Post by Jonnie Valentine on Mar 10, 2024 18:24:18 GMT -5
Open on a rowdy crowd with fans holding up signs that say “Da Mang Has Returned”, “AK-47”, “Marty’s A Piece Of Philth”, “Cruise Will Surf That Gator”, “Welcome Back Roscoe Law!”, “Kilroy Was Robbed”, “Ain’t Very Bright” in AVB’s font, “Tanner Country”, “The Miracle Violence Combination Is Back, Baby”, “Captain Self Righteous”, “The Danimal”, a little girl wearing Black Tiger’s gear holds up a “Black Tiger Cub” sign while another kid holds up a sign that says “Farty Marty”, “RIP Steve Awesome”, “Nowa They Win”, “Tux Sux”, “Little Horse Tribe”, “I Fought The Law And The Law Won”, “Nobody Does It Better”, “Surf’s Up”, “Get Her Mary!”, “The Arizona Assassin”, “Dan’s The Man”, “My Boy Kilroy”, and “The Head Dropping Uncle”. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. fades out to Guillermo O’Bannon ringside with Phil Blauer. Phil is in a full suit but his face is covered in a facial scrub with cucumbers over his eyes. Toulouse the Masseuse is rubbing his shoulders and Worthington, his butler is standing nearby with his nose in the air
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello everyone and welcome to the Desert here in Phoenix, Arizona, where we have an amazing card of Hardkore action tonight! I’m Guillermo O’Bannon and to my right is…
Phillip Blauer: An extremely rich person.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …Phil Blauer. Fans, we have a great main event tonight for you where Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Florida Man will take on…
Phillip Blauer: Ok, alright, fine. I will confirm what the dirt sheets have been saying on the computer phones. Wade Keller can stop going through my garbage, and Dave Meltzer can stop tapping my phone.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dave Meltzer is not listening to your calls, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: (looks at the camera) I can hear you breathing on the other line, Dave. Sometimes I hear the ding of your toaster oven when the hot pockets are done. But it’s all true what he said on his podcast between HelloFresh ads. Dorothy’s last will and testament stated that all of her money go to her elderly, diuretic cat, Gertrude. Did I handle it well? Admittedly, no. That TMZ camera crew caught me at a bad time, and I am sorry for all those that I offended.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Latvians had nothing to do with any of this. You hurt alot of people with your words…
Phillip Blauer: But when I was at my lowest was when tragedy stuck and that blasted golf club fell and landed on poor Gertrude, repeatedly. And with savage force, until she was no longer recognizable.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh no, Phi. You didn’t.
Phillip Blauer: (pretending to be sad) Poor kitty. I miss how she would lose control of her bowels on all my things. I miss how her hair came off in big tufts when you would pet her.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The cat??
Phillip Blauer: Once Gertrude was gone, Dorothy’s money only had one place to go. (double thumbs) This guy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mother of God.
Phillip Blauer: That’s right. Your boy is loaded, by Jove.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well this card is loaded…
Phillip Blauer: Sounds like our play by play guy is loaded too…
Guillermo O’Bannon: THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
Phil and Toulouse the Masseuse flinch backwards. Worthington curls his lip in contempt
Guillermo O’Bannon: (straightens his suit) Sorry, everybody. (takes a sip) Now, as I was saying, this show is main evented by Florida Man, fresh off of stealing the title from Kilroy Evans in that LA Freeway match is putting it on the line against the number one contender, former Hardkore West Coast Simon Cruise.
Phillip Blauer: I paid good money for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, and I expect him to keep it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We also have the ladder match for the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships and…
Phillip Blauer: Ditto.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is ridiculous, why are you buying wrestlers to do stuff you want?
Phillip Blauer: Let me tell you something, while sitting here in this chair with tape on the upholstery, I have taken a lot of guff. Some may even call it malarkey. These meatheads, dripping with baby oil and bad decisions, bully me. Mock my good looks, my breathtaking hair, and my perfect elocution.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one has ever done that.
Phillip Blauer: And Kilroy! Oh, how I loathe that abomination. The mere fact that he was Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion made my skin crawl. I refused to accept that as a reality, so I picked up the phone and paid for whoever it would take to start running things my way around here. The Blauer reality.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I shudder to think what that is.
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the Phoenix crowd pops as “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse shakes his groove thang at the top of the ramp with a supportive Mary Yellowbird at his side.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird has a Hardkore Women’s title match later on this evening against Black Tiger. Joey Little Horse didn’t appreciate the comments Roscoe Law made about his sister-in-law Heather Little Owl.
Phillip Blauer: Look, we all heard the rumors. Heck, they used to call him Rascal Law. The only hold he didn’t have a counter for, was the hold the ladies had on his heart.
Joey Little Horse slaps hands with his adoring crowd as the fan with the “Little Horse Tribe” sign gets in the shot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse knows he can beat Roscoe Law and wants to see if he still has it. He has a sneaking suspicion that Roscoe’s got a lot of ring rust that he can take advantage of.
Yolanda Ando: Joey Little Horse wears a small yellow loin cloth yellow over shorts with Native American gear.
Phillip Blauer: Maybe a little too small. Please, kids are watching this at 1am.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse looking to regain his Hardkore California Championship from Joe Nobody and a win over the legendary Roscoe Law would be a great way to make that happen.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Footprint Center and tonight’s action from Hardkore World!”
The fans cheer
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mary Yellowbird; From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays and pyro hits. Fans hold up signs that say “Welcome Back Roscoe Law!”, and “I Fought The Law And The Law Won” as Roscoe Law walks to the ring. The entrance area is lit by red lights and the JumboTron flashes "LAW" between classic Roscoe Law footage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Pinch me, I think I’m dreaming. Roscoe Law’s last match was nearly 15 years ago on May 25, 2009 when he and Matthew X were in the Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup as Law and Disorder. They defeated Sam Paige and Tric in the first round, Shattered Dreams, “Prime Time” Chris Chambers and Babbatunde “The Boss” Balogun in the second before losing in the third round to Better Than Sex, “Vile” Vince Viper and Spike Nelson after Bobby Nowa interfered, hitting Law with a code breaker known as The Crater Drop to give Better Than Sex the victory.
Phillip Blauer: Babbatunde is fun to say.
Toulouse the Masseuse: Babbatunde. Oui, is fun.
Phillip Blauer: Say it Worthington.
Worthington: (dignified) Babbatunde, sir.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now Roscoe Law has returned, here to the West Coast, the territory where he knew some of the biggest moments of his career. Winning the Hardkore West Coast and Hardkore California Championships.
Yolanda Ando: Roscoe Law has his hair cut short and sports a goatee. He wears long black tights with a fat red stripe down each side. His boots are black with “LAW” printed on them
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Roscoe missed this place dearly and wants to make some magic.
Phillip Blauer: Some of his “magic” burned down the Palm Springs Convention Center.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Acrisure Arena is nicer anyway.
Phillip Blauer: (sniffs) Some of the rats at that place were my best friends. I taught one of them to stand on his hind legs for pretzels. I often wonder if his last thoughts were “Pretzel Poppa? Where are you? I’m frightened.” I’m sorry…
Worthington hands a sniffling Phil a hanky.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Just like Little Horse and this Phoenix crowd, Roscoe Law wants to see if he’s still got it too. He’s got some doubts, and wonders if this was a mistake. In Ontario, he had an impressive outing against Sweet Bone Daddy, but Joey Little Horse is a 20 year veteran and a former Hardkore California Champion. This is a big test, and we’ll see if Roscoe is up to it. the Bad Man from the Badger State
Greg Jin: "His opponent is from Green Bay, Wisconsin; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 248 pounds; The Bad Man From The Badger State...ROSCOE LAW!!!"
The Phoenix fans let out an ear splitting pop as Roscoe waves back at them
Roscoe Law vs. "El Exotico" Joey Little Horse
Little Horse rushes in with some rapid fire blows that catch Law by surprise and Tommy Milligan signals for the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse attempting to take over early and try and take advantage of any ring rust.
Phillip Blauer: “Any” ring rust? At this point Joey Little Horse should be careful he doesn’t catch tetanus by touching him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse hip tosses Law out of the corner.
As Law gets to his feet, Little Horse starts his war dance and catches Law with some tomahawk chops.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse whips Law into the ropes, then catches him with a dropkick on the return.
Little Horse mounts Law and subjects him to some more rapid fire blows. Little Horse stands back up and celebrates
Phillip Blauer: You gotta take time to celebrate.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse climbs up to the top rope and hits Roscoe Law with a leaping chop!
Mary Yellowbird tells Little Horse to climb them again and he does. He waits for Law to get up and turn around
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse comes off the top with then another leaping tomahawk chop! He’s climbing up to the top turnbuckle again!
Phillip Blauer: Joey sticking with what brought him to the dance.
Little Horse gets back to the top rope and lets out a war call as he waits on Law for a third time
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law is ready this time and catches Little Horse, then hits an overhead belly to belly suplex!
The Phoenix crowd roars as Roscoe gets back to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law hits a standing leg drop and makes a cover!
…ONE!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Roscoe Law applies a front face lock and drags Little Horse up to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law hits a textbook suplex on Little Horse.
Joey Little Horse sits up from the impact. Roscoe stands over him, measuring Little Horse
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law then hits an elbow drop to Little Horse’s throat and makes another cover.
…ONE!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Roscoe Law picks Little Horse up by the hair and irish whips him into the corner. Law picks Little Horse up and puts him on the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s looking for the Lawbreaker!
Little Horse realizes this and comes alive with right hooks to Law’s ribs. Law is forced to back out of the corner.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse drops down and hits Law with a forearm smash!
Little Horse goes for another forearm smash, but Law ducks and picks Little Horse up for a back suplex. Little Horse turns and begins punching Law in the head. This forces Law back into the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law loses control and both men topple over the ropes and crash to the outside!
Law pulls himself up against the ring post and shakes his head. Little Horse pulls himself up by using the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse looks for a palm strike, but Law moves out of the way and he hits the ringpost with his hand!
Little Horse clutches at his right hand as Law capitalizes by putting his arm around Joey’s neck and tying up their legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law russian leg sweeps the back of Joey’s head into the guardrail!!
The Footprint Center lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Little Horse’s head ringing off the railing. Law scrambles up and rolls Little Horse back into the ring, then slides in to avoid being counted out by Tommy Milligan. Law makes a cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law improvises and hits a handstand knee strike into Little Horse’s hurting right hand!
Phillip Blauer: That’s his tomahawking hand!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse rolls away, but Law is on him and applies a crossface chicken wing on the mat!
Little Horse groans in pain as he tries to fight his way out of the hold. Roscoe clamps down on his windpipe, while pulling up on Joey’s hammerlocked arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse pulls himself towards the ropes with his hurt right hand, but it’s slow. Little Horse even looks to consider tapping out before shaking his head and finally making it to the ropes!
The audience applauds Little Horse’s tenacity as Tommy Milligan forces him to release the chicken wing crossface. Roscoe irish whips him but Joey Little Horse reverses it and shoots Law into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse catches him with a tiltawhirl suplex!
Joey Little Horse steps out onto the apron and does a war cry, then climbs up to the top turnbuckle
Phillip Blauer: Gadzooks, that is shrill.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse may have taken too much time to get there, and now Roscoe Law steps up to the second turnbuckle.
Roscoe Law punches Joey a few times and then hooks him into a superplex and drops him onto his head with a brainbuster off the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lawbreaker!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays as the Phoenix fans jump to their feet and cheer. Roscoe rolls off of Little Horse with one arm raised
Greg Jin: “At 9 minutes 13 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…ROSCOE LAW!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law has returned after nearly 15 years and shown that yes, he still has it, by defeating the wily Little Horse…
“No Way Out” by Jefferson Starship plays and the audience boos. Anthony Jordan and Bobby Nowa
Phillip Blauer: Why, it’s Nowa Out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What are they doing here?
Jordan and Nowa stay out in the aisle and Jordan produces a house mic
Anthony Jordan: “Welcome back, Roscoe! The great Roscoe Law, why your reputation precedes you. But look at what I have here.”
Jordan points to a snarling Bobby Nowa
Anthony Jordan: “Why, it’s the guy that ended your career 15 years ago.”
Bobby Nowa leans into the microphone
Bobby Nowa: “And I loved it!”
Anthony Jordan: “Why don’t we see if he can do it again at Palm Springs Punishment 2024?”
Roscoe Law nods enthusiastically at them and the crowd cheers
Phillip Blauer: Aw, he just got here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our first match signed for Palm Springs Punishment 2024, fans! We have a lot more action coming up!
Open the Talent Relations cubicle at The Office, the single level open floor plan building that serves as headquarters for Hardkore World in Palm Springs, California. Her office is adorned with signs, nick knacks and various bric a brac, along with a lot of St. Patrick’s Day decorations. She’s wearing a sweater that says “Irish You Were Beer”
Judy Valentine Jr.: Hello , thank you for coming in today, Mr....Righteous, is it?
Captain Righteous: (forces a smile) Captain. Captain Righteous.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh, I apologize. I do support our military. Our boys. Bring them home. Bring em home, safe, you know?
Righteous nods, uncomfortably. Judy lifts a bowl towards him
Judy Valentine Jr.: Candy corn?
Righteous just puts up his hand, politely refusing. Judy takes some for herself
Judy Valentine Jr.: They say this stuff is just for Halloween, but I eat it all year round. That’s when you get the best prices. Cause guess what they do for Halloween?
Captain Righteous: (confused, he doesn’t know what anyone does for Halloween ) I haven’t any idea.
Judy Valentine Jr.: They jack up the prices. That’s why you gotta stock up from February to July. But say you run out? All the people on my candy corn message board, Online Corn Addicts, say you have to go to the factory direct, break the security guard’s neck, bribe the guard dogs with raw meat from your pockets…
Captain Righteous: (puts his hand up to stop her ) Did you need something from me?
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh dear, yes. Sorry, I can just ramble on and on sometimes. We’ve got a little problem with you and your friend. Your social security numbers have come back as invalid.
Captain Righteous: (laughs nervously) That’s, that’s, that’s…
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh sweetie, that’s ok. You’re not the first person we’re gonna pay in cash. We had to convert Moondog Dook’s downside guarantee into somas, for Pete’s sake. (she starts struggling with a bottle of peanut brittle) Why Rated X was so jammed up by the IRS we had to leave his money taped behind the toilet at an Anaheim Sizzler.
Captain Righteous:
Judy Valentine Jr.: I cannot get this peanut brittle, I heard you had super strength?
Captain Righteous: Hmm? Of course. You know, I once lifted a Volkswagen bus full of hippies over my head and threw them straight…(screams)
A bunch of toy snakes come flying out of the peanut brittle, and Captain Righteous recoils in horror
Captain Righteous: What is this dark sorcery??
Captain Righteous picks up the can and throws it as far as he can, knocking Carole from Accounting in the back of the head. She goes down like a bag of hammers
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh poo. I’m so sorry. That was just a little trick. I got it at a magic shop the last time I went to Laughlin. You poor dear, you look fright.
Captain Righteous: (playing it off) No, just. I…you know, cat-like reflexes.
Judy Valentine Jr.: (pats his hand) My cat Whisker Purrfect reacted the same way.
Captain Righteous nods uncomfortably. Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. lifts Carole from Accounting’s head and puts some paperwork underneath it as ambulances are called
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next is the big match between former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Tuxedo Mask and Captain Righteous.
A choir of children begin to sing after a lengthy sinister haunting piano melody is played, searchlights look around the arena for none other than Captain Righteous who comes floating down with Dan Stein’s Peacemaker staff while being lowered from above. His cape flaps majestically as he rests both hands on his waist, smiling and scanning the booing crowd below. A fan holds up a sign that says “Captain Self Righteous”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous had that farce of an investigation in Los Angeles…
Phillip Blauer: Farce? You mean exhaustive hunt for Dorothy’s real killers? This man could be the key to freeing Scott Peterson! Phil Spector! OJ!
Guillermo O’Bannon: OJ’s already free, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: See?? This guy’s amazing! You know, I never got a chance to thank Captain Righteous, for clearing me, er, finding Dorothy’s murderer, my evil twin, Bill…
Guillermo O’Bannon: I thought he was lovely.
Phillip Blauer: But that’s happened before. Once, my cat Paw Heyman ran into the road and a car ran him over. I was heartbroken, on my knees over the twitching body when I looked up and there was Captain Righteous. And he made it right.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Did he fly until he caused the earth to spin backwards and reverse time so that it never happened?
Phillip Blauer: What? No? He burned the car and the people in it with his heat vision. They paid dearly for their crime.. Paw would have enjoyed it. He loved to watch things suffer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we saw from that creepy room he has, Captain Righteous has an obsession over Dan Stein.
Phillip Blauer: Creepy room?! I would love to go to Captain Righteous’ Kill Dan Stein Room, it looked cozy. I’ll bring a houseplant.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous interfered and cost Dan Stein the Hardkore West Coast Championship in Los Angeles, and then in Ontario, Lady Liberty stole his Peacemaker staff from Domino.
Phillip Blauer: There isn’t room enough for the two of them in that locker room. Literally.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous has The Danimal looking for him, but tonight he takes on Tuxedo Mask, one of the most high flying wrestlers here on the West Coast.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Manhattan, Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 275 pounds; The Hardkore Superhero…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Captain Righteous holds up The Peacemaker staff to boos
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the Phoenix crowd boos. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and stands at the side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak in the boos. He walks to the other side of the ramp. Tux pumps up the fans to boo him on that side as well. A fan holds up a sign that says “TUX SUX!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Ontario, Tuxedo Mask defeated DTF star Dana “The Drone” Daniels but not before Daniels released his bees.
Phillip Blauer: That’s absolute poppycock that we allow a beekeeper to bring a thermos of bees to the ring. I’m considering sponsoring a new program that all wrestling related thermoses get checked before bell time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask has been focusing on managing three time Hardkore Women’s Champion Ri Eun-Ae recently, but excited to step back into the ring tonight against Captain Righteous.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of boos before preparing for the match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask says his experience will quickly overcome Captain Righteous, promising many high spots to devastate the Hardkore Superhero.
Phillip Blauer: Tux is an amazing wrestler, and has spent his entire career figuring out tough guys that are bigger than him. And even if he doesn’t, his reaction videos when he loses do twice the engagement on TikTok.
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. The last time Tuxedo Mask was in Phoenix was that threeway match for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast title with Alexander Von Blankenship and Ruben Bowman. Before that it was nearly 20 years ago when he defeated Cobryn in August of 2004.
Greg Jin: "And his opponent is from Tokushima, Japan. Standing 5 feet 8 inches and Weighing 185 pounds; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure... TUXEDO MASK!!!"
The fans boo. Tuxedo Mask stares angrily at the teen holding up the “Tux Sux” sign
Tuxedo Mask vs. Captain Righteous
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and Tuxedo Mask extends a handshake as a sign of sportsmanship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous seems to misinterpret the gesture and grabs him with a one arm sidewalk slam!
…ONE!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Captain Righteous complains to Richie Richardson about the count. He tries to calm himself down, giving Richie a smile that unnerves the young ref
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was a little unsettling. But taking advantage of the distraction, Tuxedo Mask dropkicks Righteous, sending him outside the ring!
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think anyone has taken Captain Righteous off his feet since he’s got here!
Captain Righteous looks around, baffled at how he got on the floor. Tuxedo Mask hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask follows it up with a baseball slide under the ropes into a head scissors takedown on the floor!!
The crowd boos Tuxedo Mask who does a little bow. Captain Righteous stands right back up, apoplectic.Tuxedo Mask slides back inside, runs the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux dives through the second rope but Captain Righteous catches him with a leaping crescent kick!!
The Footprint Center lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Righteous’ boot hitting Tux’s face. Tuxedo Mask looks dazed as Captain Righteous rolls him back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous climbs the top rope, but Tuxedo Mask recovers and racks him on the top turnbuckle, executing a snap huracanrana!!
…ONE!
…Captain Righteous kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask irish whips him, but Captain Righteous reverses it and shoots Tux into the corner. He unloads a series of blows
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask attempts to counter with a Tornado DDT, but Captain Righteous blocks it and slams Tuxedo Mask spine first into the corner!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” Captain Righteous grabs him by a front facelock and steps up onto the second turnbuckle
Phillip Blauer: Here we go!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous goes for his signature move, the Righteous Purge DDT, but Tuxedo Mask pushes him off! Tuxedo Mask retaliating with a handspring huracanrana that catches an indignant Captain Righteous!!
Tuxedo Mask looks pleased about showing off his agility. He climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux follows up with a corkscrew moonsault on Captain Righteous!!
…ONE!
…Captain Righteous kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask springboards off the ropes, but Captain Righteous catches and plants him with a powerful spine buster!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous whips Tuxedo Mask into the corner, following a step behind him to deliver a back elbow.
Righteous irish whips Tuxedo Mask again, but he slides through Richie Richardson's legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hops onto the middle of the top rope and springboard moonsaults into Captain Righteous!!
The Phoenix crowd cheers for Tuxedo Mask's acrobatics. Tuxedo Mask jumps up to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hops up into a split legged moonsault, but Captain Righteous puts his knees up!!
Captain Righteous grabs Tuxedo Mask in a sleeper, and then drops him on his head with
neckbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous executes the Land of Milk and Honey!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask gets his foot on the bottom rope!
Captain Righteous slaps the mat in frustration, and pulls Tux up by the mask. He tosses him over the ropes, but Tux catches the top rope and lands on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask counters with a slingshot over the ropes into a DDT, once again shifting the momentum!
Captain Righteous crawls over to the corner, and grabs The Peacemaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous has got that Peacemaker!
Phillip Blauer: He’s trying to keep it safe from Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr.’s sticky fingers.
Tuxedo Mask goes to pick him up, but Captain Righteous jabs him in the stomach with The Peacemaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on!
Phillip Blauer: He clearly needs to make some peace.
Captain Righteous grabs his head, and runs up the turnbuckles into his tornado DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous Purge!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“For The Damaged Coda” by Blonde Redhead plays and the fans boo loudly. Captain Righteous gets off of Tuxedo Mask immediately, looking at him as if he’s somewhat frightened by him. He jumps when Tommy Milligan tries to raise his arm, tearing it away from him, and waving to the jeering Footprint Center with a fake smile, while holding The Peacemaker
Greg Jin: “At 9 minutes 2 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask was not the easy win that Captain Righteous has been used to up until now, and he looks a little freaked out by it.
Phillip Blauer: Balderdash. It’s this Desert heat. It doesn’t agree with…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein is standing behind him!!
The audience is roaring as a seething Stein stands behind Righteous as he oddly looks at Tuxedo Mask. He hears the cheers and peps up, waving to the fans
Phillip Blauer: Turn around, Captain! Turn around!
Captain Righteous senses something is off, and then seems to realize what it could be. He gulps and slowly turns around to see Dan Stein looking at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Look at those two behemoths!
Phillip Blauer: The ring is shaking! The arena is shaking! Our desk is shaking! Oh, that might just be because Guillermo hasn’t had a drink in a couple hours.
The Phoenix fans make the arena rumble as neither man is willing to back down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous cost Dan Stein the Hardkore West Coast Championship in LA, and then stole his Peacemaker in Ontario. Now here in Phoenix, Dan Stein is just about done with this fake superhero.
Phillip Blauer: Fake?? Did I not tell you about the ponzi scheme guys he saved from the rushing rapids?
Dan Stein grabs The Peacemaker, but Captain Righteous hangs onto it
Phillip Blauer: Someone stop that thief!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous and Stein fighting over The Peacemaker!
Stein starts pulling The Peacemaker back towards him when Captain Righteous blindsides him with a headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: A second headbutt from Captain Righteous has Stein seeing stars, and Righteous is able to snatch back The Peacemaker and run out of the ring!
The crowd boos as Captain Righteous clutches The Peacemaker close to his body, shaking his head at Dan Stein. Stein has a trickle of blood running down his face as he is beet red from anger
Phillip Blauer: Captain Righteous saves the day again! He now controls Dan Stein because whoever possesses The Peacemaker, possesses his soul!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it’s just a stick. But Captain Righteous has a day or reckoning ahead of him at Palm Springs Punishment 2024 with “The Punisher” Dan Stein.
“The Role Model” Anthony Jordan stands in front of the law offices of Goodman and McGill.
Jordan: “Folks, Hardkore World is coming to town! And one thing that happens when professional wrestlers show is crime! Remember, we employ Florida Man!”
Jordan gives his goofy grin.
Jordan: “And if you find yourself catching a criminal charge, you might think there is Nowa Out, but think again! Your friends at Goodman and McGill are there to help!”
Star wipe transition, and Jordan is in Jimmy McGill’s office.
Jordan: “How good are they? They told me that I could not use our Jefferson Starship theme during the following clips!”
McGill: “Only public domain!”
“Turkey in the Straw '' plays as Jordan belly-to-belly suplexes Streamboat Mickey onto McGill’s desk. Jordan and McGill give the thumbs up to the camera. Another star wipe and Jordan is putting a judge in Idolizer #2.
Jordan: “Their legal process will have the judges tapping out!”
The judge screams as Jordan locks in the hold. He then reaches out and tags in McGill.
Jordan: “Tag them in as soon as you get your one phone call at the police station!”
An obvious body double jumps off the top and splashes the judge. A final star wipe leaves Jordan and McGill in front of the law office as “Turkey in the Straw” ends. The low mic quality is obvious as the wind is heard.
Jordan: “Call 602-444-4444 ‘four’ Phoenix’s best lawyers! Or visit us at the office right off exit 123! If you see the inflatable gila monster, then you drove too far!’
Fade back up on Guillermo O’Bannon and Phil Blauer at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next is a rematch from Hardkore Helloween 2023. “The Punisher” Dan Stein and Joe Nobody were the last two in their qualifier, and tore each other up in the barbed wire. Now they hook it up again, one on one!
The lights in The Footprint Center dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The Phoenix fans cheer as the lyrics begin appearing on the screen
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!!
Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie and the Hardkore California Championship belt around his waist. The fans let out a loud pop, and Nobody begins making his way to the ring. A fan holds up a sign that says “Nobody Does It Better”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody has had a bizarre couple of matches recently. In Los Angeles, the lights went out, a creepy song started playing, and when they came back on he was knocked unconscious. In Ontario, the creepy song started playing and this time we got a QR code.
Phillip Blauer: I did a little investigating and found out that if you take a picture of the QB code, it comes back as three quarters of your own face!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, you have the front facing camera on. The QR code took you to the song “Heaven” from Warrant.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, whenever I hear that little ditty, I think of Dorothy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m sure she’s there.
Phillip Blauer: Oh no, the factory fires alone preclude her from going up there. I mean she slept with most of the band.
As Joe Nobody makes it up two steps and stops before turning around to give a pre-teen boy in a Cardinals jersey his signature fedora.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody was rocked by the death of Steve Awesome, and wants to take out all of his anger of his loss out on Dan Stein here tonight in Phoenix.
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Joe had “Rink Rat” Joseph Hart look into the case of who has been stalking him at the Ontario show.
Phillip Blauer: I see, and did that help?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not at all.
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Greg Jin: “The following non-title match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your Kelly O'Connelleree is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, He is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The fans cheer and then suddenly the Footprint Center darkens, and the reassuring tones of Ron Burgundy are heard.
Ron Burgundy: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Hardkore fans of Los Angeles! Can I please have your attention? I have been handed an urgent... and horrifying news story! The Danimal has entered the building!”
The lights abruptly come on again and the crowd erupts. "Seal The Deal" by Volbeat plays as “The Punisher” Dan Stein and his lovely manager Domino make their way to the ring area, Domino smiling and high-fiving the fans while Stein walks to the ring with his sunglasses on and scowl on his face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In LA, Dan Stein had the Hardkore West Coast Championship in his grasp and then Captain Righteous cost him the match. Then in Ontario, Lady Liberty ripped the Peacemaker out of Domino’s hands.
Phillip Blauer: Taking a dangerous weapon out of a dangerous man’s hands, Captain Righteous saves the day again! He’s like the biggest guy here, what does he need a stick for? It’s like he’s been waiting for someone to lower a pinata down to the ring the past 20 years.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein was noticeably shaken by the loss of his Peacemaker. He even snapped and blamed Domino for losing it to Lady Liberty.
Phillip Blauer: Once again, I have to side with Domino here. It’s a stick that’s absolutely dripping with old DNA. It’s probably responsible for half the staph and MRSA infections in the locker room over the years.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At any rate, Joe Nobody getting a very pissed off Stein to deal with here tonight.
Upon entering the ring, Stein instead of his Peacemaker as usual, he thrusts his arm up, to the roar of the crowd.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, it’s just not the same. I get it now. His arm is like Shemp to The Peacemaker’s Curly.
Yolanda Ando: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. His elbow is wrapped.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Domino suggested that Joe Nobody find Dan Stein’s Peacemaker and return it to him, to get a Dan Stein that’s in a better mood.
Phillip Blauer: See what I mean? She’s always thinking.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by Domino; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is The One Who Knocks…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
The Footprint Center lets out a huge pop as Dan Stein stares at Joe Nobody with Domino applauding
Joe Nobody vs. "The Punisher" Dan Stein
Domino and Greg Jin step out of the ring, and Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. We are underway, Stein and Nobody lock up in the middle of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein easily forces Joe Nobody into the corner.
The Phoenix fans cheer as Dan Stein bends Joe Nobody across the ropes. Kelly O'Connell calls for the break
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein starts delivering stiff body shots at Nobody’s ribs, battering away at his lower body.
Dan Stein pulls him out of the corner with a shinbreaker atomic drop. Nobody hobbles backwards into the ropes. Stein irish whips him across the ring into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein goes for the lariat, but Nobody tumbles underneath it!
