I deserve a B, they'd give me a B, I'll get a C! [NOEL#2]
Apr 17, 2024 14:48:57 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 4 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on Apr 17, 2024 14:48:57 GMT -5
FADE IN
OVER BLACK
TITLE: MONGO’S TL;DR
INT. BBC STUDIOS SET - NIGHT
SECURITY physically lift up EDMONDS by his arms and legs.
EDMONDS thrashes against the action but it’s too late to do anything.
(BEAT)
FADE OUT
FADE IN
OVER BLACK
TITLE: WHERE IT ALL STARTED
INT. THE KREMLIN - DAY
Apparently, the Kremlin has some sort of teaching facility.
The FSB AGENT stands in front of a whiteboard which has the topic of the day scrawled on it:
FUCK MONGO! HOW PUTIN CAN RULE THE XHF NETWORK
CUT TO:
INT. BBC STUDIOS - NIGHT
EDMONDS stands in the green room at the BBC with an indignant look on his face.
The FSB AGENT shakes his head.
BBC PRODUCER scans his finger down a list on a clipboard.
EDMONDS beams with pride.
The BBC PRODUCER exits.
The FSB AGENT takes this as his cue.
The door SLAMS.
(BEAT)
The eyes of the FSB AGENT narrow.
EDMONDS visibly gulps.
EDMONDS scrunches up his face.
EDMONDS’ eyes widen.
EDMONDS nods along as if this makes perfect sense and isn’t at all like some form of Orwellian doublethink.
EDMONDS nods along still.
A KNOCK is head on the door.
CUT TO:
NORTON himself looks excited by this.
Crickets. Not talkative crickets but ones that are silent in the same way that Death Trap is not.
The crickets are now playing what can only be a highly-competitive game of Sleeping Lions with one another.
NORTON visibly sighs.
Somewhere in the crowd a chant starts.
EDMONDS enters the shot looking more than mildly annoyed he’s once more upstaged.
NORTON gets up and shakes the hand of EDMONDS.
EDMONDS sits on the couch.
The chant dies down.
EDMONDS’ face turns a fierce shade of red.
EDMONDS stands up but immediately realizes a red dot has appeared on his shirt.
EDMONDS sheepishly sits down.
NORTON enthusiastically nods as EDMONDS talks.
NORTON holds his cue cards in front of his face to obscure the view.
NORTON leans back and resumes.
ENTER MICHAEL SHEEN
MICHAEL SHEEN doesn’t break stride as he lands a headbutt that instantly floors EDMONDS.
EDMONDS scrambles to his feet and approaches MICHAEL SHEEN.
EDMONDS pulls out a picture of MARGARET THATCHER.
MICHAEL SHEEN recoils and drops to his knees.
SECURITY storm the stage.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: MONGO’S TL;DR
INT. BBC STUDIOS SET - NIGHT
NOEL EDMONDS
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!!! I….SHALL….NOT….BE….MOVED!!!!!!
EDMONDS thrashes against the action but it’s too late to do anything.
GRAHAM NORTON
Well! What about that?
GRAHAM NORTON (CONT’D)
ANYWAYS…. let's bring out our next guest. Everyone put your hands together for everyone’s favourite tough wank….Helen Mirren!!!!
NOEL EDMONDS (OS)
SHE TAKES IT ON THE CHIN!!!!!!
FADE OUT
FADE IN
OVER BLACK
TITLE: WHERE IT ALL STARTED
INT. THE KREMLIN - DAY
Apparently, the Kremlin has some sort of teaching facility.
The FSB AGENT stands in front of a whiteboard which has the topic of the day scrawled on it:
FUCK MONGO! HOW PUTIN CAN RULE THE XHF NETWORK
FSB AGENT
Noel, we had to pull in a lot of favors to get you this press opportunity. It’s important you realize that fact because it’s the biggest platform we’ve ever had to get our message across.
NOEL EDMONDS
What about Tucker Carlson?
FSB AGENT
(Incredulously)
By 2025, X will just be bots selling retro Ice Cream Hawaiian shirts to other bots….and JK Rowling.
NOEL EDMONDS
Is it national?
FSB AGENT
Yes.
NOEL EDMONDS
Prime-time?
FSB AGENT
Yes.
NOEL EDMONDS
(to himself)
Finally, Noel-o-rino is back where he belongs….
