Post by Jonnie Valentine on Feb 7, 2024 5:32:18 GMT -5
Open up on an unruly LA crowd holding up signs that say “RIP: Steve Awesome”, “Steve Awesome: The Face of the Franchise”, “Kilroy, King of the LA Freeway Match”, “Blast of Class - Steve Awesome”, “Who Killed Dorothy?”, “The Only One That Matters Steve Awesome”, “Simon Cruise: Finally, Someone From This Town Makes It Big”, “Awesome - Prettiest Player in the Game.”, “Crybaby Cross”, “Steve Awesome = Not Safe For Wrestling”, “Gators Get Squashed On The LA Freeway”, ”Barry Wimbledon”, This Is The End For The Anointed”, “I Stood In Line To See Shitstorm 5”, “Ban Tux’s Meatball Sub!”, “Dan Stein Is The King of LA”, “El Passe” with El Rey’s mask, “Captain Self Righteous”, “Cruise Dude Section”, “Lil Pumpkinhead”, “My Boy Kilroy,”, “Nobody Does It Better”, “The Annoying”, Simon Cruise’s name in the Lakers’ purple and gold font, to other signs that said “El Exotico’s Dancing Never Hurt Nobody!”, “Black Tiger Rules!”, “Kilroy: X Crown Champion,”, “Nowa Cares”, “Steve Awful”,”I’m A sMarty”,”The Danimal”, “Six Time Syberus”, “The Sheik Rules The West Coast”, and “Cross Recoba’s Headed For A Wipeout!” Fade out to a shot of Hardkore Jonnie Valentine standing in the ring
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: Recently we lost one of the very greats this business had left, Steve Awesome.
The audience buzzes with emotion and applause. A shot cuts to different people getting choked up, misty, and some openly crying
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: I signed Steve Awesome to be a big star here, and he was. But much more than that, he was a dear friend of mine. This is the biggest shock I’ve ever had as a promoter. Every day seems different that he isn’t around, and the loss felt in that locker room, with the boys and girls in the back, is something I have never seen in my 36 years in this business.
The Crypto Arena chants “AWESOME! AWESOME! AWESOME!” Jonnie Valentine tries his best to hold it together, nodding in solidarity with the heartbroken fans
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: Steve Awesome. His name was a confession. He did it all in this business. Two time X Crown Champion, Two time XHF World Tag Team Champion, Hardkore World Tag Team Champion, two time time NCW World Champion, IWF World Champion, and XHF Hardcore Champion. He was one of the biggest draws in the XHF and Hardkore World.
The fans cheer and Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes shots of the signs in the crowd that say “Steve Awesome = Not Safe For Wrestling”, “I Stood In Line To See Shitstorm 5”, “Blast of Class - Steve Awesome”, “Awesome - Prettiest Player in the Game”, ”Barry Wimbledon”, “RIP: Steve Awesome”, and “Steve Awesome: The Face of the Franchise”
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: Many people knew Steve better than I did, but one thing I know about him is that he would want us to have a great show tonight! So let’s not only do that, but give him the greatest show he’s ever seen to watch from up there tonight, and every night!
The LA fans pop
Fade out to a shot of Guillermo O’Bannon, Bill Blauer, and Phil Blauer, who is surrounded by an entourage of hangers on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello everyone and welcome to LA, Hardkore World’s second home! I’m Guillermo O’Bannon, next to me is my new co-announcer, Bill Blauer, and as always…Phil. Phil, I want to take this moment to offer my sincere condolences on the passing…
Phillip Blauer: Untimely passing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Agree to disagree. Of your wife Dorothy.
Phillip Blauer: Thank you, Giancarlo. She was cut down in the prime of her life…
Bill Blauer: She was 106, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sorry, why is he still here?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jonnie said focus groups complained that there was too much dead air during the action.
Phillip Blauer: Focus groups?
Bill Blauer: YouTube comments.
A swan honks loudly next to Guillermo, scaring him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, I for one am glad that Bill is now a permanent addition to our broadcast team…
A swan honks loudly next to Guillermo, scaring him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Goddamnit, Phil! Why did you have to bring your swans? They freak me out.
Phillip Blauer: Dorothy’s not there to watch them anymore, remember? Hello? Guy with dead wife over here!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, get them away from me. This one keeps eating my formats.
Phillip Blauer: Alistar? Champagne? Over here.. You’re just hungry.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who are all these people?
Phillip Blauer: Well, as some of you may know, I have come into some money since my wife’s passing.
Bill Blauer: Her will has already been executed?
Phillip Blauer: I’m not a dog waiting for a bone, Brian…
Guillermo O’Bannon: You can’t remember your own twin brother’s name?
Bill Blauer: Never could.
Phillip Blauer: (waves a credit card) That’s where this bad boy comes in.
Bill Blauer: Phil, as your brother, and a lawyer, I can’t describe how bad an idea that is.
Phillip Blauer: Jonnie hired you as a commentator and you “can’t describe how bad an idea that is?” It’s kind of your job, Bucko.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, we’ve told you about the “Bucko” thing…
Phillip Blauer: You see, now you’ve got me all tense. Toulouse?
A large muscle bound man steps forward out of Phil’s entourage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who is this?
Phillip Blauer: This is Toulouse, my masseuse.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But you can remember his name?
Phillip Blauer: Hey, it rhymes.
Toulouse starts working out the knots in Phil’s shoulders
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, we’ve got an amazing show for you here in LA tonight. Kilroy Evans shocked the World in San Diego, defeating Cross Recoba for both the X Crown and Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Tonight he puts the Hardkore World Championship on the line against Florida Man in the infamous LA Freeway Match.
Phillip Blauer: (to Toulouse) Little lower. The Florida Man has wanted Kilroy Evans ever since he stuck his runny nose in his business with Greg. Now The Florida Man gets to take his revenge and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
Bill Blauer: I think it's just Florida Man, not The Florida Man.
Phillip Blauer: I think I know the guy’s name, thank you very much.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy was sticking up for Greg Jin, our ring announcer, and back in October, Florida Man cost him the chance to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles with The Sheik in Palm Springs. So Kilroy will be looking to get a little payback himself.
Giovanni the Swami: That won’t be happening.
Guillermo throws his pen over his shoulder in frustration
Bill Blauer: Now who is this?
Phillip Blauer: This is Giovanni the Swami. He’s my psychic. He’s never wrong. He was able to accurately predict that Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande’s relationship would not work out.
Giovanni humbly nods, then puts his hand to his forehead suddenly
Giovanni the Swami: Wait! I’ve had a vision!
Phillip Blauer: (shushing everyone) Shh, shh! These are always good!
Giovanni the Swami: Jason Statham will die!
Phillip Blauer: Wow, when?
Giovanni puts his hand to his forehead and seeks the answer
Giovanni the Swami: In the next 20 to 30 years.
Phillip Blauer: Amazing. I wouldn’t want to be that guy!
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the Los Angeles fans cheer wildly as “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse dances at the top of the ramp with Mary Yellowbird at his side.
Phillip Blauer: Here’s that homewrecker. They way he danced for my Dorothy…it haunts my dreams.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse getting over a flu recently which hampered him in his San Diego match with Syberus.
Phillip Blauer: Keep him away from me! Doctor?
Doctor Proctor: Yes?
Bill Blauer: Come on, you have your own personal physician now?
Phillip Blauer: I’m rich now. No more visiting horse doctors and taking half the medicine for me. (to Doctor Proctor) This guy has the flu, what can you give me to protect myself?
Doctor Proctor: This is my special recipe of ingredients that will boost your antibodies and extricate dangerous toxins from your body. It’s made of shark fin, tiger’s tooth, and gorilla blood.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That looks like a Motrin.
Phillip Blauer: You’re not a doctor! (to Doctor Proctor) Gimme that!
Phil snatches the pill out of Doctor Proctor’s hand and swallows it, washing it down with a belt of 20 year old scotch
Phillip Blauer: Oh yeah, I can feel the gorilla tooth working already.
Yolanda Ando: Joey Little Horse wears a small loin cloth with yellow trunks underneath.
Joey Little Horse slaps hands with his adoring crowd as the fan with the “El Exotico’s Dancing Never Hurt Nobody!” sign gets in the shot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird had some concern in her voice about this match when talking to Kevin Valentine Jr.
Phillip Blauer: Everyone should be concerned talking to that little stooge.
Bill Blauer: That’s right, Guillermo. She even threatened to get physically involved if things get out of hand with Captain Righteous.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentleman and welcome to the Crypto.com Arena and tonight’s action from Hardkore World!”
The fans cheer
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mary Yellowbird; From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
A choir of children begin to sing after a lengthy sinister haunting piano melody is played, searchlights look around the arena for none other than Captain Righteous who comes floating down from above the crowd. His cape flaps majestically as he rests both hands on his waist, smiling and scanning the booing crowd below. A fan holds up a sign that says “Captain Self Righteous”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous making his grand entrance after his recent quick wins over Moondog Dook, The Martian and Scorpion.
Bill Blauer: But tonight he takes on the 20 year veteran “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse who is no pushover.
Phillip Blauer: I bet I could push him over for enticing my sweet Dorothy so. Toulouse! Crouch down behind him!
Toulouse the Masseuse: Oui?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: You’re right. That’s just the hurt talking. I miss her infectious laughter followed by several minutes of hacking cough. I miss her falling asleep with a cigarette and how the firemen would let me ring the bell afterwards.
Bill Blauer: I know, brother…
Phillip Blauer: (screeching) DON’T TOUCH ME!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous was given a new partner, Lady Liberty by the mysterious board he seems to answer to.
Phillip Blauer: Look, I’m the first guy to tell you having a partner sucks, but this guy needs all the help he can. Recently during heavy storms, a local dam was about to break and flood the city.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Was he able to fix the dam?
Phillip Blauer: There wasn’t time! But he was able to guide the flood to the lower income areas so that the valuable real estate in the area was unaffected. My garden party went off without a hitch!
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Manhattan, Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 275 pounds; The Hardkore Superhero…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
The audience jeers the superhero loudly. Righteous stalks the ring like the true apex predator staring down “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse, and a nervous Mary Yellowbird. Captain Righteous requests a microphone.
Captain Righteous: “I won't be wasting time with this, I know you fine folks of Los Angeles came to watch me totally dominate Joey Rides A Horse and oh I'm going to give it to you because justice…must start somewhere…but do you know what smells like a bunch of hooey?”
Phillip Blauer: He’s referring to you, Garvin.
Captain Righteous smirks, his face despite the charming smile harbors a far more sinister look. He holds up a finger, thick red covered gloves adorn his hands.
Captain Righteous: “106 year old ladies do NOT just drop dead people!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes, they do!
Bill Blauer: That’s pretty much all they do.
Phillip Blauer: No. She also smoked. And she…took medicine.
Captain Righteous: There has been a murder and I, Captain Righteous, protector of the world and its space territories, will make it my solemn duty to solve this murder of Dorothy Blauer!”
He was intense and for a moment in his righteous anger Captain Righteous lost his composure, he paused to collect himself.
Phillip Blauer: (gulps) Oh, uh, that’s nice but he doesn’t have to. He seems busy with you know, Ukraine and Uranus.
Captain Righteous: “Here is what I know: the autopsy indicated she died from an allergic reaction to Skittles specifically…red dye #40…suspect numero uno…JOEY RIDES A HORSE!”
He points towards Joey Little Horse accusingly, a little tuft of perfect blonde hair falling out of place.
Captain Righteous: “And oh buddy boy do I have my suspicions, you lusting and gusting little man I saw…the world saw how you gushed over little Dorothy! How you writhed and cavorted for the young lonely hearted woman, it was cringe Joey. You wanted her and you knew you couldn't have her! So what did he do? Left the bag of Skittles knowing…Knowing! She'd confuse them for her anti-dying medication! So come on buddy, come face your Righteous punishment!”
Casually tossing the mic Captain Righteous stood steadfast in the ring, hands clasped behind his back.
Captain Righteous vs. Joey Little Horse
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell as Little Horse tries to get the fans going while Righteous looks on unamused. After tiring of the fanfare, Righteous yells at Little Horse to fight him. Little Horse ignores the demand and plays to the fans some more. This angers Captain Righteous who walks over to Little Horse and grabs his shoulder.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse responds with a sucker punch!
Phillip Blauer: Little Horse’s celebration ends quickly as Righteous was unphased.
Little Horse attempts some chops, but Righteous only continues to look down on him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse scrambles to the ropes and tries for a shoulder block, but Righteous stays standing!
The Crypto Arena boos. Joey Little Horse tries a second time, but only gets the same result
Bill Blauer: Little Horse scrambles to the ropes again, but this time hits a leaping shoulder block. Again, Captain Righteous doesn’t move.
Little Horse rushes up to his feet and backs away from Captain Righteous. Little Horse looks unsure of what to do and looks to Mary Yellowbird for advice
Bill Blauer: Joey Little Horse looks as though he has decided not to give Righteous a chance to get on offense.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse whacks Captain Righteous in the head with a tomahawk chop, and quickly takes him down with a snap suplex!
Captain Righteous looks annoyed as he sits back up.
Phillip Blauer: Rightfully so, I would be peeved.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous gets back up and is thrown over with a snapmare, which Little Horse transitions into a front face lock.
Phillip Blauer: Instead of running to the owner and getting Little Horse fired, Righteous simply stands up and tosses Little Horse over the top rope!
The LA crowd jeers as Captain Righteous exits the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous hits a running knee strike to the side of Little Horse’s head!
Bill Blauer: He picks Little Horse up and hits a one arm sidewalk slam!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse is in pain after landing on the thin padding above the concrete.
Captain Righteous throws Little Horse back into the ring to beat the ten count and rolls in behind him. Righteous makes a cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Righteous snorts with displeasure as he now has to continue wrestling Joey Little Horse.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous lifts Little Horse back to his feet, but Little Horse responds by rushing Righteous into the corner.
Bill Blauer: Little Horse drives his shoulder into the Righteous’s torso three times, then backs out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Righteous leaves the corner, “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse hits a powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Captain Righteous violently kicks out and tosses Little Horse a few feet in the air!
Little Horse motions to the fans, who clap in unison for him. He feels the momentum as Righteous gets up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse runs to Righteous, jumps up, and hits a tornado DDT!
The crowd pops and Little Horse sits up and smiles. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of Captain Righteous looking angry. Righteous sits up and glares at Little Horse as the cheers turn to jeers
Bill Blauer: Uh oh.
Phillip Blauer: That’s the look he gave to Mr Utopia when he invented a cure for cancer. They’re still finding little pieces of him and his cure all over the planet.
Joey Little Horse turns and looks shocked. Mary Yellowbird yells at Joey to get away
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous grabs Little Horse and hits a headbutt.
Bill Blauer: Little Horse hit a move close to the Captain’s “Righteous Purge”, and Captain Righteous may have taken that as a sign of disrespect.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous batters Joey Little Horse with headbutt after headbutt! Of Righteous Gods!
Bill Blauer: Joey’s on spaghetti legs!
Captain Righteous headbutts him over and over, then leads him to the corner. He front facelocks him and steps up onto the second turnbuckle. Righteous jumps off with his tornado DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous Purge!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"For the Damaged Coda" by Blonde Redhead plays and the audience boos. Captain Righteous looks down disdainfully at Joey Little Horse as he stands up. Mary Yellowbird quickly drags Joey to safety
Greg Jin: “At 8 minutes 17 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Giovanni the Swami: I knew that was going to happen.
Phillip Blauer: Wow! Can you believe it? This guy doesn’t miss!
Kelly O’Connell tries to raise Captain Righteous’ arm in victory but he gives her a withering look, so she thinks better of it. Suddenly, his expression changes and he smiles; waving at the booing Los Angeles crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous says he’s going to find who is responsible for Dorothy’s murder tonight!
Phillip Blauer: I appreciate that, but it’s really not necessary, Dorothy probably just wanted her killer to be happy and wealthy.
Open on a sandwich shop. The owner is a man dressed only in a towel behind the counter, next to his wife, also in a towel
Lenny: Well hello. I’m Lenny, Sagittarius. This is my lover and playmate Siobhan. I’m the owner of the newest sandwich shop in the Coachella Valley. Palm Swings Sandwiches. Now I know what you're thinking. “Hey, sexy guy. There’s a lot of places to get sandwiches around here. What makes your place so special?”
Fade to B roll of other employees, dressed only in towels, make sandwiches
Lenny’s voiceover: Because Palm Swings Sandwiches is the first 18 and over, alternative lifestyle sandwich shop. No longer do people who enjoy swinging have to eat sandwiches prepared by vanilla squares
Cut to a customer ordering
Customer: Hi, I’d like a turkey club?
Lenny: Aw yeah. You want that overstuffed?
Customer: Um, I guess.
Lenny: Have mercy. Now do you want that dry or do you want me to get it all wet for you, daddy?
Customer: I’m sorry? Oh, you mean oil and vinegar?
Lenny: We can start there, sure. Now, let’s talk about that pickle of yours…
Cut to a shot of Larry and Siobhan licking either side of the chewing customer’s cheeks
Fade back up on Guillermo, Bill, Phil, and a bevy of hangers on surrounding Phil. One of Phil’s swans has perched on Guillermo’s seat and is staring down at him. Guillermo looks up at it and gulps.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil? Can you get this one down?
Phillip Blauer: Alistar? Lemme try. He might be the one that only understands Maltese. Alistar, gidma lil dak ir-raġel? (Alistar, bite that man)
The swan takes a big chomp on the top of Guillermo’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ow! Ow! Phil, get him to stop!
Phillip Blauer: I’m trying! Goldfish għal jiem jekk nara demm! (Goldfish for days if I see blood)
The swan bites Guillermo furiously
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ow! Fucking thing!
Phillip Blauer: Don’t judge him! He’s in mourning!
The Crypto Arena’s lights cut and the old Indian head "Please Stand By" TV signal fills the screens.
"Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle starts up and the crowd reach their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage. Syb takes a brief look around at the cheering crowd before heading down the ramp
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s got my ear!
Phillip Blauer: I’m on it. Ejja hawn Alistar, tbiegħed mir-raġel diżgustanti. (Come over here Alistar, get away from the nasty man.)
Phil pulls the swan away from Guillermo
Guillermo O’Bannon: (rubbing his ear) Am I gonna need shots?
Phillip Blauer: No, of course not.
Doctor Proctor: Provided you are vaccinated for psittacosis, histoplasmosis, and bird mites.
Once up the ring steps Syberus wipes his feet on the apron as the fan with the “Six Time Syberus” sign gets it in the shot. Syberus stoops through the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has gotten his ring rust off with wins over Joey Little Horse, “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall, The Hurricane, The Martian, and Scorpion but tonight he is in the ring with Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody in a non-title match.
Bill Blauer: Syberus has a lot of respect for this guy and has watched his rise here on the West Coast.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus called his match with Joey Little Horse one of the toughest of his career, and believes it puts him in line for a title match against Kilroy Evans.
Yolanda Ando: Syberus wears black trunks with gold laurel wreaths decorating the front and back. Five gold stars emblazon the rear also. He wears black knee pads and black boots, his boots depict Alexander and Darius respectively taken from the Alexander mosaic found in Pompeii. His wrists and palms are taped in white. To the ring he wears a traditional full length wrestling robe, red with gold roses throughout.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Syberus wants to get back to the Hardkore World Heavyweight title scene, but standing in front of him is a man who would do anything to say he pinned a 5 time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, so he had better do the same to get through tonight in LA.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is a non-title match scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Manchester, England; He stands 6 feet tall; Weighing 220 pounds; The Five Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
The Los Angeles crowd roars as Syberus puts his arms up
The lights in The Crypto Arena dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The San Diego fans jeer as the lyrics begin appearing on the screen
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!!
Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie and the Hardkore California Championship belt around his waist. The fans let out a loud pop, and Nobody begins making his way to the ring. A fan holds up a sign that says “Nobody Does It Better”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody with a big win over former Hardkore America Champion…
Phillip Blauer: Current Hardkore America Champion.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …Bobby Nowa in San Diego. Now he goes up against the five time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion in one of the biggest tests of his career.
As makes it up two steps and stops before turning around to give a teenaged girl his signature fedora.
Bill Blauer: Isn’t she on that show?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Around here? With front row seats? Probably.
After handing off the Fedora he enters the ring and points at the cheering crowd before clapping his hand together
Phillip Blauer: I remember how Dorothy hated this man and his penchant for giving things to young people. Oh, how I miss her. Toulouse? Head scratch.
Toulouse the Masseuse: Oui.
Toulouse comes over and begins giving Phil a medicinal head scratch
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Joe Nobody claims he pulled some strings to get this match a non-title match, but still, beating someone like Syberus is a career building moment.
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, He is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The audience pops as Joe Nobody loosens the ropes
The Great Syberus vs. Joe Nobody
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Syberus and Joe Nobody lock up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs his patented side headlock on Joe Nobody.
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody tries to push him off into the ropes, but Syberus hangs onto the headlock.
Syberus rolls Joe Nobody into a side headlock takedown to the mat. He locks his hands together, grinding his forearm across the temples of Nobody
Phillip Blauer: I can barely see. Worthington!
A butler appears, scaring both Guillermo and Bill
Bill Blauer: (screams) Ah!
Worthington puts opera glasses over Phil’s eyes
Phillip Blauer: Thank you, Worthington. (looks into the ring) Hey, that’s the British guy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has had a couple of tag team matches with Kilroy Evans here in LA. The last time Syberus was here, he teamed with Kilroy Evans in a losing effort to The Brothers Gluck at the Battle of Los Angeles in February of 2023. Before that, in August of 2022, they lost to Marty Donovan and Alexander Von Blankenship. But nearly 14 years earlier, this is where he and “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson won the Hardkore World Tag Team titles from The Fists of Blood in August of 2008 in a steel cage match. In September of 2006, he went to a time limit draw with “Platinum” Pat Bozzini in his Hardkore World Heavyweight title defense. A year earlier, in September of 2005, as Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion he won the Hardkore West Coast Champion from “Hardkore Canada’s Uncrowned Champion” Zack Daniels in a title vs. title match.
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody now back on his feet with Syberus still hanging on to that side headlock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He pushes Syberus off into the ropes and catches him with an arm drag. Syberus gets up and runs into another arm drag.
Bill Blauer: He goes for a third, but Syberus blocks it and hip tosses Nobody.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus arm drags an oncoming Nobody and then takes him over into a snap mare.
Bill Blauer: Syberus grabs Nobody by the wrist and takes him over into an ipponzei judo throw.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He moves in with a knee to the kneeling Nobody, but he catches Syberus’ leg and takes him over into a dragon screw.
The audience applauds both men’s quick mat work, and takedowns. Joe Nobody pulls Syberus up and ties up their legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody snaps back into a russian leg sweep!
Bill Blauer: Nobody rolls Syberus around and drops down into a hangman’s neckbreaker!
Syberus holds the back of his neck. Joe Nobody pulls him up by the hair, but Syberus basement dropkicks his knee caps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus applies a front facelock. He pulls back on Nobody’s head, while cutting off his air.
Bill Blauer: But Joe Nobody back body drops him over! He grabs Syberus in a full nelson, and then release dragon suplexes him!
The audience pops and Joe Nobody motions for Syberus to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody goes for a superkick, but Syberus ducks it and catches him with a backcracker!
Bill Blauer: Syberus applies the European Three Quarter Nelson. He wrenches Nobody from side to side, pulling up on that chicken wing while pushing down on the back of his head.
Tommy Milligan asks Joe Nobody if he wants to quit but he shakes his head. Syberus cinches the European Three Quarter Nelson in tighter
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody not giving up to the European Three Quarter Nelson so Syberus sits out into a full nelson drop!
Joe Nobody gets up to his knees, and Syberus cracks him in the face with a european uppercut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus with another european uppercut, then he backs up, and obliterates him with a boot to the face!
The LA crowd lets out a collective “OH!” Syberus pulls him up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody comes back and catches Syberus with a tornado DDT!
The impact drives Syberus up to his knees, and then he falls facefirst. Syberus tries to get back up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody cracks a kneeling Syberus with a shining wizard in the side of the head!
The Crypto Arena lets out a collective “OH!” and Syberus goes down like a redwood. Nobody pulls Syberus up and shoots him into the ropes, taking him out with a jumping calf kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Perfect Placement!
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody scoops Syberus up, but Syberus falls behind him in an inverted facelock, then drops down into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody gets his shoulder up!
Bill Blauer: Syberus rolls Nobody over onto his stomach and drapes out Joe’s arm.
Syberus pulls down his knee pad and knee drops the back of Joe Nobody’s elbow. Joe snatches his arm back into his body
Guillermo O’Bannon: Muscle Killer to that elbow! He pulls that arm back out and stands on Joe’s fingers!
The crowd cheers. Tommy Milligan demands he get off of Nobody’s fingers, but Syberus pretends to not realize he’s doing it. Milligam gives him a five count to stop standing on the fingers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus finally gets off of Nobody’s fingers.
Bill Blauer: Oh wait, never mind, he’s pulling Joe’s fingers back.
Tommy Milligan gives Syberus till a five count to get off of Nobody’s fingers. He then presses Nobody’s throat on the second rope, and chokes him with it with his knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus hits the ropes and running knees the back of Joe’s neck, pressing his throat into the second rope!
Syberus irish whips Joe Nobody into the ropes and dips down for a backdrop, but Nobody catches him with a float over DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Status Symbol!
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody lifts him up into a fisherman’s suplex, but then drops him in an orange crush bomb!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus claps his legs together on Nobody’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody pulls him up and tries to ram Syberus’ head into the turnbuckles, but Syberus blocks it with his boot.
Bill Blauer: Syberus smashes Joe Nobody’s face into the turnbuckles! And again!
Syberus ties Nobody’s arms up in the ropes. Tommy Milligan demands Syberus release him, but he ignores him and elbows him in the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus cracks Nobody with a few more elbows as he’s trapped in those ropes!
Syberus turns around to pump up the cheering crowd, while Tommy Milligan works to free him. He finally does and Joe sneaks up to a celebrating Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody superkicks Syberus up and over the ropes to the floor below!
The fans cheer and Joe Nobody steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Bill Blauer: Nobody gets a running start and hops onto the second turnbuckle, then turns around and missile dropkicks Syberus on the floor!!
The LA crowd roars as Syberus goes ass over tea kettle into the railing. Joe Nobody gets to his feet and pumps his arms. Then the lights go out
Phillip Blauer: What in the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is going on here? Can someone get me a lamp?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The lights are out and we can’t see anything?
The Crypto Arena is pitch dark, save for a few cell phone lights.
Then “You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You” by Dean Martin plays
Bill Blauer: Eerie.
Phillip Blauer: Finally, some music I recognize!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is going on here??
The lights finally come on and Syberus is in the ring, looking around confused
Guillermo O’Bannon: The lights are back on and there is Syberus…
Bill Blauer: But where is Joe Nobody?
Phillip Blauer: And where are my swans??
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of an unconscious Joe Nobody, lying on the concrete with blood leaking from over his eyebrow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody is out cold on the floor!
Bill Blauer: Did Syberus do that?
Syberus asks Tommy Milligan what happened, but the ref reacts with utter confusion
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think so, he looks just as stunned as the rest of us!
Bill Blauer: What was that music? What was the significance?
Phillip Blauer: And where are my swans??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jesus, Phil, they’re two feet away from you.
Alistar and Champagne are eating popcorn off the floor in the front row
Phillip Blauer: Egads, is it gluten free popcorn? Champagne has an allergy!
Syberus explains to Tommy Milligan that he doesn’t want to win that way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pleading with the official that he does not want to win by having his opponent knocked out by some mystery person or persons.
Phillip Blauer: I think I’m going to be sick.
Doctor Proctor: I probably have something for that, are we doing cash or card?
Tommy Milligan nods and then begins counting Joe Nobody out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Referee Tommy Milligan counting Joe Nobody out!
Bill Blauer: I suppose that is a more moral victory then taking a pinfall on a guy viciously attacked in the dark.
Milligan gets to ten and then signals for the bell. “Weak and Powerless” by Perfect Circle plays and the audience is confused
Greg Jin: “At 16 minutes 3 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AS THE RESULT OF A COUNTOUT…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
Syberus shrugs and raises his arm as the fans cheer. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his team work on a woozy Joe Nobody on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus continues his comeback with a somewhat bizarre countout victory over the Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody.
Phil is fishing for popcorn down his swan Champagne’s open bill
,
Phillip Blauer: Agħti lill-papà l-popcorn. (Give Daddy the popcorn, Champagne)
Bill Blauer: We’ll have to see who was behind turning the lights out on poor Joe Nobody.
Camera opens on a man in his early thirties with alot of tattoos and a complicated beard
Skyler: Sup Coachella Valley, I’m Skyler?
A few seconds of silence and then the director speaks up
Director: (whispers off camera) Tell them about your store, Skyler.
Skyler: Oh right, for sure. So I get like super baked on the reg, right? One time I couldn’t stop staring at my cat and I noticed he was not in tune with the universe, you know? Like at all. Just toxic vibes if I’m being honest. So I created The Pet Dispensary!
A graphic comes up of Pet Dispensary in the Pet Cemetery font. Fade to a nebbish looking man in a sweater and glasses
Skyler: The Desert’s only pet only cannabis dispensary. Open your dog, cat, hamster, or fish’s mind with our vast selection of cannabinoid infused pet foods, seeds, and fish foods. Really connect with your fur or scale companion.
A graphic comes up of Pet Dispensary in the Pet Cemetery font. Fade to a nebbish looking man in a sweater and glasses
Satisfied Customer: There've been some break ins in my neighborhood, but I do not believe in guns. I decided I needed a companion and I also do not support puppy mills, so I got a rescue. He’s a rottweiler named…Mephistopheles. In his previous forever home, he was the only thing left standing after that infamous explosion at the meth lab in Desert Hot Springs.
