Post by Rage and Cage on Mar 31, 2024 22:23:08 GMT -5
After a rough ladder match, the Woke one is resting in his suite at Turning Stone Casino with an ice pack applied to his head. He pulls out his phone and FaceTime’s his brother. After a few rings, Nicholas H. Cage answers.
Cage: What’s up?
Rage: Where you at?
Cage: I’m home.
Rage: I’m home. I can’t see you or hear you.
Cage looks around.
Cage: I’m not home.
Rage: You need to figure it out, bro. I need you.I’m building momentum, and it’s clear that WUK will soon be Rollin with Rage.
Cage: I like it!
Rage: Because it’s good! If I can pick up the dub against Cheez, I think I could be a big player. Wesley Crane will obviously use his juice to get me another Commonwealth title shot!
Cage: Yeah, his hotel has badass orange juice.
Rage: Bro, I can beat Sinclair Godfrey! She had to cheat to beat me!
Cage: And never even gave you a chance to cheat!
Rage: I know! Ain’t it some bullshit?
Cage: The shittiest!
Rage: Speaking of bullshit, I can’t believe I have to face Cheez again. I finished 2nd in the ladder match, so I beat him already. Why do I need to again?
Cage: Cheese has a lot of applications: pasta, sandwiches, hot sandwiches, just eating Kraft singles, cheeseburgers…
Rage: Not that cheese.
Cage: Well, that blows.
Rage: Besides, you missed wine, and Cheez probably whined to Tony Blood. You know old Tony can’t deny the cries of a white man.
Cage: They tend to make good arguments.
Rage: NO, THEY DON’T!
Cage: I guess you’re right. I mean, Stalin killed like 20 million people.
Rage: And don’t go blaming that on communism! Stalin was a garden variety fascist who usurped Lenin’s glorious revolution! He was a communist in name only.
Cage: Like how Cheez isn’t made of cheese?
Rage: Kinda.
Cage: Cool.
Rage: Tell me when you get back.
Cage: Will do.
Rage ends the call and sits up. He tosses the ice pack aside. He is now revealed to only be wearing some bikini briefs. He grabs his recreational romper and puts it on before leaving the room. He enters the High Rollers elevator and hits a button. The elevator quickly goes to the ground. Rage walks out and exits the casino. He notices a man begging for money.
Man: Spare any change?
Rage: Bro, I’m all about change. I want more.
Man: Coins, money!
Rage: Oh…
Rage finally looks at the man and notices his race.
Rage: You’re…white.
Man: So?
Rage: I’d prefer to help marginalized groups, people who really need help.
Man: But I’m homeless!
Rage: You wouldn’t happen to be gay or transgender?
Man: No.
Rage: Bi? I’ll take bi!
Man: No.
Rage: Fucking work with me, dude.
Man: Sorry.
Rage: Did capitalism bend you over and non-consentually fuck your economic standing?
Man: Maybe.
Rage: Okay, I can work with that. Who particularly ruined you?
Man: To be honest, it’s this casino. I have a problem. The high of having a chance to win keeps drawing me back. I think the bright lights and noises are part of it, too.
Rage: I feel for you, but I can’t blame Turning Stone Casino. Did you know that the corporate leaders of this establishment buy carbon offsets? Without that, climate change would be worse and hit harder when you’re unhoused. By the way, call it “unhoused”. “Homeless” ain’t woke, bro. Education is free, so you have no excuse.
Man: But I’m still unhoused and starving.
Rage: Bro, see this from my point of view. You attack the one capitalist I kinda like. The man gives me a place to stay and takes care of me. He’s receptive to progressive measures.
Man: Can he give me a place to stay?
Rage: Can you wrestle?
Man: No.
Rage: Oof…shit, that would have helped. I guess I can ask Henderson. I’ll get back with you.
Man: Can I have some money?
Rage: I guess. What’s your number? I’ll hit you up with Apple Cash.
Man: I don’t have that.
Rage: Cash App?
Man: No.
Rage: Ugh…Venmo?
Man: I don’t have a phone. I need actual cash.
Rage; You mean Boomer Bucks? Who has that?
Man: Everyone at the casino.
Rage: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Okay, go to the food court and pick a place. Tell them to put it on the Woke tab. You can get something to eat.
Man: So no cash?
Rage: I’m feeding you! You said you were starving!
Man: Food’s okay, but cash is better.
Rage: Dude, take it or leave it!
Rage stomps off. The home…unhoused man finds a fellow unhoused man.
Man 1: Hey, if you give me all your cash, I can get you and food you want?
Man 2: Really? That sounds good!
Man 2 hands his money over. Man 1 goes into the casino.
Rage is walking as a car pulls up. Rage opens the passenger’s side door and sees no one. He looks in the back and sees Cage.
Cage: Tesla, bro!
Rage: Nice!
Rage gets in the front passenger seat as the car drives off. He kicks back and enjoys the ride through Syracuse.
Rage: Maybe now we can start working on Cheez.
Cage: Dude, we should cut him.
Cage laughs as his phone rings. He answers it, and it plays through the car’s speakers.
Henderson: What are you doing?
Cage: Being driven by my robot butler!
Henderson: No, I mean what the hell are you doing! You just charged $420.69…
Cage: Nice.
Henderson: From the food court! Are you high?
Cage: Yeah, but I’m in the car.
Henderson: Then how did you two order that much food?
Cage: Maybe it was another Cage from the multiverse.
Rage: Such a lazy concept. We were probably just hacked by Russia.
