse. He clamps down on it, trying to sap the energy of the Native American early on here.
Kelly O’Connell checks in but Joey Little Horse refuses to give up. Mary Yellowbird calls it a choke and tells Kelly to check it
Phillip Blauer: You just can’t beat good managerial advice like that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse drops down into a jawbreaker to escape the sleeper hold! He slaps Cornwall’s chest with a palm strike, and another one that rings through Hardkore Hall!
Little Horse irish whips Cornwall into the turnbuckles, then follows him in with a clothesline
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse applies a stomach claw while “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall is in the corner.
Kelly O’Connell tells Joey Little Horse to get Cornwall out of the corner, and gives him a five count to do so
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse grabs him in a front facelock and climbs to the second turnbuckle. He hops off with a tornado DDT!
The crowd jeers and Joey Little Horse does a little war dance for them and the boos get louder
Phillip Blauer: What is wrong with these people? Do they not like the casinos?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! Joey sticks his knees into Cornwall’s back and rolls him up into a bow and arrow!
Callum Cornwall cries out in pain, as Joey bends him in half across his knees. Kelly O’Connell checks in with Squid, but he valiantly refuses to submit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse continues to try and break Squid’s back with the bow and arrow, but he’s getting nowhere, so he finally releases him. He scoops him up for a bodyslam, but Cornwall gives him a small package on the way down!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey gets up but walks right into a pele kick from Callum Cornwall that catches him right between the eyes!
The fans cheer. Squid picks him up on his shoulders and gives him a rolling fireman’s carry slam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall butterflies Little Horse’s arms and then snap double underhook suplexes him across the ring!
Callum Cornwall comes over and rocks Joey Little Horse with an elbow shot to the jaw. Little Horse responds with a tomahawk chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Squid hits back with a european uppercut, and Joey Little Horse hits him with a forearm to the jaw.
Squid blasts him with another elbow, and Joey cracks him with a right hook to the jaw
Phillip Blauer: Someone call the zoo! A fistfight has broken out between a squid and a little horse!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse takes over with a flurry of punches, backing Cornwall into the ropes. He irish whips him into the other side and tiltawhirl suplexes him!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse applies a nerve hold to the carotid artery in between Squid’s neck and shoulder.
The Palm Springs fans boo. Kelly O’Connell asks Squid if he wants to give up, but she doesn’t get an answer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell tests Callum Cornwall’s arm. He keeps it up, and the match continues!
The Acrisure Arena starts clapping faster and faster to root on The Salford Squid. He begins to wake up and shake his head, trying to wipe out the cobwebs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall on one knee now, and rocks an elbow into Little Horse’s stomach. Another one frees him from the nerve hold! He flips Joey Little Horse into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall grabs Little Horse’s legs and rolls him over into a boston crab! He pulls back on his legs, bending his spine into a C!
Mary Yellowbird yells instructions from ringside, while Kelly O’Connell looks for the tap out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse grabs Squid’s boot, and hooks his ankle. He tucks and rolls until he is on top with a single leg boston crab!
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos as Mary Yellowbird applauds on the outside, proud of her advice. Joey Little Horse sits back on the half crab, trying to break Squid’s knee
Phillip Blauer: Would you look at that? Mary Yellowbird in the clutch.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse converts it into an Indian deathlock! He leans back on Callum Cornwall’s twisted legs, pushing off the mat to gain more leverage.
Callum Cornwall crawls over and hooks the bottom rope. Kelly O’Connell forces Joey Little Horse to release the indian deathlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” applies a ¾ nelson and drops him on his head with a t-bone suplex!
Joey Little Horse does his war dance again and the fans jeer and heckle him. He pulls Callum Cornwall up and applies a double armlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Indian Standoff!! Joey’s got both those arms locked, trying to break them at the elbows.
Mary Yellowbird pounds on the apron in celebration while the boos are very loud. Kelly O’Connell asks Squid if he wants to give up but he shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse cranks back on The Indian Standoff, and Callum Cornwall nods his head, submitting!
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and the fans boo. “I’m Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays as Joey Little Horse drops Callum Cornwall to the mat
Greg Jin: “At 14 minutes 19 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse scores his first win with Mary Yellowbird has his manager, and puts himself right in line for a rematch against Hardkore California Champion Florida Man soon!
Mary Yellowbird holds up Joey Little Horse’s arm in victory as the audience jeers. He goes back to his sexy dancing
Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. put the finishing touches on the steel cage going up around the ring
Phillip Blauer: Cage match? Thank god, that must mean the show is almost over.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stop putting away your headset, that’s just how stacked this show is!
Phillip Blauer: So Donnie’s going to have to tear this thing down immediately afterwards? Has anyone told him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not yet. I was supposed to, but he started talking about his fantasy football team and how there’s some tight end underperforming and honestly I just checked out.
Phillip Blauer: He’s got a point. Kyle Pitts is going out of his way to ruin Donnie’s team. It’s unconscionable.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Back in May, in Seattle, Steve Awesome took The Anointed from one of its founding members, Marty Donovan by betraying him after the wargames match.
Phillip Blauer: Come on, do you think Dave Thomas still runs Wendy’s? Grow up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think Dave Thomas is dead.
Phillip Blauer: Come on, have you seen what a triple baconator does to your ventricles? Grow up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In June, Steve Awesome defeated Marty in a falls count anywhere match in Sacramento. Tonight, two of the top contenders for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, Awesome and Donovan, meet in a steel cage to decide the man who will face the champion at Hardkore Helloween 2023.
“Baylon Skoll Theme” plays and the fans jump to their feet and cheer. Lil Corny leads out Disney’s Marty Donovan, who has a lightsaber, dressed as Baylon Skoll from Ahsoka, now streaming on Disney+, with the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship wrapped around his waist. Lil Corny walks out in his blue suit and jacket with a fuzzy tennis racket
Phillip Blauer: Now why does Papa Smurf have a lightsaber?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s not Papa Smurf, it’s the guy from Ahsoka, which I haven’t gotten around to watching yet.
Phillip Blauer: You see, I don’t like when I have to Bing the characters he dresses as. Why can’t he ever do a simple one that everyone likes? Like one of the crows from Dumbo?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Marty was here, he lost the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship to Cross Recoba in the main event of Palm Springs Punishment 2023. A year prior, at Palm Springs Punishment 2022, he defeated Natalie Burrows in the first ever Reedy Creek Rules match. This was also the town where Marty made his Hardkore debut in December of 2005, defeating Hardkore Nippon Brass Knuckles Champion "The Saikyo Terrorist" Tatsuya Arakawa. At Palm Springs Punishment 2010, he defeated Andrew Karnage in a match that forced Karnage to become his slave.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, when slavery was a match gimmick. Simpler times.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He has faced Kilroy twice here. Once in 2012, he won the Hardkore America Heavyweight title from Kilroy Evans in a falls count anywhere match, and once at Palm Springs Punishment 2009 when he beat him in the greatest tuxedo match of all time.
Phillip Blauer: Fuji-Steele was better.
Inside the cage, Marty and Lil Corny stage a battle in the middle of the ring with the lightsaber and tennis racket
Yolanda Ando: Marty Donovan wears a gray speedo with the Disney Plus logo on it. He also wears Bryan Danielson style boots and kick pads with the signature Disney D on the knees.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan has become a bit of a steel cage match expert and wants to finally get revenge on the man that stripped him of everything, in route to getting Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship back from Cross Recoba.
Greg Jin: “The following Steel Cage Match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is to determine the number one contender to the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Lil Corny; He is brought to you by Disney Plus who reminds you to stream Loki, Season Two! Hailing from Orlando in the Magic Kingdom, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 218 pounds; He is One Half of the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Champions…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
The audience lets out the loudest pop of the night so far as Lil Corny leaves the cage and Marty prepares for the match
All the lights in the Acrisure Arena die out and The fans boo at the interruption. Some of the crowd start chanting
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS! {Dramatic Pause.}
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in Hardkore Hall explode to life! The Palm Springs crowd jeers at the interruption as the lights flash green and black to the beat. Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her won't you tell her for me/ It's better this way to avoid all the misery
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring past the signs the fans are holding up that say “Steve Awful” and “The Annoying”
Phillip Blauer: There’s my guy, Barry Wimbledon!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, Phil. We’ve been over this. Barry Wimbledon is a fictional character that Steve Awesome plays, poorly, in The Shit Show movies.
Phillip Blauer: I see, like Alf?
Guillermo O’Bannon: If that helps you, sure.
The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome back where he debuted at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, defeating Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen.
Phillip Blauer: I remember that. He nearly stole the poor chap’s wife. Classic Barry Wimbledon. Like the time in Shit Storm 4 when that lady slapped him, and he kissed her, and then she decided she loved him and was being silly about him killing her husband and blowing up her house.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, remember Phil, he’s like Alf.
Phillip Blauer: Are you out of your tree, good sir? Alf never did any of those things. He ate cats and had racist bloopers. Classic Alf.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds; He is The Only One That Matters, He is The Current XHF HARDCORE CHAMPION…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
The audience boos as Steve Awesome raises his arms.
"The Hardkore Face of the Franchise" Steve Awesome vs. Disney's Marty Donovan
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Kelly O’Connell locks the cage door. Awesome and Marty approach each other. Awesome runs his mouth and smirks as Marty looks unimpressed. Awesome gets a surprised look on his face, then points behind Marty
Steve Awesome: “Hey, it’s Mickey Mouse!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty’s not going to fall for that…
Marty Donovan: “My liege?”
Guillermo O’Bannon: I stand corrected. But Steve Awesome is making a break for the side of the cage!
Phillip Blauer: This’ll be over in record time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty quickly turns around and gives chase! But instead of trying to climb out, Awesome springboards against the middle rope and catches Marty with an elbow to the head!
Marty goes down to the mat. The Palm Springs fans boo as Steve Awesome mocks him
Phillip Blauer: Who says Steve Awesome isn’t a good actor? No one after seeing Shit Storm 8: Winds of Shit Storms Past. Coming to select theaters and domestic flights.
Steve Awesome stomps Marty to keep him on the mat. Lil Corny complains to Tommy Milligan from ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome follows up with a quick jumping leg drop. He makes the cover!
…ONE!
…Marty quickly gets his left shoulder off the mat.
Awesome protests what he feels to be a slow count by Tommy Milligan. As he goes to slam his hand down on the mat, he catches Marty in the balls. Marty doubles over and rolls away.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on, what was that?
Milligan seems to be willing to accept that it was an accident, but warns Awesome to not let it happen again. The fans boo Awesome as he stands up and walks over to Marty
Phillip Blauer: Look, we’re not in the ring. Tommy is. We haven’t been drunk since lunch time. Tommy is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: With Marty barely able to resist, Awesome grabs Marty’s legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf.
Awesome pulls back on his legs as Marty groans in pain. The audience jeers and heckles Steve Awesome as he sits low on the cloverleaf.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan laboriously pulls his way to the side of the ring and finally grabs one of the ropes to force a break. But Awesome won’t release the texas cloverleaf!
Phillip Blauer: He just got comfortable!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. Lil Corny complains to Tommy Milligan. Tommy does the 5 count and finally forces Steve Awesome to let go of Donovan’s legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome runs across the ring, hits the ropes, and baseball slides into Marty’s right arm!
The slide also makes Marty crash into the cage. Awesome takes a mini-victory lap as the fans jeer. Marty scoots under the bottom rope and starts to pull himself back up with his left arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome cuts him off with a running hip check.
Marty Donovan falls back with his head resting against the bottom turnbuckle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome doesn’t waste the opportunity and hits the bronco buster!
The crowd boos as Steve cavorts on Marty’s face. Once Awesome stops, he makes the belt motion across his waist, which riles the fans up some more Awesome laughs before he picks Marty up and sets him on the top turnbuckle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome steps up to the second turnbuckle and sets Marty up for a superplex. As Awesome lifts, Donovan grabs the cage with his left hand and blocks!. Marty responds with a couple headbutts that send Awesome down to the mat!
The fans come to life! Marty uses the cage to pull himself up to his feet on the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Domovan follows up with a flying elbow drop!!
Marty immediately clutches at his right arm as he hurt himself as bad as he hurt Steve Awesome
Guillermo O’Bannon: That arm obviously hasn’t healed up since his match Hell in a Cell against Zoran Sainovic in Orlando, even if Marty didn’t wear the sling to the ring.
Phillip Blauer: And if there’s one person who can exploit an old arm injury, it’s Steve Awesome. He’s gonna exploit it worse than his Estonian film crew that shot the car chase scenes in Shit Storm 8: Winds of Shit Storms Past. He wiped out three boom mic operators practicing a Tokyo drift that wasn’t even in the movie.
The fans encourage Marty to fight through the pain as both men begin to rise.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan is up first and feigns The Dis-Knee. Awesome falls to the mat to avoid up while missing that Marty stopped short. Marty hits a quick senton to take advantage!
That pops Hardkore Hall. Marty picks Awesome up, then hits a side kick to the ribs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty connects with a second kick! Marty goes for a third, but it’s caught by Awesome. Marty responds with an enzuigiri!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan pulls Awesome up by the hair, and then hits a chop.
Hardkore Hall gives Donovan a “Woo!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan tries to run back to the ropes, but Awesome snatches his right arm and snaps Marty down to the mat!
Phillip Blauer: I think you can see Marty’s arm separate a little from his body there.
Marty Donovan yells out in pain as he clutches his right arm. The Palm Springs crowd jeers Steve Awesome as he smirks
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome knew about Marty’s weakness, but took his time in getting to it. Attacking it as Marty Donovan was at his most confident did a lot of damage, physically and mentally.
Phillip Blauer: Hubris is his biggest weakness. That and all his passwords are Daisy Duck.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome pulls Marty up to his feet and chicken wings his arm behind him. He lifts Donovan up and drops him on the back of his head with a hammerlock backdrop!!
