Post by flo on Feb 26, 2024 23:51:20 GMT -5
A small boy plays with a potato like it was an action figure... he *might* be a little slow. While this special child eats paint chips off the floor, living it up in his own private world, his adult supervision gossip about the previous generation's village idiot. Is the literal sponge absorbing any of their words?
"Apparently he got stuck, had to wait for the cemetery caretaker to get him out the next morning."
"Is that, Carl?"
"Yeah, Carl found him - lost his lunch."
"Can you imagine spooning with a corpse all night? What a trainwreck."
"He's a walking disaster."
The man they are talking about sure does command a lot of attention. The mentally handicapped youth decides that Walking Disaster is a term of great respect, and in between fistfuls of paint chips, decides that is what he wants to be when he grows up. Are there stronger words than Disaster? Walking Catastrophe? Walking Calamity? Walking Cataclysm?
"...And that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be..."
Wait for it-
"CJ Walker."
The image of the child fades out, before the Hardcore Champion saunters into the black frame.
Florida Man:
The Walking Apocalypse. ...Was Holocaust taken?
...Though given your less than rational take on the Trail of Tears, CJ, you might find genocide funny. Different strokes I guess, but it'd be nice if you suffered one.
I'm guessing from your dumb moniker that the implication is that where you go, the apocalypse follows? The living embodiment of doomsday? Or just by virtue of being somewhere you turn it into the end of days? Gotta say, you had a good track record on that front... UPW, WCW... seems like no matter where you went, the federation died a month later. Almost like they were on their last legs, and incredibly desperate, which is why they even agreed to let the pathetic joke that is you, make an appearance. I'm not saying signing CJ Walker is the equivalent of turning tricks at a bus terminal - but how is Nausicaä keeping the company lights on? Hand on a bible, I was excited when you joined J-RoK, CJ... cause I figured the Walking Apocalypse getting a contract meant they'd be out of business in short order. Yet here we are. Couldn't even get that right.
...You are such a fucking disappointment.
Shaking his head in disgust, the Sunshine State Stud waits a beat before he starts strolling down a darkened path. Yes, Florida Man is WALKING. The cameraman almost stumbles a few times trying to maintain a medium close-up on the moving target.
Florida Man:
When you decided on Walking Apocalypse, did you think the biggity badass factor outweighed the negative dang connotations? Cause you'd get the same non-sensical cringe by dubbing yourself the anal fissure. "Who's that WALKING this way? OH NO! HIDE YOUR KIDS, HIDE YOUR WIFE, IT'S THE LIVING ANAL FISSURE CJ WALKER! HIS APPEARANCE HERALDS GREAT DISCOMFORT!" Event? You're an Extinction Level TROLL. Your promos, like your gimmick, like you thinking that you have a shot at a wrestling career - are comedic. You are literally the only person who isn't in on the joke that is you. Seriously, when you were ripping off Sid as the Master and Ruler of the World, you were somehow more creative and less embarrassing than usual. How is that even possible?
Wolf of West Memphis? You're more like a value menu West Memphis Three in One. Tourists go to West Memphis and ask "Is this the hometown of CJ Walker" and the locals respond "Let us tell you about our child killings." You're such an unpleasant subject, that child murders are considered a better hook to drive business. HONEST QUESTION - can you help me out here - I'm just wondering, why weren't you murdered as a tot, CJ? Not charismatic enough? Big for your age? Too slow to get lured? For the record, this here Florida Man is AGAINST CHILD KILLINGS no matter how much revenue it provides the city of West Memphis.............. but as disgusting as I find the concept, if it could spare the world a WALKING APOCALYPSE... the benefits might outweigh the cost of a small bag of quick lime. Hear that CJ, you're worth it!
Rather than just owning the poor, racist, white trash origin story that your home town indicates, and your anti-Indigenous statements underline... you've felt the need to treat viewers to an itemized list of your genealogy. Generic Irish, Scottish, English, mutt mix pissing into the same shallow Arkansa gene pool, no? Sounds like a recipe for a walking apocalypse to me. WOW! What a majestic family tree - branches so sturdy you could hang yourself off them. Don't let me stop you. Oh, but your Viking on your father's side. How far back? Second generation Viking? And what kind of Viking - hailing from the area that would indicate Danish, Swedish, Norse? Indigenous people identify by tribe when possible, not generic umbrella terms like a Dungeons & Dragons warrior template, Fighting Man. I see your nomadic seafaring warrior fringe, and I think there's a guy who really jumped on that History Channel show late in the fad. Congratulations Viking CJ, you're on the fast track to joining Nausicaä at the bus terminal offering Skyrim Jobs. What great ancestry. So glad you worked your ethnic background into trying to defend a hate speech that would get you banned by any self-respecting Network. Aren't you just the rose that grew out of concrete.
