CAR Presents: The Athletic Cup & End of Days 2023 Week 4
Oct 23, 2023 20:37:31 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Jimbo, and 1 more like this
Post by Dave D-Flipz on Oct 23, 2023 20:37:31 GMT -5
CAR, in association with The XHF Network, Proudly Presents: THE ATHLETIC CUP RACE AND END OF DAYS 2023 WEEK 4 ... THE MUSICAL!!!!!
Date: October 22, 2023
XHF Sailbarge, Off the Coast of San Pedro, California
Attendance: 3000
The End of Days Finals are once again hosted by C.A.R. and the ENTIRE CAR Planning Committee is very excited to trade last year's "fire" theme for the much more safe and wholesome theme of "water" as we pay homage both to End of Days Shipwrecked from 2018 and End of Days Forces of Nature: Water from last year. Like Shipwrecked we are on the Sailbarge but this time off the coast of California. And like Forces of Nature the show is water themed. Stay tuned after the finals for the epic speedboat race for the glorious gold jock strap, the Athletic Cup! BY ORDER OF THE ENTIRE CAR PLANNING COMMITTEE ... THIS SHOW IS NOW A MUSICAL!!!
Theme Song: "Rain When I Die" by Alice in Chains
*The scene opens up over the pristine water of the Pacific Ocean off the coast of San Pedro, California. We zoom over the silent sands of Cabrillo Beach, and out over the water. "Rain When I Die" by Alice In Chains blares over the speakers of the XHF Sailbarge and carries the sound over the still ocean. We are treated to a montage of clips from throughout the two tournaments so far. We see Diamond pinning DT, DT rolling up Lavoie ... then DT spiking Donzig on his head. Cut to Donzig and Dana Daniels both staring each other down as Donzig finishes his pin. Cut to Jason Long and Jesse Jamester destroying each other. Cut to EVK spiking several folks with upholstery needles. Finally a split screen showing Long putting away Jesse for a ten count as Jack Diamond gets blasted by a brass knuckle assisted punch and dropped into the Death Trap. Finally we fade back in on the ocean as the camera zooms out to show a few small craft moving around in the water. Off to the ocean side of the barge, off the bow ... we see two small pirate ships covered in pool noodles and super soakers. The first ship is attached to the barge via a rampway for the stars to march over there from the main barge. There are boarding ropes and a boarding plank on the first boat to get to the second. We zoom onto the main sailbarge where 2998 screaming fans, CARnies and Beahr Buddies, mingled with XHF Faithful, are all cheering like crazy as the song closes and we zoom into Joey Hawke sitting alone at a commentary desk near the ring for this event.*
Hawke: GREETINGS XHF FAITHFUL AND CARNIES ALIKE! Welcome to Week 4 of the End of Days Premium Live Event Cycle! We have the finals of both tournaments to decide who gets the title shots at End of Days next Sunday, AS WELL as an exciting CAR sponsored race called the Athletic Cup. I am seeing that the prize is ... is that right? ... a golden ... jock strap? Well that sounds like something only a mad scientist or Lord Dominicus could love. I was told I would have help here as there are two seats, one on either side of me, but they are conspicuously empty. I also have no clue where Mary had Randy go for the show because he claims he's in position but ... well ... there is a considerate lack of drunk person next to me.
*He points next to him where there is indeed no Randy, and no sign of alcohol at the commentary desk whatsoever.*
Hawke: But while the production crew figures that out, let's quickly run down how we got to where we are for our first finals match tonight! Week one we saw Sainovic and Son out brutalize the Bull and Bird team of the Van Zant boys. Meanwhile The Anointed pulled some sneaky shenanigans to steal the match from SKY Force before they ever got out of the entryway! Week two saw the unusual squad of Tooth and Claw overcome SCCW fan fav's Motor City Mafia. Then we also saw The End overcame the Sanctuary in a hard fought competitive match. In the semi finals we finally saw Sainovic and Son overcome the Anointed and The End squeaked out a tough victory against Tooth and Claw. Tonight we see if the team of former X*Crown champs can overcome seasoned tag team, and HardKore World Tag Champs - The End!
Meanwhile off the side of the ship, Marty Donovan is putting his unique acting skills into promoting a new Finding Nemo seafood restaurant. Sporting a large 100% cotton clownfish costume, Marty's Nemo is more interested in finding affordable lobster for the whole family. Due to memory issues, Ollie's Dory keeps making him repeat the name of the eatery.
"DON'T WORRY MARTY, I'LL SAVE YOU!"
It should be noted that the area he is performing in, only has water up to Marty's knees. A life purservor ring is thrown at Nemo, hitting Marty in the head before roping around his throat. Nemo struggles to breath as the ring acts as a noose... fortunately dragging Marty up to the deck of a ship before he can suffocate to death.
Marty Donovan (gasping): What the hell are you doing?
Florida Man: Saving your life.
Marty continues to hold his throat, hoping to catch his breath.
Florida Man (pointing at the dying gish): Now that's method acting for you, Gaz.
Gazoo: What a pro.
Marty Donovan (slowly rising): I was next to the dock, I wasn't drowning.
Florida Man: No need to get embarrassed. Some of the best fish I know can't swim. Like the McFishwich.
Marty Donovan (shaking head): I have lobster to hawk - what do you want?
Florida Man: that HKW title shot I won at your Birthday Bash...
Marty Donovan: Let me guess, you want a shot at Cross? Well get in line, because I'm winning the HKW World Title at Hardkore Halloween!
Florida Man: Nah, I can beat Cross whenever I want. Screw the world title. I want my YTA championship back-
Marty Donovan: I guess that would fall under HKW's jurisdiction.
Florida Man: Exactly. But after the referee turned a blind eye over that Greg Jin, Joe Nobody, greatest travesty in the history of Florida nonsense, I need an impartial stage. So I want Kilroy at the End of Days PPV.
At this point Marty Donovan is just happy that his Epcot Mafia partner isn't suggesting they go after the tag titles. This is actually the least painful and potentially embarrassing way the former HKW Cali champion could use that birthday title shot.
Marty Donovan: Fine, Jonnie signed off on the title shot reward, so we won't have a problem with that.
Florida Man: My lawyer already drew up the paperwork.
The green painted dwarf hands Nemo some papers, which the clownfish quickly signs off on to finish this segment.
Florida Man: Hells yeah! Thanks Marty. Come End of Days, Kilroy won't know what hit him.
Marty Donovan: I wouldn't sell him short.
Florida Man: Oh, I have an insurance policy.
Marty shallows hard. That doesn't sound good.
Somewhere off the shores of San Pedro, California, within the Pacific Ocean’s Ring Of Fire, is a boat. Within this boat is the captain, a distinguished lady wearing an overly large hat with a single feather. She places her hand on the engine throttle.
Grandma Mary: I’m on a boat!
She guns the lever.
We zoom out to see her two granddaughters adorned with bear ear headbands and bouncing in their seats as they look behind the boat.
The boat passes and we follow a single stern line to a wave surfing inner tube with her son clearly clinging on for dear life. He bounces high on a wave and loses his shoes.
Uncle: MY FLIPPY-FLOPPIES!
The boat slows as it reaches a larger barge with a ramp going up the stern. The speed boat beaches itself on the back of the larger barge. A single plank is lowered from the speed boat’s deck to the deck of the barge. Grandma Mary descends onto the barge. The girls go over to the VIP section behind the commentary table among the other screaming CAR-nies.
Grandma Mary: Ahoy Mateys!! Welcome to a CARnival of an XHF Event! We used the WHOLE budget on this booty of a show! Please welcome Miss Bonnie Jenkins!
The matriarch of CAR and her son approach Joey Hawke and sit on either side of him at the commentary table. They all go through their pleasantries as Bonnie announces the tag match.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following bout is scheduled for ONE FALL and is the Tag Team Annihilator tournament FINALS! Tonight’s match will be sanctioned under Pirate Ship Battle rules! To win the match, a team must get a pinfall or submission on their opponents on BOTH ships. This match will have NO time limit!
Grandma Mary: Oh goody, pirates are always festive this time of year!
Uncle: That they are, but I don’t think that we’ll be seeing many pirates in this match, ma.
Hawke: Not unless you consider Zoran one.
Grandma Mary: He’s the worst kind of pirate Joey, the worst I say.
A drone flies under a bridge to show the water off the coast of San Pedro, California before focusing in on the two pirate ships that are nearly rubbing up against one another. Unlike the other matches, the competitors will use a carrier boat from different areas and be delivered to each boat.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first! Hailing from Minneapolis, Minnesota and Lafayette, Louisiana respectfully. They weighed in this evening at a combined weight of four hundred fifty one pounds! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Scott Fargo and Mehrunes Smith, better known as — THE END!
An eerie cold silence drops over the venue as an ominous chanting begins while the lighting begins to darken. Once the building is shrouded in darkness, the sound system and the people are shocked awake by the explosion of the heavily distorted guitars beginning the intro riff to the music. Pale green and murky orange lights circle the building and pulse lightly with the beat of the music. Two spotlights appear in the middle of the entrance way. From the shadows, out walk two men to take their spots. MEHRUNES SMITH, in his trademarked leather coat, strokes at the tentacles of his mask as he surveys the buildings from behind the dead black eyes of the mask while SCOTT FARGO has his sights lasered in on the direction of the ring while he unzips his black hoodie. While making their walk, Smith continues to glare around out at the people while Fargo continues a determined walk, his body swaying with the rough beat. As they near the transportation that will take them to the Pirate Ship. Smith and Fargo walk on the boat and moments later are on their way to the pirate ships. After a few moments, the drone comes around the ships to show Fargo and Smith climbing dual rope ladders to the deck of the left ship; which appears to be named ‘Madbeard’ after its last captain.
Hawke: These two teams have fought through a gauntlet of other XHF Network tag teams to find their way to the Annihilator tournament finals. The winners get the opportunity to go to End of Days to face the XHF Tag Team champions, who no doubt, are paying close attention tonight.
Grandma Mary: Well somebody has the spirit of Halloween anyway.
Uncle: I thought the theme was pirates...
Hawke: Yes, well Mehrunes Smith likes his tentacled face mask to inspire horror in his foes in preparation for the end.
