TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, WHY? [NOEL RUMBLE #1]
Mar 30, 2024 10:58:52 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Spike Kane, and 5 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on Mar 30, 2024 10:58:52 GMT -5
FADE IN
OVER BLACK
TITLE: Зачем вы потрудились это перевести?
INT. THE KREMLIN - DAY
The shot opens with a Birds-Eye shot of the majestic and opulent room. The floors marbled and ornate, the paintings out of this world. Bryullov’s ‘Last Days of Pompeii’ hangs next to Vermeer’s ‘The Concert’, presumed stolen since 1990.
At the head of the large table in the middle of the room is VLADIMIR PUTIN. He is joined by several military section heads.
BANG!
The doors to the great room open and every head turns to see a SOLDIER. He is clad in what looks to be an overcoat designed to withstand a Russian Winter. He is bedraggled in appearance and severely out of breath.
He’s tugged on the arm by an AIDE.
With a nod of his head, two GUARDS on the perimeter of the room grab the AIDE by his armpits and drag him away.
His voice fades into nothing as the doors close.
A gunshot is heard somewhere outside the room.
We see a Russian man at the table put down his phone.
THE TWO GUARDS pick up RUSSIAN SECTION HEAD #2 by the armpits and start to drag him away.
The TWO GUARDS do just that, leaving their victim a heap on the floor.
A tumbleweed blows across the room in silence because it originated in Russia before being imported to the US in around 1870.
The TWO GUARDS start to make inroads towards the SECTION HEADS at the table. The movement prompts the desired reaction.
A screen drops down from the ceiling and we see a grid of Security Camera footage.
The camera grid changes to a focused one. First, PIERS MORGAN
LAWRENCE FOX is briefly on screen.
The screen flickers to a shot from last weekend.
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A click is heard and the camera footage turns to:
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The next up is ELON MUSK. He has a TESLA FANBOY in his cell.
MUSK pulls out a TOKAREV PISTOL and shoots himself in the foot.
MUSK hops along as blood pours from the hole in his foot.
SECTION HEAD #1 wisely trails off when the TWO GUARDS approach.
PUTIN motions for a GUARD to approach him.
PUTIN whispers in the GUARD’s ear.
The GUARD passes him his revolver.
PUTIN shoots the projector to stop the torture.
PUTIN can be seen turning almost beetroot in color.
PUTIN fires a bullet into the roof. As he talks, plaster falls around him like Christmas Snow.
PUTIN raises the revolver and fires three short rounds, a bullet for every SECTION HEAD.
CUT TO
EXT. BUTYRKA PRISON - DAY
CLANK!
CLANK!
CLANK!
The pick-axes falls in unison as the RUSSIAN PRISONERS chip away in the SILICON MINES.
Looking up towards the SUN, NOEL EDMONDS cuts a bronzed figure as he looks to the GUARD. Flecks of HARD-BOILED EGGS are in his HAIR, around his MOUTH, and across his CHEST.
EDMONDS turns his back, showing clear WELTS across his back.
The RUSSIAN GUARD raises his whip once more but the sunlight blinds him temporarily.
The RUSSIAN GUARD looks at EDMONDS and can barely believe what he is seeing.
A HAND appears on the shoulders of the RUSSIAN GUARD. The suit suggests an FSB Agent.
EDMONDS breathes a sigh of relief.
EDMONDS points at himself and mouths ‘ME?’.
EDMONDS gulps.
EDMONDS gulps harder.
FADE TO BLACK
OVER BLACK
TITLE: Зачем вы потрудились это перевести?
INT. THE KREMLIN - DAY
The shot opens with a Birds-Eye shot of the majestic and opulent room. The floors marbled and ornate, the paintings out of this world. Bryullov’s ‘Last Days of Pompeii’ hangs next to Vermeer’s ‘The Concert’, presumed stolen since 1990.
At the head of the large table in the middle of the room is VLADIMIR PUTIN. He is joined by several military section heads.
BANG!
