A good old fashioned anti climactic crossover (Tribute show)
Mar 3, 2024 9:46:27 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Spike Kane, and 3 more like this
Post by Ed/RD/LD on Mar 3, 2024 9:46:27 GMT -5
Memorial Show.
”I… Uh… I don’t really know how to start this.”
{ This sucks. }
”I guess a little intro for those who don’t know who I am?”
{ I shrug, what else can I do. }
”Obviously my name is Rob Diamond, ya’ll saw that on the link you clicked to view this. I hail from a long forgotten land called New Championship Wrestling. That’s where I met the man we all know and love, the man known as Steve Awesome.”
{ This really sucks. }
”I couldn’t tell you exactly where, when or how Steve and I met. I just know that we were both pretty immature assholes who just hit it off. We both had the same crude sense of humor, we both absolutely loved getting under people’s skin. It was literally like our hobby to be as irritating as humanly possible, to a fault sometimes. But we went from perfect stranger to pretty inseparable in the blink of an eye.”
{ I wish I could remember all the details. }
”And from that point forward we did a whole hell of a lot together. We continued InFamous after one of Spike’s retirements, we held the NCW World Title back to back, of course he took it from me and it stung at the time but in hindsight it was an honor. We were like a power couple back in those days. Of course all good things come to an end and NCW went away.”
{ I’m glad I could be there at the end to enjoy that final show with my friends. }
”Eventually we both found our way over to IWF, I know, I know, those are dirty initials here but whatever. And we rekindled our passionate little bromance like nothing had changed. Of course we were both a little older, a little wiser, avoiding cancel culture at every turn but we went on the single best run of my career. I hope Steve felt the same way. We started Being InFamous along with James Gilmore. We held all the men’s titles in IWF, we won feud of the year, hero of the year, we won everything you could possible win. It was incredible. I honestly wish I could rewind the clock to 2019 and do it all again.”
{ Probably more than James wants to. }
”But you all know how things go. One minute you’re best friends with someone and the next one of you says something stupid and whole thing goes off that never should. Well one of us said something stupid. I don’t know, it was probably me. It’s usually me. And instead of remembering how much I cared about Steve I knuckled down and refused to speak to him until he spoke to me.”
{ I’m trying to hold back tears. }
”What a stupid fucking decision that was.”
{ Unsuccessfully. }
”For about the last year I waited for him to be the bigger man and shoot me a message, something really classy like-”
“You still big mad, bro?”
“And it never came. I know it wasn’t stubbornness on his part like it was on mine. Steve was a fucking super kind dude behind the persona. He cared about everyone like they were family. We probably all felt like we were his single most best friend because he treated us all that way. As much as it sucks for me to feel this way, he probably didn’t message me because I hurt him. I shit on an incredible friendship over something as stupid as professional wrestling.”
{ It sounds stupid saying it too. }
”I could’ve messaged him at anytime. I know he would have responded. I know we would have gone right back to where we left off like nothing happened. I know I could’ve had that friendship back and Steve in my life whether we were in the same company or not. And for as long as I live I will always regret not sending that text.”
{ It haunts me. }
”But Steve, I know you’re out there, probably sitting in a hot tub with Marilyn Monroe and Judy Garland making Jesus as uncomfortable as humanly possible. I know you’re listening to me blabber on like a baby with tears in my eye and just thinking-”
“It’s cool, dude.”
“At least, that’s what I hope you’re thinking.”
{ Fuck. }
”But for what it’s worth, Steve. I’m truly sorry. I’m sorry I let ego get in the way of our friendship. I’m sorry I let wrestling get in the way of our friendship. I’m just real fucking sorry and I hope to god that you’ve forgiven me in the afterlife. You were a truly amazing dude who had a whole hell of a lot more to give to this world. You were just getting started, the band wasn’t even tuned up yet. But I know you’re hitting the music wherever you are.”
“I love you, brother.”
“I miss you.”
{ And now the tears. }
”Before we move onto something a little more light hearted, something Steve would hopefully enjoy I just want to address some of the people here in the XHF who I’ve crossed paths with before.”
{ Too many to name. }
”Whatever I did to sour your opinion of me, whatever I said, whatever happened that created a gulf between us, I am sorry. I do truly miss all the friendships I’ve lost along the way. It seems the older I get the pool of people I enjoy this life with gets ever smaller. I can count on one hand the number of people in wrestling who are my friends. I don’t know if that’s all my fault or not and I don’t care.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss shooting the shit. I miss hanging out. I miss just sending random funny memes. I miss the friendships I used to have and the community I was surrounded by. There are so many faces here in XHF that I feel written off by and I honestly can’t remember what happened anymore. My mind doesn’t exactly work like that. I try not to hold grudges or keep hate in my heart. So again, to any of you who used to call me a friend, I am sorry. And if you ever want to get back in touch with me? Please do. I would welcome it.”
{ Honestly. }
”Now with that being said we’ve got a memorial show to put on. A show I am absolutely honored to be a part of. I thank the people in charge for accepting me into their community if even for one night only. But, Steve wouldn’t want us to sit around being sad and talking about our regrets. Honestly? He’d probably cut a shoot promo on me for everything I said and make me look like a total baby.”
“And it would be epic.”
“So for one night only, let’s put the sadness behind us. Let’s forget about how much we miss him. Let’s go out there and put on the craziest most bat shit insane professional wrestling show the world has ever seen, because that’s what Steve would want! Let’s break out the light tubes and the dildos and the barbed wire and celebrate this man’s life in style! Let’s memorialize him in the way he would have wanted!”
{ The tiniest of smirks. }
”With a bunch of grown ass men and potentially some women in essentially their underwear trying to pin each other’s shoulders to a mat!”
{ Reverse peace sign up. }
”Deuces.”
~~
{ After the break we cut to a very 80’s looking wrestling promo set complete with a nondescript promotional banner and a short bald man with a microphone. }
?: My name is Slim Jim Johnson and joining me today is LORD DOMINICUS!!!
{ Pull back to reveal the ORIGINAL LORD DOMINICUS! }
Lord Dominicus: What’s up Slim Jim!?
{ Flexy arms. }
Slim Jim: Now Lord Dominicus, this coming weekend you will be stepping into the ring with perhaps your greatest rivals. How does that make you feel?
Lord Dominmicus: I’m a be real honest with you Slim Jim brother. It doesn’t make me feel good. Faux Dominicus and his gender transitioned friend have been riding my coat tails for too long, dude. And this coming weekend when we step in the ring two on two in front of the greatest crowd in the multiverse they’re gonna be in for a rude awakening, brother!
Slim jim: Those are some strong words, LD but this is a tag team match and you don’t seem to have a partner.
Lord Dominicus: That’s where you’re wrong, Slim Jim. Not only do I have a partner, brother, I’ve got the greatest partner this side of the slip stream! The man who will be standing shoulder to shoulder with me and dishing out equal helpings of butt beatings is by far one of the most dangerous men I’ve ever known, dude.
Slim Jim: Really and when will you introduce him?
Lord Dominicus: Well that’s the thing Slim Jim, I need to pad this portion of the pomo out a little longer dude. We haven’t exactly hit our allotted time yet, brother. So let me just say this to those two wannabe Dominicus jabronis! We go way back, back further than most people know about! But all of that is dust in the wind, dudes. Because you made the biggest mistake anyone can make, brother. You took the joke too far! And that’s why I’m crossing over into enemy territory to take back what rightfully belongs to me, brother! There is one and only Lord Domincius and you’re looking at him!
