AT LEAST ONE GUARANTEED DEATH INSIDE! [NOEL 3]
Apr 18, 2024 14:45:24 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on Apr 18, 2024 14:45:24 GMT -5
FADE IN
OVER BLACK
TITLE: WE TOOK OUR CUE FROM HALLOWEEN III
EXT. THE WELSH COUNTRYSIDE - DAY
The shot is filmed mere inches from the ground and shows a cobbled street littered with the debris of a hundred passing people.
One such PERSON walks into shot. An OLD MAN of maybe seventy in a RED JUMPER ambles across the screen. He is eating a bag of crisps.
The OLD MAN searches for a second, looking for a bin.
With no trash can in sight, the OLD MAN throws the crisp packet on the floor and ambles into the distance and out of shot.
MUSIC: MA VLAST: MOLDAU - BEDRICH SMETANA
A PIGEON waddles into view.
The PIGEON starts to peck at the ground, looking for any crumbs or discarded food that it can find.
The PIGEON spots the CRISP PACKET and waddles over.
The PIGEON looks around for any intrusions.
Satisfied, the PIGEON buries his head into the packet looking for crumbs.
The PIGEON grabs the crisp packet with its beak and tips it up, covering itself in the crumbs and dust left over in the packet.
The PIGEON starts to raise its wings to its beak, picking the food from its feathers.
The crisps, incidentally, are extra spicy.
The PIGEON is the last to realize this as the heat consumes it.
The PIGEON doesn’t care. It devours the rest of the crisps before taking to the skies.
The camera follows as the PIGEON soars majestically.
A CHILD’S HELIUM BALLOON floats past causing the PIGEON to strafe to the left.
Looking down, the PIGEON spies two tramps fighting over fries. From this height they could be The Sheik and Psychotic Goth but we’ll never know for certain.
Divebombing down, the PIGEON flies past an XHF Network poster with Mongo’s face and the words ‘THE NETWORK NEEDS YOU!’ on it.
The PIGEON circles back around before aiming a jet of white excrement at the XHF Network Owner’s image.
Soaring back up to the sky, the PIGEON continues its route.
The PIGEON lands next to a large tree.
The PIGEON starts to circle the tree.
Happy all is safe, the PIGEON flies upwards before landing on a branch and knocking on the trunk of the tree with its beak.
A family of PIGEONS join our own PIGEON on the branch.
Our PIGEON shakes his plumage over the Squabs. The CRUMBS drop into their waiting beaks as if it were a meal fit for a Dracolich.
The other full-sized PIGEON uses its beak to grab our NARRATOR by the feathers and then gestures with its head to an underfed runt of the Squabs: more food is needed!
Our PIGEON visibly sighs with its body as it pecks the other PIGEON on the cheek and takes to the skies once more.
If a PIGEON could brake in mid-air, that’s exactly what our NARRATOR does.
The PIGEON divebombs.
We see the object of his focus - A HALF-EATEN WENDY’S BACONATOR.
The PIGEON pecks at it and decides it is indeed good.
The PIGEON manages to wrest the BACONATOR into it’s beak enough to carry.
BOOM!
The MUSICAL SCORE STOPS.
The camera is decorated with feathers, blood and all manner of Pigeon detritus.
In its place is a beat up ROLLS-ROYCE.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: WHO THE FUCK HAS ACTUALLY SEEN HALLOWEEN III?
Out of it steps EDMONDS.
On the other side of the car, the FSB AGENT.
The FSB AGENT reaches inside the car and pulls something out.
The FSB AGENT menacingly raises an UMBRELLA.
INT. LLANGOLEN FM RADIO STATION - DAY
(BEAT)
(BEAT)
A clattering of plastic on wood is heard.
A RAPID SERIES OF BANGS ARE HEARD ON THE OUTSIDE DOOR!
A RABBLE is heard over the airwaves.
The FSB AGENT waves his UMBRELLA once more.
A burly RUGBY PLAYER sized WELSHMAN charges him.
THE FSB AGENT stabs the WELSHMAN in the neck with the pointy end.
THE FSB AGENT kicks open the back door.
EXT. LLANGOLEN FM RADIO STATION - DAY
The FSB AGENT looks ready to explode.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: WE TOOK OUR CUE FROM HALLOWEEN III
EXT. THE WELSH COUNTRYSIDE - DAY
The shot is filmed mere inches from the ground and shows a cobbled street littered with the debris of a hundred passing people.
One such PERSON walks into shot. An OLD MAN of maybe seventy in a RED JUMPER ambles across the screen. He is eating a bag of crisps.
The OLD MAN searches for a second, looking for a bin.
With no trash can in sight, the OLD MAN throws the crisp packet on the floor and ambles into the distance and out of shot.
MUSIC: MA VLAST: MOLDAU - BEDRICH SMETANA
A PIGEON waddles into view.
The PIGEON starts to peck at the ground, looking for any crumbs or discarded food that it can find.
