Post by Jonnie Valentine on Jan 2, 2024 20:25:56 GMT -5
"Fascination Street" by Xu Xu Fang plays as we open on a rowdy San Diego crowd holding up signs that say “I Hate Kilroy”, “San Diego Is Phil Country”, “Everyone Knows Who The Headless Horseman Is”, “Joey Little Hose”, “Start By Shaving Dan’s Chest”, “Kilroy Fears Florida Man”, “This Is The End”, “The Anointed”, “I Heart El Rey”, “The New Watts Rules”, “Save Me Captain Righteous!”, “Kilroy Has A Cross To Bare”, “Always Very Blessed”, and ‘Shit Storm 4 Has An Orwellian Flavor”
Phil Blauer is standing in the ring with a house microphone. The audience chants “PHIL!! PHIL!! PHIL!!”
Phillip Blauer: “San Diego?” (pauses for effect) “I’m home…”
The crowd roars as Phil closes his eyes and rolls his head back as the chants of “PHIL!! PHIL!! PHIL!!” are deafening. Phil soaks them in until they die down, and are replaced by “GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS! GUILLERMO SUCKS!”
Phillip Blauer: “Yes, yes he does. But I’m not here to talk about how that…I’m…”
Phil is drowned out by the “GUILLERMO SUCKS!” chants. At ringside, Guillermo tosses his pen over his shoulder in frustration. Phil pats his heart, and nods, getting a little choked up
Phillip Blauer: “Thank you so much. You don’t know how much it means to me to hear that. We have returned to the great city of San Diego. America’s Finest City, and America’s Finest Announcer are once again reunited!”
The San Diego fans cheer and Phil starts feeling his wild oats. He tries to do a funky chicken head bob, but gives up halfway through
Guillermo O’Bannon: We gotta start this show…
Phillip Blauer: “Keep it up! We got all night!”
The audience chants “PHIL!! PHIL!! PHIL!!” and Phil does the King Tut dance to the beat
Phillip Blauer: “Tonight is a special evening, and I decided to spend it with my special lady. Tonight for the first time ever, joining me at the announce table, the lovely, vivacious, and wealthy…Mrs. Dorothy Blauer!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: What?? We finally get to see her??
Every eyeball in The Viejas Arena turns as 1944’s “GI Jive’ by Johnny Mercer plays and the 106 year old Dorothy Blauer is wheeled out on a wheelchair by several medical attendants. They roll her down the aisle, and her entire body quakes on every bump, going over every cable. Phil goes out to greet her at ringside
Phillip Blauer: Hello my beautiful bride.
Dorothy Blauer: Who am I?
Phillip Blauer: Why, (pretends to be confused) your name is Dorothy! And I am your doting and legal husband, Phillip.
Dorothy Blauer: Phillip?
Phillip Blauer: Yes dear?
Dorothy Blauer: Are you my son?
Phillip Blauer: (chuckles, embarrassed) No, as I said, I’m your hubby.
Dorothy Blauer: (points at him) You’re the man that gets me my cigarettes.
Guillermo Oannon: I can’t believe she is still smoking.
Phillip Blauer: (chuckles some more) That’s right, that’s right. Now let’s get you behind the announce desk…
Dorothy Blauer: There’s a fondue set here…
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, just throw that anywhere.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, it is so great to see you, Dorothy…
Dorothy Blauer: Phillip? There’s an Irish Spaniard here.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, I know. You can just throw him anywhere as well.
Phil pushes Dorothy’s wheelchair behind the desk, scooching everything uncomfortably together. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. pans the camera over to give them space and there’s a man standing next to the table
Phillip Blauer: You. You’ve got a lot of guts showing up here.
Bill Blauer: Hi, Phil.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who are you??
Phillip Blauer: It’s my evil twin brother, Bill Blauer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But you look nothing alike?
Phillip Blauer: I had plastic surgery so that I didn’t have to look in the mirror and see that face ever again.
Dorothy Blauer: (points at Bill) You’re the man that gets me my cigarettes.
Phillip Blauer: NO, I’M THE MAN THAT GETS YOU YOUR CIGARETTES!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stop it, Phil. You’re scaring Dorothy. Sit down, Bill. I had no idea Phil even had a brother.
Bill Blauer: Really? That’s a shame. I’m a huge wrestling fan. I can’t believe he gets to call matches in Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: Pfft, like that’s some big prize.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What do you do?
Bill Blauer: Me? Oh, I’m just a lawyer.
Phillip Blauer: Figures, some corporate parasite, sucking from the teet of capitalism. How do you even sleep at night?
Bill Blauer: Oh, fine. But I actually represent Amnesty International, and on the weekends I do some pro-bono work helping people fight slumlords in the San Diego area.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, I bet those “slum lords” as you slur them with, are hard working Americans just hoping to make a little investment pay off. Then you come along and their American dream is ruined by your clients asking for wiring that doesn’t catch fire, and drinking water that doesn’t smell a little like feces. You make me sick.
Bill Blauer: Sorry to hear that.
Dorothy Blauer: (points at Bill) You’re that man that made me close down my asbestos plant run by orphans.
Bill Blauer: Good to see you, Dorothy. Would you like some skittles?
Dorothy Blauer: I’m sorry, but I’m deathly allergic to red dye #40.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey, sorry, this is crazy but, would you like to sit in and do commentary tonight?
Phillip Blauer: What? No, we don’t have enough headsets, and Kenny Valentine Jr. back in audio will have too much trouble keeping up with three people let alone four…
Bill Blauer: Sure!
Phillip Blauer: (looks at Guillermo) You’ll pay for this.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m sure. Here, take Dorothy’s headset. She’s got enough voices in her head.
Phillip Blauer: (sputters as Guillermo takes the headset off Dorothy’s head)
Bill Blauer: Wow, I really appreciate it. Thanks!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, we have a huge show for you here tonight. The X Crown Championship and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship is on the line in the same match, as Cross Recoba puts them on the line in his match with the winner of the 2023 Hardkore Helloween Cup, Kilroy Evans.
Phillip Blauer: …
Bill Blauer: Phil, are you OK?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He usually doesn’t respond to anything I say.
Bill Blauer: Wow, doesn’t that make it hard to do a broadcast?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It does, but my therapist Dr. Carole’s hand puppet Mr. Whiskers says I’m not responsible for other people’s thoughts and actions…
Phillip Blauer: You’re still going to that quack that keeps her files locked in that easy to jimmy file cabinet??
Dorothy Blauer: My father sent me to a therapist the first time I wore long pants. They had me all shaved for the lobotomy before I came to my senses and put my dresses back on. That used to be big business back then. You went to school to be a lobotomy barber…
Bill Blauer: (interjecting over their arguing) Um, well…I think Cross has wrestled a lot of different types of wrestlers in his career, uh, but Kilroy is the last of a dying breed. However, Cross Recoba has proved he is a survivor these past few months, and it is now on Kilroy to figure out where to succeed where so many have failed.
Everyone stops arguing and freezes
Phillip Blauer: What…was that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think…it was earnest analysis.
Phillip Blauer: In Hardkore World?? The people won’t stand for it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Let’s see if he can do it again. Bill?
Bill nods
Guillermo O’Bannon: What do you think about the Hardkore World Tag Team title match?
Bill Blauer: Well…
Bill notices everyone looking at him
Bill Blauer: The End is fresh off of winning the XHF World Tag Team titles and are the hottest team in the XHF right now, but Team Fairtex are nearly 20 year veterans and have the bonds of being twin brothers, so we’ll see if they’re experience is enough to stop the runaway train that The End is recently?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow…
Yolanda Ando: He listened to what you said and then answered with pertinent information!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I can’t believe there’s another way.
Phillip Blauer: Pfft, like that’s so impressive. Let’s see him do a luau with JROK talent he’s never cared to learn about.
Dorothy Blauer: I’m cold and I think the attendant in the elevator stole my purse.
Phillip Blauer: Your purse is in your lap, and I keep telling you that guy was Jonnie.
“Baba O’Reilly” by The Who plays and Moondog Dook comes down to the ring, chewing on his bone with a chain wrapped around his neck. He barks at the fans who jeer him
Dorothy Blauer: Phillip, you didn’t tell me you work with railroad hobos.
Phillip Blauer: Well my dear, I do.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moondog Dook looking to start out the evening with a big bang here tonight as he takes on newcomer Captain Righteous.
Phillip Blauer: Wait until you see this guy, he’s amazing!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I can’t remember Phil liking anyone before, except maybe that enhancement guy Joey Stalin.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, that kid had moxie!
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to the Viejas Arena for tonight’s Hardkore World action. The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Featuring first, from Parts Unknown; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 260 pounds; The Infamous…MOONDOG DOOK!!!”
The San Diego audience boos
A choir of children begin to sing after a lengthy sinister haunting piano melody is played, searchlights look around the arena for none other than Captain Righteous who comes floating down from above the crowd. His cape flaps majestically as he rests both hands on his waist, smiling and scanning the cheering crowd below.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, sweetie, sweetie. This is the guy I was telling you about! I was walking down the street and I watched as a landlord was about to evict a family out of their home over the phone.
Dorothy Blauer: Lousy freeloaders.
Phillip Blauer: I know! Then the landlord was about to walk into busy traffic…
Dorothy Blauer: Oh my! Somebody stop him!
Phillip Blauer: That’s what I screamed in a shrill voice! But then Captain Righteous saved him and allowed him to complete the eviction. Captain Righteous saved the day!
Dorothy Blauer: What a hero!
Captain Righteous lands half way down the ramp where he walks confidently towards the ring
Bill Blauer: Give that family my number.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous made his debut in Hartford, easily defeating The Martian, now he takes on grizzled veteran Moondog Dook here in San Diego.
Phillip Blauer: Where he’s getting a hero’s welcome!
Captain Righteous floats from outside the ring, over the ropes and finally lands in the ring.
Phillip Blauer: Well, would you look at that? You don’t see a lot of that in Amnesty International do ya?
Bill Blauer: Well no, I was in Botswana mostly last year, successfully campaigning to stop an execution of two unjustly accused men, and well, they didn’t get Hardkore World out there.
Phillip Blauer: (to Dorothy, mocking Bill) “They don’t get Hardkore out there.” You see why we all hated him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous wants to be the face of Hardkore World, he says we deserve it, but we’ll see.
Phillip Blauer: He was fudging it a little with the “we deserve it” part, but that’s just what kind of guy we’re talking about here.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Manhattan, Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 275 pounds; The Hardkore Superhero…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Righteous stalking the ring like the true apex predator, letting Moondog Dook know that he's the best, and that this is his ring
Captain Righteous vs. Moondog Dook
Richie Richardson signals for the bell. Moondog Dook charges Captain Righteous and hammers him with punches but Righteous just looks at him
Phillip Blauer: His hillbilly lice powers have no effect on Captain Righteous!
Bill Blauer: Moondog Dook headbutts him but Captain Righteous just smiles at him!
Righteous suddenly gets a cold look in his eye, and goozles Dook by the throat. Dook’s eyes bug out as Righteous chokes him with one hand
Dorothy Blauer: Why, he’s faster than a speeding bullet!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous backs Dook into the ropes, and then shoots him to the other side. He catches Dook with a one armed sidewalk slam!
The fans cheer the impact of the sidewalk slam. Captain Righteous pulls Dook up by his wild hair, and then presses him over his head
Bill Blauer: Captain Righteous gorilla presses Moondog Dook over his head and is just walking him effortlessly around the ring!
Phillip Blauer: Look at the power of Righteousness!
Dorothy Blauer: He’s stronger than a locomotive!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous drops Dook into a gutbuster!
The Viejas Arena pops! Moondog Dook flops around the mat like a fish out of water, holding his stomach
Bill Blauer: Righteous pulls Moondog Dook up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous jumps up and cracks him with a flying headbutt smash!
Moondog Dook is sprawled out. Captain Righteous does a super hero post for the San Diego audience and they applaud
Phillip Blauer: These fans know good people. Nick Fucking Cannon is from San Diego.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ted Danson.
Dorothy Blauer: Dr. Seuss.
Bill Blauer: Adam Driver.
Phillip Blauer: Scott Peterson.
Captain Righteous lifts him up into a sleeper hold. He thrashes Moondog Dook from side to side, and then lays out into a neckbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Land of Milk and Honey!!
Bill Blauer: Captain Righteous irish whops Moondog Dook into the corner, and then rams his shoulder into his stomach.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous with another shoulder shot to Dook’s abdomen. He backs up, and then runs in with a back elbow to the face.
Captain Righteous grabs Moondog Dook in a front facelock, and then steps up to the second turnbuckle. He jumps off with his tornado DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous Purge!! Drilling Moondog Dook’s head into the mat there!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!
The bell rings and “The Evil Morty” music begins. Captain Righteous stands tall with his arms folded
Greg Jin: “At 4 minutes 29 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous with a dominant win here in San Diego tonight.
Phillip Blauer: All our problems are solved. This guy is going to save us from our biggest nemesis. Ourselves.
Bill Blauer: Careful, Phil. This is how you got talked into Amway.
Phillip Blauer: It’s betting on yourself, Bill. The greatest wager you can make.
The San Diego fans pat Captain Righteous on the chest and back as he walks to the back. He flinches from time to time, and slaps some of the audience members’ hands away
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous is a power house wrestler that looks like he’s going to make some noise here on the West Coast. Coming up though, is five time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion The Great Syberus taking on former Hardkore California Champion “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse.
CCW
We’re a wrestling territory that doesn’t worry about political correctness. If you want to see the top stars of the past who you haven’t heard from in a while, look no further!
A compilation of promos play
“Sweet Daddy” Jackie Fontaine: Woo Daddy, ya know ever since that lady from my wrestling school posted those screen grabs of my text messages, I have always wanted to be the CCW Champion!
—
The Dark Angel: Mr. Amazing, you and others in the CCW talk about morality, but what is morality? Is it robbing a man of his livelihood, just because he gets lonely sometimes? Just because he likes to take some pictures and send them as a goof? I sent them with a silly face emoji!!
—
Rottweiler Jones: (barking) Roo, roo, roo! There’s only one thing worse than my driving record, and that’s my bite, Daddy! Wether it’s in the ring, on the floor, or on a viral dash cam video, no one fights harder than Rottweiler Jones!!
—
“Juicy” Jimmy Wilson: The Wilson Brothers are here in CCW! Ya know, alot of things are going around online about my brother Fred. But I’m a good younger brother, and I stick by Fred no matter what he did or didn’t do. And we’re here to take the CCW Tag Team Championships!
“Filthy” Fred Wilson: I appreciate that, Jimmy. And to all the other CCW teams, here’s a little warning. When I’m legally allowed to leave my house again, you’re gonna have The Wilson Brothers to deal with.
Canceled Championship Wrestling
Fade back up on the announce position where Dorothy is in the middle of a tawdry joke
Dorothy Blauer: …and then he says “Sorry lady, but I just need to check your tires”.
Everyone except Phil laughs at the joke
Phillip Blauer: Ok, ok…I think we’ve all had enough potty humor.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (wipes a tear) That was so good.
Bill Blauer: It really was.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure we’ve got another wrestling thing to do though. Tight schedule and all that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, I guess. Our next match features the returning five time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Syberus taking on former Hardkore California Champion “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse.
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the San Diego audience boos. “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse dances at the top of the ramp with Mary Yellowbird at his side.
Dorothy Blauer: Who is that sexy Native Ameri-YUM?
Phillip Blauer: My dear? I’ve never heard you speak in such a way!
Dorothy Blauer: Mmm, Momma want!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse respects Syberus as a competitor and has been watching his old matches like his 2006 Hardkore World Heavyweight title win over Robert Hunglestien III in Albuquerque, but also his 2008 loss to Kilroy Evans in Manchester, England to look for weaknesses.
“El Exotico” Joey Little Horse comes over to the announce position and starts dancing for Dorothy
Dorothy Blauer: Oh yeah! Come over here, Momma’s got something for you!
Dorothy slips some money into Joey Little Horse’s trunks
Phillip Blauer: Dorothy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: How much was that?
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know, she mostly carries confederate money.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse says he wants to see what Syberus has left, and that Mary Yellowbird wants to test him against the best.
Yolanda Ando: Joey Little Horse wears a small loin cloth with yellow trunks underneath.
Dorothy Blauer: If only it was a little smaller…
Phillip Blauer: What has gotten into you?
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mary Yellowbird; From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
The San Diego fans boo, taking Joey Little Horse back a little.
The Viejas Arena’s lights cut and the old Indian head "Please Stand By" TV signal fills the screens. "Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle starts up and the crowd reach their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage. Syb takes a brief look around at the crowd before heading down the ramp
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus made his grand return at Hardkore Helloween 2023, taking care of “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall. He had his doubts stepping back into the ring, about whether his neck would hold up. He was able to make quick work of Cornwall, but now takes on a more experienced wrestler, Joey Little Horse.
Once up the ring steps Syberus wipes his feet on the apron before stooping through the ropes.
Bill Blauer: Syberus is wisely taking the more deliberate route back to the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, but has to be careful not to look too far ahead, as Joey Little Horse has scored some big upsets in the past.
Dorothy Blauer: One has to be careful around the English, as they’re usually pickpockets. They bring it all back to the boarding house with the chimney sweeps and the ladies of the evening, so they can sing their nightly song.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is she talking about?
Phillip Blauer: Her learned experiences! .
Yolanda Ando: Syberus wears black trunks with gold laurel wreaths decorating the front and back. Five gold stars emblazon the rear also. He wears black knee pads and black boots, his boots depict Alexander and Darius respectively taken from the Alexander mosaic found in Pompeii. His wrists and palms are taped in white. To the ring he wears a traditional full length wrestling robe, red with gold roses throughout.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Manchester, England; He stands 6 feet tall; Weighing 220 pounds; The Five Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
The San Diego fans jeer the smirking Syberus
The Great Syberus vs. "El Exotico" Joey Little Horse
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. The Great Syberus seems amused as Joey Little Horse points at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse steps forward and jabs a finger into Syberus’ shoulder.
Bill Blauer: I’d be careful, Syberus has got an entire move list just for fingers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Exotico shoves Syberus!
Joey Little Horse points towards the back before he pushes Syberus once more.
Phillip Blauer: 15 year veteran Joey Little Horse feels that the last thing this crowd needs is more wrestling holds, but sexy, sexy dancing.
Dorothy Blauer: I hardly disagree.
Syberus looks down and then looks back up to make eye contact with Joey Little Horse while the audience buzzes in anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus slams a forearm into Little Horse’s face!
Little Horse stumbles back before Syberus starts firing off punches
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus snaps him into the ropes. He hits a hard clothesline on the rebound, and the bigger man topples!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus charged forward to kick him in the spine!
The crowd boos, and Little Horse grabs at his back before he starts to rise.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse fires back with some tomahawk chops!
Bill Blauer: Little Horse whacking him with those chops, and Syberus hits back with a kick to his shin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse cracks him with a right hook. Syberus grabs him by the hair and smashes his face into the turnbuckle.
Syberus rams Little Horse’s face into the turnbuckle again, but the third time, Joey blocks it with his boot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse bashes Syberus across the jaw with a forearm, and then lights him up with some rapid fire punches.
Bill Blauer: Syberus back pedaling as Joey Little Horse smacks him with some more tomahawk chops and an open palm strike.
Syberus seems to draw strength from some invisible source and then reaches out and rakes Little Horse’s eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Eye Rake From Hell!
Dorothy Blauer: He scratched that man’s eyes with the power of Hades!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs him in an inverted facelock and drops down into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…Joey Little Horse rolls his shoulder up!
The Viejas Arena boos. Syberus drags Little Horse to his feet, but the big man fires Syberus off at the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse hits a shoulder block, and Syberus is rocked backwards.
Little Horse pulls Syberus up by the hair and fires him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse charges in, hitting a splash!
The audience jeers as Joey Little Horse smacks him with some more tomahawk chops in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse grabs him with a front facelock and climbs up to the second turnbuckle.
Bill Blauer: He jumps off with a tornado DDT, but the five time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion pushes him off!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse gets to his feet, but Syberus kicks him in the kneecap amd then basement dropkicks him in the knee!
Bill Blauer: The Great Syberus ties up his legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf! He sits down low, pulling Little Horse’s legs towards his head, bending him in half!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Syberus was here in San Diego was June of 2022 when he defeated Tuxedo Mask in the semi-finals of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament. Before that, in January of 2008, he went to a time limit draw with Andrew Karnage for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
Bill Blauer: I think we all remember that nail biting classic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then back in July of 2006, he, along with Kilroy Evans and Marty Donovan as The Un-Stable, successfully defended their Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles against “Platinum” Pat Bozzini, Death Gojira, and Paul Soutter. He first debuted here in June of 2005, he lost to Cyrus “The F’n Vyrus” Williams in the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament.
Kelly O’Connell asks Joey Little Horse if he wants to tap out, but he shakes his head. Syberus continues to crane back on Little Horse’s legs
Bill Blauer: Joey Little Horse does a push up, and is able to power out of the texas cloverleaf!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse ducks under a forearm, and then drops Syberus on his head with a ¾ nelson suplex!
Bill Blauer: Joey Little Horse sticks his knees into Syberus’ back, and rolls him up into a bow and arrow!
The San Diego fans boo. Joey Little Horse tries to break Syberus’ spine across his knees
Dorothy Blauer: In my day, a bow and arrow wasn’t something you named a wrestling hold. It was how your grandpappy died bringing you across the Great Plains.
Syberus refuses to tap out to Kelly O’Connell so Joey Little Horse releases the bow and arrow and pulls him to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus ducks a tomahawk chop, and locks on a rear waistlock. He german suplexes Little Horse!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse rolls his shoulder up!
The Viejas Arena rocks with boos and Little Horse staggers to his feet. before Syberus shrugs!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Diamond cutter by Syberus!
Bill Blauer: Syberus pulls him up into a single underhook, and drills Joey Little Horse’s head into the canvas with that legendary DDT!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Pure Confidence!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell, and the audience boos. “Weak And Powerless” by Perfect Circle plays as Syberus raises one arm from a sitting position
Greg Jin: “At 10 minutes 8 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus collects another win on his way back to the top.
Dorothy Blauer: That poor Indian looks sad.
Phillip Blauer: Never mind him. I’m sure someone just littered or something.
Syberus walks to the back while the audience jeers and heckles him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is a match between “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall and whoever is wrestling under that mask calling himself Kalmin Watts.
Fade to Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. in a bathroom, undressing
Just draw a steaming hot bath for yourself, light some candles, and throw in one of my delicious bath bombs.
A now nude Larry (with pixelated genitalia) tosses the bath bomb in the tub, then gets in
Then soak for a few minutes in anticipation of the amazing meal you have waiting for you. Soon, the bath bomb disintegrates and noodles, broth, and chicken will fill your tub.
Larry Valentine’s eyes pop with delight as noodles, chicken and carrots float to the surface, as the water turns yellow, hopefully from broth. Larry takes the spoon he left on the side of the tub and starts digging in to the bath soup all around him
Blauer Bath Bombs now also come in Cream of Mushroom, Yankee Bean, and if you’d like a spicy little trip south of the border, Chicken Tortilla. Aye yi yi!
Close on a shot of Larry wringing out his sponge in his mouth
Fade back up on Phil, Guillermo, Bill, and Dorothy. Dorothy is in the middle of another joke
Dorothy Blauer: …and then the Latvian says, “This one says his name is Kevin.”
Everyone but Phil laughs hysterically. Phil folds his arms and pouts
Guillermo O’Bannon: (tries to regain his composure) I wasn’t sure where that one was headed, but man, that is funny.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think we should be telling those kinds of jokes anymore.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh relax.
Phillip Blauer: My apologies to any Latvians that might have heard that joke.
