Ashes to Ashes [XHF Phoenix Championship EOD Thread]

[terras]

Disneyland.

The happiest place on earth.

Splash Mountain.

The ride comes to a close, and the massive frame of the Buckeye Bruiser climbs off. Redmond appears to be accompanying a pre-teen without hair around the park. Giving the child a hug, Fury poses for a picture, before wishing the girl and her family a fun time. Clearly a make a wish date. As the family leaves, Fury approaches the camera.

Redmond Fury: Hello XHF. Some of my fans have taken to calling me "Mister Guns." It's flattering, if entirely too kind. After the AWF folded, GUNS was very good to me, so I do my part to take care of it. If you're a member of the GUNS ROSTER, then I consider you family... and there is nothing I wouldn't do for my family. So when Rival Recruiter Ozawa asked for a Phoenix championship shot, I was happy to oblige. ....There is only one problem...

Face suddenly getting very serious, Fury bursts into action, almost knocking over the camera as he charges towards Nemo's Submarine.

Goofy: Shucks, it can't be that bad-

Zamboni Bandit: I don't want to live!

A number of mascots try to talk Zamboni Bandit out of commiting suicide. Having failed to procure the submarine for a treasure hunt, Bandit is at his ropes end. Literally, Bandit's hanging from a lamp post from a noose.

Zamboni Bandit: Ack-

Jumping off the bow of the ship, Zamboni hangs himself. Fortunately the neck doesn't snap, so he's left to strangle. Before Bandit can give up the ghost, Fury charges into the lamp post - knocking it over. Pulling the rope away from ZB's neck, Fury cradles his fellow GUNS star.

Redmond Fury: Phil, I know things look bleak - but this isn't the answer.

Zamboni Bandit (coughing): I'll... just... do... it... again.

Redmond Fury: What could be so bad that you take such drastic action?

Zamboni Bandit: ...you... don't understand... I killed her.

The Buckeye Bruiser tenses up.

Redmond Fury: ....who...?

Zamboni Bandit: Bertha.

Redmond breathes a sigh of relief, the damn machine.

Zamboni Bandit: I thought I could ride her out to the Seven Sea Skirmish... but she was too heavy. Nothing left to do but join her in heaven.

How many deaths or incidents of self-harm have Marty and Tinto's Birthday been responsible for? Nodding grimly, Fury rises, collecting the rope from the wouldbe suicide attempt.

Zamboni Bandit: You can take my rope, but you'll never take my laces- nuts.

The Bandit has lost his boots.

Redmond Fury: Wait here...

With that, Redmond turns his back on the suicidal Bandit, and marches out into the Disney lagoon... until he completely submerges.

Zamboni Bandit: Now why didn't I think of that...

Bandit starts to crawl towards the water for a second attempt at reuniting with his cool ride. Before the Zamboni enthusiast can break the surf, a large object starts to make waves towards him like Godzilla in the 1998 fishing scene. Water explodes, as Redmond Fury drags Bertha to the surface.  The rope has been tied around the large vehicle, with Red pulling it to the surface with his teeth. The Zamboni is dripping wet, and may not work, but Bandit is near tears reunited with his loved one.

Zamboni Bandit: I'm so sorry girl... (turning to Fury) you... you're like Touched by an Angel!

Redmond Fury: GUNS stick together. So the next time you're in trouble remember Phil, ask for help.

The Buckey Bruiser turns back to the camera.

Redmond Fury: Ozawa. I can deny GUNS nothing. So you want a Phoenix shot at End of Days, that's fine. ...but then, you aren't really GUNS are you? Everyone knows you're a J-RoK spy. I have been standing back, assuming Magnus would deal with you, but watch as our roster shrinked Season 4 - while J-RoK's talent pool overflowed. Nothing against J-RoK, but it will be a cold day in hell when I let a rival company steal GUNS top strap. So come the Pay Per View, Ozawa, you may want to set up a sweet contract for yourself with J-RoK, because when it comes to GUNS - I'm sending you packing!

With that the Buckeye Bruiser turns to leave...

Redmond Fury: There are children present - get a room!

Zamboni Bandit: Sorry Red, Bertha here couldn't keep her hands off me.

Shaking his head, Fury returns to the Magic Kingdom.

[mosler]

Rival Recruiter Ozawa stands next to Kira Izumi, in front of a banner advertising J-RoK's Anniversary show.

