Dinosaur Dreams. [DB 01]
Apr 18, 2024 8:42:20 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by mosler on Apr 18, 2024 8:42:20 GMT -5
The La Brea Tar Pits.
A national natural landmark found in the urban sprawl of Los Angelas, known for its well preserved victims, with fossils dating back to prehistoric times. As night falls on the tourist trap, methane bubbles up to the top of his black surface, glistening under the moonlight - despite the city's light pollution. How many lives did this sinister pool claim? And even if the majority of the dead are beasts, with only a few corpses resembling man - do the souls still cry out? For the all the painful images that emerge from the psyche, of animals struggling to free themselves, labouring to breathe, perhaps evading a predator only to succumb to a more horrific fate - for the many ugly deaths that the setting represents... it is rather peaceful at night. An ominous silence, only occasionally interrupted by speeding motorists in the surrounding progress.
Casual viewers may know the site from Last Action Hero, Encino Man, or perhaps a better film? No, most likely those two. While the XHF faithful will remember it as the final resting place of Al Jabroni, Zoran Sainovic, and The Dread Lord - all swallowed by the darkness at End of Days 2023. Certain death for the human participants, but for the dracolich an ironic return. How many billions of years did he spend decomposing in a pit just like La Brea? Watching as his reptilian skin peeled off a final time, organs melting, bones preserved, and blackening his spirit.
Yes, for Dinosaur Bones that fateful night in which The Final Boss drove him into the pit, was little more than a homecoming.
Given the state in which he entered the square circle, there is little to suggest that the tar ended the Dracolich's career - just slowed the beast down.
Few would weep for the monster, who deserves far worse.
Still, as the year changes, and months slip away, the creatures' absence becomes more pronounced. What is keeping him? Does the fiend need help to remove himself from the situation? Or has he decided to embrace this fitting end?
What would it take to bring him back?
And fifteen feet beneath the surface... what does the dinosaur dream of?
........A Buffet.
A veritable smorgasbord of lesser critters who lack the skills required to jump ship to a more vibrant watering hole, yet have a wide variety of tastes to offer. Quantity over quality, what they lack as meaningful entrees, they more then make up for in the sheer mass of finger foods. There might be two much tar in his mouth to drool, but in his mind dance images of all the best foods...
What a feast!
To start... thin pieces of white bread, or Charlie Sunflower - cut in to tiny triangular slices to act as a base. Yes, as walking corn, Charlie's Shoeshine Warrior pride toughen the strips for a tough battle that whets the appetite. Sunflowers also attract sparrows - with the birds providing the protein, that is lacking in Charlie's otherwise bland warrior spirit. How to keep the avians in place long enough to inhale them? Perhaps its the tar floating through the dinosaur's lizard brain, but it seems like a sticky spread is needed. For that? Vegemite! Leftover brewer's yeast, mixed with salt, malt, and for that Australian touch, Aiden Merric, all placed into a stirring bowl and ground into a thick brown paste. The Australian may try to convince the chef that his GIANT BOOT would compliment Shoeshine, but that is not a proper recipe and such Dad jokes are unbecoming of a drongo of his relative youth. Merrics are known to talk tough, but if they could actually defend themselves they'd still be Tap Out champions. To cut down on his slow witted posturing, start by mashing Aiden's face until it looks like an upside down meat pie. Smearing your Merric Vegemite on your "tastes speciously like white bread" Sunflower - the birds will find themselves stuck, and the only thing flying will be tastebuds.
Keeping with these light starters, a gallimaufry is in order. The only question? What meats to dice? The ARM815H1 MK.69 is a faux vulpus - whose metal properties make it more Pokemon than cool. While carving its eyes out to use the progenitor furry as a fleshlight, a distinguished chef will note that the MK. 69 is primarily fur and metal, and the only meat it offers it metaphoric... and exaggerated. On paper, the MK.69 has as little substance as it does brand loyalty. Yet, the scraps contain properties which can add a pleasant surprise, and sharp crunch, to the rest of the dish. While removing ARM815H1's extremities to be used as a garnish, I believe it was Julia Child - or perhaps Lorena Bobbitt - who advised novice culinary artists to remove the member last. Easily excitable, the MK.69's primary brain can go off, even after the model has fallen out of favour to tier 3 status. The nuts and bolts provided, pair nicely with a Bernhardt Denzinger. A foul creature known for its scatological impulses, the Denzinger should be filleted from anus to mouth, so that like the MK.69 it won't attempt to procreate with you in the midst of your vivisecting meal prep. The Denzinger will provide less resistance in groups of three, so this is the perfect time to add diced Nausicaä Suzuki. Many people completely forget about Suzuki, as indeed, she forgets about herself. You can place Nausicaä on the counter in the middle of chopping, and she won't run away. Not for bravery, but sheer apathy, or a comic need to irritate the shit out of all around her. Fortunately, Denzinger has already been cleaned. With crazy cat lady as her defining characteristic, and probable LinkedIn profile, Nausicaä can definitely be counted on for a ridiculous amount of feline hair - which blends nicely with Mk.69's fur ball. Just when you think the gallimaufry is finished, add fifty pounds of Damian Mordeau to the mix. Not wanting to waste food, its best to condense Damian down to a fifty pound ball, rather than find a best cut. Damian should only be used when the dish is basically done, where he might seem like an inconvenience, and it borders on being mean spirited to add one more element to a meal that everyone is already exhausted by. A lifetime of possibly phantom accomplishments will give you a winning dish that borders on imaginary perfection. Plus the two hairless apes, offset the two shay rugs.
