Prime Directive Something Something (JHW)
Oct 20, 2023 19:37:57 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz, mosler, and 1 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Oct 20, 2023 19:37:57 GMT -5
*The winds whip across the vast planes of Dinosaur Bones’ stomach. Dressed in her Starfleet best, Parmount+’s The Star Trekker lays on the edge of a cliff with digital binoculars as she surveys the group colloquially referred to as the Murder Hobo Express. Well…trying to.*
Trekker: Where is everyone? Wait, is that them?
*She tries to focus the new-age binoculars but alas, none of her quarry are around.*
Trekker: How am I supposed to reconnaissance my opponents if I can’t find them?
*Unlike the rest of the challengers in the Junior Heavyweight Championship match, Trekker lives both within and without of the beast. Although it is unclear how she does it, it is clear that this gives her a distinct advantage.*
Trekker: C’mmoooooooon.
*…Or it would if she could see any of her emaciated rivals. Unfortunately it seems that the group split up into different parts in order to follow some nonsense search for a probably unreal animal in the vain hope that it will gain their freedom. Either that or they just wanted to cut promos away from each other.
Trekker: I’m never gonna get a leg up if I- wait, what’s that?
*She makes some more adjustments to her binoculars.*
Trekker: No….could it be? Starfleet in the stomach!?
*The Star Trekker confirms what she thinks she saw and then gets to her feet. She has to go see this in person. Soon she is sliding down the dusty hills and barren rocky ways to meet up with presumably some fellow cosplaying yahoo. Kicking up dust behind her we can see her descending on two men dressed in blue jumpsuits.*
Man 1: Hey, stay away!
Man 2: We’re warning you.
*They draw out two blocks of wood and aim them at our heroine. She comes closer.*
Trekker: MALCOM! TRIP! That….wow did you guys actually use just blocks of wood on set?
(Pictured: Dominic Keeting as Malcolm Reed and Conner Trineer as Trip Tucker)
Dominic Keating: What? No. No we had very expensive models that were built- well until this guy here started breaking them.
Connor Trinneer: ONE, I broke ONE.
Keating: Yes, of two. After that they gave us toy ones.
Trekker: Yeah, a block of wood seems more like something TNG would do. Anyway, you’re alive!
*She hugs the two Enterprise stars.*
Trekker: But…uh…how did you two get starfleet jumpsuits in here?
Keating: We had to……do things.
Trinneer: ....uh yeah, like sigh autographs. Wait, you didn't-
Keating: I did.
Trinneer: With…that?
Keating: Look did you think we were going to get new clothes just from a handshake- tentacle shake and an autograph?
*Connor Trinneer throws up a little in his mouth.*
Trinneer: Oh. Well I just had to sign autographs.
*Our protagonist looks at the two unfortunate actors, her views on them slightly changed.*
Trinneer: So the rumor is that you have been getting in and out at will all the time.
Trekker: Uh yeah, isn't everyone? I just pop in here because this is where the action is.
Keating: WELL BLOODY WELL TELL US HOW YOU'RE DOING IT!
Trekker: The....same....way....you...got here?
Keating: We were eaten by this monster while trying to rescue you!
Trekker: Oh....then not the same way. Yeah no, I am just here to get ready for my match.
Trinneer: We’re here trying to survive and you’re talking about a match?
Trekker: It’s really important! The XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion is coming to Dinosaur Bones. I faced off against him back when he was champ before. Officially the match says that he’s fighting Dinosaur Bones, but I don’t think that DB actually qualifies.
Keating: So you’re going to get us out?
Trekker: So I’m trying to scout out the other lightweights within Dinosaur Bones in case he eats El Rey. Unfortunately I think that due to the lack of food and generally harsh conditions that everyone is a lightweight now. Well, except the panda. But look at you two, this wasteland has done you well! You’re practically back to your on-camera selves!
Keating: Did you say panda?
Trekker: Yes. There’s a panda in here, a big one. A MEAN one. Don’t get eaten by him…her…it. I don’t think there’s a magical world inside its tummy.
Trinneer: So to be clear, you didn’t come to rescue us?
Trekker: No, I am trying to figure out if I can pin anyone here faster than El Rey to become the Junior Heavyweight Champion.
Trinneer: But now that you are here you are going to rescue us, right?
*She blinks.*
Trekker: Uh…so anyway you haven’t missed much on the outside, the strike is still going.
Keating: Small victories I suppose
Trinneer: What? We're trapped down here and will likely die.
Keating: Yes but at least Hollywood isn't being allowed to bully around actors and writers.
Trekker: Oh, no, the writers are done. Actors are still on strike.
Keating: Those pencil pushing little wankers…
Trekker: So you guys haven’t seen any of the other people here have you?
Trinneer: We haven’t seen anyone for days. But there are so many dangers out in the open like this, that’s why we made the fake phasers.
Keating: That was MY idea- I was the armory chief, after all.