{ Big time flex. }
Lord Dominicus: So take your vitamins! Say your prayers to whichever entity you do believe in and if you’re not a believer then pray to Angel because he’s always listening! This weekend when you step into the ring with the two man tag team dream! We are gonna run WILD over your monkey loving butts!
[Commercial break.]
[commercial break]
{ After the break we cut to the 80’s looking wrestling promo set complete with a nondescript promotional banner the short bald man seemingly in mid-interview with Lord Dominicus}
“OOOOOOOOHHHHH YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!”
Slim Jim: My word, it appears we are now being joined by none other than Senor Xtremeo!
Senor Xtremeo: Let me tell you something Jeeeeeeem. When the call for aid goes out, when the beacons are lit. Gonder calls for Aid, and the Xtreme one answers it. You see, you got yourself the meanest, the vilest, the most cunning and EVIL man in the world, the great Lord Dominicus, and you’ve got the human wrecking ball. These Domini-FAKES don’t stand a chance. No matter how many prayers they eat, or how many vitamins they say!
Slim Jim: Don’t you mean-
Senor Xtremeo: I KNOW WHAT I MEAN GENE!
Slim Jim: Ugh, I’m not-
Senor Xtremeo: Don’t interrupt me when I’m doing my word association! You got yourself the powers over here. The MIGHT of InFamous - undefeated going up against *CENSORED* and Zelda….wait, what?
Slim Jim: What?
Senor Xtremeo: I can’t say **CENSORED**?
Slim Jim: Of course not!
Senor Xtremeo: Son of a bitch! Fuck you **CENSORED**! I’m going to tear you a new one! Don’t think you can hide behind the superior wrestling talent of Zelda Knite, because you’ve got yourself a date with destiny my man. A date with fate, and when you have THE Lord Dominicus, and THE Senor Xtremeo bearing down on you, when the MADNESS RUNS WILD.
{Lean in.}
Senor Xtremeo: Whatchu gonna do?
[commercial break.]
{ We cut back to the eighties setting with Lord Dominicus and Senior Xtremo together and Slim Jim just off to the side. }
Slim Jim: I’ve got to say it’s amazing to see you two back together but let me ask you both this. Do you feel at a disadvantage on what some would say is an uneven playing field?
Lord Dominicus: Let me tell ya something, brother! All my life has been an uneven playing field! From that time I fought Rocky all the way up until I body slammed Fezzick! I wouldn’t even step into the ring if it was an even playing field, dude! And neither would my brother in arms, Senior Xtremo! As the self proclaimed faces of this contest it is our duty to find from underneath! To hulk up, flex these muscles and wag our fingers in their imposter faces! Then when we hit the double big boot followed by the double atomic leg drop and take this thing home! The wrestling universe will know that InFomania will never stop running wild!
Senior Xtremeo: OOOHHHH YEEEEEEEAAAAHHHHH! You’ve got the MEGA POWERS staring you down, you know you can’t stand against this. Uneven? Ain’t even a question. See, there ain’t no power in the verse can stop THE Lord Dominicus and Senor Xtremeo from running wild all over you, and when the dust settles, when the drama ends, you know the cream ALWAYS rises to the top!
~~~
“Honestly…..I don’t know where to start.”
{Still trying to accept it I guess.}
“I’ve been around for a long time, and I’ve had many people come in and out of my life. Sometimes it’s nobody's fault, it just happens, it’s life. Sometimes someone is to blame. Often, it has been me. Running my mouth, letting my ego get the better of me, or sometimes…”
{It hasn’t been easy.}
“Sometimes, people get hurt. Now, not that long ago I made some mistakes that ended up hurting more people than I’d ever realise. Not through malice, not through intent, but through selfishness. I lost friendships that spanned decades, and I lost my love for wrestling.”
{Until I ended up back here.}
“I came back to the XHF, with my tail between my legs, and my ego well and truly stomped to fuck. I slowly rebuilt myself, and by pure fluke I had the absolute time of my life riding with the BANG! Bros, and none of it would have happened without Steve.”
{Fuck.}
“See, way back in the ‘good old days’ I met Steve right here in XHF, and since then we have been in each others orbit. Every federation I went to, Steve came too. We showed up in nCw and we helped become founding pillars of that federation. We helped carry it on our backs, and it flourished. Even in nCw, I made mistakes, I was villainised for certain things - some rightfully so, others, I don’t believe so…..but the olive branch was extended when nCw was closing it’s doors, and it meant the world to me to be able to play a part in the ending of a federation I poured so much of my heart and soul into…..”
{I guess there’s no point in holding anything back.}
“...y’all know I had major heart surgery while I was the nCw World Champion? Y’all know they never demanded I relinquish the belt, or hand it off to an interim champion? Do you know how much things like that mean to people? Knowing that someone has your back? I’ve been fortunate, I suppose, to have several people tell me that over the years. It wasn’t always truth, it seems, the wrestling business really is full of snakes and sharks, but that being said. Do you know who did have my back for over 20 years?”
{God dammit, the eyes are watering.}
“You guessed it. Steve. For 20 odd years, not a week has gone by where I haven’t spoken to Steve in some way shape or form. Be it spitballing ideas, trying to help direct his absolutely incredible ideas, shooting a meme or two, or just checking in on each other. When I lost everything, when I lost everyone that mattered to me in this business, when I lost a piece of myself. Steve was still there. Steve still had my back, and don’t think we didn’t call each other on our bullshit because we always did. He really was a true friend, and by the looks of this show we’ve got going on, I most certainly was not the only one to feel that way.”
{I keep expecting a new BANG! Bros idea to come sliding into my DM’s….}
“The news hit me like a freight train, and I didn’t really know what to do. I stared at the screen, and cried. I don’t know for how long, but it was a while…..I was just stunned. I still am. I find it so hard to imagine this world without you Steve, and it just feels less brighter. Your unique outlook on life, as well as your humour. The crazy hills you decide to fight for, always took people by surprise, but I guess, maybe we should explain a little.”
{Dry your eyes mate.}
“Before we were BANG! Bros, we were InFamous. Before we were InFamous we were Overdrive. Before we were Overdrive, we were the Empire. Since those doors to XHF closed, my career and Steve’s career have been entwined. You ever have a bogey opponent that you just cannot beat? Cause I did, for nearly 20 years. I’d never beat Steve one on one, and he had a way of reminding you without coming off as a prick. I finally did get that victory in IWF during my little monster heel retirement tour.
Then came the big one.
I won the X*Crown while in FIRESIDE - before it all fell to shit, I got one defence. One match against one of my absolute best friends in the world - and he tore me a fucking new one. Like, ripped me to shreds, absolutely annihilated me in his promo.”
{It kinda hurt.}
“”But it wasn’t like that. We were Bros, and we knew how to tell a good story. Just look at Steve’s wealth of opponents, accomplishments, and memories. Everyone has a good memory of Steve, and if that isn’t the kind of legacy we’d all like to leave behind, I don’t know what is.”
{You know the meme about the real endgame.}
“So now I’m left here thinking, how can I go on without Steve being there? How does this story continue without one of it’s greatest characters? I don’t know yet, I’m still figuring things out, but I know one thing for sure. If Steve could see what we’re doing with this show, really truly opening the gates to anyone to come and perform in respect of those we’ve lost? Fuck man, I think he’d be happy. I think he’d be proud. XHF, nCw, and IWF all in one match. That is the core of Steve Awesome’s career, and most of ours who have been in those places. I think he’d be proud that we can all put our petty differences aside to honour him in the way he would have wanted.”
