Армагеддон [NOEL 5]
Apr 20, 2024 2:47:59 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on Apr 20, 2024 2:47:59 GMT -5
FADE IN
OVER BLACK
TITLE: IF YOU LIKE TO SLED, YOU HAVE TO LIKE TO DRAG THE SLEDGE
EXT. UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, BERKELEY - DAY
FSB AGENT
EDMONDS picks up the megaphone.
A tomato narrowly misses the head of EDMONDS.
A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL sails over his head.
The STUDENT steps forward and is immediately taken by the arm by the FSB AGENT.
A CROSSBOW ARROW sails past EDMONDS’ head.
The sound of the ARROW sticking into a TREE behind EDMONDS.
Another STUDENT ACTIVIST walks across the camera shot holding a comically large iPad.
The STUDENT ACTIVIST turns up the volume. It’s footage from XHF’S A NIGHT TO REMEMBER: HONORING THOSE WHO WENT BEFORE US Event.
CUT TO:
OVER BLACK
TITLE: THE FALSE HOMECOMING
INT. NOEL’S KITCHEN - DAY
Birds tweet. The sound of a tea kettle being switched on. In the background, the radio.
EDMONDS walks outside with a glass of raw eggs in his hand.
EDMONDS lifts the glass to his mouth.
EDMONDS THROWS IT PAST THE CAMERA.
We see a PIG in the garden now struggling to see through its mucusy-gaze.
EDMONDS slits the PIG’s throat.
TIME DISSOLVE
EDMONDS sits at the table in the kitchen eating bacon with a satisfied look on his face.
EDMONDS chuckles.
A door opens and slams out of shot.
Into shot walks BLOBBY.
EDMONDS leaps to his feet.
BLOBBY shadowboxes.
BLOBBY puts an arm around EDMONDS and steers him out of the room.
FADE OUT
OVER BLACK
TITLE: IF YOU LIKE TO SLED, YOU HAVE TO LIKE TO DRAG THE SLEDGE
FSB AGENT (VO)
It’s funny, you seem to have lost sight of your original cause. Abandoned for it for your own causes but yet still, you’ve managed to not embarrass yourself like our other Western puppets. Musk continues to cosplay ‘The Most Divorced Dad in the Universe’, Ian Miles Cheong continues to shitpost for views, and Ben Shapiro still lives in a Negative Oediphal complex in regards to his sister.
NOEL EDMONDS (VO)
So, this is fine? I’m doing well? I don’t need to worry about updating my will?
FSB AGENT (VO)
That depends on how you do at the Rumble. You may keep your life but Russia is a big place and people are very small. How careless we could be to lose you in such a vast expanse….
NOEL EDMONDS (VO)
Top 5?
FSB AGENT (VO)
For top 5, we could maybe let you get away with being Russian consulate in a different country.
NOEL EDMONDS (VO)
A diplomat? Where?
FSB AGENT (VO)
Some backwards country most likely. New Zealand, Ghana, Wales….
NOEL EDMONDS (VO)
You’re shitting me? Is this because I’ve gone off-piste? That I haven’t called out Mongo further for being a communist oppressive warlord? That I haven’t raked him over the coals for the manner in which he acts without regard for human life or livelihood?
FSB AGENT (VO)
Partly, yes but…
NOEL EDMONDS (VO)
It’s THIS isn’t it….
FSB AGENT (VO)
Welllllll…….
FADE IN
EXT. UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, BERKELEY - DAY
NOEL EDMONDS
They NEED to learn. That’s what college is for, right? That you go out from your comfort zone and learn who you are? That you challenge your existing worldviews by mixing with a caucus taken from around the country, the globe even, so that you can get a well-rounded and healthy view of the World to shape and form your own opinions?
FSB AGENT
Ehhhhhh…..
NOEL EDMONDS
It’s all bollocks though, really, isn’t it? Bernie Sanders didn’t get elected, our great President will soon wipe out any sympathy for Ukraine from people’s mind and we can make cash from the crisis in the Middle East.
FSB AGENT
We need to be careful, Noel. You see, we need to get these people on board now and they should be open to it because of something that us Russians had no say in whatsoever.
NOEL EDMONDS
The ever-rising house prices? The stationary economy? A debt mountain that will eventually collapse on itself so that only those working for NVidia and the like will be safe?
FSB AGENT
Oppenheimer…
NOEL EDMONDS
I don’t follow.
FSB AGENT
It’s simple, the young are vain. They can’t help it, it’s just in their nature. You and I, we watch the film and we marvel at how it all came together, we look towards the warning signs in the film and can draw our own parallels to just how close we sit on the brink today. But what do the young take from it? That they’re geniuses, they’re open-minded….they could be communist geniuses, Noel. It’s that simple. They take one aspect that is accurately reflective of them and then use it as a way to foist the rest of the qualities onto themselves.
NOEL EDMONDS
But just look at what we’re working with here….
FSB AGENT
And they’re all here for you! Pick up the megaphone…
EDMONDS picks up the megaphone.
NOEL EDMONDS
MONGO SUPPORTS AN UNFEELING AND ILLEGAL STATE! MONGO THE DESTROYER HAS A PENCHANT FOR COCKLES, LAVERBREAD AND BARA BRITH! WALES HAS NO PLACE BEING RECOGNIZED AS A STATE!
A tomato narrowly misses the head of EDMONDS.
STUDENT ACTIVIST #1
WALES WAS SUBJUGATED BY THE BRITISH EMPIRE! PAKISTAN IS FREE, JAMAICA IS FREE! HOW LONG UNTIL WALES ESCAPES THE EMPIRICAL BOOT OF ENGLAND???
NOEL EDMONDS
If you want to debate me, please do so in a civilized manner.
