Post by flo on Oct 13, 2023 13:19:35 GMT -5
The gentle sounds of Fatboy Slim's Mad Flava can only mean that Florida Man is walking. Leading with his right foot into the fisheye lens of the camera, to match the distorted dimensions of Robert Crumb's "Keep on Trucking" Mister Natural pose, FML defies the laws of anatomy with his disproportionate strut down a pier. As is often the case when the Man from Florida goes walking, the world around him resembles an Max Fleischer cartoon - almost like you viewers had taken a hit before tuning in to enjoy Mescaline Vision. As FML wanders past one of the larger warehouses on the docks, he is approached by a seedy Japanese businessman.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa:
"That race was unfortunate."
Florida Man (pretending he knows was Ozawa is talking about):
Oh yeah, very sad. You know Nuns.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (Nuns?):
"Ah, yes. Most unfortunate. I thought ...their habits would.... allow them to fly."
Florida Man (nodding):
A common misconception, but you can't outrun harvesters. Lord knows I've tried.
Rival Recruiters Ozawa (maybe its a language thing? Just go with it):
"I imagine the rest will be put out on the street - who will take care of their charges now?"
Florida Man:
The Havester I imagine.
The hated rivals seem depressed. Perhaps they shouldn't committed to this lying exchange.
Florida Man (shaking head):
Worst episode of Mr. Belvedere ever.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (giving up):
"Perhaps our fortunes will change with the next race? No longer on land, but sea!"
Florida Man (puffing out chest):
Well, I was the leader of SKY FORCE which makes me an honorary Navy Admiral.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa:
"Capital! Then we're in our element."
Florida Man:
Exactly, we're practically semen!
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (lost in translation):
"Semen?"
Florida Man:
Semen!
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (suddenly realizes his mistake):
"AH, YES, Men of the sea!"
Florida Man:
Reproductive fluids.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (moving on, pointing to warehouse):
"Then allow me to direct you to our new vehicle."
The hated rivals enter the space to reveal...
The OceanGate Titan minisub.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (big smile):
"I picked it up for a steal."
Florida Man:
It's so small.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa:
"The price was affected by it's imploded state. But I'm happy to say that your associate has hammered out the interior so its only 40% smaller now."
Gazoo pops out of the entrance, ballpoint hammer in hand, and waves at Florida Man.
Gazoo:
Hi Man Darino!
Florida Man stares blankly at the dwarf for a solid minute before finally responding.
Florida Man:
Who the hell is Man Darino?
Ugh.
Gazoo:
You are-
Florida Man:
Gaz, it's ME, Florida Ma-
The dwarf dives off the double mini-sub to keep his client from broaching Network guidelines.
Gazoo (whispering):
Damn it Flo, you shouldn't be in multiple Network affiliates, so you're going by Man Darino in CAR.
Florida Man (speaking louder in case Gazoo doesn't speak English):
GAZOO, IT IS ME FLORIDA MAN.
Gazoo (slapping him):
When you're here, YOU ARE MAN DARINO.
Florida Man:
OH. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. I gotcha.
The Man from Florida would wink at the dwarf if his eyes weren't decorative features on his mask. After a solid minute of letting the revelation sink in, Florida Man finally plays along.
Florida Man:
So when is Darino getting here?
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (playing with his google translate in case he is missing something):
"I am worried that his density may cause the sub to float."
Florida Man (grabbing Ozawa by the throat):
Wait - Ozawa - when did YOU get here?
Gazoo (pulling Florida Man back... by the leg):
Damn it, Flo! The Ozawa you hate is in GUNS, while this is our CAR boss - who just happens to also go by Rival Recruiter Ozawa, which I'm sure is a coincidence.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (straightening tie):
"Exactly. Rival Recruiter Ozawa is a very common name where I come from. It's like Kim in Korea."
Gazoo:
Where do you come from?
Rival Recruiter Ozawa:
"Atlanta."
Florida Man (realizing the error of his ways):
Oh. Sorry about that.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (raising hand):
"Think nothing of it. CAR's move to open waters means that hiring a crocodile was a stroke of genius on my part."
