Post by Dave D-Flipz on Apr 18, 2024 0:01:16 GMT -5
Mistress Discipline: I cannot believe I am having such trouble finding a first edition signed copy of Darkly Dreaming Dexter.
Dr. Chaos: I can’t believe you dragged me around Boone, North Carolina looking for a dusty old book.
Mistress Discipline: Chaos ... 2004 is not dusty and old.
*We see Mistress Discipline and Dr. Chaos marching, empty-handed, back towards the Bowler Hat Basecamp once again. Is this really the third time they thought this was a good idea? They approach the door.*
Dr. Chaos: I mean, at least it’s a good novel but-
*They hear voices through the door again. One is very gravelly and deep, but muffled as if behind a metal mask.*
Death Trap: Don’t they know who I am … I am the wonder and savior of this network. I am Glory in High Places! Grrrrr. All I need to do to prove to everyone I am the greatest to ever wrestle is to go to XHF HQ.
Mistress Discipline: At what point did we forget this was a poor idea?
Dr. Chaos: We need to stop leaving them alone …
*They slowly push open the door. There in a makeshift throne made of old action figures, duct tape, aluminum foil and a dream sits a man. He has on what would SEEM to be a Doctor Doom cosplay but the robe is actually a hoodie and the mask is of the Iron Giant.*
Death Trap: Grrrr, then I can get a job there doing menial labor for Mongo so he KNOWS he is not necessary. It’s the perfect plan!
*Sitting on Death Trapzig’s right is Sarah in a flak jacket and slapping DT’s baseball bat into her palm as she laughs. To his left is Poka. The rat has on her bowler hat and is gnawing on a toilet paper tube with Donzig’s face on it. Both of them are face-painted like in A Clockwork Orange. At DT’s feet, acting as an ottoman is Funaki, in full poodle outfit, weeping and sitting in a puddle of what might be urine? DT whips his feet off of Funaki and plants them so he can grumble at his intruders*
Death Trap: You dare seek an audience with me without an appointment? Allow me to write a poem and sing a showtune to you about why this was a poor decision! In the meantime, attack them my Trap Death Squad!
*DT strokes his beard as his two minions approach the ladies.*
Mistress Discipline: NOPE! We are not entertaining this again!
Dr. Chaos: Sarah, what have I told you about weapons?
Sarah: …Cannibalism … ew.
*DT looks incredulous!*
Death Trap: Why do you deny me my foibles! Don’t you know who I am!? How else would I be able to replicate the success of my enemies if I don’t-
Dr. Chaos: DONZIG HAS NEVER WON DIDDLY DOO DOO!
*DT stops in mid-rant, the iron giant mask slides off his face to the ground as his hood falls down.*
Death Trap: Oh … oh that’s right … That’s ok I can’t hold a pitch anyway, I’m not cut out for show tunes.
*Mistress leads DT away to the bedroom to change. Chaos licks her thumb and tries to wipe the paint from the eye of Sarah. She glances to Funaki*
Dr. Chaos: I really hope that isn’t what it looks like, that costume is a rental …
Death Trap: Stop the presses! Donzig says something intelligent and factually accurate! You are in fact, NOT, the greatest wrestler who ever lived.
*Death Trap steps onto the stage at a press event. He marches up to the podium with a chuckle. He has on his Armani suit, charcoal gray, with fine Italian shoes, a blue tie, designer sunglasses … and a fucking bowler hat to REALLY sell how pretentious he is becoming. He lowers the shades to the edge of his nose and looks over them with a smirk in his mouth AND his eyes.*
Death Trap: Don’t take it too hard, Donnie. You’re either perfect … or you’re not me. Donzig, I AM the greatest wrestler who ever lived. And it makes me happy to see you finally recognizing game. I’d say game recognizing game but … let’s be realistic here. I’m playing 4D chess and you’re playing Hi Ho Cheerio.
*DT laughs and pushes the glasses back onto his face and removes his hat to set it on the podium. It is branded with his sponsors for his Bowler Hat Brigade race team. DT turns and whistles off stage … and for brand synergy, out walks Funaki in a French Poodle costume. He whimpers in shame.*
Death Trap: Oh buck up, this is a real XHF sponsored event, you get paid to appear.
