The Rumble of Oz [RP #4]

[Donzig]

To Mav.

Chapter One

In grainy black and white a small house can be spinning through a tornado. Inside the tornado flail a few alligators, and what look suspiciously like the cast of Swamp People.

The house thuds down, and Kasper Van Zant rises shakily to walk through the door into a glorious room of brightly lit flowers and singing birds.

4K, baby!

Slowly she looks around and then a bubble appears, and soon pops revealing a man with a wild beard wearing a battered leather jacket. He has a cigar clamped in his teeth, and a bottle of beer in his hand.

He gestures with the bottle. ‘They want to know if you are a good witch or a bad witch?’

‘Witch? This is just screamcore—‘

A hand lifted and smoke swirled. ‘They said someone dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the East. So there is the house—‘ a pause, ashes flicked away. ‘—and there you are. So are you a good witch or a bad witch?’

And this point everyone screamed as cloud of billowing red smoke appeared, and from it stepped a man who looked like the first man though in a long black leather coat with an angry scowl.

Kasper looked bewildered, and turned to the first one. ‘The Wicked Witch of the West, he’s worse than the other one.’

A finger pointed. ‘Who killed my sister, who killed the Wicked Witch of the East!’

‘My man, we all know you hated your sister. We all hated your sister. That Armand shit was gross.’

The Witch of the West frowned. ‘No kink shaming.’

The Good Witch puffed on his cigar, and sighed. ‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’

The Wicked Witch snapped his fingers, whirling on Kasper as he leaned down with a hiss. His eyes gleamed as he saw the belt around her waist, reaching for it. ‘The X-Crown!’

‘She doesn’t actually have the X-Crown, that is a psychological metaphor for—‘

He whirled on the Good Witch, jabbing a finger. ‘That’s stupid! You’re stupid.’

His fingers reached for the X-Crown, and badly produced special effects lightning crackled across his fingers as he drew back. Kasper blinked, stammering. ‘I didn’t do that—‘

‘Oh! I should have known! Give it to me, girl! It’s useless to you!’

‘Girl?’ Said Kasper icily.

‘Don’t give it to him, it must be very powerful or he wouldn’t want it!’

The Wicked Witch scowled, turning angrily as his eyes blazed behind his mask. ‘You son of a bitch! I am sick of your meddling!’

‘Oh, do get out of here before someone drops a house on you. I can think of ten people who would just love that!’

The Good Witch exclaimed, taking a swig of beer before he gestured with the bottle. The Wicked One looked up nervously, frowning before he wiped a hand across the mouth of his mask.

‘You haven’t seen the last of me! I’ll get you my pretty, and—‘

Well, I forgot to cast a dog. Go fig.

The Wicked Witch cackled like a dying engine and disappeared. And the Good Witch shook his head, tossing his empty bottle into the plants. ‘Well, I think it’d be best for you to get out of Oz all together! The sooner, the better! You have made quite the enemy out of the Wicked Witch.’

A pause.

‘Of course, everyone does. He’s very touchy.’

Kasper looked perplexed.

‘I don’t know how.’

‘You should go to Bits City, and see the Wizard of Oz.’

‘Is he evil?’

‘He pretends to be. But he is very powerful and very mysterious. I don’t see a broomstick, so you shall have to walk. Just follow the Yellow Brick Road!’

At this point, a crowd of tiny people wearing various XHF merch leapt from the plants and a song started to play. The Good Witch nodded along, lightning another cigar as they danced around Kasper who smiled nervously.

Then there was a puff of red smoke, and the Wicked Witch glared. ‘No, no, no! Not one fucking note, not one bloody lyric! I hear any singing I will have your fucking eyes! No one sings in this shit but me!’

Chapter Two

Some time later, after Donzig saved the Word Count.

Take that Fourth Wall.

Kasper stumbled down the road, and in the distance one could hear the roar of the engines, the cheers of the crowd, and the sound of racing! Now you think this would be like the comic of Walking Dead and there was some drag racing or zombie combat going on?

No, fuck no.

She stared into the distance, and then a figure staked in the field spoke to her. ‘How ya doin’?’

It said in a ludicrous New York Italian accent, the man blinked at her from beneath a small hat. And she blinked at the scare crow. ‘You can talk?’

‘If dat is wha ya call it.’

The scarecrow man in his small hat broke off suddenly, and yelled at some very Disney-esque crows whose calls sounded like an advertisement for streaming. The scarecrow twisted, and failed at the post that held him.

‘Hey! I’m workin’ ‘ere! I’m workin’ ‘ere!’

The crows pointedly ignored him.

He sighed, shaking his head before he looked back to the confused Kasper. He looked mournful, and glanced up at the sky with a long suffering expression.

‘These crows come to my CARfield, and eat my corn! And they are not scared of me on account of I dun ‘ave a brain.’

‘Huh, if the scarecrows did that in Louisiana the crows would be terrified! But how do you talk if you don’t have a brain?’

I ask myself that alot, but whatever.

‘Der are plenty of people who talk an’ dun ‘ave a brain. Most of dem in Congress.’

Also fair.

