Post by flo on Dec 25, 2023 5:06:17 GMT -5
Christmas Eve.
Even economically depressed regions like Nova Scotia have their affluent areas, and for Halifax - 3 million dollar homes are in the scenic southend community known as Point Pleasant Park. As night falls, brightly lit seasonal lights create the false impression that these sprawling estates are occupied. Nothing could be further from the truth, as these Canadians have money, and as we are officially into winter, they've all migrated to warmer pastures. ...places like Florida.
Still at least one creature must be stirring, as Saint Nicolas makes his way down the street.
Santa is soon joined by more Santas.
Dan Marino looking Santa:
I think we lost 'em...
Green Dwarf Santa (checking collection bucket):
Twenty bucks? Damn it Flo, this Santa racket isn't worth running from the cops.
Alligator Santa:
Racket? Dang Gaz, we're actually giving what we collected to charity!
Gazoo (rolling up sleeves):
Over my dead body!
Dan Marino (trying to hold him back):
That seems very altruistic of you, Florida. I didn't think the Ghost of Christmas Past was supposed to harass you until midnight?
Florida Claus:
I wish. She's on my ass 1000 days of the year!*
*Editor's Note: Florida Man doesn't actually know how many days are in a year.
Gazoo (throwing beard on the ground):
So I wore this ridiculous outfit for............ charity?
The Epcot Mafia seem down about the lack of criminal elements in their current enterprise.
Florida Claus:
Gaz, Gaz, Gaz... we signed up as Santas, and have been rounding up donations, so that the Volunteers of America can convert the moolah into food coupons for the less fortunate. Y'all know how I feel about FOOD STAMPS.
Gazoo:
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT... (dry heave) legitimate work!
The crew seem bummed. Shaking his head mockingly, the alligator skinned Saint Nicolas turns to the first house.
Florida Claus:
.................................and with the Santa suits they lent us, no one will suspect that we are actually burglarizing these houses!
Gazoo (air fist pump):
YES!
Dan Marino:
Wait, that's your whole plan? No layout of houses, itemized lists of valuables, or security system details?
Florida Claus:
Don't you see Danny, even if we "trip an alarm" - the cops show up, we'll just say we're delivering gifts, and the stupid pigs will be so scared of getting on the naughty list, they'll help us carry the loot!
Gazoo:
Genius!
Dan Marino:
It really isn't - look, I'm too pretty to go to priso-
#SMASH#
The first door is kicked in.
Dan Marino:
Damn it.
DISSOLVE.
Some police officers help load a flat screen television into the jalopy known as the Floridamobile. To keep up the festive facade, there are reindeers on the vehicle's hood... but rather than being a conscious decision, these are most likely lawn ornaments that were rammed into in a drunken stupor.
Florida Claus:
Thanks fellas! Yoyoyo!
Taller Cop:
Anything for you, sir!
Dan Marino (watching in disbelief):
....Jesus.
How did that work?
Shorter Cop (to partner):
The guys at the station are never gonna believe we met THE Florida Man.
Taller Cop:
He's the greatest!
As their car fills up with plunder, and the police depart, another DISSOLVE takes us later into the night - when at least eight houses have been ransacked.
Dan Marino:
Why do we keep leaving the taps on?
Florida Claus:
It's our calling card!
Dan Marino:
No it isn't - you got it from a movie, and the whole point was that the Wet Bandits were idiots giving the police evidence-
Florida Claus:
No idea what film that it. ...But all the water is gonna remind the owners to visit beautiful Florida!
As the trio approach the next house, a child can be seen at the window - who quickly disappears as they approach.
Gazoo:
This one's occupied, Flo-
Florida Claus:
So much like my VIOLENT HOME INVASION of W:UK, they is gonna welcome us with open arms! I'm like the Grinch. Getting all their stuff is gonna make my heart grow ten sizes-
Gazoo:
That was the fifty-pound enchalada-
Florida Claus:
True. Just watch - like Cindy Loo Who, young Eron is gonna hand me the gold- like taking candy from a bab-
Walking through the front door triggers a blow torch to burn off Florida Man's Santa hat.
Florida Claus (trying to slap out fire):
Imma gonna get you for that baby Eron!
A paint can attached to rope swings down from the second floor, flattening FML's snout on the way to knocking him through a window. A montage sees the Epcot Mafia losing their boots to tar, stepping on ornaments, getting repeatedly hit in the crotch, and a dozen other prat falls at the hands of the small child that Florida has made a surrogate Eron Hunter. The sequence ends with the trio licking their wounds in a snowbank.
Gazoo:
Maybe instead of failing to beat fake child Eron, you should focus on your match... you got a game plan?
Florida Claus:
I'm gonna give it - 40 percent!
Gazoo:
Eron thinks you should give it 110.
Florida Claus:
Really? Okay, Eron would know. What a great champ, giving me tips... cause I was definitely only gonna do forty.
Gazoo:
Yeah, he was very complimentary. Said you were funny.
The camera pulls in on a tight close-up, as Florida Man twitches, taking in this statement.
Florida Claus (cold):
.........................Funny how? ...Like funny how? ...........Like I'm a clown? Like I amuse him? I make him laugh? I'm here to fucking amuse him? What does he mean funny? Funny how? HOW do I amuse him?
Gazoo:
You know.
Florida Claus (icy):
No, I don't know, HE said it. How do I know I'm funny? What the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what's funny!
This is uncomfortable.
..............The Floridian cracks a smile.
Actually his mask always looks that way.
Florida Claus:
Oh Eron... what fun we'll have.
Reinvigorated by this sinister prediction, the Santa Croc charges back into the house of horrors. ...He may be concussed.
