Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Jan 26, 2024 8:16:24 GMT -5
*Before anyone can get a breath in we’re blasted by a pair of gloved hands rocking out a church organ with an instrumental version of George Harrison’s “This Song.” As the camera pulls out we discover that (New?) Lady Evil (2? II?) is apparently quite adept at playing the organ (or is good at faking it). While she fills a sanctuary with the (allegedly) devil’s music we fade to the alter where a black robed figure dances wildly. As the music starts to cool he turns to the camera.
LD: Welcome back to the “Hour of Glower” here in the VantaBlack Cathedral!
*The music starts to blast again.*
LD: That’s enough, that’s enough.
*Back to silence.*
LD: Now mah friends, it has come upon this DARK LORD’S ears that a certain man bah the name of Timmah Dra-aven hath entered upon our little WAR GAMES match!
*Yes, he’s in full southern preacher mode.*
LD: And it would seem that the HIGH ROLLAS, as they are called, have added a TRUE SON-A-GAWD to their ranks! But mah brothas and sistas, is that really true? Ah think it’s HIGH TIME that we consult the so-called GOOD BOOK and see just how FAITHFUL Mista Draven really is!
*Dominicus reaches under the alter and pulls up a hilariously large Bible, noisily letting it drop onto the podium he stands in front of. He opens it and thumbs through looking for a verse- or more likely his notes.*
LD: Let us test this man and this team by Draven’s own favorite book and see how they measure up! The LAWD’S BOOK tells us in 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” DO YA HEAR THAT, MAH CHILDREN? It is in mah MOST HUMBLE opinion that Mista Timmah Draven hath UNEQUALLY YOKED himself with some most FOUL of friends!
*He pauses, letting that sink in.*
LD: For does not say in Revelation 3:15-16, “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm – neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of my mouth”? AND YET your little pro-to-gé Wesley Crane would not let you even reveal what you believe is his REAL nature. So instead of being one thing or the other, HE IS DISGUSTING TO YOUR LORD and fit only for spittin’ out! Is he secretly a believer? Than perhaps he needs to read JESUS’ WORDS in Matthew 10:32-33, “Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.” Perhaps he needs to read such things before stopping you from sharin’ his testimony! CAN I GET AN AMEN?
*There is no amen to be had.
LD: And what of your boy’s cohorts hmm? Your Christ taught in Matthew 5:29-30 that, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Now Timmy maybe YOU have turned a blind eye to Rage and Cage, but I have not had that pleasure! After seeing their AWFUL and UNENTERTAINING antics one wonders that if they did indeed follow the rules of YOUR BOOK how many parts of their body would even be left! Jesus clearly put “eye” and “right hand” together for a reason and I’m pretty sure that your little RAGE AND CAGE exercise that sin often, as their promos suggest they might even do it to each otha! CAN I GET A SELAH!?
*No, no you can’t LD. The only member of the congregation is the Star Trekker and she looks pretty uninterested in being there.*
LD: Now I will be the first to admit that I don’t know much about Preston Reese- but what I do know is that James 4:17 says, “Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.” For MONTHS maybe YEARS Mista sub-PAR has been standing by while Rage and Cage have cut DEspicable, DEplorable, and DEtestable promos. ANY GOOD MAN would have saved our eyes from such an effrontery, but not Reese. That, by your own definition, is sin, is not!?
*He throws his arms wide looking for confirmation, then continues.*
LD: And so MISTA TIMMY DRAVEN, I charge you as a fool- for THE GOOD BOOK says in Proverbs 13:20, “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm”! By hitching yourself to this WOEFUL WAGON you have come out of retirement into a match that could very well END YOU! LAWDY THIS IS GOOD PREACHIN! CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH FROM THE BALCONY!?
Lady Evil: Wooo!
Trekker: Go [CENSORED] yourself!
LD: JE-HE-HEEEEEESUS once taught about two brothers, Mista Draven. This is recorded in Matthew 21:28-31, which reads: “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’ ‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went. Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,” but he did not go. Which of the two did what his father wanted?”
*Pause to let that sink in.*
LD: Timmy Draven likes to think he’s doing GOD’S work. He likes to think he’s DOING WHAT’S RIGHT. But at the same time he is propping up a bunch of REPROBATES! Meanwhile I, LORD DOMINICUS, have repeatedly AND POSITIVELY change the word on multiple occasions all in the name of EVIL!
*He gets his hand out to count on his fingers.*
LD: I have saved a girl from being kidnapped- while trying to steal from her! I have crashed Armand von Krauss’ airship while trying to make an evil ally. I once organized a charity event that brought money to the arts and spread WAR CORGIS across the Network all over a petty rivalry! I have driven out MULTIPLE toxic a-holes all through wanting to win title matches that boost my OWN EVIL BRAND! And most recently I have empowered TWO Lady Evils- one to becoming the champion and the other being saved from the streets!
*Over at the organ Lady Evil throws her arms up and yells “TESTIFY!”*
LD: Timmy, your Bible says in Luke 6:43, “No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit.” Even just looking at me, the DOMINICUS REPUBLIC is clearly producing a lot of fruit! So much so that it ALMOST covers over the fact that the Glucks are always one step away from dropping a slur. But while we’re REAPING OUR REWARDS, brotha Draven, what have you or your flock accomplished lately?
*Oh oh, get your cameras, here comes a special REVEREND DOMINICUS DominiThink!*
LD: I just want to finish today folks by quoting Romans 12:21: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” And yet what do we see? We see the HIGH ROLLERS introducing their SPIRITUAL CONSULTANT from a Las Vegas hall of money changers, a den of iniquity. Shameful. If you can’t even be your own definition of good- Timmy Draven- then how do you expect to overcome EVIL?