Cut to the file footage of Desert Hot Springs police holding Mephistopheles at bay by gunpoint
Satisfied Customer: We had some challenges, initially. I still am not allowed to sleep in the master bedroom and he has urinated on everything I own. So I decided to try the Pet Dispensary and the results have been amazing. Has he become nicer? Yes. Did he gain 74 pounds? Also yes.
Skyler: So come on down to The Pet Dispensary, we are not responsible for any bad trips because for real, that’s your dog’s own negativity manifesting itself, man.
Backstage reporter Kevin Valentine Jr. stands in the ring by himself
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Ladies and Gentleman, it is my honor to announce a Hardkore Legend that is making his return to the ring. Former Hardkore West Coast Champion, Hardkore California Champion, and Hardkore Midwest Champion Roscoe Law!
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash and pyro hits. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets several shots of people in the crowd covering their mouths in shock
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t believe it!
Roscoe Law walks to the ring. The entrance area is lit by red lights and the JumboTron flashes "LAW" between classic Roscoe Law footage. Roscoe Law has his hair cut short and sports a goatee. He wears long black tights with a fat red stripe down each side. His boots are black with “LAW” printed on them
Guillermo O’Bannon: I cannot believe what I am seeing right now! Roscoe Law, coming back to the West Coast??
Bill Blauer: I watched this guy in CWF, UWA, CCW, and Hardkore World! He was a huge part of my fandom!
Guillermo O’Bannon: His battles with Syberus, Noah Hanson, the late Adrian Tanner Jr., Cecil Kennedy, and Poke the Clown were legendary!
The Los Angeles fans chant “ROSCOE!!! ROSCOE!!! ROSCOE!!!” as many fans still can’t believe it
Phillip Blauer: I love his chicken. I’m not crazy about the waffles though.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not…do you not remember…anyway, Roscoe Law, the man of the people is back where he belongs! Back in Hardkore World!
Roscoe Law seems taken aback by the reaction and nods, thanking the fans as they continue to chant “ROSCOE!!! ROSCOE!!! ROSCOE!!!”
The area next to the entrance ramp has once again been turned into a beautiful Oasis- at least to the best of Donnie Valentine's abilities after most of the budget was spent on a bender. A mound of sand stolen from a school playground, local strippers in bikinis splashing around in some blue lighting gels that are supposed to represent water, a surfboard that might swear too much... this can only be...
Sitting at a rickety cabana, the host flashes the camera a wolfish smile - which only falters when he almost slashes his arm. A wooden bar has sharpnel sticking out of it, "raising stripes" which Donnie has been hammering it at his BFF Robinson's suggestion.
Simon Cruise: My guest at this time... Florida Man.
The crowd pop hard for the outsider menace, as Florida Man steps out onto the entrance ramp. Before everyone's favourite meth dealer can leap down to the sandy area - Marty Donovan follows him out to an even bigger pop.
Marty Donovan: Flo...... you should know, everyone who appears on this talk show gets horribly injured. Recoba appeared on it once, and his career is basically over. Wouldn't you rather go on a nice talk show where you sing Karaoke in a car?
Donnie Valentine (yelling up from.the set): Pay no attention to him, he's just angry that Robinson is a way cooler manager than Lil Corny.
Marty Donovan (yelling back): Corny was robbed!
Simon Cruise (calming shrug): Bros.... can't we all be right?
Florida Man (patting his partner on the shoulder): No worries Marty - what's the worst that can happen?
Nodding appreciatively for his partner's concern, the fool hardy gator climbs down into the sandy trenches.
Simon Cruise: Thanks for joining me, bro-
Florida Man: Just sizing y'all up! Depending on how thangs shake out, I may be defending against you next month...
Simon Cruise: No complaints here, dude. Far as I can tell we both dig the water more than most Hardkore heroes, and it'd be a pleasure hanging 10 with you.
Florida Man: Oh, I'm sure we have more in common than dang water - my business card.
Before this talk show segment can degenerate into a drug deal, Simon tries to right the ship.
Simon Cruise: But let's not get ahead of ourselves, dude. First you have to deal with Kilroy Evans, and that bro is no pushover.
Florida Man: Kilroy Evans. Look... any friend of my boi, Marty, is a friend of mine. ....but I gots to ask myself... just how good a friend, Kill Roy actually is? I mean we all saw Marty put on the world title performance of a life time at Hardkore Halloween. Just SCHOOLED that paper champ, Cross SO INTENSELY that YEAH, Recoba survived by some miracle, but he was easy pickings for Kill Roy. You watch Kill Roy take the strap? Recoba never stood a chance. Yeah, Marty did the hard work, Kill Roy just opportunitistically picked up the scraps.
Simon Cruise: Have to disagree with you there, bro. That Hardkore Helloween Cup win was something else...
Florida Man: Big dealio, I gotz me a closet full of them Helloween Cups-
Simon Cruise: Probably a knockoff brand. My point is that it was a wonderful feel good moment for all the HKW faithful - and it was easy for Kilroy to ride that momentum like a wave over that limey Italian dude.
Florida Man: ....yeah, Kill Roy has got a high right now that is usually difficult to pull off without chemistry, and I know everyone thinks I'm gonna be an easy defence...
Simon Cruise: No one said that-
Florida Man: But what they don't seem to realize is, I'm the missing piece to the Hardkore formula.
Simon Cruise (confused): Not following, dude.
Florida Man: May '22... after a 13 year hiatus... Hardkore World came back to take on the XHF Network. That night the Great Syberus took the heavyweight strap and set the new stiggity status quo.... just like he higgity had in the original dang run. Only.... far from the wild world of the past, I think even Top Dawg Valentine would admit, this new incarnation is a lot more corporate than the original HKW. More refined. Dignified. Presentable. Less RAW. Yeah, they brought back the old stars.... but which ones? Syberus set the standard. Yeah, Marty and Kill Roy bring the humour, but they are still respectable wrestlers in the same mold. So is Stein... it's a type.
Simon Cruise: And what type would that be?
Florida Man: Professional. ....which is cool and all... but me? When I used to catch Hardkore World, I wasn't watching it for the wrestling... I was scoping it out for the car crashes. Syberus, Marty, Kill Roy, they put on great matches in their sleep... back in the day they had to work HARDER to make up for all the insanity. Stein could be counted on a suplex, but that move was soooo much snappier when he was trying to distract from a Shiro outfit. Syberus on the mic would tear a boyscout a new asshole, but his malice was so much more RELATABLE when directed at the incomprehensible corporate structuring of the Warhammer crew. Hardkore World is back, and about to celebrate two years on the Network.... but it's missing something important. Where are the needlessly angry Matthew X rants, or Spooky Doom with his physically impossible Naruto ninjitsu, The Great Heckler with his not so great heckles, that shaved gorilla, Mojo? DEATHGOJIRA! Hardkore World you came back, but you left the bodies behind, your LUNATIC FRINGE didn't get the invite!
The random name dropping seems to have worked the crowd into a frenzy.
Florida Man: THAT IS WHO I AM! I'M EVERY ONE OF THOSE HARDKORE CLASSICS THAT EMBARASS YOU, BUT YOU STILL SMILE REMEMBERING! THE CRAZY YOU WISH WOULD JUST GO AWAY, BUT SOMEHOW MAKES EVERYONE BETTER! Y'ALL HAVE BEEN SURPRESSING THE MADNESS FOR TOO LONG! MARK MY WORDS, KILL ROY, LATER TONIGHT, THIS LUNATIC FRINGE IS COMING BACK WITH A VENGEANCE, AND TAKING THE HARDKORE STRAP!!!
Simon Cruise: Should be a fight for the ages-
Florida Man (looking down): ...I appear to have cut my thumb off.
Robinson: hahahahahaaaaaaa - what an asshole!
The jagged metal that Donnie thought would make the bar look cool, has indeed sliced Florida Man's thumb clean off.
Simon Cruise: Bro, I'm so sorry-
One of these days Catching the Wave will have an accident free show. Collecting his severed digit, Florida Man leaves the sandtrap, climbing up to the entranceway - where he is greeted by his Epcot Mafia partner. A stream of blood hits Marty in the face.
Marty Donovan: Jeez Flo, we need to get you to a hospital! Don't worry about Kilroy, I'll take your shot tonight.
Florida Man (putting industrial strength glue on his stub): Don't sweat it pal, nothing a little super glue won't fix. I'll take the strap off Kill Roy tonight, and use Simon's safety snafu as an excuse to make you my first challenger. WILD STALLIONS!
The air guitar isn't reciprocated. Florida Man gives a disappointed Marty a thumbs sort of up, which shoots another stream of blood at him.
Fade back up on Guillermo, Bill, Phil, and an entourage around Phil taking care of his every need
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our first tag team match of the night for our returning tag division. Bobby Nowa teaming with Anthony Jordan in their new team known as Nowa Out, and Marty Donovan tagging up with the youngster “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall known as Parklife…
Toulouse the Masseuse: Ok, Phillip it is now time to do zee lower back muscles, oui?
Phillip Blauer: Oui. (to Bill) That means yes in their language.
Bill Blauer: Yes, I know. I did some work in Democratic Republic of Congo, teaching former child soldiers how to work on irrigation systems for their villages. They speak French there so I got to…
Phillip Blauer: You can just say I know. (turns to Guillermo) Hey Gilbert, did you know croissant means biscuit? Anyway, Toulouse needs to get to my back and glutes, so I’m gonna need to lay out here. Let’s get all this stuff off here…
Phil starts knocking all the drinks and papers off the announce desk, so he can lie down flat across it, on his stomach. The swans protest all the commotion while drinks spill in everyone’s lap
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dammit, Phil! Come on.
Bill Blauer: That was my epipen actually. Oh, a fan took it as a souvenir…
“Parklife” by Blur plays and the fans erupt. Disney’s Marty Donovan walks out with “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall. Cornwall is waving the Manchester flag while Marty Donovan has the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship wrapped around his waist. Guillermo and Bill have to do commentary with Phil getting a massage across their table
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we saw across the pond in Wrestle: UK, due to recent allegations about Vince McMahon, Disney has decided to get out of the wrestling business, starting with Marty Donovan.
Bill Blauer: That has to be a huge blow for him.
Phillip Blauer: As we’ve seen over the years, you can hit Marty in plenty of places, but the only one that hurts is his pocketbook.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At one point, Callum Cornwall was suspicious of Marty turning over a new leaf, but he has come to embrace him as his new tag team partner.
Bill Blauer: In Escondido, Nowa Out attacked these two, putting an especially bad beating on Squid before Marty was able to save him.
Toulouse the Masseuse: I do not like zee pallid pale man wiz zee sunken chest. It is not sexy.
Phillip Blauer: Mmm. I’ll take care of it. Larry? Toulouse doesn’t like Squid. Have him removed and replaced with a more aesthetically pleasing Englishman at once!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. wanders over and taps a passing Cullen Crawford on the shoulder, but Squid doesn’t notice as he’s slapping hands with the fans in the front row. Larry shrugs back at Phil. Fans hold up signs that say “Lil Pumpkinhead”, and ”I’m A sMarty”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty offered to team up after Callum Cornwall saved him from having to ride with Moondog Dook.
Phillip Blauer: That’s one of the first thing’s they tell you when you get to the West Coast. Have Jonnie pay you when you get to the building, don’t go halves on a pizza with Kilroy, and don’t get a room with Dook unless you want to wake up to someone painting your toenails.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Plus he has wanted to write a book about his long storied career. Possibly related, Donovan has recently befriended Cullen Crawford, but many believe it’s just to have a chapter about helping out the next generation.
Phillip Blauer: Another wrestling book about how when he was breaking in the old guys were all insecure marks for themselves but now that he’s older all the kids are ambitious morons who don’t understand the business? That book isn’t worthy of my library, which doubles as my bathroom. Ok, it’s my bathroom.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Marty Donovan was here in LA, was in February of 2023 when he defeated Sinclair Godfrey at the Battle of Los Angeles, our joint show with Wrestle UK. Before that, he and Alexander Von Blankenship defeated Kilroy Evans and Syberus back in August of 2022. In August of 2008, Marty lost to Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion, the late Adrian Tanner Jr. in a barbed wire match. In September of 2006, Marty successfully defended his Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship against “The Unlucky One” 13.
Phillip Blauer: (his voice is motorboating because of the massage chops to his back) Ah yes, “The Unlucky” 113. I remember him.
Bill Blauer: (wincing) Gross, Phil, I just got oil in my eye!
Yolanda Ando: Marty Donovan wears a speedo with the Disney Plus logo on it. He also wears Bryan Danielson style boots and kick pads with the signature Disney D on the knees. Callum Cornwall wears simple wrestling boots and black tights that have tentacles painted on them in gold.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Marty Donovan and The Salford Squid looking for some payback on Nowa Out here tonight after they got blindsided in Escondido.
Greg Jin: “The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Manchester, England; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!! His partner is from Cheshire, Connecticut, Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 218 pounds; He is One Half of the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Champions… MARTY DONOVAN!! They are PARKLIFE!!!”
The crowd lets out a huge pop. Callum Cornwall holds up the Manchester flag in the center of the ring, then hands it off to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. begins to stretch for his match.
“No Way Out” by Jefferson Starship plays and The Crypto Arena rocks with boos. Bobby Nowa and “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan walk out from behind the curtain and stop to survey the crowd.
Bill Blauer: Here is another one of our young teams here in Hardkore World.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Experienced individual wrestlers, but they are a new tag team. They had their first match in Escondido, with a win over Storm and Thunder.
They both slowly walk to the ring. Anthony Jordan gives his goofy grin and drinks in the jeers while Bobby Nowa makes no acknowledgement of them. A fan holds up a sign that says “Nowa Cares”
Phillip Blauer: (while Toulouse grinds his elbows into Phil’s shoulder blades) Which one is Storm and which one is Thunder?
Bill Blauer: I think that’s just their name. Like Power and Glory.
Phillip Blauer: That’s what I mean. Herc was power and Paul Roma was glory. So in Storm and Thunder, one would have to be loud and the other would have to be damp.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (squeezes the bridge of his nose, grimacing) I don’t think either one is damp, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: That’s what the name implies, buster.
Anthony Jordan gets to the ring and plays to the booing fans while Bobby Nowa stares down Marty Donovan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan says that Kalmin Watts was no longer the wrestler that won the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023s, so he had to put his career first.
Bill Blauer: So since the late summer of 2023, starting in Hawaii, Bobby Nowa was wearing a mask and calling himself Kalmin Watts, replacing his old client and giving Jordan more control.
Phillip Blauer: Now that Anthony Jordan is free of Okie meathead Kalmin Watts, he seems like a weight has been lifted off his chest. When a wrestler insists a dirt sheet writer drink his most expensive booze like that, he’s either on cloud 9 or trying to get him to bury someone for him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan has threatened to end Marty’s career tonight for ignoring him when it came to his cruise and Disney World tickets.
Phillip Blauer: Marty’s getting off light if you ask me.
Yolanda Ando: Bobby Nowa wears black boots, dark green and white tights, with a matching headband, with a Dundy Award graphic t-shirt. Anthony Jordan wears black and yellow long tights with black boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Anthony Jordan says that Kalmin Watts was fading but Bobby Nowa’s star is on the rise. He’s going to take him to the top, by first winning the Hardkore World Tag Team titles from The End.
Jordan walks back to his corner and starts making last minute plans with Bobby Nowa.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, from the Mississippi Gulf Coast; Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 200 pounds…’THE ROLE MODEL’ ANTHONY JORDAN!! His partner is from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 235 pounds…BOBBY NOWA!! They are NOWA OUT!!!”
The Crypto Arena boos as Anthony Jordan looks incredulous and Bobby Nowa tosses his t-shirt to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr.
The haunting melody of Captain Righteous theme music begins to play, a wave of boos greet the undisturbed Captain Righteous as he emerges from the back. Head high, teeth white, and shoulders steadfast still.
Bill Blauer: What is he doing here?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous has declared that he will solve Dorothy’s murder here tonight.
Phillip Blauer: (facedown in his arms) That’s flattering, really, it is. But these things happen. No harm no foul, me casa su casa.
The wrestlers in the ring look at Captain Righteous who has interrupted the match before it even started. The audience rains boos down on him
Captain Righteous: “I hear you all, please know I hear you all and like I said I won't rest tonight until I have my killer! Oddly enough to hear your disdain puts me in the position to call out the next suspect…Marty Donovan. You Mouse Club little bitch!”
As Captain Righteous points down the ring at Marty, shaking his head.
Captain Righteous: “If your motive isn't a Classic Disney villain Marty, then I don't understand the entire term! What I do know pal is you felt betrayed by Phil Blauer because what does every good Disney boy want and crave? Praise! Marty you are a whore for praise and pats on the head, Phil praised you as the bad boy Champion! The rumor is you basically had to peel Phil from your zipper…”
Phillip Blauer: I wouldn’t say that. Just sometimes he had a spill there. Guy’s a messy eater, what can I say?
Captain Righteous: “Yet the moment you lose…”
Captain Righteous holds a thumbs up and as he turns it upside down he blows a loud raspberry into the microphone.
Captain Righteous: “He dropped you like he was Leo and you was some 25 plus whore! And you didn't like it…classic…
…Disney….
Villain.”
Boos. Thunderous ones and Captain Righteous oblivious as ever, nods in agreement.
Captain Righteous: “They hear me Marty, and they see you…I will leave it to these fine outstanding gentlemen to serve you righteous justice.”
The Evil Morty theme erupts throughout the Crypto Arena again and Captain Righteous makes his leave.
Nowa Out vs. Marty Donovan and "The Salford Squid" Callum Cornwall
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and we are under way.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa starts against Marty Donovan, and the pair lock up in the middle of the ring pushing back and forth.
Bill Blauer: Marty pushes Nowa to the corner, and Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson calls for the break!
Marty backs off with a grin, and Nowa fumes as he comes off the ropes to lock up again.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty gets the upper hand and snaps him towards the ropes, and hits the inverted atomic drop on the rebound!
The fans cheer, and Nowa sprawls in a heap before Marty rolls him up for a quick cover
…ONE!
…Bobby Nowa kicks out!
Bobby Nowa rolls for his corner, reaching for the tag before Marty grabs him to drag him backwards
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan drops Nowa with a neckbreaker!
Bill Blauer: Then he plants a knee in his back, yanking his head back to apply pressure on his neck and shoulders as Nowa strains for the ropes.
Bobby Nowa is finally able to grab the bottom rope, and Richie Richardson calls for the break
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan draws back as Nowa rises, clearly annoyed before he comes back in.
Bill Blauer: But Nowa starts firing off elbows and punches, driving Marty back before he grabs him to catch him with a back body drop!
Marty starts to rise, but Nowa stomps away at him before he yanks him away from his corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa grabs a front facelock. He locks his hands together and pulls back on Donovan’s head and neck, cutting off his air.
The fans boo, and Marty strains to get free as Nowa leans back hard. Richie Richardson checks on the hold, and the fans are chanting “MARTY! MARTY! MARTY!” as he finally starts to rise. Toulouse the Masseuse starts chopping up and down Phil’s back
Phillip Blauer: (his voice is motorboating) That’s the business!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan jerks away, and fires Nowa into the ropes before hitting a dropkick!
Bill Blauer: He tags in “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall!
The fans cheer as Squid runs at Nowa, hammering away at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall lifts him on his shoulders in a fireman’s carry, but Nowa gets free, driving a few quick elbows at his head. He irish whips Squid into the corner.
Bill Blauer: Bobby Nowa chops away at him, delivering blow after blow! Finally he tags in AJ.
The Role Model smirks at Squid, glancing at Marty before he rips him from the corner.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan lifts him up into a suplex! Squid starts to rise, but AJ grabs him for another!
The fans boo, and AJ smirks at Marty before he lifts Cornwall up into a suplex position, then releases him as he drops to one knee. Jordan slightly turns Squid as he falls to ensure he falls across Jordan's knee back first
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rectitude!
The fans are furious, and AJ drags Cornwall back to his corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans remember the last time Anthony Jordan was here in Los Angeles was in February of 2023 when he managed Kalmin Watts with Dan Stein, Tuxedo Mask, and Ruben Bowman defeated Psychotic Goth, Jakie Wentzel, Adrienne Blaque, Wesley Rage, and Nick Cage at the Battle of Los Angeles for Wrestle: UK.
Bill Blauer: He’s seemingly a different man now.
Phillip Blauer: Aren’t we all? Toulouse? Can we work on the glutes?
Toulouse the Masseuse: Oui.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan tags in Nowa!
Nowa watches with a sneer as Squid crawls for his corner, stumbling as he starts to rise reaching for Marty
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa hits Squid from behind with a double ax handle, cutting him off from his corner.
Squid drops, and the Crypto Arena boos as Bobby Nowa lifts him again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa pulls Squid into a shortarm clothesline!
Bobby Nowa laughs at Marty before he irish whips Callum Cornwall into the ropes
Bill Blauer: Squid makes a blind tag to Marty!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa hits Squid with a shoulder block that sends him flying to the outside!
The fans boo, and Nowa goes through the ropes out to the floor
Bill Blauer: Nowa now stomping away on Callum Cornwall before he drags him upwards, into a single underhook. He drives his skull into the floor with a DDT!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa Daze on the cement!!
Squid is out cold, as the jeers continue to rain down on Bobby Nowa grins as he rolls back in to the ring
Bill Blauer: Nowa rolls back inside to only be leveled with a DisKnee by Marty Donovan!!
Phillip Blauer: Can he still call it that??
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Anthony Jordan stomps the back of Marty’s head
The crowd boos as Jordan continues kicking and stomping at Marty before Richie Richardson yanks him away
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty rises, and is irish whipped into the ropes by Nowa. Bobby takes off and nearly takes his head off with a lariat!
The Los Angeles audience jeers, and Nowa shakes his head before he delivers an atomic drop that sends Marty into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa backs up into the other corner and comes running in with a stinger splash!
The fans are furious, and Nowa tags in Jordan
Bill Blauer: Nowa Out pick up Marty Donovan in a double vertical suplex!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan and Bobby Nowa still learning to work as a team, but they clearly have some potential here.
Marty is in a heap, struggling to rise before AJ kicks him over for a foot to the chest. He points at Richie Richardson demanding a count.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan gets his shoulder up!
The fans explode, and AJ glares at Marty before he drags him to his feet before tagging in Nowa. The pair discuss things, and then Nowa applies a full nelson, then pitches forward into a skull crushing finale
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rosebud! Bobby Nowa climbs to the top turnbuckle and backflips into a moonsault, but Marty puts his knees up!!
The audience comes to life with a big pop. Marty rolls grabs Nowa as he staggers upwards in a reverse waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: German suplex by Marty Donovan!
…ONE!
…TWO!
… AJ runs inside leveling him with a knee
Anthony Jordan drops another knee drop on Marty Donovan before Nowa is back on his feet. The pair stomping away at Marty before Richie Richardson forces them off.
Bill Blauer: Poor Marty Donovan is really fighting this match all by himself.
Phillip Blauer: “Poor Marty Donovan” what about me?
Toulouse the Masseuse: Oui, Monsieur Phillipe. Would you like essential oil or a blend for your buttocks?
Phillip Blauer: See what I mean??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan retreats and Bobby Nowa lifts Marty once more in the single underhook, and then hits the Nowa Daze DDT!!
Bill Blauer: Marty is out cold, and Nowa tags in AJ! AJ applies his indian deathlock known as the Idolizer #2!!
Phillip Blauer: Well, look who’s awake now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan uses his right foot to keep Donovan’s right leg from breaking the hold, and pushes on his right knee with his left leg to maximize the pain of the move.
Bill Blauer: Marty Donovan taps out!
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and “No Way Out” by Jefferson Starship plays. The fans boo as Jordan raises Nowa’s hand
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 54 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH…NOWA OUT!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa Out scores an important victory here tonight in LA, as they eye a title match with The End some day.
Callum Cornwall has climbed up to using the apron to stand, as Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. checks him out. Marty Donovan limps over to see if Squid is ok
Phillip Blauer: Another day, another losing tag team partner for “poor Marty”.
Phil flips over on the table
Toulouse the Masseuse: Uh, no, Monsieur Phillipe. Toulouse does not do those types of massages.
Phillip Blauer: Sorry, force of habit.
Backstage Captain Righteous is pacing. Red cape doing what capes were meant to do yet he wasn't alone, his new tag alone was standing in the corner, Lady Liberty.
Captain Righteous: I'm close Lady Liberty, I can feel it…
Lady Liberty: Sir, Captain, might I offer a bit of knowledge?
Captain Righteous: Yes! God, finally proving useful…Maybe Uncle Sam was right about you! Hit me.
She rolled her eyes at his overreaction.
Lady Liberty: ...perhaps we let local law enforcement han-
A fit of overreaching laughter cut Lady Liberty off as Captain shook his head.
Captain Righteous: Impossible! They don't have the mental fortitude of the Captain here…just stand there and think harder, it's common sense! Now, my next suspect…Guillermo O'Bannon.
Captain Righteous turns to the camera staring down upon it as if he is projecting his physical prowess upon Guillermo himself. No emotion as he gave his explanation.
Captain Righteous: Were you afraid of losing your best friend? You fucking worm, you actually shot up to second on my list…and you have a righteous punishment coming pal, so pray or fuck O'Bannon…because I'm coming.
More intense staring from Captain Righteous. Lady Liberty just stands so awkwardly but mouths, ’He's not really doing anything illegal’, directly to his shareholders.
Fade back up on Guillermo, Bill, Phil, and Phil’s harem of flunkies. Doctor Proctor starts shining his pen light into Guillermo’s eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Can I help you?
Doctor Proctor: My word, boy. How much salt do you eat?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Probably too much.
Doctor Proctor: Mmhmm. Let me see your tongue.
Guillermo hesitantly sticks out his tongue
Doctor Proctor: Just as I suspected. Do you use shaving cream?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Uh, yeah?
Doctor Proctor: Stop immediately.
Phillip Blauer: I’m off shaving cream completely. I shave with llama placenta now.
Bill Blauer: I wondered what that smell was.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You can tell that from looking at my tongue?
Doctor Proctor: Of course, my boy. The tongue is the face of the mouth. Here, I’m going to prescribe you some morphine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t need morph…actually, yeah let me get some of that.
Doctor Proctor begins writing down a prescription for Guillermo on his pad
Doctor Proctor: And two drops of ether in a flour sifting foil over your mouth every few hours. Soon you’ll be right as rain!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our next match is a number one contender’s match for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. It features two men that lost their belts in San Diego, hometown boy Simon Cruise and Cross Recoba.
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over The Crypto Arena and the LA fans leap to their feet for the local boy. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launches himself into the audience on Robinson, his talking surfboard. If any of the San Diego crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: After holding the Hardkore West Coast Championship for four months, Simon Cruise lost it to The Sheik in San Diego.
Bill Blauer: Which as we saw, was devastating to the man that had sought to elevate the West Coast division and did just that. He sees that title as equal to the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then in Tokyo, he lost his match against XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion Paramount+’s Trekker at Battle for Hegemony.
Phillip Blauer: “Bummer”, as I’m sure he calls it.
Bill Blauer: But tonight, Simon Cruise has a chance to get his first Hardkore World Heavyweight title shot of his career, but standing in front of him is two time champion and former X Crown Champion Cross Recoba.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He frames this as a battle between a Hardkore loyalist and someone who has used Hardkore World and its top championship to enrich himself.
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board. Simon slaps hands with some friends and family that he got front row tickets for. He basks in the love and fans hold up signs that say
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise wrestling in front of his home town here tonight, which could be a lucky charm for him in his quest to get a title match with Kilroy Evans in Phoenix next month.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Bill Blauer: Cruise says Cross Recoba doesn’t respect the Hardkore fans, which he counts himself as one of. He knows Cross doesn’t regard him as a challenge, and he wants to use that as an advantage.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is a Number One Contenders Match, scheduled for one fall and a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Venice Beach, California!”
The Venice Beach locals drown out Greg
Greg Jin: “Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds, The Big Kahuna…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The audience nearly blows the roof off of the Crypto Arena. Simon nods in appreciation and touches his heart
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside the Crypto Arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. The LA crowd boos mercilessly. Out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other
Phillip Blauer: I hear that cane is made out of the same titanium that Kanye’s new teeth are made out of.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is one dour, angry man as of late. He has attacked referees, ringside officials, blaming everyone for his loss of both the X Crown and Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship on everyone but himself.
Bill Blauer: In Escondido, Cross Recoba played some mind games, stretching poor Martian in the Garibaldi’s Guillotine until Simon Cruise came out to save the kid.
Phillip Blauer: He was building Martian’s character. That is until Simon Cruise stuck his sunblock covered nose into it.
The crowd responds with a cavalcade of jeers. Cross uses the handle of the titanium cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the audience.
Phillip Blauer: I hear that cane is made out of the same titanium that Kanye’s new teeth are made out of.
Cross Recoba holds up the cane that has caused so much trouble in the past to an even louder response from the fans, and begins down the ramp still holding it aloft.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba is not handling this well, and it has turned him into a vicious person willing to lash out at anyone.
Phillip Blauer: The most dangerous place in the world is between Cross and the title he’s after.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck. He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron and, with a wipe of his feet, slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to boo even louder. Cross stands to his full height and smirks, stepping over to the far corner to await the beginning of the match.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 230 pounds; The 'Box Office Smash of the XHF Network… 'THE FOX' CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The Crypto Arena boos Recoba
Number One Contender's Match
Simon Cruise nervously circles the ring as Cross eyes him like a hawk. Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise and Cross lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Both men jockeying for position.
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise gets an early advantage with a side headlock. He locks his hands together, grinding his forearm across the temple.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba slips his head out, and goes over the top with a headlock of his own.
The LA audience boos Cross, who smirks back at them while clamping down on the headlock. But the distraction allows Simon to slip out as well and grab a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise now has a rear waistlock on Cross. Recoba tries to elbow his way out of it, but Simon ducks.
Bill Blauer: But the second elbow is the charm, and he pops Cruise in the eye.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba flips him to the mat with a side headlock takedown.