"Hungry Like a Wolf" by Duran Duran pumps through the speakers setup here at the XHF Sailbarge, Off the Coast of San Pedro, California. The entrance curtains ruffle, like someone is standing at them, but really doesn't want to step out. Realizing that the only alternative is getting stabbed, El Rey eventually throws back the curtain. Is that supposed to be music? It sounds like something that was written back in old testament bible days - like the 1800s. That. old. Scowling up at an amplifier, El Rey is pretty sure this is going to kill his street cred. Despite the old folks home soundtrack, the crowd cheer. Like they are really into his appearance. Of course they are, but it's also about time they acted this hyped. Forgetting the tune, El Rey starts charging down the aisle with a new spring in his step - happily slapping hands of the adoring crowd. Rey is completely oblivious to the reason for his fan favorite status... the audience that are cheering him are GENUINELY scared of his tag team partner. Not slapping hands, but keeping an eye on the crowd to make sure they behave themselves, Zoran Sainovic has an aura of menace that perfectly captures the title of the song.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing their opponents! These two are some of thee most celebrated wrestlers of the XHF Networks' modern era... they need no introduction, so put your hands together for – SAINOVIC AND SON!!!
Zoran walks over to commentary and leans in to Memaw.
Zoran Sainovic: Another tournament... another hostile crowd. (Looking at Memaw) Last year I was on my BEST behaviour out of respect to your organization, and because I was wrestling a friend...
Hawke: Zoran took on Dylan Black in a not so boiling oil match for the End of Days finals.
Zoran Sainovic: Zis year... I don't have the same feelings of camaraderie for my opponents. ...however, my son is with me. I would not like to see his evening ruined because of OUR animosity. So if you can keep your passive aggressions in check for ze sake of my kin, I will do ze same.
The Final Boss turns to the crowd of Brittney supporters.
Zoran Sainovic: Zat goes for you too. My den could use a beahr skin rug, but if you animals can conduct yourselves like decent human beings... we won't have to see if Beahr Buddies can swim. ....because from ze costumes I'm seeing? You look more like rocks.
El Rey and Zoran board their boat and are hurried off across the water to the pirate ship on the right. This ship is known as ‘The Salty Sea Wench’ as the drone comes around the back of it to show off the plaque displaying said name.
Uncle: An unusual name for a boat, wouldn’t you say Joey?
Hawke: Unusual comes with the territory around the XHF Network. I just go with the flow.
Grandma Mary: Curses, I thought that Zoran's boat was supposed to sink...
*The boat does indeed sink, after the XHF's Final Boss and his beleaguered "son" have made it onto their pirate ship. The captain flails around in the water before XHF Nautical Security rescue him.
Zoran Sainovic: Strike one...
Grandma Mary: ... Oopsies ... uh ... Oh before we start, we decided that this is a MUSICAL so every part must have a theme song! HIT IT MAESTRO!
*The Forest Force in the control booth of the XHF Sailbarge, dressed as pirates yo ho me mateys yo ho, hit the backing music for this Pirate Ship Battle...*
Hawke: I can hear Zoran groaning in anger from here ...
Zoran Sainovic: Strike Two.
TAG TEAM ANNIHILATOR FINALS MATCH
Pirate Ship Battle Match
Sainovic and Son VS. The End
DING! DING! DING!
AHOY! AHOY! AHOY!
The pirate ship battle match was officially underway as the choir of pirate cheers rang in the sounding of the bell in unusual fashion. Zoran and El Rey would stand shoulder to shoulder as they walked towards Scott Fargo and Mehrunes Smith with confidence. The End took one look at each other and shook their heads no, before running full speed at their opponents, swinging on boarding ropes and landing in front of their foes on "The Salty Sea Wench". They keep their momentum towards the Serbian and Atlantan and tackle them. Zoran and Smith clash as El Rey rolls out of Smith’s way and bounces to his feet to deliver a drop kick to his jaw! Zoran gets clobbered with a bowing right, and staggers backwards into a wooden ladder that leads up to the crow’s nest. Zoran waits for Fargo to come at him again, this time ducking under the right and jabbing Fargo twice in the forehead when he turns around.
Hawke: A brawl with little wrestling has broken out out on the pirate ship.
Grandma Mary: No question about it, The End is getting the better of Sainovic and Son.
Uncle: Uh, yeah, it definitely looks that way. (eye roll)
El Rey gets tackled from the side by Smith and the two go rolling down a staircase to the lower deck. Both feeling the effects of the unforgiving wooden stairs, they get back to their feet and trade punches. An Irish whip from Smith sends El Rey towards a bannister which he pounces up on with amazing balance and moonsaults back onto Smith for a cover!
One!
Tw—Kick out!
Zoran and Fargo have moved up towards the captain’s hull where Fargo throws Zoran head first into a door. Zoran opens the door and stumbles through into the captain’s room. Turning around he’s tackled by Fargo onto the table where a map lies, and Fargo tees off on Zoran.
Hawke: Unrelentless is Fargo, going for Zoran’s head like it’s a punching bag.
Grandma Mary: All deserved, that Zoran is a bad apple.
Uncle: That he is, Ma.
Zoran hooks the neck of Fargo and locks the arm in for a submission hold! Fargo wrangles to get free but is not fortunate in his attempt. Zoran tightens the hold, which causes Fargo to reach down and wrap his free arm around the waist, lifting up Zoran and slamming him on the table! A second slam and Zoran breaks the hold, allowing Fargo to roll off the table and onto his knees on the floor. Zoran rolls off the table on the opposite side and Fargo rises to see Zoran staring back at him. Zoran flips the table at Fargo. Back to El Rey and Smith, who are now battling it out between the two ships on a plank with wooden planks like they are swords.
Hawke: A good ole’ fashion plank showdown as these two cross from one ship to the other.
Grandma Mary: They better watch their step. They don’t want to end up overboard. What ever happened to the water guns?
Uncle: How do you XHF folks afford insurance?
El Rey gets backed up by Smith as the two pieces of wood smack each other and Smith knocks El Rey’s out of his hands. Smith swings and El Rey ducks, but gets kicked in the shoulder and rolls backwards into the other ships deck. El Rey drop kicks the plank crossing that Smith is on, and it teeters! Smith plants his wooden plank into the crossing plank and springs over it with his whole body like a cannonball; sending himself through El Rey and rolling onto the other ship’s deck!
Hawke: The agility by Smith is almost unmatched in the XHF, except maybe by that of El Rey. But here he shows what has brought him and Fargo this far in the tournament.
Grandma Mary: There's some really great air on that bowly rolly!
Uncle: Smith is up and he goes for the head of El Rey—No!
El Rey uses his legs and wraps the calves around the neck of Smith, twisting his upper body and sending Smith flying into the side railing of the ship with a head scissors takedown! El Rey gets up and sees Zoran on the balcony of the captain’s hull of the second ship being backed up by Fargo. El Rey goes to jump on the railing to spring across when Smith catches his leg and trips him so he lands stomach first across the railing. Smith hooks both legs from behind El Rey and executes a wheelbarrow suplex into a bridge pin!
One!
Two!
Three!
Bonnie Jenkins: The first pinfall has been obtained by The End on ship Madbeard!
Hawke: Strong showing by The End as they capture the first pinfall. With a pin or submission on the ship called The Salty Sea Wench, this one is in the bag.
Grandma Mary: I hope they make that Zoran submit good, he deserves it.
Uncle: Maybe don't antagonize him.
Zoran ducks a clothesline from Fargo and we see the striker of team The End almost go over the railing of the captain’s hull, but he catches himself at the last moment. The Serbian uses that hesitation to pounce, closing the distance and clocking the younger man in the back of the head with stiff forarm.
Hawke: What a strike from Zoran! He's pulling the dazed Fargo up and choking the life out of him.
Uncle: He's leaning Fargo over the railing. Zoran strangling him in a blind rage. If The Final Boss isn't careful here he might toss his opponent into the water.
Grandma Mary: Who says that isn't his plan? That creep would have no issues with making one of the opponents walk the plank so he and that snot nosed El Rey can have an advantage.
Suddenly, a man dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow runs into the frame and leaps onto Zoran's shoulder.
Grandma Mary: Look! A sexy pirate has entered the battle! You go girl!
Uncle: I don't think that is a woman. That...what a maneuver!
Hawke: A reverse frankensteiner onto Sainovic! Zoran got flipped back up on to his feet and then stumbles down the stairs.
A confused Scott Fargo watches as the Jack Sparrow impersonator kips up onto his feet and mugs for the camera.
Marty: Why is the rum always gone?
Hawke: It's Disney's Marty Donovan! One of Zoran's sworn enemies.
Uncle: Marty also is the former owner of the Reedy Creek Racing team here in CAR, but they were academically ineligible for today's race.
Uncle: Marty also is the former owner of the Reedy Creek Racing team here in CAR, but they were academically ineligible for today's race.
Grandma Mary: Young Tinto learned a valuable lesson. A brand new Spiderman game for the NeoGeo is no reason to neglect your multiplication tables.
Zoran rises to his feet and scowls.
Zoran: Marty, I figured you'd stick your mouse ears where zey don't belong.
Marty: You think you can just get away with ruining my birthday party? I've known today would be the perfect moment to get revenge.
Zoran: Because you're a coward and CAR doesn't allowed me to use knives.
There is a long pause.
Marty: I also wanted to wear the pirate costume.
Marty is suddenly rocked with a stiff European uppercut from Scott.
Hawke: Fargo dropping Marty with the shotgun blast!
Grandma Mary: Please, gentleman, this is CAR. Let's call it the supersoaker spray.
Uncle: The End don't want any help winning this.
Fargo picks up the stunned Marty and tosses him down the stairs.
Hawke: Scott tossing the Disney pitchman towards Zoran, but The Final Boss just moves to the side.
Uncle: Honestly, I think Marty would prefer that to being embraced by the Serbian stabber.
Grandma Mary: I don't know anyone who would pick a Zoran hug over something more enjoyable ... like waterboarding.
Uncle: I KNEW those Europeans didn't like hugs!
The camera cuts back to the other ship where El Rey has Smith in a leglock.
Hawke:El Rey trying to keep Smith on the same ship as him.
