BATTLE FOR HEGEMONY: BONE-LAND V - XHF & DB 01/14/24
Jan 12, 2024 3:12:04 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 5 more like this
Post by mosler on Jan 12, 2024 3:12:04 GMT -5
Tokyo, Japan.
Despite certain Japanese affiliates suggesting that the majestic arena had been burnt to a crisp, the Tokyo Dome has never looked better. Was it all a dream, or has it been painstakingly rebuilt over the past year? Aerial views show the memorable structure against the bustling cityscape as night falls, before cutting to drone shots of the interior. While many of the local fans were apparently put to the flame by J-RoK, enough of them survived that the Dome appears to be at full capacity. If you rebuild it, they will come. Like his Field of Dreams inspiration, are the 55,000 souls in attendance enough to wake the appetite of The Dread Lord? As the drones zoom past the attendees, John Coltrane's "My Favourite Things" plays over the PA system, and purple fireworks signal the start of the broadcast.
The camera cuts from the establishing shots of the venue to the announce position at ringside, where the voice of the Dinosaur Bones federation, "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes, has been joined for the broadcast by Joey Hawke. The sheer number of wrestling fans in attendance brings a tear to the old cowboy's eye.
Hawke: Happy New Years, XHF! Welcome fans to the first PREMIUM Global Event of the Year! Before you can have Supremacy, there must be a Battle For Hegemony! Traditionally used to select the top contenders for the X*Crown, this year it has been misappropriated by the Dinosaur Bones promotion to raise the necessary funds required to drain the La Brea Tar Pits and rescue the corpse of its founder, Dinosaur Bones.
Stokes: Darn tooting'! Though with these many apes gathered in one place, Bonsey may come to us with out an exaction, just to get his grub on!
Hawke: ...excuse me...
Stokes: Hooo doggie! What a crowd! XHF, we surely do appreciate the support!
Hawke: It's an impressive line-up...
Stokes: And how! Folks liked treaten' us like we were a phoney federation, that only existed to keep Bones from getting in trouble for chowin' down... but look at us now! Swallowing all the global titles like they were McNuggets! And with ARM815H1 MK.69 heading to Supremacy - it's only a matter of time for we round 'em all up!
Hawke: Let's not get ahead of ourselves Tumbleweed. To get to Supremacy, first The Glorious Reign of Supremia's King Edmund the Forth has to defend the tag championship against J-Rok's Off The Wagon, and Trekker has to defend the JHC against HKW's Simon Cruise.
Stokes: We surely appreciate the support.
Hawke: Also on the card, Florida Man defending his W:UK Commonwealth title against Oblivion Death Squad's Moloch, GUNS Phoenix title will be contested with Redmond Fury attempted to claim his strap from the Widow Wombat...
Stokes: And I was mighty sorry the XHF didn't think HKW Florida deserved an X slot, but we got the next best thing, as their top dog puts his collar on the line against that young whippersnapper Vile "Vince" Viper. Haven't seen young Vinnie since '78.
Hawke: ....I think this is that Viper's great, great, great, great, great grandson.
Stokes: ........Jesus.
Hawke: But kicking off festivities, we have a Battle Royale!
Hawke: Back at the End of Days 2023 Pay Per View-
Stokes: When poor Bonsey was once again confined to the tar pit-
Hawke: The same Junior heavyweight match saw Zoran Sainovic sink beneath the tar, and he is presumed dead, but there was one victim whose fate is known.
Stokes: Bonsey has a hard time telling us warm blooded critters apart, and feasted well on Al Jabroni. So I thought it was only fitting to pay tribute to his brave sacrifice. For the past two months, the DB brand has been hosting qualifiers across Europe and the Americas, to make sure only the best and the brightest would compete in this memorial...
Hawke: Let's throw it over to Bonnie Jenkins...
A picture of the late Al Jabroni appears on the tron. He appears genuinely peaceful in the image. It should be noted that heavy black bars cover up a veritable valley of genitalia that surround the cherubesque Jabroni, as it has clearly been taken on a pornset. Panning down from the orgy still frame, the camera finds Bonnie Jenkins standing in the centre of the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, our opening contest of the evening is a BATTLE ROYALE for the Al Jabroni Memorial Cup! The only way to eliminate an opponent is to throw them out over the top rope, and have both feet touch the ground until only one wrestler remains...
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first the GUNS Tag Team Champions... Noel Edmonds and MISTER BLOOOOOOOOOOBBBY, THOSE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS!
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the Tokyo Dome until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue.
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like Rick Steiner was smashed together with a blancmange.
As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Noel Edmonds: All you are is energy, remember that!
Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's handing out his hotel room number to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event! Edmonds looks behind to see his partner not focusing on the match and grabs an ear guard to pull him down the aisle to the ring. He points towards the ring and watches as Blobby looks to roll under the ropes but finds he is simply too large to fit. The Pink and Yellow Peril realises his mistake and stands up and shakes his head before leapfrogging the top rope.
Edmonds rolls under the bottom rope and rips off his trackies and Dad shirt to reveal a wrestling singlet that is patterned with boxes from Deal or No Deal. They head to centre of the ring to how Bonnie's close-up, and await the battle royale fodder to come.
Noel Edmonds: For Al's sake, we've got this in the bag! Besides the numbers are with us...
It is at this unfortunate moment that Noel notices Bonnie walking down the steel steps.
Noel Edmonds: Hang on, aren't you forgetting something?
Bonnie Jenkins (continuing to timekeeper's table): No.
Noel Edmonds: What about our opponents? The rest of the participants?
Bonnie Jenkins: You're it.
Noel Edmonds: NOW WAIT, what about all the people who want to pay tribute to Al's life?
DING! DING! DING!
As the bell rings, Blobby grabs Noel by the neck to throw him out- so Noel calls a timeout.
Noel Edmonds: Change of plans! Rather than work together against all the pathetic, unemployed, Next Level losers we thought were going to come out of the woodwork like it was HOBO Fights and someone had offered a turkey sandwich as a prize - it looks like it's down to us already.
Agreeing enthusiastically, Blobby again grabs Edmond by the neck to toss him.
Noel Edmonds: So you're going to have to eliminate yourself.
Mr.Blobby: Blobby?
Noel Edmonds (pointing to the floor): I'm not taking that bump. I'm libel to break something. Nothing for it. You have to throw yourself out.
Blobby starts to make a counter argument for why Al would have preferred for the Christmas crooner to win this memorial match, but wrestling isn't decided by fanciful speeches, and it doesn't take long before Noel evicersates any reasonable point. Crestfallen Blobby resigns himself to the sacrifice.
Hawke: So the Crinkly Bottom Boys are the only participants? I thought the Bones federation conducted hundreds of qualifiers...
Stokes: We did.
Hawke: But only these two advanced to the actual battle royale?
Stokes: We were very thorough.
Hawke: I'm just surprised more talent aren't trying to honour Jabroni's memory.
Stokes: ...Well... not to speak ill of the dead, but its not like Al didn't spend the last year of his career as Bonsey's thrall. Very Reinfeld like, tricking all manner of folks into becoming happy meals. I can see were Jabroni's legacy might be tarnished by that.
Hawke: Don't you do the same?
Stokes: I have Bonesy eating take-out, not taking people out. That is slander, Joey.
Hawke: I take it back. ....And speaking of taking it back, it looks like Blobby is having second thoughts about taking a dive.
Noel is already celebrating his win, when Blobby cheap shots the old man from behind - sending Noel over the top rope. No sooner does Edmonds hit the concert HARD, then Blobby acts like he was just climbing over the top rope and it was an honest mistake.
Edmonds: MY LEG!
Hawke: Noel looks hurt. That's why you don't see a lot of oxygenarians in battle royals.
Stokes: Couldn't pay me to be in a battle royal, dagnabbit.
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: Noel Edmonds has been eliminated, therefore the last participant in the battle royal, and winner of the Al Jabroni Memorial Cup,
MISSSSSSSSSTER BLOBBBBBBY!
Mr.Blobby raises his plastic cup with Jabroni's likeness, like he just won the Super Bowl. The Japanese audience are quite enthustiastic - not because they are overly familiar with the BBC origins of the Crinkley crew, but Blobby large misshapen form appeals to their mascot culture. As Edmonds howls of pain cut into the festivities, Mr.Blobby decides to run away.
Hawke: And there you have it, what might be our only clean finish of the show.
Stokes: You ain't lying.
Hawke: As Mr.Blobby possibly seriously injures his tag team championship partner, AND tries to avoid Noel's wrath... a friendly reminder that GUNS Season five will be launching shortly. Will the GUNS Tag Champions be on the same page in time to defend?
Stokes: They are cooking with fire!
MEANWHILE............ IN A COLD DARK PLACE.
With Treasure Map in hand, The Murder Hobo Express make their way onto a dilapidated pirate ship inside a narrow cavern. Yes, its the Pirate’s Dinner Adventure Theatre Buena Park - no doubt consumed by the hungry dracolich because they tried to explain fixed menu items. Whatever parasites retrofitted the dinner into a boat have long since perished, even as tar now fills up the cave's lower levels, causing the structure to rise. Now the nautical themed restaurant acts as a last bastion of floating space for our intrepid explorers. As the DB protagonists make their way into the captain's quarters, the resident scribe can't help but notice a skeleton wearing a patch.
Miles Drucker: One Eyed Willy!
Breaking from the group- Drucker approaches the corpse.
Miles Drucker: Hi Willy. I'm Miles Drucker. You've been expecting me, haven't you? We made it, I beat you. (looks under his patch, notes the skull's deformity, and takes a hit from an inhaler) You know we have a lot in common. You know something, Willy? You're ...first... Murder Hobo.
Noticing some lamp lights, Miles wipes his face, and turns to find AMG, Scratch, Venöm, Träcy, 'Al Cole Hall, Marmaduke Matters, Harsh Winter Pilgrim, Olympia, Wiley Sharpe and the Minotaur all watching him.
Miles Drucker: Hey guys, how's it going? It's Willy. One Eyed Willy. .......How long have you guys been standing there?
Scratch: Long enough, Miles. Long enough.
Gathering around Willies' table - covered in food from when this was the Dinner Adventure's buffet, the ravenous Murder Hobos marvel at how much of the perishables are still edible.
Miles Drucker: What are you all starring at? Come on, load up! Anything you can put in your mouths!
As the shock wears off, the Express start gorging themselves. Sadly, it's at this moment that the Fratellis show up - the Italian restauranteurs having been consumed when Bones was first testing the boundaries of "All You Can Eat."
Axel Rose Lookalike: Welcome to the Jungle!
Packing heat, the Fratellis get the drop on our hungry heroes. The one that looks like GNR's frontman snatching a shrimp away from AMG.
AMG: You gross old witch.
Axel Rose Lookalike: Oh, you want to play pirates - let's play pirates, you can walk the plank.
Exiting the Captain's Cabin, the lead Fratelli starts directing AMG towards a plank. The rest of the Hobos protest, but the guns in their faces keep them in check. Things look grim........
Kudor: HEY YOU GUYS!
Attention turns to the ship's sail, where a blue claw pokes through the fabric - like in Captain Blood. Only it is at the bottom of the sail instead of the top, then awkwardly starts to climb up, in reverse of the film its clearly a parody of. Backwards. When enough of the sail has been torn, Kudor's smiling face can be seen. Hanging off the alien's back is Lili - though it is unclear if Kudor's hated rival is riding him or trying to choke the monster out. When they get high enough, the panda falls - senton bombing one of the Fratellis. That's right! A wrestling move. If you take a shot every time you see a wrestling hold used on this show - you'll still be okay to drive home. The impact ultimately starts...
Bullets just appear to be a source of minerals for Kudor who excitedly thanks them for the lead in his traditional cartwheel manner. The blue alien's giant panda partner, who also looks like he could ignore a few gut shots, quickly disarms the challengers with massive pam strikes. In Cypher's case, literally. The numbers are still with the Italian stereotypes, who quickly pile on the bear. Why aren't the rest of the Hobos pitching in, you ask?
Scratch: Are you alright, AMG?
AMG: You fools should have let them drown me, when you had the chance! That treasure will be mine! ...Little did you suspect that my henchmen did not perish, but had simple been dehydrated...
Throwing open the cabin door, AMG turns the Pirate’s Dinner Adventure Theatre Buena Park's water cooler onto some vials of dust... rehydrating them back into existence.
AMG: You will fear the Supervillainess! (to waiters) Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys!
An Olive Garden Waiter tries to kick Crystal Skull Champion Träcy in the midsection, only the minute the blow connects, he disappears. Has the skull made her more invincible? Apparently it isn't special, as another waiter tries to shove Venöm's wheelchair off the plank, but the moment he makes contact, this waiter too disappears. The rest start to question this strange turn of events, giving our heroes the opening they need. A chop by the Hooded Scratch's one visible arm? Its recipient vanishes. Not really feeling the fight, 'Al Cole Hall offers his waiter a drink? You better believe that's a vanishing. Always keen to preserve human life, Harsh Winter Pilgrim tries to stop one of the pirates from touching him, before worthless wrestling reporter Miles Drucker slaps the waiter into disappearing. Like he did a good thing. Olympia knocks five of the waiters into an unseen state, but continues to speak like they're there. There is a period where the remaining fodder try to run away, but there are so many bodies on the deck, its impossible not to bump into a vanishing experience. Even the Minotaur tries to tear off one of the waiter's scrotums, because he knows its the only thing that his BFF Wiley Sharpe can eat. While most of the waiters are disappearing at the moment of contact, this one seems to be pained for some time before a ripping sound can be heard, and this Olive Garden Eunuch joins the rest of the waitstaff in a state of invisibility.
Winners: The Murder Hobo Express
Spoils: Pirate’s Dinner Adventure Theatre Buena Park, Makeshift Restaurant Galleon
Gained 12 EXP, 15 job points.
LEVEL UP!
Träcy became a LVL 5 World Campion, learned "That's Not Gonna Work For Me, Brother."
Venöm became a LVL 3 Trophy Husband, gained Bronze Palette Swap.
Miles Drucker became a LVL -99 Journalist, can still work on wrestle rags.
Hooded Scratch became a LVL 6 One Armed Boxer, Jimmy Wang U certification.
'Al Cole Hall became a LVL 4 Friendly Drunk, can express Love.
Olympia became a LVL 8 Ghost Whisperer, learned White Noise Nutcracker.
Marmaduke Matters became a LVL 2 Illusionist, learned "VANISH - Olive Gardens."
Wiley Sharp became a LVL 2 picky eater, can now consume Smoked Lamb Testicles.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim became a LVL 25 Pacifist, learned "All Men Are Brothers" Flying Sword Attack.
The Minotaur became a LVL 3 Dick Ripper, can use the title "Dick Ripper - Novice."
Wiley Sharp: Thanks for the thought, Min. But I really just need to wrap my head around peanut butter and jam sandwiches.
Minotaur (shrug): SNORT.
Marmaduke Matters: The waiters... they're gone! Popped like balloons! How'd it happen?
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Whoever de-hydrated those waiters could not have foreseen their accidental re-hydration with the toxic heavy water Pirate’s Dinner Adventure Theatre Buena Park uses to let the customers wash down their soup of the day!
Marmaduke Matters: Which naturally left them in a highly unstable condition! ...Leaving them in a more vulnerable state then even when they relied on Olive Garden for their wages. And I thought we had it bad.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: You saw it yourself, Brother Duke. The SLIGHTEST impact was sufficient to instantly reduce them to anti-matter!
Marmaduke Matters: Antimatter? You mean they won't be coming back, Grim?
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: No, Brother Duke. Not in this universe. ...Let that be an object lesson in the dangers of tampering with the laws of Mother Nature.
While the above is going on, the tag championship continues to rage. Music Man Mussolini swings One Eyed Wiley's corpse like club, but Kudor backflips to quickly for the blows to connect. Lili is just sitting on Cypher, while pulling strips of deck off the boat to chew on like bamboo. Axel is trying to use a particularly stale baguette to saw the giant panda's head off, but if Lili feels it chaffing fur, he is not letting on. Triple M gets winded chasing Kudor, only to have his throat slashed by a spinning alien backhand. Startled by the blood splatter, Axel starts to run away only for the alien to backflip in chase. Axel desperately looks for a weapon, but by the time he snatches One Eye Willy's corpse - Kudor flips into a high impact mule kick, which sends Axel flying head first into the waiting maw of LiLi.
Winners: Bad Chow Mein
Spoils: Pirate’s Dinner Adventure Theatre Buena Park Security Muskets x 3, Use Your Illusion 2, Rose Leftovers x 2
Gained 5 EXP, and 6 Skill Points.
LEVEL UP!
Lili became a LVL 3 Chunk, Learned Truffle Shuffle.
Kudor became a LVL 4 Sloth, gained "Bonding - Baby Ruth."
Miles Drucker: KUDOR! You spoke English!
Kudor: Nanublablunaaa!
LiLi: 我一直在教我的朋友你那可恶的舌头的方法。
Scratch: Apparently LiLi has been teaching him.
Kudor: Blahblahblahnanooooo.
Venöm: Given how much English LiLi knows - that would do it.
The Panda shoots Venöm a murderous look. Between the crippled dinosaur hunters' wheels, and his mates' hair accessory, LiLi has grown to despise the first couple of Bones. Still he has to bid his time... all their gold will belong to him.
Marmaduke Matters: Those two certainly are thick as thieves, considering they spent most of our digestion at each others throats, it almost feels like they've grown as giant panda and alien respectively.
Yes, the Panda will kill them all.
Kudor does a backflip, then sticks his tongue out. As is his way.
The Hooded Scratch leaves the rest of the group to find AMG looking distraught.
Scratch: Are you alright?
AMG: Do you have any idea how hard it is to get minions in the middle of a dracolich's belly? It's hard being a super villainess in a party of one. I really wanted that treasure.
The rest of the Express gather.
Scratch: Take it. You have had half a shrimp since getting here. You eat far less... consider Pirate’s Dinner Adventure, your share.
Marmaduke Matters: That's right. And in terms of having a gang, I've always thought of you as our leader.
AMG: You did?
Scratch: Sure. You mostly just use us as shields, and bark orders.
Träcy: I would be, but as a fighting champion, I'm too busy defending my title to lead.
Venöm: And I might look like the founder of the most successful wrestling affiliate in Network history, with leadership skills for days...................... but there is an umlaut - which makes me a Dinosaur Hunter.
The model looks around at the supportive faces.
AMG: You guys. You're the best minions a Super Villainess could ask for.
Crisis Averted.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: So if you want that food have it, Sister A. Besides, the real prize is the boat. This is our last ticket out of here, and I get the feeling we don't have time to be hungry. We are all going to get out of here alive.... no one is dying on my watch.
Lili belches up Axel Rose's skull.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: .........starting now!
A rousing cheer. With that these Goonies navigate their ship out of the Bat Cave.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE... INSIDE THE TOKYO DOME.
Hawke: Fans we have been joined at ringside by Wrestle:UK's Sir Arthur Torchwood, which can only mean that we are about to see some Commonwealth action!
Stokes: Pull up a seat your lordship.
Torchwood: Thank you for having me, gentlemen. When our owner, Mr.Blood, learned that the promotion hopping rapscallion known as Florida Man was bringing his "unique offence" to that mountain of muscle, Moloch - it seemed prudent for me to provide a context for the "action" on display as it relates to our brand.
Hawke: We appreciate it, Sir Arthur.
Stokes: That gator actually called out the big man? I don't reckon he's playing with a full deck.
Torchwood: Understatement of the year, William. Sadly, as the good people of W:UK have continually discovered, the Floridian is actually playing with multiple decks - he keeps at least seven aces up his sleeves.
Hawke: So where does the animosity between Florida Man and Moloch stem from?
Torchwood: One of the big 2023 W:UK stories was our invasion by the Epcot Mafia. Florida Man and Marty Donovan were victorious at our Revolution tag tournament, have won our tag titles on multiple occasions, currently holding them. Despite being the faces of the most competitive tag division on the XHF Network, during their reign, the Oblivion Death Squad succeeded in capturing the XHF Global Tag Championship. Treated as a secondary title holder, warming the crowd up for the ODS XHF defences, inspired a level of resentment in Florida Man for Network titles that truly made him a member of the W:UK family.
Stokes: Hooooo-dawgie - I reckon we got ourselves a bloodbath in the making! Consider yourselves warned, fans!
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, has a twenty minute time limit, and is for the W:UK Commonwealth Title!
Archenemy's In the Eye of the Storm pumps over the PA system.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first, the challenger, standing at 6'2", and weighing in at 290lbs, and coming to us from Parts Unknown by way of the former Soviet Bloc, he is one half of the Oblivion Death Squad - this is - MOOOOOOOOOOOOLOOOOOOOOOCH!!!
Moloch pushes through the backstage curtains, the soldier of the apocalypse, seconded by his partner, Mormo, and their manager Lady Sinclair Godfrey. The audience is decidedly icy, but don't quite lean over the guardrails to get in the ODS' faces - both because Japanese audiences are rather respectful, and also because the sheer size of the former tag champions are incredibly intimidating.
Stokes: Look at the size on this hoss. What they feeding 'em in Oblivion?
Hawke: The champion giving up almost a hundred pounds to the challenger. Only, Moloch is more of a tag specialist, so in spite of the genetic difference, it is safe to assume that Florida Man will have the edge in this singles encounter.
Torchwood: I wouldn't be so sure, Joseph. In the history of the commonwealth title, only two of its champions have ever successfully defended it.
Stokes: I reckon that there belt is cursed. Was it forged on an Indian burial ground?
Torchwood: Hardly William, it is merely a terribly competitive division. So the Floridian had an uphill battle, before picking a fight with a T-64.
The rest of the squad taking a supportive position outside the ring, Moloch heads to the far corner, awaiting his victim.
Bonnie Jenkins: And the champion... standing at 6'2", weighing in at 198lbs, he comes to us from the darkest recesses of the Floridian ID - please give a warm welcome to that Sunshine State Stud-
FLOOOOOOOOOOOOORIDAAAA MAAAAAAAAAAN!!!
"Interior Crocodile Alligator
I Drive A Chevrolet Movie Theatre"
Chip Da Ripper's freestyle on leather quality soon leads to Fatboy Slim's "Mad Flava" pumping over the PA system. The tron plays a clip from Red Dwarf of Rimmer flying on a crocodile, before cutting to the Fantasia gators having their way with the hippo ballerinas. Images of gators and crocs from popular culture are cut into a rapid fire montage, before even more cartoonish match highlights of a certain Floridian wrestler begin to bleed in - looking even less realistic. The back entrance curtains start to move... then rip off! The sound of breaking glass! 3:16 yo. Yes, Florida Man has torn off the curtain with his grotesquely gyrating pelvis. Dancing along with the music, The Man from Florida swings his tail, but mostly just thrusts his crotch to the sick beat. It's rather violent. The crowd delights at his buffoonish dry humping antics, even as the more prudish parents rightful cover their children's eyes from this borderline pornographic macho display. The applause is deafening. Florida Man might be the worst person in the XHF, but there is something about the gator that is infectious. ...Not just the pinkeye.
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: There's the bell - the two men circling, sizing each other up... and Florida Man calling for a test of strength.
Torchwood: Preposterous.
Hawke: Moloch doesn't look impressed but obliges.
Florida Man: *GOOFY WAIL*
No sooner do the two lock hands, then Florida Man is immediately overpowered, backpedaling until he can swing a foot into the ropes, forcing a rope break. Referee Jay Halston gives Moloch a 5 count to break the dreaded wristlock - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - with the large man taking it close to the limit before finally letting go. As Halton makes Moloch give FML some space, Flo rubs his wrist in pain - then peels himself off the ropes.
Florida Man: That all you got, tiny?
The crowd pop as Florida Man raises his arm again, calling for another test of strength.
Stokes: Something ain't right with that fella.
Torchwood: I have continually raised my concerns to W:UK that we might be held criminally responsible if something were to happen to the manchild.
Hawke: Moloch once again obliging.
Florida Man: *YELLS LIKE GOOFY*
Within seconds of them locking hands, FML again dives into the ropes for a break. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5... Halston gives Moloch a warning before the test of strength is again brought to an end. This time Florida Man is half leaning out the ropes, holding his arms up in the air to demonstrate how limp his wrists are. His hands just flop around like they are broken. Playing it up, the gator blows on them and has them circle around like a Catherine wheel. Looking back at the intimidating specimen that is Moloch, you can tell that Florida Man really doesn't want to... but he can't help himself.
Florida Man: ONE MORE TIME!
The crowd eat it up. Despite trying to raise a finger to illustrate the one in his test of strength challenge, his wrist means the finger flops down. Oh well, it's the thought that counts. Shaking some feeling in them, like the strung out tendons in his wrists will somehow Hulk Up, the obstinate Floridian again forces a test of strength, which Moloch easily overpowers. Rather than scramble to the ropes again, this time Florida Man leans forwards and bites Moloch's hand, drawing blood. Retracting his bloody fist, it is Moloch that breaks the test this time - even if strength has nothing to do with it. Referee Halston warns about the bite, but Florida Man is too busy celebrating his "winning" this test of strength.
Stokes: A win's a win.
Torchwood: I hope Moloch has all his rabies shots. Biting? Surely, that should draw a disqualification.
Hawke: Florida Man celebrating like he won a world title.
Stokes: He almost did at New Years Brawl, right?
Torchwood: That's not how I remember it.
When Florida Man stops showing off his "impressive" forearms, he walks right into an effortless bodyslam by Moloch. Hitting the canvas hard, Flo holds him back in pain while almost circling like Curly. Not appreciating this over-the-top selling, Moloch reaches down to give Florida Man something he will really feel - only to withdraw his hand when Florida Man tries to bite it again. Before referee Jay Halston can read FML the riot act, Moloch tries to break the gator's jaw with an authoritative thrust kick. Flo rolls through, only to eat another thrust kick, then another. A forth attempt is caught by the champion, who tries to turn it into dragonscrew leg whip - but Moloch is too damn heavy to throw. The ODS member starts to reach down for a choke slam attempt, only for Florida Man to pull him into an ACCIDENTAL inside cradle for 1 - 2 - kickout. Both men get up to their feet, with FML running into a power slam which gets 1 - 2 - before the gator gets a foot in the ropes. Moloch goes for a BIG elbow drop, but FML rolls out of the way. As both men are starting to rise, Flo pulls Moloch into a HARD kneelift, then follows it up with an ACCIDENTAL standing moonsault for 1. While leaving the cover, Florida Man "accidentally" kneels on Moloch's throat. Incensed the larger man shoves Florida Man off him with such authority that the gator is tossed through the ropes out to the floor.
Hawke: The force of that kickout sending Flo to the outside. What power on the part of Moloch, who follows Florida to the ringside area.
Torchwood: Big mistake, you can't win gold outside the ring.
Outside the ring, FML charges Moloch with a running hip attack - only to sprint right into an uranage onto the concert floor. THUD. If Florida Man was more of a cartoon, he'd have birds circling his head. Grabbing his unconscious prey by the throat, Moloch lifts the champion up, dragging him back to the ring - but as he attempts to throw FML back in, the gator gets his feet up on the apron. Shoving off, FML turns it into a pseudo-senton throwing both men back to the concrete floor. Realizing that they have no intention to return the action without a prompt, Jay Halston finally begins a ten count. 1! Standing on Moloch's crouch, Florida Man gets up. Moloch tries to knock him off, but Florida kicks the already bloody hand away. 2! Jumping on Moloch's stomach, then trying to turn it into a trampoline for the Leap of Faith - FML manages to get high enough to make it onto the apron. Halston tells him to get back in the ring. Never! Florida Man springs off the ropes with a Miami Dolphin Kick! ...which Moloch promptly catches in midair, avoiding the kick, and throwing Florida Man into the steel steps. 3! Fortunately, Flo's penis takes the brunch of the sharp step edge, and he's able to ministry of funny walk into a running closeline by Moloch. 4!
Hawke: Challenger once again in control, trying to get the wild man back into the ring. Nope! Florida Man holding his ground, and trying to brawl on the outside.
Torchwood: It makes zero sense to go toe to toe with a brute of Moloch's dimensions. The Floridian is just asking for brain damage. More so.
Stokes: Gotta agree with his lordship. Florida Man is a power hitter, we all saw what he could do in Fight Club, but going shot for shot with Moloch's tree trunk arms? Like Sir Arthur says, might as well try to derail a train with your pecker.
Torchwood: His words.
A massive forearm almost clubs Florida Man over the guardrail into the crowd. 5! FML responds with a shot of his own, but the big man covers up well. Another freight train forearm, and its only the guardrail keeping FML standing. Off balance, Florida Man throws a BRUTAL roundhouse right - which knocks out all the teeth of the audience member he hits while completely missing Moloch. Another forearm shots rocks FML down to his knees. Moloch tries to peel Florida Man off the guardrail, only for the gator to act like he's ticklish. When an incensed Moloch finally shoves Florida Man off, he tries to follow up - only to find himself stuck. 6!
Hawke: What's going on? Moloch looking at his bitten hand-
Florida Man reenters the ring. Moloch would join the champion but finds himself-
Torchwood: HANDCUFFS! Of all the impertinent- disqualify him ref!
Stokes: Did you see Florida Man cuff Moloch to the guardrail-
Torchwood: Who else is going to do it?
7! Florida Man counts along with the referee.
Lady Godfrey: He has clearly been handcuffed!
Referee Jay Halston: Can we get some bolt cutters out here? Without seeing who cuffed him, its hard to stop the count. 8!
Florida Man: 8! I think he probably did it to himself to get a breather. You know how gassed big guys get.
9! Halston looks to the back for some help, but eventually FML works the crowd up into a loud enough chant of 10, that there really is no choice. 10!
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match as a result of a countout, and STILL W:UK Commonwealth Champion - FLORIDA MAAAAAANG!!!
Torchwood: And with that, I am shocked to say that the Floridian joins an extremely elite group of men who have actually successfully defended the commonwealth.
"Mad Flava" starts to pump over the PA system almost as loud as Florida Man thrusts his crotch, but the gator beats his groove down.
Florida Man: Hang on? Count out? Count out? Is this a global event or isn't it? OH HELLS NO! The audience want a cliggity clean finish - unlike OTHER champions that skate by with non-finishes this here gator is all about the people-
Hawke: What is going on here?
Torchwood: The Floridian's recent world title bid ended in a time limit draw, this is his passive aggressive way to get back at Eron Hunter for not immediately giving him a rematch, without actually calling Hunter out... as they are both fan favourites.
Stokes: This lizard brain goes over my head.
Torchwood: For the record, New Years Brawl was completely out of Eron's hands- who would have been happy to continue. It is exactly this kind of situation that Mr.Blood wanted me to clarify here this evening.
Florida Man: If only we could find the key to those cuffs, I'd REALLY teach Moloch a lesson.
Producing the key behind Referee Haltson's back, Florida Man can hardly contain his toothy grin as he swallows it. The crowd delight at these cartoonish machinations of the obvious and sleazy monster. Less impressed is Moloch, who rips the guardrail he's attached too away from the rest-
Florida Man (triple take): Now hang on, even if you could get free, that railing is a weap-
Moloch is so angry he BREAKS the steel chain.
Florida Man (thinking fast): Take it easy, you Miami Beach types are interchangeable - I might as well go with your diminutive partner.
Referee Jay Halston: You can't defend without Mister Wormwood-
Florida Man: I'd need Frank's permission to restart a match. This is a new defence, with me saying the belt is on the line so if (points at Mormo) beats me - I lickity lose it.
Lady Godfrey stands with the livid Moloch on the outside, perhaps the only thing keeping Flo from being turned inside out.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is also for the W:UK Commonwealth championship, scheduled for one fall, with a twenty minute time limit - already in the ring, the champion, Florida Man... and his opponent standing at 6'4", and weighing 330 lbs-
Wait, as Mormo enters the ring, Florida Man remembers that objects get larger when they are closer to him. Did he accidentally pick a new fight with the larger ODS?
Bonnie Jenkins: MORMO!!!!!
DING! DING! DING!