Bill Blauer: But Simon Cruise grabs his head with legs in a head scissors.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross pops his head out of the head scissors and tattoos the sitting Cruise with a sliding dropkick!
The Crypto Arena rocks with boos. Simon Cruise covers his face and kicks his heels in the mat in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba comes off the ropes with an elbow drop, but Simon rolls out of the way!
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise hooks in an armbar. He leans back on Cross’ arm, keeping him on the mat.
Cross Recoba works his way up to his knees with Simon Cruise hanging on to the armbar. Simon tries to yank Cross’ arm out its socket
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba now on his feet. He uses his free arm to scoop Cruise up and bodyslam him.
Bill Blauer: He takes him over in a snapmare, and then takes him to the mat with an arm drag.
Recoba arm drags him a second time, and then knee lifts a rising Cruise in the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise grabs him in another headlock in the corner, then runs into the middle of the ring with a bulldog!
Bill Blauer: Cross Recoba gets on top of Simon Cruise and just starts hammering away with punches!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s become unhinged since losing both his titles in the same night as evidenced by him bludgeoning Simon Cruise with his fists in his hometown!
Phillip Blauer: Look, if you lose something, sometimes it just helps to beat someone into the ground. It can’t hurt.
The boos are resounding and increasing as Cross punches Cruise until Kelly O’Connell pulls him off. Cross walks over to the ropes and shushes the jeering LA crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba turns around into a double leg takedown by Cruise! Now Simon is the one dishing out the blows from above!
The crowd is cheering wildly as Simon Cruise beats Cross about the face. Kelly O’Connell pulls on Simon and he finally relents. The Crypto Arena chants “SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!”
Bill Blauer: Simon feeding off this LA crowd!
Phillip Blauer: These people love Mario Lopez. If you put Ted Bundy in a Lakers jersey this building would cheer him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise irish whips Cross into the corner, and then follows him in with a cartwheel spinning heel kick!
Simon Cruise arm drags him out of the corner, Cross gets to his feet but gets dropkicked for his trouble
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise wheelbarrows him up, but Cross tucks his head and rolls through into a roll up!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise rolls over top with a small package!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba rolls to his feet, hits the ropes and lightning kneelifts Cruise in the stomach.
Bill Blauer: He grabs Simon in a front facelock and drills his head into the mat with a DDT!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross turns him over into a high angle boston crab! He sticks one knee on the back of Cruise’s head.
The Los Angeles fans boo. Recoba pulls back on his legs, bending Simon’s spine, while grinding that knee into the back of his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Cross Recoba was in Los Angeles was when he defeated Arman Von Krauss at the Battle of Los Angeles with Wrestle: UK back in February of 2023.
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise does a push up and gets that knee off that back of his head.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon now crawling towards the ropes, as this rowdy crowd roots him on!
The audience chants “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” as Simon Cruise gets closer to the ropes
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise gets the bottom rope!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell now forcing Cross Recoba to release the boston crab.
Bill Blauer: Cross Recoba scoops him up for a bodyslam, but Simon Cruise inside cradles him on the way down!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise puts Cross down with a Bitchin’ Dropkick with authority!
The Los Angeles fans erupt with a loud pop. Cross gets to his feet, but Simon Cruise deftly sweeps Recoba’s leg out from under him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise grabs him in a guillotine choke!
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise cranes back with Cross’ head and neck, grinding the top of Recoba’s head into the mat.
The audience gets louder, hoping for a tap out. Simon locks his hands together and pulls up on Cross’ throat, cutting off his air
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba pushing off from the mat, sneaking in some snug hooks to Cruise’s jaw, until he is free from the guillotine choke.
Bill Blauer: Cross Recoba now hammering Simon Cruise with elbow smashes while he’s on the mat.
The crowd boos. Cross walks behind him as a dazed Simon Cruise gets back up to his knees
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba gets a running start and grabs Cruise by the hair, slamming his face into the mat!
The Los Angeles fans chant “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” Cross Recoba sneers at them as he steps through the ropes out on to the apron.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself high over the ropes into an elbow drop!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Cross Recoba climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring and waits for Simon Cruise to get to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He leaps backwards into a flying spinning forearm!
The Crypto Arena boos as both men lie on the mat, exhausted. Cross Recoba stands up and pulls Simon Cruise up into a suplex position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise hooks the leg and rolls back into a small package!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon scoops him up and drops him into a michinoku driver II!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise comes off the ropes with a leg drop across Recoba’s face!
Bill Blauer: He hops up and double stomps Cross Recoba across the face with a double stomp!
The Los Angeles audience lets out a collective “OH!” Simon measures him, and then backflips into a mule kick to the groin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Radomizer!!
Phillip Blauer: Dirty pool, mister. Dirty pool.
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. He backflips into a moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out
The audience is rocking as Simon Cruise pulls Cross Recoba up by the hair, and then irish whips him into the opes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba ducks the clothesline and runs Simon Cruise into the ropes and rolls back into a La Carretera back roll press!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise dropkicks Cross Recoba and it sends him over the top rope to the floor below!
The crowd roars as Simon Cruise tumbles to the floor awkwardly. Simon Cruise walks over to the side of the ring, and then slingshots himself over onto Cross with a tope con hilo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tailspin!!
The Crypto Arena pops and chants “SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!” as Cross and Simon lie side by side at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise finally gets to his feet, and rolls back into the ring. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and springboards off into a Wipeout ‘18 senton but Recoba ducks and he hits the guardrail!!
The audience winces at the sound of Simon Cruise hitting the steel railing. Cross Recoba gingerly rolls back into the ring
Bill Blauer: Cross Recoba springboards off the middle of the top rope with a cross body onto Cruise on the floor!!
The Los Angeles fans jeer as Cross Recoba and Simon Cruise lie on The Crypto Arena floor together. After a few moments, Cross pulls Cruise up by the hair and rolls him onto the apron
Bill Blauer: Cross pulls Cruise up into a front facelock for the Staten Island Drop but Simon blocks it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise back drops Cross off the apron to the concrete!!
The fans come to life as Simon Cruise clings to the to ropes for balance. He finally straightens up, gets a running start and hits a rising Cross with a knee lift from off the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wipe Out ‘17!! What a match!
The fans jump up and down, chanting “SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!” Simon Cruise rolls back into the ring and runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise somersaults over the ropes, but Cross ducks out of the way and Cruise hits the hard floor!!
The air goes out of the Crypto Arena as Cross rolls back into the ring and hits the ropes himself
Bill Blauer: Cross Recoba leaps over the ropes and hits Simon Cruise with a missile dropkick on the floor!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Million Lira Dropkick!!
Dr. Proctor: Oh? If that dropkick ever has the sniffles, you have it give me a call.
The boos come cascading down as both men recover on the floor. Cross Recoba gets back to his feet and rolls back onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba runs down the apron and somersaults into an ultra tiger drop to a standing Cruise!!
Recoba rolls Simon back into the ring and then climbs to the top turnbuckle
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba with a flying elbow down across the chest of Simon Cruise!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross cradles Cruise’s leg but as he lifts him for for a fisherman’s buster, Simon hops onto Recoba’s shoulders and then tumbles forward into a victory roll!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise barely waits for Cross to get up before hitting him with his Barrel Roll spinning spear!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise scoops him up and drills his head into the mat with a tombstone piledriver!
Bill Blauer: Listen to this crowd! Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle and flips into a 450 splash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise goes for his Kickflip high angle thrust kick, but Cross ducks and german suplexes him!
Bill Blauer: He pulls him back up into a full nelson and then LCN dragon suplexes him!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba wraps up Cruise’s legs and turns him over, into the Lupara Bianca scorpion anklelock!
The Crypto Arena rocks with boos as Cross sits down on it, grinding his knee into the back of Cruise’s head. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Simon Cruise shakes his head, refusing to tap out
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise trying to hang on, trying not to give up in front of his home crowd!
Phillip Blauer: These people are pretty easy to disappoint. They still haven’t forgiven David Caruso.
The audience chants “SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!” as Cross shakes his head at them
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The crowd now chanting Simon Cruise’s name, and he is feeding off that energy.
Bill Blauer: Cruise now doing a push up, and slowly breaking out of the Lupara Bianca!
The crowd roars as Simon rolls until he gets back onto his back, with Cross still hanging onto his foot. Cruise twists until he’s on one foot, hopping
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise comes around and whacks Cross Recoba in the side of the head with an enzuigiri!
The LA audience is electric as Simon Cruise runs up the turnbuckles and waits for Cross to get on his hands and knees. Cruise jumps off with a double stomp to his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hang 10!!
Bill Blauer: These fans are on their feet as Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle. He jumps off with his missile dropkick to Cross’ groin!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise Missile!!
Phillip Blauer: He should call it Below the Belt.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The fans leap to their feet in celebration as “Riptide” by Vance Joy plays. Simon Cruise weakly puts one arm in the air
Greg Jin: “At 27 minutes, 23 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise is now the number one contender to Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kilroy Evans.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In front of his hometown, he defeats two time Hardkore World Champion and former X Crown Champion Cross Recoba! Surely one of the biggest wins of his career!
A sweat drenched Simon Cruise jumps on the middle turnbuckle and celebrates with the roaring audience. Cross limps to the back, when Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. tries to help him, he pushes him away
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise now goes to Phoenix to challenge with winner of tonight’s main event between Kilroy Evans and Florida Man…
Phillip Blauer Look in the sky!
Captain Righteous stares down from high above, standing on the scaffolding. He’s got a microphone
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Captain Righteous, seemingly continuing his investigation into the murder of Dorothy Blauer.
Captain Righteous: “HI Simon, not Margaret…it's Captain Righteous. You are the lowest suspect on the totem pole but you've got motive: after Dorothy shut down your favorite beach so she could dump toxic chemicals from her asbestos factory into the ocean you've had a taste for revenge? Red dye number forty revenge!!”
Captain Righteous held up a finger and wagged it back and forth.
Captain Righteous: “For shame. Be careful pal.”
The spotlight malfunctions and when it stabilizes Captain Righteous is gone.
Phillip Blauer Oh yeah, I could definitely see him doing it. Those surfers seem real innocent, but once they put that president mask on, they leave Roach to die and leave you without a parachute during their skydiving escape.
Cut to a local commercial. A husband and wife real estate team with gold blazers stand on the KPLM TV set with a cover band behind them. They awkwardly stand there for a beat too long before the wife starts talking
Donna: Hello, I am local Realty legend Donna McCormick with Palm Springs Realty. This is my husband, Rex.
Rex: (nods…gulps)
Rex seems to have a line but just continues to nod. Donna shoots him some side eye then continues
Donna: Palm Springs summers are the worst in the world. 120 degrees…and humidity?
Rex: (has a line)
Donna: …
Rex: Yeah…I…that’s…
Donna: I think what you mean to say it’s crazy.
A terrified Rex nods
Donna: (looks at the camera) And what else is crazy is the prices for a summer home in Spokane, Washington. 1!! 2!! 3!!
The bassist kicks in with the intro to Eric Clapton’s “Cocaine”. A visibly ill looking Rex keeps looking at the camera while he painfully tries to dance
Donna: If you want to stay,
Where it’s snowing in May
Spokane
If you wanna get down
At an active downtown
Spokane
You must buy, you must buy, you must buy
Spokane
Donna’s Voiceover: So give me a call at Donna McCormick with Palm Springs Realty to buy…Spokane!
Fade back up on Guillermo, Phil, Bill, and Phil’s group of attendants
Giovanni the Swami: You don’t believe I can tell the future, do you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not at all.
Phillip Blauer: Show this guy why you cost $200 an hour!
Giovanni starts massaging his temples
Giovanni the Swami: Your father passed away.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m half Irish, our Dads die.
Giovanni the Swami: His name was Johnny.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No.
Giovanni the Swami: Jackie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No.
Giovanni the Swami: Jimmy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No.
Giovanni the Swami: Pauly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m kidding, it was Jimmy.
Giovanni the Swami: Yes, I know. He’s standing right here with me.
Guillermo rolls his eyes, but Giovanni continues
Giovanni the Swami: He tells me he’s very proud of you.
Phillip Blauer: That’s not him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nope.
Giovanni the Swami: Uh, I must be getting poor reception, it is cloudy outside, and sometimes the ghosts don’t come through as well…
Guillermo O’Bannon: (turns to camera) We won’t let him waste any more of our time like he’s wasting Phil’s money, fans. We’ve got the Hardkore Women’s Championship match to get to!
"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays and silhouettes of roaring and tigers striking and the eyes of a tiger are seen on the tron as Black Tiger stalks slowly to ringside all business like.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After Ri Eun-Ae defeated Mickie Fury in San Diego, Black Tiger came out to challenge her for the Hardkore Women’s Championship here tonight in Los Angeles.
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger is the daughter of Dragon Belt and Dragonatrix, sister of Little Dragon, so the wrestling business is in her blood.
Guillermo O’Bannon: She’s racked up some wins against “The Milkman’s Daughter” Klazina van Dam in Hartford and Virago, but this will be her first big time match.
Bill Blauer: At her match with Virago in Escondido, Ri Eun-Ae returned the favor and appeared at the end of her match and told her she needed to earn respect around here.
Phillip Blauer: I still don’t have any.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger grew up watching her mother Dragonatrix wrestle Ri Eun-Ae, then known as Makoto Jupiter wrestle for this very same belt.
Yolanda Ando: Black Tiger wears a full bodied black cat suit w/dark tiger stripes, black wrestling boots w/black tiger claws, black MMA fighting gloves w/black tiger claws and a black tiger's mask that covers her entire face and head except for her long dark hair that flows freely from the back of her mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Black Tiger says Ri Eun-Ae continuing her friendship with Tuxedo Mask after he turned his back on Kilroy and the fans is something she cannot abide by.
Phillip Blauer: Well, who asked her?
Bill Blauer: She says that she realizes the daunting task ahead of her in facing the three time Hardkore Women’s Champion, but she is not one to back down from a challenge.
Black Tiger enters the ring and goes to her corner. She folds her arms glaring down at the entrance; not breathing, standing still like a statue.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Somewhere in Chinatown; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 175 pounds; The Daughter of Dragons…BLACK TIGER!!!”
The audience cheers but Black Tiger stands still, as if to strike like a ferocious hungry tiger.
"Adrenaline" by Rosetta Stone plays, popping the LA crowd. Ri Eun-Ae walks out with Tuxedo Mask giving the fans a peace sign
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae is a three time Hardkore Women’s Champion and she has said that she did not appreciate Black Tiger’s sense of entitlement, showing up at the end of her match.
Phillip Blauer: I tend to agree, entitled people just rub me the wrong way. Unlike Toulouse here. Lower shoulder blade, Toulouse!
Toulouse the Masseuse: Oui.
Toulouse squirts some body oil on Phil’s back and it sprays onto Bill and Guillermo
Guillermo O’Bannon: (wiping the oil from his glasses) Yes, well, Ri Eun-Ae says that instead of demanding a title shot, Black Tiger should have worked her way up the ranks first.
Bill Blauer: (wiping the oil off his format sheets) She has said she’s going to teach this youngster some humility through attrition here tonight.
Tuxedo Mask stops in his tracks and begins talking to a woman in the front row of the audience. He motions for Ri Eun-Ae to go ahead and he’ll catch up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask seems to see a familiar fan. The last time Tuxedo Mask was here in Los Angeles was in February of 2023 when he, Dan Stein, Kalmin Watts, and Ruben Bowman defeated Psychotic Goth, Jakie Wentzel, Adrienne Blaque, Wesley Rage, and Nick Cage at the Battle of Los Angeles for Wrestle: UK. Before that, he lost a match to Ruben Bowman in August of 2022.
Eun-Ae climbs to the top turnbuckle and backflips into the ring getting a huge ovation from the Crypto Arena! She goes to a split and gives them another peace sign as Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a tight close up
Yolanda Ando: Rei Eun-Ae wears a blue and red silk robe that she wears to the ring, and once removed she's wearing a green backless halter top with gold trim and matching shorts and boots.
Greg Jin: “And her opponent, Accompanied to the ring by Tuxedo Mask; From Olympia, Washington; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 148 pounds; She is the three time HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…RI EUN-AE!!!”
The LA crowd gives her a rousing welcome as Ri Eun-Ae as she yells “Yeah!” while throwing up the peace sign
Hardkore Women's Championship
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Black Tiger and Ri Eun-Ae lock up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger and Ri Eun-Ae now engaging in a test of strength.
Phillip Blauer: Ladies, ladies, you’re both pretty.
Bill Blauer: No, Phil, I don’t think that’s the point here.
Toulouse the Masseuse: The one in the mask, she is pretty, oui?
Phillip Blauer: We can only hope.
Dr. Proctor: If she isn’t, I can always do a little work for her. I’ve done plastic surgery on celebrities before, ever hear of a Mr. Mickey Rourke?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Guys…guys! The young Black Tiger getting the best of this exchange with Ri Eun-Ae, bending her back in the test of strength.
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger grabs her in a side headlock, and then takes her down to the mat.
Black Tiger grinds on that headlock while Ri Eun-Ae is trapped on the mat. Tommy Milligan checks to make sure Eun-Ae’s shoulders aren’t on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger turns it into a front chancery. She locks her hands together and pulls back on Eun-Ae’s head and neck.
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae works her way back to her feet, with Tiger hanging onto the chancery. She tries to back drop her, but Black Tiger blocks it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger then flips her with a Mexican armdrag! Then a Japanese armdrag!
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger grabs an armbar. She cranks back on Ri Eun-Ae’s arm, while sticking her knee into Ri’s shoulderblade.
Ri Eun-Ae works her way to her feet, with Tiger hanging onto the arm. Black Tiger twists her arm into a wristlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger takes her over in another lightning fast arm drag. She applies a rear chinlock.
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger keeping Ri Eun-Ae on the mat early in the match, trying to wear her down.
Black Tiger flattens out her body, putting pressure on the back of Ri’s head and neck.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae works her way back to her feet, and jams an elbow into Black Tiger’s stomach to free herself from the reverse chinlock.
Bill Blauer: A left palm thrust to Black Tiger’s nose to dazes her, and Ri Eun-Ae grabs her arm in a wristlock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae kicks her repeatedly in the back of the head and shoulders, with the crowd counting along!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT!
NINE!
TEN!
Ri Eun-Ae releases Black Tiger and lets her fall to the mat, and the crowd shouts "Combo!!!"
Phillip Blauer: I wouldn’t think people in LA could count that high without their accountant.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae irish whips Black Tiger into the turnbuckles. She then begins choking Tiger with her boot in the corner.
Bill Blauer: Eun-Ae grabs her around the neck and flips her out of the corner with a bridging head and arm suplex!
…ONE!
…Black Tiger rolls her shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae scoops her up, but Black Tiger floats over her shoulder behind her. She grabs her by the arm, and smashes it over her shoulder repeatedly, trying to hyperextend her elbow.
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger flips her over by the arm into a judo throw, and then applies another armbar.
Black Tiger clamps down on her arm, trying to pull it out of it’s socket. Ri Eun-Ae rolls to her feet, but Black Tiger forearm smashes her arm repeatedly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger going after that arm, she now wraps it around the top rope, and pulls on her wrist.
Tommy Milligan gives her to the count of five to stop using the ropes, so Black Tiger breaks it at four
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger irish whips Ri Eun-Ae into the ropes and then hits her with a flying knee strike.
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger sets her up for a suplex, but Ri Eun-Ae rolls back into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…Black Tiger kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae ducks a kung fu punch and goes behind with a bridging backdrop driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Black Tiger rolls her shoulder up!
Ri Eun-Ae pulls her up by the mask, and then pumphandles her up into a release fallaway slam that pitches Black Tiger across the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thundermuffin!!
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae applies a stretch plum. She pulls back on Black Tiger’s head and arm, while crouching over her
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae whips the back of Tiger’s elbow across her knee repeatedly, trying to break her arm.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Black Tiger refuses to give up. Ri Eun-Ae cranks Tiger’s arm back even harder to sweeten the deal
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae pulls her up into a manji gatame. She pulls back on that trapped arm, while pushing Black Tiger’s head to the side with her leg pressed on it.
Black Tiger grunts in pain but shakes her head, holding on. Tuxedo Mask pounds on the apron in support of Ri Eun-Ae.
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger is able to slip her head out and hiptoss her way out of the manji gatame!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger grabs Ri Eun-Ae by the head and pulls her down into some muay thai knee strikes. She whacks her in the back of the knee with a kick, and then hits her with an elbow strike to the side of the head.
The LA crowd winces as Ri Eun-Ae gets peppered all over. Black Tiger strikes Ri Eun-Ae with a kick to the ankle, and then scoops her up, dropping her onto her knee with a backbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger goes to the mat and applies a fujiawara armbar.
Bill Blauer: She yanks back on Ri Eun-Ae’s captured arm, continuing to target her elbow and shoulder.
Ri Eun-Ae reaches out for the ropes but Black Tiger continues to row back on her other arm. Eun-Ae gets a little closer to the ropes, but is still too far away. Tuxedo Mask yells more encouragement from ringside.
Bill Blauer: At last, Ri Eun-Ae gets to those ropes and Tommy Milligan forces Black Tiger to release the fujiwara armbar.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger shoots her into the ropes and takes her out with a dropkick.
Black Tiger climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. Tux tries to warn his friend to get up
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae gets to her feet and pushes Black Tiger, impaling her on the top turnbuckle steel cable hook!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae back superplexes her back into the ring!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Black Tiger kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae gets underneath Black Tiger’s legs and then electric chairs her up on to her shoulders.
The Crypto Arena buzzes with anticipation as Ri Eun-Ae walks her over to the corner. She gets a running start and then drops to her knees, dropping Tiger on her face with a Japanese ocean bomb
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thunder Charge!! Eun-Ae picks her up by the legs from behind and lifts her up in a facedown giant swing, spinning round and round, showing off that power of hers!
The audience pops for the show of strength as Ri Eun-Ae reverse giant swings Black Tiger like a top
Bill Blauer: She flips Black Tiger up and over into a wheelbarrow suplex!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oak Evolution!
The fans cheer and Ri Eun-Ae raises her arm…then falls backwards into the corner with dizziness
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae may have spun one too many times during the Oak Evolution, and I think she is feeling the effects.
Phillip Blauer: If you gents don’t mind, I think I’ll get in a little putting while these ladies do their thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes we obviously mind, Phil. We’re in the middle of the match.
Bill Blauer: Phil, sit down.
Phillip Blauer: Sorry, my hands are tied. My golf pro says I can get my tour card if I keep practicing and booking $300 an hour sessions with him.
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. pours out Bill’s drink and puts the cup down for Phil to put into. Phil gets up with his putter and walks over to the front of the announce position, then begins practicing his putt swing in front of the ball
Bill Blauer: Phil?
Guillermo O’Bannon: We can’t see, Phil.
Bill Blauer: (looking past Phil) Ri Eun-Ae atomic drops Black Tiger on the middle of the top rope, and then runs into the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae hits Black Tiger with a koppo kick that knocks her awkwardly to the floor!
The crowd cheers and Tiger hits the concrete hard. Meanwhile, by the announce desk, Phil taps the golf ball with his putter but it bobbles into the audience
Phillip Blauer: Oooh, a little outside the cup.
Ri Eun-Ae puts up her arm and finger, and then runs into the ropes. She hops onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae springboard missile dropkicks Black Tiger, knocking her into Phil!!
Phillip Blauer: Egads!
Phil takes a spill and his putter goes flying. Ri Eun-Ae grabs Black Tiger by the mask, and points to the ringpost. She then points to Black Tiger's head, and then points to the corner post
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae rams Black Tiger's face into the ringpost!!
The LA audience groans as the sound of Black Tiger’s head hitting the steel corner post rings through the Crypto Arena
Bill Blauer: Should we help, Phil?
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is he paying his flunkies for? (snaps at them) Hey! Come on.
Toulouse the Masseuse, Giovanni the Swami, and Dr. Proctor nod and run to Phil’s side to assist him up, brushing off his suit. Ri Eun-Ae pulls Black Tiger up by the mask and knees her in the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae gut wrenches Black Tiger up on her shoulder, but Black Tiger falls behind her on her feet.
Bill Blauer: Eun-Ae turns around and runs into a hotshot on the guardrail!!
The Crypto Arena lets out a loud “OH!” at the sound of Ri Eun-Ae hitting the railing throat first. Eun-Ae rolls around the floor, clutching her throat. Phil sits back at the announce desk
Phillip Blauer: Why it is a madhouse around here. Can a man not put around ringside at a wrasslin show anymore? The old timers would be spinning in their graves if they weren’t in Hades.
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae now has Phil’s putter!
Phillip Blauer: Hey, I paid 3 large for that! It was owned by Fuzzy Zoeller!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger cracks Ri Eun-Ae in the arm with that putter!!
Ri Eun-Ae cradles her arm against her chest and drops to her knees. Black Tiger rolls back into the ring and hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger hurls over the ropes and catches Ri Eun-Ae with a suicide dive!!
The fans cheer, and Black Tiger pulls her up and irish whips her hard into the ring steps and the sound rings through the Crypto Arena
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger runs in with a knee strike to Ri-Eun’s shoulder against the ringsteps!
Bill Blauer: She rolls Ri Eun-Ae back into the ring and applies a cross armbar!
The Los Angeles crowd pops. Ri Eun-Ae kicks her heels into the canvas in pain
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger rows back on Ri Eun-Ae’s arm while pushing her feet into her neck and armpit with her feet. She’s trying to rip that arm clean off!
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger attempting to cash in on all the punishment Ri Eun-Ae’s arm has taken over the past 20 minutes and win the Hardkore Women’s Championship.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A first for her family!
Tommy Milligan checks in but Ri Eun-Ae continuously shakes her head, trying to hold on to the tile. Tuxedo Mask yells from ringside for Ri Eun-Ae not to give up
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae finally rolls to a crouching position and punches her way out of the cross armbar with her free arm!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae irish whips her into the ropes and tiltawhirls her into a northern lights bomb!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Black Tiger kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae pumphandles Black Tiger up into a running Direct Approach backbreaker!!
The audience roars as Black Tiger flops around the mat like a fish, holding her back. Ri Eun-Ae climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Bill Blauer: Eun-Ae backflips into a moonsault leg drop but there’s no water in the pool!!
The crowd pops again, and a panicked Tuxedo Mask jumps up on the apron. He calls Black Tiger Mask over, but she ignores him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask trying to flirt with Black Tiger but it’s doing no good!
Phillip Blauer: She should give him a chance. How many fellow masked men are out there these days?
Bill Blauer: I don’t think she likes what Tux is saying.
Black Tiger starts walking over to Tuxedo Mask who is showing off his abs under his tuxedo coat. She joins Tommy Milligan in telling him to get down before he gets hurt
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae sneaks up behind her and waistlocks her. She lifts her for a german suplex, but Black Tiger flips onto her feet behind her!
Guillermo O’Bannon: She Black Tiger Strike #2 spears Ri Eun-Ae, nearly cutting her in half!!
The impact pops Black Tiger up to her knees, and then she collapses on top of Ri Eun-Ae
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor plays and the fans cheer in shock
Greg Jin: “At 24 minutes 8 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…BLACK TIGER!!!”
Bill Blauer: What an upset!
Tommy Milligan hands Black Tiger the Hardkore Women’s Championship, and she hugs it to her chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger achieves a dream and wins the belt that her mother Dragonatrix, never could in her long career!
Tuxedo Mask helps Ri Eun-Ae out of the ring while Black Tiger straps the belt around her waist. The audience pops as Little Dragon jogs down to the ring, applauding
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon now coming down to the ring to celebrate with his sister!
Bill Blauer: This title has eluded their family for over 20 years, now is the time to celebrate!
Black Tiger stands up on the second turnbuckle pointing at the fans, then holding her arms in the air in triumph. Little Dragon comes up from behind her and electric chairs her up on his shoulders
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger is the new Hardkore Women’s Champion and you can bet her parents Dragon Belt and Dragonatrix are watching at home, as proud as can be!
The fans continue to roar as Little Dragon carries his sister on his shoulders, and she has the Hardkore Women’s belt over her shoulder
Voiceover: It’s inevitable that we’re all going to die.
An old couple nods
Voiceover: For every beginning, there must be an end. But did you know you’re wide awake down there the whole time?
The old couple acts surprised and shakes their head, and then an animation begins
Voiceover: You spend an eternity in a tight little box, with nowhere to pee. And before you ask, No. There’s no room to do that either.
But how can you avoid this pesky problem that has plagued humanity throughout time?
The old couple shrugs
Voiceover: With a sky funeral! What’s a sky funeral you ask?
An animation begins with a cartoon dead body with xx’s across it’s eyes
Voiceover: It’s where you are allowed to decompose naturally, without the use of worms who are too busy doing other important worm stuff to eat you.
Cartoon vultures with big adam’s apples fly down and start eating the corpse
Voiceover: You are laid out where the local buzzards can take care of you, until there is nothing left but memories.
Fade to a new age looking woman
Sojourn: Hello, I’m Sojourn Kilpatrick.
Two hippie men appear behind her
Sojourn: And this is my husband Atticus, and our longtime lover who has not yet told us his name.
They both nod slightly towards the camera
Sojourn: The Kilpatrick family has been taking care of the Desert’s funeral needs for over 78 years, but now it’s my turn to offer an alternative to avoid spending eternity in something with little to no back support and would be a waking nightmare of maddening solitude. Choose a sky funeral for your loved ones today by calling Kilpatrick Funeral Home in Palm Springs
With a hushed tone, a spokesman does a very fast disclaimer
“Buzzards may not be the wild animal that devours you. Said animal varies by region. Yes, this is a totally real thing but not entirely legal by which we mean not at all except for in Tibet. No refunds.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our Hardkore West Coast title match between The Sheik and Dan Stein.