Uncle: Makes sense. Sainovic and Son need pinfalls on both boats.
Grandma Mary: No, they need Jesus.
Meanwhile, Fargo and Zoran trade fists. Scott blocks a left hook and follows it up with a headbutt.
Hawke: They're slugging it out on the high seas! A Shotei Palm Strike from Zoran drops the Hardkore World tag team champion.
Uncle: Fargo grabs a wooden bucket though.
Grandma Mary: No amount of elbow grease will ever get Zoran clean.
Zoran yanks Fargo up only to have the bucket smashed over his head. He collapses to the mat.
Hawke: Zoran's down! Fargo pounces! He's locked in the heel hook!
Uncle: That's his best submission move I hear!
Grandma Mary: I could cry tears of joy!
Hawke: Zoran's down! Fargo pounces! He's locked in the heel hook!
Uncle: That's his best submission move I hear!
Grandma Mary: I could cry tears of joy!
El Rey and Smith battle on the bridge. Rey is trying to get out of a headlock.
Hawke: El Rey is attempting to wrestle free. He needs to get to the other boat and save Zoran.
Uncle: Even if he does shake Smith, that is a long run to make. Zoran is in agony.
Grandma Mary: Look at his stupid gloved hand trembling! Zoran is going to tap any second.
Sure enough, Zoran screams in pain and raised his trembling hand in the air. Fargo yells insults and tells him to give up...just as Marty comes off the railing with a shooting star splash press. The commentary team sits there in stunned silence for a moment.
Grandma Mary: Oh, bless his heart.
The hold is broken and Zoran rolls away in pain. A livid Fargo stares at Marty.
Marty: Listen kid, I don't know how you do stuff in Rock Hard wrestling, but in Hardkore World we have something called seniority.
Hawke: Fargo is in Hardkore World. He's a tag champion there.
Uncle: You can't expect Marty to know that. He has to remember the names of more than 100 dalmatians.
Uncle: You can't expect Marty to know that. He has to remember the names of more than 100 dalmatians.
Marty: I want you to win this match and face Cross. Honest! Zoran is mine though, so how about you focus on that guy with the tentacle mask?
Fargo gets face to face with Marty. The fake pirate gulps.
Marty: Don't feel bad. This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost pinned Captain Jack Sparrow.
Fargo kicks Marty in the stomach and lifts him up in a jumping-gotch style piledriver.
Hawke: DEATH KNELL!
Uncle: Fargo tosses Marty overboard!
Hawke: DEATH KNELL!
Uncle: Fargo tosses Marty overboard!
Grandma Mary: Don't worry folks. I'm sure Nemo will find him!
Fargo yells insults into the ocean before turning around. To his surprise, Zoran is waiting there.
Uncle: Oh no! Zoran is already back up, on one foot at least.
Grandma Mary: LOOK OUT HE HAS A MOP!
Hawke: I mean...there are worse household items he could be using.Uncle: Oh no! Zoran is already back up, on one foot at least.
Grandma Mary: LOOK OUT HE HAS A MOP!
Zoran swings with all his might and cracks the wooden pole over Fargo's head. He lands a High angle SPIKED Gutwrench Suplex to him.
Hawke: One half of The End just met The Pain!
Uncle: Smith is still on the bridge. El Rey grabs him and hits a ... cool ... wrestling move thingy!
Grandma Mary: He's going for the hug. I can't watch!
One!
Two!
Three!
Bonnie Jenkins: Sainovic and Son have scored a pinfall on The Salty Sea Wench. To win, the End must get a pin or submission on The Salty Sea Wench, Sainovic and Son must get a fall on Madbeard
Zoran cackles like a mad man as he grabs Fargo by the chin and begins to mouth off at him. He slaps him across the face with a backhand before looking around for something.
Grandma Mary: What a malodorous malcontent! What a literal bucket of sleaze! What a poor example to his son!
Zoran: I do believe zat’s Strike Zree! You’ve left me no choice Mary…
Grandma Mary: … What is he … doing?
Zoran grabs the referee on the Salty Sea Wench and pulls off his hook from his hand. He raises it high and gouges his own hand with it! He draws blood! He begins to wipe the blood all over the referee and the boat! It looks like a crime scene!
Hawke: Why is he doing that?
Grandma Mary: WHAT IS HE DOING? *turns to uncle and grabs his collar* WHAT IS HE DOING?
Uncle: I believe we just broke TV-13.
Grandma Mary: THIS IS FAMILY FRIENDLY ENTERTAINMENT!
Zoran: If you keep slandering me I’ll go for the hard R…
El Rey begins to sprint up the ladder and into the crow’s nest as Mehrunes Smith follows him, holding one of the boarding ropes in his teeth. Rey turns around and begins to stomp into the hole to try and make Smith fall. Mehrunes uses the rope to tie El Rey’s foot as he stomps and pulls him through the hole, where he dangles from his finger tips to avoid swinging into nowhere. While Rey pulls himself through the hole and unties himself, Smith is able to climb into the crow’s nest with him. He kicks the junior heavyweight champ in the face and then slams his face into the mast. El Rey back kicks looking for the low blow, but Smith leaps to the edge of the crow’s nest. Zoran has now taped up his hand and blows a smirking kiss back to the barge and the commentary booth.
Grandma Mary: Your mother never loved you!
Uncle: I mean that’s probably not true.
Hawke: No no, I’ve heard that too.
Zoran turns back to Fargo … and gets blasted as something is lifted up between his legs! .. It’s a pool noodle. Scott sighs as Zoran just smirks.
Zoran: You call zat a weapon, my boy? Let me show you how to wield it.
Zoran squeezes his legs together and twists. The noodle dislodges from Fargo’s hands and thwacks him upside the head. Smith begins to dance over the kicks and swipes of Rey as he tries to stay standing on the crow’s nest. He grabs the rope from earlier as Rey swings. He leaps up and swings on the rope to the mainsail! Zoran turns back and forth, basically pool noodle mushroom stamping the sides of Fargo’s face. Scott seems more insulted than hurt. He grabs the noodle, Zoran stops and yanks on it pulling Scott into the position for the Revolver! As he laughs, Mehrunes swings off the mainsail towards the Salty Sea Wench! Zoran spins for the reverse STO, right into a flying clothesline from Smith! Sainovic flips a complete 270 to land on his chest next to Fargo, who stumbles away and collpases. El Rey grabs his head in disbelief. He leaps to the top of the crow’s nest … and catches the boarding rope that Smith used as it swings back!
Grandma Mary: What a beautiful tarzan move from the octopus face guy!
Uncle: Hey, what’s that on El Rey?
Hawke: Looks like something is looped through his pants…
El Rey laughs as he grabs the rope. He ignores the second rope. He leaps to swing and suddenly feels a tugging on his britches. He ends up swinging from the crow’s nest like tinkerbell in a stage production of Peter Pan.
Hawke: Well …
Grandma Mary: MEGA WEDGIE!
Zoran slowly pushes to his feet as Smith blasts him in the face with a super soaker! The Serbian coughs and sputters as he is brutally water blasted. Fargo grabs a noodle and begins to beat him in the back of the head with it. Sainovic grabs the noodle and yanks it away from Scott while using it to disarm Mehrunes! Smith reaches down and grabs another pool noodle.
Zoran: En garde!
The two of them begin to fence back and forth with the noodles. It is an intense back and forth as they jockey around. Zoran eventually switches to his dominant hand.
Zoran: INSERT PRINCESS BRIDE LINE HERE! I’m too important to be quoting popular media.
Zoran presses his advantage and eventually Smith transitions to swinging it like a lightsaber. Zoran manages to block, parry and twirl his noodle and disarms Mehrunes. He then laughs as he STABS HIM IN THE CHEST! … The noodle bends as both men look down at it. Mehrunes sighs as Zoran grumbles.
Zoran: Accursed Memaw!
Grandma Mary: You’re not welcome!
Hawke: I mean it was pretty epic if not for the children’s water toys …
Smith grabs the noodle and yanks Zoran in. Clothesline! Rey is dangling from the crow’s nest of Madbeard shouting for help! He is starting to get air sick as he swings all over … eventually he smacks head first into the mast and looks dazed … then swings legs first into it. He catches the mast with his legs but hits hard with an OOF as he crushes his giblets. Zoran is hauled to his feet and responds with a headbutt. Smith kicks him in the left ankle before stomping on his foot. Zoran hits another headbutt. Stumbling, Mehrunes kicks him in the calf three times, trying to soften him up before leaping with a dropkick! The Final Boss dodges and pushes Smith out of the air to his back on the harsh wooden deck. Fargo comes from behind with a schoolboy!
ONE!
TW-Zoran kicks free.
Uncle: So close! That would have ended it!
Hawke: Of note, both members of the End are on the ship THEY need a pin on, which means somehow Zoran needs them on the other boat to get a win.
Grandma Mary: Great tactics guys! You eldritch types are always welcome in CAR!
Zoran rolls to his feet and absolutely blasts Fargo to the ground with the Pressure Point shotei! He turns and Smith hits him with a dropsault! He lands in a superhero pose and follows the kick to the chest with a sweep to the left ankle to trip the XHF Devil. A series of stomps follow. Zoran catches the foot and shoves up. Smith does a flip and ands in a senton on top of Zoran and pins!
ONE!
TWO!
Kickout by Zoran.
Zoran pushes to his wobbly feet and the two begin a strike showdown. As they trade punches, a blast from a supersoaker to the ear disorients Sainovic enough for Smith to hit a hurricanrana! Sainovic rolls to his feet … POISONRANA! Spiking Zoran to the boards, Mehrunes dives on to try a kimura to end it! Sainovic however continues to fight and refuses to let the lock get properly applied. El Rey is now being attended to by some pirate-dressed crewmateys as he tries to get them to free him from the rope Smith attached to his hindquarters.
Hawke: Looks like El Rey may be back in this soon, the End’s window of double teaming is closing!