The doors to the great room open and every head turns to see a SOLDIER. He is clad in what looks to be an overcoat designed to withstand a Russian Winter. He is bedraggled in appearance and severely out of breath.
RUSSIAN SECTION HEAD #1
What news from Stalingrad?
He’s tugged on the arm by an AIDE.
AIDE
It’s Volgograd now, sir.
RUSSIAN SECTION HEAD #1
It will ALWAYS be Stalingrad!
With a nod of his head, two GUARDS on the perimeter of the room grab the AIDE by his armpits and drag him away.
AIDE
THIS IS WHY WE DON’T GET INVITED TO THE NATO SLUMBER PARTIIEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!
His voice fades into nothing as the doors close.
A gunshot is heard somewhere outside the room.
We see a Russian man at the table put down his phone.
RUSSIAN SECTION HEAD #2
Sir, I believe he might well have been here to tell us some important news.
RUSSIAN SECTION HEAD #3
(Accusingly)
He is part of the great NATO plot to overthrow you, dear Leader!
RUSSIAN SECTION HEAD #2
NO! IT’S MONGO! HE’S OPENED THE RUMBLE UP TO OUTSIDERS!!!
VLADIMIR PUTIN (OS)
Drop him!
The TWO GUARDS do just that, leaving their victim a heap on the floor.
VLADIMIR PUTIN (CONT’D) (OS)
Tell us more, comrade.
RUSSIAN SECTION HEAD #2
They made Comrade Edmonds look stupid, like a short-sighted Bond villain. Not even a good one like Odd Job or Jaws but one of the goons killed before Trevelyan ‘breaks bad’.
VLADIMIR PUTIN
But who do we send to teach the arrogant Western Pig-monkeys?
RUSSIAN SECTION HEAD #1
What about the British guy who was sent to the Gulag last year?
VLADIMIR PUTIN
He made us think about the Saga, Joe Nobody and the Sanctuary. For that he remains where he is. Tell me, does he still have to watch their matches every day?
RUSSIAN SECTION HEAD #2
Two matches for food, a promo for water.
VLADIMIR PUTIN
Good…
RUSSIAN SECTION HEAD #3
We need to revive Operation KARLA
VLADIMIR PUTIN
But he retired a long time ago. Now we rename it…KARLO…
RUSSIAN SECTION HEAD #1
KARLO?
VLADIMIR PUTIN
Knock All Rumble Losers Out!
A tumbleweed blows across the room in silence because it originated in Russia before being imported to the US in around 1870.
The TWO GUARDS start to make inroads towards the SECTION HEADS at the table. The movement prompts the desired reaction.
ALL SECTION HEADS
HAHA! YES, DEAR LEADER!
SECTION HEAD #2
Do we have any Russian moles on the Network?
SECTION HEAD #1
Not anymore, we lost our one operative from Odessa.
SECTION HEAD #3
Duke Kosloff, the Ukranian swine!
VLADIMIR PUTIN
Odessa, Texas…but yes, we need to get someone back on the inside…GUARD, show me who we have in captivity!
The camera grid changes to a focused one. First, PIERS MORGAN
VLADIMIR PUTIN
What say, room? Good, no?
SECTION HEAD #2
America already rejected him when he tried to become big in America. Britain’s loss was America’s loss and now he broadcasts on a station that has a viewing audience of two grandmothers who don’t like that the dog in the Dambusters is censored and three drinking holes in rural Alabama.
VLADIMIR PUTIN
Fine, we send him to that other place with the three British people who think they’re the New World Order….who’s next?
SECTION HEAD #1
The man is an idiot! Just look!
The screen flickers to a shot from last weekend.
SECTION HEAD #2
But he has to have some brains, he convinced Billie Piper to marry him and have his children!
VLADIMIR PUTIN
Look, this is getting too much. This is turning into one of those Seth Dillinger promos when life was simpler and I only had to wrestle bears before breakfast. If the Rumble was full of idiots who think that brutality equals success like Kira Izumi, I’d consider putting the British pig in.