Trekker: Yeah, sure. So uh, have you heard anything about El Rey, a Silver Snipe, or any of the other people?
Keating: No what are you talking about?
Trekker: Oh uh….um….nothing. Nothing at all.
Trinneer: We’re going to die in here.
Trekker: Yeah, that would suck I guess. I’ll tell you what, I have to go to the little girls room, but when I get back we can all get out of here.
Keating: Thank the stars!
Trekker: Sure. Anyway you guys wait here and I’m gonna go behind that rock and totally um…
Trinneer: Save us?
Trekker: Yes! That one. Totally.
*The uniform-bedecked cosplayer/corporate shill skips off to behind a boulder. The men wait. The men wait more. Time passes.*
Keating: Bloody hell, she’s not coming back is she?
Trinneer: Nope.
Keating: [CENSORED] the prime directive.
Chief Wrestler’s Log, supplemental:
I’ve been having a lot of trouble preparing for this match. The landscape within Dinosaur Bones is vast and requires a full team of federation scientists, maybe even a ship or something- but I’m just one lone person with commitments outside- like promoting Star Trek, watching the new episodes of Lower Decks- which are streaming right now on Paramount+, and helping Lord Dominicus reshape WUK or whatever he’s doing.
Beyond that I hear that El Rey has been training with his predecessor and has developed a father/son relationship with him- or top/bottom- I’ve been too busy scouting here to actually check. Though I swear the dinosaur hunter in a wheelchair and his wife look similar to the current JH Champ. I wonder if they’re both cruiserweights as well.
Training for this match has been really hard. Every time I am outside I’m accosted by my dracolich partner who asks if he’s eaten me and if so why I’m outside. Whenever I am inside of him I end up being swarmed by people looking for salvation or attacked by people looking for some bauble I picked up. Unfortunately due to Federation rules I’m unable to directly provide any aid in their plight. Also they all smell really bad- like are there no showers here?
Beating El Rey will be a huge feather in my cap and will also do wonders in wiping that stupid smirk off of his stupid face. OMG I hate him so much. With his bony figure, his stupidly cute giant smile, his deep dark eyes…WHAT A JERK AM I RIGHT? Stupid El Rey and his stupid Junior Heavyweight Championship.
Bu against all these people though…what would Janeway do?
….I should probably wear a tank top.
For the glory of Starfleet and maybe also the Klingon Empire, I will defeat my adorable foe and also the other people who were eaten by Dinosaur Bones and become the Junior Heavyweight Champion of the XHF Network! Maybe then people will take me seriously.
Oh, I gotta go! There’s a new episode of Lower Decks streaming on Paramount+! I should go check that out, and so should you!
Trekker: Where is everyone? Wait, is that them?
*She tries to focus the new-age binoculars but alas, none of her quarry are around.*
Trekker: How am I supposed to reconnaissance my opponents if I can’t find them?
*Unlike the rest of the challengers in the Junior Heavyweight Championship match, Trekker lives both within and without of the beast. Although it is unclear how she does it, it is clear that this gives her a distinct advantage.*
Trekker: C’mmoooooooon.
*…Or it would if she could see any of her emaciated rivals. Unfortunately it seems that the group split up into different parts in order to follow some nonsense search for a probably unreal animal in the vain hope that it will gain their freedom. Either that or they just wanted to cut promos away from each other.
Trekker: I’m never gonna get a leg up if I- wait, what’s that?
*She makes some more adjustments to her binoculars.*
Trekker: No….could it be? Starfleet in the stomach!?
*The Star Trekker confirms what she thinks she saw and then gets to her feet. She has to go see this in person. Soon she is sliding down the dusty hills and barren rocky ways to meet up with presumably some fellow cosplaying yahoo. Kicking up dust behind her we can see her descending on two men dressed in blue jumpsuits.*
Man 1: Hey, stay away!
Man 2: We’re warning you.
*They draw out two blocks of wood and aim them at our heroine. She comes closer.*
Trekker: MALCOM! TRIP! That….wow did you guys actually use just blocks of wood on set?
(Pictured: Dominic Keeting as Malcolm Reed and Conner Trineer as Trip Tucker)
Dominic Keating: What? No. No we had very expensive models that were built- well until this guy here started breaking them.
Connor Trinneer: ONE, I broke ONE.
Keating: Yes, of two. After that they gave us toy ones.
Trekker: Yeah, a block of wood seems more like something TNG would do. Anyway, you’re alive!
*She hugs the two Enterprise stars.*
Trekker: But…uh…how did you two get starfleet jumpsuits in here?
Keating: We had to……do things.
Trinneer: ....uh yeah, like sigh autographs. Wait, you didn't-
Keating: I did.
Trinneer: With…that?
Keating: Look did you think we were going to get new clothes just from a handshake- tentacle shake and an autograph?
*Connor Trinneer throws up a little in his mouth.*
Trinneer: Oh. Well I just had to sign autographs.