Dorothy Blauer: Oh, lighten up, Phil.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next is a match between the new “Kalmin Watts” and “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall.
Bill Blauer: This is an intriguing match up as we have no idea who is under that mask and neither does Cornwall.
“Don't Look Back In Anger" by Oasis plays and the San Diego fans jeer as Callum marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulders.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After recently dropping a decision to his hero Syberus, Callum Cornwall could sure use a victory here.
Bill Blauer: Well, this could be his best chance of getting it, as the confusion over who is under the mask, and whoever that is attempting to wrestle like Kalmin Watts has lead to some sloppy work.
Yolanda Ando: Callum Cornwall wears simple wrestling boots and black tights that have tentacles painted on them in gold.
Dorothy Blauer: Who is this sickly boy? Is he here to beg me for a shilling? Off with you! And don’t think those three ghosts that visit me every night are going to convince me otherwise!
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Salford in the United Kingdom; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
The San Diego fans boo. Callum Cornwall holds up the flag in the center of the ring and begins to stretch for his match.
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. A masked man walks out from behind the curtain, waving to the cheering fans. Anthony Jordan walks out
Dorothy Blauer: Oh no, is this a stick up? Phillip, hide my valuables!
Phil takes her jewels and rings, pocketing them.
Phillip Blauer: I’ll take those, my dear. (pats his pocket) But I wouldn’t worry. Why, look at that young masked man. Looks full of life and vigor, whoever he is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: There were those, including Kalmin Watts himself, who thought the man under the mask might just be Anthony Jordan, but at Hardkore Helloween 2023, but Jordan proved them wrong by appearing next to him.
Bill Blauer: Kalmin put his hands on his former manager, and the masked man made him pay the price.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It just begs the question. Why is Anthony Jordan doing this? Kalmin Watts is clearly healthy enough to compete again, however, ever since Watts lost the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship back to Cross Recoba, there seems to have been a split.
Bill Blauer: Potentially whoever is under that mask is easier to control than Kalmin was.
Yolanda Ando: Kalmin Watts, or whoever that is, is wearing a crimson mask with an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Anthony Jordan; Hailing from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The crowd cheers wildly as the masked man waves back at them
"Kalmin Watts" vs. "The Salford Squid" Callum Cornwall
Bill Blauer: Now that I’m looking at him, whoever this is, does not look 6 foot 6.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, definitely not. The Salford Squid goes in for a lock up, but “Kalmin” arm drags him.
Bill Blauer: Another lightning fast arm drag from this masked man. He whacks Callum Cornwall with some hard chops.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You can hear those stiff chops throughout The Viejas Arena.
Callum Cornwall backs into the ropes from the chops to his chest. The masked man irish whips Squid into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Kalmin Watts” back drops Cornwall high over his back!
The crowd pops as Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside. The masked man applies an armbar on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: The man calling himself Watts clamps down on that arm, sticking his knee in the ball of Cornwall’s shoulder.
Bill Blauer: He’s trying to rip Squid’s arm out of its socket.
Phillip Blauer: That’s tentacle, little brother.
Bill Blauer: We’re twins, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: Yes, but I was first.
Callum Cornwall works his way back to his feet with the masked man holding on to the armbar
Bill Blauer: Both men back up to a vertical base, but this guy with the mask is really torquing that arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall uses his free arm to crack “Watts” with an elbow. Another one frees him!
Bill Blauer: Callum Cornwall twirls around into a discus elbow smash!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall irish whips him into the ropes and takes him out with a leg lariat!
The San Diego fans boo and Anthony Jordan yells instructions to his client from the outside. The Squid climbs to the outside apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Salford Squid springboards off the middle of the top, but the mystery man clotheslines him out of his boots!
Bill Blauer: Wow, he nearly took his head off with that one.
Phillip Blauer: He probably inked.
Dorothy Blauer: I know I did.
Phillip Blauer: (disingenuously) And she’s all mine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Kalmin Watts” applies an abdominal stretch. He tries to use that…6 foot 6…?
Bill Blauer: He looks closer to 6’2, I’d say?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He uses that taller frame, let’s go with, to really put Cornwall on the rack.
Callum Cornwall grimaces in pain. The masked man reaches his hand out, and Anthony Jordan holds onto it, to give him added leverage. The San Diego fans woop and holler
Phillip Blauer: Finally! Tony Baloney is doing something to really help one of his guys. Manager of the Year, I would say.
Bill Blauer: This new “Watts” looks like he’ll do anything for a win.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan out of position and is not seeing Anthony Jordan giving his client some help with added balance.
The Salford Squid shakes his head, refusing to give up to Tommy Milligan. Finally, Milligan comes around and sees Jordan holding the masked man’s hand
Bill Blauer: Thank goodness, Tommy finally saw Anthony Jordan interfering.
Phillip Blauer: He picks now to grow some eyes?
Dorothy Blauer: I would love to grow some new eyes. The child from Guatemala’s eyes I bought didn’t make it through customs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan trying to force this mystery man to break the abdominal stretch, but he’s hanging onto it.
Bill Blauer: Milligan issuing the five count, but The Salford Squid takes advantage of the distraction and hip tosses the masked man over!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Watts” cuts him off when he gets up, and goes for a suplex, but Cornwall inside cradles him!
…ONE!
…”Kalmin Watts” kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall half nelson hammerlocks him for a tiger suplex, but the masked man blocks it.
Bill Blauer: This guy in the mask does a go behind and reverses it into a chicken wing crossface!
The fans cheer. The masked man chokes up on Cornwall’s adam’s apple, while hammerlocking his arm behind him
Bill Blauer: Cornwall tries to fight going down, but the masked man pulls him down in the chicken wing crossface.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall reaching out for the ropes before the lights go out. Tommy Milligan in perfect position to see the tap out if it happens.
Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside. He yells some instructions, and his client breaks the crossface and pulls Cornwall up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The masked man irish whips Cornwall into the ropes and catches him with a belly to belly suplex where he lands on top of him for the pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The audience pops as “Boomer Sooner” by the Oklahoma University Marching band plays. Anthony Jordan quickly gets in to the ring to raise the masked man’s hand in victory
Greg Jin: “At 8 minutes 32 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’KALMIN WATTS’!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is just getting weirder and weirder.
Bill Blauer: How long is Anthony Jordan going to pretend this guy is Kalmin Watts when we have seen the real one come out and confront them?
Phillip Blauer: As long as they got to pretend Aunt Viv was the same lady that got lippy with the Fresh Prince.
Kalmin Watts starts walking down to the ring to boos from the Viejas Arena. Both the masked man and Anthony Jordan seem to gulp at the prospect of being in the ring with the big man
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, here is the real Kalmin Watts! Maybe we can just ask him.
Phillip Blauer: This guy. Take the hint. The new Watts is much better.
Kalmin Watts steps through the ropes and asks for the house mic from Greg Jin. He taps it to make sure it’s working
Kalmin Watts: “You know, I am done watching you pretend this sawed off pretender is me! You want to say you’re Kalmin Watts?”
The masked man and Anthony Jordan signal for Kalmin Watts to slow down
Kalmin Watts: “Well, why don’t you try and beat the real Kalmin Watts!”
Anthony Jordan: “Kalmin, buddy. Come on, I keep telling you, you’ve got this all wrong…
Kalmin Watts: “How could I have this wrong, Anthony?? You’ve had someone else, PRETEND to be me…”
While Kalmin Watts has his back turned, the masked man runs the ropes and hits Watts from behind with a double ax handle
Guillermo O’Bannon: This masked guy just hit Kalmin Watts with his own Oklahoma Hammer from behind!!
Phillip Blauer: The irony!
Bill Blauer: He full nelsons Watts’ arms and pitched him forward into a reverse russian legsweep!
Phillip Blauer: He’s taking off the mask!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s...it’s...Bobby Nowa??
Phillip Blauer: Bobby Nowa has been Kalmin Watts this entire time?
Bill Blauer: No, Phil. Bobby Nowa has been Kalmin Watts while he was under the mask.
The San Diego fans are cheering, chanting “NOWA! NOWA! NOWA!” as Bobby Nowa slides out of the ring and grabs a chair. He slides it under the ropes and climbs back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa single underhook Kalmin’s arm, and drives his head into the mat with the Nowa Daze DDT on the chair!!
Bill Blauer: That move that he stole from Syberus!
Kalmin Watts is motionless, lying facedown on a chair. The rogue fans roar as Bobby Nowa raises his arms again, with Anthony Jordan joining in, raising his arms, standing next to Nowa
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan has deceived and betrayed his client so that he could join up with the former Hardkore America Champion Bobby Nowa!
Bill Blauer: Who still has a Hardkore California title match with Joe Nobody later on tonight.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stay tuned fans, we still have Florida Man vs. El Rey, coming up!
Fade up to the covered bridge in Tarry Town, NY, aka Sleepy Hollow. Soon, a horse rides up to the camera with a man with a pumpkin mask
The Headless Horseman: Lemme tell you a lil somethin bout da Headleth Hortheman, daddy. Ya see, he represent everybody who ever been run off a dey land, and forced to put on a lil pumpkin head. A lil pumpkin head to hide dey shame, to hide dey anger, to hide all da tings wrong wit em!
Dis my horse. She named Bessie, unnerstand? Bessie here like carrots, she like apples, but da ting she like da mose is Rice Krispie Treats! Dey make her a lil round in da middle, juss like me. She see dem Rice Krispie Treats and she go Snap, Crackle, Pop! And dats what yer body gonna do Stevie Awesome! Cause see dis?
Lifts up the bullrope for the camera
The Headless Horseman: Dis ain’t no cow string. It’s a bull rope, jack! An it’s gotta a big ole bell right here at da top! An I’m gunna hit you wit dis bell, and den I’mma be like Chris Walken, who happened to have offered me a part in da Deer Hunter, but da Headleth Hortheman was working Florida, and da territory was hot! Couldn’t miss no dates, so dey gave it to Bobby Deniro, who did an admirable job, daddy. But anyway, I’m gonna be sayin “I’m gonna need more cowbell!” An we gunna get funky like a monkey upside your big ole hairy head, for da tings you been doin roun here! Cause at da end a da match, dey gonna be two people missin dey heads, hunny child! Woo, lawd!
Dorothy is telling another joke
Dorothy Blauer: So then the third nun says, “Well, looks like I didn’t need the turkey baster after all!”
Everyone but Phil falls out of their chair laughing
Phillip Blauer: That is repugnant. These are ladies of God!
Yolanda Ando: (laughing) I’m gonna pee my pants…I’m gonna pee my pants…
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was the best one.
Bill Blauer: Classic.
Phillip Blauer: I guess I don’t see what’s so funny about three nuns going to a Chippendale’s. Those are our tax exempt dollars!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh jeez, Phil. Anyway, coming up is our match between El Rey and Florida Man.
“Gimme Some Lovin'” by The Spencer Davis Group plays and the San Diego fans cheer. Florida Man walks out with the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship strapped around his waist. He stops and signs a couple masks that some kids in the front row were wearing and he waves into the camera. The kids were extremely happy until they realized the signatures were illegible gibberish because Flo wasn’t paying attention to what he was doing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man is on the prowl, and surprisingly popular here in San Diego.
Bill Blauer: Well, the leathery skin, the pea sized brain. It makes sense.
Dorothy Blauer: Phillip, the dinosaurs are back! They’ve come to take me back with them.
Phillip Blauer: Let me go! I’m sure they just want to talk.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I really think the new year will be the year Florida Man finally breaks out!
Phillip Blauer: Break out of what? Prison?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Despite winning his YTA Championship back from him in Japan, Florida Man still has a grudge to settle with Kilroy Evans, but tonight he has his blurry sights on El Rey. A win over the third generation superstar would be big right now.
Bill Blauer: Florida Man thinks that Jonnie is booking him in bad spots recently, pointing to his success is England and Japan, but now is his chance to prove he deserves to be in the top spot over here on the West Coast.
Yolanda Ando: Florida wears a mask resembling an old Halloween gorn mask, only the snout has been elongated to look more like a gator. A wide brim straw hat appears to have been stitched into the mask. The brim is angled to look like a halo. A small hole in the corner of his plastic toothy smile is so he can easily access his cigarettes, but at the moment it holds a piece of straw to complete his lackadaisical country swagger. Instead of traditional tights, he wears overalls and vintage Publix tee.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from America’s Wang, God’s Waiting Room, The Gunshine State of Florida; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 198 pounds; He is One Half of the Wrestle:UK Tag Team Champions…FLORIDA MAN!!!”
The San Diego fans cheer wildly for Florida Man
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that, and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente, with the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist
Guillermo O’Banon: Here comes El Rey. Decorated champion and proud member of The Anointed. Though with AVB and Wesley Crane awol you gotta wonder what’s left of the Anointed?
Phillip Blauer: What do you mean “what’s left of the Anointed?” Did you see on the last show that Steve shot Marty with a fireball? The Anointed achieved their goals! We don’t even need to exist anymore. But we will for the merchandise sales.
Guillermo O’Banon: Oh really? And exactly how much of a cut do you actually get?
Phillip Blauer: Enough to care, Gilgamesh. Enough to care.
Dorothy Blauer: Well this one is pretty easy on the eyes too. Why didn’t you tell me you work with such handsome men, Phillip?
Phillip Blauer: I thought I was handsome enough for you?
Dorothy Blauer: (pats his hand) That’s alright, sometimes I get confused too.
El Rey looks around soaking up the surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey believes this match will prove the superiority of Georgia to Florida.
Phillip Blauer: I’m not really sure why you want to debate the best part of the Deep South? Feels like trying to win World’s Tallest Midget.
Bill Blauer: They’re little people now, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: They sure are.
El Rey strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the San Diego fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey did not love the comments Florida Man made about his mother last month at Hardkore Helloween 2023…
Dorothy Blauer: Last month? But it’s December…oh, Phillip. I don’t feel so well.
Phillip Blauer: I’ll get your pills, dear.
At ringside, El Rey leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey has anxiously anticipated this match, not only to prove Georgia is better than Florida, but to shut the mouth of Florida Man.
Phillip Blauer: It’s more of an elongated snout.
Greg Jin: “And from Atlanta, Georgia; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 203 pounds; He is The Current GUNS JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…Atlanta’s Favorite Son…EL REY!!!”
The audience cheers and El Rey poses for the fans
El Rey vs. Florida Man
The bell rings and the match begins. El Rey comes in ready to strike but Florida Man tells Rey to wait a second. Atlanta's favorite son obliges the gator and does.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well we’re seconds into this match and Florida Man stops the match to a halt. Wait what’s he digging in his pocket for? Are those….food stamps?
Flo tries to offer them to El Rey if he lays down for him.
Bill Blauer: El Rey isn’t having it and he argues.
Flo just throws them into El Rey’s face and they scatter around the air like confetti confusing El Rey just long enough to blast Rey with a huge forearm smash to the face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The former XCrown champion staggers back and slips out of the ring through the middle and top rope!
Phillip Blauer: Hey that’s not fair! El Rey has never been poor in his life! Of course he got confused, he’s never even seen a food stamp before!
El Rey glares into the ring with as Flo motions for him to bring it on. El Rey climbs back into the ring
Bill Blauer: El Rey nails Flo with a knee strike and then a combo of strikes that leaves Florida Man dazed!
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey loads Flo onto his shoulders looking for El-Reytio Variation Three, but Flo elbows out and slips down behind Rey. Flo nails a few clubbing strikes to the back of Rey’s head and neck and then Flo loads Rey onto his shoulders and starts an airplane spin.
Bill Blauer: Round and round he goes. When he’ll stop? No one knows.
Time passes as Flo continues to spin.
Phillip Blauer: I do, but I’m sworn to secrecy.
Florida Man continues his Never Stop Spinning airplane spin. Apparently Florida Man is the FLORIDA State spinning champion. Apparently they have a spinning championship in FLORIDA. Finally Flo stops spinning and lets Rey off his shoulders.
Phillip Blauer: Ok, it’s now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey tries to throw a couple strikes but he can’t even stand still he’s so dizzy.
El Rey falls a couple times as the crowd laughs and cheers on Flo.
Bill Blauer: Florida Man’s antics have this whole place laughing and…
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey climbs back to his feet, stumbles back, hits the ropes and still manages to absolutely drill Florida Man with a big claymore style flying kick!
Florida Man does a whole spin in the air before he hits the ground. Rey sits in the corner liking what he did and attempting to get his head straight.
Phillip Blauer: And just like a Dane Cook comedy show, nobody is laughing anymore, Gorgonzola.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Credit where it’s due, even while dizzy El Rey still landed that kick with precision. And quite possibly turned this match around. That says a lot about his ability.
El Rey finally shakes off the spinning in his head and notices Florida Man starting to stir.
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey measures up and he nails the gator with a rocker dropper! Flo goes face first and Rey hooks the leg for the first pinfall of the match.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Guillermo O’Banon: And El Rey stays on Flo with strikes and kicks.
Bill Blauer: Not giving Florida Man any room to breathe.
Phillip Blauer: Just like my marriage.
Dorothy Blauer: Hmm?
Phillip Blauer: I said I wish we could get in a horse drawn carriage.
Dorothy Blauer: That’s sweet.
Guillermo O’Banon: El Rey now, ducks a swing from the opponent and goes behind for a release dragon suplex!
Bill Blauer: Florida Man rolls onto his back and Rey does a standing shooting star and goes for the cover!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Phillip Blauer: Florida Man is just putting off the inevitable here. Just like the old people who flock to his home state.
Bill Blauer: Before Florida Man is all the way up to his feet, El Rey hits a rana that gets Flo caught up in the ropes!
Guillermo O’Banon: El Rey runs in with a 619 that sends Flo back into the ring!
Phillip Blauer: Why, that’s our area code here in San Diego!
The Gator gets up on spaghetti legs and El Rey leaps up for a springboard, but El Rey then does a jump upward to spin in midair so that he was now facing the entrance ramp.
Bill Blauer: On the second springboard, El Rey flips back and lands behind Florida Man while grabbing his head for a reverse DDT!
Guillermo O’Banon: El-Reytio Variation Number Two!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man gets his shoulder up!
El Rey argues with Richie Richardson a bit and then turns to face Florida Man
Guillermo O’Banon: Florida Man pops up out of nowhere with a stone cold stunner!
El Rey flips backward, his legs hit the ropes and he bounces back and flops onto his stomach. Florida Man is trying to turn El Rey over.
Phillip Blauer: Wait! Rey wake up!
Bill Blauer: Florida Man finally rolls EL Rey over and drapes his arms over Rey for the pin.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…El Rey kicks out
El Rey has a look of shock on his face. FLORIDA tries to decide what to do next and suddenly the top rope catches his rubber eyed gaze. Flo gets up and starts to climb up to the turnbuckle from inside the ring.
Bill Blauer: Florida Man going for the top rope now. He’s thinking of taking a high risk to try and end this thing.
Guillermo O’Banon: Suddenly El Rey pops up to his feet, runs up the ropes behind Florida Man and hits a crossed arm German suplex from the top rope!! X’d Out!!
Phillip Blauer: All Rey has to do is cover him and it’s over. Another Anointed victory party that you can’t come too, Gonzaga.
Guillermo O’Banon: I wouldn’t want to come even if I were invited. Rey goes to cover, but hey look at this….
Phillip Blauer: What is that idiot doing now?
Just as El Rey drops to his knees to make the pin, Florida Man starts to roll himself away from being pinned. Rey, still on his knees, chases Flo, but Rey is just one step behind until Flo rolls himself out of the ring.
Guillermo O’Banon: Florida Man instinctively rolls himself out of the ring to escape the pin.
Phillip Blauer: I wouldn’t call it instinctual. That was probably just a drug related spasm.
Bill Blauer: El Rey climbs out of the ring and grabs Flo. He bashed his head off the ring steps!!
The sound of Florida Man’s head hitting the steel ring steps rings through the VIejas Arena
Guillermo O’Banon: El Rey smashes Florida Man’s face into the apron now!
El Rey rolls Florida Man back iinto the ring. El Rey calls for the end and then climbs the top rope
Phillip Blauer: This is where El Rey really shines. With his ability in the air. And Risk.
Bill Blauer: This is a high risk maneuver…
Phillip Blauer: (squeezing the bridge of his nose) I’m talking about the board game, Bill.
Guillermo O’Banon: El Rey leaps off the top rope with the 630 senton, but Florida Man rolls out of the way at the last second!!
The audience groans and Rey bounces off the ring, clutching his back in pain. Florida Man climbs back to his feet and measures El Rey up
Guillermo O’Banon: Florida Man lifts him up into a suplex and then drops him with a MindBlower brainbuster!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The fans cheer as Florida Man raises both arms excitedly. “Gimme Some Lovin'” by The Spencer Davis Group plays
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 19 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…FLORIDA MAN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man said he wanted to be considered for a shot at Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, and this win here tonight over the former X Crown Champion El Rey definitely puts him in line for that!
Florida Man goes to the outside and celebrates with the jubilant fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man with a huge victory here in San Diego, and he is whooping it up with the fans here.
Dorothy Blauer: I’m just happy that the dinosaur seems to have done something for itself. They’ve had such a time lately.
Bill Blauer: Lately?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t go away fans, we have the big cage match between Alexander Von Blankenship and “The Punisher” Dan Stein coming up!
Coming In February, Hardkore World Goes Hollywood!
Join us in Los Angeles at the Toyota Center where you will see stars like Cross Recoba, Simon Cruise, The End, and The Great Syberus!
Tickets on sale now!
Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. put the finishing touches on the steel cage with Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr.
Dorothy Blauer: In my day, we used to keep the Irish and other criminally insane types in that kind of contraption. You’d pass by them as a schoolgirl and they would stick their hands out, begging for sweets or water. It was hard to tell with that accent.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes, my grandfather told me about them.
Dorothy Blauer: I thought you looked familiar.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the big cage match that has been a long time coming. Dan Stein and Alexander Von Blankenship have been at each other’s throats since October in Coachella when AVB came down and attacked Dan Stein and Domino, attempting to shave off Stein’s mustache before Stein overpowered him and chased him off.
Bill Blauer: That’s right, Guillermo…
Phillip Blauer: Who?
Bill Blauer: Then at Hardkore Helloween 2023, Dan Stein brutalized him in that barbed wire and eliminated him from the Helloween qualifier.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now these two will be locked in a cage to see if they can settle their differences for good.
A thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere.
Dorothy Blauer: Phillip?? There’s a fire! Where are the exits?? I don’t want to die like all the children in my textile mill!
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
Hasbulla steps out through the curtain, blowing his whistle. Alexander Von Blankenship steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. The San Diego fans pop huge for them, especially Hasbulla. AVB holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face.
Phillip Blauer: Such a pious young lad.
Dorothy Blauer: They don’t make them like that anymore.
Bill Blauer: Good.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now
I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring he points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better than you" as he goes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship is that rare type where it seems he gets stronger the more the match goes on. He can take an enormous amount of punishment, making him lethal towards the red zone of the match as it were.
Yolanda Ando: Alexander Von Blankenship wears white satin boxing trunks with dark blue trim. He has “Blessed” written across the waist band.
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave
'Cause I'm peeping the visuals,
I bring the visuals
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, he gives the cage the sign of the cross. He steps into the cage and climbs the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd he yells out "Always Very Blessed" before jumping down into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Alexander Von Blankenship was here in San Diego was June 2022 when he defeated Kilroy Evans in the semi-finals of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title tournament. He’s hoping he can knock off another big Hardkore World legend here tonight!
Greg Jin: “The following Steel Cage Match is scheduled for one fall. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, From Amsterdam in The Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 Pounds…The Son of a Bastard…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP, AVB!!!”
The Viejas Arena darkens, and three heartbeats are heard.