ELON MUSK
It’s simple you see. Money equals immortality and I have the most cash of ANYONE! I am invincible! Watch this…
ELON MUSK
OW!! GODDAMMIT!!!
TESLA FANBOY
Masterful gambit, sir.
VLADIMIR PUTIN (OS)
What are you trying to do? Battle of the Fanboys with Marty Donovan? He’s one of ours…well, one of China’s!
SECTION HEAD #1
Actually, sir, he left Disney a while b-
PUTIN motions for a GUARD to approach him.
PUTIN whispers in the GUARD’s ear.
The GUARD passes him his revolver.
PUTIN shoots the projector to stop the torture.
VLADIMIR PUTIN
(Outraged)
We are a proud fighting nation. Could the Americans have produced The Bolsheviks?
SECTION HEAD #1
(Muttering)
From Roanoke and Yugoslavia…
VLADIMIR PUTIN
(Still outraged)
Boris Malenko?
SECTION HEAD #1
New Jersey….
VLADIMIR PUTIN
IVAN….THE BEAR….KOLOFF!!!
SECTION HEAD #1
Canadian, dear Leader….
VLADIMIR PUTIN
FINE! Get me Maurice Tillet, Victor Zangiev and Salman Hasimkov!!!!
SECTION HEAD #1
Sir, Tillet died in the short period that was Georgy Malenkov’s rule.
VLADIMIR PUTIN
And THAT is why no-one respects Malenkov! What about the other two?
SECTION HEAD #2
Nobuhiko Takada traded their international wrestling licenses to Inoki when they did the NJPW/UWFi story.
VLADIMIR PUTIN
Then bring me the head of Antonio Inoki!!!
SECTION HEAD #3
He was cremated, dear leader. We believe the contracts were in the coffin when it hit the flames!!!
VLADIMIR PUTIN
GUARD! BRING ME THE FIRST PERSON IN THE GULAG WHO CAN WRESTLE IN AMERICA!
CUT TO
EXT. BUTYRKA PRISON - DAY
CLANK!
CLANK!
CLANK!
The pick-axes falls in unison as the RUSSIAN PRISONERS chip away in the SILICON MINES.
RUSSIAN GUARD
Harder! Work harder! Do you think the NVIDIA slaves work this slow?
RUSSIAN GUARD
Just look at this Western savage!
EDMONDS turns his back, showing clear WELTS across his back.
RUSSIAN GUARD
What we've got here is failure to communicate. Some men, you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week -- which is the way he wants it.Well, he gets it. And I don't like it anymore than you men.
The RUSSIAN GUARD raises his whip once more but the sunlight blinds him temporarily.
The RUSSIAN GUARD looks at EDMONDS and can barely believe what he is seeing.
RUSSIAN GUARD
WHAT THE-
FSB AGENT
Sergei, take a break. You’re hallucinating. Drink more water.
EDMONDS breathes a sigh of relief.
FSB AGENT
You! The ancient man with skin like cheap CAR decal…yes, you!
EDMONDS points at himself and mouths ‘ME?’.
FSB AGENT
We have special assignment for you.
NOEL EDMONDS
Does it involve fucking the Welsh over?
FSB AGENT
Would the Irish count? Spike Kane is one of their top guys.
NOEL EDMONDS
I get to fuck over the Network?
FSB AGENT
You’re to ensure that Western rhetoric is threatened by far more sensible Russian dogma. Confuse them, you do that well, and make them doubt they know who or what they believe anymore.
NOEL EDMONDS
I get to fuck over Mongo?
FSB AGENT
Bring back the X*Crown or spend the rest of the short time you have left on Earth in the most horrible job of all.
NOEL EDMONDS
Keeping Nausicaä Suzuki honest about their abilities and commitment to wrestling?
FSB AGENT
Worse…far worse. You become a shill for Wrestle: UK and Donzig.
EDMONDS gulps.
NOEL EDMONDS
And if I bring it back?
FSB AGENT
You live.
EDMONDS gulps harder.
FADE TO BLACK
