HARD SELL [FML Parade of 1000 Demons 2023 Finals pt. 1]
Nov 21, 2023 23:30:03 GMT -5
Kira Izumi and mosler like this
Post by flo on Nov 21, 2023 23:30:03 GMT -5
Channels change rapidly before coming to a rest on TBS, where the popular gameshow Takeshi's Castle is in progress. At the moment losers from previous obstacles are given a second chance to get back in the contest. To return to the game, they must complete a test of strength. A middle-aged man, Yamamoto, approaches a rope that dangles off his platform into a muddy pool. A loud siren screeches out, signalling a muscular man wearing a Gorn mask to appear on the opposite platform.
Saburo Ishikura (commentary):
"Yamamoto-san seems to be having second thoughts."
Sonomanma Higashi (commentary):
"Can you blame him? Look at those teeth."
Florida Man (pounding chest):
WELCOME TO MY SWAMP!
Yamamoto looks sheepishly at the rope. Before he can throw in the towel, the volunteer army's leader runs up to offer moral support.
General Tani (swinging sword):
"YOU CAN DO IT!"
Pumped up, Yamamoto yells heroically, before grabbing the rope - at which point, Florida Man yanks so hard that the older man gets pulled eight-feet though the air - landing hard in the mud.
Saburo Ishikura:
"Yamamoto's hopes to reenter the battle are dashed at the Tug of War!"
Sonomanma Higashi:
"What a monster. Where does The Count find these people?"
As if on cue, the Sunshine State Stud looks directly into the camera.
Florida Man (striking pose):
Parade of 1000 Demons 2023 Finals - November 25th - watch this here gator chew Dar's bones, only on J-RoK World Pay Per View!
Saburo Ishikura:
"Is he promoting another show on our broadcast?"
Sonomanma Higashi:
"The Count is not going to like this-"
Saburo Ishikura:
"We might as well even the odds."
Suddenly six women dressed as maids appear on the Volunteer Army's platform, apparently pushed through as a group. Though each is significantly smaller than the professional wrestler, numbers are on their side, and it isn't long before the six pull Florida Man face first into the mud.
Saburo Ishikura:
"The alligator letting Takeshi's Army down, learning a little something about Girl Power. Just like I'm sure Dar will kick his ass at Kawasaki Stadium!"
Sonomanma Higashi:
"Now you're promoting it too!"
Saburo Ishikura:
"Oh no!"
Count Takeshi:
"You idiot!"
Back in the studio, Takeshi Kitano hits Saburo over the head with a fan. A large monitor behind them sees Florida Man struggling to stand in the mud to an exaggerated degree. Even if these game show appearances make the luchador look bad, he is committed to promoting the finals.
The channel surfing begins again. Mostly scanning through commercials before crossing a familiar green face. Channels keep switching down until they hit TV Asahi, then stop - returning to a close-up of Florida Man. Standing in the middle of a florist shop, the toothy green face stands out against a wall of vibrant orange and red flowers. Florida Man looms over a dozen bonsai trees, while the host holds a glass vase close to his mouth. Split screens show a studio audience joyfully anticipating FML's next bite. Candy or Not Candy is the gameshow in which contestants take bites out of household objects to see if they are actually sweets in disguise.
Florida Man (about to bite into vase):
...Did I mention that the I will be meeting Dar in the Parade of 1000 Demons Finals on pay per view?
Sekine Tsutomu:
"Repeatedly. Now please begin."
Florida Man (bowing):
I hope we can rely on your patronage-
It is extremely difficult hawking the event, or getting a word in, with the vase being shoved in his face.
Florida Man:
Okay-
A big bite. Marzipan? There is a shattering sound.
Sekine Tsutomu:
"So close!"
Florida Man (trying to be polite):
I'm not big on sugar, but this isn't half biggity bad-
In the studio, the audience roar their approval, as it becomes abundantly clear that this was not candy, but an actual glass vase.
Florida Man (spitting out broken glass like the Cookie Monster as he speaks):
Dar isn't nearly this sweet, but I'm gonna suck her marrow dry on November 25th!