Three symbols flash, synchronized with the beats:
<ALPHA>
<OMEGA>
<a stylized DS logo>
The lights abruptly come on again as “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays over the PA. “The Punisher” Dan Stein makes his way to the ring area with his sunglasses on and scowl on his face with Domino following behind as the San Diego fans boo them
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wants to tear AVB apart for trying to shave his mustache, and with that cage, Von Blankenship has nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide.
Phillip Blauer: But is AVB locked in there with Stein? Or is Stein locked in there with AVB?
Bill Blauer: No, AVB is locked in with Stein.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Totally.
Phillip Blauer: Ok, I was just asking. Jeez.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein got all the way to the Helloween finals, but lost to Kilroy Evans after a hellacious night of barbed wire. Domino has attempted to light a fire under him, reminding him of what he lost, hoping it will propel him to brutalize Alexander Von Blankenship for trying to shave his mustache.
Upon entering the cage, Stein thrusts up his trusty club, the Peacemaker, to the jeers of the crowd.
Phillip Blauer: Honestly, Dan has to check his chick. I wouldn’t let Dorothy tell me what to do like that, right babe?
Bill Blauer: She’s asleep, Phil.
Dorothy is napping
Yolanda Ando: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. His elbow is wrapped. Stein brings a worn, taped up black club called the Peacemaker with him as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein is tired of his former stable The Anointed attacking him and his friends, and wants to put an end to Alexander Von Blankenship’s obsession with shaving his mustache tonight.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is accompanied to the ring by Domino! From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds…He is ’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
The Viejas Arena boos as Dan Stein stares at Alexander Von Blankenship, who smirks back at him. Hasbulla blows his whistle on the outside
Steel Cage Match
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell as Tommy Milligan locks the cage door
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship walks right up to Dan Stein!
Phillip Blauer: You see? He’s not scared to go face to uh, chest, with Dan!
They both nod at one another, but as Von Blankenship turns to walk away, he kicks Stein in the balls! The San Diego fans roar their approval
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on!
Phillip Blauer: Listen to this ovation! It’s pandemonium! You can’t argue with the people, Gipetto!
Dan Stein goes down, clutching his nether regions. Hasbulla whistles on the outside while Domino complains to Kelly O’Connell. AVB stomps Dan Stein’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship repeatedly stomping the head and chest of Dan Stein. He pulls him up in a front facelock, and then twists him around into a swinging neckbreaker.
The crowd cheers. AVB starts stomping and kicking Dan’s knees
Bill Blauer: The son of the legend trying to take out the big man’s knees early.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He pulls Dan Stein up, and whacks him in the chest with a stiff chop. Another hard chop to the chest of The Punisher!
Dan Stein just glares at him! The Vieja Arena jeers and AVB looks at his hand to see if it’s working
Bill Blauer: Uh oh, looks like Dan Stein doesn’t mind those chops so much.
Phillip Blauer: He just needs to do it again. Probably a dud.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship chops him again but he just made Stein madder!
Hasbulla blows on his whistle in panic as Alexander Von Blankenship starts back pedaling, asking Dan to think of his poor father, Rat Bastard
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan grabs AVB and tosses him headfirst into the cage!!
The crowd boos as Alexander Von Blankenship flops to the mat. Stein pulls him up and irish whips him hard into the turnbuckles. A slight trickle of blood is running down AVB’s face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein grabs the ropes and rams his shoulderblade into Von Blankenship’s stomach, again and again.
Bill Blauer: The Punisher now placing his boot on Von Blankenship’s throat, choking him with his foot with those long legs of his.
Guillermo O’Bannon: For what it’s worth, Dan is undefeated here in San Diego. The last time he was here was in July of 2006, when he defeated The Shootfighter. The previous time, in June of 2005, he defeated Devon Stevens.
Phillip Blauer: That’s what it is. These people are still mad about him beating Devon Stevens.
Von Blankenship slides down in the corner, but Dan Stein keeps on top of him with stomp after stomp as the boos rain down on him. He turns around and screams at the braying San Diegans
Phillip Blauer: That’s it, my minions, boo this man!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein scoops him up on his shoulder and runs out of the corner with a powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein pulls AVB up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes. He goes for a big boot, but Von Blankenship grabs his boot, and takes him down with a dragon screw legwhip.
The crowd comes to life! AVB checks his forehead and his hand comes back bloody. His face twists into an angry snarl. Hasbulla triumphantly blows his whistle outside the cage, while Domino pounds on the cage for Stein to get up
Dorothy Blauer: Phillip? Phillip? I believe I’m back in Munchkin Land, and the traffic cop is quite cross with me.
Phillip Blauer: No dear, that’s an itty bitty person…
Bill Blauer: Little person.
Phillip Blauer: …and that’s just the way he talks. He’s like our little R2D2.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship with a few more stomps to Stein’s knee.
Bill Blauer: He pulls Dan Stein up by the hair and pulls him over to the cage. AVB now raking Dan’s face back and forth across the cage!
Alexander Von Blankenship lets him go, and waits for Stein to turn around. When he does, he superkicks him under the jaw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: A bleeding Alexander Von Blankenship gets on top of Dan Stein, hammering him with punches, trying to open him up as well!
The San Diego crowd gets loud as AVB pummels Stein with his fists. The fans chant “AVB! AVB! AVB!” Hasbulla dances around ringside, whistling with each punch. Von Blankenship gets up and points to his bloody hand, and then spits on Dan
Bill Blauer: That is disgusting.
Phillip Blauer: I have to agree with you there, brother. Alex needs to wash his hands before supper.
Alexander Von Blankenship signals to Hasbulla that he wants something, and the fans roar in anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hasbulla now handing Dan Stein the hair clippers through the cage!
Bill Blauer: He’s going to shave Dan Stein’s mustache!
Phillip Blauer: I, for one, am all for this! Time to update the look a bit.
Domino slaps the cage over and over, trying to alert Stein to the clippers. A busted open AVB smirks and starts pantomiming shaving Dan’s mustache
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship holds Dan by the hair and puts the clippers to Stein’s lip…but Stein catches his wrist!
The Viejas Arena rocks with boos and AVB’s eyes bug out of his head. He tries to force the clippers over to Dan’s mustache, but Stein holds Von Blankenship’s wrist with a death grip
Phillip Blauer: AVB can’t let Stein have those clippers! He moves a lot of roast beef with those lovely locks!
Dorothy Blauer: Makes me want The Meats.
Phillip Blauer: Dorothy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein now pushing the hair clippers towards AVB’s face!
The jeers get deafening as Alexander Von Blankenship shakes his head, trying to move his hair away. Hasbulla blows his whistle, urging AVB to resist
Bill Blauer: He’s shaving Alexander’s eyebrow!
Phillip Blauer: No!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein shaves off AVB’s right eyebrow!
Hasbulla whistles in protest while Alexander Von Blankenship covers his eyebrow, trying to keep Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. from getting a close up of it
Phillip Blauer: Where is Kelly O’Connell?? Get in there, hair clippers aren’t legal!
Bill Blauer: You were fine with him shaving Dan’s mustache…
Phillip Blauer: You can live without a mustache, Bill!
Dorothy Blauer: I haven’t had most of my spleen since 1988.
Phillip Blauer: See? Spleens, mustaches, you don’t need them. But an eyebrow??
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein rolls AVB around and drops down into a rude awakening!
A bloody Von Blankenship sits up, clutching the back of his neck. Dan Stein pulls him up and irish whips him into the ropes, flipping him head over heels with a lariat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein Line!!
The San Diego fans jeer loudly as a bleeding Dan screams with his arms outstretched
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein gorilla presses Alexander Von Blankenship over his head!
The audience doesn’t appreciate the spectacle of Stein walking AVB around the ring. Hasbulla blows on his whistle outside the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein lawn darts AVB’s head into the cage wall!!
Alexander Von Blankenship bounces off the cage and the momentum makes him roll a few times. Domino turns around and addresses several rude fans in the front row. Stein pulls AVB up into a suplex, and then drops him into a sitout owendriver ‘97
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein Screw Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The audience boos as “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays. Dan Stein shoves AVB’s legs away from him and raises his arm
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes, 51 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
Domino steps through the door of the cage and raises a crimson masked Dan Stein’s hands in victory as the audience yells their disapproval
Bill Blauer: Maybe it was the fire Domino lit underneath him, but Dan Stein definitely seemed more aggressive than we’ve seen him since his return from back surgery.
Phillip Blauer: He took another man’s eyebrow for Pete’s sake! That’s gotta be a fine, a demerit, something!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship was the one who introduced the clippers into the match, and he paid dearly for it.
Bill Blauer: Stein also debuted his new finisher, The Stein Screw Driver, and AVB hasn’t moved yet!
Hasbulla is in the cage now, and gently shakes AVB. Dan Stein walks to the back, threatening anyone who says anything to Domino. Von Blankenship slowly begins to stir and rolls on his side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t go away fans, the bullrope match his coming up next!
Voiceover saxophone music and B roll of male strippers
“Hey ladies, got a bachelorette party or birthday coming up? Wanna a way to spice it up? How about Discreet Encounters?”
Woman’s Whisper: Discrete Encounters…
“What’s sexier than seeing your future mother-in-law motorboat the butt of a 20 year old guy you think you recognize from the deli at the grocery store?”
Woman’s Whisper: She’s going to ask you to Venmo him for extras, because she can’t figure out how Venmo works…
“Look, but don’t talk to them ladies, or else you’ll find out he has a daughter he hasn’t spoken to in years!”
Woman’s Whisper: He lives in his old football coach’s apartment over his garage…
“Our dancers are exotic and mysterious, like our pricing plan!”
Woman’s Whisper: Three guys will tell you the price you agreed on is “...a piece,” when they get there…
“That’s Discrete Encounters, proudly helping ex-convicts get back into society for 12 years!”
Woman’s Whisper: “Hiring The Bachelorette Killer was a mistake…”
Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr., Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. are finally done taking down the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is a match between Steve Awesome and this mysterious Headless Horseman who showed up in Hartford to taunt Steve Awesome during his match with Pork Dirkmeyer in a bullrope match.
All the lights in The Viejas Arena die out as the crowd cheers
Some of the crowd start chanting
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
{Dramatic Pause.}
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in the Viejas Arena explode to life! The audience cheers as the lights flash green and black to the beat. Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her won't you tell her for me/
It's better this way to avoid all the misery
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring
Phillip Blauer: There he is, fresh as a daisy, after melting Marty Donovan’s face so that he’s so hideous that he has to wear a pumpkin for a head.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We don’t know that at all. Especially Steve Awesome who says he is looking at this as a chance to end this newcomer’s career before it gets started so that he can vault up the ratings and get a shot at Cross Recoba’s Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
Steve Awesome walks down the aisle with the XHF Hardcore Championship strapped around his waist, striding past the cheering San Diego fans, patting him on the back and shoulders
Phillip Blauer: He really gave ol’ Tuna Meltzer the what for in preparation for this match didn’t he?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He really did. All in the name of sending a message to this mystery man that he doesn’t see him as any kind of threat.
Dorothy Blauer: That’s the man from the Poop Blizzard pictures. Oh, I do enjoy those so. I love the one where Barry Wimbledon is tussling with the Australian fellow, and when all looks lost, Barry shows him the pin of the grenade that he stuffed in his pants. Then his genitals explode in the most fantastic way. Barry’s lady friend asks what happens, and Barry says “Let’s just say he’s singing a different tune now.”
Phillip Blauer: Mmm, because his testicals were gone. Sometimes you have to watch them a few times to get all the easter eggs.
Dorothy Blauer: No, that was the Easter Special where he rescued the Easter Bunny from ISIS.
Bill Blauer: That video where the Easter Bunny is kneeling in front of his captors still haunts my dreams.
The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him
Yolanda Ando: Steve Awesome wears neon green tights with a bunch of black sparkly "SA"'s patterned on his tights similar to HBK. On the butt, it says "Awesome" inside a heart. He has black kneepads with the logo on each knee. black and green boots. He also wears black with green trim wristbands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Awesome trying to portray himself as unbothered by this Headless Horseman, but I have my doubts.
Greg Jin: “The following is a Bullrope Match, the match cannot end until one man tags all four turnbuckles. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds; He is the Prettiest Player in the Game, He is The Current XHF HARDCORE CHAMPION…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
The San Diego fans cheer loudly
The lights go out and a spotlight hits the curtain.
“Midnight Rider” by Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings plays. The audience boos as an unsteady Headless Horseman comes out on a horse being lead by its trainer. The Headless Horseman is carrying the bull rope with the metal bell attached. The jeers scare the horse and it goes up on it’s hind legs a little
Phillip Blauer: Woah, Nelly!
Dorothy Blauer: That’s why we replaced them with motor carriages. Sure you have to remember your scarf and bug goggles, but at least they aren’t bucking our Presidents to the ground anymore.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Great point, Dorothy. We don’t know much about this mysterious Headless Horseman, other than he has an bone to pick with Steve Awesome.
Phillip Blauer: I hardly see why. The guy is a locker room leader. He always thanks Scorpion and Sweet Bone Daddy when they carry his bags. I tell him not to, but he’s that kind of guy.
The trainer continues to lead the scared horse, who is whinnying and snorting at the booing audience
Phillip Blauer: Dorothy, if that thing goes mad, I may need to use your wheelchair, and by default, you yourself as cover.
Dorothy Blauer: Hmm? Oh yes, it’s quite cold, I could use a nice cover.
Yolanda Ando: The Headless Horseman is dressed in all black, bodysuit and tights with yellow gloves and elbow pads. He’s got a pumpkin mask.
Bill Blauer: Yes, he does.
The Headless Horseman needs help down from the horse, Bessy, but when he gets down, he’s a ball of energy. He gets in the ring and holds the bull rope up. He swings it around, over his head, prompting Steve Awesome to flee the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman sure seems to know his way around the bull rope!
Phillip Blauer: Is that some sort of skill?
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, From Sleepy Hollow; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 318 pounds…THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN!!!”
The audience boos The Headless Horseman, who raises one arm
Bullrope Match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome refusing to be hooked up to The Headless Horseman with that bull rope.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t blame him. Look at that thing, looks like you could get tetanus from that bell alone. They should at least check it for spiders.
Dorothy Blauer: Spiders??
Phillip Blauer: No, there’s no spiders. No spiders, Dorothy. Sorry, she’s deathly afraid of spiders due to her allergy to their bite.
Phil smoothes Dorothy’s hair to calm her as she panics. Inside the ring, Tommy Milligan is threatening Steve Awesome with disqualification if he won’t strap himself to the bull rope
Dorothy Blauer: Why are they making that man tie himself to the pumpkin head, Phillip?
Phillip Blauer: Shhh, I don’t know, dear. I don’t know.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome finally relenting and allowing Tommy Milligan to attach him to the bullrope.
Tommy Milligan straps Awesome’s wrist to the bullrope, but Awesome uses the distraction to blast Horseman with the bell
Phillip Blauer: Now he’s ready.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pressing the bottom of that bell into Horseman’s throat in the corner. He’s now stomping and kicking him.
The fans are loving every minute of it. Awesome steps on Horseman’s throat and leans on the ropes
Bill Blauer: Steve Awesome is now choking Horseman with the bull rope!
Phillip Blauer: Seems pretty standard for this match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman now fighting his way back to his feet with Awesome still pressing that rope against his throat. But the Horseman hits him on the top of the head with bionic elbow!
The Viejas Arena boos. Steve Awesome is doubled over, but he grabs the bell and jams it into Horseman’s groin
Phillip Blauer: Well, that put out that fire.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome trying to pull off that mask!
The fans cheer wildly as The Headless Horseman desperately tries to hang onto the mask from being violently ripped off his head
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, let’s see who this joker is!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome pulling him up by the mask, but The Headless Horseman rams that bell into Steve’s groin now!
Phillip Blauer: What?? You can’t do that in a bull rope match! It shames the very cowboys that made this famous!
The Headless Horseman shows the bell to the jeering fans
Bill Blauer: The Headless Horseman blasts Steve Awesome on the top of the head with that metal cow bell!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman pulls him up to his knees, and saws that cowbell into the forehead of Steve Awesome!!
The crowd boos as Awesome starts bleeding from his forehead. The Horseman takes the edge of the cowbell and twists it into one of the cuts, making Awesome scream in agony
Phillip Blauer: Who is this guy??
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Horseman pulls him up and cracks him on the top of the head with the bell again!!
Steve Awesome stands there for a second, blinking, with blood running down his forehead. Then he goes down like a redwood, sprawled out
Bill Blauer: Steve Awesome thought this would be a walk in the park against some new rookie, but it looks like The Headless Horseman asked for this specific match for a reason!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, go save some orphans.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman kneels down, braces Awesome’s head against his knee, and cracks that bell across his forehead!!
The audience groans and boos, and The Horseman gives Awesome a kick to the ribs
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman gets a little tangled in the rope, and Steve quickly uses it to his advantage and pulls the rope up tight across Horseman’s groin!
The crowd comes to life, and Horseman flips over from the impact. As The Horseman tries to get up, Awesome approaches him
Bill Blauer: Steve Awesome with a step up enzuigiri to the side of The Horseman’s ear!
Phillip Blauer: He doesn’t have a head, Bill, how is he going to have an ear? Leave this to the professionals.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome takes that cowbell, waits for The Headless Horseman to get up and dives at him, blasting him in the face with it!!
The Headless Horseman is sprawled out from the shot. The San Diego fans cheer. Steve Awesome walks over and tags the first turnbuckle, and Tommy Milligan counts it
ONE!
Bill Blauer: Steve Awesome attempting to end this now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A bleeding Awesome goes to the second turnbuckle but he can’t quite make it. He’s forced to drag The Headless Horseman with him, and he touches the second turnbuckle!
TWO!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome now going over to the third turnbuckle, but The Headless Horseman pulls back on the bull rope!
Bill Blauer: Awesome trying to drag him, but The Headless Horseman putting the brakes on.
Phillip Blauer: Come on, ya fat tub of goo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman now on his feet and cracks Awesome with a bionic elbow on the top of his head, dropping him to the mat!
Phillip Blauer: There must be something in those elbow pads.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman now choking Steve Awesome on the second rope, using the bull rope as well!
The Viejas Arena rains boos down on him. The Horseman rakes the bull rope across the cuts on Awesome’s forehead, causing him to scream
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Horseman now goes down stairs with a bell shot to the kidneys!
Bill Blauer: He pulls Steve Awesome up, and hits him with a jab. Another jab!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman hits Steve Awesome with two more jabs, and then does some windmills with his hands, gyrating his hips…
The Headless Horseman motions for a woozy Steve Awesome to stay there. Then he picks up the cowbell
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Horseman cracks Awesome with that bell again and he goes down hard!!
The audience is deafening with jeers and heckling of The Headless Horseman. He steps up on the second turnbuckle with the cowbell in his hand
Bill Blauer: But Steve Awesome yanks on the bull rope, and The Headless Horseman comes crashing down!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome gets to his feet and Thigh Slapper Superkicks him upside the head!!
The crowd is jumping up and down, as Steve Awesome pulls him up into a fireman’s carry, then swings him into a TKO
Guillermo O’Bannon: SteveKO!! Steve Awesome gets up and collapses into the first turnbuckle!
ONE!
Bill Blauer: Awesome staggers over and touches the second turnbuckle!
TWO!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome wraps the bull rope around, The Headless Horseman’s wrist, and is now dragging him over to the third corner!
The San Diego audience is rooting Steve on as he lugs The Headless Horseman with him. He reaches out and tags the third turnbuckle
Phillip Blauer: One more to go!
Dorothy Blauer: Until what?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulling The Headless Horseman along to the final corner, but The Horseman is back up!
Bill Blauer: They’re having a tug of war!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulling back on that rope, but suddenly The Headless Horseman gives in to the momentum and runs in with a v-trigger!!
Steve Awesome falls back into the corner! Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and the Viejas Arena erupts with cheers
Phillip Blauer: He did it!
Bill Blauer: Did what? Fall fortuitously?
"Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones plays as a loopy Steve Awesome lies in the corner. Tommy Milligan explains the situation to The Headless Horseman over and over
Greg Jin: “At 12 minutes 4 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan signaling that Steve Awesome did in fact touch the final turnbuckle, but it looks like The Headless Horseman isn’t done!
Phillip Blauer: The match is over! Tommy Milligan has to unhook him now!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Milligan has unhooked him, but The Headless Horseman whipping Awesome in the back with the bull rope!
Bill Blauer: Steve Awesome is getting out of there!
A busted open Steve Awesome staggers up the aisle, looking bewildered. Inside the ring, The Headless Horseman starts taking off his fat suit and pulling on his pumpkin mask,
Bill Blauer: I think we’re about to find out who The Headless Horseman is!
Phillip Blauer: I bet you anything it’s Suikerbossie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Marty Donovan!! He’s back!
The Viejas Arena boos and Steve Awesome just keeps shaking his head, saying “No no no no no no…”
Bill Blauer: Steve can’t believe it!
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, because the guy just did a phony baloney retirement announcement! You can’t do that! This is professional wrestling!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well he did it! And he has quite a history here in San Diego. Back in June of 2022, he lost to Natalie Burrows in a first round match in a tournament for the Hardkore West Coast Championship. This is where he beat Jagi Shiro in a TLC match in January of 2008. In July of 2006, he, along with Kilroy Evans and Syberus as The Un-Stable, successfully defended their Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles against “Platinum” Pat Bozzini, Death Gojira, and Paul Soutter.
Phillip Blauer: Enough with the history class, Mr. Belding!
Bill Blauer: It makes sense he lost, it’s pretty hard to win a wrestling match in a fat suit.
Steve Awesome holds his head in hands, muttering “No no no no no…” as Marty Donovan holds up the cowbell to the booing fans
Dorothy Blauer: Is this a different person?
Phillip Blauer: Yes, it’s a different person! A person who has made a mockery of retirement, horses, and pumpkins!! I thought he was out of my life forever, but he was just riding a horsey!
Bill Blauer: Calm down, brother.
Phillip Blauer: I will not calm my tits! I’m sorry to be the last person here who believes in honesty, sportsmanship, and the proper rendition of the song Midnight Rider!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the Hardkore California Championship match fans, stay tuned!
Coming in March, Hardkore World goes to the Desert!
Join us in Phoenix at the McKale Center where you will see stars like El Rey, The Sheik, Bobby Nowa and Joe Nobody!
Tickets on sale now!
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. fades back up on Guillermo O’Bannon, Phil Blauer, Dorothy Blauer, and Bill Blauer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the Hardkore California Championship match between Joe Nobody and Bobby Nowa.
Bill Blauer: I had been looking forward to this match all night, and then we had the earlier bombshell that Bobby Nowa has been wrestling as Kalmin Watts against Simon Cruise, Hardkore Helloween, and earlier this evening as well!
“Suicide is Painless” by the Manic Street Preachers plays and the San Diego audience pops. Anthony Jordan walks out alongside Bobby Nowa. Nowa has the old Hardkore America Championship wrapped around his waist
Bill Blauer: I really feel like these people are just popping for the MASH theme song.
Phillip Blauer: How dare you. At long last, have you no sense of decency?
Dorothy Blauer: I knew Gary Burghoff, who played Radar…
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we said previously, Bobby Nowa defeated “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall earlier in the evening…
Dorothy Blauer: …Biblically.
Guillermo throws his pen over his shoulder in resignation
Dorothy Blauer: He was tender, but resolute.
Phillip Blauer: Well, isn’t that a fine how-do-you-do??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Guys! (to the viewers) The last time Bobby Nowa was here in San Diego was June of 2004, when he defeated Greg “The Great” Daniels in a blue bar steel cage match.
Bill Blauer: Fun fact, Greg Daniels is the nephew of current Diamond Training Facility star Dana “The Drone” Daniels here in the XHF.