Acrisure Arena boos and Steve Awesome pops up to his feet. He violently stomps Marty’s right arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome continues to batter Marty Donovan’s injured arm with stomp after stomp. He goes for a cover and puts all his weight on Marty’s left side.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty gets his right shoulder up!
Marty Donovan clutches at his right arm as Awesome stands up on his knees. He pulls Marty up with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome and applies a wristlock to Marty Donovan’s right arm.
Marty instantly drops to a knee. Tommy Milligan checks in to see if he wants to quit. Steve Awesome uses the added leverage to inflict more pain. He jumps up and whips Marty’s arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome lets go of the hold, scoops Marty up, and hits a shoulder breaker to Marty’s right shoulder.
This time, Awesome puts both knees on Marty’s right arm and holds his left shoulder down with both hands to make the cover
…ONE!
…TWO
…Marty kicks out with his legs and is able to get his left shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome grabs an arm bar. He sticks his knee in the ball of Marty’s shoulder and clamps down on his arm.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Marty Donovan shakes his head and refuses to submit. Donovan yells out in pain as his left arm reaches out to the fans. Hardkore Hall responds by standing up and cheering for Marty. Marty Donovan fights his way to his feet and pushes both men toward the ropes. Awesome releases the hold before they get to the ropes and rolls backward onto his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Marty manages to get back on his feet, Awesome rushes in with and applies his Awesome Lock chicken wing crossface!
The Acrisure Arena boos loudly as Steve Awesome cinches in The Awesome Lock, keeping him away from the ropes. Tommy Milligan checks in but Marty Donovan refuses to quit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome makes sure to chicken wing Marty’s injured right arm. Marty fights to stay vertical as Awesome wants to take him back down to the mat. The last time Steve Awesome was here was his debut at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, when he defeated Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen.
Phillip Blauer: Things are still tense when he’s in the same room as Mickie Fury.
Marty Donovan reaches for the ropes as the Palm Springs fans cheer him on. Awesome increases pressure on the chicken wing, and Marty’s left arm drops. Steve then crossface chicken wing suplexes him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome hits the Awesome-Plex!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
… Marty Donovan rolls his shoulder up!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a close up of Steve Awesome’s expression of disbelief
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome can’t believe it! Disney’s own armed Marty Donovan keeps fighting!
Steve Awesome yells at the cheering fans and signals that it’s over. He pulls Marty up and lifts him up into a fireman’s carry
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome goes for the SteveKO but Marty reverses it into a tornado DDT! Both men are down!
The fans cheer as Tommy Milligan starts the double count
One!
Phillip Blauer: Steve is mostly tired from the press junkets, I don’t know what Marty’s problem is.
Two!
Hardkore Hall is trying to will Marty Donovan to his feet
Three!
Steve Awesome starts stirring. Marty is still out
Four!
Five!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulls himself up by the ropes and gets back to his feet to break the count!
Steve Awesome shakes his head and looks at the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Hardkore Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome rushes to the cage and begins to climb!
The Palm Springs fans beg Marty to get up. Awesome reaches the top of the cage and begins to cross to the outside.
Phillip Blauer: Steve Awesome is nearly the number one contender for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship!
The deafening crowd finally wakes Marty Donovan up. He gets up, sees Awesome, and runs to the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan’s more or less climbing with one arm, but still quickly gets up the cage. He catches Awesome at the top of the cage!
Donovan grabs Steve Awesome by the hair and stops him from leaving. Awesome tries to elude Marty’s grasp and slither to the outside, but Marty won’t let go. Awesome’s legs dangle on the outside as he’s caught on the top of the cage.
Phillip Blauer: The studio executives behind Shit Storm 8: Winds of Shit Storms Past? Their hearts are in their throats right now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan hits a headbutt, then rushes up to superplex Awesome back into the ring!!
The Palm Springs fans let out a monster pop! Marty, fueled by adrenaline, covers Steve Awesome
…ONE!
…TWO!
… Steve Awesome kicks out!
Acrisure Arena boos as Awesome gets his left shoulder up. Marty takes a few seconds to get his breath back, then picks Awesome up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan puts Awesome in a hammerlock and rushes him toward the corner. Marty throws Awesome’s right shoulder into the turnbuckle!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” Steve Awesome groans as the old injury starts to burn
Guillermo O’Bannon: 19 Marty Donovan hits a dropkick to Steve Awesome’s right shoulder!
Marty Donovan gets up and screams at the crowd
Marty Donovan: “Watch Loki Season Two!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Doniovan grabs Awesome’s right arm and pulls him down to hit a double knee shoulder breaker!
Steve Awesome rolls onto his back as he clutches his arm. Marty Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle. He tucks his head and rolls into a 450 splash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty hits the Ode to Romero!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Steve Awesome kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Hardkore Hall boos again as they thought Marty had it won. Marty stays on the attack and pulls Awesome up. Marty grabs the back of Awesome’s head and points to the cage.
Marty Donovan: “PHASE ONE!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan bashes Steve Awesome’s head into the cage!!
The crowd roars. Donovan grabs Marty by the hair
Marty Donovan: “PHASE TWO!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan throws Awesome face first into the steel cage!!
Blood begins to trickle down Steve Awesome’s face. But Marty maintains hold of Steve’s hair
Marty Donovan: “PHASE THREE!”
Steve Awesome is on spaghetti legs as the only thing holding him up is Marty grabbing his hair
Marty Donovan: “PHASE FOUR!”
Phillip Blauer: Unlike the MCU, Marty stops while he’s ahead…
Alexander Von Blankenship runs down to the ring
Phillip Blauer: It’s AVB!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is he doing here??
Von Blankenship starts scaling the cage and climbs it cage halfway
Phillip Blauer: He’s here to add some star power to this match!
AVB tosses a small chain over the top of the cage into the ring, near Steve Awesome’s body
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, he’s here to fix the match for The Anointed, as usual.
A bloody Steve Awesome picks up the chain and wraps it around his fist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome picks up that chain and bashes Marty in the face with it!! He collapses on top of Donovan!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty gets his foot on the bottom rope!
The fans breathe a sigh of relief, and suddenly a whack is heard
Phillip Blauer: That little ankle biter just hit AVB with that tennis racket in the back!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Serves him right, after all the horrible things he’s done to Lil Corny in Hawaii, Colorado, and Ireland. Oh, he better not!
An enraged Alexander Von Blankenship stares at Lil Corny and starts walking towards him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lil Corny takes off into the audience and AVB tries to follow him out into the crowd! Meanwhile, inside the cage, Steve Awesome wraps his right arm around the top rope.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Awesome milks every second of the five count from Tommy Milligan before finally releasing Marty. Marty stumbles away from the ropes while clutching his arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome goes for the Thigh Slapper Super Kick, but the it was weak given the status of Awesome’s shoulder. The kick didn’t take Marty down.
The fans boo as Steve Awesome gears up again
Guillermo O’Bannon: This time the Thigh Slapper Super Kick obliterates Marty!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
The fans sigh with relief again, and suddenly Lil Corny is back at ringside, having lost AVB in the audience. Steve Awesome climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. He backflips into a moonsault foot stomp, but Marty rolls out of the way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan moves out of the way of the Awesome Sault!
Lil Corny throws the tennis racket over the cage wall into the ring
Phillip Blauer: What did that little snot nose just throw in the ring?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty catches the tennis racket! He turns around and absolutely brains Steve Awesome with it!!
The Palm Springs fans erupt and Donovan collapses on top of him
…ONE!
…TWO!
….THREE!!!
The crowd jumps to their feet in celebration as “Baylon Skoll Theme” plays. Tommy Milligan raises Marty’s limp arm
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 23 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty did it! He’s gotten the shot at Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba at Hardkore Helloween 2023!
Phillip Blauer: No! That’s not fair, Lil Crusty threw that squash racket in there!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He was fighting fire with fire after Alexander Von Blankenship threw that chain for Steve Awesome to use.
Phillip Blauer: But AVB is an adult! Adults can do stuff like that! That’s grown folks stuff.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Will Marty Donovan finally get a rematch against the man who took his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, and the man who recently pulled him off that stretcher in Waikiki and corkscrew tombstoned him on the concrete, Cross Recoba? Or will he take on his old bodyguard, Dan Stein?
Marty is now on his feet, walking out the cage door. Lil Corny tries to help him down the steps, but they need the help of Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr.
A grumpy Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. deconstructs the cage surrounding the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is our first title match of the evening, as Florida Man puts his newly won Hardkore California title on the line against Joe Nobody. Florida Man defeated Joey Little Horse for the title in Maui, and now hopes to defend it against Joe Nobody who has been undefeated thus far.
The lights in The Acrisure Arena dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The Palm Springs crowd pops asThe lyrics begin appearing on the screen, and then the crowd starts singing along to them, getting louder with each line
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!! Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie before making his way to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is Joe Nobody’s first title opportunity here in Hardkore World, after defeating the former Hardkore California Champion Joey Little Horse in Denver, Little Dragon at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023, and Moondog Dook in Sacramento.
Phillip Blauer: I was surprised in Sacramento. I thought the Dog was due.
Joe Nobody arrives at the ring steps and takes two steps before he stops suddenly. He turns and walks down the ring steps to the front row. He finds a little girl who’s a big fan. Nobody takes his signature fedora off and puts it on the little girl, who shows it to her parents.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody considers it his personal mission to get the Hardkore California Championship off of Florida Man, considering him not on the roster, and an invader to the West Coast locker room.
Phillip Blauer: Now that is just wrong. Florida Men are very welcoming to outsiders. We should extend them the same courtesy. The least Nobody could do is offer him a secret bus ride 1000 miles away.
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Nobody says that he has the entirety of Hardkore World standing behind him in this match. And I think he may be right.
Phillip Blauer: He doesn’t have me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s true, he doesn’t have Phil.
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is for the HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
Hardkore Hall cheers as Joe Nobody loosens the ropes
“Gimme Some Lovin'” by The Spencer Davis Group plays and the fans boo. Florida Man walks out with the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship strapped around his waist, holding his Hardkore California title up, with a piece of tape over the California with the word “Florida” written in magic marker
Phillip Blauer: Hey look, he spelled it right. And those naysayers claim there’s some problem with Florida’s educationism?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man scored an upset in Maui by defeating longtime veteran “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse in a thumbtacks and legos match.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, I remember seeing Frank Gotch wrestle those with my Dad when he got back from the pepper mines. He made all the people around us sneeze, you see…
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one cares, Phil. Now Florida Man has taken that title and renamed it the Hardkore Florida title. A slap in the face to the lineage of that belt.
Phillip Blauer: Didn’t we just change it from the TV title?
Guillermo O’Bannon: So your Dad worked in a pepper mine?
Phillip Blauer: Oh yes. When the canaries would die in the caves, he would bring them home for me to play with. I’d put little army uniforms on them and re-fight the Spanish American war…
Yolanda Ando: How old are you? Anyway, Florida wears a mask resembling an old Halloween gorn mask, only the snout has been elongated to look more like a gator. A wide brim straw hat appears to have been stitched into the mask. The brim is angled to look like a halo. A small hole in the corner of his plastic toothy smile is so he can easily access his cigarettes, but at the moment it holds a piece of straw to complete his lackadaisical country swagger. Instead of traditional tights, he wears overalls and vintage tees.
Phillip Blauer: Salt of the earth, El Guapo. Salt of the earth. You know, he’s been getting some mainstream coverage lately, which will always help lend eyeballs to our shows that run opposite Fry Daddy infomercials. I Binged him, and just this week, he had a naked stand off with police, he was bitten by a rabid otter, and hired a plane to find his stolen car at the bottom of a lake. You can’t buy that kind of publicity!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man says this is no tour. He wants his J-ROK YTA belt back from Kilroy Evans and won’t leave until he gets it.
Phillip Blauer: And what is a YTA title, pray tell?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I forgot to ask.
Phillip Blauer: Honestly, I hope we keep it the Hardkore Florida title, then we could go to Miami and I could show off my cabana wear. I have the necks professionally lowered to accent my supple chest.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from America’s Wang, God’s Waiting Room, The Gunshine State of Florida; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 198 pounds; He is One Half of the Wrestle:UK Tag Team Champions and The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA…”
Florida Man goes over to Greg Jin and grabs the microphone away from him
Florida Man: “I am the HARDKORE FLORIDA CHAMPION…FLORIDA MAN!!”
The Palm Springs fans boo Florida Man who tosses the microphone after Greg as he flees the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Aw, you can’t mess with Greg!
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, who doesn’t like Greg?
Yolanda Ando: Greg, come over here!
Greg huddles with Yolanda Ando, looking terrified back at the ring. FLM keeps his gaze on poor Greg but doesn’t notice the sound of the bell
Hardkore California Championship Match
Florida Man vs. Joe Nobody
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody rushes in with full force. Florida Man puts his guard up to avoid the knees, elbows and forearms but can’t stop a huge full Nelson slam from Joe Nobody!
Joe hooks the leg for an early attempt to win it.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Florida Man scrambles to his feet and gives Joe the one minute sign.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man takes a second to readjust his straw hat and then when the time was right he hits Joe with a thumb to the eye.
The Palm Springs fans boo. Joe grips at his right eye but Flo instinctively grabs him in a headlock before Richie Richardson could investigate.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man grinds the headlock and notices that Greg Jin is still staring at him.
Florida Man: “Stop looking at me Greg! Unless you are going to announce my title correctly, turn your seat around and face the audience.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Come on Greg, you don’t have to listen to him.
Greg Jin: No it’s fine. I’ll do it.
Greg reluctantly turns his chair around and Florida Man likey. FML nods his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Suddenly Joe Nobody pops out of the headlock and grabs an inverted facelock. He drops Flo head first with a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man is quick to his feet and Flo and Joe start to throw right hands! Florida Man drills him with a right hand. But Joe eats it and sends one right back. Oh boy here we go with a trade off! Flo! Joe! Flo! Joe! Flo! Joe!
Phillip Blauer: Heh that rhymes! I feel like a rapper. Flo! Joe! Flo! Joe!
Guillermo O’Bannon: They are just destroying each other! Flo! Joe! Flo! Joe!
