Post by Rage and Cage on Apr 7, 2024 13:46:54 GMT -5
Cage: So what kind of Cheez?
The silence broke through the High Rollers suite. Nic H. Cage took a drag off his weed vape pen as he rolled this question around in his brain. He wasn’t alone. His brother, the Woke one, Wesley Rage, was struggling with this question, but for different reasons.
Rage: What?
Cage: You’re wrestling Cheez, right?
Rage: Yeah
Cage: And Cheez is Cheez, right?
Rage: I guess?
Cage: So what kind of Cheez is Cheez? Is he like a quarter pounder or a royale?
Rage: First, those are types of burgers, not cheese. Second, red meat is bad for the environment, and, to a lesser extent, people, so we shouldn’t be indulging in it. Third, despite all appearances, Cheez is a person.
Cage: Oooooooooooooooo! So you mean like cheddar!
Rage: Cheez is way too pale to be cheddar.
Cage: So like white American or mozzarella or parmesan?
Rage: Yeah, any of those work better.
Cage: But, what kind of Cheez?
Rage: You just named three. Pick one. Why does it matter?
Cage: Whoa! So you’d eat cheese without knowing what kind of cheese it is?
Rage: It’s not a very climate-friendly food, bro. I try not to eat it.
Cage: But if you did?
Rage: If I did eat cheese…wait, is this a joke?
Cage: Is what a joke?
Rage: Are you asking if I would eat Cheez or if I would eat cheese?
Cage: It’s the same thing.
Rage: They’re very different! One implies eating a food, and the other implies analingus…or cannibalism.
Cage: Oh, now I get it! You thought I was going to make a joke about eating Cheez by pretending to get you to talk about eating cheese. However, I meant eating cheese, not eating Cheez. You don’t have to worry about eating Cheez. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about Cheez, not cheese.
Rage: Glad we cleared that up. For the record, I wasn’t kink-shaming. If you and your partner like licking the old dark star, that’s not for anyone else to judge. However, there is nothing sexually appealing about Cheez. Your garden variety incel has more appeal than he does.
Cage: For sure. Cheez looks like God accidentally pressed Start when he had Create-a-Wrestler open.
Rage: He makes mayonnaise seem spicy.
Cage: That doesn’t work, bro. Mayo can be spicy, like with sushi.
Rage: I obviously meant regular mayonnaise.
Cage: But explaining makes it unfunny.
Rage: I didn’t explain it! You picked it apart.
Cage: Still
Rage groans and shakes his head.
Cage: But, we’re distracted. Would you eat cheese without knowing what kind of cheese it is?
Rage: And we mean cheese, not Cheez, right?
Cage: Yes
Rage: Probably not, I guess. The few times I ate it, I had an idea of what kind it was.
Cage: That’s my whole point! It matters!
Rage: I don’t remember what we’re talking about.
Cage: I said Cheez could be one of many kinds of cheese. Which one is he?
Rage: Does this really matter?
Cage: Yes! You already agreed that type of cheese matters, so don’t try to walk it back.
Rage: I don’t even know how to figure out what kind of cheese Cheez is. I don’t think anyone does since this isn’t a thing.
Cage: You could at least try to help me. I can research online and look at his physical characteristics, but you’re actually wrestling him. That is one-on-one experience and could really help me science this whole thing.
Rage: “Science this whole thing?” Science isn’t a verb.
Cage: You do stuff when you science, so it is a verb.
Rage: I-I guess you got me there.
Cage: Anyway, as you’re kicking the curds out of Cheez, you science it up for me. It’d really help.
Rage: How can you be so smart and so stupid in the same sentence?
Cage: It’s a gift, bro.
Rage: Anyway, how can I help?
Cage: Just report your findings. Like is Cheez soft, hard, crumbly, or what?
Rage: Checking another man’s hardness feels sus.
Cage: You’re going to have to touch him to kick his ass, so it’s inevitable. It’s not a big deal.
Rage: I guess not, but I really hate your phrasing.
Cage: So you wrestle him, then you answer my questions about his composition.
Rage: Sure, I’ll answer them.
Cage: Thank you. I could always use more information.
Rage: Like what?
Cage: What does Cheez taste like?
Rage: I’m not eating Cheez!
Cage: Dude, no one is saying you should. Just find some time during or after the match to taste him or, you know, take a little nibble.
Rage: A nibble?
Cage: Itty-bitty little nibble.
Rage: Let me piece this together: I beat Cheez unconscious, then lick him…
Cage: Or take a little nibble…
Rage: And this is a plan you endorse?
Cage: Yeah!
Rage: At any time, did you realize this is sexual assault?
Cage: But it’s in the name of science!
Rage: THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT OK! WHY DO YOU THINK I’D EVER DO THAT?
Cage: Calm down! It was just one idea. Just say “No”.
Rage: A Reagan administration phrase?! Are you trying to set me off?
Cage: No, it was an accident!
Rage: Fuck, Nic! I’m going to beat Cheez and assert myself as a Commonwealth contender! I don’t care what kind of cheese he is because that’s not a real thing!
