What A Fool Believes (Rumble #1)
Apr 14, 2024 17:31:43 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Apr 14, 2024 17:31:43 GMT -5
Orange County Convention Center.
Orlando, Florida
The shot opens at a booth at a comic convention. A banner above the table reads “XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: DIS N’ GRIZ.”. A group of Batman cosplayers stand around in awe as Deacon Oldham, sporting his trademark cowboy hat and mouthful of chewing tobacco, tells a Bosnian War story from his days as a Navy Seal.
DEACON:
Now the Serbs had the NATO airbase under constant surveillance, so they could tip off the war criminals of our arrival. They were looking for helicopters though, never even noticed the shipping container we were all hidden in. From there we went to arrest a Doctor Milan Kovacevic. The hospital lobby was filled with his bodyguards and they were armed to the teeth. We were posing as Red Cross officials dropping off supplies and had to talk our way inside.
An obnoxious laugh is heard from offscreen. The camera turns to reveal Marty Donovan who is also dressed as a cowboy, only this is Western Ken from the Barbie movie. Marty even dyed his hair and beard blonde for the occasion. Deacon scowls at his daughter’s boyfriend.
MARTY:
Seriously, Mr.Oldham? That was it? That was the genius plan behind this Operation Tango I keep hearing about?
DEACON:
I’d like to see you come up with something better, Einstein.
MARTY:
I already have! It’s a little film called Patch Adams. You guys walk in as hospital clowns and yuck it up with armed guards for a while. After you drug the “good doc”, you put him in clown makeup too. Next you wheel old Milan out on a gurney and keep bumping into walls and doors, making it seem like it's just a funny bit he’s doing for his staff's enjoyment.
Deacon looks at Marty in disbelief for a moment before turning to a Harley Quinn cosplayer.
DEACON:
May I borrow this?
Deacon grabs the prop giant hammer and goes to swing it at Marty’s head when Ollie Oldham, dressed as Western Barbie, jumps in between them.
OLLIE:
Wow! Those props are so amazing! We have to all take a picture. No cost!
Mercifully, the crowd gathers around and puts distance between the two men. They stare at each other while the photo is taken.
MARTY:
You’re just jealous of my new cowboy hat.
Deacon lunges forward, but Ollie gets in the way again.
OLLIE:
Oh no, I think I lost my compact mirror. Marty, could you go search the green room for it? I mean like twenty minutes of solid searching.
Marty tips his cap to her and Deacon rolls his eyes. Marty journeys across the convention floor and shakes his head at everything happening.
MARTY:
Look at all these freaking marks. Oh, I’m going to wait in line for three hours to get an autograph. Please, Mr.Sulu, let me have a blurry selfie with you. Stupid marks. Go get laid. What kind of sad sack has an emotional breakdown because they met the chick from Airwolf?
Marty opens the door to the green room and lets out a shriek of surprised delight. Sitting on a couch is Mongo The Destroyer.
MARTY:
I can’t believe my eyes. It’s you. I never expected to see a star of your caliber here. You should be out somewhere takin’ it to the streets!
Marty laughs, but Mongo doesn’t get it.
MONGO:
Hey! How goes it, Marty?
The starstruck Donovan’s jaw drops.
MARTY:
You know my name!
MONGO:
Yeah, I mean you’ve been with the XHF for a while now.
MARTY:
I didn’t know you were a fan!
MONGO:
Of wrestling? I’d say I’m more than a fan.
Marty suddenly wraps the confused Mongo up in a bear hug. Donovan sobs.
MARTY:
I’m sorry. I just…your work helped me get through a lot of tough times growing up. It's like the song goes, only my pillow knows how many tears I’ve cried.
MONGO:
Thanks? I’m not that much older than you.
Marty lets go of the hug and rapidly shakes Mongo’s hand.
MARTY:
Seriously, sir. You’re one of my heroes. Please let me know if there is anything I can ever do to help you.
MONGO:
Well, I guess you could sign up for the rumble?
MARTY:
Man, who would have thought a living legend like yourself would be such an XHF fanboy!
MONGO:
I have a vested interest in it.