*He gestures to himself as the organ flares up again. The DARK LORD OF WUK dances as we fade out.*
LD: Welcome back to the “Hour of Glower” here in the VantaBlack Cathedral!
*The music starts to blast again.*
LD: That’s enough, that’s enough.
*Back to silence.*
LD: Now mah friends, it has come upon this DARK LORD’S ears that a certain man bah the name of Timmah Dra-aven hath entered upon our little WAR GAMES match!
*Yes, he’s in full southern preacher mode.*
LD: And it would seem that the HIGH ROLLAS, as they are called, have added a TRUE SON-A-GAWD to their ranks! But mah brothas and sistas, is that really true? Ah think it’s HIGH TIME that we consult the so-called GOOD BOOK and see just how FAITHFUL Mista Draven really is!
*Dominicus reaches under the alter and pulls up a hilariously large Bible, noisily letting it drop onto the podium he stands in front of. He opens it and thumbs through looking for a verse- or more likely his notes.*
LD: Let us test this man and this team by Draven’s own favorite book and see how they measure up! The LAWD’S BOOK tells us in 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” DO YA HEAR THAT, MAH CHILDREN? It is in mah MOST HUMBLE opinion that Mista Timmah Draven hath UNEQUALLY YOKED himself with some most FOUL of friends!
*He pauses, letting that sink in.*
LD: For does not say in Revelation 3:15-16, “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm – neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of my mouth”? AND YET your little pro-to-gé Wesley Crane would not let you even reveal what you believe is his REAL nature. So instead of being one thing or the other, HE IS DISGUSTING TO YOUR LORD and fit only for spittin’ out! Is he secretly a believer? Than perhaps he needs to read JESUS’ WORDS in Matthew 10:32-33, “Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.” Perhaps he needs to read such things before stopping you from sharin’ his testimony! CAN I GET AN AMEN?
*There is no amen to be had.
LD: And what of your boy’s cohorts hmm? Your Christ taught in Matthew 5:29-30 that, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Now Timmy maybe YOU have turned a blind eye to Rage and Cage, but I have not had that pleasure! After seeing their AWFUL and UNENTERTAINING antics one wonders that if they did indeed follow the rules of YOUR BOOK how many parts of their body would even be left! Jesus clearly put “eye” and “right hand” together for a reason and I’m pretty sure that your little RAGE AND CAGE exercise that sin often, as their promos suggest they might even do it to each otha! CAN I GET A SELAH!?
*No, no you can’t LD. The only member of the congregation is the Star Trekker and she looks pretty uninterested in being there.*
LD: Now I will be the first to admit that I don’t know much about Preston Reese- but what I do know is that James 4:17 says, “Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.” For MONTHS maybe YEARS Mista sub-PAR has been standing by while Rage and Cage have cut DEspicable, DEplorable, and DEtestable promos. ANY GOOD MAN would have saved our eyes from such an effrontery, but not Reese. That, by your own definition, is sin, is not!?
*He throws his arms wide looking for confirmation, then continues.*
LD: And so MISTA TIMMY DRAVEN, I charge you as a fool- for THE GOOD BOOK says in Proverbs 13:20, “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm”! By hitching yourself to this WOEFUL WAGON you have come out of retirement into a match that could very well END YOU! LAWDY THIS IS GOOD PREACHIN! CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH FROM THE BALCONY!?
Lady Evil: Wooo!
Trekker: Go [CENSORED] yourself!
LD: JE-HE-HEEEEEESUS once taught about two brothers, Mista Draven. This is recorded in Matthew 21:28-31, which reads: “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’ ‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went. Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,” but he did not go. Which of the two did what his father wanted?”
*Pause to let that sink in.*
LD: Timmy Draven likes to think he’s doing GOD’S work. He likes to think he’s DOING WHAT’S RIGHT. But at the same time he is propping up a bunch of REPROBATES! Meanwhile I, LORD DOMINICUS, have repeatedly AND POSITIVELY change the word on multiple occasions all in the name of EVIL!
*He gets his hand out to count on his fingers.*
LD: I have saved a girl from being kidnapped- while trying to steal from her! I have crashed Armand von Krauss’ airship while trying to make an evil ally. I once organized a charity event that brought money to the arts and spread WAR CORGIS across the Network all over a petty rivalry! I have driven out MULTIPLE toxic a-holes all through wanting to win title matches that boost my OWN EVIL BRAND! And most recently I have empowered TWO Lady Evils- one to becoming the champion and the other being saved from the streets!
*Over at the organ Lady Evil throws her arms up and yells “TESTIFY!”*
LD: Timmy, your Bible says in Luke 6:43, “No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit.” Even just looking at me, the DOMINICUS REPUBLIC is clearly producing a lot of fruit! So much so that it ALMOST covers over the fact that the Glucks are always one step away from dropping a slur. But while we’re REAPING OUR REWARDS, brotha Draven, what have you or your flock accomplished lately?
*Oh oh, get your cameras, here comes a special REVEREND DOMINICUS DominiThink!*
LD: I just want to finish today folks by quoting Romans 12:21: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” And yet what do we see? We see the HIGH ROLLERS introducing their SPIRITUAL CONSULTANT from a Las Vegas hall of money changers, a den of iniquity. Shameful. If you can’t even be your own definition of good- Timmy Draven- then how do you expect to overcome EVIL?
*He gestures to himself as the organ flares up again. The DARK LORD OF WUK dances as we fade out.*