Phillip Blauer: That wasn’t fun at all. Talk about bait and switch.
Bobby Nowa slowly walks down to the ring with no acknowledgement of the cheering fans. Anthony Jordan gives him some last minute advice in his ear when he gets to ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: It might be a good thing for Bobby Nowa to have Anthony Jordan in his corner, as per usual, he had to be filled in on who his opponent was, for a title match.
Phillip Blauer: So he’s not a big research guy, big deal. Did you know the Beatles couldn’t read music?
Yolanda Ando: Bobby Nowa has short messy dark brown hair, and a full thick beard with touches of gray in it. He wears dark green & white tights, with a matching headband. He wears a graphic t-shirt that says “Dunder Mifflin” with black boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Nevertheless, Bobby Nowa took issue with the tone and the comments made by the Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody, and vowed to make him submit here tonight and take his title.
Bill Blauer: And with Anthony Jordan at his side, who has already managed Kalmin Watts to the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, he very well could. However, he did wrestle “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall earlier on this evening.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We’ll see how his conditioning comes into play.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson, Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Anthony Jordan; From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 242 pounds; The Hardkore America Champion…BOBBY NOWA!!!”
The San Diego fans cheer loudly
The lights in The Viejas Arena dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The San Diego fans jeer as the lyrics begin appearing on the screen
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!! Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie and the Hardkore California Championship belt around his waist before making his way to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody with his first title defense against former Hardkore America Champion, Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion, and Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Champion Bobby Nowa. He says he also didn’t do a lot of research…
Phillip Blauer: Oh, but I bet it’s fine when he does it.
Bill Blauer: As long as he wins.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But he by no means isn’t taking Nowa’s challenge seriously. He says he has been a journeyman of sorts over the course of his career, but he’s found a home here on the West Coast and Hardkore World.
Joe Nobody arrives at the ring steps and takes two steps before he stops suddenly. He turns and walks down the ring steps to the front row. There’s a little boy in the front row, and Nobody takes his signature fedora off and puts it on the little boy, who shows it off the camera
Dorothy Blauer: Take that hat off that lad’s head this instant! It makes him look like a mobster.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody’s dedicating this match to the men and women in the Marine Corps at nearby Camp Pendleton.
Dorothy Blauer: Then why bring it up?
Phillip Blauer: Exactly!
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Joe says he doubts Bobby Nowa can still go after his time off, and even if he can, Nobody has been through it all over his career. He says he’s the Hardkore California Champion for the residents of this state.
Phillip Blauer: Well he’s not doing it for the people in this arena, listen to the boo birds!
Bill Blauer: That’s because they’re just booing everyone you don’t like.
Phillip Blauer: The power I have over this city. I could make them all walk in the ocean if I wanted.
Guillermo and Bill both look at Phil, who has a far away look in his eye. Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, He is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The San Diego fans boo as Joe Nobody loosens the ropes
Hardkore California Championship Match
Bobby Nowa and Joe Nobody lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Nowa quickly gets the advantage with a front facelock
Phillip Blauer: That move haunts Jack Perry’s dreams.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa leans back on the front facelock, trying to cut off Nobody’s air early.
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody slips his head out and takes him over in an armdrag.
Bobby Nowa gets up and runs right into another armdrag. He gets up again, but this time catches Nobody’s wrist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa takes Nobody over in an ipponzei over the shoulder armdrag.
Bill Blauer: Another signature move of Syberus.
Phillip Blauer: He doesn’t own the arm drag. Right? Or does he?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa applies an arm bar. No, Syberus doesn’t own the arm drag but it is definitely a case of him trying to show him up.
Bobby Nowa leans back on the arm bar, trying to pull Nobody’s arm out of its socket. Nobody works his way to his feet with Nowa hanging on to the arm bar
Bill Blauer: Nowa whacks him in the chest with a knife edge chop. Another one blisters Nobody’s pectorals!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa hits him with a third chop, and then shoots him into the ropes. He back drops Nobody high into the air!
The audience cheers the height he got. Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside as Bobby Nowa motions for Joe to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa goes for a crescent kick, but Joe Nobody catches his foot and takes him over with a dragon screw leg whip.
Bill Blauer: Before Bobby Nowa can get to his feet, Joe Nobody whacks him upside the head with a shining wizard!
The fans let out a collective “OH!” as the sound rings through the Viejas Arena. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a good shot Anthony Jordan wincing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody hooks up their legs and snaps back on a russian leg sweep, and rolls on top for a pin!
…ONE!
…Bobby Nowa kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody goes for a hip toss, but Nowa blocks it and applies an abdominal stretch.
Bill Blauer: Bobby Nowa sticks his foot and reclines back with Nobody’s arm, twisting his abdominal muscles.
Bobby Nowa reaches out and grabs Anthony Jordan’s outstretched hand unbeknownst to referee Richie Richardson. The San Diego audience cheers
Bill Blauer: How can they cheer this?
Phillip Blauer: Why? Just because it’s two men holding hands?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, because it’s cheating, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: Oh that. Eh.
Joe Nobody shakes his head, refusing to quit while Nowa uses that helping hand from Anthony Jordan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa pulls Nobody in with a shortarm clothesline that nearly takes his head off!
The audience cheers. Nowa pulls Joe Nobody up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes
Bill Blauer: Nowa goes for a spinebuster, but Joe Nobody reverses it into a tornado DDT!
The air goes out of the Viejas Arena. Joe Nobody irish whips Nowa into the ropes and hits him with a leaping calf kick
Bill Blauer: Perfect Placement!
Anthony Jordan pounds the mat, yelling instructions to Bobby Nowa. Joe Nobody pulls Nowa up and running tosses him over the ropes to the floor below
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He gets a running start, hops on the middle turnbuckle and missile dropkicks Bobby Nowa on the floor!!
The crowd boos. Nobody grabs Nowa in a front facelock and goes for a DDT, but out of the corner of his eye, he sees Anthony Jordan sneaking up on him
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody turns around and stops Anthony Jordan cold!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody threatening the back pedaling Anthony Jordan, but Bobby Nowa sneaks up on him with a double ax handle, and Nobody goes down!
Bill Blauer: Bobby Nowa grabs Nobody’s legs, and slingshots him face first into the steel corner post!!
The San Diego audience lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Nobody’s skull ringing off the corner post
Dorothy Blauer: What was that gong? Is Death here to drag me away?
Phillip Blauer: Not yet dear.
Anthony Jordan pulls up the ring mats on the floor, and the fans buzz with anticipation
Bill Blauer: Anthony Jordan peeling away any chance for a good outcome for Joe Nobody here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa pulls a now bleeding Joe Nobody’s head into his legs. He pulls him up and drills his skull into the exposed concrete with a piledriver!!
The crowd roars and chants “NOWA!! NOWA!! NOWA!!” as Anthony Jordan helps Bobby Nowa roll Joe Nobody back into the ring. Bobby climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa comes off the top with a ribbreaker double stomp to Joe Nobody’s chest!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa sits on the Hardkore California Champion’s back and applies a camel clutch!
Bill Blauer: Nowa lacing his fingers underneath Nobody’s chin, wrenching back on his head.
Blood drips down Nobody’s face while Nowa sits low on the camel clutch, peeling back on his head and neck. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in but Joe refuses to tap out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa climbs up to the top turnbuckle, and waits for his opponent to get up. He jumps off with a flying double ax handle, but Joe Nobody superkicks him in mid-air!!
The Viejas Arena rocks with boos. An opportunistic Joe Nobody lifts him up into a half nelson slam, into a cutter
Guillermo O’Bannon: ComboBreaker!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Bobby Nowa kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody pulls him up into a front facelock, and then rolls him around, dropping down into a hangman’s neckbreaker!
A bloody Joe Nobody steps through the ropes out on to the apron, and climbs to the top turnbuckle. Anthony Jordan grabs Nobody’s leg, crotching him on the top turnbuckle
Bill Blauer: Blatant interference by Anthony Jordan, come on Pee Wee!
Phillip Blauer: Richie is not infallible. He’s not Matt Lauer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa climbs to the second turnbuckle, and then gut wrenches Nobody into a tigerbomb!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody claps his legs together on Nowa’s head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa irish whips Nobody into the corner and follows him in with a stinger splash!
Joe Nobody staggers out of the corner, and Nowa catches him a full nelson and then pitches him face first into a reverse russian leg sweep
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Rosebud!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody left a gruesome bloody stain on the canvas where his head hit.
Phillip Blauer: People have to roll around in that? This guy.
Anthony Jordan pounds on the apron while the crowd cheers for Nowa. Bobby irish whips Nobody into the ropes and goes for a clothesline, but Nobody ducks and reverses it into a float over DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Status Symbol!
Bill Blauer: Nobody needed a game changer there, and I think that was it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody lifts Nowa up in a full nelson, and then drops him on the back of his head with a release dragon suplex!
The Viejas Arena boos. Nobody wipes some blood out of his eyes and then pulls Nowa up into a suplex position. Bobby blocks the suplex and hooks his leg, rolling back into a small package
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Fruit Roll-Up!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Bill Blauer: That was Bobby Nowa’s finish when he was the Fruity Flyer back in 1997!
Dorothy Blauer: In 1997, I was a groupie for the Cherry Poppin Daddies, the swing group. They thought it gave them street cred to have a woman who took Tommy Dorsey’s virginity.
Phillip Blauer: You could have told me that in Zoot Suit Private.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa pops Joe Nobody in the side of the head with a side crescent kick!
The crimson masked Nobody back pedals into the ropes. Bobby Nowa irish whips Joe into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa flips him inside out with a running lariat!
The San Diego crowd roars! Anthony Jordan points to the air, and Bobby Nowa climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa backflips into a moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa gets behind Joe Nobody and applies a chicken wing crossface!
Bill Blauer: Nowa clamps down across Joe Nobody’s windpipe, while pulling up on his hammerlocked arm, trying to hyperextend the elbow.
The audience pops as Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside. Richie Richardson checks in but Joe Nobody shakes his head
Bill Blauer: The Hardkore California Champion refusing to give up!
A busted open Joe Nobody slips out of the chicken wing crossface and does a go behind. He grabs Nowa in a rear waistlock, and german suplexes him up, then transitions into a wheelbarrow facebuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Victory Buster!!
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody hooks Nowa’s leg with a fisherman’s, then lifts him up into the suplex, only to drop him in an orange crush!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Bobby Nowa kicks out!
The fans cheer Nowa kicking out, while Anthony Jordan pats his heart in relief.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining!”
Joe Nobody pulls Nowa up and takes a swing at him, but Bobby ducks and atomic drops Nobody
Bill Blauer: Bobby Nowa irish whips Joe Nobody into the ropes, and catches him with a belly to belly suplex!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby To Belly!
The audience boos as Kalmin Watts begins running down the aisle to the ring
Phillip Blauer: What is he doing here??
Bill Blauer: Anthony Jordan and Bobby Nowa betrayed Kalmin Watts before and tried to take him out.
Phillip Blauer: Right, so what is he doing here?
Anthony Jordan begs off, trying to reason with Kalmin Watts as the crowd heckles him. Bobby Nowa goes to the ropes at the side of the ring to warn Watts to keep his paws off of Anthony
Bill Blauer: The chickens have come home to roost for Jordan and Nowa!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa gets caught from behind with a running STO from Joe Nobody!! Denial of Perfection!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane and The Viejas Arena rocks with boos. Joe Nobody rolls out of the ring and collects his Hardkore California Championship from Hardkore Timekeeper Randy Valentine Jr.
Greg Jin: “At 22 minutes 32 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…JOE NOBODY!!!”
Phillip Blauer: No! That is blatant interference from Anthony Jordan’s disgruntled ex-employee that cost the rightful Hardkore America Heavyweight Champion Bobby Nowa the Hardkore California Championship!
Bill Blauer: After the beating that Kalmin Watts took earlier after Nowa’s match with “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall, I wouldn’t be surprised if he just woke up.
A blood drenched Joe Nobody walks up to the back with the disapproving fans giving him the thumbs down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nevertheless, Joe Nobody successfully retains the Hardkore California Championship in his first title defense and…Bobby Nowa is not happy with Kalmin Watts right now.
Bill Blauer: I would call it pissed.
Phillip Blauer: Imagine how Bobby Nowa feels. This is like going out with a woman and her ex-boyfriend shows up in the middle to explain how he’s changed.
Bobby Nowa invites Kalmin Watts into the ring and the San DIego crowd pops
Bill Blauer: Kalmin Watts only too happy to oblige…
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Anthony Jordan whacks him from behind with the steel steps!!
The sound of Kalmin Watts’ head ringing off the steel steps thunders through the entire Viejas Arena
Bill Blauer: They used to be so close, and now it’s come to this!
The audience roars as Anthony Jordan stands over Kalmin Watts unmoving body. Bobby Nowa takes the ring stairs from the other side of the ring and places it next to the original stairs, making a pyramid
Bill Blauer: Anthony Jordan drags Kalmin Watts on to the top of the bridged stairs, while Bobby Nowa climbs to the top turnbuckle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa comes off the top with a double stomp to Kalmin Watts’ chest on the bridged ring stairs!!!
The Viejas Arena lets out a collective “OH!” at the sight of Watts getting double stomped on the double stairs with no give
Bill Blauer: Jordan offering up his previous client for his newest client!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The smaller Bobby Nowa squished former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kalmin Watts on those ring stairs!
Kalmin Watts rolls off of the pyramid of stairs, clutching his collarbone. Nowa and Anthony Jordan raise their arms in triumph
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa and Anthony Jordan have bonded as a new force here in Hardkore World.
Bill Blauer: And it looks as though former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kalmin Watts is their first victim!
Dorothy Blauer: Where’s that masked fellow run off to?
Phillip Blauer: Are you referring to the Hamburgler?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is the Hardkore Women’s Championship with Tuxedo Mask suspended over the ring!
Coming in April, it’s the Grand Daddy of them all, Palm Springs Punishment 2024!
Hardkore World comes back to Palm Springs, California at Acrisure Arena for our biggest show of the year!
Tickets on sale now!
Fade up on a shark cage at ringside
Phillip Blauer: Glaucoma, your ride is here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil that’s the cage that Tuxedo Mask will be in to keep him from interfering in tonight’s rematch between three time Hardkore Women’s Champion Ri Eun-Ae and former champion Mickie Fury.
Dorothy Blauer: That’s where we used to keep the town Lutheran. You could throw rotted tomatoes at them for their apostasy, but you couldn’t fall in love with them. That was easier said than done.
“Queen of the Night'' by Whitney Houston plays and a spotlight follows Mickie Fury as the Viejas Arena jeers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury wasn’t able to train with her husband Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen as usual because he was severely beaten by some people Mickie claims were hired by Tuxedo Mask.
Bill Blauer: I could see Tuxedo Mask doing a lot of things, but that seems a little brutal for his tastes.
Phillip Blauer: Boy, has Tux got you snowed.
When Mickie Fury gets to ringside she motions that she wants her Hardkore Women’s Championship back for Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Instead, it was Marcus F. O’Donnell who trained her for this rematch…
Phillip Blauer: He also represented me in my personal injury case against that Pizza Hut slip and fall I had in the garlic butter. Did you know he doesn’t make a dime unless you win? Then he takes 93%.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie says the cage isn’t to protect her from Tux interfering, it’s to protect Tux from her after he sent those men after her husband.
Yolanda Ando: Mickie Fury is dressed in a white catsuit and boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda.
Phillip Blauer: Mickie said that if she does get her hands on Tux he will “feel her fist in a place that is wet and dark and he will scream.”
Dorothy Blauer: Where in heaven’s sake is that??
Fury vaults over the ropes and jumps into the ring. She does some dance moves and then goes to the corner to await her opponent.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Pasadena, California, Currently Residing in Los Angeles, Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 148 pounds; She is the New Bitch In Town…MICKIE FURY!!!”
The San Diego fans boo as Mickie stares down the aisle
"Adrenaline" by Rosetta Stone plays and the audience jeers. Ri Eun-Ae walks out with Tuxedo Mask giving the fans a peace sign
Guillermo O’Bannon: After failing to recapture her Hardkore Women’s Championship in September in Maui, Ri Eun-Ae was able to defeat Mickie Fury at Hardkore Helloween 2023.
Bill Blauer: But not without some controversy and distraction from Tuxedo Mask, hence the need for suspending him over the ring in the shark cage.
Dorothy Blauer: Seems rather severe. There aren’t any administrative steps we could have taken before hanging someone 30 feet in the air?
Phil, Bill and Guillermo: (in unison) Nope.
Tuxedo Mask bats away fans that try and touch him, clearing the way for Ri Eun-Ae to make it to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae says that Hardkore World will see her dominance here tonight as she defeats the former champion once and for all, with no distractions.
Phillip Blauer: (staring at the ring) Well, sure but she’s going to have to look out for Mickie’s power while the former champ will have to be careful of Ri’s strong but soft, supple legs…
Dorothy Blauer: Phillip!
Phillip Blauer: (snaps out of it) Huh?
Dorothy Blauer: That’s it, I am canceling the cable. I knew letting you watch the New Night Court would give you ideas.
Phillip Blauer: First of all, having more channels than just the Praise the Lord network isn’t CABLE!
Eun-Ae climbs to the top turnbuckle and backflips into the ring but the fans boo the effort! She goes to a split and gives them another peace sign as Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a tight close up
Yolanda Ando: Rei Eun-Ae wears a blue and red silk robe that she wears to the ring, and once removed she's wearing a green backless halter top with gold trim and matching shorts and boots.
Greg Jin: “And her opponent, Accompanied to the ring by Tuxedo Mask; From Olympia, Washington; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 148 pounds; She is The Current HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…RI EUN-AE!!!”
The San Diego crowd jeers and heckles Ri Eun-Ae as she yells “Yeah!” while throwing up the peace sign
Hardkore World Women's Championship
Kelly O’Connell tells Tuxedo Mask to go into the shark cage, but he shakes his head
Bill Blauer: Tuxedo Mask refusing to go into the shark cage!
Phillip Blauer: With this crew at the controls, I wouldn’t exactly be running in there to be hung over the ring myself.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well Tuxedo Mask signed a contract to be in there for this match up…
Phillip Blauer: And probably signed away his right to sue in the extremely likely event Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. left to go get a gyro and let the cage drop, causing catastrophic injury.
Mickie Fury loses her patience and walks towards Tuxedo Mask, who back pedals away from her
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury chases Tuxedo Mask into that cage!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae takes advantage of her distraction and hits Mickie Fury in the nose with a palm thrust.
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. Mickie Fury punches Eun-Ae in the stomach. Meanwhile Tux is being locked in the cage. Fury goes for a hip toss, but Ri blocks it
Bill Blauer: Eun-Ae twists Fury’s arm and hits her with a few kicks to her shoulders and the back of the head!
The audience boos. Meanwhile, Tuxedo Mask’s shark cage is being lifted and then moved over the ring
Phillip Blauer: Steady lads…steady.
Dorothy Blauer: Is this a dunk tank? Is he going to say pro-Union things?
Phillip Blauer: He better not, or I will walk out and find some other promotion to barely pay attention to.
Bill Blauer: Guillermo? Guillermo?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (startled) Sorry. I was just daydreaming of that scenario. I’ll be alright, I just, I mean, I just…
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae irish whips her but Mickie Fury reverses it and shoots her chest first into the turnbuckles!
Ri Eun-Ae turns around in the corner, holding her collarbone. Mickie Fury hits her with a running european uppercut, and then goes to the kitty corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury handsprings into a back elbow that rocks Eun-Ae!
Fury hip tosses Eun-Ae out of the corner. Ri gets up, but Mickie deposits her right back on her back with a judo toss. Tuxedo Mask can be heard rooting Ri Eun-Ae on from the shark cage hanging over the ring
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury overwhelming the three time Hardkore Women’s Champion early here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury irish whips Ri Eun-Ae into the ropes and hits her with a stiff running clothesline!
Tuxedo Mask says “Hey, where’s the old ball and chain?” Mickie Fury starts climbing the turnbuckles to get to him
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury climbing the turnbuckles to try and get at Tuxedo Mask!
Phillip Blauer: She’s not going to be able to reach him. That’s crazy sauce.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury blames Tuxedo Mask for whoever attacked her husband and I think Tux is trying to use that to their advantage.
Bill Blauer: But Ri Eun-Ae climbs up behind her and drops her with a back superplex!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The shark cage was supposed to prevent Tux from interfering in this match, but already he is making his presence known.
Phillip Blauer: Pretty typical if you ask me.
Dorothy Blauer: (throws a turnip at the cage) Down with unions!
Phillip Blauer: It’s not a dunk tank, honey.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae pulls her up and irish whips her into the corner. She chokes her with her boot.
The Viejas Arena jeers as Kelly O’Connell gives her a five count to stop the choke
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae pulls her out of the corner with a release german suplex!
Bill Blauer: She pulls Mickie Fury up with another rear waistlock, and german suplexes her again. No bridge, all impact on the back of her neck! You know Guillermo, Mick Foley said the move that took the most time off of his career was that move right there.
Phillip Blauer: Poor chap thinks he’s Santa Claus now, getting lost on his way to the bathroom.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae wraps her legs around Mickie Fury’s head, and applies a reverse triangle choke!
The boos get louder as Eun-Ae pulls on Fury’s arm while facing the mat, squeezing her head and neck with her powerful legs. Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if Micke Fury wants to tap out
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury reaches over and grabs the ropes, and Kelly O’Connell forces Ri Eun-Ae to release her. She begins climbing to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae backflips into a moonsault leg drop, but Mickie Fury rolls out of the way!!
Ri Eun-Ae crash lands on the backs of her legs. She rolls around, holding the back of her thigh in pain. Mickie Fury pulls her up into a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury runs her into the ropes and tumbles back into a bridging back roll press!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Ri Eun-Ae kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae catches Mickie Fury coming in with an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Both ladies looking for any opportunity to end this match!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury catches Eun-Ae in the temple with a step up enzuigiri!
The Viejas Arena lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Fury’s boot hitting the side of Ri Eun-Ae’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury turns her over into a single leg boston crab!
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury reclines backwards with Ri Eun-Ae’s trapped leg, putting her knee in a painful position.
The fans boo as Fury sits back on Ri Eun-Ae’s upper back while cranking back on her calf and foot. Tuxedo Mask claps in the cage above them in support of Eun-Ae
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae crawls over to the side of the ring, and is finally able to grab that bottom rope!
The audience jeers as Kelly O’Connell taps Mickie Fury on the shoulder and forces her to break the half crab
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury scoops her up and bodyslams her over the ropes to the floor below!
The San Diego crowd winces at the awkward way Ri Eun-Ae fell to the concrete. Mickie Fury climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury leaps off the top rope with a plancha on Ri Eun-Ae on the floor!!
The sound of Eun-Ae hitting the railing rings through the Viejas Arena
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury pulls Ri up by the hair, and then uses it to snapmare Eun-Ae on the floor!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury rolls back into the ring and waits for Ri Eun-Ae to get back to her feet. She slingshots herself over into a crossbody on the floor!!
The audience boos. Mickie Fury pulls her up by the hair and leans her against the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury twirls around into a spinning roundhouse kick that takes out Ri Eun-Ae on the floor!
Mickie Fury rolls onto the apron and then uses the ropes to pull herself up onto her feet
Bill Blauer: Fury gets a running start and somersaults into a senton, but Ri Eun-Ae moves and Mickie just lands on concrete!!
Fury cries out in pain. Ri Eun-Ae pulls her up by the hair and knees Fury hard in the gut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae gut wrenches her up into a running powerbomb over the railing into the front row of the audience!!
