Post by Dave D-Flipz on Feb 18, 2024 21:44:30 GMT -5
"Ok now look here, you are only doing this because my Mistress is too distraught over being ROBBED of the title that is RIGHTFULLY hers to participate in this event."
"… But … I thought the fans wanted more Funaki! They know Funaki is NUMBA ONE!"
"Yeah, no. No. Yeah no no no yeah no. Nobody remembers you."
"… Words hurt you know …"
*We stand in the middle of the house that the Bowler Hat Brigade is in control of in North Carolina. How they got it? I haven’t decided and it seems to change in every promo. Is it a house? An apartment? Do they rent or own? Nepotism? Anyhow, Funaki stands next to the manager of the team, Dr. Chaos, as she tries to pep him up with a pep talk. She’s as effective at this task as Lionel Hutz is at lawyering.*
"Look, we wanted to be on the show twice, to really get our team out there to make sure people know that all three members of this squad are XHF global champions! And you’re the weak link, so go out there and prove me- I mean them- wrong!"
"You know Funaki has a storied history as a champion and wrestling school instructor in Japan. I speak 6 languages … I have been a cruiserweight champion in another fed."
"Why wasn’t THAT on the résumé then?"
"Because I was already on Mongo’s payroll and my friend DT reached out to offer me something more … on camera. He knows me. Didn’t he vouch for me?"
"Yes, but he also vouches for his headwear and our sponsors. And given what his headwear looks like, his judgment is … SUSpect."
*Funaki sighs and walks away from Chaos.*
"Just leave it to Funaki. Believe it or not, I am an accomplished wrestler. And last I checked your golden boy is too paunchy to go for this belt."
*Chaos gasps incredulously at this insult to the golden abs. She is so stunned she can’t get a word in before Funaki is gone.*
"HOW DARE-"
*Funaki sits in the room designated the promo-cuttin’ room. It is adorned with Top of the Class merch and accolades. He seems completely at ease in his old ring gear. He holds up one finger to the camera.*
"FUNAKI NUMBA ONE! XHF NUMBA ONE ANNOUNCA! … Feels like home. For those of you who don’t know … Funaki has been in XHF for a long time now. Teaming with Jimmy Fat, palling around with Death Trap, being the best interviewer on the roster. NELLY DOESN’T EVEN DO INTERVIEWS EXCEPT FOR ROB ARNOLD ANYMORE! And I guess Magnus and maybe like … Venom or something. Point is I AM AROUND AND NOBODY BOTHERS TO GIVE FUNAKI WORK! But in the words of my big best buddy … LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING BRUTHA!"
*Funaki smiles a bit as he thinks back to his time in the Allied Powers with The Real American Jimmy Fat.*
"What these new generations of fans don’t know, Funaki is going to inform them of! Because that’s what a good journalist DOES! Funaki has been around the block, across countries, oceans, feds, and unemployment. Funaki has trained generations of wrestlers in his dojo. Funaki knows one thing better than anyone. And it is the art of the wrestling piece to camera. And second to that is WRESTLING! You all fawn over Nelly Angel and his amazing wrestling career, hiring him to work as an interviewer when he doesn’t want it. But Funaki is NUMBA ONE! And you all will see that when Funaki returns to in ring action for the first time in 8 years! I have NOT lost a step, I have NOT gathered rust. I stayed ready, kept teaching and training. And look at my luck."
*Funaki laughs as he brings up a powerpoint slide on the wall next to him. It shows various cheeses.*
"NOBODY … is cheesier … than Funaki! You’ve seen Jimmy Fat and his nacho habit. Only Obsidian could say as a junior heavyweight he has been around more cheese than me. Jimmy is an 80s throwback wrestler, the old guard. I have heard more cheese from his mouth than is considered healthy by the American Psychiatric Association! Nobody has been in more cheesy matches than Funaki! I got eliminated from a rumble three times … WITHOUT EVEN ENTERING!"
*Funaki brings up a slide of the current Junior Heavyweight Champion, Star Trekker*
"Now I hear you, look at the champion. She is a corporate shill for a series known for more schlock and cheese than almost any other! She plays the perfect balance of joke and character! To which I say, she certainly IS a joke. But to be a good joke … YOU HAVE TO BE FUNNY! She isn’t even the funniest character in her alliance! That would be the wanna be do-badder who does more good than evil. A wanna be dark lord. I want to slap him. He is second only to Nelly Angel in my target list. But he’s so different than Nelly. Nelly wishes he were that cheesy! Or that over! Funaki hears the boos for you Nelly …"
*Ahem … but he digresses*
"But yes. She is certainly cheesy … or … she WAS! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE FIRED!? Funaki knows the feeling all too well. I’ve seen the pattern. What comes next is introspection, questions about the future and where you go next. DRAMA ISN’T CHEESY ENOUGH FOR THIS MATCH! Funaki will Funaki Bomb you back to Starfleet HQ and claim the cheesy crown as XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion!"
