Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Oct 27, 2023 21:12:28 GMT -5
*An empty stage. A single microphone. Soon a patterned rumble rings out. Cups holding water get rings in them. A large dracolich that is also his own federation somehow lumbers onto the stage. It approaches the microphone and tries to reach out to it with tiny ineffective arms. Eventually leaning in instead, Dinosaur Bones starts the show.*
DB: HELLO PAST AND FUTURE MEALS! TODAY WE’VE GOT A REAL MOUTH-WATERING SET FOR YOU! HE’S DELICIOUS, HE’S NUTRITIOUS, HE IS THE DARK LORD OF COMEDY….LORD DOMINICUS!
*A single set of hands clap as DB lumbers off and is replaced by the REAL number one contender of WUK, Lord Domincius. He takes a confident stand at the front as he grabs the microphone.*
LD: So did you here this? It would seem that the powers that be in Wrestle: United Kingdom REALLY like watching Wesley Crane get embarrassed. I mean, that’s the only explanation I could think of for why they’d book his team of losers versus my team.
“Wait, we have a match?”
LD: Will you hold on? So Crane challenged me to bring a team of three others to face off against him. Did I bring my team? Of course not! I went with some people who are even more expendable.
“What do you mean by more expendable?”
LD: But honestly, the team doesn’t matter against a group like this. I mean we’ve got Wesley Crane, a man who both seeks holiness and yet glorifies in being the bad guy. I thought that Holy Roller thing was just a name but all his friends are talking about Jesus. Then again…
*He DominiThinks.*
LD: Maybe this match is Crane’s way of turning the other cheek. After all, I beat his buns last show so he’s turning from his buttcheeks to his face ones so that we can pound that in as well!
“It’s funny because his butt and his face look the same!”
LD: Hey lady, this is my set. But enough about Crane- I think I already showed how much I think of him as I handed him the only loss in his group. Gotta love when the leader is the one who comes home empty-handed. But what about his teammates? The other Wesley and his partner? Rage and Cage? I don’t know what they’re supposed to be and I don’t think they do either.
*Beat.*
LD: Really, how else do you interpret their stuff? Rage and Cage promos feel like they were written and directed by Sean Hannity trying to prove how liberal he is now so that CNN will hire him.
*We quickly cut to Big Bone, another of LD’s cohorts, sat at a drum set. He quickly fires off a rimshot. Back to Dominicus!*
LD: After watching a few promos between Crane and Rage I’m starting to understand why the Star Trek fandom loves saying, “Shut up, Wesley!”
*Rimshot.*
“Ha! I wrote that one!”
LD: Look I’m not one to judge, but when some of your friends are basically preachers and the others are trying to false flag a sexual orientation war maybe you’ve got some issues.
*Dominicus walks around shrugging off the comment he just made.*
LD: Rounding out the group of W’s who can’t weasel their way into winning is Warrick. Warrick’s got about as much personality as this microphone here- that is to say that all he’s good for is amplifying whatever nonsense the others are spewing.
*A rimshot fires off.*
LD: “Oh what’s your role in the group?” “I’m the big guy.” Wow, great resume there, man. I’m sure that’ll take you far in the territory level. But who knows, maybe as he makes his legacy more clear he’ll be able to step out of the shadow of his partners and uh- beat them for being such an embarrassment every time they open their mouths.
“Tell more jokes!”
LD: You want a joke? Let’s talk MY team for this match. Now obviously since I’m on it, the odds are dramatically better- and I’ve got no issues with Kasper. But when I got told to assemble a team my first thought was, “Well, luckily there’s nobody worse than the Holy Rollers- except for the Glucks.” That’s when my phone rang.
*Rimshot.*
LD: Luckily I don’t need to spend too many words to describe the Brothers Gluck. In fact I only need one…
*He pauses as the audience waits in anticipation. Then he leans in…*
LD: …Deliverance.
*Big Bone fires off another rimshot on the drum set.*
LD: But I suppose it’s not a real victory if I’m able to just walk it. So instead the powers that be have tied my team’s hands behind our backs with two confederate flags. Is this just me or does that sound like a set up? I mean consider this, against me I’ve got a group that’s “holier than thou,” clearly conservatives doing some kind of minstrel lgbt show, and on my team are boys who have nightmares about General Sherman finally catching up to them. If this match was any more south we’d be in El Paso.
*He shakes his head.*
LD: But that’s fine. If the Glucks can stay out of Kasper and I’s way and pretend that Rage and Cage are an actual sexual minority and not some bad parody then maybe they’ll be able to muscle past the dog whistling that RC non-cola will be trying in their promo.
*Dominicus shakes his head.*
LD: But thank goodness for Kasper. I bet she’s down for anything, especially if it means teaming up with TRUE LEGEND like myself and beating the faces in of the nonsense we’re fighting against- and if need be the nonsense we’re fighting with. I wonder what she thinks of masks….
*He DominiThinks again.*
LD: All jokes aside though. This match is a great example of WHY this company needs me. Imagine a team of the only two “liberals” to show up on January 6th, a wanna-be born again who demands that he’s more BAD than I am, their mostly silent partner, going against a DARK LORD, the most promising young talent here beside myself, and then the most southern of southern boys. Man, nothing says Wrestling and United Kingdom than that!
*A rimshot is fired off.*
LD: I’m here to clean up this company, and if I have to drag two idiots and Kasper to a win against four idiots to do it I will. And Crane, one last note for you-
*He looks directly at the camera.*
LD: There’s bad- which you’re so proud to be. Fine, you’re welcome to be bad. You can join the ranks of Eric Dane and “Antiquated” Alex Turner. Go ahead and be bad. But me? I’m EVIL. I am the DARKEST OF DARKS- though hopefully the Glucks don’t confused by that. And I intend to show you that EVIL always triumphs over bad. And you’re team? It’s all bad.
