[Glucks] No pella can

[Old Line Jeff]

Katie Moss looked as awkward as she felt, and she felt pretty darn awkward.

Now, many millions of adults have gone to the zoo and had a perfectly enjoyable time. But at the same time, it’s generally considered to be a family kind of activity, not a dating activity - not even a frienddate activity.

Yet here she was at the Hattiesburg Zoo with Carlton Gluck and Chapps Gluck both, and they were mad at each other.

“WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT A PELICAN IN A ZOO? NOBODY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT PELICANS!”

“WHY THE FUCK’RE YOU YELLIN AT ME BOY DON’T YOU FUCKIN’ YELL AT ME!”

“I’LL YELL AT YER RE-”

Chapps bellowed out the R-slur at the top of his lungs.

This being Mississippi nobody really cared, but Katie cringed.

“-DED ASS WHENEVER YOU DO SOMETHING R-”

“Chapps, you are offending our guest.” Carlton’s voice had gone serious.

“Well it wasn’t her daggone idea to come to the zoo to see a pelican, now was it?”

“Pff… should’ve brought Cherie with us, cain’t nobody else take you nowhere without a daggone scene.”

“I’m causin' a scene? HEY Y’ALL AM AH CAUSIN” A SCENE? CAN Y’ALL SEE ME! Y’ALL CAN’T SEE ME!”

Chapps climbs up on a bench. I guess it’s to prove… something or other?

While Chapps walks back and forth on the bench making Mississippi Noises - he’s saying words but the individual words are far less important than the volume at which he speaks them - Carlton puts a heavy arm around Katie’s shoulders and speaks quietly.

“Ah don’t know why th’ boy carries on like that. All you gotta do to get him to stop is just say ‘Mister Chapps Gluck, hush your fussin’.’ Only thing is, you gotta say it in the right tone of voice, and Ah don’t know it. Mom was the one who figured it out, an’ she passed it on to Cherie, so only Cherie can do it now.”

Anyway, a few people look but nobody seems to care.

“Or if you’re really, use his middle name too. Chapps Alameda Gluck.”

“...Alameda?”

“God bless our mom but she was one of them ladies who wants only the most you-knee-que names for her kids. An’ she outsmarted herself. She wanted all our names to start the same, y’know? But she messed up. Carlton and Cherie both start with a C but it’s a different sound, y’now, kuh versus chuh. Then when she had Chapps, well, Chapps was the last name of dad’s mom. So my name’s the odd name out but only cos mom messed up.”

“I was wondering. Ever thought about changing your name to Charlton?”

“Lotsa times. But enough people get it wrong that it helps me make my sense havin’ slash smoothbrained list. Anyone who gets it wrong, goes on the smoothbrain side.”

“Well… can I ask what your middle name is?”

“ZACARDI.”

“Carlton Zacardi.” Katie says it slowly. “Wow. And would Cherie care if you told me hers?”

“Steel Magnolia. No, Ah’m serious. Cherie Steel Magnolia Gluck.”

Katie shakes her head.

By this point, the Mississippi Noises have attracted one of the zoo workers. The young woman they sent to talk to Chapps is tiny, barely over 5 feet tall, but she manages to talk him down off the bench.

“See, Chapps is loud, but he ain’t a bad kid. Ain’t no way he’d get rowdy with a girl a third his size. If they’d sent a bouncer or somethin’ over, there’d have been a fight.”

“Mm.” Katie couldn’t think of any words that were appropriate.

Chapps came sulking over.

“Sorry bro. Ah just got mad cos we’re in Hattiesburg and the Mayor was gonna try to make a kahlua pig for dinner and we’re missin’ out and there ain’t even a doggone pelican.”

“Did we really come all the way to the zoo to look at a pelican so you could try and segue it into an insult against Bull and Bird? Because that Team Pelican joke was so square peg round hole.”

“You can fit a square peg in a round hole no problem. You just gotta get creative. Give me a sawsall and a blowtorch and Ah’ll fit all the daggone square pegs into as many round holes as Ah damn well please. Jus you watch.”

Katie had decided that she strongly preferred hanging with just Carlton to hanging with the Glucks at the same time.

“Ah just wanted to see a doggone pelican.”

“First, you was just yellin’ that pelicans was stupid. Second, you done seen plenty of pelicans.”

“You could’ve just found a stanky old dead fish, put it on a stick, named it Lana and waved it in the air until a pelican showed up. We didn’t have to go to fucking Hattiesburg.”

Having failed at either turning invisible or conjuring a hole in the ground to swallow her up, Katie spoke up.

“What the absolute hell are you two on about?”

“Well, Katie, remember how last time we went boating and got a pelican to land on the boat and I segued it into a diss on Grant and Joachim Van Zant? Or is it Joachin?”

“Either way we were gonna do this whole thing where we went to a zoo and shittalked the pelican. BUT THERE’S NO GOD DAMN PELICAN!”

Carlton leaned over to Katie and whispered into her ear. “Watch this.”

Then much louder.

“Hey Chapps, you know them Bull and Bird guys is from Loosiana, right? Tell ‘em all about it.”

Chapps seems to calm down. Then he takes a deep breath. Then…

“REMOVE ETOUFFEE remove etouffee you are worst coonass. you are the coonass idiot you are the coonass smell. return to nawlins. to our coonass cousins you may come our state. you may live in this zoo….”

Katie walks towards the camera, reaches out, and turns it off before this goes any further at all.