KIra Izumi: Though not currently J-RoK management, please believe me when I say that the GUNS Ace, Rival Recruiter Ozawa-san, is not now - nor has he ever been, an employee of J-RoK.

Rival Recruiter Ozawa (pointing at Kira while overreacting): "WHO are you? I don't know who this man is."

Ozawa scratches his head to seem genuine in his confusion. Kira and Double R nod at one another like they pulled a fast one on the stupid XHF fans.

[terras]

The Buckeye Bruiser is... walking.

Redmond Fury: Ozawa, you're only lying to yourself-

The wall of muscle picks up the pace, as he notices two familiar faces arguing outside am Applebee's.

"YELP's Own" Barry Cho: One star!

East L.A. Wombat: The peach cobbler was a bit dry, but that's a little harsh, don't you think hombre?

"YELP'S Own" Barry Cho: Not them, you!

Fighting review words! The two men start to brawl, unloading on one another - until they are pulled away treetrunk like arms. The duo continue to kick at the air, but it is no good, as they are separated like toddlers by GUNS Sheppard.

Redmond Fury: Whoa! WHOA! Calm down guys - what seems to be the problem!

East L.A. Wombat: He gave me a negative review!

"YELP's Own" Barry Cho: He is trying to make people call him Wombat, now that 'Bat's dead.

Redmond Fury: Really? Not cool, Hector.

East L.A. Wombat: 'Bat was like a brother to me, but why should I have to keep using a geographic identifier if I'm the only Wombat left? IT'S LOCO.

Redmond Fury: I never thought you added East L.A. to your moniker because you were worried people would mix you up with Wombat. I always thought it was because of your proud Chicano heritage.

East L.A. Wombat: ...really?

"YELP's Own" Barry Cho: Of course. One star comprehension skills.

Redmond Fury: GUNS Nation always looks forwards to your matches, Hector. I guarentee they aren't thinking "Oh, I wish this was the other Wombat." ...God rest his soul.

East L.A. Wombat: I've been such a tonto.

Redmond Fury: And Barry... we've already talked about reviewing people like they were businesses.

"YELP's Own" Barry Cho: ....sorry, Hector.

East L.A. Wombat: That's alright amigo, I deserved it.

"YELP's Own" Barry Cho: Let's go have a drink to the memory of the real Wombat.

East L.A. Wombat: Sounds good to m- hey!

Fury drags the squabbling GUNS heroes towards the restaurant. Before he walks through the front door, Mr. GUNS looks back to the camera.

Redmond Fury: Ozawa. You aren't fooling anyone. For whatever reason, Magnus doesn't fire you for poaching talent, so you might as well be true to yourself, and Own being a J-RoK snake. Come End of Days, you're going to pay for it anyway...

His friends getting louder in their argument, Fury carries the two into the Applebee's, where such behaviour is perfectly normal.

[mosler]

Monster Island.

Primal and Rival Recruiter Ozawa stand on the shores of Monster Island, smoking lucky strikes like they just saved Tokyo from Ghiderah... All. Night. Long. Camera on them, the two straighten up.

Primal: When Northern Pro Wrestling shut its doors, the Hairman of the Board could have gone to GUNS, REIGN, Fireside, the possibilities were endless. But I ended up rinsing and repeating in J-RoK. I know the rumor is that Ozawa here, headhunted me by sweetening the pot with sixteen crates of a hair conditioner so dangerous to the ozone layer that its been illegal to open a bottle since the 80s. So let me set the record straight! I have never met this man.

Hoping to emphasize this fact, Ozawa leans into a close-up.

Rival Recruiter Ozawa: "Nice to meet you."

The obvious J-RoK scout uses his broken English to put an exclamation point on the fact he doesn't know who Primal is, like the duo didn't just run a train on a three headed monster.  The camera begins to pan over to Jet Jaguar, and fade out...

"Like I even USE conditioner..."

[terras]

Cleaning refuse around a public park in Atlanta, the Buckeye Bruiser looks up at the camera to address some other trash.

Redmond Fury: You're only lying to yourself, Ozawa... and no good can come from it-

Fury notices Mr. Blobby trying to hit a ball with a tennis racket, and failing miserable.

Redmond Fury: You alright there, Mr. Blobby?

MR BLOBBY: Blobby!