Phillip Blauer: Flo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe!
Yolanda Ando: Flo!
Greg Jin: Joe!
Florida Man: “Shut the fuck up Greg!”
Greg Jin: Sorry!
That brief distraction allows Joe to follow up with a huge forearm to the face that dents in the gator nose a little bit
Guillermo O’Bannon: FML staggers back to the ropes and comes back with a big chop to the throat. Flo follows up with a couple jabs and finger jabs to the solar plexus.
Flo signals for something big and goes for the set-up but Joe Nobody counters into the with a half nelson slam into a cutter
Guillermo O’Bannon: ComboBreaker!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Both men are on their feet. Joe goes after Flo but again Florida Man asks for a minute.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on, what is this?
This time he covers his mouth hole and blows hard inside his mask. The dented and bent gator nose suddenly pops back out to its regular size and Flo looks satisfied
Phillip Blauer: Is this going to be every match?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The two lock up again and this time Flo grabs Joe’s tie and flips him with a snapmare. Flo gets behind and starts raining elbows down into the neck and shoulder of Joe.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks if Joe wants to quit, but Joe endures the pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Suddenly Florida Man locks him in a rear naked choke and starts rolling around choking and disorienting his opponent.
Hardkore Hall boos. Joe looks like he’s fading but he has fought his way out of the leg hooks
Guillermo O’Bannon: And with a last bit of effort Joe flips himself backward. Florida Man either gets pinned or releases the hold!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man scrambles out of the pinning predicament
Florida Man looks around a bit confused at what just happened. Joe is still down, trying to suck in air to continue. Flo goes to finish off Joe when he suddenly notices Greg Jin was looking at the ring again.
Florida Man: “What did I tell you about looking at me, Greg!?”
Enraged, FML rolls out to ringside and starts pushing Greg Jin around.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey, hey, hey. Come on!
The fans boo loudly
Phillip Blauer: He’s getting close to me as well, Gipetto!
Florida Man starts slapping Greg in the head and publicly berating him when suddenly "Miami Disco (metal cover)" by Alex Yarmak” starts blaring over the speakers!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s KILROY!!
Florida Man stops and turns to look toward the entrance ramp as the crowd light up and get to their feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well that is Kilroy’s theme. But…wait who is that behind Florida Man!? It’s Kilroy Evans! BAD TOUCH!!
Kilroy spins FML around and drops him lightning quick with his diamond cutter on the concrete! Greg Jin thanks Kilroy and together they both throw FML into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody is waiting for his moment! He runs at him with his STO, known as The Denial of Perfection!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Hardkore Hall erupts in cheers as "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays and Richie Richardson hands Joe Nobody the Hardkore California Championship title belt
Greg Jin: (triumphantly) “At 10 minutes 22 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…JOE NOBODY!!!”
Kilroy Evans stands in the ring, holding up Joe Nobody’s arm, pointing at the new Hardkore California Champion
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man’s incessant bullying of our beloved ring announcer wound up costing him the Hardkore California title, as Kilroy Evans couldn’t stand by and let him do it.
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy may have just made a fellow hillbilly his greatest enemy yet. I’m getting mosquito bites just thinking about it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our next title match is for the newly revived Hardkore Women’s Championship. Rin Kubo puts her belt on the line against Mickie Fury. We have a styles clash in this one, with Mickie being a powerhouse and the champion being more of a speed demon with a nasty lariot.
“Queen of the Night'' by Whitney Houston plays and a spotlight follows Mickie Fury as the fans cheer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury didn’t get into the wrestling business just to look good, she’s in it for the titles and the glory. She feels she has a better shot than she did in Maui with it being a one on one match…
Phillip Blauer: (shushing him) This is my jam! (singing) “I've got the stuff that you want, I've got the thing that you need, I've got more than enough, To make you drop to your knees!”
When Mickie Fury gets to ringside she poses for Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like her namesake, Mickie is afraid that Rin Kubo will make her lose her temper, so she wants to remain focused as her husband and trainer Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen taught her.
Phillip Blauer: Plus Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. doesn’t want to clean up the spot on the canvas that Mickie would turn Rin Kubo into.
Yolanda Ando: Mickie Fury is dressed in a white catsuit and boots.
Fury vaults over the ropes and jumps into the ring. She does some dance moves and then goes to the corner to await her opponent.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Introducing first, From Pasadena, California, Currently Residing in Los Angeles, Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 148 pounds…MICKIE FURY!!!”
"Run This Town" plays as Rin Kubo appears on stage holding a SKY Force Fund banner in her hands. She has the Hardkore Women’s Championship strapped around her waist as she begins to make their way down the ramp
Guillermo O’Bannon: And there is our new champion, over in Japan, she’s won the Angels of Sakura Championship, The Rose City Tag Team Champions and has been XHF Tag Team Champions but she was never able to win singles gold. That is until last month in Hawaii, when she won a four way elimination match between Ri Eun-Ae, Mickie Fury, and Yuki Sakaraba to become the first Hardkore Women’s Champion since Madison Dyson in 2009. A title that goes back to 1994.
Rin Kubo stops and sees the woman at ringside with the “Rin’s Twin” sign dressed as Rin. She gives her a hug and compliments her look
Phillip Blauer: It’s all fun and games until you start your car and they’re in your backseat. Take it from me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil! I’m sure she’s a wonderful young lady who’s a big fan of the Hardkore Women’s Champion. Rin Kubo recently successfully defended her belt against Mary Yellowbird in Waikiki, abd she hopes to do the same against the heavy hitter, Mickie Fury.
Kubo gets inside the ring and joins the ends of her thumbs and index fingers to form a triangle with the gap before shrinking it down to form a small triangle, placing the gap on her left eye - closing her right eye while doing so - and appears to be looking around
Greg Jin: “And her opponent is from Kawasaki, Kanagawa, Japan, Standing 5 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 147 pounds; The Enforcer of SKY Force and The Current HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…RIN KUBO!!!”
The Palm Springs fans cheer loudly and Rin Kubo holds her right fist out in front of her while placing her left fist on her right breast in a saluting manner
Hardkore Women's Championship
Rin Kubo vs. Mickie Fury
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and Rin Kubo and Mickie Fury circle one another, looking for an opening
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury and Rin Kubo lock up into a collar and elbow tie-up. Both women jockeying for position, but Fury using her 6 inch height and strength advantage early by backing the champion into the corner.
Kelly O’Connell calls for a clean break and begins giving them the 5 count
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury flips Rin Kubo with a judo toss out of the corner!
The fans cheer. Kubo gets up, but runs right into a hip toss. Rin Kubo gets up, and Mickie Fury challenges her
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo hits Fury with a dropkick that makes her stumble backwards.
Mickie Fury waves her on, daring Kubo to try and knock her down, popping the crowd. Kubo looks around at the crowd, and then hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore Women’s Champion smashes into Fury with a jumping shoulder tackle, but Fury stays on her feet!
Phillip Blauer: That reminds me, I have to get mosquito spray.
Hardkore Hall is impressed. Rin Kubo’s brow furrows with resolve, and then she runs back into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: This time Mickie Fury flips Rin end over end with a running clothesline!
The Acrisure Arena lets out a collective “OH!” at the stiff clothesline and the way Kubo landed
Mickie Fury: “There is a new bitch in town, you know it!”
Phillip Blauer: You hear that, Gazpacho? She’s after your job.
Mickie Fury pulls Kubo up and irish whips Kubo into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury cartwheels into a handspring, but Kubo moves out of the way of the back elbow into the corner!
Fury staggers out from the turnbuckles, and Rin Kubo grabs her hair from behind and drops down into an edge-o-matic
Guillermo O’Bannon: Maple Leaf Buster!
…ONE!
….Mickie Fury kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury tries to get up but Kubo punt kicks her in the ribs while Fury is on her hands and knees.
Kubo gets on top of Mickie and batters her with punches as the crowd gets louder and louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo finishes her off with a couple of headbutts and then gets back to her feet. She grabs hold of Fury’s arms and then starts bludgeoning her with a flurry of stomps to her chest!
The Palm Springs fans give her an “OH!” with each stomp. Finally she pulls Fury up and shoots her into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kubo comes in hot, but Fury steps out, lifts her up and lets her crash into the turnbuckles chest first!
Hardkore Hall lets out another “OH!” and then Mickie Fury double underhooks Rin Kubo’s arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury uses that raw power to snap butterfly suplex Kubo! Kubo stands up just in time for a tornado kick that knocks her over the ropes to the floor below!
The audience buzzes with anticipation as Mickie Fury climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury leaps off the top rope with a plancha, catching Rin on the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans cheer as both ladies lie on the floor. Fury eventually gets to her feet and pulls Kubo up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie scoops Rin up and bodyslams her on the concrete!!
Rin Kubo arches her back in pain on the Acrisure Arena floor. Fury pulls her up by the hair again, and uses it to snapmare her onto the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hairmare on the floor! Mickie Fury backs up and waits for the Hardkore Women’s Champion to get to her feet, then runs and hits her with a spinning heel kick on the floor!
Mickie Fury rolls back into the ring and stands up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury slingshots herself over the ropes into a cross body onto Rin Kubo and they both hit the floor hard!!
Mickie Fury takes a few moments to collect herself, and then goes over to the ring apron. She stands up on the apron and waits for Rin Kubo to stand up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury runs along the apron and somersaults into a senton, but Rin Kubo ducks and Mickie hits the railing!!
Hardkore Hall lets out another “OH!!” at the sound of Fury’s body hitting the steel railing.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, looks like an unfortunate grandma in the front row might have gotten her knees squished by that maneuver. Well, you can’t make an omelet without breaking some legs.
Rin Kubo rolls back into the ring and climbs to the top turnbuckle, meanwhile Mickie Fury pulls herself up by the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo dives off the top and hits Mickie Fury with a somersault senton on the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans erupt with cheers as the two ladies try and catch their breath on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo stands up and grabs Mickie Fury by the legs. She drops down and catapults Mickie Fury face first into the corner post!!
The fans chant “KUBO!! KUBO!! KUBO!!” Fury covers her forehead and kicks her toes into the floor in pain. Rin pulls her up by the hair and rolls her back into the ring, and then follows after her
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo measures her and then drops a precision elbow across her chest.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo grabs her by the legs and turns her over into a boston crab.
Mickie Fury cries out in pain, as Kubo bends her in half. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Fury shakes her head, refusing to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kubo sitting far back on that boston crab, putting tremendous pressure on Mickie’s lower back. Mickie, reaching out for those ropes!
Fury using that half foot height advantage she has to do a push up, and gets herself close enough to the side of the ring to hook the bottom rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell forces Rin Kubo to release the boston crab. Kubo finally relinquishes it, but gives Fury a hard stomp to the lower back for good measure.
Rin Kubo climbs up to the top turnbuckle, but Mickie Fury tornado kicks her foot and crotches her on the turnbuckle steel cable hook
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury climbs to the second turnbuckle and plucks Kubo off the top rope with a huracanrana!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Rin Kubo kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury sticks her knees into Kubo’s back and rolls her up into a bow and arrow!
Fury pulls down on Rin’s head and legs, while impaling her spine with both her knees. Kubo grunts, but shakes her head, refusing to tap out to Kelly O’Connell
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury attempting to win the Hardkore Women’s Championship with the bow & arrow taught to her by her trainer Tum Tum.
Phillip Blauer: That’s funny. I would think that Joey Little Horse or Mary Yellowbird would have taught her that move.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why?
Yolanda Ando: Yeah, why Phil?
Phillip Blauer: (panicked) No reason. No reason whatsoever.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s what I thought. Mickie Fury finally releases the bow & arrow, that Tum Tum taught her…(glares at a withering Phil), and pulls her up into a front facelock. She swings her around into a swinging neckbreaker!
Rin Kubo sits up, holding the back of her neck. Mickie pulls her up by the hair and rocks her with a forearm to the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore Women’s Champion answers with a european uppercut that knocks Fury into the ropes, but Fury comes back with a running european uppercut that drops Kubo.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know how wise it is to get into a fist fight with Mickie Fury.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, you were in that superbowl Bitcoin ad with Tom Brady and Shaq.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, they told me as long as I got enough people into it, it wouldn’t be a pyramid scheme.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo walks right back up to her and pops her with a surprise headbutt between the eyes!
Mickie Fury staggers back, but before Kubo could capitalize, Mickie twirls around into a discus forearm smash
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Kubo doesn’t go down this time! She dropkicks Mickie Fury, who falls into the ropes, and gets her arms twisted between the top and second rope!
The fans cheer as Rin Kubo clobbers her with punches while Kelly O’Connell fruitlessly tries to free Mickie Fury’s arms
Phillip Blauer: Get her out of there, Kelly! Jeez louise.
Guillermo O’Bannon: She’s trying, Phil.
O’Connell finally gets Mickie Fury untangled from the ropes, and Mickie collapses forward on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo now jumps on her back and hooks on the STF! She clamps down on Fury’s windpipe while peeling back on her head and neck.
Mickie reaches back and tries to get her fingers in between Kubo’s forearm and her throat. She rolls over on her side, but Rin Kubo hangs on to the STF
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kubo locks her hands together, but Mickie gets her wrist in between them and breaks her facelock.
Rin Kubo releases the STF. Mickie Fury sits up, but Rin Kubo comes off the ropes with a kick between her shoulder blades that gets a resounding “OH!” from Hardkore Hall. Fury arches her back in pain, while Rin runs to the other side of the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin with a basement dropkick to the face of a sitting Mickie Fury!
That gets another sympathetic groan from the fans. Rin Kubo climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Mickie Fury to stand back up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo comes off the top with a diving tackle that takes out her opponent!
The audience cheers. Mickie Fury labors to get up quickly and tries to roundhouse kick her ribs, but Kubo catches her leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie swings around with her other leg and gives Kubo a step up enzuigiri upside Kubo’s temple!