Bill Blauer: The Sheik won the Hardkore West Coast title for the second time in San Diego, defeating Simon Cruise. Dan Stein has never held the Hardkore West Coast title and is undefeated in Los Angeles!
Phillip Blauer: Psst, big deal. So is Sony.
The Crypto Arena darkens, and the reassuring tones of Ron Burgundy are heard.
Ron Burgundy: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Hardkore fans of Los Angeles! Can I please have your attention? I have been handed an urgent... and horrifying news story! The Danimal has entered the building!”
The lights abruptly come on again and the crowd erupts. “Thunderhorse” by Dethklok plays as “The Punisher” Dan Stein and his lovely manager Domino make their way to the ring area, Domino smiling and high-fiving the fans while Stein walks to the ring with his sunglasses on and scowl on his face.
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein changing his entrance, I like it.
Phillip Blauer: Well, every 20 years or so, you have to switch it up. That’s why I don’t stalk women anymore. Well, that and my marriage to what’s her name.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we said earlier, Dan Stein is undefeated here in Hollywood. The last time Dan Stein was here in Los Angeles was in February of 2023 when he, Tuxedo Mask, Kalmin Watts, and Ruben Bowman defeated Psychotic Goth, Jakie Wentzel, Adrienne Blaque, Wesley Rage, and Nick Cage at the Battle of Los Angeles for Wrestle: UK. Before that, he was here in August of 2008 when he defeated the late Lonewolf McNeely. They wrestled in this year’s Hardkore Helloween finals but 17 years earlier, Stein defeated Kilroy Evans here in September of 2006. A year earlier, he won the Hardkore World Six Man Tag team titles in a wargames match with Cobryn, Lucifer Jones, and Johnny Lee Harley over The Microshocker, Stan “The Tank” Wilson, Big Bad Bill, and “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson.
Bill Blauer: As Dan Stein showed off his trophy room, he pointed to the fact that the Hardkore West Coast Championships is one of the few titles he has not won here on the West Coast.
Phillip Blauer: I feel like there were alot of cat heads in there for a trophy room.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein has admired The Sheik for quite some time, but he says he puts that all aside tonight to finally get the West Coast Championship and possibly even his kaffiyeh?
Upon entering the ring, Stein thrusts up his trusty club, the Peacemaker, to the roar of the crowd.
Yolanda Ando: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. His elbow is wrapped. Stein brings a worn, taped up black club called the Peacemaker with him as well.
Bill Blauer: Thank you, Yolanda. Dan Stein has promised violence for this match and The Sheik said no different, so I expect this to be a shocking encounter.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They’ve been in some rings together, and against one another, but this is the first time these two will wrestle in a one on one match, and it is for the Hardkore West Coast Championship!
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit, and it is for the HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, the Challenger. Accompanied to the ring by Domino; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is The One Who Knocks…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
The Crypto Arena cheers wildly as Dan Stein holds up The Peacemaker with Domino applauding
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the LA fans cheer as Malcolm Xavier Graves walks out with Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves says that Dan Stein’s penchant for hunting shows he doesn’t know about true survival and what it means to genuinely suffer.
Bill Blauer: He feels Dan doesn’t get The Sheik and the depravity he’s willing to sink to, to keep his Hardkore West Coast Championship.
The Sheik slides into the ring and flinches towards Dan Stein, but he’s not intimidated
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik has been in the ring with former Hardkore West Coast Champion Eron Hunter, Dylan Black, and Donzig as of late, so he’s battle tested and ready to defend his West Coast title against the 20 year veteran.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Great King of Terror; The Current HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…THE SHEIK!!!”
The Los Angeles crowd cheers as the two men stare at one another from across the ring but then “Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays.
The crowd gives one sour reaction as…not Captain Righteous…but Lady Liberty comes walking out.
Bill Blauer: What is this about?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Captain Righteous’ unwilling sidekick, Lady Liberty.
Phillip Blauer: I’m proud that in 2024, there are now lady superheroes to rescue women from lady problems. Like getting ready for something that started a half hour ago.
Lady Liberty is shy and uncomfortable looking as she raises the microphone to her mouth.
Lady Liberty: “I..I didn't want to do this Mr. Stein…but per my appeasement clause…”
Phillip Blauer: I gotta get his lawyer!
She unfolds a piece of…toilet paper…where something is clearly written quickly.
Lady Liberty: “Quote…’Dan Stein. Fuck you. Suspect number one in my books. You're rotten to the core man, more stinky then this shit I'm taking while writing this. You have these people FOOLED! THE POOR DUPES! But not me, not Captain Righteous. I can smell a villain from a mile away, you stink like yesterday's fish. You'll see me around buddy, to make you feel more inferior I've sent my ward to let you know all of this…*insert fart noise*’...unquote.”
Lady Liberty shrugs and vacates the ramp space, but Captain Righteous pokes his head out yelling something at Lady Liberty who turns once more toward Stein.
Lady Liberty: “PS….I know there wasn't a reason to accuse Stein but I don't need a reason for Dan he just makes me sick.”
And with that Lady Liberty dives to the safety of backstage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This investigation has just become a travesty.
Phillip Blauer: Let’s not dismiss it outright. Dan has all those trophies from hunting animals, maybe he decided to switch to The Most Dangerous Game: Man.
Bill Blauer: With skittles?
Phillip Blauer: But The Most Dangerous Skittle: Red.
Hardkore West Coast Championship
Richie Richardson rings the bell, and Dan Stein walks over and offers his hand to The Sheik
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein with a show of respect, but The Sheik just stares at his hand.
Dan Stein nods and then puts his dukes up, and The Sheik does the same
Guillermo O’Bannon: They meet at the center ring and just start pummeling each other with punches!
Bill Blauer: Both men giving as good as they’re getting!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein knees him in the stomach and literally tosses The Sheik into the corner like a sack of potatoes!
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein rams his shoulder into Sheik’s stomach a few times, and then chokes him with his boot.
Richie Richardson gives Dan till a count of five to break it, and then taps his shoulder to release the choke
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein irish whips him into the corner, but The Sheik hops onto the middle turnbuckle and jumps back with a leg lariat!
Bill Blauer: The Sheik irish whips him into the ropes and hits him with a clothesline, but Dan just looks at him!
The LA fans pop as Dan Stein offers him another chance to try. Sheik looks back at Malcolm Xavier Graves
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits the ropes and runs right into a discus clothesline by Dan Stein!
Bill Blauer: That nearly took his head off!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls him up into a shinbreaker atomic drop!
The Sheik hobbles a few feet in front of him, and then Dan Stein lifts him up into a suplex, but hangs him up there. Flashes from cell phones all over the Crypto Arena as Dan Stein shows off his power
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein showing how effortlessly he can hold The Sheik up into the air.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Punisher finally drops The Sheik in a jumping vertical suplex!
The crowd applauds as The Sheik sits up and falls back down from the impact. Malcolm Xavier Graves yells some encouragement to The Sheik while Domino applauds on the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein pulls The Sheik up into a bearhug. He clamps down on the small of Sheik’s back, cutting off his breathing.
MXG pounds on the apron, getting the LA audience to clap along with him. The Sheik’s head rises off of Dan Stein’s shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time The Sheik wrestled here was in February of 2023 when he lost the exploding barbed wire death match to Donzig at the Battle of Los Angeles. Before that, this is where he first won the Hardkore West Coast Championship over “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar and Natalie Burrows back in August of 2022.
Bill Blauer: Now he tries to defend that very same championship here tonight by somehow getting out of this bearhug!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik starts punching his way out of the bearhug. He cracks Stein with a few right hands, until he is out of his clutches.
Bill Blauer: The Sheik runs into the ropes and hits Dan Stein with a slingblade!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik pulls him up into a butterfly position, and then spikes his head into the mat with a double underhook DDT!
The Sheik runs into the ropes and then drops a leg across Dan Stein’s face. He makes a cover as Richie Richardson slides into position
…ONE!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik headbutts Dan Stein over and over!
Bill Blauer: Sheik mirroring The Detroit Hangover with those repeated headbutts!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik sits out into a facebuster for The Detroit Hangover!!
The crowd cheers The Sheik doing Dan Stein’s move. The Sheik pulls him up into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein lifts him up into a fireman’s carry. He pitches The Sheik over into a ushigoroshi neckbreaker across his knee!!
Bill Blauer: Stein irish whips The Sheik into the ropes and tiltawhirls him into a backbreaker!
The Sheik flops around on the mat like a fish out of water, clutching his lower back. Domino cheers at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein pulls The Sheik up into a front facelock and jumps into an edgecution DDT!
The impact bounces The Sheik up onto his knees and then back down on his face. Dan Stein pulls him up into a full nelson
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein thrashing The Sheik from side to side, pushing his chin into his chest!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie Richardson checks in but The Sheik refuses to give up to the full nelson! Stein laces his fingers together and pushes down on Sheik’s head.
Bill Blauer: The Sheik mule kicks Dan Stein to escape the full nelson!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs into the ropes and finally takes him down with a clothesline!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls a table out from under the ring!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He slides the table under the ropes, into the ring. Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope and then comes down with a leg drop across Stein’s throat!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Bill Blauer: The Sheik sets up that table against the turnbuckles. He pulls Dan Stein up by the hair.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik irish whips Dan Stein into the table, breaking it in half!!
The Los Angeles fans cheer wildly! Richie Richardson covers his forehead in shock. MXG tells him to follow up
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs in with a leg drop to the back of Dan Stein’s head, further breaking that table in the corner!!
The crowd chants “SHEIK!! SHEIK!! SHEIK!!” while Malcolm Xavier Graves pounds on the apron with his cane
Bill Blauer: Sheik goes for a piledriver but the big man, Dan Stein blocks it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein picks him up, and then pitches him forward with an alabama slammer!!
The Crypto Arena lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Sheik’s head rocking against the canvas. Domino commands Dan to stay on him, so he pulls Sheik up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein rolls him around, and then drops down into a hangman’s neckbreaker!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein applies a fujiwara armbar. He grinds The Sheik’s shoulder into the mat, while cranking up on that arm!
The Sheik shakes his head, refusing to give up to Richie Richardson. The Sheik reaches out for the bottom rope, but it is too far away
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein releases the fujiwara armbar and walks back to the ropes. When The Sheik gets to his feet, Stein begins to charge, but Malcolm Xavier Graves trips him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik basement dropkicks Dan Stein to the floor!
The Sheik rolls out of the ring to the floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls out a table from underneath the ring, and the Los Angeles crowd buzzes with anticipation.
Bill Blauer: MXG introducing a table into the equation. He bridges it across the railing and the ring apron.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls Dan Stein up, and cracks him with a back elbow. He rolls Dan Stein onto the table and then rolls back into the ring.
Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls a chair out from underneath the ring, and slides it under the bottom rope. The Sheik takes the chair and sets it up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits the ropes and then vaults off the chair onto the middle of the top rope. He springboards into a splash onto Stein on the table on the floor!!
The Crypto Arena lets out a loud “OH!!” at the sound of the table cracking. Sheik and Dan Stein lie on top of one another on the broken table
Bill Blauer: The Sheik rolls Dan Stein back into the ring, and follows him in. He pulls him up and pops him with a couple of hard right hands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein ducks one of the right hands and gets behind him with a full nelson!
Bill Blauer: Stein locks those thick fingers together and pushes Sheik’s chin into his chest.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He thrashes The Sheik from side to side, trying to force a submission out of him!
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in but The Sheik refuses to give up. Malcolm Xavier Graves shouts instructions on how to escape from ringside
Bill Blauer: The Sheik finally mule kicks Dan Stein to escape the full nelson.
Domino complains about the low blow to Richie Richardson, while Dan Stein grabs the chair Sheik left by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein comes over with the chair, but The Sheik basement dropkicks his legs out from under him, and his face hits the chair!
Bill Blauer: The Sheik takes the chair and leg drops it across Stein’s face!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik takes the chair and sets it up in front of Dan Stein. He gets a running start and clotheslines him over the ropes onto the floor below!
The fans cheer. Malcolm Xavier Graves slides a table out from underneath the ring, and begins setting it up
Bill Blauer: The Sheik pulls Dan Stein up, but Dan knees him in the stomach. He grabs Sheik by the hair and bashes his face into the steel railing!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein scoops The Sheik up and running powerslams his head into the ringpost!!
The LA audience lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Sheik’s head ringing off the corner post. Dan Stein rolls The Sheik back into the ring, as MXG is sneaking up on him. Domino alerts Stein to Graves’ presence and he turns around
Bill Blauer: Uh oh!
Phillip Blauer: The Danimal is alot bigger up close.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves trying to sweet talk Dan Stein, but Dan is not hearing any of it!
Bill Blauer: But The Sheik comes over the top with a triple jump senton off of that chair by the ropes onto Dan Stein on the floor!!
The Sheik rolls into the ring, with blood leaking from a cut over his eyebrow. Dan Stein crawls back into the ring and pulls himself up by the ropes
Bill Blauer: The Sheik baseball slides into Dan Stein’s calves, clipping his feet out from under him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik hits the ropes, hops off the chair onto the middle of the top rope, turns around and catches Dan Stein with a springboard tornado DDT!
The Sheik pulls Dan Stein up and slugs him. Dan falls into the ropes, to where his butt is resting on the middle rope, and his chest is behind the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik sets the chair up in front of Dan Stein and then hits the ropes. He dives with a clothesline, but Stein catches him and belly to belly suplexes him off the apron through the table on the floor!!
The crowd roars and chants “DAN! DAN! DAN!” as Dan pumps himself up on the apron. Malcolm Xavier Graves tends to a bloody Sheik on the broken table
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein pulls him up and tucks his head into The Sheik’s legs. He lifts him up and then pitches him forward into an alabama slammer onto the broken table!!
The Sheik arches his back in pain as the broken pieces of wood impale his back. Dan Stein rolls him back into the ring
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Bill Blauer: Stein climbs back into the ring and presses The Sheik over his head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan deposits him hard on the mat! Dan Stein lifts him up onto his shoulders in a fireman’s carry. He flips his neck onto his knee with a ushigoroshi!
Phillip Blauer: Was that an ushigoroshi? (puts on his reading glasses) Oh, you might be right.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein lifts him up into an abdominal stretch. He uses all 6 feet 7 inches of that frame to pull Sheik into a rack across his body as Sheik drips blood on to the mat.
Some of the fans chant for Sheik to escape the bearhug, while MXG pounds his cane on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein pulls him down into a d’arce choke! He rolls Sheik over onto his back, and clamps down on his windpipe/
The crowd cheers and Malcolm Xavier Graves looks panicked. Sheik rolls back onto his stomach, but Dan uses his body weight on Sheik’s head to increase the pressure
Bill Blauer: The Sheik uses his free arm to punch his way out of it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He irish whips Dan Stein into the ropes and takes him down with a slingblade!
The Sheik goes through the ropes to the outside and then slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik leaps off with a springboard crossbody!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Sheik stomps Dan Stein over and over, and then pulls him up to his feet. He irish whips Stein into the corner.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He charges in with a heel kick! He grabs Stein by the hair and walks him out to the center of the ring. Sheik sits out into a facebuster!
The Crypto Arena cheers as The Sheik steps up to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik flips back into a moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein slowly gets to his feet, as The Sheik waiting to pounce.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope and then comes back with a springboard back elbow, but Stein ducks!
Bill Blauer: “The Punisher” Dan Stein hits the ropes on the other side and flips The Sheik end over end with The Stein Line!!
The Los Angeles crowd leaps to its feet as Domino jumps up and down in celebration. Dan Stein drops to his knees in exhaustion and makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Malcolm Xavier Graves breaks his cane over Dan Stein’s head!!
The Crypto Arena rocks with boos and MXG stands over Stein…who looks up at him
Bill Blauer: He’s indestructible!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein has had quite enough of Malcolm Xavier Graves, and from the sound of it, so has LA!
Dan Stein stands up with murder in his eyes, pointing at a terrified MXG
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein gorilla presses MXG over his head!
The audience is deafening as Dan Stein walks Malcolm Xavier Graves around the ring. The manager begs to be put down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous leaping crescent kicks Stein in the face while he’s got Graves over his head!!
Bill Blauer: What is he doing here??
Phillip Blauer: Maybe he’s decided not to look after Dorothy’s murderer, um, cause of her death after all?
The boos are deafening as Captain Righteous pulls Dan Stein up and headbutts him over and over
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous giving him those Of Righteous Gods headbutts, in the middle of our West Coast title match!
Bill Blauer: He turns him around into a full nelson, and The Sheik is now up and hits him with his black mass kick!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Scimitar!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Bill Blauer: Oh come on!
“Seasons In The Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the boos rain down. Captain Righteous stands near Dan Stein looking down with a curled lip
Greg Jin: “At 25 minutes 32 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…THE SHEIK!!!”
A hurt Malcolm Xavier Graves gets the Hardkore West Coast Championship and crawls over to a bleeding Sheik to hand him the belt
Guillermo O’Bannon: I thought The Sheik was better than that.
Bill Blauer: I knew Malcolm Xavier Graves wasn’t, but I have to say, I am surprised that The Sheik would take this route to keep his Hardkore West Coast Championship.
The Sheik rolls out of the ring, with a limping MXG behind him. The Sheik’s face is mask of blood as he holds the Hardkore West Coast Championship over his shoulder. Captain Righteous steps through the ropes and walks out to the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein has also lost his first match in Los Angeles in his 20 year career which I’m sure is the last thing on his mind, after losing a chance at the Hardkore West Coast Championship, thanks to Captain Righteous’ maniacal investigation into the murder of Dorothy.
Phillip Blauer: (wipes a tear) It’s what Dorothy would have wanted.
Domino helps Dan Stein up, who immediately begins looking for Captain Righteous but he’s gone
Man stands in front of a chroma background that says “Anthony Dipesto 2024. Time’s Up.”
Anthony Dipesto: Hello, my name is Anthony Dipesto and I am running for Palm Springs city council. I am running because our current city council includes 5 men and a lady who got a divorce who were very rude to me when I spoke at the meetings every week. One time, the one that shops at Trader Joe’s, if ya know what I mean, told me that if I thought I could do a better job, I was free to run for a seat. So that’s what I did. And let me tell you. It was far from free. Just another lie from The Swamp. This commercial alone means I’m not gonna be able to swing my mortgage again this month, but it’ll be worth it when I get on that city council and show those 5 guys and the divorced lady who’s got a daughter that stays home from school sometimes and she doesn’t seem that sick, that they’re not better than me. Now some people say “Tony, you can’t get into politics for petty spite.” And to that I say, “Yes, I can, Ma.”
His background becomes a waving flag
Anthony Dipesto: Because all of us have been Anthony Depesto’s at one point in our life. Maybe you weren’t invited to your wife’s birthday party. Now you can show the fatcats in Washington and Palm Springs that they’re time is up. And our time is now. How can you do that? By voting for me and not those 5 guys and the woman who has split custody and when her kids aren’t home and I saw her smoke a cigarette once.
Push in to a tight shot
Anthony Dipesto: Time’s up, Diane.
Open on a somber looking Guillermo, Phil, and Bill
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans I have to admit, I’m not sure what’s happening here tonight with our Hardkore World Tag Team title match. As we’ve all heard, Steve Awesome tragically passed away last week. The wrestling world is still reeling from the shocking news.
Bill Blauer: Unimportant by those standards, but still, there’s been little word on who is replacing him in the match tonight against The End
Guillermo O’Bannon: I guess we’ll all find out together.
Greg Jin: “Ladies and Gentleman, the following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first…THE ANOINTED!”
The audience all cranes their heads to the entrance, waiting to see who comes out
A thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere. AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. Hasbulla walks behind him, angrily blowing his whistle
Guillermo O’Bannon: What? AVB? Where is El Rey?
Alexander Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his face
Bill Blauer: I don’t understand this, Alexander Von Blankenship coming out by himself, is El Rey coming? Is he in the arena?
Phillip Blauer: Must you know everything? It’s really tiresome. Why can’t you let some things just be?
Toulouse the Masseuse: Relax, Phil. You have undone all the work I have done in your infraspinatus and your supraspinatus.
Phillip Blauer: See what you’ve done?? Now my supraspinatus?! Do you know how much that will cost me?
AVB looks out at the crowd, his smirk now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring he points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better than you" as he goes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I see Von Blankenship still has his classic charm.
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, he gives the ring a father son and holy sport blessing before climbing the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd he yells out "Always Very Blessed" before jumping down into the ring. Hasbulla antagonizes the fans with
Phillip Blauer: See? I like when you guys are the ones that are confused. Not so fun is it?
An eerie cold silence drops over the venue as an ominous chanting begins while the lighting begins to darken.
Once the building is shrouded in darkness, the sound system and the people are shocked awake by the explosion of the heavily distorted guitars beginning the intro riff to the music. Pale green and murky orange lights circle the building and pulse lightly with the beat of the music. Two spotlights appear in the middle of the entrance way. From the shadows, out walk two men to take their spots. Mehrunes Smith, in his trademarked leather coat, strokes at the tentacles of his mask as he surveys the buildings from behind the dead black eyes of the mask while Scott Fargo has his sights lasered in on the direction of the ring while he unzips his black hoodie. While making their walk, Smith continues to glare around out at the people while Fargo continues a determined walk his body swaying with the rough beat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The End has been a dominant tag team force since winning the titles in that ladder match in October in Palm Springs.
Bill Blauer: They recently lost their XHF Global Tag Team Championships to His Royal Highness King Edmund IV of Supremia at DTF Diamond Mine 6 in Las Vegas.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s true, they need to figure out what went wrong in Vegas to make sure it doesn’t happen here in LA.
Bill Blauer: With the unexplained situation of their opponents, I’m not sure they even know what’s going to happen here in LA.
As they near the ring, Smith takes the stairs and skirts along the apron, gesturing out to the crowd as he does. Fargo rolls in under the bottom rope and pounces to his feet. Smith crouches down in the ring and faces toward the hard camera with a tilted head, Fargo poses behind him taking off his hoodie and holding it above his head.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, featuring first, from Lafayette, Louisiana; Standing 5 feet 9 inches tall; Weighing 201 pounds…MEHRUNES SMITH!! His partner is from Minneapolis, Minnesota; Standing 6 feet 3 inches, and Weighing 250 pounds…SCOTT FARGO!! They are The Current HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…This Is THE END!!!”
The crowd gives them a confused reaction, as they wait for the other shoe to drop
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell as a confident Alexander Von Blankenship waits in his corner. A suspicious Scott Fargo tells Mehrunes Smith to start off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mehrunes Smith goes to lock up with AVB, but Von Blankenship slaps him!
The audience groans as AVB smirks and backs up. Mehrunes Smith charges in but Von Blankenship ducks his head through the ropes, so Kelly O’Connell stops him
Bill Blauer: As usual, AVB trying to play head games with Mehrunes Smith. We’ll see if it’s effective in throwing him off his game.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship comes back out of the corner, but Mehrunes Smith arm drags him and applies a kimura!
Bill Blauer: Doesn’t look like it threw Mehrunes Smith off his game, it just made him mad!
The crowd cheers as Mehrunes Smith pulls down on Von Blankenship’s wrist, and torques his elbow. As a panicked AVB tries to get to the ropes
Bill Blauer: AVB is able to get his foot under the bottom rope, and Kelly O’Connell forces Mehrunes Smith to break the kimura.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up into a half nelson hammerlock, and then tiger suplexes him!
…ONE!
…Alexander Von Blankenship rolls his shoulder up!
Phillip Blauer: Look at the valiant display of Alexander Von Blankenship, an immigrant kid who started with nothing but a famous Dad and a small fortune, and pulled himself up by his own designer boot straps, and now may win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles! You couldn’t write a better story of the American dream!
Bill Blauer: That’s actually pretty true.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mehrunes Smith pulls him up by the hair, but AVB pokes him in the eye.
Bill Blauer: Alexander Von Blankenship punches him with a couple of right hands. Smith tries to counter with a side kick, but AVB catches his leg.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Smith swings around with an enzuigiri kick to the side of Von Blankenship’s head!
The LA fans let out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Mehrunes Smith’s boot hitting Alexander Von Blankenship’s skull. Smth pulls him up by the hair, as AVB appears to dig into his tights
Guillermo O’Bannon: Smith pulls AVB over to the corner, but Von Blankenship turns around and punches Scott Fargo in the face!
Bill Blauer: Wow, did Fargo go down off the apron on that one!
Phillip Blauer: What can you say? Guy’s got a glass chin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait? What does Alexander have in his hand?
Mehrunes Smith grabs AVB’s hand and Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a tight shot of brass knuckles around his fist
Bill Blauer: Those are brass knuckles!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship knocked out Scott Fargo with a pair of brass knucks, and then his head cracked the concrete on the way down. He is out cold on the floor!
Phillip Blauer: Look, those guys were ganging up on him and the young lad was merely defending himself.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mehrunes Smith has the brass knuckles now, but AVB kicks him in the balls from behind!
Phillip Blauer: Well, he can’t let Smith have them. They just knocked his partner goofy.
The audience boos as AVB mercilessly stomps Mehrunes Smith, who is still recovering from the nut shot. Suddenly, the audience all starts craning their necks over to the entrance
Bill Blauer: Who is this?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Marty Donovan!
Phillip Blauer: What is he doing here?? Was something not about him for 5 seconds?
The crowd erupts with cheers and Marty Donovan goes over to check on Scott Fargo. Inside the ring, Alexander Von Blankenship scoops up Mehrunes Smith and tosses him across the ring in a fallaway slam
Phillip Blauer: For Pete’s sake, what is he doing now?
Bill Blauer: He’s getting on the apron!
The audience roars as Marty Donovan puts his hand out for Mehrunes Smith to tag
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty was without a partner for much of the match earlier tonight, and he knows how that feels!
Bill Blauer: Anything to cost The Anointed the tag team titles.
Phillip Blauer: And Kelly is just going to allow this?
Bill and Guillermo just shrug. Inside the ring, Alexander Von Blankenship notices Marty on the apron. He gets a look of anger and then irish whips Mehrunes Smith into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship catches Smith with a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mehrunes Smith kicks out!
AVB gets up, frustrated and spits at Marty Donovan on the apron
Bill Blauer: Disgusting.
Phillip Blauer: It’s how he expresses himself when he can’t use his words.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship pulls him up into a powerbomb, but Mehrunes Smith takes him over into a huracanrana!!
The crowd leaps to their feet! Mehrunes Smith begins crawling to his corner as the Los Angeles audience urges him on
Bill Blauer: Mehrunes Smith is almost there!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He tags in Marty Donovan!
The fans jump up and down as Marty points at a panic stricken Alexander Von Blankenship. Hasbulla blows his whistle in protest to Kelly O’Connell for letting this happen
Bill Blauer: Alexander Von Blankenship trying to take back all the bad things he said about Marty but there isn’t time!
AVB gets down on his knees and begs for forgiveness but Marty shakes his head, telling him to “Get his ass up!”
Phillip Blauer: Is there no such thing as compassion anymore? Has mercy become the new horse and buggy?
Guillermo O’Bannon: After all The Anointed has put Marty through, I don’t think amnesty is at the front of his mind right now.
Marty Donovan frames Alexander Von Blankenship up with his fingers and runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan comes full speed ahead and…hits Mehrunes Smith with the Dis-Knee!?!
Bill Blauer: Did he miss?
The confused crowd rocks with boos that get louder and louder as a smile creeps across Alexander Von Blankenship’s face
Bill Blauer: Wait a second…
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, you don’t think…
AVB stands up and pulls Mehrunes Smith’s head into his legs and lifts him up into a crucifix, then drops him down into a razor’s edge
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Plague!! Scott Fargo has finally climbed back up to the apron, but Marty gives him a DisKnee as well, knocking him back to the floor!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The bell rings and The Crypto Arena rocks with boos, “Blessed Up’ by Wande plays and the fans toss garbage into the ring
Greg Jin: “At 10 minutes 6 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND ONCE AGAIN HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP AND MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
Marty Donovan and AVB take the tag team belts and hold them up, as they duck debris being thrown into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Have Marty and AVB reunited?!?
Bill Blauer: After all that? He never cared about the fans!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why would Marty do all that after the people in the stands and the boys in the back supported him?
Phillip Blauer: I guess we’ll have to see.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The End was absolutely ambushed in this match, this was not a fair fight.
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. gets pelted with trash as he tries to protect the new Hardkore World Tag Team Champions Van Blankenship and Donovan as they walk to the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, fans, we still have the LA Freeway match coming up in our main event!
Open on a used car lot in Palm Springs Toyota where the salesman is showing off the cars
Ben: Hi Coachella Valley, this is Ben Jrenkin over at Palm Springs Toyota, a big sponsor of Hardkore World, where we have provided many of the cars that that are used in the LA Freeway matches. Those vehicles will be available for collectors, or just people that appreciate a safe and reliable vehicle. But not only that, come on down to Palm Springs Toyota where we have the 2022 Highlander.
Ben walks up to the Highlander and opens the back passenger door
Ben: Look at that backseat. You could take quite the snooze back here.
Ben gets in the backseat and gets comfortable.
Ben: Oh yeah. You would be very snug in here. Get yourself a thermos of soup from the diner, come back here, eat your dinner. You could listen to the radio. Oh yeah, this is better than my house. You could live back here…
He straightens up
Ben: If you had to. I’m just saying with this roomy interior and our zero down financing, if she decides that she just doesn’t love you anymore and maybe never did, you could have quite the life back here. Look!
Ben gets out of the backseat and opens the passenger front door. He opens the glove box and reveals hundreds of condiment packets
Ben: Look at all these. No matter if you’re eating Chinese back here, and they forgot your duck sauce. It’s right here. I even got croutons for when you’re eating a car salad.
Ben chuckles, then stares off into the distance. The memories of her all come rushing back. All the late nights, the long talks, the arguments, the laughter. If he could only just talk to her. To show her how he’s changed and it’s all gonna be different. Then he notices the camera
Ben: So come on down to Palm Springs Toyota. Because who knows if you’re always gonna be living in some big fancy house with somewhere to change your underwear?