EDMONDS sees the bemused look on the FSB AGENT’S face.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
I’ll do it!
INT. BBC STUDIOS - NIGHT
NOEL EDMONDS
I ABSOLUTELY won’t do it!
The FSB AGENT shakes his head.
BBC PRODUCER
Do you think you were our first choice? We had our pick of the Rumble entrants, we could have gone for Bloodied Fox!
NOEL EDMONDS
Let me guess, you couldn’t get the health insurance for a man who literally came back from the dead.
BBC PRODUCER
Actually, we couldn’t agree dates but he’s a back from the dead story, not a nearly dead one!
NOEL EDMONDS
Who was after Fox? Donzig?
BBC PRODUCER
If we wanted a guy who had delusions of grandeur, never learned from his past mistakes and didn’t know when to give up….we’d have booked Alex Jones. Same demographics but Jones polls better with the non-believers.
NOEL EDMONDS
So, who was next?
BBC PRODUCER
Let me see….Elon Musk but he isn’t picking up his phone to us it seems.
NOEL EDMONDS
(muttering)
No signal in the Gulag. Rationed wi-fi and the only game you can play? Working on Putin’s Farmville account.
BBC PRODUCER
The next guy we wanted from the XHF Network was Marty Donovan.
NOEL EDMONDS
Marty Donovan?
BBC PRODUCER
We got some intelligence on him that soured us.
NOEL EDMONDS
What was that?
BBC PRODUCER
That he’s no longer the mouthpiece for a murderous regime.
NOEL EDMONDS
Without Disney’s support to make him a proxy for China?
BBC PRODUCER
Actually, I meant the Network. Do you know that less than 10% of Dino Bones fans who attended a live event made it to a second?
NOEL EDMONDS
Because it’s an esoteric farce that took cues from Monty Python as much as it did The Muppet Show?
BBC PRODUCER
(Deadpan)
No, we mean they were almost certainly ingested by a Dracolich.
NOEL EDMONDS
Who told you that Marty supported this?
BBC PRODUCER
An anonymous tip.
NOEL EDMONDS
Was it an anonymous source with a high voice?
BBC PRODUCER
Yes, unusually so.
NOEL EDMONDS
(muttering)
For once the child tampers with the BBC.
BBC PRODUCER
Pardon?
NOEL EDMONDS
Nothing. So, who else was above me?
BBC PRODUCER
Actually, you were next. The higher-ups really got on board with having the voice of a bad faith actor representing a murderous communist regime.
BBC PRODUCER (CONT’D)
But you’ll be going on first, we might need to explain to anyone who’s never used a Floppy Disk who the hell you are. Anyways, relax and don’t say anything too controversial.
The FSB AGENT takes this as his cue.
The door SLAMS.
FSB AGENT
You’re not just out there to publicize your appearance at the XHF Rumble. Our Lord wants you to push the proud Russian beliefs that we spoke about on the flight. Can you remember them all?
NOEL EDMONDS
(Remembering)
The crisis in Ukraine is to be referred to as a military training exercise, Biden was caught with deep fake pornography of Kamala Harris and Bernie Sanders, and that we want NATO to intercede in the biggest issue in World History!
FSB AGENT
Which is….
NOEL EDMONDS
Getting manufacturers of hot dog sausages and hot dog buns to agree on a standard number!
The eyes of the FSB AGENT narrow.
FSB AGENT
Correct, Mr Edmonds, I’m impressed but you missed one other talking point. Try, try like your life depends on it…because it does.
EDMONDS visibly gulps.
EDMONDS scrunches up his face.
NOEL EDMONDS
(Between gritted teeth)
Finland doesn’t exist and is simply part of Russia!
FSB AGENT
You may be our best recruit since we made Paul Hogan famous.
NOEL EDMONDS
What?
FSB AGENT
You think people like Merric are institutionally racist by accident? Paul Hogan only got the Crocodile Dundee gig because we swayed it for him. In return, he caused support for the Afghanistani people caught in our military training exercise in Kabul to disappear! They just didn't know when to stop and so now we have the Aussies of today.
NOEL EDMONDS
Whatever happened to him?
FSB AGENT
US Open in 1997. He supported eventual winner and fellow Australian Patrick Rafter throughout the tournament EVEN against Andrei Medvedev!
NOEL EDMONDS
Isn’t he Ukranian?