The crowd reacts with a big “OH!” and Rin goes down like a redwood. Mickie Fury starts dancing to get the Acrisure Arena on her side
Phillip Blauer: (chuckles) That’s some good ole fashioned American cavorting right there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo tries to sneak up with a kick but Mickie is ready and grabs her leg, taking her over into a dragon screw into a single leg boston crab!
Mickie Fury plants her feet and rocks back on her trapped leg, trying to hyperextend the knee. Kelly O’Connell asks Rin Kubo if she wants to quit but the champion doesn’t answer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury sits back as far as she can on Kubo’s back, and pulling most of her leg with her. Kelly O’Connell in position to see the tap out if it comes to that.
Rin Kubo shakes her head, while reaching out for the bottom rope. The Palm Springs fans start chanting “KUBO!! KUBO!! KUBO!!” Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets a shot of the woman dressed as Rin Kubo in the crowd joining in on the chant
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo does a push up off of the canvas. She tucks her head and rolls out of the half crab. She runs into the ropes, but Mickie Fury catches her in a flapjack!
The impact bounces Kubo off her chest, right back up to her knees and back down again. Mickie Fury applies a head scissors
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kubo trying to work her way up to her feet, while Mickie Fury hangs on to that headscissors. She’s now on her feet, but Mickie does a handstand headscissors!
The audience applauds Mickie’s balance, and then Fury takes her over in a headscissors takedown
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury pulls her up into a powerbomb but Rin Kubo reverses it into a huracanrana!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rin Kubo kicks her in the stomach and drops down into a Rin Factor Stunner!
The fans cheer and Rin pulls her up to her feet. She irish whips her into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kubo swings with that Burning Sword lariat, but Mickie ducks underneath and hits the ropes from the other side. She comes back with her Dance Off spin wheel kick!!
The audience erupts and Mickie Fury does a wheelbarrow motion. She grabs Kubo up into a wheelbarrow and then grabs her head into her DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Move Away!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What an upset! Mickie Fury has won the Hardkore Women’s Championship from Rin Kubo!
“Queen of the Night” by Whitney Houston plays as Kelly O’Connell hands a crying Mickie Fury the Hardkore Women’s Championship belt. The Palm Springs fans applaud as she holds up the title for them
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 57 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…MICKIE FURY!!!”
Hardkore Hall lets out a huge pop as Mickie Fury straps the Hardkore Women’s Championship around her waist. Rin Kubo stands in front of her
Phillip Blauer: Rin might not be done here. She had someone dress up like her and everything.
Rin Kubo puts her hand out and Mickie Fury happily shakes it
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, the former champion is all class and congratulating Mickie Fury on her hard fought victory.
Mary Yellowbird, Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen, and Joey Little Horse get into the ring to help Mickie Fury celebrate
Guillermo O’Bannon: And now Mickie’s husband and friends hit the ring to be the first to congratulate the new champion, Mickie Fury!
Fade up on the Hardkore World Tag Team title belts hanging over the ring with a multitude of ladders inside and outside of the ring
Phillip Blauer: I remember when Rally Jackson hung my luggage up there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, now it’s the Hardkore World Tag Team titles and the only way they’re coming down is with the champions. 5 tag teams, including the champions, The Anointed will vie for those belts in a wild…
Phillip Blauer: Clusterfuck.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ladder match.
An eerie cold silence drops over The Acrisure Arena as an ominous chanting begins while the lighting begins to darken.
Phillip Blauer: Can you hear that too or is that just my inner monologue hooked up to the PA system?
Once the building is shrouded in darkness, the sound system and the people are shocked awake by the explosion of the heavily distorted guitars beginning the intro riff to the music.
Pale green and murky orange lights circle the building and pulse lightly with the beat of “Angel's Thanatos” by Akira Yamaoka from Silent Hill 2. Two spotlights appear in the middle of the entrance way. From the shadows, out walk two men to take their spots. Mehrunes Smith, in his trademarked leather coat, strokes at the tentacles of his mask as he surveys the buildings from behind the dead black eyes of the mask while Scott Fargo has his sights lasered in on the direction of the ring while he unzips his black hoodie.
Phillip Blauer: I feel like that mask will make a mint over at the merch table.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is The End.
Phillip Blauer: My only friend?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, The former Next Level Wrestling Tag Team Champions. They have come to Hardkore World seeking one of the oldest tag team titles around. The Hardkore World Tag Team Championships go back to 1989. They were highly sought after by the other territories here in XHF, but they chose Hardkore World and Jonnie Valentine.
Phillip Blauer: Why??
While making their walk, Smith continues to glare around out at the booing people while Fargo continues a determined walk, his body swaying with the rough beat. A fan holds up a “This Is The End” sign
Guillermo O’Bannon: They say that they’re violence is intended to remind people that death and The End is coming for all of us.
Phillip Blauer: Not me, I drink silver tonic and get blood drainings once a month. I’m as fit as a fiddle…
Phil spits out a tooth. As The End nears the ring, Smith takes the stairs and skirts along the apron, gesturing out to the jeering crowd as he does. Fargo rolls in under the bottom rope and pounces to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like the tag team specialists they are, The End have watched a lot of tape on their opponents and see weaknesses in all their games. They plan on walking right into the West Coast and taking the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship on one of their first nights in the territory.
Smith crouches down in the ring and faces toward the hard camera with a tilted head, Fargo poses behind him taking off his hoodie and holding it above his head
Greg Jin: “The following Ladder Match is for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Lafayette, Louisiana; Standing 5 feet 9 inches tall; Weighing 201 pounds…MEHRUNES SMITH!! His partner is from Minneapolis, Minnesota; Standing 6 feet 3 inches, and Weighing 250 pounds…SCOTT FARGO!! They are the former Next Level Wrestling Tag Team Champions…This Is THE END!!!”
The Palm Springs fans boo as The End stoically looks at the entrance.
“Playing With Fire” by Ovidiu Cernăuțeanu plays and The Dutch Express, Harley van Houten and Leonard van Dam walk out with Leonard’s sister “The Milkman’s Daughter” Klazina Van Dam. The two fun loving reddish husky guys come out on the ramp waving to the fans. Both men are wearing matching overalls. Klazina gracefully walks behind them dressed as a Dutch milk maid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The former Hardkore America Tag Team Champions Dutch Express gets a huge ovation from these Palm Springs fans! This is the city where they won those titles from Better Than Sex.
Phillip Blauer: That was back when we had a tag division stout enough to have two tag team titles, not just The Anointed vs. Kilroy and his best friend of the month.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is the first time they’ve been here since Palm Springs Punishment 2009 when they lost to the late “Lonewolf” Eric McNeely and Dave Brickheart.
Phillip Blauer: I wished I loved anything like those two love denim.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Klazina Van Dam last wrestled here at Palm Springs Punishment 2010 when she defeated Tori Meriweather.
The Dutch Express and Klazina Van Dam slap hands and visit with familiar fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Two second generation wrestlers, Leonard van Dam and his sister Klazina, are children of Suikerbossie, the former Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Champion. This past May, Leonard has lived out a dream by teaming with his father where they took on The Anointed in Tacoma, Washington, that night consisting of their countryman, Alexander Von Blankenship and Steve Awesome.
Phillip Blauer: How can two people from the same country be on such opposite sides of the cool factor?
Yolanda Ando: The Dutch Express both wear overalls with open shirts underneath with black boots. Underneath, they wear brief trunks with the Dutch flag on the butt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey and Leonard say they respect teams like Team Fairtex after years of sharing the locker room, saying they looked up to them while coming up in the ranks. Unfortunately, shortly after giving that interview, they were attacked by unknown assailants.
Phillip Blauer: The authorities are baffled, but I’ve launched my own Desert News Hawk investigation into it, and my sources tell me they just have very punchable faces.
Greg Jin: “Accompanied to the ring by their manager, ‘The Milkman’s Daughter’ Klazina van Dam; Originally from Rotterdam in the Netherlands, now making their home in San Francisco, California; Both Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; First, Weighing 250 pounds…HARVEY VAN HOUTEN!! His partner is 225 pounds…LEONARD VAN DAM!! They are the former Hardkore America Tag Team Champions…THE DUTCH EXPRESS!!!”
The Palm Springs fans give them a huge ovation while The Dutch Express and Klazina Van Dam motion for more noise
"UFC Remix" plays and the Acrisure Arena roars in celebration! Tong Fairtex comes to ringside accompanied by his brother Phantam.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Listen to that ovation! Team Fairtex has returned to Hardkore World! The last time Team Fairtex was here was 11 years ago when they defeated Landon Cale & Gregory Dent at Palm Springs Punishment 2012.
Phillip Blauer: I can never tell these two apart. Which is the one with the crippling gambling addiction?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Neither.
Phillip Blauer: Then I’m totally lost.
The fans pat the laser focused Team Fairtex on the shoulders and back as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tries to get them through the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex are former SWAT World Tag Team Champions. World travelers, Tong and Phantam Fairtex are huge stars in Australia, they have appeared in Hardkore Australia, as well as Wrestle: UK.
Yolanda Ando: Team Fairtex wears tight fitting MMA fighting trunks with a dragon and tiger on the sides and the Thailand Flag in the front and black wrestling boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Tong and Phantam Fairtex are the twin sons of Hardkore World legend, former Hardkore West Coast Champion, The Shootighter, hoping to enjoy the same success on the West Coast that their father did.
Tong Fairtex enters the ring and goes to each corner saying a prayer before going to his corner jumping up and down slapping and pounding his chest and face with his fists psyching himself up as his brother Phantam gives him instructions.
Greg Jin: “From Bangkok, Thailand; They both Stand 6 feet tall, and Weigh 235 pounds; TONG FAIRTEX!! PHANTAM FAIRTEX!! They are the former SWAT World Tag Team Champions…TEAM FAIRTEX!!!”
Hardkore Hall lets out a loud pop for Phantam Fairtex and Tong Fairtex as they wave back at the fans
"Miami Disco (metal cover)" by Alex Yarmak plays and the Palm Springs crowd cheers wildly! Malcolm Xavier Graves leads The Sheik and Kilroy Evans through the curtain
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Something Wild!
Phillip Blauer: You mean The Great Mideastern Thrillkill?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They’re still hammering out the name.
The Sheik glares at the fans who reach out for his hand. Kilroy strolls to the ring at a relaxed pace. Evans points to a sign that says “The Sheik and The Man With No Physique” and laughs at it
Phillip Blauer: It’s good that he owns it now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik and Kilroy Evans haven’t exactly been hunkered down in planning together. Frankly, they still seem to remember a lot of what both of them have done to one another.
The Sheik climbs into the ring and stands on the second rope. Kilroy Evans is still going around ringside, slapping hands with the fans.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans had to work with a cardboard cut out for promos.
Phillip Blauer: And I’m sure those two will be much happier together than the actual Kilroy and Sheik.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik and Malcolm Xavier Graves think this match is beneath them, and don’t see the other teams in this match as worthy competition for a wrestler such as himself. He brought up his contract renewal and how his client is not happy here on the West Coast.
Kilroy and The Sheik get in the ring with The Dutch Express, Team Fairtex, and The End. Kilroy Evans is all smiles, but is completely focused on The End
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy Evans wears a black “The Crawling Hand” Mystery Science Theatre shirt with jeans and sneakers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Everytime The Sheik wrestles here in Palm Springs, it’s against someone in this match. The last time he was here was Palm Springs Punishment 2023 when he beat Alexander Von Blankenship in a stairway to heaven match. At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, The Sheik fought his now partner Kilroy Evans in an LA Freeway match, and won. They had wrestled previously in May of 2022 in the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament, where Kilroy won.
Kilroy Evans locks eyes with Phantam Fairtex. He barely blinks as he stares at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy is taking the happy bus, as usual, he cannot wait to for the opportunity to get his hands on Alexander Von Blankenship and Wesley Crane in the confines of a ladder match after what happened in Denver and what Hasbulla did to Marty in Waikiki.
Greg Jin: “Accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; From The Empty Quarter, Arabia; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 230 pounds; The Man from Rub' al Khali, The former Hardkore West Coast Champion…THE SHEIK!! His partner is from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds; The Attbury Assassin, Your Boy Kilroy, The Two Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion…KILROY EVANS!! They are Something Wild, They Are THE GREAT MIDEASTERN TRENDKILL!!!”
The Palm Springs crowd lets out an ear splitting pop for Great Mideastern Trendkill. Kilroy breaks eye contact with Phantam Fairtex and begins looking to the entrance area. Evans psyches himself up by pacing slowly and purposefully until The Anointed’s music begins
“Blessed Up” by Wande plays and Hardkore Hall rocks with boos.
A thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere. The lights go back to normal and out steps the Hardkore World Tag Team Champions, “The High Roller” Wesley Crane, Alexander Von Blankenship, and Hasbulla to a vitriolic reaction from the audience
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
Phillip Blauer: Now that’s an entrance! These boos are making my ears bleed more than normal.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The group that has held the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships since January 12th for the past 9 months, The Anointed! “The High Roller” Wesley Crane and Alexander Von Blankenship!
AVB has a conceited smirk on his smug face while he points to the Hardkore World Tag Team title belt around his waist. Wesley Crane stands on the stage with the Hardkore World Tag Team title belt slung over his shoulder. Crane looks around at all the booing fans. Hasbulla blows his whistle at the fans, “disqualifying” them all
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Waikiki, the dastardly Hasbulla disguised himself as a small child and broke a glass candy jar over Marty Donovan’s head when he was trying to take a picture with Jonnie’s Kids.
Phillip Blauer: No, no, no. Marty just assumed all of those children sized people were kids. Ok, Boomer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lil Corny came out and saved Marty from a savage beating, and Hasbulla has been in a terrible mood ever since.
Wesley Crane lowers his aviator sunglasses and gives everyone a cocky grin. Alexander Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face. The jeers and heckling get louder
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave
'Cause I'm peeping the visuals, I bring the visuals
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crane went to the woods of upstate New York with his mentor, Timmy Draven, who worries that Wesley might have gone too far off the deep end as of late and wonders if The Anointed are the best company for him.