*The cameras in the crowd focus on the former X*Crown champ and 2 time end of days winner. Flashbulbs go off like crazy. He turns back to look at the crowd.*
Death Trap: Since you’re all here, let’s talk about everyone’s least favorite disease. I thought I’d escaped Donzig when he stayed to rule over SWAT. I thought I’d left him behind when REIGN closed. But this man is everywhere. If a cockroach were a wrestler. Or a mosquito. I kept saying to myself I’d never see Donzig again. And then there he’d be. Him and his goon squad. For someone who so hates the craziness of the XHF Network and wants more violent and brutal wrestling matches … he sure does show up everywhere. JRoK, Fireside, WUK, HKW, SWAT, has he appeared in Tapout? Global shows, I’m pretty sure the only reason he hasn’t shown up to ruin my time in CAR (more than Memaw) is that he can’t drive. Especially with that mask on. So the question I find myself asking, is when will I see you again, Donzig? Because I know it’s going to happen. You got the better of me in SWAT, you got lucky in REIGN. I couldn’t let that stand. After all, I am the Main Attraction. I am the man who gets the attention and the spotlight. I am the most sought after wrestler in the network and I only ever appear in one place. I’m a hot commodity. You are out here diluting your own brand. And much like a bad beer, watering it down only makes it more disgusting. I think we reached Donzig critical saturation in 2022. This beer is officially skunked.
*DT takes off his glasses and sets them in his coat pocket and then rolls up his sleeves with a chuckle. Funaki does a little dance while DT takes a drink of his Dr. Pepper. #NotSpon*
Death Trap: But see, while Donzig keeps watering himself down, I’ve been aging like a fine wine. Growing more desirable, more complex, more nuanced and well rounded. I’ve picked up on the tricks of his trade. And what happened in the End of Days tournament? Well, since I won that tournament, I think you can all make a very educated guess. To the sounds of my legions of fans, who … are mysteriously absent at this public event, huh … I put the dog down.
*DT slams his hands on the podium*
Death Trap: And don’t give me this alternate personality bullshit. Scourge, Green, Red, Blue, motherfucking ghost Donzig … it’s all the same. You don’t just lose talent because you took a beating. I outwrestled you. I outlasted you. And I did what so many have wanted to do, and shut you up. And here we are again, reliant on the Exterminator of XHF’s Cockroaches. Never send a hellspectre to do a man’s job. Clearly it is only me who has the talent and tenacity to put Donzig out of his own misery, and by proxy all of ours. “When will I see Donzig again?” –Never. Never see Donzig again. Spike put you in the ground. Clearly he forgot the first rule. Always double tap.
*DT makes a hand pistol gesture and aims at his own head and mimes two shots.*
Death Trap: By any means necessary, right Donnie? DO what has to be DONE! DO what only I can get DONE! Shut the mouth of the “wonder and terror” of this age. Yeah people stand in awe of Donzig. The very definition of the word awful! I’ve seen it all now, Donzig. And I’ve shown you that I can beat you at your best. So let’s put away the Thanos act. You are no martyr, you are no misunderstood heroic soul. You are not here to “save” anyone. Let’s call a spade a spade. You are just another bitter wrestler who isn’t able to get on MY level, crying out for someone to just HEAR your gripes, SEE your plight, GIVE you what you want! It’s really quite pathetic. You act like you’re speaking some universal truth that the poor unwashed masses just don’t get. But you are a scared child, crying for love, acting out for attention, making a scene. SEVERAL scenes. Probably from some old movie that no person born after 2000 is even aware of. But hey, you are right. I don’t give two fucks about you and your wants. And I am down to make you suffer. I will happily stand here and take it all from you again. Spike couldn’t finish you off … well then it’s on Death Trap to send a literal Old Yeller over the rainbow bridge. And I’m feeling just magnanimous enough to gift that to the XHF Network!