Even though his gator mouth is fake, the chewing motion is clearly directing the razor sharp glass into the Sunshine State Stud's actual mouth - as costumed gums fill with real blood.
Sekine Tsutomu:
"I hope you're a better wrestler than you are a taste tester! NOT CANDY!"
Florida Man:
S'not? Coulda fooled m...
The Man from Florida passes out from blood loss, much to the delight of the viewers. Face down in a pool of gore, Florida Man really should be saving his plasma for the massacre to come.
Kawasaki.
A broken down jalopy leaves a trail of thick black smoke, as the Epcot Mafia drive down the Daisan Keihin Road, entering the second largest city in the Kanagawa Prefecture. In the passenger seat, Gazoo, the dwarf painted green, has to really lean down to cross his feet on the dashboard. Behind the wheel, Florida Man is steering with one claw, while using the free one to hold an ice pack on his ribs. There are quite a few bruises from his appearance on Slippery Stairs. Viewers hope they PVR'd that.
Gazoo:
You're taking more abuse from these television ad spots than you will from Dar. Which shouldn't be possible, Flo.
Florida Man:
Worth it.
Gazoo:
I don't see it.
Florida Man:
This is the real match, Gaz. You think winning the tournament is gonna prove which of me or Dar is more extreme? Nah. I dislike her, I'm looking forwards to hurting her, and we'll both slice each other to ribbons, but its actually US against the 998 other demons. If J-RoK's forth anniversary is the biggest buy rate ever set by the company, does that make Black and STRiFE the top dang draws for headlining? They are... but they had the support of Dar verses Honda, New Age Killers versus Sky Force, and two dozen other stars. The REAL pressure of this here parade, is not the toll that the tour has taken on our bodies, but that we're headlining a pay per view on our lonesome. Black had YEARS of them building him up as the man to do that. Gaines might have been an unknown commodity, but Harding AND Fox were throwing their weight behind him. It was successful enough to run it a second parade WITHOUT the hardcore championship. We don't hit similar numbers to Black and Gaines? Then no matter how many glass panes we throw ourselves through, THE GIGGITY GLASS CEILING will remain. This is as close as J-RoK gets to a proving ground... and I'm gonna show the championship committee that even if they don't recognize all the MANY accomplishments I'm racking up on "oversea learning excursions" - even if they see me as an opening multiman talent enhancer, I am a serious contender!
Gazoo:
Yeah, but at this rate you'll be working at ten percent in the actual finals, Flo.
Florida Man:
If I lose, I lose. For me, the right thing to do is make sure people remember the spectacle that was FLORIDA MAN VERSUS DARLENE PRICE... more than they remember the finish, Gaz. An encounter WORTHY of being a ONE MATCH PAY PER VIEW. That is a huge deal. We hit the numbers, and even if that bastard Kira ever returns to power, or that scumbag Charles gets Nausicaä's ear... then I can still be the MAIN EVENT... because there can be no argument that this here gator DRAWS.
Gazoo:
Don't put the time in to heal, and it won't matter if they're finally willing to book you, because you're setting yourself up for a career ending injury. I bet Dar is using the time to train, get back into peak condition, and any limited airtime is being used to bad mouth you!
Florida Man:
That is Dar, this is me. Building her up helps the match, and that makes me a COMPANY MAN, Gaz.
Gazoo:
Is it worth being a company man when J-RoK clearly hates you?
Florida Man:
Management don't get me... but the audience seem to be responding. Not their fault, that brass don't know a good thing. We'll make Japan into Florida Nation yet.
Gazoo (looking to the backseat, which is full of flyers to be handed out):
I'm not sure-
Florida Man:
Where is all this negativity coming from, compadre?
Gazoo (fidgeting):
I don't know what you mean, Flo...
Florida Man:
Who you trying to kid, kidder? You just don't want to go on the Bum Game show with me!
Gazoo:
Can you blame me? It'll be cold, and you'll spend like an hour feeling all the other contestants behinds, may not even know mine! That would be humiliating!