The fans pop and Stein whirls around to grab for him but Joe Nobody arm drags him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another arm drag by Joe Nobody, then a third!
The audience cheers and Stein rolls away with a curse. Domino tries to get his head back in the game
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein lunges at Nobody but Joe is waiting with a superkick upside his head!
The Footprint Center let out an “OH!” as Stein drops like a redwood, and Joe Nobody makes a cover
…ONE!
…Dan Stein kicks out so hard Joe Nobody lands on his feet!
Phillip Blauer: Heavens to Betsy, did you see that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: What am I, hard of seeing?
The Arizona crowd applauds that feat of strength, as Joe Nobody shrugs. Dan Stein gets back to his feet, and rubs his temple
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan comes in with a kick, but Joe Nobody grabs Stein’s leg as the Punisher comes in and twists him into a dragon screw.
The fans cheer. Stein grabs at his leg as he shakes his head. Domino shouts instructions as Stein stumbles to his feet.
Phillip Blauer: The Hardkore California Champion is giving up 100 pounds and 6 inches. He has decided to go after The Danimal’s knee and ground him early.
He limps a little as he rubs at his knee. Then he grunted as Nobody approaches him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody fires off a few punches before he snaps back into a russian leg sweep! He uses the momentum to roll on top of him!
…ONE!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody pulls him up and irish whips him, but Stein reverses it and shoots Joe into the corner! Joe bounces out into a discus clothesline!!
The Footprint Center pops as Joe staggers back into the turnbuckles. Dan Stein comes over to the corner and grabs the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein rams his shoulder into Nobody’s stomach. Again, and again. Joe Nobody tries to walk out of the corner, but Dan Stein effortlessly picks him up and tosses him backwards into the turnbuckles!!
The Phoenix fans erupt at that show of unbelievable power and aggression
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein stands up and uses that 6’7 frame to choke Joe with his boot!
Domino applauds on the outside. Kelly O’Connell gives Dan Stein a five count to stop crushing Nobody’s throat with his big boot and he eventually breaks on four. Stein starts stomping Joe Nobody in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein stomps Joe over and over until he’s sitting against the bottom rope!
Kelly O’Connell finally pulls Dan Stein out of the corner, and he raises his arms and pops the crowd. He pulls Nobody up and scoops him up on his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein goes for a running powerslam, but Joe Nobody slips off his shoulder. He grabs him from behind and drops down into a hangman’s neckbreaker!
The crowd cheers as Stein clutches the back of his neck. Joe Nobody pulls him up and throws him through the ropes to the floor below. Joe steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody runs along the apron and hops on the second turnbuckle and jumps back into a missile dropkick to Dan Stein on the floor!!
The audience cheers and chants “JOE!! JOE!! JOE!!” Domino covers her mouth and looks concerned. Nobody rolls Dan Stein back into the ring
Phillip Blauer: Domino sees it all slipping away now. Unraveled by a stick.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody back in the ring and he tags Dan Stein in the side of the head with a shining wizard kick!
The Phoenix fans let out another loud “OH!” and Stein goes down. Joe Nobody applies a full nelson on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody links his fingers together and pushes Stein’s head down until his chin is in his chest. The Hardkore California Champion has had to have his head on a swivel lately, as anyone could be the person behind all of his attacks and the mind games.
Phillip Blauer: It could be me. Nobody would know.
Kelly O’Connell checks in, but Dan Stein refuses to give up. Domino pounds on the apron, and the crowd claps along, rooting The Punisher on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein has never won in Arizona. The last time Dan Stein was in Phoenix was when he lost to Rated X in a match for the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship back in June of 2006. In August of 2005, he and “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson were unsuccessful in their attempt to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles from Andrew Karnage and the late Adrian Tanner Jr. in a steel cage.
Phillip Blauer: That’s got to stick in his craw.
Dan Stein fights his way back to his feet, with Joe Nobody hanging on to the full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein starts using his strength to try and break out of the full nelson. He cranks those shoulders and biceps until Joe Nobody loses his grip!
The audience erupts with cheers as Stein shakes his head, furious at Nobody. Dan Stein snaps Nobody into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein catches Joe Nobody with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker!
Joe Nobody arches his back in pain while the rowdy crowd pops for Stein. Dan pulls Joe up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein rolls him around, and gives Nobody a receipt for that hangman’s neckbreaker!
Stein remains sitting and points into Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.’s camera and tells Captain Righteous that he’s next
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think Dan wants this smoke, to be honest.
Dan Stein pulls him up and headbutts him. He headbutts him twice more, and then drops down into a facebuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Detroit Hangover!! He pulls him up by the throat with both hands, and then lifts him up in the air by his neck!
The Footprint Center cheers as Dan Stein throttles Joe Nobody by the throat with both hands, as he lifts him off his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein drops him into a sit out chokeslam!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody claps his legs together on Dan Stein’s head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein grabs Joe Nobody again to lock on a bearhug! He tightens his massive grip on Nobody’s ribs as he shakes him.
Kelly O’Connell asks him but Joe Nobody shakes his head, and reaches out for the ropes. The audience chants “JOE!! JOE!! JOE!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody punches Dan Stein over and over to break out of that bear hug.
Dan Stein irish whips Nobody into the ropes, and then ducks down for a back drop, but Joe Nobody goes over him with a floatover DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Status Symbol!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Domino covers her face at ringside, then rubs the bridge of her nose in frustration. Joe Nobody pulls Dan Stein up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes. Joe hits Stein in the chest with a jumping calf kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Perfect Placement by the Hardkore California Champion, dropping Dan Stein to the mat!
The lights fall pitch black
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who turned off the lights?!? Not again!
Phillip Blauer: I’m afraid Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. has been corrupted yet again. He went for much less beef jerky than I had anticipated.
A booming voice comes over the sound system
The future is bulletproof
The aftermath is secondary
It's time to do it now and do it loud
A brief pause as a spotlight beams against the entrance. There, standing in it, wearing a pearl white Adidas tracksuit is Hasbulla
Phillip Blauer: Joe Nobody, that is just a taste of what you have coming.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What are you talking about?
Again the voice booms over the sound system
It's time to do it now and do it loud
Phithy Boyz, make some noise
The sound system begins to play “Na Na Na" by My Chemical Romance as Hasbulla dances
Drugs, gimme drugs, gimme drugs
I don't need it, but I'll sell what you got
Take the cash and I'll keep it
Eight legs to the wall
Hit the gas, kill 'em all
And we crawl, and we crawl, and we crawl
You be my detonator
Love, gimme love, gimme love
I don't need it, but I'll take what I want from your heart
And I'll keep it in a bag, in a box
Put an "X" on the floor
Gimme more, gimme more, gimme more
Shut up and sing it with me
The music abruptly stops with a scratch of a record sound, only to be replaced by “Blessed Up" by Wande
Hasbulla looks sideways at the entrance ramp as Alexander Von Blankenship walks out,
Guillermo O’Bannon: No! This is who has been terrorizing Joe Nobody the past couple months?
A crooked smile is across AVB’s face as he mouths the words "I'm coming for all the gold up in this Hardkore bitch." to Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. Joe Nobody stands at the ropes, shocked
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody turns around into a Stein Line jumping lariat!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The fans cheer and Alexander Von Blankenship mocks feeling guilty for causing that. "Seal The Deal" by Volbeat plays through the Footprint Center
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 59 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
Phillip Blauer: In Dorothy’s memory, I am paying AVB to take the Hardkore California Championship from Joe Nobody. Because she hated his commie hat distribution system.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is deranged, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: We all mourn in our own way.
Dan Stein raises both his arms in triumph as Domino applauds next to him. Out in the aisle, Hasbulla blows his whistle in celebration, jumping up and down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein goes into Palm Springs Punishment 2024, looking to get his Peacemaker back, as Joe Nobody tries to retain his Hardkore California Championship from Alexander Von Blankenship!
The camera opens on Syberus stood inside a bustling, jam-packed restaurant with smoke in the air. Next to him is an overweight aged texan man who kind of looks like an obese Colonel Sanders. He is fanning himself with his white cowboy hat.
Fat Colonel Sanders: Mercy.
Syberus: I'm the great Syberus. Hardkore World legend and wrestling superstar. Most of you know, those of you that have ever seen imagery of our globe and wondered what all the different green bits separated by blue are, that I'm not from these United States. No, I hail from an ancient kingdom know as "Great Britain". Though I have found myself away from home for many years now, one thing that brings me comfort is the wonderful food that can be found across the country. None moreso than down here in Corpus Christi at Reverend Highwater's Smoke House n' Ribs.
Reverend.
Reverend Highwater: Always a pleasure sonny.
Syberus: Now Reverend your smokehouse has been a cornerstone of the Corpus Christi community for 45 years. Tell us what it means to you.
Reverend Highwater (sweating profusely and turning red): As the Lord as my witness I never did get used to the heat.
Syberus: Right... but, what about feeding the community with much loved recipes?
Reverend Highwater: Ohhh down at Reverend Highwater's Smokehouse n' Ribs, you'll never go hungry that's fer sure. What you want, we got.
The chef peers out of a hatch and dings a service bell.
Chef: WE'RE OUTTA RIBS!!!
Syberus: As a man of God, was it important for you for your restaurant to have a strong connection to family?
Reverend Highwater: Bring yer young'ins! Whoooo (he keeps fanning himself). Dey can run riot, we don't mind here at Reverend Highwater's Smokehouse n' Grill. Young'ins is the future. That's what I always told my flock.
A launching child runs past and punches Syberus in the crotch.
Syberus: MOTHERFU-
Cut to a few moments later, Syberus is now sat on a stool breathing heavily.
Syberus: So... Reverend... how did uh... how did it all get started?
Revered Highwater: Well sonny the Lord works in mysterious ways. It was some kinna de-viiine innervention I'll tell ya. But late one mornin' I was walking my lil' dog Rafferty an' a light shone down across the lake the likes of which I never seen.
Comin' down from the heavens was a sight ah can't describe. But I will. It was a flamin' circle with 30 wings, had the head of a lion and eyes coverin' every inch.
Syberus: Flaming lion head eye circle, got it.
Reverend Highwater: Yessir. An' from it came a voice which rattle my very soul.
CLANCY it called.
CLANCY. You gotta smoke some ribs. Smoke some ribs for the Lord, Clancy.
Reverend Highwater: Who am I to deny the commands of Almighty God.
Syberus: Who indeed (he puffs his cheeks and reels down still feeling the effects)
Reverent Highwater: So here we are. We gotcher ribs. We gotcher wings. We got 15 kindsa ketchup.
We got momma's hot sauce. Ol' family recipe. We gotcher glazed ratchets. Yer spiced claymens. Stacks-o'-corn.
The chef peers out of a hatch and dings a service bell.
Chef: OUTTA CORN STACKS!!!
Syberus now incapacitated just hands the microphone to the Reverend who steps in front of him to take up the camera.
Reverend Highwater: So come on down to Reverend Highwater's Smoke House n' Ribs. We're good fer the family. Good fer the soul. That's Reverend Clancy Highwater's Guarantee.
He winks as sweat drips down from his face.
Reverend Highwater: Betsy darlin' could I trouble you for a scotch and soda? I never did get used to his heat.
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the first title match of the night as new Hardkore Women’s Champion Black Tiger puts her title on the line against Mary Yellowbird.
“Don’t Let It Show In Your Face” by Adeva plays and the fans cheer. Mary Yellowbird comes out high fiving the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: 270 pound Mary Yellowbird looking to win her first Hardkore Women’s Championship here tonight in Phoenix. She babysat Black Tiger in the locker room when her parents Dragon Belt and Dragonatrix would wrestle, so she knows who’s under that mask.
Phillip Blauer: What a scoop! Who is it??
Guillermo O’Bannon: No it’s Black Tiger, I mean she knows who she is under the mask.
Phillip Blauer: Right, who is it?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nevermind. But Mary Yellowbird says Black Tiger learned from her mother Dragonatrix, and that will make her tougher than anyone she’s faced lately. The question is…
Phillip Blauer: I got a question, why in the Sam Hill is Kevin Valentine Jr. training to wrestle with her? He’s like 100 pounds. What is he training to be a ringpost?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know.
Mary Yellowbird slaps the hands onf the fans all around ringside and then enters enter ring, locking eyes with Tommy Milligan
Phillip Blauer: What is that look about?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, I don’t know.
Yolanda Ando: Mary Yellowbird wears a dress with slits and beads, she has black boots with Native American symbols and her black hair is in a pony tail.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. The new Hardkore Women’s Champion has a 270 pound challenge standing in the ring waiting for her in her first title defense.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, The Challenger. From Winchester, Kentucky; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 270 pounds…Big Mama, MARY YELLOWBIRD!!!”
The Phoenix crowd applauds and whistles as Mary Yellowbird waves back at them
"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays and silhouettes of roaring and tigers striking and the eyes of a tiger are seen on the tron as Black Tiger walks out with the Hardkore Women’s Championship strapped around her waist. After soaking in the loud cheers, Black Tiger stalks slowly to ringside, all business-like
Guillermo O’Bannon: The second generation star, Black Tiger upset three time Hardkore Women’s Champion Ri Eun-Ae in Los Angeles. A title her legendary mother Dragonatrix never held.
Phillip Blauer: That’ll come out some Thanksgiving in the future.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight, here in Phoenix, she puts it on the line against a woman who, as we said earlier, babysat her back in the day, Mary Yellowbird.
Phillip Blauer: This is the same woman that told her she couldn’t have a second apple juice box. The woman that didn’t restart Chicken Little on Black Tiger’s portable DVD player when it was over. Think of the long dormant rage she must have deep inside her towards this woman.
Yolanda Ando: Black Tiger wears a full bodied black catsuit with dark tiger stripes. She has black wrestling boots on with black tiger claws, black MMA fighting gloves with black tiger claws and a black tiger's mask that covers her entire face and head except for her long dark hair that flows freely from the back of her mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Black Tiger says just because of who her parents are, that isn’t how she got signed to Hardkore World. She toiled hard to get here, but tonight she must contend with the sheer size of Mary Yellowbird. She is the biggest opponent she has faced since coming here to the West Coast.
Black Tiger enters the ring and goes to her corner. She folds her arms glaring up at Mary Yellowbird with the Hardkore Women’s Championship around her waist. Tiger is not breathing, standing still like a statue
Greg Jin: “Her opponent. From Somewhere in Chinatown; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 175 pounds; The Daughter of Dragons; She is The Current HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…BLACK TIGER!!!”
The audience cheers but Black Tiger stands still, as if to strike like a ferocious hungry tiger
Hardkore Women's Championship
The action starts with big Mary Yellowbird approaching her opponent with the intentions of a classic lock up, only Black Tiger stops the woman short kicking the inside of Mary's legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger shoves Yellowbird back. She cracks her with another stiff kick to her calf, and shoves her back again.
Mary frustrated enough to display her strength by hitting a quick scoop and slam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird has had enough and hammers a few heavy hands just for good measure to Black Tiger's face.
Mary Yellowbird pulls Black Tiger up by the mask and applies a bearhug
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yellowbird with that powerful and body slashing bear hug! She locks her hands together and crushes Tiger’s spine with her massive arms.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Black Tiger refuses to give up. Tiger tries to punch her way out of it, but Yellowbird holds firm to the bearhug
Guillermo O’Bannon: However strong Mary is, a few hard stiff headbutts to Mary's head forces the big woman to let go of Tiger. Black Tiger quickly capitalizes with a fast kick to Mary's legs.
Black Tiger cracks her in the outer thigh with another stiff kick. And another to her shin has Yellowbird hopping on one leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger’s strategy is clearly to take out the wheels of the much larger Mary Yellowbird.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know, those are some pretty big wheels.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger hits her in the breadbasket with a hard elbow, and another one to the gut. She jumps up and hits her with a headbutt! But Yellowbird still won’t go down!
Phillip Blauer: Maybe she should go back to the wheels.
Black Tiger hits her with a muay thai kick that backs Mary Yellowbird into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger runs up on Mary Yellowbird and hits her under the chin with a rising knee!
Phillip Blauer: That doesn’t put her down either.
Black Tiger irish whips her, but Mary Yellowbird reverses it and shoots her into the corner so hard she falls to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird coming in hot with a cannonball!!
The Footprint Center lets out a collective “OH!” at the impact Yellowbird makes against Black Tiger in the corner. She pulls Black Tiger up and leans her against the turnbuckles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yellowbird opens up on her midsection with rapid fire body shots, softening her up in the corner. Mary grabs her by the head and monkey flips her across the ring!
The fans cheer for the height she gets. Black Tiger sits up, rubbing her back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Back on the attack, Mary clubs Tiger as she pulls the masked wrestler to her feet, only for Black Tiger to fire back with a closed fist. The pair are now trading blows. Spinning backfist from Mary!
Black Tiger comes back with several open handed kung fu strikes that stun the 270 pounder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird power slaps Black Tiger across the face!
The Phoenix crowd lets out another “OH!” at the sound of the slap
Phillip Blauer: Once her babysitter, always her babysitter.
Black Tiger composes herself and motions for Mary Yellowbird to bring it. The audience cheers and then Black Tiger hits her with a superman punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger Strike!! And she still doesn’t go down!
Mary Yellowbird does go down to one knee, but pulls herself up by the ropes. Black Tiger clubs her with forearms to her back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary hammers elbows into Tiger forcing the Hardkore Women’s Champion off of her. She grabs Black Tiger by the mask and flips her over onto her back with it!
Mary Yellowbird whacks Black Tiger with a big tomahawk chop to her chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do you hear the sound of those tomahawks?
Phillip Blauer: Do you see the size of those tomahawks?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird with another tomahawk chop that you can hear throughout The Footprint Center!
Black Tiger goes down and Mary Yellowbird does a war dance in the ring, riling the crowd up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yellowbird scoops Black Tiger up and drops her into a backbreaker, then stretches her across her across her knee.
Mary uses her 270 pounds to push down on Tiger’s chin and knees, wearing down her back. The Phoenix fans, especially the kids, chant “TIGER!! TIGER!! TIGER!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird picks Tiger up by her mask, and effortlessly tosses her over the ropes, but Tiger hangs on and skins the cat back into the ring!
Black Tiger back in the ring and sneaks up on an unsuspecting Mary Yellowbird
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger grabs a tazzmission on the back of Mary!
The crowd cheers as Yellowbird whips around, trying to get Black Tiger off her back. Finally she goes down to one knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: She’s got her down to her knees, as Black Tiger tried to cut off her air. Mary Yellowbird stands back up and backpedals into the corner, smashing Black Tiger against the turnbuckles!
Phillip Blauer: Squish!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird overhead belly to belly suplexes her out of the corner!
Mary Yellowbird steps through the ropes and climbs up onto the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yellowbird jumps off with a flying dropkick!! She sticks her knees into Black Tiger’s back and rolls her up into a bow and arrow!
Yellowbird bends her in half, impaling her across her knees. Tiger grimaces in pain but refuses to give up. Tommy Milligan checks in but Tiger shakes her head, not wanting to give up the Hardkore Women’s Championship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird trying to cash in on the damage her earlier backbreaker did. She finally releases the bow and arrow, scoops Black Tiger up and tosses her over the ropes to the floor below!
The crowd cheers as Black Tiger tumbles to the mat. Mary Yellowbird climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Tiger to get to her feet
Phillip Blauer: By the end of tonight, you will believe Yellowbirds can fly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yellowbird comes down with a flying double ax handle that catches Black Tiger between the eyes on the floor!!
The audience chants “MARY! MARY! MARY!” Mary pulls her up and punches her, but Black Tiger returns fire with a kung fu punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary with a headbutt that crosses the eyes of Black Tiger.
Phillip Blauer: How can you tell?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger with several Terry Funk style headbutts to stagger Yellowbird.
Black Tiger backs up and gets a running start around the ringside area
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger with a stroman express, but she bounces right off of Mary Yellowbird onto the floor!
Mary Yellowbird rolls Black Tiger back into the ring and onto her stomach. She stands up and hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird brings all 270 pounds down on Black Tiger’s aching spine with a back splash! She rolls her over and makes the cover.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Black Tiger kicks out!
Both women are slow to get up but when they do, the pair ties up fighting for the upper hand. Mary sweeps Tiger off of her feet, and grabs her leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yellowbird turns her over into a single leg boston crab, but Black Tiger slips her leg out and pushes Mary’s backside with her foot, sending her sailing headfirst through the ropes into the cornerpost!!
The audience lets out a loud “OH!” at the sound of Yellowbird’s head hitting the ring post. She staggers back and turns around right into a spear by Black Tiger
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger Strike #2!!
Phillip Blauer: She finally got her down!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The crowd cheers as “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor plays
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 14 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…BLACK TIGER!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: It took her 13 minutes for Black Tiger to take her off her feet, but when she did, it was for good!
Tommy Milligan hands her the Hardkore Women’s Championship and she raises it high in the air to the applause of the Phoenix crowd. Mary Yellowbird appears behind her, holding her ribs
Phillip Blauer: Uh oh, looks like Mary would like a word.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger senses her and whips around, looking at her challenger.
The fans pop as the two look at one another, Black Tiger unsure of her intentions. Mary Yellowbird extends her hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird with a show of respect, she babysat her as a child and seems to be proud of the woman she grew up to be.
Phillip Blauer: Maybe now she’ll let her watch a PG-13 movie.
Black Tiger shakes her hand and the Footprint Center roars
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger shakes her hand!
The Footprint Center cheers and the two women embrace
“Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays and the fans boo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who is this?
Phillip Blauer: Who dares interrupt this hug?
Lady Liberty is lowered from the rafters and floats over the ring with her cape blowing
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Lady Liberty! Captain Righteous’ partner!
Phillip Blauer: I didn’t even know the day needed to be saved, yet here she is! That’s why you have to leave it to the professionals, Genghis.
Lady Liberty hovers over the ring suspended by her ropes, glowering down at Black Tiger. Black Tiger motions towards her Hardkore Women’s Championship, inviting her to try and take it
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks like Lady Liberty wants to be the next challenger for Black Tiger, and Tiger doesn’t look to be afraid of the super hero at all!
(The scene opens at a busy, loud public library. Sweet Bone Daddy, The Martian, and Andy Valentine Junior are dressed as stereotypical 90’s chicanos. They seem impatient and look at their watches outside of a study room where Marty Donovan and Olivia Oldham sit, dressed as stockbroker and secretary. The couple drink glasses of champagne.)
The Martian: What is taking so long?
Sweet Bone Daddy: Aye carumba!
(Andy opens the door.)
Andy: Are you almost done, Holmes? Me and the boys need a discreet spot to plan our Jack in the Box robbery.
Olivia: It’s going to be awhile.
Marty: This is the only place I can bone with my secretary since the stupid wife installed ring cameras to make sure the baby is safe or some garbage.
Andy: Help me Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe! There has to be an easier way!
(Phil Blauer walks by whistling while he carries a stack of library books. He is naked like a Palm Spring nudist and the books block his crotch. He looks at the group and chuckles.)
Phil: Yo ese! Catch!
(Phil tosses one of the books to Sweet Bone Daddy! The camera zooms in on the cover where a printed out picture has been poorly taped on it. The image is of a windfarm and the title reads “PALM SPRING PARADISE ''. We transition to the same location in real life as a middle aged man walks into frame.)
Calvin: Hi I’m Calvin Cluckey! I know what you’re thinking. Wasn’t that the alias a fat banker used on an Unsolved Mysteries episode from December 1988? Yes, it is. I am not him! That scumbag employee who stole a fortune of unmarked bills from witness protection is someone else! Okay? Good. For the past ten years I’ve proudly run Palm Springs Windmill Tours. You may ask yourself, why would anyone pay to drive around for a few hours and look at rows of identical windmills? That sounds incredibly boring. Yes. Yes, it is. Let me tell you a life changing secret. You do not have to actually look at the windmills.
(The shot changes to the three gangbangers from earlier driving around the windmill tour in ski masks. They seem to be planning something sketchy in great detail as Sweet Bone Daddy draws on the blueprints of a fast food restaurant . Marty and Ollie are parked in a convertible feeding each other grapes while a baby monitor is ignored on the dashboard. Phil is nude, with his genitals blurred out, and digging a shallow grave. He sees another car drive by and nervously scrambles to wrap a towel around his lower half before going back to digging. We cut back to Calvin sitting on a golf cart.)
Calvin: Seriously, do whatever you want up here in the mountains. Booze. Sex. Drugs. I don’t care as long as you pay the 60 bucks. We’re so desperate for customers. This seemed like a great idea when everyone was stuck in home during the pandemic. KESQ’s John White even did a story on us. Claimed he’d be a regular. Where have you been, Johnny boy? Where have you been? Only thing we get now is teens stealing the copper from the turbines. I wouldn’t care if they paid the 60 bucks. So come on down to the Palm Springs Windmill Farm for whatever you like. It’s not my business to supervise what you do in your own car. Again, I’m not the criminal from Unsolved Murders.
(Calvin walks out of frame. The camera zooms in on a turbine before fading out.)
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Up next is the Hardkore West Coast Championship between two time champion The Sheik, and two time champion Syberus, who would like to win it for an unprecedented third time. They’ve wrestled before, at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, in September of that year. The champion Syberus was victorious over the challenger The Sheik when Tuxedo Mask evened the odds against Sheik’s partner in The Oracles of Suffering, Poena, The Sanctified. Now the roles are reversed, with Sheik’s West Coast Championship on the line.
“Battleflag” by Lo Fidelity Allstars starts up and the Phoenix crowd jumps to their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage. Then out walks an older man
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Adrian Tanner Senior! The father of the late Adrian Tanner Jr. who was Syberus SWAT tag team championship partner in The Connection, and a native of right here in Phoenix, Arizona!
The Phoenix crowd roars and a “TANNER! TANNER! TANNER!” chant starts. Adrian Tanner Sr. gets misty and pats his heart, mouthing “Thank you” repeatedly to the fans. Syberus pats Tanner’s shoulder, and then opens his robe revealing his old “C” Connection t-shirt, getting an ear splitting pop from The Footprint Center
Phillip Blauer: That shirt has seen better days.
Syberus takes a brief look around at the cheering crowd, taking in the “Tanner” chants before heading down the ramp with Adrian Tanner Sr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Adrian Tanner Jr. was the biggest star out of Arizona, and this city was where he had some of his greatest victories with the hometown fans behind him. In February of 2008, he successfully defended the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship over Marty Donovan. In June of 2006, he, along with Marty Donovan and Kilroy Evans successfully defended the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles from Black Wallstreet and the Future World Order in a falls count anywhere elimination match. In August of 2005, he and Andrew Karnage successfully defended the Hardkore World Tag Team titles over “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson and “The Punisher” Dan Stein in a steel cage match.
Adrian Tanner Sr. slaps the audience’s outstretched hands, as the crowd continues to cheer the late Tanner’s memory. He walks past signs that say “Tanner Country” and “Arizona Assassin”
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Syberus has scored some impressive victories since his return to the ring, including a countout victory of the Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody. That earned him tonight’s shot at the Hardkore West Coast title.
Phillip Blauer: Balderdash, whoever fiddled with the lights won him that match against Joseph No One.
Once up the ring steps Syberus wipes his feet on the apron as the fan with the “Six Time Syberus” sign gets it in the shot. Syberus stoops through the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But in Ontario, he scored a non-title victory over Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion The Florida Man in seconds.
Phillip Blauer: Florida’s mask wasn’t on correctly and he couldn’t see. I have already paid to have that match stricken from the record books.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who did you pay to do that?
Phillip Blauer: Andy the intern. He had a book nearby and scribbled in it, and I gave him $20,000. He seemed quite pleased.
Yolanda Ando: Syberus wears black trunks with gold laurel wreaths decorating the front and back. Five gold stars emblazon the rear also. He wears black knee pads and black boots, his boots depict Alexander and Darius respectively taken from the Alexander mosaic found in Pompeii. His wrists and palms are taped in white. To the ring he wears a traditional full length wrestling robe, red with gold roses throughout.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. After that match in Ontario, they had a wild bloody brawl that cleared both locker rooms.
Phillip Blauer: Florida was not ready for Syberus to go for a win so early, we usually have to take two commercial breaks from this guy’s headlocks.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But tonight Syberus goes for the Hardkore West Coast Championship against the wild Sheik. Syberus says he’s not intimidated by The Sheik or his manager’s interference. This is a clash of styles, with Syberus probably hoping to make this a wrestling match, and Sheik wanting a fight. But Syberus says he’s taken all the West Coast’s best brawlers and beat them in a grappling contest. He wants to be the first ever Hardkore West Coast Champion, and he will take out anyone in his way to do it.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Adrian Tanner Sr.!”
The Phoenix audience drowns out Greg to cheer for Adrian Tanner Jr.’s father. He pumps his fist
Greg Jin: “From Manchester, England; He stands 6 feet tall; Weighing 220 pounds; The Five Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
The Phoenix fans let out a loud pop as Syberus puts his arms up. There is a bandage over his shoulder where Florida Man bit him
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Footprint Center boos. The Hardkore West Coast Champion Sheik walks out, swinging at the rowdy fans. Malcolm Xavier Graves follows behind, whacking at the crowd with his cane
Guillermo O’Bannon: In LA, Dan Stein was pressing Malcolm Xavier Graves over his head when Captain Righteous interfered. Instead of helping Stein, a man he has fought beside in the past, he hit him with the Scimitar to retain his Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Phillip Blauer: Did you expect him to wait until Dan felt better? Let’s not forget Dan was in the process of trying to throw his crippled manager into the air.
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans are really letting him hear about it.
Phillip Blauer: The only friend he needs is MXG, and that’s just because Sheik doesn’t have a driver’s license.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time either of these men were in Phoenix was when Syberus lost his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship to Marty Donovan and The Sheik lost his Hardkore West Coast Championship to Eron Hunter in October of 2022.