*The crowd begins to murmur, unsure of how to deal with DT’s aggressive stance to one of his most hated enemies.*
Death Trap: Ladies and gentlemen, Death Trap, your paragon of wrestling, your future X*Crown champion, is here to gift that to you. Donzig … you just don’t get it. You want to line up the legends and kill them, make them fade. Legends don’t die. They suffer bad publicity and their memory gets distorted. But they live on. They remain in the back of the people’s minds. And sooner or later they get untwisted and renewed. Really a shame for you I’m feeling awfully twisted up right now. I see you and Noel Edmonds and Black Tiger and others spinning tales and telling lies … and it makes me want to puke. Like any of you can stand in the same ring with the best damn wrestler to ever live. Trying to steal my spotlight, siphon my cheers, block my ascension. Really makes a poor paragon wanna go renegade for life if ya feel me, Donnie.
*DT puts his glasses and hat back on and tugs at his lapels to straighten his ruffled coat. He looks at the crowd again with a stern expression before he smiles.*
Death Trap: But hey, you go on … keep insulting the places that give you work. Not like you can make them any worse, if they are as you say. Keep talking shit about CAR, try and do more to lower its standing than Mary is on her own. You know what CAR has on their roster that Donzig-Gun doesn’t? An X*Crown champion. An End of Days winner. Shots fired. So you keep telling yourself this is all doomed, nothing matters. You keep wallowing in your pity. You keep showing up everywhere. Get everyone talking about Donzig. I’ll keep winning. I’ll keep improving. I’ll be X*Crown Champion again. And then you can look at CAR and figure out how to come to US and try to take the X*Crown from the back of your power wheels or whatever you can legally ride. You were not made whole, Donny. You clearly show that. You want, want, want, and try to take, take, take. I am not going to make you whole.
*He lowers his glasses and leans into the microphone over the podium as flashes go off again.*
Death Trap: But I can sure as hell put you IN a hole. I am no God. I am no hero. But I am … the best. I am the Main Attraction. And I am … your future three-time XHF X*Crown champion.
*He laughs and stands straight. Hands get raised in the crowd. He smirks.*
Death Trap: To quote my lovely better half … no further questions.
*He walks off stage, dragging Funaki on a leash, as the reporters all grumble angrily at the legend ignoring the purpose of this whole event*
Dr. Chaos: I can’t believe you dragged me around Boone, North Carolina looking for a dusty old book.
Mistress Discipline: Chaos ... 2004 is not dusty and old.
*We see Mistress Discipline and Dr. Chaos marching, empty-handed, back towards the Bowler Hat Basecamp once again. Is this really the third time they thought this was a good idea? They approach the door.*
Dr. Chaos: I mean, at least it’s a good novel but-
*They hear voices through the door again. One is very gravelly and deep, but muffled as if behind a metal mask.*
Death Trap: Don’t they know who I am … I am the wonder and savior of this network. I am Glory in High Places! Grrrrr. All I need to do to prove to everyone I am the greatest to ever wrestle is to go to XHF HQ.
Mistress Discipline: At what point did we forget this was a poor idea?
Dr. Chaos: We need to stop leaving them alone …
*They slowly push open the door. There in a makeshift throne made of old action figures, duct tape, aluminum foil and a dream sits a man. He has on what would SEEM to be a Doctor Doom cosplay but the robe is actually a hoodie and the mask is of the Iron Giant.*
Death Trap: Grrrr, then I can get a job there doing menial labor for Mongo so he KNOWS he is not necessary. It’s the perfect plan!
*Sitting on Death Trapzig’s right is Sarah in a flak jacket and slapping DT’s baseball bat into her palm as she laughs. To his left is Poka. The rat has on her bowler hat and is gnawing on a toilet paper tube with Donzig’s face on it. Both of them are face-painted like in A Clockwork Orange. At DT’s feet, acting as an ottoman is Funaki, in full poodle outfit, weeping and sitting in a puddle of what might be urine? DT whips his feet off of Funaki and plants them so he can grumble at his intruders*
Death Trap: You dare seek an audience with me without an appointment? Allow me to write a poem and sing a showtune to you about why this was a poor decision! In the meantime, attack them my Trap Death Squad!
