Man Out of Time (XHF Tag Championship)

[Mongo the Destroyer]

FOX Anchor: Hello and welcome back. Before we get started it’s time for another update on Hunter Biden’s laptop.

*Super intense music plays for a moment as a graphic of “Biden-Watch,” including a picture of a guy most people couldn’t recognize from a lineup but with superimposed vampire fangs comes up behind the anchor.*

FA: As of yet there are no significant changes, but later in the day we’ll talk to an expert who thinks that once that laptop is opened we’ll find everything that proves that Hunter Biden stole the election and also killed Queen Elizabeth. But that’s later, let’s ask our guest in studio, the new XHF Network Tag-Team Champion- am I getting all of that right?

Bud Lightyear: Yes.

FA: -Buzz Lighbeer!

Bud: Thank you for giving me this opportunity to di-

FA: So how do you feel about Hunter Biden and his incredible disrespect towards all things good and pure in this world?

*The beer-box clad warrior of indy wrestling blinks.*

Bud: I’m uh…not really clear on who that is. But what I wanted to talk about wa-

FA: Did you happen to see that Hunter Biden’s father, serial hugger Joe Biden wore a blue suit on Monday? It’s like he’s completely out of touch with the modern era- I’m not sure how he expects voters to support somebody so behind on the times.

Bud: Wait, blue is-

FA: In other news, several viewers have written in to tell us how good the once and future president, Donald Trump, looks in his new blue suit! Clearly he’s becoming a fashion icon in this era.

*A graphic displays behind the men of Trump looking dapper and smiling at the camera.*

FA: But let’s get down to the real issues here, because on FOX News that’s what we do!

Bud: Oh thank goodness, so I wanted to ta-

FA: The first question I think on everyone’s mind is why you’re covered in Bud Light boxes. It’s quite a “woke” choice, isn’t it?

*The XHF Tag champ opens his mouth but doesn’t get to talk.*

FA: Then again I think we know the REAL reason right. It’s the same reason the Q Shaman wore animal skins while showing his patriotism, to show his dominance over the animals. Clearly your garb is showing just how hard you’re owning the liberal beer propaganda.

Bud: Sure? Anyway, I am here to talk about the victims of Dinosaur Bones who are trap-

FA: Absolutely, it’s a real travesty that “alleged” president Biden allowed Dinosaur Bones to run free.

Bud: I’m not sure of the politics behind it, but Dinosaur Bones is currently trapped in a tar pit-

FA: It’s pretty obvious that Biden doesn’t care about REAL Americans; I mean he won’t even save Dinosaur Bones!

*Buzz Lightbeer blinks in confusion.*

FA: All I’m saying is that IF “alleged” International Supervillian Hunter Biden’s laptop contains child pornography, shouldn’t he go to jail?

Bud: Yeah, that would make sense. But anyway, about Dino-

FA: There you have it folks, another patriot who’s willing to stand up against the Biden monarchy!

Bud: Uh…

*Our hero stares blankly, overcome by everything.*

FA: And when we come back we’ll take a harrowing look at the dark side of Ukraine’s president and ask if we’re really supporting the wrong side- because FOX News dares to ask the questions nobody else will!

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CNN Anchor: And FOX News is facing yet another lawsuit for spreading malicious falsehoods relating to the election. Honestly I’m not sure how they keep getting away with this, maybe our guest today can shed some light on it.

*The camera zooms out to reveal Bud/Buzz trying again. Under him on the news ticker it introduces him as “Bud Lightyear” and denotes that he’s “XHF Tag-Team Champion” and “Independent Wrestler.”

Buzz: Well thanks for having me on today. I wanted to bring attention to a tragedy that nobody seems to be paying attention to. There are many many people within Dinosaur Bones right now who are slowly being overcome by tar, their lives are seriously at stake!

CA: So let me get this straight, you’re trying to save your friends and the only way to do that is to save the elderly leader of all of it? I’m not going to lie this sounds a lot like the GOP’s efforts to right their ship while still trying to prop up former president Trump.