{Ridiculous wrestling matches of course.}
“So, from me, I welcome absolutely -anyone- who wants to pay their respects, but me?
I get to team with my best friend who I haven’t spoken to in years, a friend I was so close to and who meant so much to me that I named my daughter after his. I get to go up against two of the greatest characters I’ve seen in this game, and two people who stuck by me when nobody else would. Two people I also did dirty in some way, shape, or form, but gave me the chance to redeem myself. So with that in mind, I think it’s time I stop moping.
We’re going to put on one of the best shows the XHF Network has ever seen, and we’re going to do it with the love for our friend in our hearts, because at the end of the day. Steve is the one who brought us all together, so let’s go out there and make him proud.”
{Deep breath, you know you forgot things, but you’ve said what you could.}
“I love you Steve.
We love you.
Deuces”
”I… Uh… I don’t really know how to start this.”
{ This sucks. }
”I guess a little intro for those who don’t know who I am?”
{ I shrug, what else can I do. }
”Obviously my name is Rob Diamond, ya’ll saw that on the link you clicked to view this. I hail from a long forgotten land called New Championship Wrestling. That’s where I met the man we all know and love, the man known as Steve Awesome.”
{ This really sucks. }
”I couldn’t tell you exactly where, when or how Steve and I met. I just know that we were both pretty immature assholes who just hit it off. We both had the same crude sense of humor, we both absolutely loved getting under people’s skin. It was literally like our hobby to be as irritating as humanly possible, to a fault sometimes. But we went from perfect stranger to pretty inseparable in the blink of an eye.”
{ I wish I could remember all the details. }
”And from that point forward we did a whole hell of a lot together. We continued InFamous after one of Spike’s retirements, we held the NCW World Title back to back, of course he took it from me and it stung at the time but in hindsight it was an honor. We were like a power couple back in those days. Of course all good things come to an end and NCW went away.”
{ I’m glad I could be there at the end to enjoy that final show with my friends. }
”Eventually we both found our way over to IWF, I know, I know, those are dirty initials here but whatever. And we rekindled our passionate little bromance like nothing had changed. Of course we were both a little older, a little wiser, avoiding cancel culture at every turn but we went on the single best run of my career. I hope Steve felt the same way. We started Being InFamous along with James Gilmore. We held all the men’s titles in IWF, we won feud of the year, hero of the year, we won everything you could possible win. It was incredible. I honestly wish I could rewind the clock to 2019 and do it all again.”
{ Probably more than James wants to. }
”But you all know how things go. One minute you’re best friends with someone and the next one of you says something stupid and whole thing goes off that never should. Well one of us said something stupid. I don’t know, it was probably me. It’s usually me. And instead of remembering how much I cared about Steve I knuckled down and refused to speak to him until he spoke to me.”
{ I’m trying to hold back tears. }
”What a stupid fucking decision that was.”
{ Unsuccessfully. }
”For about the last year I waited for him to be the bigger man and shoot me a message, something really classy like-”
“You still big mad, bro?”
“And it never came. I know it wasn’t stubbornness on his part like it was on mine. Steve was a fucking super kind dude behind the persona. He cared about everyone like they were family. We probably all felt like we were his single most best friend because he treated us all that way. As much as it sucks for me to feel this way, he probably didn’t message me because I hurt him. I shit on an incredible friendship over something as stupid as professional wrestling.”
{ It sounds stupid saying it too. }
”I could’ve messaged him at anytime. I know he would have responded. I know we would have gone right back to where we left off like nothing happened. I know I could’ve had that friendship back and Steve in my life whether we were in the same company or not. And for as long as I live I will always regret not sending that text.”
{ It haunts me. }
”But Steve, I know you’re out there, probably sitting in a hot tub with Marilyn Monroe and Judy Garland making Jesus as uncomfortable as humanly possible. I know you’re listening to me blabber on like a baby with tears in my eye and just thinking-”
“It’s cool, dude.”
“At least, that’s what I hope you’re thinking.”
{ Fuck. }
”But for what it’s worth, Steve. I’m truly sorry. I’m sorry I let ego get in the way of our friendship. I’m sorry I let wrestling get in the way of our friendship. I’m just real fucking sorry and I hope to god that you’ve forgiven me in the afterlife. You were a truly amazing dude who had a whole hell of a lot more to give to this world. You were just getting started, the band wasn’t even tuned up yet. But I know you’re hitting the music wherever you are.”
“I love you, brother.”
“I miss you.”
{ And now the tears. }
”Before we move onto something a little more light hearted, something Steve would hopefully enjoy I just want to address some of the people here in the XHF who I’ve crossed paths with before.”
{ Too many to name. }
”Whatever I did to sour your opinion of me, whatever I said, whatever happened that created a gulf between us, I am sorry. I do truly miss all the friendships I’ve lost along the way. It seems the older I get the pool of people I enjoy this life with gets ever smaller. I can count on one hand the number of people in wrestling who are my friends. I don’t know if that’s all my fault or not and I don’t care.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss shooting the shit. I miss hanging out. I miss just sending random funny memes. I miss the friendships I used to have and the community I was surrounded by. There are so many faces here in XHF that I feel written off by and I honestly can’t remember what happened anymore. My mind doesn’t exactly work like that. I try not to hold grudges or keep hate in my heart. So again, to any of you who used to call me a friend, I am sorry. And if you ever want to get back in touch with me? Please do. I would welcome it.”
{ Honestly. }
”Now with that being said we’ve got a memorial show to put on. A show I am absolutely honored to be a part of. I thank the people in charge for accepting me into their community if even for one night only. But, Steve wouldn’t want us to sit around being sad and talking about our regrets. Honestly? He’d probably cut a shoot promo on me for everything I said and make me look like a total baby.”
“And it would be epic.”
“So for one night only, let’s put the sadness behind us. Let’s forget about how much we miss him. Let’s go out there and put on the craziest most bat shit insane professional wrestling show the world has ever seen, because that’s what Steve would want! Let’s break out the light tubes and the dildos and the barbed wire and celebrate this man’s life in style! Let’s memorialize him in the way he would have wanted!”
{ The tiniest of smirks. }
”With a bunch of grown ass men and potentially some women in essentially their underwear trying to pin each other’s shoulders to a mat!”
{ Reverse peace sign up. }
”Deuces.”
~~
{ Come one, come all, and witness magic! I Introduce to you,THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME! THE ONE! THE ONLY! THE SULTAN OF SWAT! THE ILLUSTRIOUS! THE EXTRAVAGANT! THE ONE AND ONLY INFAMOUS ONE HIMSELF!
Me.
No I know, I know. This isn’t exactly the intro you people are used to over here in these parts but back where we come from? We narrate our own intros until we get distracted by something really shiny or sexy or just general drama and then we revert to a voice with no face describing to you the things that you are seeing on your screen.
As for what you are seeing right now? Nothing. Pretty interesting, right? WRONG! Because nothing is not what we are here to witness today! Nothing is the exact opposite of what we are about to witness. Because right here, right now, in a few short minutes so not technically right now, actually about five to ten minutes so in the near future we are going to witness a sight we haven’t seen since at least 2019…
Or was it 18?
I DON’T REMEMBER! Remembering things is Ace’s job, not mine. I just make shit up until it makes sense or doesn’t or someone gets really mad at me and tells me what the history actually is.