*Lord Dominicus then drops the mic and walks off the stage. Fade out.*
DB: HELLO PAST AND FUTURE MEALS! TODAY WE’VE GOT A REAL MOUTH-WATERING SET FOR YOU! HE’S DELICIOUS, HE’S NUTRITIOUS, HE IS THE DARK LORD OF COMEDY….LORD DOMINICUS!
*A single set of hands clap as DB lumbers off and is replaced by the REAL number one contender of WUK, Lord Domincius. He takes a confident stand at the front as he grabs the microphone.*
LD: So did you here this? It would seem that the powers that be in Wrestle: United Kingdom REALLY like watching Wesley Crane get embarrassed. I mean, that’s the only explanation I could think of for why they’d book his team of losers versus my team.
“Wait, we have a match?”
LD: Will you hold on? So Crane challenged me to bring a team of three others to face off against him. Did I bring my team? Of course not! I went with some people who are even more expendable.
“What do you mean by more expendable?”
LD: But honestly, the team doesn’t matter against a group like this. I mean we’ve got Wesley Crane, a man who both seeks holiness and yet glorifies in being the bad guy. I thought that Holy Roller thing was just a name but all his friends are talking about Jesus. Then again…
*He DominiThinks.*
LD: Maybe this match is Crane’s way of turning the other cheek. After all, I beat his buns last show so he’s turning from his buttcheeks to his face ones so that we can pound that in as well!
“It’s funny because his butt and his face look the same!”
LD: Hey lady, this is my set. But enough about Crane- I think I already showed how much I think of him as I handed him the only loss in his group. Gotta love when the leader is the one who comes home empty-handed. But what about his teammates? The other Wesley and his partner? Rage and Cage? I don’t know what they’re supposed to be and I don’t think they do either.
*Beat.*
LD: Really, how else do you interpret their stuff? Rage and Cage promos feel like they were written and directed by Sean Hannity trying to prove how liberal he is now so that CNN will hire him.
*We quickly cut to Big Bone, another of LD’s cohorts, sat at a drum set. He quickly fires off a rimshot. Back to Dominicus!*
LD: After watching a few promos between Crane and Rage I’m starting to understand why the Star Trek fandom loves saying, “Shut up, Wesley!”
*Rimshot.*
“Ha! I wrote that one!”
LD: Look I’m not one to judge, but when some of your friends are basically preachers and the others are trying to false flag a sexual orientation war maybe you’ve got some issues.
*Dominicus walks around shrugging off the comment he just made.*
LD: Rounding out the group of W’s who can’t weasel their way into winning is Warrick. Warrick’s got about as much personality as this microphone here- that is to say that all he’s good for is amplifying whatever nonsense the others are spewing.
*A rimshot fires off.*
LD: “Oh what’s your role in the group?” “I’m the big guy.” Wow, great resume there, man. I’m sure that’ll take you far in the territory level. But who knows, maybe as he makes his legacy more clear he’ll be able to step out of the shadow of his partners and uh- beat them for being such an embarrassment every time they open their mouths.
“Tell more jokes!”
LD: You want a joke? Let’s talk MY team for this match. Now obviously since I’m on it, the odds are dramatically better- and I’ve got no issues with Kasper. But when I got told to assemble a team my first thought was, “Well, luckily there’s nobody worse than the Holy Rollers- except for the Glucks.” That’s when my phone rang.
*Rimshot.*
LD: Luckily I don’t need to spend too many words to describe the Brothers Gluck. In fact I only need one…
*He pauses as the audience waits in anticipation. Then he leans in…*
LD: …Deliverance.
*Big Bone fires off another rimshot on the drum set.*
LD: But I suppose it’s not a real victory if I’m able to just walk it. So instead the powers that be have tied my team’s hands behind our backs with two confederate flags. Is this just me or does that sound like a set up? I mean consider this, against me I’ve got a group that’s “holier than thou,” clearly conservatives doing some kind of minstrel lgbt show, and on my team are boys who have nightmares about General Sherman finally catching up to them. If this match was any more south we’d be in El Paso.
*He shakes his head.*
LD: But that’s fine. If the Glucks can stay out of Kasper and I’s way and pretend that Rage and Cage are an actual sexual minority and not some bad parody then maybe they’ll be able to muscle past the dog whistling that RC non-cola will be trying in their promo.
*Dominicus shakes his head.*
LD: But thank goodness for Kasper. I bet she’s down for anything, especially if it means teaming up with TRUE LEGEND like myself and beating the faces in of the nonsense we’re fighting against- and if need be the nonsense we’re fighting with. I wonder what she thinks of masks….
*He DominiThinks again.*
LD: All jokes aside though. This match is a great example of WHY this company needs me. Imagine a team of the only two “liberals” to show up on January 6th, a wanna-be born again who demands that he’s more BAD than I am, their mostly silent partner, going against a DARK LORD, the most promising young talent here beside myself, and then the most southern of southern boys. Man, nothing says Wrestling and United Kingdom than that!
*A rimshot is fired off.*
LD: I’m here to clean up this company, and if I have to drag two idiots and Kasper to a win against four idiots to do it I will. And Crane, one last note for you-
*He looks directly at the camera.*
LD: There’s bad- which you’re so proud to be. Fine, you’re welcome to be bad. You can join the ranks of Eric Dane and “Antiquated” Alex Turner. Go ahead and be bad. But me? I’m EVIL. I am the DARKEST OF DARKS- though hopefully the Glucks don’t confused by that. And I intend to show you that EVIL always triumphs over bad. And you’re team? It’s all bad.
*Lord Dominicus then drops the mic and walks off the stage. Fade out.*