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: Recently we lost one of the very greats this business had left, Steve Awesome.
The audience buzzes with emotion and applause. A shot cuts to different people getting choked up, misty, and some openly crying
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: I signed Steve Awesome to be a big star here, and he was. But much more than that, he was a dear friend of mine. This is the biggest shock I’ve ever had as a promoter. Every day seems different that he isn’t around, and the loss felt in that locker room, with the boys and girls in the back, is something I have never seen in my 36 years in this business.
The Crypto Arena chants “AWESOME! AWESOME! AWESOME!” Jonnie Valentine tries his best to hold it together, nodding in solidarity with the heartbroken fans
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: Steve Awesome. His name was a confession. He did it all in this business. Two time X Crown Champion, Two time XHF World Tag Team Champion, Hardkore World Tag Team Champion, two time time NCW World Champion, IWF World Champion, and XHF Hardcore Champion. He was one of the biggest draws in the XHF and Hardkore World.
The fans cheer and Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes shots of the signs in the crowd that say “Steve Awesome = Not Safe For Wrestling”, “I Stood In Line To See Shitstorm 5”, “Blast of Class - Steve Awesome”, “Awesome - Prettiest Player in the Game”, ”Barry Wimbledon”, “RIP: Steve Awesome”, and “Steve Awesome: The Face of the Franchise”
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: Many people knew Steve better than I did, but one thing I know about him is that he would want us to have a great show tonight! So let’s not only do that, but give him the greatest show he’s ever seen to watch from up there tonight, and every night!
The LA fans pop
Fade out to a shot of Guillermo O’Bannon, Bill Blauer, and Phil Blauer, who is surrounded by an entourage of hangers on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello everyone and welcome to LA, Hardkore World’s second home! I’m Guillermo O’Bannon, next to me is my new co-announcer, Bill Blauer, and as always…Phil. Phil, I want to take this moment to offer my sincere condolences on the passing…
Phillip Blauer: Untimely passing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Agree to disagree. Of your wife Dorothy.
Phillip Blauer: Thank you, Giancarlo. She was cut down in the prime of her life…
Bill Blauer: She was 106, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sorry, why is he still here?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jonnie said focus groups complained that there was too much dead air during the action.
Phillip Blauer: Focus groups?
Bill Blauer: YouTube comments.
A swan honks loudly next to Guillermo, scaring him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, I for one am glad that Bill is now a permanent addition to our broadcast team…
A swan honks loudly next to Guillermo, scaring him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Goddamnit, Phil! Why did you have to bring your swans? They freak me out.
Phillip Blauer: Dorothy’s not there to watch them anymore, remember? Hello? Guy with dead wife over here!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, get them away from me. This one keeps eating my formats.
Phillip Blauer: Alistar? Champagne? Over here.. You’re just hungry.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who are all these people?
Phillip Blauer: Well, as some of you may know, I have come into some money since my wife’s passing.
Bill Blauer: Her will has already been executed?
Phillip Blauer: I’m not a dog waiting for a bone, Brian…
Guillermo O’Bannon: You can’t remember your own twin brother’s name?
Bill Blauer: Never could.
Phillip Blauer: (waves a credit card) That’s where this bad boy comes in.
Bill Blauer: Phil, as your brother, and a lawyer, I can’t describe how bad an idea that is.
Phillip Blauer: Jonnie hired you as a commentator and you “can’t describe how bad an idea that is?” It’s kind of your job, Bucko.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, we’ve told you about the “Bucko” thing…
Phillip Blauer: You see, now you’ve got me all tense. Toulouse?
A large muscle bound man steps forward out of Phil’s entourage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who is this?
Phillip Blauer: This is Toulouse, my masseuse.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But you can remember his name?
Phillip Blauer: Hey, it rhymes.
Toulouse starts working out the knots in Phil’s shoulders
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, we’ve got an amazing show for you here in LA tonight. Kilroy Evans shocked the World in San Diego, defeating Cross Recoba for both the X Crown and Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Tonight he puts the Hardkore World Championship on the line against Florida Man in the infamous LA Freeway Match.
Phillip Blauer: (to Toulouse) Little lower. The Florida Man has wanted Kilroy Evans ever since he stuck his runny nose in his business with Greg. Now The Florida Man gets to take his revenge and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
Bill Blauer: I think it's just Florida Man, not The Florida Man.
Phillip Blauer: I think I know the guy’s name, thank you very much.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy was sticking up for Greg Jin, our ring announcer, and back in October, Florida Man cost him the chance to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles with The Sheik in Palm Springs. So Kilroy will be looking to get a little payback himself.
Giovanni the Swami: That won’t be happening.
Guillermo throws his pen over his shoulder in frustration
Bill Blauer: Now who is this?
Phillip Blauer: This is Giovanni the Swami. He’s my psychic. He’s never wrong. He was able to accurately predict that Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande’s relationship would not work out.
Giovanni humbly nods, then puts his hand to his forehead suddenly
Giovanni the Swami: Wait! I’ve had a vision!
Phillip Blauer: (shushing everyone) Shh, shh! These are always good!
Giovanni the Swami: Jason Statham will die!
Phillip Blauer: Wow, when?
Giovanni puts his hand to his forehead and seeks the answer
Giovanni the Swami: In the next 20 to 30 years.
Phillip Blauer: Amazing. I wouldn’t want to be that guy!
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the Los Angeles fans cheer wildly as “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse dances at the top of the ramp with Mary Yellowbird at his side.
Phillip Blauer: Here’s that homewrecker. They way he danced for my Dorothy…it haunts my dreams.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse getting over a flu recently which hampered him in his San Diego match with Syberus.
Phillip Blauer: Keep him away from me! Doctor?
Doctor Proctor: Yes?
Bill Blauer: Come on, you have your own personal physician now?
Phillip Blauer: I’m rich now. No more visiting horse doctors and taking half the medicine for me. (to Doctor Proctor) This guy has the flu, what can you give me to protect myself?
Doctor Proctor: This is my special recipe of ingredients that will boost your antibodies and extricate dangerous toxins from your body. It’s made of shark fin, tiger’s tooth, and gorilla blood.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That looks like a Motrin.
Phillip Blauer: You’re not a doctor! (to Doctor Proctor) Gimme that!
Phil snatches the pill out of Doctor Proctor’s hand and swallows it, washing it down with a belt of 20 year old scotch
Phillip Blauer: Oh yeah, I can feel the gorilla tooth working already.
Yolanda Ando: Joey Little Horse wears a small loin cloth with yellow trunks underneath.
Joey Little Horse slaps hands with his adoring crowd as the fan with the “El Exotico’s Dancing Never Hurt Nobody!” sign gets in the shot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird had some concern in her voice about this match when talking to Kevin Valentine Jr.
Phillip Blauer: Everyone should be concerned talking to that little stooge.
Bill Blauer: That’s right, Guillermo. She even threatened to get physically involved if things get out of hand with Captain Righteous.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentleman and welcome to the Crypto.com Arena and tonight’s action from Hardkore World!”
The fans cheer
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mary Yellowbird; From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
A choir of children begin to sing after a lengthy sinister haunting piano melody is played, searchlights look around the arena for none other than Captain Righteous who comes floating down from above the crowd. His cape flaps majestically as he rests both hands on his waist, smiling and scanning the booing crowd below. A fan holds up a sign that says “Captain Self Righteous”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous making his grand entrance after his recent quick wins over Moondog Dook, The Martian and Scorpion.
Bill Blauer: But tonight he takes on the 20 year veteran “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse who is no pushover.
Phillip Blauer: I bet I could push him over for enticing my sweet Dorothy so. Toulouse! Crouch down behind him!
Toulouse the Masseuse: Oui?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: You’re right. That’s just the hurt talking. I miss her infectious laughter followed by several minutes of hacking cough. I miss her falling asleep with a cigarette and how the firemen would let me ring the bell afterwards.
Bill Blauer: I know, brother…
Phillip Blauer: (screeching) DON’T TOUCH ME!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous was given a new partner, Lady Liberty by the mysterious board he seems to answer to.
Phillip Blauer: Look, I’m the first guy to tell you having a partner sucks, but this guy needs all the help he can. Recently during heavy storms, a local dam was about to break and flood the city.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Was he able to fix the dam?
Phillip Blauer: There wasn’t time! But he was able to guide the flood to the lower income areas so that the valuable real estate in the area was unaffected. My garden party went off without a hitch!
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Manhattan, Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 275 pounds; The Hardkore Superhero…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
The audience jeers the superhero loudly. Righteous stalks the ring like the true apex predator staring down “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse, and a nervous Mary Yellowbird. Captain Righteous requests a microphone.
Captain Righteous: “I won't be wasting time with this, I know you fine folks of Los Angeles came to watch me totally dominate Joey Rides A Horse and oh I'm going to give it to you because justice…must start somewhere…but do you know what smells like a bunch of hooey?”
Phillip Blauer: He’s referring to you, Garvin.
Captain Righteous smirks, his face despite the charming smile harbors a far more sinister look. He holds up a finger, thick red covered gloves adorn his hands.
Captain Righteous: “106 year old ladies do NOT just drop dead people!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes, they do!
Bill Blauer: That’s pretty much all they do.
Phillip Blauer: No. She also smoked. And she…took medicine.
Captain Righteous: There has been a murder and I, Captain Righteous, protector of the world and its space territories, will make it my solemn duty to solve this murder of Dorothy Blauer!”
He was intense and for a moment in his righteous anger Captain Righteous lost his composure, he paused to collect himself.
Phillip Blauer: (gulps) Oh, uh, that’s nice but he doesn’t have to. He seems busy with you know, Ukraine and Uranus.
Captain Righteous: “Here is what I know: the autopsy indicated she died from an allergic reaction to Skittles specifically…red dye #40…suspect numero uno…JOEY RIDES A HORSE!”
He points towards Joey Little Horse accusingly, a little tuft of perfect blonde hair falling out of place.
Captain Righteous: “And oh buddy boy do I have my suspicions, you lusting and gusting little man I saw…the world saw how you gushed over little Dorothy! How you writhed and cavorted for the young lonely hearted woman, it was cringe Joey. You wanted her and you knew you couldn't have her! So what did he do? Left the bag of Skittles knowing…Knowing! She'd confuse them for her anti-dying medication! So come on buddy, come face your Righteous punishment!”
Casually tossing the mic Captain Righteous stood steadfast in the ring, hands clasped behind his back.
Captain Righteous vs. Joey Little Horse
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse responds with a sucker punch!
Phillip Blauer: Little Horse’s celebration ends quickly as Righteous was unphased.
Little Horse attempts some chops, but Righteous only continues to look down on him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse scrambles to the ropes and tries for a shoulder block, but Righteous stays standing!
The Crypto Arena boos. Joey Little Horse tries a second time, but only gets the same result
Bill Blauer: Little Horse scrambles to the ropes again, but this time hits a leaping shoulder block. Again, Captain Righteous doesn’t move.
Little Horse rushes up to his feet and backs away from Captain Righteous. Little Horse looks unsure of what to do and looks to Mary Yellowbird for advice
Bill Blauer: Joey Little Horse looks as though he has decided not to give Righteous a chance to get on offense.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse whacks Captain Righteous in the head with a tomahawk chop, and quickly takes him down with a snap suplex!
Captain Righteous looks annoyed as he sits back up.
Phillip Blauer: Rightfully so, I would be peeved.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous gets back up and is thrown over with a snapmare, which Little Horse transitions into a front face lock.
Phillip Blauer: Instead of running to the owner and getting Little Horse fired, Righteous simply stands up and tosses Little Horse over the top rope!
The LA crowd jeers as Captain Righteous exits the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous hits a running knee strike to the side of Little Horse’s head!
Bill Blauer: He picks Little Horse up and hits a one arm sidewalk slam!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse is in pain after landing on the thin padding above the concrete.
Captain Righteous throws Little Horse back into the ring to beat the ten count and rolls in behind him. Righteous makes a cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Righteous snorts with displeasure as he now has to continue wrestling Joey Little Horse.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous lifts Little Horse back to his feet, but Little Horse responds by rushing Righteous into the corner.
Bill Blauer: Little Horse drives his shoulder into the Righteous’s torso three times, then backs out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Righteous leaves the corner, “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse hits a powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Captain Righteous violently kicks out and tosses Little Horse a few feet in the air!
Little Horse motions to the fans, who clap in unison for him. He feels the momentum as Righteous gets up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse runs to Righteous, jumps up, and hits a tornado DDT!
The crowd pops and Little Horse sits up and smiles. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of Captain Righteous looking angry. Righteous sits up and glares at Little Horse as the cheers turn to jeers
Bill Blauer: Uh oh.
Phillip Blauer: That’s the look he gave to Mr Utopia when he invented a cure for cancer. They’re still finding little pieces of him and his cure all over the planet.
Joey Little Horse turns and looks shocked. Mary Yellowbird yells at Joey to get away
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous grabs Little Horse and hits a headbutt.
Bill Blauer: Little Horse hit a move close to the Captain’s “Righteous Purge”, and Captain Righteous may have taken that as a sign of disrespect.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous batters Joey Little Horse with headbutt after headbutt! Of Righteous Gods!
Bill Blauer: Joey’s on spaghetti legs!
Captain Righteous headbutts him over and over, then leads him to the corner. He front facelocks him and steps up onto the second turnbuckle. Righteous jumps off with his tornado DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous Purge!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"For the Damaged Coda" by Blonde Redhead plays and the audience boos. Captain Righteous looks down disdainfully at Joey Little Horse as he stands up. Mary Yellowbird quickly drags Joey to safety
Greg Jin: “At 8 minutes 17 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Giovanni the Swami: I knew that was going to happen.
Phillip Blauer: Wow! Can you believe it? This guy doesn’t miss!
Kelly O’Connell tries to raise Captain Righteous’ arm in victory but he gives her a withering look, so she thinks better of it. Suddenly, his expression changes and he smiles; waving at the booing Los Angeles crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous says he’s going to find who is responsible for Dorothy’s murder tonight!
Phillip Blauer: I appreciate that, but it’s really not necessary, Dorothy probably just wanted her killer to be happy and wealthy.
Open on a sandwich shop. The owner is a man dressed only in a towel behind the counter, next to his wife, also in a towel
Lenny: Well hello. I’m Lenny, Sagittarius. This is my lover and playmate Siobhan. I’m the owner of the newest sandwich shop in the Coachella Valley. Palm Swings Sandwiches. Now I know what you're thinking. “Hey, sexy guy. There’s a lot of places to get sandwiches around here. What makes your place so special?”
Fade to B roll of other employees, dressed only in towels, make sandwiches
Lenny’s voiceover: Because Palm Swings Sandwiches is the first 18 and over, alternative lifestyle sandwich shop. No longer do people who enjoy swinging have to eat sandwiches prepared by vanilla squares
Cut to a customer ordering
Customer: Hi, I’d like a turkey club?
Lenny: Aw yeah. You want that overstuffed?
Customer: Um, I guess.
Lenny: Have mercy. Now do you want that dry or do you want me to get it all wet for you, daddy?
Customer: I’m sorry? Oh, you mean oil and vinegar?
Lenny: We can start there, sure. Now, let’s talk about that pickle of yours…
Cut to a shot of Larry and Siobhan licking either side of the chewing customer’s cheeks
Palm Swings Sandwiches, off of Highway 111!
Fade back up on Guillermo, Bill, Phil, and a bevy of hangers on surrounding Phil. One of Phil’s swans has perched on Guillermo’s seat and is staring down at him. Guillermo looks up at it and gulps.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil? Can you get this one down?
Phillip Blauer: Alistar? Lemme try. He might be the one that only understands Maltese. Alistar, gidma lil dak ir-raġel? (Alistar, bite that man)
The swan takes a big chomp on the top of Guillermo’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ow! Ow! Phil, get him to stop!
Phillip Blauer: I’m trying! Goldfish għal jiem jekk nara demm! (Goldfish for days if I see blood)
The swan bites Guillermo furiously
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ow! Fucking thing!
Phillip Blauer: Don’t judge him! He’s in mourning!
The Crypto Arena’s lights cut and the old Indian head "Please Stand By" TV signal fills the screens.
"Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle starts up and the crowd reach their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage. Syb takes a brief look around at the cheering crowd before heading down the ramp
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s got my ear!
Phillip Blauer: I’m on it. Ejja hawn Alistar, tbiegħed mir-raġel diżgustanti. (Come over here Alistar, get away from the nasty man.)
Phil pulls the swan away from Guillermo
Guillermo O’Bannon: (rubbing his ear) Am I gonna need shots?
Phillip Blauer: No, of course not.
Doctor Proctor: Provided you are vaccinated for psittacosis, histoplasmosis, and bird mites.
Once up the ring steps Syberus wipes his feet on the apron as the fan with the “Six Time Syberus” sign gets it in the shot. Syberus stoops through the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has gotten his ring rust off with wins over Joey Little Horse, “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall, The Hurricane, The Martian, and Scorpion but tonight he is in the ring with Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody in a non-title match.
Bill Blauer: Syberus has a lot of respect for this guy and has watched his rise here on the West Coast.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus called his match with Joey Little Horse one of the toughest of his career, and believes it puts him in line for a title match against Kilroy Evans.
Yolanda Ando: Syberus wears black trunks with gold laurel wreaths decorating the front and back. Five gold stars emblazon the rear also. He wears black knee pads and black boots, his boots depict Alexander and Darius respectively taken from the Alexander mosaic found in Pompeii. His wrists and palms are taped in white. To the ring he wears a traditional full length wrestling robe, red with gold roses throughout.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Syberus wants to get back to the Hardkore World Heavyweight title scene, but standing in front of him is a man who would do anything to say he pinned a 5 time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, so he had better do the same to get through tonight in LA.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is a non-title match scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Manchester, England; He stands 6 feet tall; Weighing 220 pounds; The Five Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
The Los Angeles crowd roars as Syberus puts his arms up
The lights in The Crypto Arena dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The San Diego fans jeer as the lyrics begin appearing on the screen
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!!
Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie and the Hardkore California Championship belt around his waist. The fans let out a loud pop, and Nobody begins making his way to the ring. A fan holds up a sign that says “Nobody Does It Better”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody with a big win over former Hardkore America Champion…
Phillip Blauer: Current Hardkore America Champion.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …Bobby Nowa in San Diego. Now he goes up against the five time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion in one of the biggest tests of his career.
As makes it up two steps and stops before turning around to give a teenaged girl his signature fedora.
Bill Blauer: Isn’t she on that show?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Around here? With front row seats? Probably.
After handing off the Fedora he enters the ring and points at the cheering crowd before clapping his hand together
Phillip Blauer: I remember how Dorothy hated this man and his penchant for giving things to young people. Oh, how I miss her. Toulouse? Head scratch.
Toulouse the Masseuse: Oui.
Toulouse comes over and begins giving Phil a medicinal head scratch
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Joe Nobody claims he pulled some strings to get this match a non-title match, but still, beating someone like Syberus is a career building moment.
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, He is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The audience pops as Joe Nobody loosens the ropes
The Great Syberus vs. Joe Nobody
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Syberus and Joe Nobody lock up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs his patented side headlock on Joe Nobody.
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody tries to push him off into the ropes, but Syberus hangs onto the headlock.
Syberus rolls Joe Nobody into a side headlock takedown to the mat. He locks his hands together, grinding his forearm across the temples of Nobody
Phillip Blauer: I can barely see. Worthington!
A butler appears, scaring both Guillermo and Bill
Bill Blauer: (screams) Ah!
Worthington puts opera glasses over Phil’s eyes
Phillip Blauer: Thank you, Worthington. (looks into the ring) Hey, that’s the British guy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has had a couple of tag team matches with Kilroy Evans here in LA. The last time Syberus was here, he teamed with Kilroy Evans in a losing effort to The Brothers Gluck at the Battle of Los Angeles in February of 2023. Before that, in August of 2022, they lost to Marty Donovan and Alexander Von Blankenship. But nearly 14 years earlier, this is where he and “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson won the Hardkore World Tag Team titles from The Fists of Blood in August of 2008 in a steel cage match. In September of 2006, he went to a time limit draw with “Platinum” Pat Bozzini in his Hardkore World Heavyweight title defense. A year earlier, in September of 2005, as Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion he won the Hardkore West Coast Champion from “Hardkore Canada’s Uncrowned Champion” Zack Daniels in a title vs. title match.
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody now back on his feet with Syberus still hanging on to that side headlock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He pushes Syberus off into the ropes and catches him with an arm drag. Syberus gets up and runs into another arm drag.
Bill Blauer: He goes for a third, but Syberus blocks it and hip tosses Nobody.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus arm drags an oncoming Nobody and then takes him over into a snap mare.
Bill Blauer: Syberus grabs Nobody by the wrist and takes him over into an ipponzei judo throw.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He moves in with a knee to the kneeling Nobody, but he catches Syberus’ leg and takes him over into a dragon screw.
The audience applauds both men’s quick mat work, and takedowns. Joe Nobody pulls Syberus up and ties up their legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody snaps back into a russian leg sweep!
Bill Blauer: Nobody rolls Syberus around and drops down into a hangman’s neckbreaker!
Syberus holds the back of his neck. Joe Nobody pulls him up by the hair, but Syberus basement dropkicks his knee caps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus applies a front facelock. He pulls back on Nobody’s head, while cutting off his air.
Bill Blauer: But Joe Nobody back body drops him over! He grabs Syberus in a full nelson, and then release dragon suplexes him!
The audience pops and Joe Nobody motions for Syberus to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody goes for a superkick, but Syberus ducks it and catches him with a backcracker!
Bill Blauer: Syberus applies the European Three Quarter Nelson. He wrenches Nobody from side to side, pulling up on that chicken wing while pushing down on the back of his head.
Tommy Milligan asks Joe Nobody if he wants to quit but he shakes his head. Syberus cinches the European Three Quarter Nelson in tighter
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody not giving up to the European Three Quarter Nelson so Syberus sits out into a full nelson drop!
Joe Nobody gets up to his knees, and Syberus cracks him in the face with a european uppercut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus with another european uppercut, then he backs up, and obliterates him with a boot to the face!
The LA crowd lets out a collective “OH!” Syberus pulls him up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody comes back and catches Syberus with a tornado DDT!
The impact drives Syberus up to his knees, and then he falls facefirst. Syberus tries to get back up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody cracks a kneeling Syberus with a shining wizard in the side of the head!
The Crypto Arena lets out a collective “OH!” and Syberus goes down like a redwood. Nobody pulls Syberus up and shoots him into the ropes, taking him out with a jumping calf kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Perfect Placement!
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody scoops Syberus up, but Syberus falls behind him in an inverted facelock, then drops down into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody gets his shoulder up!
Bill Blauer: Syberus rolls Nobody over onto his stomach and drapes out Joe’s arm.
Syberus pulls down his knee pad and knee drops the back of Joe Nobody’s elbow. Joe snatches his arm back into his body
Guillermo O’Bannon: Muscle Killer to that elbow! He pulls that arm back out and stands on Joe’s fingers!
The crowd cheers. Tommy Milligan demands he get off of Nobody’s fingers, but Syberus pretends to not realize he’s doing it. Milligam gives him a five count to stop standing on the fingers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus finally gets off of Nobody’s fingers.
Bill Blauer: Oh wait, never mind, he’s pulling Joe’s fingers back.
Tommy Milligan gives Syberus till a five count to get off of Nobody’s fingers. He then presses Nobody’s throat on the second rope, and chokes him with it with his knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus hits the ropes and running knees the back of Joe’s neck, pressing his throat into the second rope!
Syberus irish whips Joe Nobody into the ropes and dips down for a backdrop, but Nobody catches him with a float over DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Status Symbol!
Bill Blauer: Joe Nobody lifts him up into a fisherman’s suplex, but then drops him in an orange crush bomb!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus claps his legs together on Nobody’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody pulls him up and tries to ram Syberus’ head into the turnbuckles, but Syberus blocks it with his boot.
Bill Blauer: Syberus smashes Joe Nobody’s face into the turnbuckles! And again!
Syberus ties Nobody’s arms up in the ropes. Tommy Milligan demands Syberus release him, but he ignores him and elbows him in the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus cracks Nobody with a few more elbows as he’s trapped in those ropes!
Syberus turns around to pump up the cheering crowd, while Tommy Milligan works to free him. He finally does and Joe sneaks up to a celebrating Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody superkicks Syberus up and over the ropes to the floor below!
The fans cheer and Joe Nobody steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Bill Blauer: Nobody gets a running start and hops onto the second turnbuckle, then turns around and missile dropkicks Syberus on the floor!!
The LA crowd roars as Syberus goes ass over tea kettle into the railing. Joe Nobody gets to his feet and pumps his arms. Then the lights go out
Phillip Blauer: What in the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is going on here? Can someone get me a lamp?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The lights are out and we can’t see anything?
The Crypto Arena is pitch dark, save for a few cell phone lights.
Then “You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You” by Dean Martin plays
Bill Blauer: Eerie.
Phillip Blauer: Finally, some music I recognize!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is going on here??
The lights finally come on and Syberus is in the ring, looking around confused
Guillermo O’Bannon: The lights are back on and there is Syberus…
Bill Blauer: But where is Joe Nobody?
Phillip Blauer: And where are my swans??
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of an unconscious Joe Nobody, lying on the concrete with blood leaking from over his eyebrow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody is out cold on the floor!
Bill Blauer: Did Syberus do that?
Syberus asks Tommy Milligan what happened, but the ref reacts with utter confusion
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think so, he looks just as stunned as the rest of us!
Bill Blauer: What was that music? What was the significance?
Phillip Blauer: And where are my swans??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jesus, Phil, they’re two feet away from you.
Alistar and Champagne are eating popcorn off the floor in the front row
Phillip Blauer: Egads, is it gluten free popcorn? Champagne has an allergy!
Syberus explains to Tommy Milligan that he doesn’t want to win that way
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pleading with the official that he does not want to win by having his opponent knocked out by some mystery person or persons.
Phillip Blauer: I think I’m going to be sick.
Doctor Proctor: I probably have something for that, are we doing cash or card?
Tommy Milligan nods and then begins counting Joe Nobody out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Referee Tommy Milligan counting Joe Nobody out!
Bill Blauer: I suppose that is a more moral victory then taking a pinfall on a guy viciously attacked in the dark.
Milligan gets to ten and then signals for the bell. “Weak and Powerless” by Perfect Circle plays and the audience is confused
Greg Jin: “At 16 minutes 3 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AS THE RESULT OF A COUNTOUT…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
Syberus shrugs and raises his arm as the fans cheer. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his team work on a woozy Joe Nobody on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus continues his comeback with a somewhat bizarre countout victory over the Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody.
Phil is fishing for popcorn down his swan Champagne’s open bill
,
Phillip Blauer: Agħti lill-papà l-popcorn. (Give Daddy the popcorn, Champagne)
Bill Blauer: We’ll have to see who was behind turning the lights out on poor Joe Nobody.
Camera opens on a man in his early thirties with alot of tattoos and a complicated beard
Skyler: Sup Coachella Valley, I’m Skyler?
A few seconds of silence and then the director speaks up
Director: (whispers off camera) Tell them about your store, Skyler.
Skyler: Oh right, for sure. So I get like super baked on the reg, right? One time I couldn’t stop staring at my cat and I noticed he was not in tune with the universe, you know? Like at all. Just toxic vibes if I’m being honest. So I created The Pet Dispensary!
A graphic comes up of Pet Dispensary in the Pet Cemetery font. Fade to a nebbish looking man in a sweater and glasses
Skyler: The Desert’s only pet only cannabis dispensary. Open your dog, cat, hamster, or fish’s mind with our vast selection of cannabinoid infused pet foods, seeds, and fish foods. Really connect with your fur or scale companion.
A graphic comes up of Pet Dispensary in the Pet Cemetery font. Fade to a nebbish looking man in a sweater and glasses
Satisfied Customer: There've been some break ins in my neighborhood, but I do not believe in guns. I decided I needed a companion and I also do not support puppy mills, so I got a rescue. He’s a rottweiler named…Mephistopheles. In his previous forever home, he was the only thing left standing after that infamous explosion at the meth lab in Desert Hot Springs.
Cut to the file footage of Desert Hot Springs police holding Mephistopheles at bay by gunpoint
Satisfied Customer: We had some challenges, initially. I still am not allowed to sleep in the master bedroom and he has urinated on everything I own. So I decided to try the Pet Dispensary and the results have been amazing. Has he become nicer? Yes. Did he gain 74 pounds? Also yes.
Skyler: So come on down to The Pet Dispensary, we are not responsible for any bad trips because for real, that’s your dog’s own negativity manifesting itself, man.
The Pet Dispensary
Backstage reporter Kevin Valentine Jr. stands in the ring by himself
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Ladies and Gentleman, it is my honor to announce a Hardkore Legend that is making his return to the ring. Former Hardkore West Coast Champion, Hardkore California Champion, and Hardkore Midwest Champion Roscoe Law!
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash and pyro hits. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets several shots of people in the crowd covering their mouths in shock
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t believe it!
Roscoe Law walks to the ring. The entrance area is lit by red lights and the JumboTron flashes "LAW" between classic Roscoe Law footage. Roscoe Law has his hair cut short and sports a goatee. He wears long black tights with a fat red stripe down each side. His boots are black with “LAW” printed on them
Guillermo O’Bannon: I cannot believe what I am seeing right now! Roscoe Law, coming back to the West Coast??
Bill Blauer: I watched this guy in CWF, UWA, CCW, and Hardkore World! He was a huge part of my fandom!
Guillermo O’Bannon: His battles with Syberus, Noah Hanson, the late Adrian Tanner Jr., Cecil Kennedy, and Poke the Clown were legendary!
