EDMONDS' TEN BLOWS [CBB #2]
Mar 3, 2024 18:56:06 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Spike Kane, and 3 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on Mar 3, 2024 18:56:06 GMT -5
FADE IN
OVER BLACK
TITLE: SOMETIME LATER
INT. SOMEWHERE IN MOSCOW - DAY
A majestic and regal door is pushed open.
The late winter sunlight catches the set stones encased into the door as it slowly moves, demonstrating its weight.
POV. SHOT
With obvious trepidation, a leg is swung forward onto the marble floor.
The foot is pink and yellow.
Enter BLOBBY.
INT. CATHERINE PALACE - DAY
POV. RAFTERS - BIRD’S EYE
The marble floor is ornate with its decoration, and the white table and chairs in the center of the room are in stark contrast to their setting.
Occupying the seats are BLOBBY and EDMONDS.
They’re not alone. DARK-SUITED MEN hover behind camera crews set up to capture the first audience that EDMONDS has granted with the Network world since last Summer.
POV. GROUND LEVEL
EDMONDS expression is cruel but impassive.
BLOBBY gesticulated to include EDMONDS in his proclamation.
EDMONDS considers the words for a second but no longer.
The moniker is cruelly delivered.
BLOBBY looks wounded.
The RUSSIAN FLAG behind EDMONDS quivers with pride…or a faulty Soviet-era air-conditioning system.
BLOBBY pulls his cell phone out and quickly Googles something.
The PHONE SCREEN shows a Tiveni logo with a man in front of it.
BLOBBY looks shocked.
BLOBBY lets the comment ride.
BLOBBY raises an eye.
BLOBBY looks, almost pleadingly, at EDMONDS.
BLOBBY extends a hand.
BLOBBY shrugs.
BLOBBY nods.
BLOBBY motions his hand as if knowing the kicker is coming.
EDMONDS pauses.
BLOBBY shrugs.
BLOBBY makes a bomb-like explosion gesture with his hands.
BLOBBY isn’t following.
BLOBBY exaggeratedly points to his shoulders, neck and back as the reasons he’s semi-retired.
BEAT
MUSIC CUE:
BLOBBY looks lost.
BLOBBY is hurt.
BLOBBY points off-screen and the camera cuts to two photos side-by-side on a bureau. One shows PUTIN and KANYON, clearly taken during the four-year term he served as President. Next to it is a picture of EDMONDS and PUTIN with EDMONDS sporting a tee that reads ‘BIDEN IS A JABRONI, BUNKER GRANDPA NUMBER ONE!’
BLOBBY rolls his eyes.
EDMONDS pulls out a diary.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: SOMETIME LATER
INT. SOMEWHERE IN MOSCOW - DAY
A majestic and regal door is pushed open.
The late winter sunlight catches the set stones encased into the door as it slowly moves, demonstrating its weight.
VOICE (OS)
So….you decided to grace me with your presence then?
POV. SHOT
With obvious trepidation, a leg is swung forward onto the marble floor.
The foot is pink and yellow.
Enter BLOBBY.
INT. CATHERINE PALACE - DAY
POV. RAFTERS - BIRD’S EYE
The marble floor is ornate with its decoration, and the white table and chairs in the center of the room are in stark contrast to their setting.
Occupying the seats are BLOBBY and EDMONDS.
They’re not alone. DARK-SUITED MEN hover behind camera crews set up to capture the first audience that EDMONDS has granted with the Network world since last Summer.
POV. GROUND LEVEL
NOEL EDMONDS
Go ahead, Blobby. You wanted nothing to do with me, with us since you found ‘fame’ as you call it. Were we not famous enough?
EDMONDS expression is cruel but impassive.
MR BLOBBY
(Pleading)
BLOBBY! BLOB! BLOBBY!!
BLOBBY gesticulated to include EDMONDS in his proclamation.
EDMONDS considers the words for a second but no longer.
NOEL EDMONDS
Save me? Look at yourself on this one. You heard the jibes they used to taunt me with, that I was weak, I was the “Sick Man” from Europe, that they only dealt with me to get to you because that was my value - I held the keys to “MR BLOBBY”...
The moniker is cruelly delivered.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
Now? Now they see the truth, see where the real power lies. You told the world that ‘your neck hurt’ and that you didn’t think you could put yourself through it, but we, the informed, knew what you meant - you didn’t have to do it anymore, always thinking about only you.