*DT strokes his beard as his two minions approach the ladies.*
Mistress Discipline: NOPE! We are not entertaining this again!
Dr. Chaos: Sarah, what have I told you about weapons?
Sarah: …Cannibalism … ew.
*DT looks incredulous!*
Death Trap: Why do you deny me my foibles! Don’t you know who I am!? How else would I be able to replicate the success of my enemies if I don’t-
Dr. Chaos: DONZIG HAS NEVER WON DIDDLY DOO DOO!
*DT stops in mid-rant, the iron giant mask slides off his face to the ground as his hood falls down.*
Death Trap: Oh … oh that’s right … That’s ok I can’t hold a pitch anyway, I’m not cut out for show tunes.
*Mistress leads DT away to the bedroom to change. Chaos licks her thumb and tries to wipe the paint from the eye of Sarah. She glances to Funaki*
Dr. Chaos: I really hope that isn’t what it looks like, that costume is a rental …
Death Trap: Stop the presses! Donzig says something intelligent and factually accurate! You are in fact, NOT, the greatest wrestler who ever lived.
*Death Trap steps onto the stage at a press event. He marches up to the podium with a chuckle. He has on his Armani suit, charcoal gray, with fine Italian shoes, a blue tie, designer sunglasses … and a fucking bowler hat to REALLY sell how pretentious he is becoming. He lowers the shades to the edge of his nose and looks over them with a smirk in his mouth AND his eyes.*
Death Trap: Don’t take it too hard, Donnie. You’re either perfect … or you’re not me. Donzig, I AM the greatest wrestler who ever lived. And it makes me happy to see you finally recognizing game. I’d say game recognizing game but … let’s be realistic here. I’m playing 4D chess and you’re playing Hi Ho Cheerio.
*DT laughs and pushes the glasses back onto his face and removes his hat to set it on the podium. It is branded with his sponsors for his Bowler Hat Brigade race team. DT turns and whistles off stage … and for brand synergy, out walks Funaki in a French Poodle costume. He whimpers in shame.*
Death Trap: Oh buck up, this is a real XHF sponsored event, you get paid to appear.
*The cameras in the crowd focus on the former X*Crown champ and 2 time end of days winner. Flashbulbs go off like crazy. He turns back to look at the crowd.*
Death Trap: Since you’re all here, let’s talk about everyone’s least favorite disease. I thought I’d escaped Donzig when he stayed to rule over SWAT. I thought I’d left him behind when REIGN closed. But this man is everywhere. If a cockroach were a wrestler. Or a mosquito. I kept saying to myself I’d never see Donzig again. And then there he’d be. Him and his goon squad. For someone who so hates the craziness of the XHF Network and wants more violent and brutal wrestling matches … he sure does show up everywhere. JRoK, Fireside, WUK, HKW, SWAT, has he appeared in Tapout? Global shows, I’m pretty sure the only reason he hasn’t shown up to ruin my time in CAR (more than Memaw) is that he can’t drive. Especially with that mask on. So the question I find myself asking, is when will I see you again, Donzig? Because I know it’s going to happen. You got the better of me in SWAT, you got lucky in REIGN. I couldn’t let that stand. After all, I am the Main Attraction. I am the man who gets the attention and the spotlight. I am the most sought after wrestler in the network and I only ever appear in one place. I’m a hot commodity. You are out here diluting your own brand. And much like a bad beer, watering it down only makes it more disgusting. I think we reached Donzig critical saturation in 2022. This beer is officially skunked.
*DT takes off his glasses and sets them in his coat pocket and then rolls up his sleeves with a chuckle. Funaki does a little dance while DT takes a drink of his Dr. Pepper. #NotSpon*
Death Trap: But see, while Donzig keeps watering himself down, I’ve been aging like a fine wine. Growing more desirable, more complex, more nuanced and well rounded. I’ve picked up on the tricks of his trade. And what happened in the End of Days tournament? Well, since I won that tournament, I think you can all make a very educated guess. To the sounds of my legions of fans, who … are mysteriously absent at this public event, huh … I put the dog down.
