Post by Steve Awesome on Dec 28, 2023 23:53:20 GMT -5
“Hello everyone, This is Wrestling With The News live and I’m Tuna Meltzer!
A few credits and title cards are shown on the screen and soon were greeted by everyone’s favorite dirt sheet writer; Tuna Meltzer.
“Coming up next, J-Rok is set to have a DREAM MATCH take place at night two of there Raison D’etre pay per view event. Kudos to Kira and the gang for being able to book such a match in a world where pretty much every top star on the XHF Network has squared off already.
That’s right.
We have the Face versus the Gator.
The man from Michigan versus the man from Florida.
America’s hand meets America’s wang.
Steve Awesome goes one on one against Florida Man with the Hardcore title on the line.
Steve Awesome has held onto the XHF Hardcore Championship for record setting eight months and counting and has been taking out challengers left and right.
Florida Man consistently lights up any wrestling show he’s on and has found success just about everywhere.
Of all the opponents Steve has had, the masked man from Florida has been the person people have chosen to be the one to dethrone Steve and bring his groundbreaking reign to a screeching halt.
These two men have coexisted on the network, each known for their whimsical, devil may care attitudes, and have never had a singles match against one another.
Well all that changes on Night Two of Raison D’etre.
What will happen when the Hardcore Face of the Franchise defends against the Florida Mang in a Winter Wonderland Death Match?
We go in depth and break down why we think Steve Awesome is going to retain.
Want to know what a Winter Wonderland Deathmatch actually is? So do the competitors. But we break it down for you.
Don’t miss Tuna Meltzer presents, the Anatomy of a Dream Match…..”
*click*
Suddenly the screen cuts to black and all that’s left is a blank tv screen. In its dark reflection you see the smirking face of Steve Awesome.
“Dream match?”
He scoffed and ran a palm through his hair.
“For who?”
He laughs to himself as he walks off.
STEVE AWESOME
FACE OF THE FRANCHISE
“Now, I’d like to start off this little promo by making it clear that I don’t personally have a problem with a guy like Florida Man.”
We open up on the hardcore champion as he slowly shakes his head.
“In fact, I think he’s a fun little clown. Always makes me laugh. He’s a decent hand in the ring and that shows as he goes around winning meaningless third tier titles from all the companies listed in the network.”
“But there is just one….”
Steve holds up an index finger.
“…..glaring issue that immediately disqualifies us from being similar. One big difference that puts me back into a position where I’m punching down. There’s just one little thing that changes this so-called “dream match” into just the match of Florida Man’s dreams.”
Steve smirks.
“No, it’s not his look.”
He shook his head.
“Florida Man has all the chances in the world to look like a cool, imposing, wrestler in the ring. He’s got the gator mask, throw in some carbon fiber material and make the eyes glow and we got something that just might be able to strike fear in the hearts of his opponents. But instead, he prefers a sewn on straw hat and a pair of overalls as if he’s some kind of Hanna-Barbera reject.”
Steve shakes his head in disgust.
“I mean sure, some people say I look so pretty and perfect that I’m really just an ai creation but at least I don’t look like I’m going to nibble on a carrot and ask my opponent “what’s up doc?” once the bell rings.”
Another smirk as he continues on.
“If you thought I was going to say it’s his wrestling ability, then you’d also be wrong.”
“Now don’t get it twisted, Florida Man doesn’t have any actual wrestling ability. There’s no strategy that he employs, there is no rhyme or reason for the things that he does. It’s all just a manic flight or fight response fueled by crystal meth!”
Steve shrugs.
“But hey, it works for him. He makes an ass of himself, and it gets results. But I’m not going to judge him for that because that’s all he knows how to do. And on night two of Raison D’etre I’m going to show him how bad I’ve been killing people with my thigh slaps.”
He gives his thigh a gentle slap. Can’t go too hard because those things are lethal!
“And it's not even his intelligence that lowers the value of this match. I mean I certainly have never been the sharpest knife in the drawer. But Florida Man is the type of stupid that would get himself booked in a loser leaves J-Rok match on night one of the Raison D’etre. You know, the day before he has a match against me for the Hardcore Title…..in J-Rok.”
Steve laughs to himself.
“This guy is going to lose his job before he even gets the chance to face me. There isn’t even going to be a dream match because I’m just going to have the night off. It’s really going to hurt Flo’s scaly little feelings when he loses all that hard work and effort he put in to win Parade of a Thousand Demons, withstand all those brutal death matches and earn a shot at me when anyone else with half a brain just signs there name on a list and waits there turn.”
Steve face palms and shakes his head.
“I mean seriously man, they have it taped up to the wall at all J-Rok events. Hell, I’m pretty sure they even have an online app for it. How do you think your other scaly friend Jess Jamester signed up twice!?”