*Our protagonist looks at the two unfortunate actors, her views on them slightly changed.*
Trinneer: So the rumor is that you have been getting in and out at will all the time.
Trekker: Uh yeah, isn't everyone? I just pop in here because this is where the action is.
Keating: WELL BLOODY WELL TELL US HOW YOU'RE DOING IT!
Trekker: The....same....way....you...got here?
Keating: We were eaten by this monster while trying to rescue you!
Trekker: Oh....then not the same way. Yeah no, I am just here to get ready for my match.
Trinneer: We’re here trying to survive and you’re talking about a match?
Trekker: It’s really important! The XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion is coming to Dinosaur Bones. I faced off against him back when he was champ before. Officially the match says that he’s fighting Dinosaur Bones, but I don’t think that DB actually qualifies.
Keating: So you’re going to get us out?
Trekker: So I’m trying to scout out the other lightweights within Dinosaur Bones in case he eats El Rey. Unfortunately I think that due to the lack of food and generally harsh conditions that everyone is a lightweight now. Well, except the panda. But look at you two, this wasteland has done you well! You’re practically back to your on-camera selves!
Keating: Did you say panda?
Trekker: Yes. There’s a panda in here, a big one. A MEAN one. Don’t get eaten by him…her…it. I don’t think there’s a magical world inside its tummy.
Trinneer: So to be clear, you didn’t come to rescue us?
Trekker: No, I am trying to figure out if I can pin anyone here faster than El Rey to become the Junior Heavyweight Champion.
Trinneer: But now that you are here you are going to rescue us, right?
*She blinks.*
Trekker: Uh…so anyway you haven’t missed much on the outside, the strike is still going.
Keating: Small victories I suppose
Trinneer: What? We're trapped down here and will likely die.
Keating: Yes but at least Hollywood isn't being allowed to bully around actors and writers.
Trekker: Oh, no, the writers are done. Actors are still on strike.
Keating: Those pencil pushing little wankers…
Trekker: So you guys haven’t seen any of the other people here have you?
Trinneer: We haven’t seen anyone for days. But there are so many dangers out in the open like this, that’s why we made the fake phasers.
Keating: That was MY idea- I was the armory chief, after all.
Trekker: Yeah, sure. So uh, have you heard anything about El Rey, a Silver Snipe, or any of the other people?
Keating: No what are you talking about?
Trekker: Oh uh….um….nothing. Nothing at all.
Trinneer: We’re going to die in here.
Trekker: Yeah, that would suck I guess. I’ll tell you what, I have to go to the little girls room, but when I get back we can all get out of here.
Keating: Thank the stars!
Trekker: Sure. Anyway you guys wait here and I’m gonna go behind that rock and totally um…
Trinneer: Save us?
Trekker: Yes! That one. Totally.
*The uniform-bedecked cosplayer/corporate shill skips off to behind a boulder. The men wait. The men wait more. Time passes.*
Keating: Bloody hell, she’s not coming back is she?
Trinneer: Nope.
Keating: [CENSORED] the prime directive.
Chief Wrestler’s Log, supplemental:
I’ve been having a lot of trouble preparing for this match. The landscape within Dinosaur Bones is vast and requires a full team of federation scientists, maybe even a ship or something- but I’m just one lone person with commitments outside- like promoting Star Trek, watching the new episodes of Lower Decks- which are streaming right now on Paramount+, and helping Lord Dominicus reshape WUK or whatever he’s doing.
Beyond that I hear that El Rey has been training with his predecessor and has developed a father/son relationship with him- or top/bottom- I’ve been too busy scouting here to actually check. Though I swear the dinosaur hunter in a wheelchair and his wife look similar to the current JH Champ. I wonder if they’re both cruiserweights as well.
Training for this match has been really hard. Every time I am outside I’m accosted by my dracolich partner who asks if he’s eaten me and if so why I’m outside. Whenever I am inside of him I end up being swarmed by people looking for salvation or attacked by people looking for some bauble I picked up. Unfortunately due to Federation rules I’m unable to directly provide any aid in their plight. Also they all smell really bad- like are there no showers here?
Beating El Rey will be a huge feather in my cap and will also do wonders in wiping that stupid smirk off of his stupid face. OMG I hate him so much. With his bony figure, his stupidly cute giant smile, his deep dark eyes…WHAT A JERK AM I RIGHT? Stupid El Rey and his stupid Junior Heavyweight Championship.
Bu against all these people though…what would Janeway do?
….I should probably wear a tank top.
For the glory of Starfleet and maybe also the Klingon Empire, I will defeat my adorable foe and also the other people who were eaten by Dinosaur Bones and become the Junior Heavyweight Champion of the XHF Network! Maybe then people will take me seriously.
Oh, I gotta go! There’s a new episode of Lower Decks streaming on Paramount+! I should go check that out, and so should you!