The PIGEON spots the CRISP PACKET and waddles over.
The PIGEON looks around for any intrusions.
Satisfied, the PIGEON buries his head into the packet looking for crumbs.
A DEEP WELSH ACCENT (VO)
My great-great-great grandfather was a proud man. My whole family were full of pride….If they could only see me now.
The PIGEON grabs the crisp packet with its beak and tips it up, covering itself in the crumbs and dust left over in the packet.
A DEEP WELSH ACCENT (VO)
They’d wonder how it all came to this.
The PIGEON starts to raise its wings to its beak, picking the food from its feathers.
A DEEP WELSH ACCENT (VO)
They’d wonder how society drove us all to this.
The crisps, incidentally, are extra spicy.
The PIGEON is the last to realize this as the heat consumes it.
A DEEP WELSH ACCENT (VO)
Eating leftover Vindaloo crisps from a man who’d just shit himself.
The PIGEON doesn’t care. It devours the rest of the crisps before taking to the skies.
The camera follows as the PIGEON soars majestically.
PIGEON WITH A DEEP WELSH ACCENT (VO)
I’d have to explain to my ancestors that times had changed.
A CHILD’S HELIUM BALLOON floats past causing the PIGEON to strafe to the left.
PIGEON (VO)
We were once admired by humans. We were kept as pets in keepings that would make the average person from somewhere like Raleigh, North Carolina blush. Preened daily, fed, watered, and nurtured like we were part of the human family.
Looking down, the PIGEON spies two tramps fighting over fries. From this height they could be The Sheik and Psychotic Goth but we’ll never know for certain.
PIGEON (VO)
We even had a caste system. The red-barred type were just happy to be anywhere, I sometimes watch the XHF Network in a garden not far from here and if I had to guess where evolution diverged? I’d say that you can see their type in Kira Izumi - not too bright, eager to please, and yet altogether uncomfortable in their surroundings.
The PIGEON circles back around before aiming a jet of white excrement at the XHF Network Owner’s image.
PIGEON (VO)
Sorry, involuntary voluntary reaction. Where was I?...Ah right, boyo. You see us Pigeons, we’re not just a one-size fits all kind of equation, you know what I mean? Some people claim they love the chequered ones but has anyone ever seen one in the wild, much less even heard one? Think about Damian Morgeau when you think of those.
Soaring back up to the sky, the PIGEON continues its route.
PIGEON (VO)
Don’t get me started on the white ones. Some people started to use them for religious reasons and seeing them as pure and whatnot and now they fly around everywhere acting like we should be impressed when the reality is they’ve not done anything in the first place to even gain that acclaim! I’m sure viewers of Wrestle: UK or the two people who watched REIGN could work out their own comparison.
PIGEON (VO)
Me? I come from a long line of Messenger pigeons. Go back far enough in my line and you’ll see our owners weren’t just people from long ago but Kings, Queens, and Nobility. The family legend is that Marie Antoinette’s quip of ‘Let them eat cake’ was delivered by an ancestor of mine, the promise of cake sealed the deal for him if we’re being truthful. Probably a good thing he left too, the peasants were ravenous and would most likely have roasted him with butter, garlic, and whatever else the French claim adds flavor to their food.
The PIGEON starts to circle the tree.
Happy all is safe, the PIGEON flies upwards before landing on a branch and knocking on the trunk of the tree with its beak.
PIGEON (VO)
Those were rare times, my family told me. We were valued, we were an important part of society…
A family of PIGEONS join our own PIGEON on the branch.
Our PIGEON shakes his plumage over the Squabs. The CRUMBS drop into their waiting beaks as if it were a meal fit for a Dracolich.
PIGEON (VO)
But that was then, before the devil sent us into exile. You might recognise his full name, Graham Alexander Bell. His device made us about as much use as Joe Nobody in an able-bodied fight…or any fight come to think of it, boyo.
The other full-sized PIGEON uses its beak to grab our NARRATOR by the feathers and then gestures with its head to an underfed runt of the Squabs: more food is needed!
Our PIGEON visibly sighs with its body as it pecks the other PIGEON on the cheek and takes to the skies once more.
PIGEON (VO)
His invention cast us pigeons out into the wilderness. Centuries of domestication meant we had no natural instincts, no knack to survive in the true wild and so, we were left, like half-beasts, to fend for ourselves in a realm that no longer wanted us.
If a PIGEON could brake in mid-air, that’s exactly what our NARRATOR does.
The PIGEON divebombs.
PIGEON (VO)
And so it comes to this….
We see the object of his focus - A HALF-EATEN WENDY’S BACONATOR.
PIGEON (VO)
If only my family could see me now.
The PIGEON pecks at it and decides it is indeed good.
The PIGEON manages to wrest the BACONATOR into it’s beak enough to carry.
PIGEON (VO)
Fending for scraps to feed my own yo-
BOOM!
The MUSICAL SCORE STOPS.
The camera is decorated with feathers, blood and all manner of Pigeon detritus.