EITHER WAY!
It’s time for our scene to begin. For those of you who don’t know, Spike Kane died in an IWF ring of heart failure a while back…
AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT WE WERE TOLD!
And in the aftermath it was me, Rob Diamond who inherited literally everything he left behind, yes, even his ex wives and I’m pretty sure I have sole custody of Warren but who the fuck wants that kid?
Even Spike abandoned him.
But it is with that knowledge nuggy I take you to our scene. The former Spike Kane estate which is now dubbed the Kane-Diamond estate. Why? Well, a really long story short, I couldn’t deal with the death of Spike Kane so I got together with the council of Rob’s as well as Steve Awesome and James Gilmore and travelled through space and time until I found an alternate Earth Spike who was exactly like mine.
Turned out she was a woman and we fell in love.
I gave birth to our child a couple of years ago and we’ve been living in this estate ever since.
So we pan around the estate, showing you everything from the lovely statues to the hedge maze that definitely wasn’t there yesterday until we fade into the inside of the house. There has to be a better way to phrase that sentence,
Anyway! It’s from inside the estate that our scene really begins. It’s a totally regular day in the Kane-Diamond home. The kids are at their alternate Earth grandparents and Mama Kane (That’s what we call her) is in the middle of pegging me.
Just a normal Saturday. }
?: AHEM!
{ That is of course until we are interrupted by a man in a suspiciously familiar looking suit. If I didn’t know any better I would say it’s famous actor Luke Wilson but I do know better and our budget isn’t that big so it’s possibly a lesser known Baldwin. }
?: Rob Diamond:
Rob: Si?
{ I say as Mama gently removes herself from my backside. }
?: My name Morpheus.
Rob: The living vampire?
Morpheus: No.
Rob: Furious Styles from Boys n da Hood?
Morpheus: NO YOU MORON! You’ve never met before. I’m an agent for the Wrestling Variance Authority. There has been a disturbance.
Rob: In the force?
Mama Kane: I’m going to go make myself a sammich.
{ For some reason the white Larry Fisburne rubs the bridge of his nose. }
Morpheus: This crossover is already infuriating.
{ I throw on a thong to protect my manhood from the ever present camera. }
Morpheus: Look, you irritating little shit with no friends.
Rob: HEY! I’m super tight with Roberto Verona!
Morpheus: Explains that world title reign.
Rob: Words hurt, asshat.
Morpheus: LOOK! There’s shit going down in the greater wrestling universe and for some reason only you can help save it.
Rob: Sounds like I need to break out my greatest alter ego.
Morpheus: Why?
Rob: Because that’s what it says in the script. TO THE D CAVE!
[Commercial Break.]
Me.
No I know, I know. This isn’t exactly the intro you people are used to over here in these parts but back where we come from? We narrate our own intros until we get distracted by something really shiny or sexy or just general drama and then we revert to a voice with no face describing to you the things that you are seeing on your screen.
As for what you are seeing right now? Nothing. Pretty interesting, right? WRONG! Because nothing is not what we are here to witness today! Nothing is the exact opposite of what we are about to witness. Because right here, right now, in a few short minutes so not technically right now, actually about five to ten minutes so in the near future we are going to witness a sight we haven’t seen since at least 2019…
Or was it 18?
I DON’T REMEMBER! Remembering things is Ace’s job, not mine. I just make shit up until it makes sense or doesn’t or someone gets really mad at me and tells me what the history actually is.
EITHER WAY!
It’s time for our scene to begin. For those of you who don’t know, Spike Kane died in an IWF ring of heart failure a while back…
AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT WE WERE TOLD!
And in the aftermath it was me, Rob Diamond who inherited literally everything he left behind, yes, even his ex wives and I’m pretty sure I have sole custody of Warren but who the fuck wants that kid?
Even Spike abandoned him.
But it is with that knowledge nuggy I take you to our scene. The former Spike Kane estate which is now dubbed the Kane-Diamond estate. Why? Well, a really long story short, I couldn’t deal with the death of Spike Kane so I got together with the council of Rob’s as well as Steve Awesome and James Gilmore and travelled through space and time until I found an alternate Earth Spike who was exactly like mine.
Turned out she was a woman and we fell in love.
I gave birth to our child a couple of years ago and we’ve been living in this estate ever since.
So we pan around the estate, showing you everything from the lovely statues to the hedge maze that definitely wasn’t there yesterday until we fade into the inside of the house. There has to be a better way to phrase that sentence,
Anyway! It’s from inside the estate that our scene really begins. It’s a totally regular day in the Kane-Diamond home. The kids are at their alternate Earth grandparents and Mama Kane (That’s what we call her) is in the middle of pegging me.
Just a normal Saturday. }
?: AHEM!
{ That is of course until we are interrupted by a man in a suspiciously familiar looking suit. If I didn’t know any better I would say it’s famous actor Luke Wilson but I do know better and our budget isn’t that big so it’s possibly a lesser known Baldwin. }
?: Rob Diamond:
Rob: Si?
{ I say as Mama gently removes herself from my backside. }
?: My name Morpheus.
Rob: The living vampire?
Morpheus: No.
Rob: Furious Styles from Boys n da Hood?
Morpheus: NO YOU MORON! You’ve never met before. I’m an agent for the Wrestling Variance Authority. There has been a disturbance.
Rob: In the force?
Mama Kane: I’m going to go make myself a sammich.
{ For some reason the white Larry Fisburne rubs the bridge of his nose. }
Morpheus: This crossover is already infuriating.
{ I throw on a thong to protect my manhood from the ever present camera. }
Morpheus: Look, you irritating little shit with no friends.
Rob: HEY! I’m super tight with Roberto Verona!
Morpheus: Explains that world title reign.
Rob: Words hurt, asshat.
Morpheus: LOOK! There’s shit going down in the greater wrestling universe and for some reason only you can help save it.
Rob: Sounds like I need to break out my greatest alter ego.
Morpheus: Why?
Rob: Because that’s what it says in the script. TO THE D CAVE!
[Commercial Break.]
{ After the break we cut to a very 80’s looking wrestling promo set complete with a nondescript promotional banner and a short bald man with a microphone. }
?: My name is Slim Jim Johnson and joining me today is LORD DOMINICUS!!!
{ Pull back to reveal the ORIGINAL LORD DOMINICUS! }
Lord Dominicus: What’s up Slim Jim!?
{ Flexy arms. }
Slim Jim: Now Lord Dominicus, this coming weekend you will be stepping into the ring with perhaps your greatest rivals. How does that make you feel?
Lord Dominmicus: I’m a be real honest with you Slim Jim brother. It doesn’t make me feel good. Faux Dominicus and his gender transitioned friend have been riding my coat tails for too long, dude. And this coming weekend when we step in the ring two on two in front of the greatest crowd in the multiverse they’re gonna be in for a rude awakening, brother!
Slim jim: Those are some strong words, LD but this is a tag team match and you don’t seem to have a partner.
Lord Dominicus: That’s where you’re wrong, Slim Jim. Not only do I have a partner, brother, I’ve got the greatest partner this side of the slip stream! The man who will be standing shoulder to shoulder with me and dishing out equal helpings of butt beatings is by far one of the most dangerous men I’ve ever known, dude.
Slim Jim: Really and when will you introduce him?