Florida Man: Hang on, since Moloch freed himself, I should probably just-
A light push by Mormo sees Florida Man roll back multiple times before coming to an end in the corner. Using the ropes to launch himself upright, the deranged gator leaps out of the corner with a vicious closeline - which Mormo promptly no sells. Rubbing his arm in pain, Florida Man doesn't look pleased as Mormo encourages him to try it again. A degenerate gambler, Florida Man takes the be, doubling down with another closeline - that damn near breaks his arm. No sold. Not even a stagger.
Hawke: Mormo weighs almost twice as much as Florida Man, he can not get suckered into trading power shots.
Torchwood: If he wants a second defence, the Floridian is going to have to out think his opponent, and I don't see that handcuff trick working twice.
Mormo encourages Florida Man to strike again.
Florida Man: I'd love to - but my claws are tied.
Raising his hands, Florida Man has handcuffed himself. The crowd cheer. Moloch is steaming. Always happy to accommodate, Mormo fires down an overhand chop which snaps the chain binding the cuffs. If Florida Man's mask was more expensive, his eyes would bug out. Mormo slaps his chest, encouraging the reptilian luchador to hurt himself again with another display of meagre offence. Sheepishly, Florida Man darts back into the ropes, rebounds off, then gives Mormo a wide berth on his way back past to run into the opposite ropes, with enough momentum this might actually work. He rebounds again. And again. And again. Gets pretty close to Mormo, but then rebounds again.
Stokes: Is he trying to run out the clock?
Torchwood: If the Floridian is, he has nineteen more minutes.
As if hearing Sir Arthur on commentary, Florida Man utters an obscenity. He smokes way too often to do that much cardio. Running into the ropes one last time, Florida Man lines up a big closeline for Mormo to no sell and emasculate him with, only to put on the breaks - and hit a bell clap... in a way that the two steel cuffs catch Mormo in the eyes.
Hawke: Bell Clap! And if I'm not mistaken those severed steel bracelets may have brushed Mormo's eyes, as he does not look happy.
Blinded, Mormo lets loose a hellacious roundhouse right, but Florida Man drops under the blow, and channelling Johnny Cage brings the steel cuffs together for a double uppercut to the larger man's groin. As Mormo is doubled over, Florida Man pulls him into the BIGGEST PACKAGE - 1, 2...
Hawke: Kickout with authority! But Florida Man took the large man over, which has given him enough confidence to-
Torchwood: Walk right into a SPEAR!
Stokes: Mormo put enough on that to knock Flo out of his boots.
Hawke: The larger man stooping to lock on a Kata Ha Jime - no, Florida Man turning it into a stunner! The champ spinning around expecting a pin opportunity, only to eat a big boot!
Mormo stands on Florida's throat, choking him. FML tries to counter out of the choke with a spinning anklelock, but Mormo refuses to budge, instead bringing the heel down on the gator's chest for an arrogant pin. 1. As FML tries to fight up, Mormo pulls him into a double undertook piledriver for 1, 2, th-foot in the ropes. A power slam also gets close to 3. A repeater power bomb has Florida looking like patte, before Mormo holds on for the 1, 2, 3- fistful of rope. Mormo lifts Florida up for a standard textbook suppler, but then just lets him fall on his face. Wanting to finish this, Mormo starts to go for an Oblivion Slam, only for Flo to reverse out with a Miami Dolphin Kick. Tossing Mormo throat first across the middle ropes, Flo sits on him for a breather - while choking him. 1,2,3,4,5. FML gets up at the referees insistence, only to kick Mormo's leg out as the big man is rising, repeating the spot on the top rope. 1,2,3,4,5. A rocker dropper into the ropes, sets Mormo up to fall backwards, only Flo tries to get under him.
Hawke: That is a good way to get crushed.
Stokes: Reminds me of my cow tipping days.
Torchwood: How... quaint.
Hawke: FLORIDA MAN GOING FOR HIS NEVER STOP SPINNING AIRPLANE SPIN!
Stokes: I can't believe he got him up in the air!
Torchwood: Just barely.
Yes, Mormo is on FML's shoulders, but Florida Man is so doubled over that this is only three feet in the air. Bow legged, back looking like an accordion, more dwarf than man, Florida Man begins his never ending airplane spin. It is awkward trying to turn with that much weight, almost doing the splits, so it might be the world's slowest airplane spin. It seems less likely to make Mormo dizzy than to give Florida Man a hernia. Still, the audience is counting along with each spin, and Flo wants to make it look planned so he keeps it up.
Hawke: Well... he certainly is committed.
Stokes: Wait, what is that?
The crowd jeer. The camera pans down the aisle where UZUMAKI make their way down - Kira Izumi, Yuki Sakarabe, and the Hokkaido h8 club, Hiroto Hitsugaya & Kakashi Hagimoto. Really struggling to breathe, Florida Man uses the appearance of his J-RoK nemesis as an excuse to stop the airplane spin at 15 rotations.
Hawke: Uzumaki at ringside, and Florida Man hitting that Airplane spin in time to spit at them. Then returns to cover... 1.
Torchwood: He was lucky to get it.
Distracted by that rat bastard Kira, Florida Man tries to finish things quickly with a MINDBLOWER - only Mormo is too damn heavy, and it soon turns into a cross body block which covers Florida for 1 - 2 - big kickout. Grabbing Florida by the throat, Mormo hits a double chokeslam for 1, 2. A second double choke slam gets 1, 2, 2.5. A third double chokeslam gets 1, 2, 2.9.
Hawke: MORMO AGAIN GOING FOR THE OBLIVION SLAM!
Stokes: This is it-
Hawke: No, Florida Man has it scouted, turning it into the Ed Hardy Sophistication.... that's what the card says! Another steel bracelet bell clap - and takes the large man over with a DEATH ROLL!!! This could be it- 1! COME ON!
Before the referee can get any further in the three count, Kira Izumi shatters a baseball bat across the back of Florida Man's head. Sakarabe, Hitsugaya, and Hagimoto also enter the ring - going to town on the champion with steel chains, sledgehammers, and spiked gloves. The beating is fast and furious, with only a few shots required to turn the gator into hamburger - and they get way more than a few shots in.
DING! DING! DING!
Torchwood: This is outrageous. I'm not sure if the Floridian had Mormo down for the three count, it certainly seemed like they both had more in them. And while it wasn't technically pretty, it deserved a better ending than to have these J-RoK lowlives sully our great commonwealth division!
Stokes: I apologize your lordship, security should have been all over this-
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match as the result of a disqualification, and STILL W:UK Commonwealth champion, Florida Man!
Torchwood: With this win, Florida Man breaks Rob Riot's record, and becomes the second most successful Commonwealth champion in the titles history, and is second only to his current rival, Eron Hunter.
Stokes: When are those two fixing to mix it up again?
Hawkes: I'm sure Florida Man will be thrilled when he wakes up, but from the looks of him - that might be in a hospital.
Taking exception to their title shot being ruined, the ODS attack Uzumaki. Kira and Yuki continue to batter the bloody Florida Man, while The Hokkaido h8 club and ODS brawl to the outside of the ring. Soon a dozen security guards pull Kira and Yuki off of Florida, escorting them out of the ring. The aisle is complete chaos as a sea of security desperately try to keep the massive bruisers and the heavily armed Japanese contingent from having an all-out-war.
"D... Q..."
Gore drenched arm dropped across the middle rope to half prop him up, a barely conscious Florida Man spits up some blood before continuing.
Florida Man: ...........fans.... cleeeeeeean fin... ish..........
A broken finger shoots up in the air.
Florida Man: Mor... Mol........ ONE MO TI...ME!
The Japanese audience delight at this fool hardy fighting spirit, even if Florida Man looks like a corpse. Sadly there are a dozen security guards keeping either of the Oblivion Death Squad members from returning to the ring to finish this.
"You really don't know when to quit."
Slowly turning, Florida Man finds Lady Sinclair Godfrey standing behind him. The gator flashes a blood stained grin of approval. Really, the mask only has one look.
Florida Man (NEO Matrix hand gesture): Bring... it.
DING! DING! DING!
The second the bell rings, Florida Man throws himself off the ropes for one desperate attempt at retaining...
Staggering into a yakuza kick by Lady Godfrey that catches him right in the head. Her stiletto breaks off in his skull.
The two stand motionless for what feels like eternity, before the a massive spray of blood shoots out of Florida Man's forehead like the most over-the-top Samurai film. When the geyser of crimson finally stops, a few beats later, the champion collapses to the canvas. Breaking off her other heel to maintain balance, Godfrey's cover is academic. 1, 2, 3.
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: Wait, really? The winner of this match, and NEW W:UK Commonwealth champion, LADY SINCLAIR GODFREY!!!!!
Collecting her belt from the referee, Lady Sinclair starts to exit the ring to join the ODS... when a claw weakly grabs her ankle.
Florida Man: .....mediate... re... match....
Torchwood: He wants a forth fight?
Hawke: Clearly doesn't know the meaning of the word quit, amongst many others-
Shaking her head, Godfrey kicks Florida Man away - sending him crashing to the concrete.
Torchwood: And THAT was the member of Donzig-Gun that Florida Man had a relatively cordial acquaintanceship with.
Stokes: They saved Christmas.
Torchwood: Though it will be nothing one could describe as wrestling, when the Epcot Mafia and Oblivion Death Squad finally meet in a tag encounter, I imagine it will be an epic spectacle.
Hawke: For all the blood on the canvas, it seems like they've been left with more bad blood to spill. As paramedics check on the downed Florida Man, and security maintain control over our J-RoK visitors, thank you Sir Arthur for sitting in on not one, but three commonwealth title matches.
Torchwood: A pleasure, gentlemen.
MEANWHILE.... INSIDE THE BEAST.
The once vibrant sea of blood is now pitch black, completely overwhelmed by tar as far as the eye can see.
The Rocky Mountain High - a pirate themed restaurant turned mock Spanish galleon, so named by Wiley Sharpe while everyone else was busy trying to find a way out of the living hell that is tar pit lodged Dinosaur Bones' stomach - slowly makes its way across the "dark waters."
Scratch: You are a fantastic champion, Träcy. We can all see where El Rey gets his talent from... but we have reached a point where we need to find out how to use your crystal skull.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Yes, no one is saying that you weren't the best Crystal Skull champion-
Lili: 我是。
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: What Lili said, we are all very proud of the great job you're doing, its just that... even though we're floating, that stomach ceiling is getting closer by the day, and if we don't end this soon, we're all going to die.
The Murder Hobo Express are apparently having an intervention for Träcy. Evidently the championship belt - skull - has the power to return them to the outside world, only every person who has won the belt is more concerned with their prestige than actually escaping. It's like the one true ring. Träcy is certainly holding it like it's her precious.
Marmaduke Matters: Träcy, you are SUCH an awesome champion. I can only imagine that all of Venom's championship success is because of the sacrifices you've made, so now that its finally your time to shine, how difficult this all is. ...But you're still going to be champion when we get out of here. Also, if we don't use it, we will definitely be digested.
They all agree.
Träcy: I hear what you're all saying... really I do... but what if I'm not champion when we leave?
Kudor: Nanununununaah.
Träcy: I know what you're all saying is right, its just...
Venöm: Hon.
Träcy: ...Yes. A real champion puts their federation first. Of course we'll use the skull.
A massive sigh of relief. They really didn't want to murder her too.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Then we must make haste for the City of Bone before this vile ooze overtakes it...
Olympia: There he is!
From atop the mast, Olympia points to a smaller vessel - a sixareen. As the Rocky Mountain High gets closer to the other ship, the red robes of the Wizard of Bone can be spotted at the front. The vessel is rowed along by his Bone Priests, at a speed that suggests the sorcerer is in a hurry.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Ahoy there-
The Wizard doesn't even acknowledge them.
Miles Drucker: We just had a quick question about the skull-
Wizard of Bone: No time-
Scratch: We just need a moment-
Wizard of Bone: Don't you get it. (snarling up) HE WILL LAY DOWN TO A FUCKING DOG!
As if that is the only explanation needed, the sixareen continues across the black sludge.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Pursue, or we'll be stuck going all the way to his spire-
The Rocky Mountain High tries to cut the smaller vessel off, when a large shape emerges from the ooze.
Marmaduke Matters: Not again-
The galleon is almost capsized as the Mosasaurus merges from the tar - large teeth just coming short of swallowing the modest craft. The sixareen continues towards the City of Bone, leaving their pursuers to deal with the massive aquatic dinosaur that has decided the Rocky Mountain High is a viable snack.
A hard right sees the ship narrowly avoid another bite. Fortunately the tar waves that the Mosasaurus creates when rising, helps push the RMH further from the giant maw.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: How did we survive last time?
Marmaduke Matters: ARM815H1 MK.69 did all the actual fighting.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: That was most of our adventures. ...I really miss that guy.
Marmaduke Matters: And even then we were capsized and ended up drowned rats. We were just lucky Scratch fished us out.
Scratch (using telescope): Same boat now. Only you almost drowned on romulan ale, a lung full of black ooze is harder to walk off. (pointing) I SEE IT!
There is a crack in the far north wall, large enough for the Rocky Mountain, but small enough to be a deterrent to their boss fight. The boat again picks up speed, narrowly avoiding another bite. The large mass behind them looking more like Godzilla 1998 to their fishing wharf, as it races after them. It looks close, but the waves created by the Mosasaurus' bobbing is enough to send the ship through the small cavern, and leave the dinosaur hungry.
YOU ESCAPED!
0 EXP, 0 Skill Points.
Lost 243 Gold, and 4 Sanity Points.
Disappointed, the Mosasaurus turns its tar covered gaze to the smaller craft.
MEANWHILE... IN A STUDIO.
Between two hubcaps
The shot opens upon a graceful, if withered, face.
Grandma Mary: Welcome, XHF Fans, to our special spot… between two hubcaps. I am joined today by Mistress Discipline.
Camera zooms out two include the famed wrestler.
Mistress Discipline: Thank you for inviting me.
The older lady nods.
Grandma Mary: And thank you to BFH for allowing us to join the celebration.
Mistress Discipline: I was told the Feeder Fed is closing.
Grandma Mary: Celebration of life? It’s certainly been an interesting one! But these are interesting times we live in today. This month CAR will host the Athletic Cup, I believe your crew is joining.
Mistress Discipline: Yes, Death Trap has been focused on that. Which was surprising given I AM representing CAR for a shot at the X*Crown. I would have thought we would speak of that. It seems the Athletic Cup holds more attention then the X*Crown.
The older lady holds her hands out to the upset woman.
Grandma Mary: Oh, Dear! Your representation is very important to CAR. Winning the X*Crown would be huge.
She receives a glare from Mistress.
Mistress Discipline: Would it? Both you and HE seem to forget my X*Crown shot. I seem not to hold the same importance-
Grandma Mary: Of course you're important! You're just not as active…. As you used to be.
Mistress slowly turns her head away.
Mistress Discipline: I have... other interests. I thought Death Trap did too.
Grandma nods.
Grandma Mary: CAR? Yes, I wouldn’t call CAR a distraction but-
Mistress Discipline: Not just CAR. I have become a married woman, I have other needs.
The women share a look.
Grandma Mary: CAR is a family friendly show here-
Mistress Discipline: Not like that.
She shakes her head.
Grandma Mary: What other needs does a woman have?
Mistress Discipline: Attention. Being the focus of focus. I thought I was past being a coat rack. And this is NOT about my husband.
Grandma Mary: It isn’t?
Mistress Discipline: No. This is about My Respect. My Due. My Reputation as a wrestler. As an individual. As a person. Do I need to be always on screen to be thought of? Do you know who I am?
Grandma Mary: When you are a performer, a personality, you are not a complex person. That’s too hard to show. Your personality is watered down to one trait, or one role. A devoted wife, a dominatrix, or a librarian. But that doesn’t make you less. You can still be all three and more. Rather, the audience can only see less. CAR is more than just a drama llama. We have cool fireworks and last year shot crew members from cannons. But safely, we care for our crew's safety... We only have monthly shows, though. It can be hard to show our crews beyond the race.
Mistress Discipline: oh, Helhiem. I will show them I am more than cannon fodder. I will show them that I choose when I grace them with my presence and it is a present to behold me.
Grandma Mary: You go girl! And show them how amazing CAR is too!
The camera pans down from a tron that was displaying the CAR interview to the BFH announce booth.
Stokes: That fine young filly was Grandma Mary, discussing the upcoming Supremacy X*Crown match with her prospect, Mistress Discipline. Now Ol' Bonsey spent years in CAR, amongst the grease monkeys, and I know if he was with us here today, he'd want CAR to win the crown! ....unfortunately in Bones absence, a mechanical foxy man who I believe goes by Armbishi loves 269, picked up our contract, and I don't see how anyone can deal with his sheer eroticism.
Hawke: I haven't seen any tape on your Armbishi. But if he's anything like his CAR namesake, your participant and Mistress Discipline are going to pull out all the stops for the crown.
Stokes: Speaking of Supremacy, we have a veritable bonanza of interviews with the other participants... let's hear from them now-
MEANWHILE - ON THE WHITE WATER RAPIDS OF OILY DEATH, WHICH ARE PITCH BLACK AND THAT WHITE WATER THING WAS ONLY USED TO INVOKE IMAGES OF INENSE KAYAKE ADVENTURES...
The cavern that the Rocky Mountain High escaped into leads to a series of steeply inclined water - now tar - channels. As the walls get more claustrophobic, there is no chance of the Mosasaurus giving chase - but crashing through stalactites, the boat is barely holding together. Even as it picks up speeds that would be more suitable for a rollercoaster, tar covered fish monsters leap onto the deck. The majority of the Murder Hobo Express are in the cabin, hanging on for dear life. On the deck, however, Olympia - who may have been left up on the mast to act as a lookout, desperately fights back against the fish monster horde with her trusty broadsword.
Blinded by tar, one of the fishmen staggers over to Olympia asking for help, but Olympia speaks ghost not fishman - and promptly cuts its head off. Two more fishmen are struggling to breathe, they look like more sashimi to the sword swinging pseudo-sailor. Coughing up tar, yet another Fishmen stumbles over bumping into Olympia - who considers the slight a shouldertlackle and quickly decides to ignore the hit. Concerned that all these attacking monsters are trying to capsize the ship, Olympia does her best Red Sonja impression, not leaving a single damp limb attached. There is less danger from the downtrodden beasts than there is from the constantly shifting boat, which almost throws Olympia on three separate occasions. The slaughter is actually far bloodier than anything else that has transpired inside Dinosaur Bones, and feels a little tone deaf to the more light hearted adventures. A few of the fishmen apologize for causing distress and try to flee, but again, Olympia doesn't speak fish, so skewers them. Even as the Rocky Mountain High plummets over the side of a now black sludge based waterfall - causing her to get airborne, Olympia uses the opportunity to spin - eviscerating four creatures like out of a wuxia film.
Winner: Olympia
Spoils: 4.7 Tons of Sushi
Gained 15 EXP, 6 Skill Points.
LEVEL UP!
Olympia became a LVL 9 Sword Maiden, learned "Sunbreak's Edge" cutting technique.
UNLOCKED ENDING K.
Crashing into the abyss, the Rocky Mountain manages to avoid capsizing. Joining a larger underground river of black ooze, the vessel starts to drift back out into open waters. The threat of being thrown now gone, the rest of the Murder Hobos join Olympia on deck.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: That was incredible, Sister Olympia!
Marmaduke Matters: Yes, when you first joined our party, I thought you were just going after an easy title shot, but today really showed that you're a true Murder Hobo. And I'm glad you're part of the team.
Olympica (looking off in distance): I told you, MacDougal.
Acceptance.
....Though MacDougal is still getting a cold shoulder.
Before the group can get sick on raw fish, a flash of heartburn lightning illuminates a some ruins in the distance.... The Flooded City of Bone.
MEANWHILE... BACK AT THE TOKYO DOME.
Hawke: Up next fans we have more interpromotional action, as Hardkore World's Simon Cruise takes on Paramount+'s Star Trekker.
Stokes: That futuristic filly has been on quite the roll lately, and is the pride of Bones, while Cruise apparently has one of the best win loss records in HKW. Until recently he was their Westcoast champion, should be a rip roaring good time.
Hawke: Unlike a lot of Network talent - Cruise really is one of those exclusive contracts where if you want to see him, you have to tune into Hardkore World. Doesn't really do global events out of respect to the Valentine family - so signing this appearance could not have been easy. An inspired pairing, what made you think of it, Tumbleweed?
Stokes: A Roddenberry stalker and a pothead beach bro? Those varmints' SoCal hipster vibes are off the charts by themselves, so together? This is gonna be a barn burner of a hootenanny and it freaks me out!
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, has a thirty minute time limit, and is for the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship!
As the "Riptide" pumps over the PA system, the camera hard pans from the entranceway over to the audience where Simon Cruise has once again launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue shortboard. If any of the crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, they don't let on, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rational turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside. Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him pose with his board.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first the challenger - standing at 5'8", and weighing in at 205lbs, he comes to us from Venice, California via the Hardkore World... please give it up for SIIIIIIIIIIIIMOOOOOOON CRUUUUUUUUUISSSSSSE!!!!!!!!
A variation on the theme from Star Trek TNG - to muddle copyright claims - plays over the PA, as the audience again look to the ring entrance.
Bonnie Jenkins: And the champion... standing at 5'5", and weighing in at 114lbs - she comes to us from Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco - please give a very warm welcome to DINOSAUR BONES VERY OWN-
STAAAAAAAAAAR TREEEEEEEEKKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Again the audience is still staring at the ring entrance. Only when it cuts back to Bonnie and Simon waiting patiently in the ring, Trekker is standing next to them. She must have transported in. The champion's appearance gets the respectful cheers one would expect, but no more for being the local favourite - since most of the crowd are more XHF fans than DB specifically.
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: Feeling out process to start. Now the winner of this contest will go on to defend against GUNS Discovery Channel Alien at Supremacy.
Stokes: Exactly, that match was tailor made for our girl! An astronaut, an alien - that's too good for Simon Cruise to steal it from us. The shifty surfer.
Hawke: Well viewers, it is fair to say that my colleague tonight is less than impartial.
Stokes: Nothing against Cruise, I surely do appreciate him coming out, but this is all about raising awareness for Bones - and no one does that better than our girl! First Crystal Skull champion she tells me - whatever that means.
The two start chaining together a grappling sequence, more like amateur wrestlers trading wristlocks and jockeying for leverage. The technical flourishes play to Trekkers' strengths - apparently on the wrestling team at the Academy she went All Federation - yet despite her impressive skills, Cruise matches the chains - using his size advantage, while seeming genuinely driven to prove he can keep up. The human chess game ends with a series of inside cradles constantly reversing for a one, one, one and a half, one, two, one, two count. Cruise attempts to break up these cradles with a small package, but Trekker hooks the arm for a hammerlock. Muscling out of it, Cruise snaps off a standing side kick which sends Trekker into the corner. Cruise handsprings after her for the WIPEOUT '20, but Trekker sidesteps at the last second, leaving the fifteen-year-veteran to hit his back on the turnbuckle hard. As Cruise staggers out from the impact, Trekker delivers a boot to the gut, doubling him over, then tries to go for a suplex... she might as well be throwing around an Nausicaan, because he's damn heavy and puts the breaks on. Asking herself WWJTKD? Trekker hits Cruise in the throat with a Kirk chop! As Cruise gasps for breathe, the champion decides to get opportunistic and go for The Riker Maneuver - only its been scouted, and Simon ducks under, leaving the momentum to send Trekker falling through the ropes to the outside. Not her first away mission, Trekker is quickly back up to her feet - just in time for Cruise to leap through the ropes with a suicide dive.
Hawke: Cruise with that fluid motion, taking out Trekker and tossing the champion back into the ring before the referee can even offer a one count.
Stokes: A spill on the concrete floor is nothing for Trekker. One time she fell down a chasm on Galorndon Core, missed the transport window, and had to sleep on the ground until the electromagnetic storm passed, dagnabbit.
Hawke: Do you know what any of that means, Tumbleweed?
Stokes: She wrote it down for me to say.
Back in the ring, Cruise works over Trekkers' left arm with a series of armdrags, armbars, and kneedrops. Trekker grabs a fistful of hair to try to pull Cruise off, then realizes she's close enough to transition into a Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Living in Venice, Cruise has seen enough Vulcan acupuncture render his friends cripples to want no part of that emotionless hoodoo - instead hyperextending the left arm, and flipping forward for a sadistically bouncy pin attempt that has to have its origins in lucha. One, two, big kickout by Trekker. Cruise tries to continue the arm attack, but as he reaches down Trekker kicks him in the face. Getting back up to her feet, the Paramount+ mascot lands a Top Gun worthy dropkick to Simon's Goose. Confidence building like The Arena music was playing, Trekker goes to town with those Mengesque Kirk Chops, knocking Cruise about the ring like he was out on the sea caught in a hurricane. ...which is actually his happy place. As the tidal wave approaches, Simon can hardly contain his excitement and rocks the champion with a Kickflip. A Barrel Roll sets the champion up for the Cruise Control - but before the challenger can lock in his devastating La Tapatia variation, Trekker manages to apply a Vulcan Nerve Pinch that causes half his body to go slack.
Stokes: Nerve Pinch outta nowhere! That what makes our girl so dangerous!
Hawke: Given how relatively inexperienced most of the Streaming War mascots were, she has really grown by leaps and bounds since starting with GUNS.
Stokes: She's scrappy!
Hawke: And has started really maturing with this JHC reign for Bones, which was one of the feel good stories of 2023.
Stokes: Darn tooting!
Hawke: ...But with challengers like the DTF trainees, Trekker hasn't had an opponent with the pedigree of Cruise.
Stokes: Darn it, Joey, stop being such a Debbie Downer - STAR has got this.
Apparently pinching the wrong nerve to only simulate a stroke victim degree of motor loss, Trekker tries to get a better handle on it to completely knock Cruise out. As she attempts to reapply the the deadly submission hold, Cruise uses his working leg to shove off, reversing into a makeshift Wave Breaker. It gets one, two, before Trekker gets a shoulder up. Using the ropes to get back up, Cruise tries to walk off the damage from the nerve assault. Shaking his limp leg, Cruise uses it to kick at the downed Trekker's legs - dropping a few knees to them, as the surfer attempts to get his blood flow in order. The former Westcoast champion thinks about applying the Cruise Control again, but his leg is still bothering him so he stomps away at Trekker's right knee. Still favouring one arm, Cruise reaches down and applies a Texas Cloverleaf.
Hawke: Trekker's main advantage is speed, which Cruise is trying to cut down for size.
Stokes: The referee asking her if she quits! I hope he's speaking Klingon, because in English, STAR doesn't know the meaning of the word! Where do they find these clowns?
Hawke: How did you pull this show together?
Stokes: Wasn't easy.
Not able to apply as much pressure as he wants because of the arm damage, Simon lets go of the cloverleaf and applies a figure-four keeping the pressure on the champion's legs. Trekker leans back - one, two - gets her shoulders up... then again - one, two - again gets her shoulders up. Writhing around in agony, Trekker asks herself "What would Captain Clark Terrell do?" RESIST! Then blow your own brains out. Sadly, Trekker's phaser is in the far corner, so she has no choice but to take the pain. Oh wait, there are the ropes too. Going back to her All Planet collegiate wrestling days, Trekker grabs the ropes - forcing a break. Cruise lands two leg drops, before whipping Trekker HARD into the corner. Cruise charges in for RADOMIZER, but Trekker counters out with a PATAK Plunge for one, two, kickout! The duo then go to another series of pin reversals for two, one, two and a half, one, one, one, one, one, two, two and a half.
Hawke: Fans really appreciating all these quick chains.
Stokes: My heart can't take it!
Hawke: Though looking to take global gold home to the Hardkore World tonight, at the end of the month on HKW's Los Angeles show, Cruise the recently dethroned X*Crown champion in a number one contender match for Kilroy Evan's HKW heavyweight title.
Stokes: Him and Evans have a VERY BUSY MONTH. Whelp, if what we're seeing tonight is any indication, that is gonna be a right barn burner of a hootenanny.
Hawke: ....you took the words right out of my mouth.
Trekker again goes to the Vulcan bank, because it seems to be highly effective, only for Cruise to counter into a spinout jawbreaker. Cruise starts to go for a WIPEOUT '18, but Trekker turns it into a neck snapping EnsignLock (school boy) for one, two, two and a half. Cruise starts to turn it into another one of the freaky submission holds that he picked up while catching the waves in Puerto Escondido, Oaxaca but Trekker puts the breaks on. Simon goes for a few other stretches, but growing in confidence Trekker manages to block these attempts. Cruise shoots in for a WIPEOUT '22, but Trekker manages to counter with a classic Kirk-fu kneelift. That gets one. Really not having a choice but to expand her arsenal in big title fights, Trekker busts out a new move, hitting the Wesley Crusher '91 for one, two, th-foot in the ropes. Climbing to the second turnbuckle, Trekker leaps off with a Red Shirt Splash - but Cruise rolls out of the way, so Trekker lands on her feet. As Cruise gets up, Trekker charges in with another Riker Maneuver - only for Simon to matrix under, leaving the referee to get taken out.
Hawke: Referee Amy Applewood taken out by a methodically paced leg lariat.
Stokes: I once saw a man climb over a chair like that - it was the darnest thing I ever saw.
Hawke: Ref down - and a frustrated champion, goes to the corner and picks up her phaser!
Definitely a toy, the stun beams firing out of Trekker's futuristic gun are all in her head. Strongly believing that destroying the fantasy lives of schizophrenics isn't cool, and just generally being the most mellow dude on the Network, Cruise chooses to flip, cartwheel, and generally dodge these invisible shots. An HKW fan in the audience more familiar with Cruise's shtick, tosses him a hot pink boogie board.
Hawke: Cruise using a surfboard as a shield, "blocking" the phaser shots.
Stokes: He can't use that - its a foreign object!
Hawke: ...Your representative believes she has a gun.
Stokes: It's set on stun. STAR is an angel!
Working the ropes, Cruise leaps onto the middle ones to avoid a blast, then springboards to the next to avoid another. A final jump gets him to the top - where he's able to dive backwards, in midair Cruise climbs on top of his board, so that it looks like he's surfing when he drills the board into Trekker's head. Which is the first thing Amy Applewood sees when she comes too.
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: Simon starting to go for a cover, but the referee waving him off.
Simon Cruise: Whoa, why are you spazzing out, bro?
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match as a result of a disqualification, and STILL Junior Heavyweight Champion, PARAMOUNT+'S STAR TREKKER!!!!
Hawke: There you have it fans, referee Applewood ruling that the surfboard is an illegal object, and giving Trekker the DQ victory. An unfortunate finish to what was becoming a highly competitive defence.
Stokes: Another minute and Trekker would have phased him for the three count.
Hawke: Cruise arguing that he uses his board all the time in Hardkore World, who never have a problem with it-
Stokes: Apparently Dinosaur Bones is just more realistic than Hardkore World.
Hawke: Cheap shot, Tumbleweed. I for one think that Cruise did the HKW proud, and there was more than one time when he looked like he'd be the new champion.
Paramedics head to the ring to check on the champion, but when they lift Simon Cruise's surfboard - there is no one there.
Stokes: Where did STAR go?
MEANWHILE... IN A NEARBY AMBULANCE.
Still slipping in and out of consciousness from the beatdown delivered by the Oblivion Death Squad and Uzumaki respectively, Florida Man has a rude awakening when he rolls over in his gurney to find that a possibly concussed Star Trekker has transported next to him.
Florida Man: NOT AGAIN!
Flo's indignation is loud enough that Trekker comes too, is horrified to find FML laying next to her, and having some pretty grim flashbacks, pulls his sheet over her in modesty, before discovering that she is thankfully still clothed.
Florida Man: STOP TRYING TO MOLEST ME, YA DANG RAT!
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: STOP TRYING TO LAY YOUR EGGS IN ME, YOU GORN!
Florida Man: WHO YOU CALLING A GORN, YOU DOUBLE DANG GORN!
You could cut the sexual tension with a bat'leth, but Trekker would rather bury it in the gator's chest. Not having a bat'leth handy, she taps her communicator badge.
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: SCOTTIE, one to beam out, and I mean like yesterday!