Redmond Fury: Really? I had no idea.

MR BLOBBY: Blobby.

Redmond Fury: Yes, I can see why that would be an issue with your peripheral vision.

MR BLOBBY: BLOBBY.

Redmond Fury: I got you, buddy. (Turning back to the camera) Apparently there are times where you can fake it till you make it... but I don't think that applies to you, Ozawa. You don't seem to have an end game beyond me smearing you across the canvas. ....so embrace the truth while you can still use your arms! ...Now if you'll excuse me, I have to teach Mr. Blobby how to play tennis.

MR BLOBBY: Blobb...y.

Redmond Fury: Agreed, Noel can't find out about this.

The GUNS BFFs head towards the tennis court.

[mosler]

Mexico City.

The globe trotting agent - who can bend any will to the opposition like some soul devouring devil - Rival Recruiter Ozawa, watches a lucha libre contest. Is Double R here to discover the next great XHF talent who will no doubt take J-RoK by storm, like all foreign workers do? El Combatiente hits a tope con Hilo into the audience, taking out Tourista Abysmo - and quite a few chairs. Upon seeing Ozawa, EC gives Tourista some breathing room, happily greeting this audience member like a brother. Clearly another testimonial video to let folks know that Ozawa is a serious GUNS competitor, and not a dubious J-RoK scab.

Rival Recruiter Ozawa (to camera in Japanese, subtitled): "Masks can hide many things, but my intentions are as pure as my heart. If you don't believe the earnestness of my being a GUNS superstar, I believe that this figure can clear up any confusion."

El Combatiante (sadly not subtitled): Ozawa, mi querido amigo, ¿qué te trae esta noche? Este hombre ayudó a Javier a negociar un contrato con J-RoK que significa que no tendré que preocuparme por el futuro de mi familia. Un santo absoluto. Honestamente puedo decir que si resulta que mi amigo aquí presente fue el que provocó el incendio del Tokyo Dome, él es la única persona a la que podría perdonar por ello. Si Ozawa-sensei alguna vez te ofrece un contrato, acéptalo inmediatamente, ¡porque él es el verdadero negocio!

Rival Recruiter Ozawa (now using English): Would a man who cannot show his face lie?

Before this love-in can continue, Tourista goes back on the offence.

Rival Recruiter Ozawa: Thank. You. Stranger!

[terras]

The docks.

Hundreds of unemployed wrestlers loiter against a wall, on the off chance a promoter drives by looking to staff an odd event.  A white pick-up truck makes its way down the street, only to be overwhelmed by a few dozen hungry wrestlers swarm it like a zombie movie.

Redmond Fury (looking out window): Sorry fellas, I'm here for specifics...

Muscular eyes, like he lifts barbells with his lids, search through the unwashed mass of ring workers.  Before an impossibly muscular arm stretched out-

Redmond Fury: You three.

The dejected mass return to their positions, more than a few looking murderous, as Shoe Shine Syko, DOUG from the Ring Crew, and "The Sweeper" Johnny Cobb climb into the back of the pick-up truck.  No sooner have the three hopped on that it speeds away from the depressing scene.  Window opening, Fury shouts back to his hires.

Redmond Fury: How you guys holding up?

"The Sweeper" Johnny Cobb: Thanks a bunch Red, you need anything, and I mean ANYTHING, Triple S will polish you right up.

Shoe Shine Syko: I'LL POLISH YOUR SKULL!

The former GUNS Arena shoe shine specialist leaps on the unpopular referee strangling him.  As the duo roll around in the back of the truck like this was WCW UNCENSORED '95, DOUG shuffles up to the window.

Doug from the Ring crew: So you need us to build a support beam, or act as a door?

Redmond Fury: I've found you guys a promotion - it's off Network...

"The Sweeper" Johnny Cobb (being choked): we.... aren't.... SC... scabs!

Redmond Fury: Not at all, GUNS 4 LIFE... but with the arena problems, it doesn't look like we'll be putting on a show until the new year.

The boys stop fighting, looking glum for their lost arena.  If only Magnus and Venom hadn't tried to hunt Zoran for sport...

Redmond Fury: So Triforce Fights is just a short term solution, to make sure you guys can feed your families, and stay in shape until GUNS returns.  It's not on the Network, so you wouldn't be promoting our direct competition.