Kasper shrugged, and patted the X-crown before she snapped her fingers. Then she looked down the road before looking back to the Scare-DT. She walked through the corn, and started to undo the hooks holding him in place. Bending and twisting the nails as she spoke.

‘Listen come with me to see the Wizard of Oz, I am sure he can give you a brain.’

‘Oh, joy!’

Scare-DT fell from the post, nearly losing his little hat as he landed in a boneless heap. He sat up, straw falling from him as he reached up to clamp his hat back on his head. Then he grumbled, and started to rise.

‘I am being chased by a witch.’

‘Wut? Does he wear a mask, sound bored yet angry, is sarcastic, and curses like a sailor?’

Kasper nodded, and Scare-DT shrugged.

‘I would face a witch to get a brain.’

Then he began to sing.

‘I could–’

Red smoke billowed, and the aforementioned Witch glared at them as the crows scattered. He leaned forward, mask gleaming as he spat.

‘Seriously, one more %$@!ing song, and I will skin you.’

A pause, and he cocked his head before he pressed a hand to his throat.

‘Ah, CAR, that old woman.’

He disappeared, and Kasper stared at Scare-DT who shrugged.

Chapter Three

The pair roamed down the road, following along the yellow bricks before they came to what appeared to be an overgrown forest. A small crumbling cottage stood alongside the road, surrounded by trees with a few split logs laying around it.

Yes, I skipped the talking apple trees. It is my favorite part, but frankly I can only think of one person who would be an angry talking tree and he is already the Witch. Also we are back on the word limit, son.

[Also: For those keeping score, we are 2:13 into Breathe. You’re welcome.]

So anyhow, the pair walked along and soon came to a man frozen beside one of the tree stumps. He was like a tiny metal Harry Potter, and he murmured something but his mouth seemed to be frozen shut.

I think we all would have been happier if they left him that way, but fuck it!

‘Wut did he say?’

‘I think he said oil can.’ replied Kasper, and the two looked around the fallen logs. And soon found a small oil can, and they walked over to slowly squirt into the joints of the metal man. He squeaked and squealed, and twisted his jaw before he looked around.

‘That feels much better! I have been frozen here since probably last year, mostly dead.’

At this point, if one looked very closely you could see a large swamp bird pointlessly running around the scene. And beyond that legend says you could see a man swinging from a tree, who was the man who let catering run out of French Crullers.

Doughnut cross Donzig.

But the pair nodded as they listened to Tin Fox’s story, and before long he thumped his metal chest. There was rolling metallic echo, and he nodded sadly as he leaned back on the stump. Kasper arched a brow.

‘No heart. I have no feelings, I can not feel love.’

‘How awful!’

The Tin Fox sighed. Scare-DT snapped his fingers, and he leaned forward.

‘I know! You should come with us to see the Wizard of Oz, he can give you a heart!’

‘Do you think he could? I would give anything for a heart!’

He took a deep breath, and then a voice growled.

‘No, no, no! Don’t you even think about it!’

The Witch stood atop the cottage. All three gasped, and the Fox grabbed his axe.

‘Helping my fair lady along are we gentlemen! Well, we’ll see about that! I’ll stuff a matress with you, Scare Death Trap! And as for you, Tin Fox? I’ll make a bee-hi–’

A pause, and the Witch shivered.

‘Nevermind. Let’s play ball! FIREBALL!’

A ball of fire appeared in his hand, and the three backed up as he stepped closer. His head tilting as he hissed.

‘Mr. Worldwide to infinity
You know the roof on fire…’

A pause.

‘Oh, you almost got me.’

The ball was flung at the Scarecrow, and he yelled as his arm was on fire. He danced around, flailing his arm as the fire grew higher. Flames ran along his sleeve as Kasper tried to grab him, then Tin Fox grabbed him as he started to pat out the fire. The Witch cackled and rasped, that awful laughter echoing through the woods.

Then he disappeared.

‘That’s it! I am taking you to the Wizard! I don’t care if I get a brain or not! A mattress I never!’

‘I don’t even care if I get a heart or not! A beehive! We all know he’s scared of bees!’

The three started down the road.

‘Was that Pitbull?’

‘I think it was.’

Chapter Four

The three soon were walking down a darkened part of the Yellow Brick Road that ran through a dark forest, the trees loomed all around them. They drew together in a tight knot, and Tin Fox lifted his axe as he watched the undergrowth.

In the books, he was chopping off heads you know.

Kasper tapped the X-Crown, and she looked around. ‘What kind of animals live around here you think?’

‘The kind that don’t eat straw.’

Comforting isn't it?

No one sang at least!

Then the woods erupted, and a lion leapt from the darkness. He was a bit heavier than you would think, probably in a KO phase. He stomped forward, glaring at each of three in fear as they stared back at him. Only Tin Fox seemed unimpressed, after all he had never lost a fight to a Lion.

Not even an Irish one.

The Lion spoke in a horrid Irish accent, and after butchering Dave’s? No, not bothering.

‘Put ‘em up! Put ‘em up! I will fight all three of you! One arm behind my back!’

The three blinked, and then he lunged at Scare DT! The straw man staggered back, and lifted an arm.