Smith finally relinquishes the hold, allowing Zoran to grab a supersoaker and brain him with it! Stumbling from the plastic gun filled with water to the temple, Mehrunes stumbles. Zoran catches him and yanks him down into the Interrogation ’01! The stomach claw has Smith nearly vomiting in pain as he crumples to his knees. The XHF Devil slowly climbs to a vertical base before twisting the claw even harder. Mehrunes yells out in agony and tries to free himself. He ends up backing up onto the plank connecting the boats and begins to lose his consciousness. Sainovic shoves him out of the hold and back onto the Madbeard! El Rey is now slowly climbing down the mast to the deck! El Rey gets to the deck and sees Smith holding his guts in agony. He slowly stalks him … moving around him to get in front of him, back to the Salty Sea Wench.
Hawke: Uh oh … he’s looking to end it.
Grandma Mary: WOO HOO! A TWISTY LEG HUG!
Indeed, Zoran is grabbed from behind and has his left leg yanked into a heel hook by Fargo! He yells in agony and tries to claw onto the plank to be off the ship!
Zoran: REY! SON! MY BOY!
Rey waves him off, assuring him he got it handled. He stalks Smith … He hooks him! STYLES CLASH!
Grandma Mary: BEDTIME!
Hawke: SOCIETY KILLER!
Uncle: Zoran looks almost like he’s crying.
Indeed Zoran is unable to escape the boat and has to watch as El Rey taunts to the crowd laughing. He begins to mouth off at the broken Smith about how horrible he is for touching his britches!
Zoran: PIN HIM SON! AGH! END THE END!
El Rey again waves off his “father” and pulls the seemingly unconscious Mehrunes to his feet. He sets up for another Society Killer … and gets shoved off the boat and into the water!! Smith collapses to the deck as Zoran sighs. He is forced to tap out to preserve his ability to walk! The heel hook ends another match for Scott Fargo!
Bonnie Jenkins: The End have gotten a submission on the Salty Sea Wench! That means your winners of the Tag Team Annihilator an advancing to End of Days next week to try for the Global Tag Team Titles against ODS … THE END!
Grandma Mary: OH HAPPIEST OF DAYS! That is what happens when you try and turn a CAR show into a MATURE program!
Hawke: Indeed the End have picked up a signature victory here. What a grueling match! Had El Rey stopped showboating and trying for revenge for his embarrassment…
Uncle: If if’s and maybe’s were biscuits and gravy we’d all be fed.
🎶How I wish you could see the potential
The potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound but
In a language that you can't read just yet🎶
Funaki, XHF's NUMBA ONE backstage interviewer stands next to Steve Awesome. His face hung low and his usual perfect hair, hung in front of it.
Funaki: I’m standing here next to the Face of the Franchise himself, Steve Awesome! He doesn’t have a match here tonight because he was eliminated from the tournament back on night two.
Steve’s fist clenched.
Funaki: But the world is still buzzing. Earlier this week, you completely no showed the HKW House Show in Coachella and even some of your own personal business matters. Rumors are going around that you are feeling some type of way because of losing the End of Days tournament and thus your chance at the XCrown Championship. What are your thoughts on that? Are you okay?
It took a moment or two for him to respond but soon enough he slowly raised his head and forced a smile.
Steve Awesome: Hey come on. I’m Steve Awesome baby. You know things like a simple loss doesn’t bother me. Things like that just roll off my shoulder. Heh heh….”
You could see his eyes shift back and forth behind his sunglasses and his fake smile waivered.
Steve Awesome: Look, I chose to no show those events because I wanted to. And that’s all the explanation you or the dirt sheets or the fans need. Okay? So just get off my goddamn back about losing my last shot at the Crown and never getting another shot again. It’s NOT OVER!”
Steve stopped and realized what he just said.
Steve Awesome: I mean, about no showing! You knew what I meant! Whatever.
He turned away to readjust his leather jacket and his fixed hair. Suddenly, a giant display of former XCrown Champions caught his eye. It was there for fans to take their picture with but Steve could see his reflection in the glass. And at the right angle, he could see his reflection with the XCrown sitting on his shoulder.
🎶There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective
When we'll be lovers, lovers at last🎶
Funaki: Uh…Steve? Are you okay?
Steve slowly nodded his head but never took his eyes off the glass.
🎶You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you let me down so easily🎶
🎶So easily🎶
Funaki: Steve?
Steve finally snapped out of his trance and looked at the worried interviewer.
Steve Awesome: I know what I gotta do…..
He slowly turns and walks away as poor Funaki just stands there and looks confused.
🎶You gotta spend some time, love
You gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love🎶
🎶I will possess your heart🎶
Hawke: Well let's take a look back at the singles tourney that got us to this point. In the first week we had four fatal-4-way matches where 2 people would advance from each. In Group A we had Jack Diamond assert his dominance with a stunning pin over Death Trap, your CAR rep!
Grandma Mary: But he wasn't down for the count! He's here now!
Hawke: Don't worry since obviously DT managed to sneak out a win as well. From group B we saw Dana Daniels advance first while Donzig followed close behind. From Group C we saw the duo of Jesse Jamester and Jason Long get through. And group D showed out with Steve Awesome and Esmeralda von Krauss.
Uncle: Some really great wrestling they showed us that time!
Hawke: From there we saw Jack Diamond advance over his bitter rival Dana Daniels and Death Trap finally overcoming Donzig in a particularly brutal fashion!
Grandma Mary: Ah yes I remember that match!
Uncle: I think I still have nightmares about that match...
Hawke: Jesse shocked Steve Awesome and Jason Long survived a brutal bout with EVK. And then DT managed to submit Jack Diamond, with a bit of help. And Long managed to outlast Jesse and KO him for a ten count! So tonight we see if the rep from CAR can handle the wildcard Tapout star!
A sea shanty plays in the background of the locker rooms to inspire the competitors. Jason Long is shown in his locker room warming up for the match against Death Trap later in the night. The prize, a shot at the X*Crown title and a chance for both of them to add to their previous reigns. Long is seen wrapping the wrist tape around his right hand, slowly moving upward toward his wrist, using his own teeth to rip it off of the roll before doing the exact same on his left hand. A knock is heard at the door.
Jason Long: Yeah?
Cross Recoba: Mind if I come in, there’s some information you might want to know. It could be the motivation to put your over the top tonight.
Recoba doesn’t wait for the door to open, stepping into shot. The XHF X*Crown title is over the shoulder of his suit jacket, a serious look on his face. Maverick continues with his pre-match checks and warm-ups.
Cross Recoba: This is a great chance to showcase exactly why Tap Out Wrestling is the leading sports organization on the Network! You’ve got a lot of opportunities to prove people wrong. Death Trap thinks you’re nothing when grounded but he’s overlooking how you put down Marty Donovan at Tap Out Wrestling 9. How you went the whole tournament for the Openweight title undefeated and going past NOMAD and Diamond in the brackets…I mean it didn’t work out for you at Supremacy but..
Long’s warm-up comes to an abrupt stop.
Cross Recoba: I can’t see you choking on the Global stage again, Mav, you’re too smart for that. Go out tonight and prove to people why you should have been the Tap Out representative instead of Jack Diamond. You had my vote but unfortunately…
Recoba leaves a deliberate pause.
Cross Recoba: I was out-voted by the rest of the board. I believe in you, Jason, now remind everyone why we should never count you out.
Jason takes in the words of his boss, the X*Crown Champion, and a deep sigh escapes from his lips.
Jason Long: There’s been a part of me that makes me believe that Death Trap hasn’t got a clue on what he’s speaking about. Then again, I’m used to it at this point, Cross. Everyone begins to define me for the mistakes I made in the past. The losses speak very louder than those wins. I might’ve beaten them before, but with losses stacked up, what do you think they’ll remember the most at the end of the day?
He questioned, glancing toward Recoba.
Jason Long: Then again, feels like the board thinks the same as everyone else…
The silence filled the room immediately
Jason Long: I feel a little bit iffy on the fact that, after all of this time still, I can’t be trusted enough to be your representative. I can’t be the person you should have up front and ready to go for big moments like these. I kind of get it a bit but then again, I just don’t understand it quite the same as you’d hope me to do.
Long pauses for a second.
Jason Long: You’ve known me as someone who does whatever it takes to prove myself, right?
He glances toward Recoba.
Jason Long: And yes, my record this year has not been the greatest around. On main stages like this, it’s been poor. But, at the very least, have some hope for me. Maybe you see that already, maybe the board doesn’t, but I don’t know the board or who’s in it – except for you. My only concern of the board is always directed to you.
Long pokes his finger to Recoba.
Jason Long: So when the board makes a fuck up, you take the blame in my books. When the board doesn’t make a good decision, it’s you that I see not making that decision as the right one. So when you tell me that you were outvoted by the board, then all I see is a man that is one of one. You didn’t want me involved.
His hands become raised, taking a step back away from the X*Crown Champion.
Jason Long: I know from a business standpoint on what people would want to see and what’s actually done. If you are in the position that I think you are, it’ll always be your call on what to make. If you went with your head for once, Cross, you’d have made the better decision sooner rather than later.
Cross Recoba: Then make us eat our words, I'm not turning down a full-page advert for Tap Out at next week's End of Days but I'm not going to give it to you on a plate.
The shot fades back to the deck of the boat as the two men stare down the other.
Hawke: Ok that should mean it’s about time for our-
Grandma Mary: MID-SHOW ENTERTAINMENT! We enlisted a former XHF announcer who assures us he was Numba One.
Hawke:… Oh no …
Uncle: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you’ve been wondering where Randy Angle is-
Hawke: Angel.
Grandma Mary: Yes my son is quite the cherub isn’t he?
Uncle: Ladies and gentlemen direct your attention to the ocean where Funaki is tending … to our drunken sailor!
The shot zooms over to a moderate sized skiff in the middle of the water. In the boat is Randy Angel. He is drinking an entire 25 pack of super sake … responsibly? “Drunken Sailor” by Nathan Evans begins to play. Randy begins to mime along while “driving” the boat … of note there is another pirate-costumed XHF stagehand piloting the boat for reals.
Grandma Mary: What do we do with the drunken sailor? What do we do with the drunken sailor? What do we do with the drunken sailor, early in the mornin’?
Uncle: Way-hay and up she rises, Way-hay and up she rises, Way-hay and up she rises, early in the mornin’!
Hawke: Where are we going with this?