Does the Trekker disappear into a stream of lights? Florida Man is tripping on PCP - so he'd say yes, regardless of whether the transporter works.
MEANWHILE... IN THE BONE SPIRE.
Stepping out from behind an ivory vestibule, Trekker finds herself on the top floor of City of Bones' City Hall. It is from this ivory tower that the Wizard of Bone guides the fate of Dinosaur Bones guts. It is also a good thing that the Paramount mascot arrived on this story, as the first forty floors are currently below tar. The peak looks like a cross between a sorcerer's lair, mad scientist's laboratory, and frustrated suburban Dad in the throws of a midlife crisis' man cave. A 100-inch flat screen television - crumbly powered by the gore mantis that are running on the wheel next to it - shows action from Hardkore World's Florida territory, while the red robed Wizard of Bone kicks back in a Lazy-E-boy and rages against it.
Wizard of Bone: CALL THAT A TOBOGGAN? WHO ARE THEY KIDDING?
The wizard spits at the screen.
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: Wow - you really hate this show.
Wizard of Bone (waving a claw at the screen): You have no idea-
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: In the 24th century, humanity has moved past such emotions-
The Wizard seems taken aback by the company, quickly putting his masked hood back on - only to soften when he notices who is in his presence.
Wizard of Bone: To what do I owe this honor-
Paramount+'s Star Trekker (tapping com badge): Coordinates must have been a little off.
Wizard of Bone (directing Trekker to a window): We have been having awful weather lately.
Walking over to the window, Trekker sees that the once sparkling City of Bone has been swallowed up by the sea of tar. Ten levels below them, a pirate restaurant galleon crashes into a large terrace that might have previously hosted official decrees to the masses below, but now looks more like a sledge covered wharf. No sooner does the ship make balcony ground - then a massive aquatic dinosaur, the Mosasaurus, feasts on it.
As the Rocky Mountain High disappears into the Mosasaurus' giant mouth - Trekker shudders, not seeing how anyone could survive the attack.
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: If not for the prime directive, I could have saved them.
Unless they plan on having new adventures inside another monster, this is how the Murder Hobos end.
MEANWHILE... IN THE TOKYO DOME.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, the following segment is brought to you by the ham lobby of America and pig farmers everywhere. Please welcome, from Pig, Kentucky. He weighs in at 495 pounds and stands at 6’2”. The Whole Damn Hog … Pork … DIRKMEYER!
“Fat” by Weird Al Yankovic hits the speakers. A huge man steps onto the stage wearing a singlet that is 2 sizes too small that says, "I'm gonna Pork you!" on the back and has an image of a ham sandwich on the front. He huffs and puffs for a minute to catch his breath as the song slowly builds to Weird Al in full fat suit and lyrics begin. Pork Dirkmeyer, the pride of Pig (that would be the deadly sin of pride), moves at a leisurely stroll out of the entranceway eating a 3 foot sub stuffed with pulled pork, bacon, ham, capicola, prosciutto, and fatback. With Mayo. He scarfs it down and is assisted up the ring steps where he stumbles through the ropes and lands on his back. He is rolled by the ref to the middle of the ring then struggles to stand.
Hawke: There is no way that is healthy …
Stokes: I don’t think that was ever the question. What is he here to say though?
Pork rises to his feet and brushes off his copious gut. He finishes his sandwich and holds up the microphone.
Pork Dirkmeyer: Good- *BEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLCHH!!!!!!*
Pork brings his fist to his mouth to cover it as his emission rocks the arena through the speakers.
Pork Dirkmeyer: Sorry, ‘scuse me. Ladies and gentlemen. I am here as a representative of both Hardkore World … and the fine folks that bring ham and bacon to your table. Collectively they are all saddened by the loss of one of their largest consumers … in both meanings of the word.
The Xtremetron flashes a montage of all the time DB ate all the pork … just all of it.
Pork Dirkmeyer: So in memory of the dearly departed dracolich, I am here to-
? ? ? ? ? ? ?: COR BLIMEY SOMEBODY SHUT THIS GALAH UP!
The opening thumping guitar and drum riff of "Unstoppable" by Disturbed hits the arena as an imitation sandstorm is created in the entranceway. After 10 seconds of storm, Aiden Merric emerges from the billowing sands chewing nicotine gum and wearing a smug ass smile on his face. He spits the gum and puts a patch on his arm before stretching and walking to the ring with a purpose. He nods along with the theme song as he jabbers with the crowd and keeps moving. He stalks around the ring to the far side and nods at the commentators before he rolls into the ring. He stands up and lets the crowd soak in the appearance from the Tapout Openweight Champion. He snatches the microphone with little trouble from the rotund man in front of him.
Aiden Merric: Really? This is supposed to be a WRESTLING event. NOMAD and I were all scheduled to be here for a bit of rizzing before the big event Supremacy … and we were told our time was cut because somebody paid for our slot. Now I can take that up with Cross about why his champion is being sidelined by the Valentines and the oinker fandom … or I can let him pursue his distraction, course of revenge, back in your home fed … and come here anyway. Ain’t sure if ya realize, I ain’t the best at following rules.
Pork Dirkmeyer: … You have my mic … how am I supposed to respond?
Aiden just stares at him … blinking vacantly.
Aiden Merric: Ya really that much of a dipstick? Not the full quid, eh? Alright let me put this in terms you understand. You are the little cold cuts that get put out before the main dish. Me? I’m the whole damn dinner.
Pork Dirkmeyer: No it’s the whole damn hog. And that’s me! Can I have my mic back? I’m being paid to promote this memorial from the pig purveyors to this redead dracolich…
Aiden laughs
Aiden Merric: Ah yes of course, where ARE my manners? What kind of bloke just interrupts and steals the talking stick. I DO apologize, my good bloke. Here, have your mic back.
Aiden launches at the immobile mountain of a man in front of him and clobbers him in the head with the microphone. He then sends a flurry of haymakers to the face of the portly pork in front of him. He backs him to the ropes then launches him across the ring with an Irish whip. Pork can’t stop his own momentum and hits the opposing ropes and is bounced back right into the Contract Fulfilled Clothesline from hell. Pork bounces off the mat and rolls onto his stomach. Aiden hauls him back to his feet and dusts him off. The Dirkmeyer Weiner just stands there under the force of inertia. Aiden laughs and picks up the microphone.
Aiden Merric: Sheilas and Blokes, let me clue you in to a little … addition to the card of Supremacy. See NOMAD and I were talking, and we were going to have a nice chat with all of ya. And talk about the kind of men we are. But the TLDR is that we … like … fighting. The thrill of a beatdown pull apart bar brawl. And so we have managed to … convince … the TAPOUT folks in charge, that they didn’t need Cross’s ok on this one since he is clearly emotionally compromised right now after losing his two titles. Our match … will have an added wrinkle, befitting the two fighters in the marquee.
Aiden reaches into his dungarees and pulls out some knuckle dusters, then into one of his pouches on his bandolier, and pulls out a small cowbell. And finally he reaches into a third pouch and retrieves a rope. He puts on the brass knucks and then puts the bell on the rope… and caves in Pork’s porky skull with the bell before tying the rope around his neck and pulling it tight. Dirkmeyer howls in pain, before going silent as the air is strangled out of him. Aiden finally uses the rope to pull the Pig Power Pugilist into a punch to the center of the skull. Blood sprays everywhere as Dirkmeyer drops to the mat.
Aiden Merric: YEEHAW! NOMAD VERSUS MAIN EVENT MERRIC, FOR THE TAPOUT OPENWEIGHT TITLE … MY TITLE … IN A TEXAS DEATH MATCH! Now can we get a cleanup on aisle 3? This side of fatback is gonna rot out here alone.
Aiden laughs and tosses the mic and knucks, leaving Pork “hog”tied as “Unstoppable” by Disturbed hits and the Tapout Openweight Champ rolls out of the ring and is escorted out of the arena by security as the medics tend to Dirkmeyer … they are going to need the elephant gurney …
Hawke: There you have it fans, despite the Fed Warfare moniker promising interpromotional action, the TOW specific offering promises to be something special.
Stokes: You said it Joey, and with both participants being from Tap Out, it's the one match that Bones can't win. Good thinking on Recoba's part, and more power to Merric.
Hawke: You certainly sound confident.
Stokes: I'm humble as pie. Just saying', it is a real testament to Bonsey's popularity that despite him sinking into oblivion, the federation that bears his names now controls two thirds of the Network straps! ...And come Supremacy, just wait for this A.R. 'Bishy Bot to make it three for three!
Hawke: Pride comes before the fall.
Stokes: What is that supposed to mean?
Hawke: DB still has to get to Supremacy with its current titles intact, and the team of Bud Lightbeer and Mu-
Stokes: That's not their name.
Hawke: ........The Glorious Reign of Supremia King Edmund IV Euphoria Experience...
Stokes: It's a real mouthful, ain't it?
Hawke: ...Have got their work cut out for them facing former champions tonight in J-RoK's Off the Wagon.
Stokes: OtW's Quake coming off a real nasty encounter with Brendan Harding at their anniversary show .....hope it don't effect his performance tonight......
Hawke: Don't you worry about the challengers, they don't know the meaning of the word quit. Unless we're talking about AA.
The camera cuts to ringside where a forth set of paramedics help remove Dirkmeyer - before panning up to Jenkins in the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, has a one hour time limit - and is for the XHF Tag Team Championship!
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first, the challengers, representing J-RoK and sponsored by the good people at Super Saki - drink responsibly - please welcome Kris "Triple Quake" Quake and "The Corn Snake" Randy Angel - SUPER SAKI PRESENTS OFF THE WAGON!!!!!!
As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd but whatever, this match is gonna start soon!
Hawke: Usually on commentary, its rare for Randy Angel to challenge for titles at global events...
Stokes: Glad I could be of service.
Hawke: Even though this is a Bones show, the Japanese crowd far more familiar with the challengers as staples of the Network's affiliate J-RoK and showing their support.
Stokes: Outrageous! I bet if we held this show in Supremia, the champs would be getting the proper BONES respect.
Hawke: Why didn't Supremia host this event?
Stokes: Shoot Joey, Geography ain't my strong suit.
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponent - the undisputed sovereign of Supremia, whose presence causes the peasants to weep tears of joy, a river of happiness that the unwashed masses then throw themselves into like it was an active volcano that the crops depended on, so as not to get his immaculate feet wet with their pleasure- King Edmund IV The Greatest! ........accompanied by his indentured servants Mutt and Bud Lightbeer....... he is the XHF Tag Champions!
Stepping through the back curtains, Mutt unrolls a red carpet all the way up the aisle... then runs back to the entranceway, where he throws fistfuls of rose petals at the ground. The Supremia manservant would like to pocket a few of the petals to eat later, but he knows that his liege has people who count them. What a great job that would be. As “Preliator” by Globus plays over the loud speakers, King Edmund IV steps out to a heroes welcome - he's sure, the acoustics in this quaint venue just aren't worthy of his blue blood hearing. Coming out last, Bud Lightbeer has found a way around the audience not appreciating underground Indy wrestling.... a beer canon. Strapped around his neck, Bud fires cans of light beer into the audience. Due to the language barrier, the Japanese fans don't know it's light beer, and cheer like they were getting good beer. Naturally Edmund believes the cheers are for him, and waves to the proletarians.
Hawke: Unbelievable.
Stokes: I don't cotton to highfalutin royal blood lines, I'm a simple cowpoke of the west... but that King Edmund IV is the greatest.
Hawke: Well, all that Network support towards The End was going to have some serious consequences. Truly we are living in the most Supremia timeline.
Stokes: Finally a monarch that speaks to me.
As the competitors are deciding who will start, Randy wants Edmund. Idiot. The Monarch turns his back on the rabble, letting his serfs deal with it.
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: Randy Angel and Mutt starting it off, trading shots. ...By which I mean punches.
Stokes: The alcoholics might be known for their Hobo Fight brawling antics in that Japanese death match federation, but they haven't seen one dimensional desperation like Mutt who gives as good as he gets!
Hawke: Blood flowing, and they are really going at it. Wait- on the apron, Kris Quake discovers half a whopper.
Stokes: It's funny how Burger King grub just magically appears whenever you're three sheets to the wind, David Hasselhoff style.
Hawke: Quake offering Mutt the partially chewed burger to take a dive.
Stokes: The indignity! What kind of low down varmint do they take Mutt for?
Mutt pulls Randy on top of him! ONE! TWO! King Edmund IV expresses his displeasure with Mutt, who promptly lets go of the pin.
Hawke: That was close.
Stokes: I'm a little disappointed in Mutt, but you know what? Hunger can drive folks to extremes, it's kind of the BONES business model. So in a lot of ways, Mutt really is the poster boy of the promotion.
Hawke: Be that as it may, Bud Lightbeer tagging himself in-
King Edmund IV makes Mutt self-flagellate and reflect on his selfishness, while the monarch contemplates next year's food allotments. In the ring, Randy tags in Quake. Noticing all the Super Sake merchandise, Bud softens - offering a handshake and explaining they are in the same booze mascot game. Off the Wagon seems skeptical until Bud brings a case of beer into the ring - offering them samples. The referee tells Randy to go back to his corner, but the prospect of free alcohol is too sweet a siren song. Both members of Off the Wagon knocks back some brewskis - and then not getting their buzz on, knock back some more... soon the shoe case is finished. That Bud Lightbeer sure is a swell fella. Randy and Kris warm up to the self-proclaimed Indy legend so much, that they almost give him some Super Sake........ only they are saving it for later.
Stokes: Edmund should keep a closer eye on his subjects, Bud sure seems chummy with the enemy.
Hawke: Mutual respect being shown on account of their common interest-
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy suddenly throws up blood. Grabbing his stomach, he starts spasming on the canvas. Poison? Worse - in between violent belches of gore, Randy picks up one of the empty Budlight cans. Unless his double vision deceives him... 4.2 percent alcohol? They might as well be drinking water! Raising a blood soaked hand, Randy tries to warn Quake not to consume any more of the vile substance. Quake sees what bad shape Randy is in, and hears his dire warnings... but he also has a can of alcohol in his hand. He's not NOT going to drink it. Downing another, Quake too starts projectile vomiting blood - a stream steady enough to cover the first four rows of the audience. Bud Lightbeer tries to assure the closest camera, and anyone that will listen, that Budd isn't rat poison, and that Off the Wagon are having an extreme reaction due to being horrible people. His argument has merit, but the Japanese audience don't look convinced.
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Trying to put them out of their misery before they start bleeding out of both ends, Bud Lightbeer begins to kick them in the heads. Still whipping himself, Mutt joins his partner in attempting to euthanize their pained opponents.
Stokes: I'm honestly glad we had a beverage related mishap, the show was missing the consumable based contests that Bonsey loved.
Hawke: The challengers appear to have evacuated all the offending substances from their bodies, and are now taking exception to being kicked, firing back with lefts and rights.
Stokes: It's a real donnybrook! Fists flying, guys trying not to stagger into pools of sick.
As the referee tries to get a handle on the action, King Edmund IV grows concerned that his underlings aren't representing his brand to the best of his abilities and calls Mutt over - leaving Lightbeer to get double teamed. The King hands Mutt a can of mystery meat, and tells him to make Lightbeer eat it. This is more food than Mutt has seen in the past six years, and liable more than he'll see in the next six - but he daren't disappoint his ruler again. As the referee escorts Randy back to the corner, while Quake follows pleading their case, Mutt stalks to a downed Lightbeer and shoves the food into his mouth. Like An American Werewolf in London, Bud Lightbeer transforms into Basic Goat the Mongo Destroyer! The transformation is quite traumatic.
Basic Goat the Mongo Destroyer: BAAAAAAAH!
What a secret weapon. ...Only the goat doesn't seem happy with its existence. It's very hard to get a hoof in his throat, but the Goat somehow manages to induce vomiting to hack up the mystery meat. No sooner does the questionable substance leave his system, than BASIC turns back into Bud Lightbeer. While this painful process goes down, it would be a good time for the challengers to capitalize, but they suddenly get a SHINING.
Randy: Quake... do you feel that?
Kris: One of our fans needs us!
Nodding in unison, the duo bails out of the ring.
Referee Anso Silvesti: Where are you going - the match is still going on!
Randy: No one loves the world tag titles more than us.......
Kris: ....but our fans come first!
Like a pair of super heroes, the dynamic drinking duo leave the ring, searching for the Off the Wagon fan that is in trouble.
Hawke: ....Did that Light beer rob them of what few senses remained?
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match as a result of a count out, and still tag team champions, the team of King Edmund IV ...featuring Mutt and Bud Lightbeer!
Stokes: Was there ever any doubt? DINOSAUR BONES, we're not just tasty!
Hawke: Champions beating the more seasoned team by count out. I question what Off the Wagon would prioritize over the belts, but I'm sure its vitally important. In the mean time, Edmund's team will continue on to Supremacy to defend against Dana "The Drone" Daniels and Ulysses Cole... and if what we've seen is any indication-
Stokes: May God have mercy on those trainees souls.
Hawke: ....Something like that.
King Edmund IV: Now for allowing you to bask in my glory, return my property peasant.
As per their arrangement to tag, Bud Lightbeer reaches into one of his empty cartons and produces the Supremia Stone. He starts to hand it to Edmund, but the carton costume is rather awkward and he drops it. Mutt dives for the falling jewel... only to come just short. It lands hard, bounces, doesn't shatter, then rolls to the King's feet. Scrambling, Mutt retrieves it, dusting it off before presenting it to his liege.
Bud Lightbeer: What is the deal with that stone, anyway?
King Edmund IV: Well you see...
MEANWHILE.... ONE YEAR EARLIER.
Supremia's Civil Defence R&D department. It is mostly pitchforks and slingshots, but one area looks incredibly futuristic. They must be pilling the annual food budget into a freelance developer.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: The Size-O-Ray has been completed.
The mad scientist presents a shrinking gun to King Edmund IV.
King Edmund IV: Who needs nuclear weapons, when I can fit the world in the palm of my hand.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I am glad it pleases you, now there is just the minor detail of my fee.
King Edmund IV: Know your place peasant! This will cut you down to size!
Turning the Size-O-Ray on Doofenshmirtz, the King fires at the doctor - only to miss... hitting the ground instead. Suddenly the ground starts shaking, making it even harder for Edmund to get a clean shot - but he tries anyway.
SMASH CUT. The duo flee as the country of Supremia shrinks down to a diamond the size of a fist. Having destroyed his homeland, King Edmund IV sits on a raft in the middle of the English Channel, made out of the Supremia secret police. On an opposite raft made out of hamsters, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz collects the country stone.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Your highness, the Angry Mad Chemists need new wheels. I trust you won't object to honouring our contract in exchange for-
King Edmund IV (firing the size-O-ray again, and causing a hamster to explode): My government doesn't negotiate with terrorists Or creditors!
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Very well, I will just get the necessary funds by selling this stone on eBay.
King Edmund IV (raising a hand): WAIT... don't use the buy it now feature... it's so lower class.
MEANWHILE... BACK IN THE PRESENT.
Bud Lightbeer: So you put in a low bid, and someone else bought your country.
King Edmund IV: What is this The Hague? I'm not on trial here! The important thing is after all this time, Supremia is mine once more-
Bud Lightbeer: So that's a country.... I hope I didn't hurt anyone when I dropped it.
King Edmund IV (shrug): Less mouths to feed. Now Mutt, the size ray - this time we'll make Supremia bigger than Asia.
Mutt sheepishly shrugs.
King Edmund IV: You abject failure. What do you mean you don't have it? MORON. Where did you last see it?
No.
King Edmund IV: Not another expedition into that foul beast!
As the Supremians contemplate a second expedition into the now tar logged Dinosaur Bones, Bud Lightbeer remembers the purpose of his tag title run, and walks up to the nearest camera.
Bud Lightbeer: Folks, if I can be serious for a moment, I'd like to draw your attention to a pressing humanitarian issue - the crisis in the La Brea Tar Pit-
MEANWHILE... ON THE FORTIETH FLOOR TERRACE OF THE BONE SPIRE.
The tar continues to rise - with wooden scraps of the Rocky Mountain High washing up onto the terrace, suggesting that it is only a question of an hour before the fiftieth floor peak is also submerged in the foul black ooze.
A large form in the sea of black bubbles up, the Mosasaurus circling the spire, just waiting for the liquid to rise so it can consume the last of BONES' citizens.
Reaching his one working arm into the ooze, the hooded figure known as Scratch pulls Miles Drucker out of the ooze, dragging him to the rest of the Murder Hobo Express. Leaving the reporter next to an exhausted Marmaduke, Scratch limps back to the edge... fishing out Venöm, then his wheelchair.
Miles Drucker (coughing up ooze): What... happened...
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: He... he saved us... got us all out... again.
Scratch (exhausted but pushing Venöm in the chair to the rest of the crew with his one good arm): We... we still can make it out... all... of us... we have too.
All of the hobos safe, Scratch finally succumbs, falling to his side.
Lili (trying to wipe sludge from his fur): 这是你第五次拯救我们了——你是怎么来到这里的?
Kudor: Naunaunauuan.
Scratch: Me? ...I suppose it was around ze time of ze Rumble.
The emaciated, one-armed Serbian draws back his hood.
Scratch: ...My wife wanted me to retire, focus on life outside ze ring... but I had one last tag title shot with Dylan. Ze Super Frenemies. ...feels like a lifetime ago. We had put so much time into zat partnership, zat I felt like I needed to see it zrough... give it my best shot, if it didn't work out? Zat would be my last match. With no interest in ze Rumble, I decided to help Copycat instead. ...A week before ze event, I heard a knock at my front door... I assumed it was Copycat, looking to train... so I didn't check my security cam.... ze door opened... only I was greeted by ze smell of chloroform, a rag shoved into my face. I fought back, but still rehabbing injuries (points to broken arm) from my last X*Crown championship, it was a one sided affair, and I soon lost consciousness. ....When I woke up, I was (waving working hand in the air) here.
The Final Boss turns his pained expression to greet the contemptuous stares of the Murder Hobos.
Zoran Sainovic: ...You say zis is Bones? Zen someone knocked me out and fed me to ze monster. My family doesn't know... and if ze culprit is who I zink it is... zey are in danger, and I must protect zem. ...In my current state, zat is a problem, but together... we can do zis. Please help me.
Venöm: PLEASE. You people aren't buying this horse shit? He's lying. All he ever does is lie! His only reason for living seems to be swerving people! You want us to sympathize Zoran, nice try, but even if Bones ate us, there is only one monster here.
Träcy (trying to calm her husband): He saved your life.
Venöm: As a long con!
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Right before I was eaten, I remember him turning over a new leaf.
Venöm: Well it was rotten!
Miles Drucker: I believe him. My reporter's instincts. Besides we'd all be dead right now without Zoran.
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Ending Z.
"Hear that, we're all okay, you're gonna make it..."
The group looks further down the terrace to find Wiley Sharp on his knees, cradling the Minotaur.
Wiley Sharpe: So just hang in there, Min.
The Minotaur has been bitten in half. Still conscious, because he's a Minotaur, the beast reaches down to the lower half of his body, trying to hand his friend some delicious bull testicles.
Wiley Sharpe: No, we're gonna patch you up... you are gonna need those for all the lady Minotaurs... Min... MIN...?
Having placed the testicles in Wiley's hand, the Minotaur stops moving. Barely able to fight back the tears, Wiley Sharp stares up at the heavens - or stomach ceiling.
Wiley Sharpe (blubbering): As God is my witness... I swear... I promise you, Min... I'LL NEVER EAT ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS AGAIN!
A somber tone washes over the beaten Murder Hobos. Then the black ooze starts to splash in closer, tar level rising again. The Mosasaurus circling the spire again, moving in for another land attack.
Zoran Sainovic: ...If you'll have me... I zink it's time we met ze (looking at the top of the tower) final boss.
The Murder Hobo Express turn to the terrace doors, just as they're opened by...
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: YOU.
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: Good to see you-
The established pacifist sucker punches Trekker right in her self-righteous Federation nose.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: A lot of good people would still be with us if you'd just used the skull when you had the chance!
Paramount+'s Star Trekker (holding nose): I can see you don't appreciate the greater good that the Prime Directive provides us, so I'll just come back when your in a communicative mood. (slapping chest) SCOTTIE, one to beam-
Wait, where did Trekker's com badge go?
Paramount+'s Star Trekker (looking around on the ground): Where did I put that-
The closest thing the XHF has to a saint once again sucker punches Trekker.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: DON'T IGNORE ME.
Star Trekker retreats into the spire, chased by a raging pilgrim who has run out of cheeks to turn. With the Mosasaurus fast approaching, the rest of the Murder Hobo Express follow them into the temporary safety of the citadel. All but one...
Marmaduke Matters: Hurry Wiley!
Wiley Sharpe (laying the minotaur down): You go on ahead... me and that fish have some unfinished business.
Marmaduke Matters: BUT-
No, Double M nods. Having made a vow, clearly Sharpe doesn't want to live in a world where he can't constantly feast on Rocky Mountain Oysters. Marmaduke closes the terrace door to slow the rising flood, watching as Wiley charges towards the oncoming sea monster. Inside, Harsh Winter Pilgrim ad Trekker continue to throw objects at one another, while the rest of the Hobos have their hands tied with hostile Bone Priests.
MEANWHILE... BACK AT THE TOKYO DOME.
Stokes: What is THAT doing here?
UrsusLa the man-eating GUNS bear sits in the centre of the ring - which has been cleaned of blood, vomit, and budlight. Mostly. The bear is sharpening its claws on a pole.
Hawke: You don't like the bear?
Stokes: I've heard she has people roaming around inside of her. Clearly stealing Bones bit! Who needs that cheap knockoff?
Hawke: Didn't you book a Phoenix title match?
Stokes: Yeah, Fury is good people, but that there bear? GUNS can keep her.
Hawke: The last time we saw UrsusLa was at End of Days when she ate Mrs. Wombat - the widow of the late Wombat, who was consumed by Bones while looking for her.
Stokes: Yeah, Wombat's wife said that Bones eating people was make believe. What a loon. Guess she pushed her "animals don't eat people" theory a little too far.
Hawke: ...And the phoenix title was eaten by the bear at the same time.
Stokes: ...oh.
Hawke: So if you want Fury to defend the title... and against her... the bear was going to show up.
Stokes: ..........don't mean I have to like it.
Referee Frankie Fudd consults wth Bonnie Jenkins on the outside. Do they start the match, or call animal control to escort the beast out?
Hawke: And we've been joined by Magnus.
Magnus: Great to be here, my thanks to Dinosaur Bones for hosting this Phoenix match - where I have no doubt that Mrs. Wombat will return from the dead, defeated my muscular ex-husband, win the championship, and go on to defend it on the first show of our FIFTH SEASON - coming soon.
Stokes: I hear mighty fine things about the new season, that must be taking a heap of work, I'm surprised you could join us.
Magnus: Tumbleweed, you have a bear in the ring - I didn't have a choice. Now where is everyone?
Stokes: That's what I'd like to know.
In the ring, UrsusLa starts to dry heave - then suddenly a leg emerges from her mouth.
Magnus: I'd know that boot.
Soon followed by another. Before Magnus can thank God that Fury has been digested, and UrsusLa is just regurgitating his corpse like a cat - the "Buckeye Bruiser" emerges unscathed.
Magnus: Damn it.
Redmond Fury (one arm still in UrsusLa's mouth): It took over two months... but I successfully brought her home.
With a yank, Fury pulls Mrs. Wombat out of the bear's mouth. She still has the Phoenix title strapped around her waist.
Mrs. Wombat: I... I don't know what to say, Redmond.
Redmond Fury: Say, that despite what has gone on with your husband, that you'll use this second lease on life to go home... your children miss you.
Mrs. Wombat: ...Red... (furrows brow) And let that worthless husband of mine live it up on the road again?
Without warning, Mrs. Wombat cracks Fury across the temple with the Phoenix knocking him down.
As soon as Fury hits the canvas, Mrs. Wombat makes the pin. 1. 2. 3 - kickout.
UrsusLa: RAWR!
The large grizzly bear voices her displeasure, and continues to sit in the middle of the ring.
Magnus: You've got this, Wombat!
Mrs. Wombat hits Fury over the head with the title again. The referee should probably disqualify the widow, but she scares him. Plus with a bear in the ring, it is hard to argue which rulebook to follow. Another title shot is followed by another pin. 1. 2. 3-shoulder up.
Hawke: Fury didn't see the initial attack coming, he's very trusting, and the lady Wombat not letting up.
Magnus: Good for her - just the kind of fighting spirit you can expect from season-
Catching the next belt shot, Fury whips Mrs. Wombat up in the air like laundry before bringing her back down to the canvas. It is forceful, dominating, but clearly done in a manner to avoid causing harm. Using his superior strength, Fury forces the pin. 1. 2. 3.
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: I came all the way to Japan for this?
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match, and STILL XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION, THAT BUCKEYE BRUISER - REDMONDDDDDDDD FUUUUURY!!!!!
Hawke: Well on his way to beating his previous record as longest title holder-
Magnus: Insufferable.
Stokes: Who will Fury be defending against on the season premier?
Magnus: I don't want to talk about it!
"HONEY!"
La Authentico Wombat staggers out of the back, wearing rags from his past six months inside Dinosaur Bones.
Mrs. Wombat: Lenny? YOU SON OF A BITCH!
La Authentico Wombat (staggering down aisle): I am SO glad to see you- you don't know how...
Redmond Fury positions himself out of the way to allow dialogue, but near the ropes to stop any potential domestic abuse. UrsusLa is still annoyed. As L.A. Wombat makes his way down, Mrs. Wombat holds the Phoenix title, reading it as a weapon.
Mrs. Wombat: You disappear for a year and its all "I was inside a bear," then you work for GUNS every holiday, because God forbid Magnus lets his workers spend time with their families. I finally take a vacation for ME, and do you pick up the slack? No! You go on a trip with your buddies to Dinosaur Bones.
La Authentico Wombat: I was trying to save you, hon!
Mrs. Wombat: Yeah, right you louse- everyone knows Bones is just a guy in a suit.
La Authentico Wombat: It's just like the bear, I swear. Honey, you got to believe me. I searched everywhere for you... and when I found you weren't there, I moved mountains to get back her... ran through alien briars... swam through lava... crawled through singing spikes... flew on man-eating bees... but no matter what Bones through at me, it was torture... cause you ween't there.
The malevolent shrew softens.
Mrs. Wombat: Oh Lenny...
La Authentico Wombat: Now let's go on another adventure.
Mrs. Wombat: What about the kids?
La Authentico Wombat: Magnus can watch them another week.
Magnus: Now hold on-
The estranged couple start running towards this long awaited reunion.
Magnus: We have a new season, Valentine's Day is coming up!
Unfortunately the agitated grizzly thinks that Mrs. Wombat is trying to attack Redmond Fury, and once again eats her and the Phoenix title.
La Authentico Wombat (watching his wife be eaten by a bear): AAAAAH!
Everyone Else: AAAAAH!
Wombat looks a little upset.
Redmond Fury: Don't worry pal... I've got this. (getting ready to dive back into UrsusLa's mouth) Happens all the time...
Rather than be reassured by the muscular man's promises to rescue his wife, Wombat starts to shake.
Redmond Fury: Uh oh.
Magnus: This isn't good.
Stokes: It's the circle of life.
Magnus: That's not what I mean-
Redmond Fury: STAY WITH ME PAL-
The Buckeye Bruiser tries to calm down his friend, but it's too late. The kind XHF legend that wouldn't harm a fly, La Authentico Wombat, is once again turned into the conduit of the demonic entity known as...
Magnus: IT'S VENOM!
Demonic Venom: YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!
Magnus: See! It's like he's here with us.
Hawke: Wait, I thought it turned out that Venom was still alive, and the evil spirit was just a ruse?
Magnus: That was BEFORE Venom was eaten by SOMEONE'S PET DINOSAUR-
Stokes: Blame the victim-
Magnus: Bones ate Venöm, my business partner is clearly dead which is part of why GUNS Season 5 is abroad, his soul is clearly in hell, and just popped in to take over Wombat's body again.
Demonic Venom: I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!