‘Trying to sneak up on me, eh? I’ll show you!’

He started to chase Scare-DT around the other three, and once more I lament not having a good joke for the Dog.

Kasper had seen enough, and she stepped forward to snap a blow across the Lion’s face! He staggered back, grabbing at his face. He wept, and all of them stared as he wailed.

‘What did you do that for?’

‘You were scaring him! You should be ashamed of yourself!’

‘I wouldn't have hurt him.’

‘Bet.’ said the Tin Fox.

The Irish Lion looked sadly, and shrugged. Kasper was still furious, and jabbed a finger at him.

‘You’re just a big bully! A coward!’

‘I am a coward! I haven’t any courage at all! I am even scared of myself! Especially when I am skinny, and have a top knot thing going on.’

All three stared at him, and the Tin Fox rolled his eyes. Kasper grunted, and then Scare-DT spoke up.

‘You should come with us to see the Wizard, he will give you courage.’

‘I can’t!’

‘Why bloody not?’

‘I am scared of wizards.’

Aren’t we all?

Chapter Five

Long story short, because time is frankly a factor. The foursome made it to the Emerald City of Bits, and there they were confronted with a wild array of bits based Tier One comedy characters all of whom would one day at least be XHF Tag Team Champions or maybe even JHW ones.

I will once again skip, one of the best parts of the film being the Horse of a Different Color because I don’t have a joke!

And then the sky over the city was filled with smoke, and the Witch could be seen writing in smoke with his broom. What he wrote was a very long winded and redundant demand that Kasper and the X-Crown be surrendered.

Very, very long.

The Bits panicked, and everyone raced to the door of the door of the Wizard’s castle! And a small portal opened, and a woman in a Star Trek uniform (Lower Decks because it amuses me) popped her head out.

‘No one sees the Wizard! Not no one, not no how!’

The portal banged shut, and the bits were sad. But hey, wizards are in a very shitty timezone and work long hours.
‘I will never see my Uncle Otto again!’ wailed Kasper.

‘I will never get a brain.’ sighed Scare-DT.

‘Or my heart!’ said Tin Fox.

‘I will never be brave!’ mourned the Irish Lion.

The woman in the portal was staring, and blinked back tears before she sobbed.

‘I will get you into see the Wizard! I had an Uncle Otto myself! Died on Tarsis IV by the order of Kudos, Governor of Tarsis IV!’

There's a stain of cruelty on your shining armour, captain.

After a long moment, the door banged open! And the four were lead down a long hallway of shining crystal and emerald into a large room. Smoke swirled and billowed, and after a long moment there was a loud bang! And a gleaming golden insect like mask stared down at the four!

‘Who comes before the Great and Powerful OZ!’

‘Kasper the small and meek?’

‘Are you kidding me? I have evil things to do! What do you want!’

Scare-DT stepped forward.

‘If it please your wizard-ness….’

‘It does not!’

Thunder and smoke roared, and Scare-DT fell over as Kasper backed up with the Lion cowering behind her. The Tin Fox though? He didn’t give two fucks!

‘Kasper wants a way home! Scare-DT needs a brain, I need a heart, and the Irish Lion needs a set of balls.’

‘You dare! GO! GO! And bring me the Barbed Wire Bat of the Wicked Witch of the West! And I will give you these things!’

All four backed up slowly, nodding and bowing. Except the Irish Lion he ran down the hallway, screaming before diving through a window.

Chapter Six

‘WATER! WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD–’

Howled Donzig as he snapped upwards in his chair, sputtering and shaking his head as he wiped at the water running down his face. He wiped at his beard, glaring around the room angrily. ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ was blasting on the stereo, and he hissed as his eyes narrowed on the hulking form of Moloch who held a bucket of water.

Mormo stood beside him, and shrugged before Sinclair spoke up.

‘You were having a nightmare!’

‘Indeed, I thought Timmy Draven had released CCTV security footage of me beating down David Slam in CWA.’

The three blinked, and Donzig shrugged before he paused.

‘No, no, no. That wasn’t it! I dreamed there were four or five losers trying to stop me from getting the X-crown! It was terrible, I also remember something about a hot blonde murdering people and quoting Shakespeare.’

A pause, and Donzig grumbled.

‘I didn’t mind that part so much.’

‘A blonde, huh?’ said Sinclair icily, her eyes narrowed as she stepped forward. Mormo and Moloch drew back, and Donzig shrugged as he waved a hand.

‘You see in my dream! Everyone already had the things they thought they were lacking! And that is how they won! But no one actually won anything, eh? It was all smoke and fucking mirrors, eh? Just like that shitty wizard!

And now? Knowing that? I am going to walk into the Rumble, and I am going to destroy them utterly!’

‘Por a nuk u vra shtriga nga uji?’

Donzig’s eyes narrowed, and he leaned forward before he rose to his feet.

‘That isn’t important!’

He stalked from the room, and the door slammed shut behind him. Sinclair sighed, shaking her head before she dropped down in the seat. Her eyes drifted to the door, and she leaned back with a tsk.

‘This is as bad as last week when he was killed by a Lion in his dreams, but the Lion was Jesus or something.’