In its place is a beat up ROLLS-ROYCE.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: WHO THE FUCK HAS ACTUALLY SEEN HALLOWEEN III?
Out of it steps EDMONDS.
NOEL EDMONDS
How! How did it come to this? It’s the equivalent of Versace stepping foot into a Wayfair!
On the other side of the car, the FSB AGENT.
FSB AGENT
You caused quite the international incident!
NOEL EDMONDS
With who?
FSB AGENT
The Welsh.
NOEL EDMONDS
They’re not a real country! It’s like claiming that Narnia, or Neverland, or Supremia is a real place!
FSB AGENT
No, they’re all made up places and the Welsh Assembly sent a delegate to the Kremlin to either have you apologise or they’d start a war with Russia.
NOEL EDMONDS
Why would they do that? What was the cassus belli? Did they find it offensive that a country has an either more ridiculous dictionary than their own?
The FSB AGENT reaches inside the car and pulls something out.
The FSB AGENT menacingly raises an UMBRELLA.
NOEL EDMONDS
Simmer down, lovey bumps, we’re not in Salisbury now!
FSB AGENT
Just get inside the building!
NOEL EDMONDS
You don’t see Sam Sawyer doing this sort of thing? Random McConalogue isn’t forced to do this!
FSB AGENT
Random hasn’t done much of anything and besides, neither of them nearly caused an international incident!
NOEL EDMONDS
Isn’t that the whole point? To cause international unrest?
FSB AGENT
With the Network. They are the workshy pigs who offend the Russian way of life!
NOEL EDMONDS
Do you ever find it odd that Communists always compare people to pigs and yet in Animal Farm, George Orwell made the pigs…
The FSB AGENT once more waves the umbrella.NOEL EDMONDS
Fine…I’ll go inside.
INT. LLANGOLEN FM RADIO STATION - DAY
ALED FFOULKES-JONES
Llangolens rejoice. We’re joined by the most hated man in all of Wales and you all know where to find us. For those who might be new, we’re based at Llangolen FM, on the high street and you might know us because we’re also your post office, convenience store, and local loan shark!
ALED FFOULKES-JONES
Let’s give that catchy jingle one last play before we introduce our guest.
(BEAT)
JINGLE (to the ADDAMS FAMILY THEME)
He think’s he’s rather clever
Insulting Uncle Trevor
Escaping Wales, never
The Beardy Gobshite!
ALED FFOULKES-JONES
That’s right, folks! We have Noel Edmonds here and NATO have made it clear that they couldn’t give a toss what happens to him! Noel, what do you have to say for your actions?
NOEL EDMONDS
Hold on, I’ll speak your tongue. I’m just seeing how the Scrabble pieces have fallen….Y-Y-D-D-G-G-F….
ALED FFOULKES-JONES
We speak English and you just spelt School.
NOEL EDMONDS
That’s my point. You’re all some weird Tolkien country that hasn’t realized that we English own you! We own you like I’m going to take down the Rumble and walk out with the X*Crown and you know why? Because I’m backed by a colossus of a nation! You think you lot are tough because you shag sheep and practice on your cousins…..these people skin sheep and practice on their cousins!
ALED FFOULKES-JONES
What makes you despise the Welsh?
NOEL EDMONDS
It’s the need to constantly try and prove you’re something you’re not. The constant need to reclaim a status you never really had outside of your own heads. The UN would think you were Death Trap but he gets a seat at his own table, you have to send US! The English!!
ALED FFOULKES-JONES
Honestly, listeners. Feel free to come down, pay a pound to hit the big bad! All donations are to support Gwenllian’s tea rooms next door!
NOEL EDMONDS
No-one’s coming down, Aled because they know I’m right!
A RAPID SERIES OF BANGS ARE HEARD ON THE OUTSIDE DOOR!
ALED FFOULKES-JONES
You hear that, listeners? We’re going to have a lynching…live!
NOEL EDMONDS
I don’t listen to the MSM about you lot, Taffo! They’d have you believe you’re honest folk who work hard and are a great laugh but I know the truth! You’re going to replace Saint David’s Day with two other days instead. St. Ryan and St. Rob…okay, the last one is every eighth year but it’s still a thing.
ALED FFOULKES-JONES
(Opening the door)
HE KNOWS OUR PLANS!
A RABBLE is heard over the airwaves.
FSB AGENT
GET BACK!!!
The FSB AGENT waves his UMBRELLA once more.
FSB AGENT
I’ll use it.
A burly RUGBY PLAYER sized WELSHMAN charges him.
THE FSB AGENT stabs the WELSHMAN in the neck with the pointy end.
NOEL EDMONDS
I thought you had Ricin!!
FSB AGENT
Your use of stereotypes is really toxic, Noel, you know that?
FSB AGENT
RUN!!!!
NOEL EDMONDS
Well…that wasn’t terrible.
The FSB AGENT looks ready to explode.
FSB AGENT
We’re going to have to go for a smaller platform…