Randy, for what it’s worth, is dancing around, clearly his drunken self. Funaki begins to sneak up behind him, waving around his pirate hook and removing his pirate hat to expose a pirate bandana. We get it. He’s a pirate. He grabs Randy, who begins to sway with Funaki.
Grandma Mary: Shave his belly with a rusty razor, shave his belly with a rusty razor, shave his belly with a rusty razor early in the mornin’!
Hawke: WHAT? That isn’t sanitary or safe … or family entertainment!
Uncle: Way-hay and up she rises, Way-hay and up she rises, Way-hay and up she rises, early in the mornin’!
Sure enough, Funaki raises his hook and slices open Randy’s t-shirt. Randy laughs and splashes Funaki with sake. Funaki then shaves his tummy of all hair with his rusty pirate hook. Randy is now looking around confused like this wasn’t in his contract. Memaw assures us it very much was. Randy’s tummy is red and raw, and still has some splotches of drunk tangly hair.
Grandma Mary: Put him in a long boat till he’s sober! Put him in a long boat till he’s sober. Put him in a long boat till he’s sober, early in the mornin’!
Hawke: Joke’s on you, Randy doesn’t know what sober MEANS!
Uncle: Way-hay and up she rises, Way-hay and up she rises, Way-hay and up she rises, early in the mornin’!
Funaki now drags Randy to a canoe that is bolted to the side of the skiff like an outrigger and tosses him into the boat. Randy begins to yell belligerently at Funaki until Funaki starts “sobering” him up with buckets of sea water tossed at him.
Uncle: In the older versions there is a verse about giving the sailor salt water, we thought that too cruel and imitatable by the young’ins.
Funaki crawls back onto the main ship. He slips and falls due to being wet and drunk.
Grandma Mary: Stick him in a scupper with a hose-pipe bottom. Stick him in a scupper with a hose-pipe bottom. Stick him in a scupper with a hose-pipe bottom, early in the mornin’!
Uncle: Way-hay and up she rises, Way-hay and up she rises, Way-hay and up she rises, early in the mornin’!
Hawke: Wait what does that even mean? What the hell is a scupper? Is the scupper hose-pipe bottomed? Or Randy?
Grandma Mary: Oh do hush and enjoy the fun, Joseph!
Funaki grabs a headlock on Randy and stuffs him into a set of stocks shaped like a scupper hole on a ship, meant to let excess water out of the bottom of the ship. Held in place thus, Funaki grabs a length of hose pipe and begins to spank Randy’s ass. Randy yelps! Then yelps … then starts to seemingly enjoy it … making Funaki uncomfortable. Randy begins to yell and hiccup drunkily for him to go harder, Zolothach hits him way harder.
Grandma Mary: This was also in his contract. Put him in a bed with the captain’s daughter, put him in a bed with the captain’s daughter, put him in a bed with the captain’s daughter early in the mornin’!
Hawke: Wait … that’s deviant! Which captain? Mongo doesn’t have a daughter. Neither does O’Shanty!
Uncle: Way-hay and up she rises, Way-hay and up she rises, Way-hay and up she rises, early in the mornin’!
Grandma Mary: Joey, you need to research. The Captain’s Daughter is a loving nickname for the cat o’nine tails!
Hawke: Where did you find a cat with nine tails? This isn’t Pokey Mans!
Funaki pulls out a Cat-o-nine-tails … the whip … with nine heads … and begins to lash Randy. Randy yells out in pain … then sips Sake through a straw that leads to his hands behind the scupper hole and then begins to settle in and enjoy the ride. Funaki wails away on him, telling him to stop enjoying this! He then yanks him from the hole and tosses him onto a very firm and uncomfortable bed.
Hawke: That’s a whip! A WHIP! How is this allowed but blood isn’t?
Uncle: It’s all in the contract my boy. And it was in the program. Did you not take a program? Hey Forest, send us down one of them programs!
Hawke: We have programs? Since when?
Grandma Mary: That’s what we do with a drunken sailor. That’s what we do with a drunken sailor. That’s what we do with a drunken sailor early in the mornin’!
Uncle: Way-hay and up she rises, Way-hay and up she rises, Way-hay and up she rises, early in the mornin’!
Funaki hears the final up she rises and grabs Randy by the shaven tummy and ties a rope around him. Randy tries to hold onto the bed but instead finds out the bed is made of rope. He simultaneously is lifted up with the sail as she rises, while also following the weigh heigh and hoisting the anchor, allowing the boat to start drifting towards the barge. Randy waves at the crew of the barge as the skiff sails past towards shore … and then he falls, with the sail … and the anchor … and crashes onto the bed, while the skiff stops short sending Funaki overboard. Randy begins to mourn all the broken liquor bottles. And we toss back to the commentary table where Joey stares in shock, wide-eyed.
Grandma Mary: Oh fiddlesticks. That Mongo skimped on the rope clasps. I’m sure he’s fine, it’s all covered in the iron clad contract.
Hawke: Ok and coming up next after that ... *maximum side-eye to Mary* lovely ... aside, we will send some medics out to check on my broadcast colleague Mr. Randy Angel.
Uncle: He really needs to hold his liquor better. Perhaps abstinence?
Grandma Mary: He really should be better behaved around a distinguished lady such as myself, Joey.
Hawke: Right ... anyway ... we now turn over to the side of the craft, where we see a wrestling-ring-sized piece of driftwood on pontoons with some ring ropes attached to it.
Uncle: Mother ... how did you test the safety of this apparatus? That is OUR representative out there.
Grandma Mary: Forest Force!
*A quick shot of the control booth of the Sailbarge shows the Forest Force shuddering in fear at that statement. Clearly this will not end well.*
Bonnie Jenkins: This match is scheduled for one fall and is a Swab the Deck Match! Both fighters will wrestle to a pinfall finish on that piece of driftwood there, dealing with all the hazards of being adrift on a raft. The winner will go to the End of Days Pay Per View to face Cross Recoba for the XHF X*Crown Championship! At the request of our champion, please welcome to the commentary booth … CROSS RECOBA!
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside the arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. Out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, pointing to his Angry Mad Chemists t-shirt beneath his suit coat with the other. The HCW Diamond title is draped over his shoulder, whilst the HKW World Heavyweight Championship is perched on his other shoulder and the stand in belt he has chosen for the XHF X*Crown Championship is proudly displayed around his waist.
The crowd responds with a cavalcade of cheers as the CARnies actually like Cross, the #1 supporter of the Angry Mad Chemists. Cross uses the handle of the cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the audience. He holds up the cane that has caused so much trouble in the past to a more mixed response from the fans, and begins down the ramp still holding it aloft.
Grandma Mary: Oh my what a surprise! Cross, what a joy to see you, young’in. And look at all that gold!
Cross indeed pulls up a very fancy chair and sits next to the old matriarch with a smile on his face. He embraces her with the very European cheek kiss, cheek kiss greeting and they sit down.
Hawke: Welcome to the booth, champ. Are you here to do a little reconnaissance on your possible opponents?
Cross Recoba: You could call it that. I’m not unfamiliar with Jason Long, being a Tapout star, and Death Trap has been around as long as dirt. But it never hurts to see how possible foes react to adverse circumstances. This match is genius by the way Mary, love what you are doing here.
Uncle: Will you be getting a front row seat to the race later tonight?
Cross Recoba: Are you kidding? Of course! The AMC are going to trounce the others. I do question the wisdom of putting a trio of dogs alone in a speedboat, but Mary here knows what she’s doing. She’s a good one.
There’s a moment of silence inside of the arena as the crowd awaits for the next match, but then the lights inside of the arena dim to darkness and the crowd sit in silence, but then they hear the words speaking through the P.A. System and that signals for them to begin cheering upon knowing who it might be:
“YOU’RE NOT THE REAL HEROES, I’M THE REAL HERO.”
The crowd inside of the building began to cheer loudly as the vocals of “Superhero” begin to play through the speakers, the lights beginning to spiral around the arena before bringing them all around onto the stage where The Last Breathing Mercenary steps through the curtain, a large grin along his face as he stops at the top of the ramp and looks around the arena. The camera panned closer toward the man as he began his slow walk down to the ring, soaking in every second that the crowd showed their love for Long.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first … wrestling out of Wexford Town, County Wexford, Ireland and weighing in tonight at two hundred and fourteen pounds… THE LAST BREATHING MERCENARY… JASON LONG!!!!
Long finds himself being led to the edge of the barge and to a small dinghy as his ring introduction is made, taking a moment to stand there and take a deep breath before stepping into the teetering tiny boat. From there, he removes his ring jacket and drops it into the boat and steps through the ropes into the ‘ring’ at sea. Long heads into the furthest corner and steps onto the second ropes, keeping himself up high as he looks out through the crowd– which only brings a large smile along his face, slightly laughing at the crowd. The board lurches forward nearly dumping him into the still waves. Long catches himself and stabilizes before leaping off and moving back towards the middle of the ring, wiping his brow. This isn’t going to be easy.
Grandma Mary: Oh my, you need to keep your balance in that ring. Or else … SPLOOSH!
Uncle: I question the wisdom of this particular creation, ma. It looks like they won’t be able to wrestle effectively.
Hawke: These two are serious stars, something tells me this is only going to end in someone very annoyed after getting pinned thanks to the match setup itself.
Cross Recoba: Oh come on, any wrestler worth his salt can figure out how to balance and take advantage of this situation. If these two are as talented as their ramblings would lead you to believe, they should be fine. And if not? Well it just goes to show why this belt is where it is and not on them. *he points to his waist where the Crown belt sits*
The haunting vocal intro to “The Hard Sell” by Coheed and Cambria plays. The tron has come to life and displays "And now … The XHF Network presents … its MAIN ATTRACTION!" A corvette drives from behind the screen and “shatters the screen” as the guitar rocks the arena. DT slowly walks onto the stage with his head down hidden under a hoodie. It's black and has his custom interlocking DT logo with an Italian flag and Mariners compass on it on the back. He stands in the seabreeze and slowly looks up showing off his signature bowler hat and sunglasses under the hood.
"I'm paranoid and sick of this world's misconception of things I did. My language poured across this wrist in a metaphoric disaster. My guess, I'm missing out the punch line, unless this hanging noose is fitted to be all mine..."