The fans shout “OH!” Mickie Fury lies across the lap of a teenage fan lying on the floor, with people trying to help him up, but he motions that he’s fine for right now
Phillip Blauer: (into his walkie talkie) Larry, be advised, I think we have a code 12.
Ri Eun-Ae slowly rolls back into the ring while Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. helps Mickie Fury to her feet. Eun-Ae slingshots herself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Springboard missile dropkick to Mickie Fury, pitching her into the aisleway!!
The audience has to give it up for that maneuver, along with Tuxedo Mask. Both women, and Larry, lie on the Viejas Arena floor in the audience, trying to recover
Bill Blauer: What a match!
Phillip Blauer: Larry’s dead! The valor of Larry Valentine Jr., taking a bullet for the fan standing behind him. They should have a statue of him in front of all our venues.
Dorothy Blauer: Now he can work for me in heaven.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m pretty sure Larry’s alive, but he might have taken a nasty spill there.
Bill Blauer: Meanwhile, Ri Eun-Ae tosses Mickie over the railing into the ringside area.
Ri Eun-Ae steps over the railing and grabs Mickie by the hair. She points to the ring post. And then points to Fury's head, and then point to the ring post again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae runs Mickie Fury’s head into the steel corner post!!
The audience reacts to the sound of Fury’s skull hitting the post. Eun-Ae rolls Mickie Fury back into the ring, and then climbs to the top turnbuckle, turning around to face the jeering San Diego crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Swan dive moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Ri Eun-Ae pulls Mickie Fury up into a crotch-tie position, and then pumphandles her up into a release fallaway slam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thundermuffin!!
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae irish whips Fury into the ropes and goes for a backdrop, but Fury catches her with a swinging neckbreaker!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie grabs Ri in a handstand headscissors.
Tuxedo Mask yells some encouragement from the cage swinging over them. Eun-Ae grimaces in pain and tries to pry her head out of Fury’s legs
.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury takes her over into a headscissors takedown. She irish whips Ri Eun-Ae into the ropes and catches her with a flapjack!
Bill Blauer: Fury sticks her knees into Eun-Ae’s back and rolls her up into a bow and arrow!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse, who we saw earlier this evening, taught Mickie this move, and it is applied expertly.
Ri Eun-Ae shakes her head, refusing to give up to Kelly O’Connell. Up in the cage, Tuxedo Mask has grown bored. He remembers something and then reaches into his coat pocket
Bill Blauer: I don’t believe this! Tux just pulled out a meatball sub!
Phillip Blauer: I can. Tonight’s food backstage was catered by the San Diego Correctional Facility. I took a picture with that guy that started all those wildfires.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury impaling Ri Eun-Ae across her knees, trying to break the champion’s back.
Mickie finally gives up and climbs to the top turnbuckle. She waits for Ri Eun-Ae to stand up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury comes off the top and catches Ri Eun-Ae with a huracanrana!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Ri Eun-Ae kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury irish whips Eun-Ae into the ropes and pops her with a swinging elbow!
Bill Blauer: You could hear her teeth rattle from here!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury climbs to the top turnbuckle, but Ri Eun-Ae climbs up behind her, and catches her in the face with an open palm strike.
The audience buzzes in anticipation. Ri Eun-Ae scoops her up, and back flips into a moonsault powerslam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Supreme Thunder Crash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Bill Blauer: What a back and forth battle!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae irish whips Mickie Fury into the ropes and then tiltawhirls her into a northern lights bomb!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri lifts Mickie Fury up in a textbook suplex, but just leaves her up there!
Phillip Blauer: That reminds me. Does anyone else want a hot dog with extra Look At Me sauce?
Dorothy Blauer: I would love a frankfurter.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Phillip Blauer: Great, now I got to get one. See what she did? Which Valentine do you go to around here to get a hot dog?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Louie.
Phil beckons over Hardkore Concession Louie Valentine Jr. Meanwhile, Ri Eun-Ae lets Mickie Fury fall forward out of the textbook suplex into a flatliner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Implant Thunder!! She lifts Mickie Fury up into a bridging head and arm suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury gets her shoulder up!
Phillip Blauer: Here you my love, an outrageously priced frankfurter sandwich that he forgot to give me change for.
Phil tries to feed Dorothy the hot dog, but he’s looking at the ring, so he just mashes it in her face. He doesn’t notice her struggling to breathe. Tuxedo Mask roots Ri Eun-Ae on from above, with his mouth filled with meatball sandwich
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae pulls Mickie up, but Fury was playing possum and sweeps Eun-Ae’s legs out from under her.
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury comes off the ropes with a spin kick that takes her out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury punches her in the stomach a few times, and then double underhooks her arms. She snap butterfly suplexes her over her shoulder!
Fury pulls her up and cracks her in the jaw with a couple of forearms. At the announce table, Phil is continuing to blindly cram the hot dog into her mouth. Inside the ring, Mickie hits the ropes, but before she can do anything she is hit in the face with something
Guillermo O’Bannon: What the hell was that?
Bill Blauer: I think that was a meatball that fell out of Tuxedo Mask’s sub.
Phillip Blauer: That’s a relief, I thought she had gotten color.
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts to a shot of Tux on his belly reaching out through the bottom bars for the lost meatball. Ri Eun-Ae butterflies Fury’s arms and double underhooks him up and then back on to his face with a dominator powerbomb
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thunderclap Zap!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"Adrenaline" by Rosetta Stone plays and the San Diego fans boo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae has successfully defended her Hardkore Women’s Champion from the woman she won the title from this last time!
Greg Jin: “At 24 minutes 48 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…RI EUN-AE!!!”
Phillip Blauer: Kelly didn’t see the meatball hit Mickie in the face? (does Italian gesture) What are his eyes covered in marinara?
Bill Blauer: I have to agree. The cage didn’t do much to eliminate Tuxedo Mask from interfering in this match.
They lower Tuxedo Mask to the ground and then Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. opens the cage door to let him out. Kelly O’Connell hands Ri Eun-Ae her Hardkore Women’s Championship while Eun-Ae checks her jaw for damage. Suddenly “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor plays
Phillip Blauer: What’s this? Are we about to be shown feats of strength from the power of believing from a church that’s also a gym but is also a cult?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m not sure…
A woman walks out wearing a full bodied black cat suit with dark tiger stripes, black wrestling boots with black tiger claws, black MMA fighting gloves w/black tiger claws and a black tiger's mask that covers her entire face and head except for her long dark hair that flows freely from the back of her mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Black Tiger!
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger motioning that she wants that Hardkore Women’s Championship!
The fans pop as Ri Eun-Ae slowly nods, with Tuxedo Mask standing behind her, accepting the challenge for her
Guillermo O’Bannon: That will be a great one, possibly in LA when we travel there next month!
Ri Eun slaps the championship belt over her shoulder, while motioning for Black Tiger to come to the ring now if she wants to, but Black Tiger just nods in return
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t go away fans, we still have the Hardkore West Coast Championship between Simon Cruise and The Sheik, coming up!
Coming In May, Hardkore World travels to the Southwest!
Join us in Albuquerque at the Rio Rancho Events Center where you will see stars like Kilroy Evans, Florida Man, Ri Eun-Ae, and Joey Little Horse!
Tickets on sale now!
Fade back up on the announce position where Dorothy is in the middle of a tawdry joke
Dorothy Blauer: …and then he says “Sorry lady, but I just need to check your tires”.
Everyone except Phil laughs at the joke
Phillip Blauer: Ok, ok…I think we’ve all had enough potty humor.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (wipes a tear) That was so good.
Bill Blauer: It really was.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure we’ve got another wrestling thing to do though. Tight schedule and all that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, I guess. Our next match features the returning five time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Syberus taking on former Hardkore California Champion “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse.
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the San Diego audience boos. “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse dances at the top of the ramp with Mary Yellowbird at his side.
Dorothy Blauer: Who is that sexy Native Ameri-YUM?
Phillip Blauer: My dear? I’ve never heard you speak in such a way!
Dorothy Blauer: Mmm, Momma want!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse respects Syberus as a competitor and has been watching his old matches like his 2006 Hardkore World Heavyweight title win over Robert Hunglestien III in Albuquerque, but also his 2008 loss to Kilroy Evans in Manchester, England to look for weaknesses.
“El Exotico” Joey Little Horse comes over to the announce position and starts dancing for Dorothy
Dorothy Blauer: Oh yeah! Come over here, Momma’s got something for you!
Dorothy slips some money into Joey Little Horse’s trunks
Phillip Blauer: Dorothy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: How much was that?
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know, she mostly carries confederate money.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse says he wants to see what Syberus has left, and that Mary Yellowbird wants to test him against the best.
Yolanda Ando: Joey Little Horse wears a small loin cloth with yellow trunks underneath.
Dorothy Blauer: If only it was a little smaller…
Phillip Blauer: What has gotten into you?
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mary Yellowbird; From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
The San Diego fans boo, taking Joey Little Horse back a little.
The Viejas Arena’s lights cut and the old Indian head "Please Stand By" TV signal fills the screens. "Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle starts up and the crowd reach their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage. Syb takes a brief look around at the crowd before heading down the ramp
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus made his grand return at Hardkore Helloween 2023, taking care of “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall. He had his doubts stepping back into the ring, about whether his neck would hold up. He was able to make quick work of Cornwall, but now takes on a more experienced wrestler, Joey Little Horse.
Once up the ring steps Syberus wipes his feet on the apron before stooping through the ropes.
Bill Blauer: Syberus is wisely taking the more deliberate route back to the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, but has to be careful not to look too far ahead, as Joey Little Horse has scored some big upsets in the past.
Dorothy Blauer: One has to be careful around the English, as they’re usually pickpockets. They bring it all back to the boarding house with the chimney sweeps and the ladies of the evening, so they can sing their nightly song.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is she talking about?
Phillip Blauer: Her learned experiences! .
Yolanda Ando: Syberus wears black trunks with gold laurel wreaths decorating the front and back. Five gold stars emblazon the rear also. He wears black knee pads and black boots, his boots depict Alexander and Darius respectively taken from the Alexander mosaic found in Pompeii. His wrists and palms are taped in white. To the ring he wears a traditional full length wrestling robe, red with gold roses throughout.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Manchester, England; He stands 6 feet tall; Weighing 220 pounds; The Five Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
The San Diego fans jeer the smirking Syberus
The Great Syberus vs. "El Exotico" Joey Little Horse
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. The Great Syberus seems amused as Joey Little Horse points at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse steps forward and jabs a finger into Syberus’ shoulder.
Bill Blauer: I’d be careful, Syberus has got an entire move list just for fingers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Exotico shoves Syberus!
Joey Little Horse points towards the back before he pushes Syberus once more.
Phillip Blauer: 15 year veteran Joey Little Horse feels that the last thing this crowd needs is more wrestling holds, but sexy, sexy dancing.
Dorothy Blauer: I hardly disagree.
Syberus looks down and then looks back up to make eye contact with Joey Little Horse while the audience buzzes in anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus slams a forearm into Little Horse’s face!
Little Horse stumbles back before Syberus starts firing off punches
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus snaps him into the ropes. He hits a hard clothesline on the rebound, and the bigger man topples!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus charged forward to kick him in the spine!
The crowd boos, and Little Horse grabs at his back before he starts to rise.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse fires back with some tomahawk chops!
Bill Blauer: Little Horse whacking him with those chops, and Syberus hits back with a kick to his shin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse cracks him with a right hook. Syberus grabs him by the hair and smashes his face into the turnbuckle.
Syberus rams Little Horse’s face into the turnbuckle again, but the third time, Joey blocks it with his boot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse bashes Syberus across the jaw with a forearm, and then lights him up with some rapid fire punches.
Bill Blauer: Syberus back pedaling as Joey Little Horse smacks him with some more tomahawk chops and an open palm strike.
Syberus seems to draw strength from some invisible source and then reaches out and rakes Little Horse’s eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Eye Rake From Hell!
Dorothy Blauer: He scratched that man’s eyes with the power of Hades!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs him in an inverted facelock and drops down into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…Joey Little Horse rolls his shoulder up!
The Viejas Arena boos. Syberus drags Little Horse to his feet, but the big man fires Syberus off at the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse hits a shoulder block, and Syberus is rocked backwards.
Little Horse pulls Syberus up by the hair and fires him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse charges in, hitting a splash!
The audience jeers as Joey Little Horse smacks him with some more tomahawk chops in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse grabs him with a front facelock and climbs up to the second turnbuckle.
Bill Blauer: He jumps off with a tornado DDT, but the five time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion pushes him off!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse gets to his feet, but Syberus kicks him in the kneecap amd then basement dropkicks him in the knee!
Bill Blauer: The Great Syberus ties up his legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf! He sits down low, pulling Little Horse’s legs towards his head, bending him in half!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Syberus was here in San Diego was June of 2022 when he defeated Tuxedo Mask in the semi-finals of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament. Before that, in January of 2008, he went to a time limit draw with Andrew Karnage for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
Bill Blauer: I think we all remember that nail biting classic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then back in July of 2006, he, along with Kilroy Evans and Marty Donovan as The Un-Stable, successfully defended their Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles against “Platinum” Pat Bozzini, Death Gojira, and Paul Soutter. He first debuted here in June of 2005, he lost to Cyrus “The F’n Vyrus” Williams in the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament.
Kelly O’Connell asks Joey Little Horse if he wants to tap out, but he shakes his head. Syberus continues to crane back on Little Horse’s legs
Bill Blauer: Joey Little Horse does a push up, and is able to power out of the texas cloverleaf!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse ducks under a forearm, and then drops Syberus on his head with a ¾ nelson suplex!
Bill Blauer: Joey Little Horse sticks his knees into Syberus’ back, and rolls him up into a bow and arrow!
The San Diego fans boo. Joey Little Horse tries to break Syberus’ spine across his knees
Dorothy Blauer: In my day, a bow and arrow wasn’t something you named a wrestling hold. It was how your grandpappy died bringing you across the Great Plains.
Syberus refuses to tap out to Kelly O’Connell so Joey Little Horse releases the bow and arrow and pulls him to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus ducks a tomahawk chop, and locks on a rear waistlock. He german suplexes Little Horse!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse rolls his shoulder up!
The Viejas Arena rocks with boos and Little Horse staggers to his feet. before Syberus shrugs!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Diamond cutter by Syberus!
Bill Blauer: Syberus pulls him up into a single underhook, and drills Joey Little Horse’s head into the canvas with that legendary DDT!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Pure Confidence!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell, and the audience boos. “Weak And Powerless” by Perfect Circle plays as Syberus raises one arm from a sitting position
Greg Jin: “At 10 minutes 8 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus collects another win on his way back to the top.
Dorothy Blauer: That poor Indian looks sad.
Phillip Blauer: Never mind him. I’m sure someone just littered or something.
Syberus walks to the back while the audience jeers and heckles him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is a match between “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall and whoever is wrestling under that mask calling himself Kalmin Watts.
Fade to Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. in a bathroom, undressing
Just draw a steaming hot bath for yourself, light some candles, and throw in one of my delicious bath bombs.
A now nude Larry (with pixelated genitalia) tosses the bath bomb in the tub, then gets in
Then soak for a few minutes in anticipation of the amazing meal you have waiting for you. Soon, the bath bomb disintegrates and noodles, broth, and chicken will fill your tub.
Larry Valentine’s eyes pop with delight as noodles, chicken and carrots float to the surface, as the water turns yellow, hopefully from broth. Larry takes the spoon he left on the side of the tub and starts digging in to the bath soup all around him
Blauer Bath Bombs now also come in Cream of Mushroom, Yankee Bean, and if you’d like a spicy little trip south of the border, Chicken Tortilla. Aye yi yi!
Close on a shot of Larry wringing out his sponge in his mouth
Fade back up on Phil, Guillermo, Bill, and Dorothy. Dorothy is in the middle of another joke
Dorothy Blauer: …and then the Latvian says, “This one says his name is Kevin.”
Everyone but Phil laughs hysterically. Phil folds his arms and pouts
Guillermo O’Bannon: (tries to regain his composure) I wasn’t sure where that one was headed, but man, that is funny.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think we should be telling those kinds of jokes anymore.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh relax.
Phillip Blauer: My apologies to any Latvians that might have heard that joke.
Dorothy Blauer: Oh, lighten up, Phil.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next is a match between the new “Kalmin Watts” and “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall.
Bill Blauer: This is an intriguing match up as we have no idea who is under that mask and neither does Cornwall.
“Don't Look Back In Anger" by Oasis plays and the San Diego fans jeer as Callum marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulders.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After recently dropping a decision to his hero Syberus, Callum Cornwall could sure use a victory here.
Bill Blauer: Well, this could be his best chance of getting it, as the confusion over who is under the mask, and whoever that is attempting to wrestle like Kalmin Watts has lead to some sloppy work.
Yolanda Ando: Callum Cornwall wears simple wrestling boots and black tights that have tentacles painted on them in gold.
Dorothy Blauer: Who is this sickly boy? Is he here to beg me for a shilling? Off with you! And don’t think those three ghosts that visit me every night are going to convince me otherwise!
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Salford in the United Kingdom; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
The San Diego fans boo. Callum Cornwall holds up the flag in the center of the ring and begins to stretch for his match.
“Boomer Sooner” by The University of Oklahoma Marching Band hits. A masked man walks out from behind the curtain, waving to the cheering fans. Anthony Jordan walks out
Dorothy Blauer: Oh no, is this a stick up? Phillip, hide my valuables!
Phil takes her jewels and rings, pocketing them.
Phillip Blauer: I’ll take those, my dear. (pats his pocket) But I wouldn’t worry. Why, look at that young masked man. Looks full of life and vigor, whoever he is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: There were those, including Kalmin Watts himself, who thought the man under the mask might just be Anthony Jordan, but at Hardkore Helloween 2023, but Jordan proved them wrong by appearing next to him.
Bill Blauer: Kalmin put his hands on his former manager, and the masked man made him pay the price.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It just begs the question. Why is Anthony Jordan doing this? Kalmin Watts is clearly healthy enough to compete again, however, ever since Watts lost the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship back to Cross Recoba, there seems to have been a split.
Bill Blauer: Potentially whoever is under that mask is easier to control than Kalmin was.
Yolanda Ando: Kalmin Watts, or whoever that is, is wearing a crimson mask with an Oklahoma crimson and cream singlet.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Anthony Jordan; Hailing from Tulsa, Oklahoma; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds…KALMIN WATTS!!!”
The crowd cheers wildly as the masked man waves back at them
"Kalmin Watts" vs. "The Salford Squid" Callum Cornwall
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, definitely not. The Salford Squid goes in for a lock up, but “Kalmin” arm drags him.
Bill Blauer: Another lightning fast arm drag from this masked man. He whacks Callum Cornwall with some hard chops.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You can hear those stiff chops throughout The Viejas Arena.
Callum Cornwall backs into the ropes from the chops to his chest. The masked man irish whips Squid into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Kalmin Watts” back drops Cornwall high over his back!
The crowd pops as Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside. The masked man applies an armbar on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: The man calling himself Watts clamps down on that arm, sticking his knee in the ball of Cornwall’s shoulder.
Bill Blauer: He’s trying to rip Squid’s arm out of its socket.
Phillip Blauer: That’s tentacle, little brother.
Bill Blauer: We’re twins, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: Yes, but I was first.
Callum Cornwall works his way back to his feet with the masked man holding on to the armbar
Bill Blauer: Both men back up to a vertical base, but this guy with the mask is really torquing that arm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall uses his free arm to crack “Watts” with an elbow. Another one frees him!
Bill Blauer: Callum Cornwall twirls around into a discus elbow smash!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall irish whips him into the ropes and takes him out with a leg lariat!
The San Diego fans boo and Anthony Jordan yells instructions to his client from the outside. The Squid climbs to the outside apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Salford Squid springboards off the middle of the top, but the mystery man clotheslines him out of his boots!
Bill Blauer: Wow, he nearly took his head off with that one.
Phillip Blauer: He probably inked.
Dorothy Blauer: I know I did.
Phillip Blauer: (disingenuously) And she’s all mine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Kalmin Watts” applies an abdominal stretch. He tries to use that…6 foot 6…?
Bill Blauer: He looks closer to 6’2, I’d say?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He uses that taller frame, let’s go with, to really put Cornwall on the rack.
Callum Cornwall grimaces in pain. The masked man reaches his hand out, and Anthony Jordan holds onto it, to give him added leverage. The San Diego fans woop and holler
Phillip Blauer: Finally! Tony Baloney is doing something to really help one of his guys. Manager of the Year, I would say.
Bill Blauer: This new “Watts” looks like he’ll do anything for a win.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan out of position and is not seeing Anthony Jordan giving his client some help with added balance.
The Salford Squid shakes his head, refusing to give up to Tommy Milligan. Finally, Milligan comes around and sees Jordan holding the masked man’s hand
Bill Blauer: Thank goodness, Tommy finally saw Anthony Jordan interfering.
Phillip Blauer: He picks now to grow some eyes?
Dorothy Blauer: I would love to grow some new eyes. The child from Guatemala’s eyes I bought didn’t make it through customs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan trying to force this mystery man to break the abdominal stretch, but he’s hanging onto it.
Bill Blauer: Milligan issuing the five count, but The Salford Squid takes advantage of the distraction and hip tosses the masked man over!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Watts” cuts him off when he gets up, and goes for a suplex, but Cornwall inside cradles him!
…ONE!
…”Kalmin Watts” kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall half nelson hammerlocks him for a tiger suplex, but the masked man blocks it.
Bill Blauer: This guy in the mask does a go behind and reverses it into a chicken wing crossface!
The fans cheer. The masked man chokes up on Cornwall’s adam’s apple, while hammerlocking his arm behind him
Bill Blauer: Cornwall tries to fight going down, but the masked man pulls him down in the chicken wing crossface.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall reaching out for the ropes before the lights go out. Tommy Milligan in perfect position to see the tap out if it happens.
Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside. He yells some instructions, and his client breaks the crossface and pulls Cornwall up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The masked man irish whips Cornwall into the ropes and catches him with a belly to belly suplex where he lands on top of him for the pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The audience pops as “Boomer Sooner” by the Oklahoma University Marching band plays. Anthony Jordan quickly gets in to the ring to raise the masked man’s hand in victory
Greg Jin: “At 8 minutes 32 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’KALMIN WATTS’!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is just getting weirder and weirder.
Bill Blauer: How long is Anthony Jordan going to pretend this guy is Kalmin Watts when we have seen the real one come out and confront them?
Phillip Blauer: As long as they got to pretend Aunt Viv was the same lady that got lippy with the Fresh Prince.
Kalmin Watts starts walking down to the ring to boos from the Viejas Arena. Both the masked man and Anthony Jordan seem to gulp at the prospect of being in the ring with the big man
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, here is the real Kalmin Watts! Maybe we can just ask him.
Phillip Blauer: This guy. Take the hint. The new Watts is much better.
Kalmin Watts steps through the ropes and asks for the house mic from Greg Jin. He taps it to make sure it’s working
Kalmin Watts: “You know, I am done watching you pretend this sawed off pretender is me! You want to say you’re Kalmin Watts?”
The masked man and Anthony Jordan signal for Kalmin Watts to slow down
Kalmin Watts: “Well, why don’t you try and beat the real Kalmin Watts!”
Anthony Jordan: “Kalmin, buddy. Come on, I keep telling you, you’ve got this all wrong…
Kalmin Watts: “How could I have this wrong, Anthony?? You’ve had someone else, PRETEND to be me…”
While Kalmin Watts has his back turned, the masked man runs the ropes and hits Watts from behind with a double ax handle
Guillermo O’Bannon: This masked guy just hit Kalmin Watts with his own Oklahoma Hammer from behind!!
Phillip Blauer: The irony!
Bill Blauer: He full nelsons Watts’ arms and pitched him forward into a reverse russian legsweep!
