Post by flo on Oct 30, 2023 18:06:31 GMT -5
Bubblegum attaches a farthing to the ceiling of a Best-one convenience store.
Florida Man:
My fortune is so close... yet so far away.
Not understanding British currency, or why the farthing would go out of circulation over eighty years earlier - The Sunshine State Stud becomes obsessed with collecting the coin. The ceiling is about twelve feet up. He's tried jumping. He tried knocking it down by hitting it with merchandise, but these Best-one staff aren't as cool as 711 about throwing shit. Far more stuffy sensibilities in these Floridian colonies.
Florida Man:
That's like what, a hundred feet up?
Your friendly neighbourhood arsonist both sucks at math, and has severe vertigo.
Gazoo:
The ladder will cover the gap, Flo.
The ladder.
Positioned directly under the farthing, it is a short climb to collect the massive wealth.
Florida Man:
This is it - we'll be on easy street.
For all his talk, Florida Man still hasn't taken the first step.
Gazoo:
I can do it if you want, Flo.
Florida Man:
Nah........ thanks Gaz, but baby steps.
A crippling fear of heights. It would be really swell to take the commonwealth title from that prick Reese, just to teach him not to mess with other people's title matches. Beating Reese within an inch of his life isn't enough. Reese is the kind of lowlife that can only learn a lesson when he has something taken away. ...And the commonwealth championship is certainly something. After an eternity of stalling, Florida Man takes a firm grip of the ladder, and climbs up the first rung.
Gazoo:
You're doing great, Flo-
Florida Man (looking down):
Thanks, Ga-
Whoa. They are incredibly high up. Does this Best-one have the same dimensions as Big Ben? Gazoo look like an ant down there. The room starts spinning. Despite only getting a foot off the ground, Florida Man's vertigo kicks into high gear. Before getting to the second rung, Florida Man blacks out - collapsing to the floor. Gazoo uses some smelling salts.
Florida Man:
Ladders. Why did it have to be ladders? My greatest weakness..... second only to ropes and three counts.
Gazoo:
It isn't getting any better, is it?
Florida Man:
I got an extra hundred feet closer this time, didn't I?
Gazoo:
Any clue how you're going to beat Reese?
Florida Man:
Imma have Rage & Cage run in, climb the ladder, grab the title and give it to me!
Gazoo:
That's a real cunning plan.
Florida Man:
See? No concussion on me.
Gazoo:
Only Rage and Cage are with the High Rollers and FAR more likely to do everything you just said to help Reese instead.
Florida Man:
Nuh, uh. Rage and Cage like helping people who have disabilities like me.... I have a seven foot penis and need all the help I can get... they wouldn't play me like that. Besides, I bought them a nice shirt on the last show.
Gazoo:
Yeah, I'm almost positive they considered that an insult, and you're in a blood feud with them. Any help that comes in your match is going Reese's way - so your best bet is the High Rollers are too badly beaten in the eight-man tag to interfere in your ladder match. Though from that Golden Dragon bit, Flo, they don't strike me as knowing the meaning of oversaturation.
Florida Man:
Well I still think they'll hand me the commonwealth, to keep me out of the world scene.
Gazoo:
That's right... the Battle of Britain shot. Has that win sunk in?
Florida Man:
I've been kind of focused on turning Reese's parents into a mince meat pie and tricking him into eating it. ...But that Battle of Britain win, kind of reminds me of the time I was on that game show....
A watery dissolve takes us to a game show set, that might not be real, as much as it is brain trauma.
Richard Dawson:
Now... Florida Man... you've won your weight in scratch 'n' win tickets. You can take them, go home, and rub 'em out. I'll even give you a quarter to help chip away at the laminate-
Florida Man:
SOLD!
Richard Dawson:
I'm not finished. Now Florida Man, you could take the tickets and walk... or you could keep playing.
Florida Man:
I'm gonna walk!
Richard Dawson:
Humour me, Florida Man. Let's see what you could win if you keep playing... you have three possible levels ahead of you. The first level is a match with Reese Preston for the commonwealth championship.
Florida Man:
I hate that guy! He cost me the tag titles-
Richard Dawson:
....in a ladder match!
Florida Man:
That could be a problem. I'm not too hot with heights.
Richard Dawson:
Well, you don't have to win the match, you could just convince the WUK crowd that you're a viable singles contender....
Florida Man:
No, I'd rather take his title. Fuck that guy.
Richard Dawson:
Regardless of the result, you then go through the next door where you get a rematch for the tag championship...
Florida Man:
Me and Marty are BFFs for life - you better believe we're taking that one to the bank.
Richard Dawson:
You could win there... or lose there, and then use your BoB prize to take on Rage & Cage again at the New Years Brawl!
Florida Man:
And take the Gluck's shot? Those dudes deserve revenge too.
Richard Dawson:
If you get past the commonwealth, and the tag, looking like a star but without picking up gold... you could challenge for the world at New Years Brawl!
Florida Man:
Or....................... I could just win all three!
Richard Dawson:
That's not going to happen.
Florida Man:
Yes it is!
The fiery determination causes another dissolve back to the Best-con, where the farthing falls off the ceiling, landing on Florida Man's crotch.
Florida Man:
See, Gaz? I don't need a ladder, I can only fail up.