The horrific ghoul now looks more like Venom than Wombat, and floats up into the ring.
The best wrestlers that GUNS has to offer are no match the damned enhancement talent who tears them to ribbons with his kandorian demon claws.
Magnus: I've dreamed of this day... but not like this.
Hawke: I would think you'd relish seeing your EX manhandled like this.
Magnus: If Fury can't stop him, who can? HE'LL BE AFTER US NEXT-
Hawke: Can no one stop Venom?
Suddenly there is a mass of cheers.
The crowd lose their shit.
Hawke: He wouldn't-
Magnus: NO!
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
You say I need psychotherapy
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arm outstretched, the hand just slightly crackling with electricity.
If you want a battle, I'll give you a war
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dylan Black stands on the entranceway.
Hawke: It can't be.
Stokes: I don't believe it-
Hawke: I thought he was done- well this explains why J-RoK didn't immediately put him in the Hall of Fame!
Stokes: And from the crowd's reaction, no one in the Tokyo Dome believed for a second that he was responsible for last year- just listen to them.
The cheers are deafening.
Magnus: I never thought I'd be glad to see him, but if ANYONE can handle Venom, it's his eternal rival!
Hawke: Dylan Black, THE HERO WE NEED, heading down to confront the Demonic Venom-
As Black reaches ringside, Venom leaps over the top rope with claws extended-
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST.
On the forty-fifth floor of Bone Spire, the Murder Hobos come across a lavish feasts - the Wizard's dining room. Most are too busy trying to get revenge on Trekker, or battling for their lives against koolaid drinking Bone Priests, but 'Al Cole Hall can't help but lick his lips at the sight of some super sake.
Al has been pretty dry since the whole ocean of tar situation started... and that super sake would really hit the spot.
Pulling up a chair, Al helps himself to cool glass of premium sake. Then grabs a fistful of chicken. The Wizard was clearly hoarding all the good food-
'Al Cole Hall: Urk.
Clutching his throat, 'Al starts to choke on the chicken. So dry. He tries to wash it down with more sake, but the bird is so lodged it just splashes out. Hall tries to flag down Harsh Winter Pilgrim for help, but the considerate pacifist is too busy swinging a morning star at Trekker. Suddenly two figures approach from behind.
Randy Angel and Kris Quake play Rock Paper Scissors to see who will help.
Randy Angel: Best two out of three?
As 'Al Cole Hall is turning green, Quake refuses Randy's request for a rematch and performs the Heimlich maneuver - forcing Hall to spit up the chicken. While the federation has mostly been about consumption, this adventure apparently focuses on expulsion.
'Al Cole Hall (panting): Huff. huf.... wow... OFF THE WAGON, you saved me!
Kris Quake: We're always there for our fans.
Randy Angel: Remember to always chew thirty two times.
'Al Cole Hall: I understand.
Randy Angel: Knowing is half the battle.
GO OTW!
Kris Quake: Well if you're alright, we'll be on our way. Super Sake won't promote itself.
'Al Cole Hall: Thanks again!
Off the Wagon exit. Braining a Bone Priest, Marmaduke Matters checks on 'Al Cole Hall.
Marmaduke Matters: You alright, 'Al? There will be time to drink later.
'Al Cole Hall: Duke! You missed it, OTW were here!
Marmaduke Matters: Really-
'Al Cole Hall: Yeah, they stopped me from choking. What great guys.
Marmaduke Matter: ....hang on, you're serious? How did they get here - and how are they getting out?
"Al Cole Hall: ...I forgot to ask.
Wrapping his hands around the Off the Wagon super fan's throat, Double M starts to throttle the recovering alcoholic.
MEANWHILE.... AT THE TOKYO DOME.
The audience are SPENT.
Hawke: That was the greatest thing I have ever seen.
Stokes: I will never wash these eyes again.
Hawke: I may have to retire from broadcasting. Wrestling is broken for me. How can I commentate in a world where I KNOW I will never watch anything as bloody, intense, technically masterful, passionate, fluid, PURE or flat out as good... as Black Venom again?
Stokes: I'll take over your global commentating, Joey, I'm used to living with regret.
Hawke: Thanks Tumbleweed.
Stokes: And I can die happy having witnessed that breathtaking spectacle.
Hawke: Fans, be sure to tell your friends and families to order the repeat of tonight's broadcast, which was all solid, but JUST for the glory that is Black Venom.
Stokes: Don't get their hopes up. That will be edited out of the broadcast... never to be seen again.
Hawke: But why?
Stokes: It was too good, the wrestling equivalent of an oldy time religious experience... not meant for mortal eyes.
Hawke: Too true.
As it dawns on the excited answers that its all downhill from here - life - they take a moment to collect themselves.
Hawke: Well fans thanks for joining-
Stokes: Hang on Joey, we still have the main event.
Hawke: What could possibly follow the holy grail we just witnessed?
Stokes: The only thing that could possibly follow it... a snake wrestling a dog.
Joey does a spit take.
Hawke: Why would you close with that?
Stokes: Two reasons. Wrestling doggies are special attractions, like bears, dwarves, or women. It's got that sideshow hooha that all them kids like on their ticktocks. Let's folks know its an event.
Hawke: If you say so...
Stokes: And besides. You ever hear of Triple V working the undercard? I put Vile anywhere but the main event, and he'd skin me alive. Seriously. I'd be a coat. ...A nice duster I imagine, with double breasted inline pockets for your nicknacks and whatnots. Quality craftsmanship, none of that Philippine sweat shop single's stitch work. Yeah, 32theV is a heck of a guy.
Hawke: Um, the person working in Hardkore Florida, isn't the Vincent Viper you know.
Stokes: Sure he is, professional wrestling equivalent of Beelzebub... a little more Satanic than Venom... short guy, talks with a lisp?
Hawke: Definitely not the same.
Stokes: ...Yeah, no one else would dare use his name. Marty Donovan must really have it in for that doggie. Should be one heck of a contest.
Hawke: Well fans its the heavyweight title from Hardkore World's Florida territory, don't let the fact that they weren't given a Supremacy X slot fool you - I'm assured that it is a real federation.
Stokes: Network brass were probably just worried the doggie would run circles around his tail, instead of Curtis D. Kanyon. There is a certain Psychotic Goth professional polish... but I have a feeling this match will make them regret their elitist decision.
Hawke: Oh, I'm sure this match will make us all regret a number of things, Tumbleweed.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is scheduled for one fall, is for the HKW Florida championship, and has a two hour time limit because THERE MUST BE A WINNER!
Hawke: That is a shame. Time limit draw is about the only non-finish we haven't seen tonight... oh no... is this going two hours?
Stokes: Don't worry, Joey. It'd only take Vile two hours to go through the pooch if he had to wait in line at the veterinarian to have the animal put to sleep... and Vile ain't that kind.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first, the champion, standing at 2'2", and weighing in at 88lbs - he comes to us from Naples, Florida - please give a warm XHF welcome to Florida Man's faithful dog, ACCCCCCCCCCCE!!!!!!!!!
Up on the entrance ramp, a member of the ring crew places a hoola hoop upright on a stand. After a few seconds of playing with a lighter, the crew member sets the hoop on fire! Within moments of the blaze, a dark shadow bounds out of the back curtains and leaps through the flaming ring! It's a derelict whose five sheets to the wind! It's a surprisingly hairy child with developmental problems! NO! It's Florida Man's trusty canine, ACE! As George Clinton's "Atomic Dog" pumps over the PA system, the German Sheppard races down the aisle like it had been trained to bite the nuts off intruders to the ring.
Hawke: The champion coming out first?
Stokes: It's a doggie, Joey. I think its mighty impressive he came out at all. I don't even want to know how much steak the crew rubbed on the ring.
Hawke: I know the XHF has a lot of bears, but I just want to say for the record, I am very uncomfortable with the implied animal violence that ACE represents.
Stokes: Exactly. Special attraction! Remind me not to tell you about the working conditions on Milo and Otis, these Japanese fans are very open minded.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent...
Bonnie Jenkins: The man, the myth, the legend... Vile "Vince" Viperrrrrrr- Fourteen!
The audience start crowding around the guardrails in anticipation of the next performer. Fond or not, the hall of famer is one of their earliest memories of wrestling. How long has he been doing this? Many of them were shocked the old man hadn't retired, or died, let alone was appearing in such a small outfit as HKW:F'd... so actually seeing him perform is quite the novelty. A sea of ancient merch clearly acquired on ebay to be autographed this evening - from giant foam gloves, to those plushies that were choking hazards - lines the aisle. So the crowd looks visible confused when the Teddybears' "Cobrastyle" starts blasting out of the PA system. Ray Bryant pulls back the curtains, for a teenager in a scaley onesie to worm out on the ground.
Skip Mercer: Ssss... imma snake!
Yes this cheap knockoff... is a teenager in a scaley onesie. Confusion soon leads to hatred, as the crowd notices the 14 in graphics package- feeling suckered by this obvious imposter. Oblivious to the negative reaction, the 14th person to use the Vile Vince Viper gimmick, hops around trying to work the crowd. They throw shit at him. Making matters worse, this Viperteer thinks the boos are because he's breaking character, and decides to act more like a snake... crawling even slower.
Stokes: Wait, did Vile somehow find the fountain of youth, and revert back to his more juvenile fourteen-year-old self? Why has he been holding out on me? To be fourteen again!
Hawke: No, it's clearly a ripoff.
Stokes: ...but that's suicidal.
Finally arriving at ringside, Skip's manager sits at the timekeeper's table, while Mercer shakes hands with ACE, and pets him for knowing how to shake.
Stokes: Someone stop this nonsense!
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: There's the bell.
Ace licks VVV's face.
Skip Mercer: Hahahahahaha- he's tickling me!
Raymond Bryant: Keep your game face on, Skip!
Stokes: No good can come of this...
Hawke: You think?
A glass of water on the announcer's desk starts to vibrate. Faint at first, but then harder as something big draws near...
Hawke: Viper throwing a stick, playing catch with Ace.
Stokes: Jesus H. Christ!
Suddenly a fifteen foot tyrannosaurus rex robot that looks suspiciously like Grimlock - the Dinobot, not Steve Awesome - burst through entranceway.
Stokes: YES! I knew if I held this show he'd return. Welcome Back BONSEY!
Hawke: Have your eyes checked, Stokes, it's a robot!
MECHA Dinosaur Bones: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - sound of a fax machine - AAAAAA!!!
Giant mechanical eyes stare daggers at the ring. Steam shoots out of its nose. The ground vibrates with each massive step, as the robot dinosaur starts to lumber down the aisle.
Stokes: He doesn't look happy.
Hawke: Someone use dog food to lure Ace out of here, otherwise-
The robot attacks the ring.
Skip Mercer tries to leap out of the ring, but the large robot gives chase.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BONE SPIRE.
From the windows, the Mosasaurus continues to circle. The tar is rising - only two floors below them, but the Murder Hobo Express has finally arrived at the top of the spire.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim (holding a flying guillotine with Trekker's name on it): SHOW YOURSELF, YOU FIEND!
Trekker knocks over a suit of armour, which falls on Harsh Winter Pilgrim pinning him to the floor.
Winner and STILL Junior Heavyweight Champion: Paramount+'s Star Trekker
Gained 20 EXP, 7 Skill Points, but Lost 5 Sanity Points.
LEVEL UP!
Became a LVL 2 Professional Wrestler! Learned "The Basics" (Wristlock, Waistlock, Small Package, Armdrag, Dropkick)
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: Calm down - we have more pressing matters. Without my com badge, I can't leave either!
The Murder Hobo Express lift the armour off of Pilgrim, who still looks ready to rightfully murder Trekker - but calmer heads prevail when they realize they've reached the top. Looking around, the crew find the Wizard with his back to them, watching XHF's Battle For Hegemony 5 on a giant monitor. A metal version of Dinosaur Bones is chasing a dog and a teenager.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Uh.. yeah... Brother Wizard?
The rest of the crew walk with him towards the monitor.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: We are sorry to interrupt your programs.... but we really could use a hand.
Wizard of Bone: ...
Television: "He almost stepped on him, run doggie!"
The pilgrim looks back at the rest of the crew, who urge him onward.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: You said that the skull could take us home? We have searched it for answers, brother - but have been found wanting. We were hoping you could show us the way-
Wizard of Bone: ...
Put off by the silent treatment of a man more interested in a stupid dog match than their safety, Pilgrim places a hand on the wizard's shoulder... only to have the ruler of Bone fall to the ground. THUD.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: What devilry is this?
The red cloak was propped up by a broom.
Marmaduke Matters: Where did that coward go?
Zoran Sainovic (watching the Mosasaurus circle closer): ...we're boned.
MEANWHILE... IN THE TOKYO DOME.
Skip crawls around the ring like a snake - slowly.
Mecha Dinosaur Bones stomps after the snake, slowly - its massive steps almost keeping up with the teenager's pace.
Ace heroically barks at the robot.
Florida Man (spot on Buffalo Bill impression): DON'T YOU HURT MY DOG!
Heavily bandaged and disoriented from the earlier beatdown, Florida Man has used every painkiller he could find in the ambulance to come to Florida Dog's aid.
No sooner does Florida Man arrive at ringside than the drugs really kick in, and he passes out.
With problems of his own, Fake Viper crawls past the Overdosed Floridian.
Not finding nipping metal heels effective, and concerned for his unconscious master, ACE runs forward - biting Florida Man's ankle and dragging him to safety. Slowly.
It actually seems like a race between Ace dragging Florida Man like Lassie, and Skip committing to character, to see which will get crushed under metal T-Rex foot first.
MEANWHILE, WATCHING THE ABOVE ON A REALLY NICE PLASMA SCREEN AT THE TOP OF THE BONE SPIRE...
The Murder Hobo Express search the Wizard's lair for clues.
Zoran Sainovic: It looks like ze Wizard... (holding up a blueprint to point at the Mecha DB) built zat zing.
Lili: 有了所有这些资源,我们本来可以被送回家。
Kudor: Naaaaaaaaaaaaanu.
Lili: 这就是我所说的。
Kudor: Blaaaaaaaaaaargh.
AMG: With these resources...... he could have sent everyone home a year ago.
The Giant Panda and Alien shake their heads, like they'd already just stated that fact.
Marmaduke Matters: Look it's being controlled by a remote- the wizard has to be around here somewhere.
Zoran Sainovic: All zis to trample a canine to death? Zere ARE easier ways...
Venöm: He must REALLY dislike dogs.
Miles Drucker: He must have been Marty Donovan. No one else hates Ace enough.
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: It doesn't matter - focus on anything that can help us unlock the... skull.
The group's focus turns to Träcy who seems to be trying to abandon them by escaping through a window to preserve her championship reign.
AMG: OH NO YOU DON'T-
Venöm: I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation-
Träcy (dropping the raft she'd planned to escape on): I was just checking for secret passages...
Venöm: There you see-
AMG: Minions attack!
Clearly retaining the championship has driven her mad - Träcy kicks Venöm's wheelchair forwards as a distraction. Even as he's rolling into Olympia, Venöm assures Träcy that no one wants to steal her skull, they just need to examine it. Previous clusterfucks have usually seen the lethal alien and giant panda negate their overpowering presence by going at one another's throats, but now on the same page as Bad Chow Mien the Clavicle Duos champions - they are a force to be reckoned with. While most of the Murder Hobo Express are only concerned for Träcy's mental health, and just want to use the skull so everyone can leave - the tag champions have been hungry for singles glory for too long and are actively looking at this as an opportunity to win the skull. The only thing dulling their effectiveness are the orders barked out by AMG - neither in conveyed in Mandarin nor Mork. Zoran Sainovic would have his hands full with them, even if he had two working hands - which he doesn't. Trekker ducks a ratty couch thrown by Lili, and sifts through discarded pizza boxes looking for her com badge... or a phaser. Marmaduke Matters tries to restrain Träcy, only for her to kick an obscenely tall stack of skin mags onto him. Miles Drucker tries to get in herby, only to get body slammed onto a foosball table. The table doesn't break. Olympia shoves the foosball bars, repeatedly jabbing the sore Drucker in the ribs. While all this pandemonium transpires, a familiar face appears in the Battle For Hegemony feed. Helping Venöm back into his wheelchair, Harsh Winter Pilgrim looks up at the screen and can't help but smile.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: ...way to go, 69.
The Mosasaurus bursts through the wall, destroying the monitor.
MEANWHILE... IN THE TOKYO DOME.
Everyone's favourite furry robot makes its way out on stage.
Stokes: What the devil is that?
Hawke: I think it's your Supremacy Rep.
Stokes: Really? He looks fierce. Good for us. RUN BISHY, THIS FALSE IDOL WILL DEVOUR US ALL!
Not taking the grizzled cowboy's advice to heart, ARM815H1 MK.69 locks its eyes on the horrible beast that apparently devoured his friends. This has been a long time coming.
Truxton's Alexandrian Ricochet Sphere umps over the PA system as progen looking sentient robot furry makes its way down the aisle. Still moving at the same speed as the drunk dragged by dog and teen crawling, the robot dinosaur seems to be at an impasse - so turns to the approaching target. Mecha Dinosaur Bones climbs into the ring just as ARM815H1 MK.69 slides in.
The two robots rapidly punch at one another's heads-
Hawke: What a punch - but this mechanical tribute to the late Armbishi is giving as good as he gets.
Stokes: It's like those... rock em sock em robots.
MEANWHILE... AT THE EDGE OF OBLIVION, ON TOP OF THE BONE SPIRE.
The aquatic beast has ridden the tar to the final floor of the spire, which is moments away from being submerged - and crashed through a wall, attacking our heroes.
The final battle to see if all the skills our protagonists have learned have a practical application. Kudor channels the time he was a malcontent customer and tells the sea monster that he has a "Fly in my Soup," but the Mosasaurus seems unmoved. Venöm assigns the title he received when he accidentally killed Turok the Dinosaur Hunter, "Amateur Turok" - with the confidence the moniker giving him allowing the possible GUNS founder to deduce that there is a dinosaur in the room with them. Great tracking skills, Venöm! AMG recalls the skills she learned while masquerading as an Olive Garden Hostess, and offers to show the dinosaur to its table - but Mosasaurus seems content eating where it is! The Mosasaurus is about to eat Träcy, but Harsh Winter Pilgrim distracts it with the Devil Sticks he mastered as a Christian Your Pastor! The Mosasaurus turns its attention to Marmaduke, who remembers that time he became a Veggie Burger - which the dinosaur doesn't find too appetizing. Lili hits the massive beast - and even gets it to react by screaming "HAAAAA" while kicking - a move he picked up as a Bruce Lee impersonator. 'Al Cole Hall tosses his AA pin at the monster, remember his barfly days and retreating to the Wizard's bar - enjoying the safety of a cold one. Her days as a gangster moll shining through, Träcy tells the Mosasaurus a "False Alibi" for where Venöm was when the beasts eggs were eaten. The Mosasaurus looks ready to eat the Crystal Skull Champion, when Venöm uses his interpretive dance skills to distract it with "jazz hands." Mosasaurus splashes tar at HWP, but Pilgrim uses "Hide From Mrs.Beakley" to avoid the wave - which he picked up as a Junior Woodchuck. AMG's ballerina skill let her pirouette away from a bite attack, then hit "The Nut Cracker." ...only she can't find the monster's testicles. Mosasaurus is not impressed, but AMG is saved by Kudor's LVL 8 distraction "What was that?" Playing the damsel in distress, AMG is starting to give Mosasaurus Stockholm syndrome. Searching for weapons, Lili uses his thief skills to pick a lock - only the window he opens just lets more black ooze in. Venöm lets off a scattershot - which might be more effective at hunting bear than dinosaurs. Marmaduke goes to his Pirate well, developing a limp in the hopes it will illicit sympathy. In full Personal Support Worker mode, Träcy uses "Patient Finder" to track Venöm down - and move him away from some overturned nudie mags his chair can't wheel over. At the bar, 'Al Cole Hall's co-dependency kicks in and he "passive aggressively waits" for the others. Transforming into a fighting man, Harsh Winter Pilgrim unleashes a kick - which the Mosasaurus completely ignores. Having moonlighted as a manicurist, Zoran Sainovic poisons the Mosasaurus with his Nail Fungus Attack. Olympia tries to talk to the beast in tongues. Always a flight risk, Trekker uncovers her passport. How many Rygar Seventeen stamps does it contain? As the champion, Personal Support Worker Träcy pulls her Hail Mary - remembering her time as a sketchy shopkeeper to shortchange the Mosasaurus - but he isn't a child and doesn't have any money! The Mosasaurus eats Venöm. Remember that as a sketchy shopkeeper she can turn back time by changing the expiry dates on food items, Träcy picks up one of the pizza boxes and with sharpie in time travels back to right before Venöm was eaten - pushing his wheelchair out of harm's way. Everyone is happy that Venöm is alive again, and doesn't have to seek out Wombat's body - but it seems like only a question of time before they share his fate. Trekker suggests focusing on finding her com badge, but the champion in Träcy states "That's Not Gonna Work For Me, Brother." Mosasaurus attempts to eat Zoran Sainovic, but is distracted by Trophy Husband Venöm's bronze palette swap. Miles Drucker jots down that Mosasaurus is thinking of switching feds, for one of his shitty rags. Sainovic punches the Mosaurus in the jaw, Jimmy Wang Yu one armed boxer style. At the bar, 'Al Cole Hall has had enough that he can tell Mosasaurus how much he loves it. Mosasaurus barely knows 'Al, and is kind of uncomfortable. Olympia makes the situation even more uncomfortable by making White Noise like a ghost. If they were in an Olive Garden, Marmaduke Matters could simple VANISH - but instead is stuck throwing confetti at the beast. Kudor grows closer to everyone by humanizing himself with a love of baby Ruths - only he doesn't have enough for the Dinosaur, and just makes it hungry. Lili saves Kudor from being swallowed, by hurting Mosasaurus' eyes with the truffle shuffle. Harsh Winter Pilgrim lines the dinosaur up for an "All Men Are Brothers" flying sword attack, while Olympia spins through the air with a "Sunbreak Edge." ...the sword attack enrages the beast.
Things look grim.
"YEEEEEEEEHAW!"
Only for Wiley Sharpe to appear on Mosasaurus' back - riding it like a bull. Bucking the massive aquatic terror - Wiley gets the Mosasaurus to buck up, taking out half the ceiling, only when the dinosaur starts to come back down, it impales itself on the point of the Bone Spire.
Winner: The Murder Hobo Express
Gained 255 EXP, 18 Skill Points
LEVEL UP!
Wiley Sharpe became a LVL 1 Miracle Worker, learned spell "LIFE 2"
AMG became a LVL 10 Olive Garden Boss, learned "Micro Manage Minions"
Olympia became a LV 15 Sword Maiden, learned "Come Drink with Me"
Venöm became a LVL 10 Dinosaur Hunter, learned "Detect Triceratops Scat"
Trekker became a LVL 20 Flight Risk, learned "UPDATE MOVESET - SKIP"
Marmaduke Matters became a LVL 6 Magician for Children's Parties, learned "Replacement Rabbit"
Kudor became a LVL 10 Sloth, endearing himself to all children of the 80s despite appearances.
Lili became a LVL 10 Chunk, learned "Blamed it on the dog."
Venöm became a LVL 15 Trophy Husband, and really wished he'd switched jobs back to Dinosaur Hunter before they got all that experience.
Träcy became a LVL 20 champion, learned "Creative Control."
Zoran Sainovic became a LVL 17 Nail Salon Engineer - learned "Human Trafficking Economics"
Miles Drucker was already at the maximum level you could be as a shitty wrestling rag journalist, and couldn't become any worse at his job.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim became a LVL 1 survivor.
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Ending M.
"Look out below."
Wiley Sharpe falls off the Mosasaurus corpse - landing on Träcy. Thinking the Denver native is trying to steal Träcy's championship, Venöm tries to pull the bull testicle glutton of this wife - only to trip and land on her as well. Cursing, Träcy attempts to shove the two men off her, which makes it harder for Venöm to help. A semi-conscious Bone Priest makes the count... 1... 2.. 3.
Winner and NEW Crystal Skull Champion(s) Wiley Sharpe AND Venöm
Spoils: As it stands a cheap double shot at the X.
Träcy: VENÖM.
Venöm: Wait, I can explain.
The Crippled Dinosaur Hunter didn't mean to steal his wife's title, especially after she spent most of 2023 wheeling him around. Oh, she looks mad.
Zoran Sainovic: RUN!
Venöm leaps out of his wheelchair... uh... his legs are working.
Venöm: This isn't what it looks like-
LIVID, Träcy throws the crystal skull at Venöm - the former world champion ducks the heavy object, letting it hit a wall.
The skull cracks in two.
...And everyone in the room dies inside. There one chance at escape ruined.
Träcy: I... I didn't mean it.
The tension is thick.
Lili turns the wheel chair back up, and sits in it. King of the world!
MEANWHILE... BACK AT THE TOKYO DOME.
ARM815H1 MK.69 ducks a tail swipe, and digs his razor sharp nails into Mecha Dinosaur Bones stomach, tearing the contraption open like a tin can. Sparks fly, and oil covers the canvas, as the giant robot is ripped apart.
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match... please give a warm round of applause to Dinosaur Bones' Supremacy hope, The Furminator - ARM 8 1 5 H 1 Mark 69!!!!!
Standing over the broken machine, Dinosaur Bones' Monster Killer seems confused. Didn't he just rescue Pilgrim and the others?
Stokes: Thank you, Bishy, but your friends are in a DIFFERENT Dinosaur Bones.
This planet is confusing. Looking a little dejected at this less than happy outcome, The Furminator exits. Next stop, Supremacy.
At ringside, Vile Vince Viper 14 climbs back into the ring - Skip Mercer wanting to show everyone he's not afraid of the smoking pile of scrape that almost crushed him. Outside the ring, Ace licks Florida Man's face until he comes too.
Florida Man: Hey boy, I missed you.
Ace: Woof.
Florida Man: Let's go rob a 711.
Ace (wagging tail): Woof!
Florida Man & Dog exit through the audience.
Hawke: Well fans there you have it- this has been Battle for Hegemony, and what a battle.
Stokes: You said it, Joey.
Suddenly the lights go out.
Super Beast by Rob Zombie pumps over the PA system. The audience look confused, until two claws slash down the curtains.
#Hey Yeah!!! I'm The One That You Wanted!#
#Hey Yeah!!! I'm Your Superbeast!#
Stepping out on the stage, sparks from pyro burning away the last of his red vestments - Vile "Vince" Viper tosses a Star Trek prop com badge onto the ground and stomps it out with one of his loafer looking doc martins. Remote control in hand, VVV finds his toy broken, and subsequently crushes the controller into scrap.
Stokes: OH NO!
Hawke: It's the XHF Gobbledegooker!
Stokes: VILE - I DIDN'T KNOW!
Casually walking down the aisle, even as the usually respectful Japanese fans throw garbage at him, the albino shoots the commentary booth a sinister smile.
Stokes: PLEASE BELIEVE ME! I thought it was you-
Hawke: So that's-
Stokes: The one and only.
In the ring, Skip Mercer seems to be completely clueless to the fact that his time on this earth is at an end. What is the big deal? Who is that guy? Skip turns to his manager Raymond Bryant for advice, but Ray is already running away through the audience. Oh? OH.
Hawke: It appears the new Viper just realized what kind of trouble he's in.
Stokes: He's not the only one. We'll all be held accountable. Folks at home... do you have children watching this broadcast? You may want to send them to bed, as this will be less wrestling than it will be a snuff video.
Hawke: It can't be that bad-
Stokes: Far worse. ...When Vile finishes with the kid, he'll be coming for the rest of us. Fans, this may be the last time we get to speak. If we don't see each other again, thank you for your support, and please remember to send donations to drain the La Trea Tar Pits - with your help, Dinosaur Bones will roam the earth again.
Skip Mercer: I'm sorry Mister Viper, I didn't-
Vile "Vince" Viper (raising a razor sharp talon to Mercer's lips): Sssssssssssssssssssssssssh.... don't worry about it, kid. Thessse thingsss happen.
Skip Mercer: Thank you for being so understanding, Mister Viper, sir, is that ever a relief.
Vile "Vince" Viper (talon continues to probe): ...you might want to clossse your eyesss.
Adjusting Skip's chin, VVV wonders if he can get him to swallow one of his own eyes while keeping the retinas attached so the youth can view his own insides? What adventures are going on in there? Just as the King of Snakes is about to strike- another figure appears at the entrance, hooded, hunched over, gnarled...
"Viper?"
Vile "Vince" Viper: What do you want?
DA DICK RIPPA: ...I'VE COME TO TEAR YOUR DICK OFF!
Stokes: It's The Dick Ripper!
Hawke: I thought he was just an urban legend-
The Prince of Darkness swallows hard, then points a talon at the youth next to him.
Vile "Vince" Viper: He'sss that Viper guy.
With that Triple V dives out of the ring, making a hasty escape, and leaving Skip Mercer to have his junk torn off.
Skip Mercer: Uh, hi.
The fourteenth VVV quickly runs after the original - the Dick Ripper on both their heels.
Stokes: See Joey, no need to sweat. In my experience, evil has a tendency to eat itself.
Hawke: Well fans- that concludes our broadcast, thank you again for joining us, for "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes-
Stokes: DRAIN THE TAR, SAVE BONES!
Hawke: I'm Joey Hawke, wishing you a good night.
The copyright appears at the bottom of the screen signalling the show's conclusion.
MEANWHILE, AT THE END OF THE SPIRE.
Up to their knees in black ooze, the Murder Hobo Express are minutes away from drowning. Träcy and Venöm aren't on speaking terms. Wiley Sharpe plays with his half of the Crystal Skull, wishing he could show it to Min. Venöm looks down at his, holding it by the ocular cavity... which is rather deep.
Venöm: Let me see that-
Wiley Sharpe: A unification match, eh?
Venöm (rolling eyes): No, we can both use the halves to challenge the X at the same time... when we come back form hell, because we're about to die, and that's not really a priority - just let me see it.
The formerly Crippled Dinosaur Hunter snatches the other half of the skull from Sharpe, and holds the two pieces together... he then leans down and blows into one of the eye holes... the skull makes a sound like an ocarina. Playing with his fingers, Venöm tries a few combinations before landing on.... Saria's Song from Legend of Zelda. As he finishes... there is a gust of wind... huffing... puffing... the sound of running even though there is no way it could be coming from.... then like Kool-Aid Man a creature bursts through a wall.
Dinosaur Bones: YOU RANG STUPID FLESHLINGS?
A summon spell.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Wait, how can you be here if we're inside you.
Dinosaur Bones (looking around): ....this place is creepy.
THE END.
Despite certain Japanese affiliates suggesting that the majestic arena had been burnt to a crisp, the Tokyo Dome has never looked better. Was it all a dream, or has it been painstakingly rebuilt over the past year? Aerial views show the memorable structure against the bustling cityscape as night falls, before cutting to drone shots of the interior. While many of the local fans were apparently put to the flame by J-RoK, enough of them survived that the Dome appears to be at full capacity. If you rebuild it, they will come. Like his Field of Dreams inspiration, are the 55,000 souls in attendance enough to wake the appetite of The Dread Lord? As the drones zoom past the attendees, John Coltrane's "My Favourite Things" plays over the PA system, and purple fireworks signal the start of the broadcast.
DINOSAUR BONES, in association with THE XHF NETWORK Hungrily Presents:
BATTLE FOR HEGEMONY V
DINO-LAND V
THE DINOSAUR BONES MEMORIAL BBQ V
The camera cuts from the establishing shots of the venue to the announce position at ringside, where the voice of the Dinosaur Bones federation, "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes, has been joined for the broadcast by Joey Hawke. The sheer number of wrestling fans in attendance brings a tear to the old cowboy's eye.
Hawke: Happy New Years, XHF! Welcome fans to the first PREMIUM Global Event of the Year! Before you can have Supremacy, there must be a Battle For Hegemony! Traditionally used to select the top contenders for the X*Crown, this year it has been misappropriated by the Dinosaur Bones promotion to raise the necessary funds required to drain the La Brea Tar Pits and rescue the corpse of its founder, Dinosaur Bones.