Phillip Blauer: Bad night in the Desert for both of these guys that night.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves and The Sheik are not impressed by Syberus’ boasts and maintain most of his accolades were many years ago. They did not appreciate his comments about The Sheik, and look to make him suffer for it.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Great King of Terror; The Current HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…THE SHEIK!!!”
The boos thunder down from above. The Sheik runs over and slugs Syberus while he’s handing his ring robe to back-up Hardkore Ring Crew Andy Valentine Jr.
Hardkore West Coast Championship
Guillermo O’Bannon: This match is underway!
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik doesn’t get paid by the hour. I imagine it’s by tossing a bag of gold coins in his direction and then backing away slowly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik dives for Syberus’ legs, but Syberus moves away just in time. He tries it again, but again Syberus avoids it.
Syberus goes for a double leg takedown and gets it. He tries to capitalize, but Sheik pushed him off with his boot. Syberus backs away with caution, while Sheik glares at the audience. The Footprint Center jeers back at him, but Sheik is busy conferring with Malcolm Xavier Graves
Phillip Blauer: Sheik getting some good counsel there from MXG.
The Sheik fakes a lock up and grabs Syberus by the hair. He tries to throw him into the corner, but Syberus blocks it with his boot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus smashes Sheik’s face into the turnbuckle! Again!
Syberus bashes Sheik’s face into the turnbuckle for a third time, and then kicks Sheik in the shins
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus hits Sheik with a kick to the knee, and then cracks him with another hard kick to his shin.
Sheik hits Syberus with a punch to his midsection, but Syberus answers with a fast kick to his kneecap
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik punches him in the stomach and runs into the ropes, but Syberus basement dropkicks his knees out from under him!
The audience cheers as Sheik holds his knee, and kicks his toes into the mat with frustration. Syberus motions for him to stand up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik gets up but gets hip tossed across the ring!
Syberus pulls down his knee pad. He spread eagles Sheik’s legs and then kneedrops the side of Sheik’s knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus with the Muscle Killer to Sheik’s knee! He usually focuses on the arm, but he looks to be trying to take out the wheels of the high flying Sheik.
The Phoenix fans applaud as Sheik clutches his knee some more. Syberus pulls him up, but Sheik comes up swinging with a punch to the gut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus snap mares Sheik over his shoulder to the mat. Malcolm Xavier Graves is on the apron!
Phillip Blauer: I imagine it’s tough to get advice to his client with how loud it is in here. He should consider an IFB earpiece, I love mine. People talk to me in and say things like “Phil, you’re ignoring the action.” or “Phil, the show ended two hours ago, they need to lock the place up”...
Adrian Tanner Sr. gets up on the kitty cornered part of the apron and takes a swing at Malcolm Xavier Graves, while Graves threatens the old man with his cane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tanner’s old man has some of The Arizona Assassin in him! Syberus goes after MXG, but he drops back to the floor!
Syberus turns his attention back to Sheik, and irish whips him but Sheik reverses it and shoots him chest first into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik catches the backpedaling Syberus with a back suplex.
The Sheik pulls him up by the hair and punches him a couple times in the stomach. He grabs a side headlock and the Arizona fans boo
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik taking a page out of Syberus’ playbook.
Phillip Blauer: Not so fun when he does it, is it?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus lifts him up onto his shoulder with a back suplex of his own, but Sheik flips and lands on his feet behind him.
Sheik grabs him in a rear waistlock, but Syberus does a go behind and grabs a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus lifts him up in a german suplex, but The Sheik tucks his head and rolls forward, grabbing Syberus’ legs for a victory roll!
…ONE!
…Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus rolls to his feet and kicks a rising Sheik in the head. He grabs him in a front facelock.
A standing Syberus leans back on the front facelock as Sheik searches for escape. Malcolm Xavier Graves yells at Pee Wee Richardson that it’s a choke
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus cranking back in that front facelock, cutting off The Sheik’s air. Syberus has had quite the history here in Phoenix. He lost two Hardkore World Heavyweight Championships here, one to Marty in October of 2022, the other to Andrew Karnage in a dog collar match back in February of 2008. In June of 2006, he went to a time limit draw with Robert Hunglestien III in a steel cage match. In August of 2005, he successfully defended his Hardkore World Light Heavyweight title over Blak Lung.
Syberus positions himself behind Sheik and grabs a full nelson. He locks his fingers together behind Sheik’s neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus drives Sheik butt first into the mat with a full nelson drop!
Syberus pops up to the mat and gives an angry MXG a grin. Syberus sticks his knees into Sheik’s stomach, and grinds his forearm into his cheekbone
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus sawing that forearm across Sheik’s face, while not allowing him to draw a breath with those knees on top of his stomach.
Richie Richardson warns Syberus to get off of him, and gives him till a five count to do it. Undeterred, Richie finally has to pulls Syberus off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus makes a cover with his stomach over Sheik’s face so he can’t breathe.
…ONE!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus applies the udi garami wristlock to Sheik’s arm. He pushes his weight down on Sheik’s wrist, while twisting his elbow at a very painful angle.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks Sheik if he wants to tap out but he shakes his head. Malcom Xavier Graves yells at him to get to the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik finally able to hook his free arm around the ropes, and Richardson forces Syberus to release the udi garami.
Syberus pulls him up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes. Sheik ducks a clothesline and Syberus hits the other side of the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik kicks Syberus in the stomach, and lifts him up into a tigerbomb!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus claps his legs together on The Sheik’s head!
Syberus rolls out of the ring, holding the back of his head. The Sheik steps through the ropes out onto the apron, and hops down to the floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves hands Sheik a chair
Phillip Blauer: Now we’re cooking with gas! Which was a real luxory when I was a kid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik clubs Syberus in the head with a steel chair!!
The audience lets out a loud “OH!” at the sound of the chair hitting Syberus in the head and then boo. The Sheik sets the chair up and pulls Syberus up. He punches him a few times, and then sits him in the chair leaning him against the railing. He slides back into the ring and hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik dives through the ropes into a plancha onto Syberus sitting in the chair against the guardrail!!
The Footprint Center rocks with boos as Sheik and Syberus lie on the floor. The Sheik picks the chair up and tosses it over the ropes into the ring, and rolls under the ropes back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus crawls back into the ring, but The Sheik jams the top of that chair into his stomach! He waffles Syberus in the back with the chair!
Syberus arches his back in pain. He staggers up, but The Sheik rams the top of the chair into his stomach again, causing him to stumble back into the corner. The Sheik sets up the chair in front of him, then changes his mind and picks it up again
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik just hurls that chair into Syberus’ face!!
The audience boos as Syberus just teeters in the corner. Now Sheik sets the chair up in front of him and backs into the opposite corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik runs and vaults off that chair into a heel kick in the corner but nobody is home!
The Phoenix fans come to life! Syberus tries to grab the second rope to pull himself up but his hand slips and he falls back to the mat from dizziness
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik should have done that when he had the chance. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik just felt like chucking that chair at him instead. Sheik staggers up but Syberus lifts him up into an atomic drop and then drops him on the standing chair!!
The fans cheer and referee Richie Richardson picks up the chair with the bent seat and tosses it out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pulls him up into an inverted facelock and drops down into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs The Sheik’s arm and falls back into a cross armbar. He sits up and falls back on that arm, trying to pull it out of it’s socket.
The Sheik rolls to his feet, and punches his way out of the cross armbar with his free hand.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik escapes the cross armbar, but runs right into an arm drag. Syberus pulls him up and irish whips him into the ropes, but The Sheik hops onto the middle rope and jumps back into a springboard elbow!
The crowd jeers. Syberus sits up and The Sheik stomps him in the back of the head. He scoops him up and bodyslams him, then steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls on the top rope and catapults himself into a senton, but Syberus puts his knees up!
The audience pops. Syberus pulls him up into a side headlock, and the crowd roars
Phillip Blauer: This thing? Come on! How much for him to do something else?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus locks that headlock on, no one in modern wrestling is as good as he is at still attempting it.
Malcolm Xavier Graves pounds on the mat. Syberus pops his hips and takes Sheik down with a headlock takedown
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus locks his hands together and constricts Sheik’s head like a vice. He first won the Hardkore West Coast Championship from Zack Daniels when he was Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion in a title vs. title match in LA on September 15th, 2005. He won it again on March 27th, 2012 in an eight way elimination match in Albuquerque.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I’m sure he was proud of that one. That was when he booked himself against seven jobbers for the vacant title. He was a mad King. Mad I tell you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus continues to grind that headlock on The Sheik on the mat. The Sheik first won the Hardkore West Coast Championship on August 12th 2022 in the same city as Syberus, Los Angeles, nearly 17 years later, in a threeway with “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar and Natalie Burrows. A year later, on August 18, 2023 he defeated Simon Cruise in Denver for his second Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Syberus sits to put more pressure on the headlock, peeling up on Sheik’s head and neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik has now battled back up to his feet, with Syberus still hanging onto that headlock, trying to twist Sheik’s head off like a bottle cap.
Syberus tightens up the pressure on Sheik’s head, until The Sheik reaches up and scratches Syberus’ eyes with his fingernails
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik irish whips Syberus into the corner. He follows him in with a hurcanrana, but Syberus hangs onto the top rope so Sheik goes down hard alone!
Sheik smacks the back of his head, clutching it. The fans cheer and Syberus goes over and grabs Sheik’s hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus bending back Sheik’s fingers as far as they go!
Phillip Blauer: He’s trying to break his chair swinging fingers!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus sits on his back and applies Sheik’s own Accolade camel clutch on him!
The crowd lets out a monster pop and Syberus keeps telling Richie Richardson to ask Sheik if he wants to give up. The Sheik does a push up, but Syberus sits back and cinches in The Accolade tighter. Malcolm Xavier Graves yells at Sheik to hold on
Phillip Blauer: Syberus needs to get his own finish. Now that every Tom, Dick, and Harry is doing The Pure Confidence, he has to boost Sheik’s finish?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus locks his fingers together, while Sheik continues to refuse to submit to Rickie “Pee Wee” Richardson!
Malcolm Xavier Graves jumps onto the apron to protest and Richie Richardson goes over to tell him to get down
Phillip Blauer: Let him speak, Richie!
The Arizona crowd boos loudly. Syberus looks back at the commotion while The Sheik begins to slip out of the camel clutch
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik powers out of The Accolade and gets to his feet! He rams an elbow into Syberus’ bread basket. He knees Syberus in the groin!
Phillip Blauer: Look, I know low…
Guillermo O’Bannon: No argument here.
Phillip Blauer: …and that looked to be just above the belt to me. Syberus is just being a baby per usual.
The jeers get loud as Syberus clutches his balls, and The Sheik steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik jumps off with a flying leg lariat off the top rope that knocks Syberus over the ropes to the floor below!!
The audience boos as Sheik steps through the ropes and hops onto the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The 20 year veteran Syberus gets out of there, but Sheik hops back up to the apron.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Malcolm Xavier Graves jaws with Syberus, while Sheik stands on the apron waiting for him to turn around. Adrian Tanner Sr. pulls Graves back and threatens him with a right hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs and somersault sentons Syberus off the apron!!
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) 20 year veteran…Sheik got the drop on him, baby.
The fans continue to heckle MXG and boo Sheik as he calls his manager over. Graves nods and then goes and grabs a steel chair. Malcolm jogs over and hands The Sheik the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik chucks that steel chair at Syberus’s skull!!
The sound of the chair ringing off of Syberus’ head rings throughout The Footprint Center, replaced by the wincing of the crowd
Phillip Blauer: Syberus is bleeding like a fountain!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs Syberus by the hair and tosses him over the railing into the front row!!
Sheik stands up on the apron and launches himself into a crossbody that knocks Syberus into the third row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus and The Sheik now out in the third row of The Footprint Center here. The Sheik picks up another chair and cracks Syberus in the head with it!!
The Phoenix crowd yells “OH!!” at the impact of the chair, and a bleeding Syberus drops to the floor. He crawls over fans’ laps and grabs a cup of beer from a goateed fan in a Simon Cruise t-shirt
Phillip Blauer: This is better access than you get most shows.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus smashes Sheik in the face with the beer!!
Phillip Blauer: He probably waited in line for 25 minutes for that beer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs a chair and smashes him with it so hard that Sheik’s head goes through the seat!!
The crowd cheers as Sheik collapses with the chair around his neck. Syberus grabs another chair it up beside them. He pulls a woozy Sheik into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus turns Sheik into a swinging neckbreaker that brings the back of Sheik’s head down onto the back of that chair!!
The fans roar and chant “SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!!” while a now busted open Sheik clutches the back of his neck, kicking his heels into the floor in agony
Phillip Blauer: Now The Sheik is bleeding too!
Syberus pulls Sheik over to the railing and then climbs over himself. He grabs Sheik’s arm and then flips him over the guardrail with an ipponzei judo toss
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus goes for a suplex but Malcolm Xavier Graves whacks him in the back of the knee with that cane!!
The Footprint Center rocks with boos. The Sheik lifts a crimson masked Syberus up in suplex, and drops his groin on the security rail and the hatred from the Phoenix fans is resounding. Syberus crumples to the floor while Malcolm Xavier Graves helps The Sheik set up a table against the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik picks Syberus up by his hair…
Phillip Blauer: Which is stained pink! Quite a sight.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik smashes Syberus’ face into the table against the railing! He rolls Syberus back into the ring and follows him in. He wraps up Syberus’ arm and applies a Le Bell lock!
The jeers are loud as the lacerated Sheik locks his hands together and pulls up on Syberus’ face, while leaning back on his arm. Adrian Tanner Sr. pounds on the apron, rooting Syberus on. On the other side of the ring, Malcolm Xavier Graves keeps telling Richie Richardson that Syberus has given up,
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has grabbed the bottom rope with his one free arm!
The Sheik pulls him up by the bloody hair, and irish whips him into the ropes, but Syberus ducks a clothesline. He applies a half nelson hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: European Three Quarter Nelson!! Syberus pushes down on the back of Sheik’s neck while chicken winging his arm.
Sheik shakes his bloody head, refusing to give up. He backs Syberus into the corner and smashes him into the turnbuckles. Syberus pops Sheik in the face, and then starts laying into him with elbows
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus irish whips Sheik into the corner and follows in, but Sheik backdrops him over the ropes to the floor below!
Malcolm Xavier Graves puts the boots to Syberus, and the crowd lets him have it. Then he helps The Sheik pull Syberus up by the hair and lean him against the table standing against the guardrail. The Sheik stands up on the apron and measures him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik with an asai moonsault on Syberus leaning against the table against the security rail!!
The table breaks and both men lie on the ground in a heap, bleeding on the floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls the broken table pieces away from The Sheik as he recovers. He rolls Syberus back into the ring and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik comes off with a flying leg drop across the face of Syberus!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
The Sheik pulls him up into a single underhook, and then drills Syberus’ face into the mat, leaving a blood stain on the canvas
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik returns the favor by delivering The Pure Confidence on Syberus!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- Syberus gets his foot on the bottom rope
Greg Jin: “Twenty Nine Minutes Have Elapsed. 1 Minute Remaining!”
The audience sighs with relief. Malcolm Xavier Graves shouts instructions and The Sheik steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik slingshots himself over the ropes into a cross body, but Syberus catches him with a diamond cutter!!
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Remaining!!”
The Phoenix crowd leaps to their feet! Syberus grabs him from behind in a cobra clutch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus drops Sheik down across his knee with a cobra clutch backbreaker!!
Everyone is standing as Syberus pulls The Sheik up into a single underhook. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets a tight shot of Syberus’ elated face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik backdrops Syberus over, reversing The Pure Confidence!
Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. signals for the bell and the audience boos the result as the realization creeps over them
Greg Jin: “Ladies and Gentleman, the 30 minute time limit has expired. Referee Richie Richardson has ruled this match…A DRAW!”
The jeers get louder and louder as both men lie in the ring, exhausted.
Phillip Blauer: Well, Syberus couldn’t get it done.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus looks frustrated, wiping the blood from his face.
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik doesn’t look very happy either.
The Sheik keeps trying to go after Syberus but Malcolm Xavier Graves holds him back. Adrian Tanner Sr. tries to console Syberus, but he asks for the house mic from Greg Jin. Jin walks over and hands it to him
Syberus: “Sheik!! I’m not satisfied with that and I know neither are you! Just give me 5 more minutes, and I know I can beat you!”
The crowd cheers and Malcolm Xavier Graves shakes his head, refusing the offer. But The Sheik is nodding his head
Phillip Blauer: I’m with MXG, nowhere is it written that Syberus should get everything he wants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus trained hard for this and so did The Sheik, and neither man is satisfied with a tie.
Phillip Blauer: These are the rules we have all agreed to. We used to live in a society!
The audience is voicing their approval. The Sheik pushes Malcolm Xavier Graves a little and nods towards referee Richie Richardson. Richardson shrugs and signals to Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. to ring the bell
Phillip Blauer: What are you doing, Richie??
Guillermo O’Bannon: This match is back on, for a 5 minute sudden death period! Syberus runs and takes out Syberus with a slingblade!
A frustrated Malcolm Xavier Graves is back at ringside and slides a chair under the bottom rope into the ring. The Sheik picks up the chair and jams the edge of it into Syberus’ lower back
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik crashes down on Syberus’ spine with that chair again!
Phillip Blauer: Why not, this whole thing is a farce now.
Malcolm Xavier Graves yells some instructions, and The Sheik rolls Syberus over onto his back. He climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik flips into a moonsault that crashes down across Syberus’ chest!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus gets his foot on the bottom rope!
The Sheik picks Syberus up by the hair and irish whips him into the turnbuckles. He takes that chair and sets it up in the corner in front of Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs at him, steps up on the chair and zeroes in with a heel kick that knocks Syberus over the rope to the floor below!
The Phoenix fans boo. Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls a table out from underneath the ring and sets it up at ringside. The Sheik steps through the ropes out onto the floor. He picks up Syberus by the hair, and he and Graves pick up Syberus and load him on a table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves better keep his hands to himself, he is not a participant in this match.
Phillip Blauer: Mr. Graves has a manager’s license which is more than I can say for the octogenarian Syberus brought down to the ring as back up.
Adrian Tanner Sr. walks over and pushes Graves from behind, knocking him to the floor. The Sheik shoves violently shoves Tanner to the ground. The vitriol from the Arizona audience is deafening. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and his team have to quickly block several fans from jumping the barricade
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey! That is completely uncalled for!
Phillip Blauer: Completely agree. That silver haired fox has not right to put his hands on Malcolm Xavier Graves. The man walks with a cane for crying out loud!
Guillermo O’Bannon: A blood covered Syberus sits up from that table and rocks The Sheik with right hand after right hand!
The Footprint Center is on their feet as Syberus bludgeons a surprised Sheik with a flurry of punches, until he lies The Sheik on the table instead
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik sits up, but Syberus brains him with a chair, knocking him back to the table!!
The audience chants “SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!!” and Syberus rolls into the ring and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus jumps off the top turnbuckle and comes down with a flying elbow to The Sheik on the table on the floor!!
The audience lets out a loud “OH!!” and then celebrate with “SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!!” chants. Both men are now bleeding, lying in a broken table
Phillip Blauer: Typical Syberus hot doggery could be the difference maker, they are running out of his extra 5 minutes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus rolls Sheik back into the ring and then follows him in. The Sheik gets to his knees and throws a punch at an oncoming Syberus. Syberus answers with a european uppercut of his own. They’ve got nothing left!
A kneeling Sheik jabs Syberus in the stomach, but Syberus responds with another stiff european uppercut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus backs up and running boots The Sheik with the last of his strength!!
A grisly Syberus lies on the mat, bleeding on the canvas while The Sheik is out cold
Phillip Blauer: Syberus doesn’t have any strength remaining to cash in!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men, lying motionless on the mat!
A nervous looking Richie Richardson looks at Greg Jin and Carl Valentine Jr., looking for them to tell him what to do. He finally shrugs and starts doing a double count. The Footprint Center counts along with him
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Syberus rolls to his side, with blood leaking like a faucet on the mat
FOUR!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It appears the first man to his feet will be the Hardkore West Coast Champion!
FIVE!
The Sheik is lying still, Malcolm Xavier Graves is yelling at him to wake up. Syberus has sat up
SIX!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has gotten up slightly while The Sheik has finally moved for the first time since that big boot!
SEVEN!
Adrian Tanner Sr. leads the Phoenix crowd in urging Syberus to his feet, MXG does the same.
EIGHT!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has pulled himself to his knees from the ropes, as The Sheik is now trying to stand in vain.
NINE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus is on his feet!
TEN!!!
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and the crowd leaps to their feet. “Battleflag” by Lo Fidelity Allstars plays and Adrian Tanner Sr. brings the Hardkore West Coast Championship
Greg Jin: “At 34 minutes 35 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND ONCE AGAIN HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus beat the count in a sudden death overtime period, and made history by becoming the first ever three time Hardkore West Coast Champion!
Adrian Tanner Sr. hands a bleeding Syberus the Hardkore West Coast Championship. Syberus holds it up high for the cheering fans. Malcolm Xavier Graves helps The Sheik out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a comeback! These two fought to a thrilling time limit draw, and then literally gave it all they had! And now Syberus stands tall with the Hardkore West Coast title!
A crimson masked Syberus stands on the second turnbuckle, soaking in the roar of the Phoenix crowd with the Hardkore West Coast title belt strapped around his waist
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Open on a shot of Hardkore intern Andy Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. on either side of a ladder, hanging the Hardkore World Tag Team titles on the hooks over the ring. Ringside, there are several ladders set up
Phillip Blauer: Those cretins better watch it with my titles. I paid good money for those.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Welcome back fans, and we are setting up for the ladder match for the Hardkore World Tag Team titles, that yes, Phil paid Marty Donovan and Alexander Von Blankenship to take off of The End.
“No Way Out” by Jefferson Starship plays and The Footprint Center jeers. Bobby Nowa and “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan walk out from behind the curtain and stop to survey the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan did not appreciate the disgusting comments AVB made about Steve Awesome, calling them a pathetic trick.
They both slowly walk to the ring. Anthony Jordan gives his goofy grin and drinks in the jeers while Bobby Nowa makes no acknowledgement of them. A fan holds up a sign that says “Nowa They Win This Match”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan says they are the number one contenders for the Hardkore World Tag Team titles, not only by virtue of their win over Marty Donovan and Callum Cornwall in Los Angeles, but because of who they are and what they have accomplished over the long span of both their careers.
Phillip Blauer: Look, I love these two knuckleheads. But no, absolutely not. Sorry, Charlie. They are not taking my tag team titles.
Anthony Jordan gets to the ring and plays to the booing fans while Bobby Nowa stares down at the entrance, psyching himself up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan isn’t a big fan of ladder matches as they don’t suit his skill set, but will take any shot at the Hardkore World Tag Team titles he can get.
Yolanda Ando: Bobby Nowa wears black boots, dark green and white tights, with a matching headband, with a Pretzel Day graphic t-shirt. Anthony Jordan wears black and yellow long tights with black boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Anthony Jordan believes that Kilroy is on a cold streak, and that Karnage has been off for too long, and that could be the opening that Nowa Out has to win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships.
Jordan walks back to his corner and starts making last minute plans with Bobby Nowa, pointing at the ladder in the ring
Greg Jin: “The following Ladder Match is for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from the Mississippi Gulf Coast; Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 200 pounds…’THE ROLE MODEL’ ANTHONY JORDAN!! His partner is from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 235 pounds…BOBBY NOWA!! They are NOWA OUT!!!”
The Footprint Center boos as Anthony Jordan can’t believe it. An unbothered Bobby Nowa tosses his t-shirt to Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr.
Then the funky bass line of "Death By Suplex" starts up and the lights in The Footprint Center flicker in time to the pulsing beat, golds and blues. When the lyrics start up, Andrew Karnage and Kilroy Evans walk out. Karnage with a half-smile on his face while Kilroy is looking relaxed
Phillip Blauer: I don’t get it. I took this guy’s Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and he still looks like they put an extra potato wedge in his zucchini sticks.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy is just happy to be back with his best friend, Andrew Karnage.
Phillip Blauer: I tried to destroy this guy on the same night his best friend happens to come back to him? Why do bad things happen to nice people?
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re talking…
Phillip Blauer: About myself, obviously!
Kilroy walks down to the ring, slapping hands with the familiar fans from over the years. Andrew Karnage idly slaps hands with the fans as he walks to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage is nervous about whether or not he has it anymore. His last match was a time limit draw with “Sexy” Anjanette Turner in June of 2022 in San Diego. He’s had a lot of time off lately, and doesn’t want to have a bad showing in front of these loyal Hardkore fans.
Phillip Blauer: These people can go pound sand. Look, everyone deserves a night off, especially in Phoenix. It’s America’s Night Off. Like take me for example, I haven’t added one helpful thing tonight on commentary. Sometimes you just have to treat yourself, Gumby.
Toulouse the Masseuse: This is true, you work too hard Monsieur Phillipe.
Phillip Blauer: Only you know the true me, Toulouse the Masseuse.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage says the only way to know if he still has it, is by trying to decapitate people with clotheslines and ladders again. The Miracle Violence Combination II have held the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship twice before, and look to become the first three time champions in Hardkore history.
Kilroy Evans takes time time to talk to the fans, and point out the signs like “Da Mang Has Returned”, “AK-47”, “Marty’s A Piece Of Philth”,, “Kilroy Was Robbed”, “Ain’t Very Bright” in AVB’s font, “Tanner Country”, “The Miracle Violence Combination Is Back, Baby”, “Farty Marty”, “RIP Steve Awesome”, “Nowa They Win”, “My Boy Kilroy”, and “The Head Dropping Uncle”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy says he’s not upset about losing the X Crown to Ozymandias at Supremacy in Minneapolis or the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship to Florida Man in LA. He’s annoyed that he lost them once again after being betrayed by a friend, namely Marty Donovan again.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t forget me, I betrayed him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, you pretty much lived up to your billing. But Kilroy says you, Marty and AVB have crossed a line this time. This, he can’t ignore.
Phillip Blauer: Like his stationary bike.
Andrew Karnage slides under the bottom rope and throws up a sign language K to the roar of the crowd. Once Kilroy Evans is in the ring, he's still all smiles, but is completely focused on Bobby Nowa and Anthony Jordan now.
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy is wearing a white “MVCII” t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. Andrew Karnage is a bulky muscular, quite defined, tanned dirty blond. He’s got a glorious beard, with a phoenix tattoo on his left pectoral muscle, a Grim Reaper holding a Cerberus over the word “KARNAGE” tattooed on his left bicep, on his right arm is the Japanese kanji is written “OGRE WITH A BIG STICK” inside a stylized Horde Emblem. An “OBEY GIANT” star tattoo is on the inside of his right forearm.
Phillip Blauer: Down, girl.
Yolanda Ando: (rolls her eyes) Andrew Karnage is wearing shorts style tights, blue with white and gold on the edges, a stylized white Mushroom Cloud on the ass with two crossing AK-47s in the burst. White with gold and blue around the edges kneepads and white Bret Hart style boots with blue toes and heels.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans and Andrew Karnage ruled tag team wrestling in the 2000s, and want to see if they can do it again.
Kilroy locks eyes on Nowa, barely blinking as he stares at him.
Greg Jin: “From Hurricane, Utah. He stands 6 feet 5 inches tall, and Weighs 265 pounds; The Head Droppin Uncle, The Utah Frankenstein, He provides Death By Suplex…ANDREW KARNAGE!!!” His partner is from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds; The Attbury Assassin…KILROY EVANS!! They are THE MIRACLE VIOLENCE COMBINATION II!!!”
The audience roars as Karnage throws up the K sign again. Phil boos them from the announce position
Phillip Blauer: Boo!! Boooo!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil!
“Top That” from The Teen Witch Soundtrack plays and a thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is this song?
Phillip Blauer: I took the liberty of buying the rights to the Philthy Animals theme music. This song I feel really epitomizes the attitude I want the Philthy Animals to have. Like “Top that. I don’t really give uh, about tryin to top that.” Like from the streets.
Marty Donovan and Alexander Von Blankenship step out from behind the curtain. AVB has a cocky smirk while Marty looks a little embarrassed to be wearing wrestling slacks adorned with Phil’s face. The Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship is wrapped around Donovan’s waist. Hasbulla walks out blowing his whistle angrily at Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What are those pants??
Phillip Blauer: I also took the liberty of designing Marty’s pants. They’re Wrestling Slacks. I think they’re gonna be a big hit at the merch tables. “For the good hand, who wants to be good with the ladies as well.”
Toulouse the Masseuse: I like this. I also like the little man.
Phillip Blauer: Say the word and he’s yours.
Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship said some horrible things about the recently departed Steve Awesome that were really disgusting.
Phillip Blauer: Look, the guy just works for me. I can’t control every dumb thing the kid says. The important thing is he’ll do anything to get noticed and he even more than that for money.
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring he points to random fans, stating loudly "I'm better than you" as he goes. Marty sort of shrugs behind him. Hasbulla swats Donovan in the butt to keep moving
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty explains he had to do it because losing his Disney money would cause too big a hit to his opulent lifestyle. Imagine betraying a friend over a country club membership?
Phillip Blauer: You don’t get it. Once you’ve been on those lush greens and hobnobbed with retired hospital administrators and current hospital administrators?! There’s no going back. Behind all those pastel golf shirts beats a heart that would sell their mother for those dues. But I’m sure it’s the same way at the place you go to where you have to putt the ball into the clown’s mouth, yes?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan has great memories of the last time he was here in Phoenix, it was when he won his first Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Syberus in October of 2022. Before that was February of 2008 when he lost a match for the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight title to the late great Adrian Tanner Jr. A year earlier in 2006, he teamed with Tanner and Kilroy to defend the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles from Black Wallstreet and the Future World Order in a falls count anywhere elimination match.
