Phil You In (CAR JHW)
Feb 18, 2024 17:42:58 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 1 more like this
Post by bloodiedfox on Feb 18, 2024 17:42:58 GMT -5
After a several month absence, we find ourselves once more in the garage of the Esoteric Order of Driving. Dr Dilbert East, Bob the (Formerly) Immortal, and HR Car-Wolf are there, as is ARM815H1 Mk.69 because where else was I going to put a furry sexbot?
Well team, although we are all still in mourning the loss of Armbishi, we must put our grief behind us and focus on what’s important: achieving success in CAR for the glory of the Great Old Ones. What twisted obstacles have been set up for this month’s race?
Actually, this month it’s a match for the XHF Junior Heavyweight title.
Well that’s a problem. Neither Bob or I are trained to wrestle.
And I can’t lose any weight; my ribs are visible as it is.
The three turn expectantly to their new mechanical compatriot.
I will not be body-shamed into reducing my thickness.
Fine, fine, we’ll just have to do this the old fashioned way…
Our designated heroes are standing by a summoning circle, with Bob finishing off a ritual.
Oh Great Old Ones, we beseech you to send us a warrior under 220lb that they might claim the Junior Heavyweight title in your name!!!
There is a blinding flash of light and standing in the circle is a squid-faced humanoid.
Greetings and welcome to the Esoteric Order of Driving! Tell us friend, what is your name?
~Inhuman screeching~
…yeah, I’m not even going to pronounce that. I’m just going to call you Phil.
The Ilithid angrily whacks Bob aside with his face tentacles. Dilbert quickly steps in to smooth over the situation.
Oh mighty warrior whose true name our feeble human tongues cannot pronounce so we humbly approximate as Phil in our inferior language, will you work with us to secure a wrestling title so that greater glory is brought onto our masters the Great Old Ones?
‘Phil’ thinks for a moment, then nods. H.R. and ARM815H1 do a jumping high five in celebration.
Bob, his head bandaged, is giving a slideshow lecture to get Phil up to speed on what awaits him. Currently on display is the champion.
This is The Star Trekker. She may look like nothing but promotional eye candy but she’s proven to be a resourceful combatant. Do not underestimate her.
Next slide.
This is Kasper Van Zant. Easily the biggest threat in the match. She’s the current WUK World Champion and quite frankly far too good to be doing this kind of silly gimmick match, but I guess no-one gets to keep their dignity for very long here. Try to take her out as quickly as you can.
Next slide.
This is… a dog.
Bob looks off to the side.
Seriously, there’s a fucking dog in this match?! What the absolute fuck?
He sighs, then continues.
This is a dog. Eat it.
Next slide.
This is Mr Rip ‘n’ Terror. He’s actually a child. Eat him too.
Next slide.
This is Sho Funaki. He used to actually be a wrestler, then an announcer, now he’s just some hanger on for Death Trap. He’ll probably just try and interview someone.
Last slide.
This is the battleground.
~Inhuman screeching~
What do you mean you’re lactose intolerant?!
Well team, although we are all still in mourning the loss of Armbishi, we must put our grief behind us and focus on what’s important: achieving success in CAR for the glory of the Great Old Ones. What twisted obstacles have been set up for this month’s race?
Actually, this month it’s a match for the XHF Junior Heavyweight title.
Well that’s a problem. Neither Bob or I are trained to wrestle.
And I can’t lose any weight; my ribs are visible as it is.
The three turn expectantly to their new mechanical compatriot.
I will not be body-shamed into reducing my thickness.
Fine, fine, we’ll just have to do this the old fashioned way…
Our designated heroes are standing by a summoning circle, with Bob finishing off a ritual.
Oh Great Old Ones, we beseech you to send us a warrior under 220lb that they might claim the Junior Heavyweight title in your name!!!
There is a blinding flash of light and standing in the circle is a squid-faced humanoid.
Greetings and welcome to the Esoteric Order of Driving! Tell us friend, what is your name?
~Inhuman screeching~
…yeah, I’m not even going to pronounce that. I’m just going to call you Phil.
The Ilithid angrily whacks Bob aside with his face tentacles. Dilbert quickly steps in to smooth over the situation.
Oh mighty warrior whose true name our feeble human tongues cannot pronounce so we humbly approximate as Phil in our inferior language, will you work with us to secure a wrestling title so that greater glory is brought onto our masters the Great Old Ones?
‘Phil’ thinks for a moment, then nods. H.R. and ARM815H1 do a jumping high five in celebration.
Bob, his head bandaged, is giving a slideshow lecture to get Phil up to speed on what awaits him. Currently on display is the champion.
This is The Star Trekker. She may look like nothing but promotional eye candy but she’s proven to be a resourceful combatant. Do not underestimate her.
Next slide.
This is Kasper Van Zant. Easily the biggest threat in the match. She’s the current WUK World Champion and quite frankly far too good to be doing this kind of silly gimmick match, but I guess no-one gets to keep their dignity for very long here. Try to take her out as quickly as you can.
Next slide.
This is… a dog.
Bob looks off to the side.
Seriously, there’s a fucking dog in this match?! What the absolute fuck?
He sighs, then continues.
This is a dog. Eat it.
Next slide.
This is Mr Rip ‘n’ Terror. He’s actually a child. Eat him too.
Next slide.
This is Sho Funaki. He used to actually be a wrestler, then an announcer, now he’s just some hanger on for Death Trap. He’ll probably just try and interview someone.
Last slide.
This is the battleground.
~Inhuman screeching~
What do you mean you’re lactose intolerant?!