Stokes: Darn tooting'! Though with these many apes gathered in one place, Bonsey may come to us with out an exaction, just to get his grub on!
Hawke: ...excuse me...
Stokes: Hooo doggie! What a crowd! XHF, we surely do appreciate the support!
Hawke: It's an impressive line-up...
Stokes: And how! Folks liked treaten' us like we were a phoney federation, that only existed to keep Bones from getting in trouble for chowin' down... but look at us now! Swallowing all the global titles like they were McNuggets! And with ARM815H1 MK.69 heading to Supremacy - it's only a matter of time for we round 'em all up!
Hawke: Let's not get ahead of ourselves Tumbleweed. To get to Supremacy, first The Glorious Reign of Supremia's King Edmund the Forth has to defend the tag championship against J-Rok's Off The Wagon, and Trekker has to defend the JHC against HKW's Simon Cruise.
Stokes: We surely appreciate the support.
Hawke: Also on the card, Florida Man defending his W:UK Commonwealth title against Oblivion Death Squad's Moloch, GUNS Phoenix title will be contested with Redmond Fury attempted to claim his strap from the Widow Wombat...
Stokes: And I was mighty sorry the XHF didn't think HKW Florida deserved an X slot, but we got the next best thing, as their top dog puts his collar on the line against that young whippersnapper Vile "Vince" Viper. Haven't seen young Vinnie since '78.
Hawke: ....I think this is that Viper's great, great, great, great, great grandson.
Stokes: ........Jesus.
Hawke: But kicking off festivities, we have a Battle Royale!
THE AL JABRONI MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYALE
Hawke: Back at the End of Days 2023 Pay Per View-
Stokes: When poor Bonsey was once again confined to the tar pit-
Hawke: The same Junior heavyweight match saw Zoran Sainovic sink beneath the tar, and he is presumed dead, but there was one victim whose fate is known.
Stokes: Bonsey has a hard time telling us warm blooded critters apart, and feasted well on Al Jabroni. So I thought it was only fitting to pay tribute to his brave sacrifice. For the past two months, the DB brand has been hosting qualifiers across Europe and the Americas, to make sure only the best and the brightest would compete in this memorial...
Hawke: Let's throw it over to Bonnie Jenkins...
A picture of the late Al Jabroni appears on the tron. He appears genuinely peaceful in the image. It should be noted that heavy black bars cover up a veritable valley of genitalia that surround the cherubesque Jabroni, as it has clearly been taken on a pornset. Panning down from the orgy still frame, the camera finds Bonnie Jenkins standing in the centre of the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, our opening contest of the evening is a BATTLE ROYALE for the Al Jabroni Memorial Cup! The only way to eliminate an opponent is to throw them out over the top rope, and have both feet touch the ground until only one wrestler remains...
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first the GUNS Tag Team Champions... Noel Edmonds and MISTER BLOOOOOOOOOOBBBY, THOSE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS!
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the Tokyo Dome until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue.
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like Rick Steiner was smashed together with a blancmange.
As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Noel Edmonds: All you are is energy, remember that!
Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's handing out his hotel room number to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event! Edmonds looks behind to see his partner not focusing on the match and grabs an ear guard to pull him down the aisle to the ring. He points towards the ring and watches as Blobby looks to roll under the ropes but finds he is simply too large to fit. The Pink and Yellow Peril realises his mistake and stands up and shakes his head before leapfrogging the top rope.
Edmonds rolls under the bottom rope and rips off his trackies and Dad shirt to reveal a wrestling singlet that is patterned with boxes from Deal or No Deal. They head to centre of the ring to how Bonnie's close-up, and await the battle royale fodder to come.
Noel Edmonds: For Al's sake, we've got this in the bag! Besides the numbers are with us...
It is at this unfortunate moment that Noel notices Bonnie walking down the steel steps.
Noel Edmonds: Hang on, aren't you forgetting something?
Bonnie Jenkins (continuing to timekeeper's table): No.
Noel Edmonds: What about our opponents? The rest of the participants?
Bonnie Jenkins: You're it.
Noel Edmonds: NOW WAIT, what about all the people who want to pay tribute to Al's life?
DING! DING! DING!
As the bell rings, Blobby grabs Noel by the neck to throw him out- so Noel calls a timeout.
Noel Edmonds: Change of plans! Rather than work together against all the pathetic, unemployed, Next Level losers we thought were going to come out of the woodwork like it was HOBO Fights and someone had offered a turkey sandwich as a prize - it looks like it's down to us already.
Agreeing enthusiastically, Blobby again grabs Edmond by the neck to toss him.
Noel Edmonds: So you're going to have to eliminate yourself.
Mr.Blobby: Blobby?
Noel Edmonds (pointing to the floor): I'm not taking that bump. I'm libel to break something. Nothing for it. You have to throw yourself out.
Blobby starts to make a counter argument for why Al would have preferred for the Christmas crooner to win this memorial match, but wrestling isn't decided by fanciful speeches, and it doesn't take long before Noel evicersates any reasonable point. Crestfallen Blobby resigns himself to the sacrifice.
Hawke: So the Crinkly Bottom Boys are the only participants? I thought the Bones federation conducted hundreds of qualifiers...
Stokes: We did.
Hawke: But only these two advanced to the actual battle royale?
Stokes: We were very thorough.
Hawke: I'm just surprised more talent aren't trying to honour Jabroni's memory.
Stokes: ...Well... not to speak ill of the dead, but its not like Al didn't spend the last year of his career as Bonsey's thrall. Very Reinfeld like, tricking all manner of folks into becoming happy meals. I can see were Jabroni's legacy might be tarnished by that.
Hawke: Don't you do the same?
Stokes: I have Bonesy eating take-out, not taking people out. That is slander, Joey.
Hawke: I take it back. ....And speaking of taking it back, it looks like Blobby is having second thoughts about taking a dive.
Noel is already celebrating his win, when Blobby cheap shots the old man from behind - sending Noel over the top rope. No sooner does Edmonds hit the concert HARD, then Blobby acts like he was just climbing over the top rope and it was an honest mistake.
Edmonds: MY LEG!
Hawke: Noel looks hurt. That's why you don't see a lot of oxygenarians in battle royals.
Stokes: Couldn't pay me to be in a battle royal, dagnabbit.
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: Noel Edmonds has been eliminated, therefore the last participant in the battle royal, and winner of the Al Jabroni Memorial Cup,
MISSSSSSSSSTER BLOBBBBBBY!
Mr.Blobby raises his plastic cup with Jabroni's likeness, like he just won the Super Bowl. The Japanese audience are quite enthustiastic - not because they are overly familiar with the BBC origins of the Crinkley crew, but Blobby large misshapen form appeals to their mascot culture. As Edmonds howls of pain cut into the festivities, Mr.Blobby decides to run away.
Hawke: And there you have it, what might be our only clean finish of the show.
Stokes: You ain't lying.
Hawke: As Mr.Blobby possibly seriously injures his tag team championship partner, AND tries to avoid Noel's wrath... a friendly reminder that GUNS Season five will be launching shortly. Will the GUNS Tag Champions be on the same page in time to defend?
Stokes: They are cooking with fire!
MEANWHILE............ IN A COLD DARK PLACE.
With Treasure Map in hand, The Murder Hobo Express make their way onto a dilapidated pirate ship inside a narrow cavern. Yes, its the Pirate’s Dinner Adventure Theatre Buena Park - no doubt consumed by the hungry dracolich because they tried to explain fixed menu items. Whatever parasites retrofitted the dinner into a boat have long since perished, even as tar now fills up the cave's lower levels, causing the structure to rise. Now the nautical themed restaurant acts as a last bastion of floating space for our intrepid explorers. As the DB protagonists make their way into the captain's quarters, the resident scribe can't help but notice a skeleton wearing a patch.
Miles Drucker: One Eyed Willy!
Breaking from the group- Drucker approaches the corpse.
Miles Drucker: Hi Willy. I'm Miles Drucker. You've been expecting me, haven't you? We made it, I beat you. (looks under his patch, notes the skull's deformity, and takes a hit from an inhaler) You know we have a lot in common. You know something, Willy? You're ...first... Murder Hobo.
Noticing some lamp lights, Miles wipes his face, and turns to find AMG, Scratch, Venöm, Träcy, 'Al Cole Hall, Marmaduke Matters, Harsh Winter Pilgrim, Olympia, Wiley Sharpe and the Minotaur all watching him.
Miles Drucker: Hey guys, how's it going? It's Willy. One Eyed Willy. .......How long have you guys been standing there?
Scratch: Long enough, Miles. Long enough.
Gathering around Willies' table - covered in food from when this was the Dinner Adventure's buffet, the ravenous Murder Hobos marvel at how much of the perishables are still edible.
Miles Drucker: What are you all starring at? Come on, load up! Anything you can put in your mouths!
As the shock wears off, the Express start gorging themselves. Sadly, it's at this moment that the Fratellis show up - the Italian restauranteurs having been consumed when Bones was first testing the boundaries of "All You Can Eat."
Axel Rose Lookalike: Welcome to the Jungle!
Packing heat, the Fratellis get the drop on our hungry heroes. The one that looks like GNR's frontman snatching a shrimp away from AMG.
AMG: You gross old witch.
Axel Rose Lookalike: Oh, you want to play pirates - let's play pirates, you can walk the plank.
Exiting the Captain's Cabin, the lead Fratelli starts directing AMG towards a plank. The rest of the Hobos protest, but the guns in their faces keep them in check. Things look grim........
Kudor: HEY YOU GUYS!
Attention turns to the ship's sail, where a blue claw pokes through the fabric - like in Captain Blood. Only it is at the bottom of the sail instead of the top, then awkwardly starts to climb up, in reverse of the film its clearly a parody of. Backwards. When enough of the sail has been torn, Kudor's smiling face can be seen. Hanging off the alien's back is Lili - though it is unclear if Kudor's hated rival is riding him or trying to choke the monster out. When they get high enough, the panda falls - senton bombing one of the Fratellis. That's right! A wrestling move. If you take a shot every time you see a wrestling hold used on this show - you'll still be okay to drive home. The impact ultimately starts...
CLAVICAL DUOS CHAMPIONSHIP
Bad Chow Mein (LiLi & Kudor) (c) vs. The Fratellis (Axel Rose Lookalike, Cypher Pants & Music Man Mussolini)
Bullets just appear to be a source of minerals for Kudor who excitedly thanks them for the lead in his traditional cartwheel manner. The blue alien's giant panda partner, who also looks like he could ignore a few gut shots, quickly disarms the challengers with massive pam strikes. In Cypher's case, literally. The numbers are still with the Italian stereotypes, who quickly pile on the bear. Why aren't the rest of the Hobos pitching in, you ask?
Scratch: Are you alright, AMG?
AMG: You fools should have let them drown me, when you had the chance! That treasure will be mine! ...Little did you suspect that my henchmen did not perish, but had simple been dehydrated...
Throwing open the cabin door, AMG turns the Pirate’s Dinner Adventure Theatre Buena Park's water cooler onto some vials of dust... rehydrating them back into existence.
AMG: You will fear the Supervillainess! (to waiters) Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys!
The Murder Hobo Express vs. The Rehydrated Olive Garden Waiters x 12
An Olive Garden Waiter tries to kick Crystal Skull Champion Träcy in the midsection, only the minute the blow connects, he disappears. Has the skull made her more invincible? Apparently it isn't special, as another waiter tries to shove Venöm's wheelchair off the plank, but the moment he makes contact, this waiter too disappears. The rest start to question this strange turn of events, giving our heroes the opening they need. A chop by the Hooded Scratch's one visible arm? Its recipient vanishes. Not really feeling the fight, 'Al Cole Hall offers his waiter a drink? You better believe that's a vanishing. Always keen to preserve human life, Harsh Winter Pilgrim tries to stop one of the pirates from touching him, before worthless wrestling reporter Miles Drucker slaps the waiter into disappearing. Like he did a good thing. Olympia knocks five of the waiters into an unseen state, but continues to speak like they're there. There is a period where the remaining fodder try to run away, but there are so many bodies on the deck, its impossible not to bump into a vanishing experience. Even the Minotaur tries to tear off one of the waiter's scrotums, because he knows its the only thing that his BFF Wiley Sharpe can eat. While most of the waiters are disappearing at the moment of contact, this one seems to be pained for some time before a ripping sound can be heard, and this Olive Garden Eunuch joins the rest of the waitstaff in a state of invisibility.
Winners: The Murder Hobo Express
Spoils: Pirate’s Dinner Adventure Theatre Buena Park, Makeshift Restaurant Galleon
Gained 12 EXP, 15 job points.
LEVEL UP!
Träcy became a LVL 5 World Campion, learned "That's Not Gonna Work For Me, Brother."
Venöm became a LVL 3 Trophy Husband, gained Bronze Palette Swap.
Miles Drucker became a LVL -99 Journalist, can still work on wrestle rags.
Hooded Scratch became a LVL 6 One Armed Boxer, Jimmy Wang U certification.
'Al Cole Hall became a LVL 4 Friendly Drunk, can express Love.
Olympia became a LVL 8 Ghost Whisperer, learned White Noise Nutcracker.
Marmaduke Matters became a LVL 2 Illusionist, learned "VANISH - Olive Gardens."
Wiley Sharp became a LVL 2 picky eater, can now consume Smoked Lamb Testicles.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim became a LVL 25 Pacifist, learned "All Men Are Brothers" Flying Sword Attack.
The Minotaur became a LVL 3 Dick Ripper, can use the title "Dick Ripper - Novice."
Wiley Sharp: Thanks for the thought, Min. But I really just need to wrap my head around peanut butter and jam sandwiches.
Minotaur (shrug): SNORT.
Marmaduke Matters: The waiters... they're gone! Popped like balloons! How'd it happen?
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Whoever de-hydrated those waiters could not have foreseen their accidental re-hydration with the toxic heavy water Pirate’s Dinner Adventure Theatre Buena Park uses to let the customers wash down their soup of the day!
Marmaduke Matters: Which naturally left them in a highly unstable condition! ...Leaving them in a more vulnerable state then even when they relied on Olive Garden for their wages. And I thought we had it bad.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: You saw it yourself, Brother Duke. The SLIGHTEST impact was sufficient to instantly reduce them to anti-matter!
Marmaduke Matters: Antimatter? You mean they won't be coming back, Grim?
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: No, Brother Duke. Not in this universe. ...Let that be an object lesson in the dangers of tampering with the laws of Mother Nature.
While the above is going on, the tag championship continues to rage. Music Man Mussolini swings One Eyed Wiley's corpse like club, but Kudor backflips to quickly for the blows to connect. Lili is just sitting on Cypher, while pulling strips of deck off the boat to chew on like bamboo. Axel is trying to use a particularly stale baguette to saw the giant panda's head off, but if Lili feels it chaffing fur, he is not letting on. Triple M gets winded chasing Kudor, only to have his throat slashed by a spinning alien backhand. Startled by the blood splatter, Axel starts to run away only for the alien to backflip in chase. Axel desperately looks for a weapon, but by the time he snatches One Eye Willy's corpse - Kudor flips into a high impact mule kick, which sends Axel flying head first into the waiting maw of LiLi.
Winners: Bad Chow Mein
Spoils: Pirate’s Dinner Adventure Theatre Buena Park Security Muskets x 3, Use Your Illusion 2, Rose Leftovers x 2
Gained 5 EXP, and 6 Skill Points.
LEVEL UP!
Lili became a LVL 3 Chunk, Learned Truffle Shuffle.
Kudor became a LVL 4 Sloth, gained "Bonding - Baby Ruth."
Miles Drucker: KUDOR! You spoke English!
Kudor: Nanublablunaaa!
LiLi: 我一直在教我的朋友你那可恶的舌头的方法。
Scratch: Apparently LiLi has been teaching him.
Kudor: Blahblahblahnanooooo.
Venöm: Given how much English LiLi knows - that would do it.
The Panda shoots Venöm a murderous look. Between the crippled dinosaur hunters' wheels, and his mates' hair accessory, LiLi has grown to despise the first couple of Bones. Still he has to bid his time... all their gold will belong to him.
Marmaduke Matters: Those two certainly are thick as thieves, considering they spent most of our digestion at each others throats, it almost feels like they've grown as giant panda and alien respectively.
Yes, the Panda will kill them all.
Kudor does a backflip, then sticks his tongue out. As is his way.
The Hooded Scratch leaves the rest of the group to find AMG looking distraught.
Scratch: Are you alright?
AMG: Do you have any idea how hard it is to get minions in the middle of a dracolich's belly? It's hard being a super villainess in a party of one. I really wanted that treasure.
The rest of the Express gather.
Scratch: Take it. You have had half a shrimp since getting here. You eat far less... consider Pirate’s Dinner Adventure, your share.
Marmaduke Matters: That's right. And in terms of having a gang, I've always thought of you as our leader.
AMG: You did?
Scratch: Sure. You mostly just use us as shields, and bark orders.
Träcy: I would be, but as a fighting champion, I'm too busy defending my title to lead.
Venöm: And I might look like the founder of the most successful wrestling affiliate in Network history, with leadership skills for days...................... but there is an umlaut - which makes me a Dinosaur Hunter.
The model looks around at the supportive faces.
AMG: You guys. You're the best minions a Super Villainess could ask for.
Crisis Averted.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: So if you want that food have it, Sister A. Besides, the real prize is the boat. This is our last ticket out of here, and I get the feeling we don't have time to be hungry. We are all going to get out of here alive.... no one is dying on my watch.
Lili belches up Axel Rose's skull.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: .........starting now!
A rousing cheer. With that these Goonies navigate their ship out of the Bat Cave.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE... INSIDE THE TOKYO DOME.
Hawke: Fans we have been joined at ringside by Wrestle:UK's Sir Arthur Torchwood, which can only mean that we are about to see some Commonwealth action!
Stokes: Pull up a seat your lordship.
Torchwood: Thank you for having me, gentlemen. When our owner, Mr.Blood, learned that the promotion hopping rapscallion known as Florida Man was bringing his "unique offence" to that mountain of muscle, Moloch - it seemed prudent for me to provide a context for the "action" on display as it relates to our brand.
Hawke: We appreciate it, Sir Arthur.
Stokes: That gator actually called out the big man? I don't reckon he's playing with a full deck.
Torchwood: Understatement of the year, William. Sadly, as the good people of W:UK have continually discovered, the Floridian is actually playing with multiple decks - he keeps at least seven aces up his sleeves.
Hawke: So where does the animosity between Florida Man and Moloch stem from?
Torchwood: One of the big 2023 W:UK stories was our invasion by the Epcot Mafia. Florida Man and Marty Donovan were victorious at our Revolution tag tournament, have won our tag titles on multiple occasions, currently holding them. Despite being the faces of the most competitive tag division on the XHF Network, during their reign, the Oblivion Death Squad succeeded in capturing the XHF Global Tag Championship. Treated as a secondary title holder, warming the crowd up for the ODS XHF defences, inspired a level of resentment in Florida Man for Network titles that truly made him a member of the W:UK family.
Stokes: Hooooo-dawgie - I reckon we got ourselves a bloodbath in the making! Consider yourselves warned, fans!
WUK COMMONWEALTH CHAMPIONSHIP
FLORIDA MAN (c) vs. MOLOCH
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, has a twenty minute time limit, and is for the W:UK Commonwealth Title!
Archenemy's In the Eye of the Storm pumps over the PA system.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first, the challenger, standing at 6'2", and weighing in at 290lbs, and coming to us from Parts Unknown by way of the former Soviet Bloc, he is one half of the Oblivion Death Squad - this is - MOOOOOOOOOOOOLOOOOOOOOOCH!!!
Moloch pushes through the backstage curtains, the soldier of the apocalypse, seconded by his partner, Mormo, and their manager Lady Sinclair Godfrey. The audience is decidedly icy, but don't quite lean over the guardrails to get in the ODS' faces - both because Japanese audiences are rather respectful, and also because the sheer size of the former tag champions are incredibly intimidating.
Stokes: Look at the size on this hoss. What they feeding 'em in Oblivion?
Hawke: The champion giving up almost a hundred pounds to the challenger. Only, Moloch is more of a tag specialist, so in spite of the genetic difference, it is safe to assume that Florida Man will have the edge in this singles encounter.
Torchwood: I wouldn't be so sure, Joseph. In the history of the commonwealth title, only two of its champions have ever successfully defended it.
Stokes: I reckon that there belt is cursed. Was it forged on an Indian burial ground?
Torchwood: Hardly William, it is merely a terribly competitive division. So the Floridian had an uphill battle, before picking a fight with a T-64.
The rest of the squad taking a supportive position outside the ring, Moloch heads to the far corner, awaiting his victim.
Bonnie Jenkins: And the champion... standing at 6'2", weighing in at 198lbs, he comes to us from the darkest recesses of the Floridian ID - please give a warm welcome to that Sunshine State Stud-
FLOOOOOOOOOOOOORIDAAAA MAAAAAAAAAAN!!!
"Interior Crocodile Alligator
I Drive A Chevrolet Movie Theatre"
Chip Da Ripper's freestyle on leather quality soon leads to Fatboy Slim's "Mad Flava" pumping over the PA system. The tron plays a clip from Red Dwarf of Rimmer flying on a crocodile, before cutting to the Fantasia gators having their way with the hippo ballerinas. Images of gators and crocs from popular culture are cut into a rapid fire montage, before even more cartoonish match highlights of a certain Floridian wrestler begin to bleed in - looking even less realistic. The back entrance curtains start to move... then rip off! The sound of breaking glass! 3:16 yo. Yes, Florida Man has torn off the curtain with his grotesquely gyrating pelvis. Dancing along with the music, The Man from Florida swings his tail, but mostly just thrusts his crotch to the sick beat. It's rather violent. The crowd delights at his buffoonish dry humping antics, even as the more prudish parents rightful cover their children's eyes from this borderline pornographic macho display. The applause is deafening. Florida Man might be the worst person in the XHF, but there is something about the gator that is infectious. ...Not just the pinkeye.
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: There's the bell - the two men circling, sizing each other up... and Florida Man calling for a test of strength.
Torchwood: Preposterous.
Hawke: Moloch doesn't look impressed but obliges.
Florida Man: *GOOFY WAIL*
No sooner do the two lock hands, then Florida Man is immediately overpowered, backpedaling until he can swing a foot into the ropes, forcing a rope break. Referee Jay Halston gives Moloch a 5 count to break the dreaded wristlock - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - with the large man taking it close to the limit before finally letting go. As Halton makes Moloch give FML some space, Flo rubs his wrist in pain - then peels himself off the ropes.
Florida Man: That all you got, tiny?
The crowd pop as Florida Man raises his arm again, calling for another test of strength.
Stokes: Something ain't right with that fella.
Torchwood: I have continually raised my concerns to W:UK that we might be held criminally responsible if something were to happen to the manchild.
Hawke: Moloch once again obliging.
Florida Man: *YELLS LIKE GOOFY*
Within seconds of them locking hands, FML again dives into the ropes for a break. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5... Halston gives Moloch a warning before the test of strength is again brought to an end. This time Florida Man is half leaning out the ropes, holding his arms up in the air to demonstrate how limp his wrists are. His hands just flop around like they are broken. Playing it up, the gator blows on them and has them circle around like a Catherine wheel. Looking back at the intimidating specimen that is Moloch, you can tell that Florida Man really doesn't want to... but he can't help himself.
Florida Man: ONE MORE TIME!
The crowd eat it up. Despite trying to raise a finger to illustrate the one in his test of strength challenge, his wrist means the finger flops down. Oh well, it's the thought that counts. Shaking some feeling in them, like the strung out tendons in his wrists will somehow Hulk Up, the obstinate Floridian again forces a test of strength, which Moloch easily overpowers. Rather than scramble to the ropes again, this time Florida Man leans forwards and bites Moloch's hand, drawing blood. Retracting his bloody fist, it is Moloch that breaks the test this time - even if strength has nothing to do with it. Referee Halston warns about the bite, but Florida Man is too busy celebrating his "winning" this test of strength.
Stokes: A win's a win.
Torchwood: I hope Moloch has all his rabies shots. Biting? Surely, that should draw a disqualification.
Hawke: Florida Man celebrating like he won a world title.
Stokes: He almost did at New Years Brawl, right?
Torchwood: That's not how I remember it.
When Florida Man stops showing off his "impressive" forearms, he walks right into an effortless bodyslam by Moloch. Hitting the canvas hard, Flo holds him back in pain while almost circling like Curly. Not appreciating this over-the-top selling, Moloch reaches down to give Florida Man something he will really feel - only to withdraw his hand when Florida Man tries to bite it again. Before referee Jay Halston can read FML the riot act, Moloch tries to break the gator's jaw with an authoritative thrust kick. Flo rolls through, only to eat another thrust kick, then another. A forth attempt is caught by the champion, who tries to turn it into dragonscrew leg whip - but Moloch is too damn heavy to throw. The ODS member starts to reach down for a choke slam attempt, only for Florida Man to pull him into an ACCIDENTAL inside cradle for 1 - 2 - kickout. Both men get up to their feet, with FML running into a power slam which gets 1 - 2 - before the gator gets a foot in the ropes. Moloch goes for a BIG elbow drop, but FML rolls out of the way. As both men are starting to rise, Flo pulls Moloch into a HARD kneelift, then follows it up with an ACCIDENTAL standing moonsault for 1. While leaving the cover, Florida Man "accidentally" kneels on Moloch's throat. Incensed the larger man shoves Florida Man off him with such authority that the gator is tossed through the ropes out to the floor.
Hawke: The force of that kickout sending Flo to the outside. What power on the part of Moloch, who follows Florida to the ringside area.
Torchwood: Big mistake, you can't win gold outside the ring.
Outside the ring, FML charges Moloch with a running hip attack - only to sprint right into an uranage onto the concert floor. THUD. If Florida Man was more of a cartoon, he'd have birds circling his head. Grabbing his unconscious prey by the throat, Moloch lifts the champion up, dragging him back to the ring - but as he attempts to throw FML back in, the gator gets his feet up on the apron. Shoving off, FML turns it into a pseudo-senton throwing both men back to the concrete floor. Realizing that they have no intention to return the action without a prompt, Jay Halston finally begins a ten count. 1! Standing on Moloch's crouch, Florida Man gets up. Moloch tries to knock him off, but Florida kicks the already bloody hand away. 2! Jumping on Moloch's stomach, then trying to turn it into a trampoline for the Leap of Faith - FML manages to get high enough to make it onto the apron. Halston tells him to get back in the ring. Never! Florida Man springs off the ropes with a Miami Dolphin Kick! ...which Moloch promptly catches in midair, avoiding the kick, and throwing Florida Man into the steel steps. 3! Fortunately, Flo's penis takes the brunch of the sharp step edge, and he's able to ministry of funny walk into a running closeline by Moloch. 4!
Hawke: Challenger once again in control, trying to get the wild man back into the ring. Nope! Florida Man holding his ground, and trying to brawl on the outside.
Torchwood: It makes zero sense to go toe to toe with a brute of Moloch's dimensions. The Floridian is just asking for brain damage. More so.
Stokes: Gotta agree with his lordship. Florida Man is a power hitter, we all saw what he could do in Fight Club, but going shot for shot with Moloch's tree trunk arms? Like Sir Arthur says, might as well try to derail a train with your pecker.
Torchwood: His words.
A massive forearm almost clubs Florida Man over the guardrail into the crowd. 5! FML responds with a shot of his own, but the big man covers up well. Another freight train forearm, and its only the guardrail keeping FML standing. Off balance, Florida Man throws a BRUTAL roundhouse right - which knocks out all the teeth of the audience member he hits while completely missing Moloch. Another forearm shots rocks FML down to his knees. Moloch tries to peel Florida Man off the guardrail, only for the gator to act like he's ticklish. When an incensed Moloch finally shoves Florida Man off, he tries to follow up - only to find himself stuck. 6!
Hawke: What's going on? Moloch looking at his bitten hand-
Florida Man reenters the ring. Moloch would join the champion but finds himself-
Torchwood: HANDCUFFS! Of all the impertinent- disqualify him ref!
Stokes: Did you see Florida Man cuff Moloch to the guardrail-
Torchwood: Who else is going to do it?
7! Florida Man counts along with the referee.
Lady Godfrey: He has clearly been handcuffed!
Referee Jay Halston: Can we get some bolt cutters out here? Without seeing who cuffed him, its hard to stop the count. 8!
Florida Man: 8! I think he probably did it to himself to get a breather. You know how gassed big guys get.
9! Halston looks to the back for some help, but eventually FML works the crowd up into a loud enough chant of 10, that there really is no choice. 10!
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match as a result of a countout, and STILL W:UK Commonwealth Champion - FLORIDA MAAAAAANG!!!
Torchwood: And with that, I am shocked to say that the Floridian joins an extremely elite group of men who have actually successfully defended the commonwealth.
"Mad Flava" starts to pump over the PA system almost as loud as Florida Man thrusts his crotch, but the gator beats his groove down.
Florida Man: Hang on? Count out? Count out? Is this a global event or isn't it? OH HELLS NO! The audience want a cliggity clean finish - unlike OTHER champions that skate by with non-finishes this here gator is all about the people-
Hawke: What is going on here?
Torchwood: The Floridian's recent world title bid ended in a time limit draw, this is his passive aggressive way to get back at Eron Hunter for not immediately giving him a rematch, without actually calling Hunter out... as they are both fan favourites.
Stokes: This lizard brain goes over my head.
Torchwood: For the record, New Years Brawl was completely out of Eron's hands- who would have been happy to continue. It is exactly this kind of situation that Mr.Blood wanted me to clarify here this evening.
Florida Man: If only we could find the key to those cuffs, I'd REALLY teach Moloch a lesson.
Producing the key behind Referee Haltson's back, Florida Man can hardly contain his toothy grin as he swallows it. The crowd delight at these cartoonish machinations of the obvious and sleazy monster. Less impressed is Moloch, who rips the guardrail he's attached too away from the rest-
Florida Man (triple take): Now hang on, even if you could get free, that railing is a weap-
Moloch is so angry he BREAKS the steel chain.
Florida Man (thinking fast): Take it easy, you Miami Beach types are interchangeable - I might as well go with your diminutive partner.
Referee Jay Halston: You can't defend without Mister Wormwood-
Florida Man: I'd need Frank's permission to restart a match. This is a new defence, with me saying the belt is on the line so if (points at Mormo) beats me - I lickity lose it.
W:UK COMMONWEALTH CHAMPIONSHIP
FLORIDA MAN (c) vs. MORMO
Lady Godfrey stands with the livid Moloch on the outside, perhaps the only thing keeping Flo from being turned inside out.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is also for the W:UK Commonwealth championship, scheduled for one fall, with a twenty minute time limit - already in the ring, the champion, Florida Man... and his opponent standing at 6'4", and weighing 330 lbs-
Wait, as Mormo enters the ring, Florida Man remembers that objects get larger when they are closer to him. Did he accidentally pick a new fight with the larger ODS?
Bonnie Jenkins: MORMO!!!!!
DING! DING! DING!
Florida Man: Hang on, since Moloch freed himself, I should probably just-
A light push by Mormo sees Florida Man roll back multiple times before coming to an end in the corner. Using the ropes to launch himself upright, the deranged gator leaps out of the corner with a vicious closeline - which Mormo promptly no sells. Rubbing his arm in pain, Florida Man doesn't look pleased as Mormo encourages him to try it again. A degenerate gambler, Florida Man takes the be, doubling down with another closeline - that damn near breaks his arm. No sold. Not even a stagger.
Hawke: Mormo weighs almost twice as much as Florida Man, he can not get suckered into trading power shots.
Torchwood: If he wants a second defence, the Floridian is going to have to out think his opponent, and I don't see that handcuff trick working twice.
Mormo encourages Florida Man to strike again.
Florida Man: I'd love to - but my claws are tied.