MARTY:
Well, a 40 man battle royal is the last thing I’d normally agree to. For you though, sir, I will do it pro bono.
MONGO:
Really?
MARTY:
One night of free wrestling is nothing to repay the lifetime of happiness you brought me. It’s like a great man once sung, I’m willing to pay the price.
Mongo looks confused again as the Ken cosplayer howls with laughter. Marty fumbles through his wallet. With trembling hands he gives Mongo a small photo.
MARTY:
I’ve been carrying this for years. Could I please get your autograph?
Mongo studies the photo for a moment and then looks at Marty like he has three heads. The XHF official goes to say something but then just grabs a pen. The shot just changes back to the booth. Marty runs to Ollie, excited.
MARTY:
Babe! I couldn’t find your trash compactor, but you’ll never guess who I just met. I even got their autograph.
Beaming, Marty hands over the photo. Ollie looks at it puzzled.
OLLIE:
But you swore to never forgive Mongo for the Zoran stabbing.
MARTY:
Mongo? What does Mongo have to do with anything?
Ollie looks at Marty sympathetically, afraid to give him the bad news. Marty glances at the photo and the expression on his face slowly turns from delight to rage.
Orlando, Florida
The shot opens at a booth at a comic convention. A banner above the table reads “XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: DIS N’ GRIZ.”. A group of Batman cosplayers stand around in awe as Deacon Oldham, sporting his trademark cowboy hat and mouthful of chewing tobacco, tells a Bosnian War story from his days as a Navy Seal.
DEACON:
Now the Serbs had the NATO airbase under constant surveillance, so they could tip off the war criminals of our arrival. They were looking for helicopters though, never even noticed the shipping container we were all hidden in. From there we went to arrest a Doctor Milan Kovacevic. The hospital lobby was filled with his bodyguards and they were armed to the teeth. We were posing as Red Cross officials dropping off supplies and had to talk our way inside.
An obnoxious laugh is heard from offscreen. The camera turns to reveal Marty Donovan who is also dressed as a cowboy, only this is Western Ken from the Barbie movie. Marty even dyed his hair and beard blonde for the occasion. Deacon scowls at his daughter’s boyfriend.
MARTY:
Seriously, Mr.Oldham? That was it? That was the genius plan behind this Operation Tango I keep hearing about?
DEACON:
I’d like to see you come up with something better, Einstein.
MARTY:
I already have! It’s a little film called Patch Adams. You guys walk in as hospital clowns and yuck it up with armed guards for a while. After you drug the “good doc”, you put him in clown makeup too. Next you wheel old Milan out on a gurney and keep bumping into walls and doors, making it seem like it's just a funny bit he’s doing for his staff's enjoyment.
Deacon looks at Marty in disbelief for a moment before turning to a Harley Quinn cosplayer.
DEACON:
May I borrow this?
Deacon grabs the prop giant hammer and goes to swing it at Marty’s head when Ollie Oldham, dressed as Western Barbie, jumps in between them.
OLLIE:
Wow! Those props are so amazing! We have to all take a picture. No cost!
Mercifully, the crowd gathers around and puts distance between the two men. They stare at each other while the photo is taken.
MARTY:
You’re just jealous of my new cowboy hat.
Deacon lunges forward, but Ollie gets in the way again.
OLLIE:
Oh no, I think I lost my compact mirror. Marty, could you go search the green room for it? I mean like twenty minutes of solid searching.
Marty tips his cap to her and Deacon rolls his eyes. Marty journeys across the convention floor and shakes his head at everything happening.
MARTY:
Look at all these freaking marks. Oh, I’m going to wait in line for three hours to get an autograph. Please, Mr.Sulu, let me have a blurry selfie with you. Stupid marks. Go get laid. What kind of sad sack has an emotional breakdown because they met the chick from Airwolf?
Marty opens the door to the green room and lets out a shriek of surprised delight. Sitting on a couch is Mongo The Destroyer.
MARTY:
I can’t believe my eyes. It’s you. I never expected to see a star of your caliber here. You should be out somewhere takin’ it to the streets!
Marty laughs, but Mongo doesn’t get it.