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping Marty before he steps on them, Von Blankenship gives the ring the sign of the cross blessing. Marty sighs and nods, then enters the ring, being careful not to get too close to anyone. Alexander Von Blankenship climbs the outside turnbuckle. AVB looks towards the entire Phoenix crowd and yells out "Always Very Blessed!!" before jumping down into the ring. Hasbulla blows his whistle at Kilroy, who is staring at Marty. Karnage is nodding at a smug Alexander Von Blankenship. Anthony Jordan murmurs into Bobby Nowa’s ear
Yolanda Ando: Marty is wearing those ridiculous yellow wrestling slacks with Phil’s face on them, with Bryan Danielson style boots with kick pads. He’s got the floating lantern from Disney's Tangled tattooed on his heart.
Phillip Blauer: Yowsers, gonna need to get that covered up before the next round of Hardkore action figures hit the streets.
Yolanda Ando: Alexander Von Blankenship is wearing dark blue Adidas sweat pants, with his hands taped like a boxer, with “AVB” written across the knuckles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have very different reasons for being Phil’s employees, but Andrew Karnage and Kilroy do not care. Nor do Bobby Nowa and Anthony Jordan for that matter. The Miracle Violence Combination II want their blood, and Nowa Out want their Hardkore World Tag Team titles. So these two have to work as a unit to keep them.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents are accompanied to the ring by Hasbulla; Hailing from Amsterdam in The Netherlands; He stands 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds, He is Hell’s Spawn, The Bastard’s Son…ALWAYS VERY BLESSED, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!! His partner is from Cheshire, Connecticut, Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 218 pounds; He is One Half of the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Champions… MARTY DONOVAN!! They are the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE PHILTHY ANIMALS!!!”
The Footprint Center rocks with boos! Alexander Von Blankenship raises his fist to their hatred and smiles
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship
Kilroy runs after Marty, but Donovan hightails it to the floor.
Phillip Blauer: Careful! He almost ripped the slacks. They’re a prototype!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan catches a distracted Kilroy from behind with a back suplex!
Phillip Blauer: Just like that, he can get you.
The audience boos. Andrew Karnage grabs Alexander Von Blankenship in a muay thai clinch, and then throws a knee at his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage with another knee to AVB’s face, and another. These two have a history, Von Blankenship eliminated Andrew Karnage in his debut match in the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Tournament in Palm Springs in May of 2022.
Phillip Blauer: Many people think AVB is what broke Andrew Karnage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You think that. Anthony Jordan irish whips Kilroy into Bobby Nowa who back body drops him into the lights!
Kilroy lands and sits up from the impact. Bobby Nowa hits Andrew Karnage with a hard chop getting a “Woo!” from the audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage and Bobby Nowa had it out 20 years ago, and now they are picking up where they left off! Andrew Karnage responds with a clubbing vader forearm!
Nowa’s head rocks back from the impact, but he comes back with another blistering knife edge chop to Karnage’s glistening pectorals
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, why does Karnage look better now than he did in 2008?
Guillermo O’Bannon: We don’t hassle people by asking for their pee pee. Andrew Karnage bashes Nowa with another stiff forearm!
Anthony Jordan pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up but AVB pokes him in the eye. Bobby Nowa smacks Karnage in the chest with another hard chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: AK-47 hits Nowa with another forearm, and then head and arm suplexes him across the ring!
The Phoenix crowd erupts. Von Blankenship scoops Anthony Jordan up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker. Marty Donovan hops up onto the apron, and then slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan springboard front missile dropkicks Andrew Karnage and Anthony Jordan!!
The crowd boos. AVB goes to pick up Nowa, but Bobby takes him over into an over the shoulder judo toss
Donovan goes to kick a rising Kilroy but Evans catches his leg, popping The Footprint Center. Marty tries to talk Kilroy off the ledge
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think any Desert News Hawk sweeps piece is going to get him out of this one!
Phillip Blauer: Wait till I add haunting cello music!
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Donovan swings around with an enzuigiri kick to Kilroy’s ear!
The fans let out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Marty’s boot hitting Kilroy’s skull. Meanwhile, Anthony Jordan grabs a side headlock on Andrew Karnage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa applies an armbar on Alexander Von Blankenship. On the other side of the ring, “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan grinds that headlock on Karnage.
Marty tries to pull Evans up, but drops to his knee and snap mares Marty over. Nowa sticks his knee into Von Blankenship’s shoulder and clamps down on the armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Alexander Von Blankenship was in Phoenix he was in another threeway.
Phillip Blauer: Hey Yooo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it was October of 2022, when he beat Ruben Bowman and Tuxedo Mask in a threeway to win a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Championship. Anthony Jordan pops his hips and takes Andrew Karnage over into a side headlock takedown. Meanwhile, Kilroy Evans applies a stump puller to Marty Donovan.
Bobby Nowa tries to rip AVB’s arm out of its socket with that armbar. Andrew Karnage works his way back up to his feet, but Anthony Jordan does a go behind into a chicken wing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy pulls Marty Donovan up by the ankles while he sits on the back of his neck. Jordan cinches up that hammerlock on Andrew Karnage’s arm.
Phillip Blauer: Evans really putting that KFC family bucket-made bottom on the back of Marty’s neck, isn’t he?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship works his way to his feet with Bobby Nowa hanging onto that armbar. He uses his free arm to scoop Nowa up and drop him on his knee with a backbreaker.
Kilroy Evans pulls Marty Donovan to his feet and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan comes back with a slingblade to take down Kilroy Evans!
Alexander Von Blankenship rolls out of the ring and grabs a ladder that is standing up at ringside. Inside the ring, Anthony Jordan goes for a suplex, but Karnage blocks it, popping the Phoenix fans
Phillip Blauer: I will say, Karnage standing very patiently for Anthony Jordan to stop trying to suplex him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage lifts Anthony Jordan up into a stalling vertical suplex!
The crowd roars as Andrew Karnage holds Jordan up in the suplex. AVB slides the ladder under the ropes into the ring. Karnage begins to motion for more noise and the Phoenix fans oblige. Karnage positions Jordan in front of the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage finally drops Anthony Jordan to the ladder with that textbook suplex!!
The audience lets out another collective “OH!” at the sound of Anthony Jordan landing on that ladder that rings through The Footprint Center
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan kicks Jordan off of the ladder, and rolls Kilroy onto it instead.
Phillip Blauer: Quit hogging the ladder, Tony!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan hits the ropes, but Kilroy rolls off the ladder and drop toeholds Donovan face first into the ladder!!
The audience erupts and Marty clutches his face in pain. He rolls out of the ring to recover into the arms of Alexander Von Blankenship at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulls Anthony Jordan up into a headlock, but Jordan lifts him up into a shinbreaker atomic drop.
Evans hobbles a few feet, and then falls through the ropes out onto the floor. Andrew Karnage picks up the ladder and leans it into the corner. He pulls Nowa up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage goes to irish whip Nowa but Bobby reverses it and shoots Karnage into the ladder in the corner!
The fans boo. Bobby Nowa takes the ladder and places it against Karnage’s face and chest. He backs up into the other corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa gets a running start and stinger splashes that ladder into Andrew Karnage’s chest!
The jeers get louder for Bobby Nowa. But then, on the floor, Kilroy Evans stumbles over and grabs a scared Marty Donovan by the hair
Phillip Blauer: Oh no! He’s got him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Alexander Von Blankenship comes up from behind and kicks Kilroy in the back of the knee. Another swift kick to his knee on the floor. Inside the ring, Anthony Jordan scoops Karnage up and drops him on his knee with a backbreaker.
Outside the ring, Alexander Von Blankenship whacks Kilroy Evans with some chops on the floor, backing him against the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan holds Karnage in a front facelock while Bobby Nowa smashes his spine with double ax handles over and over.
Marty Donovan steps up to the apron, and then hops onto the middle of the second rope. He backflipped into an asai moonsault DDT that takes Kilroy Evans into the front row of the audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reedy Creek Racing!!
Phillip Blauer: One member of The Miracle Violence Combination II is getting the how-do-you do in the ring, while the other member is getting the ring-a-ding-ding out in the audience. I thought these guys were tag team savants?
Alexander Von Blankenship hops over the security rail to get into the front row. He starts kicking and stomping Kilroy Evans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Inside the ring, Anthony Jordan atomic drops Andrew Karnage into Bobby Nowa’s clothesline, that backs him up into a russian leg sweep by Jordan!!
Nowa Out hits Andrew Karnage with double elbow drops and gets jeers from the sold out Footprint Center. AVB continues to stomp Kilroy in the front row of the audience, while Marty Donovan yanks a chair away from a fan violently, sparking some jeers from the crowd. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. gets involved and holds the angry fan back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey!
Phillip Blauer: Is that hillbilly really ready to die over a folding chair??
Inside the ring, Anthony Jordan lifts the ladder up on its side. Out in the crowd, Marty Donovan sets up the chair in the second row of the audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the ring, Bobby Nowa atomic drops Karnage’s groin on the side of the ladder!
The Footprint Center rocks with boos as Andrew Karnage’s legs cross in agony. Hasbulla blows his whistle incessantly. Out in the second row, Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of AVB pulling Kilroy up into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Out in the crowd, Alexander Von Blankenship swinging neckbreakers the back of Kilroy’s head into the back of that chair!!
The Phoenix audience lets out another “OH!!” Kilroy Evans clutches the back of his head, stomping his heels into the floor in discomfort. In the ring, Nowa Out lays out the ladder, and pulls Andrew Karnage up into a double suplex position. They go for it, but Andrew Karnage blocks it, and the audience erupts
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage lifts Nowa Out up into a double gourdbuster on the chair!!
The Arizona fans jump up and down chanting “KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!!” as Nowa and Jordan hold their chests
Guillermo O’Bannon: These Phoenix fans love Andrew Karnage! He teamed with Arizona native, the late Adrian Tanner Jr. as The Un-Stable, winning the Hardkore World Tag Team titles together. The last time Andrew Karnage was in Phoenix was back in February of 2008 when he defeated Syberus for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in that legendary dog collar match. In June of 2006, he lost to James Fierce. In August of 2005, he and Adrian Tanner Jr. successfully defended the Hardkore World Tag Team titles over “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson and “The Punisher” Dan Stein in a steel cage match.
Outside in the crowd, Marty Donovan takes Kilroy out in the 5th row with a rolling wheel kick. Marty steps over the railing, into the ringside area, and then rolls back into the ring. Marty picks up the ladder and sets it up near the ropes. Andrew Karnage lifts Bobby Nowa up into a half nelson hammerlock and then drops him on the back of his head with a tiger suplex ‘85
Guillermo O’Bannon: White Tiger Suplex!!
Out in the crowd, AVB pulls Kilroy up by his hair in the 5th row while Donovan climbs to the top of the ladder
Phillip Blauer: Careful…don’t wreck the pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty jumps off the ladder in the ring with a somersault senton into the crowd, but Kilroy pulls Alexander Von Blankenship into his way!!
The Phoenix fans chant “KILROY!! KILROY!! KILROY!!” as all three of them lie in the 6th row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Inside the ring, Andrew Karnage applies a single leg boston crab on Anthony Jordan! He plants his feet and sits low, trying to hyperextend the knee of Anthony Jordan.
Out in the crowd, Kilroy Evans atomic drops AVB into a tree of woe on the railing, facing the audience. Inside the ring, Andrew Karnage steps on the back of Jordan’s neck, leaning all of his 263 pounds on his vertebrae
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans gets a running start and spears an upside down Alexander Von Blankenship against that railing out in the audience!!
The Phoenix fans cheer wildly. In the ring, Bobby Nowa comes up from behind and atomic drops Karnage to get him to release the single leg boston crab on Anthony Jordan. Nowa irish whips Andrew Karnage into the ropes and catches him with a belly to belly suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Bobby to Belly Suplex, but Andrew Karnage gets right back up!!
The crowd is deafening as Andrew Karnage wipes himself off and stares at a shocked Bobby Nowa
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Head Droppin Uncle picks him up in a front waistlock and belly to belly suplexes Bobby Nowa up and over his head!!
Karnage steps through the ropes out onto the floor. He goes over to the railing where AVB is still in the tree of woe in the crowd. He gets down on his stomach and applies a reverse chinlock through the railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage peeling back on the head and neck of Alexander Vob Blankenship through that guardrail. From his other side, Kilroy picks up a chair and jams the edge into AVB’s exposed stomach!
Von Blankenship holds his stomach and collapses to The Footprint Center floor. Kilroy politely asks three fans if he can borrow their chairs and they happily agree. Kilroy lays Marty across the three chairs as Karnage steps over the railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage lifts Kilroy up in a back suplex and then drops him so that he elbow drops Marty on the chairs!!
The fans cheer and chant “KILROY!! “KILROY!! “KILROY!!” and Kilroy high fives a few of them, while Andrew Karnage turns around and sees AVB leaning against the guardrail in the front row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy is very popular here in the Desert! The last time he was here was in October of 2022 when he defeated Poena, the Sanctified in an Arizona State Fair match.
Phillip Blauer: That “match” ran off a huge earner and probably cost us millions.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In February of 2008, he lost to Roscoe Law who just returned tonight. In June of 2006, he, along with Marty Donovan and the late Adrian Tanner successfully defended the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles from Black Wallstreet and the Future World Order in a falls count anywhere elimination match. In August of 2005, he defeated “The Saikyo Terrorist” Tatsuya Arakawa. In August of 2004, this is defeated his biggest rival, Death Gojira in the legendary bloodsoaked falls count anywhere match. Andrew Karnage gets a running start and yakuza kicks him up and over the railing to the ringside area!
The Phoenix fans cheer. Karnage steps over the railing back to ringside, when suddenly Anthony Jordan clips his knee from behind. The cheers turn to jeers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan pounding away on Karnage’s knee with several elbows.
Inside the ring, Bobby Nowa pulls down the ladder and lies it flat on the mat. Jordan pulls Karnage up by the hair and rolls him back into the ring to his awaiting partner Bobby Nowa.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa full nelsons Karnage into The Rosebud inverted russian leg sweep on the ladder!!
The boos are very loud as Karnage clutches his face and rolls out of the ring. Nowa stands up and looks at the Hardkore World Tag Team titles hanging over the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans catches Nowa from behind with a bulldog onto the ladder!!
The audience comes to life as Kilroy pulls the ladder up and sets it up under the Hardkore World Tag Team titles. He begins climbing up the ladder
Phillip Blauer: Where does he think he’s going?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy going for the gold!
Phillip Blauer: No! Captain Righteous?? Help!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan climbs up the other side and grabs Kilroy on the top with a front facelock. He hooks Kilroy’s arm, and then shows incredible power by suplexing him up and over off the ladder!!
The Footprint Center boos. Bobby Nowa begins walking up the ladder to claim the titles, so the jeers get louder and louder with every rung
Phillip Blauer: Marty! Earn your membership dues!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan, in fact, climbing up and hammers Bobby Nowa with some punches. He lifts Bobby up in a suplex of his own, but then drops his head on the top of the ladder in a brainbuster!!
Both men fall to the mat, exhausted. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets a shot of Alexander Von Blankenship seeing that, and getting an idea
Phillip Blauer: Yes, yes! AVB climb to the heavens!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy now climbing up the other side behind him!
Marty Donovan runs to the ladder but Andrew Karnage swings a club like lariat that knocks Donovan into a sprawled out position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nightmare Lariat!! Kilroy Evans drops Von Blankenship with The Bad Touch diamond cutter off the ladder!!
The audience leaps to their feet in jubilation. Andrew Karnage climbs up the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage grabs the belts!! We have new champions!
Phillip Blauer: What?? No!
Phil throws a bunch of 100s in the air in disgust as “Death by Suplex” by Powdered Wig Machine plays
Greg Jin: “At 25 minutes 16 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND ONCE AGAIN HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE MIRACLE VIOLENCE COMBINATION II!!!”
Andrew Karnage and Kilroy Evans celebrate with the belts in mid ring as the crowd is deafening.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Miracle Violence Combination II claim an unprecedented third Hardkore World Tag Team Championship!
Marty rolls out of the ring, AVB points at him to Phil behind Donovan’s back. Marty shrugs as he passes the announce position.
Phillip Blauer: I’m going to see what the refund policy is at this establishment.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage came out of retirement and becomes a five time Hardkore World Tag Team Champion! That’s the most times anyone has held the tag team belts in Hardkore World’s 35 year history. He wanted to see if he still had it and he does!
Karnage and Kilroy are out by the railing with the crowd, high fiving and hugging the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans gets some revenge from The Philthy Animals, taking their Hardkore World Tag Team titles like they took his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship here tonight in Phoenix, don’t go away we have The Philthy Animals’ Florida Man putting his Hardkore World Championship on the line against Simon Cruise here in the main event!
Scorpion stands in front of a giant warehouse.
Scorpion: “Just because I’m a professional in my day job doesn’t mean I completely hung up my freak flag. There’s time for work and play. That’s why I want to talk to you about Burt’s Butt Plug Emporium!”
The camera zooms out to show “Burt’s Butt Plug Emporium” in flashing neon flights. The shot changes to show Scorpion inside.
Scorpion: “Folks, you wouldn’t walk across the desert with no preparation and butt play isn’t any different. That doesn’t mean you need to go broke with the designer products! The common man’s butt plug will stretch you out as you stretch out your dollar at the register!”
The shot changes to Scorpion walking down the aisle.
Scorpion: “Lube, toys, reading material, and so many more products available for you to live your best life!”
The shot changes to Scorpion standing outside.
Scorpion: “You can see us from the Interstate! We’re on the corner of 45th and Long! If you see the inflatable gila monster, then you drove too far!”
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our big main event, new Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Florida Man won his belt in the LA Freeway match with Kilroy Evans, now he puts it on the line with the number one contender Simon Cruise.
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over The Footprint Center and the Arizona fans leap to their feet for the local boy. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launches himself into the audience on Robinson, his talking surfboard. If any of the Phoenix crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise earned this opportunity in Los Angeles when he defeated two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba. He says he had to, as he was a cancer on Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, that “cancer” got us growth in ratings and attendance. If that’s cancer, give me cancer!
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board. A waiter comes to the announce table with a plate with a metal cover. He lays it down on the announce desk
Phillip Blauer: Oooh, my dinner’s here.
Waiter: (lifts cover) Roasted goose, sir with chestnut stuffing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t Champagne and Alistar get nervous when they see you eat that?
Phillip Blauer: They’re swans, you racist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise was not happy that this match was in landlocked Phoenix…
Phillip Blauer: (mouth full of goose) This guy, he’s like the Bret Hart of beaches. Maybe we should just leave him home until we get back to the Coast? Just steams my beans…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise tried to fend off his coastal depression by taking a road trip with his close personal friend, Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr.
Phillip Blauer: (chewing) Jeez, crack a window.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Simon Cruise has decided he wants to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship for Kilroy Evans, who had it stolen from him by Alexander Von Blankenship, Marty Donovan, and Florida Man.
Phillip Blauer: And me. Don’t forget me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And Phil.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Simon Cruise says Hardkore World deserves better than Florida Man, and I agree. We’ll see if he can make it happen tonight.
“Gimme Some Lovin'” by The Spencer Davis Group plays and the Phoenix fans jeer as Florida Man walks out with the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship slung over his shoulder and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist.
Phillip Blauer: There he is! That’s my champion! Might as well have a price tag hanging off of him! We had quite the little 22 Skidoo at my place afterwards, I purchased the finest Four Lokos money could buy, ostriches, and invited all the surviving members of the Beverly Hillbillies as guests.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Isn’t that just Jethro?
Phillip Blauer: (chewing) Yes, and he doesn’t tell you that until the check clears. But he’s gotten very good at impersonating them on the phone. Why Granny told me to blow it out my kazoo, that old bat!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. gets Florida Man past the booing and cursing fans. He walks past signs that say “Cruise Will Surf That Gator”, “Kilroy Was Robbed”, and “Surf’s Up”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy had Florida Man on the ropes in that LA Freeway match when Marty and AVB popped out of the trunks of those cars to attack and Kilroy and give him, and you the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. How could you?
Phillip Blauer: I will have you know I left a can of yummy sardines for both men to eat in the trunks of those cars. But did I get a World’s Best Boss mug?
Yolanda Ando: Florida wears a mask resembling an old Halloween gorn mask, only the snout has been elongated to look more like a gator. A wide brim straw hat appears to have been stitched into the mask. The brim is angled to look like a halo. A small hole in the corner of his plastic toothy smile is so he can easily access his cigarettes, but at the moment it holds a piece of straw to complete his lackadaisical country swagger. Instead of traditional tights, he wears overalls and vintage Publix tee.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Florida Man says he has to keep the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship away from guys like Simon Cruise and others who respect Hardkore’s history.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, Daddy-O. Those cats are old news. Wearing Alligator masks is what’s hip now, ya dig?
The lights go out and a spotlight hits Greg Jin in the center of the ring
Greg Jin: “Ladies and gentleman, this is the main event of the evening!”
The Footprint Center cheers
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is for the HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds, The Big Kahuna…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The Phoenix fans roar and Simon Cruise gives them a hang loose sign
Greg Jin: “And his opponent from Mosquito Paradise, Air Conditioned Hell, The Crocodile Cradle of Florida; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 198 pounds; He is One Half of the Wrestle:UK Tag Team Champions and The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…FLORIDA MAN!!!”
Florida Man holds up both his Hardkore World and Wrestle: UK Tag Team title belts up to the boos of the crowd
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Florida Man goes for a lock up but Simon ducks under and grabs him from behind in a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise floats over into a side headlock. He cranks up on Florida’s head and neck…but Florida starts biting his wrist!
The Phoenix fans boo and Cruise cries out in pain.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I do believe I forgot to feed him.
Tommy Milligan gives him a five count to stop biting him and Florida Man finally does. He kicks Simon Cruise in the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man goes to punch him but Simon Cruise arm drags him. He flips Florida Man across the ring with a Japanese armdrag into an armbar.
Simon Cruise leans back back on his trapped arm, trying to put pressure on his shoulder and elbow. Florida Man works his way back to his feet while Simon Cruise hangs on to the armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida uses his free arm to punch Simon Cruise, but he hangs onto the armbar. Cruise cinches in the armbar even tighter.
Florida Man grimaces in pain. Simon Cruise torques his arm to the side, doubling Florida Man over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man uses his good arm to crack Simon Cruise with a forearm smash but Cruise continues to hang on to the armbar.
Phillip Blauer: I’m surprised this effects Florida Man so, he’s got very small arms.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, he has normal sized arms. You know he’s not a real alligator, right? He’s a human being in a costume.
Phillip Blauer: I…is that confirmed?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man pokes Simon Cruise in the eyes to finally escape that arm bar.
The audience boos as a blinded Simon Cruise stumbles backwards. Florida Man picks him up on his shoulders in a fireman’s carry and spins him around
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man airplane spins Simon Cruise and then dumps him on to the mat. He hits the ropes and elbow drops him.
…ONE!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man now choking Simon Cruise on the mat!
The Footprint Center boos louder and louder as Tommy Milligan tries to peel him off of Simon Cruise
Phillip Blauer: I think Florida was tired of this guy moping about beaches too!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida picks him up for a suplex, but Simon Cruise blocks it and rolls back into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man gets up, but Simon Cruise leg sweeps him back to the mat. He jumps up and leg drops him across the face!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise shoots Florida Man into the ropes and then hits him with a flying knee lift!
Florida Man gets up but Simon Cruise dropkicks him back down again. Florida Man bails out of the ring while the crowd cheers Cruise
Phillip Blauer: Hang on, I got this.
Florida Man paces the ringside area, frustrated. Phil Blauer leaves his announce position and walks over to counsel Florida Man, whispering in his ear
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man doesn’t seem to quite understand Phil’s advice.
Phil pulls out a wad of cash, and slips it into his overalls
Guillermo O’Bannon: He seems to get it now.
Phil walks back to the announce table. Florida Man gets back up on the apron, but Simon Cruise goes over to meet him. Florida Man slugs him to back him off a little
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man slingshots over the ropes into a punch to Cruise’s jaw! He grabs Cruise and drops down into a stunner!
Florida Man bounces into the ropes and jumps onto Simon Cruise with a big splash
Phillip Blauer: All 198 pounds of Florida Man crashing down onto him!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man double stomps Simon Cruise! And again! He starts jumping up and down on Cruise’s body like a trampoline! Touch The Sky!
The Footprint Center boos and Tommy Milligan finally pulls him away
Phillip Blauer: Get your grubby hands off him, Tommy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man pulls him up into a front facelock, but Simon Cruise flips him into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise irish whips him into the ropes and takes him out with a spinning heel kick!
The audience cheers as Simon Cruise pulls Florida Man up and butterflies his arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise drives Florida’s face into the mat with a pedigree! He rolls him over and climbs to the top turnbuckle. Cruise jumps off with a frog splash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise applies a guillotine choke! He rocks back on Florida Man’s head and neck.
Phillip Blauer: Oh no, his gator head will come off and his true identity will be revealed! My money is on Tim Tebow.
The crowd cheers as Florida Man shakes his head, refusing to tap out to Tommy Milligan. Simon Cruise uses his smaller frame to really cinch it in
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man punches Simon Cruise in his ribs until he releases the guillotine. Cruise gets to his feet, but Florida low blows him!
The Phoenix fans jeer as Simon Cruise’s legs cross and he tips over to the mat. Florida Man climbs up to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida comes off the top with an atomic leg drop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Florida Man does the crane kick pose as Simon Cruise struggles to get to his feet. The audience boos
Phillip Blauer: Ah, yes, this is the move I paid him just now for.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man crane kicks Simon Cruise in the face!
Florida Man walks to the ropes and does the The Worm
Phillip Blauer: (chewing) This was the other thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida gets up to him, does the chops, but Cruise rolls out of the way!
Phillip Blauer: (spits out his goose) No! He must have done The Worm wrong!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise runs and diving clotheslines Florida Man over the ropes to the floor below!
The crowd roars and chants “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” Simon Cruise climbs back up on the apron and gets a running start, hitting Florida Man with a knee lift when he gets up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wipe Out ‘17!! Simon Cruise rolls back into the ring and hits the ropes, diving over the ropes with tope con hilo!!
Both men lie on the floor, dazed. Simon Cruise later picks Florida Man up and rolls him back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man gets up and runs into the ropes, and baseball slide kicks Cruise as he tries to get back into the ring!
Cruise flies back into the railing, smacking it hard. Florida Man runs into the ropes a vaults over the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Suicide dive by Florida Man onto Simon Cruise against the railing!
The audience boos as both men fall back to the floor. Florida Man walks over and grabs Phil’s roasted goose
Phillip Blauer: Hey! I was still…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man blasts Simon Cruise in the head with that goose!!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, the chestnut stuffing went everywhere!
Florida Man climbs to the top turnbuckle and then looks over his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida does a Leap of Faith coffin drop but Simon Cruise moves and he hits the steel railing!!
The Phoenix crowd comes to life at the sound of the crack of Florida Man hitting the guardrail.
Phillip Blauer: Trust falls are not for championship title matches!
Simon Cruise pulls some goose and stuffing out of his hair on the floor, then rolls back into the ring. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and jumps off with a springboard senton
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wipeout ‘18 on Florida Man on the floor!!
The Footprint Center chants “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” Simon Cruise climbs back up on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise backflips off the second rope with an asai moonsault onto Florida Man!!
Cruise gives the crowd the hang loose sign, and rolls Florida Man back in to the ring. He climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise 450 splashes Florida Man!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise irish whips Florida into the ropes and blows him away with a Bitchin Dropkick!
Phillip Blauer: I really miss my goose. I’m still so hungry.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise scoops Florida Man up and drills him with a tombstone piledriver!
The audience pops as Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise somersaults off with a Wavebreaker but Florida Man puts his knees up into Simon’s spine!!
Simon Cruise arches his back in pain as the air goes out of the Phoenix crowd. Florida Man pulls him up into a suplex and then drops him on his skull with a brainbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mindblower!
Florida Man steps Cruise through the ropes and then leans him backwards along the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man steps up to the second turnbuckle and jumps off with a guillotine leg drop!!
Cruise lands badly on the back of his head. The audience boos and starts chanting “FLORIDA SUCKS! FLORIDA SUCKS! FLORIDA SUCKS!”
Phillip Blauer: Are they talking about the man or the state? Or the college?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Whatever it is, it’s getting under Florida Man’s skin.
Phillip Blauer: I thought you said that was a costume?
Florida Man kicks the ropes and threatens to jump the railing to some of the fans. He pulls Simon Cruise up and cracks him with a roundhouse that floors him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kira’s Jaw Breaker!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
The audience continues to chant “FLORIDA SUCKS! FLORIDA SUCKS! FLORIDA SUCKS!” Florida Man shouts at a ringsider to “say it to my face!” Pointing at his alligator mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man lifts Simon Cruise up for another airplane spin, and twirls him around and round!
Phillip Blauer: He keeps twirling him! This is delightful! Why aren’t these people counting along? Oh, right, it’s Phoenix. It’s already higher than they can count.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise uses the momentum to go up on Florida’s shoulders and take him over into a victory roll!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man rolls it into a victory roll of his own!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man has the ropes!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Phillip Blauer: Hot damn!
The audience boos as Florida Man raises his arms in victory, “Gimme Some Lovin'” by The Spencer Davis Group plays and Tommy Milligan hands him his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and his Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championships
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 54 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…FLORIDA MAN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man needed the ropes to do it, but he has successfully defended his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship here in Phoenix tonight.