Lord Dominicus: Well that’s the thing Slim Jim, I need to pad this portion of the pomo out a little longer dude. We haven’t exactly hit our allotted time yet, brother. So let me just say this to those two wannabe Dominicus jabronis! We go way back, back further than most people know about! But all of that is dust in the wind, dudes. Because you made the biggest mistake anyone can make, brother. You took the joke too far! And that’s why I’m crossing over into enemy territory to take back what rightfully belongs to me, brother! There is one and only Lord Domincius and you’re looking at him!
{ Big time flex. }
Lord Dominicus: So take your vitamins! Say your prayers to whichever entity you do believe in and if you’re not a believer then pray to Angel because he’s always listening! This weekend when you step into the ring with the two man tag team dream! We are gonna run WILD over your monkey loving butts!
[Commercial break.]
What is up fucknuggets?
Oh yeah, you’re probably used to me making some kind of idle threats, or boasting about all my nicknames, so we better get that out of the way first, huh? They know me as; The God of Xtreme, The God of Steel, The Pillar of Violence, The Blood God!
Spike, motherfucking, Kane.
Yeah, you can also call me your X*Crown champion bitches.
I suppose I should get to the scene, right? I mean, can’t be expecting people to know what is going on, so we’ll get there, but we need to address the fact that the worlds of XHF, nCw, and IWF are going to collide. You see, in the early days, Rob and I were enemies. Social Enemies some might even say, but in IWF we became InFamous. So much so that we fucking murdered the tag team division, and then had to carry the world title division, as well as the federation on our backs.
It’s ok, it happens.
I’m fucking used to it by now.
I digress, see, since Spike came back from hell, he hasn’t been able to make contact with those he thought loved him. The Devil had some sneaky bastard deal where if he did, he would take them. Happened to Atreyu, go check out my old promos if you don’t believe me. So Spike tried to move on, knowing that everyone he once thought cared about him, now hated him. He moved to Ireland while wrestling in the UK, and set up a marijuana farm with his tag team partner in Chaos Theory (also new champs, represent) and the two of them hang there in between tours and bookings. That is where we take you now as Spike Kane sits on the porch of the house on the farm, joint in hand, staring off into the distance.
{Am I too high right now?.}
?: Jeez that stuff stinks.
{Ooooh disembodied voice. No wait, there’s a dude in a suit standing on the drive staring up at me. He looks oddly familiar, I’d say Alan Tudyk, but we’ve already covered our budget issues. Probably Anthony Rapp.}
?: Ahem.
{I hear him but I’m too busy listening to a sudden rush of noise coming from inside this lovely but spacious farmhouse.}
?: Spike, erm, Spike Kane?
{I realise what the noise was as the other half of Chaos Theory, PRICE comes storming out the door with an actual shotgun aimed at suit guy.}
PRICE: The fuck you want!?
{Oh shit that’s a real gun.}
?: Oh sweet Josephine, I’m looking for Spike Kane!
PRICE: Why!?
{I slowly put my joint down and stand up, better save this dude before PRICE blows his head off.}
Spike: You found him.
{Oh yeah, cross the arms, stand on the top of the porch behind PRICE with the gun, so manly.}
?: I-I-I um, I’m from the Wrestling Variance A-A-Authority.
Spike: The fuck is that?
?: P-p-please, put the g-g-g-
{Oh shit, this dude just spins around and disarms PRICE, and now PRICE isn’t moving, what the shit?}
Spike: What the shit!?
?: It’s ok, he’ll be fine. I’ve just frozen him in time for half an hour. Mr Kane, my name is Howard Duck, and I need you to come with me.
Spike: Howard……the Duck?
Howard: No ‘the’ just Howard, or Agent Duck.
{Agent suck my-}
Howard: The great wrestling universe is in danger, and….a friend needs your help.
{What friend? Oooh, a box?}
Spike: I don’t really have many fri-
{I stop mid-sentence as I open the box to reveal something I haven’t seen in some time.}
Howard: I, er, well the person who sent that is a little….
Spike: Eccentric?
Howard: Not really what I was going for?
Spike: Intense?
Howard: I mean, sure…what do you even need a mask for?
{I slowly pull the mask over my face.}
Senor Xtremeo: Because this note here says the script demands it.
Howard: The what? Hey, how’d your name change? Wait, how did I know that?
Senor Xtremeo: Not now Howard the not Duck. Lord Dominicus is in trouble, and it’s time for his trusty sideki-
{Wait, what the fuck am I saying?}
Senor Xtremeo: Trusty sideki-
{You son a bitch with your damn script!}
Senor Xtremeo: TRUSTY SIDEKICK TO KICK SOME ASS!
{I grab Howard by the scruff of his neck.}
Senor Xtremeo: Tell me where he is.
{He does, and I do my thang, and open up a nice little hell portal to take me there.}
Oh yeah, you’re probably used to me making some kind of idle threats, or boasting about all my nicknames, so we better get that out of the way first, huh? They know me as; The God of Xtreme, The God of Steel, The Pillar of Violence, The Blood God!
Spike, motherfucking, Kane.
Yeah, you can also call me your X*Crown champion bitches.
I suppose I should get to the scene, right? I mean, can’t be expecting people to know what is going on, so we’ll get there, but we need to address the fact that the worlds of XHF, nCw, and IWF are going to collide. You see, in the early days, Rob and I were enemies. Social Enemies some might even say, but in IWF we became InFamous. So much so that we fucking murdered the tag team division, and then had to carry the world title division, as well as the federation on our backs.
It’s ok, it happens.
I’m fucking used to it by now.
I digress, see, since Spike came back from hell, he hasn’t been able to make contact with those he thought loved him. The Devil had some sneaky bastard deal where if he did, he would take them. Happened to Atreyu, go check out my old promos if you don’t believe me. So Spike tried to move on, knowing that everyone he once thought cared about him, now hated him. He moved to Ireland while wrestling in the UK, and set up a marijuana farm with his tag team partner in Chaos Theory (also new champs, represent) and the two of them hang there in between tours and bookings. That is where we take you now as Spike Kane sits on the porch of the house on the farm, joint in hand, staring off into the distance.
{Am I too high right now?.}
?: Jeez that stuff stinks.
{Ooooh disembodied voice. No wait, there’s a dude in a suit standing on the drive staring up at me. He looks oddly familiar, I’d say Alan Tudyk, but we’ve already covered our budget issues. Probably Anthony Rapp.}
?: Ahem.
{I hear him but I’m too busy listening to a sudden rush of noise coming from inside this lovely but spacious farmhouse.}
?: Spike, erm, Spike Kane?
{I realise what the noise was as the other half of Chaos Theory, PRICE comes storming out the door with an actual shotgun aimed at suit guy.}
PRICE: The fuck you want!?
{Oh shit that’s a real gun.}
?: Oh sweet Josephine, I’m looking for Spike Kane!
PRICE: Why!?
{I slowly put my joint down and stand up, better save this dude before PRICE blows his head off.}
Spike: You found him.
{Oh yeah, cross the arms, stand on the top of the porch behind PRICE with the gun, so manly.}
?: I-I-I um, I’m from the Wrestling Variance A-A-Authority.
Spike: The fuck is that?
?: P-p-please, put the g-g-g-
{Oh shit, this dude just spins around and disarms PRICE, and now PRICE isn’t moving, what the shit?}
Spike: What the shit!?
?: It’s ok, he’ll be fine. I’ve just frozen him in time for half an hour. Mr Kane, my name is Howard Duck, and I need you to come with me.
Spike: Howard……the Duck?
Howard: No ‘the’ just Howard, or Agent Duck.