Raising his hands, Florida Man has handcuffed himself. The crowd cheer. Moloch is steaming. Always happy to accommodate, Mormo fires down an overhand chop which snaps the chain binding the cuffs. If Florida Man's mask was more expensive, his eyes would bug out. Mormo slaps his chest, encouraging the reptilian luchador to hurt himself again with another display of meagre offence. Sheepishly, Florida Man darts back into the ropes, rebounds off, then gives Mormo a wide berth on his way back past to run into the opposite ropes, with enough momentum this might actually work. He rebounds again. And again. And again. Gets pretty close to Mormo, but then rebounds again.
Stokes: Is he trying to run out the clock?
Torchwood: If the Floridian is, he has nineteen more minutes.
As if hearing Sir Arthur on commentary, Florida Man utters an obscenity. He smokes way too often to do that much cardio. Running into the ropes one last time, Florida Man lines up a big closeline for Mormo to no sell and emasculate him with, only to put on the breaks - and hit a bell clap... in a way that the two steel cuffs catch Mormo in the eyes.
Hawke: Bell Clap! And if I'm not mistaken those severed steel bracelets may have brushed Mormo's eyes, as he does not look happy.
Blinded, Mormo lets loose a hellacious roundhouse right, but Florida Man drops under the blow, and channelling Johnny Cage brings the steel cuffs together for a double uppercut to the larger man's groin. As Mormo is doubled over, Florida Man pulls him into the BIGGEST PACKAGE - 1, 2...
Hawke: Kickout with authority! But Florida Man took the large man over, which has given him enough confidence to-
Torchwood: Walk right into a SPEAR!
Stokes: Mormo put enough on that to knock Flo out of his boots.
Hawke: The larger man stooping to lock on a Kata Ha Jime - no, Florida Man turning it into a stunner! The champ spinning around expecting a pin opportunity, only to eat a big boot!
Mormo stands on Florida's throat, choking him. FML tries to counter out of the choke with a spinning anklelock, but Mormo refuses to budge, instead bringing the heel down on the gator's chest for an arrogant pin. 1. As FML tries to fight up, Mormo pulls him into a double undertook piledriver for 1, 2, th-foot in the ropes. A power slam also gets close to 3. A repeater power bomb has Florida looking like patte, before Mormo holds on for the 1, 2, 3- fistful of rope. Mormo lifts Florida up for a standard textbook suppler, but then just lets him fall on his face. Wanting to finish this, Mormo starts to go for an Oblivion Slam, only for Flo to reverse out with a Miami Dolphin Kick. Tossing Mormo throat first across the middle ropes, Flo sits on him for a breather - while choking him. 1,2,3,4,5. FML gets up at the referees insistence, only to kick Mormo's leg out as the big man is rising, repeating the spot on the top rope. 1,2,3,4,5. A rocker dropper into the ropes, sets Mormo up to fall backwards, only Flo tries to get under him.
Hawke: That is a good way to get crushed.
Stokes: Reminds me of my cow tipping days.
Torchwood: How... quaint.
Hawke: FLORIDA MAN GOING FOR HIS NEVER STOP SPINNING AIRPLANE SPIN!
Stokes: I can't believe he got him up in the air!
Torchwood: Just barely.
Yes, Mormo is on FML's shoulders, but Florida Man is so doubled over that this is only three feet in the air. Bow legged, back looking like an accordion, more dwarf than man, Florida Man begins his never ending airplane spin. It is awkward trying to turn with that much weight, almost doing the splits, so it might be the world's slowest airplane spin. It seems less likely to make Mormo dizzy than to give Florida Man a hernia. Still, the audience is counting along with each spin, and Flo wants to make it look planned so he keeps it up.
Hawke: Well... he certainly is committed.
Stokes: Wait, what is that?
The crowd jeer. The camera pans down the aisle where UZUMAKI make their way down - Kira Izumi, Yuki Sakarabe, and the Hokkaido h8 club, Hiroto Hitsugaya & Kakashi Hagimoto. Really struggling to breathe, Florida Man uses the appearance of his J-RoK nemesis as an excuse to stop the airplane spin at 15 rotations.
Hawke: Uzumaki at ringside, and Florida Man hitting that Airplane spin in time to spit at them. Then returns to cover... 1.
Torchwood: He was lucky to get it.
Distracted by that rat bastard Kira, Florida Man tries to finish things quickly with a MINDBLOWER - only Mormo is too damn heavy, and it soon turns into a cross body block which covers Florida for 1 - 2 - big kickout. Grabbing Florida by the throat, Mormo hits a double chokeslam for 1, 2. A second double choke slam gets 1, 2, 2.5. A third double chokeslam gets 1, 2, 2.9.
Hawke: MORMO AGAIN GOING FOR THE OBLIVION SLAM!
Stokes: This is it-
Hawke: No, Florida Man has it scouted, turning it into the Ed Hardy Sophistication.... that's what the card says! Another steel bracelet bell clap - and takes the large man over with a DEATH ROLL!!! This could be it- 1! COME ON!
Before the referee can get any further in the three count, Kira Izumi shatters a baseball bat across the back of Florida Man's head. Sakarabe, Hitsugaya, and Hagimoto also enter the ring - going to town on the champion with steel chains, sledgehammers, and spiked gloves. The beating is fast and furious, with only a few shots required to turn the gator into hamburger - and they get way more than a few shots in.
DING! DING! DING!
Torchwood: This is outrageous. I'm not sure if the Floridian had Mormo down for the three count, it certainly seemed like they both had more in them. And while it wasn't technically pretty, it deserved a better ending than to have these J-RoK lowlives sully our great commonwealth division!
Stokes: I apologize your lordship, security should have been all over this-
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match as the result of a disqualification, and STILL W:UK Commonwealth champion, Florida Man!
Torchwood: With this win, Florida Man breaks Rob Riot's record, and becomes the second most successful Commonwealth champion in the titles history, and is second only to his current rival, Eron Hunter.
Stokes: When are those two fixing to mix it up again?
Hawkes: I'm sure Florida Man will be thrilled when he wakes up, but from the looks of him - that might be in a hospital.
Taking exception to their title shot being ruined, the ODS attack Uzumaki. Kira and Yuki continue to batter the bloody Florida Man, while The Hokkaido h8 club and ODS brawl to the outside of the ring. Soon a dozen security guards pull Kira and Yuki off of Florida, escorting them out of the ring. The aisle is complete chaos as a sea of security desperately try to keep the massive bruisers and the heavily armed Japanese contingent from having an all-out-war.
"D... Q..."
Gore drenched arm dropped across the middle rope to half prop him up, a barely conscious Florida Man spits up some blood before continuing.
Florida Man: ...........fans.... cleeeeeeean fin... ish..........
A broken finger shoots up in the air.
Florida Man: Mor... Mol........ ONE MO TI...ME!
The Japanese audience delight at this fool hardy fighting spirit, even if Florida Man looks like a corpse. Sadly there are a dozen security guards keeping either of the Oblivion Death Squad members from returning to the ring to finish this.
"You really don't know when to quit."
Slowly turning, Florida Man finds Lady Sinclair Godfrey standing behind him. The gator flashes a blood stained grin of approval. Really, the mask only has one look.
Florida Man (NEO Matrix hand gesture): Bring... it.
W:UK COMMONWEALTH CHAMPIONSHIP
Florida Man (c) vs. Lady Sinclair Godfrey
DING! DING! DING!
The second the bell rings, Florida Man throws himself off the ropes for one desperate attempt at retaining...
Staggering into a yakuza kick by Lady Godfrey that catches him right in the head. Her stiletto breaks off in his skull.
The two stand motionless for what feels like eternity, before the a massive spray of blood shoots out of Florida Man's forehead like the most over-the-top Samurai film. When the geyser of crimson finally stops, a few beats later, the champion collapses to the canvas. Breaking off her other heel to maintain balance, Godfrey's cover is academic. 1, 2, 3.
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: Wait, really? The winner of this match, and NEW W:UK Commonwealth champion, LADY SINCLAIR GODFREY!!!!!
Collecting her belt from the referee, Lady Sinclair starts to exit the ring to join the ODS... when a claw weakly grabs her ankle.
Florida Man: .....mediate... re... match....
Torchwood: He wants a forth fight?
Hawke: Clearly doesn't know the meaning of the word quit, amongst many others-
Shaking her head, Godfrey kicks Florida Man away - sending him crashing to the concrete.
Torchwood: And THAT was the member of Donzig-Gun that Florida Man had a relatively cordial acquaintanceship with.
Stokes: They saved Christmas.
Torchwood: Though it will be nothing one could describe as wrestling, when the Epcot Mafia and Oblivion Death Squad finally meet in a tag encounter, I imagine it will be an epic spectacle.
Hawke: For all the blood on the canvas, it seems like they've been left with more bad blood to spill. As paramedics check on the downed Florida Man, and security maintain control over our J-RoK visitors, thank you Sir Arthur for sitting in on not one, but three commonwealth title matches.
Torchwood: A pleasure, gentlemen.
MEANWHILE.... INSIDE THE BEAST.
The once vibrant sea of blood is now pitch black, completely overwhelmed by tar as far as the eye can see.
The Rocky Mountain High - a pirate themed restaurant turned mock Spanish galleon, so named by Wiley Sharpe while everyone else was busy trying to find a way out of the living hell that is tar pit lodged Dinosaur Bones' stomach - slowly makes its way across the "dark waters."
Scratch: You are a fantastic champion, Träcy. We can all see where El Rey gets his talent from... but we have reached a point where we need to find out how to use your crystal skull.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Yes, no one is saying that you weren't the best Crystal Skull champion-
Lili: 我是。
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: What Lili said, we are all very proud of the great job you're doing, its just that... even though we're floating, that stomach ceiling is getting closer by the day, and if we don't end this soon, we're all going to die.
The Murder Hobo Express are apparently having an intervention for Träcy. Evidently the championship belt - skull - has the power to return them to the outside world, only every person who has won the belt is more concerned with their prestige than actually escaping. It's like the one true ring. Träcy is certainly holding it like it's her precious.
Marmaduke Matters: Träcy, you are SUCH an awesome champion. I can only imagine that all of Venom's championship success is because of the sacrifices you've made, so now that its finally your time to shine, how difficult this all is. ...But you're still going to be champion when we get out of here. Also, if we don't use it, we will definitely be digested.
They all agree.
Träcy: I hear what you're all saying... really I do... but what if I'm not champion when we leave?
Kudor: Nanununununaah.
Träcy: I know what you're all saying is right, its just...
Venöm: Hon.
Träcy: ...Yes. A real champion puts their federation first. Of course we'll use the skull.
A massive sigh of relief. They really didn't want to murder her too.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Then we must make haste for the City of Bone before this vile ooze overtakes it...
Olympia: There he is!
From atop the mast, Olympia points to a smaller vessel - a sixareen. As the Rocky Mountain High gets closer to the other ship, the red robes of the Wizard of Bone can be spotted at the front. The vessel is rowed along by his Bone Priests, at a speed that suggests the sorcerer is in a hurry.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Ahoy there-
The Wizard doesn't even acknowledge them.
Miles Drucker: We just had a quick question about the skull-
Wizard of Bone: No time-
Scratch: We just need a moment-
Wizard of Bone: Don't you get it. (snarling up) HE WILL LAY DOWN TO A FUCKING DOG!
As if that is the only explanation needed, the sixareen continues across the black sludge.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Pursue, or we'll be stuck going all the way to his spire-
The Rocky Mountain High tries to cut the smaller vessel off, when a large shape emerges from the ooze.
Marmaduke Matters: Not again-
The galleon is almost capsized as the Mosasaurus merges from the tar - large teeth just coming short of swallowing the modest craft. The sixareen continues towards the City of Bone, leaving their pursuers to deal with the massive aquatic dinosaur that has decided the Rocky Mountain High is a viable snack.
The Murder Hobo Express vs. MOSASAURUS
A hard right sees the ship narrowly avoid another bite. Fortunately the tar waves that the Mosasaurus creates when rising, helps push the RMH further from the giant maw.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: How did we survive last time?
Marmaduke Matters: ARM815H1 MK.69 did all the actual fighting.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: That was most of our adventures. ...I really miss that guy.
Marmaduke Matters: And even then we were capsized and ended up drowned rats. We were just lucky Scratch fished us out.
Scratch (using telescope): Same boat now. Only you almost drowned on romulan ale, a lung full of black ooze is harder to walk off. (pointing) I SEE IT!
There is a crack in the far north wall, large enough for the Rocky Mountain, but small enough to be a deterrent to their boss fight. The boat again picks up speed, narrowly avoiding another bite. The large mass behind them looking more like Godzilla 1998 to their fishing wharf, as it races after them. It looks close, but the waves created by the Mosasaurus' bobbing is enough to send the ship through the small cavern, and leave the dinosaur hungry.
YOU ESCAPED!
0 EXP, 0 Skill Points.
Lost 243 Gold, and 4 Sanity Points.
Disappointed, the Mosasaurus turns its tar covered gaze to the smaller craft.
MEANWHILE... IN A STUDIO.
Between two hubcaps
The shot opens upon a graceful, if withered, face.
Grandma Mary: Welcome, XHF Fans, to our special spot… between two hubcaps. I am joined today by Mistress Discipline.
Camera zooms out two include the famed wrestler.
Mistress Discipline: Thank you for inviting me.
The older lady nods.
Grandma Mary: And thank you to BFH for allowing us to join the celebration.
Mistress Discipline: I was told the Feeder Fed is closing.
Grandma Mary: Celebration of life? It’s certainly been an interesting one! But these are interesting times we live in today. This month CAR will host the Athletic Cup, I believe your crew is joining.
Mistress Discipline: Yes, Death Trap has been focused on that. Which was surprising given I AM representing CAR for a shot at the X*Crown. I would have thought we would speak of that. It seems the Athletic Cup holds more attention then the X*Crown.
The older lady holds her hands out to the upset woman.
Grandma Mary: Oh, Dear! Your representation is very important to CAR. Winning the X*Crown would be huge.
She receives a glare from Mistress.
Mistress Discipline: Would it? Both you and HE seem to forget my X*Crown shot. I seem not to hold the same importance-
Grandma Mary: Of course you're important! You're just not as active…. As you used to be.
Mistress slowly turns her head away.
Mistress Discipline: I have... other interests. I thought Death Trap did too.
Grandma nods.
Grandma Mary: CAR? Yes, I wouldn’t call CAR a distraction but-
Mistress Discipline: Not just CAR. I have become a married woman, I have other needs.
The women share a look.
Grandma Mary: CAR is a family friendly show here-
Mistress Discipline: Not like that.
She shakes her head.
Grandma Mary: What other needs does a woman have?
Mistress Discipline: Attention. Being the focus of focus. I thought I was past being a coat rack. And this is NOT about my husband.
Grandma Mary: It isn’t?
Mistress Discipline: No. This is about My Respect. My Due. My Reputation as a wrestler. As an individual. As a person. Do I need to be always on screen to be thought of? Do you know who I am?
Grandma Mary: When you are a performer, a personality, you are not a complex person. That’s too hard to show. Your personality is watered down to one trait, or one role. A devoted wife, a dominatrix, or a librarian. But that doesn’t make you less. You can still be all three and more. Rather, the audience can only see less. CAR is more than just a drama llama. We have cool fireworks and last year shot crew members from cannons. But safely, we care for our crew's safety... We only have monthly shows, though. It can be hard to show our crews beyond the race.
Mistress Discipline: oh, Helhiem. I will show them I am more than cannon fodder. I will show them that I choose when I grace them with my presence and it is a present to behold me.
Grandma Mary: You go girl! And show them how amazing CAR is too!
The camera pans down from a tron that was displaying the CAR interview to the BFH announce booth.
Stokes: That fine young filly was Grandma Mary, discussing the upcoming Supremacy X*Crown match with her prospect, Mistress Discipline. Now Ol' Bonsey spent years in CAR, amongst the grease monkeys, and I know if he was with us here today, he'd want CAR to win the crown! ....unfortunately in Bones absence, a mechanical foxy man who I believe goes by Armbishi loves 269, picked up our contract, and I don't see how anyone can deal with his sheer eroticism.
Hawke: I haven't seen any tape on your Armbishi. But if he's anything like his CAR namesake, your participant and Mistress Discipline are going to pull out all the stops for the crown.
Stokes: Speaking of Supremacy, we have a veritable bonanza of interviews with the other participants... let's hear from them now-
MEANWHILE - ON THE WHITE WATER RAPIDS OF OILY DEATH, WHICH ARE PITCH BLACK AND THAT WHITE WATER THING WAS ONLY USED TO INVOKE IMAGES OF INENSE KAYAKE ADVENTURES...
The cavern that the Rocky Mountain High escaped into leads to a series of steeply inclined water - now tar - channels. As the walls get more claustrophobic, there is no chance of the Mosasaurus giving chase - but crashing through stalactites, the boat is barely holding together. Even as it picks up speeds that would be more suitable for a rollercoaster, tar covered fish monsters leap onto the deck. The majority of the Murder Hobo Express are in the cabin, hanging on for dear life. On the deck, however, Olympia - who may have been left up on the mast to act as a lookout, desperately fights back against the fish monster horde with her trusty broadsword.
OLYMPIA vs. SICKLY FISHMEN x 10
Blinded by tar, one of the fishmen staggers over to Olympia asking for help, but Olympia speaks ghost not fishman - and promptly cuts its head off. Two more fishmen are struggling to breathe, they look like more sashimi to the sword swinging pseudo-sailor. Coughing up tar, yet another Fishmen stumbles over bumping into Olympia - who considers the slight a shouldertlackle and quickly decides to ignore the hit. Concerned that all these attacking monsters are trying to capsize the ship, Olympia does her best Red Sonja impression, not leaving a single damp limb attached. There is less danger from the downtrodden beasts than there is from the constantly shifting boat, which almost throws Olympia on three separate occasions. The slaughter is actually far bloodier than anything else that has transpired inside Dinosaur Bones, and feels a little tone deaf to the more light hearted adventures. A few of the fishmen apologize for causing distress and try to flee, but again, Olympia doesn't speak fish, so skewers them. Even as the Rocky Mountain High plummets over the side of a now black sludge based waterfall - causing her to get airborne, Olympia uses the opportunity to spin - eviscerating four creatures like out of a wuxia film.
Winner: Olympia
Spoils: 4.7 Tons of Sushi
Gained 15 EXP, 6 Skill Points.
LEVEL UP!
Olympia became a LVL 9 Sword Maiden, learned "Sunbreak's Edge" cutting technique.
UNLOCKED ENDING K.
Crashing into the abyss, the Rocky Mountain manages to avoid capsizing. Joining a larger underground river of black ooze, the vessel starts to drift back out into open waters. The threat of being thrown now gone, the rest of the Murder Hobos join Olympia on deck.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: That was incredible, Sister Olympia!
Marmaduke Matters: Yes, when you first joined our party, I thought you were just going after an easy title shot, but today really showed that you're a true Murder Hobo. And I'm glad you're part of the team.
Olympica (looking off in distance): I told you, MacDougal.
Acceptance.
....Though MacDougal is still getting a cold shoulder.
Before the group can get sick on raw fish, a flash of heartburn lightning illuminates a some ruins in the distance.... The Flooded City of Bone.
MEANWHILE... BACK AT THE TOKYO DOME.
Hawke: Up next fans we have more interpromotional action, as Hardkore World's Simon Cruise takes on Paramount+'s Star Trekker.
Stokes: That futuristic filly has been on quite the roll lately, and is the pride of Bones, while Cruise apparently has one of the best win loss records in HKW. Until recently he was their Westcoast champion, should be a rip roaring good time.
Hawke: Unlike a lot of Network talent - Cruise really is one of those exclusive contracts where if you want to see him, you have to tune into Hardkore World. Doesn't really do global events out of respect to the Valentine family - so signing this appearance could not have been easy. An inspired pairing, what made you think of it, Tumbleweed?
Stokes: A Roddenberry stalker and a pothead beach bro? Those varmints' SoCal hipster vibes are off the charts by themselves, so together? This is gonna be a barn burner of a hootenanny and it freaks me out!
XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
PARAMOUNT+'s STAR TREKKER (c) vs. SIMON CRUISE
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, has a thirty minute time limit, and is for the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship!
As the "Riptide" pumps over the PA system, the camera hard pans from the entranceway over to the audience where Simon Cruise has once again launched himself into the audience on his lightning blue shortboard. If any of the crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, they don't let on, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rational turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside. Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him pose with his board.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first the challenger - standing at 5'8", and weighing in at 205lbs, he comes to us from Venice, California via the Hardkore World... please give it up for SIIIIIIIIIIIIMOOOOOOON CRUUUUUUUUUISSSSSSE!!!!!!!!
A variation on the theme from Star Trek TNG - to muddle copyright claims - plays over the PA, as the audience again look to the ring entrance.
Bonnie Jenkins: And the champion... standing at 5'5", and weighing in at 114lbs - she comes to us from Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco - please give a very warm welcome to DINOSAUR BONES VERY OWN-
STAAAAAAAAAAR TREEEEEEEEKKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Again the audience is still staring at the ring entrance. Only when it cuts back to Bonnie and Simon waiting patiently in the ring, Trekker is standing next to them. She must have transported in. The champion's appearance gets the respectful cheers one would expect, but no more for being the local favourite - since most of the crowd are more XHF fans than DB specifically.
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: Feeling out process to start. Now the winner of this contest will go on to defend against GUNS Discovery Channel Alien at Supremacy.
Stokes: Exactly, that match was tailor made for our girl! An astronaut, an alien - that's too good for Simon Cruise to steal it from us. The shifty surfer.
Hawke: Well viewers, it is fair to say that my colleague tonight is less than impartial.
Stokes: Nothing against Cruise, I surely do appreciate him coming out, but this is all about raising awareness for Bones - and no one does that better than our girl! First Crystal Skull champion she tells me - whatever that means.
The two start chaining together a grappling sequence, more like amateur wrestlers trading wristlocks and jockeying for leverage. The technical flourishes play to Trekkers' strengths - apparently on the wrestling team at the Academy she went All Federation - yet despite her impressive skills, Cruise matches the chains - using his size advantage, while seeming genuinely driven to prove he can keep up. The human chess game ends with a series of inside cradles constantly reversing for a one, one, one and a half, one, two, one, two count. Cruise attempts to break up these cradles with a small package, but Trekker hooks the arm for a hammerlock. Muscling out of it, Cruise snaps off a standing side kick which sends Trekker into the corner. Cruise handsprings after her for the WIPEOUT '20, but Trekker sidesteps at the last second, leaving the fifteen-year-veteran to hit his back on the turnbuckle hard. As Cruise staggers out from the impact, Trekker delivers a boot to the gut, doubling him over, then tries to go for a suplex... she might as well be throwing around an Nausicaan, because he's damn heavy and puts the breaks on. Asking herself WWJTKD? Trekker hits Cruise in the throat with a Kirk chop! As Cruise gasps for breathe, the champion decides to get opportunistic and go for The Riker Maneuver - only its been scouted, and Simon ducks under, leaving the momentum to send Trekker falling through the ropes to the outside. Not her first away mission, Trekker is quickly back up to her feet - just in time for Cruise to leap through the ropes with a suicide dive.
Hawke: Cruise with that fluid motion, taking out Trekker and tossing the champion back into the ring before the referee can even offer a one count.
Stokes: A spill on the concrete floor is nothing for Trekker. One time she fell down a chasm on Galorndon Core, missed the transport window, and had to sleep on the ground until the electromagnetic storm passed, dagnabbit.
Hawke: Do you know what any of that means, Tumbleweed?
Stokes: She wrote it down for me to say.
Back in the ring, Cruise works over Trekkers' left arm with a series of armdrags, armbars, and kneedrops. Trekker grabs a fistful of hair to try to pull Cruise off, then realizes she's close enough to transition into a Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Living in Venice, Cruise has seen enough Vulcan acupuncture render his friends cripples to want no part of that emotionless hoodoo - instead hyperextending the left arm, and flipping forward for a sadistically bouncy pin attempt that has to have its origins in lucha. One, two, big kickout by Trekker. Cruise tries to continue the arm attack, but as he reaches down Trekker kicks him in the face. Getting back up to her feet, the Paramount+ mascot lands a Top Gun worthy dropkick to Simon's Goose. Confidence building like The Arena music was playing, Trekker goes to town with those Mengesque Kirk Chops, knocking Cruise about the ring like he was out on the sea caught in a hurricane. ...which is actually his happy place. As the tidal wave approaches, Simon can hardly contain his excitement and rocks the champion with a Kickflip. A Barrel Roll sets the champion up for the Cruise Control - but before the challenger can lock in his devastating La Tapatia variation, Trekker manages to apply a Vulcan Nerve Pinch that causes half his body to go slack.
Stokes: Nerve Pinch outta nowhere! That what makes our girl so dangerous!
Hawke: Given how relatively inexperienced most of the Streaming War mascots were, she has really grown by leaps and bounds since starting with GUNS.
Stokes: She's scrappy!
Hawke: And has started really maturing with this JHC reign for Bones, which was one of the feel good stories of 2023.
Stokes: Darn tooting!
Hawke: ...But with challengers like the DTF trainees, Trekker hasn't had an opponent with the pedigree of Cruise.
Stokes: Darn it, Joey, stop being such a Debbie Downer - STAR has got this.
Apparently pinching the wrong nerve to only simulate a stroke victim degree of motor loss, Trekker tries to get a better handle on it to completely knock Cruise out. As she attempts to reapply the the deadly submission hold, Cruise uses his working leg to shove off, reversing into a makeshift Wave Breaker. It gets one, two, before Trekker gets a shoulder up. Using the ropes to get back up, Cruise tries to walk off the damage from the nerve assault. Shaking his limp leg, Cruise uses it to kick at the downed Trekker's legs - dropping a few knees to them, as the surfer attempts to get his blood flow in order. The former Westcoast champion thinks about applying the Cruise Control again, but his leg is still bothering him so he stomps away at Trekker's right knee. Still favouring one arm, Cruise reaches down and applies a Texas Cloverleaf.
Hawke: Trekker's main advantage is speed, which Cruise is trying to cut down for size.
Stokes: The referee asking her if she quits! I hope he's speaking Klingon, because in English, STAR doesn't know the meaning of the word! Where do they find these clowns?
Hawke: How did you pull this show together?
Stokes: Wasn't easy.
Not able to apply as much pressure as he wants because of the arm damage, Simon lets go of the cloverleaf and applies a figure-four keeping the pressure on the champion's legs. Trekker leans back - one, two - gets her shoulders up... then again - one, two - again gets her shoulders up. Writhing around in agony, Trekker asks herself "What would Captain Clark Terrell do?" RESIST! Then blow your own brains out. Sadly, Trekker's phaser is in the far corner, so she has no choice but to take the pain. Oh wait, there are the ropes too. Going back to her All Planet collegiate wrestling days, Trekker grabs the ropes - forcing a break. Cruise lands two leg drops, before whipping Trekker HARD into the corner. Cruise charges in for RADOMIZER, but Trekker counters out with a PATAK Plunge for one, two, kickout! The duo then go to another series of pin reversals for two, one, two and a half, one, one, one, one, one, two, two and a half.
Hawke: Fans really appreciating all these quick chains.
Stokes: My heart can't take it!
Hawke: Though looking to take global gold home to the Hardkore World tonight, at the end of the month on HKW's Los Angeles show, Cruise the recently dethroned X*Crown champion in a number one contender match for Kilroy Evan's HKW heavyweight title.
Stokes: Him and Evans have a VERY BUSY MONTH. Whelp, if what we're seeing tonight is any indication, that is gonna be a right barn burner of a hootenanny.
Hawke: ....you took the words right out of my mouth.
Trekker again goes to the Vulcan bank, because it seems to be highly effective, only for Cruise to counter into a spinout jawbreaker. Cruise starts to go for a WIPEOUT '18, but Trekker turns it into a neck snapping EnsignLock (school boy) for one, two, two and a half. Cruise starts to turn it into another one of the freaky submission holds that he picked up while catching the waves in Puerto Escondido, Oaxaca but Trekker puts the breaks on. Simon goes for a few other stretches, but growing in confidence Trekker manages to block these attempts. Cruise shoots in for a WIPEOUT '22, but Trekker manages to counter with a classic Kirk-fu kneelift. That gets one. Really not having a choice but to expand her arsenal in big title fights, Trekker busts out a new move, hitting the Wesley Crusher '91 for one, two, th-foot in the ropes. Climbing to the second turnbuckle, Trekker leaps off with a Red Shirt Splash - but Cruise rolls out of the way, so Trekker lands on her feet. As Cruise gets up, Trekker charges in with another Riker Maneuver - only for Simon to matrix under, leaving the referee to get taken out.
Hawke: Referee Amy Applewood taken out by a methodically paced leg lariat.
Stokes: I once saw a man climb over a chair like that - it was the darnest thing I ever saw.
Hawke: Ref down - and a frustrated champion, goes to the corner and picks up her phaser!
Definitely a toy, the stun beams firing out of Trekker's futuristic gun are all in her head. Strongly believing that destroying the fantasy lives of schizophrenics isn't cool, and just generally being the most mellow dude on the Network, Cruise chooses to flip, cartwheel, and generally dodge these invisible shots. An HKW fan in the audience more familiar with Cruise's shtick, tosses him a hot pink boogie board.
Hawke: Cruise using a surfboard as a shield, "blocking" the phaser shots.
Stokes: He can't use that - its a foreign object!
Hawke: ...Your representative believes she has a gun.
Stokes: It's set on stun. STAR is an angel!
Working the ropes, Cruise leaps onto the middle ones to avoid a blast, then springboards to the next to avoid another. A final jump gets him to the top - where he's able to dive backwards, in midair Cruise climbs on top of his board, so that it looks like he's surfing when he drills the board into Trekker's head. Which is the first thing Amy Applewood sees when she comes too.
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: Simon starting to go for a cover, but the referee waving him off.
Simon Cruise: Whoa, why are you spazzing out, bro?
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match as a result of a disqualification, and STILL Junior Heavyweight Champion, PARAMOUNT+'S STAR TREKKER!!!!
Hawke: There you have it fans, referee Applewood ruling that the surfboard is an illegal object, and giving Trekker the DQ victory. An unfortunate finish to what was becoming a highly competitive defence.
Stokes: Another minute and Trekker would have phased him for the three count.
Hawke: Cruise arguing that he uses his board all the time in Hardkore World, who never have a problem with it-
Stokes: Apparently Dinosaur Bones is just more realistic than Hardkore World.
Hawke: Cheap shot, Tumbleweed. I for one think that Cruise did the HKW proud, and there was more than one time when he looked like he'd be the new champion.
Paramedics head to the ring to check on the champion, but when they lift Simon Cruise's surfboard - there is no one there.
Stokes: Where did STAR go?
MEANWHILE... IN A NEARBY AMBULANCE.
Still slipping in and out of consciousness from the beatdown delivered by the Oblivion Death Squad and Uzumaki respectively, Florida Man has a rude awakening when he rolls over in his gurney to find that a possibly concussed Star Trekker has transported next to him.
Florida Man: NOT AGAIN!
Flo's indignation is loud enough that Trekker comes too, is horrified to find FML laying next to her, and having some pretty grim flashbacks, pulls his sheet over her in modesty, before discovering that she is thankfully still clothed.
Florida Man: STOP TRYING TO MOLEST ME, YA DANG RAT!
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: STOP TRYING TO LAY YOUR EGGS IN ME, YOU GORN!
Florida Man: WHO YOU CALLING A GORN, YOU DOUBLE DANG GORN!
You could cut the sexual tension with a bat'leth, but Trekker would rather bury it in the gator's chest. Not having a bat'leth handy, she taps her communicator badge.
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: SCOTTIE, one to beam out, and I mean like yesterday!
Does the Trekker disappear into a stream of lights? Florida Man is tripping on PCP - so he'd say yes, regardless of whether the transporter works.
MEANWHILE... IN THE BONE SPIRE.
Stepping out from behind an ivory vestibule, Trekker finds herself on the top floor of City of Bones' City Hall. It is from this ivory tower that the Wizard of Bone guides the fate of Dinosaur Bones guts. It is also a good thing that the Paramount mascot arrived on this story, as the first forty floors are currently below tar. The peak looks like a cross between a sorcerer's lair, mad scientist's laboratory, and frustrated suburban Dad in the throws of a midlife crisis' man cave. A 100-inch flat screen television - crumbly powered by the gore mantis that are running on the wheel next to it - shows action from Hardkore World's Florida territory, while the red robed Wizard of Bone kicks back in a Lazy-E-boy and rages against it.