He slowly pushes the hood back revealing a serious face as he lowers his sunglasses before pulling them off and placing them in his hoodie pocket as he gazes around the XHF Sailbarge. He slowly strolls down the ramp, eyeing up Cross Recoba and the X*Crown the entire way to the edge of the barge as he drops into his dinghy.
Bonnie Jenkins: Making his way to the ring, representing CAR and hailing from the emerald city of Seattle, Washington, standing at 6'4" and weighing in at 260 pounds, he is the Master of the Dragon Sleeper … one half of the longest reigning former XHF Global Tag Team Champions, Top of the Class … “The Main Attraction” ... DEATH TRAP!
"I stood by everything I loved, while you never understood me much. Cuz there's only ONE of ME and TOO MANY of YOU fighting over nothing. There's never enough cool for everyone, and before you know it? You're selling out to be in."
He unzips the hoodie as he sails towards the ring and drops the hoodie to the boat as he reaches the ring steps. He stops on the ring steps to look out at the crowd. He climbs to the apron and spins, hooking his arms over the top rope. A chorus of CARnie cheers shower DT in the ring as the crowd erupts for the XHF Legend. The Xtremetron shows “Top of the Class, Cream of the Crop.” He points back to the boat at Cross and his title and then to himself, making the belt motion around his waist before stepping through the middle rope and running to the opposite side, grasping the top rope as he steps onto the bottom rope and points out at the crowd again. The board lurches and Jason Long backs into the opposing corner to balance the ring. DT looks down, annoyed and sighs as he drops to the makeshift raft ring. He steps to the center of the ring and removes his hat, tossing it to the man in the dinghy, before stretching and cracking his neck and knuckles, waiting for the bell.
Grandma Mary: There he is folks, the next X*Crown champion.
Cross Recoba: Excuse me?
Grandma Mary: You’re excused, dear.
Uncle: I believe mother is just trying to show faith in her chosen representative Cross, nothing personal.
Grandma Mary: Of course! Nothing is ever personal with me, hon! No worries! *She says as she stabs a Zoran Sainovic voodoo doll in the neck with a hat pin with a pretty flower on it*
Hawke: Sometimes you guest announcers frighten me …
Grandma Mary: *she turns to him, chuckling* Happy Halloween!
END OF DAYS SINGLES TOURNAMENT FINALS MATCH
Swab The Deck Match
Death Trap vs. Jason Long
The referee for this match is Nicolas “Papito” Perez, and he is sat on a much more stable speed boat between the barge and the “ring”. He signals for both men to approach the center of the ring and then rings the bell himself!
DING! DING! DING!
Both men wobble to the center of the ring and look to lock up. A collar and elbow tie-up follows and they begin to jockey for position. Death Trap uses his size advantage to begin to bend Jason Long backwards. Long steps back and as DT steps forward he slips on the wet deck of the board and ends up bent back himself. Jason bears down on him and DT drops to his back and plants his feet in the gut of the mercenary and launches him up into the air. Maintaining a grip on the hands, DT guides Mav back first to the board then rolls backwards into a full mount and begins to rain down forearm shots. With a hand slapped into a puddle on the ring, Long swings and splashes the Main Attraction in his eyes. He then rolls the pile over and begins to drop pointed elbows to the collarbone of his grounded foe. Death Trap catches the third elbow and pulls his foe into a head and arm triangle on the board and tries to squeeze the arm and neck of the king of wrestling into rubble.
Grandma Mary: Advanced cuddling technique!
Uncle: A bold strategy!
Hawke: That’s… that’s not what that is…
Cross Recoba: That’s a good tactic. You can’t win with a submission so wear down the body parts to make the pin easier.
Long plants his feet and launches his lower body into the air and drops both knees on the gut of the Seattle superstar. Exhaling in agony, the hold is broken by the submission expert. Jason launches into the air for a double knee drop but Trap rolls out of the way and he hits knees first on the solid wood board. DT rolls to his feet and swings a kick at the head of Long, which sails high when his plant leg skids forward and DT lands on his butt on the board.
Hawke: That’s about what I expected from this match.
Grandma Mary: Such athleticism! Surely this is the best wrestling on the network!
Hawke: … I’m sure this is the best you’ve seen, yes.
Grandma Mary: Certainly tonight it is!
Uncle: Did anyone else hear the distant sound of a knife being sharpened?
Cross Recoba: I mean, Zoran did LOSE tonight so is she really saying anything inaccurate?
Both men are wary as they get to their feet. They grapple, and DT sends Long sprinting to the corner with an Irish Whip to the Irish Superstar. DT charges in and the whole board tips as DT slips and ends up with both legs sliding under the ropes, crotching himself on the ring post and hitting his face on the crotch of Long. Long then collapses into the turnbuckle due to the pitch of the board and ends up sitting on DT’s chest. Both men wheeze in agony and one can almost hear them cursing Memaw under their breath.
Uncle: *holds up a sign with an 8 on it.*
Grandma Mary: *Holds up a sign with a 9 on it*
Hawke: *Holds up a sign that says, “Y?”
Grandma Mary: Joseph, that is a terrible score.
Cross Recoba: Why are you supporting this farce?
Mav begins to crawl his way to the middle of the board as it slowly pitches back to level. DT pulls himself out of the corner on the bottom ropes and rolls onto his stomach. He pushes to his hands and knees and narrowly avoids a curb stomp attempt from Long. He tackles the Irish star to the mat and gets into full guard. He begins to launch full blown potatoes at his foe and tries to swell the eyes up. Papito tries to see if a closed fist is being used but he just can’t get his boat in good position. Long manages to turtle up and then shove the bigger star off to the side. With a kip up, he sprints to the ropes and as DT stands, Long springboards off with a dropkick to the chest of DT. He follows up by twisting the leg of the master of the dragon sleeper with a spinning leg crush. Working quickly, he pulls the same left leg up and DDT’s the foot to the wooden board.
Hawke: Jason Long getting some offense going. He missed with the big finish but now is working over the same legs that Jack Diamond really tormented last week.
Grandma Mary: That sure was a great Twisty Dee!
Cross Recoba: He’s doing his best to make last week’s match count. A good superstar knows the weaknesses of their opponents and takes full advantage.
DT kicks him away and pulls back towards the corner. As Long charges in, the board pitches and DT is able to use the stumble from Long to pull him via his own momentum, chest first into the turnbuckle. Trap stands up behind Long and hits him with a snap inverted suplex, slamming Jason on his chest. He then holds the grapple and snaps Long up into a seated dragon sleeper. He really begins to squeeze the neck of the injured Tapout star.
Cross Recoba: Jason needs to get free of this, Trap can’t win with his submissions but the neck issues are threatening to end Long’s career. We don’t want that to happen at Tapout.
Hawke: Indeed. DT has shown an unusually aggressive style this tournament as he has dealt with a sudden losing streak after his historic tag title run.
Grandma Mary: Why is the Irishman sniffing poor David’s armpit? Is this a European thing?
Uncle: Now ma, don’t kink shame.
Cross Recoba: … I don’t know how to respond to that …
*Uncle raises his arms up to Cross who waves him off with a grimace*
Uncle: Just trying to be neighborly, sir.
Long struggles and begins to use his feet to pull DT toward the ropes. However the board is wet and he isn’t getting enough traction to move the 260 pound Main Attraction. He tries to push to his feet to get a vertical base, but Trap snaps him backwards with a reverse DDT style drop and grapevines the body to really sink in the dragon sleeper. Mav flails and grabs at his neck in agony as Death Trap laughs maniacally and tells him there’s no escape. Thinking quickly, the Wexford native throws his free hand into the puddle near him and splashes DT in the eyes again!
Grandma Mary: HE GAVE HIM A SPLOOSH TO THE FACE!
Uncle: … Ma?
Cross Recoba: … I mean it would be wrong of me to kink shame them now too.
The hold broken, Long rolls away from his attacker and to the corner. DT slowly gets the water from his eyes and Long works the kinks out of his neck. As DT gets to his feet, Jason storms in with a running double knee facebreaker. The XHF Legend bounces off his knees and to the mat. Long immediately leaps up to the top rope and makes sure to catch his balance before leaping off with a swanton 450 splash!
Grandma Mary: A FLIPPITY DOO!
Cross Recoba: That is the cataclysm, an appropriate name for a devastating flying maneuver!
Uncle: We did our research Mr. Recoba!
Grandma Mary: Will he follow it up with a Flippity doo dah day?
Long instead hooks both legs and puts all his weight onto the pin. Papito pounds a cushion next to his arm on his boat.
ONE!
TWO-DT kicks out
Long snaps his fingers in frustration. He pulls the elder statesman to his feet and begins to send a flurry of jabs to the face of DT. Trap retaliates with a high roundhouse, which Long blocks. A flurry of kicks to the ribs and stomach stun the Master of the Dragon Sleeper. Long lifts him up with a fireman’s carry. Possibly looking for an ushigoroshi. The Main Attraction wriggles and begins to elbow the head of Long. He manages to drop behind Jason and hits a half nelson suplex, planting his foe on the back of his injured neck. He follows it up with a shining wizard to the face.
Hawke: THE BREAKDOWN!
Grandma Mary: What a combo! He got out of that piggyback ride and hit a slammy wham and a knee slap!
Cross Recoba: … Indeed … a slammy wham and a knee slap … Truly DT knows some incredible techniques.
Death Trap crawls into a pin!
ONE!
TW-the two of them slide towards the corner as the plank pitches with the weight of the fighters. Long grabs the bottom rope.
Papito calls for the break. Death Trap slowly rolls off of Long and facepalms. He climbs up to the middle rope looking for a big impact. Jason puts his hands up under the feet of DT and sits up, sending DT up and over the top rope to the edge of the board that would be the apron. It looks like DT might fall but a pink gloved hand reaches from out of the water and braces him.
Cross Recoba: Did anybody else see that?
Uncle: See what? All I see is the increasingly turbulent waves!
Hawke: Cross?