Steve laughs again.
“You really are just a big dumb animal, aren’t ya Flo?”[/b]
Steve rolls his eyes.
“See this Winter Wonderland Death Match, it could have been the ultimate dream match. Two huge stars battling it out to see who will take home the very prestigious-“
He cups the side of his mouth.
“Because of me-“
He nods his head agreeing with his not so secret secret.
“-HardKore Championship of the World.”
He pats the title belt that hangs over his shoulder.
“It’s not all the drugs, it’s not the memes, and it’s certainly not because he turned a blind eye to all the Nickelodeon people diddling all those kids in his home state.”
Steve crossed his arms.
“For shame…”
He gave a disappointed glare into the camera.
“You want to know what it is? It’s simple. Florida Man is an outsider.”
Steve took a step forward and glared into the camera he nodded his head and gave a simple shrug.
“He’s an outsider, everywhere he goes. Even his home state is ashamed of him. He’s just a weird dude, addicted to drugs, in a stupid mask that insists on being the same stupid joke in every match.”
He sneers.
“That’s why J-Rok can’t stand you. That’s why Kira wants you out of Japan for good. That’s why you’ve had a cup of coffee in Damn near every company on the network but you can’t call any of them your home fed. You are just a “methed up” outsider in overalls and a straw hat.”
He points into the camera.
“And that’s all you’ll ever be until you learn to do business, stop being a reckless maniac and try being anything other than the joke you are now.”
He shrugs his shoulders.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong Flo, you are a funny joke….well kinda….”
He waves his hand back and forth, insinuating the joke is really middle of the road at best.
“And at Night Two of Raison D’etre….if you even make it there at all, I’m going to laugh my way to another title defense.”
He rubs his palms together.
“I know this is quite possibly the biggest match of your life but in the Winter Wonderland Deathmatch I'm going to wait till your cold blood freezes over. I’m going to wait till your little heart beat slows down to nothing, and then when you're defenseless and frozen in agony, I’m gonna walk up and super kick that stupid nose off your stupid little face.”
He glared into the camera.
“You're going to find out Florida Man, that jokes like you only make it so far in life. And guys like me, world class champions like me, are always going to be there to put jokes like you back in their place.”
He smirked.
“Curtain jerking with the other clowns.”
He smirks and runs a palm through his hair.
“At Raison D’etre, in Japan, it’s gonna be “See ya later, Alligator.”
He gives a wave and then a crotch chop.
Fade.
A few credits and title cards are shown on the screen and soon were greeted by everyone’s favorite dirt sheet writer; Tuna Meltzer.
“Coming up next, J-Rok is set to have a DREAM MATCH take place at night two of there Raison D’etre pay per view event. Kudos to Kira and the gang for being able to book such a match in a world where pretty much every top star on the XHF Network has squared off already.
That’s right.
We have the Face versus the Gator.
The man from Michigan versus the man from Florida.
America’s hand meets America’s wang.
Steve Awesome goes one on one against Florida Man with the Hardcore title on the line.
Steve Awesome has held onto the XHF Hardcore Championship for record setting eight months and counting and has been taking out challengers left and right.
Florida Man consistently lights up any wrestling show he’s on and has found success just about everywhere.
Of all the opponents Steve has had, the masked man from Florida has been the person people have chosen to be the one to dethrone Steve and bring his groundbreaking reign to a screeching halt.
These two men have coexisted on the network, each known for their whimsical, devil may care attitudes, and have never had a singles match against one another.
Well all that changes on Night Two of Raison D’etre.
What will happen when the Hardcore Face of the Franchise defends against the Florida Mang in a Winter Wonderland Death Match?
We go in depth and break down why we think Steve Awesome is going to retain.
Want to know what a Winter Wonderland Deathmatch actually is? So do the competitors. But we break it down for you.
Don’t miss Tuna Meltzer presents, the Anatomy of a Dream Match…..”
*click*
Suddenly the screen cuts to black and all that’s left is a blank tv screen. In its dark reflection you see the smirking face of Steve Awesome.
“Dream match?”
He scoffed and ran a palm through his hair.
“For who?”
He laughs to himself as he walks off.
STEVE AWESOME
FACE OF THE FRANCHISE
“Now, I’d like to start off this little promo by making it clear that I don’t personally have a problem with a guy like Florida Man.”
We open up on the hardcore champion as he slowly shakes his head.
“In fact, I think he’s a fun little clown. Always makes me laugh. He’s a decent hand in the ring and that shows as he goes around winning meaningless third tier titles from all the companies listed in the network.”
“But there is just one….”
Steve holds up an index finger.
“…..glaring issue that immediately disqualifies us from being similar. One big difference that puts me back into a position where I’m punching down. There’s just one little thing that changes this so-called “dream match” into just the match of Florida Man’s dreams.”