Phillip Blauer: See, that’s crazy sauce. I would give anything to hang out with The Anointed. I wish these guys would return my texts, but I totally get it. It takes a while for them to get them because I have a rotary cell phone. If I get a text and an alarm relatively close to each other, my phone smokes.
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the ocean of middle fingers, his smirk now a scowl. “The High Roller” Wesley Crane slowly makes his way to the ring, the entire time looking around at the booing Palm Springs fans. While Von Blankenship slowly walks towards the ring, he points to the fans holding up the “Rat Boy”, “Wesley Lame”, and “The Annoying” signs. He tells them loudly "I'm better than you, I’m better than you." as he goes by. Hasbulla obnoxiously blows that whistle while pointing at his tag team
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Anointed feel no other tag team can touch them, and come into this match with the confidence of a team that have ruled this division for 9 months.
Once at ringside, Wesley Crane hands his belts to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr., and climbs up the steps. Before he enters the cage, he holds onto the ring ropes. AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, giving the cage the sign of the cross
Yolanda Ando: Alexander Von Blankenship is shirtless, wearing dark blue Adidas sweatpants, with his hands taped like a boxer, with “AVB” written across the knuckles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time “The High Roller” Wesley Crane was here was at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, when he successfully defended those Hardkore World Tag Team Championships with Dan Stein against Kalmin Watts and Gavin Drake. The last time Alexander Von Blankenship was here was Palm Springs Punishment 2023 when he lost a stairway to heaven match to The Sheik. At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, AVB lost in the main event to Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Syberus. His very first match was here in May of 2022, where he defeated former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Andrew Karnage in the first round of the tournament to decide the new champion.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, and seemingly ran Karnage out of the business.
Once inside the ring, Alexander Von Blankenship climbs one of the ladders, looking towards the entire Acrisure Arena. Crane stands in the center of the ring and holds his arms wide open
Alexander Von Blankenship: "Always Very Blessed!!!"
The boos grow louder as AVB hops off of the ladder. Hasbulla blows on his whistle on the outside in support of The Anointed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda, The Anointed are the hunted in this match. Their title reign has never been in more jeopardy with four other teams vying for those Hardkore World Tag Team title belts hanging over the ring.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, Featuring first; from Amsterdam, in The Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is The Son of The Bastard; Always Very Blessed…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!! And his partner is from Syracuse, New York; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 223 pounds…“THE HIGH ROLLER” WESLEY CRANE!!! They are The Current HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…This is THE ANOINTED!!!”
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos and heckling while Hasbulla blows on his whistle on the outside.
Hardkore World Tag Team Champions
Ladder Match
The Anointed
(Alexander Von Blankenship & Wesley Crane)
vs.
The Great Mideastern Trendkill
(Kilroy Evans & The Sheik)
vs.
The End
(Mehrunes Smith & Scott Fargo)
vs.
Team Fairtex
(Tong Fairtex & Phantam Fairtex)
vs.
The Dutch Express
(Harvey Van Houten & Leonard Van Dam)
Harvey van Houten pops Phantam Fairtex with a boxing jab and Tommy Milligan signals for the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: And we are underway! “The High Roller” Wesley Crane cracks Mehrunes Smith with a right hand. The Sheik slugs Alexander Von Blankenship with a right cross to the jaw.
Leonard van Dam tries to hit Kilroy Evans with an overhand punch, but Kilroy captures his arm. Van Dam tries to counter with a left, but Kilroy catches that arm as well
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans batters van Dam with a flurry of trapped headbutts to the forehead!
The Palm Springs fans cheer! Another sharp jab to the face by Harvey van Houten to Phantam Fairtex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Scott Fargo smashes Crane between the eyes with a hard right hand. AVB takes over on The Sheik with a flurry of punches.
Phantam ducks the next boxing jab and takes Harvey van Houten over in a fireman’s carry. His brother, Tong Fairtex comes over and they hook him up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex with a double suplex on Harvey van Houten!
Harvey van Houten sits up in pain. Tong Fairtex stands up and walks right into a kick to the midsection by Leonard van Dam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fargo takes Crane over in a snapmare, and then Mehrunes Smith running penalty kicks the sitting Wesley in the face!
Hardkore Hall lets out a collective “OH!” but The End isn’t finished. Scott Fargo tags Crane in the spine with a soccer kick to get another pop from the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik stomps Wesley Crane over and over. He pulls Crane up, but Wesley comes up swinging! Kilroy Evans scoops Harvey van Houten up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker.
Wesley Crane headbutts The Sheik. Kilroy irish whips van Houten, but Harvey reverses it and shoots Evans into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten back body drops Kilroy high up over his shoulder! His partner Leonard van Dam grabs a reverse chinlock on Evans.
Phantam Fairtex mexican arm drags Scott Fargo. Van Dam grinds that chinlock along Kilroy’s jawline, while Phantam Fairtex applies an arm bar to Fargo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship stomps Mehrunes Smith’s foot!
Phillip Blauer: It’s the desert, probably saw a scorpion.
Guillermo O’Bannon: An angry Smith tries to kick him in the stomach, but AVB catches his foot. But Mehrunes swings around with an enzuigiri to the side of Von Blankenship’s head!
Phantam Fairtex sticks his knee into the ball of Scott Fargo’s shoulder, clamping down his armbarred arm. The Sheik picks up a ladder and walks over to where Leonard van Dam has Kilroy Evans in the reverse chinlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik wasting no time utilizing one of those ladders and smashes it down on the back of Leonard van Dam’s head!!
Phillip Blauer: I think a simple stomp could have freed Kilroy from a reverse chinlock but when in Rome, I guess.
The fans cheer the ladder being introduced. Leonard clutches the back of his head and kicks his toes in the mat. Meanwhile, Scott Fargo works his way to his feet with Phantam holding onto that armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Scott Fargo reaches down and scoops Phantam Fairtex and bodyslams him to escape the armbar.
Alexander Von Blankenship pulls Kilroy up and positions him near the ladder with a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB goes for a suplex on the ladder, but Kilroy blocks it. The Sheik comes over and they double snap suplex Von Blankenship! And Scott Fargo and Mehrunes Smith hit Wesley Crane with double legsweeps!
Phillip Blauer: Hey, they can’t just target the champs! Mingle! Mingle! How do you get these blasted people to chant stuff?
Wesley Crane rolls out of the ring and slaps the apron in frustration. Tong Fairtex pulls Leonard van Dam up, but van Dam grabs him by the wrist and twists his arm. Harvey van Houten irish whips Alexander Von Blankenship into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten tries to hit a cross body block, but AVB catches him and drops him into a backbreaker.
Hardkore Hall boos Von Blankenship as Harvey van Houten rolls out of the ring. Leonard van Dam gives Tong Fairtex’s arm another twist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship runs to attack The Sheik, but Kilroy Evans trips him with a drop toehold on the ladder!!
Hardkore Hall lets out a loud “OH!!” AVB covers his face in pain. Kilroy Evans rolls out of the ring. Hasbulla blows his whistle obnoxiously loud, constantly
Phillip Blauer: Not even that small boy’s sweet music can distract me from my worry for Avebah after that terrible fall on the ladder.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You know AVB are initials, right? You don’t think his name is really Avebah, do you?
Phillip Blauer: No, of course, I…he and I are great chums. Even to the point that I would know what his name is…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mehrunes Smith gets a running start and jumps over the ropes with a suicide dive onto Harvey van Houten and Wesley Crane!!
The fans jeer Smith as he lies on the floor with van Houten and Crane. Kilroy Evans takes one of the ladders and bridges it between the apron and the railing. Phantam Fairtex steps through the ropes out onto the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: By the ropes, Tong Fairtex muy thai clenches Leonard van Dam and then jacks him with several knee strikes to the body, as well as pulling him down into a knee smash.
Behind them, The Sheik picks up a ladder. On the floor, Phantam Fairtex pulls Havery van Houten up to his feet and starts brawling with him around the ringside area. Kilroy Evans rolls Wesley Crane up onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here in front of us at the announce position, Mehrunes Smith pulls Wesley Crane up by the hair, but Crane drops to his knees with a jawbreaker. Back inside the ring, The Sheik throws a ladder that smashes into Tong Fairtex and a just rising Alexander Von Blankenship!!
The Acrisure Arena roars at the sound of the steel ladder hitting Tong and AVB.
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) Why, that’s illegal! Ring the bell, Tammy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy.
Phillip Blauer: I know, but Hardkore World misspelled his name on his monogrammed referee shirt, and I just like giving him guff about it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans headlocks Wesley Crane on the apron, then runs and bulldogs him face first onto the bridged ladder on the railing and apron!!
The audience lets out a huge pop! In the aisleway, Harvey van Houten hits Phantam with some jabs, but Fairtex is overwhelming him with chops to the chest. Mehrunes Smith crawls back into the ring where The Sheik picks up the ladder again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten hits a desperation thumb to Phantam Fairtex’s eye in the aisle here behind us. Back in the squared circle, The Sheik turns around into Scott Fargo who shows quick instincts with a snap roundhouse kick to the ladder into Sheik’s face!!
The Sheik sprawls out and the ladder goes flying as the fans boo. In the aisle, Phantam Fairtex tries to shakes off his temporary blindness
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten scoops Phantam Fairtex up onto his shoulder, but Phantam floats over onto his feet behind him. Phantam grabs van Houten by the hair and smashes his face into the railing in the aisle!
Ringside fans scatter to get away from the area of the aisle where Phantam bashes van Houten face first into the guardrail. Inside the ring, Scott Fargo irish whips The Sheik into the ropes
illermo O’Bannon: Scott Fargo pops The Sheik up and Mehrunes Smith hits him with a rising knee strike!!
The Palm Springs fans heckle The End. Out on the floor, Kilroy Evans hooks Phantam Fairtex and suplexes his back into the cornerpost! Wesley Crane painstakingly rolls back into the ring. Tong Fairtex hammerlocks both of Alexander Von Blankenship’s arms behind his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex double chicken wing suplexes AVB! He gets up to muy thai elbow Wesley, but Crane ducks it and german suplexes Fairtex!
Tong rolls out of the ring as Hasbulla blows his whistle at him. The End double irish whip The Sheik into the ropes, but The Sheik hops on to the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hops back into a double springboard elbow that catches both members of The End!!
The audience cheers. The Sheik pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up by the hair, but AVB pokes him in the eye. Out on the floor, Harvey van Houten grabs a handful of Phantam Fairtex’s hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten knee lifts Phantam Fairtex in the aisle.
Phillip Blauer: Well, it was more in the face region.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Back in the ring, Leonard van Dam lines a ladder up on it’s side, and inverted atomic drops The Sheik’s groin on the ladder!!
The Palm Springs fans let out an “OH!” as The Sheik grimaces in pain. Scott Fargo gets underneath an unawares Alexander Von Blankenship with a spinning saito suplex! Hasbulla whistles on the outside in worry
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten is now up on the apron. He gets a running start and dives on to both Team Fairtex with a cross body!
Hardkore Hall pops. Leonard van Dam sets up the ladder on the mat and pulls The Sheik up by the hair. The Sheik slugs Leonard with a hard right hook
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik sits out and smashes van Dam into the ladder with a facebuster!
Harvey van Houten sets up a table and rolls Phantam Fairtex onto it. He climbs back up to the apron, but Tong follows him up there
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex hammers Harvey van Houten with muy thai punches, and replaces him on the table instead of his brother, Phantam.
Inside the ring, The Sheik comes off the second rope with a leg drop, but Mehrunes Smith rolls out of the way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong rolls back into the ring, runs into the ropes, hops onto the middle of the top rope and springboard sentons Harvey van Houten through the table!!
The crowd roars and starts chanting “FAIRTEX! FAIRTEX! FAIRTEX!!”
Phillip Blauer: They’re not fooling me, they’re just chanting that because they can’t tell them apart.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You might be right. Mehrunes Smith tiger suplexes The Sheik!
Meanwhile, Kilroy gets behind his brother, Phantam Fairtex and lifts him in an atomic drop, then ties him up into a tree of woe with his foot caught in the steel railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mehrunes Smith turns around into a superkick from “The High Roller” Wesley Crane! At ringside, Kilroy Evans backs up and then spears the upside down Phantam against the guardrail!!
Phillip Blauer: There’s too much action to call!
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re not calling any of it.
Phillip Blauer: I just gave my reason!
Inside the ring, Wesley Crane sets up a ladder underneath the belts. He goes to climb up but Leonard van Dam dropkicks him into the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship now climbing up the ladder underneath the Hardkore World Tag Team titles!
Phillip Blauer: The Anointed have had enough! Time to end this thing!
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB is under the title belts, he’s got his hand on one! But wait, Leonard van Dam is climbing up the other side!
Phillip Blauer: Get that Dutchman down!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leonard van Dam scoops AVB up on the ladder, and he presses him over his head!
The Palm Springs fans go wild as they cheer the impressive feat of Leonard military pressing Von Blankenship while standing on a ladder. At ringside, Hasbulla blows on his whistle in protest
Phillip Blauer: Ah! Nevermind, put him down!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leonard van Dam finally slams Alexander Von Blankenship down to the mat!!
The crowd continues it’s roar as AVB lies motionless on the mat. Now Leonard van Dam attempts to grab the belts, but Wesey Crane climbs up the other side
Phillip Blauer: No! Not The Dutch Express!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Dam trying to yank down those belts. Wesley Crane gets to the top and pulls Leonard down into a front facelock. Crane jumps off the ladder into a tornado DDT down to the mat below!!
Hardkore Hall groans after the prospect of The Dutch Express winning the Hardkore World Tag Team titles is momentarily over
Phillip Blauer: Phew.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans is back in the ring and electric chairs Scott Fargo up onto his shoulders. But Fargo squeezes his legs together and backflips into a poisonrana!!
The audience boos. Harvey van Houten climbs to the top turnbuckle and comes down and catches Wesley Crane between the eyes with a double ax handle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Harvey van Houten pulls AVB up, but Von Blankenship with a desperation kick to his balls!