MONGO:
Hey! How goes it, Marty?
The starstruck Donovan’s jaw drops.
MARTY:
You know my name!
MONGO:
Yeah, I mean you’ve been with the XHF for a while now.
MARTY:
I didn’t know you were a fan!
MONGO:
Of wrestling? I’d say I’m more than a fan.
Marty suddenly wraps the confused Mongo up in a bear hug. Donovan sobs.
MARTY:
I’m sorry. I just…your work helped me get through a lot of tough times growing up. It's like the song goes, only my pillow knows how many tears I’ve cried.
MONGO:
Thanks? I’m not that much older than you.
Marty lets go of the hug and rapidly shakes Mongo’s hand.
MARTY:
Seriously, sir. You’re one of my heroes. Please let me know if there is anything I can ever do to help you.
MONGO:
Well, I guess you could sign up for the rumble?
MARTY:
Man, who would have thought a living legend like yourself would be such an XHF fanboy!
MONGO:
I have a vested interest in it.
MARTY:
Well, a 40 man battle royal is the last thing I’d normally agree to. For you though, sir, I will do it pro bono.
MONGO:
Really?
MARTY:
One night of free wrestling is nothing to repay the lifetime of happiness you brought me. It’s like a great man once sung, I’m willing to pay the price.
Mongo looks confused again as the Ken cosplayer howls with laughter. Marty fumbles through his wallet. With trembling hands he gives Mongo a small photo.
MARTY:
I’ve been carrying this for years. Could I please get your autograph?
Mongo studies the photo for a moment and then looks at Marty like he has three heads. The XHF official goes to say something but then just grabs a pen. The shot just changes back to the booth. Marty runs to Ollie, excited.
MARTY:
Babe! I couldn’t find your trash compactor, but you’ll never guess who I just met. I even got their autograph.
Beaming, Marty hands over the photo. Ollie looks at it puzzled.
OLLIE:
But you swore to never forgive Mongo for the Zoran stabbing.
MARTY:
Mongo? What does Mongo have to do with anything?
Ollie looks at Marty sympathetically, afraid to give him the bad news. Marty glances at the photo and the expression on his face slowly turns from delight to rage.
MARTY:
WHAT? WAIT, THAT WAS MONGO? GOD DAMN IT! I THOUGHT HE WAS ONE OF THE DOOBIE BROTHERS!
Marty tosses off his cowboy hat and begins to stomp on it.
OLLIE:
Martin, calm down. It was an honest mistake.
MARTY:
YOU DON’T GET IT! I AGREED TO APPEAR IN HIS STUPID RUMBLE! FOR FREE!
OLLIE:
I…I’ve never heard you say that word…free.
DEACON:
Why would the biggest wrestling match of the year be booked by keyboardist Michael McDonald?
MARTY:
SHUT UP, DEACON! I WAS STARSTRUCK! I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY TO KEEP YOUR COOL AROUND THE CEO OF RAYTHEON!
DEACON:
Where did you even get that picture?
Fuming, Marty reaches into his wallet and pulls out a handful of Doobie Brother photos.
MARTY:
I AM TRYING TO GET ALL THE MEMBERS SIGNATURES, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHICH ARE ON SPEAKING TERMS! I CAN’T HAVE TOM JOHNSTON STORMING OFF BECAUSE THE GROUP SHOT INCLUDES JEFF BAXTER! STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE I’M CRAZY!
DEACON:
You are crazy. There must be 14 photos in your wallet and none of them are my daughter.
Marty is about to explore in rage, but Ollie grabs him by his pink handkerchief and pulls the yacht rock superfan into a kiss. The anger leaves him.
OLLIE:
Breath, Martini. You’re fine. It was a simple mistake. Everything is going to be okay.
MARTY:
Well, it can’t possibly get any worse.
Newsie Tinto runs into the shot with a stack of Apter magazines stapled to Orlando Sentinels.
NEWSIE TINTO
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Reports of Peter Cain’s death were greatly exaggerated. Marty Donovan’s sworn enemy, The Bloodied Fox, lives and plans to return at the rumble!
MARTY:
MOTHERFU…