Steve smirks.
“No, it’s not his look.”
He shook his head.
“Florida Man has all the chances in the world to look like a cool, imposing, wrestler in the ring. He’s got the gator mask, throw in some carbon fiber material and make the eyes glow and we got something that just might be able to strike fear in the hearts of his opponents. But instead, he prefers a sewn on straw hat and a pair of overalls as if he’s some kind of Hanna-Barbera reject.”
Steve shakes his head in disgust.
“I mean sure, some people say I look so pretty and perfect that I’m really just an ai creation but at least I don’t look like I’m going to nibble on a carrot and ask my opponent “what’s up doc?” once the bell rings.”
Another smirk as he continues on.
“If you thought I was going to say it’s his wrestling ability, then you’d also be wrong.”
“Now don’t get it twisted, Florida Man doesn’t have any actual wrestling ability. There’s no strategy that he employs, there is no rhyme or reason for the things that he does. It’s all just a manic flight or fight response fueled by crystal meth!”
Steve shrugs.
“But hey, it works for him. He makes an ass of himself, and it gets results. But I’m not going to judge him for that because that’s all he knows how to do. And on night two of Raison D’etre I’m going to show him how bad I’ve been killing people with my thigh slaps.”
He gives his thigh a gentle slap. Can’t go too hard because those things are lethal!
“And it's not even his intelligence that lowers the value of this match. I mean I certainly have never been the sharpest knife in the drawer. But Florida Man is the type of stupid that would get himself booked in a loser leaves J-Rok match on night one of the Raison D’etre. You know, the day before he has a match against me for the Hardcore Title…..in J-Rok.”
Steve laughs to himself.
“This guy is going to lose his job before he even gets the chance to face me. There isn’t even going to be a dream match because I’m just going to have the night off. It’s really going to hurt Flo’s scaly little feelings when he loses all that hard work and effort he put in to win Parade of a Thousand Demons, withstand all those brutal death matches and earn a shot at me when anyone else with half a brain just signs there name on a list and waits there turn.”
Steve face palms and shakes his head.
“I mean seriously man, they have it taped up to the wall at all J-Rok events. Hell, I’m pretty sure they even have an online app for it. How do you think your other scaly friend Jess Jamester signed up twice!?”
Steve laughs again.
“You really are just a big dumb animal, aren’t ya Flo?”[/b]
Steve rolls his eyes.
“See this Winter Wonderland Death Match, it could have been the ultimate dream match. Two huge stars battling it out to see who will take home the very prestigious-“
He cups the side of his mouth.
“Because of me-“
He nods his head agreeing with his not so secret secret.
“-HardKore Championship of the World.”
He pats the title belt that hangs over his shoulder.
“It’s not all the drugs, it’s not the memes, and it’s certainly not because he turned a blind eye to all the Nickelodeon people diddling all those kids in his home state.”
Steve crossed his arms.
“For shame…”
He gave a disappointed glare into the camera.
“You want to know what it is? It’s simple. Florida Man is an outsider.”
Steve took a step forward and glared into the camera he nodded his head and gave a simple shrug.
“He’s an outsider, everywhere he goes. Even his home state is ashamed of him. He’s just a weird dude, addicted to drugs, in a stupid mask that insists on being the same stupid joke in every match.”
He sneers.
“That’s why J-Rok can’t stand you. That’s why Kira wants you out of Japan for good. That’s why you’ve had a cup of coffee in Damn near every company on the network but you can’t call any of them your home fed. You are just a “methed up” outsider in overalls and a straw hat.”
He points into the camera.
“And that’s all you’ll ever be until you learn to do business, stop being a reckless maniac and try being anything other than the joke you are now.”
He shrugs his shoulders.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong Flo, you are a funny joke….well kinda….”
He waves his hand back and forth, insinuating the joke is really middle of the road at best.
“And at Night Two of Raison D’etre….if you even make it there at all, I’m going to laugh my way to another title defense.”
He rubs his palms together.
“I know this is quite possibly the biggest match of your life but in the Winter Wonderland Deathmatch I'm going to wait till your cold blood freezes over. I’m going to wait till your little heart beat slows down to nothing, and then when you're defenseless and frozen in agony, I’m gonna walk up and super kick that stupid nose off your stupid little face.”
He glared into the camera.
“You're going to find out Florida Man, that jokes like you only make it so far in life. And guys like me, world class champions like me, are always going to be there to put jokes like you back in their place.”
He smirked.
“Curtain jerking with the other clowns.”
He smirks and runs a palm through his hair.
“At Raison D’etre, in Japan, it’s gonna be “See ya later, Alligator.”
He gives a wave and then a crotch chop.
Fade.