Phillip Blauer: He’s taking off the mask!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s...it’s...Bobby Nowa??
Phillip Blauer: Bobby Nowa has been Kalmin Watts this entire time?
Bill Blauer: No, Phil. Bobby Nowa has been Kalmin Watts while he was under the mask.
The San Diego fans are cheering, chanting “NOWA! NOWA! NOWA!” as Bobby Nowa slides out of the ring and grabs a chair. He slides it under the ropes and climbs back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa single underhook Kalmin’s arm, and drives his head into the mat with the Nowa Daze DDT on the chair!!
Bill Blauer: That move that he stole from Syberus!
Kalmin Watts is motionless, lying facedown on a chair. The rogue fans roar as Bobby Nowa raises his arms again, with Anthony Jordan joining in, raising his arms, standing next to Nowa
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan has deceived and betrayed his client so that he could join up with the former Hardkore America Champion Bobby Nowa!
Bill Blauer: Who still has a Hardkore California title match with Joe Nobody later on tonight.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stay tuned fans, we still have Florida Man vs. El Rey, coming up!
Fade up to the covered bridge in Tarry Town, NY, aka Sleepy Hollow. Soon, a horse rides up to the camera with a man with a pumpkin mask
The Headless Horseman: Lemme tell you a lil somethin bout da Headleth Hortheman, daddy. Ya see, he represent everybody who ever been run off a dey land, and forced to put on a lil pumpkin head. A lil pumpkin head to hide dey shame, to hide dey anger, to hide all da tings wrong wit em!
Dis my horse. She named Bessie, unnerstand? Bessie here like carrots, she like apples, but da ting she like da mose is Rice Krispie Treats! Dey make her a lil round in da middle, juss like me. She see dem Rice Krispie Treats and she go Snap, Crackle, Pop! And dats what yer body gonna do Stevie Awesome! Cause see dis?
Lifts up the bullrope for the camera
The Headless Horseman: Dis ain’t no cow string. It’s a bull rope, jack! An it’s gotta a big ole bell right here at da top! An I’m gunna hit you wit dis bell, and den I’mma be like Chris Walken, who happened to have offered me a part in da Deer Hunter, but da Headleth Hortheman was working Florida, and da territory was hot! Couldn’t miss no dates, so dey gave it to Bobby Deniro, who did an admirable job, daddy. But anyway, I’m gonna be sayin “I’m gonna need more cowbell!” An we gunna get funky like a monkey upside your big ole hairy head, for da tings you been doin roun here! Cause at da end a da match, dey gonna be two people missin dey heads, hunny child! Woo, lawd!
Dorothy is telling another joke
Dorothy Blauer: So then the third nun says, “Well, looks like I didn’t need the turkey baster after all!”
Everyone but Phil falls out of their chair laughing
Phillip Blauer: That is repugnant. These are ladies of God!
Yolanda Ando: (laughing) I’m gonna pee my pants…I’m gonna pee my pants…
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was the best one.
Bill Blauer: Classic.
Phillip Blauer: I guess I don’t see what’s so funny about three nuns going to a Chippendale’s. Those are our tax exempt dollars!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh jeez, Phil. Anyway, coming up is our match between El Rey and Florida Man.
“Gimme Some Lovin'” by The Spencer Davis Group plays and the San Diego fans cheer. Florida Man walks out with the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship strapped around his waist. He stops and signs a couple masks that some kids in the front row were wearing and he waves into the camera. The kids were extremely happy until they realized the signatures were illegible gibberish because Flo wasn’t paying attention to what he was doing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man is on the prowl, and surprisingly popular here in San Diego.
Bill Blauer: Well, the leathery skin, the pea sized brain. It makes sense.
Dorothy Blauer: Phillip, the dinosaurs are back! They’ve come to take me back with them.
Phillip Blauer: Let me go! I’m sure they just want to talk.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I really think the new year will be the year Florida Man finally breaks out!
Phillip Blauer: Break out of what? Prison?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Despite winning his YTA Championship back from him in Japan, Florida Man still has a grudge to settle with Kilroy Evans, but tonight he has his blurry sights on El Rey. A win over the third generation superstar would be big right now.
Bill Blauer: Florida Man thinks that Jonnie is booking him in bad spots recently, pointing to his success is England and Japan, but now is his chance to prove he deserves to be in the top spot over here on the West Coast.
Yolanda Ando: Florida wears a mask resembling an old Halloween gorn mask, only the snout has been elongated to look more like a gator. A wide brim straw hat appears to have been stitched into the mask. The brim is angled to look like a halo. A small hole in the corner of his plastic toothy smile is so he can easily access his cigarettes, but at the moment it holds a piece of straw to complete his lackadaisical country swagger. Instead of traditional tights, he wears overalls and vintage Publix tee.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from America’s Wang, God’s Waiting Room, The Gunshine State of Florida; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 198 pounds; He is One Half of the Wrestle:UK Tag Team Champions…FLORIDA MAN!!!”
The San Diego fans cheer wildly for Florida Man
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that, and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente, with the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist
Guillermo O’Banon: Here comes El Rey. Decorated champion and proud member of The Anointed. Though with AVB and Wesley Crane awol you gotta wonder what’s left of the Anointed?
Phillip Blauer: What do you mean “what’s left of the Anointed?” Did you see on the last show that Steve shot Marty with a fireball? The Anointed achieved their goals! We don’t even need to exist anymore. But we will for the merchandise sales.
Guillermo O’Banon: Oh really? And exactly how much of a cut do you actually get?
Phillip Blauer: Enough to care, Gilgamesh. Enough to care.
Dorothy Blauer: Well this one is pretty easy on the eyes too. Why didn’t you tell me you work with such handsome men, Phillip?
Phillip Blauer: I thought I was handsome enough for you?
Dorothy Blauer: (pats his hand) That’s alright, sometimes I get confused too.
El Rey looks around soaking up the surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey believes this match will prove the superiority of Georgia to Florida.
Phillip Blauer: I’m not really sure why you want to debate the best part of the Deep South? Feels like trying to win World’s Tallest Midget.
Bill Blauer: They’re little people now, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: They sure are.
El Rey strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the San Diego fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey did not love the comments Florida Man made about his mother last month at Hardkore Helloween 2023…
Dorothy Blauer: Last month? But it’s December…oh, Phillip. I don’t feel so well.
Phillip Blauer: I’ll get your pills, dear.
At ringside, El Rey leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey has anxiously anticipated this match, not only to prove Georgia is better than Florida, but to shut the mouth of Florida Man.
Phillip Blauer: It’s more of an elongated snout.
Greg Jin: “And from Atlanta, Georgia; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 203 pounds; He is The Current GUNS JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…Atlanta’s Favorite Son…EL REY!!!”
The audience cheers and El Rey poses for the fans
El Rey vs. Florida Man
The bell rings and the match begins. El Rey comes in ready to strike but Florida Man tells Rey to wait a second. Atlanta's favorite son obliges the gator and does.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well we’re seconds into this match and Florida Man stops the match to a halt. Wait what’s he digging in his pocket for? Are those….food stamps?
Flo tries to offer them to El Rey if he lays down for him.
Bill Blauer: El Rey isn’t having it and he argues.
Flo just throws them into El Rey’s face and they scatter around the air like confetti confusing El Rey just long enough to blast Rey with a huge forearm smash to the face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The former XCrown champion staggers back and slips out of the ring through the middle and top rope!
Phillip Blauer: Hey that’s not fair! El Rey has never been poor in his life! Of course he got confused, he’s never even seen a food stamp before!
El Rey glares into the ring with as Flo motions for him to bring it on. El Rey climbs back into the ring
Bill Blauer: El Rey nails Flo with a knee strike and then a combo of strikes that leaves Florida Man dazed!
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey loads Flo onto his shoulders looking for El-Reytio Variation Three, but Flo elbows out and slips down behind Rey. Flo nails a few clubbing strikes to the back of Rey’s head and neck and then Flo loads Rey onto his shoulders and starts an airplane spin.
Bill Blauer: Round and round he goes. When he’ll stop? No one knows.
Time passes as Flo continues to spin.
Phillip Blauer: I do, but I’m sworn to secrecy.
Florida Man continues his Never Stop Spinning airplane spin. Apparently Florida Man is the FLORIDA State spinning champion. Apparently they have a spinning championship in FLORIDA. Finally Flo stops spinning and lets Rey off his shoulders.
Phillip Blauer: Ok, it’s now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey tries to throw a couple strikes but he can’t even stand still he’s so dizzy.
El Rey falls a couple times as the crowd laughs and cheers on Flo.
Bill Blauer: Florida Man’s antics have this whole place laughing and…
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey climbs back to his feet, stumbles back, hits the ropes and still manages to absolutely drill Florida Man with a big claymore style flying kick!
Florida Man does a whole spin in the air before he hits the ground. Rey sits in the corner liking what he did and attempting to get his head straight.
Phillip Blauer: And just like a Dane Cook comedy show, nobody is laughing anymore, Gorgonzola.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Credit where it’s due, even while dizzy El Rey still landed that kick with precision. And quite possibly turned this match around. That says a lot about his ability.
El Rey finally shakes off the spinning in his head and notices Florida Man starting to stir.
Guillermo O’Bannon: El Rey measures up and he nails the gator with a rocker dropper! Flo goes face first and Rey hooks the leg for the first pinfall of the match.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Guillermo O’Banon: And El Rey stays on Flo with strikes and kicks.
Bill Blauer: Not giving Florida Man any room to breathe.
Phillip Blauer: Just like my marriage.
Dorothy Blauer: Hmm?
Phillip Blauer: I said I wish we could get in a horse drawn carriage.
Dorothy Blauer: That’s sweet.
Guillermo O’Banon: El Rey now, ducks a swing from the opponent and goes behind for a release dragon suplex!
Bill Blauer: Florida Man rolls onto his back and Rey does a standing shooting star and goes for the cover!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Phillip Blauer: Florida Man is just putting off the inevitable here. Just like the old people who flock to his home state.
Bill Blauer: Before Florida Man is all the way up to his feet, El Rey hits a rana that gets Flo caught up in the ropes!
Guillermo O’Banon: El Rey runs in with a 619 that sends Flo back into the ring!
Phillip Blauer: Why, that’s our area code here in San Diego!
The Gator gets up on spaghetti legs and El Rey leaps up for a springboard, but El Rey then does a jump upward to spin in midair so that he was now facing the entrance ramp.
Bill Blauer: On the second springboard, El Rey flips back and lands behind Florida Man while grabbing his head for a reverse DDT!
Guillermo O’Banon: El-Reytio Variation Number Two!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man gets his shoulder up!
El Rey argues with Richie Richardson a bit and then turns to face Florida Man
Guillermo O’Banon: Florida Man pops up out of nowhere with a stone cold stunner!
El Rey flips backward, his legs hit the ropes and he bounces back and flops onto his stomach. Florida Man is trying to turn El Rey over.
Phillip Blauer: Wait! Rey wake up!
Bill Blauer: Florida Man finally rolls EL Rey over and drapes his arms over Rey for the pin.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…El Rey kicks out
El Rey has a look of shock on his face. FLORIDA tries to decide what to do next and suddenly the top rope catches his rubber eyed gaze. Flo gets up and starts to climb up to the turnbuckle from inside the ring.
Bill Blauer: Florida Man going for the top rope now. He’s thinking of taking a high risk to try and end this thing.
Guillermo O’Banon: Suddenly El Rey pops up to his feet, runs up the ropes behind Florida Man and hits a crossed arm German suplex from the top rope!! X’d Out!!
Phillip Blauer: All Rey has to do is cover him and it’s over. Another Anointed victory party that you can’t come too, Gonzaga.
Guillermo O’Banon: I wouldn’t want to come even if I were invited. Rey goes to cover, but hey look at this….
Phillip Blauer: What is that idiot doing now?
Just as El Rey drops to his knees to make the pin, Florida Man starts to roll himself away from being pinned. Rey, still on his knees, chases Flo, but Rey is just one step behind until Flo rolls himself out of the ring.
Guillermo O’Banon: Florida Man instinctively rolls himself out of the ring to escape the pin.
Phillip Blauer: I wouldn’t call it instinctual. That was probably just a drug related spasm.
Bill Blauer: El Rey climbs out of the ring and grabs Flo. He bashed his head off the ring steps!!
The sound of Florida Man’s head hitting the steel ring steps rings through the VIejas Arena
Guillermo O’Banon: El Rey smashes Florida Man’s face into the apron now!
El Rey rolls Florida Man back iinto the ring. El Rey calls for the end and then climbs the top rope
Phillip Blauer: This is where El Rey really shines. With his ability in the air. And Risk.
Bill Blauer: This is a high risk maneuver…
Phillip Blauer: (squeezing the bridge of his nose) I’m talking about the board game, Bill.
Guillermo O’Banon: El Rey leaps off the top rope with the 630 senton, but Florida Man rolls out of the way at the last second!!
The audience groans and Rey bounces off the ring, clutching his back in pain. Florida Man climbs back to his feet and measures El Rey up
Guillermo O’Banon: Florida Man lifts him up into a suplex and then drops him with a MindBlower brainbuster!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The fans cheer as Florida Man raises both arms excitedly. “Gimme Some Lovin'” by The Spencer Davis Group plays
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 19 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…FLORIDA MAN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man said he wanted to be considered for a shot at Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, and this win here tonight over the former X Crown Champion El Rey definitely puts him in line for that!
Florida Man goes to the outside and celebrates with the jubilant fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man with a huge victory here in San Diego, and he is whooping it up with the fans here.
Dorothy Blauer: I’m just happy that the dinosaur seems to have done something for itself. They’ve had such a time lately.
Bill Blauer: Lately?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t go away fans, we have the big cage match between Alexander Von Blankenship and “The Punisher” Dan Stein coming up!
Coming In February, Hardkore World Goes Hollywood!
Join us in Los Angeles at the Toyota Center where you will see stars like Cross Recoba, Simon Cruise, The End, and The Great Syberus!
Tickets on sale now!
Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. put the finishing touches on the steel cage with Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr.
Dorothy Blauer: In my day, we used to keep the Irish and other criminally insane types in that kind of contraption. You’d pass by them as a schoolgirl and they would stick their hands out, begging for sweets or water. It was hard to tell with that accent.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes, my grandfather told me about them.
Dorothy Blauer: I thought you looked familiar.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the big cage match that has been a long time coming. Dan Stein and Alexander Von Blankenship have been at each other’s throats since October in Coachella when AVB came down and attacked Dan Stein and Domino, attempting to shave off Stein’s mustache before Stein overpowered him and chased him off.
Bill Blauer: That’s right, Guillermo…
Phillip Blauer: Who?
Bill Blauer: Then at Hardkore Helloween 2023, Dan Stein brutalized him in that barbed wire and eliminated him from the Helloween qualifier.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now these two will be locked in a cage to see if they can settle their differences for good.
A thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere.
Dorothy Blauer: Phillip?? There’s a fire! Where are the exits?? I don’t want to die like all the children in my textile mill!
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
Hasbulla steps out through the curtain, blowing his whistle. Alexander Von Blankenship steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. The San Diego fans pop huge for them, especially Hasbulla. AVB holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face.
Phillip Blauer: Such a pious young lad.
Dorothy Blauer: They don’t make them like that anymore.
Bill Blauer: Good.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now
I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring he points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better than you" as he goes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship is that rare type where it seems he gets stronger the more the match goes on. He can take an enormous amount of punishment, making him lethal towards the red zone of the match as it were.
Yolanda Ando: Alexander Von Blankenship wears white satin boxing trunks with dark blue trim. He has “Blessed” written across the waist band.
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave
'Cause I'm peeping the visuals,
I bring the visuals
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, he gives the cage the sign of the cross. He steps into the cage and climbs the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd he yells out "Always Very Blessed" before jumping down into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Alexander Von Blankenship was here in San Diego was June 2022 when he defeated Kilroy Evans in the semi-finals of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title tournament. He’s hoping he can knock off another big Hardkore World legend here tonight!
Greg Jin: “The following Steel Cage Match is scheduled for one fall. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, From Amsterdam in The Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 Pounds…The Son of a Bastard…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP, AVB!!!”
The Viejas Arena darkens, and three heartbeats are heard.
Three symbols flash, synchronized with the beats:
<ALPHA>
<OMEGA>
<a stylized DS logo>
The lights abruptly come on again as “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays over the PA. “The Punisher” Dan Stein makes his way to the ring area with his sunglasses on and scowl on his face with Domino following behind as the San Diego fans boo them
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wants to tear AVB apart for trying to shave his mustache, and with that cage, Von Blankenship has nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide.
Phillip Blauer: But is AVB locked in there with Stein? Or is Stein locked in there with AVB?
Bill Blauer: No, AVB is locked in with Stein.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Totally.
Phillip Blauer: Ok, I was just asking. Jeez.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein got all the way to the Helloween finals, but lost to Kilroy Evans after a hellacious night of barbed wire. Domino has attempted to light a fire under him, reminding him of what he lost, hoping it will propel him to brutalize Alexander Von Blankenship for trying to shave his mustache.
Upon entering the cage, Stein thrusts up his trusty club, the Peacemaker, to the jeers of the crowd.
Phillip Blauer: Honestly, Dan has to check his chick. I wouldn’t let Dorothy tell me what to do like that, right babe?
Bill Blauer: She’s asleep, Phil.
Dorothy is napping
Yolanda Ando: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. His elbow is wrapped. Stein brings a worn, taped up black club called the Peacemaker with him as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein is tired of his former stable The Anointed attacking him and his friends, and wants to put an end to Alexander Von Blankenship’s obsession with shaving his mustache tonight.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is accompanied to the ring by Domino! From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds…He is ’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
The Viejas Arena boos as Dan Stein stares at Alexander Von Blankenship, who smirks back at him. Hasbulla blows his whistle on the outside
Steel Cage Match
Alexander Von Blankenship vs. "The Punisher" Dan Stein
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell as Tommy Milligan locks the cage door
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship walks right up to Dan Stein!
Phillip Blauer: You see? He’s not scared to go face to uh, chest, with Dan!
They both nod at one another, but as Von Blankenship turns to walk away, he kicks Stein in the balls! The San Diego fans roar their approval
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on!
Phillip Blauer: Listen to this ovation! It’s pandemonium! You can’t argue with the people, Gipetto!
Dan Stein goes down, clutching his nether regions. Hasbulla whistles on the outside while Domino complains to Kelly O’Connell. AVB stomps Dan Stein’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship repeatedly stomping the head and chest of Dan Stein. He pulls him up in a front facelock, and then twists him around into a swinging neckbreaker.
The crowd cheers. AVB starts stomping and kicking Dan’s knees
Bill Blauer: The son of the legend trying to take out the big man’s knees early.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He pulls Dan Stein up, and whacks him in the chest with a stiff chop. Another hard chop to the chest of The Punisher!
Dan Stein just glares at him! The Vieja Arena jeers and AVB looks at his hand to see if it’s working
Bill Blauer: Uh oh, looks like Dan Stein doesn’t mind those chops so much.
Phillip Blauer: He just needs to do it again. Probably a dud.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship chops him again but he just made Stein madder!
Hasbulla blows on his whistle in panic as Alexander Von Blankenship starts back pedaling, asking Dan to think of his poor father, Rat Bastard
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan grabs AVB and tosses him headfirst into the cage!!
The crowd boos as Alexander Von Blankenship flops to the mat. Stein pulls him up and irish whips him hard into the turnbuckles. A slight trickle of blood is running down AVB’s face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein grabs the ropes and rams his shoulderblade into Von Blankenship’s stomach, again and again.
Bill Blauer: The Punisher now placing his boot on Von Blankenship’s throat, choking him with his foot with those long legs of his.
Guillermo O’Bannon: For what it’s worth, Dan is undefeated here in San Diego. The last time he was here was in July of 2006, when he defeated The Shootfighter. The previous time, in June of 2005, he defeated Devon Stevens.
Phillip Blauer: That’s what it is. These people are still mad about him beating Devon Stevens.
Von Blankenship slides down in the corner, but Dan Stein keeps on top of him with stomp after stomp as the boos rain down on him. He turns around and screams at the braying San Diegans
Phillip Blauer: That’s it, my minions, boo this man!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein scoops him up on his shoulder and runs out of the corner with a powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein pulls AVB up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes. He goes for a big boot, but Von Blankenship grabs his boot, and takes him down with a dragon screw legwhip.
The crowd comes to life! AVB checks his forehead and his hand comes back bloody. His face twists into an angry snarl. Hasbulla triumphantly blows his whistle outside the cage, while Domino pounds on the cage for Stein to get up
Dorothy Blauer: Phillip? Phillip? I believe I’m back in Munchkin Land, and the traffic cop is quite cross with me.
Phillip Blauer: No dear, that’s an itty bitty person…
Bill Blauer: Little person.
Phillip Blauer: …and that’s just the way he talks. He’s like our little R2D2.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship with a few more stomps to Stein’s knee.
Bill Blauer: He pulls Dan Stein up by the hair and pulls him over to the cage. AVB now raking Dan’s face back and forth across the cage!
Alexander Von Blankenship lets him go, and waits for Stein to turn around. When he does, he superkicks him under the jaw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: A bleeding Alexander Von Blankenship gets on top of Dan Stein, hammering him with punches, trying to open him up as well!
The San Diego crowd gets loud as AVB pummels Stein with his fists. The fans chant “AVB! AVB! AVB!” Hasbulla dances around ringside, whistling with each punch. Von Blankenship gets up and points to his bloody hand, and then spits on Dan
Bill Blauer: That is disgusting.
Phillip Blauer: I have to agree with you there, brother. Alex needs to wash his hands before supper.
Alexander Von Blankenship signals to Hasbulla that he wants something, and the fans roar in anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hasbulla now handing Dan Stein the hair clippers through the cage!
Bill Blauer: He’s going to shave Dan Stein’s mustache!
Phillip Blauer: I, for one, am all for this! Time to update the look a bit.
Domino slaps the cage over and over, trying to alert Stein to the clippers. A busted open AVB smirks and starts pantomiming shaving Dan’s mustache
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship holds Dan by the hair and puts the clippers to Stein’s lip…but Stein catches his wrist!
The Viejas Arena rocks with boos and AVB’s eyes bug out of his head. He tries to force the clippers over to Dan’s mustache, but Stein holds Von Blankenship’s wrist with a death grip
Phillip Blauer: AVB can’t let Stein have those clippers! He moves a lot of roast beef with those lovely locks!
Dorothy Blauer: Makes me want The Meats.
Phillip Blauer: Dorothy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein now pushing the hair clippers towards AVB’s face!
The jeers get deafening as Alexander Von Blankenship shakes his head, trying to move his hair away. Hasbulla blows his whistle, urging AVB to resist
Bill Blauer: He’s shaving Alexander’s eyebrow!
Phillip Blauer: No!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein shaves off AVB’s right eyebrow!
Hasbulla whistles in protest while Alexander Von Blankenship covers his eyebrow, trying to keep Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. from getting a close up of it
Phillip Blauer: Where is Kelly O’Connell?? Get in there, hair clippers aren’t legal!
Bill Blauer: You were fine with him shaving Dan’s mustache…
Phillip Blauer: You can live without a mustache, Bill!
Dorothy Blauer: I haven’t had most of my spleen since 1988.
Phillip Blauer: See? Spleens, mustaches, you don’t need them. But an eyebrow??
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein rolls AVB around and drops down into a rude awakening!
A bloody Von Blankenship sits up, clutching the back of his neck. Dan Stein pulls him up and irish whips him into the ropes, flipping him head over heels with a lariat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein Line!!
The San Diego fans jeer loudly as a bleeding Dan screams with his arms outstretched
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein gorilla presses Alexander Von Blankenship over his head!