Cross mumbles under his breath as Long rolls to his feet and hits a leaping rope assisted high roundhouse to the face of DT. The former global tag champ slumps over the top rope and gets hooked quickly for a suplex back into the ring with a crash! Mav rolls back into the mount and begins to smother DT’s mouth with a grinding elbow. DT shoves him off but Long quickly pounces on the left leg of his opponent and locks in a rolling knee bar. DT howls in agony and slams his hands on the mat trying to find the nearest ropes.
Grandma Mary: A devastating leg cuddle!
Cross Recoba: Remind me never to engage in any … “cuddling” with you CAR folks. No offense.
Uncle: I knew you Europeans weren’t huggers!
Hawke: Death Trap is in real danger. Jack Diamond devastated his legs last week and at his advanced age and in ring experience, this is going to take away his already unstable vertical base!
Cross Recoba: And I’ll be taking notes here.
DT uses his size advantage to army crawl and drag his way to the ropes to break the hold. Long acquiesces but lifts the leg and slams the left knee into the board. The crowd begins to chant for the former Maverick. The Icon wastes no time in soaking in the chants while dragging DT from the ropes and lifting that left leg and stomping into the hamstring. He tries a second time only for the technical wizard to send a right leg upkick to the chin. A second stomp to the leg is more successful the second time. A third attempt is met by a second upkick, sending Long sprawling onto his butt. Long rolls back and gets to his feet as DT tries to stand. Jason ducks through the ropes then springboards to the top rope and off with an overcastle!
Grandma Mary: THE FLIPPITY DOO DAH DAY!
Cross Recoba: *groans* I don’t want to insinuate my respect for you is waning but …
Grandma Mary: Good then don’t! Mr. Longbottom is looking for another Twisteriffic!
Hawke: Longbottom?
Uncle: The girls are into Harry Potter …
Long has both of DT’s legs tied up and is using a form of a gator roll to throttle the knees of the possibly arthritic star. DT rolls with him, shouting out, until he can reach the bottom rope again. Using his powerful hips, he swings Jason under the ropes and tries to dump him in the (possibly?) shark-infested waters. Long quickly releases the legs and grabs onto the ropes as the plank now dips precariously down and the water comes up over the edge. Thinking quickly, DT rolls away from the edge and stands up on his right leg, holding his left in the air. He shakes it out and waits for Long to climb to his feet. The Icon drops down as DT hobbles in and the momentum, wet boards and pitching of the board send DT over the top rope and as he tumbles, Jason pulls up on the ropes and sends a dropkick between the ropes to the chest of the falling legend sending him off the board with a SPLASH!
Grandma Mary: FOOTPOKE OF DOOM INTO A SPLOOOOOOSH!
Hawke: Did we check if there are sharks in this water?
Cross Recoba: DT isn’t exactly the shape or build of a blubbery seal, to be fair.
DT begins to drift away from the ring. Jason Long backs up into the center of the ring and laughs.
Hawke: I’m being informed if DT can’t get back to the ring he will be considered to have abandoned the match and lose.
Grandma Mary: I never issued that rule!
Uncle: Did you really think Mongo wouldn’t have some say in this, ma?
Suddenly DT begins to get back to the board. His arms are pumping but he is moving very fast. He gets to the board and rolls into the ring as if shoved. This time we see a top have of a pink scuba suit. The person in it is short and stacked.
Cross Recoba: Okay now you all saw THAT right?
Grandma Mary: I don’t know what you mean, hon!
Uncle: Papito there seems to have seen nothing, so I guess it’s all good!
The Icon charges, cautiously on the slippery board, and aims for his curb stomp. DT again uses the ropes to pull himself along the slippery board. He swings his foot and kicks out the leg of Maverick. Death Trap slowly pulls to his feet. Jason Long kips up and cracks his neck before charging at DT … right into-
Hawke: The Hard Sell!!! Death Trap just kicks Jason Long’s head clean off with that back spin kick!
Cross Recoba: That cannot be good for that neck of Jason’s. He needs to get to safety.
Grandma Mary: That was far too violent for this show, why did he do that Spinny-Doodle?
Uncle: He wants to win that belt Cross is holding, obviously.
Both men are down. DT is rubbing his left leg trying to get blood flowing. Jason is on the board holding his twisted neck. DT crawls his way over and rolls Jason onto his back. He hooks a leg.
ONE!
TWO!
TH-kickout.
Cross Recoba: Jason has no quit in him. It’s how he managed to get this far.
DT sits up and holds his head in shock. He slowly gets to his feet and shakes out the wobbly left leg. He slowly pulls Jason up and gets snagged in a schoolboy! DT kicks out at two and Jason flows into a schoolboy suplex! Both men remain down again. This time it’s the catalyst who is to his feet first, holding his ailing neck. He stalks DT as the legend rises. He hooks the arm from behind and shoves DT out, ripcord lariat!
Grandma Mary: Spinny Smack! Hung him out to dry!
Cross Recoba: The Blade Runner II! That is a great way to try and use the concussion history of Death Trap to win! We’re down to the wire here.
Hawke: Going to be a spectacular finish here.
Long drops into a pin!
ONE!
TWO!
DT gets his foot on the ropes.
Long slams his hand on the mat in disappointment. He reaches down to DT who swings his legs up and locks in a hanging double arm bar! Using his weight and the pitch of the board, DT pulls Long forward trying to dislocate the shoulders and ends up sending him stumbling and landing neck first on the middle rope. Trap rolls backward and grabs the head of Mav and pulls him down on the middle rope to choke him and torque the neck. Papito begins to count the five count as DT gets more and more aggressive with the choke until 4.99. Jason crumples back into the ring and holds his neck in his hands. DT charges in and looks for a dragon sleeper. Long though struggles and fights him, so DT grabs the arm and rains down hammer and anvil elbows to the side of the head, putting immense pressure on that injured neck. Finally he pulls Long up and spins him for the Main Attraction! He struggles to keep his footing until Long drops out of the cradle and hits a northern lights fisherman suplex! DT crashes to the mat and his leg bends at an odd angle again.
Grandma Mary: Oh what a pretty throw.
Uncle: I think Mr. Long just saved himself from the same thing Death Trap did to Donzig.
Hawke: But Long can’t capitalize!
Indeed both men are down again. Both crawl to opposite sides of the ring and drape under the bottom rope. DT again seems to have that pink suited scuba swimmer pop up and begin to pat him on the arm and try to pep him up. He nods a few times and pulls away from the ropes. He turns and stumbles, hopping on one leg. He pulls the icon up to his feet and-
Cross Recoba: Stacked Deck from Jason Long! He used his icon buddy’s finishing maneuver and DT is down.
Hawke: What a brilliant counter from the Catalyst!
The Best Bout Machine stumbles to the mat, holding his neck. He crawls away and calls out to the crowd. He gears up his elbow… looking for the Esto Perpetua. He swings the back elbow as DT rises and Trap just manages to duck, catch the arm and-
Hawke: CUT THE STRINGS! DT with that same cutter to Jason Long who took a huge twist of the neck on that move!
Grandma Mary: What was that, some kind of … kiss my shoulder move?
DT slowly rolls Mav over … Papito counts!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-Long JUST pops the shoulder off the mat. DT grabs his head in shock.
Trap holds three fingers up to Papito but the ref holds firm at 2. The Seattle Sensation slowly turns that shocked expression into a scowl. He stomps on the back of the neck of Long a few times. He pulls Long to his feet and the man is barely able to stand. DT begins to mouth off at him until Long kicks him in the left knee, which buckles … sending DT’s face right into a King Slayer bicycle knee.
Grandma Mary: OH NO HE RUNG HIS BELL!
Cross Recoba: It is very similar to Mistress’s Final Bell but that was the Kingslayer. And this is academic.
It would be if Long could capitalize. He crumples in a heap holding his neck. DT is able to scoot to the ropes again. Long pounds the ring in frustration and tries to massage life into his neck. Long is able to slowly crawl to the ropes. He reaches under and grabs DT’s left leg. He drags him by the limp appendage into the ring and hauls him up to his feet. He hooks the arm and head for a brainbuster. He lifts, but DT pokes him in the eyes. Out of desperation DT now lifts for a suplex but Long manages to twist free at the expense of that neck and hit a corkscrew stunner! While the Main Attraction stumbles and leans on the top rope, Long remains seated, favoring that neck again. He begins to rally as the crowd comes alive and chant his name. He pumps his arms slowly and begins to rise. He turns and ducks a clothesline from DT and catches him with a neckbreaker. He rallies to his feet again as DT pops off the mat holding his own neck. He hooks him again! Setting up that Sheer drop brainbuster!
Hawke: This is it! It’s over!
He tries to lift but DT tightens that arm draped on the neck and pulls back. Long drops DT to the mat on his feet. And DT immediately lifts him into the cradle. Long fights it and struggles … until he is dropped right on the crown of his head with the Main Attraction as DT’s left leg gives out on the move. Long isn’t moving. DT is holding his leg in agony. He slowly rolls over and using all his might, hooks a leg.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING DING!
Cross Recoba: Hmm … indeed. Well if you’ll excuse me I am going to go head out and alter a press release. And then study up on my leg submissions.
Cross leaves the commentary with his myriad of belts as Papito leaps into the ring and raises DT’s arm. Neither man is moving.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, as a result of a pinfall. Your winner of the 2023 End of Days tournament, the first ever 2 time winner, and going on to face Cross Recoba in the main event of the payperview next week … The Main Attraction … DEATH TRAP!
Hawke: DT did it! He makes history as the first ever two time EOD winner!
Grandma Mary: WOO HOO! CAR WINS AGAIN! WHAT A FANTASTIC NIGHT THIS IS! Zoran loses, CAR wins the EOD! And now a race to end the night! Everything’s coming up CAR!
The medics race to the ring in their speedboat as neither man can move. The pink scuba suit leaps into one of the boats, the helmet comes off showing Dr. Chaos.
Hawke: But at what cost? DT looks like he can barely move. And Long hasn’t so much as shifted since that Main Attraction onto the hard wood.
Uncle: It did look like the leg giving out made the move hit at a weird angle didn’t it?
The medics tend to both men and are able to drag them both into the more stable speedboat to get them medical attention.