Florida Man:
Gaz... your ass is gigantic and green... plus it'll be two feet lower than all the rest, how am I gonna miss it?
Gazoo:
Really?
Florida Man:
Relax pal, you'll live longer!
With that, the Floridamobile turns off the exit ramp towards the downtown core...
Saburo Ishikura (commentary):
"Yamamoto-san seems to be having second thoughts."
Sonomanma Higashi (commentary):
"Can you blame him? Look at those teeth."
Florida Man (pounding chest):
WELCOME TO MY SWAMP!
Yamamoto looks sheepishly at the rope. Before he can throw in the towel, the volunteer army's leader runs up to offer moral support.
General Tani (swinging sword):
"YOU CAN DO IT!"
Pumped up, Yamamoto yells heroically, before grabbing the rope - at which point, Florida Man yanks so hard that the older man gets pulled eight-feet though the air - landing hard in the mud.
Saburo Ishikura:
"Yamamoto's hopes to reenter the battle are dashed at the Tug of War!"
Sonomanma Higashi:
"What a monster. Where does The Count find these people?"
As if on cue, the Sunshine State Stud looks directly into the camera.
Florida Man (striking pose):
Parade of 1000 Demons 2023 Finals - November 25th - watch this here gator chew Dar's bones, only on J-RoK World Pay Per View!
Saburo Ishikura:
"Is he promoting another show on our broadcast?"
Sonomanma Higashi:
"The Count is not going to like this-"
Saburo Ishikura:
"We might as well even the odds."
Suddenly six women dressed as maids appear on the Volunteer Army's platform, apparently pushed through as a group. Though each is significantly smaller than the professional wrestler, numbers are on their side, and it isn't long before the six pull Florida Man face first into the mud.
Saburo Ishikura:
"The alligator letting Takeshi's Army down, learning a little something about Girl Power. Just like I'm sure Dar will kick his ass at Kawasaki Stadium!"
Sonomanma Higashi:
"Now you're promoting it too!"
Saburo Ishikura:
"Oh no!"
Count Takeshi:
"You idiot!"
Back in the studio, Takeshi Kitano hits Saburo over the head with a fan. A large monitor behind them sees Florida Man struggling to stand in the mud to an exaggerated degree. Even if these game show appearances make the luchador look bad, he is committed to promoting the finals.
The channel surfing begins again. Mostly scanning through commercials before crossing a familiar green face. Channels keep switching down until they hit TV Asahi, then stop - returning to a close-up of Florida Man. Standing in the middle of a florist shop, the toothy green face stands out against a wall of vibrant orange and red flowers. Florida Man looms over a dozen bonsai trees, while the host holds a glass vase close to his mouth. Split screens show a studio audience joyfully anticipating FML's next bite. Candy or Not Candy is the gameshow in which contestants take bites out of household objects to see if they are actually sweets in disguise.
Florida Man (about to bite into vase):
...Did I mention that the I will be meeting Dar in the Parade of 1000 Demons Finals on pay per view?
Sekine Tsutomu:
"Repeatedly. Now please begin."
Florida Man (bowing):
I hope we can rely on your patronage-
It is extremely difficult hawking the event, or getting a word in, with the vase being shoved in his face.
Florida Man:
Okay-
A big bite. Marzipan? There is a shattering sound.
Sekine Tsutomu:
"So close!"
Florida Man (trying to be polite):
I'm not big on sugar, but this isn't half biggity bad-
In the studio, the audience roar their approval, as it becomes abundantly clear that this was not candy, but an actual glass vase.
Florida Man (spitting out broken glass like the Cookie Monster as he speaks):
Dar isn't nearly this sweet, but I'm gonna suck her marrow dry on November 25th!
Even though his gator mouth is fake, the chewing motion is clearly directing the razor sharp glass into the Sunshine State Stud's actual mouth - as costumed gums fill with real blood.
Sekine Tsutomu:
"I hope you're a better wrestler than you are a taste tester! NOT CANDY!"
Florida Man:
S'not? Coulda fooled m...
