Fatality! [Florida Man spells Hegemony]
Jan 6, 2024 11:15:05 GMT -5
Kira Izumi, mosler, and 1 more like this
Post by flo on Jan 6, 2024 11:15:05 GMT -5
A dwarf who has been painted green, and the 1984 NFL Most Valuable Player, shoot the shit while siphoning gas out of a Dodge Caravan. Parked behind them in a pink jalopy known as the Floridamobile, the Gorn masked driver pretends he can read the January issue of "Semi-Automatic Weapons, Miniature Schnauzer Breeding, Post-Modern Stamp Collecting, Ambient Black Metal, Lower Maine Herpetology and Swollen Ankles Covered in Peanut Butter - Enthusiast" magazine. The only publication specifically aimed at a readership that is interested in all six passions. If you're only down with five of those things it might as well be toilet paper. Florida Man is mainly interested in the pictures.
Gazoo:
Hear about that Battle for Hegemony show?
Dan Marino (spits out gasoline and turns the hose to a jug):
The Dinosaur show? I thought that "fed" (mosler ) went out of business? How different are our sports?
Gazoo:
The host being dead never stopped it before, Danny. Besides, it's a global show. Frankly I'm surprised the line-up doesn't include the Epcot Mafia taking on whatever Marty (Visit Neom ) and the brat are calling themselves. (No response from Florida Man) Hey Flo, ain't there a random Marty tag you should be accidentally challenging like you don't know he's two-timi*
Florida Man (flips page, and ignores the accusations against his faithful tag partner Marty):
Gaz, that show is going down at the Tokyo Dome. As a J-RoK employee (Kira Izumi )...... I don't think that is canon.
Gazoo:
Oh, no, it's there alright. (turning back to Marino) They even have celebrities showing up to encourage local burn victims to give the venue another chance.
Dan Marino:
Like real athletes?
Gazoo:
Well, Ed Boon is supposed to be there.
Dan Marino:
Who?
Before Gaz can answer a magazine is loudly crumpled up. The two men look up as Florida Man climbs out of the hate crime he calls transportation, with a championship belt in hand.
Gazoo:
Game designer... apparently he's scouting new colours to do ninja palette swaps. I'm hoping he discovers Moss.
Florida Man:
Dang it, Gaz... why didn't you lead with that?
Gazoo:
What?
Florida Man:
You know my dream-
Gazoo:
To hunt Timothée Chalamet for sport with a camel spider on a leash?
Florida Man:
The spice will flow that day, NO, the OTHER dream!
A confused look. The one about the Golden Girls mud wrestling? If Florida Man wasn't wearing a mask, he'd look annoyed.
Florida Man:
We got an XHF videographer present?
The window of the dodge rolls down just enough to answer, the driver is clearly uncomfortable with the gang stealing his gas.
Camera Dude:
The Network sent me to gets some words on your-
Florida Man:
Stow it.
Medium close-up. Florida Man peers through a two inch opening in a tinted window. He seems menacing. The Sunshine State Stud holds up his gold, the W:UK Commonwealth Championship.
Florida Man:
XHF. Seems like every time I look around, Kira and his cronies are invading the United Kingdom... of Florida. Well it's about time for W:UK'F to return the favour! So I'm heading to Japan, and imma taking the W:UK Commonwealth Championship with me! At the Battle for.... line...
Gazoo:
Hegemony.
Florida Man:
...yeah, that ain't gonna work. At the BATTLE FOR H... I is gonna defend my prestigious strap- hells, being the tag champ, and world contender that I is, if I didn't moonlight with it, I'd never get a chance to show the world I was the best Commonwealth champion ever.
Gazoo:
Shouldn't you defend it in the British Commonwealth, like Canada or Australia... not Japan-
Florida Man:
The Commonwealth of Florida recognizes all my dominions! Nah, I is heading to the Tokyo Dome, where I'll get my boi Wormwood to fill out the necessary paperwork to defend this sucker against MOLOCH (Donzig )! That's right the big ass Oblivion Death Squader who took a piss on me and Marty's first beloved W:UK Tag title run, by winning the global titles and getting higher card placements than us - the hottest tag division in town. OH YEAH, ODS, I'm Richard PETTY that way! Y'all wrote cheques that your ass is about to bounce. I dug saving Christmas with y'all, but come Battle for H - the H won't be standing for Horse.