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know if it’s desperation, I think he just thinks it’s funny.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex in the ring now, and they take out Harvey van Houten with a double shoulderblock! Scott Fargo comed over but he catches a double DDT!
Tong Fairtex pulls Wesley Crane’s head into his legs and lifts him up as Phantam climbs to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex with a spike piledriver on Wesley Crane!!
Phantam Fairtex starts peppering AVB with muy thai knee and fist strikes while Tong begins climbing the ladder. The audience gets louder with every step
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex gets to the top of that ladder, but The Sheik climbs up the other side! The Sheik huracanranas Tong off the ladder to the mat below!!
The crowd erupts and chants “SHEIK!! SHEIK!! SHEIK!!” Kilroy and Phantam both look at their partners laying on the mat, then look at each other. They both get the same idea and begin climbing the ladder at the same time
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s a race to the top! Phantam gets there first…
Phillip Blauer: Of course, he’s so much more physically fit. The last ladder Kilroy climbed was to his bunk bed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam grabs for the belt, but Kilroy stops him! Fairtex gives him a guillotine choke on the top of the ladder!
Mehrunes Smith pulls Leonard van Dam into his legs and pulls him up into a high angle tigerbomb!! On the top of the ladder, Fairtex leans back, using gravity to put immense pressure on Evans’ neck. Some of the audience cheers for Phantam, while the rest chant “KILROY!! KILROY!! KILROY!!” Suddenly Hasbulla enters the ring
Phillip Blauer: A small child is in the ring!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, that’s Hasbulla!
Hasbulla starts shaking the ladder but it doesn’t move at all. Scott Fargo scoops Wesley Crane up into a brainbuster! Suddenly the fans cheer as Lil Corny starts making his way down to the ring with his tennis racket
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Lil Corny!
Phillip Blauer: I’m sorry, do we have a children’s locker room now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lil Corny runs into the ring and chases Hasbulla out by swinging that tennis racket at him!
Phantam Fairtex continues to squeeze Kilroy in the guillotine choke on the top of the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans slips his head out and does The Bad Touch diamond cutter on Phantam off of the ladder!!
The Palm Springs fans jump up and down in celebration while the ring is a car wreck. Lil Corny is celebrating with his tennis racket when Alexander Von Blankenship suddenly steals it from him
Phillip Blauer: Good, kid could put an eye out with that thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship cracks Lil Corny with his own tennis racket!!
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos as AVB stands over Lil Corny’s lifeless body, seemingly unsure of his action. Kilroy Evans gets up and sees Lil Corny lying there
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans is enraged as he attacks AVB!
Kilroy and Alexander Von Blankenship spill out to ringside as they punch one another, when suddenly Florida Man runs out
Phillip Blauer: Florida Man is still here! He must be on the no fly list still.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man biting the neck of Kilroy Evans!!
Phillip Blauer: He’s gonna need shots after that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans is going to need more than shots…
Phillip Blauer: No, I was talking about Florida Man.
Referees Tommy Milligan, Kelly O’Connell, Richie Richardson and Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. try to pull Florida Man off of Kilroy Evans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Meanwhile, his partner, The Sheik climbing up to grab the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships!
The Acrisure Arena chants “SHEIK!! SHEIK!! SHEIK!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik has a hand on each title…but The End knock the ladder down to the mat!!
The Sheik staggers to his feet, but The End is on either side of him, and spin out into a high low spin kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Total Elimination!!
Scott Fargo sets up the ladder underneath the belts, and then they both climb up either side of it
Guillermo O’Bannon: The End wisely taking up both sides of the ladder, and Mehrunes Smith plucks the Hardkore World Tag Team titles from the hook!!
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and the Palm Springs audience boos. Mehrunes Smith and Scott Fargo hold the Hardkore World Tag Team title belts up in the air. “Angel's Thanatos" by Akira Yamaoka plays
Greg Jin: “At 26 minutes 31 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE END!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The End have made history and won the Hardkore World Tag Team titles in their first big show here tonight! There was a lot of moving parts that are still going on…
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts to Hardkore Security seperating Kilroy Evans, Florida Man, and Alexander Von Blankenship. Blood is pouring down Kilroy’s neck where Florida Man bit him
Guillermo O’Bannon: …but The End had their tag team expertise on display here tonight and preserved through four other teams.
Scott Fargo and Mehrunes Smith stand in the center of the ring, each holding their Hardkore World Tag Team title belt up in the opposite hand
Phillip Blauer: It was an amazing 9 month reign for The Anointed. They went through membership changes but the heart of the group remained the same, me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They will go down as one of the great champions, joining Tempered Steel, The Creamer Dynasty, and the Miracle Violence Combination II. However, that was a horrible display by both AVB and Florida Man. Both have a reckoning with Kilroy coming.
Phillip Blauer: So do most double western cheeseburgers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, The End makes history here at Hardkore Hall, and sit atop the West Coast!
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next is our Hardkore West Coast title match between the new champion Simon Cruise, putting it on the line against former Hardkore World Champion Kalmin Watts.
Phillip Blauer: Look. I’m going to come right out and say it. I don’t like either of these guys.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But?
Phillip Blauer: Hmm?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (rolls his eyes) Two of Hardkore World’s top athletes looking to become King of the West!
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. The Acrisure Arena cheers wildly as a masked Kalmin Watts walks out from behind the curtain with the Wrestle: UK World Championship wrapped around his waist.
Phillip Blauer: What’s with the mask?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t you watch any of the promos?
Phillip Blauer: Show me the column in my paycheck that shows the money I get from watching promos.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin suffered a serious orbital socket injury in his marathon match with Cross Recoba when Cross used a chair and that mask is to protect it from further damage.
Phillip Blauer: He should have asked to borrow Mehrunes Smith’s mask. Have you seen that thing? It’s nifty!
Kalmin Watts jogs down to the ring as the Palm Springs fans reach out to touch him as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. try to hold them back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recently his manager…
Phillip Blauer: Not seen here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …has been concerned that since Kalmin Watts lost the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, that his brand needs retooling.
Phillip Blauer: Seems like sound marketing perception to me. You see, that’s why Kermit…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin.
Phillip Blauer: Kalmin Watts needs Anthony Jordan. Let Watts worry about dumb bells and hindu squats, and let Anthony Jordan do what Anthony Jordan does.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re not calling him Tony Bologna this month?
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) That’s not appropriate. The man’s not even Italian. Plus he’s a job provider. Not only has he managed Kalmin Watts to two World Championships on two different continents, but he threw a bone to old Scorpion there. You know, this business is brutal on it’s old timers. CM Punk is finding that out now. But leave it to someone like Anthony Jordan to provide some dignity for someone like ol’ Scorpy.
Yolanda Ando: Kalmin Watts is wearing an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thanks, Yolanda. The last time Kalmin Watts was here was Palm Springs Punishment 2023, when he teamed with Gavin Drake to unsuccessfully challenge for the Hardkore World Tag Team titles against “The Punisher” Dan Stein and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane. But just recently, over in Cardiff, Wales for Wrestle: UK, Kalmin Watts teamed with longtime Hardkore star Psychotic Goth to defeat Preston Reese and Wesley Crane.
Kalmin Watts steps through the ropes and starts loosening up his neck muscles. He messes with his mask, trying to straighten it out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan says that Kalmin Watts respects Simon Cruise and they both consider him a rival for years to come. But he doesn’t want Simon to have any illusions that it will somehow lessen the intensity in which the Wrestle: UK World Champion is going to come after him.
Phillip Blauer: He was just being polite. He doesn’t sweat this sawed off beach bum that has to look up to Kalmin Watts. That’s a little thing we call in the biz, “professional courtesy.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: I had no idea you even knew that word existed.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit, and it is for the HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, hailing from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds; He is The Current Wrestle: UK World Heavyweight Champion…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The Hardkore fans cheer loudly! Watts nods and looks towards the entrance
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over The Acrisure Arena. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launches himself into the audience on Robinson, his talking surfboard. If any of the Palm Springs crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside. A fan holds up a sign that says “I’m A Cruise Dude”
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is Simon Cruise’s first Hardkore West Coast title defense after defeating “The High Roller” Wesley Crane in Denver. He got that shot after winning a threeway with Tuxedo Mask and The Sheik at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023. Once again, Simon says that the landlocked Palm Springs affects his mindset and he apparently hopes to offset that by getting inside the mind of Kalmin Watts by driving a further wedge between himself and Anthony Jordan.
Phillip Blauer: I’m getting a little tired of everyone picking on Kalmin Watts for having audacity of having a manager. Didn’t anyone ever hear of the great managers of yesteryear? Slick? “Coach” John Tolos? Sir Oliver Humperdink? Sonny Ono??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Heenan.
Phillip Blauer: What in God’s name is a Heenan?
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board
Guillermo O’Bannon: (clapping) That never gets old!
Phillip Blauer: I disagree.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Are you going to be like this the entire match?
Phillip Blauer: Can’t we get that little guy to come back and blow his whistle? That was nice.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Simon Cruise realizes that Kalmin Watts has his fans and he doesn’t want to alienate them by disparaging the former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, but he doesn’t much care for his manager. He was let down by Kalmin not addressing him personally, and feels he’s not taking this match, or Simon Cruise seriously.
Phillip Blauer: It’s shocking that someone wouldn’t take a grown man in board shorts with the proper gravity.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like every night, Simon Cruise wants to steal the show, and wants everyone vying for the Hardkore West Coast title.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds, The Big Kahuna, He is The Current HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The crowd roars as Simon Cruise flashes them a hang loose sign. The beach ball bounces around the audience while a fan in the front row waves his surfboard.
Hardkore West Coast Title Match
Simon Cruise vs. Kalmin Watts
Richie Richardson signals for the bell. Simon Cruise and Kalmin Watts locks up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts grabs a wristlock. He puts pressure on Cruise’s wrist and elbow, while Simon tries to push back.
Simon pushes Kalmin’s wristlock back, so Watts easily overtakes him with a headlock. He locks his hands together and clamps down on Simon’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise slips his head out and grabs a headlock of his own.
Phillip Blauer: Submission infringement.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise tries to pop Watts’ head off like a bottle top, and in doing so, is moving that protective mask a little so that Kalmin will be having trouble seeing.
Phillip Blauer: Picking on the handicapped. Despicable.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts escapes the headlock and does a go behind, and takes him to the mat with a rear waistlock takedown. He applies a hammerlock while Cruise is face down on the canvas.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in but Cruise doesn’t answer. He plants his palm on the mat, and then spins his body until he’s behind Kalmin in a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore West Coast Champion attempting to hold his own with the Oklahoma collegiate wrestler. Watts works his way to his feet and peels Cruise’s locked hands apart. But Simon takes him over into an arm drag.
Simon Cruise grabs an arm bar. Kalmin Watts fixes his mask’s eye holes, while Cruise clamps down his arm. Simon tries to rip the arm out of it’s socket
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts realizes he can’t stay on the mat with Cruise, and fights his way back to his feet with Simon hanging on to that armbar. Watts uses his free hand, to easily pick up the 205 pound Cruise and bodyslam his way out of the arm bar!
The fans cheer, but Simon Cruise hangs on and flips him right back into the armbar again, popping the crowd
Phillip Blauer: He’s like a sticker you can’t quite get off your shoe.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon sticks his knee into the ball of Watts’ shoulder. Watts kips back up to his feet, with Cruise continuing to hang on to that arm bar.
Kalmin Watts finally hip tosses his way out of the arm bar for good. Cruise rolls back up and charges, but Watts arm drags him. Kalmin fixes his mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Cruise up into a shoulderbreaker. He pulls Cruise up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes. Watts back drops him up high in the air!
Hardkore Hall cheers and Cruise sits up in pain. Watts pulls him up and into a reverse side waistlock and then gut wrench suplexes him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts goes for a suplex but Cruise blocks it. The quicker Simon Cruise hits him with a standing dropkick!
Watts tries to get to his feet but has to pull his mask back into place, and gets caught with a kneelift
Phillip Blauer: I gotta say, Kalmin Watts seems to be very hindered by that mask. He might want to consider just going blind instead.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’ll pass that along. Cruise irish whips him but Watts reverses it and shoots Simon into the ropes, catching him with a devastating full powerslam!
ONE!
TWO!
Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops Simon Cruise up into a gutbuster.
A gasping Cruise holds his stomach and tries to regain his breath. He stands up but Watts is right behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Belly to back suplex by Kalmin Watts! He pulls Simon Cruise up into a bearhug!
The fans cheer as Cruise cries out in pain. Kalmin Watts clasps his wrist behind Simon’s lower back and crushes it with his powerful arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts, restricting Simon’s breathing, with that big chest pressing against Cruise’s. The Hardkore West Coast Champion tries to punch his way out of the bearhug, but Kalmin just clamps down.
Phillip Blauer: He just put out that fire. Where is Anthony Jordan, by the way?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He is clearly choosing to stay away, giving his client some space.
Richie Richardson asks Simon Cruise if he wants to submit, but the surfer shakes his head. Some of the fans chant “SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise nodding his head, feeding off the crowd’s energy. They were introduced to him just five months ago, Simon Cruise was here at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, defeating Little Dragon. However, he was here as a youth working ring crew.
Phillip Blauer: He always got my lunch order wrong. Chicken McNuggets with the breading and chicken separated in two different piles with the dipping sauces from Wendy’s, and a Mello Yello from Arby’s. How hard is that to remember?
He punches Watts’ forehead, but it has no effect.
Simon Cruise claps his hands together, ringing Kalmin’s head like a bell with his forearm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise with another bell clap, finally freeing him from the bearhug! He japanese arm drags Watts to the mat.
Another one whips Kalmin to the other side of the ring. Simon irish whips Kalmin Watts into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise with a diving clothesline that takes out Kalmin Watts!