*Funaki clicks a button and shoots right to his next target*
"Theodore. You are a dog. Dogs are delightful and friendly, mildly goofy. But not cheesy. Just you know … sit … be a good boy. Funaki will give you tummy rubs … for three seconds. Then let you eat all the cheese yourself!"
*Click, new slide.*
"Kasper. You are a world champion. What message are you sending to the fans by being in this match? Let the downtrodden have their day! You aren’t cheesy. Funaki would cheese circles around you on his worst day!"
*click, new slide*
"A mind-flayer? Those are so in right now. Everyone has heard of them. Stranger Things, Critical Role. How mainstream. How populist. How un-cheesy. DO you even wrestle bro? Funaki will show you what it means to be in the ring. I learned all about how you use those tentacles from those cartoons Sarah watches when her mom isn’t paying attention!"
*Click … he leaves it on a slide of Mr. Rip N’ Terror!*
"Here’s the honest truth. Funaki is a champion caliber fighter. But Funaki is also the cheesiest. Kraft comes to ME for advice. Chester Cheetah studied in my dojo. None of you are the perfect balance of CHEESE and TALENT that I am! And I will prove myself to everyone. Because FUNAKI IS NUMBA ONE! In fact the only one of you I think is worthy of this match with me … is Mr. Rip N’ Terror! He … he gets it. He understands. But … he is also very short and might drown in this cheese. Leaving FUNAKI THE WINNER! Funaki does not condone child violence… The cheesy title … will be mine! And then DT and MD will respect me again! THE CHEESIEST!"
*Suddenly the door busts open and DT peers in.*
"Dude … are you cutting an honest to Mongo pre-Network XHF era attack promo? That’s so fucking cheesy bro. I taught you better. You’re making us look bad! GO out there and punt the toddler and win the match. One of the people in the match is a DOG! If you lose … I will lose all respect for you."
"Funaki has this. You need to have more faith in your friends, buddy."
"You better clean off the cheese, you are NOT getting in my car covered in cheese. Or cheesy dog hair. Dogs shed bro. And pee. My car is a temple. And where is your bowler hat?"
"You … never gave me one?"
"Well … I won’t! Unless you clean off the cheese!"
"I’m getting very mixed signals here as to whether I should clean the cheese or not …"
*Fade*
"… But … I thought the fans wanted more Funaki! They know Funaki is NUMBA ONE!"
"Yeah, no. No. Yeah no no no yeah no. Nobody remembers you."
"… Words hurt you know …"
*We stand in the middle of the house that the Bowler Hat Brigade is in control of in North Carolina. How they got it? I haven’t decided and it seems to change in every promo. Is it a house? An apartment? Do they rent or own? Nepotism? Anyhow, Funaki stands next to the manager of the team, Dr. Chaos, as she tries to pep him up with a pep talk. She’s as effective at this task as Lionel Hutz is at lawyering.*
"Look, we wanted to be on the show twice, to really get our team out there to make sure people know that all three members of this squad are XHF global champions! And you’re the weak link, so go out there and prove me- I mean them- wrong!"
"You know Funaki has a storied history as a champion and wrestling school instructor in Japan. I speak 6 languages … I have been a cruiserweight champion in another fed."
"Why wasn’t THAT on the résumé then?"
"Because I was already on Mongo’s payroll and my friend DT reached out to offer me something more … on camera. He knows me. Didn’t he vouch for me?"
"Yes, but he also vouches for his headwear and our sponsors. And given what his headwear looks like, his judgment is … SUSpect."
*Funaki sighs and walks away from Chaos.*
"Just leave it to Funaki. Believe it or not, I am an accomplished wrestler. And last I checked your golden boy is too paunchy to go for this belt."
*Chaos gasps incredulously at this insult to the golden abs. She is so stunned she can’t get a word in before Funaki is gone.*
"HOW DARE-"
*Funaki sits in the room designated the promo-cuttin’ room. It is adorned with Top of the Class merch and accolades. He seems completely at ease in his old ring gear. He holds up one finger to the camera.*
"FUNAKI NUMBA ONE! XHF NUMBA ONE ANNOUNCA! … Feels like home. For those of you who don’t know … Funaki has been in XHF for a long time now. Teaming with Jimmy Fat, palling around with Death Trap, being the best interviewer on the roster. NELLY DOESN’T EVEN DO INTERVIEWS EXCEPT FOR ROB ARNOLD ANYMORE! And I guess Magnus and maybe like … Venom or something. Point is I AM AROUND AND NOBODY BOTHERS TO GIVE FUNAKI WORK! But in the words of my big best buddy … LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING BRUTHA!"
