They got a cherry pie that that will kill you!
Nov 23, 2023 23:57:11 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Nov 23, 2023 23:57:11 GMT -5
Whitefish, Montana
(The shot opens on snow covered mountains in the distance. Zooming out, we see the exterior of a fancy ski lodge and an incredibly nervous Dana Daniels. The Drone paces back and forth while wearing a bluetooth headset. For some reason he’s dressed in an extreme sports disguise complete with a fake blonde mullet and psychedelic mushroom snowboard.)
Dana: Come on! Where is he?
(A car horn is heard. Parked at the bottom of the hill in his American flag hummer is Deacon Oldham. He holds up a walkie talkie.)
Deacon: Dana, can you hear me?
Dana: Yes! Deacon, I’ve got cold feet.
Deacon: Do some jumping jacks.
Dana: No, I mean about this whole plan. Wouldn’t it make more sense to just focus on traditional wrestling training? I need to get to the pay window bad. We’re 400 grand in the hole for crying out loud. The bank is threatening to repossess my ten frame pollen trap!
Deacon: Traditional wrestling training is for traditional wrestling matches. You’re preparing for a pie fight.
Dana: I know, but this just seems cruel.
Deacon: Oh toughen up. You’re just tossing a pie at a stranger. It isn’t battery acid.
Dana: I know it’s just a pie, but these people never did anything to me.
Deacon: Do you want to win your first championship or not?
(Dana mulls it over for a moment.)
Dana: Fine.
Deacon: Good. Your target is the blonde woman in the corner booth.
Dana: Wait! You never said it was a woman!
Deacon: The current champion is a woman! Are you going to let her win the match just because she’s wearing some slutty costume from Tek Wars? Believe me, Dana. I take no pleasure in this situation at all. Desperate times call for desperate measures though.
Deacon: Good. You’ll find your “weapon” under that bench there.
Dana: Why am I entering the restaurant with a pie already? Shouldn’t my disguise be a chef then?
Deacon: The snowboard is to make a quick escape down the mountain. How do you have so many damn questions? My team was smuggled into Bosnia through shipping containers and I think we had like two questions at most.
(Muttering to himself Dana retrieves the box with the pie from under the bench. He walks into a fancy restaurant and approaches an eerily familiar looking middle aged woman in a booth. They stare at each other in an awkward silence for a moment before Dana runs back out the front door.)
Dana: Deacon! Are you sure you don’t know this woman?
Deacon: Not in the slightest. I picked a random patron that matched the physique of Star Tekken.
Dana: That’s interesting because this random person LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE AN OLDER VERSION OF YOUR DAUGHTER.
(There is an awkward pause on the radio.)
Deacon: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
(Dana lifts open the lid of the box to look at the pie. The word “WHORE” is written in whip cream.)
Dana: DEACON THIS ISN’T TRAINING YOU JUST WANTED ME TO HUMILIATE YOUR EX WIFE.
Deacon: Why can’t it be both?
Dana: I’m going home for some regular training.
Deacon: Regular training for a match with ÀNDRAS?!? The man who shoots autosexual cologne commercials?
Dana: You lied to me!
Deacon: Sure, but try to understand. Pearl has been insufferable lately though. She was bragging on social media about having a date tonight with a couple of young hotties. What the hell was I supposed to do?
Dana: Move on with your life?
Deacon: Like how you moved on from Jodie? Face it, that hot young dates might as well be Jack Diamond. It’s the same situation. Walk away you coward. You won’t be just letting me down. You’ll be letting down all us wronged divorced men. Hell, you’ll be letting down your bees.
Dana: You leave the hive out of this!
(Furious, Dana storms back into the restaurant. He marches towards the table. The beekeeper reaches it just as Marty Donovan and Ollie Oldham come back from the bar with drinks.)
Marty: Dana? What are you doing here and why do you look like a mod for Cool Boarders?
Deacon: ABORT! ABORT MISSION!
(Dana just stares at them like a deer in headlights.)
Ollie: Oh no. My dad has something to do with this.
Deacon: TOP LEFT POCKET, DANA! TOP LEFT POCKET!
(Dana reaches into his pocket and retrives a mystery pill.)
Ollie: I wouldn’t take that if I were you.