Cage: All right, all right! But, hear me out: How cool would it be if Cheez’s first name was Dick?
The silence broke through the High Rollers suite. Nic H. Cage took a drag off his weed vape pen as he rolled this question around in his brain. He wasn’t alone. His brother, the Woke one, Wesley Rage, was struggling with this question, but for different reasons.
Rage: What?
Cage: You’re wrestling Cheez, right?
Rage: Yeah
Cage: And Cheez is Cheez, right?
Rage: I guess?
Cage: So what kind of Cheez is Cheez? Is he like a quarter pounder or a royale?
Rage: First, those are types of burgers, not cheese. Second, red meat is bad for the environment, and, to a lesser extent, people, so we shouldn’t be indulging in it. Third, despite all appearances, Cheez is a person.
Cage: Oooooooooooooooo! So you mean like cheddar!
Rage: Cheez is way too pale to be cheddar.
Cage: So like white American or mozzarella or parmesan?
Rage: Yeah, any of those work better.
Cage: But, what kind of Cheez?
Rage: You just named three. Pick one. Why does it matter?
Cage: Whoa! So you’d eat cheese without knowing what kind of cheese it is?
Rage: It’s not a very climate-friendly food, bro. I try not to eat it.
Cage: But if you did?
Rage: If I did eat cheese…wait, is this a joke?
Cage: Is what a joke?
Rage: Are you asking if I would eat Cheez or if I would eat cheese?
Cage: It’s the same thing.
Rage: They’re very different! One implies eating a food, and the other implies analingus…or cannibalism.
Cage: Oh, now I get it! You thought I was going to make a joke about eating Cheez by pretending to get you to talk about eating cheese. However, I meant eating cheese, not eating Cheez. You don’t have to worry about eating Cheez. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about Cheez, not cheese.
Rage: Glad we cleared that up. For the record, I wasn’t kink-shaming. If you and your partner like licking the old dark star, that’s not for anyone else to judge. However, there is nothing sexually appealing about Cheez. Your garden variety incel has more appeal than he does.
Cage: For sure. Cheez looks like God accidentally pressed Start when he had Create-a-Wrestler open.
Rage: He makes mayonnaise seem spicy.
Cage: That doesn’t work, bro. Mayo can be spicy, like with sushi.
Rage: I obviously meant regular mayonnaise.
Cage: But explaining makes it unfunny.
Rage: I didn’t explain it! You picked it apart.
Cage: Still
Rage groans and shakes his head.
Cage: But, we’re distracted. Would you eat cheese without knowing what kind of cheese it is?
Rage: And we mean cheese, not Cheez, right?
Cage: Yes
Rage: Probably not, I guess. The few times I ate it, I had an idea of what kind it was.
Cage: That’s my whole point! It matters!
Rage: I don’t remember what we’re talking about.
Cage: I said Cheez could be one of many kinds of cheese. Which one is he?
Rage: Does this really matter?
Cage: Yes! You already agreed that type of cheese matters, so don’t try to walk it back.
Rage: I don’t even know how to figure out what kind of cheese Cheez is. I don’t think anyone does since this isn’t a thing.
Cage: You could at least try to help me. I can research online and look at his physical characteristics, but you’re actually wrestling him. That is one-on-one experience and could really help me science this whole thing.
Rage: “Science this whole thing?” Science isn’t a verb.
Cage: You do stuff when you science, so it is a verb.
Rage: I-I guess you got me there.
Cage: Anyway, as you’re kicking the curds out of Cheez, you science it up for me. It’d really help.
Rage: How can you be so smart and so stupid in the same sentence?
Cage: It’s a gift, bro.
Rage: Anyway, how can I help?
Cage: Just report your findings. Like is Cheez soft, hard, crumbly, or what?
Rage: Checking another man’s hardness feels sus.
Cage: You’re going to have to touch him to kick his ass, so it’s inevitable. It’s not a big deal.
Rage: I guess not, but I really hate your phrasing.
Cage: So you wrestle him, then you answer my questions about his composition.
Rage: Sure, I’ll answer them.
Cage: Thank you. I could always use more information.
Rage: Like what?
Cage: What does Cheez taste like?
Rage: I’m not eating Cheez!
Cage: Dude, no one is saying you should. Just find some time during or after the match to taste him or, you know, take a little nibble.
Rage: A nibble?
Cage: Itty-bitty little nibble.
Rage: Let me piece this together: I beat Cheez unconscious, then lick him…
Cage: Or take a little nibble…
Rage: And this is a plan you endorse?
Cage: Yeah!
Rage: At any time, did you realize this is sexual assault?
Cage: But it’s in the name of science!
Rage: THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT OK! WHY DO YOU THINK I’D EVER DO THAT?
Cage: Calm down! It was just one idea. Just say “No”.
Rage: A Reagan administration phrase?! Are you trying to set me off?
Cage: No, it was an accident!
Rage: Fuck, Nic! I’m going to beat Cheez and assert myself as a Commonwealth contender! I don’t care what kind of cheese he is because that’s not a real thing!
Cage: All right, all right! But, hear me out: How cool would it be if Cheez’s first name was Dick?