Phillip Blauer: At least one of these guys I bought didn’t lose their title to Kilroy tonight. I was starting to think spending millions of dollars to keep titles away from Kilroy Evans wasn’t the sound financial decision I thought it was.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now Florida Man has to put that title on the line against his nemesis Kilroy Evans at Palm Springs Punishment 2024 in a dog collar texas death match! We’ll see you there fans!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello everyone and welcome to the Desert here in Phoenix, Arizona, where we have an amazing card of Hardkore action tonight! I’m Guillermo O’Bannon and to my right is…
Phillip Blauer: An extremely rich person.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …Phil Blauer. Fans, we have a great main event tonight for you where Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Florida Man will take on…
Phillip Blauer: Ok, alright, fine. I will confirm what the dirt sheets have been saying on the computer phones. Wade Keller can stop going through my garbage, and Dave Meltzer can stop tapping my phone.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dave Meltzer is not listening to your calls, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: (looks at the camera) I can hear you breathing on the other line, Dave. Sometimes I hear the ding of your toaster oven when the hot pockets are done. But it’s all true what he said on his podcast between HelloFresh ads. Dorothy’s last will and testament stated that all of her money go to her elderly, diuretic cat, Gertrude. Did I handle it well? Admittedly, no. That TMZ camera crew caught me at a bad time, and I am sorry for all those that I offended.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Latvians had nothing to do with any of this. You hurt alot of people with your words…
Phillip Blauer: But when I was at my lowest was when tragedy stuck and that blasted golf club fell and landed on poor Gertrude, repeatedly. And with savage force, until she was no longer recognizable.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh no, Phi. You didn’t.
Phillip Blauer: (pretending to be sad) Poor kitty. I miss how she would lose control of her bowels on all my things. I miss how her hair came off in big tufts when you would pet her.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The cat??
Phillip Blauer: Once Gertrude was gone, Dorothy’s money only had one place to go. (double thumbs) This guy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mother of God.
Phillip Blauer: That’s right. Your boy is loaded, by Jove.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well this card is loaded…
Phillip Blauer: Sounds like our play by play guy is loaded too…
Guillermo O’Bannon: THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
Phil and Toulouse the Masseuse flinch backwards. Worthington curls his lip in contempt
Guillermo O’Bannon: (straightens his suit) Sorry, everybody. (takes a sip) Now, as I was saying, this show is main evented by Florida Man, fresh off of stealing the title from Kilroy Evans in that LA Freeway match is putting it on the line against the number one contender, former Hardkore West Coast Simon Cruise.
Phillip Blauer: I paid good money for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, and I expect him to keep it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We also have the ladder match for the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships and…
Phillip Blauer: Ditto.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is ridiculous, why are you buying wrestlers to do stuff you want?
Phillip Blauer: Let me tell you something, while sitting here in this chair with tape on the upholstery, I have taken a lot of guff. Some may even call it malarkey. These meatheads, dripping with baby oil and bad decisions, bully me. Mock my good looks, my breathtaking hair, and my perfect elocution.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one has ever done that.
Phillip Blauer: And Kilroy! Oh, how I loathe that abomination. The mere fact that he was Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion made my skin crawl. I refused to accept that as a reality, so I picked up the phone and paid for whoever it would take to start running things my way around here. The Blauer reality.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I shudder to think what that is.
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the Phoenix crowd pops as “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse shakes his groove thang at the top of the ramp with a supportive Mary Yellowbird at his side.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird has a Hardkore Women’s title match later on this evening against Black Tiger. Joey Little Horse didn’t appreciate the comments Roscoe Law made about his sister-in-law Heather Little Owl.
Phillip Blauer: Look, we all heard the rumors. Heck, they used to call him Rascal Law. The only hold he didn’t have a counter for, was the hold the ladies had on his heart.
Joey Little Horse slaps hands with his adoring crowd as the fan with the “Little Horse Tribe” sign gets in the shot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse knows he can beat Roscoe Law and wants to see if he still has it. He has a sneaking suspicion that Roscoe’s got a lot of ring rust that he can take advantage of.
Yolanda Ando: Joey Little Horse wears a small yellow loin cloth yellow over shorts with Native American gear.
Phillip Blauer: Maybe a little too small. Please, kids are watching this at 1am.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse looking to regain his Hardkore California Championship from Joe Nobody and a win over the legendary Roscoe Law would be a great way to make that happen.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Footprint Center and tonight’s action from Hardkore World!”
The fans cheer
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mary Yellowbird; From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays and pyro hits. Fans hold up signs that say “Welcome Back Roscoe Law!”, and “I Fought The Law And The Law Won” as Roscoe Law walks to the ring. The entrance area is lit by red lights and the JumboTron flashes "LAW" between classic Roscoe Law footage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Pinch me, I think I’m dreaming. Roscoe Law’s last match was nearly 15 years ago on May 25, 2009 when he and Matthew X were in the Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup as Law and Disorder. They defeated Sam Paige and Tric in the first round, Shattered Dreams, “Prime Time” Chris Chambers and Babbatunde “The Boss” Balogun in the second before losing in the third round to Better Than Sex, “Vile” Vince Viper and Spike Nelson after Bobby Nowa interfered, hitting Law with a code breaker known as The Crater Drop to give Better Than Sex the victory.
Phillip Blauer: Babbatunde is fun to say.
Toulouse the Masseuse: Babbatunde. Oui, is fun.
Phillip Blauer: Say it Worthington.
Worthington: (dignified) Babbatunde, sir.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now Roscoe Law has returned, here to the West Coast, the territory where he knew some of the biggest moments of his career. Winning the Hardkore West Coast and Hardkore California Championships.
Yolanda Ando: Roscoe Law has his hair cut short and sports a goatee. He wears long black tights with a fat red stripe down each side. His boots are black with “LAW” printed on them
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Roscoe missed this place dearly and wants to make some magic.
Phillip Blauer: Some of his “magic” burned down the Palm Springs Convention Center.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Acrisure Arena is nicer anyway.
Phillip Blauer: (sniffs) Some of the rats at that place were my best friends. I taught one of them to stand on his hind legs for pretzels. I often wonder if his last thoughts were “Pretzel Poppa? Where are you? I’m frightened.” I’m sorry…
Worthington hands a sniffling Phil a hanky.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Just like Little Horse and this Phoenix crowd, Roscoe Law wants to see if he’s still got it too. He’s got some doubts, and wonders if this was a mistake. In Ontario, he had an impressive outing against Sweet Bone Daddy, but Joey Little Horse is a 20 year veteran and a former Hardkore California Champion. This is a big test, and we’ll see if Roscoe is up to it. the Bad Man from the Badger State
Greg Jin: "His opponent is from Green Bay, Wisconsin; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 248 pounds; The Bad Man From The Badger State...ROSCOE LAW!!!"
The Phoenix fans let out an ear splitting pop as Roscoe waves back at them
Roscoe Law vs. "El Exotico" Joey Little Horse
Little Horse rushes in with some rapid fire blows that catch Law by surprise and Tommy Milligan signals for the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse attempting to take over early and try and take advantage of any ring rust.
Phillip Blauer: “Any” ring rust? At this point Joey Little Horse should be careful he doesn’t catch tetanus by touching him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse hip tosses Law out of the corner.
As Law gets to his feet, Little Horse starts his war dance and catches Law with some tomahawk chops.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse whips Law into the ropes, then catches him with a dropkick on the return.
Little Horse mounts Law and subjects him to some more rapid fire blows. Little Horse stands back up and celebrates
Phillip Blauer: You gotta take time to celebrate.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse climbs up to the top rope and hits Roscoe Law with a leaping chop!
Mary Yellowbird tells Little Horse to climb them again and he does. He waits for Law to get up and turn around
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse comes off the top with then another leaping tomahawk chop! He’s climbing up to the top turnbuckle again!
Phillip Blauer: Joey sticking with what brought him to the dance.
Little Horse gets back to the top rope and lets out a war call as he waits on Law for a third time
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law is ready this time and catches Little Horse, then hits an overhead belly to belly suplex!
The Phoenix crowd roars as Roscoe gets back to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law hits a standing leg drop and makes a cover!
…ONE!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Roscoe Law applies a front face lock and drags Little Horse up to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law hits a textbook suplex on Little Horse.
Joey Little Horse sits up from the impact. Roscoe stands over him, measuring Little Horse
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law then hits an elbow drop to Little Horse’s throat and makes another cover.
…ONE!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Roscoe Law picks Little Horse up by the hair and irish whips him into the corner. Law picks Little Horse up and puts him on the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s looking for the Lawbreaker!
Little Horse realizes this and comes alive with right hooks to Law’s ribs. Law is forced to back out of the corner.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse drops down and hits Law with a forearm smash!
Little Horse goes for another forearm smash, but Law ducks and picks Little Horse up for a back suplex. Little Horse turns and begins punching Law in the head. This forces Law back into the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law loses control and both men topple over the ropes and crash to the outside!
Law pulls himself up against the ring post and shakes his head. Little Horse pulls himself up by using the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse looks for a palm strike, but Law moves out of the way and he hits the ringpost with his hand!
Little Horse clutches at his right hand as Law capitalizes by putting his arm around Joey’s neck and tying up their legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law russian leg sweeps the back of Joey’s head into the guardrail!!
The Footprint Center lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Little Horse’s head ringing off the railing. Law scrambles up and rolls Little Horse back into the ring, then slides in to avoid being counted out by Tommy Milligan. Law makes a cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law improvises and hits a handstand knee strike into Little Horse’s hurting right hand!
Phillip Blauer: That’s his tomahawking hand!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse rolls away, but Law is on him and applies a crossface chicken wing on the mat!
Little Horse groans in pain as he tries to fight his way out of the hold. Roscoe clamps down on his windpipe, while pulling up on Joey’s hammerlocked arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse pulls himself towards the ropes with his hurt right hand, but it’s slow. Little Horse even looks to consider tapping out before shaking his head and finally making it to the ropes!
The audience applauds Little Horse’s tenacity as Tommy Milligan forces him to release the chicken wing crossface. Roscoe irish whips him but Joey Little Horse reverses it and shoots Law into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse catches him with a tiltawhirl suplex!
Joey Little Horse steps out onto the apron and does a war cry, then climbs up to the top turnbuckle
Phillip Blauer: Gadzooks, that is shrill.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse may have taken too much time to get there, and now Roscoe Law steps up to the second turnbuckle.
Roscoe Law punches Joey a few times and then hooks him into a superplex and drops him onto his head with a brainbuster off the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lawbreaker!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays as the Phoenix fans jump to their feet and cheer. Roscoe rolls off of Little Horse with one arm raised
Greg Jin: “At 9 minutes 13 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…ROSCOE LAW!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law has returned after nearly 15 years and shown that yes, he still has it, by defeating the wily Little Horse…
“No Way Out” by Jefferson Starship plays and the audience boos. Anthony Jordan and Bobby Nowa
Phillip Blauer: Why, it’s Nowa Out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What are they doing here?
Jordan and Nowa stay out in the aisle and Jordan produces a house mic
Anthony Jordan: “Welcome back, Roscoe! The great Roscoe Law, why your reputation precedes you. But look at what I have here.”
Jordan points to a snarling Bobby Nowa
Anthony Jordan: “Why, it’s the guy that ended your career 15 years ago.”
Bobby Nowa leans into the microphone
Bobby Nowa: “And I loved it!”
Anthony Jordan: “Why don’t we see if he can do it again at Palm Springs Punishment 2024?”
Roscoe Law nods enthusiastically at them and the crowd cheers
Phillip Blauer: Aw, he just got here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our first match signed for Palm Springs Punishment 2024, fans! We have a lot more action coming up!
Open the Talent Relations cubicle at The Office, the single level open floor plan building that serves as headquarters for Hardkore World in Palm Springs, California. Her office is adorned with signs, nick knacks and various bric a brac, along with a lot of St. Patrick’s Day decorations. She’s wearing a sweater that says “Irish You Were Beer”
Judy Valentine Jr.: Hello , thank you for coming in today, Mr....Righteous, is it?
Captain Righteous: (forces a smile) Captain. Captain Righteous.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh, I apologize. I do support our military. Our boys. Bring them home. Bring em home, safe, you know?
Righteous nods, uncomfortably. Judy lifts a bowl towards him
Judy Valentine Jr.: Candy corn?
Righteous just puts up his hand, politely refusing. Judy takes some for herself
Judy Valentine Jr.: They say this stuff is just for Halloween, but I eat it all year round. That’s when you get the best prices. Cause guess what they do for Halloween?
Captain Righteous: (confused, he doesn’t know what anyone does for Halloween ) I haven’t any idea.
Judy Valentine Jr.: They jack up the prices. That’s why you gotta stock up from February to July. But say you run out? All the people on my candy corn message board, Online Corn Addicts, say you have to go to the factory direct, break the security guard’s neck, bribe the guard dogs with raw meat from your pockets…
Captain Righteous: (puts his hand up to stop her ) Did you need something from me?
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh dear, yes. Sorry, I can just ramble on and on sometimes. We’ve got a little problem with you and your friend. Your social security numbers have come back as invalid.
Captain Righteous: (laughs nervously) That’s, that’s, that’s…
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh sweetie, that’s ok. You’re not the first person we’re gonna pay in cash. We had to convert Moondog Dook’s downside guarantee into somas, for Pete’s sake. (she starts struggling with a bottle of peanut brittle) Why Rated X was so jammed up by the IRS we had to leave his money taped behind the toilet at an Anaheim Sizzler.
Captain Righteous:
Judy Valentine Jr.: I cannot get this peanut brittle, I heard you had super strength?
Captain Righteous: Hmm? Of course. You know, I once lifted a Volkswagen bus full of hippies over my head and threw them straight…(screams)
A bunch of toy snakes come flying out of the peanut brittle, and Captain Righteous recoils in horror
Captain Righteous: What is this dark sorcery??
Captain Righteous picks up the can and throws it as far as he can, knocking Carole from Accounting in the back of the head. She goes down like a bag of hammers
Judy Valentine Jr.: Oh poo. I’m so sorry. That was just a little trick. I got it at a magic shop the last time I went to Laughlin. You poor dear, you look fright.
Captain Righteous: (playing it off) No, just. I…you know, cat-like reflexes.
Judy Valentine Jr.: (pats his hand) My cat Whisker Purrfect reacted the same way.
Captain Righteous nods uncomfortably. Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. lifts Carole from Accounting’s head and puts some paperwork underneath it as ambulances are called
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next is the big match between former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Tuxedo Mask and Captain Righteous.
A choir of children begin to sing after a lengthy sinister haunting piano melody is played, searchlights look around the arena for none other than Captain Righteous who comes floating down with Dan Stein’s Peacemaker staff while being lowered from above. His cape flaps majestically as he rests both hands on his waist, smiling and scanning the booing crowd below. A fan holds up a sign that says “Captain Self Righteous”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous had that farce of an investigation in Los Angeles…
Phillip Blauer: Farce? You mean exhaustive hunt for Dorothy’s real killers? This man could be the key to freeing Scott Peterson! Phil Spector! OJ!
Guillermo O’Bannon: OJ’s already free, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: See?? This guy’s amazing! You know, I never got a chance to thank Captain Righteous, for clearing me, er, finding Dorothy’s murderer, my evil twin, Bill…
Guillermo O’Bannon: I thought he was lovely.
Phillip Blauer: But that’s happened before. Once, my cat Paw Heyman ran into the road and a car ran him over. I was heartbroken, on my knees over the twitching body when I looked up and there was Captain Righteous. And he made it right.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Did he fly until he caused the earth to spin backwards and reverse time so that it never happened?
Phillip Blauer: What? No? He burned the car and the people in it with his heat vision. They paid dearly for their crime.. Paw would have enjoyed it. He loved to watch things suffer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we saw from that creepy room he has, Captain Righteous has an obsession over Dan Stein.
Phillip Blauer: Creepy room?! I would love to go to Captain Righteous’ Kill Dan Stein Room, it looked cozy. I’ll bring a houseplant.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous interfered and cost Dan Stein the Hardkore West Coast Championship in Los Angeles, and then in Ontario, Lady Liberty stole his Peacemaker staff from Domino.
Phillip Blauer: There isn’t room enough for the two of them in that locker room. Literally.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous has The Danimal looking for him, but tonight he takes on Tuxedo Mask, one of the most high flying wrestlers here on the West Coast.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from Manhattan, Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 275 pounds; The Hardkore Superhero…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Captain Righteous holds up The Peacemaker staff to boos
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the Phoenix crowd boos. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and stands at the side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak in the boos. He walks to the other side of the ramp. Tux pumps up the fans to boo him on that side as well. A fan holds up a sign that says “TUX SUX!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Ontario, Tuxedo Mask defeated DTF star Dana “The Drone” Daniels but not before Daniels released his bees.
Phillip Blauer: That’s absolute poppycock that we allow a beekeeper to bring a thermos of bees to the ring. I’m considering sponsoring a new program that all wrestling related thermoses get checked before bell time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask has been focusing on managing three time Hardkore Women’s Champion Ri Eun-Ae recently, but excited to step back into the ring tonight against Captain Righteous.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of boos before preparing for the match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask says his experience will quickly overcome Captain Righteous, promising many high spots to devastate the Hardkore Superhero.
Phillip Blauer: Tux is an amazing wrestler, and has spent his entire career figuring out tough guys that are bigger than him. And even if he doesn’t, his reaction videos when he loses do twice the engagement on TikTok.
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. The last time Tuxedo Mask was in Phoenix was that threeway match for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast title with Alexander Von Blankenship and Ruben Bowman. Before that it was nearly 20 years ago when he defeated Cobryn in August of 2004.
Greg Jin: "And his opponent is from Tokushima, Japan. Standing 5 feet 8 inches and Weighing 185 pounds; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure... TUXEDO MASK!!!"
The fans boo. Tuxedo Mask stares angrily at the teen holding up the “Tux Sux” sign
Tuxedo Mask vs. Captain Righteous
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and Tuxedo Mask extends a handshake as a sign of sportsmanship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous seems to misinterpret the gesture and grabs him with a one arm sidewalk slam!
…ONE!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Captain Righteous complains to Richie Richardson about the count. He tries to calm himself down, giving Richie a smile that unnerves the young ref
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was a little unsettling. But taking advantage of the distraction, Tuxedo Mask dropkicks Righteous, sending him outside the ring!
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think anyone has taken Captain Righteous off his feet since he’s got here!
Captain Righteous looks around, baffled at how he got on the floor. Tuxedo Mask hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask follows it up with a baseball slide under the ropes into a head scissors takedown on the floor!!
The crowd boos Tuxedo Mask who does a little bow. Captain Righteous stands right back up, apoplectic.Tuxedo Mask slides back inside, runs the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux dives through the second rope but Captain Righteous catches him with a leaping crescent kick!!
The Footprint Center lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Righteous’ boot hitting Tux’s face. Tuxedo Mask looks dazed as Captain Righteous rolls him back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous climbs the top rope, but Tuxedo Mask recovers and racks him on the top turnbuckle, executing a snap huracanrana!!
…ONE!
…Captain Righteous kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask irish whips him, but Captain Righteous reverses it and shoots Tux into the corner. He unloads a series of blows
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask attempts to counter with a Tornado DDT, but Captain Righteous blocks it and slams Tuxedo Mask spine first into the corner!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” Captain Righteous grabs him by a front facelock and steps up onto the second turnbuckle
Phillip Blauer: Here we go!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous goes for his signature move, the Righteous Purge DDT, but Tuxedo Mask pushes him off! Tuxedo Mask retaliating with a handspring huracanrana that catches an indignant Captain Righteous!!
Tuxedo Mask looks pleased about showing off his agility. He climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux follows up with a corkscrew moonsault on Captain Righteous!!
…ONE!
…Captain Righteous kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask springboards off the ropes, but Captain Righteous catches and plants him with a powerful spine buster!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous whips Tuxedo Mask into the corner, following a step behind him to deliver a back elbow.
Righteous irish whips Tuxedo Mask again, but he slides through Richie Richardson's legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hops onto the middle of the top rope and springboard moonsaults into Captain Righteous!!
The Phoenix crowd cheers for Tuxedo Mask's acrobatics. Tuxedo Mask jumps up to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hops up into a split legged moonsault, but Captain Righteous puts his knees up!!
Captain Righteous grabs Tuxedo Mask in a sleeper, and then drops him on his head with
neckbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous executes the Land of Milk and Honey!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask gets his foot on the bottom rope!
Captain Righteous slaps the mat in frustration, and pulls Tux up by the mask. He tosses him over the ropes, but Tux catches the top rope and lands on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask counters with a slingshot over the ropes into a DDT, once again shifting the momentum!
Captain Righteous crawls over to the corner, and grabs The Peacemaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous has got that Peacemaker!
Phillip Blauer: He’s trying to keep it safe from Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr.’s sticky fingers.
Tuxedo Mask goes to pick him up, but Captain Righteous jabs him in the stomach with The Peacemaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh come on!
Phillip Blauer: He clearly needs to make some peace.
Captain Righteous grabs his head, and runs up the turnbuckles into his tornado DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous Purge!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“For The Damaged Coda” by Blonde Redhead plays and the fans boo loudly. Captain Righteous gets off of Tuxedo Mask immediately, looking at him as if he’s somewhat frightened by him. He jumps when Tommy Milligan tries to raise his arm, tearing it away from him, and waving to the jeering Footprint Center with a fake smile, while holding The Peacemaker
Greg Jin: “At 9 minutes 2 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask was not the easy win that Captain Righteous has been used to up until now, and he looks a little freaked out by it.
Phillip Blauer: Balderdash. It’s this Desert heat. It doesn’t agree with…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein is standing behind him!!
The audience is roaring as a seething Stein stands behind Righteous as he oddly looks at Tuxedo Mask. He hears the cheers and peps up, waving to the fans
Phillip Blauer: Turn around, Captain! Turn around!
Captain Righteous senses something is off, and then seems to realize what it could be. He gulps and slowly turns around to see Dan Stein looking at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Look at those two behemoths!
Phillip Blauer: The ring is shaking! The arena is shaking! Our desk is shaking! Oh, that might just be because Guillermo hasn’t had a drink in a couple hours.
The Phoenix fans make the arena rumble as neither man is willing to back down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous cost Dan Stein the Hardkore West Coast Championship in LA, and then stole his Peacemaker in Ontario. Now here in Phoenix, Dan Stein is just about done with this fake superhero.
Phillip Blauer: Fake?? Did I not tell you about the ponzi scheme guys he saved from the rushing rapids?
Dan Stein grabs The Peacemaker, but Captain Righteous hangs onto it
Phillip Blauer: Someone stop that thief!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous and Stein fighting over The Peacemaker!
Stein starts pulling The Peacemaker back towards him when Captain Righteous blindsides him with a headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: A second headbutt from Captain Righteous has Stein seeing stars, and Righteous is able to snatch back The Peacemaker and run out of the ring!
The crowd boos as Captain Righteous clutches The Peacemaker close to his body, shaking his head at Dan Stein. Stein has a trickle of blood running down his face as he is beet red from anger
Phillip Blauer: Captain Righteous saves the day again! He now controls Dan Stein because whoever possesses The Peacemaker, possesses his soul!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it’s just a stick. But Captain Righteous has a day or reckoning ahead of him at Palm Springs Punishment 2024 with “The Punisher” Dan Stein.
“The Role Model” Anthony Jordan stands in front of the law offices of Goodman and McGill.
Jordan: “Folks, Hardkore World is coming to town! And one thing that happens when professional wrestlers show is crime! Remember, we employ Florida Man!”
Jordan gives his goofy grin.
Jordan: “And if you find yourself catching a criminal charge, you might think there is Nowa Out, but think again! Your friends at Goodman and McGill are there to help!”
Star wipe transition, and Jordan is in Jimmy McGill’s office.
Jordan: “How good are they? They told me that I could not use our Jefferson Starship theme during the following clips!”
McGill: “Only public domain!”
“Turkey in the Straw '' plays as Jordan belly-to-belly suplexes Streamboat Mickey onto McGill’s desk. Jordan and McGill give the thumbs up to the camera. Another star wipe and Jordan is putting a judge in Idolizer #2.
Jordan: “Their legal process will have the judges tapping out!”
The judge screams as Jordan locks in the hold. He then reaches out and tags in McGill.
Jordan: “Tag them in as soon as you get your one phone call at the police station!”
An obvious body double jumps off the top and splashes the judge. A final star wipe leaves Jordan and McGill in front of the law office as “Turkey in the Straw” ends. The low mic quality is obvious as the wind is heard.
Jordan: “Call 602-444-4444 ‘four’ Phoenix’s best lawyers! Or visit us at the office right off exit 123! If you see the inflatable gila monster, then you drove too far!’
Fade back up on Guillermo O’Bannon and Phil Blauer at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next is a rematch from Hardkore Helloween 2023. “The Punisher” Dan Stein and Joe Nobody were the last two in their qualifier, and tore each other up in the barbed wire. Now they hook it up again, one on one!
The lights in The Footprint Center dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The Phoenix fans cheer as the lyrics begin appearing on the screen
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!!
Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie and the Hardkore California Championship belt around his waist. The fans let out a loud pop, and Nobody begins making his way to the ring. A fan holds up a sign that says “Nobody Does It Better”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody has had a bizarre couple of matches recently. In Los Angeles, the lights went out, a creepy song started playing, and when they came back on he was knocked unconscious. In Ontario, the creepy song started playing and this time we got a QR code.
Phillip Blauer: I did a little investigating and found out that if you take a picture of the QB code, it comes back as three quarters of your own face!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, you have the front facing camera on. The QR code took you to the song “Heaven” from Warrant.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, whenever I hear that little ditty, I think of Dorothy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m sure she’s there.
Phillip Blauer: Oh no, the factory fires alone preclude her from going up there. I mean she slept with most of the band.
As Joe Nobody makes it up two steps and stops before turning around to give a pre-teen boy in a Cardinals jersey his signature fedora.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody was rocked by the death of Steve Awesome, and wants to take out all of his anger of his loss out on Dan Stein here tonight in Phoenix.
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Joe had “Rink Rat” Joseph Hart look into the case of who has been stalking him at the Ontario show.
Phillip Blauer: I see, and did that help?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not at all.
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Greg Jin: “The following non-title match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your Kelly O'Connelleree is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, He is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The fans cheer and then suddenly the Footprint Center darkens, and the reassuring tones of Ron Burgundy are heard.
Ron Burgundy: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Hardkore fans of Los Angeles! Can I please have your attention? I have been handed an urgent... and horrifying news story! The Danimal has entered the building!”
The lights abruptly come on again and the crowd erupts. "Seal The Deal" by Volbeat plays as “The Punisher” Dan Stein and his lovely manager Domino make their way to the ring area, Domino smiling and high-fiving the fans while Stein walks to the ring with his sunglasses on and scowl on his face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In LA, Dan Stein had the Hardkore West Coast Championship in his grasp and then Captain Righteous cost him the match. Then in Ontario, Lady Liberty ripped the Peacemaker out of Domino’s hands.
Phillip Blauer: Taking a dangerous weapon out of a dangerous man’s hands, Captain Righteous saves the day again! He’s like the biggest guy here, what does he need a stick for? It’s like he’s been waiting for someone to lower a pinata down to the ring the past 20 years.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein was noticeably shaken by the loss of his Peacemaker. He even snapped and blamed Domino for losing it to Lady Liberty.
Phillip Blauer: Once again, I have to side with Domino here. It’s a stick that’s absolutely dripping with old DNA. It’s probably responsible for half the staph and MRSA infections in the locker room over the years.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At any rate, Joe Nobody getting a very pissed off Stein to deal with here tonight.
Upon entering the ring, Stein instead of his Peacemaker as usual, he thrusts his arm up, to the roar of the crowd.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, it’s just not the same. I get it now. His arm is like Shemp to The Peacemaker’s Curly.
Yolanda Ando: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. His elbow is wrapped.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Domino suggested that Joe Nobody find Dan Stein’s Peacemaker and return it to him, to get a Dan Stein that’s in a better mood.
Phillip Blauer: See what I mean? She’s always thinking.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by Domino; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is The One Who Knocks…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
The Footprint Center lets out a huge pop as Dan Stein stares at Joe Nobody with Domino applauding
Joe Nobody vs. "The Punisher" Dan Stein
Domino and Greg Jin step out of the ring, and Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. We are underway, Stein and Nobody lock up in the middle of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein easily forces Joe Nobody into the corner.
The Phoenix fans cheer as Dan Stein bends Joe Nobody across the ropes. Kelly O'Connell calls for the break
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein starts delivering stiff body shots at Nobody’s ribs, battering away at his lower body.
Dan Stein pulls him out of the corner with a shinbreaker atomic drop. Nobody hobbles backwards into the ropes. Stein irish whips him across the ring into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein goes for the lariat, but Nobody tumbles underneath it!
The fans pop and Stein whirls around to grab for him but Joe Nobody arm drags him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another arm drag by Joe Nobody, then a third!
The audience cheers and Stein rolls away with a curse. Domino tries to get his head back in the game
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein lunges at Nobody but Joe is waiting with a superkick upside his head!
The Footprint Center let out an “OH!” as Stein drops like a redwood, and Joe Nobody makes a cover
…ONE!
…Dan Stein kicks out so hard Joe Nobody lands on his feet!
Phillip Blauer: Heavens to Betsy, did you see that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: What am I, hard of seeing?
The Arizona crowd applauds that feat of strength, as Joe Nobody shrugs. Dan Stein gets back to his feet, and rubs his temple
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan comes in with a kick, but Joe Nobody grabs Stein’s leg as the Punisher comes in and twists him into a dragon screw.
The fans cheer. Stein grabs at his leg as he shakes his head. Domino shouts instructions as Stein stumbles to his feet.