The Los Angeles fans chant “ROSCOE!!! ROSCOE!!! ROSCOE!!!” as many fans still can’t believe it
Phillip Blauer: I love his chicken. I’m not crazy about the waffles though.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not…do you not remember…anyway, Roscoe Law, the man of the people is back where he belongs! Back in Hardkore World!
Roscoe Law seems taken aback by the reaction and nods, thanking the fans as they continue to chant “ROSCOE!!! ROSCOE!!! ROSCOE!!!”
The area next to the entrance ramp has once again been turned into a beautiful Oasis- at least to the best of Donnie Valentine's abilities after most of the budget was spent on a bender. A mound of sand stolen from a school playground, local strippers in bikinis splashing around in some blue lighting gels that are supposed to represent water, a surfboard that might swear too much... this can only be...
Catching the Wave
With Simon Cruise
Featuring Florida Man
Sitting at a rickety cabana, the host flashes the camera a wolfish smile - which only falters when he almost slashes his arm. A wooden bar has sharpnel sticking out of it, "raising stripes" which Donnie has been hammering it at his BFF Robinson's suggestion.
Simon Cruise: My guest at this time... Florida Man.
The crowd pop hard for the outsider menace, as Florida Man steps out onto the entrance ramp. Before everyone's favourite meth dealer can leap down to the sandy area - Marty Donovan follows him out to an even bigger pop.
Marty Donovan: Flo...... you should know, everyone who appears on this talk show gets horribly injured. Recoba appeared on it once, and his career is basically over. Wouldn't you rather go on a nice talk show where you sing Karaoke in a car?
Donnie Valentine (yelling up from.the set): Pay no attention to him, he's just angry that Robinson is a way cooler manager than Lil Corny.
Marty Donovan (yelling back): Corny was robbed!
Simon Cruise (calming shrug): Bros.... can't we all be right?
Florida Man (patting his partner on the shoulder): No worries Marty - what's the worst that can happen?
Nodding appreciatively for his partner's concern, the fool hardy gator climbs down into the sandy trenches.
Simon Cruise: Thanks for joining me, bro-
Florida Man: Just sizing y'all up! Depending on how thangs shake out, I may be defending against you next month...
Simon Cruise: No complaints here, dude. Far as I can tell we both dig the water more than most Hardkore heroes, and it'd be a pleasure hanging 10 with you.
Florida Man: Oh, I'm sure we have more in common than dang water - my business card.
Before this talk show segment can degenerate into a drug deal, Simon tries to right the ship.
Simon Cruise: But let's not get ahead of ourselves, dude. First you have to deal with Kilroy Evans, and that bro is no pushover.
Florida Man: Kilroy Evans. Look... any friend of my boi, Marty, is a friend of mine. ....but I gots to ask myself... just how good a friend, Kill Roy actually is? I mean we all saw Marty put on the world title performance of a life time at Hardkore Halloween. Just SCHOOLED that paper champ, Cross SO INTENSELY that YEAH, Recoba survived by some miracle, but he was easy pickings for Kill Roy. You watch Kill Roy take the strap? Recoba never stood a chance. Yeah, Marty did the hard work, Kill Roy just opportunitistically picked up the scraps.
Simon Cruise: Have to disagree with you there, bro. That Hardkore Helloween Cup win was something else...
Florida Man: Big dealio, I gotz me a closet full of them Helloween Cups-
Simon Cruise: Probably a knockoff brand. My point is that it was a wonderful feel good moment for all the HKW faithful - and it was easy for Kilroy to ride that momentum like a wave over that limey Italian dude.
Florida Man: ....yeah, Kill Roy has got a high right now that is usually difficult to pull off without chemistry, and I know everyone thinks I'm gonna be an easy defence...
Simon Cruise: No one said that-
Florida Man: But what they don't seem to realize is, I'm the missing piece to the Hardkore formula.
Simon Cruise (confused): Not following, dude.
Florida Man: May '22... after a 13 year hiatus... Hardkore World came back to take on the XHF Network. That night the Great Syberus took the heavyweight strap and set the new stiggity status quo.... just like he higgity had in the original dang run. Only.... far from the wild world of the past, I think even Top Dawg Valentine would admit, this new incarnation is a lot more corporate than the original HKW. More refined. Dignified. Presentable. Less RAW. Yeah, they brought back the old stars.... but which ones? Syberus set the standard. Yeah, Marty and Kill Roy bring the humour, but they are still respectable wrestlers in the same mold. So is Stein... it's a type.
Simon Cruise: And what type would that be?
Florida Man: Professional. ....which is cool and all... but me? When I used to catch Hardkore World, I wasn't watching it for the wrestling... I was scoping it out for the car crashes. Syberus, Marty, Kill Roy, they put on great matches in their sleep... back in the day they had to work HARDER to make up for all the insanity. Stein could be counted on a suplex, but that move was soooo much snappier when he was trying to distract from a Shiro outfit. Syberus on the mic would tear a boyscout a new asshole, but his malice was so much more RELATABLE when directed at the incomprehensible corporate structuring of the Warhammer crew. Hardkore World is back, and about to celebrate two years on the Network.... but it's missing something important. Where are the needlessly angry Matthew X rants, or Spooky Doom with his physically impossible Naruto ninjitsu, The Great Heckler with his not so great heckles, that shaved gorilla, Mojo? DEATHGOJIRA! Hardkore World you came back, but you left the bodies behind, your LUNATIC FRINGE didn't get the invite!
The random name dropping seems to have worked the crowd into a frenzy.
Florida Man: THAT IS WHO I AM! I'M EVERY ONE OF THOSE HARDKORE CLASSICS THAT EMBARASS YOU, BUT YOU STILL SMILE REMEMBERING! THE CRAZY YOU WISH WOULD JUST GO AWAY, BUT SOMEHOW MAKES EVERYONE BETTER! Y'ALL HAVE BEEN SURPRESSING THE MADNESS FOR TOO LONG! MARK MY WORDS, KILL ROY, LATER TONIGHT, THIS LUNATIC FRINGE IS COMING BACK WITH A VENGEANCE, AND TAKING THE HARDKORE STRAP!!!
Simon Cruise: Should be a fight for the ages-
Florida Man (looking down): ...I appear to have cut my thumb off.
Robinson: hahahahahaaaaaaa - what an asshole!
The jagged metal that Donnie thought would make the bar look cool, has indeed sliced Florida Man's thumb clean off.
Simon Cruise: Bro, I'm so sorry-
One of these days Catching the Wave will have an accident free show. Collecting his severed digit, Florida Man leaves the sandtrap, climbing up to the entranceway - where he is greeted by his Epcot Mafia partner. A stream of blood hits Marty in the face.
Marty Donovan: Jeez Flo, we need to get you to a hospital! Don't worry about Kilroy, I'll take your shot tonight.
Florida Man (putting industrial strength glue on his stub): Don't sweat it pal, nothing a little super glue won't fix. I'll take the strap off Kill Roy tonight, and use Simon's safety snafu as an excuse to make you my first challenger. WILD STALLIONS!
The air guitar isn't reciprocated. Florida Man gives a disappointed Marty a thumbs sort of up, which shoots another stream of blood at him.
Fade back up on Guillermo, Bill, Phil, and an entourage around Phil taking care of his every need
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our first tag team match of the night for our returning tag division. Bobby Nowa teaming with Anthony Jordan in their new team known as Nowa Out, and Marty Donovan tagging up with the youngster “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall known as Parklife…
Toulouse the Masseuse: Ok, Phillip it is now time to do zee lower back muscles, oui?
Phillip Blauer: Oui. (to Bill) That means yes in their language.
Bill Blauer: Yes, I know. I did some work in Democratic Republic of Congo, teaching former child soldiers how to work on irrigation systems for their villages. They speak French there so I got to…
Phillip Blauer: You can just say I know. (turns to Guillermo) Hey Gilbert, did you know croissant means biscuit? Anyway, Toulouse needs to get to my back and glutes, so I’m gonna need to lay out here. Let’s get all this stuff off here…
Phil starts knocking all the drinks and papers off the announce desk, so he can lie down flat across it, on his stomach. The swans protest all the commotion while drinks spill in everyone’s lap
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dammit, Phil! Come on.
Bill Blauer: That was my epipen actually. Oh, a fan took it as a souvenir…
“Parklife” by Blur plays and the fans erupt. Disney’s Marty Donovan walks out with “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall. Cornwall is waving the Manchester flag while Marty Donovan has the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship wrapped around his waist. Guillermo and Bill have to do commentary with Phil getting a massage across their table
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we saw across the pond in Wrestle: UK, due to recent allegations about Vince McMahon, Disney has decided to get out of the wrestling business, starting with Marty Donovan.
Bill Blauer: That has to be a huge blow for him.
Phillip Blauer: As we’ve seen over the years, you can hit Marty in plenty of places, but the only one that hurts is his pocketbook.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At one point, Callum Cornwall was suspicious of Marty turning over a new leaf, but he has come to embrace him as his new tag team partner.
Bill Blauer: In Escondido, Nowa Out attacked these two, putting an especially bad beating on Squid before Marty was able to save him.
Toulouse the Masseuse: I do not like zee pallid pale man wiz zee sunken chest. It is not sexy.
Phillip Blauer: Mmm. I’ll take care of it. Larry? Toulouse doesn’t like Squid. Have him removed and replaced with a more aesthetically pleasing Englishman at once!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. wanders over and taps a passing Cullen Crawford on the shoulder, but Squid doesn’t notice as he’s slapping hands with the fans in the front row. Larry shrugs back at Phil. Fans hold up signs that say “Lil Pumpkinhead”, and ”I’m A sMarty”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty offered to team up after Callum Cornwall saved him from having to ride with Moondog Dook.
Phillip Blauer: That’s one of the first thing’s they tell you when you get to the West Coast. Have Jonnie pay you when you get to the building, don’t go halves on a pizza with Kilroy, and don’t get a room with Dook unless you want to wake up to someone painting your toenails.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Plus he has wanted to write a book about his long storied career. Possibly related, Donovan has recently befriended Cullen Crawford, but many believe it’s just to have a chapter about helping out the next generation.
Phillip Blauer: Another wrestling book about how when he was breaking in the old guys were all insecure marks for themselves but now that he’s older all the kids are ambitious morons who don’t understand the business? That book isn’t worthy of my library, which doubles as my bathroom. Ok, it’s my bathroom.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Marty Donovan was here in LA, was in February of 2023 when he defeated Sinclair Godfrey at the Battle of Los Angeles, our joint show with Wrestle UK. Before that, he and Alexander Von Blankenship defeated Kilroy Evans and Syberus back in August of 2022. In August of 2008, Marty lost to Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion, the late Adrian Tanner Jr. in a barbed wire match. In September of 2006, Marty successfully defended his Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship against “The Unlucky One” 13.
Phillip Blauer: (his voice is motorboating because of the massage chops to his back) Ah yes, “The Unlucky” 113. I remember him.
Bill Blauer: (wincing) Gross, Phil, I just got oil in my eye!
Yolanda Ando: Marty Donovan wears a speedo with the Disney Plus logo on it. He also wears Bryan Danielson style boots and kick pads with the signature Disney D on the knees. Callum Cornwall wears simple wrestling boots and black tights that have tentacles painted on them in gold.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Marty Donovan and The Salford Squid looking for some payback on Nowa Out here tonight after they got blindsided in Escondido.
Greg Jin: “The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Manchester, England; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds…’THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!! His partner is from Cheshire, Connecticut, Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 218 pounds; He is One Half of the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Champions… MARTY DONOVAN!! They are PARKLIFE!!!”
The crowd lets out a huge pop. Callum Cornwall holds up the Manchester flag in the center of the ring, then hands it off to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. begins to stretch for his match.
“No Way Out” by Jefferson Starship plays and The Crypto Arena rocks with boos. Bobby Nowa and “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan walk out from behind the curtain and stop to survey the crowd.
Bill Blauer: Here is another one of our young teams here in Hardkore World.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Experienced individual wrestlers, but they are a new tag team. They had their first match in Escondido, with a win over Storm and Thunder.
They both slowly walk to the ring. Anthony Jordan gives his goofy grin and drinks in the jeers while Bobby Nowa makes no acknowledgement of them. A fan holds up a sign that says “Nowa Cares”
Phillip Blauer: (while Toulouse grinds his elbows into Phil’s shoulder blades) Which one is Storm and which one is Thunder?
Bill Blauer: I think that’s just their name. Like Power and Glory.
Phillip Blauer: That’s what I mean. Herc was power and Paul Roma was glory. So in Storm and Thunder, one would have to be loud and the other would have to be damp.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (squeezes the bridge of his nose, grimacing) I don’t think either one is damp, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: That’s what the name implies, buster.
Anthony Jordan gets to the ring and plays to the booing fans while Bobby Nowa stares down Marty Donovan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan says that Kalmin Watts was no longer the wrestler that won the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023s, so he had to put his career first.
Bill Blauer: So since the late summer of 2023, starting in Hawaii, Bobby Nowa was wearing a mask and calling himself Kalmin Watts, replacing his old client and giving Jordan more control.
Phillip Blauer: Now that Anthony Jordan is free of Okie meathead Kalmin Watts, he seems like a weight has been lifted off his chest. When a wrestler insists a dirt sheet writer drink his most expensive booze like that, he’s either on cloud 9 or trying to get him to bury someone for him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan has threatened to end Marty’s career tonight for ignoring him when it came to his cruise and Disney World tickets.
Phillip Blauer: Marty’s getting off light if you ask me.
Yolanda Ando: Bobby Nowa wears black boots, dark green and white tights, with a matching headband, with a Dundy Award graphic t-shirt. Anthony Jordan wears black and yellow long tights with black boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Anthony Jordan says that Kalmin Watts was fading but Bobby Nowa’s star is on the rise. He’s going to take him to the top, by first winning the Hardkore World Tag Team titles from The End.
Jordan walks back to his corner and starts making last minute plans with Bobby Nowa.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, from the Mississippi Gulf Coast; Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 200 pounds…’THE ROLE MODEL’ ANTHONY JORDAN!! His partner is from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 235 pounds…BOBBY NOWA!! They are NOWA OUT!!!”
The Crypto Arena boos as Anthony Jordan looks incredulous and Bobby Nowa tosses his t-shirt to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr.
The haunting melody of Captain Righteous theme music begins to play, a wave of boos greet the undisturbed Captain Righteous as he emerges from the back. Head high, teeth white, and shoulders steadfast still.
Bill Blauer: What is he doing here?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous has declared that he will solve Dorothy’s murder here tonight.
Phillip Blauer: (facedown in his arms) That’s flattering, really, it is. But these things happen. No harm no foul, me casa su casa.
The wrestlers in the ring look at Captain Righteous who has interrupted the match before it even started. The audience rains boos down on him
Captain Righteous: “I hear you all, please know I hear you all and like I said I won't rest tonight until I have my killer! Oddly enough to hear your disdain puts me in the position to call out the next suspect…Marty Donovan. You Mouse Club little bitch!”
As Captain Righteous points down the ring at Marty, shaking his head.
Captain Righteous: “If your motive isn't a Classic Disney villain Marty, then I don't understand the entire term! What I do know pal is you felt betrayed by Phil Blauer because what does every good Disney boy want and crave? Praise! Marty you are a whore for praise and pats on the head, Phil praised you as the bad boy Champion! The rumor is you basically had to peel Phil from your zipper…”
Phillip Blauer: I wouldn’t say that. Just sometimes he had a spill there. Guy’s a messy eater, what can I say?
Captain Righteous: “Yet the moment you lose…”
Captain Righteous holds a thumbs up and as he turns it upside down he blows a loud raspberry into the microphone.
Captain Righteous: “He dropped you like he was Leo and you was some 25 plus whore! And you didn't like it…classic…
…Disney….
Villain.”
Boos. Thunderous ones and Captain Righteous oblivious as ever, nods in agreement.
Captain Righteous: “They hear me Marty, and they see you…I will leave it to these fine outstanding gentlemen to serve you righteous justice.”
The Evil Morty theme erupts throughout the Crypto Arena again and Captain Righteous makes his leave.
Nowa Out vs. Marty Donovan and "The Salford Squid" Callum Cornwall
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and we are under way.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa starts against Marty Donovan, and the pair lock up in the middle of the ring pushing back and forth.
Bill Blauer: Marty pushes Nowa to the corner, and Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson calls for the break!
Marty backs off with a grin, and Nowa fumes as he comes off the ropes to lock up again.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty gets the upper hand and snaps him towards the ropes, and hits the inverted atomic drop on the rebound!
The fans cheer, and Nowa sprawls in a heap before Marty rolls him up for a quick cover
…ONE!
…Bobby Nowa kicks out!
Bobby Nowa rolls for his corner, reaching for the tag before Marty grabs him to drag him backwards
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan drops Nowa with a neckbreaker!
Bill Blauer: Then he plants a knee in his back, yanking his head back to apply pressure on his neck and shoulders as Nowa strains for the ropes.
Bobby Nowa is finally able to grab the bottom rope, and Richie Richardson calls for the break
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan draws back as Nowa rises, clearly annoyed before he comes back in.
Bill Blauer: But Nowa starts firing off elbows and punches, driving Marty back before he grabs him to catch him with a back body drop!
Marty starts to rise, but Nowa stomps away at him before he yanks him away from his corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa grabs a front facelock. He locks his hands together and pulls back on Donovan’s head and neck, cutting off his air.
The fans boo, and Marty strains to get free as Nowa leans back hard. Richie Richardson checks on the hold, and the fans are chanting “MARTY! MARTY! MARTY!” as he finally starts to rise. Toulouse the Masseuse starts chopping up and down Phil’s back
Phillip Blauer: (his voice is motorboating) That’s the business!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan jerks away, and fires Nowa into the ropes before hitting a dropkick!
Bill Blauer: He tags in “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall!
The fans cheer as Squid runs at Nowa, hammering away at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall lifts him on his shoulders in a fireman’s carry, but Nowa gets free, driving a few quick elbows at his head. He irish whips Squid into the corner.
Bill Blauer: Bobby Nowa chops away at him, delivering blow after blow! Finally he tags in AJ.
The Role Model smirks at Squid, glancing at Marty before he rips him from the corner.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan lifts him up into a suplex! Squid starts to rise, but AJ grabs him for another!
The fans boo, and AJ smirks at Marty before he lifts Cornwall up into a suplex position, then releases him as he drops to one knee. Jordan slightly turns Squid as he falls to ensure he falls across Jordan's knee back first
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rectitude!
The fans are furious, and AJ drags Cornwall back to his corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans remember the last time Anthony Jordan was here in Los Angeles was in February of 2023 when he managed Kalmin Watts with Dan Stein, Tuxedo Mask, and Ruben Bowman defeated Psychotic Goth, Jakie Wentzel, Adrienne Blaque, Wesley Rage, and Nick Cage at the Battle of Los Angeles for Wrestle: UK.
Bill Blauer: He’s seemingly a different man now.
Phillip Blauer: Aren’t we all? Toulouse? Can we work on the glutes?
Toulouse the Masseuse: Oui.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan tags in Nowa!
Nowa watches with a sneer as Squid crawls for his corner, stumbling as he starts to rise reaching for Marty
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa hits Squid from behind with a double ax handle, cutting him off from his corner.
Squid drops, and the Crypto Arena boos as Bobby Nowa lifts him again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa pulls Squid into a shortarm clothesline!
Bobby Nowa laughs at Marty before he irish whips Callum Cornwall into the ropes
Bill Blauer: Squid makes a blind tag to Marty!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa hits Squid with a shoulder block that sends him flying to the outside!
The fans boo, and Nowa goes through the ropes out to the floor
Bill Blauer: Nowa now stomping away on Callum Cornwall before he drags him upwards, into a single underhook. He drives his skull into the floor with a DDT!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa Daze on the cement!!
Squid is out cold, as the jeers continue to rain down on Bobby Nowa grins as he rolls back in to the ring
Bill Blauer: Nowa rolls back inside to only be leveled with a DisKnee by Marty Donovan!!
Phillip Blauer: Can he still call it that??
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Anthony Jordan stomps the back of Marty’s head
The crowd boos as Jordan continues kicking and stomping at Marty before Richie Richardson yanks him away
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty rises, and is irish whipped into the ropes by Nowa. Bobby takes off and nearly takes his head off with a lariat!
The Los Angeles audience jeers, and Nowa shakes his head before he delivers an atomic drop that sends Marty into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa backs up into the other corner and comes running in with a stinger splash!
The fans are furious, and Nowa tags in Jordan
Bill Blauer: Nowa Out pick up Marty Donovan in a double vertical suplex!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan and Bobby Nowa still learning to work as a team, but they clearly have some potential here.
Marty is in a heap, struggling to rise before AJ kicks him over for a foot to the chest. He points at Richie Richardson demanding a count.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan gets his shoulder up!
The fans explode, and AJ glares at Marty before he drags him to his feet before tagging in Nowa. The pair discuss things, and then Nowa applies a full nelson, then pitches forward into a skull crushing finale
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rosebud! Bobby Nowa climbs to the top turnbuckle and backflips into a moonsault, but Marty puts his knees up!!
The audience comes to life with a big pop. Marty rolls grabs Nowa as he staggers upwards in a reverse waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: German suplex by Marty Donovan!
…ONE!
…TWO!
… AJ runs inside leveling him with a knee
Anthony Jordan drops another knee drop on Marty Donovan before Nowa is back on his feet. The pair stomping away at Marty before Richie Richardson forces them off.
Bill Blauer: Poor Marty Donovan is really fighting this match all by himself.
Phillip Blauer: “Poor Marty Donovan” what about me?
Toulouse the Masseuse: Oui, Monsieur Phillipe. Would you like essential oil or a blend for your buttocks?
Phillip Blauer: See what I mean??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan retreats and Bobby Nowa lifts Marty once more in the single underhook, and then hits the Nowa Daze DDT!!
Bill Blauer: Marty is out cold, and Nowa tags in AJ! AJ applies his indian deathlock known as the Idolizer #2!!
Phillip Blauer: Well, look who’s awake now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan uses his right foot to keep Donovan’s right leg from breaking the hold, and pushes on his right knee with his left leg to maximize the pain of the move.
Bill Blauer: Marty Donovan taps out!
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and “No Way Out” by Jefferson Starship plays. The fans boo as Jordan raises Nowa’s hand
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 54 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH…NOWA OUT!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa Out scores an important victory here tonight in LA, as they eye a title match with The End some day.
Callum Cornwall has climbed up to using the apron to stand, as Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. checks him out. Marty Donovan limps over to see if Squid is ok
Phillip Blauer: Another day, another losing tag team partner for “poor Marty”.
Phil flips over on the table
Toulouse the Masseuse: Uh, no, Monsieur Phillipe. Toulouse does not do those types of massages.
Phillip Blauer: Sorry, force of habit.
Backstage Captain Righteous is pacing. Red cape doing what capes were meant to do yet he wasn't alone, his new tag alone was standing in the corner, Lady Liberty.
Captain Righteous: I'm close Lady Liberty, I can feel it…
Lady Liberty: Sir, Captain, might I offer a bit of knowledge?
Captain Righteous: Yes! God, finally proving useful…Maybe Uncle Sam was right about you! Hit me.
She rolled her eyes at his overreaction.
Lady Liberty: ...perhaps we let local law enforcement han-
A fit of overreaching laughter cut Lady Liberty off as Captain shook his head.
Captain Righteous: Impossible! They don't have the mental fortitude of the Captain here…just stand there and think harder, it's common sense! Now, my next suspect…Guillermo O'Bannon.
Captain Righteous turns to the camera staring down upon it as if he is projecting his physical prowess upon Guillermo himself. No emotion as he gave his explanation.
Captain Righteous: Were you afraid of losing your best friend? You fucking worm, you actually shot up to second on my list…and you have a righteous punishment coming pal, so pray or fuck O'Bannon…because I'm coming.
More intense staring from Captain Righteous. Lady Liberty just stands so awkwardly but mouths, ’He's not really doing anything illegal’, directly to his shareholders.
Fade back up on Guillermo, Bill, Phil, and Phil’s harem of flunkies. Doctor Proctor starts shining his pen light into Guillermo’s eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Can I help you?
Doctor Proctor: My word, boy. How much salt do you eat?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Probably too much.
Doctor Proctor: Mmhmm. Let me see your tongue.
Guillermo hesitantly sticks out his tongue
Doctor Proctor: Just as I suspected. Do you use shaving cream?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Uh, yeah?
Doctor Proctor: Stop immediately.
Phillip Blauer: I’m off shaving cream completely. I shave with llama placenta now.
Bill Blauer: I wondered what that smell was.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You can tell that from looking at my tongue?
Doctor Proctor: Of course, my boy. The tongue is the face of the mouth. Here, I’m going to prescribe you some morphine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t need morph…actually, yeah let me get some of that.
Doctor Proctor begins writing down a prescription for Guillermo on his pad
Doctor Proctor: And two drops of ether in a flour sifting foil over your mouth every few hours. Soon you’ll be right as rain!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our next match is a number one contender’s match for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. It features two men that lost their belts in San Diego, hometown boy Simon Cruise and Cross Recoba.
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over The Crypto Arena and the LA fans leap to their feet for the local boy. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launches himself into the audience on Robinson, his talking surfboard. If any of the San Diego crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: After holding the Hardkore West Coast Championship for four months, Simon Cruise lost it to The Sheik in San Diego.
Bill Blauer: Which as we saw, was devastating to the man that had sought to elevate the West Coast division and did just that. He sees that title as equal to the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then in Tokyo, he lost his match against XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion Paramount+’s Trekker at Battle for Hegemony.
Phillip Blauer: “Bummer”, as I’m sure he calls it.
Bill Blauer: But tonight, Simon Cruise has a chance to get his first Hardkore World Heavyweight title shot of his career, but standing in front of him is two time champion and former X Crown Champion Cross Recoba.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He frames this as a battle between a Hardkore loyalist and someone who has used Hardkore World and its top championship to enrich himself.
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board. Simon slaps hands with some friends and family that he got front row tickets for. He basks in the love and fans hold up signs that say
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise wrestling in front of his home town here tonight, which could be a lucky charm for him in his quest to get a title match with Kilroy Evans in Phoenix next month.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Bill Blauer: Cruise says Cross Recoba doesn’t respect the Hardkore fans, which he counts himself as one of. He knows Cross doesn’t regard him as a challenge, and he wants to use that as an advantage.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is a Number One Contenders Match, scheduled for one fall and a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Venice Beach, California!”
The Venice Beach locals drown out Greg
Greg Jin: “Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds, The Big Kahuna…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The audience nearly blows the roof off of the Crypto Arena. Simon nods in appreciation and touches his heart
"My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect begins to play inside the Crypto Arena as the lights dim and a single spotlight illuminates the stage. The LA crowd boos mercilessly. Out from the curtain steps Cross Recoba, a titanium cane with a golden lion's head handle in one hand, touching the crucifix necklace for luck with the other
Phillip Blauer: I hear that cane is made out of the same titanium that Kanye’s new teeth are made out of.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is one dour, angry man as of late. He has attacked referees, ringside officials, blaming everyone for his loss of both the X Crown and Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship on everyone but himself.
Bill Blauer: In Escondido, Cross Recoba played some mind games, stretching poor Martian in the Garibaldi’s Guillotine until Simon Cruise came out to save the kid.
Phillip Blauer: He was building Martian’s character. That is until Simon Cruise stuck his sunblock covered nose into it.
The crowd responds with a cavalcade of jeers. Cross uses the handle of the titanium cane to push his shag hair cut from his face, flicking his head back confidently as he smiles cockily towards the audience.
Phillip Blauer: I hear that cane is made out of the same titanium that Kanye’s new teeth are made out of.
Cross Recoba holds up the cane that has caused so much trouble in the past to an even louder response from the fans, and begins down the ramp still holding it aloft.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba is not handling this well, and it has turned him into a vicious person willing to lash out at anyone.
Phillip Blauer: The most dangerous place in the world is between Cross and the title he’s after.
Recoba reaches ringside and holds the lion's head handle of the cane up to his lips and kisses it for luck. He sets the cane to rest against the ring steps and then climbs them up onto the apron and, with a wipe of his feet, slips between the ropes. He pops up with both hands out at his side, walking forward as if putting his glory on display, and delivers an over-exaggerated bow that causes the fans to boo even louder. Cross stands to his full height and smirks, stepping over to the far corner to await the beginning of the match.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Las Vegas, Nevada; He stands 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 230 pounds; The 'Box Office Smash of the XHF Network… 'THE FOX' CROSS RECOBA!!!”
The Crypto Arena boos Recoba
Number One Contender's Match
Cross Recoba vs. Simon Cruise
Simon Cruise nervously circles the ring as Cross eyes him like a hawk. Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise and Cross lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Both men jockeying for position.
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise gets an early advantage with a side headlock. He locks his hands together, grinding his forearm across the temple.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba slips his head out, and goes over the top with a headlock of his own.
The LA audience boos Cross, who smirks back at them while clamping down on the headlock. But the distraction allows Simon to slip out as well and grab a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise now has a rear waistlock on Cross. Recoba tries to elbow his way out of it, but Simon ducks.
Bill Blauer: But the second elbow is the charm, and he pops Cruise in the eye.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba flips him to the mat with a side headlock takedown.
Bill Blauer: But Simon Cruise grabs his head with legs in a head scissors.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross pops his head out of the head scissors and tattoos the sitting Cruise with a sliding dropkick!
The Crypto Arena rocks with boos. Simon Cruise covers his face and kicks his heels in the mat in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba comes off the ropes with an elbow drop, but Simon rolls out of the way!
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise hooks in an armbar. He leans back on Cross’ arm, keeping him on the mat.
Cross Recoba works his way up to his knees with Simon Cruise hanging on to the armbar. Simon tries to yank Cross’ arm out its socket
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba now on his feet. He uses his free arm to scoop Cruise up and bodyslam him.
Bill Blauer: He takes him over in a snapmare, and then takes him to the mat with an arm drag.
Recoba arm drags him a second time, and then knee lifts a rising Cruise in the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise grabs him in another headlock in the corner, then runs into the middle of the ring with a bulldog!