"The Sweeper" Johnny Cobb: That's okay then.

DOUG from the Ring Crew: Triforce like Zelda?

Redmond Fury: No, the name comes from it touring the Golden Triangle...

With that the Buckeye Bruiser turns to the camera sitting in the passenger seat.

Redmond Fury: I hate sending my friends to Myanmar, but it's the best gig my skills could come up with.  Ozawa, you could easily have found them better work while GUNS is on hiatus.  You could have gotten them gigs with J-RoK... not stolen them, but made sure there was a lobby for Shoe Shine to work in the off-season... you didn't.  We all know you're a plant working for our Japanese rivals... but not helping the boys?  That's the real reason you're not GUNS, Ozawa.

Hard to argue.  With that an almost super humanly muscular foot steps on the gas.  Next stop a questionable shipping container!

[mosler]

Rival Recruiter Ozawa stands outside the Tower of London, where he is no doubt filming another testimonial about him not being a sleazy scout for J-RoK, but a proud GUNS superstar.  The British backdrop is to entice his latest guest, WUK heavyweight champion Eron Hunter.

Rival Recruiter Ozawa: "I am hard working wrestler for GUNS, but dont ask me, listen to Aaron."

Eron Hunter: I've met some pretty sleazy scouts since turning pro, but Ozawa takes the cake.  He doesn't even have the basic decency to pretend he has other motivations.  His only drive is to poach talent.  In the past five minutes, he's tried to get me to quit WUK and join J-RoK six times.  It is extremely off-putting.  If I ran a promotion, I wouldn't let this weasel anywhere near it.

Trying to maintain eye contact with the camera, so he can't check his Google translate to see the nature of Eron's endorsement, Ozawa nods.

Rival Recruiter Ozawa: "Thank you!"

Shaking his head in disgust, the WUK champion just walks away.

[terras]

A man with severe agoraphobia staggers down a busy street, decked out in nothing but heart patterned boxers, and clutching a paperbag around his face in an effort to cut out the terrifying outside world.

Redmond Fury: Ken?

Unable to see, Unboxed Ken runs face first into a lamp post.

Unboxed Ken: Red - you gotta help me!

Redmond Fury: What happened to your box- home?

Unboxed Ken: The kids!

The Wombat octuplets fly down the street, having converted Ken's house into a boxcar racer.  Older siblings try to catch up, but the younger children speed dangerously close to an oncoming bus...

Unboxed Ken: I can't watch...

"I'LL SAVE THEM!"

The XHF Shockmaster - who is wearing about a hundred pounds of gold being, races to stop the runaway kart - only to trip....

XHF Shockmaster: Whoops.

Fortunately Shockmaster stumbles into the bus, knocking it over.  The octuplets ground to a halt, cushioned by the broken vehicle.

Wombat Octuplets: Yay!  AGAIN!

Former best friends when they were inside a bear, Fury still hasn't forgiven Shockmaster for his role in the whole "shiv and leave for dead" incident.  Still, watching the kids jump around, even the Buckeye Bruiser has to begrudgingly nod.

Redmond Fury: Good thinking.

Crawling around the ground, Shockmaster picks up his bling... like a solid gold stormtrooper helmet.

XHF Shockmaster: Just happy to help, Red...

Unboxed Ken: Whoa, when did you become super rich?

XHF Shockmaster: That series of matches with Bones put my merch sales on par with Red.... still don't know how I managed to survive so many matches without that darn dracolich eating me.

Unboxed Ken: Perhaps he was worried you would fall out of him?

Redmond Fury (collecting children so they don't run into traffic): Ken - why are you on babysitter duty?

Unboxed Ken: Oh, when it turned out Mrs. Wombat was still alive, and the kids aren't orphans, Magnus said his sweatshop insurance wouldn't cover housing them, and tasked me with returning them home.

Redmond Fury: And why haven't you?

Unboxed Ken: If Mrs.Wombat was home, Wombat wouldn't have gotten eaten looking for her... I can find her...

Redmond Fury (putting a hand on his friend's shoulder): Don't worry pal, I'll help you find her.  (Turning to camera) Helping others for non-selfish reasons, you should try it some time Ozawa.

Unboxed Ken: You'd do that, Red?

Redmond Fury: We're GUNS aren't we?  And REAL GUNS stick together.  ...so come on, we have a family to reunite!