The audience doesn’t appreciate the spectacle of Stein walking AVB around the ring. Hasbulla blows on his whistle outside the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein lawn darts AVB’s head into the cage wall!!
Alexander Von Blankenship bounces off the cage and the momentum makes him roll a few times. Domino turns around and addresses several rude fans in the front row. Stein pulls AVB up into a suplex, and then drops him into a sitout owendriver ‘97
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein Screw Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The audience boos as “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie plays. Dan Stein shoves AVB’s legs away from him and raises his arm
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes, 51 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
Domino steps through the door of the cage and raises a crimson masked Dan Stein’s hands in victory as the audience yells their disapproval
Bill Blauer: Maybe it was the fire Domino lit underneath him, but Dan Stein definitely seemed more aggressive than we’ve seen him since his return from back surgery.
Phillip Blauer: He took another man’s eyebrow for Pete’s sake! That’s gotta be a fine, a demerit, something!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship was the one who introduced the clippers into the match, and he paid dearly for it.
Bill Blauer: Stein also debuted his new finisher, The Stein Screw Driver, and AVB hasn’t moved yet!
Hasbulla is in the cage now, and gently shakes AVB. Dan Stein walks to the back, threatening anyone who says anything to Domino. Von Blankenship slowly begins to stir and rolls on his side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t go away fans, the bullrope match his coming up next!
Voiceover saxophone music and B roll of male strippers
“Hey ladies, got a bachelorette party or birthday coming up? Wanna a way to spice it up? How about Discreet Encounters?”
Woman’s Whisper: Discrete Encounters…
“What’s sexier than seeing your future mother-in-law motorboat the butt of a 20 year old guy you think you recognize from the deli at the grocery store?”
Woman’s Whisper: She’s going to ask you to Venmo him for extras, because she can’t figure out how Venmo works…
“Look, but don’t talk to them ladies, or else you’ll find out he has a daughter he hasn’t spoken to in years!”
Woman’s Whisper: He lives in his old football coach’s apartment over his garage…
“Our dancers are exotic and mysterious, like our pricing plan!”
Woman’s Whisper: Three guys will tell you the price you agreed on is “...a piece,” when they get there…
“That’s Discrete Encounters, proudly helping ex-convicts get back into society for 12 years!”
Woman’s Whisper: “Hiring The Bachelorette Killer was a mistake…”
Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr., Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. are finally done taking down the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is a match between Steve Awesome and this mysterious Headless Horseman who showed up in Hartford to taunt Steve Awesome during his match with Pork Dirkmeyer in a bullrope match.
All the lights in The Viejas Arena die out as the crowd cheers
Some of the crowd start chanting
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
Half The Crowd: AWE-SOME
Other Half: SUCKS!
{Dramatic Pause.}
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in the Viejas Arena explode to life! The audience cheers as the lights flash green and black to the beat. Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her won't you tell her for me/
It's better this way to avoid all the misery
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring
Phillip Blauer: There he is, fresh as a daisy, after melting Marty Donovan’s face so that he’s so hideous that he has to wear a pumpkin for a head.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We don’t know that at all. Especially Steve Awesome who says he is looking at this as a chance to end this newcomer’s career before it gets started so that he can vault up the ratings and get a shot at Cross Recoba’s Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
Steve Awesome walks down the aisle with the XHF Hardcore Championship strapped around his waist, striding past the cheering San Diego fans, patting him on the back and shoulders
Phillip Blauer: He really gave ol’ Tuna Meltzer the what for in preparation for this match didn’t he?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He really did. All in the name of sending a message to this mystery man that he doesn’t see him as any kind of threat.
Dorothy Blauer: That’s the man from the Poop Blizzard pictures. Oh, I do enjoy those so. I love the one where Barry Wimbledon is tussling with the Australian fellow, and when all looks lost, Barry shows him the pin of the grenade that he stuffed in his pants. Then his genitals explode in the most fantastic way. Barry’s lady friend asks what happens, and Barry says “Let’s just say he’s singing a different tune now.”
Phillip Blauer: Mmm, because his testicals were gone. Sometimes you have to watch them a few times to get all the easter eggs.
Dorothy Blauer: No, that was the Easter Special where he rescued the Easter Bunny from ISIS.
Bill Blauer: That video where the Easter Bunny is kneeling in front of his captors still haunts my dreams.
The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him
Yolanda Ando: Steve Awesome wears neon green tights with a bunch of black sparkly "SA"'s patterned on his tights similar to HBK. On the butt, it says "Awesome" inside a heart. He has black kneepads with the logo on each knee. black and green boots. He also wears black with green trim wristbands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Awesome trying to portray himself as unbothered by this Headless Horseman, but I have my doubts.
Greg Jin: “The following is a Bullrope Match, the match cannot end until one man tags all four turnbuckles. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 238 pounds; He is the Prettiest Player in the Game, He is The Current XHF HARDCORE CHAMPION…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
The San Diego fans cheer loudly
The lights go out and a spotlight hits the curtain.
“Midnight Rider” by Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings plays. The audience boos as an unsteady Headless Horseman comes out on a horse being lead by its trainer. The Headless Horseman is carrying the bull rope with the metal bell attached. The jeers scare the horse and it goes up on it’s hind legs a little
Phillip Blauer: Woah, Nelly!
Dorothy Blauer: That’s why we replaced them with motor carriages. Sure you have to remember your scarf and bug goggles, but at least they aren’t bucking our Presidents to the ground anymore.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Great point, Dorothy. We don’t know much about this mysterious Headless Horseman, other than he has an bone to pick with Steve Awesome.
Phillip Blauer: I hardly see why. The guy is a locker room leader. He always thanks Scorpion and Sweet Bone Daddy when they carry his bags. I tell him not to, but he’s that kind of guy.
The trainer continues to lead the scared horse, who is whinnying and snorting at the booing audience
Phillip Blauer: Dorothy, if that thing goes mad, I may need to use your wheelchair, and by default, you yourself as cover.
Dorothy Blauer: Hmm? Oh yes, it’s quite cold, I could use a nice cover.
Yolanda Ando: The Headless Horseman is dressed in all black, bodysuit and tights with yellow gloves and elbow pads. He’s got a pumpkin mask.
Bill Blauer: Yes, he does.
The Headless Horseman needs help down from the horse, Bessy, but when he gets down, he’s a ball of energy. He gets in the ring and holds the bull rope up. He swings it around, over his head, prompting Steve Awesome to flee the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman sure seems to know his way around the bull rope!
Phillip Blauer: Is that some sort of skill?
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, From Sleepy Hollow; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 318 pounds…THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN!!!”
The audience boos The Headless Horseman, who raises one arm
Bullrope Match
Steve Awesome vs. The Headless Horseman
After The Headless Horseman attached his wrist to the bull rope, Tommy Milligan calls Steve Awesome over to attach him, but Awesome shakes his headGuillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome refusing to be hooked up to The Headless Horseman with that bull rope.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t blame him. Look at that thing, looks like you could get tetanus from that bell alone. They should at least check it for spiders.
Dorothy Blauer: Spiders??
Phillip Blauer: No, there’s no spiders. No spiders, Dorothy. Sorry, she’s deathly afraid of spiders due to her allergy to their bite.
Phil smoothes Dorothy’s hair to calm her as she panics. Inside the ring, Tommy Milligan is threatening Steve Awesome with disqualification if he won’t strap himself to the bull rope
Dorothy Blauer: Why are they making that man tie himself to the pumpkin head, Phillip?
Phillip Blauer: Shhh, I don’t know, dear. I don’t know.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome finally relenting and allowing Tommy Milligan to attach him to the bullrope.
Tommy Milligan straps Awesome’s wrist to the bullrope, but Awesome uses the distraction to blast Horseman with the bell
Phillip Blauer: Now he’s ready.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pressing the bottom of that bell into Horseman’s throat in the corner. He’s now stomping and kicking him.
The fans are loving every minute of it. Awesome steps on Horseman’s throat and leans on the ropes
Bill Blauer: Steve Awesome is now choking Horseman with the bull rope!
Phillip Blauer: Seems pretty standard for this match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman now fighting his way back to his feet with Awesome still pressing that rope against his throat. But the Horseman hits him on the top of the head with bionic elbow!
The Viejas Arena boos. Steve Awesome is doubled over, but he grabs the bell and jams it into Horseman’s groin
Phillip Blauer: Well, that put out that fire.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome trying to pull off that mask!
The fans cheer wildly as The Headless Horseman desperately tries to hang onto the mask from being violently ripped off his head
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, let’s see who this joker is!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome pulling him up by the mask, but The Headless Horseman rams that bell into Steve’s groin now!
Phillip Blauer: What?? You can’t do that in a bull rope match! It shames the very cowboys that made this famous!
The Headless Horseman shows the bell to the jeering fans
Bill Blauer: The Headless Horseman blasts Steve Awesome on the top of the head with that metal cow bell!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman pulls him up to his knees, and saws that cowbell into the forehead of Steve Awesome!!
The crowd boos as Awesome starts bleeding from his forehead. The Horseman takes the edge of the cowbell and twists it into one of the cuts, making Awesome scream in agony
Phillip Blauer: Who is this guy??
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Horseman pulls him up and cracks him on the top of the head with the bell again!!
Steve Awesome stands there for a second, blinking, with blood running down his forehead. Then he goes down like a redwood, sprawled out
Bill Blauer: Steve Awesome thought this would be a walk in the park against some new rookie, but it looks like The Headless Horseman asked for this specific match for a reason!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, go save some orphans.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman kneels down, braces Awesome’s head against his knee, and cracks that bell across his forehead!!
The audience groans and boos, and The Horseman gives Awesome a kick to the ribs
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman gets a little tangled in the rope, and Steve quickly uses it to his advantage and pulls the rope up tight across Horseman’s groin!
The crowd comes to life, and Horseman flips over from the impact. As The Horseman tries to get up, Awesome approaches him
Bill Blauer: Steve Awesome with a step up enzuigiri to the side of The Horseman’s ear!
Phillip Blauer: He doesn’t have a head, Bill, how is he going to have an ear? Leave this to the professionals.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome takes that cowbell, waits for The Headless Horseman to get up and dives at him, blasting him in the face with it!!
The Headless Horseman is sprawled out from the shot. The San Diego fans cheer. Steve Awesome walks over and tags the first turnbuckle, and Tommy Milligan counts it
ONE!
Bill Blauer: Steve Awesome attempting to end this now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A bleeding Awesome goes to the second turnbuckle but he can’t quite make it. He’s forced to drag The Headless Horseman with him, and he touches the second turnbuckle!
TWO!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome now going over to the third turnbuckle, but The Headless Horseman pulls back on the bull rope!
Bill Blauer: Awesome trying to drag him, but The Headless Horseman putting the brakes on.
Phillip Blauer: Come on, ya fat tub of goo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman now on his feet and cracks Awesome with a bionic elbow on the top of his head, dropping him to the mat!
Phillip Blauer: There must be something in those elbow pads.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman now choking Steve Awesome on the second rope, using the bull rope as well!
The Viejas Arena rains boos down on him. The Horseman rakes the bull rope across the cuts on Awesome’s forehead, causing him to scream
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Horseman now goes down stairs with a bell shot to the kidneys!
Bill Blauer: He pulls Steve Awesome up, and hits him with a jab. Another jab!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Headless Horseman hits Steve Awesome with two more jabs, and then does some windmills with his hands, gyrating his hips…
The Headless Horseman motions for a woozy Steve Awesome to stay there. Then he picks up the cowbell
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Horseman cracks Awesome with that bell again and he goes down hard!!
The audience is deafening with jeers and heckling of The Headless Horseman. He steps up on the second turnbuckle with the cowbell in his hand
Bill Blauer: But Steve Awesome yanks on the bull rope, and The Headless Horseman comes crashing down!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome gets to his feet and Thigh Slapper Superkicks him upside the head!!
The crowd is jumping up and down, as Steve Awesome pulls him up into a fireman’s carry, then swings him into a TKO
Guillermo O’Bannon: SteveKO!! Steve Awesome gets up and collapses into the first turnbuckle!
ONE!
Bill Blauer: Awesome staggers over and touches the second turnbuckle!
TWO!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome wraps the bull rope around, The Headless Horseman’s wrist, and is now dragging him over to the third corner!
The San Diego audience is rooting Steve on as he lugs The Headless Horseman with him. He reaches out and tags the third turnbuckle
Phillip Blauer: One more to go!
Dorothy Blauer: Until what?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulling The Headless Horseman along to the final corner, but The Horseman is back up!
Bill Blauer: They’re having a tug of war!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Steve Awesome pulling back on that rope, but suddenly The Headless Horseman gives in to the momentum and runs in with a v-trigger!!
Steve Awesome falls back into the corner! Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and the Viejas Arena erupts with cheers
Phillip Blauer: He did it!
Bill Blauer: Did what? Fall fortuitously?
"Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones plays as a loopy Steve Awesome lies in the corner. Tommy Milligan explains the situation to The Headless Horseman over and over
Greg Jin: “At 12 minutes 4 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE HARDKORE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ STEVE AWESOME!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan signaling that Steve Awesome did in fact touch the final turnbuckle, but it looks like The Headless Horseman isn’t done!
Phillip Blauer: The match is over! Tommy Milligan has to unhook him now!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Milligan has unhooked him, but The Headless Horseman whipping Awesome in the back with the bull rope!
Bill Blauer: Steve Awesome is getting out of there!
A busted open Steve Awesome staggers up the aisle, looking bewildered. Inside the ring, The Headless Horseman starts taking off his fat suit and pulling on his pumpkin mask,
Bill Blauer: I think we’re about to find out who The Headless Horseman is!
Phillip Blauer: I bet you anything it’s Suikerbossie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Marty Donovan!! He’s back!
The Viejas Arena boos and Steve Awesome just keeps shaking his head, saying “No no no no no no…”
Bill Blauer: Steve can’t believe it!
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, because the guy just did a phony baloney retirement announcement! You can’t do that! This is professional wrestling!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well he did it! And he has quite a history here in San Diego. Back in June of 2022, he lost to Natalie Burrows in a first round match in a tournament for the Hardkore West Coast Championship. This is where he beat Jagi Shiro in a TLC match in January of 2008. In July of 2006, he, along with Kilroy Evans and Syberus as The Un-Stable, successfully defended their Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles against “Platinum” Pat Bozzini, Death Gojira, and Paul Soutter.
Phillip Blauer: Enough with the history class, Mr. Belding!
Bill Blauer: It makes sense he lost, it’s pretty hard to win a wrestling match in a fat suit.
Steve Awesome holds his head in hands, muttering “No no no no no…” as Marty Donovan holds up the cowbell to the booing fans
Dorothy Blauer: Is this a different person?
Phillip Blauer: Yes, it’s a different person! A person who has made a mockery of retirement, horses, and pumpkins!! I thought he was out of my life forever, but he was just riding a horsey!
Bill Blauer: Calm down, brother.
Phillip Blauer: I will not calm my tits! I’m sorry to be the last person here who believes in honesty, sportsmanship, and the proper rendition of the song Midnight Rider!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the Hardkore California Championship match fans, stay tuned!
Coming in March, Hardkore World goes to the Desert!
Join us in Phoenix at the McKale Center where you will see stars like El Rey, The Sheik, Bobby Nowa and Joe Nobody!
Tickets on sale now!
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. fades back up on Guillermo O’Bannon, Phil Blauer, Dorothy Blauer, and Bill Blauer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the Hardkore California Championship match between Joe Nobody and Bobby Nowa.
Bill Blauer: I had been looking forward to this match all night, and then we had the earlier bombshell that Bobby Nowa has been wrestling as Kalmin Watts against Simon Cruise, Hardkore Helloween, and earlier this evening as well!
“Suicide is Painless” by the Manic Street Preachers plays and the San Diego audience pops. Anthony Jordan walks out alongside Bobby Nowa. Nowa has the old Hardkore America Championship wrapped around his waist
Bill Blauer: I really feel like these people are just popping for the MASH theme song.
Phillip Blauer: How dare you. At long last, have you no sense of decency?
Dorothy Blauer: I knew Gary Burghoff, who played Radar…
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we said previously, Bobby Nowa defeated “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall earlier in the evening…
Dorothy Blauer: …Biblically.
Guillermo throws his pen over his shoulder in resignation
Dorothy Blauer: He was tender, but resolute.
Phillip Blauer: Well, isn’t that a fine how-do-you-do??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Guys! (to the viewers) The last time Bobby Nowa was here in San Diego was June of 2004, when he defeated Greg “The Great” Daniels in a blue bar steel cage match.
Bill Blauer: Fun fact, Greg Daniels is the nephew of current Diamond Training Facility star Dana “The Drone” Daniels here in the XHF.
Phillip Blauer: That wasn’t fun at all. Talk about bait and switch.
Bobby Nowa slowly walks down to the ring with no acknowledgement of the cheering fans. Anthony Jordan gives him some last minute advice in his ear when he gets to ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: It might be a good thing for Bobby Nowa to have Anthony Jordan in his corner, as per usual, he had to be filled in on who his opponent was, for a title match.
Phillip Blauer: So he’s not a big research guy, big deal. Did you know the Beatles couldn’t read music?
Yolanda Ando: Bobby Nowa has short messy dark brown hair, and a full thick beard with touches of gray in it. He wears dark green & white tights, with a matching headband. He wears a graphic t-shirt that says “Dunder Mifflin” with black boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Nevertheless, Bobby Nowa took issue with the tone and the comments made by the Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody, and vowed to make him submit here tonight and take his title.
Bill Blauer: And with Anthony Jordan at his side, who has already managed Kalmin Watts to the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, he very well could. However, he did wrestle “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall earlier on this evening.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We’ll see how his conditioning comes into play.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson, Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Anthony Jordan; From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 242 pounds; The Hardkore America Champion…BOBBY NOWA!!!”
The San Diego fans cheer loudly
The lights in The Viejas Arena dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The San Diego fans jeer as the lyrics begin appearing on the screen
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!! Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie and the Hardkore California Championship belt around his waist before making his way to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody with his first title defense against former Hardkore America Champion, Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion, and Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Champion Bobby Nowa. He says he also didn’t do a lot of research…
Phillip Blauer: Oh, but I bet it’s fine when he does it.
Bill Blauer: As long as he wins.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But he by no means isn’t taking Nowa’s challenge seriously. He says he has been a journeyman of sorts over the course of his career, but he’s found a home here on the West Coast and Hardkore World.
Joe Nobody arrives at the ring steps and takes two steps before he stops suddenly. He turns and walks down the ring steps to the front row. There’s a little boy in the front row, and Nobody takes his signature fedora off and puts it on the little boy, who shows it off the camera
Dorothy Blauer: Take that hat off that lad’s head this instant! It makes him look like a mobster.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody’s dedicating this match to the men and women in the Marine Corps at nearby Camp Pendleton.
Dorothy Blauer: Then why bring it up?
Phillip Blauer: Exactly!
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Joe says he doubts Bobby Nowa can still go after his time off, and even if he can, Nobody has been through it all over his career. He says he’s the Hardkore California Champion for the residents of this state.
Phillip Blauer: Well he’s not doing it for the people in this arena, listen to the boo birds!
Bill Blauer: That’s because they’re just booing everyone you don’t like.
Phillip Blauer: The power I have over this city. I could make them all walk in the ocean if I wanted.
Guillermo and Bill both look at Phil, who has a far away look in his eye. Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, He is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The San Diego fans boo as Joe Nobody loosens the ropes
Hardkore California Championship Match
Joe Nobody vs. Bobby Nowa
Phillip Blauer: That move haunts Jack Perry’s dreams.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa leans back on the front facelock, trying to cut off Nobody’s air early.
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody slips his head out and takes him over in an armdrag.
Bobby Nowa gets up and runs right into another armdrag. He gets up again, but this time catches Nobody’s wrist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa takes Nobody over in an ipponzei over the shoulder armdrag.
Bill Blauer: Another signature move of Syberus.
Phillip Blauer: He doesn’t own the arm drag. Right? Or does he?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa applies an arm bar. No, Syberus doesn’t own the arm drag but it is definitely a case of him trying to show him up.
Bobby Nowa leans back on the arm bar, trying to pull Nobody’s arm out of its socket. Nobody works his way to his feet with Nowa hanging on to the arm bar
Bill Blauer: Nowa whacks him in the chest with a knife edge chop. Another one blisters Nobody’s pectorals!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa hits him with a third chop, and then shoots him into the ropes. He back drops Nobody high into the air!
The audience cheers the height he got. Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside as Bobby Nowa motions for Joe to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa goes for a crescent kick, but Joe Nobody catches his foot and takes him over with a dragon screw leg whip.
Bill Blauer: Before Bobby Nowa can get to his feet, Joe Nobody whacks him upside the head with a shining wizard!
The fans let out a collective “OH!” as the sound rings through the Viejas Arena. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a good shot Anthony Jordan wincing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody hooks up their legs and snaps back on a russian leg sweep, and rolls on top for a pin!
…ONE!
…Bobby Nowa kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody goes for a hip toss, but Nowa blocks it and applies an abdominal stretch.
Bill Blauer: Bobby Nowa sticks his foot and reclines back with Nobody’s arm, twisting his abdominal muscles.
Bobby Nowa reaches out and grabs Anthony Jordan’s outstretched hand unbeknownst to referee Richie Richardson. The San Diego audience cheers
Bill Blauer: How can they cheer this?
Phillip Blauer: Why? Just because it’s two men holding hands?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, because it’s cheating, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: Oh that. Eh.
Joe Nobody shakes his head, refusing to quit while Nowa uses that helping hand from Anthony Jordan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa pulls Nobody in with a shortarm clothesline that nearly takes his head off!
The audience cheers. Nowa pulls Joe Nobody up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes
Bill Blauer: Nowa goes for a spinebuster, but Joe Nobody reverses it into a tornado DDT!
The air goes out of the Viejas Arena. Joe Nobody irish whips Nowa into the ropes and hits him with a leaping calf kick
Bill Blauer: Perfect Placement!
Anthony Jordan pounds the mat, yelling instructions to Bobby Nowa. Joe Nobody pulls Nowa up and running tosses him over the ropes to the floor below
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He gets a running start, hops on the middle turnbuckle and missile dropkicks Bobby Nowa on the floor!!
The crowd boos. Nobody grabs Nowa in a front facelock and goes for a DDT, but out of the corner of his eye, he sees Anthony Jordan sneaking up on him
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody turns around and stops Anthony Jordan cold!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody threatening the back pedaling Anthony Jordan, but Bobby Nowa sneaks up on him with a double ax handle, and Nobody goes down!
Bill Blauer: Bobby Nowa grabs Nobody’s legs, and slingshots him face first into the steel corner post!!
The San Diego audience lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Nobody’s skull ringing off the corner post
Dorothy Blauer: What was that gong? Is Death here to drag me away?
Phillip Blauer: Not yet dear.
Anthony Jordan pulls up the ring mats on the floor, and the fans buzz with anticipation
Bill Blauer: Anthony Jordan peeling away any chance for a good outcome for Joe Nobody here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa pulls a now bleeding Joe Nobody’s head into his legs. He pulls him up and drills his skull into the exposed concrete with a piledriver!!
The crowd roars and chants “NOWA!! NOWA!! NOWA!!” as Anthony Jordan helps Bobby Nowa roll Joe Nobody back into the ring. Bobby climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa comes off the top with a ribbreaker double stomp to Joe Nobody’s chest!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa sits on the Hardkore California Champion’s back and applies a camel clutch!
Bill Blauer: Nowa lacing his fingers underneath Nobody’s chin, wrenching back on his head.