BLOBBY looks wounded.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
How can you lose your smile? It’s a rictus! But that’s part of why they love you, Blob, you feed into their lies.
MR BLOBBY
BLOB BLOB BLAR!!!!
NOEL EDMONDS
I didn’t start a war with the Network, they started it back in 2021. Even back then it was evident that I was just the facilitator to get to you, but our goal is to stop the war. I didn’t start this war, this is an attempt to stop it.
MR BLOBBY
Bl?
NOEL EDMONDS
We haven’t achieved our aims yet, the Network needs to be DeMongofied but everyone only sees his attempts to rectify history with inclusion. I know, YOU know, that Mongo doesn’t do things for the good of the sport, this inclusion of other people on this Tribute show isn’t him opening borders…it’s expansionism that we won’t be party to!
The RUSSIAN FLAG behind EDMONDS quivers with pride…or a faulty Soviet-era air-conditioning system.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
You all believe that Mongo has changed? He came to power by being like the cuckoo. Where’s the BDWF Founder now? Can you name him? Of course not! But Mongo’s supporters act like he doesn’t exist yet want to tell us that Musk didn’t found Tesla? Where are their founders?
MR BLOBBY
BLOB…Blob…
BLOBBY pulls his cell phone out and quickly Googles something.
The PHONE SCREEN shows a Tiveni logo with a man in front of it.
MR BLOBBY (CONT'D)
(Thrusting the phone)
BLOB!
NOEL EDMONDS
Generative image, Blob, don’t be such a sucker to the the MSM, they keep you down. Mongo has paid them off to keep his party line but we know the truth, it’s not exactly hidden. Look at his beloved X*Crown, what is it made of?
MR BLOBBY
BLOBAL!
NOEL EDMONDS
NO! Not what it’s made of but what is it comprised of? The belts of Dead Companies! The Network isn’t a collective, it’s a parasite. Did it help out the Diamond Training Facility? No, because that’s now another part of the jewel of the New Mongolian Empire…and that’s it - Mongo has fucked more people than Genghis Khan!
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
What do you care? He made you into some form of magnate to hide his Kleptocratic empire! You’re paraded out to the masses like some success story for aspirational purposes and what’s worse, you believe your own hype!
BLOBBY lets the comment ride.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
Did Mongo and the Network help out Dino Bones? Not a chance because that belt can become part of the X*Crown! Sure, there were all the missing wrestlers and something about dental records but JROK employed terrorists! He didn’t even step in to save GUNS and that, that Blobby could be his worst mistake yet!
BLOBBY raises an eye.
MR BLOBBY
BLOBBY, BLOB, BLOBBY?
NOEL EDMONDS
What would it take to call off this tirade? Nothing, Blobby! It’s too late…unless…
MR BLOBBY
BLOB?
NOEL EDMONDS
The Crinkly Bottom Boys! I’ll put the new-found fame on ice if you come back. I’ll cancel the holiday with Ian Miles Cheong, I’ll tell Jordan B. Peterson I can’t be his partner at Bridge, and I’ll even let Lawrence Fox think I stole his act! But that doesn’t change what I want, Blob! Do you accept?
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
Then it’s settled, WE will face El Bang! Hermanos at their show BUT we’re doing it for entirely anarchic and anti-totalitarian aims, agreed?
BLOBBY shrugs.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
I’ll even take most of the damage, even in my advanced age, I’ll put myself in danger!
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
I won’t spike your food with Sherbert, I won’t take you to sales conferences to tempt you onto methadone-like business cards and I won’t let Elon Musk threaten to fuck with the Network’s broadcast satellites!
BLOBBY motions his hand as if knowing the kicker is coming.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
The fans of Champoon, of Destiny, New Level Wrestling…
MR BLOBBY
BLAW?
EDMONDS pauses.
NOEL EDMONDS
Fuck SWAT!
BLOBBY shrugs.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
We’re going to take what’s precious to him and then WE’RE going to call the shots! We’re going to make sure the world respects us!
MR BLOBBY
BLUS?
NOEL EDMONDS
Me, the disenfranchised, the people that the Network left behind. I’m doing it for the Jabronis, the Squids but mostly, I want the Nukes!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB!!
NOEL EDMONDS
Yeah, the Nukes.