STUDENT ACTIVIST #2
THE XHF NETWORK SUPPORTS ENGLAND! HOW MANY OPPORTUNITIES ARE GIVEN TO THE WELSH TO SUCCEED ON THE NETWORK? HOW MANY WELSH WRESTLERS HAVE BEEN GIVEN EXPOSURE ON THEIR SHOWS?
NOEL EDMONDS
Exactly! You there! Yes, you, with the dreadlocks and the hemp clothing. No, not you…your friend, the one who brings a fourth dimension to his aesthetic…yes, I mean his body odor!
STUDENT ACTIVIST #3
HE KIDNAPPED THEM! THEY’RE ACTING FOR THE STATE!!!!
NOEL EDMONDS
Nonsense! You want to talk about kidnapping? Wrestle: UK will book people against their will! THAT is an abuse of power! Even worse, Donzig WILL make you feel like Terry Waite once you start watching one of his NEVER-ENDING promos. Terry Waite himself was heard saying he wished he’d be returned back to the radiator than listen to that!!!
STUDENT ACTIVIST #4
THAT MAN’S A HOMOPHOBE! HE SAID BAD THINGS ABOUT BLOODIED FOX!!!
NOEL EDMONDS
I said he was a jumped-up prick when he had the title. Having a protected characteristic doesn’t stop you from being a massive jeb-end!
The sound of the ARROW sticking into a TREE behind EDMONDS.
NOEL EDMONDS
Who fires a crossbow??
STUDENT ACTIVIST #5
THE ECO-FRIENDLY TERRORIST CLUB! BRINGING ARMAGEDDON TODAY WHILST PROTECTING THE EARTH OF TOMORROW!
The FSB AGENT appears behind EDMONDS.
FSB AGENT
We got one, how’s it going here?
NOEL EDMONDS
Slightly fruity, comrade.
FSB AGENT
Want to continue?
NOEL EDMONDS
Sure, let’s see how far we can go.
NOEL EDMONDS
Protesting capitalism using the very symbol of it to do so. His parents must be so proud their money is being spent wisely.
FSB AGENT
This is all Westerners, no? Too busy delivering a sermon on the human rights abuses that Apple perform in China whilst wearing trainers made by the youth of Beijing?
NOEL EDMONDS
It’s Taiwan but YOU try explaining that to Xi Jinping!
NOEL EDMONDS
Oh no, we’re going to get deplatformed!
FSB AGENT
By the students?
NOEL EDMONDS
No, the XHF Network!
FSB AGENT
Why? It’s their footage and this is going out on their Network!
NOEL EDMONDS
You have NO IDEA how litigious Mongo can be! That derogatory term that sounds like Mongo but longer? That’s not banned because it’s offensive, it’s because he threatened to sue Merriam-Websters! I heard he even filed a suit against one of his own feds for not clearing the use of a Global event recap on their show first!
FSB AGENT
Then you go back to your headquarters here for now. Train, we will see how you have fared in the future.
NOEL EDMONDS
How will I know?
FSB AGENT
Go to Russia? Fine. Meet Putin? Fine. Be offered vodka? Fine. But if you end up being asked about dietary requirements? Not so fine. That’s us working out if you need the regular gruel or the gluten-free, soy substitute in the Gulag.
NOEL EDMONDS
(Ill at ease)
Thanks, that really adds a comfort.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: THE FALSE HOMECOMING
INT. NOEL’S KITCHEN - DAY
Birds tweet. The sound of a tea kettle being switched on. In the background, the radio.
EDMONDS walks outside with a glass of raw eggs in his hand.
EDMONDS lifts the glass to his mouth.
EDMONDS THROWS IT PAST THE CAMERA.
We see a PIG in the garden now struggling to see through its mucusy-gaze.
EDMONDS slits the PIG’s throat.
TIME DISSOLVE
EDMONDS sits at the table in the kitchen eating bacon with a satisfied look on his face.
NOEL EDMONDS (VO)
That was “Sugar, Sugar” by the Archies, a song destined to extend it’s five-week run atop the hit parade!
NOEL EDMONDS
I really nailed that line. Shame the song only got one more week at Number One.
NOEL EDMONDS (VO)
We’d love to hear your opinions on the big news of the week. Is Page Three such a bad thing? Is it too much in the wrong direction? I don’t know, you tell me! Is it giving the power to the sisters or is this too much power for the smaller minds of women to comprehend? I’m just asking questions!
NOEL EDMONDS
We all know how that one turned out, Young Me. If only you could have predicted it!
Into shot walks BLOBBY.
EDMONDS leaps to his feet.
NOEL EDMONDS
Blobby!!!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB, blob, BLOBBY, BLOBBYBLOBBY!!!
NOEL EDMONDS
What do you mean I’m crashing your share price by association?
MR BLOBBY
BLOB, BLOBBY, BLO!!!!
NOEL EDMONDS
I’m afraid I don’t know anything about Shareholder Activism. Look, couldn’t this have been a phonecall?
MR BLOBBY
BLOB, BLOBBY, BLOB
NOEL EDMONDS
You’re going to train me to prevent Blobby Independent Traders PLC from having its stock crash ….what did I do? What do you mean I’ll be an embarrassment in the Rumble?
NOEL EDMONDS (OS)
When did you learn Hindi?
MR BLOBBY (OS)
BLOBBY, BLOBBY! BLOB!
NOEL EDMONDS (OS)
I suppose it has a simpler structure and far less inconsistencies….
MR BLOBBY (OS)
BLOB, BLOTTER!!!
NOEL EDMONDS (OS)
And nothing in British Cuisine can measure up to Butter Chicken. I suppose you’re right…