All that fur in your teeth may remind you of those experimental Dinosaur college days, but that is a secret you'll take to your fifth grave! Still, for want of a palette cleanser, this is the perfect time to introduce a big glass of Moonshiner Jacob. In all likelihood, the Beast to his Beauty, Maxxi Karro, will remember how much she loves her husband - as his only definable trait, and follow the backwoods cowboy into your gullet. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT, that you only drink half of Moonshiner Jacob before allowing Maxxi to follow him, so you have the other half Jacob pint to wash her down.
At this point, while doing a Cookie Monster impression on Yuki Sakaraba - with more of his crumbs falling to the floor than in your mouth, you might remember Mr. Rip N' Terror. His small malnourished frame is practically begging Sally Struther to start a fundraiser to feed him. Its a sad reminder that there are parts of the world where they don't have the luxury of vomiting up Slam 3 an hour after chowing down, because his name reminded you of a Denny's breakfast menu, but now you're worried Slam will go to your hips. No, Rip is so underweight, he may never be able to reach his maximum potential of owning his cocktail weenie physique and becoming the best hors d'oeuvre he can be. All the starving children of the world, make you reach down and pick up the Yuki crumbs. Yuki may only be the empty calories of a Kira Izumi lifetime flunky, but god forbid one of those apes steal your food! It is a matter of principle. While scrounging up Yuki leftovers, you notice that Dana Daniels is stuck to your chest. That is where he lives. You may be tempted to take out your Tiger Stripe ice cream, and wring Dana over it until its glistening with honey. Just a reminder, we prepared the frozen treat earlier by placing water, ice, milk fat, and sugar into an ice cream maker. For the flavour, we placed Black Tiger into the machine, turning it, until the confusing red hue eventually grew light enough to pass for orange and black... also the screaming stopped. As nice as honey over Black Tiger in frozen treat form would be, we wouldn't want to spoil our appetites. Besides, Dana can be used to collect more bees - so for now, while cleaning one's bib, don't accidentally claw too many of Dana's limbs off.
Expending more calories picking up Yuki than eating him, you'll need a pick-me-up. This seems like a good time to sample a DonDomZant. As the name implies, this is a Donzig stuffed with a Dominicus stuffed with one of those Van Zants, Kasper seems the least gamey - for what its worth. You might not think these three meats compliment one another, and you'd be right - which is part of the appeal. Why the first time someone dared you to eat the disgusting co-dependent human centipede mess that was a DonDomZant, they had to bribe you with a Scoobarino snack. The trick to preparing fresh DonDomZant, is the almost comical rage issues of the first ingredient. Take a solid bite of your Scoobarino snack or a Theodore if you have one, and make a bold statement about dogs not being able to look up. Before your headless Theodore can even collapse into a pile of its own piss, tail still wagging, a skinhead with a big bushy beard will appear out of nowhere ready to argue with you about it. Given his passion for picking fights, it is amazing that the ape's beard is still intact. Like the fabled Samson, is it the source of his power? The poor man's Primal will go for a stunner - it is heavily choreographed - use the opportunity to grab his leg. Perpetually trying to keep the brute out of trouble, Dominicus will run to his aid! Is this your long term friend? Too many Dominici to tell if it's the REAL one. Use the leg to lift Donzig a few feet up in the air, so that he lands with enough force that Dominicus's head is engulfed in the angry ape's rectal cavity. Donzig will still try to fight, but unused to his new centaur body, be unable to mount an offence - bleeding out of his perferated anus, and losing colour despite starting an angry beat red. For his part, Dominicus - unable to breathe - will not try to separate from his new home... because stopping his Mr. Bean's Christmas impression might see his mask slide off. Dominicus can't risk his mask coming off, revealing his horrible secret identity, that under there........................ he is an ape. While most people wouldn't touch DonDom with a ten-foot-pole, Kasper is oblivious to tension, or appropriate timing, and is literally everywhere - bless her curious heart. Rather than rip out the heart to improve your curious cooking properties, we need her as stuffing. Some Michelin restaurants suggest shoving Kasper up Dominicus' rectum, but I prefer to shove her down Donzig's throat. This means the beard is at the centre of your DonDomZant and lost in the chewing. Her neck usually snaps half-way down Donzig's windpipe - the downside to pushing too hard and fast, but it takes the last of the fight out of him, and if her spine isn't severed, its hilarious to watch Kasper kick. Now you might wonder if your Donzig is firm enough to hold your DonDomZant together - he is a workhorse, but no man is an island. No, this is where Spike Kane comes in. Before your ape centipede gives up the ghosts, skewer them with a Spike. Think of Spike as a utensil to avoid physically touching the crime against nature squirming on your plate. You will probably take some substantial bites out of Spike, but these are accidental. He is not part of this feast. His role is ceremonial - to hold the food. He has no interest in being an ingredient. Can barely hide his disinterest in being consumed. This is unfortunate. His bones will be gnawed, but his lethargic approach to the buffet makes him entirely unappetizing. Spike may have gone to hell, but its the evaluation of his edibility that makes him truly damnable.