Phillip Blauer: The Hardkore California Champion is giving up 100 pounds and 6 inches. He has decided to go after The Danimal’s knee and ground him early.
He limps a little as he rubs at his knee. Then he grunted as Nobody approaches him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody fires off a few punches before he snaps back into a russian leg sweep! He uses the momentum to roll on top of him!
…ONE!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody pulls him up and irish whips him, but Stein reverses it and shoots Joe into the corner! Joe bounces out into a discus clothesline!!
The Footprint Center pops as Joe staggers back into the turnbuckles. Dan Stein comes over to the corner and grabs the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein rams his shoulder into Nobody’s stomach. Again, and again. Joe Nobody tries to walk out of the corner, but Dan Stein effortlessly picks him up and tosses him backwards into the turnbuckles!!
The Phoenix fans erupt at that show of unbelievable power and aggression
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein stands up and uses that 6’7 frame to choke Joe with his boot!
Domino applauds on the outside. Kelly O’Connell gives Dan Stein a five count to stop crushing Nobody’s throat with his big boot and he eventually breaks on four. Stein starts stomping Joe Nobody in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein stomps Joe over and over until he’s sitting against the bottom rope!
Kelly O’Connell finally pulls Dan Stein out of the corner, and he raises his arms and pops the crowd. He pulls Nobody up and scoops him up on his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein goes for a running powerslam, but Joe Nobody slips off his shoulder. He grabs him from behind and drops down into a hangman’s neckbreaker!
The crowd cheers as Stein clutches the back of his neck. Joe Nobody pulls him up and throws him through the ropes to the floor below. Joe steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody runs along the apron and hops on the second turnbuckle and jumps back into a missile dropkick to Dan Stein on the floor!!
The audience cheers and chants “JOE!! JOE!! JOE!!” Domino covers her mouth and looks concerned. Nobody rolls Dan Stein back into the ring
Phillip Blauer: Domino sees it all slipping away now. Unraveled by a stick.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody back in the ring and he tags Dan Stein in the side of the head with a shining wizard kick!
The Phoenix fans let out another loud “OH!” and Stein goes down. Joe Nobody applies a full nelson on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody links his fingers together and pushes Stein’s head down until his chin is in his chest. The Hardkore California Champion has had to have his head on a swivel lately, as anyone could be the person behind all of his attacks and the mind games.
Phillip Blauer: It could be me. Nobody would know.
Kelly O’Connell checks in, but Dan Stein refuses to give up. Domino pounds on the apron, and the crowd claps along, rooting The Punisher on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein has never won in Arizona. The last time Dan Stein was in Phoenix was when he lost to Rated X in a match for the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship back in June of 2006. In August of 2005, he and “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson were unsuccessful in their attempt to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles from Andrew Karnage and the late Adrian Tanner Jr. in a steel cage.
Phillip Blauer: That’s got to stick in his craw.
Dan Stein fights his way back to his feet, with Joe Nobody hanging on to the full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein starts using his strength to try and break out of the full nelson. He cranks those shoulders and biceps until Joe Nobody loses his grip!
The audience erupts with cheers as Stein shakes his head, furious at Nobody. Dan Stein snaps Nobody into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein catches Joe Nobody with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker!
Joe Nobody arches his back in pain while the rowdy crowd pops for Stein. Dan pulls Joe up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein rolls him around, and gives Nobody a receipt for that hangman’s neckbreaker!
Stein remains sitting and points into Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.’s camera and tells Captain Righteous that he’s next
Phillip Blauer: I don’t think Dan wants this smoke, to be honest.
Dan Stein pulls him up and headbutts him. He headbutts him twice more, and then drops down into a facebuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Detroit Hangover!! He pulls him up by the throat with both hands, and then lifts him up in the air by his neck!
The Footprint Center cheers as Dan Stein throttles Joe Nobody by the throat with both hands, as he lifts him off his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein drops him into a sit out chokeslam!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody claps his legs together on Dan Stein’s head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein grabs Joe Nobody again to lock on a bearhug! He tightens his massive grip on Nobody’s ribs as he shakes him.
Kelly O’Connell asks him but Joe Nobody shakes his head, and reaches out for the ropes. The audience chants “JOE!! JOE!! JOE!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody punches Dan Stein over and over to break out of that bear hug.
Dan Stein irish whips Nobody into the ropes, and then ducks down for a back drop, but Joe Nobody goes over him with a floatover DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Status Symbol!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Domino covers her face at ringside, then rubs the bridge of her nose in frustration. Joe Nobody pulls Dan Stein up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes. Joe hits Stein in the chest with a jumping calf kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Perfect Placement by the Hardkore California Champion, dropping Dan Stein to the mat!
The lights fall pitch black
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who turned off the lights?!? Not again!
Phillip Blauer: I’m afraid Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. has been corrupted yet again. He went for much less beef jerky than I had anticipated.
A booming voice comes over the sound system
The future is bulletproof
The aftermath is secondary
It's time to do it now and do it loud
A brief pause as a spotlight beams against the entrance. There, standing in it, wearing a pearl white Adidas tracksuit is Hasbulla
Phillip Blauer: Joe Nobody, that is just a taste of what you have coming.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What are you talking about?
Again the voice booms over the sound system
It's time to do it now and do it loud
Phithy Boyz, make some noise
The sound system begins to play “Na Na Na" by My Chemical Romance as Hasbulla dances
Drugs, gimme drugs, gimme drugs
I don't need it, but I'll sell what you got
Take the cash and I'll keep it
Eight legs to the wall
Hit the gas, kill 'em all
And we crawl, and we crawl, and we crawl
You be my detonator
Love, gimme love, gimme love
I don't need it, but I'll take what I want from your heart
And I'll keep it in a bag, in a box
Put an "X" on the floor
Gimme more, gimme more, gimme more
Shut up and sing it with me
The music abruptly stops with a scratch of a record sound, only to be replaced by “Blessed Up" by Wande
Hasbulla looks sideways at the entrance ramp as Alexander Von Blankenship walks out,
Guillermo O’Bannon: No! This is who has been terrorizing Joe Nobody the past couple months?
A crooked smile is across AVB’s face as he mouths the words "I'm coming for all the gold up in this Hardkore bitch." to Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. Joe Nobody stands at the ropes, shocked
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody turns around into a Stein Line jumping lariat!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The fans cheer and Alexander Von Blankenship mocks feeling guilty for causing that. "Seal The Deal" by Volbeat plays through the Footprint Center
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 59 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
Phillip Blauer: In Dorothy’s memory, I am paying AVB to take the Hardkore California Championship from Joe Nobody. Because she hated his commie hat distribution system.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is deranged, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: We all mourn in our own way.
Dan Stein raises both his arms in triumph as Domino applauds next to him. Out in the aisle, Hasbulla blows his whistle in celebration, jumping up and down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein goes into Palm Springs Punishment 2024, looking to get his Peacemaker back, as Joe Nobody tries to retain his Hardkore California Championship from Alexander Von Blankenship!
The camera opens on Syberus stood inside a bustling, jam-packed restaurant with smoke in the air. Next to him is an overweight aged texan man who kind of looks like an obese Colonel Sanders. He is fanning himself with his white cowboy hat.
Fat Colonel Sanders: Mercy.
Syberus: I'm the great Syberus. Hardkore World legend and wrestling superstar. Most of you know, those of you that have ever seen imagery of our globe and wondered what all the different green bits separated by blue are, that I'm not from these United States. No, I hail from an ancient kingdom know as "Great Britain". Though I have found myself away from home for many years now, one thing that brings me comfort is the wonderful food that can be found across the country. None moreso than down here in Corpus Christi at Reverend Highwater's Smoke House n' Ribs.
Reverend.
Reverend Highwater: Always a pleasure sonny.
Syberus: Now Reverend your smokehouse has been a cornerstone of the Corpus Christi community for 45 years. Tell us what it means to you.
Reverend Highwater (sweating profusely and turning red): As the Lord as my witness I never did get used to the heat.
Syberus: Right... but, what about feeding the community with much loved recipes?
Reverend Highwater: Ohhh down at Reverend Highwater's Smokehouse n' Ribs, you'll never go hungry that's fer sure. What you want, we got.
The chef peers out of a hatch and dings a service bell.
Chef: WE'RE OUTTA RIBS!!!
Syberus: As a man of God, was it important for you for your restaurant to have a strong connection to family?
Reverend Highwater: Bring yer young'ins! Whoooo (he keeps fanning himself). Dey can run riot, we don't mind here at Reverend Highwater's Smokehouse n' Grill. Young'ins is the future. That's what I always told my flock.
A launching child runs past and punches Syberus in the crotch.
Syberus: MOTHERFU-
Cut to a few moments later, Syberus is now sat on a stool breathing heavily.
Syberus: So... Reverend... how did uh... how did it all get started?
Revered Highwater: Well sonny the Lord works in mysterious ways. It was some kinna de-viiine innervention I'll tell ya. But late one mornin' I was walking my lil' dog Rafferty an' a light shone down across the lake the likes of which I never seen.
Comin' down from the heavens was a sight ah can't describe. But I will. It was a flamin' circle with 30 wings, had the head of a lion and eyes coverin' every inch.
Syberus: Flaming lion head eye circle, got it.
Reverend Highwater: Yessir. An' from it came a voice which rattle my very soul.
CLANCY it called.
CLANCY. You gotta smoke some ribs. Smoke some ribs for the Lord, Clancy.
Reverend Highwater: Who am I to deny the commands of Almighty God.
Syberus: Who indeed (he puffs his cheeks and reels down still feeling the effects)
Reverent Highwater: So here we are. We gotcher ribs. We gotcher wings. We got 15 kindsa ketchup.
We got momma's hot sauce. Ol' family recipe. We gotcher glazed ratchets. Yer spiced claymens. Stacks-o'-corn.
The chef peers out of a hatch and dings a service bell.
Chef: OUTTA CORN STACKS!!!
Syberus now incapacitated just hands the microphone to the Reverend who steps in front of him to take up the camera.
Reverend Highwater: So come on down to Reverend Highwater's Smoke House n' Ribs. We're good fer the family. Good fer the soul. That's Reverend Clancy Highwater's Guarantee.
He winks as sweat drips down from his face.
Reverend Highwater: Betsy darlin' could I trouble you for a scotch and soda? I never did get used to his heat.
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the first title match of the night as new Hardkore Women’s Champion Black Tiger puts her title on the line against Mary Yellowbird.
“Don’t Let It Show In Your Face” by Adeva plays and the fans cheer. Mary Yellowbird comes out high fiving the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: 270 pound Mary Yellowbird looking to win her first Hardkore Women’s Championship here tonight in Phoenix. She babysat Black Tiger in the locker room when her parents Dragon Belt and Dragonatrix would wrestle, so she knows who’s under that mask.
Phillip Blauer: What a scoop! Who is it??
Guillermo O’Bannon: No it’s Black Tiger, I mean she knows who she is under the mask.
Phillip Blauer: Right, who is it?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nevermind. But Mary Yellowbird says Black Tiger learned from her mother Dragonatrix, and that will make her tougher than anyone she’s faced lately. The question is…
Phillip Blauer: I got a question, why in the Sam Hill is Kevin Valentine Jr. training to wrestle with her? He’s like 100 pounds. What is he training to be a ringpost?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know.
Mary Yellowbird slaps the hands onf the fans all around ringside and then enters enter ring, locking eyes with Tommy Milligan
Phillip Blauer: What is that look about?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, I don’t know.
Yolanda Ando: Mary Yellowbird wears a dress with slits and beads, she has black boots with Native American symbols and her black hair is in a pony tail.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. The new Hardkore Women’s Champion has a 270 pound challenge standing in the ring waiting for her in her first title defense.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, The Challenger. From Winchester, Kentucky; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 270 pounds…Big Mama, MARY YELLOWBIRD!!!”
The Phoenix crowd applauds and whistles as Mary Yellowbird waves back at them
"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays and silhouettes of roaring and tigers striking and the eyes of a tiger are seen on the tron as Black Tiger walks out with the Hardkore Women’s Championship strapped around her waist. After soaking in the loud cheers, Black Tiger stalks slowly to ringside, all business-like
Guillermo O’Bannon: The second generation star, Black Tiger upset three time Hardkore Women’s Champion Ri Eun-Ae in Los Angeles. A title her legendary mother Dragonatrix never held.
Phillip Blauer: That’ll come out some Thanksgiving in the future.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight, here in Phoenix, she puts it on the line against a woman who, as we said earlier, babysat her back in the day, Mary Yellowbird.
Phillip Blauer: This is the same woman that told her she couldn’t have a second apple juice box. The woman that didn’t restart Chicken Little on Black Tiger’s portable DVD player when it was over. Think of the long dormant rage she must have deep inside her towards this woman.
Yolanda Ando: Black Tiger wears a full bodied black catsuit with dark tiger stripes. She has black wrestling boots on with black tiger claws, black MMA fighting gloves with black tiger claws and a black tiger's mask that covers her entire face and head except for her long dark hair that flows freely from the back of her mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Black Tiger says just because of who her parents are, that isn’t how she got signed to Hardkore World. She toiled hard to get here, but tonight she must contend with the sheer size of Mary Yellowbird. She is the biggest opponent she has faced since coming here to the West Coast.
Black Tiger enters the ring and goes to her corner. She folds her arms glaring up at Mary Yellowbird with the Hardkore Women’s Championship around her waist. Tiger is not breathing, standing still like a statue
Greg Jin: “Her opponent. From Somewhere in Chinatown; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 175 pounds; The Daughter of Dragons; She is The Current HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…BLACK TIGER!!!”
The audience cheers but Black Tiger stands still, as if to strike like a ferocious hungry tiger
Hardkore Women's Championship
Black Tiger vs. Mary Yellowbird
The action starts with big Mary Yellowbird approaching her opponent with the intentions of a classic lock up, only Black Tiger stops the woman short kicking the inside of Mary's legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger shoves Yellowbird back. She cracks her with another stiff kick to her calf, and shoves her back again.
Mary frustrated enough to display her strength by hitting a quick scoop and slam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird has had enough and hammers a few heavy hands just for good measure to Black Tiger's face.
Mary Yellowbird pulls Black Tiger up by the mask and applies a bearhug
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yellowbird with that powerful and body slashing bear hug! She locks her hands together and crushes Tiger’s spine with her massive arms.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Black Tiger refuses to give up. Tiger tries to punch her way out of it, but Yellowbird holds firm to the bearhug
Guillermo O’Bannon: However strong Mary is, a few hard stiff headbutts to Mary's head forces the big woman to let go of Tiger. Black Tiger quickly capitalizes with a fast kick to Mary's legs.
Black Tiger cracks her in the outer thigh with another stiff kick. And another to her shin has Yellowbird hopping on one leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger’s strategy is clearly to take out the wheels of the much larger Mary Yellowbird.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know, those are some pretty big wheels.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger hits her in the breadbasket with a hard elbow, and another one to the gut. She jumps up and hits her with a headbutt! But Yellowbird still won’t go down!
Phillip Blauer: Maybe she should go back to the wheels.
Black Tiger hits her with a muay thai kick that backs Mary Yellowbird into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger runs up on Mary Yellowbird and hits her under the chin with a rising knee!
Phillip Blauer: That doesn’t put her down either.
Black Tiger irish whips her, but Mary Yellowbird reverses it and shoots her into the corner so hard she falls to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird coming in hot with a cannonball!!
The Footprint Center lets out a collective “OH!” at the impact Yellowbird makes against Black Tiger in the corner. She pulls Black Tiger up and leans her against the turnbuckles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yellowbird opens up on her midsection with rapid fire body shots, softening her up in the corner. Mary grabs her by the head and monkey flips her across the ring!
The fans cheer for the height she gets. Black Tiger sits up, rubbing her back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Back on the attack, Mary clubs Tiger as she pulls the masked wrestler to her feet, only for Black Tiger to fire back with a closed fist. The pair are now trading blows. Spinning backfist from Mary!
Black Tiger comes back with several open handed kung fu strikes that stun the 270 pounder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird power slaps Black Tiger across the face!
The Phoenix crowd lets out another “OH!” at the sound of the slap
Phillip Blauer: Once her babysitter, always her babysitter.
Black Tiger composes herself and motions for Mary Yellowbird to bring it. The audience cheers and then Black Tiger hits her with a superman punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger Strike!! And she still doesn’t go down!
Mary Yellowbird does go down to one knee, but pulls herself up by the ropes. Black Tiger clubs her with forearms to her back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary hammers elbows into Tiger forcing the Hardkore Women’s Champion off of her. She grabs Black Tiger by the mask and flips her over onto her back with it!
Mary Yellowbird whacks Black Tiger with a big tomahawk chop to her chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do you hear the sound of those tomahawks?
Phillip Blauer: Do you see the size of those tomahawks?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird with another tomahawk chop that you can hear throughout The Footprint Center!
Black Tiger goes down and Mary Yellowbird does a war dance in the ring, riling the crowd up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yellowbird scoops Black Tiger up and drops her into a backbreaker, then stretches her across her across her knee.
Mary uses her 270 pounds to push down on Tiger’s chin and knees, wearing down her back. The Phoenix fans, especially the kids, chant “TIGER!! TIGER!! TIGER!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird picks Tiger up by her mask, and effortlessly tosses her over the ropes, but Tiger hangs on and skins the cat back into the ring!
Black Tiger back in the ring and sneaks up on an unsuspecting Mary Yellowbird
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger grabs a tazzmission on the back of Mary!
The crowd cheers as Yellowbird whips around, trying to get Black Tiger off her back. Finally she goes down to one knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: She’s got her down to her knees, as Black Tiger tried to cut off her air. Mary Yellowbird stands back up and backpedals into the corner, smashing Black Tiger against the turnbuckles!
Phillip Blauer: Squish!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird overhead belly to belly suplexes her out of the corner!
Mary Yellowbird steps through the ropes and climbs up onto the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yellowbird jumps off with a flying dropkick!! She sticks her knees into Black Tiger’s back and rolls her up into a bow and arrow!
Yellowbird bends her in half, impaling her across her knees. Tiger grimaces in pain but refuses to give up. Tommy Milligan checks in but Tiger shakes her head, not wanting to give up the Hardkore Women’s Championship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird trying to cash in on the damage her earlier backbreaker did. She finally releases the bow and arrow, scoops Black Tiger up and tosses her over the ropes to the floor below!
The crowd cheers as Black Tiger tumbles to the mat. Mary Yellowbird climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Tiger to get to her feet
Phillip Blauer: By the end of tonight, you will believe Yellowbirds can fly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yellowbird comes down with a flying double ax handle that catches Black Tiger between the eyes on the floor!!
The audience chants “MARY! MARY! MARY!” Mary pulls her up and punches her, but Black Tiger returns fire with a kung fu punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary with a headbutt that crosses the eyes of Black Tiger.
Phillip Blauer: How can you tell?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger with several Terry Funk style headbutts to stagger Yellowbird.
Black Tiger backs up and gets a running start around the ringside area
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger with a stroman express, but she bounces right off of Mary Yellowbird onto the floor!
Mary Yellowbird rolls Black Tiger back into the ring and onto her stomach. She stands up and hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird brings all 270 pounds down on Black Tiger’s aching spine with a back splash! She rolls her over and makes the cover.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Black Tiger kicks out!
Both women are slow to get up but when they do, the pair ties up fighting for the upper hand. Mary sweeps Tiger off of her feet, and grabs her leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yellowbird turns her over into a single leg boston crab, but Black Tiger slips her leg out and pushes Mary’s backside with her foot, sending her sailing headfirst through the ropes into the cornerpost!!
The audience lets out a loud “OH!” at the sound of Yellowbird’s head hitting the ring post. She staggers back and turns around right into a spear by Black Tiger
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger Strike #2!!
Phillip Blauer: She finally got her down!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The crowd cheers as “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor plays
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 14 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…BLACK TIGER!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: It took her 13 minutes for Black Tiger to take her off her feet, but when she did, it was for good!
Tommy Milligan hands her the Hardkore Women’s Championship and she raises it high in the air to the applause of the Phoenix crowd. Mary Yellowbird appears behind her, holding her ribs
Phillip Blauer: Uh oh, looks like Mary would like a word.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger senses her and whips around, looking at her challenger.
The fans pop as the two look at one another, Black Tiger unsure of her intentions. Mary Yellowbird extends her hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mary Yellowbird with a show of respect, she babysat her as a child and seems to be proud of the woman she grew up to be.
Phillip Blauer: Maybe now she’ll let her watch a PG-13 movie.
Black Tiger shakes her hand and the Footprint Center roars
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger shakes her hand!
The Footprint Center cheers and the two women embrace
“Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays and the fans boo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who is this?
Phillip Blauer: Who dares interrupt this hug?
Lady Liberty is lowered from the rafters and floats over the ring with her cape blowing
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Lady Liberty! Captain Righteous’ partner!
Phillip Blauer: I didn’t even know the day needed to be saved, yet here she is! That’s why you have to leave it to the professionals, Genghis.
Lady Liberty hovers over the ring suspended by her ropes, glowering down at Black Tiger. Black Tiger motions towards her Hardkore Women’s Championship, inviting her to try and take it
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks like Lady Liberty wants to be the next challenger for Black Tiger, and Tiger doesn’t look to be afraid of the super hero at all!
(The scene opens at a busy, loud public library. Sweet Bone Daddy, The Martian, and Andy Valentine Junior are dressed as stereotypical 90’s chicanos. They seem impatient and look at their watches outside of a study room where Marty Donovan and Olivia Oldham sit, dressed as stockbroker and secretary. The couple drink glasses of champagne.)
The Martian: What is taking so long?
Sweet Bone Daddy: Aye carumba!
(Andy opens the door.)
Andy: Are you almost done, Holmes? Me and the boys need a discreet spot to plan our Jack in the Box robbery.
Olivia: It’s going to be awhile.
Marty: This is the only place I can bone with my secretary since the stupid wife installed ring cameras to make sure the baby is safe or some garbage.
Andy: Help me Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe! There has to be an easier way!
(Phil Blauer walks by whistling while he carries a stack of library books. He is naked like a Palm Spring nudist and the books block his crotch. He looks at the group and chuckles.)
Phil: Yo ese! Catch!
(Phil tosses one of the books to Sweet Bone Daddy! The camera zooms in on the cover where a printed out picture has been poorly taped on it. The image is of a windfarm and the title reads “PALM SPRING PARADISE ''. We transition to the same location in real life as a middle aged man walks into frame.)
Calvin: Hi I’m Calvin Cluckey! I know what you’re thinking. Wasn’t that the alias a fat banker used on an Unsolved Mysteries episode from December 1988? Yes, it is. I am not him! That scumbag employee who stole a fortune of unmarked bills from witness protection is someone else! Okay? Good. For the past ten years I’ve proudly run Palm Springs Windmill Tours. You may ask yourself, why would anyone pay to drive around for a few hours and look at rows of identical windmills? That sounds incredibly boring. Yes. Yes, it is. Let me tell you a life changing secret. You do not have to actually look at the windmills.
(The shot changes to the three gangbangers from earlier driving around the windmill tour in ski masks. They seem to be planning something sketchy in great detail as Sweet Bone Daddy draws on the blueprints of a fast food restaurant . Marty and Ollie are parked in a convertible feeding each other grapes while a baby monitor is ignored on the dashboard. Phil is nude, with his genitals blurred out, and digging a shallow grave. He sees another car drive by and nervously scrambles to wrap a towel around his lower half before going back to digging. We cut back to Calvin sitting on a golf cart.)
Calvin: Seriously, do whatever you want up here in the mountains. Booze. Sex. Drugs. I don’t care as long as you pay the 60 bucks. We’re so desperate for customers. This seemed like a great idea when everyone was stuck in home during the pandemic. KESQ’s John White even did a story on us. Claimed he’d be a regular. Where have you been, Johnny boy? Where have you been? Only thing we get now is teens stealing the copper from the turbines. I wouldn’t care if they paid the 60 bucks. So come on down to the Palm Springs Windmill Farm for whatever you like. It’s not my business to supervise what you do in your own car. Again, I’m not the criminal from Unsolved Murders.
(Calvin walks out of frame. The camera zooms in on a turbine before fading out.)
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Up next is the Hardkore West Coast Championship between two time champion The Sheik, and two time champion Syberus, who would like to win it for an unprecedented third time. They’ve wrestled before, at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, in September of that year. The champion Syberus was victorious over the challenger The Sheik when Tuxedo Mask evened the odds against Sheik’s partner in The Oracles of Suffering, Poena, The Sanctified. Now the roles are reversed, with Sheik’s West Coast Championship on the line.
“Battleflag” by Lo Fidelity Allstars starts up and the Phoenix crowd jumps to their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage. Then out walks an older man
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Adrian Tanner Senior! The father of the late Adrian Tanner Jr. who was Syberus SWAT tag team championship partner in The Connection, and a native of right here in Phoenix, Arizona!
The Phoenix crowd roars and a “TANNER! TANNER! TANNER!” chant starts. Adrian Tanner Sr. gets misty and pats his heart, mouthing “Thank you” repeatedly to the fans. Syberus pats Tanner’s shoulder, and then opens his robe revealing his old “C” Connection t-shirt, getting an ear splitting pop from The Footprint Center
Phillip Blauer: That shirt has seen better days.
Syberus takes a brief look around at the cheering crowd, taking in the “Tanner” chants before heading down the ramp with Adrian Tanner Sr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Adrian Tanner Jr. was the biggest star out of Arizona, and this city was where he had some of his greatest victories with the hometown fans behind him. In February of 2008, he successfully defended the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship over Marty Donovan. In June of 2006, he, along with Marty Donovan and Kilroy Evans successfully defended the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles from Black Wallstreet and the Future World Order in a falls count anywhere elimination match. In August of 2005, he and Andrew Karnage successfully defended the Hardkore World Tag Team titles over “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson and “The Punisher” Dan Stein in a steel cage match.
Adrian Tanner Sr. slaps the audience’s outstretched hands, as the crowd continues to cheer the late Tanner’s memory. He walks past signs that say “Tanner Country” and “Arizona Assassin”
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Syberus has scored some impressive victories since his return to the ring, including a countout victory of the Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody. That earned him tonight’s shot at the Hardkore West Coast title.
Phillip Blauer: Balderdash, whoever fiddled with the lights won him that match against Joseph No One.
Once up the ring steps Syberus wipes his feet on the apron as the fan with the “Six Time Syberus” sign gets it in the shot. Syberus stoops through the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But in Ontario, he scored a non-title victory over Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion The Florida Man in seconds.
Phillip Blauer: Florida’s mask wasn’t on correctly and he couldn’t see. I have already paid to have that match stricken from the record books.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who did you pay to do that?
Phillip Blauer: Andy the intern. He had a book nearby and scribbled in it, and I gave him $20,000. He seemed quite pleased.
Yolanda Ando: Syberus wears black trunks with gold laurel wreaths decorating the front and back. Five gold stars emblazon the rear also. He wears black knee pads and black boots, his boots depict Alexander and Darius respectively taken from the Alexander mosaic found in Pompeii. His wrists and palms are taped in white. To the ring he wears a traditional full length wrestling robe, red with gold roses throughout.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. After that match in Ontario, they had a wild bloody brawl that cleared both locker rooms.
Phillip Blauer: Florida was not ready for Syberus to go for a win so early, we usually have to take two commercial breaks from this guy’s headlocks.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But tonight Syberus goes for the Hardkore West Coast Championship against the wild Sheik. Syberus says he’s not intimidated by The Sheik or his manager’s interference. This is a clash of styles, with Syberus probably hoping to make this a wrestling match, and Sheik wanting a fight. But Syberus says he’s taken all the West Coast’s best brawlers and beat them in a grappling contest. He wants to be the first ever Hardkore West Coast Champion, and he will take out anyone in his way to do it.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Adrian Tanner Sr.!”
The Phoenix audience drowns out Greg to cheer for Adrian Tanner Jr.’s father. He pumps his fist
Greg Jin: “From Manchester, England; He stands 6 feet tall; Weighing 220 pounds; The Five Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
The Phoenix fans let out a loud pop as Syberus puts his arms up. There is a bandage over his shoulder where Florida Man bit him
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Footprint Center boos. The Hardkore West Coast Champion Sheik walks out, swinging at the rowdy fans. Malcolm Xavier Graves follows behind, whacking at the crowd with his cane
Guillermo O’Bannon: In LA, Dan Stein was pressing Malcolm Xavier Graves over his head when Captain Righteous interfered. Instead of helping Stein, a man he has fought beside in the past, he hit him with the Scimitar to retain his Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Phillip Blauer: Did you expect him to wait until Dan felt better? Let’s not forget Dan was in the process of trying to throw his crippled manager into the air.
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans are really letting him hear about it.
Phillip Blauer: The only friend he needs is MXG, and that’s just because Sheik doesn’t have a driver’s license.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time either of these men were in Phoenix was when Syberus lost his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship to Marty Donovan and The Sheik lost his Hardkore West Coast Championship to Eron Hunter in October of 2022.
Phillip Blauer: Bad night in the Desert for both of these guys that night.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves and The Sheik are not impressed by Syberus’ boasts and maintain most of his accolades were many years ago. They did not appreciate his comments about The Sheik, and look to make him suffer for it.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Great King of Terror; The Current HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…THE SHEIK!!!”
The boos thunder down from above. The Sheik runs over and slugs Syberus while he’s handing his ring robe to back-up Hardkore Ring Crew Andy Valentine Jr.
Hardkore West Coast Championship
The Sheik vs. The Great Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: This match is underway!
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik doesn’t get paid by the hour. I imagine it’s by tossing a bag of gold coins in his direction and then backing away slowly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik dives for Syberus’ legs, but Syberus moves away just in time. He tries it again, but again Syberus avoids it.