Florida Man:
Oh. Florida Man was a crocodile, but Man Darino is an alligator - fresh water. I'll be completely out of my element.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa walks away from the promo to scream obscenities in Japanese. Gazoo decides to walk away from the vulgarity laced rant, leading FML to the minisub.
Gazoo:
This needed a lot of work - but I think you'll be pleased with the upgrades, Man.
Opening the front - the first thing that should be apparent is that submarine's shouldn't have hoods.
Gazoo:
Ozawa bought this because we figured the Logitech controller would play to your Call of Duty skills.
Florida Man:
I can call a preteen a pussy eight times faster than most teenagers. And Mountain Dew hasn't effected my raging hormones.
Gazoo:
Yes we all know you're the Bertrand Russell of COD... we just need those skills to transfer over to RACE wins.
Florida Man:
What else have you modified, so I have a happier ending than the last crew?
Gazoo:
I added a radio - but it only plays "My Heart Will Go On."
Florida Man:
Fantastic. What are we doing to increase speed?
Gazoo:
I've retrofitted the engine... observe.
Throwing on another light, Gazoo reveals a wrestling ring in their sub hanger.
Florida Man:
Aren't wrestling references frowned upon in CAR?
Gazoo:
CAR frowns upon a lot of things.
The Ultimate Warrior enters the ring, then starts to shake the ropes like he was having an epileptic seizure.
Florida Man:
What a great bike - look at him go. That's hilarious. Do I need to feed him peanut butter to get that affect, or will a red strobe light do? Also what does it have to do with me being a sailor?
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (returning):
Observe.
The sub open up further to reveal a larger propellor on the back... which has a red wrestling ring rope attached.
Ultimate Warrior:
DING. DING.
With the ringing of a handlebar bell, the bicycle exits the ring, and wheels past the Epcot Mafia before entering the sub. Assuming his position as the engine, The Ultimate Warrior starts to shake the rope violently causing the propellor to spin like mad.
TEXT AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN: 1. Describe your boat:
Rival Recruiter Ozawa:
So you see, wth your bicycle powering it - no other boat will compare to out Titan.
TEXT AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN 2. Dialog after your boat is launched?
Florida Man:
NICE! The minute before the race starts imma be all "Draw me like one of your French girls." Then when they're all busy sketching away, I'll launch first and be all "SUCKERS!" And they'll be all "Wait, I need you to hold the pose or the drawing will be ruined." So I'll be all: "Hang on, I'm coming back". And they'll wait, because art is important... only they won't see me again until I cross the finish line.
Gazoo:
Genius!
Rival Recruiter Ozawa:
"I need a better nemesis."
Gazoo:
You just need to know each other better. Like, what is your favourite colour?
TEXT AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN: 3. Characters describe their favorite color.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa:
Quercitron yellow.
Florida Man:
Miami Blue.
Gazoo:
Purple... what?
Florida Man:
I just assumed it was green.
Gazoo:
I'm getting pretty sick of green.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa:
"I'm not really seeing that as a bonding exercise."
TEXT AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN: 4. How will your team respond to winning?
Florida Man:
Nonsense. At this rate, we're guaranteed to come in first, collect our cup, then see if our TITAN is capable of seeing the Titanic.
Ultimate Warrior:
DING.
TEXT AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN: 5. How will your team respond to not winning?
Rival Recruiter Ozawa:
"Very well. But if we don't pull this off, I may have to become The Bowler Hat Brigade's Team Principle."
Florida Man:
Ha. You wouldn't leave us high and dry... 'cause on the ocean that would be physically impossible.
Gazoo:
Don't sweat it Ozawa, we have this race won. ...But to hedge our bets, a certain member of our team is going to learn how to swim.
The three men exchange looks, before Florida Man stomps off.
Florida Man:
Dang accreditation - it's like trying to run a race team with my MOTHER.
Gazoo:
Don't forget to bring a change of underwear!
Florida Man slams the warehouse door behind him. It's safe to say he may drown to death.