Even economically depressed regions like Nova Scotia have their affluent areas, and for Halifax - 3 million dollar homes are in the scenic southend community known as Point Pleasant Park. As night falls, brightly lit seasonal lights create the false impression that these sprawling estates are occupied. Nothing could be further from the truth, as these Canadians have money, and as we are officially into winter, they've all migrated to warmer pastures. ...places like Florida.
Still at least one creature must be stirring, as Saint Nicolas makes his way down the street.
Santa is soon joined by more Santas.
Dan Marino looking Santa:
I think we lost 'em...
Green Dwarf Santa (checking collection bucket):
Twenty bucks? Damn it Flo, this Santa racket isn't worth running from the cops.
Alligator Santa:
Racket? Dang Gaz, we're actually giving what we collected to charity!
Gazoo (rolling up sleeves):
Over my dead body!
Dan Marino (trying to hold him back):
That seems very altruistic of you, Florida. I didn't think the Ghost of Christmas Past was supposed to harass you until midnight?
Florida Claus:
I wish. She's on my ass 1000 days of the year!*
*Editor's Note: Florida Man doesn't actually know how many days are in a year.
Gazoo (throwing beard on the ground):
So I wore this ridiculous outfit for............ charity?
The Epcot Mafia seem down about the lack of criminal elements in their current enterprise.
Florida Claus:
Gaz, Gaz, Gaz... we signed up as Santas, and have been rounding up donations, so that the Volunteers of America can convert the moolah into food coupons for the less fortunate. Y'all know how I feel about FOOD STAMPS.
Gazoo:
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT... (dry heave) legitimate work!
The crew seem bummed. Shaking his head mockingly, the alligator skinned Saint Nicolas turns to the first house.
Florida Claus:
.................................and with the Santa suits they lent us, no one will suspect that we are actually burglarizing these houses!
Gazoo (air fist pump):
YES!
Dan Marino:
Wait, that's your whole plan? No layout of houses, itemized lists of valuables, or security system details?
Florida Claus:
Don't you see Danny, even if we "trip an alarm" - the cops show up, we'll just say we're delivering gifts, and the stupid pigs will be so scared of getting on the naughty list, they'll help us carry the loot!
Gazoo:
Genius!
Dan Marino:
It really isn't - look, I'm too pretty to go to priso-
#SMASH#
The first door is kicked in.
Dan Marino:
Damn it.
DISSOLVE.
Some police officers help load a flat screen television into the jalopy known as the Floridamobile. To keep up the festive facade, there are reindeers on the vehicle's hood... but rather than being a conscious decision, these are most likely lawn ornaments that were rammed into in a drunken stupor.
Florida Claus:
Thanks fellas! Yoyoyo!
Taller Cop:
Anything for you, sir!
Dan Marino (watching in disbelief):
....Jesus.
How did that work?
Shorter Cop (to partner):
The guys at the station are never gonna believe we met THE Florida Man.
Taller Cop:
He's the greatest!
As their car fills up with plunder, and the police depart, another DISSOLVE takes us later into the night - when at least eight houses have been ransacked.
Dan Marino:
Why do we keep leaving the taps on?
Florida Claus:
It's our calling card!
Dan Marino:
No it isn't - you got it from a movie, and the whole point was that the Wet Bandits were idiots giving the police evidence-
Florida Claus:
No idea what film that it. ...But all the water is gonna remind the owners to visit beautiful Florida!
As the trio approach the next house, a child can be seen at the window - who quickly disappears as they approach.
Gazoo:
This one's occupied, Flo-
Florida Claus:
So much like my VIOLENT HOME INVASION of W:UK, they is gonna welcome us with open arms! I'm like the Grinch. Getting all their stuff is gonna make my heart grow ten sizes-
Gazoo:
That was the fifty-pound enchalada-
Florida Claus:
True. Just watch - like Cindy Loo Who, young Eron is gonna hand me the gold- like taking candy from a bab-
Walking through the front door triggers a blow torch to burn off Florida Man's Santa hat.
Florida Claus (trying to slap out fire):
Imma gonna get you for that baby Eron!
A paint can attached to rope swings down from the second floor, flattening FML's snout on the way to knocking him through a window. A montage sees the Epcot Mafia losing their boots to tar, stepping on ornaments, getting repeatedly hit in the crotch, and a dozen other prat falls at the hands of the small child that Florida has made a surrogate Eron Hunter. The sequence ends with the trio licking their wounds in a snowbank.
Gazoo:
Maybe instead of failing to beat fake child Eron, you should focus on your match... you got a game plan?
Florida Claus:
I'm gonna give it - 40 percent!
Gazoo:
Eron thinks you should give it 110.
Florida Claus:
Really? Okay, Eron would know. What a great champ, giving me tips... cause I was definitely only gonna do forty.
Gazoo:
Yeah, he was very complimentary. Said you were funny.
The camera pulls in on a tight close-up, as Florida Man twitches, taking in this statement.
Florida Claus (cold):
.........................Funny how? ...Like funny how? ...........Like I'm a clown? Like I amuse him? I make him laugh? I'm here to fucking amuse him? What does he mean funny? Funny how? HOW do I amuse him?
Gazoo:
You know.
Florida Claus (icy):
No, I don't know, HE said it. How do I know I'm funny? What the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what's funny!
This is uncomfortable.
..............The Floridian cracks a smile.
Actually his mask always looks that way.
Florida Claus:
Oh Eron... what fun we'll have.
Reinvigorated by this sinister prediction, the Santa Croc charges back into the house of horrors. ...He may be concussed.