Syberus goes for a double leg takedown and gets it. He tries to capitalize, but Sheik pushed him off with his boot. Syberus backs away with caution, while Sheik glares at the audience. The Footprint Center jeers back at him, but Sheik is busy conferring with Malcolm Xavier Graves
Phillip Blauer: Sheik getting some good counsel there from MXG.
The Sheik fakes a lock up and grabs Syberus by the hair. He tries to throw him into the corner, but Syberus blocks it with his boot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus smashes Sheik’s face into the turnbuckle! Again!
Syberus bashes Sheik’s face into the turnbuckle for a third time, and then kicks Sheik in the shins
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus hits Sheik with a kick to the knee, and then cracks him with another hard kick to his shin.
Sheik hits Syberus with a punch to his midsection, but Syberus answers with a fast kick to his kneecap
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik punches him in the stomach and runs into the ropes, but Syberus basement dropkicks his knees out from under him!
The audience cheers as Sheik holds his knee, and kicks his toes into the mat with frustration. Syberus motions for him to stand up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik gets up but gets hip tossed across the ring!
Syberus pulls down his knee pad. He spread eagles Sheik’s legs and then kneedrops the side of Sheik’s knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus with the Muscle Killer to Sheik’s knee! He usually focuses on the arm, but he looks to be trying to take out the wheels of the high flying Sheik.
The Phoenix fans applaud as Sheik clutches his knee some more. Syberus pulls him up, but Sheik comes up swinging with a punch to the gut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus snap mares Sheik over his shoulder to the mat. Malcolm Xavier Graves is on the apron!
Phillip Blauer: I imagine it’s tough to get advice to his client with how loud it is in here. He should consider an IFB earpiece, I love mine. People talk to me in and say things like “Phil, you’re ignoring the action.” or “Phil, the show ended two hours ago, they need to lock the place up”...
Adrian Tanner Sr. gets up on the kitty cornered part of the apron and takes a swing at Malcolm Xavier Graves, while Graves threatens the old man with his cane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tanner’s old man has some of The Arizona Assassin in him! Syberus goes after MXG, but he drops back to the floor!
Syberus turns his attention back to Sheik, and irish whips him but Sheik reverses it and shoots him chest first into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik catches the backpedaling Syberus with a back suplex.
The Sheik pulls him up by the hair and punches him a couple times in the stomach. He grabs a side headlock and the Arizona fans boo
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik taking a page out of Syberus’ playbook.
Phillip Blauer: Not so fun when he does it, is it?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus lifts him up onto his shoulder with a back suplex of his own, but Sheik flips and lands on his feet behind him.
Sheik grabs him in a rear waistlock, but Syberus does a go behind and grabs a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus lifts him up in a german suplex, but The Sheik tucks his head and rolls forward, grabbing Syberus’ legs for a victory roll!
…ONE!
…Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus rolls to his feet and kicks a rising Sheik in the head. He grabs him in a front facelock.
A standing Syberus leans back on the front facelock as Sheik searches for escape. Malcolm Xavier Graves yells at Pee Wee Richardson that it’s a choke
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus cranking back in that front facelock, cutting off The Sheik’s air. Syberus has had quite the history here in Phoenix. He lost two Hardkore World Heavyweight Championships here, one to Marty in October of 2022, the other to Andrew Karnage in a dog collar match back in February of 2008. In June of 2006, he went to a time limit draw with Robert Hunglestien III in a steel cage match. In August of 2005, he successfully defended his Hardkore World Light Heavyweight title over Blak Lung.
Syberus positions himself behind Sheik and grabs a full nelson. He locks his fingers together behind Sheik’s neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus drives Sheik butt first into the mat with a full nelson drop!
Syberus pops up to the mat and gives an angry MXG a grin. Syberus sticks his knees into Sheik’s stomach, and grinds his forearm into his cheekbone
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus sawing that forearm across Sheik’s face, while not allowing him to draw a breath with those knees on top of his stomach.
Richie Richardson warns Syberus to get off of him, and gives him till a five count to do it. Undeterred, Richie finally has to pulls Syberus off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus makes a cover with his stomach over Sheik’s face so he can’t breathe.
…ONE!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus applies the udi garami wristlock to Sheik’s arm. He pushes his weight down on Sheik’s wrist, while twisting his elbow at a very painful angle.
Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks Sheik if he wants to tap out but he shakes his head. Malcom Xavier Graves yells at him to get to the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik finally able to hook his free arm around the ropes, and Richardson forces Syberus to release the udi garami.
Syberus pulls him up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes. Sheik ducks a clothesline and Syberus hits the other side of the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik kicks Syberus in the stomach, and lifts him up into a tigerbomb!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus claps his legs together on The Sheik’s head!
Syberus rolls out of the ring, holding the back of his head. The Sheik steps through the ropes out onto the apron, and hops down to the floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves hands Sheik a chair
Phillip Blauer: Now we’re cooking with gas! Which was a real luxory when I was a kid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik clubs Syberus in the head with a steel chair!!
The audience lets out a loud “OH!” at the sound of the chair hitting Syberus in the head and then boo. The Sheik sets the chair up and pulls Syberus up. He punches him a few times, and then sits him in the chair leaning him against the railing. He slides back into the ring and hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik dives through the ropes into a plancha onto Syberus sitting in the chair against the guardrail!!
The Footprint Center rocks with boos as Sheik and Syberus lie on the floor. The Sheik picks the chair up and tosses it over the ropes into the ring, and rolls under the ropes back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus crawls back into the ring, but The Sheik jams the top of that chair into his stomach! He waffles Syberus in the back with the chair!
Syberus arches his back in pain. He staggers up, but The Sheik rams the top of the chair into his stomach again, causing him to stumble back into the corner. The Sheik sets up the chair in front of him, then changes his mind and picks it up again
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik just hurls that chair into Syberus’ face!!
The audience boos as Syberus just teeters in the corner. Now Sheik sets the chair up in front of him and backs into the opposite corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik runs and vaults off that chair into a heel kick in the corner but nobody is home!
The Phoenix fans come to life! Syberus tries to grab the second rope to pull himself up but his hand slips and he falls back to the mat from dizziness
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik should have done that when he had the chance. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik just felt like chucking that chair at him instead. Sheik staggers up but Syberus lifts him up into an atomic drop and then drops him on the standing chair!!
The fans cheer and referee Richie Richardson picks up the chair with the bent seat and tosses it out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pulls him up into an inverted facelock and drops down into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs The Sheik’s arm and falls back into a cross armbar. He sits up and falls back on that arm, trying to pull it out of it’s socket.
The Sheik rolls to his feet, and punches his way out of the cross armbar with his free hand.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik escapes the cross armbar, but runs right into an arm drag. Syberus pulls him up and irish whips him into the ropes, but The Sheik hops onto the middle rope and jumps back into a springboard elbow!
The crowd jeers. Syberus sits up and The Sheik stomps him in the back of the head. He scoops him up and bodyslams him, then steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls on the top rope and catapults himself into a senton, but Syberus puts his knees up!
The audience pops. Syberus pulls him up into a side headlock, and the crowd roars
Phillip Blauer: This thing? Come on! How much for him to do something else?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus locks that headlock on, no one in modern wrestling is as good as he is at still attempting it.
Malcolm Xavier Graves pounds on the mat. Syberus pops his hips and takes Sheik down with a headlock takedown
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus locks his hands together and constricts Sheik’s head like a vice. He first won the Hardkore West Coast Championship from Zack Daniels when he was Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion in a title vs. title match in LA on September 15th, 2005. He won it again on March 27th, 2012 in an eight way elimination match in Albuquerque.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I’m sure he was proud of that one. That was when he booked himself against seven jobbers for the vacant title. He was a mad King. Mad I tell you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus continues to grind that headlock on The Sheik on the mat. The Sheik first won the Hardkore West Coast Championship on August 12th 2022 in the same city as Syberus, Los Angeles, nearly 17 years later, in a threeway with “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar and Natalie Burrows. A year later, on August 18, 2023 he defeated Simon Cruise in Denver for his second Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Syberus sits to put more pressure on the headlock, peeling up on Sheik’s head and neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik has now battled back up to his feet, with Syberus still hanging onto that headlock, trying to twist Sheik’s head off like a bottle cap.
Syberus tightens up the pressure on Sheik’s head, until The Sheik reaches up and scratches Syberus’ eyes with his fingernails
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik irish whips Syberus into the corner. He follows him in with a hurcanrana, but Syberus hangs onto the top rope so Sheik goes down hard alone!
Sheik smacks the back of his head, clutching it. The fans cheer and Syberus goes over and grabs Sheik’s hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus bending back Sheik’s fingers as far as they go!
Phillip Blauer: He’s trying to break his chair swinging fingers!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus sits on his back and applies Sheik’s own Accolade camel clutch on him!
The crowd lets out a monster pop and Syberus keeps telling Richie Richardson to ask Sheik if he wants to give up. The Sheik does a push up, but Syberus sits back and cinches in The Accolade tighter. Malcolm Xavier Graves yells at Sheik to hold on
Phillip Blauer: Syberus needs to get his own finish. Now that every Tom, Dick, and Harry is doing The Pure Confidence, he has to boost Sheik’s finish?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus locks his fingers together, while Sheik continues to refuse to submit to Rickie “Pee Wee” Richardson!
Malcolm Xavier Graves jumps onto the apron to protest and Richie Richardson goes over to tell him to get down
Phillip Blauer: Let him speak, Richie!
The Arizona crowd boos loudly. Syberus looks back at the commotion while The Sheik begins to slip out of the camel clutch
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik powers out of The Accolade and gets to his feet! He rams an elbow into Syberus’ bread basket. He knees Syberus in the groin!
Phillip Blauer: Look, I know low…
Guillermo O’Bannon: No argument here.
Phillip Blauer: …and that looked to be just above the belt to me. Syberus is just being a baby per usual.
The jeers get loud as Syberus clutches his balls, and The Sheik steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik jumps off with a flying leg lariat off the top rope that knocks Syberus over the ropes to the floor below!!
The audience boos as Sheik steps through the ropes and hops onto the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The 20 year veteran Syberus gets out of there, but Sheik hops back up to the apron.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Malcolm Xavier Graves jaws with Syberus, while Sheik stands on the apron waiting for him to turn around. Adrian Tanner Sr. pulls Graves back and threatens him with a right hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs and somersault sentons Syberus off the apron!!
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) 20 year veteran…Sheik got the drop on him, baby.
The fans continue to heckle MXG and boo Sheik as he calls his manager over. Graves nods and then goes and grabs a steel chair. Malcolm jogs over and hands The Sheik the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik chucks that steel chair at Syberus’s skull!!
The sound of the chair ringing off of Syberus’ head rings throughout The Footprint Center, replaced by the wincing of the crowd
Phillip Blauer: Syberus is bleeding like a fountain!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs Syberus by the hair and tosses him over the railing into the front row!!
Sheik stands up on the apron and launches himself into a crossbody that knocks Syberus into the third row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus and The Sheik now out in the third row of The Footprint Center here. The Sheik picks up another chair and cracks Syberus in the head with it!!
The Phoenix crowd yells “OH!!” at the impact of the chair, and a bleeding Syberus drops to the floor. He crawls over fans’ laps and grabs a cup of beer from a goateed fan in a Simon Cruise t-shirt
Phillip Blauer: This is better access than you get most shows.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus smashes Sheik in the face with the beer!!
Phillip Blauer: He probably waited in line for 25 minutes for that beer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs a chair and smashes him with it so hard that Sheik’s head goes through the seat!!
The crowd cheers as Sheik collapses with the chair around his neck. Syberus grabs another chair it up beside them. He pulls a woozy Sheik into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus turns Sheik into a swinging neckbreaker that brings the back of Sheik’s head down onto the back of that chair!!
The fans roar and chant “SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!!” while a now busted open Sheik clutches the back of his neck, kicking his heels into the floor in agony
Phillip Blauer: Now The Sheik is bleeding too!
Syberus pulls Sheik over to the railing and then climbs over himself. He grabs Sheik’s arm and then flips him over the guardrail with an ipponzei judo toss
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus goes for a suplex but Malcolm Xavier Graves whacks him in the back of the knee with that cane!!
The Footprint Center rocks with boos. The Sheik lifts a crimson masked Syberus up in suplex, and drops his groin on the security rail and the hatred from the Phoenix fans is resounding. Syberus crumples to the floor while Malcolm Xavier Graves helps The Sheik set up a table against the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik picks Syberus up by his hair…
Phillip Blauer: Which is stained pink! Quite a sight.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik smashes Syberus’ face into the table against the railing! He rolls Syberus back into the ring and follows him in. He wraps up Syberus’ arm and applies a Le Bell lock!
The jeers are loud as the lacerated Sheik locks his hands together and pulls up on Syberus’ face, while leaning back on his arm. Adrian Tanner Sr. pounds on the apron, rooting Syberus on. On the other side of the ring, Malcolm Xavier Graves keeps telling Richie Richardson that Syberus has given up,
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has grabbed the bottom rope with his one free arm!
The Sheik pulls him up by the bloody hair, and irish whips him into the ropes, but Syberus ducks a clothesline. He applies a half nelson hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: European Three Quarter Nelson!! Syberus pushes down on the back of Sheik’s neck while chicken winging his arm.
Sheik shakes his bloody head, refusing to give up. He backs Syberus into the corner and smashes him into the turnbuckles. Syberus pops Sheik in the face, and then starts laying into him with elbows
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus irish whips Sheik into the corner and follows in, but Sheik backdrops him over the ropes to the floor below!
Malcolm Xavier Graves puts the boots to Syberus, and the crowd lets him have it. Then he helps The Sheik pull Syberus up by the hair and lean him against the table standing against the guardrail. The Sheik stands up on the apron and measures him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik with an asai moonsault on Syberus leaning against the table against the security rail!!
The table breaks and both men lie on the ground in a heap, bleeding on the floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls the broken table pieces away from The Sheik as he recovers. He rolls Syberus back into the ring and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik comes off with a flying leg drop across the face of Syberus!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
The Sheik pulls him up into a single underhook, and then drills Syberus’ face into the mat, leaving a blood stain on the canvas
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik returns the favor by delivering The Pure Confidence on Syberus!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- Syberus gets his foot on the bottom rope
Greg Jin: “Twenty Nine Minutes Have Elapsed. 1 Minute Remaining!”
The audience sighs with relief. Malcolm Xavier Graves shouts instructions and The Sheik steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik slingshots himself over the ropes into a cross body, but Syberus catches him with a diamond cutter!!
Greg Jin: “30 Seconds Remaining!!”
The Phoenix crowd leaps to their feet! Syberus grabs him from behind in a cobra clutch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus drops Sheik down across his knee with a cobra clutch backbreaker!!
Everyone is standing as Syberus pulls The Sheik up into a single underhook. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets a tight shot of Syberus’ elated face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik backdrops Syberus over, reversing The Pure Confidence!
Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. signals for the bell and the audience boos the result as the realization creeps over them
Greg Jin: “Ladies and Gentleman, the 30 minute time limit has expired. Referee Richie Richardson has ruled this match…A DRAW!”
The jeers get louder and louder as both men lie in the ring, exhausted.
Phillip Blauer: Well, Syberus couldn’t get it done.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus looks frustrated, wiping the blood from his face.
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik doesn’t look very happy either.
The Sheik keeps trying to go after Syberus but Malcolm Xavier Graves holds him back. Adrian Tanner Sr. tries to console Syberus, but he asks for the house mic from Greg Jin. Jin walks over and hands it to him
Syberus: “Sheik!! I’m not satisfied with that and I know neither are you! Just give me 5 more minutes, and I know I can beat you!”
The crowd cheers and Malcolm Xavier Graves shakes his head, refusing the offer. But The Sheik is nodding his head
Phillip Blauer: I’m with MXG, nowhere is it written that Syberus should get everything he wants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus trained hard for this and so did The Sheik, and neither man is satisfied with a tie.
Phillip Blauer: These are the rules we have all agreed to. We used to live in a society!
The audience is voicing their approval. The Sheik pushes Malcolm Xavier Graves a little and nods towards referee Richie Richardson. Richardson shrugs and signals to Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr. to ring the bell
Phillip Blauer: What are you doing, Richie??
Guillermo O’Bannon: This match is back on, for a 5 minute sudden death period! Syberus runs and takes out Syberus with a slingblade!
A frustrated Malcolm Xavier Graves is back at ringside and slides a chair under the bottom rope into the ring. The Sheik picks up the chair and jams the edge of it into Syberus’ lower back
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik crashes down on Syberus’ spine with that chair again!
Phillip Blauer: Why not, this whole thing is a farce now.
Malcolm Xavier Graves yells some instructions, and The Sheik rolls Syberus over onto his back. He climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik flips into a moonsault that crashes down across Syberus’ chest!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus gets his foot on the bottom rope!
The Sheik picks Syberus up by the hair and irish whips him into the turnbuckles. He takes that chair and sets it up in the corner in front of Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs at him, steps up on the chair and zeroes in with a heel kick that knocks Syberus over the rope to the floor below!
The Phoenix fans boo. Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls a table out from underneath the ring and sets it up at ringside. The Sheik steps through the ropes out onto the floor. He picks up Syberus by the hair, and he and Graves pick up Syberus and load him on a table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves better keep his hands to himself, he is not a participant in this match.
Phillip Blauer: Mr. Graves has a manager’s license which is more than I can say for the octogenarian Syberus brought down to the ring as back up.
Adrian Tanner Sr. walks over and pushes Graves from behind, knocking him to the floor. The Sheik shoves violently shoves Tanner to the ground. The vitriol from the Arizona audience is deafening. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and his team have to quickly block several fans from jumping the barricade
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey! That is completely uncalled for!
Phillip Blauer: Completely agree. That silver haired fox has not right to put his hands on Malcolm Xavier Graves. The man walks with a cane for crying out loud!
Guillermo O’Bannon: A blood covered Syberus sits up from that table and rocks The Sheik with right hand after right hand!
The Footprint Center is on their feet as Syberus bludgeons a surprised Sheik with a flurry of punches, until he lies The Sheik on the table instead
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik sits up, but Syberus brains him with a chair, knocking him back to the table!!
The audience chants “SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!!” and Syberus rolls into the ring and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus jumps off the top turnbuckle and comes down with a flying elbow to The Sheik on the table on the floor!!
The audience lets out a loud “OH!!” and then celebrate with “SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!!” chants. Both men are now bleeding, lying in a broken table
Phillip Blauer: Typical Syberus hot doggery could be the difference maker, they are running out of his extra 5 minutes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus rolls Sheik back into the ring and then follows him in. The Sheik gets to his knees and throws a punch at an oncoming Syberus. Syberus answers with a european uppercut of his own. They’ve got nothing left!
A kneeling Sheik jabs Syberus in the stomach, but Syberus responds with another stiff european uppercut
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus backs up and running boots The Sheik with the last of his strength!!
A grisly Syberus lies on the mat, bleeding on the canvas while The Sheik is out cold
Phillip Blauer: Syberus doesn’t have any strength remaining to cash in!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men, lying motionless on the mat!
A nervous looking Richie Richardson looks at Greg Jin and Carl Valentine Jr., looking for them to tell him what to do. He finally shrugs and starts doing a double count. The Footprint Center counts along with him
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Syberus rolls to his side, with blood leaking like a faucet on the mat
FOUR!
Guillermo O’Bannon: It appears the first man to his feet will be the Hardkore West Coast Champion!
FIVE!
The Sheik is lying still, Malcolm Xavier Graves is yelling at him to wake up. Syberus has sat up
SIX!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has gotten up slightly while The Sheik has finally moved for the first time since that big boot!
SEVEN!
Adrian Tanner Sr. leads the Phoenix crowd in urging Syberus to his feet, MXG does the same.
EIGHT!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has pulled himself to his knees from the ropes, as The Sheik is now trying to stand in vain.
NINE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus is on his feet!
TEN!!!
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and the crowd leaps to their feet. “Battleflag” by Lo Fidelity Allstars plays and Adrian Tanner Sr. brings the Hardkore West Coast Championship
Greg Jin: “At 34 minutes 35 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND ONCE AGAIN HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus beat the count in a sudden death overtime period, and made history by becoming the first ever three time Hardkore West Coast Champion!
Adrian Tanner Sr. hands a bleeding Syberus the Hardkore West Coast Championship. Syberus holds it up high for the cheering fans. Malcolm Xavier Graves helps The Sheik out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a comeback! These two fought to a thrilling time limit draw, and then literally gave it all they had! And now Syberus stands tall with the Hardkore West Coast title!
A crimson masked Syberus stands on the second turnbuckle, soaking in the roar of the Phoenix crowd with the Hardkore West Coast title belt strapped around his waist
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Open on a shot of Hardkore intern Andy Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. on either side of a ladder, hanging the Hardkore World Tag Team titles on the hooks over the ring. Ringside, there are several ladders set up
Phillip Blauer: Those cretins better watch it with my titles. I paid good money for those.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Welcome back fans, and we are setting up for the ladder match for the Hardkore World Tag Team titles, that yes, Phil paid Marty Donovan and Alexander Von Blankenship to take off of The End.
“No Way Out” by Jefferson Starship plays and The Footprint Center jeers. Bobby Nowa and “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan walk out from behind the curtain and stop to survey the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan did not appreciate the disgusting comments AVB made about Steve Awesome, calling them a pathetic trick.
They both slowly walk to the ring. Anthony Jordan gives his goofy grin and drinks in the jeers while Bobby Nowa makes no acknowledgement of them. A fan holds up a sign that says “Nowa They Win This Match”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan says they are the number one contenders for the Hardkore World Tag Team titles, not only by virtue of their win over Marty Donovan and Callum Cornwall in Los Angeles, but because of who they are and what they have accomplished over the long span of both their careers.
Phillip Blauer: Look, I love these two knuckleheads. But no, absolutely not. Sorry, Charlie. They are not taking my tag team titles.
Anthony Jordan gets to the ring and plays to the booing fans while Bobby Nowa stares down at the entrance, psyching himself up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan isn’t a big fan of ladder matches as they don’t suit his skill set, but will take any shot at the Hardkore World Tag Team titles he can get.
Yolanda Ando: Bobby Nowa wears black boots, dark green and white tights, with a matching headband, with a Pretzel Day graphic t-shirt. Anthony Jordan wears black and yellow long tights with black boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Anthony Jordan believes that Kilroy is on a cold streak, and that Karnage has been off for too long, and that could be the opening that Nowa Out has to win the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships.
Jordan walks back to his corner and starts making last minute plans with Bobby Nowa, pointing at the ladder in the ring
Greg Jin: “The following Ladder Match is for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from the Mississippi Gulf Coast; Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 200 pounds…’THE ROLE MODEL’ ANTHONY JORDAN!! His partner is from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 235 pounds…BOBBY NOWA!! They are NOWA OUT!!!”
The Footprint Center boos as Anthony Jordan can’t believe it. An unbothered Bobby Nowa tosses his t-shirt to Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr.
Then the funky bass line of "Death By Suplex" starts up and the lights in The Footprint Center flicker in time to the pulsing beat, golds and blues. When the lyrics start up, Andrew Karnage and Kilroy Evans walk out. Karnage with a half-smile on his face while Kilroy is looking relaxed
Phillip Blauer: I don’t get it. I took this guy’s Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and he still looks like they put an extra potato wedge in his zucchini sticks.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy is just happy to be back with his best friend, Andrew Karnage.
Phillip Blauer: I tried to destroy this guy on the same night his best friend happens to come back to him? Why do bad things happen to nice people?
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re talking…
Phillip Blauer: About myself, obviously!
Kilroy walks down to the ring, slapping hands with the familiar fans from over the years. Andrew Karnage idly slaps hands with the fans as he walks to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage is nervous about whether or not he has it anymore. His last match was a time limit draw with “Sexy” Anjanette Turner in June of 2022 in San Diego. He’s had a lot of time off lately, and doesn’t want to have a bad showing in front of these loyal Hardkore fans.
Phillip Blauer: These people can go pound sand. Look, everyone deserves a night off, especially in Phoenix. It’s America’s Night Off. Like take me for example, I haven’t added one helpful thing tonight on commentary. Sometimes you just have to treat yourself, Gumby.
Toulouse the Masseuse: This is true, you work too hard Monsieur Phillipe.
Phillip Blauer: Only you know the true me, Toulouse the Masseuse.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage says the only way to know if he still has it, is by trying to decapitate people with clotheslines and ladders again. The Miracle Violence Combination II have held the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship twice before, and look to become the first three time champions in Hardkore history.
Kilroy Evans takes time time to talk to the fans, and point out the signs like “Da Mang Has Returned”, “AK-47”, “Marty’s A Piece Of Philth”,, “Kilroy Was Robbed”, “Ain’t Very Bright” in AVB’s font, “Tanner Country”, “The Miracle Violence Combination Is Back, Baby”, “Farty Marty”, “RIP Steve Awesome”, “Nowa They Win”, “My Boy Kilroy”, and “The Head Dropping Uncle”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy says he’s not upset about losing the X Crown to Ozymandias at Supremacy in Minneapolis or the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship to Florida Man in LA. He’s annoyed that he lost them once again after being betrayed by a friend, namely Marty Donovan again.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t forget me, I betrayed him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, you pretty much lived up to your billing. But Kilroy says you, Marty and AVB have crossed a line this time. This, he can’t ignore.
Phillip Blauer: Like his stationary bike.
Andrew Karnage slides under the bottom rope and throws up a sign language K to the roar of the crowd. Once Kilroy Evans is in the ring, he's still all smiles, but is completely focused on Bobby Nowa and Anthony Jordan now.
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy is wearing a white “MVCII” t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. Andrew Karnage is a bulky muscular, quite defined, tanned dirty blond. He’s got a glorious beard, with a phoenix tattoo on his left pectoral muscle, a Grim Reaper holding a Cerberus over the word “KARNAGE” tattooed on his left bicep, on his right arm is the Japanese kanji is written “OGRE WITH A BIG STICK” inside a stylized Horde Emblem. An “OBEY GIANT” star tattoo is on the inside of his right forearm.
Phillip Blauer: Down, girl.
Yolanda Ando: (rolls her eyes) Andrew Karnage is wearing shorts style tights, blue with white and gold on the edges, a stylized white Mushroom Cloud on the ass with two crossing AK-47s in the burst. White with gold and blue around the edges kneepads and white Bret Hart style boots with blue toes and heels.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans and Andrew Karnage ruled tag team wrestling in the 2000s, and want to see if they can do it again.
Kilroy locks eyes on Nowa, barely blinking as he stares at him.
Greg Jin: “From Hurricane, Utah. He stands 6 feet 5 inches tall, and Weighs 265 pounds; The Head Droppin Uncle, The Utah Frankenstein, He provides Death By Suplex…ANDREW KARNAGE!!!” His partner is from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds; The Attbury Assassin…KILROY EVANS!! They are THE MIRACLE VIOLENCE COMBINATION II!!!”
The audience roars as Karnage throws up the K sign again. Phil boos them from the announce position
Phillip Blauer: Boo!! Boooo!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil!
“Top That” from The Teen Witch Soundtrack plays and a thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is this song?
Phillip Blauer: I took the liberty of buying the rights to the Philthy Animals theme music. This song I feel really epitomizes the attitude I want the Philthy Animals to have. Like “Top that. I don’t really give uh, about tryin to top that.” Like from the streets.
Marty Donovan and Alexander Von Blankenship step out from behind the curtain. AVB has a cocky smirk while Marty looks a little embarrassed to be wearing wrestling slacks adorned with Phil’s face. The Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship is wrapped around Donovan’s waist. Hasbulla walks out blowing his whistle angrily at Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What are those pants??
Phillip Blauer: I also took the liberty of designing Marty’s pants. They’re Wrestling Slacks. I think they’re gonna be a big hit at the merch tables. “For the good hand, who wants to be good with the ladies as well.”
Toulouse the Masseuse: I like this. I also like the little man.
Phillip Blauer: Say the word and he’s yours.
Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship said some horrible things about the recently departed Steve Awesome that were really disgusting.
Phillip Blauer: Look, the guy just works for me. I can’t control every dumb thing the kid says. The important thing is he’ll do anything to get noticed and he even more than that for money.
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring he points to random fans, stating loudly "I'm better than you" as he goes. Marty sort of shrugs behind him. Hasbulla swats Donovan in the butt to keep moving
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty explains he had to do it because losing his Disney money would cause too big a hit to his opulent lifestyle. Imagine betraying a friend over a country club membership?
Phillip Blauer: You don’t get it. Once you’ve been on those lush greens and hobnobbed with retired hospital administrators and current hospital administrators?! There’s no going back. Behind all those pastel golf shirts beats a heart that would sell their mother for those dues. But I’m sure it’s the same way at the place you go to where you have to putt the ball into the clown’s mouth, yes?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan has great memories of the last time he was here in Phoenix, it was when he won his first Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Syberus in October of 2022. Before that was February of 2008 when he lost a match for the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight title to the late great Adrian Tanner Jr. A year earlier in 2006, he teamed with Tanner and Kilroy to defend the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles from Black Wallstreet and the Future World Order in a falls count anywhere elimination match.
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping Marty before he steps on them, Von Blankenship gives the ring the sign of the cross blessing. Marty sighs and nods, then enters the ring, being careful not to get too close to anyone. Alexander Von Blankenship climbs the outside turnbuckle. AVB looks towards the entire Phoenix crowd and yells out "Always Very Blessed!!" before jumping down into the ring. Hasbulla blows his whistle at Kilroy, who is staring at Marty. Karnage is nodding at a smug Alexander Von Blankenship. Anthony Jordan murmurs into Bobby Nowa’s ear
Yolanda Ando: Marty is wearing those ridiculous yellow wrestling slacks with Phil’s face on them, with Bryan Danielson style boots with kick pads. He’s got the floating lantern from Disney's Tangled tattooed on his heart.