Holding up the farthing, Florida Man is pretty sure he has enough money for three celebration parties.
Florida Man:
My fortune is so close... yet so far away.
Not understanding British currency, or why the farthing would go out of circulation over eighty years earlier - The Sunshine State Stud becomes obsessed with collecting the coin. The ceiling is about twelve feet up. He's tried jumping. He tried knocking it down by hitting it with merchandise, but these Best-one staff aren't as cool as 711 about throwing shit. Far more stuffy sensibilities in these Floridian colonies.
Florida Man:
That's like what, a hundred feet up?
Your friendly neighbourhood arsonist both sucks at math, and has severe vertigo.
Gazoo:
The ladder will cover the gap, Flo.
The ladder.
Positioned directly under the farthing, it is a short climb to collect the massive wealth.
Florida Man:
This is it - we'll be on easy street.
For all his talk, Florida Man still hasn't taken the first step.
Gazoo:
I can do it if you want, Flo.
Florida Man:
Nah........ thanks Gaz, but baby steps.
A crippling fear of heights. It would be really swell to take the commonwealth title from that prick Reese, just to teach him not to mess with other people's title matches. Beating Reese within an inch of his life isn't enough. Reese is the kind of lowlife that can only learn a lesson when he has something taken away. ...And the commonwealth championship is certainly something. After an eternity of stalling, Florida Man takes a firm grip of the ladder, and climbs up the first rung.
Gazoo:
You're doing great, Flo-
Florida Man (looking down):
Thanks, Ga-
Whoa. They are incredibly high up. Does this Best-one have the same dimensions as Big Ben? Gazoo look like an ant down there. The room starts spinning. Despite only getting a foot off the ground, Florida Man's vertigo kicks into high gear. Before getting to the second rung, Florida Man blacks out - collapsing to the floor. Gazoo uses some smelling salts.
Florida Man:
Ladders. Why did it have to be ladders? My greatest weakness..... second only to ropes and three counts.
Gazoo:
It isn't getting any better, is it?
Florida Man:
I got an extra hundred feet closer this time, didn't I?
Gazoo:
Any clue how you're going to beat Reese?
Florida Man:
Imma have Rage & Cage run in, climb the ladder, grab the title and give it to me!
Gazoo:
That's a real cunning plan.
Florida Man:
See? No concussion on me.
Gazoo:
Only Rage and Cage are with the High Rollers and FAR more likely to do everything you just said to help Reese instead.
Florida Man:
Nuh, uh. Rage and Cage like helping people who have disabilities like me.... I have a seven foot penis and need all the help I can get... they wouldn't play me like that. Besides, I bought them a nice shirt on the last show.
Gazoo:
Yeah, I'm almost positive they considered that an insult, and you're in a blood feud with them. Any help that comes in your match is going Reese's way - so your best bet is the High Rollers are too badly beaten in the eight-man tag to interfere in your ladder match. Though from that Golden Dragon bit, Flo, they don't strike me as knowing the meaning of oversaturation.
Florida Man:
Well I still think they'll hand me the commonwealth, to keep me out of the world scene.
Gazoo:
That's right... the Battle of Britain shot. Has that win sunk in?
Florida Man:
I've been kind of focused on turning Reese's parents into a mince meat pie and tricking him into eating it. ...But that Battle of Britain win, kind of reminds me of the time I was on that game show....
A watery dissolve takes us to a game show set, that might not be real, as much as it is brain trauma.
Richard Dawson:
Now... Florida Man... you've won your weight in scratch 'n' win tickets. You can take them, go home, and rub 'em out. I'll even give you a quarter to help chip away at the laminate-
Florida Man:
SOLD!
Richard Dawson:
I'm not finished. Now Florida Man, you could take the tickets and walk... or you could keep playing.
Florida Man:
I'm gonna walk!
Richard Dawson:
Humour me, Florida Man. Let's see what you could win if you keep playing... you have three possible levels ahead of you. The first level is a match with Reese Preston for the commonwealth championship.
Florida Man:
I hate that guy! He cost me the tag titles-
Richard Dawson:
....in a ladder match!
Florida Man:
That could be a problem. I'm not too hot with heights.
Richard Dawson:
Well, you don't have to win the match, you could just convince the WUK crowd that you're a viable singles contender....
Florida Man:
No, I'd rather take his title. Fuck that guy.
Richard Dawson:
Regardless of the result, you then go through the next door where you get a rematch for the tag championship...
Florida Man:
Me and Marty are BFFs for life - you better believe we're taking that one to the bank.
Richard Dawson:
You could win there... or lose there, and then use your BoB prize to take on Rage & Cage again at the New Years Brawl!
Florida Man:
And take the Gluck's shot? Those dudes deserve revenge too.
Richard Dawson:
If you get past the commonwealth, and the tag, looking like a star but without picking up gold... you could challenge for the world at New Years Brawl!
Florida Man:
Or....................... I could just win all three!
Richard Dawson:
That's not going to happen.
Florida Man:
Yes it is!
The fiery determination causes another dissolve back to the Best-con, where the farthing falls off the ceiling, landing on Florida Man's crotch.
Florida Man:
See, Gaz? I don't need a ladder, I can only fail up.
Holding up the farthing, Florida Man is pretty sure he has enough money for three celebration parties.