Henderson: So it’s identity theft?
Rage: I offered to let an unhoused man order some food, but he didn’t want to.
Henderson: What the hell is an “unhoused man?”
Cage: What’s up?
Rage: Where you at?
Cage: I’m home.
Rage: I’m home. I can’t see you or hear you.
Cage looks around.
Cage: I’m not home.
Rage: You need to figure it out, bro. I need you.I’m building momentum, and it’s clear that WUK will soon be Rollin with Rage.
Cage: I like it!
Rage: Because it’s good! If I can pick up the dub against Cheez, I think I could be a big player. Wesley Crane will obviously use his juice to get me another Commonwealth title shot!
Cage: Yeah, his hotel has badass orange juice.
Rage: Bro, I can beat Sinclair Godfrey! She had to cheat to beat me!
Cage: And never even gave you a chance to cheat!
Rage: I know! Ain’t it some bullshit?
Cage: The shittiest!
Rage: Speaking of bullshit, I can’t believe I have to face Cheez again. I finished 2nd in the ladder match, so I beat him already. Why do I need to again?
Cage: Cheese has a lot of applications: pasta, sandwiches, hot sandwiches, just eating Kraft singles, cheeseburgers…
Rage: Not that cheese.
Cage: Well, that blows.
Rage: Besides, you missed wine, and Cheez probably whined to Tony Blood. You know old Tony can’t deny the cries of a white man.
Cage: They tend to make good arguments.
Rage: NO, THEY DON’T!
Cage: I guess you’re right. I mean, Stalin killed like 20 million people.
Rage: And don’t go blaming that on communism! Stalin was a garden variety fascist who usurped Lenin’s glorious revolution! He was a communist in name only.
Cage: Like how Cheez isn’t made of cheese?
Rage: Kinda.
Cage: Cool.
Rage: Tell me when you get back.
Cage: Will do.
Rage ends the call and sits up. He tosses the ice pack aside. He is now revealed to only be wearing some bikini briefs. He grabs his recreational romper and puts it on before leaving the room. He enters the High Rollers elevator and hits a button. The elevator quickly goes to the ground. Rage walks out and exits the casino. He notices a man begging for money.
Man: Spare any change?
Rage: Bro, I’m all about change. I want more.
Man: Coins, money!
Rage: Oh…
Rage finally looks at the man and notices his race.
Rage: You’re…white.
Man: So?
Rage: I’d prefer to help marginalized groups, people who really need help.
Man: But I’m homeless!
Rage: You wouldn’t happen to be gay or transgender?
Man: No.
Rage: Bi? I’ll take bi!
Man: No.
Rage: Fucking work with me, dude.
Man: Sorry.
Rage: Did capitalism bend you over and non-consentually fuck your economic standing?
Man: Maybe.
Rage: Okay, I can work with that. Who particularly ruined you?
Man: To be honest, it’s this casino. I have a problem. The high of having a chance to win keeps drawing me back. I think the bright lights and noises are part of it, too.
Rage: I feel for you, but I can’t blame Turning Stone Casino. Did you know that the corporate leaders of this establishment buy carbon offsets? Without that, climate change would be worse and hit harder when you’re unhoused. By the way, call it “unhoused”. “Homeless” ain’t woke, bro. Education is free, so you have no excuse.
Man: But I’m still unhoused and starving.
Rage: Bro, see this from my point of view. You attack the one capitalist I kinda like. The man gives me a place to stay and takes care of me. He’s receptive to progressive measures.
Man: Can he give me a place to stay?
Rage: Can you wrestle?
Man: No.
Rage: Oof…shit, that would have helped. I guess I can ask Henderson. I’ll get back with you.
Man: Can I have some money?
Rage: I guess. What’s your number? I’ll hit you up with Apple Cash.
Man: I don’t have that.
Rage: Cash App?
Man: No.
Rage: Ugh…Venmo?
Man: I don’t have a phone. I need actual cash.
Rage; You mean Boomer Bucks? Who has that?
Man: Everyone at the casino.
Rage: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Okay, go to the food court and pick a place. Tell them to put it on the Woke tab. You can get something to eat.
Man: So no cash?
Rage: I’m feeding you! You said you were starving!
Man: Food’s okay, but cash is better.
Rage: Dude, take it or leave it!
Rage stomps off. The home…unhoused man finds a fellow unhoused man.
Man 1: Hey, if you give me all your cash, I can get you and food you want?
Man 2: Really? That sounds good!
Man 2 hands his money over. Man 1 goes into the casino.
Rage is walking as a car pulls up. Rage opens the passenger’s side door and sees no one. He looks in the back and sees Cage.
Cage: Tesla, bro!
Rage: Nice!
Rage gets in the front passenger seat as the car drives off. He kicks back and enjoys the ride through Syracuse.
Rage: Maybe now we can start working on Cheez.
Cage: Dude, we should cut him.
Cage laughs as his phone rings. He answers it, and it plays through the car’s speakers.
Henderson: What are you doing?
Cage: Being driven by my robot butler!
Henderson: No, I mean what the hell are you doing! You just charged $420.69…
Cage: Nice.
Henderson: From the food court! Are you high?
Cage: Yeah, but I’m in the car.
Henderson: Then how did you two order that much food?
Cage: Maybe it was another Cage from the multiverse.
Rage: Such a lazy concept. We were probably just hacked by Russia.
Henderson: So it’s identity theft?
Rage: I offered to let an unhoused man order some food, but he didn’t want to.
Henderson: What the hell is an “unhoused man?”