The Man from Florida passes out from blood loss, much to the delight of the viewers. Face down in a pool of gore, Florida Man really should be saving his plasma for the massacre to come.
Kawasaki.
A broken down jalopy leaves a trail of thick black smoke, as the Epcot Mafia drive down the Daisan Keihin Road, entering the second largest city in the Kanagawa Prefecture. In the passenger seat, Gazoo, the dwarf painted green, has to really lean down to cross his feet on the dashboard. Behind the wheel, Florida Man is steering with one claw, while using the free one to hold an ice pack on his ribs. There are quite a few bruises from his appearance on Slippery Stairs. Viewers hope they PVR'd that.
Gazoo:
You're taking more abuse from these television ad spots than you will from Dar. Which shouldn't be possible, Flo.
Florida Man:
Worth it.
Gazoo:
I don't see it.
Florida Man:
This is the real match, Gaz. You think winning the tournament is gonna prove which of me or Dar is more extreme? Nah. I dislike her, I'm looking forwards to hurting her, and we'll both slice each other to ribbons, but its actually US against the 998 other demons. If J-RoK's forth anniversary is the biggest buy rate ever set by the company, does that make Black and STRiFE the top dang draws for headlining? They are... but they had the support of Dar verses Honda, New Age Killers versus Sky Force, and two dozen other stars. The REAL pressure of this here parade, is not the toll that the tour has taken on our bodies, but that we're headlining a pay per view on our lonesome. Black had YEARS of them building him up as the man to do that. Gaines might have been an unknown commodity, but Harding AND Fox were throwing their weight behind him. It was successful enough to run it a second parade WITHOUT the hardcore championship. We don't hit similar numbers to Black and Gaines? Then no matter how many glass panes we throw ourselves through, THE GIGGITY GLASS CEILING will remain. This is as close as J-RoK gets to a proving ground... and I'm gonna show the championship committee that even if they don't recognize all the MANY accomplishments I'm racking up on "oversea learning excursions" - even if they see me as an opening multiman talent enhancer, I am a serious contender!
Gazoo:
Yeah, but at this rate you'll be working at ten percent in the actual finals, Flo.
Florida Man:
If I lose, I lose. For me, the right thing to do is make sure people remember the spectacle that was FLORIDA MAN VERSUS DARLENE PRICE... more than they remember the finish, Gaz. An encounter WORTHY of being a ONE MATCH PAY PER VIEW. That is a huge deal. We hit the numbers, and even if that bastard Kira ever returns to power, or that scumbag Charles gets Nausicaä's ear... then I can still be the MAIN EVENT... because there can be no argument that this here gator DRAWS.
Gazoo:
Don't put the time in to heal, and it won't matter if they're finally willing to book you, because you're setting yourself up for a career ending injury. I bet Dar is using the time to train, get back into peak condition, and any limited airtime is being used to bad mouth you!
Florida Man:
That is Dar, this is me. Building her up helps the match, and that makes me a COMPANY MAN, Gaz.
Gazoo:
Is it worth being a company man when J-RoK clearly hates you?
Florida Man:
Management don't get me... but the audience seem to be responding. Not their fault, that brass don't know a good thing. We'll make Japan into Florida Nation yet.
Gazoo (looking to the backseat, which is full of flyers to be handed out):
I'm not sure-
Florida Man:
Where is all this negativity coming from, compadre?
Gazoo (fidgeting):
I don't know what you mean, Flo...
Florida Man:
Who you trying to kid, kidder? You just don't want to go on the Bum Game show with me!
Gazoo:
Can you blame me? It'll be cold, and you'll spend like an hour feeling all the other contestants behinds, may not even know mine! That would be humiliating!
Florida Man:
Gaz... your ass is gigantic and green... plus it'll be two feet lower than all the rest, how am I gonna miss it?
Gazoo:
Really?
Florida Man:
Relax pal, you'll live longer!
With that, the Floridamobile turns off the exit ramp towards the downtown core...
The Parade of Demons finally marches on Kawasaki.