{Agent suck my-}
Howard: The great wrestling universe is in danger, and….a friend needs your help.
{What friend? Oooh, a box?}
Spike: I don’t really have many fri-
{I stop mid-sentence as I open the box to reveal something I haven’t seen in some time.}
Howard: I, er, well the person who sent that is a little….
Spike: Eccentric?
Howard: Not really what I was going for?
Spike: Intense?
Howard: I mean, sure…what do you even need a mask for?
{I slowly pull the mask over my face.}
Senor Xtremeo: Because this note here says the script demands it.
Howard: The what? Hey, how’d your name change? Wait, how did I know that?
Senor Xtremeo: Not now Howard the not Duck. Lord Dominicus is in trouble, and it’s time for his trusty sideki-
{Wait, what the fuck am I saying?}
Senor Xtremeo: Trusty sideki-
{You son a bitch with your damn script!}
Senor Xtremeo: TRUSTY SIDEKICK TO KICK SOME ASS!
{I grab Howard by the scruff of his neck.}
Senor Xtremeo: Tell me where he is.
{He does, and I do my thang, and open up a nice little hell portal to take me there.}
[commercial break]
{ After the break we cut to the 80’s looking wrestling promo set complete with a nondescript promotional banner the short bald man seemingly in mid-interview with Lord Dominicus}
“OOOOOOOOHHHHH YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!”
Slim Jim: My word, it appears we are now being joined by none other than Senor Xtremeo!
Senor Xtremeo: Let me tell you something Jeeeeeeem. When the call for aid goes out, when the beacons are lit. Gonder calls for Aid, and the Xtreme one answers it. You see, you got yourself the meanest, the vilest, the most cunning and EVIL man in the world, the great Lord Dominicus, and you’ve got the human wrecking ball. These Domini-FAKES don’t stand a chance. No matter how many prayers they eat, or how many vitamins they say!
Slim Jim: Don’t you mean-
Senor Xtremeo: I KNOW WHAT I MEAN GENE!
Slim Jim: Ugh, I’m not-
Senor Xtremeo: Don’t interrupt me when I’m doing my word association! You got yourself the powers over here. The MIGHT of InFamous - undefeated going up against *CENSORED* and Zelda….wait, what?
Slim Jim: What?
Senor Xtremeo: I can’t say **CENSORED**?
Slim Jim: Of course not!
Senor Xtremeo: Son of a bitch! Fuck you **CENSORED**! I’m going to tear you a new one! Don’t think you can hide behind the superior wrestling talent of Zelda Knite, because you’ve got yourself a date with destiny my man. A date with fate, and when you have THE Lord Dominicus, and THE Senor Xtremeo bearing down on you, when the MADNESS RUNS WILD.
{Lean in.}
Senor Xtremeo: Whatchu gonna do?
[commercial break.]
{ We come back from the break with me in full Lord Dominicus garb. I’m talking shoulder pads, I’m talking spikes, I’m talking platform boots, I’m talking dominatrix looking belts strapped across my chest and of course I’m wearing the mask. }
Morpheus: I don’t really see the reason for the get up.
Lord Dominicus: Don’t question the madness.
Morpheus: I fear this was a mistake.
Lord Dominicus: The only mistake was not calling me sooner! Now what is the crisis!?
Morpheus: Well it’s a matter of multi promotional chaos but first we need you to meet your partner for this mission. Some would say he’s your sidekick.
Lord Dominicus: Strange, I don't remember owning a sidekick.
{ Cue a Doctor Strange looking portal that Morpehus leads me through. We come out the other side to what appears to be the volume they use to film the Mandalorian but the background looks like something from that TV show with the guy who wears green and the horns. I can’t think of his name. One of the less popular Marvel characters. }
Morpheus: Welcome to the Wrestling Variance Authority.
Lord Dominicus: Looks expensive, thank Angel for the volume.
Morpheus: Seriously.
{ We mock like we’re walking but it’s just the volume background changing behind us but damn does it look awesome. Not at all like this was entirely shot on a very small sound stage. We reach a big Star Trek looking door with some Alan Tudyk looking motherfucker standing in front of it. }
Morpheus: Howard, is he ready?
Howard: As ready as he’s ever going to be.
Morpheus: Rob- er, Lord Dominicus, meet your partner.
{ The doors swoosh open and it’s… }
Lord Dominicus: SPIKE!?
Senior Xtremeo: ROB!?
[Commercial break]
Morpheus: I don’t really see the reason for the get up.
Lord Dominicus: Don’t question the madness.
Morpheus: I fear this was a mistake.
Lord Dominicus: The only mistake was not calling me sooner! Now what is the crisis!?
Morpheus: Well it’s a matter of multi promotional chaos but first we need you to meet your partner for this mission. Some would say he’s your sidekick.
Lord Dominicus: Strange, I don't remember owning a sidekick.
{ Cue a Doctor Strange looking portal that Morpehus leads me through. We come out the other side to what appears to be the volume they use to film the Mandalorian but the background looks like something from that TV show with the guy who wears green and the horns. I can’t think of his name. One of the less popular Marvel characters. }
Morpheus: Welcome to the Wrestling Variance Authority.
Lord Dominicus: Looks expensive, thank Angel for the volume.
Morpheus: Seriously.
{ We mock like we’re walking but it’s just the volume background changing behind us but damn does it look awesome. Not at all like this was entirely shot on a very small sound stage. We reach a big Star Trek looking door with some Alan Tudyk looking motherfucker standing in front of it. }
Morpheus: Howard, is he ready?
Howard: As ready as he’s ever going to be.
Morpheus: Rob- er, Lord Dominicus, meet your partner.
{ The doors swoosh open and it’s… }
Lord Dominicus: SPIKE!?
Senior Xtremeo: ROB!?
[Commercial break]
{ We cut back to the eighties setting with Lord Dominicus and Senior Xtremo together and Slim Jim just off to the side. }
Slim Jim: I’ve got to say it’s amazing to see you two back together but let me ask you both this. Do you feel at a disadvantage on what some would say is an uneven playing field?
Lord Dominicus: Let me tell ya something, brother! All my life has been an uneven playing field! From that time I fought Rocky all the way up until I body slammed Fezzick! I wouldn’t even step into the ring if it was an even playing field, dude! And neither would my brother in arms, Senior Xtremo! As the self proclaimed faces of this contest it is our duty to find from underneath! To hulk up, flex these muscles and wag our fingers in their imposter faces! Then when we hit the double big boot followed by the double atomic leg drop and take this thing home! The wrestling universe will know that InFomania will never stop running wild!
Senior Xtremeo: OOOHHHH YEEEEEEEAAAAHHHHH! You’ve got the MEGA POWERS staring you down, you know you can’t stand against this. Uneven? Ain’t even a question. See, there ain’t no power in the verse can stop THE Lord Dominicus and Senor Xtremeo from running wild all over you, and when the dust settles, when the drama ends, you know the cream ALWAYS rises to the top!
Lord Dominicus: SPIKE!?
Senior Xtremeo: ROB!?
{ We just stare lovingly into each other’s eyes for several very long and eventually awkward moments. }
Lord Dominicus: I thought you were dead!?
Senior Xtremeo: I can explain.
{ I run across the volume and leap into Spike’s arms with both legs wrapped around his waist. }
Lord Dominicus: I don’t care! I love you man!
{ Morpheus and Howard both clear their throats. }
Howard: Look, this is all very touching.
Morpheus: But you two have a mission.