Blood drips down Nobody’s face while Nowa sits low on the camel clutch, peeling back on his head and neck. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in but Joe refuses to tap out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa climbs up to the top turnbuckle, and waits for his opponent to get up. He jumps off with a flying double ax handle, but Joe Nobody superkicks him in mid-air!!
The Viejas Arena rocks with boos. An opportunistic Joe Nobody lifts him up into a half nelson slam, into a cutter
Guillermo O’Bannon: ComboBreaker!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Bobby Nowa kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody pulls him up into a front facelock, and then rolls him around, dropping down into a hangman’s neckbreaker!
A bloody Joe Nobody steps through the ropes out on to the apron, and climbs to the top turnbuckle. Anthony Jordan grabs Nobody’s leg, crotching him on the top turnbuckle
Bill Blauer: Blatant interference by Anthony Jordan, come on Pee Wee!
Phillip Blauer: Richie is not infallible. He’s not Matt Lauer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa climbs to the second turnbuckle, and then gut wrenches Nobody into a tigerbomb!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody claps his legs together on Nowa’s head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa irish whips Nobody into the corner and follows him in with a stinger splash!
Joe Nobody staggers out of the corner, and Nowa catches him a full nelson and then pitches him face first into a reverse russian leg sweep
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Rosebud!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody left a gruesome bloody stain on the canvas where his head hit.
Phillip Blauer: People have to roll around in that? This guy.
Anthony Jordan pounds on the apron while the crowd cheers for Nowa. Bobby irish whips Nobody into the ropes and goes for a clothesline, but Nobody ducks and reverses it into a float over DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Status Symbol!
Bill Blauer: Nobody needed a game changer there, and I think that was it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody lifts Nowa up in a full nelson, and then drops him on the back of his head with a release dragon suplex!
The Viejas Arena boos. Nobody wipes some blood out of his eyes and then pulls Nowa up into a suplex position. Bobby blocks the suplex and hooks his leg, rolling back into a small package
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Fruit Roll-Up!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Bill Blauer: That was Bobby Nowa’s finish when he was the Fruity Flyer back in 1997!
Dorothy Blauer: In 1997, I was a groupie for the Cherry Poppin Daddies, the swing group. They thought it gave them street cred to have a woman who took Tommy Dorsey’s virginity.
Phillip Blauer: You could have told me that in Zoot Suit Private.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa pops Joe Nobody in the side of the head with a side crescent kick!
The crimson masked Nobody back pedals into the ropes. Bobby Nowa irish whips Joe into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa flips him inside out with a running lariat!
The San Diego crowd roars! Anthony Jordan points to the air, and Bobby Nowa climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa backflips into a moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa gets behind Joe Nobody and applies a chicken wing crossface!
Bill Blauer: Nowa clamps down across Joe Nobody’s windpipe, while pulling up on his hammerlocked arm, trying to hyperextend the elbow.
The audience pops as Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside. Richie Richardson checks in but Joe Nobody shakes his head
Bill Blauer: The Hardkore California Champion refusing to give up!
A busted open Joe Nobody slips out of the chicken wing crossface and does a go behind. He grabs Nowa in a rear waistlock, and german suplexes him up, then transitions into a wheelbarrow facebuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Victory Buster!!
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody hooks Nowa’s leg with a fisherman’s, then lifts him up into the suplex, only to drop him in an orange crush!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Bobby Nowa kicks out!
The fans cheer Nowa kicking out, while Anthony Jordan pats his heart in relief.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining!”
Joe Nobody pulls Nowa up and takes a swing at him, but Bobby ducks and atomic drops Nobody
Bill Blauer: Bobby Nowa irish whips Joe Nobody into the ropes, and catches him with a belly to belly suplex!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby To Belly!
The audience boos as Kalmin Watts begins running down the aisle to the ring
Phillip Blauer: What is he doing here??
Bill Blauer: Anthony Jordan and Bobby Nowa betrayed Kalmin Watts before and tried to take him out.
Phillip Blauer: Right, so what is he doing here?
Anthony Jordan begs off, trying to reason with Kalmin Watts as the crowd heckles him. Bobby Nowa goes to the ropes at the side of the ring to warn Watts to keep his paws off of Anthony
Bill Blauer: The chickens have come home to roost for Jordan and Nowa!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa gets caught from behind with a running STO from Joe Nobody!! Denial of Perfection!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane and The Viejas Arena rocks with boos. Joe Nobody rolls out of the ring and collects his Hardkore California Championship from Hardkore Timekeeper Randy Valentine Jr.
Greg Jin: “At 22 minutes 32 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…JOE NOBODY!!!”
Phillip Blauer: No! That is blatant interference from Anthony Jordan’s disgruntled ex-employee that cost the rightful Hardkore America Heavyweight Champion Bobby Nowa the Hardkore California Championship!
Bill Blauer: After the beating that Kalmin Watts took earlier after Nowa’s match with “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall, I wouldn’t be surprised if he just woke up.
A blood drenched Joe Nobody walks up to the back with the disapproving fans giving him the thumbs down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nevertheless, Joe Nobody successfully retains the Hardkore California Championship in his first title defense and…Bobby Nowa is not happy with Kalmin Watts right now.
Bill Blauer: I would call it pissed.
Phillip Blauer: Imagine how Bobby Nowa feels. This is like going out with a woman and her ex-boyfriend shows up in the middle to explain how he’s changed.
Bobby Nowa invites Kalmin Watts into the ring and the San DIego crowd pops
Bill Blauer: Kalmin Watts only too happy to oblige…
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Anthony Jordan whacks him from behind with the steel steps!!
The sound of Kalmin Watts’ head ringing off the steel steps thunders through the entire Viejas Arena
Bill Blauer: They used to be so close, and now it’s come to this!
The audience roars as Anthony Jordan stands over Kalmin Watts unmoving body. Bobby Nowa takes the ring stairs from the other side of the ring and places it next to the original stairs, making a pyramid
Bill Blauer: Anthony Jordan drags Kalmin Watts on to the top of the bridged stairs, while Bobby Nowa climbs to the top turnbuckle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa comes off the top with a double stomp to Kalmin Watts’ chest on the bridged ring stairs!!!
The Viejas Arena lets out a collective “OH!” at the sight of Watts getting double stomped on the double stairs with no give
Bill Blauer: Jordan offering up his previous client for his newest client!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The smaller Bobby Nowa squished former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kalmin Watts on those ring stairs!
Kalmin Watts rolls off of the pyramid of stairs, clutching his collarbone. Nowa and Anthony Jordan raise their arms in triumph
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa and Anthony Jordan have bonded as a new force here in Hardkore World.
Bill Blauer: And it looks as though former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kalmin Watts is their first victim!
Dorothy Blauer: Where’s that masked fellow run off to?
Phillip Blauer: Are you referring to the Hamburgler?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is the Hardkore Women’s Championship with Tuxedo Mask suspended over the ring!
Coming in April, it’s the Grand Daddy of them all, Palm Springs Punishment 2024!
Hardkore World comes back to Palm Springs, California at Acrisure Arena for our biggest show of the year!
Tickets on sale now!
Fade up on a shark cage at ringside
Phillip Blauer: Glaucoma, your ride is here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil that’s the cage that Tuxedo Mask will be in to keep him from interfering in tonight’s rematch between three time Hardkore Women’s Champion Ri Eun-Ae and former champion Mickie Fury.
Dorothy Blauer: That’s where we used to keep the town Lutheran. You could throw rotted tomatoes at them for their apostasy, but you couldn’t fall in love with them. That was easier said than done.
“Queen of the Night'' by Whitney Houston plays and a spotlight follows Mickie Fury as the Viejas Arena jeers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury wasn’t able to train with her husband Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen as usual because he was severely beaten by some people Mickie claims were hired by Tuxedo Mask.
Bill Blauer: I could see Tuxedo Mask doing a lot of things, but that seems a little brutal for his tastes.
Phillip Blauer: Boy, has Tux got you snowed.
When Mickie Fury gets to ringside she motions that she wants her Hardkore Women’s Championship back for Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Instead, it was Marcus F. O’Donnell who trained her for this rematch…
Phillip Blauer: He also represented me in my personal injury case against that Pizza Hut slip and fall I had in the garlic butter. Did you know he doesn’t make a dime unless you win? Then he takes 93%.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie says the cage isn’t to protect her from Tux interfering, it’s to protect Tux from her after he sent those men after her husband.
Yolanda Ando: Mickie Fury is dressed in a white catsuit and boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda.
Phillip Blauer: Mickie said that if she does get her hands on Tux he will “feel her fist in a place that is wet and dark and he will scream.”
Dorothy Blauer: Where in heaven’s sake is that??
Fury vaults over the ropes and jumps into the ring. She does some dance moves and then goes to the corner to await her opponent.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Pasadena, California, Currently Residing in Los Angeles, Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 148 pounds; She is the New Bitch In Town…MICKIE FURY!!!”
The San Diego fans boo as Mickie stares down the aisle
"Adrenaline" by Rosetta Stone plays and the audience jeers. Ri Eun-Ae walks out with Tuxedo Mask giving the fans a peace sign
Guillermo O’Bannon: After failing to recapture her Hardkore Women’s Championship in September in Maui, Ri Eun-Ae was able to defeat Mickie Fury at Hardkore Helloween 2023.
Bill Blauer: But not without some controversy and distraction from Tuxedo Mask, hence the need for suspending him over the ring in the shark cage.
Dorothy Blauer: Seems rather severe. There aren’t any administrative steps we could have taken before hanging someone 30 feet in the air?
Phil, Bill and Guillermo: (in unison) Nope.
Tuxedo Mask bats away fans that try and touch him, clearing the way for Ri Eun-Ae to make it to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae says that Hardkore World will see her dominance here tonight as she defeats the former champion once and for all, with no distractions.
Phillip Blauer: (staring at the ring) Well, sure but she’s going to have to look out for Mickie’s power while the former champ will have to be careful of Ri’s strong but soft, supple legs…
Dorothy Blauer: Phillip!
Phillip Blauer: (snaps out of it) Huh?
Dorothy Blauer: That’s it, I am canceling the cable. I knew letting you watch the New Night Court would give you ideas.
Phillip Blauer: First of all, having more channels than just the Praise the Lord network isn’t CABLE!
Eun-Ae climbs to the top turnbuckle and backflips into the ring but the fans boo the effort! She goes to a split and gives them another peace sign as Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a tight close up
Yolanda Ando: Rei Eun-Ae wears a blue and red silk robe that she wears to the ring, and once removed she's wearing a green backless halter top with gold trim and matching shorts and boots.
Greg Jin: “And her opponent, Accompanied to the ring by Tuxedo Mask; From Olympia, Washington; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 148 pounds; She is The Current HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…RI EUN-AE!!!”
The San Diego crowd jeers and heckles Ri Eun-Ae as she yells “Yeah!” while throwing up the peace sign
Hardkore World Women's Championship
Ri Eun-Ae vs. Mickie Fury
Kelly O’Connell tells Tuxedo Mask to go into the shark cage, but he shakes his head
Bill Blauer: Tuxedo Mask refusing to go into the shark cage!
Phillip Blauer: With this crew at the controls, I wouldn’t exactly be running in there to be hung over the ring myself.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well Tuxedo Mask signed a contract to be in there for this match up…
Phillip Blauer: And probably signed away his right to sue in the extremely likely event Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. left to go get a gyro and let the cage drop, causing catastrophic injury.
Mickie Fury loses her patience and walks towards Tuxedo Mask, who back pedals away from her
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury chases Tuxedo Mask into that cage!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae takes advantage of her distraction and hits Mickie Fury in the nose with a palm thrust.
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. Mickie Fury punches Eun-Ae in the stomach. Meanwhile Tux is being locked in the cage. Fury goes for a hip toss, but Ri blocks it
Bill Blauer: Eun-Ae twists Fury’s arm and hits her with a few kicks to her shoulders and the back of the head!
The audience boos. Meanwhile, Tuxedo Mask’s shark cage is being lifted and then moved over the ring
Phillip Blauer: Steady lads…steady.
Dorothy Blauer: Is this a dunk tank? Is he going to say pro-Union things?
Phillip Blauer: He better not, or I will walk out and find some other promotion to barely pay attention to.
Bill Blauer: Guillermo? Guillermo?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (startled) Sorry. I was just daydreaming of that scenario. I’ll be alright, I just, I mean, I just…
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae irish whips her but Mickie Fury reverses it and shoots her chest first into the turnbuckles!
Ri Eun-Ae turns around in the corner, holding her collarbone. Mickie Fury hits her with a running european uppercut, and then goes to the kitty corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury handsprings into a back elbow that rocks Eun-Ae!
Fury hip tosses Eun-Ae out of the corner. Ri gets up, but Mickie deposits her right back on her back with a judo toss. Tuxedo Mask can be heard rooting Ri Eun-Ae on from the shark cage hanging over the ring
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury overwhelming the three time Hardkore Women’s Champion early here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury irish whips Ri Eun-Ae into the ropes and hits her with a stiff running clothesline!
Tuxedo Mask says “Hey, where’s the old ball and chain?” Mickie Fury starts climbing the turnbuckles to get to him
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury climbing the turnbuckles to try and get at Tuxedo Mask!
Phillip Blauer: She’s not going to be able to reach him. That’s crazy sauce.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury blames Tuxedo Mask for whoever attacked her husband and I think Tux is trying to use that to their advantage.
Bill Blauer: But Ri Eun-Ae climbs up behind her and drops her with a back superplex!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The shark cage was supposed to prevent Tux from interfering in this match, but already he is making his presence known.
Phillip Blauer: Pretty typical if you ask me.
Dorothy Blauer: (throws a turnip at the cage) Down with unions!
Phillip Blauer: It’s not a dunk tank, honey.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae pulls her up and irish whips her into the corner. She chokes her with her boot.
The Viejas Arena jeers as Kelly O’Connell gives her a five count to stop the choke
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae pulls her out of the corner with a release german suplex!
Bill Blauer: She pulls Mickie Fury up with another rear waistlock, and german suplexes her again. No bridge, all impact on the back of her neck! You know Guillermo, Mick Foley said the move that took the most time off of his career was that move right there.
Phillip Blauer: Poor chap thinks he’s Santa Claus now, getting lost on his way to the bathroom.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae wraps her legs around Mickie Fury’s head, and applies a reverse triangle choke!
The boos get louder as Eun-Ae pulls on Fury’s arm while facing the mat, squeezing her head and neck with her powerful legs. Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if Micke Fury wants to tap out
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury reaches over and grabs the ropes, and Kelly O’Connell forces Ri Eun-Ae to release her. She begins climbing to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae backflips into a moonsault leg drop, but Mickie Fury rolls out of the way!!
Ri Eun-Ae crash lands on the backs of her legs. She rolls around, holding the back of her thigh in pain. Mickie Fury pulls her up into a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury runs her into the ropes and tumbles back into a bridging back roll press!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Ri Eun-Ae kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae catches Mickie Fury coming in with an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Both ladies looking for any opportunity to end this match!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury catches Eun-Ae in the temple with a step up enzuigiri!
The Viejas Arena lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Fury’s boot hitting the side of Ri Eun-Ae’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury turns her over into a single leg boston crab!
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury reclines backwards with Ri Eun-Ae’s trapped leg, putting her knee in a painful position.
The fans boo as Fury sits back on Ri Eun-Ae’s upper back while cranking back on her calf and foot. Tuxedo Mask claps in the cage above them in support of Eun-Ae
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae crawls over to the side of the ring, and is finally able to grab that bottom rope!
The audience jeers as Kelly O’Connell taps Mickie Fury on the shoulder and forces her to break the half crab
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury scoops her up and bodyslams her over the ropes to the floor below!
The San Diego crowd winces at the awkward way Ri Eun-Ae fell to the concrete. Mickie Fury climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury leaps off the top rope with a plancha on Ri Eun-Ae on the floor!!
The sound of Eun-Ae hitting the railing rings through the Viejas Arena
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury pulls Ri up by the hair, and then uses it to snapmare Eun-Ae on the floor!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury rolls back into the ring and waits for Ri Eun-Ae to get back to her feet. She slingshots herself over into a crossbody on the floor!!
The audience boos. Mickie Fury pulls her up by the hair and leans her against the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury twirls around into a spinning roundhouse kick that takes out Ri Eun-Ae on the floor!
Mickie Fury rolls onto the apron and then uses the ropes to pull herself up onto her feet
Bill Blauer: Fury gets a running start and somersaults into a senton, but Ri Eun-Ae moves and Mickie just lands on concrete!!
Fury cries out in pain. Ri Eun-Ae pulls her up by the hair and knees Fury hard in the gut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae gut wrenches her up into a running powerbomb over the railing into the front row of the audience!!
The fans shout “OH!” Mickie Fury lies across the lap of a teenage fan lying on the floor, with people trying to help him up, but he motions that he’s fine for right now
Phillip Blauer: (into his walkie talkie) Larry, be advised, I think we have a code 12.
Ri Eun-Ae slowly rolls back into the ring while Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. helps Mickie Fury to her feet. Eun-Ae slingshots herself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Springboard missile dropkick to Mickie Fury, pitching her into the aisleway!!
The audience has to give it up for that maneuver, along with Tuxedo Mask. Both women, and Larry, lie on the Viejas Arena floor in the audience, trying to recover
Bill Blauer: What a match!
Phillip Blauer: Larry’s dead! The valor of Larry Valentine Jr., taking a bullet for the fan standing behind him. They should have a statue of him in front of all our venues.
Dorothy Blauer: Now he can work for me in heaven.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m pretty sure Larry’s alive, but he might have taken a nasty spill there.
Bill Blauer: Meanwhile, Ri Eun-Ae tosses Mickie over the railing into the ringside area.
Ri Eun-Ae steps over the railing and grabs Mickie by the hair. She points to the ring post. And then points to Fury's head, and then point to the ring post again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae runs Mickie Fury’s head into the steel corner post!!
The audience reacts to the sound of Fury’s skull hitting the post. Eun-Ae rolls Mickie Fury back into the ring, and then climbs to the top turnbuckle, turning around to face the jeering San Diego crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Swan dive moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Ri Eun-Ae pulls Mickie Fury up into a crotch-tie position, and then pumphandles her up into a release fallaway slam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thundermuffin!!
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae irish whips Fury into the ropes and goes for a backdrop, but Fury catches her with a swinging neckbreaker!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie grabs Ri in a handstand headscissors.
Tuxedo Mask yells some encouragement from the cage swinging over them. Eun-Ae grimaces in pain and tries to pry her head out of Fury’s legs
.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury takes her over into a headscissors takedown. She irish whips Ri Eun-Ae into the ropes and catches her with a flapjack!
Bill Blauer: Fury sticks her knees into Eun-Ae’s back and rolls her up into a bow and arrow!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse, who we saw earlier this evening, taught Mickie this move, and it is applied expertly.
Ri Eun-Ae shakes her head, refusing to give up to Kelly O’Connell. Up in the cage, Tuxedo Mask has grown bored. He remembers something and then reaches into his coat pocket
Bill Blauer: I don’t believe this! Tux just pulled out a meatball sub!
Phillip Blauer: I can. Tonight’s food backstage was catered by the San Diego Correctional Facility. I took a picture with that guy that started all those wildfires.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury impaling Ri Eun-Ae across her knees, trying to break the champion’s back.
Mickie finally gives up and climbs to the top turnbuckle. She waits for Ri Eun-Ae to stand up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury comes off the top and catches Ri Eun-Ae with a huracanrana!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Ri Eun-Ae kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury irish whips Eun-Ae into the ropes and pops her with a swinging elbow!
Bill Blauer: You could hear her teeth rattle from here!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury climbs to the top turnbuckle, but Ri Eun-Ae climbs up behind her, and catches her in the face with an open palm strike.
The audience buzzes in anticipation. Ri Eun-Ae scoops her up, and back flips into a moonsault powerslam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Supreme Thunder Crash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Bill Blauer: What a back and forth battle!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae irish whips Mickie Fury into the ropes and then tiltawhirls her into a northern lights bomb!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri lifts Mickie Fury up in a textbook suplex, but just leaves her up there!
Phillip Blauer: That reminds me. Does anyone else want a hot dog with extra Look At Me sauce?
Dorothy Blauer: I would love a frankfurter.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Phillip Blauer: Great, now I got to get one. See what she did? Which Valentine do you go to around here to get a hot dog?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Louie.
Phil beckons over Hardkore Concession Louie Valentine Jr. Meanwhile, Ri Eun-Ae lets Mickie Fury fall forward out of the textbook suplex into a flatliner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Implant Thunder!! She lifts Mickie Fury up into a bridging head and arm suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury gets her shoulder up!
Phillip Blauer: Here you my love, an outrageously priced frankfurter sandwich that he forgot to give me change for.
Phil tries to feed Dorothy the hot dog, but he’s looking at the ring, so he just mashes it in her face. He doesn’t notice her struggling to breathe. Tuxedo Mask roots Ri Eun-Ae on from above, with his mouth filled with meatball sandwich
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae pulls Mickie up, but Fury was playing possum and sweeps Eun-Ae’s legs out from under her.
Bill Blauer: Mickie Fury comes off the ropes with a spin kick that takes her out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury punches her in the stomach a few times, and then double underhooks her arms. She snap butterfly suplexes her over her shoulder!
Fury pulls her up and cracks her in the jaw with a couple of forearms. At the announce table, Phil is continuing to blindly cram the hot dog into her mouth. Inside the ring, Mickie hits the ropes, but before she can do anything she is hit in the face with something
Guillermo O’Bannon: What the hell was that?
Bill Blauer: I think that was a meatball that fell out of Tuxedo Mask’s sub.
Phillip Blauer: That’s a relief, I thought she had gotten color.
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts to a shot of Tux on his belly reaching out through the bottom bars for the lost meatball. Ri Eun-Ae butterflies Fury’s arms and double underhooks him up and then back on to his face with a dominator powerbomb
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thunderclap Zap!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"Adrenaline" by Rosetta Stone plays and the San Diego fans boo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae has successfully defended her Hardkore Women’s Champion from the woman she won the title from this last time!
Greg Jin: “At 24 minutes 48 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…RI EUN-AE!!!”
Phillip Blauer: Kelly didn’t see the meatball hit Mickie in the face? (does Italian gesture) What are his eyes covered in marinara?
Bill Blauer: I have to agree. The cage didn’t do much to eliminate Tuxedo Mask from interfering in this match.
They lower Tuxedo Mask to the ground and then Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. opens the cage door to let him out. Kelly O’Connell hands Ri Eun-Ae her Hardkore Women’s Championship while Eun-Ae checks her jaw for damage. Suddenly “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor plays
Phillip Blauer: What’s this? Are we about to be shown feats of strength from the power of believing from a church that’s also a gym but is also a cult?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m not sure…
A woman walks out wearing a full bodied black cat suit with dark tiger stripes, black wrestling boots with black tiger claws, black MMA fighting gloves w/black tiger claws and a black tiger's mask that covers her entire face and head except for her long dark hair that flows freely from the back of her mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Black Tiger!
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger motioning that she wants that Hardkore Women’s Championship!
The fans pop as Ri Eun-Ae slowly nods, with Tuxedo Mask standing behind her, accepting the challenge for her
Guillermo O’Bannon: That will be a great one, possibly in LA when we travel there next month!
Ri Eun slaps the championship belt over her shoulder, while motioning for Black Tiger to come to the ring now if she wants to, but Black Tiger just nods in return
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t go away fans, we still have the Hardkore West Coast Championship between Simon Cruise and The Sheik, coming up!
Coming In May, Hardkore World travels to the Southwest!
Join us in Albuquerque at the Rio Rancho Events Center where you will see stars like Kilroy Evans, Florida Man, Ri Eun-Ae, and Joey Little Horse!
Tickets on sale now!