This is inevitably followed by a Noel Edmunds chaser. He can't help but mock the previous dish, to a pathological degree, that seems like a regional peculiarity. The sixteen limbs of the last meal may still be clinging to the sides of your throat, desperately trying to crawl out, when Noel impishly runs up to your mouth, making a comment about reading the room, unaware of the face that the room is your mouth, and he's joining his joke on a one way trip to your netherworld. It should be noted that Noel Edmunds is extremely refreshing, but there is a lingering taste of... I wish it was Blobby.
Wanting less fat and gristle than the DonDomZant grandfathered onto your colon? Something lighter. Pigs in a blanket involves catching Pork Dirkmeyer while he is asleep. This should be easy if Pork is watching one of his matches. No one knew how much they liked Tuna Meltzer, until Pork came along. Apparently he is better if you put ketchup on him, but the condiment just masks the substandard protein. Still, at least this mammal isn't an ape.
Next up we have mumbar. Mumbar is the intestines of The Sheik. This involves heavy cleaning, getting all the MXG out, to remove the horrible stench of substandard mouthpiece. We then stuff Sheik's intestines with a combination of rice, tomatoes, parsley and ground-up Jack 'Ripper' Gaines. All his time in the orient means that Gaines can provide that exotic foreign texture, that might otherwise feel forced. You might wonder what store carries Gaines that you can ground up? Don't worry. With Harding all grown up, Gaines is desperate for work, and this is just the right dish to get him back on track. The Gaines stuffed Sheik intestines are boiled - feel free to nibble on a Hurricane shredded poutine while you wait - then the mumbar is fried. This goes nicely with moloukia. Traditional cooks make that soup out of jute leaves, but I prefer to hold Sam Sawyer in a pot of boiling water until they stop moving. The good thing about Sawyer soup, is they usually have a supporting cast of thousands, who are happy to join them in there, very filling, and are usually a little more compelling than Sawyer themselves. A pinch of Joe Nobody adds a bitter kick. An alternative stew option is masmat, which involves putting Bloodied Fox's head in a pot. You can eat the eyes, nose, ears, cheeks, great protein... and Fox won't mind, they'll probably give him an award for his meaty sacrifice.
Images of food, and thoughts of eating start to come faster...
Captain Righteous Tartare. You feel heroic just eating him.
Pickled Purricane. If the jar fits.
Psychotic Goth legs - half the primordial screaming.
George Lucas' brains served chilled - put back inside Lucas as a serving tray.
Marty Donovan could easily be fashioned into a Mickey Pretzel. ...Except that you don't believe Marty Donovan exists, and considers him a figment of your Mickey pretzel eating imagination.
Shiokira. This is Shiokara but made out of Kira Izumi's entrails, served raw in his own fermenting viscera. If allowed near the kitchen, a jealous King Edmund may attempt to eat Mutt, to show off his massive appetite. Drawing unfortunate attention, you can turn the duo haggis - Edmunds vitals cooked in Mutt's stomach, naturally.
Death Trap's testicles. Small because of the steroids, and you have to ask Mistress Discipline's permission to have said balls, but worth it. She is agreeable, and can just as easily be paired with yogurt, because of the tart taste. Discipline will go down much easier than your first helping of Dom, sliding down your throat on a river of curled bovine mammary excretions. As for Death Trap's HGH drenched scrotum, it is a delicacy. Almost makes you forget that Funaki is the person you wanted to see repping CAR, and that you'll be watching yet another round of Trap and Fox, even though that program feels older than... you.
Finally, dessert. Randy Angel Food Cake covered in honey, and maybe Dana's brains if you wring too hard. Delicious. Room for more? Try a Triple B bear claw.
Yes, a satisfying feast... until Random McConalogue shows up. Yes, you can use Random to make a nice Casu Marzu - but who eats that AFTER dessert. What horrible timing. You will still begrudgingly make Casu Marzu out of Random, but she does not make late fashionable.
Calming your nerves, you sprinkle some Cheez over Buzz Lightbear - to make Rarebit.
I HOPE DRINKING RAREBIT SO LATE AT NIGHT WON'T GIVE ME BAD DREAMS.......
I HOPE DRINKING RAREBIT SO LATE AT NIGHT WON'T GIVE ME BAD DREAMS.......
...The feast ends.
The dreamer awakens.
The Dread Lord doesn't know why, but he feels like there is something important he needs to put in his stomach.
Starving, Dinosaur Bones rises to the surface of the pit... sleepy, hangry, not completely aware of his surroundings. With the laboured movements of a creature covered in tar, the dracolich starts stumbling off in the direction of A Night to Remember. It will take the monster some time to adjust back to this reality, but then?
The feast begins anew.