Wizard of Bone: CALL THAT A TOBOGGAN? WHO ARE THEY KIDDING?
The wizard spits at the screen.
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: Wow - you really hate this show.
Wizard of Bone (waving a claw at the screen): You have no idea-
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: In the 24th century, humanity has moved past such emotions-
The Wizard seems taken aback by the company, quickly putting his masked hood back on - only to soften when he notices who is in his presence.
Wizard of Bone: To what do I owe this honor-
Paramount+'s Star Trekker (tapping com badge): Coordinates must have been a little off.
Wizard of Bone (directing Trekker to a window): We have been having awful weather lately.
Walking over to the window, Trekker sees that the once sparkling City of Bone has been swallowed up by the sea of tar. Ten levels below them, a pirate restaurant galleon crashes into a large terrace that might have previously hosted official decrees to the masses below, but now looks more like a sledge covered wharf. No sooner does the ship make balcony ground - then a massive aquatic dinosaur, the Mosasaurus, feasts on it.
As the Rocky Mountain High disappears into the Mosasaurus' giant mouth - Trekker shudders, not seeing how anyone could survive the attack.
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: If not for the prime directive, I could have saved them.
Unless they plan on having new adventures inside another monster, this is how the Murder Hobos end.
MEANWHILE... IN THE TOKYO DOME.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, the following segment is brought to you by the ham lobby of America and pig farmers everywhere. Please welcome, from Pig, Kentucky. He weighs in at 495 pounds and stands at 6’2”. The Whole Damn Hog … Pork … DIRKMEYER!
“Fat” by Weird Al Yankovic hits the speakers. A huge man steps onto the stage wearing a singlet that is 2 sizes too small that says, "I'm gonna Pork you!" on the back and has an image of a ham sandwich on the front. He huffs and puffs for a minute to catch his breath as the song slowly builds to Weird Al in full fat suit and lyrics begin. Pork Dirkmeyer, the pride of Pig (that would be the deadly sin of pride), moves at a leisurely stroll out of the entranceway eating a 3 foot sub stuffed with pulled pork, bacon, ham, capicola, prosciutto, and fatback. With Mayo. He scarfs it down and is assisted up the ring steps where he stumbles through the ropes and lands on his back. He is rolled by the ref to the middle of the ring then struggles to stand.
Hawke: There is no way that is healthy …
Stokes: I don’t think that was ever the question. What is he here to say though?
Pork rises to his feet and brushes off his copious gut. He finishes his sandwich and holds up the microphone.
Pork Dirkmeyer: Good- *BEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLCHH!!!!!!*
Pork brings his fist to his mouth to cover it as his emission rocks the arena through the speakers.
Pork Dirkmeyer: Sorry, ‘scuse me. Ladies and gentlemen. I am here as a representative of both Hardkore World … and the fine folks that bring ham and bacon to your table. Collectively they are all saddened by the loss of one of their largest consumers … in both meanings of the word.
The Xtremetron flashes a montage of all the time DB ate all the pork … just all of it.
Pork Dirkmeyer: So in memory of the dearly departed dracolich, I am here to-
? ? ? ? ? ? ?: COR BLIMEY SOMEBODY SHUT THIS GALAH UP!
The opening thumping guitar and drum riff of "Unstoppable" by Disturbed hits the arena as an imitation sandstorm is created in the entranceway. After 10 seconds of storm, Aiden Merric emerges from the billowing sands chewing nicotine gum and wearing a smug ass smile on his face. He spits the gum and puts a patch on his arm before stretching and walking to the ring with a purpose. He nods along with the theme song as he jabbers with the crowd and keeps moving. He stalks around the ring to the far side and nods at the commentators before he rolls into the ring. He stands up and lets the crowd soak in the appearance from the Tapout Openweight Champion. He snatches the microphone with little trouble from the rotund man in front of him.
Aiden Merric: Really? This is supposed to be a WRESTLING event. NOMAD and I were all scheduled to be here for a bit of rizzing before the big event Supremacy … and we were told our time was cut because somebody paid for our slot. Now I can take that up with Cross about why his champion is being sidelined by the Valentines and the oinker fandom … or I can let him pursue his distraction, course of revenge, back in your home fed … and come here anyway. Ain’t sure if ya realize, I ain’t the best at following rules.
Pork Dirkmeyer: … You have my mic … how am I supposed to respond?
Aiden just stares at him … blinking vacantly.
Aiden Merric: Ya really that much of a dipstick? Not the full quid, eh? Alright let me put this in terms you understand. You are the little cold cuts that get put out before the main dish. Me? I’m the whole damn dinner.
Pork Dirkmeyer: No it’s the whole damn hog. And that’s me! Can I have my mic back? I’m being paid to promote this memorial from the pig purveyors to this redead dracolich…
Aiden laughs
Aiden Merric: Ah yes of course, where ARE my manners? What kind of bloke just interrupts and steals the talking stick. I DO apologize, my good bloke. Here, have your mic back.
Aiden launches at the immobile mountain of a man in front of him and clobbers him in the head with the microphone. He then sends a flurry of haymakers to the face of the portly pork in front of him. He backs him to the ropes then launches him across the ring with an Irish whip. Pork can’t stop his own momentum and hits the opposing ropes and is bounced back right into the Contract Fulfilled Clothesline from hell. Pork bounces off the mat and rolls onto his stomach. Aiden hauls him back to his feet and dusts him off. The Dirkmeyer Weiner just stands there under the force of inertia. Aiden laughs and picks up the microphone.
Aiden Merric: Sheilas and Blokes, let me clue you in to a little … addition to the card of Supremacy. See NOMAD and I were talking, and we were going to have a nice chat with all of ya. And talk about the kind of men we are. But the TLDR is that we … like … fighting. The thrill of a beatdown pull apart bar brawl. And so we have managed to … convince … the TAPOUT folks in charge, that they didn’t need Cross’s ok on this one since he is clearly emotionally compromised right now after losing his two titles. Our match … will have an added wrinkle, befitting the two fighters in the marquee.
Aiden reaches into his dungarees and pulls out some knuckle dusters, then into one of his pouches on his bandolier, and pulls out a small cowbell. And finally he reaches into a third pouch and retrieves a rope. He puts on the brass knucks and then puts the bell on the rope… and caves in Pork’s porky skull with the bell before tying the rope around his neck and pulling it tight. Dirkmeyer howls in pain, before going silent as the air is strangled out of him. Aiden finally uses the rope to pull the Pig Power Pugilist into a punch to the center of the skull. Blood sprays everywhere as Dirkmeyer drops to the mat.
Aiden Merric: YEEHAW! NOMAD VERSUS MAIN EVENT MERRIC, FOR THE TAPOUT OPENWEIGHT TITLE … MY TITLE … IN A TEXAS DEATH MATCH! Now can we get a cleanup on aisle 3? This side of fatback is gonna rot out here alone.
Aiden laughs and tosses the mic and knucks, leaving Pork “hog”tied as “Unstoppable” by Disturbed hits and the Tapout Openweight Champ rolls out of the ring and is escorted out of the arena by security as the medics tend to Dirkmeyer … they are going to need the elephant gurney …
Hawke: There you have it fans, despite the Fed Warfare moniker promising interpromotional action, the TOW specific offering promises to be something special.
Stokes: You said it Joey, and with both participants being from Tap Out, it's the one match that Bones can't win. Good thinking on Recoba's part, and more power to Merric.
Hawke: You certainly sound confident.
Stokes: I'm humble as pie. Just saying', it is a real testament to Bonsey's popularity that despite him sinking into oblivion, the federation that bears his names now controls two thirds of the Network straps! ...And come Supremacy, just wait for this A.R. 'Bishy Bot to make it three for three!
Hawke: Pride comes before the fall.
Stokes: What is that supposed to mean?
Hawke: DB still has to get to Supremacy with its current titles intact, and the team of Bud Lightbeer and Mu-
Stokes: That's not their name.
Hawke: ........The Glorious Reign of Supremia King Edmund IV Euphoria Experience...
Stokes: It's a real mouthful, ain't it?
Hawke: ...Have got their work cut out for them facing former champions tonight in J-RoK's Off the Wagon.
Stokes: OtW's Quake coming off a real nasty encounter with Brendan Harding at their anniversary show .....hope it don't effect his performance tonight......
Hawke: Don't you worry about the challengers, they don't know the meaning of the word quit. Unless we're talking about AA.
XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
KING EDMUND THE FORTH, LONG MAY HIS GLORIOUS REIGN BRING PEACE AND HAPPINESS TO THE UNDESERVING CHILDREN OF THE EARTH (w/Mutt & Bud Lightbeer) (c) vs. OFF THE WAGON
The camera cuts to ringside where a forth set of paramedics help remove Dirkmeyer - before panning up to Jenkins in the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, has a one hour time limit - and is for the XHF Tag Team Championship!
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first, the challengers, representing J-RoK and sponsored by the good people at Super Saki - drink responsibly - please welcome Kris "Triple Quake" Quake and "The Corn Snake" Randy Angel - SUPER SAKI PRESENTS OFF THE WAGON!!!!!!
As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd but whatever, this match is gonna start soon!
Hawke: Usually on commentary, its rare for Randy Angel to challenge for titles at global events...
Stokes: Glad I could be of service.
Hawke: Even though this is a Bones show, the Japanese crowd far more familiar with the challengers as staples of the Network's affiliate J-RoK and showing their support.
Stokes: Outrageous! I bet if we held this show in Supremia, the champs would be getting the proper BONES respect.
Hawke: Why didn't Supremia host this event?
Stokes: Shoot Joey, Geography ain't my strong suit.
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponent - the undisputed sovereign of Supremia, whose presence causes the peasants to weep tears of joy, a river of happiness that the unwashed masses then throw themselves into like it was an active volcano that the crops depended on, so as not to get his immaculate feet wet with their pleasure- King Edmund IV The Greatest! ........accompanied by his indentured servants Mutt and Bud Lightbeer....... he is the XHF Tag Champions!
Stepping through the back curtains, Mutt unrolls a red carpet all the way up the aisle... then runs back to the entranceway, where he throws fistfuls of rose petals at the ground. The Supremia manservant would like to pocket a few of the petals to eat later, but he knows that his liege has people who count them. What a great job that would be. As “Preliator” by Globus plays over the loud speakers, King Edmund IV steps out to a heroes welcome - he's sure, the acoustics in this quaint venue just aren't worthy of his blue blood hearing. Coming out last, Bud Lightbeer has found a way around the audience not appreciating underground Indy wrestling.... a beer canon. Strapped around his neck, Bud fires cans of light beer into the audience. Due to the language barrier, the Japanese fans don't know it's light beer, and cheer like they were getting good beer. Naturally Edmund believes the cheers are for him, and waves to the proletarians.
Hawke: Unbelievable.
Stokes: I don't cotton to highfalutin royal blood lines, I'm a simple cowpoke of the west... but that King Edmund IV is the greatest.
Hawke: Well, all that Network support towards The End was going to have some serious consequences. Truly we are living in the most Supremia timeline.
Stokes: Finally a monarch that speaks to me.
As the competitors are deciding who will start, Randy wants Edmund. Idiot. The Monarch turns his back on the rabble, letting his serfs deal with it.
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: Randy Angel and Mutt starting it off, trading shots. ...By which I mean punches.
Stokes: The alcoholics might be known for their Hobo Fight brawling antics in that Japanese death match federation, but they haven't seen one dimensional desperation like Mutt who gives as good as he gets!
Hawke: Blood flowing, and they are really going at it. Wait- on the apron, Kris Quake discovers half a whopper.
Stokes: It's funny how Burger King grub just magically appears whenever you're three sheets to the wind, David Hasselhoff style.
Hawke: Quake offering Mutt the partially chewed burger to take a dive.
Stokes: The indignity! What kind of low down varmint do they take Mutt for?
Mutt pulls Randy on top of him! ONE! TWO! King Edmund IV expresses his displeasure with Mutt, who promptly lets go of the pin.
Hawke: That was close.
Stokes: I'm a little disappointed in Mutt, but you know what? Hunger can drive folks to extremes, it's kind of the BONES business model. So in a lot of ways, Mutt really is the poster boy of the promotion.
Hawke: Be that as it may, Bud Lightbeer tagging himself in-
King Edmund IV makes Mutt self-flagellate and reflect on his selfishness, while the monarch contemplates next year's food allotments. In the ring, Randy tags in Quake. Noticing all the Super Sake merchandise, Bud softens - offering a handshake and explaining they are in the same booze mascot game. Off the Wagon seems skeptical until Bud brings a case of beer into the ring - offering them samples. The referee tells Randy to go back to his corner, but the prospect of free alcohol is too sweet a siren song. Both members of Off the Wagon knocks back some brewskis - and then not getting their buzz on, knock back some more... soon the shoe case is finished. That Bud Lightbeer sure is a swell fella. Randy and Kris warm up to the self-proclaimed Indy legend so much, that they almost give him some Super Sake........ only they are saving it for later.
Stokes: Edmund should keep a closer eye on his subjects, Bud sure seems chummy with the enemy.
Hawke: Mutual respect being shown on account of their common interest-
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy suddenly throws up blood. Grabbing his stomach, he starts spasming on the canvas. Poison? Worse - in between violent belches of gore, Randy picks up one of the empty Budlight cans. Unless his double vision deceives him... 4.2 percent alcohol? They might as well be drinking water! Raising a blood soaked hand, Randy tries to warn Quake not to consume any more of the vile substance. Quake sees what bad shape Randy is in, and hears his dire warnings... but he also has a can of alcohol in his hand. He's not NOT going to drink it. Downing another, Quake too starts projectile vomiting blood - a stream steady enough to cover the first four rows of the audience. Bud Lightbeer tries to assure the closest camera, and anyone that will listen, that Budd isn't rat poison, and that Off the Wagon are having an extreme reaction due to being horrible people. His argument has merit, but the Japanese audience don't look convinced.
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Randy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kris: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Trying to put them out of their misery before they start bleeding out of both ends, Bud Lightbeer begins to kick them in the heads. Still whipping himself, Mutt joins his partner in attempting to euthanize their pained opponents.
Stokes: I'm honestly glad we had a beverage related mishap, the show was missing the consumable based contests that Bonsey loved.
Hawke: The challengers appear to have evacuated all the offending substances from their bodies, and are now taking exception to being kicked, firing back with lefts and rights.
Stokes: It's a real donnybrook! Fists flying, guys trying not to stagger into pools of sick.
As the referee tries to get a handle on the action, King Edmund IV grows concerned that his underlings aren't representing his brand to the best of his abilities and calls Mutt over - leaving Lightbeer to get double teamed. The King hands Mutt a can of mystery meat, and tells him to make Lightbeer eat it. This is more food than Mutt has seen in the past six years, and liable more than he'll see in the next six - but he daren't disappoint his ruler again. As the referee escorts Randy back to the corner, while Quake follows pleading their case, Mutt stalks to a downed Lightbeer and shoves the food into his mouth. Like An American Werewolf in London, Bud Lightbeer transforms into Basic Goat the Mongo Destroyer! The transformation is quite traumatic.
Basic Goat the Mongo Destroyer: BAAAAAAAH!
What a secret weapon. ...Only the goat doesn't seem happy with its existence. It's very hard to get a hoof in his throat, but the Goat somehow manages to induce vomiting to hack up the mystery meat. No sooner does the questionable substance leave his system, than BASIC turns back into Bud Lightbeer. While this painful process goes down, it would be a good time for the challengers to capitalize, but they suddenly get a SHINING.
Randy: Quake... do you feel that?
Kris: One of our fans needs us!
Nodding in unison, the duo bails out of the ring.
Referee Anso Silvesti: Where are you going - the match is still going on!
Randy: No one loves the world tag titles more than us.......
Kris: ....but our fans come first!
Like a pair of super heroes, the dynamic drinking duo leave the ring, searching for the Off the Wagon fan that is in trouble.
Hawke: ....Did that Light beer rob them of what few senses remained?
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match as a result of a count out, and still tag team champions, the team of King Edmund IV ...featuring Mutt and Bud Lightbeer!
Stokes: Was there ever any doubt? DINOSAUR BONES, we're not just tasty!
Hawke: Champions beating the more seasoned team by count out. I question what Off the Wagon would prioritize over the belts, but I'm sure its vitally important. In the mean time, Edmund's team will continue on to Supremacy to defend against Dana "The Drone" Daniels and Ulysses Cole... and if what we've seen is any indication-
Stokes: May God have mercy on those trainees souls.
Hawke: ....Something like that.
King Edmund IV: Now for allowing you to bask in my glory, return my property peasant.
As per their arrangement to tag, Bud Lightbeer reaches into one of his empty cartons and produces the Supremia Stone. He starts to hand it to Edmund, but the carton costume is rather awkward and he drops it. Mutt dives for the falling jewel... only to come just short. It lands hard, bounces, doesn't shatter, then rolls to the King's feet. Scrambling, Mutt retrieves it, dusting it off before presenting it to his liege.
Bud Lightbeer: What is the deal with that stone, anyway?
King Edmund IV: Well you see...
MEANWHILE.... ONE YEAR EARLIER.
Supremia's Civil Defence R&D department. It is mostly pitchforks and slingshots, but one area looks incredibly futuristic. They must be pilling the annual food budget into a freelance developer.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: The Size-O-Ray has been completed.
The mad scientist presents a shrinking gun to King Edmund IV.
King Edmund IV: Who needs nuclear weapons, when I can fit the world in the palm of my hand.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I am glad it pleases you, now there is just the minor detail of my fee.
King Edmund IV: Know your place peasant! This will cut you down to size!
Turning the Size-O-Ray on Doofenshmirtz, the King fires at the doctor - only to miss... hitting the ground instead. Suddenly the ground starts shaking, making it even harder for Edmund to get a clean shot - but he tries anyway.
SMASH CUT. The duo flee as the country of Supremia shrinks down to a diamond the size of a fist. Having destroyed his homeland, King Edmund IV sits on a raft in the middle of the English Channel, made out of the Supremia secret police. On an opposite raft made out of hamsters, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz collects the country stone.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Your highness, the Angry Mad Chemists need new wheels. I trust you won't object to honouring our contract in exchange for-
King Edmund IV (firing the size-O-ray again, and causing a hamster to explode): My government doesn't negotiate with terrorists Or creditors!
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Very well, I will just get the necessary funds by selling this stone on eBay.
King Edmund IV (raising a hand): WAIT... don't use the buy it now feature... it's so lower class.
MEANWHILE... BACK IN THE PRESENT.
Bud Lightbeer: So you put in a low bid, and someone else bought your country.
King Edmund IV: What is this The Hague? I'm not on trial here! The important thing is after all this time, Supremia is mine once more-
Bud Lightbeer: So that's a country.... I hope I didn't hurt anyone when I dropped it.
King Edmund IV (shrug): Less mouths to feed. Now Mutt, the size ray - this time we'll make Supremia bigger than Asia.
Mutt sheepishly shrugs.
King Edmund IV: You abject failure. What do you mean you don't have it? MORON. Where did you last see it?
No.
King Edmund IV: Not another expedition into that foul beast!
As the Supremians contemplate a second expedition into the now tar logged Dinosaur Bones, Bud Lightbeer remembers the purpose of his tag title run, and walks up to the nearest camera.
Bud Lightbeer: Folks, if I can be serious for a moment, I'd like to draw your attention to a pressing humanitarian issue - the crisis in the La Brea Tar Pit-
MEANWHILE... ON THE FORTIETH FLOOR TERRACE OF THE BONE SPIRE.
The tar continues to rise - with wooden scraps of the Rocky Mountain High washing up onto the terrace, suggesting that it is only a question of an hour before the fiftieth floor peak is also submerged in the foul black ooze.
A large form in the sea of black bubbles up, the Mosasaurus circling the spire, just waiting for the liquid to rise so it can consume the last of BONES' citizens.
Reaching his one working arm into the ooze, the hooded figure known as Scratch pulls Miles Drucker out of the ooze, dragging him to the rest of the Murder Hobo Express. Leaving the reporter next to an exhausted Marmaduke, Scratch limps back to the edge... fishing out Venöm, then his wheelchair.
Miles Drucker (coughing up ooze): What... happened...
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: He... he saved us... got us all out... again.
Scratch (exhausted but pushing Venöm in the chair to the rest of the crew with his one good arm): We... we still can make it out... all... of us... we have too.
All of the hobos safe, Scratch finally succumbs, falling to his side.
Lili (trying to wipe sludge from his fur): 这是你第五次拯救我们了——你是怎么来到这里的?
Kudor: Naunaunauuan.
Scratch: Me? ...I suppose it was around ze time of ze Rumble.
The emaciated, one-armed Serbian draws back his hood.
Scratch: ...My wife wanted me to retire, focus on life outside ze ring... but I had one last tag title shot with Dylan. Ze Super Frenemies. ...feels like a lifetime ago. We had put so much time into zat partnership, zat I felt like I needed to see it zrough... give it my best shot, if it didn't work out? Zat would be my last match. With no interest in ze Rumble, I decided to help Copycat instead. ...A week before ze event, I heard a knock at my front door... I assumed it was Copycat, looking to train... so I didn't check my security cam.... ze door opened... only I was greeted by ze smell of chloroform, a rag shoved into my face. I fought back, but still rehabbing injuries (points to broken arm) from my last X*Crown championship, it was a one sided affair, and I soon lost consciousness. ....When I woke up, I was (waving working hand in the air) here.
The Final Boss turns his pained expression to greet the contemptuous stares of the Murder Hobos.
Zoran Sainovic: ...You say zis is Bones? Zen someone knocked me out and fed me to ze monster. My family doesn't know... and if ze culprit is who I zink it is... zey are in danger, and I must protect zem. ...In my current state, zat is a problem, but together... we can do zis. Please help me.
Venöm: PLEASE. You people aren't buying this horse shit? He's lying. All he ever does is lie! His only reason for living seems to be swerving people! You want us to sympathize Zoran, nice try, but even if Bones ate us, there is only one monster here.
Träcy (trying to calm her husband): He saved your life.
Venöm: As a long con!
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Right before I was eaten, I remember him turning over a new leaf.
Venöm: Well it was rotten!
Miles Drucker: I believe him. My reporter's instincts. Besides we'd all be dead right now without Zoran.
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Ending Z.
"Hear that, we're all okay, you're gonna make it..."
The group looks further down the terrace to find Wiley Sharp on his knees, cradling the Minotaur.
Wiley Sharpe: So just hang in there, Min.
The Minotaur has been bitten in half. Still conscious, because he's a Minotaur, the beast reaches down to the lower half of his body, trying to hand his friend some delicious bull testicles.
Wiley Sharpe: No, we're gonna patch you up... you are gonna need those for all the lady Minotaurs... Min... MIN...?
Having placed the testicles in Wiley's hand, the Minotaur stops moving. Barely able to fight back the tears, Wiley Sharp stares up at the heavens - or stomach ceiling.
Wiley Sharpe (blubbering): As God is my witness... I swear... I promise you, Min... I'LL NEVER EAT ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS AGAIN!
A somber tone washes over the beaten Murder Hobos. Then the black ooze starts to splash in closer, tar level rising again. The Mosasaurus circling the spire again, moving in for another land attack.
Zoran Sainovic: ...If you'll have me... I zink it's time we met ze (looking at the top of the tower) final boss.
The Murder Hobo Express turn to the terrace doors, just as they're opened by...
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: YOU.
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: Good to see you-
The established pacifist sucker punches Trekker right in her self-righteous Federation nose.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: A lot of good people would still be with us if you'd just used the skull when you had the chance!
Paramount+'s Star Trekker (holding nose): I can see you don't appreciate the greater good that the Prime Directive provides us, so I'll just come back when your in a communicative mood. (slapping chest) SCOTTIE, one to beam-
Wait, where did Trekker's com badge go?
Paramount+'s Star Trekker (looking around on the ground): Where did I put that-
The closest thing the XHF has to a saint once again sucker punches Trekker.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: DON'T IGNORE ME.
XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
PARAMOUNT+'S STAR TREKKER (c) vs. HARSH WINTER PILGRIM
Star Trekker retreats into the spire, chased by a raging pilgrim who has run out of cheeks to turn. With the Mosasaurus fast approaching, the rest of the Murder Hobo Express follow them into the temporary safety of the citadel. All but one...
Marmaduke Matters: Hurry Wiley!
Wiley Sharpe (laying the minotaur down): You go on ahead... me and that fish have some unfinished business.
Marmaduke Matters: BUT-
No, Double M nods. Having made a vow, clearly Sharpe doesn't want to live in a world where he can't constantly feast on Rocky Mountain Oysters. Marmaduke closes the terrace door to slow the rising flood, watching as Wiley charges towards the oncoming sea monster. Inside, Harsh Winter Pilgrim ad Trekker continue to throw objects at one another, while the rest of the Hobos have their hands tied with hostile Bone Priests.
MEANWHILE... BACK AT THE TOKYO DOME.
Stokes: What is THAT doing here?
UrsusLa the man-eating GUNS bear sits in the centre of the ring - which has been cleaned of blood, vomit, and budlight. Mostly. The bear is sharpening its claws on a pole.
Hawke: You don't like the bear?
Stokes: I've heard she has people roaming around inside of her. Clearly stealing Bones bit! Who needs that cheap knockoff?
Hawke: Didn't you book a Phoenix title match?
Stokes: Yeah, Fury is good people, but that there bear? GUNS can keep her.
Hawke: The last time we saw UrsusLa was at End of Days when she ate Mrs. Wombat - the widow of the late Wombat, who was consumed by Bones while looking for her.
Stokes: Yeah, Wombat's wife said that Bones eating people was make believe. What a loon. Guess she pushed her "animals don't eat people" theory a little too far.
Hawke: ...And the phoenix title was eaten by the bear at the same time.
Stokes: ...oh.
Hawke: So if you want Fury to defend the title... and against her... the bear was going to show up.
Stokes: ..........don't mean I have to like it.
Referee Frankie Fudd consults wth Bonnie Jenkins on the outside. Do they start the match, or call animal control to escort the beast out?
Hawke: And we've been joined by Magnus.
Magnus: Great to be here, my thanks to Dinosaur Bones for hosting this Phoenix match - where I have no doubt that Mrs. Wombat will return from the dead, defeated my muscular ex-husband, win the championship, and go on to defend it on the first show of our FIFTH SEASON - coming soon.
Stokes: I hear mighty fine things about the new season, that must be taking a heap of work, I'm surprised you could join us.
Magnus: Tumbleweed, you have a bear in the ring - I didn't have a choice. Now where is everyone?
Stokes: That's what I'd like to know.
In the ring, UrsusLa starts to dry heave - then suddenly a leg emerges from her mouth.
Magnus: I'd know that boot.
Soon followed by another. Before Magnus can thank God that Fury has been digested, and UrsusLa is just regurgitating his corpse like a cat - the "Buckeye Bruiser" emerges unscathed.
Magnus: Damn it.
Redmond Fury (one arm still in UrsusLa's mouth): It took over two months... but I successfully brought her home.
With a yank, Fury pulls Mrs. Wombat out of the bear's mouth. She still has the Phoenix title strapped around her waist.
Mrs. Wombat: I... I don't know what to say, Redmond.
Redmond Fury: Say, that despite what has gone on with your husband, that you'll use this second lease on life to go home... your children miss you.
Mrs. Wombat: ...Red... (furrows brow) And let that worthless husband of mine live it up on the road again?
Without warning, Mrs. Wombat cracks Fury across the temple with the Phoenix knocking him down.
GUNS XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
Redmond Fury (c) vs MRS. WOMBAT
As soon as Fury hits the canvas, Mrs. Wombat makes the pin. 1. 2. 3 - kickout.
UrsusLa: RAWR!
The large grizzly bear voices her displeasure, and continues to sit in the middle of the ring.
Magnus: You've got this, Wombat!
Mrs. Wombat hits Fury over the head with the title again. The referee should probably disqualify the widow, but she scares him. Plus with a bear in the ring, it is hard to argue which rulebook to follow. Another title shot is followed by another pin. 1. 2. 3-shoulder up.
Hawke: Fury didn't see the initial attack coming, he's very trusting, and the lady Wombat not letting up.
Magnus: Good for her - just the kind of fighting spirit you can expect from season-
Catching the next belt shot, Fury whips Mrs. Wombat up in the air like laundry before bringing her back down to the canvas. It is forceful, dominating, but clearly done in a manner to avoid causing harm. Using his superior strength, Fury forces the pin. 1. 2. 3.
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: I came all the way to Japan for this?
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match, and STILL XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION, THAT BUCKEYE BRUISER - REDMONDDDDDDDD FUUUUURY!!!!!
Hawke: Well on his way to beating his previous record as longest title holder-
Magnus: Insufferable.
Stokes: Who will Fury be defending against on the season premier?
Magnus: I don't want to talk about it!
"HONEY!"
La Authentico Wombat staggers out of the back, wearing rags from his past six months inside Dinosaur Bones.
Mrs. Wombat: Lenny? YOU SON OF A BITCH!
La Authentico Wombat (staggering down aisle): I am SO glad to see you- you don't know how...
Redmond Fury positions himself out of the way to allow dialogue, but near the ropes to stop any potential domestic abuse. UrsusLa is still annoyed. As L.A. Wombat makes his way down, Mrs. Wombat holds the Phoenix title, reading it as a weapon.
Mrs. Wombat: You disappear for a year and its all "I was inside a bear," then you work for GUNS every holiday, because God forbid Magnus lets his workers spend time with their families. I finally take a vacation for ME, and do you pick up the slack? No! You go on a trip with your buddies to Dinosaur Bones.
La Authentico Wombat: I was trying to save you, hon!
Mrs. Wombat: Yeah, right you louse- everyone knows Bones is just a guy in a suit.
La Authentico Wombat: It's just like the bear, I swear. Honey, you got to believe me. I searched everywhere for you... and when I found you weren't there, I moved mountains to get back her... ran through alien briars... swam through lava... crawled through singing spikes... flew on man-eating bees... but no matter what Bones through at me, it was torture... cause you ween't there.
The malevolent shrew softens.
Mrs. Wombat: Oh Lenny...
La Authentico Wombat: Now let's go on another adventure.
Mrs. Wombat: What about the kids?
La Authentico Wombat: Magnus can watch them another week.
Magnus: Now hold on-
The estranged couple start running towards this long awaited reunion.
Magnus: We have a new season, Valentine's Day is coming up!
Unfortunately the agitated grizzly thinks that Mrs. Wombat is trying to attack Redmond Fury, and once again eats her and the Phoenix title.
La Authentico Wombat (watching his wife be eaten by a bear): AAAAAH!
Everyone Else: AAAAAH!
Wombat looks a little upset.
Redmond Fury: Don't worry pal... I've got this. (getting ready to dive back into UrsusLa's mouth) Happens all the time...
Rather than be reassured by the muscular man's promises to rescue his wife, Wombat starts to shake.
Redmond Fury: Uh oh.
Magnus: This isn't good.
Stokes: It's the circle of life.
Magnus: That's not what I mean-
Redmond Fury: STAY WITH ME PAL-
The Buckeye Bruiser tries to calm down his friend, but it's too late. The kind XHF legend that wouldn't harm a fly, La Authentico Wombat, is once again turned into the conduit of the demonic entity known as...
Magnus: IT'S VENOM!
Demonic Venom: YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!
Magnus: See! It's like he's here with us.
Hawke: Wait, I thought it turned out that Venom was still alive, and the evil spirit was just a ruse?
Magnus: That was BEFORE Venom was eaten by SOMEONE'S PET DINOSAUR-
Stokes: Blame the victim-
Magnus: Bones ate Venöm, my business partner is clearly dead which is part of why GUNS Season 5 is abroad, his soul is clearly in hell, and just popped in to take over Wombat's body again.
Demonic Venom: I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!
The horrific ghoul now looks more like Venom than Wombat, and floats up into the ring.