.......But here's what I don't get. You're in your West Memphis trailer, sucking back Mountain Dew, snapping into Slim Jims, and whacking off till you bleed watching The Last Kingdom... why wouldn't you tie the obsession into your sad wank apocalypse bit? The Walking Ragnarok. Still stupid, but it would be consistent. Which is the one thing I know the C in your name doesn't stand for.
I noticed that neither of your parents are Japanese, so can we get into the whole Viking Yakuza thang?
Question. Did you sign up for the make a wish foundation, and in the course of meeting sick children, wander into a ward for five-year-olds with severe brain trauma - and then have a contest for the drooling comatose youths to develop your supporting act? VIKING FUCKING YAKUZAS? SERIOUSLY? How does that work? And please use the phrase "It's a state of mind" in your insipid, meandering, blood boiling justification.
Follow-up Question. As dumb as marrying your love of Kazuma Kiryu to your love of Greybeards was... for a group that should have been called: Like A Dragonborn... and then apparently hiring back-up dancers to play out an organized crime family, because nothing says Walking Apocalypse like needing a dozen non-speaking henchmen to take care of business for you. For ALL THAT... why would you drop the Yakuza bit when you finally arrived in Japan, and it might be somehow relevant?
God you suck. What other nicknames did you sport before boasting that you'd be the next hardcore champion?
The Vengeful One? Good thing Disturbed had that song with the same name, now you can synergize... and be as cool as Disturbed. ...Seriously, cut yourself better.
Mr. World Champion? ..........when was the last time that one was relevant?
Yeah, CJ... what are you doing here?
You're clearly out of your element, and in way over your head. You're still going to be a Walking Trainwreck, but Apocalypse? Why not do everyone a favour and put yourself out of our misery.
With that the Florida Man walks out of frame, leaving nothing but darkness.
"Apparently he got stuck, had to wait for the cemetery caretaker to get him out the next morning."
"Is that, Carl?"
"Yeah, Carl found him - lost his lunch."
"Can you imagine spooning with a corpse all night? What a trainwreck."
"He's a walking disaster."
The man they are talking about sure does command a lot of attention. The mentally handicapped youth decides that Walking Disaster is a term of great respect, and in between fistfuls of paint chips, decides that is what he wants to be when he grows up. Are there stronger words than Disaster? Walking Catastrophe? Walking Calamity? Walking Cataclysm?
"...And that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be..."
Wait for it-
"CJ Walker."
The image of the child fades out, before the Hardcore Champion saunters into the black frame.
Florida Man:
The Walking Apocalypse. ...Was Holocaust taken?
...Though given your less than rational take on the Trail of Tears, CJ, you might find genocide funny. Different strokes I guess, but it'd be nice if you suffered one.
I'm guessing from your dumb moniker that the implication is that where you go, the apocalypse follows? The living embodiment of doomsday? Or just by virtue of being somewhere you turn it into the end of days? Gotta say, you had a good track record on that front... UPW, WCW... seems like no matter where you went, the federation died a month later. Almost like they were on their last legs, and incredibly desperate, which is why they even agreed to let the pathetic joke that is you, make an appearance. I'm not saying signing CJ Walker is the equivalent of turning tricks at a bus terminal - but how is Nausicaä keeping the company lights on? Hand on a bible, I was excited when you joined J-RoK, CJ... cause I figured the Walking Apocalypse getting a contract meant they'd be out of business in short order. Yet here we are. Couldn't even get that right.
...You are such a fucking disappointment.
Shaking his head in disgust, the Sunshine State Stud waits a beat before he starts strolling down a darkened path. Yes, Florida Man is WALKING. The cameraman almost stumbles a few times trying to maintain a medium close-up on the moving target.