NOEL EDMONDS
The Fergal Nukebuster fan club! They’re big money, Blob, they’ve been waiting for someone to get behind since the AWF got mothballed! Right now, Mongo has a load of Nukes just sitting and waiting to be used and, with this opportunity, it’s the right time to Nuke the Network!
MR BLOBBY
BLUKE?
NOEL EDMONDS
We get Mongo at his own game, Blob, we get him where it hurts the most.
EDMONDS reaches down under the table and produces the GUNS TAG TEAM TILES.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
Dead belts from dead feds!
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
The rule states that it has to be the top belt from the company and can you even name the GUNS Champion? Can anyone? But EVERYONE knows who were the last GUNS tag-team Champions! We can take down their Champion and then show up Mongo for the capitalist pig-dog that he really is!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB? BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!!
NOEL EDMONDS
We can take them, Blob! You’re not going to ruin your legacy coming back, you’re not haggard compared to your prime, you’re not in Jeddah here, you’re in Minnesota. Nothing to be afraid of except…
MR BLOBBY
BLONS!!
NOEL EDMONDS
Yep, Brenda and Brandon Walsh….oh and Fargo superfans. But we can rise above it, Blob! Rise far beyond it! They WANT us to answer the call to face El Bang! Hermanos! WE’RE THE ONLY DRAWS THE NETWORK HAS LEFT!!
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
But, here’s where we get cute, Blob. We WEAPONIZE that commodity! You know that we can take them, we can make them wish that Shitstorm was a Scorsese picture and not a franchise! They’ll wish that Rat Bastard was still the X*Crown Champion and that the last two decades were a fever dream because we’re not just taking down El Bang! Hermanos….we’re taking down Mongo!
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
We beat El Bang! Hermanos but that’s just the opening salvo in what the mega-plan is. We have two belts, two belts means two shots at the X*Crown and that’s where we outflank them! First, you challenge the Champion and make sure you do it outside of Vegas, I heard companies let cowboys wrestle on their shows and I don’t mean ‘I’lll tarmac your drive for four cans of Stella and a copy of Razzle’ cowboys, I mean Billy the Kid idolizing, Kevin Costner cowboys!
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
We’re doing this for the fans’ good. First, you challenge them and if you lose, I’ll challenge them straight after so we catch them out tired. If you win, just remember that you’re retired and the Chinese economy’s failing hard so you might not want to be concussed when you find a new base of operations.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
We’re in an era of the Network where a very real possibility is that Wrestle: UK is the top company soon and that can’t happen. I can forgive them using Kalmin watts, I can forgive them employing some snowflake tag-team to wipe Wesley Crane’s backside but I CANNOT take them seriously when they host shows for the Welsh!!! We’re taking down Kanyon and Combatiente because that’s what they represent now, a dictator who lets the Welsh subscribe to his Network!
MR BLOBBY
BLOBON, BLOB BLOB??
NOEL EDMONDS
Why would Kanyon be my friend? What do we have in common?
MR BLOBBY
BLOB!!
NOEL EDMONDS
He HAD to have that photo taken, he didn’t really want to!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB BLOBON?
NOEL EDMONDS
NO! PUTIN! He meets lots of people in his role, he can’t be responsible if the odd wrong’un slips past his team’s vetting. He shakes hands, he makes conversation but he meets HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE A DAY!
MR BLOBBY
BLOBAG?
NOEL EDMONDS
No! On top of the people sent to the Gulags, Blob, keep up!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB, BLOB! BLOB? BLOBB BLOY BLOBB?
NOEL EDMONDS
We can fly back in a day or two, I’ve got some business to tie up.
MR BLOBBY
BLOB?
EDMONDS pulls out a diary.
NOEL EDMONDS
I’ve got to denounce the HBO version of Chernobyl on Monday morning. That lunchtime, I release a statement about why the Iron Claw is deliberate Western propaganda that uses terminology designed for people to link the cover-ups, bribery and corruption in the Eighties by an evil tyrant in a backwards-thinking geography with the glorious enrichment of the people that the Iron Curtain granted. But on Tuesday evening, we fly back for the match.
MR BLOBBY
BLOB?
NOEL EDMONDS
I don’t care if Mongo doesn’t think this is in the rules of his X*Crown - when we beat the Hermanos, we change the rules of the game!