Bill Blauer: Cross Recoba gets on top of Simon Cruise and just starts hammering away with punches!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s become unhinged since losing both his titles in the same night as evidenced by him bludgeoning Simon Cruise with his fists in his hometown!
Phillip Blauer: Look, if you lose something, sometimes it just helps to beat someone into the ground. It can’t hurt.
The boos are resounding and increasing as Cross punches Cruise until Kelly O’Connell pulls him off. Cross walks over to the ropes and shushes the jeering LA crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba turns around into a double leg takedown by Cruise! Now Simon is the one dishing out the blows from above!
The crowd is cheering wildly as Simon Cruise beats Cross about the face. Kelly O’Connell pulls on Simon and he finally relents. The Crypto Arena chants “SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!”
Bill Blauer: Simon feeding off this LA crowd!
Phillip Blauer: These people love Mario Lopez. If you put Ted Bundy in a Lakers jersey this building would cheer him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise irish whips Cross into the corner, and then follows him in with a cartwheel spinning heel kick!
Simon Cruise arm drags him out of the corner, Cross gets to his feet but gets dropkicked for his trouble
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise wheelbarrows him up, but Cross tucks his head and rolls through into a roll up!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise rolls over top with a small package!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba rolls to his feet, hits the ropes and lightning kneelifts Cruise in the stomach.
Bill Blauer: He grabs Simon in a front facelock and drills his head into the mat with a DDT!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross turns him over into a high angle boston crab! He sticks one knee on the back of Cruise’s head.
The Los Angeles fans boo. Recoba pulls back on his legs, bending Simon’s spine, while grinding that knee into the back of his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Cross Recoba was in Los Angeles was when he defeated Arman Von Krauss at the Battle of Los Angeles with Wrestle: UK back in February of 2023.
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise does a push up and gets that knee off that back of his head.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon now crawling towards the ropes, as this rowdy crowd roots him on!
The audience chants “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” as Simon Cruise gets closer to the ropes
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise gets the bottom rope!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell now forcing Cross Recoba to release the boston crab.
Bill Blauer: Cross Recoba scoops him up for a bodyslam, but Simon Cruise inside cradles him on the way down!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise puts Cross down with a Bitchin’ Dropkick with authority!
The Los Angeles fans erupt with a loud pop. Cross gets to his feet, but Simon Cruise deftly sweeps Recoba’s leg out from under him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise grabs him in a guillotine choke!
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise cranes back with Cross’ head and neck, grinding the top of Recoba’s head into the mat.
The audience gets louder, hoping for a tap out. Simon locks his hands together and pulls up on Cross’ throat, cutting off his air
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba pushing off from the mat, sneaking in some snug hooks to Cruise’s jaw, until he is free from the guillotine choke.
Bill Blauer: Cross Recoba now hammering Simon Cruise with elbow smashes while he’s on the mat.
The crowd boos. Cross walks behind him as a dazed Simon Cruise gets back up to his knees
Guillermo O’Bannon: Recoba gets a running start and grabs Cruise by the hair, slamming his face into the mat!
The Los Angeles fans chant “CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS! CROSS SUCKS!” Cross Recoba sneers at them as he steps through the ropes out on to the apron.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself high over the ropes into an elbow drop!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Cross Recoba climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring and waits for Simon Cruise to get to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He leaps backwards into a flying spinning forearm!
The Crypto Arena boos as both men lie on the mat, exhausted. Cross Recoba stands up and pulls Simon Cruise up into a suplex position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise hooks the leg and rolls back into a small package!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon scoops him up and drops him into a michinoku driver II!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise comes off the ropes with a leg drop across Recoba’s face!
Bill Blauer: He hops up and double stomps Cross Recoba across the face with a double stomp!
The Los Angeles audience lets out a collective “OH!” Simon measures him, and then backflips into a mule kick to the groin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Radomizer!!
Phillip Blauer: Dirty pool, mister. Dirty pool.
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. He backflips into a moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out
The audience is rocking as Simon Cruise pulls Cross Recoba up by the hair, and then irish whips him into the opes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba ducks the clothesline and runs Simon Cruise into the ropes and rolls back into a La Carretera back roll press!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise dropkicks Cross Recoba and it sends him over the top rope to the floor below!
The crowd roars as Simon Cruise tumbles to the floor awkwardly. Simon Cruise walks over to the side of the ring, and then slingshots himself over onto Cross with a tope con hilo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tailspin!!
The Crypto Arena pops and chants “SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!” as Cross and Simon lie side by side at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise finally gets to his feet, and rolls back into the ring. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and springboards off into a Wipeout ‘18 senton but Recoba ducks and he hits the guardrail!!
The audience winces at the sound of Simon Cruise hitting the steel railing. Cross Recoba gingerly rolls back into the ring
Bill Blauer: Cross Recoba springboards off the middle of the top rope with a cross body onto Cruise on the floor!!
The Los Angeles fans jeer as Cross Recoba and Simon Cruise lie on The Crypto Arena floor together. After a few moments, Cross pulls Cruise up by the hair and rolls him onto the apron
Bill Blauer: Cross pulls Cruise up into a front facelock for the Staten Island Drop but Simon blocks it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise back drops Cross off the apron to the concrete!!
The fans come to life as Simon Cruise clings to the to ropes for balance. He finally straightens up, gets a running start and hits a rising Cross with a knee lift from off the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wipe Out ‘17!! What a match!
The fans jump up and down, chanting “SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!” Simon Cruise rolls back into the ring and runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise somersaults over the ropes, but Cross ducks out of the way and Cruise hits the hard floor!!
The air goes out of the Crypto Arena as Cross rolls back into the ring and hits the ropes himself
Bill Blauer: Cross Recoba leaps over the ropes and hits Simon Cruise with a missile dropkick on the floor!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Million Lira Dropkick!!
Dr. Proctor: Oh? If that dropkick ever has the sniffles, you have it give me a call.
The boos come cascading down as both men recover on the floor. Cross Recoba gets back to his feet and rolls back onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba runs down the apron and somersaults into an ultra tiger drop to a standing Cruise!!
Recoba rolls Simon back into the ring and then climbs to the top turnbuckle
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba with a flying elbow down across the chest of Simon Cruise!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross cradles Cruise’s leg but as he lifts him for for a fisherman’s buster, Simon hops onto Recoba’s shoulders and then tumbles forward into a victory roll!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise barely waits for Cross to get up before hitting him with his Barrel Roll spinning spear!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise scoops him up and drills his head into the mat with a tombstone piledriver!
Bill Blauer: Listen to this crowd! Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle and flips into a 450 splash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cross Recoba kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise goes for his Kickflip high angle thrust kick, but Cross ducks and german suplexes him!
Bill Blauer: He pulls him back up into a full nelson and then LCN dragon suplexes him!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cross Recoba wraps up Cruise’s legs and turns him over, into the Lupara Bianca scorpion anklelock!
The Crypto Arena rocks with boos as Cross sits down on it, grinding his knee into the back of Cruise’s head. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Simon Cruise shakes his head, refusing to tap out
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise trying to hang on, trying not to give up in front of his home crowd!
Phillip Blauer: These people are pretty easy to disappoint. They still haven’t forgiven David Caruso.
The audience chants “SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!” as Cross shakes his head at them
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The crowd now chanting Simon Cruise’s name, and he is feeding off that energy.
Bill Blauer: Cruise now doing a push up, and slowly breaking out of the Lupara Bianca!
The crowd roars as Simon rolls until he gets back onto his back, with Cross still hanging onto his foot. Cruise twists until he’s on one foot, hopping
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise comes around and whacks Cross Recoba in the side of the head with an enzuigiri!
The LA audience is electric as Simon Cruise runs up the turnbuckles and waits for Cross to get on his hands and knees. Cruise jumps off with a double stomp to his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hang 10!!
Bill Blauer: These fans are on their feet as Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle. He jumps off with his missile dropkick to Cross’ groin!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise Missile!!
Phillip Blauer: He should call it Below the Belt.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The fans leap to their feet in celebration as “Riptide” by Vance Joy plays. Simon Cruise weakly puts one arm in the air
Greg Jin: “At 27 minutes, 23 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
Bill Blauer: Simon Cruise is now the number one contender to Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kilroy Evans.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In front of his hometown, he defeats two time Hardkore World Champion and former X Crown Champion Cross Recoba! Surely one of the biggest wins of his career!
A sweat drenched Simon Cruise jumps on the middle turnbuckle and celebrates with the roaring audience. Cross limps to the back, when Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. tries to help him, he pushes him away
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise now goes to Phoenix to challenge with winner of tonight’s main event between Kilroy Evans and Florida Man…
Phillip Blauer Look in the sky!
Captain Righteous stares down from high above, standing on the scaffolding. He’s got a microphone
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Captain Righteous, seemingly continuing his investigation into the murder of Dorothy Blauer.
Captain Righteous: “HI Simon, not Margaret…it's Captain Righteous. You are the lowest suspect on the totem pole but you've got motive: after Dorothy shut down your favorite beach so she could dump toxic chemicals from her asbestos factory into the ocean you've had a taste for revenge? Red dye number forty revenge!!”
Captain Righteous held up a finger and wagged it back and forth.
Captain Righteous: “For shame. Be careful pal.”
The spotlight malfunctions and when it stabilizes Captain Righteous is gone.
Phillip Blauer Oh yeah, I could definitely see him doing it. Those surfers seem real innocent, but once they put that president mask on, they leave Roach to die and leave you without a parachute during their skydiving escape.
Cut to a local commercial. A husband and wife real estate team with gold blazers stand on the KPLM TV set with a cover band behind them. They awkwardly stand there for a beat too long before the wife starts talking
Donna: Hello, I am local Realty legend Donna McCormick with Palm Springs Realty. This is my husband, Rex.
Rex: (nods…gulps)
Rex seems to have a line but just continues to nod. Donna shoots him some side eye then continues
Donna: Palm Springs summers are the worst in the world. 120 degrees…and humidity?
Rex: (has a line)
Donna: …
Rex: Yeah…I…that’s…
Donna: I think what you mean to say it’s crazy.
A terrified Rex nods
Donna: (looks at the camera) And what else is crazy is the prices for a summer home in Spokane, Washington. 1!! 2!! 3!!
The bassist kicks in with the intro to Eric Clapton’s “Cocaine”. A visibly ill looking Rex keeps looking at the camera while he painfully tries to dance
Donna: If you want to stay,
Where it’s snowing in May
Spokane
If you wanna get down
At an active downtown
Spokane
You must buy, you must buy, you must buy
Spokane
Donna’s Voiceover: So give me a call at Donna McCormick with Palm Springs Realty to buy…Spokane!
Palm Springs Realty
Fade back up on Guillermo, Phil, Bill, and Phil’s group of attendants
Giovanni the Swami: You don’t believe I can tell the future, do you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not at all.
Phillip Blauer: Show this guy why you cost $200 an hour!
Giovanni starts massaging his temples
Giovanni the Swami: Your father passed away.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m half Irish, our Dads die.
Giovanni the Swami: His name was Johnny.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No.
Giovanni the Swami: Jackie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No.
Giovanni the Swami: Jimmy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No.
Giovanni the Swami: Pauly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m kidding, it was Jimmy.
Giovanni the Swami: Yes, I know. He’s standing right here with me.
Guillermo rolls his eyes, but Giovanni continues
Giovanni the Swami: He tells me he’s very proud of you.
Phillip Blauer: That’s not him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nope.
Giovanni the Swami: Uh, I must be getting poor reception, it is cloudy outside, and sometimes the ghosts don’t come through as well…
Guillermo O’Bannon: (turns to camera) We won’t let him waste any more of our time like he’s wasting Phil’s money, fans. We’ve got the Hardkore Women’s Championship match to get to!
"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays and silhouettes of roaring and tigers striking and the eyes of a tiger are seen on the tron as Black Tiger stalks slowly to ringside all business like.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After Ri Eun-Ae defeated Mickie Fury in San Diego, Black Tiger came out to challenge her for the Hardkore Women’s Championship here tonight in Los Angeles.
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger is the daughter of Dragon Belt and Dragonatrix, sister of Little Dragon, so the wrestling business is in her blood.
Guillermo O’Bannon: She’s racked up some wins against “The Milkman’s Daughter” Klazina van Dam in Hartford and Virago, but this will be her first big time match.
Bill Blauer: At her match with Virago in Escondido, Ri Eun-Ae returned the favor and appeared at the end of her match and told her she needed to earn respect around here.
Phillip Blauer: I still don’t have any.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger grew up watching her mother Dragonatrix wrestle Ri Eun-Ae, then known as Makoto Jupiter wrestle for this very same belt.
Yolanda Ando: Black Tiger wears a full bodied black cat suit w/dark tiger stripes, black wrestling boots w/black tiger claws, black MMA fighting gloves w/black tiger claws and a black tiger's mask that covers her entire face and head except for her long dark hair that flows freely from the back of her mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Black Tiger says Ri Eun-Ae continuing her friendship with Tuxedo Mask after he turned his back on Kilroy and the fans is something she cannot abide by.
Phillip Blauer: Well, who asked her?
Bill Blauer: She says that she realizes the daunting task ahead of her in facing the three time Hardkore Women’s Champion, but she is not one to back down from a challenge.
Black Tiger enters the ring and goes to her corner. She folds her arms glaring down at the entrance; not breathing, standing still like a statue.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Somewhere in Chinatown; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 175 pounds; The Daughter of Dragons…BLACK TIGER!!!”
The audience cheers but Black Tiger stands still, as if to strike like a ferocious hungry tiger.
"Adrenaline" by Rosetta Stone plays, popping the LA crowd. Ri Eun-Ae walks out with Tuxedo Mask giving the fans a peace sign
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae is a three time Hardkore Women’s Champion and she has said that she did not appreciate Black Tiger’s sense of entitlement, showing up at the end of her match.
Phillip Blauer: I tend to agree, entitled people just rub me the wrong way. Unlike Toulouse here. Lower shoulder blade, Toulouse!
Toulouse the Masseuse: Oui.
Toulouse squirts some body oil on Phil’s back and it sprays onto Bill and Guillermo
Guillermo O’Bannon: (wiping the oil from his glasses) Yes, well, Ri Eun-Ae says that instead of demanding a title shot, Black Tiger should have worked her way up the ranks first.
Bill Blauer: (wiping the oil off his format sheets) She has said she’s going to teach this youngster some humility through attrition here tonight.
Tuxedo Mask stops in his tracks and begins talking to a woman in the front row of the audience. He motions for Ri Eun-Ae to go ahead and he’ll catch up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask seems to see a familiar fan. The last time Tuxedo Mask was here in Los Angeles was in February of 2023 when he, Dan Stein, Kalmin Watts, and Ruben Bowman defeated Psychotic Goth, Jakie Wentzel, Adrienne Blaque, Wesley Rage, and Nick Cage at the Battle of Los Angeles for Wrestle: UK. Before that, he lost a match to Ruben Bowman in August of 2022.
Eun-Ae climbs to the top turnbuckle and backflips into the ring getting a huge ovation from the Crypto Arena! She goes to a split and gives them another peace sign as Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a tight close up
Yolanda Ando: Rei Eun-Ae wears a blue and red silk robe that she wears to the ring, and once removed she's wearing a green backless halter top with gold trim and matching shorts and boots.
Greg Jin: “And her opponent, Accompanied to the ring by Tuxedo Mask; From Olympia, Washington; Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 148 pounds; She is the three time HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…RI EUN-AE!!!”
The LA crowd gives her a rousing welcome as Ri Eun-Ae as she yells “Yeah!” while throwing up the peace sign
Hardkore Women's Championship
Ri Eun-Ae vs. Black Tiger
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Black Tiger and Ri Eun-Ae lock up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger and Ri Eun-Ae now engaging in a test of strength.
Phillip Blauer: Ladies, ladies, you’re both pretty.
Bill Blauer: No, Phil, I don’t think that’s the point here.
Toulouse the Masseuse: The one in the mask, she is pretty, oui?
Phillip Blauer: We can only hope.
Dr. Proctor: If she isn’t, I can always do a little work for her. I’ve done plastic surgery on celebrities before, ever hear of a Mr. Mickey Rourke?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Guys…guys! The young Black Tiger getting the best of this exchange with Ri Eun-Ae, bending her back in the test of strength.
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger grabs her in a side headlock, and then takes her down to the mat.
Black Tiger grinds on that headlock while Ri Eun-Ae is trapped on the mat. Tommy Milligan checks to make sure Eun-Ae’s shoulders aren’t on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger turns it into a front chancery. She locks her hands together and pulls back on Eun-Ae’s head and neck.
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae works her way back to her feet, with Tiger hanging onto the chancery. She tries to back drop her, but Black Tiger blocks it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger then flips her with a Mexican armdrag! Then a Japanese armdrag!
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger grabs an armbar. She cranks back on Ri Eun-Ae’s arm, while sticking her knee into Ri’s shoulderblade.
Ri Eun-Ae works her way to her feet, with Tiger hanging onto the arm. Black Tiger twists her arm into a wristlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger takes her over in another lightning fast arm drag. She applies a rear chinlock.
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger keeping Ri Eun-Ae on the mat early in the match, trying to wear her down.
Black Tiger flattens out her body, putting pressure on the back of Ri’s head and neck.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae works her way back to her feet, and jams an elbow into Black Tiger’s stomach to free herself from the reverse chinlock.
Bill Blauer: A left palm thrust to Black Tiger’s nose to dazes her, and Ri Eun-Ae grabs her arm in a wristlock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae kicks her repeatedly in the back of the head and shoulders, with the crowd counting along!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT!
NINE!
TEN!
Ri Eun-Ae releases Black Tiger and lets her fall to the mat, and the crowd shouts "Combo!!!"
Phillip Blauer: I wouldn’t think people in LA could count that high without their accountant.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae irish whips Black Tiger into the turnbuckles. She then begins choking Tiger with her boot in the corner.
Bill Blauer: Eun-Ae grabs her around the neck and flips her out of the corner with a bridging head and arm suplex!
…ONE!
…Black Tiger rolls her shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae scoops her up, but Black Tiger floats over her shoulder behind her. She grabs her by the arm, and smashes it over her shoulder repeatedly, trying to hyperextend her elbow.
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger flips her over by the arm into a judo throw, and then applies another armbar.
Black Tiger clamps down on her arm, trying to pull it out of it’s socket. Ri Eun-Ae rolls to her feet, but Black Tiger forearm smashes her arm repeatedly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger going after that arm, she now wraps it around the top rope, and pulls on her wrist.
Tommy Milligan gives her to the count of five to stop using the ropes, so Black Tiger breaks it at four
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger irish whips Ri Eun-Ae into the ropes and then hits her with a flying knee strike.
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger sets her up for a suplex, but Ri Eun-Ae rolls back into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…Black Tiger kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae ducks a kung fu punch and goes behind with a bridging backdrop driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Black Tiger rolls her shoulder up!
Ri Eun-Ae pulls her up by the mask, and then pumphandles her up into a release fallaway slam that pitches Black Tiger across the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thundermuffin!!
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae applies a stretch plum. She pulls back on Black Tiger’s head and arm, while crouching over her
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae whips the back of Tiger’s elbow across her knee repeatedly, trying to break her arm.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Black Tiger refuses to give up. Ri Eun-Ae cranks Tiger’s arm back even harder to sweeten the deal
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae pulls her up into a manji gatame. She pulls back on that trapped arm, while pushing Black Tiger’s head to the side with her leg pressed on it.
Black Tiger grunts in pain but shakes her head, holding on. Tuxedo Mask pounds on the apron in support of Ri Eun-Ae.
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger is able to slip her head out and hiptoss her way out of the manji gatame!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger grabs Ri Eun-Ae by the head and pulls her down into some muay thai knee strikes. She whacks her in the back of the knee with a kick, and then hits her with an elbow strike to the side of the head.
The LA crowd winces as Ri Eun-Ae gets peppered all over. Black Tiger strikes Ri Eun-Ae with a kick to the ankle, and then scoops her up, dropping her onto her knee with a backbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger goes to the mat and applies a fujiawara armbar.
Bill Blauer: She yanks back on Ri Eun-Ae’s captured arm, continuing to target her elbow and shoulder.
Ri Eun-Ae reaches out for the ropes but Black Tiger continues to row back on her other arm. Eun-Ae gets a little closer to the ropes, but is still too far away. Tuxedo Mask yells more encouragement from ringside.
Bill Blauer: At last, Ri Eun-Ae gets to those ropes and Tommy Milligan forces Black Tiger to release the fujiwara armbar.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger shoots her into the ropes and takes her out with a dropkick.
Black Tiger climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. Tux tries to warn his friend to get up
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae gets to her feet and pushes Black Tiger, impaling her on the top turnbuckle steel cable hook!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae back superplexes her back into the ring!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Black Tiger kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae gets underneath Black Tiger’s legs and then electric chairs her up on to her shoulders.
The Crypto Arena buzzes with anticipation as Ri Eun-Ae walks her over to the corner. She gets a running start and then drops to her knees, dropping Tiger on her face with a Japanese ocean bomb
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thunder Charge!! Eun-Ae picks her up by the legs from behind and lifts her up in a facedown giant swing, spinning round and round, showing off that power of hers!
The audience pops for the show of strength as Ri Eun-Ae reverse giant swings Black Tiger like a top
Bill Blauer: She flips Black Tiger up and over into a wheelbarrow suplex!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oak Evolution!
The fans cheer and Ri Eun-Ae raises her arm…then falls backwards into the corner with dizziness
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae may have spun one too many times during the Oak Evolution, and I think she is feeling the effects.
Phillip Blauer: If you gents don’t mind, I think I’ll get in a little putting while these ladies do their thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes we obviously mind, Phil. We’re in the middle of the match.
Bill Blauer: Phil, sit down.
Phillip Blauer: Sorry, my hands are tied. My golf pro says I can get my tour card if I keep practicing and booking $300 an hour sessions with him.
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. pours out Bill’s drink and puts the cup down for Phil to put into. Phil gets up with his putter and walks over to the front of the announce position, then begins practicing his putt swing in front of the ball
Bill Blauer: Phil?
Guillermo O’Bannon: We can’t see, Phil.
Bill Blauer: (looking past Phil) Ri Eun-Ae atomic drops Black Tiger on the middle of the top rope, and then runs into the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae hits Black Tiger with a koppo kick that knocks her awkwardly to the floor!
The crowd cheers and Tiger hits the concrete hard. Meanwhile, by the announce desk, Phil taps the golf ball with his putter but it bobbles into the audience
Phillip Blauer: Oooh, a little outside the cup.
Ri Eun-Ae puts up her arm and finger, and then runs into the ropes. She hops onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae springboard missile dropkicks Black Tiger, knocking her into Phil!!
Phillip Blauer: Egads!
Phil takes a spill and his putter goes flying. Ri Eun-Ae grabs Black Tiger by the mask, and points to the ringpost. She then points to Black Tiger's head, and then points to the corner post
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae rams Black Tiger's face into the ringpost!!
The LA audience groans as the sound of Black Tiger’s head hitting the steel corner post rings through the Crypto Arena
Bill Blauer: Should we help, Phil?
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is he paying his flunkies for? (snaps at them) Hey! Come on.
Toulouse the Masseuse, Giovanni the Swami, and Dr. Proctor nod and run to Phil’s side to assist him up, brushing off his suit. Ri Eun-Ae pulls Black Tiger up by the mask and knees her in the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae gut wrenches Black Tiger up on her shoulder, but Black Tiger falls behind her on her feet.
Bill Blauer: Eun-Ae turns around and runs into a hotshot on the guardrail!!
The Crypto Arena lets out a loud “OH!” at the sound of Ri Eun-Ae hitting the railing throat first. Eun-Ae rolls around the floor, clutching her throat. Phil sits back at the announce desk
Phillip Blauer: Why it is a madhouse around here. Can a man not put around ringside at a wrasslin show anymore? The old timers would be spinning in their graves if they weren’t in Hades.
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae now has Phil’s putter!
Phillip Blauer: Hey, I paid 3 large for that! It was owned by Fuzzy Zoeller!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger cracks Ri Eun-Ae in the arm with that putter!!
Ri Eun-Ae cradles her arm against her chest and drops to her knees. Black Tiger rolls back into the ring and hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger hurls over the ropes and catches Ri Eun-Ae with a suicide dive!!
The fans cheer, and Black Tiger pulls her up and irish whips her hard into the ring steps and the sound rings through the Crypto Arena
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger runs in with a knee strike to Ri-Eun’s shoulder against the ringsteps!
Bill Blauer: She rolls Ri Eun-Ae back into the ring and applies a cross armbar!
The Los Angeles crowd pops. Ri Eun-Ae kicks her heels into the canvas in pain
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger rows back on Ri Eun-Ae’s arm while pushing her feet into her neck and armpit with her feet. She’s trying to rip that arm clean off!
Bill Blauer: Black Tiger attempting to cash in on all the punishment Ri Eun-Ae’s arm has taken over the past 20 minutes and win the Hardkore Women’s Championship.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A first for her family!
Tommy Milligan checks in but Ri Eun-Ae continuously shakes her head, trying to hold on to the tile. Tuxedo Mask yells from ringside for Ri Eun-Ae not to give up
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae finally rolls to a crouching position and punches her way out of the cross armbar with her free arm!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eun-Ae irish whips her into the ropes and tiltawhirls her into a northern lights bomb!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Black Tiger kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ri Eun-Ae pumphandles Black Tiger up into a running Direct Approach backbreaker!!
The audience roars as Black Tiger flops around the mat like a fish, holding her back. Ri Eun-Ae climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Bill Blauer: Eun-Ae backflips into a moonsault leg drop but there’s no water in the pool!!
The crowd pops again, and a panicked Tuxedo Mask jumps up on the apron. He calls Black Tiger Mask over, but she ignores him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask trying to flirt with Black Tiger but it’s doing no good!
Phillip Blauer: She should give him a chance. How many fellow masked men are out there these days?
Bill Blauer: I don’t think she likes what Tux is saying.
Black Tiger starts walking over to Tuxedo Mask who is showing off his abs under his tuxedo coat. She joins Tommy Milligan in telling him to get down before he gets hurt
Bill Blauer: Ri Eun-Ae sneaks up behind her and waistlocks her. She lifts her for a german suplex, but Black Tiger flips onto her feet behind her!
Guillermo O’Bannon: She Black Tiger Strike #2 spears Ri Eun-Ae, nearly cutting her in half!!
The impact pops Black Tiger up to her knees, and then she collapses on top of Ri Eun-Ae
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor plays and the fans cheer in shock
Greg Jin: “At 24 minutes 8 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…BLACK TIGER!!!”
Bill Blauer: What an upset!
Tommy Milligan hands Black Tiger the Hardkore Women’s Championship, and she hugs it to her chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger achieves a dream and wins the belt that her mother Dragonatrix, never could in her long career!
Tuxedo Mask helps Ri Eun-Ae out of the ring while Black Tiger straps the belt around her waist. The audience pops as Little Dragon jogs down to the ring, applauding
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon now coming down to the ring to celebrate with his sister!
Bill Blauer: This title has eluded their family for over 20 years, now is the time to celebrate!
Black Tiger stands up on the second turnbuckle pointing at the fans, then holding her arms in the air in triumph. Little Dragon comes up from behind her and electric chairs her up on his shoulders
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger is the new Hardkore Women’s Champion and you can bet her parents Dragon Belt and Dragonatrix are watching at home, as proud as can be!
The fans continue to roar as Little Dragon carries his sister on his shoulders, and she has the Hardkore Women’s belt over her shoulder
Voiceover: It’s inevitable that we’re all going to die.
An old couple nods
Voiceover: For every beginning, there must be an end. But did you know you’re wide awake down there the whole time?
The old couple acts surprised and shakes their head, and then an animation begins
Voiceover: You spend an eternity in a tight little box, with nowhere to pee. And before you ask, No. There’s no room to do that either.
But how can you avoid this pesky problem that has plagued humanity throughout time?
The old couple shrugs
Voiceover: With a sky funeral! What’s a sky funeral you ask?
An animation begins with a cartoon dead body with xx’s across it’s eyes
Voiceover: It’s where you are allowed to decompose naturally, without the use of worms who are too busy doing other important worm stuff to eat you.
Cartoon vultures with big adam’s apples fly down and start eating the corpse
Voiceover: You are laid out where the local buzzards can take care of you, until there is nothing left but memories.
Fade to a new age looking woman
Sojourn: Hello, I’m Sojourn Kilpatrick.
Two hippie men appear behind her
Sojourn: And this is my husband Atticus, and our longtime lover who has not yet told us his name.
They both nod slightly towards the camera
Sojourn: The Kilpatrick family has been taking care of the Desert’s funeral needs for over 78 years, but now it’s my turn to offer an alternative to avoid spending eternity in something with little to no back support and would be a waking nightmare of maddening solitude. Choose a sky funeral for your loved ones today by calling Kilpatrick Funeral Home in Palm Springs
With a hushed tone, a spokesman does a very fast disclaimer
“Buzzards may not be the wild animal that devours you. Said animal varies by region. Yes, this is a totally real thing but not entirely legal by which we mean not at all except for in Tibet. No refunds.”
Kilpatrick Green Funerals
Fade up on Guillermo, Phil, Bill and Toulouse the Masseuse, Dr. Proctor, and Giovanni the SwamiGuillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our Hardkore West Coast title match between The Sheik and Dan Stein.
Bill Blauer: The Sheik won the Hardkore West Coast title for the second time in San Diego, defeating Simon Cruise. Dan Stein has never held the Hardkore West Coast title and is undefeated in Los Angeles!
Phillip Blauer: Psst, big deal. So is Sony.
The Crypto Arena darkens, and the reassuring tones of Ron Burgundy are heard.