*DT slams his hands on the podium*
Death Trap: And don’t give me this alternate personality bullshit. Scourge, Green, Red, Blue, motherfucking ghost Donzig … it’s all the same. You don’t just lose talent because you took a beating. I outwrestled you. I outlasted you. And I did what so many have wanted to do, and shut you up. And here we are again, reliant on the Exterminator of XHF’s Cockroaches. Never send a hellspectre to do a man’s job. Clearly it is only me who has the talent and tenacity to put Donzig out of his own misery, and by proxy all of ours. “When will I see Donzig again?” –Never. Never see Donzig again. Spike put you in the ground. Clearly he forgot the first rule. Always double tap.
*DT makes a hand pistol gesture and aims at his own head and mimes two shots.*
Death Trap: By any means necessary, right Donnie? DO what has to be DONE! DO what only I can get DONE! Shut the mouth of the “wonder and terror” of this age. Yeah people stand in awe of Donzig. The very definition of the word awful! I’ve seen it all now, Donzig. And I’ve shown you that I can beat you at your best. So let’s put away the Thanos act. You are no martyr, you are no misunderstood heroic soul. You are not here to “save” anyone. Let’s call a spade a spade. You are just another bitter wrestler who isn’t able to get on MY level, crying out for someone to just HEAR your gripes, SEE your plight, GIVE you what you want! It’s really quite pathetic. You act like you’re speaking some universal truth that the poor unwashed masses just don’t get. But you are a scared child, crying for love, acting out for attention, making a scene. SEVERAL scenes. Probably from some old movie that no person born after 2000 is even aware of. But hey, you are right. I don’t give two fucks about you and your wants. And I am down to make you suffer. I will happily stand here and take it all from you again. Spike couldn’t finish you off … well then it’s on Death Trap to send a literal Old Yeller over the rainbow bridge. And I’m feeling just magnanimous enough to gift that to the XHF Network!
*The crowd begins to murmur, unsure of how to deal with DT’s aggressive stance to one of his most hated enemies.*
Death Trap: Ladies and gentlemen, Death Trap, your paragon of wrestling, your future X*Crown champion, is here to gift that to you. Donzig … you just don’t get it. You want to line up the legends and kill them, make them fade. Legends don’t die. They suffer bad publicity and their memory gets distorted. But they live on. They remain in the back of the people’s minds. And sooner or later they get untwisted and renewed. Really a shame for you I’m feeling awfully twisted up right now. I see you and Noel Edmonds and Black Tiger and others spinning tales and telling lies … and it makes me want to puke. Like any of you can stand in the same ring with the best damn wrestler to ever live. Trying to steal my spotlight, siphon my cheers, block my ascension. Really makes a poor paragon wanna go renegade for life if ya feel me, Donnie.
*DT puts his glasses and hat back on and tugs at his lapels to straighten his ruffled coat. He looks at the crowd again with a stern expression before he smiles.*
Death Trap: But hey, you go on … keep insulting the places that give you work. Not like you can make them any worse, if they are as you say. Keep talking shit about CAR, try and do more to lower its standing than Mary is on her own. You know what CAR has on their roster that Donzig-Gun doesn’t? An X*Crown champion. An End of Days winner. Shots fired. So you keep telling yourself this is all doomed, nothing matters. You keep wallowing in your pity. You keep showing up everywhere. Get everyone talking about Donzig. I’ll keep winning. I’ll keep improving. I’ll be X*Crown Champion again. And then you can look at CAR and figure out how to come to US and try to take the X*Crown from the back of your power wheels or whatever you can legally ride. You were not made whole, Donny. You clearly show that. You want, want, want, and try to take, take, take. I am not going to make you whole.
*He lowers his glasses and leans into the microphone over the podium as flashes go off again.*
Death Trap: But I can sure as hell put you IN a hole. I am no God. I am no hero. But I am … the best. I am the Main Attraction. And I am … your future three-time XHF X*Crown champion.
*He laughs and stands straight. Hands get raised in the crowd. He smirks.*
Death Trap: To quote my lovely better half … no further questions.
*He walks off stage, dragging Funaki on a leash, as the reporters all grumble angrily at the legend ignoring the purpose of this whole event*