{ I hop off Spike. Wait… Should we be co narrating? -Yeah it’s gonna get a little weird now, right?}
Senor Xtremeo: As much as I’m trying to get my head around this, isn’t he going to die now?
{I point to Rob, while I’m over the moon to see him, I don’t want to be the reason he gets sent to hell.}
Morpheus: That’s not a concern, we’re currently outside of what you would call normal time.
Howard: Essentially, external forces have no power here.
Senor Xtremeo: Even Angel?
Howard: Even Angel.
Lord Dominicus: Berto would hate it here, a world where Angel is powerless.
{Hehe.}
Morpheus: The issue is one of Hope.
{Like the warm fuzzy feeling?}
Howard: The person.
Lord Dominicus & Senor Xtremeo: My daughter!?
Howard: Exactly.
{That wasn’t really an answer, was it Rob? Oooh he’s getting out some kind of presentation. I hope it has something shiny in it, I love shiny things. BTW this is me narrating now, not Spike. It is a little weird and hard to follow isn’t it? ANYWAY! Howard and Morpheus stand either side of a mobile projector as they begin showing scenes of Hope Freeman-Hall-Kane slicing and dicing her way through the multiverse.}
Senor Xtremeo: (whispering to LD) Doesn’t she kinda remind you of Zelda right now?
Lord Dominicus: Don’t ever say that name.
{I’ll never forgive Falcon for what he made her do. So, so so many dirty sexy things. }
Howard: Essentially, the spawn of Kane is causing irreparable damage to the Wrestling Multiverse.
Morpheus: Looking for you.
{Is he pointing at me or you?}
Senor Xtremeo: So why don’t you bring her here, like you did us?
Howard: We tried, she dispatched several agents before we lowered ourselves to bring you in.
{This disrespect is making my Heel tendencies itch. Settle, we don’t need anyone losing a finger here. Remember when you cut my finger off? Yeah, sorry about that, looks good though! THANKS! }
Morpheus: She’s been searching for you, and we believe only you can stop this.
Senor Xtremeo: Listen, the last time we saw each other. She wasn’t exactly filling me with any loving feelings, y’know?
{Morpheus throws his controller down on the floor in anger, and I’m a little surprised. You can tell by my “oooh” face.}
Morpheus: This girl has travelled through time, space, and everything in between for you.
Senor Xtremeo: …..your point?
Howard: He’s trying to say she’d destroy the wrestling multiverse for you.
Lord Dominus: That’s some Doctor Who level shit.
{It’s like you know exactly how my brain works - I did marry an alternate Earth version of you. - Speaking of, am I hot? - Dude, you’d fuck you. - Nice!}
Senor Xtremeo: So you know where she is?
Howard: Of course we do.
Senor Xtremeo: So why the fuck are we still fuckcuddling each other? Give your balls a tug and tell me where she is.
Morpheus: I fail to see how that will help.
{Now I’m getting pissed, so I grab him by the neck.}
Senor Xtremeo: Fucking tell me.
{Howard quickly pressed some buttons and one of the screens shows Hope currently traversing some rocky terrain. I let go of Morpheus and turn around, giving a little wink to LD before using my weird ass Doctor Strange hell portals to open one right to where she is.}
Senor Xtremeo: …..Hope?
{She aint too impressed, but then I realise she’s seeing these WVA morons as well as two masked lunatics, so I slowly pull my mask off.}
Hope: DAD!?
{That word, just hearing that word melts everything inside of me. She stumbles through the portal and I close it behind her before grabbing her in the tightest embrace since Rob leaped on me, which admittedly was only moments ago but….
-Nobody hugs you anymore?
-We’re getting off topic..}
Hope: Dad….I’ve been searching everywhere for you. Tomo and Dax were helping, but Dax…
Senor Xtremeo: I know baby, I know….
Hope: Hold up. Is that Rob?
Senor Xtremeo: You ugh….you mean Lord Dominicus right?
Hope: Umm, no Dad….I mean Rob.
{OH wait, it’s the other asshole that nobody knows who they are. Well, we do.}
Lord Dominicus: What up?
Hope: Why are you both dressed like idiots?
Lord Dominicus: So is the multiverse safe?
Howard: Essentially.
Lord Dominicus: Damn, that was easy!
Senior Xtremo: Wanna grab a pint?
Hope: I know the perfect spot in this universe where you’re a lady.
Lord Dominicus: That’s near where I met my wife!
{Suddenly and without explanation, Mama Kane shows up.}
Mama Kane: Are you idiots done?
Senior Xtremo: Damn, I would fuck me.
Lord Dominicus: Told ya.
Morpheus: Would everyone please get the hell off my sound stage!
{ And scene!}
Senior Xtremeo: ROB!?
{ We just stare lovingly into each other’s eyes for several very long and eventually awkward moments. }
Lord Dominicus: I thought you were dead!?
Senior Xtremeo: I can explain.
{ I run across the volume and leap into Spike’s arms with both legs wrapped around his waist. }
Lord Dominicus: I don’t care! I love you man!
{ Morpheus and Howard both clear their throats. }
Howard: Look, this is all very touching.
Morpheus: But you two have a mission.
{ I hop off Spike. Wait… Should we be co narrating? -Yeah it’s gonna get a little weird now, right?}
Senor Xtremeo: As much as I’m trying to get my head around this, isn’t he going to die now?
{I point to Rob, while I’m over the moon to see him, I don’t want to be the reason he gets sent to hell.}
Morpheus: That’s not a concern, we’re currently outside of what you would call normal time.
Howard: Essentially, external forces have no power here.
Senor Xtremeo: Even Angel?
Howard: Even Angel.
Lord Dominicus: Berto would hate it here, a world where Angel is powerless.
{Hehe.}
Morpheus: The issue is one of Hope.
{Like the warm fuzzy feeling?}
Howard: The person.
Lord Dominicus & Senor Xtremeo: My daughter!?
Howard: Exactly.
{That wasn’t really an answer, was it Rob? Oooh he’s getting out some kind of presentation. I hope it has something shiny in it, I love shiny things. BTW this is me narrating now, not Spike. It is a little weird and hard to follow isn’t it? ANYWAY! Howard and Morpheus stand either side of a mobile projector as they begin showing scenes of Hope Freeman-Hall-Kane slicing and dicing her way through the multiverse.}
Senor Xtremeo: (whispering to LD) Doesn’t she kinda remind you of Zelda right now?
Lord Dominicus: Don’t ever say that name.
{I’ll never forgive Falcon for what he made her do. So, so so many dirty sexy things. }
Howard: Essentially, the spawn of Kane is causing irreparable damage to the Wrestling Multiverse.
Morpheus: Looking for you.
{Is he pointing at me or you?}
Senor Xtremeo: So why don’t you bring her here, like you did us?
Howard: We tried, she dispatched several agents before we lowered ourselves to bring you in.
{This disrespect is making my Heel tendencies itch. Settle, we don’t need anyone losing a finger here. Remember when you cut my finger off? Yeah, sorry about that, looks good though! THANKS! }
Morpheus: She’s been searching for you, and we believe only you can stop this.
Senor Xtremeo: Listen, the last time we saw each other. She wasn’t exactly filling me with any loving feelings, y’know?
{Morpheus throws his controller down on the floor in anger, and I’m a little surprised. You can tell by my “oooh” face.}
Morpheus: This girl has travelled through time, space, and everything in between for you.
Senor Xtremeo: …..your point?
Howard: He’s trying to say she’d destroy the wrestling multiverse for you.