Hawke: One week from tonight, from Sacramento, California, the XHF Network brings to you END OF DAYS 2023! The big PPV finale! We've been building to this for four weeks now, running from Utah to New York to Paris to Cali, with help from Tapout, Dinosaur Bones, Wrestle: UK, and now Competitive Automotive Racing! We are left now with two huge matches for the End of Days card. In fact let's run down that card now before I leave the booth to go tend to my broken partner, Randy.
Grandma Mary: It's only his liquor that was broken. He actually seems quite invigorated according to the medic report here. He asked me to ask you to bring him a barrel of super sake.
Hawke: Yes ... well ... anyway the big card! We open proceedings with a number one contendership match from the folks at Diamond Training Facility! It's Big meaty men slapping meat! BEEEEEEEEEEEEF vs. Andrej von Grapple! The winner will get the next DTF Title opportunity!
*A loud cheer from the DTF fans in the audience. A chant of BEEF BEEF BEEF BEEF! erupts. More of the crowd reply with "We Want Grapple!" clap clap clapclapclap.*
Hawke: Following that we have the typical Kira deathmatch weirdness of J-Rok with a Bobbing for Apples Deathmatch! I'm being told the contract we saw signed earlier today is for a YTA Championship match ... a ... tag match? Mischief Express vs. Epcot Mafia! ... Why does this sound like another excuse to beat up Marty Donovan?
Grandma Mary: I'm just saying, he gets beat up a lot less supporting Ollie here in CAR than he does over in those barbaric places. Glad he isn't over in GUNS, they don't respect real talent there.
Hawke: After those two fed headed matches we get to the XHF Branded titles on the show. All five are up for grabs and we open the set with the Phoenix Championship! Mr. GUNS Redmond Fury takes on Rival Recruiter Ozawa, and likely some paid off scabs. Following that we get an EOD quarterfinal AND previous Hardcore title rematch for Steve Awesome's hardcore title! He will defend against XHF's own Murder Lizard, Jesse Jamester. Up third we have the match for the XHF Global tag team championships! We now know the champions Obsidian Death Squad will be defending against the Annihilator winners, the HardKore World team of The End, who we saw defeat El Rey and Zoran Sainovic-
Grandma Mary: YOU LOST, SIR! CAR WINS OVER ZORAN ONCE AGAIN! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hawke: Quite. After that is what has become one of the most competitive titles in XHF History. El Rey begins his second reign by taking on uh ... Dinosaur Bones? Is that the wrestler or the fed? Both? How? ... Nevermind. Our main event will feature Cross Recoba, defending his newly won X*Crown title against XHF Legend and CAR wrestler, Death Trap. He and Jason Long just finished a brutal match where neither one was able to leave under their own power. How this will affect DT going in remains to be seen. Be sure to tune in next Sunday for END OF DAYS! I now leave you for the rest of this show in the capable hands of Mary and ... uh ... her son. What is his name again?
*his mic cuts as Mary ushers him off the booth to go to Randy Angel in the medic area*
Grandma Mary: Avast me Hearties! The race is upon us!
Uncle: This CAR Cup Race is for the Athletic Cup!
One of the young men dressed as Pirates of the Caribbean extra holds up a golden jock strap.
Grandma Mary: Aye, you Landlubber! First up is a pack of SeaDogs!
A pack of dogs sits in a speed boat that is idling high.
Uncle: Who is actually driving that thing?
Grandma Mary: Shows how much you know! You don’t drive a boat, you steer it. Next you’ll be asking where to park it!
Uncle: Who is at the helm, then?
Grandma Mary: Next up is the Angry Mad Chemists in… The ChemisBOATinator?
It’s a cybertruck with two heavy, high-tech looking pontoons on the side.
Uncle: I’m concerned the chemists have a poor understanding of physics. That thing looks like it will float as well as the-
Grandma Mary: I’m introducing the crews! Please welcome the triple R, who are in… a submersible.
...That is purported to be The OceanGate Titan minisub.
Uncle: That is dark.
Grandma Mary: It does have one window. Next to RRR, is our final entrent, Team Wood!
Uncle: What a beautiful historic boat!
The boat is evidently based on the Vietnam War era Patrol Boat, River, sharing the distinctively bulky hull, roof and radar dome, although the latter is mounted on the rear of the cabin.
The vehicle features a large rigid hull with an elevated cabin compartment on the middle section, metal frames supporting a large roof and an open back for access, along with two metal walls on the aft section. Numerous lifebuoys can be seen around the cabin area, as well as a tall radar dome behind with a US flag attached to it. The boat is fitted with small lights on the sides of the cabin compartment and on the stern that illuminate when the lights are on, along with two large front-facing spotlights beside the cabin compartment that work when switching to high-beam lights. The bridge of the boat is mostly traditional with a worn/metal appearance and uses "Truck" analog dials like most boats, while the right section has a fire extinguisher and what looks like an access door leading to the cabin area, mostly covered by a tarpaulin.
The vehicle is usually seen with a worn appearance and a shark teeth pinup on the bow. It is set to spawn in a dark green primary color applied on the upper half of the hull, as well as a dark red secondary color on the lower half of the hull.
The boat is armed with twin machine guns mounted on a front rotating tub and a single shielded machine gun turret on the aft section, all of them resembling Browning M2HB .50 caliber machine guns.
Grandma Mary: Listen up, crews! Y’all are to head out to that green BOO-E, it’s dressed as a goblin for Halloween, go around it and come back here. First back wins.
CAR ATHLETIC CUP RACE
Speedboat Race
Angry
She lifts a conch shell horn and starts the race.
Grandma Mary lowers the shell and raises, discreetly, a remote controller. She turns it on and it blinks red, as does a light on the boat of The SeaDogs.
Uncle: And the boats are sliding down the ramp into the water.
Grandma Mary: The Chemists!
Uncle: have sunk.
Grandma Mary: I see their antenna still and it’s moving. Team Wood is moving faster than them and somehow the submarine is staying above the water line.
Uncle: For the best, I think. The dogs are pulling ahead. I’ve lost the Chemists.
CAR Radio:
Billy: Anchors Aweigh! And here we … GOOOOOOOoooooooo….
Ovi: …wow he just sank straight to the bottom didn’t he?
Ian: That’s … that’s chaos theory right there.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh hush, Spike and PRICE are nowhere near California right now.
Grandma Mary: If they can’t get their vehicle back up to the surface, we may have to disqualify them.
Uncle: I don’t recall that in the rules. Team Wood has passed the SeaDogs as they approach the green goblin.
Radio:
Greg Adkins: Oh yeah. We gonna kill all them bitches!
Frank Jones: Kind of difficult when we loaded the guns with rubber bullets.
Greg Adkins: We’re gonna concuss them bitches?
Frank Jones: Maybe.
Grandma Mary: Team wood has open fire on the sub.
Uncle: What! But they’re in the lead!
Grandma Mary: Well, they can’t very well shoot at dogs, now can they? They have a thing for bitches. Unless you think not-Floridaman is a bitch?
Uncle: They are around the green goblin and on their way back to the barge. The sub is taking evasive maneuvers by sinking further into the water.
Grandma Mary: A dangerous game! That thing does not look rated for going very deep.
Uncle: Too soon. In a bid to distract you, we took a vote on CAR’s favorite color. Suggestions included blue, red, yellow and purple.
Grandma Mary: Pink is by far the winner though. Oh! I think I see the Chemists. They are coming back up the ramp.
Uncle: What! They didn’t go around the green goblin.
Grandma Mary: Pink is CAR’s favorite color.
Uncle: I just said- no you’re right. We should discuss the best shade of pink until this race ends.
Grandma Mary: And, OH fiddlesticks… we have a winner, you landlubbers!
*She angrily places down a remote controller*
Uncle: Wait, really? That was a short race.
Grandma Mary: The XHF values all representatives and CAR knows each of our crews is a unique success.
Uncle: Debatable.
Grandma Mary: Success can be interrupted in a few ways. For example, AMC has won the fastest time.
Uncle: They didn’t finish the race. They have to be disqualified.
Grandma Mary: The winner of the Athletic Cup is another measurement of success. A great showing by Team Wood! The SeaDogs managed a close second!
Uncle: And what did the sub win?
Grandma Mary: That is impolite to discuss. But they did complete the race, and have resurfaced… intact.
Uncle: Low bar.
Grandma Mary: Is it?
Uncle: Thank you to all the crews that were able to join us this month. A wonderful job! And thank you for all the creative problem solving we were able to include.
Grandma Mary: Please join CAR next month for our final Sippy Cup Qualifier of the year!
*We cut to the medic area where Randy is sucking on a baby bottle full of sake as he rocks in the fetal position. Funaki lies next to him in a full body cast from hitting the water at high speed. Joey stands up with a portable microphone next to him.*
Hawke: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you to everyone who participated in this year's tournaments. We appreciate you all and applaud your efforts. We hope you enjoyed these romps through your fellow feds and also hope you will join us next week for the big finale pay-per-view. Six title matches and a number one contender's match promise to be a HUGE show an we eagerly anticipate the efforts of our champions and challengers alike! I'm Joey Hawke, signing off for Mongo and Bonnie, Randy and Funaki, and of course Grandma Mary Beahr and ... uh ... Uncle ... Beahr. See you next time!
*Fade out*
"Seriously did anyone think to get his name?"
CREDITS AND THANKS
Intro and Outro - Dave D-Flipz
Tourney Reviews - Dave D-Flipz
DT v Long - Dave D-Flipz
Sainovic and Son v The End - Jesse, Marty, and Dave D-Flipz
Athletic Cup Race - h2f
Drunken Sailor segment - Dave D-Flipz and h2f
HKW Segment - Marty and Flo
Main Event Prep Segment - Mav and Cross
Steve Awesome segment - Steve Awesome
Commentary - Dave D-Flipz and h2f
Music choices - h2f
Intro and Outro - Dave D-Flipz
Tourney Reviews - Dave D-Flipz
DT v Long - Dave D-Flipz
Sainovic and Son v The End - Jesse, Marty, and Dave D-Flipz
Athletic Cup Race - h2f
Drunken Sailor segment - Dave D-Flipz and h2f
HKW Segment - Marty and Flo
Main Event Prep Segment - Mav and Cross
Steve Awesome segment - Steve Awesome
Commentary - Dave D-Flipz and h2f
Music choices - h2f