The Acrisure Arena cheers, and Simon flashes them the “hang loose” sign
Phillip Blauer: I shall “hang” however I please. You’re not the boss of me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise measures him and then drops a leg across Watts’ jawline.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle. He waits for Kalmin to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise dives off the top rope with a flying body press but Kalmin Watts catches him!
Kalmin Watts walks him around the ring as the Palm Springs audience applauds his impressive show of strength
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts now walking Simon Cruise around the ring!
Phillip Blauer: Watts is just toying with him now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts bodyslams him but Simon hangs onto his leg and inside cradles him!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts gets to his feet first and whacks Cruise with a hard chop! Simon Cruise answers with a punch! Watts with another blistering chop!
Hardkore Hall “Woos!” with each chop from Kalmin Watts, and Simon responds with hard right hands
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts with another overhand chop to Cruise’s chest!
Phillip Blauer: That’s going to leave a mark.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon comes back with a punch, but Kalmin catches his arm.
Simon Cruise tries to punch him with his free left hand, but Watts catches that one as well. Cruise gulps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin double arm overhook suplexes Simon Cruise!
The crowd applauds. Watts pulls Cruise up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts chops Cruise in the throat with a reverse knife edge, taking him out!
The Palm Springs audience gets louder! Simon clutches his throat, as he tries to breathe. Watts pulls him back up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts scoops him up and drops his spine across his knee with a backbreaker. He lifts Simon up into a vertical suplex and just leaves him up there!
The fans applaud as Kalmin holds a shaky Cruise up there, but soon Simon falls on top of him in a body press
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Phillip Blauer: Looks like someone forgot to eat their Wheaties this morning.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It could be that orbital injury coming back to haunt him. Kalmin gets up and walks right into a roundhouse kick!
Phillip Blauer: Well that’s not gonna help his orbital situation.
Kalmin Watts falls through the ropes to the floor below. He gets back up near the apron and has to fix his mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise hits the ropes and baseball slide dropkicks Kalmin Watts into the guardrail!
Cruise steps through the ropes out onto the ring apron. He gets a running start along the apron and jumps off with a kneelift that catches Watts right between the eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘17!!
Phillip Blauer: Was that a good year for wipeouts or something? I’m not following.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m not surprised. Simon Cruise back in the ring and runs into the ropes. He somersaults over the ropes with a Tailspin tope con hilo!!
Hardkore Hall erupts and the fans chant “SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!” Simon Cruise crawls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise suicide dives over the ropes but Kalmin Watts avoids it and the Hardkore West Coast Champion crashes into the railing!!
The fans let out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Cruise hitting the guardrail. Watts adjusts his mask, then bodyslams Cruise on the concrete! Simon arches his back in pain as Kalmin Watts rolls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise pulls himself back up to the apron, but Kalmin is waiting for him on the other side. He suplexes Cruise back into the ring, bounces Simon’s feet on the top rope into a slingshot suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts scoops him up and drops Cruise into a ribbreaker. Another one! He pulls him up for another one, but decides against it and just dumps him on the mat.
Phillip Blauer: One has to be judicious in their ribbreakers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts irish whips Cruise into the ropes and catches him coming back with a spinning belly to belly suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts applies an abdominal stretch. He uses that 10 inch height advantage he has to rack Cruise across his body.
Simon Cruise screams in great agony while Kalmin pulls back on his hooked arm. Richie Richardson asks Cruise if he wants to tap out but he screams out “No!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts plants his foot and leans back on that arm, stretching Simon’s abdominal muscles.
Phillip Blauer: Hence the name.
Some of the fans start clapping faster and faster, trying to root Simon Cruise on. Cruise bangs his head in time with the clapping
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise plants his feet and hip tosses his way out of the abdominal stretch. Watts gets up and kicks him in the stomach, then pulls him up for a piledriver, but Cruise rolls up onto his shoulders and around to the back of his neck, then tucks forward for a victory roll!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise does a handspring into a Radomizer mule kick to Kalmin Watts’ face!
Cruise steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and then springboard sentons Watts
Guillermo O’Bannon: WIPEOUT ‘18!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kalmin Watts gets his shoulder up!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise tries to put the big man out with a sleeper hold. He clamps down on the head and throat of Kalmin Watts, thrashing him from side to side. These two have battled for 20 minutes already, and Cruise attempting to use the bigger man’s fatigue against him.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks Kalmin Watts if he wants to give up but doesn’t get an answer. He tests Watts’ arm but he keeps it up and the match continues
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts powers his way back to his feet, but Simon Cruise is not letting go of that sleeper. Cruise piggybacks onto Watts so he can continue to squeeze the air from the big wildebeest.
Phillip Blauer: Hardly seems nice.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts might be going down again, this time for good! But he uses the last of his strength to backpedal into the corner, squashing Cruise against the turnbuckles!
The fans cheer. Watts adjusts his mask while he tries to catch his breath. He scoops Cruise up on his shoulder and backs into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Running powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Kalmin Watts goes to the corner to wait for Simon Cruise to get up. He gets down in a three point stance and the Palm Springs crowd roars in anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts charges in with an Oklahoma Tackle that nearly knocks Simon Cruise out of the ring!
Kalmin Watts applies a stomach claw. Cruise grimaces in pain, and pulls himself up to his feet while Watts squeezes his abdominal muscles with his powerful hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts grabs Cruise by the legs and spinebusters him hard into the mat!
The fans cheer loudly as the impact bounces Watts right back up to his feet. He pulls down his straps and pulls Simon back up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Watts goes for a textbook suplex, but Simon Cruise pulls Kalmin’s mask to the side, over his eyes, and rolls back into a small package!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Palm Springs crowd leaps to their feet! A blinded and angry Kalmin Watts tries to get his mask right so he can see! “Riptide” by Vance Joy plays as Simon Cruise flees the ring and collects his Hardkore West Coast Championship from Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr.
Greg Jin: “At 23 minutes 30 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Phillip Blauer: That’s illegal! You can’t use a man’s orbital protection unit against him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kalmin Watts is nearly 10 inches taller than Cruise and outweighs him by 60 pounds. I think after 20 plus minutes, Simon was ready to use any advantage he could.
Kalmin Watts argues with Richie Richardson, who claims there is nothing illegal about using your mask against you
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise with a huge victory here tonight, getting through his first title defense against a former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion.
Simon Cruise celebrates with some ringside fans with his Hardkore West Coast title
Guillermo O’Bannon: As I said earlier, perhaps Kalmin Watts’ eye injury affecting him here tonight in Palm Springs as he seemed a little off. Coming up fans is the XHF Junior Heavyweight Title Match between Zoran Sainovic and El Rey! Don’t go away!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans up next we have some XHF Global Action-
Phillip Blauer: That's right, Guillermo! It is time for Hardkore World to become the new GUNS of the XHF - with a grotesque monopoly on all the XHF branded titles! ...And who better to make us look superior than GUNS' favourite son?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It will be The Anointed's El Rey challenging his mentor, Zoran Sainovic for the Junior Heavyweight Championship!
Phillip Blauer: First the X*Crown, now the JHC - and you can take that to the bank!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don't think it will be a cake walk, Phil. The two of us saw this dieting Zoran at Marty'N'Tinto's Birthday Bash... and he seemed dangerously hangry.
Phillip Blauer: Don't mention cake, he'll go on a stabbing spree!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Couldn't happen to a nicer guy than El Rey. ...though I certainly hope that HKW can win more gold. Let's throw it over to Greg Jin for introductions...
In the ring, Greg looks suspiciously at his cue cards... he doesn't recognize the writing - but his main professional polish is reading whatever is handed to him, regardless of consequences.
Greg Jin: The following contest is the BETTER HALF of the double main event!
Phillip Blauer: Double main event? I'd bet money on what Serbian career wrestling politician swapped cue cards on Greg.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jonnie is not going to like that-
Greg Jin: ...And is for the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Audience: We Like Titles POP!!!
Greg Jin: Entering first, the challenger - coming to us by way of Atlanta, Georgia - he stands at 5'10", weight in at 203lbs... please give a warm round of applause for-
Atlanta's Favourite Son-
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLL REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up there surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey is a former JHC title holder - having lost the strap at Night of Champion's Cruiserfest, in a match eventually won by his mentor.
Phillip Blauer: You know Rey is itching for revenge!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Actually he wanted nothing to do with this match, and on our Maui joint show was tricked into it by Sainovic - as a test. Watch the programs, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: I watch lots of things...
Greg Jin: And the champion... coming to us from Atlanta, George by way of Belgrade, Serbia - he stands at 6'1", and weighs in at 210lbs - that part was underlined. Please give a warm Hardkore World welcome to...
THAT XHF DEVIL-
YOUR FINAL BOSS-
ZOOOOOOOOOOOOORAN SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINOVIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Heavy’s “Big Bad Wolf” pumps over the PA system.
#With Time Slipping Away#
#I Can't Say What I'll Do...#
#You Got Nothing To Saaaaaaaaaaaay#
#'Til I Tell You Who's Whoooooooooooooo#
#You Know Why?#
The arena is plunged into darkness, before white spotlights search through the crowd - finally coming to a rest by the ramp. The flash of a blade draws attention to the entrance curtains, just as a scythe cuts them down. The XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion steps out into the arena, his appearance triggering a surge of pyro. Red and orange fireworks cast the middle age European in a light that is reminiscent of hell.
#Cos I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
The XHF Devil’s appearance sparks a steady stream of garbage to be tossed at the entranceway. This reaction is no doubt for stabbing Marty. If he'd come earlier, the audience would be throwing roses instead.
#And I'm Blowing Down Your Neighbourhood#
Zoran uses the steps to enter the ring, greeted by a barrage of red and white streamers. As the Final Boss centers himself, a second volley of pyro is set off.
#I SAID#
#AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#
The sparks burn away the thin streamer paper - until the flaming scraps fall off Zoan's shoulders. Those familiar with the monster from the rest of the network will notice Sainovic seems to have dropped thirty pounds of muscle. He is still scary though. Unfastening the JHC, Sainovic hands it to referee Kenzie McSpurts - and stares daggers at Rey.
Phillip Blauer: So these two are currently tagging?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They have already advanced through the first round of XHF's Annihilator - and will face The Anointed next week.
Phillip Blauer: But Rey is a member... there is nothing stopping him from turning on Sainovic, and turning it into a gang beating.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran didn't seem concerned. That would probably be his preference.
Phillip Blauer: That guy is sick.
XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
ZORAN SAINOVIC (c) vs. EL REY
DING! DING! DING!
As the bell rings, Zoran explodes out of the corner - into a... handshake.
El Rey: May the better man win.
Smiling coldly, Sainovic stops his attack, shaking hands.
Zoran Sainovic:Zat's alright Rey, I really need you to win.
Oh no, El Rey isn't falling for those passive aggressive barbs - this is going to be a friendly.
El Rey: Just so long as the focus is on our technical display and friendship...
Nodding at this mission statement of "no blood or cripplings," El Rey starts to let go of the handshake. He's letting go of his grasp. He's clearly trying to move away. What the hell, let go of my hand! What a tight grip. Even in his emaciated state, Sainovic holds his ground. El Rey tries to pull himself away, not unlike a frustrated toddler, but is also trying to maintain his badass image. It's a difficult balance.
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey trying to shake off, but Sainovic holding firm.
Zoran Sainovic: Treat me like I'm anyone else...
El Rey (thinking about gnawing his own arm off): I couldn't do that. I, uh, respect you too much?
The grip gets stronger, forcing El Rey down a knee as he worries about breaking his hand.
Zoran Sainovic: Knock it off, Rey. We probably have Ze End in two weeks, and I need you LETHAL. If Scottie Fargo shook your hand, how would it play out?
El Rey (using his free hand to try to pull Sainovic's claw open): I'd really rather not...
Zoran Sainovic: Anyone else offers you a hand, what do the get, Rey?
El Rey (near tears): Please don't make me...
Zoran Sainovic: DO IT!
Jumping back up to his feet, El Rey kicks Zoran in the crotch to break the handshake.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Guillermo O’Bannon: EL REY STARTING THINGS OFF WITH A LOW BLOW ON HIS SAINOVIC & SON FATHER FIGURE!
A hush falls over the crowd, as they fully expect El Rey to be murdered for this move. He was relatively new to the HKW roster, so they are sure they'll get over Rey's demise quickly - but still kind of sad. You could hear a pin drop. Which makes it all the more menacing when Sainovic's laughter rings out.
Phillip Blauer: The handshake... didn't break!
Zoran Sainovic: Call that a low blow?
El Rey (trembling): I really want this to be a clean-
Zoran Sainovic: AGAIN!
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey with another thrust kick to the crotch! But Zoran stands his ground!
Zoran Sainovic: YOU CAN DO BETTER!
#SMACK#
Phillip Blauer (cringe): That one was loud enough that I could hear it...
Guillermo O’Bannon: This seems nonsensically traumatic, but I hear Sainovic like adopting anyway.
Zoran Sainovic: Do you even like gold?
Snapping, and hand turning purple, El Rey unloaded with some rapid fire STIFF Kawada kicks to Zoran's crotch.
#SMAAAACK#
#SMAAAAAAAAACK#
#SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK#
The last kick is so hard that Sainovic doubles over, the gap is loosened.
Zoran Sainovic:Zat's more like it my boy.
El Rey stands up, confident that he can beat Zoran - he just needed to find the way. The path is now clear - hit groin shots until Zoran's testicles have swollen up to the size of grapefruits, and the old man won't be able to chase him. Rey feels just like Luke Skywalker in the Dark Side Cave. Yoda is screwed!
#THUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD#
The confidence is short lived as Zoran breaks the handshake by knocking El Rey off with a hellacious forearm smash.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After all that work on El Rey's part, Zoran is the one to make the break. Needlessly cruel.
Phillip Blauer: What a dick.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You took the words right out of my mouth.