Phillip Blauer: Yowsers, gonna need to get that covered up before the next round of Hardkore action figures hit the streets.
Yolanda Ando: Alexander Von Blankenship is wearing dark blue Adidas sweat pants, with his hands taped like a boxer, with “AVB” written across the knuckles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have very different reasons for being Phil’s employees, but Andrew Karnage and Kilroy do not care. Nor do Bobby Nowa and Anthony Jordan for that matter. The Miracle Violence Combination II want their blood, and Nowa Out want their Hardkore World Tag Team titles. So these two have to work as a unit to keep them.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents are accompanied to the ring by Hasbulla; Hailing from Amsterdam in The Netherlands; He stands 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds, He is Hell’s Spawn, The Bastard’s Son…ALWAYS VERY BLESSED, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!! His partner is from Cheshire, Connecticut, Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 218 pounds; He is One Half of the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Champions… MARTY DONOVAN!! They are the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE PHILTHY ANIMALS!!!”
The Footprint Center rocks with boos! Alexander Von Blankenship raises his fist to their hatred and smiles
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship
Ladder Match
The Philthy Animals (Marty Donovan and Alexander Von Blankenship)
vs.
The Miracle Violence Combination II (Kilroy Evans and Andrew Karnage)
vs.
Nowa Out (Bobby Nowa and Anthony Jordan)
Kilroy runs after Marty, but Donovan hightails it to the floor.
Phillip Blauer: Careful! He almost ripped the slacks. They’re a prototype!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan catches a distracted Kilroy from behind with a back suplex!
Phillip Blauer: Just like that, he can get you.
The audience boos. Andrew Karnage grabs Alexander Von Blankenship in a muay thai clinch, and then throws a knee at his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage with another knee to AVB’s face, and another. These two have a history, Von Blankenship eliminated Andrew Karnage in his debut match in the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Tournament in Palm Springs in May of 2022.
Phillip Blauer: Many people think AVB is what broke Andrew Karnage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You think that. Anthony Jordan irish whips Kilroy into Bobby Nowa who back body drops him into the lights!
Kilroy lands and sits up from the impact. Bobby Nowa hits Andrew Karnage with a hard chop getting a “Woo!” from the audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage and Bobby Nowa had it out 20 years ago, and now they are picking up where they left off! Andrew Karnage responds with a clubbing vader forearm!
Nowa’s head rocks back from the impact, but he comes back with another blistering knife edge chop to Karnage’s glistening pectorals
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, why does Karnage look better now than he did in 2008?
Guillermo O’Bannon: We don’t hassle people by asking for their pee pee. Andrew Karnage bashes Nowa with another stiff forearm!
Anthony Jordan pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up but AVB pokes him in the eye. Bobby Nowa smacks Karnage in the chest with another hard chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: AK-47 hits Nowa with another forearm, and then head and arm suplexes him across the ring!
The Phoenix crowd erupts. Von Blankenship scoops Anthony Jordan up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker. Marty Donovan hops up onto the apron, and then slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan springboard front missile dropkicks Andrew Karnage and Anthony Jordan!!
The crowd boos. AVB goes to pick up Nowa, but Bobby takes him over into an over the shoulder judo toss
Donovan goes to kick a rising Kilroy but Evans catches his leg, popping The Footprint Center. Marty tries to talk Kilroy off the ledge
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think any Desert News Hawk sweeps piece is going to get him out of this one!
Phillip Blauer: Wait till I add haunting cello music!
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Donovan swings around with an enzuigiri kick to Kilroy’s ear!
The fans let out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Marty’s boot hitting Kilroy’s skull. Meanwhile, Anthony Jordan grabs a side headlock on Andrew Karnage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa applies an armbar on Alexander Von Blankenship. On the other side of the ring, “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan grinds that headlock on Karnage.
Marty tries to pull Evans up, but drops to his knee and snap mares Marty over. Nowa sticks his knee into Von Blankenship’s shoulder and clamps down on the armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Alexander Von Blankenship was in Phoenix he was in another threeway.
Phillip Blauer: Hey Yooo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it was October of 2022, when he beat Ruben Bowman and Tuxedo Mask in a threeway to win a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Championship. Anthony Jordan pops his hips and takes Andrew Karnage over into a side headlock takedown. Meanwhile, Kilroy Evans applies a stump puller to Marty Donovan.
Bobby Nowa tries to rip AVB’s arm out of its socket with that armbar. Andrew Karnage works his way back up to his feet, but Anthony Jordan does a go behind into a chicken wing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy pulls Marty Donovan up by the ankles while he sits on the back of his neck. Jordan cinches up that hammerlock on Andrew Karnage’s arm.
Phillip Blauer: Evans really putting that KFC family bucket-made bottom on the back of Marty’s neck, isn’t he?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship works his way to his feet with Bobby Nowa hanging onto that armbar. He uses his free arm to scoop Nowa up and drop him on his knee with a backbreaker.
Kilroy Evans pulls Marty Donovan to his feet and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan comes back with a slingblade to take down Kilroy Evans!
Alexander Von Blankenship rolls out of the ring and grabs a ladder that is standing up at ringside. Inside the ring, Anthony Jordan goes for a suplex, but Karnage blocks it, popping the Phoenix fans
Phillip Blauer: I will say, Karnage standing very patiently for Anthony Jordan to stop trying to suplex him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage lifts Anthony Jordan up into a stalling vertical suplex!
The crowd roars as Andrew Karnage holds Jordan up in the suplex. AVB slides the ladder under the ropes into the ring. Karnage begins to motion for more noise and the Phoenix fans oblige. Karnage positions Jordan in front of the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage finally drops Anthony Jordan to the ladder with that textbook suplex!!
The audience lets out another collective “OH!” at the sound of Anthony Jordan landing on that ladder that rings through The Footprint Center
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan kicks Jordan off of the ladder, and rolls Kilroy onto it instead.
Phillip Blauer: Quit hogging the ladder, Tony!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan hits the ropes, but Kilroy rolls off the ladder and drop toeholds Donovan face first into the ladder!!
The audience erupts and Marty clutches his face in pain. He rolls out of the ring to recover into the arms of Alexander Von Blankenship at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulls Anthony Jordan up into a headlock, but Jordan lifts him up into a shinbreaker atomic drop.
Evans hobbles a few feet, and then falls through the ropes out onto the floor. Andrew Karnage picks up the ladder and leans it into the corner. He pulls Nowa up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage goes to irish whip Nowa but Bobby reverses it and shoots Karnage into the ladder in the corner!
The fans boo. Bobby Nowa takes the ladder and places it against Karnage’s face and chest. He backs up into the other corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa gets a running start and stinger splashes that ladder into Andrew Karnage’s chest!
The jeers get louder for Bobby Nowa. But then, on the floor, Kilroy Evans stumbles over and grabs a scared Marty Donovan by the hair
Phillip Blauer: Oh no! He’s got him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Alexander Von Blankenship comes up from behind and kicks Kilroy in the back of the knee. Another swift kick to his knee on the floor. Inside the ring, Anthony Jordan scoops Karnage up and drops him on his knee with a backbreaker.
Outside the ring, Alexander Von Blankenship whacks Kilroy Evans with some chops on the floor, backing him against the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan holds Karnage in a front facelock while Bobby Nowa smashes his spine with double ax handles over and over.
Marty Donovan steps up to the apron, and then hops onto the middle of the second rope. He backflipped into an asai moonsault DDT that takes Kilroy Evans into the front row of the audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reedy Creek Racing!!
Phillip Blauer: One member of The Miracle Violence Combination II is getting the how-do-you do in the ring, while the other member is getting the ring-a-ding-ding out in the audience. I thought these guys were tag team savants?
Alexander Von Blankenship hops over the security rail to get into the front row. He starts kicking and stomping Kilroy Evans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Inside the ring, Anthony Jordan atomic drops Andrew Karnage into Bobby Nowa’s clothesline, that backs him up into a russian leg sweep by Jordan!!
Nowa Out hits Andrew Karnage with double elbow drops and gets jeers from the sold out Footprint Center. AVB continues to stomp Kilroy in the front row of the audience, while Marty Donovan yanks a chair away from a fan violently, sparking some jeers from the crowd. Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. gets involved and holds the angry fan back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey!
Phillip Blauer: Is that hillbilly really ready to die over a folding chair??
Inside the ring, Anthony Jordan lifts the ladder up on its side. Out in the crowd, Marty Donovan sets up the chair in the second row of the audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the ring, Bobby Nowa atomic drops Karnage’s groin on the side of the ladder!
The Footprint Center rocks with boos as Andrew Karnage’s legs cross in agony. Hasbulla blows his whistle incessantly. Out in the second row, Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of AVB pulling Kilroy up into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Out in the crowd, Alexander Von Blankenship swinging neckbreakers the back of Kilroy’s head into the back of that chair!!
The Phoenix audience lets out another “OH!!” Kilroy Evans clutches the back of his head, stomping his heels into the floor in discomfort. In the ring, Nowa Out lays out the ladder, and pulls Andrew Karnage up into a double suplex position. They go for it, but Andrew Karnage blocks it, and the audience erupts
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage lifts Nowa Out up into a double gourdbuster on the chair!!
The Arizona fans jump up and down chanting “KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!!” as Nowa and Jordan hold their chests
Guillermo O’Bannon: These Phoenix fans love Andrew Karnage! He teamed with Arizona native, the late Adrian Tanner Jr. as The Un-Stable, winning the Hardkore World Tag Team titles together. The last time Andrew Karnage was in Phoenix was back in February of 2008 when he defeated Syberus for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in that legendary dog collar match. In June of 2006, he lost to James Fierce. In August of 2005, he and Adrian Tanner Jr. successfully defended the Hardkore World Tag Team titles over “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson and “The Punisher” Dan Stein in a steel cage match.
Outside in the crowd, Marty Donovan takes Kilroy out in the 5th row with a rolling wheel kick. Marty steps over the railing, into the ringside area, and then rolls back into the ring. Marty picks up the ladder and sets it up near the ropes. Andrew Karnage lifts Bobby Nowa up into a half nelson hammerlock and then drops him on the back of his head with a tiger suplex ‘85
Guillermo O’Bannon: White Tiger Suplex!!
Out in the crowd, AVB pulls Kilroy up by his hair in the 5th row while Donovan climbs to the top of the ladder
Phillip Blauer: Careful…don’t wreck the pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty jumps off the ladder in the ring with a somersault senton into the crowd, but Kilroy pulls Alexander Von Blankenship into his way!!
The Phoenix fans chant “KILROY!! KILROY!! KILROY!!” as all three of them lie in the 6th row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Inside the ring, Andrew Karnage applies a single leg boston crab on Anthony Jordan! He plants his feet and sits low, trying to hyperextend the knee of Anthony Jordan.
Out in the crowd, Kilroy Evans atomic drops AVB into a tree of woe on the railing, facing the audience. Inside the ring, Andrew Karnage steps on the back of Jordan’s neck, leaning all of his 263 pounds on his vertebrae
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans gets a running start and spears an upside down Alexander Von Blankenship against that railing out in the audience!!
The Phoenix fans cheer wildly. In the ring, Bobby Nowa comes up from behind and atomic drops Karnage to get him to release the single leg boston crab on Anthony Jordan. Nowa irish whips Andrew Karnage into the ropes and catches him with a belly to belly suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Bobby to Belly Suplex, but Andrew Karnage gets right back up!!
The crowd is deafening as Andrew Karnage wipes himself off and stares at a shocked Bobby Nowa
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Head Droppin Uncle picks him up in a front waistlock and belly to belly suplexes Bobby Nowa up and over his head!!
Karnage steps through the ropes out onto the floor. He goes over to the railing where AVB is still in the tree of woe in the crowd. He gets down on his stomach and applies a reverse chinlock through the railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage peeling back on the head and neck of Alexander Vob Blankenship through that guardrail. From his other side, Kilroy picks up a chair and jams the edge into AVB’s exposed stomach!
Von Blankenship holds his stomach and collapses to The Footprint Center floor. Kilroy politely asks three fans if he can borrow their chairs and they happily agree. Kilroy lays Marty across the three chairs as Karnage steps over the railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage lifts Kilroy up in a back suplex and then drops him so that he elbow drops Marty on the chairs!!
The fans cheer and chant “KILROY!! “KILROY!! “KILROY!!” and Kilroy high fives a few of them, while Andrew Karnage turns around and sees AVB leaning against the guardrail in the front row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy is very popular here in the Desert! The last time he was here was in October of 2022 when he defeated Poena, the Sanctified in an Arizona State Fair match.
Phillip Blauer: That “match” ran off a huge earner and probably cost us millions.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In February of 2008, he lost to Roscoe Law who just returned tonight. In June of 2006, he, along with Marty Donovan and the late Adrian Tanner successfully defended the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles from Black Wallstreet and the Future World Order in a falls count anywhere elimination match. In August of 2005, he defeated “The Saikyo Terrorist” Tatsuya Arakawa. In August of 2004, this is defeated his biggest rival, Death Gojira in the legendary bloodsoaked falls count anywhere match. Andrew Karnage gets a running start and yakuza kicks him up and over the railing to the ringside area!
The Phoenix fans cheer. Karnage steps over the railing back to ringside, when suddenly Anthony Jordan clips his knee from behind. The cheers turn to jeers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan pounding away on Karnage’s knee with several elbows.
Inside the ring, Bobby Nowa pulls down the ladder and lies it flat on the mat. Jordan pulls Karnage up by the hair and rolls him back into the ring to his awaiting partner Bobby Nowa.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa full nelsons Karnage into The Rosebud inverted russian leg sweep on the ladder!!
The boos are very loud as Karnage clutches his face and rolls out of the ring. Nowa stands up and looks at the Hardkore World Tag Team titles hanging over the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans catches Nowa from behind with a bulldog onto the ladder!!
The audience comes to life as Kilroy pulls the ladder up and sets it up under the Hardkore World Tag Team titles. He begins climbing up the ladder
Phillip Blauer: Where does he think he’s going?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy going for the gold!
Phillip Blauer: No! Captain Righteous?? Help!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan climbs up the other side and grabs Kilroy on the top with a front facelock. He hooks Kilroy’s arm, and then shows incredible power by suplexing him up and over off the ladder!!
The Footprint Center boos. Bobby Nowa begins walking up the ladder to claim the titles, so the jeers get louder and louder with every rung
Phillip Blauer: Marty! Earn your membership dues!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan, in fact, climbing up and hammers Bobby Nowa with some punches. He lifts Bobby up in a suplex of his own, but then drops his head on the top of the ladder in a brainbuster!!
Both men fall to the mat, exhausted. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets a shot of Alexander Von Blankenship seeing that, and getting an idea
Phillip Blauer: Yes, yes! AVB climb to the heavens!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy now climbing up the other side behind him!
Marty Donovan runs to the ladder but Andrew Karnage swings a club like lariat that knocks Donovan into a sprawled out position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nightmare Lariat!! Kilroy Evans drops Von Blankenship with The Bad Touch diamond cutter off the ladder!!
The audience leaps to their feet in jubilation. Andrew Karnage climbs up the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage grabs the belts!! We have new champions!
Phillip Blauer: What?? No!
Phil throws a bunch of 100s in the air in disgust as “Death by Suplex” by Powdered Wig Machine plays
Greg Jin: “At 25 minutes 16 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND ONCE AGAIN HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE MIRACLE VIOLENCE COMBINATION II!!!”
Andrew Karnage and Kilroy Evans celebrate with the belts in mid ring as the crowd is deafening.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Miracle Violence Combination II claim an unprecedented third Hardkore World Tag Team Championship!
Marty rolls out of the ring, AVB points at him to Phil behind Donovan’s back. Marty shrugs as he passes the announce position.
Phillip Blauer: I’m going to see what the refund policy is at this establishment.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage came out of retirement and becomes a five time Hardkore World Tag Team Champion! That’s the most times anyone has held the tag team belts in Hardkore World’s 35 year history. He wanted to see if he still had it and he does!
Karnage and Kilroy are out by the railing with the crowd, high fiving and hugging the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans gets some revenge from The Philthy Animals, taking their Hardkore World Tag Team titles like they took his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship here tonight in Phoenix, don’t go away we have The Philthy Animals’ Florida Man putting his Hardkore World Championship on the line against Simon Cruise here in the main event!
Scorpion stands in front of a giant warehouse.
Scorpion: “Just because I’m a professional in my day job doesn’t mean I completely hung up my freak flag. There’s time for work and play. That’s why I want to talk to you about Burt’s Butt Plug Emporium!”
The camera zooms out to show “Burt’s Butt Plug Emporium” in flashing neon flights. The shot changes to show Scorpion inside.
Scorpion: “Folks, you wouldn’t walk across the desert with no preparation and butt play isn’t any different. That doesn’t mean you need to go broke with the designer products! The common man’s butt plug will stretch you out as you stretch out your dollar at the register!”
The shot changes to Scorpion walking down the aisle.
Scorpion: “Lube, toys, reading material, and so many more products available for you to live your best life!”
The shot changes to Scorpion standing outside.
Scorpion: “You can see us from the Interstate! We’re on the corner of 45th and Long! If you see the inflatable gila monster, then you drove too far!”
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our big main event, new Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Florida Man won his belt in the LA Freeway match with Kilroy Evans, now he puts it on the line with the number one contender Simon Cruise.
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over The Footprint Center and the Arizona fans leap to their feet for the local boy. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launches himself into the audience on Robinson, his talking surfboard. If any of the Phoenix crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise earned this opportunity in Los Angeles when he defeated two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Cross Recoba. He says he had to, as he was a cancer on Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, that “cancer” got us growth in ratings and attendance. If that’s cancer, give me cancer!
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board. A waiter comes to the announce table with a plate with a metal cover. He lays it down on the announce desk
Phillip Blauer: Oooh, my dinner’s here.
Waiter: (lifts cover) Roasted goose, sir with chestnut stuffing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Don’t Champagne and Alistar get nervous when they see you eat that?
Phillip Blauer: They’re swans, you racist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise was not happy that this match was in landlocked Phoenix…
Phillip Blauer: (mouth full of goose) This guy, he’s like the Bret Hart of beaches. Maybe we should just leave him home until we get back to the Coast? Just steams my beans…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise tried to fend off his coastal depression by taking a road trip with his close personal friend, Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr.
Phillip Blauer: (chewing) Jeez, crack a window.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Simon Cruise has decided he wants to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship for Kilroy Evans, who had it stolen from him by Alexander Von Blankenship, Marty Donovan, and Florida Man.
Phillip Blauer: And me. Don’t forget me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And Phil.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Simon Cruise says Hardkore World deserves better than Florida Man, and I agree. We’ll see if he can make it happen tonight.
“Gimme Some Lovin'” by The Spencer Davis Group plays and the Phoenix fans jeer as Florida Man walks out with the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship slung over his shoulder and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist.
Phillip Blauer: There he is! That’s my champion! Might as well have a price tag hanging off of him! We had quite the little 22 Skidoo at my place afterwards, I purchased the finest Four Lokos money could buy, ostriches, and invited all the surviving members of the Beverly Hillbillies as guests.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Isn’t that just Jethro?
Phillip Blauer: (chewing) Yes, and he doesn’t tell you that until the check clears. But he’s gotten very good at impersonating them on the phone. Why Granny told me to blow it out my kazoo, that old bat!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. gets Florida Man past the booing and cursing fans. He walks past signs that say “Cruise Will Surf That Gator”, “Kilroy Was Robbed”, and “Surf’s Up”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy had Florida Man on the ropes in that LA Freeway match when Marty and AVB popped out of the trunks of those cars to attack and Kilroy and give him, and you the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. How could you?
Phillip Blauer: I will have you know I left a can of yummy sardines for both men to eat in the trunks of those cars. But did I get a World’s Best Boss mug?
Yolanda Ando: Florida wears a mask resembling an old Halloween gorn mask, only the snout has been elongated to look more like a gator. A wide brim straw hat appears to have been stitched into the mask. The brim is angled to look like a halo. A small hole in the corner of his plastic toothy smile is so he can easily access his cigarettes, but at the moment it holds a piece of straw to complete his lackadaisical country swagger. Instead of traditional tights, he wears overalls and vintage Publix tee.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Florida Man says he has to keep the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship away from guys like Simon Cruise and others who respect Hardkore’s history.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, Daddy-O. Those cats are old news. Wearing Alligator masks is what’s hip now, ya dig?
The lights go out and a spotlight hits Greg Jin in the center of the ring
Greg Jin: “Ladies and gentleman, this is the main event of the evening!”
The Footprint Center cheers
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is for the HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds, The Big Kahuna…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The Phoenix fans roar and Simon Cruise gives them a hang loose sign
Greg Jin: “And his opponent from Mosquito Paradise, Air Conditioned Hell, The Crocodile Cradle of Florida; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 198 pounds; He is One Half of the Wrestle:UK Tag Team Champions and The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…FLORIDA MAN!!!”
Florida Man holds up both his Hardkore World and Wrestle: UK Tag Team title belts up to the boos of the crowd
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Florida Man vs. Simon Cruise
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Florida Man goes for a lock up but Simon ducks under and grabs him from behind in a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise floats over into a side headlock. He cranks up on Florida’s head and neck…but Florida starts biting his wrist!
The Phoenix fans boo and Cruise cries out in pain.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I do believe I forgot to feed him.
Tommy Milligan gives him a five count to stop biting him and Florida Man finally does. He kicks Simon Cruise in the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man goes to punch him but Simon Cruise arm drags him. He flips Florida Man across the ring with a Japanese armdrag into an armbar.
Simon Cruise leans back back on his trapped arm, trying to put pressure on his shoulder and elbow. Florida Man works his way back to his feet while Simon Cruise hangs on to the armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida uses his free arm to punch Simon Cruise, but he hangs onto the armbar. Cruise cinches in the armbar even tighter.
Florida Man grimaces in pain. Simon Cruise torques his arm to the side, doubling Florida Man over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man uses his good arm to crack Simon Cruise with a forearm smash but Cruise continues to hang on to the armbar.
Phillip Blauer: I’m surprised this effects Florida Man so, he’s got very small arms.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, he has normal sized arms. You know he’s not a real alligator, right? He’s a human being in a costume.
Phillip Blauer: I…is that confirmed?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man pokes Simon Cruise in the eyes to finally escape that arm bar.
The audience boos as a blinded Simon Cruise stumbles backwards. Florida Man picks him up on his shoulders in a fireman’s carry and spins him around
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man airplane spins Simon Cruise and then dumps him on to the mat. He hits the ropes and elbow drops him.
…ONE!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man now choking Simon Cruise on the mat!
The Footprint Center boos louder and louder as Tommy Milligan tries to peel him off of Simon Cruise
Phillip Blauer: I think Florida was tired of this guy moping about beaches too!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida picks him up for a suplex, but Simon Cruise blocks it and rolls back into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man gets up, but Simon Cruise leg sweeps him back to the mat. He jumps up and leg drops him across the face!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise shoots Florida Man into the ropes and then hits him with a flying knee lift!
Florida Man gets up but Simon Cruise dropkicks him back down again. Florida Man bails out of the ring while the crowd cheers Cruise
Phillip Blauer: Hang on, I got this.
Florida Man paces the ringside area, frustrated. Phil Blauer leaves his announce position and walks over to counsel Florida Man, whispering in his ear
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man doesn’t seem to quite understand Phil’s advice.
Phil pulls out a wad of cash, and slips it into his overalls
Guillermo O’Bannon: He seems to get it now.
Phil walks back to the announce table. Florida Man gets back up on the apron, but Simon Cruise goes over to meet him. Florida Man slugs him to back him off a little
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man slingshots over the ropes into a punch to Cruise’s jaw! He grabs Cruise and drops down into a stunner!
Florida Man bounces into the ropes and jumps onto Simon Cruise with a big splash
Phillip Blauer: All 198 pounds of Florida Man crashing down onto him!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man double stomps Simon Cruise! And again! He starts jumping up and down on Cruise’s body like a trampoline! Touch The Sky!
The Footprint Center boos and Tommy Milligan finally pulls him away
Phillip Blauer: Get your grubby hands off him, Tommy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man pulls him up into a front facelock, but Simon Cruise flips him into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise irish whips him into the ropes and takes him out with a spinning heel kick!
The audience cheers as Simon Cruise pulls Florida Man up and butterflies his arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise drives Florida’s face into the mat with a pedigree! He rolls him over and climbs to the top turnbuckle. Cruise jumps off with a frog splash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise applies a guillotine choke! He rocks back on Florida Man’s head and neck.
Phillip Blauer: Oh no, his gator head will come off and his true identity will be revealed! My money is on Tim Tebow.
The crowd cheers as Florida Man shakes his head, refusing to tap out to Tommy Milligan. Simon Cruise uses his smaller frame to really cinch it in
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man punches Simon Cruise in his ribs until he releases the guillotine. Cruise gets to his feet, but Florida low blows him!
The Phoenix fans jeer as Simon Cruise’s legs cross and he tips over to the mat. Florida Man climbs up to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida comes off the top with an atomic leg drop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Florida Man does the crane kick pose as Simon Cruise struggles to get to his feet. The audience boos
Phillip Blauer: Ah, yes, this is the move I paid him just now for.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man crane kicks Simon Cruise in the face!
Florida Man walks to the ropes and does the The Worm
Phillip Blauer: (chewing) This was the other thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida gets up to him, does the chops, but Cruise rolls out of the way!
Phillip Blauer: (spits out his goose) No! He must have done The Worm wrong!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise runs and diving clotheslines Florida Man over the ropes to the floor below!
The crowd roars and chants “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” Simon Cruise climbs back up on the apron and gets a running start, hitting Florida Man with a knee lift when he gets up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wipe Out ‘17!! Simon Cruise rolls back into the ring and hits the ropes, diving over the ropes with tope con hilo!!
Both men lie on the floor, dazed. Simon Cruise later picks Florida Man up and rolls him back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man gets up and runs into the ropes, and baseball slide kicks Cruise as he tries to get back into the ring!
Cruise flies back into the railing, smacking it hard. Florida Man runs into the ropes a vaults over the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Suicide dive by Florida Man onto Simon Cruise against the railing!
The audience boos as both men fall back to the floor. Florida Man walks over and grabs Phil’s roasted goose
Phillip Blauer: Hey! I was still…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man blasts Simon Cruise in the head with that goose!!
Phillip Blauer: Oh, the chestnut stuffing went everywhere!
Florida Man climbs to the top turnbuckle and then looks over his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida does a Leap of Faith coffin drop but Simon Cruise moves and he hits the steel railing!!
The Phoenix crowd comes to life at the sound of the crack of Florida Man hitting the guardrail.
Phillip Blauer: Trust falls are not for championship title matches!
Simon Cruise pulls some goose and stuffing out of his hair on the floor, then rolls back into the ring. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and jumps off with a springboard senton
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wipeout ‘18 on Florida Man on the floor!!
The Footprint Center chants “SIMON! SIMON! SIMON!” Simon Cruise climbs back up on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise backflips off the second rope with an asai moonsault onto Florida Man!!
Cruise gives the crowd the hang loose sign, and rolls Florida Man back in to the ring. He climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise 450 splashes Florida Man!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise irish whips Florida into the ropes and blows him away with a Bitchin Dropkick!
Phillip Blauer: I really miss my goose. I’m still so hungry.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise scoops Florida Man up and drills him with a tombstone piledriver!
The audience pops as Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise somersaults off with a Wavebreaker but Florida Man puts his knees up into Simon’s spine!!
Simon Cruise arches his back in pain as the air goes out of the Phoenix crowd. Florida Man pulls him up into a suplex and then drops him on his skull with a brainbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mindblower!
Florida Man steps Cruise through the ropes and then leans him backwards along the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man steps up to the second turnbuckle and jumps off with a guillotine leg drop!!
Cruise lands badly on the back of his head. The audience boos and starts chanting “FLORIDA SUCKS! FLORIDA SUCKS! FLORIDA SUCKS!”
Phillip Blauer: Are they talking about the man or the state? Or the college?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Whatever it is, it’s getting under Florida Man’s skin.
Phillip Blauer: I thought you said that was a costume?
Florida Man kicks the ropes and threatens to jump the railing to some of the fans. He pulls Simon Cruise up and cracks him with a roundhouse that floors him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kira’s Jaw Breaker!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
The audience continues to chant “FLORIDA SUCKS! FLORIDA SUCKS! FLORIDA SUCKS!” Florida Man shouts at a ringsider to “say it to my face!” Pointing at his alligator mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man lifts Simon Cruise up for another airplane spin, and twirls him around and round!
Phillip Blauer: He keeps twirling him! This is delightful! Why aren’t these people counting along? Oh, right, it’s Phoenix. It’s already higher than they can count.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise uses the momentum to go up on Florida’s shoulders and take him over into a victory roll!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man rolls it into a victory roll of his own!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man has the ropes!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Phillip Blauer: Hot damn!
The audience boos as Florida Man raises his arms in victory, “Gimme Some Lovin'” by The Spencer Davis Group plays and Tommy Milligan hands him his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and his Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championships
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 54 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…FLORIDA MAN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man needed the ropes to do it, but he has successfully defended his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship here in Phoenix tonight.
Phillip Blauer: At least one of these guys I bought didn’t lose their title to Kilroy tonight. I was starting to think spending millions of dollars to keep titles away from Kilroy Evans wasn’t the sound financial decision I thought it was.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now Florida Man has to put that title on the line against his nemesis Kilroy Evans at Palm Springs Punishment 2024 in a dog collar texas death match! We’ll see you there fans!
