May The Sun Die (King Edmund IV / XHF Rumble (Rumble Match))

[ForeverKuroi]

~Little Caesars Restaurant~
Cleveland, Ohio
April 8th, 2024
3:00 PM

Cashier: OK, sir. That will be $15.99. Feel free to insert or tap your card down below.

Business is as usual at the Little Caesars. The store is selling, the people are eating, and the US is securing its place in the world's obesity index. Everything is acting as it normally does. Well, until two Supremian guards burst in and stand at attention. One of the two speaks up.

Guard: Make way for the King of Supremia is before us! Make way for his royal highness, King Edmund the Fourth!

The two pulls out trumpets and begin to toot a little song before King Edmund IV walks in. And by walk in, what's meant is that he sits upon the shoulders of Mutt, who walks him in. It's less royal than how King Edmund expects. Namely, Edmund is forced to guard his face as Mutt walks in the way of ceiling-mounted structures, such as sprinklers and exit signs.

King Edmund IV: WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING, YOU MANGY MUTT! I AM YOUR KING!

King Edmund IV turns his attention to the cashier.

King Edmund IV: YOU! Direct me to my locker room at once!

The cashier pauses for a brief moment.

Cashier: Excuse me, sir. I am with a customer. I’ll be with you in just a moment.

King Edmund IV: DO NOT DISMISS ME! I AM YOUR KING! I AM KING EDMUND! YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME AT ONCE!

As King Edmund finishes with his little tantrum, he finds that the cashier completely ignored him and had been interacting with the customer still in line.

Cashier: And this is your receipt. You are Order #59.

The cashier turns to King Edmund IV.

Cashier: And what would you like to order?

King Edmund IV: How DARE you make me interrupt myself! Slag! You will direct me to MY individual locker room! And do not attempt to make me SHARE a locker room with the rest of the commoners again!

Cashier: Excuse me?

King Edmund IV: And what kind of place is this!? How am I supposed to WRESTLE in a place so small?

At this time, a second cashier walks by and sees everything going on. His eyes grow big.

Cashier #2: Oh shit! We got an XHFer in here!

King Edmund IV: YOU! Perhaps you will prove yourself to be more useful than this other nothing! Direct me to my locker room!

Cashier #2: Oh, homeboy. You in the wrong place, fam.

King Edmund IV: You are NOT a member of my family! I know this because you are a man and unfortunately, every offspring I have had was a woman, and therefore unfortunately set to death. The greatest Supremian doctors told me that my SEMEN is too strong and that when I SUCCEED at procreation with a baby boy, it will be the STRONGEST heir to the throne IN ALL OF HISTORY!

Cashier #2: Uhhh… TMI.

King Edmund IV: Indeed. Those are all letters.

Cashier #2: What I’m trying to tell you is that the XHF Rumble is at the Little Caesar’s Arena. You are at the Little Caesar’s.

King Edmund IV: An arena is simply a place where fighting can happen. Perhaps all the other COMMONERS who will lose to me at the XHF Rumble may be too afraid to fight anywhere, but I am not. Me, I defeated 99 others decades and decades ago! That is how I became king in the first place! And is this not a ROYAL Rumble? By this mere fact, I am instantly the most qualified person in the entire roster to win this Rumble! And there are only HALF the contestants here than the Rumble where I ascended to the ROYAL throne of Supremia!

Cashier #2: Yeah, but we’re in Cleveland, and the match is in Detr-

The cashier is interrupted as King Edmund pulls out a portrait of himself when he was younger.

King Edmund IV: This was me the DAY I ascended to the throne of Supremia! The people talk. And talk. And talk about me. They can’t get enough of me! They say lots of NASTY things about their KING. They say that I’m too old. That I’m senile. They don’t think I have it. But I think I look JUST AS GOOD as I did back when I became King, RIGHT!?

Cashier #2: Uhhh… Yeah… Anyways, like I was saying. If you go I-90 westbound for a couple hundred miles and...

King Edmund IV: You INSECT! You will take me to the locker room NOW!

The cashier feels so awkward with the yelling man that he actually takes him to the janitor’s closet.