Gazoo:
The H doesn't stand for Horse, Flo.
Florida Man (ignoring his attorney):
WE WILL SHOW THE XHF NETWORK, OUR W:UK FIGHTING SPIRIT! Oh yeah, you and me, Moloch...
At the Tokyo Dome, Florida-Gun is gonna explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Florida Man holds up the W:UK Commonwealth Championship to tease his Tag rival with promises of singles glory.
Gazoo:
What does that have to do with your dream?
Florida Man (turning from camera):
Ever since I was just a little Florida Man-Child... I've always wanted to be a DLC character for Mortal Kombat 1 (2023). Terminator. Rambo. Xenomorph. Predator. Robocop. Kratos. Freddy. .......The next logical guest star is ME. Florida Man.
Gazoo:
Those are movie franchises while you're a wrestler. Steve Awesome (Steve Awesome ) has a better chance-
Florida Man:
Shit Storm movies are the bomb, but yo, they got John Cena this year! I'm like twice the wrestler he is! So if Ed Boon is in town for the Battle for H, this is my chance....
Turning back to the camera, Florida Man starts to belt out...
A montage set to Florida Man's karaoke version of I Dreamed A Dream, sees a small child wearing an oversized Gorn mask trying to find Reptile in the original Mortal Kombat.
#....I had a dream my guest star life would be#
As the child runs out of quarters before he can get his double flawless victories, the song ends prematurely, returning to the makeshift Dodge Caravan gas station.
Florida Man:
...So you see, I'll show Ed Boon that I'm twice as good as that lousy Moloch! If Moloch can be a 2-D fighter, so can Florida Man!
Gazoo:
You're thinking of Soul Calibur, Flo.
Florida Man:
Nah, Moloch was a character in-
Both:
The one with swords.
Florida Man:
.......dang. I hope Ed Boon doesn't see the last part of this promo.
Gazoo:
Leave it to Moloch to embarrass you like this.
Florida Man:
FLORIDA-GUN WILL EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan Marino passes out from gasoline consumption, which seems as good a place to fade as any.
Gazoo:
Hear about that Battle for Hegemony show?
Dan Marino (spits out gasoline and turns the hose to a jug):
The Dinosaur show? I thought that "fed" (mosler ) went out of business? How different are our sports?
Gazoo:
The host being dead never stopped it before, Danny. Besides, it's a global show. Frankly I'm surprised the line-up doesn't include the Epcot Mafia taking on whatever Marty (Visit Neom ) and the brat are calling themselves. (No response from Florida Man) Hey Flo, ain't there a random Marty tag you should be accidentally challenging like you don't know he's two-timi*
Florida Man (flips page, and ignores the accusations against his faithful tag partner Marty):
Gaz, that show is going down at the Tokyo Dome. As a J-RoK employee (Kira Izumi )...... I don't think that is canon.
Gazoo:
Oh, no, it's there alright. (turning back to Marino) They even have celebrities showing up to encourage local burn victims to give the venue another chance.
Dan Marino:
Like real athletes?
Gazoo:
Well, Ed Boon is supposed to be there.
Dan Marino:
Who?
Before Gaz can answer a magazine is loudly crumpled up. The two men look up as Florida Man climbs out of the hate crime he calls transportation, with a championship belt in hand.
Gazoo:
Game designer... apparently he's scouting new colours to do ninja palette swaps. I'm hoping he discovers Moss.
Florida Man:
Dang it, Gaz... why didn't you lead with that?
Gazoo:
What?
Florida Man:
You know my dream-
Gazoo:
To hunt Timothée Chalamet for sport with a camel spider on a leash?
Florida Man:
The spice will flow that day, NO, the OTHER dream!
A confused look. The one about the Golden Girls mud wrestling? If Florida Man wasn't wearing a mask, he'd look annoyed.
Florida Man:
We got an XHF videographer present?
The window of the dodge rolls down just enough to answer, the driver is clearly uncomfortable with the gang stealing his gas.
Camera Dude:
The Network sent me to gets some words on your-
Florida Man:
Stow it.
