Why you gotta bee so rude?
Oct 15, 2023 7:42:15 GMT -5
Jack Diamond, bloodiedfox, and 2 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Oct 15, 2023 7:42:15 GMT -5
Whitefish, Montana
We open on a scenic mountain. A dirt path leads to a hunting cabin in the distance. Heading towards it is Disney’s Marty Donovan dressed in his finest suit and…bolo tie? He has a box of Padrón cigars and an expression of sheer terror. Struggling up the path in cowboy boots, the (Mouse) house ambassador talks to himself.
Marty:
We open on a scenic mountain. A dirt path leads to a hunting cabin in the distance. Heading towards it is Disney’s Marty Donovan dressed in his finest suit and…bolo tie? He has a box of Padrón cigars and an expression of sheer terror. Struggling up the path in cowboy boots, the (Mouse) house ambassador talks to himself.
Marty:
There really is nothing to be nervous about. I’ve been in so many scarier situations than this. Fighting on top of a cage with Jojo Sushi! Spearing Platinum Pat into barbed wire! Being freaking stabbed!
He nods to himself more confident.
Marty:
He nods to himself more confident.
Marty:
Yeah, this here isn’t even half as scary as Zoran is.
Marty heads up the front steps and goes to knock. His hand suddenly can’t make contact with the door as if there is a forcefield. Looking like he’s about to puke, Marty runs back down the road and hides behind a tree.
Marty:
Marty heads up the front steps and goes to knock. His hand suddenly can’t make contact with the door as if there is a forcefield. Looking like he’s about to puke, Marty runs back down the road and hides behind a tree.
Marty:
THIS IS TEN TIMES SCARIER THAN ZORAN! WHAT AM I THINKING?
He dry heaves before looking at a picture on his phone of a smiling woman in a race car.
Marty:
He dry heaves before looking at a picture on his phone of a smiling woman in a race car.
Marty:
No, it’s too important. Man up already.
Getting a second wind of courage, he marches back towards the house and never even notices the matching, patriotic hummers in the driveway. Marty knocks on the door and it is immediately yanked open.
Dana:
Getting a second wind of courage, he marches back towards the house and never even notices the matching, patriotic hummers in the driveway. Marty knocks on the door and it is immediately yanked open.
Dana:
Marty! Am I glad to see you!
Marty:
Marty:
Dana? What are you doing here?
The beekeeper practically yanks Marty into the house and directs him to the living room where Deacon Oldham sits with his arms crossed, pouting.
Marty:
The beekeeper practically yanks Marty into the house and directs him to the living room where Deacon Oldham sits with his arms crossed, pouting.
Marty:
Mr. Oldham! I apologize for dropping in unannounced like this.
Deacon:
Deacon:
Save it. I knew I’d be seeing your ugly mug.
Dana:
Dana:
Honestly, we figured you’d get here as fast as you could.
Marty:
Marty:
You did?
Deacon:
Deacon:
Obviously. Let’s get this over with already.
Dana:
Dana:
So I spoke on your behalf to Deacon.
Marty:
Marty:
WHAT?
Deacon:
Deacon:
I was against the idea at first. Completely! Dana made some good points though. Like it or not, you’re the one. Begrudgingly, I accept.
Marty gets choked up and hugs a startled Deacon. He begins to sob on the confused man’s shoulder.
Marty:
Marty gets choked up and hugs a startled Deacon. He begins to sob on the confused man’s shoulder.
Marty:
Thank you so much, sir. You won’t regret this. I give you my word.
Deacon:
Deacon:
Get off me!
Marty plops down on the couch and puts his arm around Deacon’s shoulder, still sniffling.
Marty:
Marty plops down on the couch and puts his arm around Deacon’s shoulder, still sniffling.
Marty:
Wow, that was so much easier than I imagined. You should have seen how nervous I was outside. I just feel like this weight has been lifted.
Deacon:
Deacon:
Right…
Dana runs over with a handful of documents.
Dana:
Dana runs over with a handful of documents.
Dana:
Here you go, amigo! These ones are for the hummers. This is for the suite at the Bellagio. Here is Wade Keller’s medical expenses.
Marty:
Marty:
What am I looking at?
Deacon:
Deacon:
The bills from our trip to Vegas.
Marty:
Marty:
Las Vegas?
Dana:
Dana:
You know, for the End of Days tournament.
Marty:
Marty:
Wait, are you guys a tag team now?
Deacon:
Deacon:
No, I manage Dana. We made it to the second round. Do you not watch wrestling?
Marty looks horrified.
Marty:
Marty looks horrified.
Marty:
You mean like in my free time!?!?
Dana:
Dana:
How do we even begin to explain? DTF had a million dollar ladder match that just seemed so winnable. I guess we counted our grubs before they grew stingers. Anyway, I figured my best friend Marty would be racing over here to give us the four hundred thousand dollars.
Marty:
Marty:
FOUR HUNDRED GRAND!?!
Marty looks like he’s about to explode in anger. He suddenly remembers why he flew here and has to bury his emotions behind a wide, pained smile.
Marty:
Marty looks like he’s about to explode in anger. He suddenly remembers why he flew here and has to bury his emotions behind a wide, pained smile.
Marty:
Don’t worry. There are things more important than money…
Dana:
Dana:
Sorry for the unexpected request.