FSB AGENT
This was when they knew their place under our boot!
FSB AGENT (CONT’D)
Hogan in 1996? Stars in Flipper and everyone loves dolphins. Paul Hogan in 1998? In a TV movie with Judge Reinhold and Rosanna Arquette…only Alexis is weaker.
NOEL EDMONDS
I understand.
A KNOCK is head on the door.
BBC RUNNER
Mr. Edmonds? We’re ready for you…
GRAHAM NORTON
Tonight on the show, we have WAYNE ROONEY!!!
CROWD
OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!
GRAHAM NORTON
We’ll have BILLIE EILISH!!!
CROWD
OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!
GRAHAM NORTON
Everyone’s favourite actor to talk about Good Omens 3, MICHAEL SHEEN!!!!
CROWD
OOOOOHHHH!!!
GRAHAM NORTON
EVERYONE’S FAVORITE GUEST ON THIS SHOW….DAME HELEN MIRREN!!!
GRAHAM NORTON
But first, he was the man who dominated the Saturday Night TV Schedules in the Nineties…
Crickets. Not talkative crickets but ones that are silent in the same way that Death Trap is not.
GRAHAM NORTON
From Crinkly Bottom to Deal or No Deal. From television to radio, he’s done it all whether Saturday morning or evening television.
NORTON visibly sighs.
GRAHAM NORTON
HE WAS THE SIDEKICK TO MR BLOBBY!!!
CROWD
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!
Somewhere in the crowd a chant starts.
CROWD
WE WANT BLOBBY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* WE WANT BLOBBY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*WE WANT BLOBBY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*WE WANT BLOBBY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*WE WANT BLOBBY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*
GRAHAM NORTON
NOEL EDMONDS!!!!!!!
CROWD
WE WANT BLOBBY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* WE WANT BLOBBY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*WE WANT BLOBBY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*WE WANT BLOBBY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*WE WANT BLOBBY! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*
NORTON gets up and shakes the hand of EDMONDS.
EDMONDS sits on the couch.
The chant dies down.
GRAHAM NORTON
SO….I’m sure our audience would love to know what you’ve been up to since you left our screens nine years ago.
EDMONDS stands up but immediately realizes a red dot has appeared on his shirt.
EDMONDS sheepishly sits down.
NOEL EDMONDS
I did go in the jungle, Graham. Did your researchers not pick that up?
GRAHAM NORTON
Did you? What charity was that for?
NOEL EDMONDS
It was for me, Graham, I WAS THE CHARITY! It was I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!
GRAHAM NORTON
If it isn’t on the BBC, it doesn’t count I’m afraid. So, where else can viewers see you these days?
NOEL EDMONDS
On the XHF Network. Not only did I hold the XHF Tag Team titles but also the GUNS Gentleman’s Pairs Trophy!
GRAHAM NORTON
But anyone can win those. Even Moloch and the other one had them briefly, didn’t they?
NOEL EDMONDS
No-one cares about them anymore. We…The Crinkly Bottom Boys, well…I took them as far as they could go. Besides, Donzig wishes he could hold a title like that rather than his minions.
GRAHAM NORTON
(whispering)
No-one knows who he is.
NORTON leans back and resumes.
GRAHAM NORTON (CONT’D)
We were told you’ll be entering the XHF Rumble where forty XHF stars will compete for the X*Crown!
NOEL EDMONDS
But only I’ll come out on top!!!
GRAHAM NORTON
The United Kingdom is well represented. You for England, Spike Kane would surely say Ireland are his people, Random McConalogue hailing from Scotland. It seems it’s only the Welsh who are missing a fighter.
NOEL EDMONDS
That’s because they’re not real people. They’re less real than the Finnish!
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
What are YOU going to do? Bore me with tales of how you knocked up Beckinsale?
MICHAEL SHEEN
That’s from the valleys!
EDMONDS scrambles to his feet and approaches MICHAEL SHEEN.
NOEL EDMONDS
HAVE THIS!!!
EDMONDS pulls out a picture of MARGARET THATCHER.
MICHAEL SHEEN recoils and drops to his knees.
NOEL EDMONDS
That’s it! Remember your weakness! Remember how she crippled you and we all supported it!!
SECURITY storm the stage.
NOEL EDMONDS
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!!! I….SHALL….NOT….BE….MOVED!!!!!!