Medium close-up. Florida Man peers through a two inch opening in a tinted window. He seems menacing. The Sunshine State Stud holds up his gold, the W:UK Commonwealth Championship.
Florida Man:
XHF. Seems like every time I look around, Kira and his cronies are invading the United Kingdom... of Florida. Well it's about time for W:UK'F to return the favour! So I'm heading to Japan, and imma taking the W:UK Commonwealth Championship with me! At the Battle for.... line...
Gazoo:
Hegemony.
Florida Man:
...yeah, that ain't gonna work. At the BATTLE FOR H... I is gonna defend my prestigious strap- hells, being the tag champ, and world contender that I is, if I didn't moonlight with it, I'd never get a chance to show the world I was the best Commonwealth champion ever.
Gazoo:
Shouldn't you defend it in the British Commonwealth, like Canada or Australia... not Japan-
Florida Man:
The Commonwealth of Florida recognizes all my dominions! Nah, I is heading to the Tokyo Dome, where I'll get my boi Wormwood to fill out the necessary paperwork to defend this sucker against MOLOCH (Donzig )! That's right the big ass Oblivion Death Squader who took a piss on me and Marty's first beloved W:UK Tag title run, by winning the global titles and getting higher card placements than us - the hottest tag division in town. OH YEAH, ODS, I'm Richard PETTY that way! Y'all wrote cheques that your ass is about to bounce. I dug saving Christmas with y'all, but come Battle for H - the H won't be standing for Horse.
Gazoo:
The H doesn't stand for Horse, Flo.
Florida Man (ignoring his attorney):
WE WILL SHOW THE XHF NETWORK, OUR W:UK FIGHTING SPIRIT! Oh yeah, you and me, Moloch...
At the Tokyo Dome, Florida-Gun is gonna explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Florida Man holds up the W:UK Commonwealth Championship to tease his Tag rival with promises of singles glory.
Gazoo:
What does that have to do with your dream?
Florida Man (turning from camera):
Ever since I was just a little Florida Man-Child... I've always wanted to be a DLC character for Mortal Kombat 1 (2023). Terminator. Rambo. Xenomorph. Predator. Robocop. Kratos. Freddy. .......The next logical guest star is ME. Florida Man.
Gazoo:
Those are movie franchises while you're a wrestler. Steve Awesome (Steve Awesome ) has a better chance-
Florida Man:
Shit Storm movies are the bomb, but yo, they got John Cena this year! I'm like twice the wrestler he is! So if Ed Boon is in town for the Battle for H, this is my chance....
Turning back to the camera, Florida Man starts to belt out...
#I dreamed a dream in times gone biggity by#
A montage set to Florida Man's karaoke version of I Dreamed A Dream, sees a small child wearing an oversized Gorn mask trying to find Reptile in the original Mortal Kombat.
#When hope was high and life worth quarter diving#
#I dreamed that Johnny Cage would never diggity die#
#I prayed that Goro would be forgiving#
#Then I was young with unproven brand#
#And sponsorship deals were made and used and wiggity wasted#
#There was no ransom to be piggity paid#
#No song unsung, no wine untasted... FACTS#
#But the combos come at night#
#With their button smashing soft as thunder#
#As they tear your higgity health bar apart#
#And they turn your DLC dreams to shame#
#And still I dream Boon'd come to me#
#That we would charge $8.99 together#
#But there is DLC dreams that cannot be#
#And there is Warner comic mandates we can't weather#
#....I had a dream my guest star life would be#
#So different from this J-RoK hell I'm living...#
As the child runs out of quarters before he can get his double flawless victories, the song ends prematurely, returning to the makeshift Dodge Caravan gas station.
Florida Man:
...So you see, I'll show Ed Boon that I'm twice as good as that lousy Moloch! If Moloch can be a 2-D fighter, so can Florida Man!
Gazoo:
You're thinking of Soul Calibur, Flo.
Florida Man:
Nah, Moloch was a character in-
Both:
The one with swords.
Florida Man:
.......dang. I hope Ed Boon doesn't see the last part of this promo.
Gazoo:
Leave it to Moloch to embarrass you like this.
Florida Man:
FLORIDA-GUN WILL EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan Marino passes out from gasoline consumption, which seems as good a place to fade as any.