Deacon:
Deacon:
Don’t fall for this garbage. Marty is playing dumb to rub it in my face. Why else would he just show up here unannounced?
Marty doesn’t say anything and grows visibly nervous again. Deacon leaps off the sofa.
Deacon:
Marty doesn’t say anything and grows visibly nervous again. Deacon leaps off the sofa.
Deacon:
Why are you here, Martin?
Marty:
Marty:
Listen, I said I’m going to pay every cent. Let’s all just relax and have a smoke.
Deacon:
Deacon:
You also said you were nervous earlier. Answer me, damn it!
Marty just looks at him like a deer in headlights. The longer he doesn’t respond, the more terrified Deacon looks too. Dana watches in confusion as Marty slowly reaches into his jacket.
Deacon:
Marty just looks at him like a deer in headlights. The longer he doesn’t respond, the more terrified Deacon looks too. Dana watches in confusion as Marty slowly reaches into his jacket.
Deacon:
You better be going for a gun.
Trembling, Marty pulls out a prepared speech. Deacon tenses up at the sight of it.
Marty:
Trembling, Marty pulls out a prepared speech. Deacon tenses up at the sight of it.
Marty:
Mr. Oldham, thank you for your service in Kuwait and Bosnia. You’ve shown bravery, strength, and leadership that most of us can only dream of.
Deacon:
Deacon:
You’re welcome. Short and to the point. Let me walk you out.
Deacon desperately gestures to the door. Marty just sits there in agony for a moment.
Marty:
Deacon desperately gestures to the door. Marty just sits there in agony for a moment.
Marty:
Given this, it is no surprise you raised such a remarkable daughter.
Deacon lets out a scream at the horror unfolding in front of him. He leaps on top of Marty and knocks over the couch, trying to wrestle the speech away. Donovan hurries to get it all spoken, confusing a heartfelt request with the incantation to banish a mummy.
Marty:
Deacon lets out a scream at the horror unfolding in front of him. He leaps on top of Marty and knocks over the couch, trying to wrestle the speech away. Donovan hurries to get it all spoken, confusing a heartfelt request with the incantation to banish a mummy.
Marty:
Olivia has filled my life with joy, laughter, and dole whip. Your daughter means the world to me and I want to spend the rest of my days proving that. I humbly ask for your blessing to marry her. I promise to cherish, support, and protect Olivia, just as you've always done.
Deacon:
Deacon:
Dana! The cabinet! Third drawer on the left!
Dana opens the drawer to find it filled with machetes; he screams and slams it shut. Instead the beekeeper runs over and pulls Deacon off of Marty, who is currently allowing himself to be pummeled with punches.
Dana:
Dana opens the drawer to find it filled with machetes; he screams and slams it shut. Instead the beekeeper runs over and pulls Deacon off of Marty, who is currently allowing himself to be pummeled with punches.
Dana:
Stop it! I have 80,000 proboscis to feed!
Deacon:
Deacon:
You egg sucking dog! What a coincidence you waited until I was in debt to ask.
Marty:
Marty:
Mr.Oldham, I swear on the Matterhorn blueprints that I did not know.
Deacon:
Deacon:
As if your word has meant anything ever. I’ve given you so many unwarranted chances. Hell, I even gave you my damn watch. How did you repay me? You intentionally lost our tag titles. You got a kick out of seeing old Deacon tap out to a foreigner in NYC.
Marty:
Marty:
That isn’t what happened. I tried to break up the hold, but just didn't get there in time.
Deacon:
Deacon:
Sure, and I tried to see past all your countless flaws because my daughter was enamored. Forget it. You want my blessing? The answer is no.
Marty looks crushed.
Marty:
Marty looks crushed.
Marty:
What can I do to change your mind?
Deacon:
Deacon:
Nothing.
There is a long, awkward silence. Tinto walks in carrying a mounted deer head.
Tinto:
There is a long, awkward silence. Tinto walks in carrying a mounted deer head.
Tinto:
Where is the button to make this guy sing Little Richard?
Dana:
Dana:
Tinto hid in the back of one of the hummers to avoid a math test. If you could take him home to Florida you’d be doing us a huge favor.
Tinto:
Tinto:
Also, when it fell off the wall it accidentally ordered a few pizzas.
Marty doesn’t respond. He takes off the SEAL watch and places it on the table. He walks out of the house, devastated.
Deacon:
Marty doesn’t respond. He takes off the SEAL watch and places it on the table. He walks out of the house, devastated.
Deacon:
Fucking moron. He forgot his orphan.
Dana, tapping into an unknown reserve of strength, slams Deacon against the wall.
Dana:
Dana, tapping into an unknown reserve of strength, slams Deacon against the wall.
Dana:
You blistering idiot! He was going to pay our bills!
Deacon:
Deacon:
Listen, I’m not auctioning off my daughter to some slimeball. We’re going to wipe away this debt the way any responsible American would, through gambling! I don’t know who you will face on Diamond Mine V, but the bookies are going to have you as a huge underdog. We’ll place some bets, win the match, and never have to see Metrosexual Marty again.
Dana:
Dana:
You make it sound so easy…
Tinto opens a window and yells at a speck in the distance.
Tinto:
Tinto opens a window and yells at a speck in the distance.
Tinto:
Marty! Are you going to get the pies? The mounted moose said you should ask for extra ranch!
The shot fades out on a nervous Dana.