HANDICAP MATCH
BEAR WITH ME (Redmond Fury & UrsusLa) vs. DEMONIC VENOM
The best wrestlers that GUNS has to offer are no match the damned enhancement talent who tears them to ribbons with his kandorian demon claws.
Magnus: I've dreamed of this day... but not like this.
Hawke: I would think you'd relish seeing your EX manhandled like this.
Magnus: If Fury can't stop him, who can? HE'LL BE AFTER US NEXT-
Hawke: Can no one stop Venom?
Suddenly there is a mass of cheers.
The crowd lose their shit.
Hawke: He wouldn't-
Magnus: NO!
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
You say I need psychotherapy
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arm outstretched, the hand just slightly crackling with electricity.
If you want a battle, I'll give you a war
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dylan Black stands on the entranceway.
Hawke: It can't be.
Stokes: I don't believe it-
Hawke: I thought he was done- well this explains why J-RoK didn't immediately put him in the Hall of Fame!
Stokes: And from the crowd's reaction, no one in the Tokyo Dome believed for a second that he was responsible for last year- just listen to them.
The cheers are deafening.
Magnus: I never thought I'd be glad to see him, but if ANYONE can handle Venom, it's his eternal rival!
Hawke: Dylan Black, THE HERO WE NEED, heading down to confront the Demonic Venom-
XHF DREAM MATCH
DYLAN BLACK vs. DEMONIC VENOM
As Black reaches ringside, Venom leaps over the top rope with claws extended-
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAST.
On the forty-fifth floor of Bone Spire, the Murder Hobos come across a lavish feasts - the Wizard's dining room. Most are too busy trying to get revenge on Trekker, or battling for their lives against koolaid drinking Bone Priests, but 'Al Cole Hall can't help but lick his lips at the sight of some super sake.
Al has been pretty dry since the whole ocean of tar situation started... and that super sake would really hit the spot.
Pulling up a chair, Al helps himself to cool glass of premium sake. Then grabs a fistful of chicken. The Wizard was clearly hoarding all the good food-
'Al Cole Hall: Urk.
Clutching his throat, 'Al starts to choke on the chicken. So dry. He tries to wash it down with more sake, but the bird is so lodged it just splashes out. Hall tries to flag down Harsh Winter Pilgrim for help, but the considerate pacifist is too busy swinging a morning star at Trekker. Suddenly two figures approach from behind.
Randy Angel and Kris Quake play Rock Paper Scissors to see who will help.
Randy Angel: Best two out of three?
As 'Al Cole Hall is turning green, Quake refuses Randy's request for a rematch and performs the Heimlich maneuver - forcing Hall to spit up the chicken. While the federation has mostly been about consumption, this adventure apparently focuses on expulsion.
'Al Cole Hall (panting): Huff. huf.... wow... OFF THE WAGON, you saved me!
Kris Quake: We're always there for our fans.
Randy Angel: Remember to always chew thirty two times.
'Al Cole Hall: I understand.
Randy Angel: Knowing is half the battle.
GO OTW!
Kris Quake: Well if you're alright, we'll be on our way. Super Sake won't promote itself.
'Al Cole Hall: Thanks again!
Off the Wagon exit. Braining a Bone Priest, Marmaduke Matters checks on 'Al Cole Hall.
Marmaduke Matters: You alright, 'Al? There will be time to drink later.
'Al Cole Hall: Duke! You missed it, OTW were here!
Marmaduke Matters: Really-
'Al Cole Hall: Yeah, they stopped me from choking. What great guys.
Marmaduke Matter: ....hang on, you're serious? How did they get here - and how are they getting out?
"Al Cole Hall: ...I forgot to ask.
GRUDGE MATCH
MARMADUKE MATTERS vs. 'AL COLE HALL
Wrapping his hands around the Off the Wagon super fan's throat, Double M starts to throttle the recovering alcoholic.
MEANWHILE.... AT THE TOKYO DOME.
The audience are SPENT.
Hawke: That was the greatest thing I have ever seen.
Stokes: I will never wash these eyes again.
Hawke: I may have to retire from broadcasting. Wrestling is broken for me. How can I commentate in a world where I KNOW I will never watch anything as bloody, intense, technically masterful, passionate, fluid, PURE or flat out as good... as Black Venom again?
Stokes: I'll take over your global commentating, Joey, I'm used to living with regret.
Hawke: Thanks Tumbleweed.
Stokes: And I can die happy having witnessed that breathtaking spectacle.
Hawke: Fans, be sure to tell your friends and families to order the repeat of tonight's broadcast, which was all solid, but JUST for the glory that is Black Venom.
Stokes: Don't get their hopes up. That will be edited out of the broadcast... never to be seen again.
Hawke: But why?
Stokes: It was too good, the wrestling equivalent of an oldy time religious experience... not meant for mortal eyes.
Hawke: Too true.
As it dawns on the excited answers that its all downhill from here - life - they take a moment to collect themselves.
Hawke: Well fans thanks for joining-
Stokes: Hang on Joey, we still have the main event.
Hawke: What could possibly follow the holy grail we just witnessed?
Stokes: The only thing that could possibly follow it... a snake wrestling a dog.
Joey does a spit take.
Hawke: Why would you close with that?
Stokes: Two reasons. Wrestling doggies are special attractions, like bears, dwarves, or women. It's got that sideshow hooha that all them kids like on their ticktocks. Let's folks know its an event.
Hawke: If you say so...
Stokes: And besides. You ever hear of Triple V working the undercard? I put Vile anywhere but the main event, and he'd skin me alive. Seriously. I'd be a coat. ...A nice duster I imagine, with double breasted inline pockets for your nicknacks and whatnots. Quality craftsmanship, none of that Philippine sweat shop single's stitch work. Yeah, 32theV is a heck of a guy.
Hawke: Um, the person working in Hardkore Florida, isn't the Vincent Viper you know.
Stokes: Sure he is, professional wrestling equivalent of Beelzebub... a little more Satanic than Venom... short guy, talks with a lisp?
Hawke: Definitely not the same.
Stokes: ...Yeah, no one else would dare use his name. Marty Donovan must really have it in for that doggie. Should be one heck of a contest.
HKW FLORIDA HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
ACE (c) vs. Vile Vince Viper XIV
Hawke: Well fans its the heavyweight title from Hardkore World's Florida territory, don't let the fact that they weren't given a Supremacy X slot fool you - I'm assured that it is a real federation.
Stokes: Network brass were probably just worried the doggie would run circles around his tail, instead of Curtis D. Kanyon. There is a certain Psychotic Goth professional polish... but I have a feeling this match will make them regret their elitist decision.
Hawke: Oh, I'm sure this match will make us all regret a number of things, Tumbleweed.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is scheduled for one fall, is for the HKW Florida championship, and has a two hour time limit because THERE MUST BE A WINNER!
Hawke: That is a shame. Time limit draw is about the only non-finish we haven't seen tonight... oh no... is this going two hours?
Stokes: Don't worry, Joey. It'd only take Vile two hours to go through the pooch if he had to wait in line at the veterinarian to have the animal put to sleep... and Vile ain't that kind.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first, the champion, standing at 2'2", and weighing in at 88lbs - he comes to us from Naples, Florida - please give a warm XHF welcome to Florida Man's faithful dog, ACCCCCCCCCCCE!!!!!!!!!
Up on the entrance ramp, a member of the ring crew places a hoola hoop upright on a stand. After a few seconds of playing with a lighter, the crew member sets the hoop on fire! Within moments of the blaze, a dark shadow bounds out of the back curtains and leaps through the flaming ring! It's a derelict whose five sheets to the wind! It's a surprisingly hairy child with developmental problems! NO! It's Florida Man's trusty canine, ACE! As George Clinton's "Atomic Dog" pumps over the PA system, the German Sheppard races down the aisle like it had been trained to bite the nuts off intruders to the ring.
Hawke: The champion coming out first?
Stokes: It's a doggie, Joey. I think its mighty impressive he came out at all. I don't even want to know how much steak the crew rubbed on the ring.
Hawke: I know the XHF has a lot of bears, but I just want to say for the record, I am very uncomfortable with the implied animal violence that ACE represents.
Stokes: Exactly. Special attraction! Remind me not to tell you about the working conditions on Milo and Otis, these Japanese fans are very open minded.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent...
Bonnie Jenkins: The man, the myth, the legend... Vile "Vince" Viperrrrrrr- Fourteen!
The audience start crowding around the guardrails in anticipation of the next performer. Fond or not, the hall of famer is one of their earliest memories of wrestling. How long has he been doing this? Many of them were shocked the old man hadn't retired, or died, let alone was appearing in such a small outfit as HKW:F'd... so actually seeing him perform is quite the novelty. A sea of ancient merch clearly acquired on ebay to be autographed this evening - from giant foam gloves, to those plushies that were choking hazards - lines the aisle. So the crowd looks visible confused when the Teddybears' "Cobrastyle" starts blasting out of the PA system. Ray Bryant pulls back the curtains, for a teenager in a scaley onesie to worm out on the ground.
Skip Mercer: Ssss... imma snake!
Yes this cheap knockoff... is a teenager in a scaley onesie. Confusion soon leads to hatred, as the crowd notices the 14 in graphics package- feeling suckered by this obvious imposter. Oblivious to the negative reaction, the 14th person to use the Vile Vince Viper gimmick, hops around trying to work the crowd. They throw shit at him. Making matters worse, this Viperteer thinks the boos are because he's breaking character, and decides to act more like a snake... crawling even slower.
Stokes: Wait, did Vile somehow find the fountain of youth, and revert back to his more juvenile fourteen-year-old self? Why has he been holding out on me? To be fourteen again!
Hawke: No, it's clearly a ripoff.
Stokes: ...but that's suicidal.
Finally arriving at ringside, Skip's manager sits at the timekeeper's table, while Mercer shakes hands with ACE, and pets him for knowing how to shake.
Stokes: Someone stop this nonsense!
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: There's the bell.
Ace licks VVV's face.
Skip Mercer: Hahahahahaha- he's tickling me!
Raymond Bryant: Keep your game face on, Skip!
Stokes: No good can come of this...
Hawke: You think?
A glass of water on the announcer's desk starts to vibrate. Faint at first, but then harder as something big draws near...
Hawke: Viper throwing a stick, playing catch with Ace.
Stokes: Jesus H. Christ!
Suddenly a fifteen foot tyrannosaurus rex robot that looks suspiciously like Grimlock - the Dinobot, not Steve Awesome - burst through entranceway.
Stokes: YES! I knew if I held this show he'd return. Welcome Back BONSEY!
Hawke: Have your eyes checked, Stokes, it's a robot!
MECHA Dinosaur Bones: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - sound of a fax machine - AAAAAA!!!
Giant mechanical eyes stare daggers at the ring. Steam shoots out of its nose. The ground vibrates with each massive step, as the robot dinosaur starts to lumber down the aisle.
Stokes: He doesn't look happy.
Hawke: Someone use dog food to lure Ace out of here, otherwise-
The robot attacks the ring.
MAIN EVENT
THREE-WAY-DANCE
MECHA DINOSAUR BONES vs. ACE vs. VILE VINCE VIPER 14
Skip Mercer tries to leap out of the ring, but the large robot gives chase.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BONE SPIRE.
From the windows, the Mosasaurus continues to circle. The tar is rising - only two floors below them, but the Murder Hobo Express has finally arrived at the top of the spire.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim (holding a flying guillotine with Trekker's name on it): SHOW YOURSELF, YOU FIEND!
Trekker knocks over a suit of armour, which falls on Harsh Winter Pilgrim pinning him to the floor.
Winner and STILL Junior Heavyweight Champion: Paramount+'s Star Trekker
Gained 20 EXP, 7 Skill Points, but Lost 5 Sanity Points.
LEVEL UP!
Became a LVL 2 Professional Wrestler! Learned "The Basics" (Wristlock, Waistlock, Small Package, Armdrag, Dropkick)
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: Calm down - we have more pressing matters. Without my com badge, I can't leave either!
The Murder Hobo Express lift the armour off of Pilgrim, who still looks ready to rightfully murder Trekker - but calmer heads prevail when they realize they've reached the top. Looking around, the crew find the Wizard with his back to them, watching XHF's Battle For Hegemony 5 on a giant monitor. A metal version of Dinosaur Bones is chasing a dog and a teenager.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Uh.. yeah... Brother Wizard?
The rest of the crew walk with him towards the monitor.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: We are sorry to interrupt your programs.... but we really could use a hand.
Wizard of Bone: ...
Television: "He almost stepped on him, run doggie!"
The pilgrim looks back at the rest of the crew, who urge him onward.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: You said that the skull could take us home? We have searched it for answers, brother - but have been found wanting. We were hoping you could show us the way-
Wizard of Bone: ...
Put off by the silent treatment of a man more interested in a stupid dog match than their safety, Pilgrim places a hand on the wizard's shoulder... only to have the ruler of Bone fall to the ground. THUD.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: What devilry is this?
The red cloak was propped up by a broom.
Marmaduke Matters: Where did that coward go?
Zoran Sainovic (watching the Mosasaurus circle closer): ...we're boned.
MEANWHILE... IN THE TOKYO DOME.
Skip crawls around the ring like a snake - slowly.
Mecha Dinosaur Bones stomps after the snake, slowly - its massive steps almost keeping up with the teenager's pace.
Ace heroically barks at the robot.
Florida Man (spot on Buffalo Bill impression): DON'T YOU HURT MY DOG!
Heavily bandaged and disoriented from the earlier beatdown, Florida Man has used every painkiller he could find in the ambulance to come to Florida Dog's aid.
MAIN EVENT
HANDICAP MATCH
MECHA DINOSAUR BONES vs. HARDKORE FLORIDA (Florida Man, ACE & Vile Vince Viper 14)
No sooner does Florida Man arrive at ringside than the drugs really kick in, and he passes out.
With problems of his own, Fake Viper crawls past the Overdosed Floridian.
Not finding nipping metal heels effective, and concerned for his unconscious master, ACE runs forward - biting Florida Man's ankle and dragging him to safety. Slowly.
It actually seems like a race between Ace dragging Florida Man like Lassie, and Skip committing to character, to see which will get crushed under metal T-Rex foot first.
MEANWHILE, WATCHING THE ABOVE ON A REALLY NICE PLASMA SCREEN AT THE TOP OF THE BONE SPIRE...
The Murder Hobo Express search the Wizard's lair for clues.
Zoran Sainovic: It looks like ze Wizard... (holding up a blueprint to point at the Mecha DB) built zat zing.
Lili: 有了所有这些资源,我们本来可以被送回家。
Kudor: Naaaaaaaaaaaaanu.
Lili: 这就是我所说的。
Kudor: Blaaaaaaaaaaargh.
AMG: With these resources...... he could have sent everyone home a year ago.
The Giant Panda and Alien shake their heads, like they'd already just stated that fact.
Marmaduke Matters: Look it's being controlled by a remote- the wizard has to be around here somewhere.
Zoran Sainovic: All zis to trample a canine to death? Zere ARE easier ways...
Venöm: He must REALLY dislike dogs.
Miles Drucker: He must have been Marty Donovan. No one else hates Ace enough.
Paramount+'s Star Trekker: It doesn't matter - focus on anything that can help us unlock the... skull.
The group's focus turns to Träcy who seems to be trying to abandon them by escaping through a window to preserve her championship reign.
AMG: OH NO YOU DON'T-
Venöm: I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation-
Träcy (dropping the raft she'd planned to escape on): I was just checking for secret passages...
Venöm: There you see-
AMG: Minions attack!
CRYSTAL SKULL CHAMPIONSHIP
SKETCHY MAN CAVE IN THE SKY DEATH MATCH
"POWER GOT TO HER HEAD" TRÄCY (c) vs. AMG vs. 'AL COLE HALL vs. HARSH WINTER PILGRIM vs. KUDOR vs. LILI vs. MARMADUKE MATTERS vs. MILES DRUCKER vs. OLYMPIA vs. PARAMOUNT+'S STAR TREKKER vs. VENÖM THE DINOSAUR HUNTER vs. "ONE WINGED ANGEL" ZORAN SAINOVIC
Clearly retaining the championship has driven her mad - Träcy kicks Venöm's wheelchair forwards as a distraction. Even as he's rolling into Olympia, Venöm assures Träcy that no one wants to steal her skull, they just need to examine it. Previous clusterfucks have usually seen the lethal alien and giant panda negate their overpowering presence by going at one another's throats, but now on the same page as Bad Chow Mien the Clavicle Duos champions - they are a force to be reckoned with. While most of the Murder Hobo Express are only concerned for Träcy's mental health, and just want to use the skull so everyone can leave - the tag champions have been hungry for singles glory for too long and are actively looking at this as an opportunity to win the skull. The only thing dulling their effectiveness are the orders barked out by AMG - neither in conveyed in Mandarin nor Mork. Zoran Sainovic would have his hands full with them, even if he had two working hands - which he doesn't. Trekker ducks a ratty couch thrown by Lili, and sifts through discarded pizza boxes looking for her com badge... or a phaser. Marmaduke Matters tries to restrain Träcy, only for her to kick an obscenely tall stack of skin mags onto him. Miles Drucker tries to get in herby, only to get body slammed onto a foosball table. The table doesn't break. Olympia shoves the foosball bars, repeatedly jabbing the sore Drucker in the ribs. While all this pandemonium transpires, a familiar face appears in the Battle For Hegemony feed. Helping Venöm back into his wheelchair, Harsh Winter Pilgrim looks up at the screen and can't help but smile.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: ...way to go, 69.
The Mosasaurus bursts through the wall, destroying the monitor.
MEANWHILE... IN THE TOKYO DOME.
Everyone's favourite furry robot makes its way out on stage.
Stokes: What the devil is that?
Hawke: I think it's your Supremacy Rep.
Stokes: Really? He looks fierce. Good for us. RUN BISHY, THIS FALSE IDOL WILL DEVOUR US ALL!
Not taking the grizzled cowboy's advice to heart, ARM815H1 MK.69 locks its eyes on the horrible beast that apparently devoured his friends. This has been a long time coming.
Truxton's Alexandrian Ricochet Sphere umps over the PA system as progen looking sentient robot furry makes its way down the aisle. Still moving at the same speed as the drunk dragged by dog and teen crawling, the robot dinosaur seems to be at an impasse - so turns to the approaching target. Mecha Dinosaur Bones climbs into the ring just as ARM815H1 MK.69 slides in.
MAIN EVENT
RETURN OF THE FURMINATOR
MECHA DINOSAUR BONES vs. ARM815H1 MK.69
The two robots rapidly punch at one another's heads-
Hawke: What a punch - but this mechanical tribute to the late Armbishi is giving as good as he gets.
Stokes: It's like those... rock em sock em robots.
MEANWHILE... AT THE EDGE OF OBLIVION, ON TOP OF THE BONE SPIRE.
The aquatic beast has ridden the tar to the final floor of the spire, which is moments away from being submerged - and crashed through a wall, attacking our heroes.
MOSASAURUS vs. THE MURDER HOBO EXPRESS
The final battle to see if all the skills our protagonists have learned have a practical application. Kudor channels the time he was a malcontent customer and tells the sea monster that he has a "Fly in my Soup," but the Mosasaurus seems unmoved. Venöm assigns the title he received when he accidentally killed Turok the Dinosaur Hunter, "Amateur Turok" - with the confidence the moniker giving him allowing the possible GUNS founder to deduce that there is a dinosaur in the room with them. Great tracking skills, Venöm! AMG recalls the skills she learned while masquerading as an Olive Garden Hostess, and offers to show the dinosaur to its table - but Mosasaurus seems content eating where it is! The Mosasaurus is about to eat Träcy, but Harsh Winter Pilgrim distracts it with the Devil Sticks he mastered as a Christian Your Pastor! The Mosasaurus turns its attention to Marmaduke, who remembers that time he became a Veggie Burger - which the dinosaur doesn't find too appetizing. Lili hits the massive beast - and even gets it to react by screaming "HAAAAA" while kicking - a move he picked up as a Bruce Lee impersonator. 'Al Cole Hall tosses his AA pin at the monster, remember his barfly days and retreating to the Wizard's bar - enjoying the safety of a cold one. Her days as a gangster moll shining through, Träcy tells the Mosasaurus a "False Alibi" for where Venöm was when the beasts eggs were eaten. The Mosasaurus looks ready to eat the Crystal Skull Champion, when Venöm uses his interpretive dance skills to distract it with "jazz hands." Mosasaurus splashes tar at HWP, but Pilgrim uses "Hide From Mrs.Beakley" to avoid the wave - which he picked up as a Junior Woodchuck. AMG's ballerina skill let her pirouette away from a bite attack, then hit "The Nut Cracker." ...only she can't find the monster's testicles. Mosasaurus is not impressed, but AMG is saved by Kudor's LVL 8 distraction "What was that?" Playing the damsel in distress, AMG is starting to give Mosasaurus Stockholm syndrome. Searching for weapons, Lili uses his thief skills to pick a lock - only the window he opens just lets more black ooze in. Venöm lets off a scattershot - which might be more effective at hunting bear than dinosaurs. Marmaduke goes to his Pirate well, developing a limp in the hopes it will illicit sympathy. In full Personal Support Worker mode, Träcy uses "Patient Finder" to track Venöm down - and move him away from some overturned nudie mags his chair can't wheel over. At the bar, 'Al Cole Hall's co-dependency kicks in and he "passive aggressively waits" for the others. Transforming into a fighting man, Harsh Winter Pilgrim unleashes a kick - which the Mosasaurus completely ignores. Having moonlighted as a manicurist, Zoran Sainovic poisons the Mosasaurus with his Nail Fungus Attack. Olympia tries to talk to the beast in tongues. Always a flight risk, Trekker uncovers her passport. How many Rygar Seventeen stamps does it contain? As the champion, Personal Support Worker Träcy pulls her Hail Mary - remembering her time as a sketchy shopkeeper to shortchange the Mosasaurus - but he isn't a child and doesn't have any money! The Mosasaurus eats Venöm. Remember that as a sketchy shopkeeper she can turn back time by changing the expiry dates on food items, Träcy picks up one of the pizza boxes and with sharpie in time travels back to right before Venöm was eaten - pushing his wheelchair out of harm's way. Everyone is happy that Venöm is alive again, and doesn't have to seek out Wombat's body - but it seems like only a question of time before they share his fate. Trekker suggests focusing on finding her com badge, but the champion in Träcy states "That's Not Gonna Work For Me, Brother." Mosasaurus attempts to eat Zoran Sainovic, but is distracted by Trophy Husband Venöm's bronze palette swap. Miles Drucker jots down that Mosasaurus is thinking of switching feds, for one of his shitty rags. Sainovic punches the Mosaurus in the jaw, Jimmy Wang Yu one armed boxer style. At the bar, 'Al Cole Hall has had enough that he can tell Mosasaurus how much he loves it. Mosasaurus barely knows 'Al, and is kind of uncomfortable. Olympia makes the situation even more uncomfortable by making White Noise like a ghost. If they were in an Olive Garden, Marmaduke Matters could simple VANISH - but instead is stuck throwing confetti at the beast. Kudor grows closer to everyone by humanizing himself with a love of baby Ruths - only he doesn't have enough for the Dinosaur, and just makes it hungry. Lili saves Kudor from being swallowed, by hurting Mosasaurus' eyes with the truffle shuffle. Harsh Winter Pilgrim lines the dinosaur up for an "All Men Are Brothers" flying sword attack, while Olympia spins through the air with a "Sunbreak Edge." ...the sword attack enrages the beast.
Things look grim.
"YEEEEEEEEHAW!"
Only for Wiley Sharpe to appear on Mosasaurus' back - riding it like a bull. Bucking the massive aquatic terror - Wiley gets the Mosasaurus to buck up, taking out half the ceiling, only when the dinosaur starts to come back down, it impales itself on the point of the Bone Spire.
Winner: The Murder Hobo Express
Gained 255 EXP, 18 Skill Points
LEVEL UP!
Wiley Sharpe became a LVL 1 Miracle Worker, learned spell "LIFE 2"
AMG became a LVL 10 Olive Garden Boss, learned "Micro Manage Minions"
Olympia became a LV 15 Sword Maiden, learned "Come Drink with Me"
Venöm became a LVL 10 Dinosaur Hunter, learned "Detect Triceratops Scat"
Trekker became a LVL 20 Flight Risk, learned "UPDATE MOVESET - SKIP"
Marmaduke Matters became a LVL 6 Magician for Children's Parties, learned "Replacement Rabbit"
Kudor became a LVL 10 Sloth, endearing himself to all children of the 80s despite appearances.
Lili became a LVL 10 Chunk, learned "Blamed it on the dog."
Venöm became a LVL 15 Trophy Husband, and really wished he'd switched jobs back to Dinosaur Hunter before they got all that experience.
Träcy became a LVL 20 champion, learned "Creative Control."
Zoran Sainovic became a LVL 17 Nail Salon Engineer - learned "Human Trafficking Economics"
Miles Drucker was already at the maximum level you could be as a shitty wrestling rag journalist, and couldn't become any worse at his job.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim became a LVL 1 survivor.
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Ending M.
"Look out below."
Wiley Sharpe falls off the Mosasaurus corpse - landing on Träcy. Thinking the Denver native is trying to steal Träcy's championship, Venöm tries to pull the bull testicle glutton of this wife - only to trip and land on her as well. Cursing, Träcy attempts to shove the two men off her, which makes it harder for Venöm to help. A semi-conscious Bone Priest makes the count... 1... 2.. 3.
Winner and NEW Crystal Skull Champion(s) Wiley Sharpe AND Venöm
Spoils: As it stands a cheap double shot at the X.
Träcy: VENÖM.
Venöm: Wait, I can explain.
The Crippled Dinosaur Hunter didn't mean to steal his wife's title, especially after she spent most of 2023 wheeling him around. Oh, she looks mad.
Zoran Sainovic: RUN!
Venöm leaps out of his wheelchair... uh... his legs are working.
Venöm: This isn't what it looks like-
LIVID, Träcy throws the crystal skull at Venöm - the former world champion ducks the heavy object, letting it hit a wall.
The skull cracks in two.
...And everyone in the room dies inside. There one chance at escape ruined.
Träcy: I... I didn't mean it.
The tension is thick.
Lili turns the wheel chair back up, and sits in it. King of the world!
MEANWHILE... BACK AT THE TOKYO DOME.
ARM815H1 MK.69 ducks a tail swipe, and digs his razor sharp nails into Mecha Dinosaur Bones stomach, tearing the contraption open like a tin can. Sparks fly, and oil covers the canvas, as the giant robot is ripped apart.
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match... please give a warm round of applause to Dinosaur Bones' Supremacy hope, The Furminator - ARM 8 1 5 H 1 Mark 69!!!!!
Standing over the broken machine, Dinosaur Bones' Monster Killer seems confused. Didn't he just rescue Pilgrim and the others?
Stokes: Thank you, Bishy, but your friends are in a DIFFERENT Dinosaur Bones.
This planet is confusing. Looking a little dejected at this less than happy outcome, The Furminator exits. Next stop, Supremacy.
At ringside, Vile Vince Viper 14 climbs back into the ring - Skip Mercer wanting to show everyone he's not afraid of the smoking pile of scrape that almost crushed him. Outside the ring, Ace licks Florida Man's face until he comes too.
Florida Man: Hey boy, I missed you.
Ace: Woof.
Florida Man: Let's go rob a 711.
Ace (wagging tail): Woof!
Florida Man & Dog exit through the audience.
Hawke: Well fans there you have it- this has been Battle for Hegemony, and what a battle.
Stokes: You said it, Joey.
Suddenly the lights go out.
Super Beast by Rob Zombie pumps over the PA system. The audience look confused, until two claws slash down the curtains.
#Hey Yeah!!! I'm The One That You Wanted!#
#Hey Yeah!!! I'm Your Superbeast!#
Stepping out on the stage, sparks from pyro burning away the last of his red vestments - Vile "Vince" Viper tosses a Star Trek prop com badge onto the ground and stomps it out with one of his loafer looking doc martins. Remote control in hand, VVV finds his toy broken, and subsequently crushes the controller into scrap.
Stokes: OH NO!
Hawke: It's the XHF Gobbledegooker!
Stokes: VILE - I DIDN'T KNOW!
Casually walking down the aisle, even as the usually respectful Japanese fans throw garbage at him, the albino shoots the commentary booth a sinister smile.
Stokes: PLEASE BELIEVE ME! I thought it was you-
Hawke: So that's-
Stokes: The one and only.
In the ring, Skip Mercer seems to be completely clueless to the fact that his time on this earth is at an end. What is the big deal? Who is that guy? Skip turns to his manager Raymond Bryant for advice, but Ray is already running away through the audience. Oh? OH.
Hawke: It appears the new Viper just realized what kind of trouble he's in.
Stokes: He's not the only one. We'll all be held accountable. Folks at home... do you have children watching this broadcast? You may want to send them to bed, as this will be less wrestling than it will be a snuff video.
Hawke: It can't be that bad-
Stokes: Far worse. ...When Vile finishes with the kid, he'll be coming for the rest of us. Fans, this may be the last time we get to speak. If we don't see each other again, thank you for your support, and please remember to send donations to drain the La Trea Tar Pits - with your help, Dinosaur Bones will roam the earth again.
Skip Mercer: I'm sorry Mister Viper, I didn't-
Vile "Vince" Viper (raising a razor sharp talon to Mercer's lips): Sssssssssssssssssssssssssh.... don't worry about it, kid. Thessse thingsss happen.
Skip Mercer: Thank you for being so understanding, Mister Viper, sir, is that ever a relief.
Vile "Vince" Viper (talon continues to probe): ...you might want to clossse your eyesss.
SNUFF VIDEO
Vile Vince Viper 14 vs. Vile "Vince" Viper
Adjusting Skip's chin, VVV wonders if he can get him to swallow one of his own eyes while keeping the retinas attached so the youth can view his own insides? What adventures are going on in there? Just as the King of Snakes is about to strike- another figure appears at the entrance, hooded, hunched over, gnarled...
"Viper?"
Vile "Vince" Viper: What do you want?
DA DICK RIPPA: ...I'VE COME TO TEAR YOUR DICK OFF!
Stokes: It's The Dick Ripper!
Hawke: I thought he was just an urban legend-
The Prince of Darkness swallows hard, then points a talon at the youth next to him.
Vile "Vince" Viper: He'sss that Viper guy.
With that Triple V dives out of the ring, making a hasty escape, and leaving Skip Mercer to have his junk torn off.
Skip Mercer: Uh, hi.
The fourteenth VVV quickly runs after the original - the Dick Ripper on both their heels.
Stokes: See Joey, no need to sweat. In my experience, evil has a tendency to eat itself.
Hawke: Well fans- that concludes our broadcast, thank you again for joining us, for "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes-
Stokes: DRAIN THE TAR, SAVE BONES!
Hawke: I'm Joey Hawke, wishing you a good night.
The copyright appears at the bottom of the screen signalling the show's conclusion.
MEANWHILE, AT THE END OF THE SPIRE.
Up to their knees in black ooze, the Murder Hobo Express are minutes away from drowning. Träcy and Venöm aren't on speaking terms. Wiley Sharpe plays with his half of the Crystal Skull, wishing he could show it to Min. Venöm looks down at his, holding it by the ocular cavity... which is rather deep.
Venöm: Let me see that-
Wiley Sharpe: A unification match, eh?
Venöm (rolling eyes): No, we can both use the halves to challenge the X at the same time... when we come back form hell, because we're about to die, and that's not really a priority - just let me see it.
The formerly Crippled Dinosaur Hunter snatches the other half of the skull from Sharpe, and holds the two pieces together... he then leans down and blows into one of the eye holes... the skull makes a sound like an ocarina. Playing with his fingers, Venöm tries a few combinations before landing on.... Saria's Song from Legend of Zelda. As he finishes... there is a gust of wind... huffing... puffing... the sound of running even though there is no way it could be coming from.... then like Kool-Aid Man a creature bursts through a wall.
Dinosaur Bones: YOU RANG STUPID FLESHLINGS?
A summon spell.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Wait, how can you be here if we're inside you.
Dinosaur Bones (looking around): ....this place is creepy.
THE END.