Buzz: Aren’t Trump and Biden the same age? Anyway I voted for Ka-

CA: Let’s cut to the point- what are your views on bigotry and slavery?

Buzz: Those things are not cool.

CA: “Not cool”- some deep words from our guest today. Anyway, if you’re so concerned with tragedies and massacres, how do you feel about the Israel-Hamas war?

Buzz: The what?

CA: Israel’s war with Hamas.

Buzz: Is that new?

CA: Where have you been, under a rock?

Buzz: No, I was in the stomach of a dracolich- just like many people who are currently at risk of dying-

CA: …in the clashes currently taking place in the Middle East- let’s go with our correspondent on the scene to learn more…

*And as the camera cuts away the XHF Tag Team Champion sits, dumfounded.*

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BBC Anchor: …And on the lighter side we’ve been joined by the XHF Network’s- let me make sure if I get this right- Tag Team Champion, is that correct?

Budd: Why yes, thank you.

*At last, somebody is giving the man dressed in Bud Light boxes some respect.*

BA: At the XHF Network’s big show- uh- Supremacy, coming up at the end of this month Bud Lightbeer will be joined by the king of the mostly unrecognized Supremia in a sparring match against-

*He clearly squints trying to make out the names on the teleprompter.*

BA: -Dana Daniels and Ulysses Cole?

Budd: Yeah, that sounds right.

BA: Well before we get into any of that I think it’s incumbent that we discuss the topic on everyone’s mind right now: Meghan Markle. How terrible do you think she is?

Budd: I- uh- don’t know who that is.

BA: Haha, hilarious and very timely! Of course, as a Yank you probably love her acting.

Budd: Oh, she’s an actor?

BA: I think that’s what we all want to know!

*The entire studio laughs. Buzz eventually nervously joins even though he doesn’t understand what’s going on.*

Budd: But really, I have no idea who that is.

BA: Ha, yes, well it’s probably all the same because most people don’t know who you are. Could you tell us more?

Budd: Thank you! I’m mostly an independent wrestler by trade. However I won the XHF Tag Team Championships in an effort to bring attention to the victims of Dinosaur Bones’ fall into a tar pit.

BA: My oh my, the states have guns, Trump, and tar pits! Tell us about your opponents, I’ve never heard of them.

Budd: Honestly, I don’t know much about either of them. But that’s not a disadvantage in this case.

BA: Oh?

Budd: No, because I’m used to wrestling nobodies on the independent circuit. I’d like to think that this Supremacy match is a glorified indy match to draw more attention to the crisis in La Brea. So that gives me a distinct advantage. These guys will be getting overwhelmed while being on the big stage, but at least I’ll be doing my best to put on a REAL wrestling match for the fans in the stands. No need to learn where hard cameras are and all of that, this is about the FANS who show up.

BA: I see…

Budd: Well I’m glad you do because a lot of people have closed their eyes to the really important things in this world. Things like Bud Light, and independent wrestling, and the fact that thousands to millions of people eaten by a resurrected dinosaur skeleton are at risk of being preserved in tar against their will!

*This time it’s the anchor that blinks in confusion.*

Budd: But those things, those very things that everyone seems to be closing their eyes to? That’s where I’ll be, that’s what I’m fighting for, and that’s what will give me and my equally obscure partner the edge against these guys nobody’s ever heard of. Against the likes of Marty Donovan or Brendan Harding maybe it’d be a fair match- but this is gonna be the most indy Caddyshack Match that you’ve ever seen.

BA: So you’re confident then?

Budd: As the people here across the pond would say: indubitably.

*A nervous laugh from the BBC Anchor this time. He shuffles his notes.*

BA: Well thank you for your time and up next we’ll be looking at all of the Americans that make up the shocking Jeffrey Epstein list- which accounts for at least 98% of the names!

*A confused look crosses Buzz’s face.*

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Bud Lightbeer realized that the world was very different than he remembered. Could things have changed so much in a year or were things always like this? “No, it must have been the time in the stomach,” he thought. But he didn’t have time to learn about current events, he had lives to save. It was time to be the hero he was costumed to be…