Cashier #2: Usually if I need to change my clothes, I go in here. Or the bathroom.

King Edmund IV: These conditions are FAR beneath that of Supremia’s KING. …Perhaps once I win the X*Crown Championship, you will treat me with some PROPER respect. Don’t think Mongo won’t catch my wrath!

Mutt lets King Edmund IV who actually pushes a pushbroom and a mop bucket out of the way so he can enter the bathroom. Mutt closes the door and guards the door with his arms crossed, as if the cashier actually wanted to enter there. Cashier #1 approaches their coworker.

Cashier #1: Do you want me to call the police?

Cashier #2: That might be funny. Do it.

Cashier #1: No, I mean, are they threatening to hurt you?

Cashier #2: You need to watch the XHF Network. This guy is so pathetic. This Mutt guy is strong, but the old guy is just all bark, no bite. He won’t even try to fight us.

Not a moment to pause after the cashier finished their statement, the door opens and King Edmund walks out. He looks like…

Yes. He even poses. Just. Like. That. Cashier #1 runs to the phone and dials three numbers.

Cashier #1: Yes, 911? There’s a half naked old guy in here. He’s all oiled up and trying to fight us. He’s with a really big masked guy.

Pause.

Cashier #1: No, this is not a prank call.

King Edmund IV: WHERE IS BLOODIED FOX? I WANT TO EXCHANGE FISTICUFFS BY WORDS NOW! BRING THAT RAPSCALLION OVER HERE! I BET HIS PENIS IS MASSIVE!

Cashier #1: Yeah, now he’s talking about hurting animals. Something about bloodying some kind of fox? And then he’s talking about the fox’s penis? I don’t know if this guy just wants to molest random animals or what, but it’s really gross. Oh, you heard that on your end? Is there some sort of old folks home nearby he could have run away from? Yeah, I’d try giving them a call too, but please send someone over!

Click.

King Edmund IV: WHAT ARE YOU TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT ME! GET ME BLOODIED FOX! I WILL MAKE HIM FEEL INFERIOR!

King Edmund IV walks throughout the restaurant, looking for the former X*Crown Champion. He goes through the kitchen area, the customer seating area, the break room, and even the restrooms, including the women’s restroom. Sure enough, Bloodied Fox is nowhere to be found. Not even in the women’s restroom. King Edmund IV and Mutt go through one final door, the emergency exit. The alarm rings and the cashier is quick to close him out.

King Edmund IV: Ah! The truth comes out now! You’re working with Bloodied Fox the entire time! Step ONE foot into Supremia! I dare you! And I will have you captured and executed for your treason! I will have your head! I will-

The sound of sirens sounds and a squad car pulls up.

Officer: Alright, old man. Time to wrap it up here. …Are you away from home, grandpa?

King Edmund IV: I am!

Officer: And where is your home? Is it at the retirement home across town?

King Edmund IV: It’s in Supremia!

Officer: …Supremia, huh? Sounds like a magical place, huh?

King Edmund IV: It is! And I am THEIR KING!

Officer: …You sure are! I can see by the neat little king you have on your head!

King Edmund IV: Finally! SOMEONE notices when they see royalty! …But you forgot to BOW!

Officer: Oh, I am sorry my king. Let me just do a little bow for you.

The officer condescendingly bows to him before putting his hand on his back and leading him to the police cruiser.

King Edmund IV: What’s THIS?

Officer: Well, I’m just going to give you a… royal escort back to your kingdom.

King Edmund IV: VERY GOOD. But instead, make sure that you bring me to where the other XHF Network wrestlers are. You see, I am their CHAMPION! And soon, I will have MULTIPLE Championships! I will be the X*Crown Champion!

Officer: Oh, I’m sure you are, Mr. Champion.

The officer gives a friendly smile to the old man before closing the door and heading to the driver’s seat. He starts the car and drives off.

King Edmund IV: Also, I am UNDEFEATED in wrestling matches this year! And I will REMAIN UNDEFEATED FOR THE END OF TIME, OR MAY THE SUN DIE!!!

The two drive off into the distance, where the sun sets in the middle of the afternoon because of the solar eclipse.