Lord Dominus: That’s some Doctor Who level shit.
{It’s like you know exactly how my brain works - I did marry an alternate Earth version of you. - Speaking of, am I hot? - Dude, you’d fuck you. - Nice!}
Senor Xtremeo: So you know where she is?
Howard: Of course we do.
Senor Xtremeo: So why the fuck are we still fuckcuddling each other? Give your balls a tug and tell me where she is.
Morpheus: I fail to see how that will help.
{Now I’m getting pissed, so I grab him by the neck.}
Senor Xtremeo: Fucking tell me.
{Howard quickly pressed some buttons and one of the screens shows Hope currently traversing some rocky terrain. I let go of Morpheus and turn around, giving a little wink to LD before using my weird ass Doctor Strange hell portals to open one right to where she is.}
Senor Xtremeo: …..Hope?
{She aint too impressed, but then I realise she’s seeing these WVA morons as well as two masked lunatics, so I slowly pull my mask off.}
Hope: DAD!?
{That word, just hearing that word melts everything inside of me. She stumbles through the portal and I close it behind her before grabbing her in the tightest embrace since Rob leaped on me, which admittedly was only moments ago but….
-Nobody hugs you anymore?
-We’re getting off topic..}
Hope: Dad….I’ve been searching everywhere for you. Tomo and Dax were helping, but Dax…
Senor Xtremeo: I know baby, I know….
Hope: Hold up. Is that Rob?
Senor Xtremeo: You ugh….you mean Lord Dominicus right?
Hope: Umm, no Dad….I mean Rob.
{OH wait, it’s the other asshole that nobody knows who they are. Well, we do.}
Lord Dominicus: What up?
Hope: Why are you both dressed like idiots?
Lord Dominicus: So is the multiverse safe?
Howard: Essentially.
Lord Dominicus: Damn, that was easy!
Senior Xtremo: Wanna grab a pint?
Hope: I know the perfect spot in this universe where you’re a lady.
Lord Dominicus: That’s near where I met my wife!
{Suddenly and without explanation, Mama Kane shows up.}
Mama Kane: Are you idiots done?
Senior Xtremo: Damn, I would fuck me.
Lord Dominicus: Told ya.
Morpheus: Would everyone please get the hell off my sound stage!
{ And scene!}
~~~
“Honestly…..I don’t know where to start.”
{Still trying to accept it I guess.}
“I’ve been around for a long time, and I’ve had many people come in and out of my life. Sometimes it’s nobody's fault, it just happens, it’s life. Sometimes someone is to blame. Often, it has been me. Running my mouth, letting my ego get the better of me, or sometimes…”
{It hasn’t been easy.}
“Sometimes, people get hurt. Now, not that long ago I made some mistakes that ended up hurting more people than I’d ever realise. Not through malice, not through intent, but through selfishness. I lost friendships that spanned decades, and I lost my love for wrestling.”
{Until I ended up back here.}
“I came back to the XHF, with my tail between my legs, and my ego well and truly stomped to fuck. I slowly rebuilt myself, and by pure fluke I had the absolute time of my life riding with the BANG! Bros, and none of it would have happened without Steve.”
{Fuck.}
“See, way back in the ‘good old days’ I met Steve right here in XHF, and since then we have been in each others orbit. Every federation I went to, Steve came too. We showed up in nCw and we helped become founding pillars of that federation. We helped carry it on our backs, and it flourished. Even in nCw, I made mistakes, I was villainised for certain things - some rightfully so, others, I don’t believe so…..but the olive branch was extended when nCw was closing it’s doors, and it meant the world to me to be able to play a part in the ending of a federation I poured so much of my heart and soul into…..”
{I guess there’s no point in holding anything back.}
“...y’all know I had major heart surgery while I was the nCw World Champion? Y’all know they never demanded I relinquish the belt, or hand it off to an interim champion? Do you know how much things like that mean to people? Knowing that someone has your back? I’ve been fortunate, I suppose, to have several people tell me that over the years. It wasn’t always truth, it seems, the wrestling business really is full of snakes and sharks, but that being said. Do you know who did have my back for over 20 years?”
{God dammit, the eyes are watering.}
“You guessed it. Steve. For 20 odd years, not a week has gone by where I haven’t spoken to Steve in some way shape or form. Be it spitballing ideas, trying to help direct his absolutely incredible ideas, shooting a meme or two, or just checking in on each other. When I lost everything, when I lost everyone that mattered to me in this business, when I lost a piece of myself. Steve was still there. Steve still had my back, and don’t think we didn’t call each other on our bullshit because we always did. He really was a true friend, and by the looks of this show we’ve got going on, I most certainly was not the only one to feel that way.”
{I keep expecting a new BANG! Bros idea to come sliding into my DM’s….}
“The news hit me like a freight train, and I didn’t really know what to do. I stared at the screen, and cried. I don’t know for how long, but it was a while…..I was just stunned. I still am. I find it so hard to imagine this world without you Steve, and it just feels less brighter. Your unique outlook on life, as well as your humour. The crazy hills you decide to fight for, always took people by surprise, but I guess, maybe we should explain a little.”
{Dry your eyes mate.}
“Before we were BANG! Bros, we were InFamous. Before we were InFamous we were Overdrive. Before we were Overdrive, we were the Empire. Since those doors to XHF closed, my career and Steve’s career have been entwined. You ever have a bogey opponent that you just cannot beat? Cause I did, for nearly 20 years. I’d never beat Steve one on one, and he had a way of reminding you without coming off as a prick. I finally did get that victory in IWF during my little monster heel retirement tour.
Then came the big one.
I won the X*Crown while in FIRESIDE - before it all fell to shit, I got one defence. One match against one of my absolute best friends in the world - and he tore me a fucking new one. Like, ripped me to shreds, absolutely annihilated me in his promo.”
{It kinda hurt.}
“”But it wasn’t like that. We were Bros, and we knew how to tell a good story. Just look at Steve’s wealth of opponents, accomplishments, and memories. Everyone has a good memory of Steve, and if that isn’t the kind of legacy we’d all like to leave behind, I don’t know what is.”
{You know the meme about the real endgame.}
“So now I’m left here thinking, how can I go on without Steve being there? How does this story continue without one of it’s greatest characters? I don’t know yet, I’m still figuring things out, but I know one thing for sure. If Steve could see what we’re doing with this show, really truly opening the gates to anyone to come and perform in respect of those we’ve lost? Fuck man, I think he’d be happy. I think he’d be proud. XHF, nCw, and IWF all in one match. That is the core of Steve Awesome’s career, and most of ours who have been in those places. I think he’d be proud that we can all put our petty differences aside to honour him in the way he would have wanted.”
{Ridiculous wrestling matches of course.}
“So, from me, I welcome absolutely -anyone- who wants to pay their respects, but me?
I get to team with my best friend who I haven’t spoken to in years, a friend I was so close to and who meant so much to me that I named my daughter after his. I get to go up against two of the greatest characters I’ve seen in this game, and two people who stuck by me when nobody else would. Two people I also did dirty in some way, shape, or form, but gave me the chance to redeem myself. So with that in mind, I think it’s time I stop moping.
We’re going to put on one of the best shows the XHF Network has ever seen, and we’re going to do it with the love for our friend in our hearts, because at the end of the day. Steve is the one who brought us all together, so let’s go out there and make him proud.”
{Deep breath, you know you forgot things, but you’ve said what you could.}
“I love you Steve.
We love you.
Deuces”