*Funaki smiles a bit as he thinks back to his time in the Allied Powers with The Real American Jimmy Fat.*
"What these new generations of fans don’t know, Funaki is going to inform them of! Because that’s what a good journalist DOES! Funaki has been around the block, across countries, oceans, feds, and unemployment. Funaki has trained generations of wrestlers in his dojo. Funaki knows one thing better than anyone. And it is the art of the wrestling piece to camera. And second to that is WRESTLING! You all fawn over Nelly Angel and his amazing wrestling career, hiring him to work as an interviewer when he doesn’t want it. But Funaki is NUMBA ONE! And you all will see that when Funaki returns to in ring action for the first time in 8 years! I have NOT lost a step, I have NOT gathered rust. I stayed ready, kept teaching and training. And look at my luck."
*Funaki laughs as he brings up a powerpoint slide on the wall next to him. It shows various cheeses.*
"NOBODY … is cheesier … than Funaki! You’ve seen Jimmy Fat and his nacho habit. Only Obsidian could say as a junior heavyweight he has been around more cheese than me. Jimmy is an 80s throwback wrestler, the old guard. I have heard more cheese from his mouth than is considered healthy by the American Psychiatric Association! Nobody has been in more cheesy matches than Funaki! I got eliminated from a rumble three times … WITHOUT EVEN ENTERING!"
*Funaki brings up a slide of the current Junior Heavyweight Champion, Star Trekker*
"Now I hear you, look at the champion. She is a corporate shill for a series known for more schlock and cheese than almost any other! She plays the perfect balance of joke and character! To which I say, she certainly IS a joke. But to be a good joke … YOU HAVE TO BE FUNNY! She isn’t even the funniest character in her alliance! That would be the wanna be do-badder who does more good than evil. A wanna be dark lord. I want to slap him. He is second only to Nelly Angel in my target list. But he’s so different than Nelly. Nelly wishes he were that cheesy! Or that over! Funaki hears the boos for you Nelly …"
*Ahem … but he digresses*
"But yes. She is certainly cheesy … or … she WAS! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE FIRED!? Funaki knows the feeling all too well. I’ve seen the pattern. What comes next is introspection, questions about the future and where you go next. DRAMA ISN’T CHEESY ENOUGH FOR THIS MATCH! Funaki will Funaki Bomb you back to Starfleet HQ and claim the cheesy crown as XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion!"
*Funaki clicks a button and shoots right to his next target*
"Theodore. You are a dog. Dogs are delightful and friendly, mildly goofy. But not cheesy. Just you know … sit … be a good boy. Funaki will give you tummy rubs … for three seconds. Then let you eat all the cheese yourself!"
*Click, new slide.*
"Kasper. You are a world champion. What message are you sending to the fans by being in this match? Let the downtrodden have their day! You aren’t cheesy. Funaki would cheese circles around you on his worst day!"
*click, new slide*
"A mind-flayer? Those are so in right now. Everyone has heard of them. Stranger Things, Critical Role. How mainstream. How populist. How un-cheesy. DO you even wrestle bro? Funaki will show you what it means to be in the ring. I learned all about how you use those tentacles from those cartoons Sarah watches when her mom isn’t paying attention!"
*Click … he leaves it on a slide of Mr. Rip N’ Terror!*
"Here’s the honest truth. Funaki is a champion caliber fighter. But Funaki is also the cheesiest. Kraft comes to ME for advice. Chester Cheetah studied in my dojo. None of you are the perfect balance of CHEESE and TALENT that I am! And I will prove myself to everyone. Because FUNAKI IS NUMBA ONE! In fact the only one of you I think is worthy of this match with me … is Mr. Rip N’ Terror! He … he gets it. He understands. But … he is also very short and might drown in this cheese. Leaving FUNAKI THE WINNER! Funaki does not condone child violence… The cheesy title … will be mine! And then DT and MD will respect me again! THE CHEESIEST!"
*Suddenly the door busts open and DT peers in.*
"Dude … are you cutting an honest to Mongo pre-Network XHF era attack promo? That’s so fucking cheesy bro. I taught you better. You’re making us look bad! GO out there and punt the toddler and win the match. One of the people in the match is a DOG! If you lose … I will lose all respect for you."
"Funaki has this. You need to have more faith in your friends, buddy."
"You better clean off the cheese, you are NOT getting in my car covered in cheese. Or cheesy dog hair. Dogs shed bro. And pee. My car is a temple. And where is your bowler hat?"
"You … never gave me one?"
"Well … I won’t! Unless you clean off the cheese!"
"I’m getting very mixed signals here as to whether I should clean the cheese or not …"
*Fade*