Leaning over his downed protege, Zoran offers Rey a hand up. El Rey starts to take it, only to stop himself. Good. He's learning. Rey rolls back to put some space between himself and the haggard ghoul. Shaking his hand to get some feeling back in it, El Rey circles the ring like he was sizing Zoran up. He starts to dart in a few times, but stops himself. When the hand upgrades from purple to blue, El Rey shoots in for a collar tie-up... only before Zoran can cinch it in, the smaller man uses his superior speed to slink around back for a waistlock! This is going to be a technical wrestling match whether Zoran likes it or not. Rather than try to wrestle out of it, Sainovic just throws back a hard elbow which ROCKS Rey off of him. ER tries to shoot in with a double leg takedown, but Sainovic knees him in the face. Sainovic charges in with a jumping kneelift, but Rey slides under his mentor. Recovering to attack from behind, Rey once again tries to shepherd the contest away from hard strikes and back into the technical arts - by applying a waistock. Sainovic again tries to shake the younger star off with elbows, but this time Rey is able to bob and weave away from them. Reaching over, Zoran tries to find a fist full of hair to ace breaker out - but before he gets the chance, Rey falls back turning it into a school boy roll-up. 1... 2... big kickout.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Just as the champion forced Rey to hit low, Rey is now forcing the two to chain wrestle. Perhaps looking for a flash pin to end this with a quick surprise.
Phillip Blauer: I'm rooting for Rey here, but if he is looking for a surprise pin, he'd better hope Zoran doesn't notice it worked until they have a view states between them.
Rey tries to apply a wristlock - but Zoran whips him into the corner. ER hits the turnbuckles hard enough that he rebounds back. Zoran changes in to meet him with a Pressure Point, but Rey ducks under and again applies the waistlock like he may still lull Sainovic into a false sense of security. El Rey is insidious that way. This time Zoran stomps on the foot, loosening the grasp, then spins around with another elbow, which Rey avoids but has to give enough slack that Zoran twists out. Sainovic starts to pull Rey into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but has lost enough muscle that Rey usable to transition it into a victory roll. It doesn't look pretty but does get a 1... 2 count before Zoran reverses it. Thee is a 1 count, but Zoran lets go because that isn't how this is going to end. Sainovic hoists Rey off the canvas for a spine buster, but Rey turns it into a inside cradle! 1... 2... foot in the ropes. El Rey continues this chain wrestling rouse, because the alternative would be painful.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Impressive mat work on display from the latest addition to The Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: Even if its not causing too much physical damage, he just has to keep t up. With Zoran yo-yo diet to stay a junior heavyweight, he'll be gassed in no time. Rey just has to stay two moves ahead-
Guillermo O’Bannon: ...and he's chain wrestled his way into another handshake.
El Rey: Oh come on!
ER kicks the ropes in frustration, but referee Kenzie McSpurts informs him that a handshake isn't the kind of hold he'd enforce a rope break over.
Phillip Blauer: El Rey just ca't catch a break.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This good sportsmanship is going to be the death of him.
El Rey: You asked for it!
Hand being crushed by Zoran, El Rey leaps onto the middle ropes, then dives off with a dropkick to the crotch!
#THWAP#
The Final Boss seems unfazed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sainovic using the handshake to pull Rey into a VICIOUS short-arm closeline- but doesn't let go! Just drags him back up into another! And another! And Another! And Another! And Another! And Another! And Another!
Phillip Blauer: Stop! He's already dead!
Guillermo O’Bannon: And ANOTHER!
Being pulled back up in the air like a rag doll, which is no small feat as Sainovic currently looks like a rag doll, Rey desperately kicks out hitting a makeshift enziguri.
#THWACK#
The kick hits hard enough that Zoran releases his hold. Rey tries to recover on the canvas, but Sainovic just stands there - semi-conscious. Rey notices a few strands of hair on his boot. Gross. Wait, is that blood? Even more gross! Rey tries to wipe his boot off on the canvas. Zoran reaches up, and checks the back of his head - heavy bleeding from a misplaced heel.
Phillip Blauer: Rey draws first blood! Good for him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What are you saying? How can any good come from that?
Phillip Blauer: Oh you're right, RUN REY!
Wide eyed, Rey rolls out under the bottom rope before Zoran can give him a receipt. Perhaps a breather on the floor will let calmer heads prevail?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
#CRASH#
Guillermo O’Bannon: SUICIDE DIVE!
Diving out of the ring, Zoran drives El Rey into the guardrail. Before Rey can recover, Zoran grinds his face into the guardrail. Kenzie McSpurts begins a 10 count. 1. While Rey tries to pull himself off the guardrail, Zoran starts clubbing down with forearm smashes. 2. Lifting Rey up in the air, Zoran hits a press into the guardrail. 3. Rey staggers off. Sainovic tries to grab his wrist, but El Rey arm drags him into the guardrail. 4. Before Zoran can pull himself off the steel, Rey hits a stinger splash into it. The force is enough to dislodge the steps. 5! Confidence building, El Rey climbs up onto the apron, leaps into the ropes, then dives off with an Asai Moonsault that further grinds Zoran into the steel. 6! That is plenty of time! Climbing back up onto the apron, this time Rey jumps up to the top turnbuckle before leaping off!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Guillermo O’Bannon: TOPE CON HI-
#CRASH#
Sainovic rolls to one side, leaving Rey to splatted against the jagged edges of the overturned steps. 7! Grabbing Rey by the ankle, Zoran drags him down the steps so that Rey hits every step on the way down to the concrete floor. 8! Not wanting to retain, let alone on a count out, Zoran giant swings Rey under the bottom rope and into the ring. 9! Zoran waits a moment to show the referee who is boss. There is no 10 count coming - before following Rey into the ring. No sooner does Sainovic reenter, then Rey is on top of him with boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sainovic just beating the count, and Rey immediately pounces - stomping a hole in him.
Phillip Blauer: It's Zoran's fault for taking his sweet time coming back in. Rey has the better cardio to begin with. Zoran might play up being scary, but since going down a weight division he's lost to both Copycat AND Tinto. I've seen it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: If you look at his stats, the champion has lost more matches in the last two months than he has the rest of the year. Rey certainly showing more confidence now, trying to open up that cut in the back of Sainovic's head.
Going up top, Rey comes off the top with a double stomp! 1... 2... fistful of ropes. Sainovic starts to climb back up using the ropes, but Rey continues to stomp away, trying to keep the older man down. Eventually Zoran grabs one of the feet aimed at his chest, twists it, then tosses Rey back. Before Rey can recover, Zoran is back up to his feet. This isn't good. The Final Boss starts to charge at the challenger with a pressure point!
El Rey: No Steve, I can take care of this myself!
Zoran turns, a blade drawn fro his sleeve to gut Steve Awesome - nothing.
Phillip Blauer: Rey bluffs that he had Anointed backup.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why doesn't he have Anointed back-up?
Phillip Blauer: He doesn't want to piss Zoran off. Steve Awesome shows up, and Zoran would MURDER Rey.
When Sainovic turns back to Rey from the phantom Steve with a sneer, he's immediately drawn into a-
Guillermo O’Bannon: INSIDE CRADLE!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THR- NO!
Phillip Blauer: Slow count! Come on ref! I swear these XHF officials with their slow counts are just trying to screw Hardkore World.
Both men scramble up to their feet, only for Sainovic to NAIL Rey with a sickle strike.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rey trying to sucker Zoran into another flash pin, and I think he's finally succeeded in rubbing his mentor the wrong way.
Rey charges in for a Rana, but Sainovic catches him with a STIFF knife-edge chop that hacks him out of the air. Rey falls to the canvas, holding his midsection in pain, but doesn't have too long to rub his wounds before Sainovic hits him with an overhand knife-edge chop. Rey tries to bring his arms up to defend, but Zoran just keeps chopping away.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shouldn't have mentioned Awesome. Up until that point, it looked like Zoran genuinely wanted Rey to win, but now-
Phillip Blauer: Why did Zoran want to lose? Is it just the dieting thing?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He also wanted to get Rey out of the Anointed.
Phillip Blauer: How would winning the JHC get Rey out of the Anointed?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It's a touring belt, Phil. Rey would be on the road defending against other federations, and wouldn't have time to hang out with the Anointed in HKW.
Phillip Blauer: Wait, so the XHF global prize is to lose whatever talent wins it? That is horrid. Why did Jonnie throw in with these clowns?
As Phil makes sense, Zoran continues to beat his protege into raw hamburger. Survival instincts kicking in, Rey answers the onslaught with some stiff kicks of his own. A thrust kick to the gut causes Zoran to double over, seeing the older man up for a face wash. Just when it looks like repeated kicks t the head are going to knock the champion out, Zoran fires back with rapid fire tomahawk chops - drawing blood. Another big boot - connects with the jaw. Back and forth the men exchange strikes while the crowd counts along. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27.
Phillip Blauer: I didn't know they could count that high.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Really Phil, stop teasing the audience. And the tag team of Sainovic & Son almost out on their feet but still going blow for blow.
45. Now each shot staggers them, and it is pure spite that keeps both men standing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran shaking off another kick to the ribs - which look broken - and going in for the pressure point! No, ducked-
El Rey staggers around, again going for a waistlock, only this time turns it into a dragon suplex - dropping Sainovic on his neck. The striking stalemate at an end, the audience cheer. Not because they like El Rey - screw that guy - but because they weren't caught in the embarrassing reveal that they don't know the number 47. With Zoran down, a wobbly El Rey goes up top-
Phillip Blauer: 630 Senton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Guillermo O’Bannon: Zoran getting a foot in the ropes, and Rey is livid.
Zoran starting to stir, El Rey is quick to push the can barely walk offence- jumping into the ropes for a springboard 450-
Phillip Blauer: E-RAY PRESS-
Guillermo O’Bannon: NO, Sainovic catches him with the Harvester-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-foot in the ropes.
Grabbing Rey by the throat, Zoran rams him headfirst into the corner turnbuckle - choking him while slamming his head again and again into the post. Fatigue from his body eating itself makes this MOWDOWN less intense than usual, and Rey is able to hook a leg over the neck, breaking it with his rocker dropper - Tribute. Picking Zoran up, Rey charges out of the corner with a Fireman's carry, then drops the older man with a reverse DDT.
Phillip Blauer: E-Ratio Variation 3!
Guillermo O’Bannon: You learned all the variations - no wonder you don't want Rey to win the title and tour away... follows it up with a standing shooting star press for the cover-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-kickout.
El Rey starts to go for the E-Reytio Variation 2, only to eat a PRESSURE POINT. A follow-up forearm keeps Rey on his feet, and back into the ropes, where a rising Zoran hits a-
Guillermo O’Bannon: SICKLE CLUTCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillip Blauer: NO, Rey somehow getting a shoulder up!
Shaking his head, Zoran starts to apply the Interrogation '19 - with a thumb over his protege's eye.
Zoran Sainovic: I hope pirate gimmicks make a comeback my boy, because if zat's all you've got - you're going to be sporting an eye patch.
Phillip Blauer: I can't watch-
Like Copycat, Zoran is about to pulp El Rey's eye - when his plucky protege twists out into a standing backflip cutter!
Guillermo O’Bannon: SLICED BREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THR-Zoran breaks the pin with an eye gouge.
A hush falls over the crowd as they wonder if Rey still has both eyes. He does. They cheer. But the celebration is short lived, as Zoran stops another dragon suplex attempt with a knee lift... then pulls Rey into a Balachko Clutch.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobra Clutch variation gets-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE- Rey with a foot in the ropes.
Zoran Sainovic: ...if... you zink... I'll take it easy on you, because I need a partner. Just... remember... if you... die... I can win it alone.
The Final Boss takes all fight out of Rey with a sleeper hold. Rey tries to counter, but Zoran just drops flat - turning it into the Sleep Deprivation. Sick of trading finishers, and expecting more fro Rey than that - Sainovic lifts his tag partner up in the air for The Pain-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Only this lesser form, with thirty pounds less of muscle, takes a few extra seconds to lift El Rey up for the high angle of the spike. Just enough time for El Rey to shift his weight into what looks like a crossbody block - but at an awkward enough angle that it pins Zoran to the canvas turning his spine into an accordion.
Phillip Blauer: REVERSAL!
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey with a press at an awkward angle-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DING! DING! DING!
Greg Jin: The winner of this match... and NEW XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion,
ELLLLLLLLLLLLLL REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY
The crowd cheer - not because they like El Rey, frankly they were kind of hoping that Zoran would kill him, but HKW has another global title!
Phillip Blauer: What did we just see?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Almost all the XHF Global titles are belonging to us!
The applause wakes the two men in the ring, who slowly crawl up to their knees.
El Rey (as excited as a small child): I DID IT, ZORAN!
Zoran Sainovic (already eating a Big Mac): I KNEW YOU COULD, REY!
The two horribly bruised men stagger up to their feet. El Rey offers a handshake.
El Rey: Thanks.
Zoran Sainovic (shaking head in disgust at the handshake): What are we, enemies?
Ignoring Rey's hand, Zoran gives his tag partner a hug.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Display of affection for Sainovic & Son - it's shocking to think they're the frontrunners for the Annihilator tournament.
Phillip Blauer: Which Anointed did we send?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hesbulah version.
As the hug stops, Sainovic raises Rey's arm in victory. It is at this moment that it becomes apparent they both have knives sticking out of their backs.
Phillip Blauer: They just can't help it can they...
El Rey: What the- is this a toy?
Rey tries to pull out the knife, only to find his King Arthur dreams go up in the air - as that blade isn't going anywhere. The new champion passes out.
Zoran Sainovic (noticing the knife in his own back, but still eating a rack of lamb): Damn it Rey, if I've said it once, I've said it a zousand times, you need to twist to do any real damage!
The Final Boss pulls the knife out of his own back, which starts to spurt blood like a lawn sprinkler. Maybe its the sudden blood loss, or the sugar high of eating real food - but the XHF Devil passes out as well. Both members of Sainovic & Son bleed out in the middle of the ring.
Phillip Blauer: I hate to be the voice of reason, but if the world title match doesn't want to be a slip & slide situation, we should probably get some paramedic out here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Those two deserve each other.
Phillip Blauer: And how.