Ron Burgundy: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Hardkore fans of Los Angeles! Can I please have your attention? I have been handed an urgent... and horrifying news story! The Danimal has entered the building!”
The lights abruptly come on again and the crowd erupts. “Thunderhorse” by Dethklok plays as “The Punisher” Dan Stein and his lovely manager Domino make their way to the ring area, Domino smiling and high-fiving the fans while Stein walks to the ring with his sunglasses on and scowl on his face.
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein changing his entrance, I like it.
Phillip Blauer: Well, every 20 years or so, you have to switch it up. That’s why I don’t stalk women anymore. Well, that and my marriage to what’s her name.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we said earlier, Dan Stein is undefeated here in Hollywood. The last time Dan Stein was here in Los Angeles was in February of 2023 when he, Tuxedo Mask, Kalmin Watts, and Ruben Bowman defeated Psychotic Goth, Jakie Wentzel, Adrienne Blaque, Wesley Rage, and Nick Cage at the Battle of Los Angeles for Wrestle: UK. Before that, he was here in August of 2008 when he defeated the late Lonewolf McNeely. They wrestled in this year’s Hardkore Helloween finals but 17 years earlier, Stein defeated Kilroy Evans here in September of 2006. A year earlier, he won the Hardkore World Six Man Tag team titles in a wargames match with Cobryn, Lucifer Jones, and Johnny Lee Harley over The Microshocker, Stan “The Tank” Wilson, Big Bad Bill, and “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson.
Bill Blauer: As Dan Stein showed off his trophy room, he pointed to the fact that the Hardkore West Coast Championships is one of the few titles he has not won here on the West Coast.
Phillip Blauer: I feel like there were alot of cat heads in there for a trophy room.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein has admired The Sheik for quite some time, but he says he puts that all aside tonight to finally get the West Coast Championship and possibly even his kaffiyeh?
Upon entering the ring, Stein thrusts up his trusty club, the Peacemaker, to the roar of the crowd.
Yolanda Ando: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. His elbow is wrapped. Stein brings a worn, taped up black club called the Peacemaker with him as well.
Bill Blauer: Thank you, Yolanda. Dan Stein has promised violence for this match and The Sheik said no different, so I expect this to be a shocking encounter.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They’ve been in some rings together, and against one another, but this is the first time these two will wrestle in a one on one match, and it is for the Hardkore West Coast Championship!
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit, and it is for the HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, the Challenger. Accompanied to the ring by Domino; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is The One Who Knocks…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
The Crypto Arena cheers wildly as Dan Stein holds up The Peacemaker with Domino applauding
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the LA fans cheer as Malcolm Xavier Graves walks out with Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves says that Dan Stein’s penchant for hunting shows he doesn’t know about true survival and what it means to genuinely suffer.
Bill Blauer: He feels Dan doesn’t get The Sheik and the depravity he’s willing to sink to, to keep his Hardkore West Coast Championship.
The Sheik slides into the ring and flinches towards Dan Stein, but he’s not intimidated
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik has been in the ring with former Hardkore West Coast Champion Eron Hunter, Dylan Black, and Donzig as of late, so he’s battle tested and ready to defend his West Coast title against the 20 year veteran.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Great King of Terror; The Current HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…THE SHEIK!!!”
The Los Angeles crowd cheers as the two men stare at one another from across the ring but then “Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays.
The crowd gives one sour reaction as…not Captain Righteous…but Lady Liberty comes walking out.
Bill Blauer: What is this about?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Captain Righteous’ unwilling sidekick, Lady Liberty.
Phillip Blauer: I’m proud that in 2024, there are now lady superheroes to rescue women from lady problems. Like getting ready for something that started a half hour ago.
Lady Liberty is shy and uncomfortable looking as she raises the microphone to her mouth.
Lady Liberty: “I..I didn't want to do this Mr. Stein…but per my appeasement clause…”
Phillip Blauer: I gotta get his lawyer!
She unfolds a piece of…toilet paper…where something is clearly written quickly.
Lady Liberty: “Quote…’Dan Stein. Fuck you. Suspect number one in my books. You're rotten to the core man, more stinky then this shit I'm taking while writing this. You have these people FOOLED! THE POOR DUPES! But not me, not Captain Righteous. I can smell a villain from a mile away, you stink like yesterday's fish. You'll see me around buddy, to make you feel more inferior I've sent my ward to let you know all of this…*insert fart noise*’...unquote.”
Lady Liberty shrugs and vacates the ramp space, but Captain Righteous pokes his head out yelling something at Lady Liberty who turns once more toward Stein.
Lady Liberty: “PS….I know there wasn't a reason to accuse Stein but I don't need a reason for Dan he just makes me sick.”
And with that Lady Liberty dives to the safety of backstage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This investigation has just become a travesty.
Phillip Blauer: Let’s not dismiss it outright. Dan has all those trophies from hunting animals, maybe he decided to switch to The Most Dangerous Game: Man.
Bill Blauer: With skittles?
Phillip Blauer: But The Most Dangerous Skittle: Red.
Hardkore West Coast Championship
The Sheik vs. "The Punisher" Dan Stein
Richie Richardson rings the bell, and Dan Stein walks over and offers his hand to The Sheik
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein with a show of respect, but The Sheik just stares at his hand.
Dan Stein nods and then puts his dukes up, and The Sheik does the same
Guillermo O’Bannon: They meet at the center ring and just start pummeling each other with punches!
Bill Blauer: Both men giving as good as they’re getting!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein knees him in the stomach and literally tosses The Sheik into the corner like a sack of potatoes!
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein rams his shoulder into Sheik’s stomach a few times, and then chokes him with his boot.
Richie Richardson gives Dan till a count of five to break it, and then taps his shoulder to release the choke
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein irish whips him into the corner, but The Sheik hops onto the middle turnbuckle and jumps back with a leg lariat!
Bill Blauer: The Sheik irish whips him into the ropes and hits him with a clothesline, but Dan just looks at him!
The LA fans pop as Dan Stein offers him another chance to try. Sheik looks back at Malcolm Xavier Graves
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits the ropes and runs right into a discus clothesline by Dan Stein!
Bill Blauer: That nearly took his head off!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls him up into a shinbreaker atomic drop!
The Sheik hobbles a few feet in front of him, and then Dan Stein lifts him up into a suplex, but hangs him up there. Flashes from cell phones all over the Crypto Arena as Dan Stein shows off his power
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein showing how effortlessly he can hold The Sheik up into the air.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Punisher finally drops The Sheik in a jumping vertical suplex!
The crowd applauds as The Sheik sits up and falls back down from the impact. Malcolm Xavier Graves yells some encouragement to The Sheik while Domino applauds on the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein pulls The Sheik up into a bearhug. He clamps down on the small of Sheik’s back, cutting off his breathing.
MXG pounds on the apron, getting the LA audience to clap along with him. The Sheik’s head rises off of Dan Stein’s shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time The Sheik wrestled here was in February of 2023 when he lost the exploding barbed wire death match to Donzig at the Battle of Los Angeles. Before that, this is where he first won the Hardkore West Coast Championship over “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar and Natalie Burrows back in August of 2022.
Bill Blauer: Now he tries to defend that very same championship here tonight by somehow getting out of this bearhug!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik starts punching his way out of the bearhug. He cracks Stein with a few right hands, until he is out of his clutches.
Bill Blauer: The Sheik runs into the ropes and hits Dan Stein with a slingblade!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik pulls him up into a butterfly position, and then spikes his head into the mat with a double underhook DDT!
The Sheik runs into the ropes and then drops a leg across Dan Stein’s face. He makes a cover as Richie Richardson slides into position
…ONE!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik headbutts Dan Stein over and over!
Bill Blauer: Sheik mirroring The Detroit Hangover with those repeated headbutts!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik sits out into a facebuster for The Detroit Hangover!!
The crowd cheers The Sheik doing Dan Stein’s move. The Sheik pulls him up into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein lifts him up into a fireman’s carry. He pitches The Sheik over into a ushigoroshi neckbreaker across his knee!!
Bill Blauer: Stein irish whips The Sheik into the ropes and tiltawhirls him into a backbreaker!
The Sheik flops around on the mat like a fish out of water, clutching his lower back. Domino cheers at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein pulls The Sheik up into a front facelock and jumps into an edgecution DDT!
The impact bounces The Sheik up onto his knees and then back down on his face. Dan Stein pulls him up into a full nelson
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein thrashing The Sheik from side to side, pushing his chin into his chest!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie Richardson checks in but The Sheik refuses to give up to the full nelson! Stein laces his fingers together and pushes down on Sheik’s head.
Bill Blauer: The Sheik mule kicks Dan Stein to escape the full nelson!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs into the ropes and finally takes him down with a clothesline!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls a table out from under the ring!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He slides the table under the ropes, into the ring. Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope and then comes down with a leg drop across Stein’s throat!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Bill Blauer: The Sheik sets up that table against the turnbuckles. He pulls Dan Stein up by the hair.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik irish whips Dan Stein into the table, breaking it in half!!
The Los Angeles fans cheer wildly! Richie Richardson covers his forehead in shock. MXG tells him to follow up
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs in with a leg drop to the back of Dan Stein’s head, further breaking that table in the corner!!
The crowd chants “SHEIK!! SHEIK!! SHEIK!!” while Malcolm Xavier Graves pounds on the apron with his cane
Bill Blauer: Sheik goes for a piledriver but the big man, Dan Stein blocks it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein picks him up, and then pitches him forward with an alabama slammer!!
The Crypto Arena lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Sheik’s head rocking against the canvas. Domino commands Dan to stay on him, so he pulls Sheik up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein rolls him around, and then drops down into a hangman’s neckbreaker!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein applies a fujiwara armbar. He grinds The Sheik’s shoulder into the mat, while cranking up on that arm!
The Sheik shakes his head, refusing to give up to Richie Richardson. The Sheik reaches out for the bottom rope, but it is too far away
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein releases the fujiwara armbar and walks back to the ropes. When The Sheik gets to his feet, Stein begins to charge, but Malcolm Xavier Graves trips him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik basement dropkicks Dan Stein to the floor!
The Sheik rolls out of the ring to the floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls out a table from underneath the ring, and the Los Angeles crowd buzzes with anticipation.
Bill Blauer: MXG introducing a table into the equation. He bridges it across the railing and the ring apron.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls Dan Stein up, and cracks him with a back elbow. He rolls Dan Stein onto the table and then rolls back into the ring.
Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls a chair out from underneath the ring, and slides it under the bottom rope. The Sheik takes the chair and sets it up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits the ropes and then vaults off the chair onto the middle of the top rope. He springboards into a splash onto Stein on the table on the floor!!
The Crypto Arena lets out a loud “OH!!” at the sound of the table cracking. Sheik and Dan Stein lie on top of one another on the broken table
Bill Blauer: The Sheik rolls Dan Stein back into the ring, and follows him in. He pulls him up and pops him with a couple of hard right hands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein ducks one of the right hands and gets behind him with a full nelson!
Bill Blauer: Stein locks those thick fingers together and pushes Sheik’s chin into his chest.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He thrashes The Sheik from side to side, trying to force a submission out of him!
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in but The Sheik refuses to give up. Malcolm Xavier Graves shouts instructions on how to escape from ringside
Bill Blauer: The Sheik finally mule kicks Dan Stein to escape the full nelson.
Domino complains about the low blow to Richie Richardson, while Dan Stein grabs the chair Sheik left by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein comes over with the chair, but The Sheik basement dropkicks his legs out from under him, and his face hits the chair!
Bill Blauer: The Sheik takes the chair and leg drops it across Stein’s face!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik takes the chair and sets it up in front of Dan Stein. He gets a running start and clotheslines him over the ropes onto the floor below!
The fans cheer. Malcolm Xavier Graves slides a table out from underneath the ring, and begins setting it up
Bill Blauer: The Sheik pulls Dan Stein up, but Dan knees him in the stomach. He grabs Sheik by the hair and bashes his face into the steel railing!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein scoops The Sheik up and running powerslams his head into the ringpost!!
The LA audience lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Sheik’s head ringing off the corner post. Dan Stein rolls The Sheik back into the ring, as MXG is sneaking up on him. Domino alerts Stein to Graves’ presence and he turns around
Bill Blauer: Uh oh!
Phillip Blauer: The Danimal is alot bigger up close.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves trying to sweet talk Dan Stein, but Dan is not hearing any of it!
Bill Blauer: But The Sheik comes over the top with a triple jump senton off of that chair by the ropes onto Dan Stein on the floor!!
The Sheik rolls into the ring, with blood leaking from a cut over his eyebrow. Dan Stein crawls back into the ring and pulls himself up by the ropes
Bill Blauer: The Sheik baseball slides into Dan Stein’s calves, clipping his feet out from under him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik hits the ropes, hops off the chair onto the middle of the top rope, turns around and catches Dan Stein with a springboard tornado DDT!
The Sheik pulls Dan Stein up and slugs him. Dan falls into the ropes, to where his butt is resting on the middle rope, and his chest is behind the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik sets the chair up in front of Dan Stein and then hits the ropes. He dives with a clothesline, but Stein catches him and belly to belly suplexes him off the apron through the table on the floor!!
The crowd roars and chants “DAN! DAN! DAN!” as Dan pumps himself up on the apron. Malcolm Xavier Graves tends to a bloody Sheik on the broken table
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein pulls him up and tucks his head into The Sheik’s legs. He lifts him up and then pitches him forward into an alabama slammer onto the broken table!!
The Sheik arches his back in pain as the broken pieces of wood impale his back. Dan Stein rolls him back into the ring
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Bill Blauer: Stein climbs back into the ring and presses The Sheik over his head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan deposits him hard on the mat! Dan Stein lifts him up onto his shoulders in a fireman’s carry. He flips his neck onto his knee with a ushigoroshi!
Phillip Blauer: Was that an ushigoroshi? (puts on his reading glasses) Oh, you might be right.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein lifts him up into an abdominal stretch. He uses all 6 feet 7 inches of that frame to pull Sheik into a rack across his body as Sheik drips blood on to the mat.
Some of the fans chant for Sheik to escape the bearhug, while MXG pounds his cane on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein pulls him down into a d’arce choke! He rolls Sheik over onto his back, and clamps down on his windpipe/
The crowd cheers and Malcolm Xavier Graves looks panicked. Sheik rolls back onto his stomach, but Dan uses his body weight on Sheik’s head to increase the pressure
Bill Blauer: The Sheik uses his free arm to punch his way out of it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He irish whips Dan Stein into the ropes and takes him down with a slingblade!
The Sheik goes through the ropes to the outside and then slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik leaps off with a springboard crossbody!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Sheik stomps Dan Stein over and over, and then pulls him up to his feet. He irish whips Stein into the corner.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He charges in with a heel kick! He grabs Stein by the hair and walks him out to the center of the ring. Sheik sits out into a facebuster!
The Crypto Arena cheers as The Sheik steps up to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik flips back into a moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Bill Blauer: Dan Stein slowly gets to his feet, as The Sheik waiting to pounce.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope and then comes back with a springboard back elbow, but Stein ducks!
Bill Blauer: “The Punisher” Dan Stein hits the ropes on the other side and flips The Sheik end over end with The Stein Line!!
The Los Angeles crowd leaps to its feet as Domino jumps up and down in celebration. Dan Stein drops to his knees in exhaustion and makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Malcolm Xavier Graves breaks his cane over Dan Stein’s head!!
The Crypto Arena rocks with boos and MXG stands over Stein…who looks up at him
Bill Blauer: He’s indestructible!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein has had quite enough of Malcolm Xavier Graves, and from the sound of it, so has LA!
Dan Stein stands up with murder in his eyes, pointing at a terrified MXG
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein gorilla presses MXG over his head!
The audience is deafening as Dan Stein walks Malcolm Xavier Graves around the ring. The manager begs to be put down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous leaping crescent kicks Stein in the face while he’s got Graves over his head!!
Bill Blauer: What is he doing here??
Phillip Blauer: Maybe he’s decided not to look after Dorothy’s murderer, um, cause of her death after all?
The boos are deafening as Captain Righteous pulls Dan Stein up and headbutts him over and over
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous giving him those Of Righteous Gods headbutts, in the middle of our West Coast title match!
Bill Blauer: He turns him around into a full nelson, and The Sheik is now up and hits him with his black mass kick!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Scimitar!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Bill Blauer: Oh come on!
“Seasons In The Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the boos rain down. Captain Righteous stands near Dan Stein looking down with a curled lip
Greg Jin: “At 25 minutes 32 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…THE SHEIK!!!”
A hurt Malcolm Xavier Graves gets the Hardkore West Coast Championship and crawls over to a bleeding Sheik to hand him the belt
Guillermo O’Bannon: I thought The Sheik was better than that.
Bill Blauer: I knew Malcolm Xavier Graves wasn’t, but I have to say, I am surprised that The Sheik would take this route to keep his Hardkore West Coast Championship.
The Sheik rolls out of the ring, with a limping MXG behind him. The Sheik’s face is mask of blood as he holds the Hardkore West Coast Championship over his shoulder. Captain Righteous steps through the ropes and walks out to the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein has also lost his first match in Los Angeles in his 20 year career which I’m sure is the last thing on his mind, after losing a chance at the Hardkore West Coast Championship, thanks to Captain Righteous’ maniacal investigation into the murder of Dorothy.
Phillip Blauer: (wipes a tear) It’s what Dorothy would have wanted.
Domino helps Dan Stein up, who immediately begins looking for Captain Righteous but he’s gone
Man stands in front of a chroma background that says “Anthony Dipesto 2024. Time’s Up.”
Anthony Dipesto: Hello, my name is Anthony Dipesto and I am running for Palm Springs city council. I am running because our current city council includes 5 men and a lady who got a divorce who were very rude to me when I spoke at the meetings every week. One time, the one that shops at Trader Joe’s, if ya know what I mean, told me that if I thought I could do a better job, I was free to run for a seat. So that’s what I did. And let me tell you. It was far from free. Just another lie from The Swamp. This commercial alone means I’m not gonna be able to swing my mortgage again this month, but it’ll be worth it when I get on that city council and show those 5 guys and the divorced lady who’s got a daughter that stays home from school sometimes and she doesn’t seem that sick, that they’re not better than me. Now some people say “Tony, you can’t get into politics for petty spite.” And to that I say, “Yes, I can, Ma.”
His background becomes a waving flag
Anthony Dipesto: Because all of us have been Anthony Depesto’s at one point in our life. Maybe you weren’t invited to your wife’s birthday party. Now you can show the fatcats in Washington and Palm Springs that they’re time is up. And our time is now. How can you do that? By voting for me and not those 5 guys and the woman who has split custody and when her kids aren’t home and I saw her smoke a cigarette once.
Push in to a tight shot
Anthony Dipesto: Time’s up, Diane.
Anthony Dipesto 2024
Open on a somber looking Guillermo, Phil, and Bill
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans I have to admit, I’m not sure what’s happening here tonight with our Hardkore World Tag Team title match. As we’ve all heard, Steve Awesome tragically passed away last week. The wrestling world is still reeling from the shocking news.
Bill Blauer: Unimportant by those standards, but still, there’s been little word on who is replacing him in the match tonight against The End
Guillermo O’Bannon: I guess we’ll all find out together.
Greg Jin: “Ladies and Gentleman, the following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first…THE ANOINTED!”
The audience all cranes their heads to the entrance, waiting to see who comes out
A thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere. AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. Hasbulla walks behind him, angrily blowing his whistle
Guillermo O’Bannon: What? AVB? Where is El Rey?
Alexander Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his face
Bill Blauer: I don’t understand this, Alexander Von Blankenship coming out by himself, is El Rey coming? Is he in the arena?
Phillip Blauer: Must you know everything? It’s really tiresome. Why can’t you let some things just be?
Toulouse the Masseuse: Relax, Phil. You have undone all the work I have done in your infraspinatus and your supraspinatus.
Phillip Blauer: See what you’ve done?? Now my supraspinatus?! Do you know how much that will cost me?
AVB looks out at the crowd, his smirk now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring he points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better than you" as he goes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I see Von Blankenship still has his classic charm.
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, he gives the ring a father son and holy sport blessing before climbing the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd he yells out "Always Very Blessed" before jumping down into the ring. Hasbulla antagonizes the fans with
Phillip Blauer: See? I like when you guys are the ones that are confused. Not so fun is it?
An eerie cold silence drops over the venue as an ominous chanting begins while the lighting begins to darken.
Once the building is shrouded in darkness, the sound system and the people are shocked awake by the explosion of the heavily distorted guitars beginning the intro riff to the music. Pale green and murky orange lights circle the building and pulse lightly with the beat of the music. Two spotlights appear in the middle of the entrance way. From the shadows, out walk two men to take their spots. Mehrunes Smith, in his trademarked leather coat, strokes at the tentacles of his mask as he surveys the buildings from behind the dead black eyes of the mask while Scott Fargo has his sights lasered in on the direction of the ring while he unzips his black hoodie. While making their walk, Smith continues to glare around out at the people while Fargo continues a determined walk his body swaying with the rough beat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The End has been a dominant tag team force since winning the titles in that ladder match in October in Palm Springs.
Bill Blauer: They recently lost their XHF Global Tag Team Championships to His Royal Highness King Edmund IV of Supremia at DTF Diamond Mine 6 in Las Vegas.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s true, they need to figure out what went wrong in Vegas to make sure it doesn’t happen here in LA.
Bill Blauer: With the unexplained situation of their opponents, I’m not sure they even know what’s going to happen here in LA.
As they near the ring, Smith takes the stairs and skirts along the apron, gesturing out to the crowd as he does. Fargo rolls in under the bottom rope and pounces to his feet. Smith crouches down in the ring and faces toward the hard camera with a tilted head, Fargo poses behind him taking off his hoodie and holding it above his head.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents, featuring first, from Lafayette, Louisiana; Standing 5 feet 9 inches tall; Weighing 201 pounds…MEHRUNES SMITH!! His partner is from Minneapolis, Minnesota; Standing 6 feet 3 inches, and Weighing 250 pounds…SCOTT FARGO!! They are The Current HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…This Is THE END!!!”
The crowd gives them a confused reaction, as they wait for the other shoe to drop
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship
The End (Mehrunes Smith and Scott Fargo)
vs.
Alexander Von Blankenship
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell as a confident Alexander Von Blankenship waits in his corner. A suspicious Scott Fargo tells Mehrunes Smith to start off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mehrunes Smith goes to lock up with AVB, but Von Blankenship slaps him!
The audience groans as AVB smirks and backs up. Mehrunes Smith charges in but Von Blankenship ducks his head through the ropes, so Kelly O’Connell stops him
Bill Blauer: As usual, AVB trying to play head games with Mehrunes Smith. We’ll see if it’s effective in throwing him off his game.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship comes back out of the corner, but Mehrunes Smith arm drags him and applies a kimura!
Bill Blauer: Doesn’t look like it threw Mehrunes Smith off his game, it just made him mad!
The crowd cheers as Mehrunes Smith pulls down on Von Blankenship’s wrist, and torques his elbow. As a panicked AVB tries to get to the ropes
Bill Blauer: AVB is able to get his foot under the bottom rope, and Kelly O’Connell forces Mehrunes Smith to break the kimura.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up into a half nelson hammerlock, and then tiger suplexes him!
…ONE!
…Alexander Von Blankenship rolls his shoulder up!
Phillip Blauer: Look at the valiant display of Alexander Von Blankenship, an immigrant kid who started with nothing but a famous Dad and a small fortune, and pulled himself up by his own designer boot straps, and now may win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles! You couldn’t write a better story of the American dream!
Bill Blauer: That’s actually pretty true.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mehrunes Smith pulls him up by the hair, but AVB pokes him in the eye.
Bill Blauer: Alexander Von Blankenship punches him with a couple of right hands. Smith tries to counter with a side kick, but AVB catches his leg.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Smith swings around with an enzuigiri kick to the side of Von Blankenship’s head!
The LA fans let out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Mehrunes Smith’s boot hitting Alexander Von Blankenship’s skull. Smth pulls him up by the hair, as AVB appears to dig into his tights
Guillermo O’Bannon: Smith pulls AVB over to the corner, but Von Blankenship turns around and punches Scott Fargo in the face!
Bill Blauer: Wow, did Fargo go down off the apron on that one!
Phillip Blauer: What can you say? Guy’s got a glass chin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait? What does Alexander have in his hand?
Mehrunes Smith grabs AVB’s hand and Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a tight shot of brass knuckles around his fist
Bill Blauer: Those are brass knuckles!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship knocked out Scott Fargo with a pair of brass knucks, and then his head cracked the concrete on the way down. He is out cold on the floor!
Phillip Blauer: Look, those guys were ganging up on him and the young lad was merely defending himself.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mehrunes Smith has the brass knuckles now, but AVB kicks him in the balls from behind!
Phillip Blauer: Well, he can’t let Smith have them. They just knocked his partner goofy.
The audience boos as AVB mercilessly stomps Mehrunes Smith, who is still recovering from the nut shot. Suddenly, the audience all starts craning their necks over to the entrance
Bill Blauer: Who is this?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Marty Donovan!
Phillip Blauer: What is he doing here?? Was something not about him for 5 seconds?
The crowd erupts with cheers and Marty Donovan goes over to check on Scott Fargo. Inside the ring, Alexander Von Blankenship scoops up Mehrunes Smith and tosses him across the ring in a fallaway slam
Phillip Blauer: For Pete’s sake, what is he doing now?
Bill Blauer: He’s getting on the apron!
The audience roars as Marty Donovan puts his hand out for Mehrunes Smith to tag
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty was without a partner for much of the match earlier tonight, and he knows how that feels!
Bill Blauer: Anything to cost The Anointed the tag team titles.
Phillip Blauer: And Kelly is just going to allow this?
Bill and Guillermo just shrug. Inside the ring, Alexander Von Blankenship notices Marty on the apron. He gets a look of anger and then irish whips Mehrunes Smith into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship catches Smith with a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mehrunes Smith kicks out!
AVB gets up, frustrated and spits at Marty Donovan on the apron
Bill Blauer: Disgusting.
Phillip Blauer: It’s how he expresses himself when he can’t use his words.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship pulls him up into a powerbomb, but Mehrunes Smith takes him over into a huracanrana!!
The crowd leaps to their feet! Mehrunes Smith begins crawling to his corner as the Los Angeles audience urges him on
Bill Blauer: Mehrunes Smith is almost there!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He tags in Marty Donovan!
The fans jump up and down as Marty points at a panic stricken Alexander Von Blankenship. Hasbulla blows his whistle in protest to Kelly O’Connell for letting this happen
Bill Blauer: Alexander Von Blankenship trying to take back all the bad things he said about Marty but there isn’t time!
AVB gets down on his knees and begs for forgiveness but Marty shakes his head, telling him to “Get his ass up!”
Phillip Blauer: Is there no such thing as compassion anymore? Has mercy become the new horse and buggy?
Guillermo O’Bannon: After all The Anointed has put Marty through, I don’t think amnesty is at the front of his mind right now.
Marty Donovan frames Alexander Von Blankenship up with his fingers and runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan comes full speed ahead and…hits Mehrunes Smith with the Dis-Knee!?!
Bill Blauer: Did he miss?
The confused crowd rocks with boos that get louder and louder as a smile creeps across Alexander Von Blankenship’s face
Bill Blauer: Wait a second…
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, you don’t think…
AVB stands up and pulls Mehrunes Smith’s head into his legs and lifts him up into a crucifix, then drops him down into a razor’s edge
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Plague!! Scott Fargo has finally climbed back up to the apron, but Marty gives him a DisKnee as well, knocking him back to the floor!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The bell rings and The Crypto Arena rocks with boos, “Blessed Up’ by Wande plays and the fans toss garbage into the ring
Greg Jin: “At 10 minutes 6 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND ONCE AGAIN HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP AND MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
Marty Donovan and AVB take the tag team belts and hold them up, as they duck debris being thrown into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Have Marty and AVB reunited?!?
Bill Blauer: After all that? He never cared about the fans!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why would Marty do all that after the people in the stands and the boys in the back supported him?
Phillip Blauer: I guess we’ll have to see.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The End was absolutely ambushed in this match, this was not a fair fight.
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. gets pelted with trash as he tries to protect the new Hardkore World Tag Team Champions Van Blankenship and Donovan as they walk to the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, fans, we still have the LA Freeway match coming up in our main event!
Open on a used car lot in Palm Springs Toyota where the salesman is showing off the cars
Ben: Hi Coachella Valley, this is Ben Jrenkin over at Palm Springs Toyota, a big sponsor of Hardkore World, where we have provided many of the cars that that are used in the LA Freeway matches. Those vehicles will be available for collectors, or just people that appreciate a safe and reliable vehicle. But not only that, come on down to Palm Springs Toyota where we have the 2022 Highlander.
Ben walks up to the Highlander and opens the back passenger door
Ben: Look at that backseat. You could take quite the snooze back here.
Ben gets in the backseat and gets comfortable.
Ben: Oh yeah. You would be very snug in here. Get yourself a thermos of soup from the diner, come back here, eat your dinner. You could listen to the radio. Oh yeah, this is better than my house. You could live back here…
He straightens up
Ben: If you had to. I’m just saying with this roomy interior and our zero down financing, if she decides that she just doesn’t love you anymore and maybe never did, you could have quite the life back here. Look!
Ben gets out of the backseat and opens the passenger front door. He opens the glove box and reveals hundreds of condiment packets
Ben: Look at all these. No matter if you’re eating Chinese back here, and they forgot your duck sauce. It’s right here. I even got croutons for when you’re eating a car salad.
Ben chuckles, then stares off into the distance. The memories of her all come rushing back. All the late nights, the long talks, the arguments, the laughter. If he could only just talk to her. To show her how he’s changed and it’s all gonna be different. Then he notices the camera
Ben: So come on down to Palm Springs Toyota. Because who knows if you’re always gonna be living in some big fancy house with somewhere to change your underwear?
Palm Springs Toyota