Florida Man:
When you decided on Walking Apocalypse, did you think the biggity badass factor outweighed the negative dang connotations? Cause you'd get the same non-sensical cringe by dubbing yourself the anal fissure. "Who's that WALKING this way? OH NO! HIDE YOUR KIDS, HIDE YOUR WIFE, IT'S THE LIVING ANAL FISSURE CJ WALKER! HIS APPEARANCE HERALDS GREAT DISCOMFORT!" Event? You're an Extinction Level TROLL. Your promos, like your gimmick, like you thinking that you have a shot at a wrestling career - are comedic. You are literally the only person who isn't in on the joke that is you. Seriously, when you were ripping off Sid as the Master and Ruler of the World, you were somehow more creative and less embarrassing than usual. How is that even possible?
Wolf of West Memphis? You're more like a value menu West Memphis Three in One. Tourists go to West Memphis and ask "Is this the hometown of CJ Walker" and the locals respond "Let us tell you about our child killings." You're such an unpleasant subject, that child murders are considered a better hook to drive business. HONEST QUESTION - can you help me out here - I'm just wondering, why weren't you murdered as a tot, CJ? Not charismatic enough? Big for your age? Too slow to get lured? For the record, this here Florida Man is AGAINST CHILD KILLINGS no matter how much revenue it provides the city of West Memphis.............. but as disgusting as I find the concept, if it could spare the world a WALKING APOCALYPSE... the benefits might outweigh the cost of a small bag of quick lime. Hear that CJ, you're worth it!
Rather than just owning the poor, racist, white trash origin story that your home town indicates, and your anti-Indigenous statements underline... you've felt the need to treat viewers to an itemized list of your genealogy. Generic Irish, Scottish, English, mutt mix pissing into the same shallow Arkansa gene pool, no? Sounds like a recipe for a walking apocalypse to me. WOW! What a majestic family tree - branches so sturdy you could hang yourself off them. Don't let me stop you. Oh, but your Viking on your father's side. How far back? Second generation Viking? And what kind of Viking - hailing from the area that would indicate Danish, Swedish, Norse? Indigenous people identify by tribe when possible, not generic umbrella terms like a Dungeons & Dragons warrior template, Fighting Man. I see your nomadic seafaring warrior fringe, and I think there's a guy who really jumped on that History Channel show late in the fad. Congratulations Viking CJ, you're on the fast track to joining Nausicaä at the bus terminal offering Skyrim Jobs. What great ancestry. So glad you worked your ethnic background into trying to defend a hate speech that would get you banned by any self-respecting Network. Aren't you just the rose that grew out of concrete.
.......But here's what I don't get. You're in your West Memphis trailer, sucking back Mountain Dew, snapping into Slim Jims, and whacking off till you bleed watching The Last Kingdom... why wouldn't you tie the obsession into your sad wank apocalypse bit? The Walking Ragnarok. Still stupid, but it would be consistent. Which is the one thing I know the C in your name doesn't stand for.
I noticed that neither of your parents are Japanese, so can we get into the whole Viking Yakuza thang?
Question. Did you sign up for the make a wish foundation, and in the course of meeting sick children, wander into a ward for five-year-olds with severe brain trauma - and then have a contest for the drooling comatose youths to develop your supporting act? VIKING FUCKING YAKUZAS? SERIOUSLY? How does that work? And please use the phrase "It's a state of mind" in your insipid, meandering, blood boiling justification.
Follow-up Question. As dumb as marrying your love of Kazuma Kiryu to your love of Greybeards was... for a group that should have been called: Like A Dragonborn... and then apparently hiring back-up dancers to play out an organized crime family, because nothing says Walking Apocalypse like needing a dozen non-speaking henchmen to take care of business for you. For ALL THAT... why would you drop the Yakuza bit when you finally arrived in Japan, and it might be somehow relevant?
God you suck. What other nicknames did you sport before boasting that you'd be the next hardcore champion?
The Vengeful One? Good thing Disturbed had that song with the same name, now you can synergize... and be as cool as Disturbed. ...Seriously, cut yourself better.
Mr. World Champion? ..........when was the last time that one was relevant?
Yeah, CJ... what are you doing here?
You're clearly out of your element, and in way over your head. You're still going to be a Walking Trainwreck, but Apocalypse? Why not do everyone a favour and put yourself out of our misery.
With that the Florida Man walks out of frame, leaving nothing but darkness.