(The shot fades out as the sound of a car speeding away can be heard through Dana’s earpiece.)
(The shot opens on snow covered mountains in the distance. Zooming out, we see the exterior of a fancy ski lodge and an incredibly nervous Dana Daniels. The Drone paces back and forth while wearing a bluetooth headset. For some reason he’s dressed in an extreme sports disguise complete with a fake blonde mullet and psychedelic mushroom snowboard.)
Dana: Come on! Where is he?
(A car horn is heard. Parked at the bottom of the hill in his American flag hummer is Deacon Oldham. He holds up a walkie talkie.)
Deacon: Dana, can you hear me?
Dana: Yes! Deacon, I’ve got cold feet.
Deacon: Do some jumping jacks.
Dana: No, I mean about this whole plan. Wouldn’t it make more sense to just focus on traditional wrestling training? I need to get to the pay window bad. We’re 400 grand in the hole for crying out loud. The bank is threatening to repossess my ten frame pollen trap!
Deacon: Traditional wrestling training is for traditional wrestling matches. You’re preparing for a pie fight.
Dana: I know, but this just seems cruel.
Deacon: Oh toughen up. You’re just tossing a pie at a stranger. It isn’t battery acid.
Dana: I know it’s just a pie, but these people never did anything to me.
Deacon: Do you want to win your first championship or not?
(Dana mulls it over for a moment.)
Dana: Fine.
Deacon: Good. Your target is the blonde woman in the corner booth.
Dana: Wait! You never said it was a woman!
Deacon: The current champion is a woman! Are you going to let her win the match just because she’s wearing some slutty costume from Tek Wars? Believe me, Dana. I take no pleasure in this situation at all. Desperate times call for desperate measures though.
Dana: Fine…
Deacon: Good. You’ll find your “weapon” under that bench there.
Dana: Why am I entering the restaurant with a pie already? Shouldn’t my disguise be a chef then?
Deacon: The snowboard is to make a quick escape down the mountain. How do you have so many damn questions? My team was smuggled into Bosnia through shipping containers and I think we had like two questions at most.
(Muttering to himself Dana retrieves the box with the pie from under the bench. He walks into a fancy restaurant and approaches an eerily familiar looking middle aged woman in a booth. They stare at each other in an awkward silence for a moment before Dana runs back out the front door.)
Dana: Deacon! Are you sure you don’t know this woman?
Deacon: Not in the slightest. I picked a random patron that matched the physique of Star Tekken.
Dana: That’s interesting because this random person LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE AN OLDER VERSION OF YOUR DAUGHTER.
(There is an awkward pause on the radio.)
Deacon: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
(Dana lifts open the lid of the box to look at the pie. The word “WHORE” is written in whip cream.)
Dana: DEACON THIS ISN’T TRAINING YOU JUST WANTED ME TO HUMILIATE YOUR EX WIFE.
Deacon: Why can’t it be both?
Dana: I’m going home for some regular training.
Deacon: Regular training for a match with ÀNDRAS?!? The man who shoots autosexual cologne commercials?
Dana: You lied to me!
Deacon: Sure, but try to understand. Pearl has been insufferable lately though. She was bragging on social media about having a date tonight with a couple of young hotties. What the hell was I supposed to do?
Dana: Move on with your life?
Deacon: Like how you moved on from Jodie? Face it, that hot young dates might as well be Jack Diamond. It’s the same situation. Walk away you coward. You won’t be just letting me down. You’ll be letting down all us wronged divorced men. Hell, you’ll be letting down your bees.
Dana: You leave the hive out of this!
(Furious, Dana storms back into the restaurant. He marches towards the table. The beekeeper reaches it just as Marty Donovan and Ollie Oldham come back from the bar with drinks.)
Marty: Dana? What are you doing here and why do you look like a mod for Cool Boarders?
Deacon: ABORT! ABORT MISSION!
(Dana just stares at them like a deer in headlights.)
Ollie: Oh no. My dad has something to do with this.
Deacon: TOP LEFT POCKET, DANA! TOP LEFT POCKET!
(Dana reaches into his pocket and retrives a mystery pill.)
Ollie: I wouldn’t take that if I were you.
(The shot fades out as the sound of a car speeding away can be heard through Dana’s earpiece.)