Lifting the twelve toddlers, and six older siblings up on one arm, Fury sets out on a perilous journey to find the children's deadbeat mother.  Unboxed Ken and XHF Shockmaster happily join-

XHF Shockmaster: Whoops.

Shockmaster falls forward, destroying Ken's box.

Unboxed Ken: ........first GUNS Arena, now this.....

Why couldn't Ozawa get the accident prone Shockmaster to join J-RoK instead?  The Rival Recruiter is such an asshole.

[mosler]

Nakajima Sports Center.

Sapporo, Japan.

A familiar figure stands in the centre of a wrestling ring.

Magnus: You know for a person who was never available to work holidays, Jesse Jamester sure has a lot to say about how I used his talents. Well I know how I'm going to use his talent! I'm going to curb stomp the Murder Lizard so badly that he's going to need another mask to cover up how grotesquely mishapen his first one is! If Jamester's little tour of violence ever goes through TOW, his own son won't recognize him, not because he is a deadbeat who never spent time with the boy, that too, but because of how hideously deformed the ass kicking I deliver will further make him! So when you witness him crushed under my heel like a REGULAR lizard, know that Jamester was asking for it, and delight in me, your NEW J-RoK New Wave Cham-

Wait, what is Magnus saying? Where is he? As if waking up from a trance, the GUNS founder looks down at the canvas to reveal the J-RoK logo. Eyes turning to daggers, Magnus looks down at the time keeper's table where Rival Recruiter Ozawa seems pleased with himself.

Magnus: Damn it Ozawa, you tricked me!

Ozawa does the Home Alone hands on cheeks Edvard Munch SCREAM pose, before responding shocked in his purposely broken English.

Rival Recruiter Ozawa: Oh. Me. Oh. My.

Magnus: This is the last time I fall for it-

Not interested in appearing in J-RoK, the GUNS promoter leaves. Shrugging, like he isn't a J-RoK employee, GUNS' Ozawa looks for a replacement wrestler.

[terras]

Hermès.

Mrs.Wombat searches the elegant boutique for some rather pricey purses.  Sadly the street urchins the window are bringing down her shopping buzz.  Wait... those street urchins look familiar...?  Realization hitting her, Mrs. Wombat starts to flee but not before the store entrance is blocked by a Wall of Muscle.

Redmond Fury: PEGGY YOU'RE ALIVE!

The Adonis lookalike gives his until recently deceased friend a warm hug.  Mrs. Wombat happily takes the embrace, as Fury makes most people weak in the knees.

Redmond Fury: We all thought the worst-

Mrs. Wombat: Thank you for your concern...

Redmond Fury: 'Bat was so upset that he actually fed himself to Bones trying to find you...

Mrs. Wombat: ...

Redmond Fury: Peg... I am so sorry for your loss.

Mrs. Wombat: .......Why?  We both know he's just hiding.

Redmond Fury: No, Peg, we all saw him get eaten, he's passed.

Mrs. Wombat: Don't tell me YOU of all people buy that?

Redmond Fury: ...I do.  Actually, we thought you had passed too, so Magnus has been looking after your family.  Me and Ken actually brought them out here to-

Mrs. Wombat: Oh no, if you're looking to offload my husband's responsibility - stick them with him.  We all know he's just lying low until I'm acting as his doormat-

Redmond Fury: NO, it's my turn to have an adventure.  You want to get involved- find my worthless husband.

Before Fury can make Mrs. Wombat see reason, she maces him and escapes.  By the time his vision comes back, a concerned Unboxed Ken is splashing water in the Phoenix champion's face.

Unboxed Ken: You alright, Red?

Redmond Fury: She's gone delusional with grief... Peggy is convinced her husband is still alive, and won't take the kids back, to a pathological degree, because that would confirm the worst.  To her, Bat is still alive until she reunites with the family.  Meaning...

Unboxed Ken: We need to find someone with a legendary silver tongue to convince her to reunite with the children.

But who foots that bill?

Redmond Fury (eyes narrow in horrified realization): .......god damn it.

[mosler]

Lips parting, Ozawa smiles like a Cheshire Cat.

Rival Recruiter Ozawa: ...look whose come crawling back.

The tables turn.

*Thanks to Steven, Kira, Bailey, Eron, Dave, Terras & the GUNS crew.